Recovery Reconnaissance

You've Got the Sweetest Little Baby Face

2009-10-03T17:19:00.009-04:00

The other day in Target I was horrified to see these bras for little girls. They are size 30 and there's no cup size because the little girls who wear these bras are too young to have developed breasts. But don't worry about your flat-chested eight year old feeling like a failure on a job application for Hooters: These cups are padded to make your little darling feel - and look - just like a real sexual grown-up-boobs gal.

They're called Self Expressions For Girls by Maidenform and they are "COMFY and CUTE with just the right amount of coverage," offer a "SMOOTH appearance under clothes" and come in "FUN and TRENDY colors and prints." Good idea, Maidenform. It's never too early to prepare eight year olds for adulthood in a breast-obsessed culture.

Here's Suri Cruise, age 3, wearing heels while shopping with her mother in the 10/5/09 issue of People Magazine. Wow Katie Holmes, you're actually making Kate Gosselin look like a good mother.

Is this really heelarious, er, hilarious? Or is it just another example of how normalized the sexualization of children is in our culture?

Cute and innocuous, or exploitative? My question is, why do this at all? Sure, businesses will sell anything they can to make money, but why, in 2009, are we as parents still so ignorant and unaware that we buy - and buy into - it?

Let's let the kids be kids.

Your comments are welcome.

New Blog Dedicated to J&K+8 Topics

2009-08-17T11:02:00.002-04:00

The new blog dedicated to Jon and Kate topics can be found at http://smalltowngosselins.blogspot.com/. Feel free to visit and comment away!

Back To My Regularly Scheduled Programming...

2009-08-09T23:10:00.006-04:00

I seem to have developed two sets of blog entries. One set is related to my life, friends and writing, and the other is related to living in the same small town as the Gosselins. To accomodate this duality, I've decided to move all of my Gosselin-related posts to a new blog. I'm also moving all of your comments related to those posts to the new blog.

I'm going to be removing all of my Gosselin-related entries from this blog soon. I just want to make sure everything's working and I'm receiving traffic at the new blog before doing so.

Thanks for all your patience and contributions. I love my blogging friends and look forward to continuing to raise havoc with you!

A Breast Cancer Scare

2009-07-12T12:37:00.009-04:00

Last month I had a breast cancer scare. I went to the doctor for what I thought was a little problem, and she sent me for an immediate mammogram. There are seven visible signs of breast cancer (and more invisible signs) and I had four of the seven. At the imaging center, my mammogram turned into more mammograms which turned into sonograms, all with doctors coming in and out, leaving the room to consult with each other, and coming back in for more breast pummeling. By the time I left, 2.5 hours later, with instructions to have a biopsy, I was a mess, both physically and emotionally.

I went home and immediately scheduled my biopsy, all the time in shock that this was happening to me. My thoughts were most of all for my children. They are 12 and 15 now, so they've had a mom for most of their formative years, but it would still be devastating to lose their mother at their ages. I worried about what the experience of their mother having to battle cancer would be like for them, even if I survived. And I worried about Ken maybe having to be a single dad.

I felt like I might have a ticking time bomb in my breast that could explode any minute, and if it was cancer, screw vanity, I wanted that sucker cut off as soon as possible. I am way past the age where I desire Playboy breasts. My breasts gave my children life for the first half year of their lives. Boobs may be fun, but their intended purpose is to give life to babies, and they did a great job of that. I won't be having any more children, and my husband loves me for much more than my breasts, so they are expendable. My life is not. I need to be here for my family.

I am about 30 pounds overweight but otherwise am in good health, and I have always done everything correctly: Annual mammograms, pap smears, and my first colonoscopy at age 50. I have no history of breast cancer in my family. So I had nothing to worry about, right? Then I learned that the vast majority of women who get breast cancer have no history of it in their families, plus a whole bunch of other stuff that terrified me.

I was so frightened that I knew if I allowed myself to experience the depth of my fears, I wouldn't have been able to function. I called my wonderful boss to tell her what I was going through, and decided not to tell anyone else at work, because even though I work with a fantastic group of people, I didn't want to even think about the devastating possibilities while I was there. Then the day before my biopsy surgery, I became depressed in the morning. I had been holding myself together for the past week and I just couldn't do it anymore. I fell into bed, emotionally exhausted, and allowed myself to sleep the afternoon and evening away. That turned out to be a good idea because I was well-rested and as relaxed as could be expected for my surgery the next day.

The results came in five days later. I am fine. No findings of breast cancer. It was the best phone call of my life. There were some complications after the biopsy because my incision opened and my breast became infected, but the bottom line is I don't have cancer.

I was always aware of this issue but now I have a deeper appreciation for what the actual experience of battling breast cancer must be like for women, and men, who are challenged with it. This experience has also made me more determined to honor my body. I don't have cancer, but the fact that I could have had it really hit home. Now that I'm past 50 it's no longer unusual to see people my age in the obituaries. Settling into a lifestyle of physical health and emotional peace and contentment is more important than ever.

My Lips Have Betrayed Me

2009-06-10T09:25:00.007-04:00

Sunday I did too much gardening. I do this every year and never learn. I hurt my back, which stiffened up quite painfully by the time I left work Monday evening. I also noticed that my arms itched and my bottom lip was looking a little puffy. Yippee, I thought. That expensive lip puffer lipstick I bought a month ago is finally paying off. Now my lips don't look like two old horizontal miniature string beans anymore.

By Tuesday (yesterday) morning I could hardly get out of bed to go to the bathroom, and had to take the day off of work. By Tuesday at noon my forearms were speckled with poison ivy, which informed me that soon my entire body would be covered with oozing yellow crusty pools of poison ivy. Furthermore, my bottom lip now looked like the fattest lima bean you've ever seen, only two inches long. And for all you vegy lovers, not an appetizing lima bean, I might add.

Here is a picture of my elongated lima bean lip yesterday morning. The allergic reaction to the poison ivy was starting to spread to my upper lip. This was taken before it reached it's full size of a red pepper. Fortunately for you I didn't take a picture of that.

It was probably a good thing my mouth was too uncomfortable with itchy pain to put lipstick on before I very slowly and gingerly (for my hurt back) went to the doctor's last evening, because I don't think they make a tube of lipstick that could've covered it.

And to think people actually pay to have this done to themselves. That's just wacko.

Now my back is starting to feel better and I am on a heavy dose of prednisone steroids. I took seven last night, I take six today, five tomorrow, and so on until they're all gone. I also got an epipen because every time I get poison ivy it's worse and next time I might have an anaphylactic reaction and suffocate to death on supreme throat puffiness. Thankfully the heavy duty meds have started to kick in, so now my arms aren't quite so itchy anymore, which is good because that makes me crazy and I still have the scars from scratching them last year when I couldn't help myself and scratching it felt so good I swear my arms had orgasms. My lower lip hugeness has begun to abate already, but with my luck by the time I'm done I'll have steroid-induced testicles growing out of my neck.

But I won't mind a testicle-covered neck. As long as my back holds out, I'll be happy gardening.

Gifts From the Internet

2009-05-14T22:42:00.038-04:00

Driving past the Gosselin home with Amy from Ohio got me thinking about some of the wonderful people I've met online. I mean, not just have communicated with online, but have actually met in person after having been initially connected by the Internet.

The first person I met on the Internet was my friend Kathy K., around 1997. At the time, Kathy was 16 and living with her parents above their Chinese restaurant in Brooklyn, and I was about 41. We met up posting on an All My Children fan site. Kathy had a mondo crush on a certain AMC cutie, and I knew the actor's aunt, who lives in my community. (Today he's an accomplished artist ~ check him out.) Later Kathy worked as an usher at the Lion King theatre in the city and she got my older son and I excellent tickets for the show. She is also the friend who invited me, years ago, to be a talent escort at red carpet events in the city, a fun hobby I continue to enjoy to this day. Now Kathy is a talented actor who you may have seen on any of the many commercials or prime time shows she's been on in the past few years.

I met my friend Barby soon after I started eBaying in 1999. We shared a love of Blue Fish clothing and often bought and sold from each other online. It turned out Barby liked to shop at the outlets near me in Reading PA, so we ended up occasionally getting together for lunch. Eventually I asked Barby if she'd like to escort with me at a red carpet event in New York City. I think it was the Daytime Emmys, maybe six or seven years ago. We had a great time. Since then, Barby and I have worked together in the city a couple of times, had several Thai lunches together, and gotten together for various other things. She shares fabric with me and I sew her buttonholes for her. Barby's one of those wonderful friends I can be silly or serious with, and she's got one of the kindest hearts I've ever known. It's been a great ten years.

Most of us who communicate online will never meet in person, but a couple I have met and visited with a few times are my friends Sue and Bill from Ohio. Sue and I met when she bought a Blue Fish outfit from me, and then after she paid for it I couldn't find it to send it to her. I found it months later, folded neatly in my eBay items closet, and by that time Sue and I had talked several times and were friends. Now it is a few years later and I have visited Sue and Bill in Ohio a few times, and they have visited my family in PA a couple of times too. Here's the three of us at a kimono exhibit during my last visit with them in Ohio, last month.

I met NYT bestselling author John Robison on a writers site. At the time he hadn’t been published yet and no one had ever heard of him, other then brief mentions of him in the books of his brother, Augusten Burroughs. Indeed, I was a big Aug fan myself, and didn’t even realize John was his brother when I first connected with him online. All I knew was that he wrote about Asperger’s, which interests me as my brother is also Aspergian. John lives in Massachusetts near where I grew up as a child, and we have met for meals a couple of times when I or my family have gone there to visit childhood friends.

I met the fabulous writer Suzanne Finnamore online and then visited her at her beautiful home in California. We had a business deal that fell through, but shit happens, right? We still had a great time, and Suzanne read a little of my writing and gave me some helpful suggestions. The best lesson she taught me was “scene, scene, scene.” Create a scene with your writing, with no editorializing. Then create another scene. Like a good film, a good book can be a series of scenes. Now Suzanne will be moving with her sweet son to the east coast, and I’m hoping they’ll come up to PA to visit.

Doreen Orion is a psychiatrist and writer from Colorado who has also been supportive of my writing. She wrote the hilarious Queen of the Road, a true tale about her trip across America with her psychiatrist (and hottie, if I may say so myself) husband Tim. We met for dinner in Philadelphia and then saw our mutual friend, writer and psychiatrist Robin Altman, perform at a comedy club there. I’ve read Doreen’s book a few times and keep it handy for whenever I need a good laugh or desire a heartwarming ending. She’s a smarty and I can’t wait to read whatever she comes up with next.

I met A.S. King on a writers site and we became friends before realizing that of all the bizarre things, we happen to live just a couple of miles from each other in rural Pennsylvania. Amy has written several books and since I’ve known her she has sold The Dust of 100 Dogs, with many more to follow. Here we are together, at our local mall, where she recently had a book signing.

Here’s Ohio Amy and me in my living room the day she and I stalked Jon and Kate Gosselin. Amy from Ohio is lovely ~ young, smart, and grabbing the world by the short hairs. Her fiance’ is one lucky dude and he better know it. In this picture Amy and I are holding my sock monkey. Sock monkeys are a key possession for those who like to frequent the blog of Haven Kimmel, where Amy and I met online. (You see, we’re not weird. Two adult women holding a sock monkey really does make sense.)

The Internet has connected me, in the flesh, with some wonderful folks I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to meet otherwise. On the surface, we don’t have much in common. John Robison is the only one of my friends who is my age, although Doreen comes close. The friends I've met online are as much as 19 years older than I am, and Kathy is about 25 years younger. The friends I’ve met through the Internet are Jewish, Chinese, young, old(er), rich, poor, and everything in between.

Thanks to the information superhighway, I am happy to be the one thing they have in common.

Susan Boyle Kicks Ass (Thanks, Suzanne)

2009-04-12T11:55:00.008-04:00

I'm going to blog about my Seeking-Jon-&-Kate day with my friend Amy soon, but here's a quickie for now. My friend Suzanne Finnamore sent me this amazing youtube clip. You have to see it. It won't take long for your WTF to turn into "holy shit!" I'm laughing. I'm crying. It's so amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

Today's life lessons:

1. Don't judge people by their appearances.

2. Don't ever give up your dreams.

3. Be kind, even if you suspect someone might be an asshole.

4. Bodies are just shells. They get old, but we're all still kids inside.

5. Even Simon Cowell has a heart.

6. Ya just never know.

(Susan Boyle kicks ass.)

A.S. King Rocks her Dust of 100 Dogs

2009-04-01T23:09:00.007-04:00

About a year and a half ago I discovered a great site for writers, where the published and non-published share ideas and writing excerpts, debate, and support each other as we travel the long road toward artistic growth and possible publication. One of the more vocal and lovable members there was this cool gal named Amy (A.S. King,) who was world traveled, a great writer, and seemed to have a great heart, too.

Amy and I got to know each other over time. All the while I thought she was in Ireland, since she mentioned living on a self-contained farm there where she and her husband raised chickens and grew their own food as she honed her writing skills (they didn't call her the Crazy Chicken Lady for nothin'.)

Then one day Amy mentioned her home state, and I realized we both live in Pennsylvania. We private messaged each other, and lo and behold, this totally coolio, interesting person with a great heart was virtually my neighbor. We live about five miles from each other, in rural Pennsylvania.

That was almost a year ago. Since then I've finished my book and Amy has had her first book published. It's called The Dust of 100 Dogs and it's incredible. It's got everything ~ it's well-written and contains adventure, romance, humor, fun facts about canines, and an ass-kicking female pirate with a heart as big as Amy's. I hope you'll buy this book and if you do I'm sure you'll love it as much as I do.

Here's Amy at a recent book signing at Border's in the Berkshire Mall. Below, she kindly agreed to be interviewed for my blog.
P.K.: You're a mom of two young children and have a busy life outside of your writing studio. How organized is your writing life?

A.S.K.: This is not the week to ask me this! It's a mess. Really. A mess. I have no idea how I manage to do this half the time. I'm lucky in that my husband and I run a business ourselves, so we don't have to fit 9-5 hours into our lives. But we also have a toddler who's still at home during the day, so one of us has to be here as the primary caregiver. Usually, that's my husband. He's amazing, really. Any time he's here, he tries his best to get me into the office and working. But it's not at all organized. Some weeks (like last week) are marked out to be all mine, but by the time Friday comes around, I've barely had one full day in the office. In a few years when the youngest is in school, I will be so happy to have a 9-4 writing schedule again. *sigh* That is the stuff my dreams are made of.

P.K.: You've been writing for fifteen years and have had success with some of your short stories being published, but this is your first published novel. What was your motivation for writing during the lean years?

A.S.K.: I write because I love writing. I don't write in order to publish, though I do hope to continue publishing books, and eventually make a living at it.** But I've never seen it the other way around. My priority is writing, not business. With this in mind, then, there were no 'lean years' and my only motivation for writing is loving writing.
** "Making a living" at writing is a lot harder and takes a lot longer than most people think.

P.K.: You wrote seven books before this one finally got published. What are your other books about, and do you hope to have them published?

A.S.K.: The first four novels were practice. They were about silly things, and they didn't work, and were full of cliches, flat writing and hundreds of thousands of extraneous words. I cringe just thinking about them. I do hope to rework the 5th (a YA book) [young adult] later this year, and sell another YA I finished in January. And my agent is hard at work trying to sell my adult fiction, as always. I really don't mind the idea of four or five books that won't get published. I still write duds. I tossed about 50k worth of a novel twice in the last 2 years.

P.K.: Have you read your Amazon.com reviews and how do you cope with negative reviews? (By the way, your reviews are Fabulous ~ congrats!)

A.S.K.: I do read some reviews. Amazon is one place I'll check from time to time. I'm also am a member of Goodreads, which can be dangerous for writers, because readers there do not hold back! Some people will always love or hate my books because I take risks. I sometimes get bad reviews because of swearing or other realistic content. I also get reviews from people who truly didn't like (or get) the book. Again--I've read many books I didn't like, so I knew a long time ago that reading is a subjective thing. I appreciate every fan letter I get, and every person who takes the time to say things about my book. But I'm a very detached person in regard to taking outsiders' reviews too personally. By the time a book gets on a shelf in a book store, so many publishing professionals have read it, I'm pretty solid in my belief that I'm not the worst writer in the world. I think the best way to cope with negative reviews is to not pay too much attention on ANY reviews--good or bad. I realize you're wondering if I'm part Vulcan now, right?

P.K.: I loved the "dog facts" excerpts in the book. Besides giving the reader interesting info about the psychology of dogs, you offered some interesting insights about human behavior, and you managed to do it without sounding preachy. Were your observations inserted intentionally, or did they develop organically during your writing?

A.S.K.: A bit of both. I tend to write very organically. I remember writing a few Dog Facts one day when I was supposed to be writing some Saffron chapters and thinking, "Hmm. These seem to want to be written," Once I wrote a few, I stuffed them away in the stack of notes on my desk and during revision, after I'd ironed out the other parts of the book, these Dog Facts seemed to fit perfectly. I could see where they worked, and noted it, and then wrote whatever came naturally from there. So they were written during the process organically, and then inserted themselves quite intentionally.

P.K.: One of your two main characters, Emer, is a very feminist pirate. Did you find stories about real female pirates while doing your research for the book, and can you recommend books that can help your readers learn more about them?

A.S.K.: My favorite feminist-pirate research book was called Women Pirates and the Politics of the Jolly Roger by Ulrike Klausmann, Marion Meinzerin & Gabriel Kuhn. The book covered women pirates on the China Sea, Mediterranean, Atlantic as well as the Caribbean. Fascinating! I read a bit on Anne Bonny & Mary Read and other popular Caribbean pirates, too.

P.K.: Where did you find the inspiration for the despicable Fred Livingstone?

A.S.K.: I have no idea. He just showed up one day without warning. (Don't guys like that always show up without warning?) At best guess, I was sick and tired of meeting creepy men who mistook any woman who talked to them (me) as 'women who want me.' Bleh. Outside of personal experience, I suppose I drew inspiration from the comparisons between how men saw women in the 17th century and how men see women now, and how some parts have changed...and some parts, sadly, have not changed.

P.K.: I'm sure you've heard this before, but Dust would make a phenomenal movie! In your fantasies, who would play the main characters? Have you had any nibbles for film rights?

A.S.K.: I have no idea about nibbles. My very capable film agent is working on that right now. The sad part is: I don't have these fantasies at all. I have no idea who would work in the roles of Emer or Saffron or Fred or Seanie. I figure that's what friends (you) are for!

P.K.: Thanks, Amy, for being a guest interviewee on my blog. You rock! (this means you)

At Suzanne Finnamore's

2009-03-07T15:40:00.012-05:00

A few people have asked me about Suzanne Finnamore, so I will tell you about her now. Well, some things, anyway. Like the saying goes I can't tell all or she might have to kill me.

Suzanne has a multi-level house built into the bedrock on the side of a mountain in the middle of a redwood forest. When you walk out onto her back deck you look down over a huge valley of green trees meeting blue sky. She wears a lot of pink and purple tops and bottoms with petite flowers, and when she lays on her side with her back to you on her purple velvet couch, it is impossible not to take her picture. She is tall and stately, has bodacious breasts, and she's killer in a tank top with short shorts with bare legs and Uggs. The word "frail" does not come to mind when describing Suzanne. She has a son, Pablo, who emanates purity and goodness, and it was all I could do to keep from bringing him home.

Suzanne is the kind of hostess who asks what you like to eat and then makes sure she has plenty of it at all times, and when you're hungry and she scrambles you fresh eggs for breakfast, your mouth explodes with the pleasure that only good simple well cooked foods can bring. She also gives great writing feedback, although in my case it was incomplete because there just wasn't enough time. However, what she did give me was extremely helpful.

Suzanne is sensitive yet delightfully politically incorrect, as well as extremely funny. She is one of the few people besides myself whom I have ever heard cackling in another room at her own witticisms. She is fiery, extremely bright, and very fun to laugh out loud with. She is also generous, bestowing gifts of precious books and wondrous socks upon delighted blonde cold-footed guests from Pennsylvania. However, in my opinion, her gaydar could use a serious tuneup.

Suzanne is not someone who likes to pose for pictures. She's like a rarely-spotted almost extinct creature of whom very few images actually exist. My visit did not do much to increase the world's collection of images of this rare bird. However, I did garner this one portrait of her, seen here in her natural habitat.

Winding roads lead to Suzanne's house. Because it's California and there's a great reverence for all things green, redwoods are preserved whenever possible. Therefore, one may be driving along a road only to be confronted with a huge tree growing in the middle of it. Parking spaces must be reached by driving precarilously around the big trees that have been left haphazardly along the road sides, by squeezing in between them and the actual edges of the roads. While driving on any mountainside street you may be surprised by a stop sign which suddenly becomes visible as you pass a huge tree in the road which you previously didn't realize had been blocking your visibility.

I am also not one for having my picture taken, but here I can be seen at 5 A.M., in front of some majestic redwoods which the streets and parking spaces have been built around. Cars have wound through the trees into their parking spaces down the sides of the road. Navigating this maze of massive trees is like driving down Lombard Street, only thankfully minus the tourists.

I'll be back...

2009-02-01T19:32:00.004-05:00

I'm taking a break from my blog to catch up in other areas of my life...see you in March!

It's Festivus, For the Rest of Us

2008-12-28T19:12:00.011-05:00

This Festivus my three guys and I had a wonderfully relaxing day at home, opening very few gifts and laughing while playing lots of board games. Now that our sons are 12 and almost 15, they are much less interested in material things than they used to be. This is a relief to both Ken and me.

When the boys were younger I planned all sorts of activities to teach them about giving to others. Some of these were grand successes, such as the times they gave most of their Halloween candy to the children's ward of the local hospital, the times we gathered food for the neighborhood pantry and the times we donated toys and games to families who needed them. But not all of my grand holiday schemes went so well, and one in particular was an absolute disaster.

It was the year I decided that Ken and I would take the boys to go feed the homeless, early Christmas morning about four years ago. Why should we sleep in, I thought, enjoying the comfort of our heated abode, and glorying in the aroma of baking turkey while hundreds of homeless were cold and hungry, right in our own community? What a perfect opportunity to teach the boys not only to give to others less fortunate than themselves, but to appreciate the privileged life they have as well. I decided with my altruistic head in the clouds that I would make it my personal quest to right all these wrongs in one fell swoop.

I called the homeless shelter and was disappointed to hear that there were plenty of shelter volunteers and employees to feed the homeless on Christmas morning. What a bummer, I thought, Now how am I going to teach our sons to save the world? I asked the shelter where we could go to bring a little comfort and joy into the lives of the destitute, and they referred me to a church in Reading, about a half hour away. I was primed! What a wonderful opportunity to enjoy the day as a family while teaching the boys about the gifts of giving to others.

We were at the church bright and early, ready to serve. At least, I was. Ken and the boys weren't into it nearly as much as I was. Hell, who am I kidding: They frickin' hated it. "Why did we have to get up so early, Mommy?" the boys wanted to know. "I know some people need help, but why do WE always have to give it?" my husband wanted to know. "Because we're more fortunate than many other people, and those who are more fortunate must help those who aren't," I preached in my most gentle loving voice. "Now shut up, damn it, serve the homeless, and smile like you mean it!"

We, along with about twenty others from the church, spent hours preparing about a dozen turkeys and probably fifty pounds of potatoes, not to mention mounds of stuffing and barrels of gravy. Alas and alak, at the appointed hour, there were no homeless to be seen. After four hours of cooking and one hour of waiting for our guests, I wandered upstairs into the congregation area of the church, and sat down to rest my exhausted feet. The church was repeating a five minute play, over and over again. I guess they continually replayed it because they didn't want to miss any of the throngs of homeless they believed would be coming in to not only eat, but to be saved from going to Hell as well. That's the only explanation I can think of, considering in this five minute play they somehow managed to squeeze in plots about crazed alcoholics, strung out drug addicts, vicious child abusers, gays with AIDS, and those who dare to fornicate before marriage, all of whom had obviously not yet accepted Christ as their personal saviors, and therefore would be going to hell without this church's religious guidance. At one point, Ken and I were treated with suspicion and the boys were looked at with much pity when we declined to join in a large circle in which they prayed for masses of homeless to wander in so they could save their forlorn souls.

Ken and I were horrified. This was a most unattractive display of ugliness, hatred and guilt. It had nothing at all to do with giving for the pleasure of giving or because it is the right thing to do, and everything to do with luring in the unsuspecting homeless in an effort to convert them into believing what the churchgoers thought they should believe. To us, it was very unChristian. Furthermore, hours of labor and tons of good food were wasted in this ridiculous effort.

I learned my lesson that holiday season. I never again forced my family to go out on Christmas morning to do good deeds, because I realized it's about doing good deeds all year round, just like we always have. Now on that day we stay home, sitting by the fire, eating good food and enjoying each other. I also stopped calling that holiday Christmas that year. We're not Christian, anyway. We've always taught our boys about all religions so that they have the option of choosing, or not choosing, what feels right to them when they're older. At our house from now on it's Festivus, for the rest of us.

A Glorious Day

2008-12-21T23:24:00.008-05:00

When I woke up this morning our little town of Wernersville PA was coated with ice. I drove our younger son up the mountain to play with a friend for the day, then enjoyed the natural beauty surrounding me as I drove slowly back down the mountain toward home. The icy roads had melted with the sun but the trees remained coated in slowly dripping diamonds. The crisp air reminded me of my happy early childhood in Massachusetts, before I became aware of the problems of my family.

The roads surrounding my home were enchanting with their mature trees and old brownstone buildings. For a moment it was easy to imagine myself back in the Berkshires, young and bliss-fully unaware of the progressive challenges my parents would face and fail to conquer. Back then my siblings and I escaped into nature, and she always welcomed us with lovingly open arms.
This morning, up on South Mountain, where our children have gone to the playground for the past ten years, even the community tennis courts sparkled in the sun. It’s been healing living here, giving our children the kind of small town life and natural beauty I grew up with, as well as the kind of family fun and love I yearned for as a child.

On a glorious day like this it is easy to believe in God, Santa, and other deities. My life has come full circle. Nature continues to heal me, just as it did when I was a child. All I have to do is open my eyes and let it do its magic.

How Not To Wake Your Therapist

2008-12-10T19:33:00.008-05:00

My friend Robin, author of Shrink Rap: An Irreverent Take on Child Psychiatry, recently wrote a post about patients calling their shrinks at odd hours of the day and night. Her stories reminded me of the time a client called me at 11:45 PM on a weekday to ask me how to spell a certain female body part.

"Polly!" my client shrieked with ear-splitting enthusiasm, not bothering to introduce herself. "How do you spell 'vagina?'"

"Um...yawn...who IS this?" I wondered if perhaps this was some kind of new and trendy more formal version of an obscene phone call that I hadn't heard about yet.

"It's Dolores."

"Oh, hi Dolores." She was a slightly simple yet refreshingly sincere, albeit very abused, client who was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. "You want to know how to spell vagina?"

"Yeah."

Times are so much simpler now. Thanks to Oprah, today I could just respond, "V-J-J." Even Dolores would've been able to remember three letters, but at the time I suspected six was a little beyond her capability. So back then I had to spell it out for her.

"Do you have a pencil and paper?"

"No. Wait a minute, I'll go get them."

"V-a-g-i-n-a," I informed her through my sleepy haze. "By the way, Dolores, before we hang up, why are you calling me at 11:30 at night to ask me how to spell vagina?"

"You told me to."

Well, I guessed that was true, in a weird Dolores-kind-of-thinking way. Actually what had happened was that earlier that week, Dolores had been in for a session in which she read aloud to me some of her writing about her childhood abuse, which she had decided she would have published to help others. What she had read to me went something like this: "First he felt my tits. Then he made me suck his dick. Then he stuck his cock in my pussy and came in me." It went on and on, each description more pornographic than the former. Having been abused for several years as a child, she had produced pages of the stuff.

After listening to her exhaustive yet somehow incomplete recitation, I said to her, "It's good that you did so much work on this. Now the reader knows what happened. Good job. Now I'd like you to go back and change some of the words to their proper names. Words like "pussy" and "dick" are violent words your abuser used when he sexually abused you. How about we teach you the proper words, which are more respectful of your private body parts? Then later we're going to help you fill it in with your feelings. Your homework for your next visit is to rewrite this, using the correct, more respectful words for your body parts that were violated."

In that strange and curious place known as DoloresWorld, at 11:45 PM on a work night, I suppose I got just what I asked for.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T01:33:00.001-05:00

May you and your loved ones have a peaceful and joyous Thanksgiving Day! See you in December.

What's Your Belief-O-Matic?

2008-11-16T11:44:00.005-05:00

Have you heard of the Belief-O-Matic? It's a fun, interesting link where you can answer a series of questions to find out what spiritual belief system you belong to. Then you can learn the basic tenets of each system by clicking on them. It seems pretty accurate, at least from my results.
Here's mine:

1. Secular Humanism (100%)
2. Unitarian Universalism (95%)
3. Liberal Quakers (91%)
4. Theravada Buddhism (81%)
5. Neo-Pagan (76%)
6. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (72%)
7. Taoism (71%)
8. New Age (68%)
9. Nontheist (67%)
10. Mahayana Buddhism (63%)
11. Orthodox Quaker (63%)
12. Reform Judaism (55%)
13. Jainism (53%)
14. Baha'i Faith (49%)
15. Scientology (49%)
16. New Thought (45%)
17. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (41%)
18. Sikhism (36%)
19. Hinduism (29%)
20. Seventh Day Adventist (29%)
21. Islam (25%)
22. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (25%)
23. Orthodox Judaism (25%)
24. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (23%)
25. Eastern Orthodox (14%)
26. Roman Catholic (14%)
27. Jehovah's Witness (12%)

Now, how about a Personal-Trivia-O-Matic? You can fill it in any way you like.
Here's mine:
1. Popcorn lover. (100%)
2. Enjoys her children. (97%)
3. Board game afficianado. (96%)
4. Enjoys the sounds of nature. (95%)
5. Combo of shy and ass-kicking. (87%)
6. Thinks everyone should volunteer. (87%)
7. Loves to write and sew, can't paint art worth shit. (85%)
8. Would sleep with the windows open and lots of blankets in the dead of winter if her husband could stand it. (83%)
9. No patience for tailgaters. (79%)
10. Anti-violent, although sometimes she does enjoy fantasizing about it. (77%)
11. Is fascinated by conjoint twins and serial killers. (75%)
12. Loves her some Bravo! TV. (71%)
13. Finds the current economy alarming. (65%)
14. Hates scary clowns. In fact, hates all clowns. (35%)
15. Enjoys spinach, liver and asparagas. (0%)

What's yours?

No NaNo, No RoPo, Just a Little PoLe

2008-11-06T16:16:00.003-05:00

NaNo just didn't work out for me this year. My writing buddy Robin, who is a brilliant child shrink and has the most hilarious blog on the web, had to poop out, because NaNoing made her nutsy, and I can't blame her because I was headed that way myself. I got way behind on my own NaNoing thanks to the killer sinus infection I got this week, and due to, well, life. So much for RoPoing. This week is completely shot for me. On Wednesday I even missed a professional workshop for therapists that I was really looking forward to. Instead, I've been on my back since Tuesday night. However, my writing friend Leah and I will be checking in with each other regularly this month to share our progress and gain support from each other in any way we may need. So we're not NaNoing, we're PoLeing instead.

A couple of weeks ago I received some very helpful feedback from a top-notch agent who graciously took the time to read my book. Although he declined to represent me, his feedback is invaluable, and I plan to edit my manuscript with his suggestions in mind. Meanwhile, an incredibly generous published-several-times memoir and fiction author asked to read my book, and she is making some editorial comments which will help me make it even better. Therefore, my self-assigned PoLe task this month is to incorporate their ideas into my book before I continue querying more agents for representation. I am thrilled to have their feedback, and focusing on this right now will serve me better in the long run than working on an entirely different project.

Are you NaNoing and if so, how's it going? Are you the kind of writer who can work on a regular schedule, or does trying to do so make you crazy? I'd love to hear all about it.

NaNo Neener Neener

2008-11-01T22:07:00.002-04:00

Well, so far NaNo is a big bust. I registered but haven't been able to navigate the site because it's overloaded with users. I see on some writers' discussion boards that this has happened in years past, so I'm going to wait a couple of days and then try again. Meanwhile I have invited my friend Robin in having our very own RobinPollyWritersMonth. Let me know if you want to RoPo with us.

I'm not sure there really IS a NaNo. I think someone just stole the name from that old Mork and Mindy show. Isn't that what Mork used to say to Mindy, before he sat on his head on the chair? NaNoNaNo.

Oh No, It's NaNo!

2008-10-30T21:26:00.004-04:00

Are you NaNoing this year? NaNo is National Novel Writing Month, an annual online event in which writers from all over the world simultaneously write 50,000 words. This is my first time. We're supposed to just write and write and write with no editing, but as I understand it the rules are somewhat flexible which is good because I'm actually working on my second book, already in progress from last spring when I divided my first book into two. If you're NaNoing feel free to add me as your friend on the official NaNo site, and let me know your name so I can add you as mine. That way we can support each other and see each others' progress as the month goes on. MyNaNo name is pollykahl and I hope you'll let me know yours. Registration is free, it's a great way to join in on some great writing energy, and I think there are even prizes. NaNo 2008, here we come!

Memoir Blogs

2008-10-22T21:02:00.004-04:00

Thanks to memoirist Sharon Lippencott and "The Memoir Guy" Jerry Waxler for their work in the genre of memoir. Jerry has a blog on memoir and Sharon recently posted a blog entry called Secrets about my Howard Dully interview on hers. Not everybody "gets" Memoir so it's always great networking with those who do.

Part II ~ Howard Dully Interview ~ "My Lobotomy" author

2008-10-19T16:08:00.017-04:00

Co-authors of My lobotomy, Howard Dully and Charles Fleming. (To enlarge pictures, click on them.)

Note: If you enjoy this interview let me know by leaving a comment. I would love to interview more writers, especially memoirists, if you feel my doing so is worthwhile.

Interview, Part II

Polly Kahl: I wanted to tell you a little bit about why your book affected me so greatly, okay?

Howard Dully: All right.

PK: I’m fifty three and I grew up with hippie parents in the 1960s. My mom is mentally ill and both of my parents were alcoholic, and then in 1965 my parents started smoking pot and they became hippies. Because of all that there were always a lot of people hanging around our house. We lived in a large house, like the house that you had with five fireplaces, only ours had seven fireplaces and seven bedrooms and it was a twenty one room house. It was really beautiful, but as my parents got into drugs it started falling apart. We always had people living with us, like one time for two years we had a heroin addict living with us because he was hiding from the FBI because he was a draft dodger, and the FBI made an example of him so he was on their ten most wanted list. So on the one hand he was living with us, and on the other hand his picture was in the post office.

HD: Wow.

PK: So it was pretty wild, and also, because of all that, once they started doing drugs there was no difference between children and adults, so there was a lot of sexual activity between adults and children, or what we now know is sexual abuse. At the time it wasn’t considered sexual abuse because that term hadn’t been invented yet, but now of course we know that this is incest and sexual abuse.

HD: Yeah.

PK: So what I loved about your book, Howard, was that even though we had different experiences, when I read the feelings in your book, I was reading my own feelings. I think that when you’re a child and you’re taken advantage of or neglected or abused, the feelings are the same even though the circumstances may be different. So when I read your book I really related to it and it really touched me emotionally.

HD: I understand. When I did a lot of the interviews on the road, we seemed to have the same connections with other people even though their experiences weren’t the same. They seemed to feel that people who have gone through something like this and had part of their childhoods stolen or taken from them all have this similar pain. It doesn’t much matter how it was taken from you: The fact that it was taken from you leaves a big hole in your life.

PK: That’s exactly right. And similar to your story, the way I worked my own recovery was that I went back and interviewed people in my childhood, and I went back to that twenty one room house that we moved from when I was thirteen, and I went back to that little town in Massachusetts where I grew up and talked with parents of childhood friends and asked them what they saw about our house, and I also even went back and interviewed a person who sexually abused me, so I went back and put the pieces together, similar to how you put the pieces together.

HD: How did that interview go? That must have been a very sitting-on-the-edge-of-your-seat kind of interview.

PK: It was kind of strange because he was one of the people who lived with us when I was young, and at the time that he lived with us he told me that he loved me, when I was about twelve at the time and he was twenty six, and then he had intercourse with me when I was about fourteen and he was about twenty eight, and because I loved him and he loved me and was gentle with me, somehow I thought of him differently than my other abusers. So I knew that I loved him and I knew that this strange thing had happened, but I wasn’t quite clear on what it was. And then when I interviewed him, he offered to me that it was sexual abuse, and he offered to me an apology, so it wasn’t like I was confronting him, it was like he offered me the gift of apology, and because of that it was a very healing experience for me.

HD: Yeah, I think that was kind of what I was looking for too, but that didn’t happen. And I was trying to say to Dave Isay and the other people at the radio show that if we had to kind of manipulate or force him to say he’s sorry or something, it’s not really valid.

PK: Exactly.

HD: It has to be something on his own, that he wants to do on his own.

PK: Yes. I spent years trying to get my parents to take responsibility, and you know what? They just don’t get it. And you know what, Howard? They’re not going to get it.

HD: Yeah well, they can’t get it now.

PK: No, and my father has passed too, but you’re right, if they don’t offer it, there’s no point in squeezing it out of them because it’s meaningless anyway.

HD: Yeah. I think that’s the reality of it all. It took me a while to realize that. The games that we play with people to get them to feel sorry or say they’re sorry or something, it’s really kind of ridiculous. If they don’t feel that way to begin with, then all that means nothing, you know?

PK: Yes, that’s right. I’ve actually gotten people to apologize to me for different things, but because I manipulated an apology or demanded one, it wasn’t really coming from their heart, and so it wasn’t satisfying anyway.

HD: Yeah, really, really. I agree. I think in my interview with my father, if you noticed, the emotions were actually on my side of the fence.

PK: Yes, I did.

HD: I had a lot of emotions, and he didn’t really seem to have them. I think maybe I should be satisfied with the fact that I can still feel, and maybe he couldn’t, you know?

PK: I totally agree, and I also think that no matter what happened to you, it’s a testament to your spirit that you can still afford to feel and be the good person you are, and it’s a shame that he couldn’t afford to do that, but it makes you a very unique and special person.

HD: To me, I think the difference was that, to me, blood was thicker than water, and to my dad I guess it wasn’t. I just couldn’t understand how he could sacrifice his own blood for anything like that. Then he comes along and says he knew there was nothing wrong with me. Well, if you knew there was nothing wrong with me, how could you possibly sign a paper to let them to put spikes in my brain, you know?

PK: It’s very similar to my situation. My parents were not upset that it happened: They were upset that I talked about it.

HD: Yeah, yeah, that’s what happened. I was always told it was our dirty little secret, and I finally said to Dave [Isay,] “You know what I am? The skeleton in my family’s closet.”

[PK laughs.]

HD: So what do I have to worry about? It was great. We all did exactly what you’re doing now. We laughed while we thought about things.
We started all the recordings in the bedroom, of all the radio stuff. That’s when they decided to use my voice to tell my story.

PK: Well you’ve got a great voice. It translates very well on radio.

HD: I keep telling them that they should hire me, my voice is for sale! If they’re willing to fork out the money I’m more than willing to say whatever they want to pay me to.

PK: [laughs]
Well, the good thing about you and me is that we find ways to make our own families, don’t we?

HD: Yeah, and well, I had to realize my dad was not the man on the pedestal that I always put him to be. He was just human, because if he was right like he trained me to always believe he was, then I must’ve been wrong, and I knew I wasn’t wrong, so how could he be right? So finally I worked through that paradox.

PK: It’s hard to give up the fantasy parent, isn’t it?

HD: Yeah, especially when they’re helping to feed into that fantasy.

PK: Oh yeah, or even insisting that the fantasy is true.

HD: Yeah, and I was raised to believe that adults were honorable and doing the right thing, and boy did I find out differently. It took me a while to figure that out, that they’re not all, and in fact very few of them, are above-board.

PK: How has this affected your parenting?

HD: I’ve probably had a little more hands-off with my kids than I normally would’ve. I tried my dad’s attitude with my kids about school is number one. The mom fought me on that all the way, and won out, unfortunately. But my kids still love me and we still see each other. Their mom has passed on. One’s working now and coming around okay. A lot of times it’s hard sometimes because they know my past. They say “Well Dad, you blah blah blah,” and how do you tell them something different?

PK: But you learned from it, so you want them to benefit from what you learned.

HD: That’s what I tell them, but they come out with, “You made your mistakes, now let me make mine.”

PK: And unfortunately, that's all we can do.

HD: Yeah, but they’re coming around okay, and it makes me very proud and happy.

PK: Excellent. You should be very proud and happy, you deserve to be.
Well listen, just let me ask one more question, because you’ve been very patient with me. Is there any advice you can give to writers, like memoirists like me, because right now I’ve finished my memoir and I’m looking for an agent, or anything that you’d like to say to writers in general, or memoirists who want to tell their story, is there any advice you can give or anything like that?

HD: Oh wow, like I would know. Well, you’ve got to stick with your dream.

PK: Are you glad you told your story?

HD: Oh yeah, sure. Sure. It’s been very healing for me. Very healing. I’m not really as famous as one might think. They didn’t put my picture on the cover of the book and stuff like that so I’m not recognized, really. But it is interesting when I am recognized, and it’s not only interesting, sometimes it’s scary, because you don’t know how to respond to it, you’re not used to responding to it.

PK: Howard, you’re six foot seven and three hundred and fifty pounds. I don’t think a stalker is going to attack you.

HD: Oh no, I don’t have that problem.

PK: [laughs]

HD: I’m just taken aback by it, you know?

PK: Well thank you very much for talking with me. I sure do appreciate it.

HD: Oh, it’s my pleasure.

PK: If I were there I’d give you a great big hug. I really think you’re terrific.

HD: Well, thank you, you take care of yourself and good luck.

PK: Thank you Howard, take care, bye bye.

HD: Alrighty, bye bye.

~THE END~

Click here for a two minute youtube clip on lobotomy. I hope you enjoyed this two part interview, and if you did please don't forget to leave a comment (or if you didn't, you can let me know that too!)

~Polly

Howard at a book signing in Hollywood, California.

Interview With NYT Best-Selling Author Howard Dully

2008-10-12T20:23:00.014-04:00

I’ve read the genre of memoir since I was a child and one of my all-time faves is My Lobotomy by Howard Dully and Charles Fleming. I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Howard for this blog. My Lobotomy is now out in paperback and has been on the New York Times best-seller list for the past three weeks. If you haven’t read it yet, you have to read this book. It is definitely a one-of-a-kind reading experience.

This review from Publishers Weekly will give you some helpful background infomation: At age 12, in 1960, Dully received a transorbital or ice pick lobotomy from Dr. Walter Freeman, who invented the procedure, making Dully an unfortunate statistic in medical history—the youngest of the more than 10,000 patients who Freeman lobotomized to cure their supposed mental illness. In this brutally honest memoir, Dully, writing with Fleming (The Ivory Coast), describes how he set out 40 years later to find out why he was lobotomized, since he did not exhibit any signs of mental instability at the time, and why, postoperation, he was bounced between various institutions and then slowly fell into a life of drug and alcohol abuse. His journey—first described in a National Public Radio feature in 2005—finds Dully discovering how deeply he was the victim of an unstable stepmother who systematically abused him and who then convinced his distant father that a lobotomy was the answer to Dully's acting out against her psychic torture. He also investigates the strange career of Freeman—who wasn't a licensed psychiatrist—including early acclaim by the New York Times and cross-country trips hawking the operation from his Lobotomobile. But what is truly stunning is Dully's description of how he gained strength and a sense of self-worth by understanding how both Freeman and his stepmother were victims of their own family tragedies, and how he managed to somehow forgive them for the wreckage they caused in his life.

Here's the 22-minute-long PBS program, in Howard's own voice. It was this incredible interview that led to the eventual writing of the book My Lobotomy.

Interview, Part I

Polly Kahl: I so appreciate you talking with me. I’m a huge fan, Howard. I just think you’re a great guy and an incredible survivor, and I just can’t tell you how much I thought of your book.

HOWARD DULLY: Well, thank you, I appreciate that, although I didn’t plan it that way.

PK: Unfortunately, sometimes the best stories come out of lives that weren’t planned, right? I mean, Anne Frank never thought she’d spend two and a half years hiding in an attic, but a hell of a book came out of it, didn’t it?

HD: Yeah, it did.

PK: Do you read memoir?

HD: Actually no, I’m not much of a reader. I have eye problems. Whether it’s due to Freeman or not I don’t know. I have an eye infection right now as a matter of fact that I’ve had on and off since I was a kid. It’s just in my right eye right now but it can affect both eyes. I drive for a living but I’m not driving right now due to my infection.

PK: Have you done any TV?

HD: I did TV back when we did the radio piece, I did a lot of news programs and stuff, but they say my book is kind of hard for the couch kind of shows. They want the softer stuff. It’s kind of an emotional book.

PK: I’d love to see you on Oprah and I bet she’d love your book because she does some pretty heavy stuff. They should really do you, you’d be fantastic on Oprah.

HD: I’d love to be on Oprah. I talked to the producers over a year ago and they were booked then, but I haven’t heard anything since. I’m hoping, still.

PK: The hardcover must’ve done pretty well for it to have gone into soft.

HD: Yeah, they told me it did, and the soft cover has now gone best-seller, New York Times.

PK: That is really excellent.

HD: I’m not sure what all that means [laughs.]

PK: Well, it means people love your book, Howard!

HD: Well, that I like! I’m getting a lot of emails in response from being on the web. I have web sites all over the place and then I use Google to alert me of anything new that comes up.

PK: How did you and Charles Fleming share the writing of your book?

HD: We did a lot of interviewing. He flew up here a couple of times, I went down to Santa Barbara and we spent a weekend on the beach there talking. He had the whole file on me and we had the original CDs from [the PBS program] Sound Portraits of the hundred hours of interviews, so with all that we were able to put together this book.

PK: You know, I emailed him to find out how to contact you, and he really thinks very highly of you.

HD: Thank you. I’ll have to thank him for that.

PK: What was it like describing your experiences for the book? Because as a reader, it was excruciating reading the parts where you’re describing the surgeries. I don’t even want to call them surgeries. Where you describe the maimings.

HD: Yeah, or brain damage. I didn’t get to read it [for the audio book] so I don’t know. It was very difficult for me when I did the narration for the radio piece…I had a headache for almost every interview that we did.

PK: I can totally understand that because I wasn’t lobotomized, thank God, but I was abused as a child and I didn’t talk about it until I was twenty five, and then I’d get the worst headaches whenever I talked about it, because there was so much pent-up feelings and emotions from what had happened to me, it was like facing the reality of it was so difficult that I would get these horrible stress headaches.

HD: It was like living it again, almost, that’s what it seems like. To get down into that emotional level, you don’t realize it at first, because when you grow up with it, you know, it’s been covered up all those years. Then when you have to actually talk about it, it opens up the emotions to it.

PK: It sure makes it real on a whole new level, doesn’t it?

HD: Yeah, I actually got angry at my dad several times during the making of the PBS piece, and had to work through it again and again. That’s why the interview was so hard, because I really wanted to do it in a whole different way. I had to fight myself not to.

PK: You were extremely compassionate to him considering all that happened to you. I was really impressed. You handled it with more patience and love than most of us would have been able to.

HD: Well, I’m not sure that’s really the way I wanted to, to tell you the truth. I wanted to say, “Look it,” you know…

PK: Yeah, like “What the hell were you thinking?”

HD: Or even beyond that, but it wouldn’t be fit for the air.

PK: The impression I got from the PBS piece was that your father really had difficulty showing any emotions, except for maybe anger.

HD: Yeah. My dad passed, by the way.

PK: Oh, I didn’t know that, and I’m really sorry.

HD: Yeah, and I’m glad we had a chance to talk about it before his departure, because I didn’t want a situation where he wouldn’t be able to defend himself, you know, that kind of thing. That’s what I was afraid of. And actually I’m glad I did because in fact my dad gave me a lot of information that only he could’ve given me. Such as the fact that I didn’t hurt my brother Bruce. My step-mother would’ve never told me that.

PK: Well, I totally understand because I’ve gone back to my parents and made sure that I discussed directly with them what happened, because first of all I didn’t want to have any regrets myself. I wanted to know that I’d done everything I could to clear up the situation. Also, I wanted to give them a chance to clear up the situation, and unfortunately they haven’t been very supportive, but at least I know I’ve done everything I could.

HD: Yeah, that’s what’s important, that you handled it appropriately, your way.

PK: Ultimately, we have just ourselves to live with, you know?

HD: Yeah. It makes you wonder too, how some people live with it afterwards. I don’t know if I was like that if I could’ve lived with myself because I would’ve had that guilt myself. And I’m sure that he didn’t, because he really wasn’t too talkative in some areas. In fact, when I interviewed him for the radio piece he almost said everything I would not have said [if I didn’t want to look guilty.] I gave him every chance I could to say “I’m sorry” and he just wouldn’t do it.

PK: Yeah, it was like he just couldn’t do it. It was like feelings were too difficult for him.

HD: Yeah, and then we were asked to hug during one of the interviews, and he wouldn’t do that.

PK: Did he ever hug you?

HD: Yeah, we hugged. He just wouldn’t do it for them.

PK: Did he ever tell you that he loved you?

HD: Yeah, he did, but that came later. I remember that I told him that I loved him and you would think he’d say he loved me in return, but he said something like “What makes you think I didn’t know that.”

PK: Usually you’d say it back, especially to your own child.

HD: Well, like I said, every opportunity was afforded him. I don’t know why he did what he did. My Uncle Orville did tell me though that the man who left for war never came back. That might be where he lost his ability to feel emotions.

PK: Tell me what was it like reading your actual [medical] files, because just reading your book was very difficult reading for me, just as a normal reader.

HD: The files themselves are different. I got very angry with some of it because a lot of it wasn’t the truth, and there was no way to actually respond to the lies. I mean, how do you correct it? They were what changed my whole life. On one page Freeman actually wrote that my dad left the room and then my stepmother Lou told him about me hurting my brother. But most likely Freeman knew that was a lie, so he had to set up the situation so that it didn’t look like he was guilty of participating in it. It was really frustrating because you could really see through the whole thing. At least I could, because I lived it. Then it was whether I could get Charles or someone else to understand the full impact of what I knew. You can’t always tell your whole life and tell every detail of what you knew.

PK: You did a great job because it really does come through in the book. And it’s very clear that you were not a bad kid. You might have had ADHD or been a little hyperactive, but you were a good kid inside and you were a healthy kid who just liked to keep busy. You had an active brain and you liked to do things.

HD: I told Charles I really didn’t want to point fingers and blame in the book because I think the readers themselves could identify what was wrong.

PK: Absolutely. If you just describe what happened then the readers can figure it out for themselves, and you’re not spoon-feeding them everything.

HD: After all, it’s only my opinions about what happened, and maybe I don’t see it clearly.

PK: Well, it’s hard to imagine it any other way, quite frankly.

HD: A lot of the readers agree with it, but some don’t agree with it. Se'la'vie, they have a right to their opinions I guess.

PK: Has anybody actually thought the lobotomy was justified?

HD: Yes, people wrote that. Not completely justified, but they treated it like it was not an outrageous thing.

PK: So they minimized it.

HD: Like they mentioned a few things, like that maybe Freeman was only looking, in his own way, for some way of helping Lou with a difficult child. They felt I was difficult back in those days.

PK: Yes, but it still doesn’t justify that extreme action.

HD: Yeah, well I don’t know, I’m just saying what they thought. I didn’t subscribe to that, and I had to hold myself back from even writing stuff back to these people because I may not hold my tongue that well and I’m trying to, quote unquote, sell a book, and I don’t want to come off as “you see things my way or…”

PK: On the other hand, your anger would be justified. I just can’t think of any reason that it would be acceptable to do that to a twelve year old child, and, you know, I think maybe on some level your dad may have known that, and maybe that’s why he closed his eyes to it and didn’t take any responsibility.

HD: Yeah. I didn’t push it for him to have to take it during the PBS interview. I thought during the PBS interview it wasn’t real necessary for him to take responsibility for it, and can’t we just walk away from it as it is now? We already know, and that’s all that really matters, is that I know and he knows, and the readers and listeners will know, and we don’t need to go any farther than that.

PK: I think that’s a very evolved attitude about it.

HD: It wasn’t always my attitude about it, believe me.

Next time, Part II of my Howard Dully interview will delve deeper into recovery and forgiveness as I share with him why I personally found his book so meaningful.

Trading Popcorn for Kleenex

2008-10-03T08:14:00.008-04:00

I've been haunted by two movies I rented recently and I'm hoping you find them as touching and thought-provoking as I did. In both cases I got far more than what I expected when I clicked the Netflix "add to my queue" boxes.

I rented The Orphange thinking I'd humor my older son by watching a hokey scary movie with him, but it turned out to be much more than that. The woman in this film goes back to the old orphanage where she grew up as a child, to live with her husband and son. There are some decidedly creepy events regarding the son going missing during a Halloween party. The husband leaves the orphange after months of searching for the missing child, but the mother cannot leave knowing that either her child or his body is somewhere close by. You'll be drawn into this film as it changes from a scary movie into a heartbreaking exploration of the universal mother's love for her child. Enjoy your popcorn for the first forty five minutes, and have your box of tissues by your side for the latter part of the movie. This film is subtitled but if subtitles bother you I'm betting you'll soon forget them and when you recall the film later you'll hear the conversations in your memory as though the characters had spoken English.

Lars and the Real Girl was another delightful surprise. I rented it thinking it was some sort of light sex comedy and suspecting I'd probably regret wasting two hours of my life on a 2008 version of Porky's. Wrong. Ryan Gosling does an exceptional job as a single man who yearns for a life partner but finds it safer to haul around a lifelike doll than date a real flesh and blood woman (check out that Realdoll "studio" link: It's really interesting, if unsettling.) Like The Orphanage, this film explores the emotional connection between mother and child, only from the child's point of view. It also provides interesting exploration into issues like the importance of understanding and acceptance when one family member's lifestyle is different or non-traditional. As with The Orphanage, you'll be setting that bowl of popcorn aside and reaching for the Kleenex by the end of this one.

The Art & Craft of Writing

2008-09-22T21:13:00.016-04:00

I decided I was going to write a book about my life when I was twelve, and started writing it when I was twenty five. I continued working on it, on and off, for over two decades. As the years passed I occasionally plugged away at my memoir but it always felt like something was missing.

I'd always been an avid reader and thought that my appreciation of good writing would translate into my creating good writing. Like many writers, I was optimistic but naive. Then about a year and a half ago I found some great writers' sites and began what was to become my actual memoir. Until then I thought I was writing, but I was wrong. I'd been journaling, venting, creating very long masters level term papers which I thought I'd eventually string together, and basically regurgitating facts onto paper, but I wasn't writing.

For me, real writing involves two levels of creativity. One level is emotional. I have to be able to go into emotional places that aren't normally laid raw and write about things that wouldn't normally be considered socially acceptable to discuss in most circumstances, and get into what I call my zone. When this happens for me, the world is blocked out and I forget that I'm typing on a keyboard. I get into my feelings and become completely focused on conveying those feelings in concrete words. This feels great because I'm getting a high like the endorphin rush athletes feel when they get into their zones. This is the art of writing.

The other level is a more intellectual one. This involves the actual craft of writing, where I'm considering sentence structure, punctuation, story arc, character development, and other technical aspects of writing. It also includes learning about audiences, marketing, and the business aspects of writing and publishing. If I don't have these elements in place, no agent or publisher is going to take me seriously because no matter how poignant my feelings are or brilliant my thoughts are I'm going to look like a hack.

It took me a while but I'm thankful for finally discovering what works for me. Every writer's processes are unique to them. The important thing is to find what works for you, and go for it.

Happy Clicking!

2008-09-16T15:05:00.003-04:00

After my book is sold I plan to have a web site built to promote it. It'll be a place for readers to catch up on the latest news, see my schedule, leave comments and contact me. Web sites have come so far even in the short couple of years it's been since my son (who was 12 at the time) built my professional web page for me. Now web sites have all kinds of bells and whistles that we only dreamed about even five years ago. Here are some of my faves:

My ultimate fave is the web site for The Riches, shown on F/X. It's visually stunning, isn't it? My son tells me this isn't particularly hard to build. Don't ask me. I depend on my fourteen-year-old to tell me these things. (After it loads scroll down to see the suburban neighborhood. And btw, it's a GREAT show too.)

I love web sites where you get an immediate feel of what the person or product is about. Okay Dave's site is a good example.

Doreen Orion's site gives us an immediate picture of her as a person without compromising her professionalism as a psychiatrist. It's intelligent, inviting, attractive and very interactive, just like her. I also like that it comes across as kind of unisex so that's it's appealing to both/all genders. Having her blog in-site ensures lots of traffic - very smart.

Toyota has this coolio site with little doohickeys you can click on. Isn't it fun? Here's a similar one for Adobe Creative Suite (click "enter" to explore.)

I love Augusten Burroughs new site, although I have to admit to being a little disappointed because he asked readers to send in pictures and I did, and there are none to be found. (That's probably because he was sent so many pictures of himself with his fans that his desktop crashed and burned and he had to buy a whole new computer. Maybe even a whole new house.) This site is very personalized and has a lot of fun places to explore, just like the man himself.

My son tells me that flash is a pain in the ass because it takes so long to load that many viewers give up on it before it reaches 100%, but I love it anyway. What this world needs is fewer flashers and more Flash. What do you think?

A Whole New Journey

2008-09-10T00:32:00.012-04:00

After lots of fussing I've finally set my book to one side knowing that I've done absolutely positively everything to it that I can. I've polished my nonfiction book proposal, burnished my query, tightened my annotated chapters, etc., and am very happy with everything. I am SO grateful to everyone who has been here for me: Beta reading, sharing their expertise, offering advice, hearing me out when I got frustrated, and reminding me that nothing binds quite like a good laugh with a kindred spirit.

Among my wonderful writing friends who I've had the pleasure of meeting in real life are A. S. King, Robin Altman, Doreen Orion, and John Robison, and those who I haven't yet met IRL include the Anti-Wife, Haven Kimmel, Rhonda aka Chuck, Leah J. Utas, Patricia Wood , Mark Bastable and Jill E. Hughes. This is one incredibly talented, generous and sweet groups of folks...Am I blessed or what?!?

I'm confident in my query and I'm ready to dig into that list of memoir agents I've been collecting for the past year. Now, a whole new journey to obsess about...the querying process!