Chris Bisha's 10-Word Challenge

The Giant Suck Off

2009-05-29T03:18:00.000-04:00

The following post is from guest Challenger Jeff Hausman. Great job, Jeff!

The moment of reckoning was upon him. The time was at hand. A million other popular expressions ran through his mind. And still, despite tension in the air so thick you could cut it with a knife, he just couldn't allow the stress of competition get to him. He had to focus!

So thick you could cut it with a knife? What was with him and these old shopworn sayings?

Ben stepped to the floor of the arena. The thousands of people waiting for him to arrive cheered his appearance as he took the long lonely walk to the center of the coliseum. They cheered and clapped at the spectacle before them as they drank their mead and talked casually amongst themselves. Besotted with various intoxicants, they viewed the championship match merely as "entertaining".

For Ben it was a different matter altogether. He'd spent a lifetime preparing for this moment. Once deregulation entered the sport and even the New Peasantry could enter the competition, he'd set about to make it his life's goal to reach this moment. No longer were the common people afraid to challenge the staid and once complacent Old Aristocratic Order or run afoul of the secret police.

And now here he was. He stepped forward to meet his opponent. They were each handed an identical lemon flavored jawbreaker. The bell rang...

Jeff used the seed words from March 28's post, "New Business Model:" afoul, arrive, rang, besotted, jawbreaker, deregulation, entertaining, reckoning, staid, stress

Mizu Shobai

2009-05-28T13:03:00.004-04:00

The deal seemed kind of iffy, but Charlotte was desperate. She adjusted her kimono in her reflection in the one-way mirror and reminded herself that she was only playing a character. Just as joystick-toting teenaged stoners believe that they're doing research for a future video-game design career, she always believed that the acting classes she took were preparing her for a blockbuster role. Well, this was it. She just never thought it would involve the Japanese mafia.

A door opened and she was summoned into the office of the shateigashira, the family's second lieutenant. The cheap laminate paneling and the pungent smell of overripe bananas seemed below a man who had risen to such a rank. She was careful not to look around or register any reaction to her surroundings. While the Yakuza are generally ignored by Japanese authorities, there is a sort of Mob McCarthyism regarding those thought to be connected to the sex trade. She didn't want to so much as flare a nostril, lest she arouse suspicion.

To her surprise, she was rather well received. It seemed her proposition to provide them with young blond American girls interested them. She was told to bring two specimens -- twin sisters -- to their pavilion in the outdoor market the following Saturday. She felt her eyes widen, but she respectfully agreed.

Finding twin virgins would be like finding mini quiche at a Hell's Angels barbeque. But this was her chance. She could only pray that her daughter was still alive.

Seed words: iffy, joystick, kimono, laminate, McCarthyism, nostril, overripe, pavilion, quiche, rather

This excellent list was provided by Mrs. Carmel McCarthy. Mrs. McCarthy explains that she was inspired by the middle of the alphabet. Right on.

150 Million Cubic Metres per Second

2009-05-19T18:05:00.004-04:00

The Gulf Stream is nothing to be trifled with. It transports water at a rate of 150 million cubic meters per second in the zone near Newfoundland. Niagara Falls only spills 202,000 cubic feet of water per second during peak season. Ok, that's feet and not meters (or metres), but the difference in national systems of measure is not my concern. It's just hard to focus on things like regulation of the financial system when there's so much water traveling so fast around us.

I like to sit by the creek that runs along the back of my grandfather's property and listen to the birds. They flitter around in the trees and appear to be completely happy with their lives. Until one of them contracts birdie cancer. I feel all secure and content and then I see a newspaper or somebody's got the news on the radio.

Like the other day. I'm watching the current and trying to figure out this word puzzle. "What sleeps on water, dreams to be heard, and is full of destiny it does not know?" So I'm trying to go through the chronology, but it occurs to me that the puzzle doesn't depend on any order. And then this guy upwind from me turns on a news report all about Dutch elm disease and how all the elms in the Midwest are dying.

Yeah, but do you realize what would happen to you if you tried to go swimming at 30 degrees west longitude off the coast of Newfoundland?

Seed words: Gulf Stream, national, regulation, contract, happy, zone, secure, chronology, Dutch, puzzle

These words were suggested by John Bisha. Thanks Dad!

Obscuriana

2009-05-10T16:15:00.006-04:00

I've honestly never been much of a poll watcher. Granted, the public interest in my historical-fictionalized accounts of stagecoach robberies has always been tepid at best. But my latest project is sure to be more than a blip on the literary radar. I'm researching piracy along the burgeoning organza trade routes in early-19th century Manchu China. My research chronicles the myriad travails along shipping routes bringing organza from the Chinese provinces to eventually find its way to the profitable new markets in America.

Organza is a thin, plain-weave fabric made from the continuous filament of silkworms. It was a rare commodity originally woven by peasants along the Yangtze River in China. From these tiny villages it would make the treacherous river journey to Shanghai, where it was loaded on ships bound for America. The Manchus of the ruling Qing Dynasty would routinely ambush and pummel the peasants along this river route, using falsely-imprisoned Olympic athletes to perform their dirty work.

If the peasants were lucky enough to make it to the small sconce near the Yangtze delta, they would be bracketed by canon fire in an attempt to frighten them into abandoning their payload. Those who made it through this gauntlet were paid a pittance for their wares and sent off to brave their way back to the villages. Most did not survive.

In the big stewing pot known as plausibly-historical fiction, this ground-breaking new work will no doubt prove to be a sensation.

Seed words: stagecoach, athletes, stewing pot, sconce, tepid, organza, pummel, radar, poll watcher, bracket

These fine words were provided by Elizabeth Lenhard. Thanks Liz!

The Commodore

2009-04-08T00:09:00.001-04:00

So, I figure I'll just bide my time. I will be assumed dead before the cash I'm holding is totally depleted. Not that my offenses aren't pardonable, per se. I just don't feel comfortable relying on the mercy of my fellow man.

I was generally considered to be a mountebank, but I never felt like I was particularly flamboyant -- and apparently not deceptive enough, either. I simply practiced a creative brand of amateur aeronautics. People really should have known better. I was known as Commodore Vic Twenty. I was never in the Navy and commodores don't typically have much to do with planes anyway. And c'mon, Commodore Vic Twenty? Seriously? If a contract I was bidding on went to arbitration, the referee would address me as The Commodore. I mean, weren't these people around during the early 80's? Oh, and allow me to introduce Ensign Qbert. Our commanding officer is the intrepid Rear Admiral "Pitfall" Harry.

All right, so the feds did wise up eventually. I can't flash a Rolex and a Jaguar and say, "Scoreboard," anymore. But I can't complain; there's no way the illegal arms trade should have been this good for this long anyway. The Commodore may have to spend a few years sloshing around in the gutter, but that's OK. I have some very good friends in South America. And I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be interested in accommodating my gluten-free diet in the federal penitentiary.

Seed words: gutter, scoreboard, deplete, bide, mountebank, pardonable, arbitration, commodore, aeronautics, gluten

Once again, these words were generated by the random-word generator on coyotecult.com.

New Business Model

2009-03-28T10:03:00.006-04:00

A phone rang and Carly convulsed awake as if a hand had touched her shoulder from the back seat. She squinted and saw a BlackBerry chirping and buzzing on the console. She had lost her contact lenses. She was sitting in the passenger seat of a parked car on a deserted street she did not recognize. This was clearly a moment of reckoning.

The previous evening had been a mildly entertaining mix of clumsy, besotted frat boys. She found the whole affair refreshing compared to the normally staid assemblage of tight-assed, executive stiffs that were the norm for her. The climate of deregulation had been great for their business, which meant business had been good for her as well. But now her regulars had run afoul of their own clever schemes. Apparently everyone had to re-evaluate their business model in this economy. So she had abandoned the Gold Coast and arrived on the Greek scene in Evanston.

Thursday night at the Lambda Chi house had been quite lucrative. Free of the stress of the classes they hadn't dropped, the boys were free with their text-book refunds. She was about to call it a night when a couple pledges approached her. They only had twenty bucks between them, but all they wanted was to watch her suck on a jawbreaker for three or four minutes. She followed them to the kitchen and that was all she remembered.

She fumbled for her purse as a figure approached through the morning drizzle.

Seed words: afoul, arrive, rang, besotted, jawbreaker, deregulation, entertaining, reckoning, staid, stress

These words were generated on coyotecult.com.

Portrait of Bobby Sherman

2009-03-20T20:19:00.003-04:00

Bobby Sherman sings Gordon Lightfoot? I'm sure that jackass's cover of "Wherefore and Why" seemed like a good idea back in nineteen-seventy-whatever-the-hell, but it sounds like a gahddam abnormality today. I'd rather pour a beaker of hydrochloric acid in my lap, but that might wreck the upholstery. I'm sure he was a fine enough chap, but for the love of God, can we please stop doing this to womankind? Well, idiotadolescentgirl kind, anyway. Trotting out vapid California pinheads and giving them a crash course in sensitivity and populist poetics? Shameful. Still, I've gotta admit, some of those young boys were so pretty back in the day, they even called out to me from the cover of Tiger Beat. But that doesn't mean I was gay. Lots of straight guys couldn't tell Bobby Sherman's flared ass from a honey-dew melon if you showed them the pictures real fast. If I could find the receipt for my childhood, I might just take it back and see if I could exchange it for a copy of Bobby Sherman's K-tel blockbuster "Portrait of Bobby Sherman." But that would mean I'd have to track down my childhood's original buyer, and I haven't spoken to that bitch in years. Seriously though, Bobby Sherman pointed the way to the future we are now so richly enjoying. A true visionary douche-bag. Thanks Bobby.

Seed words: wherefore, beaker, abnormality, chap, receipt, buyer, womankind, crash course, tiger, pointed

This one goes out to JoFu, but the words were generated on coyotecult.com because hes' too "busy" to think up 10 words.

Conceptual Physics

2009-03-19T16:59:00.002-04:00

Ray focused on each polysyllable that tumbled from the mouth of his professor. His boyhood dream was to be a physicist, but now as he took off his glasses to follow the PowerPoint slides on the overhead, and then put them back on again to jot down some sketchy notes, he wondered if investing in that winery in Santz Cruz with his asshole brother-in-law might not have been such a bad idea after all. A 52 year old man looks distinguished on the cover of Wine Spectator; he looks a damn fool sitting in the sixth row in "Conceptual Physics: The Basic Science."

Not that he didn't find the notion that dynamic viscosity determines the dynamics of an incomprehensible Newtonian fluid riveting... or did she say "incompressible?" Whatever. His fitful attention to the lecture was officially in the "off" position. His alter ego, Dr. Raymond Savage, on his way to study the seismic activity of a recently identified volcano in the Sierra Nevadas, was now climbing his Beechcraft Staggerwing to a comfortable cruising altitude. Suddenly the altimeter began winding down rapidly. As the tiny plane hurtled toward certain annihilation, Dr. Savage had the wisdom to bail out. He parachuted down gently amongst a tribe of peaceful natives. He earned their admiration by singing moving a cappella versions of American rhythm-and-blues classics. He was offered the hand of their virgin princess and became their king.

"Ray, are you with us?" Ray snapped out of it and stared blankly at his professor. He looked around the room and wondered if he could get any of these kids interested in a house-painting business.

Seed words: polysyllable, viscosity, winery, physicist, altimeter, wisdom, fitful, rhythm and blues, alter ego, painting

These words were generated on coyotecult.com.

30-Year Refund

2009-03-16T23:06:00.004-04:00

"I don't think those are returnable," Mark cautioned as his wife finished off an Arizona Iced Tea and went to chuck the can in with the pop bottles.

"Yes they are," Karen retorted without looking at him. "It's a new program. It runs concurrent with the regular bottle bill."

"Seriously? That's what you're going with? A mythical addendum to the bottle bill? You've really circled the bullshit wagons with that one, Karen."

"Well, look who mainlined some more highly-concentrated liquid cruelty this afternoon. You really don't need it Mark; your heart pumps plenty of it naturally."

"But it's no match for the little curlicues of stupidity seeping out of your brain. Oh sure, you might think she just came from the hairdresser..."

"I have to believe you have an ulterior life in which you aren't a complete and utter jackass."

"Yes, and in that world I haven't unlearned all reason and logic in order to follow your many derailed trains of thought."

"You? The man who had the wisdom to drain his 401k to invest in 'ponzi.com?' You, of all people, have had only the most casual of flirtations with reason."

"Clearly. How else would I end up married to you and your incessant quest for the world championship of ball-breaking? Don't walk away from me! Where are you going?"

"To find our marriage license. I'm just praying to God that it has a thirty-year cancellation and refund policy hidden in the fine print."

Seed words: returnable, concurrent, circled, mainline, curlicue, ulterior, unlearned, flirtation, incessant, cancellation

These words were generated using the random-word generator found at coyotecult.com.

The World of Milk

2009-03-14T23:59:00.000-04:00

Darby gave his chocolate-chip cookie a dunk and wondered what it would be like to dive into his glass and explore the World of Milk. He could look at his world through a glass of water, but sure as February becomes March he couldn't see into the World of Milk. Of course, he couldn't see into a pumpkin either, but when Cinderella climbed into one it took her to the ball to meet Prince Charming. Now, Darby certainly didn't want to go to some corny dance, so he got himself a ticket on the Vitamin D Express.

In the World of Milk, when he breathed, milk never went up his nose, and it didn't come out it when he laughed. It seemed as though brackets held the butterscotch moon in the dark-chocolate sky, but really it's like a basketball floating in Hershey syrup. Darby leaped through hoops and gardens to catch a big chocolate bunny -- but he didn't eat it. That's just not done. He let it go and then he sank until he came to rest in the Cookie Crumb Wasteland.

Darby thought he could just make out the remains of the Shamrock Shipwreck when his mother told him to get his eyeballs out of the milk carton and shut the refrigerator door. It was madness she said, but he saluted King Don, the ding-dong dictator of the World of Milk and pledged to return after his family had gone to bed.

Seed words: basketball, March, madness, big, dance, Cinderella, ticket, hoops, brackets, dunk

These words were provided by M. Stillwago, in honor of the NCAA basketball tournament.

A Peculiar Fungus

2009-03-13T21:25:00.003-04:00

Worry was Carol's hobby. Some people play ping pong or go on trips to visit the graves of dead historical figures. But Carol woke up every morning and began constructing mountains out of mole hills.

Today, she had to call in sick from work because she had noticed a peculiar fungus growing on the leaves of the little crabapple tree in front of her building. The original owners had planted a lovely garden in the tiny street-side plot, but now the place was owned by some British property management company that was letting it go to seed. And no one seemed to care.

She spent the morning at the library thumbing through too many horticultural guides, until she came across something called "Frogeye Leaf Spot." The little postules actually did look like frog's eyes. It was a colorful sort of fungus consisting of small, roundish brown spots with purple borders. She read that black pimple-like fungal-fruiting bodies may develop inside the lesions. That sounded ghastly to Carol and she despaired that the spaliated pear tree along the south side of the building might also be in danger.

She read in the University of Wisconsin Extension Service journal that the most effective control for Frogeye Leaf Spot is avoidance. That made sense to her. It worked for lots of things. Love and romance were sort of like Frogeye Leaf Spot. And despite her best friend's wishes, she had no interest in putting the "fun" in fungal-fruiting bodies.

Seed words: hobby, work, fun, colorful, many, trips, wishes, love, friends, original

These words were provided by Bishtar. (OK, it was my mom.)

2nd Most Successful Mammal

2009-03-10T16:24:00.000-04:00

Jimmy had the blues. He felt as though he had settled to the bottom of life's handbag and been forgotten. He read somewhere that mice are the second most successful mammals living today, after humans. Great. That was like saying that werewolves are the second most successful mythical creatures after vampires. Beautiful young girls pack the cinema to see movies about vampires. But no editor was clamoring for a steamy chick-lit series about werewolves. He felt like his success as a mammal must come in somewhere below the Lesser Stick Nest rat, which had passed into extinction in Australia in 1933.

But instead of running away to join a kibbutz, or some crazy caravan retracing the old Silk Road routes, he decided to nut up and feel good about himself. So he grabbed his flashlight and climbed up to peer into the corners of his attic looking for hope. Granted, it was hard to see anything up there, what with all the baggage and back issues he had stashed. But there must be something. It turned out there was. Wrapped in a handkerchief, he found a blue ribbon from his state solo and ensemble high school band competition. He and three other guys had placed first with their saxophone quartet. Ha! Not second... first.

While this search was a bit like picking apples in an orange grove, Jimmy pinned the ribbon to his shirt with pride. Eat that, humans and vampires!

Seed words: mice, vampire, caravan, handkerchief, handbag, apple, editor, nut, flashlight, cinema

These words were generated using the random word generator found on infinn.com.

This is a Red Flag

2009-03-08T15:05:00.001-04:00

The streetlight is out in front of our house again. I'm concerned because twelve tires have been slashed on our street in the past two months. And I found a bunch of Fruit Stripe gum wrappers in the front yard a couple days ago. This is a red flag to me. It's like if I found a "serviette" in the front yard. I'd have nightmares of a Canadian crouching in my bushes with a sack of crullers, politely wiping his mouth and preparing to pounce on my unsuspecting steel-belted radials. My wife thinks I'm nuttier than the Queen of the Pecan Festival, but it's my job to protect the family.

I also saw a guy with a thick handle-bar moustache walking slowly up our street last week. He looked like the type of guy you might see playing the recorder in a gypsy caravan, if you catch my meaning. Definitely not from around here. He was carrying a leash, but I didn't see a dog anywhere. And he was carrying an old Underwood Five typewriter, but he didn't look like a cub reporter. The whole thing was sort of like a kangaroo with a calculator -- it didn't quite add up.

I just don't want to get caught napping, like when the Avro Canada C102 was beaten into the air by only 13 days by the de Havilland Comet, thereby becoming the second jetliner in the world. I bet Avro Canada didn't see that coming.

Seed words: queen, streetlight, serviette, wrapper, kangaroo, typewriter, jetliner, flag, moustache, recorder

These words were generated using the random-word generator found on brainstorming.co.uk.

One More Run At It

2009-03-07T19:48:00.003-05:00

Gene watched as the fat kid hit the tackling dummy again. Actually, it looked more like the dummy hit the kid. "I like this boy's attitude," Gene said to the head coach. "He picks himself up and composes himself for one more run at it." The coach remarked that he had never seen anything "so completely, fundamentally unsound" in his life.

"What's your name?" Gene called out to the kid, who was rounding the track for his last after-practice lap. "Eddie Hodgkins," the kid gasped as he collapsed in a heap on the infield.

"Can I interest you in something that more appropriately marries your determination and your capabilities?"

"I'm a football player, sir," puffed Eddie. "Hodgkins men have been knocking the stuffing out of quarterbacks since fish learned to swim."

"Son, you wouldn't have any less chance of catching a quarterback if you had a wooden leg. Whadaya say you come out for Quiz Bowl?"

"With all due respect, my daddy'd sooner be flushing one of his big, steamy turds down your Quiz Bowl, sir."

"C'mon, your daddy'd be proud."

"My daddy was driving tanks in Desert Storm when my momma was carryin' me. He was All County here in '85 -- Fast Eddie Hodgkins? I'm a football player, sir."

"Eddie, I need you son. There's a good chance that I won't be around next year and I'd really like to knock the stuffing out of those sonsabitches from East End while I still got a chance."

Seed words: tackling, fundamentally, rounding, composes, marries, stuffing, swim, tanks, flushing, leg

These words were generated using the random-word generator found on zokutu.co.uk.

Baby Talk

2009-03-06T13:04:00.002-05:00

Susan was childless because she couldn't stand baby talk. She loved children, but the moronic way adults talk to them gave her pause. For years, she'd watched her girlfriends breeding like shad, these little herring-like fish she'd seen on the Discovery Channel that migrate from salt water to fresh water in order to spawn, only to end up as food for other fish. She yearned to conceive a child, to abandon herself to the musky cocktail of estrogen and testosterone that would eventually fill her with joy. But if so much as a warning shot was fired across her bowsprit, she was paralyzed by the echoes of "kootchy-kootchy-coo" careening around her memory. She had her pride.

Now she sat fingering the gift certificate. The only thing this was to certify was that Rob had intentions. She couldn't very well refuse his present -- he was sitting right there. And he'd ordered after-dinner liqueurs. Really? Grand Marnier and a chocolate souffle to share? Clear intentions. He reached across the table for her hand, and she let him. He studied her face as if trying to know her in a way that she'd never been known. She looked away when she overheard a woman on a cell phone obviously talking to a child. "Howza bebe? Izums tie-uhd? Aw, poor widda shugah bum." The familiar bristle creeped up the back of her neck.

But a smile broke across her face as she looked back at Rob. And the oral contraceptives in her medicine cabinet suddenly seemed poisonous.

Seed words: baby talk, liqueur, studied, gift certificate, bowsprit, pause, shad, testosterone, certify, poisonous

These words were generated using the random-word generator found on coyotecult.com.

Talented

2009-03-05T18:56:00.003-05:00

You don't have to be talented to shoplift, but you do need to have balls. A couple friends and I got started back in junior high, hitting Perkins Apothecary regularly. We'd cut through the store on our way home from school and crotch a Watchamacallit or $100,000 Bar as we passed by the candy racks. I wouldn't say I progressed from there, as much as I regressed to a toddler mentality in which everything was mine for the taking. As the targets got more challenging our approach developed a metrical precision. There was a rhythm to creating a diversion while the other guy shoved a couple bottles of pop into his gym bag. But I quit and took up smoking when I turned 18.

I wasn't proud that my son was taking after his old man, but I had forfeited my right to judge back in the alley amidst the trash cans with my plunder. I walked in on the little bugger enjoying a feast of jumbo Snickers and a king-size Kit Kat. I stared him down under the sterile florescent hallway light and forced him to delineate his crimes. I was shocked at how he had independently assimilated a quite thorough mastery of the quick hit.

I was not capable of protecting the boy from his baser instincts. I suppose as a result of my failure to discipline him, I had reauthorized my own inner miscreant.

Seed words: talented, regress, metrical, delineate, reauthorize, feast, forfeited, amidst, protecting, independently

These words were generated using the random-word generator on watchout4snakes.com.

The Dancing Made Him Sad

2009-03-04T21:29:00.001-05:00

Pancakes was making his usual rounds of the parks, watching summer turn to fall. His mother had given him his name not believing that he would survive. He was eight weeks premature and she thought his eyes looked "just as big as pancakes" when she first laid eyes on him. He paused to watch some boys playing football (the kind you actually play with your feet). He allowed himself a lugubrious moment, imagining the childhood he never had.

He sipped his coffee and listened to his head pound. Too many ales the previous evening. The opening band had been a bit odd. The White Russians -- two Belgian guys, one on drums and the other on guitar, wearing red leather trousers and wife-beaters. They seemed to be missing the point. Or were they? It may not have been art, but it certainly wasn't literature.

Music helped him survive; his body drew power from its energy. Listening to wild, angry boys playing guitar was like weight-lifting to him. He could feel the sinews of his muscles tingle with each power chord. But the dancing made him sad; he could only move that way in his head. Staying motivated was important. By keeping active he could almost will the blood to travel through his veins.

Seed words: pancakes, summer, fall, football, coffee, ale, White Russians, art & literature, wild angry boys, weight-lifting, dancing, staying motivated, keeping active

and now for something completely different...

2009-03-04T20:44:00.001-05:00

If you've read this blog before and you're expecting to find my deep thoughts about CD jukeboxes and digital media... fear not! Those deep thoughts continue to flow on my company Web site, encosystems.net. We've got a slick new WordPress blog there called The Industry Insider featuring even more and deeper thoughts about the jukebox marketplace. Go there.

As for this space, I'm taking it in a new direction. Since my first love, and my only real talent, is writing -- I'm going to write. I'm going to offer up some original short fiction of less than 250 words that incorporates approximately 10 randomly generated words. Today's other post, "The Dancing Made Him Sad," is an example of the form. I got that list of words from some random chicks' list on Myspace of the things she likes. Feel free to leave a comment with 10 or so words you'd like to see incorporated into a vignette. I will send you some words if you want to try it out too.

I guarantee this will get interesting...