Insightful Life

Daily Cognitive Intervention

2009-05-31T16:05:00.003-04:00

Life consists in what a man [or woman]

is thinking of all day.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Giving Couples Counseling a Try

2009-04-05T21:01:00.004-04:00

Over 50% of marriages in this country end in divorce. Second marriages have a higher likelihood of failure. Could couples counseling (marriage counseling) help you beat the odds when the going gets tough? Couples counseling can improve your relationship and communication, and maybe get you back on the road to a happier future.

Why Couples Counseling?

If you are seriously concerned about your relationship and wonder if it needs help, chances are it does. Research has shown that couples often wait many years after they first notice problems before seeking couples counseling. This makes couples counseling less likely to be effective, and it can take longer.

What Happens in Counseling?

When you meet with the couple’s counselor, you will share information, explore issues, and clarify the difficulties that you have faced. The counselor will encourage you to express yourself more fully and to listen more carefully than you may have been accustomed to doing in your relationship. Important questions will be asked about your communication, the time you spend with each other, and the pattern of closeness you experience – the moving toward and away from each other. All of this helps your counselor assess the duration and intensity of your conflict so mutual goals can be established.

Couples counselors often meet with clients individually to gather information about past relationships and life events. These experiences affect relationships and can give clues to strategies for change. “What will change or be different in your relationship if couples counseling is successful?” Answering this question can help you know when your goal has been met or when couples counseling should end.

You and your partner may participate in activities and communication exercises at home and in the sessions. The goal is to learn skills to enjoy the rewards of a

warm, affectionate, and supportive relationship. You will develop strategies

to use in the future if difficulties return. Support from the counselor will

help reinforce the changes you learn.

Common Problems and You?

Although couples are unique, few problems are new to couples counselors. Sexual issues, money problems, children and parenting issues, religion differences, in-law difficulties, and communication issues are common struggles. Infidelity and cheating, jealousy, balancing work and home, differences in goals and values, and concerns about compatibility all bring couples into counseling.

Who Provides Couples Counseling?

Couples counseling is usually provided by licensed mental health professionals who have experience and training in working with couples. Marriage and family therapists, clinical social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, pastoral counselors, and professional counselors may all offer services. Your HMO or PPO may have other options for struggling couples. But remember, if you must pay out of pocket, it might be worth it.

What if My Spouse Won’t Go?

If your spouse or partner refuses to go to couples counseling, it does not mean that your relationship can’t be helped. Couples counseling often starts with one person, with the more reluctant partner joining later. Even if your partner never joins you, it is still possible to make some significant improvements in your relationship.

Adapted from DFA E005 2007

A Matter of Trust

2009-02-01T11:09:00.009-05:00

We have often pointed out that trust is essential in a healthy and growing relationship. And the single most important element in that trust is safety.

The need for physical safety is a given, but in emotional terms, how is that sense of safety damaged in our intimate relationships?

Obvious examples might include, physical violence and actively trying to tear down your partner with name-calling or other hurtful statements intended to do harm.

These examples are more likely to occur with couples stuck in a cycle of trying to "win" a disagreement, sometimes at any cost.

Less obvious examples are more often encountered, even in generally satisfying relationships.

Two of the more subtle forms are undermining and discouraging. Both are closely related and important to address.

A good analogy for emotional undermining occurs frequently when we are trying to lose weight and our partner brings home our favorite cheese cake.

A mistake is one thing, but a pattern of such behavior can be undermining.

Discouraging is well-known to most of us and can be intended to help us avoid trouble.

Reminding us of our limitations rather than our strengths, or focusing us on the difficulties of our life options, if consistently applied as a pattern, can be discouragement.

What to do about these patterns in our relationships?

Point these patterns out, how they effect you, and describe how you would rather have a partner express concern for you.

These often well-intentioned partners can be offended by an allegation of using these processes.

Maintain the effort consistently and tactfully and always tell them what to do instead for your sense of safety. And call us if you need help.

Live Well. Now.

More of Getting Started

2008-12-10T10:42:00.003-05:00

The simplification of life is one of the steps to inner peace

- Unknown fortune cookie

When you think about what you want, what comes to mind? In this holiday season, most of us are likely to reel off a list of items that we desire to own.

Nothing wrong with that, of course, as long as we keep the Big Picture in mind.

What is the Big Picture for you? We encourage a focus on meaning and purpose and feeling good about your life.

Start with the basics as your foundation.

What do you say to someone who asks you, “Are you happy?” Most people would say things like, “Yeah, mostly” or “I guess so” or “Why do you ask?”

We all spend so much time trying to get daily life done that we lose track of the overall perspective.

Keep it simple. Knowing the basic elements of happiness for you, is the key to getting more of what you want at the core of yourself.

Consider the emotional issues you are coping with and how it is going with each. Keep it brief and to-the-point. Then, set that list aside.

Next, consider what is important to you and what you want more of in your life: love, peace, meaning, friendship, etc.

Then, consider what you might do to get more of these elements in your life. Again, keep it simple and focus on two or three elements you can do easily.

For example, if you love being in the water, resolve to go swimming more often. If you love to learn new things, resolve to take a class or to pick up a book (or laptop) and learn.

This is the beginning exercise that we should repeat often, just like physical exercise. Your answers may become most elaborate, but always keep them “do-able”.

This level of focus gives you the ability to plan to be successful with your efforts.

We say it often because it is true: do more of what you want and do less of what you don’t.

Are there life complications that make this a difficult plan to implement? Of course.

The point is to do what you can, when you can, to feed your core emotional needs.

You can do it and we can help.

Live Well.

How's Your Marriage Going?

2008-11-08T13:49:00.007-05:00

Most couples have periods of marital stress from time to time.

Do you know when you need to address things directly rather than wait for them to improve?

Take a look at the article, "Why Some Long-Term Marriages End in Divorce" available at http://www.helpstartshere.org/. This is the website of the National Association of Social Workers.

Insight Associates is a psychotherapy practice of professional Social Workers with clinical, therapeutic licenses from the state of North Carolina.

Schedule an appointment in Waynesville or Whittier, NC, to help you resolve your questions about relationships and life.

You Can Do It!

2008-03-18T10:46:00.001-04:00

Whatever you can do or dream you can do, begin it! Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now!

- Johann Von Goethe

Passive / Aggressive?

2008-02-05T21:02:00.000-05:00

Take a chance! All life is a chance. The person who goes farthest is generally the one who will do and dare.
- Unknown Author

The old term, passive-aggressive, is not used as often as in the past, but it still applies to a lot of people.

The term refers to those who passively tolerate people and situations even though they don’t want to.

Their frustration builds until the blow-up or break-down.

This process is almost like flying on auto-pilot emotionally.

As usual, we have all either been passive-aggressive ourselves or watched someone who carried out this decision-making and behavior pattern.

It is usually a pattern of behavior we are very familiar with.

Maybe our parents have used this pattern and we have watched as it seemed to work for them; conflicts were avoided and family balance reestablished as long as someone stayed quiet.

Perhaps Mom or Dad had the role of always being right, and the other, always gave in.

Later, we might have been passive in tolerating an uncomfortable situation and then over-reacted in responding to a minor frustration; like dealing with a child or a fellow driver on the road.

If it worked in the past, why change? What are the pros and cons of this behavior?

The upside is that it works (to avoid conflict) and the downside is that it doesn’t work well enough (for our emotional satisfaction).

Ask yourself if this has become a habit for you.

Am I trying to avoid a conflict or confrontation that might occur if I said what I really think and feel?

We can all think of exceptions to the general rule of speaking openly and honestly (did you really like Grandma’s anise seed cookies?).

But, if you find that you swallow your feelings more often than you want, and then aggressively express your feelings in damaging ways due to your frustration, you need to change your pattern.

Recognize your pattern. Remain calm. Say what you think and feel, calmly and tactfully.

Don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t work perfectly. Recognize that it will take time to get into a new and healthier rhythm. Get a trusted partner to help you if you want or need one.

Stick with it. You can do this. We can help.

Live Well. Now.

Living Fearlessly?

2008-01-04T10:19:00.000-05:00

Because you are in control of your life. Don't ever forget that. You are what you are because of the conscious and subconscious choices you have made.

- Barbara Hall

The other day I was driving an unfamiliar stick-shift vehicle when I had a choice of routes to my destination. One was slightly longer and easier. The other was shorter and more convenient.

But, the shorter route was also steep. And the thought went through my mind that I might stall the vehicle in the intersection.

I had done so while driving my own vehicle once (okay twice) and felt the humiliation of having others honk their horns at me to get out of their way.

As I had these thoughts of choosing a route, I was struck by how ridiculous this “fear” was. All of these thoughts, and the decision, took only 2-minutes at most.

All of this led me to wonder, how would you live if you had no fear of failing?

If you want to assess this question in your life you might consider the following:
Have you been successful more often than not in the past in similar situations?
What are the consequences of failing (stalling)? For me they were not that big (and I could deal with that potential for a small humiliation).
Do you need to face the fear? In this case I did; this was a small challenge regardless of the outcome.

This situation was small but it illustrated a much larger issue to me about how I think and assess my choices. If a tiny fear in a tiny situation was influencing my choices then how else might fear influence me?

We all have to continue to recognize our thought patterns and make conscious decisions that are right for us rather than be limited by fear.

What fear is limiting you right now? Considering what you want to consider for your life? Saying what you what to say? Thinking what you what to think? Living the way you want to live?

You might also ask yourself if you are doing something to prevent yourself from dealing with fear. This might sound unlikely but in reality it is very common.

Are you overeating, spending, drinking, drugging, focused on trivia, or just generally distracting yourself and avoiding the question?

Don’t let fear of any size be the determining factor in your life decisions. Author Susan Jeffers wrote a book called “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway”. That’s a good perspective for all of us to have.

There are rarely situations in daily life where we can truly “fail”. Even if we do, we get back up, learn from mistakes and go on to do it better next time.

Live Well. Now.

Happy New Year!

2007-12-31T10:05:00.000-05:00

What do you resolve to do for yourself in the new year? Resolutions are actually goals for ourselves. Personal fitness, financial and work-related goals are perennial favorites for most of us.

Keep resolutions reasonable and achievable to help maintain your motivation. They should also be measurable so you can see progress and know when you have been successful.

Reward yourself modestly when you reach your goal and then set another one.

Avoid dragging out a resolution that is too difficult, instead make a smaller goal and achieve it. Success builds on itself. You can do it.

Live Well. Now.

Kindness

2007-12-31T09:45:00.000-05:00

Be kind to one another- this is the Golden Rule of marriage and the secret of making love last through the years.
- Randolph Ray

Right for Love?

2007-11-21T07:54:00.000-05:00

Success in love is much more than finding the right person; it is a matter of being the right person.
- Unknown

Addiction in the Family

2007-11-21T07:34:00.000-05:00

We recently received a second call from the young woman dealing with drug and alcohol addiction. She said she was doing better but she also had ongoing concerns about repairing damaged relationships.

We wanted to provide some brief ideas to help her, and anyone else, cope with addiction and the effects on families.

Understanding these effects can help you make better choices.

Even loving parents often let go of their addicted child at some point, after years or decades. They might stop asking about your life because they are afraid of being given more to worry about.

They refused to give you money or a place to stay because you have abused their love and kindness in the past. You have given them many reasons not to trust you; a proven track record of distrust.

Addiction can make good people turn to lying and stealing from family members. Family members separate from you as a way to maintain their own emotional health.

Don’t let anger and frustration derail your efforts at recovery.

Accept that it will take time for them to even begin to trust you again. Focus on getting your life back on track rather than proving to them that you are trying.

That means your recovery has to be the priority in your life, even when no one is watching you.

The bitter reality is that an addict can spend years complaining to the family about how difficult recovery is so they don’t have to really dig in and do it.

We can’t blame others when they become fatigued while dealing with our distorted lives. We all have a limit to our endurance, even Mom and Dad.

Of course this is oversimplifying the process. Many pieces of the puzzle need to be in place to maintain a healthy recovery plan.

We need to recognize that life can always get better but we must make an effort to get there. The first piece is deciding to be responsible for your life and what happens to you from this day forward.

Ask for what you need; people want to help.

Live Well.

Life or Death?

2007-11-10T12:24:00.000-05:00

Do or do not! There is no try!
- Master Yoda

These following brief comments are related to a recent conversation with someone who is not a client of Insight Associates. She said she was addicted to drugs and alcohol and other behaviors as well.

She was most concerned with her damaged relationship with her family including her parents, siblings, and her own children. Her treatment history included stays at drug rehab facilities and occasional efforts at maintaining a counseling relationship.

When pressed for my opinion about her need to return to inpatient rehab, I said that it was a good idea, but another question was even more important. Are you ready to take charge of your life?

This is a simple question that many of us can make overly complex with ifs, ands, or buts. Our fear of change, and unavoidable consequences, help to keep us locked-in to unhealthy beliefs and behaviors.

For this young woman, the answer was tantamount to deciding if she would rather live or die. We hope she makes the healthy choice.

We all have the ability to begin anew by answering the question, "Am I ready to take responsibility for the course of my life?" The only good choice is also the most obvious one.

Live Well. Now.

Blue Cross Billing Changes

2007-10-30T09:22:00.000-04:00

We are unhappy to have to say this.

Yesterday, Insight Associates announced a change to our Blue Cross/ Blue Shield billing policy effective 10/29/07. We have received enough questions about this change that we would like to clarify the background for this decision.

In our blog entries, we have promoted an uncompromising perspective on attaining your goals. Having a clear vision about what you want, and don’t want, forms the basis for life decision-making.

We have always known that we wanted to focus on the personal relationships of counseling and coaching rather than the “business” of running a practice. The reality is that we must do both.

But, when we have to make a choice between maintaining the clear simplicity of our vision and growing the business, we have chosen to maintain the simplicity.

We will continue to provide billing services for our clients with coverage by the Crescent PPO insurance companies. Crescent is a locally operated PPO and they have been responsive to our needs and easy to work with. We are still an in-network provider with Crescent.

We are also still an in-network provider with Blue Cross/ Blue Shield; only the submission process for reimbursement has changed. If you would like to use your Blue Cross/ Blue Shield benefits for our services, Insight Associates will provide you with a superbill, with all of the necessary practice information, to forward to your BC/BS insurance company for reimbursement. This way BC/BS reimburses you directly rather than Insight Associates.

This change is an effort to continue to do what we love doing while still being accessible to our clients. We have seen this choice as being roughly analogous to shopping at a boutique versus a big mart store. We have chosen to maintain our small size and simple processes to allow us to focus on relationships.

The choice is always yours and we hope you choose Insight Associates.

Please call or email us with questions. And Live Well.

Blissed Out?

2007-10-29T11:54:00.000-04:00

I have no special talents; I am only passionately curious.
- Albert Einstein

Dr. Joseph Campbell made the now-famous statement, "Follow your bliss". Great advice, but how do we do this? It can be a life-long process to answer this question.

If you don't already have a clear path, the way to get started toward your bliss is to follow your curiosity.

Most of us have had the experience of being curious about something but never following through with it. Instead we might say to ourselves, "I'll do that when I have time". It might not be practical to do some of those things we would like to do.

How many of us have said things like:
I'd like to learn to paint.
I'd like to play the piano, guitar, etc.
Some day I'll read that book.
Some day I'll travel to that place.
Some day I'll get what I want.

The best thing you can do is to complete this line of thought by taking action. Complete something you feel passionately about.

Start small if you have to; write a short story rather than your epic novel. Or, write a letter to the editor of your newspaper about that issue that has been in the back of your mind. Bring it out; make it real.

I once worked in a nursing home counseling residents. When I told a resident that I would like to visit her home country one day she said, "Don't wait too long". I've never forgotten it; none of us should.

Live Well. Now.

Step-by-Step

2007-10-29T11:31:00.000-04:00

The path to our destination is not always a straight one. We go down the wrong road, we get lost, we turn back. Maybe it doesn't matter which road we embark on. Maybe what matters is that we embark.
- Barbara Hall

Someone once pointed out that we don’t wait for every stoplight on a street to be green before we drive ahead. We go forward when we have the opportunity and only stop if we must. This is a great analogy for achieving our life goals.

We often hear of people who have decided to move forward in their lives only when conditions are right. Unfortunately, this often means that they never get to where they want to go.

Waiting, without a plan, can result in frustration, hopelessness and despair. Eventually, this process damages our self-worth and our hope of being able to change our lives for the better.

If this happens, improving our lives becomes much more difficult.

Make a resolution to move ahead without waiting for stars to align or conditions to be perfect.

We are not advocating for reckless decision-making; good planning is essential. But, once you have made your plan, carry it out regardless of the obstacles.

Stop waiting and get started, one step at a time. Insight Associates can help.

Live Well. Now.

Choosing (To Avoid) Negative People

2007-10-12T07:23:00.000-04:00

We have all had friends who consistently irritated us with their negativity. Maintaining these friendships can sometimes reach a point of draining our energy or enthusiasm. If this is a damaging pattern you see in them, then you should evaluate if it is also damaging to you.

It can be easy to overlook their behavior by saying to ourselves, "That's just the way they are" or "They've always been opinionated". We often know these people from our personal history rather than consciously choosing them.

If their behavior continually taxes or batters us, then it is time to consider ending that relationship.

We are drawn those relationships that consistently give us more of something (energy, love, attention, kindness, etc.) rather than taking something from us.

This is a constant in the relationship universe; we have to get more out of it than we put into it.

If maintaining a relationship consistently costs too much (in emotional or other terms), then it will drain us.

We have all known a young person who dated someone that we thought was not a good match for them. That young person often learns that fact for themselves when the other person disappoints or hurts them emotionally.

A healthy process of understanding is to assess what happened in that relationship and then to adjust our choices to avoid those personal characteristics in the future.

Who are the "right" friends and partners for us? Those that increase our sense of interest or energy or feeling good about ourselves. And, this positive feeling continues to occur over time and more often than not. These people consistently provide support, concern or love rather than taking from us emotionally.

Consciously choosing our relationships is a large part of Insightful Living. We need to maintain those friendships / partnerships that help us live fuller and happier lives. And, avoid the rest.

Live Well (And Consciously)

2007-09-25T20:23:00.000-04:00

The golden opportunity you are seeking is in yourself. It is not in your environment; it is not in luck or chance, or the help of others; it is in yourself alone.
--Orison Swett Marden

Polarized Thinking

2007-09-14T06:54:00.000-04:00

One of those cognitive distortions that can limit our happiness is called Polarized Thinking. This is a habitual way of thinking that puts life events into all-or-nothing terms.

It tries to put things into clear categories that are easy to deal with.

Most of us have known someone who has used this style. Sometimes this style works very effectively when used in a work environment. Managers who use this style are often seen as decisive and no-nonsense. Their co-workers know what is expected of them and they often try to keep up with the expectations.

In a worst case scenario, this person can develop a reputation as a “bull in a china shop” because of their seeming to be unconcerned about the feelings of others.

When used in our personal lives, polarized thinking, can make someone appear stubborn, inflexible, and unwilling to compromise. Conflict with loved ones is a common reason for us to begin to examine the limits of our thinking style.

Styles are neither right nor wrong. They simply require us to recognize them and make choices about using them rather than to be on “auto-pilot” with our emotions.

So is polarized thinking a skill or a habit? That depends on how much you use it to the exclusion of rational decision-making. Are you making choices about your life or are you simply doing what you have always done regardless of the facts and feelings involved?

As always the key here is balance. Use what works and avoid what limits your outlook. Insight Associates can help you identify and establish this balance; call us to discuss how.

Live Well.

Cognitive Distortions

2007-08-30T08:08:00.000-04:00

"Nurture great thoughts for you cannot go higher than your thoughts."
-- Benjamin Disraeli

Dr. Albert Ellis, the father of Cognitive-Behavioral psychology, identified some of those thought patterns that contribute to our continued good health and our potential illness.

He called these thought patterns, “cognitive distortions”.

All of us have used these statements at one time or another. What we have to ask ourselves is if we rely on them to the point of making them habits that limit our happiness.

Habitual ways of thinking limit our perspective and tend to keep us doing the same things repeatedly, for better and worse.

Next time you interpret a situation negatively, ask yourself if your conclusions are the result of habitual thinking or an objective assessment.

Having an objective partner to help you see alternatives and develop new, healthy styles of thinking can lead to a more satisfying life. Call us to discuss how Insight Associates can help.

We will identify the categories of cognitive distortions individually in coming blog entries.

Live Well.

Some Basics of Personal Growth

2007-08-01T08:42:00.000-04:00

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
- Confucious

Recognize the need for change.
Do you feel the way you want to feel most of the time? Are you generally satisfied with the course of your life? If not, do you want to make the effort to improve your life? Having a timeline for gradual and sustainable life change helps keep us on track to getting what we want.

Get started now!
If you know you need or want change in your life, then waiting only delays your potential for happiness. Even if you put off major changes for the time being, begin planning now to take control of your life situation.

Avoid negativity, in yourself, other people and even life situations.
Examine your beliefs about yourself and your life. Which buoy you and which weight you down? Consider changing those that hold you back.

Learn more about how you function in your life.
Notice what you say to yourself and others about the issues in your life and how you handle daily situations. Are you taking responsibility for what you can control or blaming others or leaving things to chance?

Find people who are living the way you want to live.
Note how others live well. What is it about how they live that you would like to emulate? You might find that one person has one aspect of what you want but someone else has another. That’s fine; no one person has the exact life you would prefer.

Get help from others.
Friends, family, clergy, organizations; anyone who cares, likes or loves you can help to some degree. If your current social resources are not enough or you simply don’t want to deal with them, call Insight Associates for assistance.

You can do it.
If you want more from life, try not to settle for less. There are always things we can do to feel better and enjoy more.

Don’t wait for life to happen to you; take that first step to go after your goals and live the life you choose.

Live Well.

Economic Empowerment

2007-07-23T12:55:00.000-04:00

One way for most people to feel safe is to have money in the bank. It allows us to get the services we need to maintain health and it promotes a feeling of control over our daily lives.

Personal finance might seem to have no connection to our emotional well-being but most of us have experienced the stress of not having enough at some point in our lives. We are more likely to feel helpless if we have fewer financial resources.

Get your personal finances under control to decrease stress. There are numerous books available as well as community organizations that help people regain control of their money. Your bank can also help.

The experts say to pay down credit card debt and save for an "emergency fund" to cover unexpected expenses. Then, learn how to invest to continue the process of economic empowerment.

Money doesn't buy happiness but it can help us to avoid desperation. Start small if you have to but get started today.

Live Well.

Harrahs Cherokee Casino Employee Health Fair

2007-07-18T08:28:00.000-04:00

We are happy to be a part of the Harrahs Cherokee Casino Employee Health Fair that takes place tomorrow, 07/19/07. Stop by our table to discuss what we can do to help you maintain your good emotional health. We hope to meet you there.

Live Well.

The Stigma & The Courage

2007-07-14T18:30:00.001-04:00

Fear is a question: What are you afraid of, and why? Just as the seed of health is in illness, because illness contains information, your fears are a treasure house of self-knowledge if you explore them.
- Marilyn Ferguson

We have said in the Q & A section of our website, Insightfullife.com, that stigma represents a lack of knowledge about emotional processes and the benefits of getting assistance. It's true.

Additionally, people have different attitudes about asking for what they need, even from a spouse in many cases.

Many people have the attitude that asking for help is somehow bad or that it is too big a risk to ask for what they want.

It takes courage to confront our own beliefs about ourselves, and also to risk having others disagree with us.

Even if we are comfortable with asking for help, our fear of how others see us, can inhibit us, sometimes for years.

We can be overly concerned about the opinions of others who believe that asking for help is the last thing we should do.

At Insight Associates, we help you evaluate your attitudes about life, and one of the most important is simply to make decisions based on what is best for you, regardless of other's views.

You deserve to have the life you want. But it does take courage to do things a different way.

Avoid those who are unwilling to accept your healthy choices. Get the helpful assistance you need from family, friends and yes, Insight Associates at Insightfullife.com.

You can do it!

Live Well.

We're Back

2007-07-13T18:36:00.000-04:00

We have been away from our blog for some time now but we are back on track with more entries beginning tomorrow. Thanks for your continued questions and support.