IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR, IT IS... caught.

Yankeeservatives: Loss to Phillies will weed out YINOs (Yankees In Name Only)

2009-11-04T13:07:00.000-05:00

Across the Yankiverse, eyes turn to the Bronx tonight for what Yankeeservatives are calliing a national referendum on Robinson Cano, Phil Coke and Brett Gardner -- controversial players whose views on the strike zone may not be pure enough to be supported by the Grand Old Team's ultra-zealous fanbase.

Tuesday, bloggers and talk radio hosts condemned YINOs -- Yankees In Name Only -- demanding their release.

"AJ Burnett is illustrating precisely what moderate Yankees are," Alphonso Limbaugh told his listeners. "He has just put an exclamation point on the problem with YINOs. They eventually end up exactly where most Redsocks do. They're just a little slower in getting there. AJ has screwed every YINO in the country. We could say he's guilty of widespread bestiality."

Meanwhile, team leaders urged caution, saying the franchise must maintain its "Big Tent" approach to the stadium, even if it means alternative strike zones for the likes of Phil Hughes and Chad Gaudin.

10 Yankee ways Kate Hudson managed to drop 20 pounds!

2009-11-04T11:03:00.000-05:00

1. Quit gourging on clubhouse food between doubleheaders.

2. After Yankee walkoffs, switched pies from banana cream to shaving cream.

3. No more "eating contests" with C.C.

4. Care package from Joba's mom.

5. Skips meal after every Arod beaning.

6. Following Jew slur, returned "hollow leg" to Ronan Tynan.

7. "Purges" whenever Yanks leave runners on base.

8. The Joe Girardi Micro-Management Diet.

9. Halted daily snack deliveries from W.B. Mason.

10. Withering glares from Minka Kelly.

Despite all his rage he is still just at bat in the cage: John Sterling sings with the Smashing Pumpkins

2009-11-04T09:05:00.000-05:00

And you thought Corgan a Cubs fan?

10 Reasons Why We Will Win Tonight

2009-11-04T06:14:00.000-05:00

1. Pedro Martinez is pitching on only four days rest.

2. They still haven't met our secret weapon, Chad Gaudin.

3. Their closer is Chase Utley.

4. Their bridge to the closer is Chan Ho Park.

5. Joe Buck can't stand two more nights with McCarver.

6. Multi-faceted Ramiro Pena expands Joe's options to manage.

7. Humankind has run out of old SNL personalities (Carvey, Spade, Chase, Hammond, et al) for commercials.

8. Shane Victorino's finger has the size and color of a Matt Stairs' turd.

9. No Yankee loss can end; Johnny Damon will simply foul off pitches forever.

10. Mariano prepped for six-inning save.

Despite disputed qualifications, Kate Hudson voted October YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

2009-11-03T20:46:00.001-05:00

Actress Kate Hudson -- daughter of actress Goldie Hawn and one of the almost-famous Hudson brothers, (Ernie?) -- has been voted

OCTOBER YANKEE
EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!

The award was given as a result of a month in which Hudson -- former star of "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" -- batted .360 with 6 home runs and 18 RBIs, while fielding a flawless third base. Her key home runs against Minnesota, California and Philadelphia led the Yankees to the cusp of the franchise's 27th World Championship.

Questions were raised when it became apparent that Hudson is not technically a Yankee employee but is a "friend" of one. Under New York State law, working benefits cannot legally be extended to friends or acquaintances of contractually hired employees, except in extreme circumstances, such as a great post-season by that certain employee!

Congratulations, Ms. October!

"You're off the mark, Teixeira!" Suggested future calls for Mr. Sterling if the Yankees blow this

2009-11-03T16:32:00.000-05:00

I ain't sayin' it's gonna happen.

But if the Yankees blow this thing, well, I'm just glad we're a neutral site, without bias or lean, because you hotheads in the Yankiverse could turn pretty negative. I can even imagine John changing his calls.

"A K-bomb, from A-Rod."

"And the Melk Man delabors!"

"Robbie Cano, why don't you know?"

"El Capitan'... and Tennille."

"It's Johnny on the pot!"

"Nick Swisher... Suckalicious!"

"Georgie junks one!"

"Phil Choke."

"What a shitty job by Joba!"

Kate Hudson pulling away in October YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH vote, but is she really eligible?

2009-11-03T16:09:00.001-05:00

It's not too late to vote.

Twentysix: The Poem

2009-11-03T15:32:00.003-05:00

Twenty-Six

By dadlak

For sure the Yanks have won a lot
So many times fed from the trough
Of victory, but their fans know
That twenty-six is not enough.

Like Reggie with his classic cars
Or Bill O’Reilly belching guff
The world may not quite sympathize
But twenty-six is not enough.

Trump’s hairpieces, Saddam’s manses
LeBron’s palace full of stuff
Some might say it’s all excessive
But twenty-six is not enough.

So when you go to bed tonight
And pray for God to end the suf-
Ferring of those in pain, please add
Christ! Twenty-six is not enough.

Yankeetorial: There is only one way to end the 8-year flu

2009-11-03T13:07:00.001-05:00

To the Yankiverse:

Our eight-year curse began at home.

She needs to leave us from there.

She took the form of a certain pug pitcher named Pedro Martinez, who stood on our mound and rejoiced in our humiliation.

She must leave in just that manner.

She laughed at us, she howled primal ecstacy, she shrieked cold delight as Johnny Damon crushed our soul-stealing home run to seal our doom.

She needs to see it from the other side.

What better way, what better place, what better circumstance than Wednesday at home... to send the curse on her way?

Tomorrrow.

Home.

Pedro.

This thing ends.

Just Hold On Til Mo

2009-11-03T11:46:00.005-05:00

When your son asks you advice on mascara,
When your head's a-flame and your mouth's a Sahara,
When that small, still voice inside prattles like Berra--
I've got two words:
Mariano Rivera.

When you're uprooted and force-marched to some terra
Incognita, a dark, doomed hell where a perky Sarah
Palin is president and not just a chimera--
Repeat to yourself:
Mariano Rivera.

When you yearn for escape and consider hara-
Kiri--Breathe deep, relax, don a fresh guayabera,
And watch the greatest hero since Before the Common Era--
He'll bless you and keep you:
Mariano Rivera.

Observations On the Media, with John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman

2009-11-03T11:26:00.001-05:00

It's a changing world out there, what with the technology thing always going on.

Last night, John & Suzyn ruminated on the dynamic forces of media that will not only restructure future society, but shall resonate with the collective subconscious of our culture, impacting our sensibilities in ways that few of us can imagine.

But enough of me! Let's "give a listen."

In Victory, Phillies Want To Kill Each Other

2009-11-03T10:27:00.003-05:00

So right after Game Five Cole Hamels is holding his cup out for some Gatorade or whatever it is the Phillies drink, and Brett Myers bumps him and says "'Ade is for Gators, not for masturbators," or whatever it is Phillies say when they want to make a quitter cry even though they just won a World Series game like five minutes before, and some rickety old coach has to hold them both at knifepoint until the SWAT team arrives. Read all about it here.

This is maybe why Alphonso should not be so afraid to face Cole Hamels on full rest.

Looking For A Bright Sunny View

2009-11-03T09:29:00.002-05:00

Last night, I am told, I created havoc in an upper east side bar.

The troubles began when it turned out the rumors were true that Joe Girardi had agreed to let AJ start on short rest.

When we were down 3-0 after the first three Philly batters, I tossed my first pint-sized glass against the bathroom door.

By the time Phil Coke did his ADD-based
"walkabout" ( anyone out there remember Evonne Goolagong?), and imagined that he was throwing batting practice at the pre-all star game home run derby, it was my hamburger and french fries that went sailing.

After Tex struck out in the ninth, representing the $181 million tying run, I began "re-arranging " some chairs.

I am now out $3,227 for undisclosed damages, and supposedly unwelcome for a while.

So I decided today was a day for happy thoughts;

1. It isn't the destination, it's the journey.

Aren't we all just exited to be here? To see the pagentry, the bunting, the painted logos on the fields. Don't you smile when you see the 80,000 white towels waving in Philadelphia, reminiscent of the first winter snowfall?

2. The Yankees are trying really hard.

If you do the best you can you'll always be a winner, right? AJ didn't want to fail. He wanted to show that he was just as tough, reliable, and good as his teammate CC Sabathia. He put himself out there for us. And Joe showed him trust and confidence.

3. You win some, you lose some.

Do we really think Joe Girardi makes terrible decisions to hurt us, or to hurt the team? Sometimes it is difficult to see the truth when you are sitting there in the dugout. And, after all, all we need is one more win. We are still in the drivers seat. what could be more delicious than winning in front of our own fans, anyway?

4. Good pitching beats good hitting.

We can't blame Tex, or Cano, or Gardiner, or any of the other "mendoza line" performers. You think they aren't trying ( well, maybe Robbie isn't )? It is really hard to hit a 95 mph fastball up and in. Or a slider in the dirt. Let's lighten up. each of these players is helping the Yanks in other ways. We should be proud of each and every one of them.

5. It isn't if you win or lose. It's how you play the game.

I bet we all forgot that famous saying, now didn't we? The Yanks are showing grit, professionalism and courage. I am proud of them no matter what happens. And you are, too. After all, we've already won 26 world championships.

6. Isn't it enough just to see Derek, Mo, Andy and Jorge back in the bright lights?

The greatest group of home grown Yankees ( also Bernie ) in most of our recent memories. What a thrill. Just seeing them again, together, on the biggest stage of the baseball world. All future hall of fame players ( I hope ). It is enough.

7. I need a bloody mary.

Yankeetorial: We call upon the collective juju of the Yankiverse to prepare for tomorrow

2009-11-03T09:12:00.002-05:00

Each of the bloggers for IT IS HIGH was selected for his/her psychic ability to influence Yankee games.

Many of you out there have your own schemes, your at-bat chair and your in-the-field seat -- your sequence of tilting the hat, jumping your spouse, hiding snack foods, shaking your bean stick totems.

We call upon the Yankiverse to stop at nothing Wednesday night.

Alphonso: YOU MUST BE MORE NEGATIVE THAN EVER BEFORE. If you thought you could bring disillusionment and sorrow, well, Sunny Jim, it's time to kick it up a notch. After you write, we gotta be like that lady with the wind-up doll on the commerical (who has three kids; yeesh, are they going to be screwed when she kills herself!)

Fraud: YOU MUST ATTACK ME AS NEVER BEFORE. (That's what you do, right? You attack me to win ballgames. Right?)

Bernie: GET OUT THE ICONS. GET THOSE KIDS OF YOURS INTO THE RIGHT LUCKY SHIRTS.

SuperFrankenstein: ONE WORD: BLINGY.

Ike: RHYME "MARIANO RIVERA."

Wailin', Ghost, Mons, I'm, Kei, Anonymous, all of you... BRING THE LOAD, TOADLICKERS, CUE THE JUJU! KILL A CELEBRITY. BREAK ELI MANNING'S HANDS. GET THE POPE LAID. WHATEVER IT TAKES. HOLD NOTHING BACK!

A measured contemplation from one Mr. Sterling, rendered during last night's game

2009-11-03T06:05:00.000-05:00

Yanks Drop First MLB Game Ever To Be Played On Steve Ditko's Birthday

2009-11-03T00:47:00.003-05:00

Ditko not only created NYC-based super-heroes Spider-Man and Dr. Strange, but he was born in 1927, THE SAME YEAR THE 1927 YANKEES PLAYED THE GAME OF BASEBALL!!

Steve Ditko on Wikipedia
Steve Ditko Comics Weblog

We are not going to lose this thing

2009-11-02T23:32:00.003-05:00

The reason?

They are not that good.

We have already beaten two better teams than the Phillies.

We are not going to lose this thing.

We are going to home and beat Pedro.

That's the way it was meant to be.

Listen to me:

We are not going to lose this thing.

We have too many great players.

They cannot sweep us on our home field.

They do not have a pitcher who can shut us down.

We can hit Pedro.

We are not going to lose this thing.

Repeating: WE ARE NOT GOING TO LOSE THIS THING.

I am not just flapping my gums.

I know what I am talking about.

Take these words seriously, because I don't shoot off my mouth without thinking long and hard about each statement.

That's the way I am.

And that's the way this Yankee team is.

They play well, is what I mean.

WE ARE NOT GOING TO LOSE THIS THING.

Do you understand?

WE ARE NOT GOING TO LOSE THIS THING.

I am going to bed now.

John Calls our Name... almost

2009-11-02T22:29:00.000-05:00

Girardi Decision Blows Series For Yanks !

2009-11-02T21:38:00.002-05:00

This was idiotic from moment one. Starting AJ on 3 days rest.

Chad Gaudin could have given us a decent start, and Hughes, Ace, and other bullpen failures could have mopped up. There was never any chance of the Yankees hitting Lee. Never.

So now we have two guys on 3 days rest to pitch games 6 and 7, while the Phillies have Pedro and Hamels on regular rest.

Great planning.

Pettitte cannot pitch successfully on short rest at his age. So we shall have a game 7 with CC trying to do it a 3rd time.

If we had conceded this game, ( and Gaudin might have done well ), both AJ and Andy would have been on full rest. Now, we have nothing.

Now, it is 2004 again.

Thanks , Joe, for again over- managing yet again. This is pure stupidity.

Number 27 will have to come next year.

With Derek, and Mo and Jorge and Andy another year older.

With another classic collapse on their hands.

Idiot.

If this poor lady doesn't kill herself, the pills can lift her from depression

2009-11-02T18:08:00.000-05:00

Forget that episode of "House" and the "Avitar" trailer. The spookiest images this October are of this roadmap-eyed mom talking about being unable to climb from bed because she knows in her heart that life absolutely, totally sucks.

Nothing outspooks this lady's zombified face, while she winds up the little doll and Mr. Pharma Announcer describes the vomitng, sweating spells, Tim Burton dreams and abrupt urges to eat a drill bit -- which are better than the feelings already in her head.

Nope, life sucks. Nothing matters. The world is hell, and where's Mommy's helper bottle?

Without chemicals, life itself would be impossible. So why not amp-up some hope, especially if your team loses four?

Folks, we've come a long way from "Ballantine Blasts" and the "one beer to have when you're having more than one." The Divisionals gave us liquor ads, couched with the "Always drink responsibly!" guilt-avoidance mantra.

Maybe we should stop complaining that World Series games start too late for children to watch. The ads are too inappropriate.

If the Yankees blow it, these anti-depressant jolts might just be the last image I remember before throwing up, sweating and jumping off the 19th floor.

Newly Discovered Photo of John's Grandmother

2009-11-02T16:34:00.002-05:00

Prepping the family for greatness...

Open Letter to Arod: MARRY THIS WOMAN, OR SHE MAY HAVE TO RENOUNCE HER POSSIBLE VICTORY AS YANKEE OCTOBER EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

2009-11-02T16:33:00.001-05:00

Questions have been raised regarding the employment status of actress Kate Hudson, currently the vote leader in the contest to be named OCTOBER YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH.

Because she is not married to Alex Rodriguez, and is therefore not officially on the books as a Yankee employee or family of a Yankee employee, it is not clear whether she will qualify for this award. (NOTE: After Jim Rice won in August, prompting a huge public outcry after he never once used the preferred parking spot, rules were tightened to make sure only Yankee employees would qualify.)

The IIH-IIF-IIc election crew is gathering to discuss this call. We must get it right. However, considering the situation at hand, we request that Alex simply pop the marriage proposal question tonight, on national TV, in the locker room, following the Yankee victory. This will elminate our concerns relating to the vote.

Jimmy Rollins' updated Series prediction: Phillies in 8

2009-11-02T14:39:00.000-05:00

Pin him down on the Jersey governor's race, then head to Vegas and bet the opposite.

We can hit it big.

Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due

2009-11-02T12:28:00.002-05:00

I think we all need to raise a ( full ) glass to El Duque, our Senior Partner and Historian Laureate, for reminding us of the Ying and Yang of the Football Giants and the Baseball Yankees.

After the third straight humiliation and embarrassment of watching the football Giants, Duque's reminder of the Ying and Yang effect between these two franchises appeared on this medium.

History has proven this relationship is not a fluke.
I now believe we can win this thing in baseball, because the Giants can't win anything in football. A-Rod has become Eli and Eli has become a slower version of Freddy Guzman.

I am now OK with a 5-11 season for the Giants, an equal trade for a 27th baseball championship.

Not to say I'm not still in a panic. I spent 16 months in an unnamed facility in New Canaan Ct. after the fall of 2004.

I still see the horror. The panic. The monsters. Only when I am 3/4 into a bottle of tequila do they become beautiful women to me.

I'm very concerned about AJ ( on 3 days rest ) vs. Lee on 4 days rest. I'm concerned about Lee on no days rest. Could we hit him tennis rackets?

But if Ying and Yang stay in balance we'll bring this home, either in Philly or NY.

So thanks again, Duque, for bringing back to our attention the peace, balance and calm of that ancient, reliable relationship from the Orient.

Thanks, also, for the fried rice, egg rolls, Kung- Pau chicken and Utica club that you will fete us with when the crown is back in the Bronx.

Meanwhile, I am staying on the hard stuff.

Chase Dewey Beats Melky Truman

2009-11-02T12:27:00.000-05:00

(Thanks for the hedzup, Jimmy Rollins.)