Invasion of The B Movies

The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match: #1

2009-12-07T17:10:00.005-05:00

WELCOME!! To YET ANOTHER new fuckin' feature (I stopped doing the Question thing due to lack of responses) and I think this feature is gonna kick ass...literally!!

I stole this idea from a few places, one of which is a podcast I listen to. Since I'm stealing their idea, you should give them listen. They are "Outside The Cinema" and they are really great movie guys who are funny and wise and stuff. Check it out, yo!

With that out of the way, here is the plot/premise.

Each week (on Monday) TWO people will square off by naming the worst movie they can recall watching and WHY they find it bad. They don't have to write super long reviews or anything. Just some short that tells us why. Then I throw up a poll and YOU vote on who you think is either:
A-Right
B-or if you haven't seen one, or either, of the movies, who YOU think made the best argument. Either way, you DO NOT HAVE AN EXCUSE TO VOTE THIS MONDAY MONDAY MONDAY!! The voting lasts till Friday, when a winner is announced. Then THAT winner gets to go again and square off with a new person. SO I'LL CONTINUALLY NEED VOLUNTEERS FOR THIS! If you want to square off in the future, send me an email.

So that's it. Here's the matchup for tonight!

IN THIS CORNER!!! We have LAMB Master himself Dylan AKA FLETCH!!! He not only runs the LAMB, he's in charge of the LAMBcast, and runs his own blog Blog Cabins. Check all that shit out, but after you read what he has to say about this pick:

THE HAPPENING
"I feel like I'm at a disadvantage here. This is, after all, a site dedicated to B movies, a genre (designation? status?) I'm neither all that knowledgable in nor all that much of a fan of (though I do loves me some Basket Case and The Room and crappy Sci-Fi - er, sorry, SyFy channel movies...maybe I'm a bigger B movie fan than I'm willing to admit). Anyway, I'm sure there are some turrible, turrible movies like Mega Whale vs. Giant Shrimp or whatever that I just haven't seen or possibly even heard of. And choosing The Room is just way too easy - it's the Citizen Kane of bad movies, after all, and it's been covered enough by people like me and Jason already. It would feel like cheating for me to select that one. So I'm going with a more mainstream film.

Of course, my selection also happens to be a layup, but at least it's a layup that everyone can agree on. It's none other than Shamalama-man's "The Happening", a movie that tried to answer the question "What if someone attempted to make a low-budget apocalypse movie?" How else to explain the somewhat ingenious plan that required ZERO special effects to show all of the "destruction?" The deadly killer, the one that knocks off millions of people and causes global panic...it's in the air, man! It's, like, invisible. Perhaps for Night's next flick, all of the characters will be invisible, too, and maybe the sets as well - imagine the savings!

Of course, the cheesy "killer" and lack of anything visually interesting onscreen isn't the only thing that makes Happening an awful film. Nay, it has terrible acting up the yin-yang (Marky Mark talks to fake plants!), a serious case of taking itself too seriously, batshit crazy old women, horrible child actors, a complete and total lack of suspense - you name it. The only thing missing? A self-indulgent cameo by M. Night himself. Oh well, I guess we'll have to wait for It's Happening Again (in Paris)."

OOH, I have heard that was awful. But let's see what his opponent has to say.

AND IN THIS CORNER: Rachel from Rachel's Reel Reviews! Recently gave birth, she's been away from blogging but now she's back in full force! A fellow MST3K fan, she writes neat short reviews that somehow manages to not spoil the ending. I could learn a thing or two from her. And her pick is:

ERASERHEAD:
I’ve come to accept that David Lynch is a bit off. I haven’t watched too many of his films, but what I have seen, I didn't understand, walked away confused, and chalked it up to Lynch's serious need for intense psychotherapy. So it’s not that I hate Eraserhead because it makes little to no sense (though that is a reason to simply dislike it): I hate it because it’s not the least bit scary, and yet many film enthusiasts believe it’s one of the most terrifying films ever made. And yet I find it nothing more than a jumble of pretentious, surrealist garbage. Whatever Mr. Lynch’s initial intent with Eraserhead was, the critics have since bestowed upon it such a devoted cult following that one can’t help but be curious enough to check it out, only to be trapped in 90 minutes of bizarre boredom, waiting desperately to be scared.

Wow. I only seen Eraserhead once and I was just confused. Anyway, this is gonna be good.

So now what you fine people need to do is read CAREFULLY the above arguments from each person and based on that, and your personal feelings, vote for which one is THE WORST! For those of you reading this on Facebook, click on VIEW ORIGINAL POST and answer in the poll. Choices said in the comments WILL NOT COUNT. Poll closes Friday morning, so get to votin'!

(I suppose both Fletch and Rachel can vote for themselves. Who's to know anyway, huh?)

Again, I want everyone reading this to be involved at least once, so if you wanna take on next week's winner, email me saying so!

Thanks and good luck!
-Jason

The Horrible Tragic Life of Dr. Feet: Chapter Three

2009-12-05T15:31:00.002-05:00

I quickly dialed Adam's number. I looked at the clock. Only an hour has passed. If he started the movie after getting off the phone with me, it should be almost over. I hope he's still sane enough to answer the phone. After the 15th ring, I gave up and feared the worse.

"Rick Springfield, we have to go to L.A."
"It's Rickard. Agent Springfield, rather. Do you know where in L.A your friend lives?"
"Yeah, I visited him once. I still remember how to get there."
"Then we don't have time to waste."

I followed Rick outside and he was in a rented black car. I'm not good with makes and models of cars. It had four doors, was black, and looked brand new. I got in the passenger side and Rick quickly started the car and rushed to the airport, which was only 15 minutes from my house.

I guess with all the bailouts going on, the goverment couldn't afford private planes, so we had to buy two tickets directly to L.A. The plane was set to leave in 15 minutes. The advantage of having a F.B.I agent with you in an airport is you can bypass all the security. We got to the gate in record time.

We found our seats and I asked Rick if he had a case file on these deaths and any information on the movie, like the plot or the stars. Normally most b-movie actors tend to work with the same director cause they're the only ones giving them work. Rick handed me a file folder and when the plane was in the air, I opened it up.

"The Horrible Tragic Life of Dr. Feet" was an independant film by "first time director T. Thomas F. Coltrane", most likely a fake name. Not much is known about the plot since the only people who seen it ended up dead. According to it's Wikipedia page (obviously written by Mr. Coltrane) it tells the sad story of Doctor Iggy Feet, a doctor in Canada during the early 1900's. He fell in love with a patient, named Darla Candyapple but he finds out she's gonna die in two weeks. Realizing this, Dr. Feet spends his life finding a cure to Darla's disease, which is rare.

That just sounds boring but not bad. I wonder when the bad stuff starts. Then I read how it ends. Holy shit.

SPOILER ALERT!

Dr. Feet takes Darla's dead body and drags it into his basement. He hooks her up to this machine that he's been tinkering with during intervals of the movie and tries to reanimate her corpse. This goes horribly wrong and Dr. Feet ends up electrocuting himself. The spirit of Dr. Feet end up in the body of Darla, who now wakes up. Dr. Feet, now in the body of a woman, lives the rest of Darla's natural life.

The hell?

I don't know if that would make me wanna kill myself but it does sound stupid. Whatever drugs this T. Thomas F. Coltrane is smoking, it should be illegal. Apparently I been going over this case file for 4 hours cause next thing I know we're over California. I closed the case file, realizing that was only the first 45 minutes of the movie. We land in LAX and Rick rents a car.

I navigate Rick through L.A until we hit a certain part of L.A that Adam lives in. After trying to read some of the billboards which are in some other language, we find Adam's place. I jump out of the car and run up to Adam's door, which swings open.

"Fuck", I say. "Adam? You home? Alive?"

I start to step in when I feel Rick push me back. He has his gun out.

"F.B.I! Come on out!"

There is no answer anywhere. Rick steps into Adam's apartment and I follow. I look around. In the living room the TV is on and showing a black screen. The DVD player is on and playing the black screen on a loop. I go to the DVD player and press eject. The DVD pops out and I look at the DVD. Handwritten on the front are the words "The Horrible Tragic Life of Dr. Feet". I take the DVD and find the case, which just has a piece of tape on it with the title written on it and nothing else. No pictures, no description, no star rating. Not even a fractured statement from some made up movie critic.

"This movie....good....best....yourself!"-Dave Guy

Rick comes back into the living room, putting his gun into his holster.

"You need to see this," Rick says to me. I put the DVD into the pocket of my hoodie. Which reminds me, now that I'm in L.A I'm fucking burning up. I take the hoodie off and walk into Adam's bedroom with Rick. Rick takes me to Adam's computer and shows me what's on the screen.

"Has Adam ever visited you in Indianapolis?" Rick asked me.
"No, he kinda hates Indy. Didn't even want me to move there."

I look at the screen and notice that he has my address typed into Google Maps and what is possibly the worst set of directions to get to my house from the airport. Who the hell writes these things?

"It looks like he's after you," Rick says.

The Horrible Tragic Life of Dr. Feet: Chapter Two

2009-12-04T16:34:00.001-05:00

"What?" I asked, not sure if I heard him right. Watching "I Was A Teenage Zombie" can do that to a fella.
"Can I come in, please? I promise I will explain."

Not finding a reason not to, I stepped aside and let the man on through. He looked around my apartment like he was trying to find something nice to say but he clearly thought I lived in a shit hole. Fuck him, I love my apartment.

"Sir-" Rick Springfield started to say.
"Call me Jason. I'm not in the army."
"Sir, am I correct in assuming you are the maintainer of a website called-" Rick paused, pulled out a notepad and thumbed it open. "Invasion of the B Movies?"
"Yeah. Why? Did someone complain about the images? It's just boobs."
"No. I'm going to need your help on a matter that is very important. What I am saying, Mr. Soto, is the United States of America needs your knowledge of bad movies to help save some lives."
"W-w-w-hat? Wait. Did Bill put you up to this? That fucker." I turned away and headed for my phone.
"I assure you I am serious. There has been a series of unexplainable deaths and they all center around one movie. I need to know if you know anything about it or if you are familar with the director."
"Man, Bill must really be pissed at me for all the pranks I pulled on him." I started dialing Bill's number.
"Do you know a director named T. Thomas F. Coltrane?", Rick Springfield (How could I have not realized this was a prank sooner) said, still reading from his notepad.
"No, I don't." Bill's phone was ringing. "How much did he pay you? He must've really saved up. Nice suit by the way."
"How about a movie titled 'The Horrible Tragic Life of Dr. Feet'?"
I paused.
"Hello?" Bill answered.
I hung up the phone.
"What did you say?" I said slowly, not believing this.
"The Horrible Tragic Life of Dr. Feet. Heard of it?" Rick asked, closing his notepad.
"Not until earlier today. What does that movie have to do with anything?"
"What I'm about to tell you is strictly confidental. Three people have died mysteriously in the past two weeks. When their bodies were found, a copy of this Dr. Feet movie was in their DVD player. It would appear that the cause of death was suicide."
"So people are watching a movie, and when it's over...they kill themselves?"
"The first two people did. The third was a bit unusual. She finished the movie, then grabbed the nearest weapon and killed everyone in her household, then herself. I need to find the director of this movie because he is causing people to hurt themselves and others with his bad movie."

I sat down on my couch. I'm pale in most parts of my body but right now my face was joining various body parts. I looked up at Rick.

"I don't know who the director is. But I know where a copy of the movie is now."

Chapter One of "The Horrible Tragic Life of Dr. Feet"

2009-12-03T22:38:00.002-05:00

This was the novel I was writing for NaNoWriMo. Majority of the people involved were based on my friends, but with their last name removed. I probably will continue on this later cause it was a lot of fun to write. Anyway, without further adieu:

Chapter One

"Fuck", I said as the ending credits were rolling. I couldn't believe what I just watched. And the worse part is I have to somehow describe the entire movie AND make it funny. I don't know which part of that equation is worse.

I turned the DVD off and sat at my computer. I opened up my WordPad and stared at the cursor, just flashing on and off, as if it was taunting me. "What you got to say, Bad Movie Guy?" I then typed in "Fuck you". That shut it up.

Finally, I thought of an opening paragraph when the phone rang. I grabbed the phone, thinking it was another wrong number or someone looking for "Jason Sado". No matter how many times I tell them, Jason "Sado" does not live here. There's probably some poor guy with that name getting phone calls for Jason "Soto" and he's equally frustrated.

Looking at the caller ID I saw it was my friend Adam. I answered it.

"Hello?"
"Hey, what's up?" Adam replied.
"Not much, just trying to type up this review."
"Oh, sorry to interrupt. Which movie?"
"I Was A Teenage Zombie."
"Never seen it. Is it good?"
"Um...." I struggled with the words to describe this damn movie over the phone. This is gonna be a long night. "No."
"That sucks. Anyway, I just called to tell you that I got your package. Thanks."

I paused and thought. Did I send a package? Not recently. Maybe I sent one a few months ago but it's just now getting there. Adam's birthday was a few months ago. Damn, the post office is really pissed about emails. I don't recall what I sent.

"Oh hey, no problem, dude. Happy...birthday?"
"Uh, it was a few months ago. But thanks?"
"You're welcome?"
"Are we gonna stop ending things with question marks?"
"I don't know?"
"Should I kill you now or later?"
"Later would be fine. Just a quick question, what did I send you?"
"This movie. It looks like a bootleg or something. It just came in a plain black case and written in marker it says 'The Horrible Tragic Life of Dr. Feet'. I'm guessing this is some movie you came across and you sent it to me."

Ok, now I really have no idea what he was talking about. I never heard of that movie in my life. But whatever. Adam was happy and he thinks I sent it, so I'll gladly take the credit.

"Oh yeah. I, uh, haven't seen it yet, though. Let me know how it is."
"Will do. I'll let you get back to your review. Can't wait to read it. Later."
"Bye," I said, then hung up the phone. Oh well, that was weird. I put the phone back on the charger and sat back down at my computer. The words "Fuck you" were staring back at me. My WordPad hates me apparently.

I start writing the review.

About an hour later, I was halfway through when I stopped to take an A.D.D break. Even though I was never offically classified as having it, I seem to have A.D.D because I can't even focus my mind on anything for longer than 30 minutes. So I saved my work and went on Facebook and tried to fight my way through ten thousand messages of my friends finding cows on their farms or causes I should join (cause joining these causes will sure save the world.) or top five hair metal bands I should like or go fuck myself.

I was so engrossed with Facebook that I didn't hear the knocking on the door. I finally wondered what that noise was and got up to investigate. I looked in the peephole and saw standing outside my door a weirdly shaped guy with a super round face and big black eyes. After realizing this was because of the peephole I opened my door a crack.

"Yes?" I asked, politely.
"Are you Jason Soto?" the man asked in return. I can now see he was about six feet tall, wore a black suit, dark sunglasses, and had light brown hair, cut short. He looks serious and offical. I knew I should've paid my Netflix on time.
"Maybe. Who are you?"
The man pulled out a wallet and flashed the contents to me. It was a badge and a picture of the man with the words Federal Bureau of Investigation on it. "I am Special Agent Rickard Springfield."
"You're name is Rick Springfield?"
"No. Rickard. Can I come in please?"
"What is this about?"
"Sir, I'm afraid it's about...bad movies."

Chapter Two coming tomorrow.
-Jason

To the Left, To The Left

2009-12-03T15:52:00.001-05:00

What's so facinating over on the left that Smurfette, Some Chick, and Tim Roth is looking at?
-Jason

LAMBcast #6

2009-12-01T22:14:00.002-05:00

I did another LAMBcast with Fletch and Tom Clift. In this one we talked about Roland Emmerich and all of his movies, including 2012, which was tricky for me cause I haven't seen it yet.

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Out of all the episodes I've done, this is probably my favorite. I didn't sound like a fuckin' moron and I kinda knew what I was talking about this time. Plus I won the "Last Man Standing" thing cause of my extensive John Cusack knowledge. Maybe it's cause I started drinking prior to recording. I dunno. Anyway, I hope you enjoy.
-Jason

Winner/Answers to The Great Invasion of the B Movies Scavanger Hunt!/Other Crap

2009-12-01T16:53:00.006-05:00

Well it's offically December. The year is just about over. 2009, for me, was ok. Had a lot of bad things but I guess some good things too. But I'll reflect on that later. For now, the Scavanger Hunt is over and there is a winner, even though not a lot of people participated, and some people that said they would participate didn't. Thankfully, I don't hold grudges. My twin brother on the other hand...

Anyway, here was the Questions on The Hunt and the answers:
1. Tell me the address of the house that was used as the outside of Nancy's house in "A Nightmare on Elm Street". (The original). (5 points)
1428 N. Genesee Avenue in Los Angeles. My friends Adam and Devon took us to this place. It was neat seeing it in person.

2. Name 10 episodes of/movies used on "Mystery Science Theater 3000". (2 points each)
http://www.mst3kinfo.com/mstfaq/episodes.html

3. I'll describe the plots of some movies I reviewed on The Site, you tell me the names of them (5 points each)
-Mama's boy meets a girl but has to deal with his undead Mom.-Dead Alive
-Weirdo photographer is probably not really a killer.-Murder Set Pieces
-Indian protects hippies-Billy Jack
-Two annoying women with a video camera run around in Japan.-Monster (2008)
-A husband catches his wife cheating so he goes on a killing spree.-Las Vegas Blood Bath
-Nice guy is turned into a giant turkey-Blood Freak

4. Give me the URL of the third Mass Invasion (10 points)-www.invasionofthebmovies.com/santaclaus.html

5. How many REGULAR movie reviews have I done? (NOT INCLUDING: Guest reviews, shorts, or Mass Invasions) (One point each for each regular review I've done)-
120.

6. In the very first "Fight For #1", what movie ended up being #1? (20 points)-Marley and Me

7. Name the movie that won Worst Picture Razzie for 1987. (25 points)-Leonard Part 6

8. Describe what happened in the ORIGINAL script for "Back to the Future". (50 points)-Ok, you guys ready? Marty and "Professor Brown" are video bootleggers, working in an old theater. Prof Brown invents a regular time machine that works with nuclear power. Marty accidently powers it with Coca-Cola and is sent back to 1955. There, it follows more or less the story you know, minus the picture of him and his brother and sister vanishing. But instead of the whole using the lighting strike to repower the machine, Marty and Prof Brown has to sneak the time machine, powered with Coke, to a atomic bomb testing ground. Marty does so and is sent back to the future via a refridgerator (If this version was filmed, maybe people would shut up about that scene in "Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls"). Prof Brown learns the secret of Coke and becomes a world famous inventor, inventing all kinds of things that run on Coke. But it turns out Rock n Roll was never invented and this new 1985 looks like the kind of 1985 a guy in the 1950's would dream of. Tis a crazy script which you can read for yourself here.

9. One celebrity wrote (or "tweeted") something back to me on Twitter. Who was that celebrity? (140 points)-Mary Lynn Rajskub, aka Chloe from "24" and now Gail the Snail on "It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia". I said to her it must've been hard to ugly up for that role and she said something about it not being easy. Only celebrity to acknowledge my existance.

10. What award was Invasion of the B-Movies nominated twice and won once for? (10 points, 5 points for naming the category it won)-A Lammy for Best Theme

11. I famously went to a certain website and downloaded an infamous short film. Name that short film. (30 points)-If you are easily offended, skip this next part: Gayniggers From Outer Space

12. First movie I gave 5 stars. (100 points)-Basket Case

13. Name the movies that a movie director sent me, then I ended up reviewing. (25 points each.)-Gothic Girls AKA Good Girls Don't Sleep In Coffins & Fear of Clowns 2

14. Which director did I do an interview with on The Blog? (35 points)-Kevin Kangras

15. Name 10 movies that I own. (100 points each)-Too many to simply name.

16. In the first LAMBcast I did (LAMBcast 3), during the game "Last Man Standing", when I had to name Will Smith movies, what movies did I name? (50 points for each one I named)-I forget now but one of them was "Wild Wild West". And "Fresh Prince: The Movie" don't count.

17. Take the number of "American Pie" movies, add it to the number of "Van Wilder" movies, add that to the number of "Bring It On" movies, and multiply it by the number of "Road Trip" movies and when you send me the correct answer, you will get that many points.-6+3+5 times 2=28. I gave Nohlan some props cause he put there were 7 American Pie movies but the last one was only a working title, which was "American Pie Presents: Bachelor Party 2". But the American Pie people didn't want any part of that, for some reason, so it was dropped and just became offically "Bachelor Party 2".

The following are the tasks I asked to be done.

18. Take a picture of you holding any of the following movies in a store (Store could be anything from Wal-mart, Target, etc. to a flea market, it only counts if you are in the picture and you are doing this in a store.)
-Showgirls (3 points)
-Battlefield Earth (3 points)
-Troll/Troll 2 (5 points)
-Any of The Asylum movies (10 points)

19. A picture of you with your DVD/movie collection (20 points)

20. A picture of you with a B-Movie star (100 points)

21. First person to create a Wikipedia page about "Invasion of the B Movies" gets 1000 points. (To be safe, take a screen grab of said entry)

22. Watch one of the following movies and write a short review.
If you currently run a blog, post review on your blog.
If you do not, attach review with this hunt list.
-The Wicker Man (Nic Cage version)-100 points
-Alien vs Predator (either version)-50 points
-Three Men and a Little Lady-25 points

23. Send the following email to oddtodd.com:
Dear tOdd, I love your site. I found your site thanks to Jason over at Invasion of the B-movies. Well, bye!
(15 points for submitting proof you sent email, 50 points if he posts it in his Random Emails post)

24. Scan or take a picture of the ticket stub of the worst movie you paid money to see in theaters. (30 points)

25. Start a thread on the imdb page for "Swept Away" starring Madonna, declaring it to be the best movie ever and why you love this movie and not in an ironic or cause it's bad. Take screen grab. (75 points)

26. Videotape yourself mimicing the sweet dance moves I came up with in this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3NAB_A_pXAY (2000 points)

27. Show a ticket stub for both or any of these two movies:
-2012 (30 points)
-New Moon: Twlight 2: Electric Boogaloo (100 points)

28. Post a flyer out on the streets promoting Invasion of the B-Movies.com and/or the blog (invasionofthebmovies.blogspot.com). Be creative! (Yes, take a picture or video) (300 points)

29. Call me and say "Hi Jason, this is" (name) "and I want my 900 points. Thank you." (900 points. Email me for my phone number. It's gonna be my cell. If I don't answer, leave it as a message.)

30. Saying you'll do the Scavanger Hunt (50 points)

With that done, here are the scores:

Rachael M. is our winner with 1050 points! She created a wikipedia entry for The Site, but it was taken down yesterday cause the people at Wikipedia are fucking asshole bastards. But whatever. I saw it and it counts. Way to go, Rachael, you get a 25 dollar gift card!

Nohlan from Bargin Bin Reviews comes in a close fuckin' second place with (ready for this) 1045. Since he was SOO close and did the most work out of anybody on this, I'll send him a $15 dollar gift card. He also sent in this really cool picture for #18. I dunno what's up with the Elvis gear but I don't care:

Maria got 95 points.

And tied for fourth is April and Fletch at 50 for saying they'll do it. Kinda ironic.

Any event, this was fun for me even though two people did more than one thing on the list. I probably won't do it again though. So yeah.

Coming up in December:
-Not a whole lot, cause I'm hammering out details for something major coming up in January.
-Yeah, I fuckin' failed on my NaNoPokeMonWri thing. I'll post what I did write later and maybe I'll get the moxie to finish it.
-I will be reviewing here on The Blog the ORIGINAL "The Wicker Man" for Miss Ponder's "Final Girl Film Club". And I will make it a "Compare and Contrast", which means I have to watch the horrible Nic Cage version. Probably the first time I ever seen the remake before the original.
-I'll be taking a look at THREE different movies about the same real life serial killer, with some assistance from my friend Mary, who you are probably familar with now.
-There will be a Mass Invasion coming up the week of Christmas. It should be a good one. Hopefully.
-Typical year end look back stuff. Cue sad music.

Thanks for reading this long ass post.
-Jason

Yahoo! News: Authority On Bad Movies

2009-11-28T09:42:00.002-05:00

As I'm poking around Yahoo! news, my only news source for what's happening in the world, including famous people dying, I saw they ran a piece about "Top 10 Movie Flops of The Decade" (2000-2009). While you can read what THEY had to say by clicking that link, here's what I have to say, as the self-proclaimed "King of the B Movies". (Wonder who will challenge me to that?)

10. The Spirit
I have to admit I liked "The Spirit". I think it was filmed differently and it's got a lot of clevage. Granted, the dialouge was cheesy as hell (I'm gonna kill you all sorts of dead) but isn't this an adaptation of a graphic novel? Wasn't that line used in that novel? Why didn't anyone freak out about it when the novel came out? So I don't understand the PURE hatred of this movie.

9. Grindhouse
This makes me sad this is even on this list. This was probably the most awesome movie idea ever. Although I do know the problem: there aren't enough people in the world like me. If only everyone thought and acted like me...wait nevermind that'd be horrible.

8. Rollerball
Haven't seen it. Nor the original. Honest.

7. The Invasion
I said everything I had to say about the idea of this movie here.

6. Catwoman
I keep forgetting this movie exists. I been meaning to watch it, then something else distracts me and I forget about it. I swear I'll get to it soon.

5. Town & Country
Never heard of it.

4. Gigli
Review can be found here. God, I hate the review I wrote but I really do refuse to watch it again. Sorry, readers.

3. Land of the Lost
Really? I didn't think this did THAT badly. I kinda liked it, even though I didn't understand why Will Ferrell was mean to Choka or whatever. Danny McBride was hilarious though.

2. Battlefield Earth
Review (Mass Invasion actually, one of the times I as the organizer suffered) here but I gotta point out something that was said in the Yahoo! News piece. John Travolta said this movie was gonna be "like Star Wars, only better". See, you jinxed yourself. NOTHING can be better than the ORIGINAL Star Wars. NOTHING.

1. The Adventures of Pluto Nash
Yeah, I avoided this one like the plauge. But this did give me an idea to do a "Bad Eddie Murphy Blog-A-Thon" sometime later. I would ask other people to join in but I'm sure no one else wants to. But we'll see. I got a couple of things on my plate coming up that I wanna get started.

Now for some that I'm surprised didn't make it on the list:
Speaking of Eddie Murphy, you'd think movies like "Norbit" or "Meet Dave" might've done worse. Then I remember that "Norbit" was the #1 movie at some point and I almost cried.

I'm sure the god awful "I Know Who Killded Me" didn't earn ANY of it's money back. All thanks to Lindsey Lohan.

Pretty much any Uwe Boll movie would fit. Man, I could go on but nothing can top that.

Well, this decade is almost up. Kinda scary that in less than two months we'll be in THE FUTURE!!
-Jason

Mary's Review: American Beauty

2009-11-23T20:01:00.002-05:00

WHY AMERICAN BEAUTY CAN SUCK MY NONEXISTANT BALLS
Kevin Spacey needs to be hit

MY FRIEND PAT CALLED IT BEST ON "American Beauty" - I was discussing the film with him and trying to get the words out as to just what made this movie so infuriating. Then he called it. "It's a deep movie for shallow people", he said. He couldn't be more right.

Seriously. Is there anything worse than a film made by a glossy Hollywood union crew that truly believes that it will change the way you look at your life? That's the big sin committed in American Beauty. It's tagline, "Look Closer" is testament to how damn sure this movie is that it will "open your eyes", so to speak.

Kevin Spacey, Anette Bening and Thora Birch play the single most sarcastic family that has ever existed. Since I have a natural aversion to sarcasm, every second, every grating second of this movie irked me. Watching it is like talking to that friend who insists on being sharp in everything they say. If you asked them if they wanted to go to Disney World with you, they would answer, "No, I dont", with a blank grin on their face. Ugh. I hate people like that. And the sarcastic tone goes on, and on, and on...this family is terrible. Kevin Spacey is too smug, Annette Bening tries too hard to be a bitch, and Thora Birch is not appealing in any way, shape, or form, except in the case that you get along with semi-goth girls who hate everyone and everything.

Forget about this family for a minute. There is one character who takes the word "insufferable" and runs with it. That would be the character played by Wes Bently. I don't even remember his name. God dammit, he was the most horrible movie character ever created. The whole sarcasm thing is beat to death with this guy. I guess he's meant to be a sort of wise, young sage or something. His Dad is a Nazi, he sells pot, and he videotapes everything, and walks around with his stupid camera and his stupid skullcap.

This leads me to the famous plastic bag scene. Who wrote this peice of shit? My favourite director, Werner Herzog, has spoken of an "ecstatic truth", which he brings to his films. I believe that this plastic bag scene is an attempt at some ecstatic truth. This attempt fails. It's overexplained, it's got heartstring music in it, and it features Wes Bentley talking about how great plastic bags are. Thora Birch and Wes Bentley sit on the couch together and he tells her, "Sometimes I can't contain the beauty of the world...", as we watch the plastic bag get blown around by the wind. In a good film, the plastic bag would be filmed, but the explaination and flowery language would be gone. There's no need for it. The concept of the plastic bag being a small detail of beauty isn't a bad idea, but it becomes a greeting-card message when all fluffed up like that.

But I digress. This movie sucks. It didn't give me any new insight into my life, or other people's lives. It wanted to, but it tried way too hard. If you want an introspective, horrifying portrayal of an American family, I suggest renting the "homespun murder story", Fargo. And there's no sarcastic assholes in that movie, either.

I hate sarcasm.

-M

(All opinions are those of Mary and Mary alone. Thank you.
-Jason)

Swept Away

2009-11-21T08:31:00.000-05:00

(This was written back in 2004, when Madonna and Guy Ritchie was still married. Now that they're not, this is pretty hilarious. Sorry if this sucks, I was still trying to find my reviewing legs.)

Conversation Madonna and her husband Guy Ritchie might've had prior to the making of "Swept Away":

Madonna: Honey...you are a big time movie director and I'm a wanna-be actress. Remember "Shanghai Surprise"?
Guy Ritchie: Um...
Madonna: Anyway, because you are a big time movie director and a big time movie writer-
Guy: Screenwriter...
Madonna: I'M TALKING BITCH!!! Anyway, sugarpie, I was thinking what if the next movie you make I get to star in it.
Guy: Well, I was thinking of doing another "Snatch/Lock, Stock" type film-
Madonna: NO!!! NO VIOLENCE!!! (Smacks Guy) I want romance!!! People loved me in "Evita" and that was romantic...sort of!!! GIVE ME ROMANCE!!!!!!
Guy: I can't do romance!! I'm a male...and I'm british!!!!
Madonna: Then...steal somebody else's idea and remake a movie where there's romance!! DO IT NOW!!!!!
Guy: Yes my loving wife.

And Guy Ritchie probably spent two months in a cage while Madonna found a copy of the movie "Travolti da un isolito destino nell'azzurro mare d'agosto" or..."Swept Away" from 1974, made him watch it and made him modernize it. Granted, I'm risking being sued by Madonna and/or Guy Ritchie but what other explaination is there, this movie is very disturbing and I highly doubt anything that happened in this remake happened in the original.

Amber (Madonna) and Tony and their other rich friends named Debi, Todd, Michael, and Marina decide to take a yacht from Greece to Italy. Everyone's fine with that except Amber, who acts like a bitch for the first hour of the movie. The victim of her bitchyness? No, not her husband, that'd make sense. Instead it's Guisepeppe, or Peppe, who agreed to work for "The Captain" of this boat to get back to Italy. The crew, for some odd reason, like to call Tony "The Professor" although they never explained why, even Tony's confused by this. Maybe this is what Madonna was calling Guy Ritchie while he was locked in the cage.

Amber is very hard to please. She doesn't like to swim, doesn't like the fish, wants cold, NOT COOL water, is always cold, is always hot, the air's too humid, the air's too chilly, the boat keeps rocking, the sky is too blue, the clouds is too puffy, and other really stupid things. The annoying thing is, the movie took about an hour to show how much of a bitch she is. And poor Peppe is getting abused so bad, the Jews had it better in Egypt (If you can trust "The Ten Commandments"...great I'm gonna get sued by them now.)

20 million bitchy complaints later, Amber finds out most of her friends and husband went off to some caves somewhere and she wants Peppe to take her. He doesn't want to, of course, but she makes him, so they go into a little raft boat thingy and they jet off. Things are going fine until the engine stops.

Amber bitches some more and Peppe says they are stranded until someone picks them up.
Two days later, they find land and Amber threatens to sue Peppe for some reason and a reason might've been said but I was too busy finding something around me to throw at the TV to make Madonna shut the hell up. It turns out the land they found is a deserted island. Not wanting to believe that, Amber says she's gonna search around herself and Peppe is glad to be rid of her.

Now Peppe, he's a good sailor/fisherman. He makes good with what's around him. He also found a little hut that was probably built by Harrison Ford and Anne Heche in "Six Days, Seven Nights". Amber, meanwhile, starves, is dying of thirst, and somehow twisted her ankle. A few days goes by and Amber comes limping back to Peppe.

Then things take a weird, and more annoying, turn. Peppe decides to get back at Amber and says "Ok, you want food and drink, you will be my SLAVE!! WASH MY CLOTHES, BITCH!!!!!" and he gets naked. Seeing the big ass fish he caught, she agrees. When she's done with his laundry, he lists some rules, such as she must call him Master and he is in charge and she must do everything he says with a smile or else he's gonna beat the ever living crap out of her. And to show he's not kidding, he punches Madonna a few times. Usually when I write something like that, I'm kidding, but here I am not, he really does punch her a few times.

So now the tables are turned and Peppe abuses Amber, literally and figuratively, and this goes on for another hour.

"I want my feet washed!!" (SMACK)
"Ok, Master."
"I want you to run around in a bikini for the next half hour showing your nipples so male audiences have a reason to see this movie!" (SMACK SMACK)
"Ok, Master."

And if all of that wasn't weird enough, Amber decides to fight back finally and while she's running away, he chases her, catches her, throws her down to the ground, and threatens to rape her. Well, he might've actually done it, the camera angles were kinda odd, but it looked like her bottom was off and his shorts were kinda down but not down all the way.

Now, I'm all for karma, you get what you give, but she didn't torture him and make him think she was gonna brutally rape him, that's going a little too far, if you ask me. But he says during this that when she fully and truly loves him he will knock it off.

They spend the next few days boinking up a storm and then it turns into scenes that really have nothing to do with anything, like Peppe having an odd daydream of Amber turning to Della Reese singing "Come On-a Over To My House" with a full orchastra, or later on in the hut during a rainstorm and when Peppe discover some whisky buried in the sand they play charades. Or the montage of them boinking on different places on the island while the Mazzy Star song "Fade Into You" plays.

FINALLY!!!! A ship comes and Amber is like, "NO!! Let's stay here!! I don't wanna go back, I love you!" and Peppe is like "Well, if you love me here, you will love me there, let us see." And he swims to the boat, which turns out to be some rich couple from England. Why they were boating near a deserted island near the Mediterranean Sea is beyond me. Tony, Amber's husband in case your mind is numb from picturing what I just described, picks them up and they go to Italy. Tony gives Peppe some money for taking care of Amber and Peppe is all upset because he can't boink her anymore and she hasn't confessed her love to him yet.

Peppe takes the money he got from Tony and buys a very nice and expensive ring. Then Peppe leaves Amber a note at her hotel and instructs the hotel clerk to give it to Amber only when she's alone. Amber is about to pick it up when Tony comes by and ruins the chance for Amber to read Peppe's note about him waiting at a pier in a boat. Tony makes Amber go back to the room and he notices the note hiding in their mailbox.

In the helicopter that's gonna take Amber and Tony back to America, I guess, Tony makes Amber give some bellhop a tip with an evelope. The bellhop reads the evelope which says "Last boat, pier 22" so he goes there, gives the evelope to Peppe and finds the ring. He discovers that Tony is the one who sent the ring back and chases after the helicopter as it takes off, with Amber crying and...well...the...movie just...kind of...ends.

So, I guess the answer is, no, she will not end up with Peppe. You heard it here first.

I'm gonna wrap this up with an open letter to Madonna and Guy Ritchie, seperately.

Dear Guy Ritchie,
Please do not make any more movies with your wife Madonna. Stick with kick ass movies like "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrells" or "Snatch". If you must put your wife in your movies, have her be the chick who gets killed early on in the movie or have a bomb tied to her chest and all the characters have to save her but they're late and it goes off. And no, I'm not bitter at all. Why should I be bitter? Just because I blew 4 bucks renting this piece of shit movie and wasted 2 and a half hours of my life watching this piece of shit movie doesn't make me bitter? I mean, Jesus, if you want to make a snuff film starring your wife, do so. I mean, you see her early videos, right? I'm sure she'll be all for it. And if you're looking for a guy to beat the crap out of her for the film, I'll be glad to help. I have an impressive film and TV resume. And please don't sue me.
Thanks,
Jason Soto.

Dear Madonna,
I liked you at one point. But now you are very fucking weird. I mean "Ester"? What's up with that shit? Now I really hate you for doing this to Guy Ritchie. It's one thing to marry him but ruin his fine film career by making him make this piece of shit? Maybe you should take a cue from Cher and KISS, do a "Goodbye" tour and fade away while I still respect your early career works. And so help me, if you make Guy Ritchie make another movie like this, I will come to your house with giant speakers and play your "American Life" album over and over until you apologize to me and your husband and to the world and give me back my 4 dollars and find me a good movie that lasts 2 and a half hours that I haven't seen.
Oh, and let Guy Ritchie out of his cage, please.
Thanks!

-Jason

New Review: 3 Ninjas: High Noon At Mega Mountain

2009-11-19T19:06:00.001-05:00

What does Hulk Hogan, Loni Anderson, and Jim Varney have in common?

3 Ninjas: High Noon At Mega Mountain

Well, besides THAT.
-Jason

Why I'm Gonna Stop Picking on "Glee"

2009-11-18T13:36:00.003-05:00

I did a review/recap of sorts of the second episode of "Glee" and it seems like people liked it. There was even a demand to do it again. But after much thinking I decided to stop my quest to end the horror that is "Glee". And here's why in three words:

Fox Hates Success

Here's a quiz for you, what do the following shows, besides being on Fox, have in common:
Arrested Development
Firefly
(Recently) Dollhouse
Family Guy
Futurama

Yep, all shows that have rabid fans, did well among those fans, and despite all signs pointing to "Keep show on, channel will be successful", they cancelled those shows. Yeah, they bought Family Guy back but I think a blowjob was involved in that.

So going by Fox's track record, "Glee" will be cancelled, probably soon. I'll give it, oh...another season. Maybe two.

Although, I do regret not covering the following things that apparently happened on the show:
Dude singing the FUCKIN "Thong Song". Yes, that fuckin' happened. On a show that EVERYBODY watches. Watch this and just try not to stab your eyes out:

And there was another episode where they talked about the Wheelchair kid's weiner. And no, I'm not looking for video for that. You're on your own.

So yeah, this is the last I'm gonna talk about "Glee", at least until they do a muscial number based on "Back Dat Ass Up".
-Jason

Overthinking Question Monday #2

2009-11-16T17:13:00.002-05:00

Today's Overthinking Question is in regard to "The Neverending Story".

So you know that scene where what's-his-name the hero in the story is riding his horse Atryxo or whatever through this quicksand type stuff and they start sinking? And it's revealed that they're sinking because they're thinking sad thoughts. So the kid made it ok but the horse didn't?

Well this is a two-fer-one:
1. What the fuck kind of sad thoughts is a horse gonna think? Either a horse is depressed all the time or it don't mind being rode around on.
2. If thinking sad thoughts make you sink deeper into the sand, when the horse died, why didn't the kid just plummet straight through? I mean, he was the horse was tight, ya know? So I'm sure the kid was thinking all kinds of sad shit when the horse died.

As you can tell it's been awhile since I seen it but that's always bothered me.

Thoughts?
-Jason

Gigli

2009-11-15T21:00:00.000-05:00

(OK, this review was written a long ass time ago. It was pretty much when "Gigli" came out on DVD. I posted it on my old website "Friday Night Video Review" (I should do something like that again. Did I do a parenthesis in a parenthesis? I need help). I'm telling you all of this cause no matter how many times I re-read this review, I can't think of any better way to re-word this. And I do refuse to watch this movie again. So here it is in all it's half-assed written glory.)

The later half of 2003 was spent by people going on and on about how bad the movie "Gigli" was, making certain individuals wonder, "Could it really be that bad?" I mean, there's Jennifer Lopez. Oh and Ben Affleck. And, how cute, they're dating AND made a movie together. It can't be that bad, right?

Let me put it this way, I rather have all my teeth removed and replaced with candycorn, which is the worst tasting candy ever, then have to watch this again. And if anyone makes me watch this again, I'm either going to have to kill them or myself. With that done, let's get on with it, shall we?

Affleck is Gigli, Larry Gigli, which rhymes with "Really". He is a "contractor" working for this odd looking guy named Louis. Louis wants Gigli to kidnap this "Mentally handicapped" kid.

The reason for the kidnapping? Ok, try to follow me on this. Some guy in New York named Starkman is on trial. This kid that Gigli is gonna kidnap is the little brother of the prosecutor. And if his brother is kidnapped, apparently, there isn't going to be a case.

So Gigli picks up Brian, the kid, at the place other kids like him live and takes him. Brian is obsessed with going to "The Baywatch" and if you say "You wanna watch Baywatch" he'll call you an idiot. So Gigli and Brian goes to Gigli's apartment when J. Lo's character shows up.

She gives the fake name Ricki and was also hired by Louis to watch Gigli because this is really important to Louis and he doesn't trust Gigli. Gigli, being a very typical guy, falls for Ricki. But Ricki states that she's a lesbian and it's hands off.

Christopher Walken makes an appearance as some nameless cop that Gigli knows, who reveals the plot about the prosecutor, and pretty much just leaves.

Gigli, Ricki, and Brian sit around some more and talk about relationships and yoga and why Ricki's a lesbian and why Gigli's an ass, and lord only knows what cause my mind went numb.

Finally, they leave the house and at a restaurant somewhere Gigli loses his cool with some kids playing punk music, but Ricki tells them some story about how the chinese poke people's eyes out and that shuts them up. Then Gigli gets a call from his mom wanting him to come over.

Gigli's mom is played by the chick who played the mother in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", at least I think it's her, and she's one of those middle aged/going on old aged women who refused to age and gets botox injections in her ass, which is the reason why she called Gigli. She makes him bring Ricki and Brian in when Brian comes to the door asking to go pee. Mrs. Gigli thinks Larry and Ricki make a good couple and when finding out about Ricki being a lesbian, she hits on her, which is just creepy for everyone.

Gigli, Ricki, and Brian go back home, talk for another 45 minutes, when Ricki says "Hell with it, we'll have sex" and they proceed to do so. It should also be noted here that Brian not only likes The Baywatch, he likes rap music and Australian accents.

Louis calls the next day saying he wants Gigli to cut off the kid's thumb and send it to the kid's brother. While discussing that, some weird psycho chick shows up. She turns out to be Ricki's ex-girlfriend, Robin. Robin refuses to let Ricki go and she goes into Gigli's kitchen and slits her wrists.

After taking Robin to the hospital, both Ricki and Gigli realize that they don't really wanna cut Brian's thumb off, so they come up with a plan. Ricki distracts some lab guy while Gigli and Brian sneak into the morgue and Gigli cuts off some dead guy's thumb. They send that.

More talking at home, yada, yada...

The next day Louis calls saying he wants to meet with Gigli and Ricki. He takes them to Starkman's place, who just flew in from New York, and is played rather hyperly by Al Pacino. Starkman is pissed because he didn't want a thumb he wanted an actual finger, so he kills Louis (Only exciting thing in this movie) and wonders what to do with Gigli and Ricki.

Ricki talks (and talks and talks) her way out saying if Starkman just kills everyone, nothing will be solved, but if the brother is found alive, then things will be ok...I guess. I dunno, this movie doesn't make any sense. I mean, if kidnapping him is gonna distract the prosecutor, then why is returning him gonna further distract him? Thinking about this made my brain blow up, so I suggust you don't think about it either.

Then the longest fucking ending takes place when Gigli decides to give up his job, Ricki decides the same thing, Gigli is driving on a highway when Brian spots "The Baywatch" which is really just a video shoot happening on a beach with women in bikini's. After five minutes of pleading, Gigli stops at The Baywatch and leaves Brian there, so his easily distracted brother can come pick him up. Then Gigli tells Ricki to take his car because Ricki wants to continue to be a lesbian, so she does.

And while we're begging for THE END, Brian hooks up with an Australian chick on the video shoot. Now is it over? Nope! Ricki comes back, tells Gigli her real name is Rochelle (if anyone really gives a rats ass), and decides to stay with Gigli after all. I honestly was happy enough when she left his ass because Gigli is one annoying asshole and frankly it's probably men like him that turn women into lesbians, I doubt any lesbian would turn straight because of him. Oh yeah, thankfully it's the end.

See, that wasn't bad. That's because you're hearing it through me, who had to actually watch the damn thing. It didn't help any that it was 2 hours long. If it was an hour and a half, it would probably still be too long but I wouldn't have suffered as much.

There's just no point in me telling you what I thought, I think it's obvious enough. But if you are curious as to what was painful about the experience, that I can lay on you.
First off, everybody was just lounging around and just talking. Gigli trying to get into Ricki's pants, Ricki saying why she's a lesbian, Brian asking for The Baywatch and asking Gigli to read to him, Gigli getting pissed off all the time and acting like a macho asshole, Ricki trying to tell Gigli that he might be gay, and just endless pointless scenes that just go on and on. Why two of the greatest stars agreed to be in this is beyond me. And of course I'm talking about Christopher Walken and Al Pacino.

-Jason

A Mexican, An Irishman, and a Poll Walk Into A Bar

2009-11-14T12:17:00.003-05:00

(To anyone offended by the title, I am all three. Suck it.)

Anyway, I gots some poll results for you!

First, during the test run of New Feature Week, I asked if Ed Wood and Tommy Wiseau were to participate in the 48-Hour Film Festival, who would make the worst movie. And the clear winner is Tommy Wiseau!

To anyone confused, the 48-Hour Film Festival is a film project where aspiring film makers show up at a location on a Friday night, are given a genre, a prop, and a line of dialouge, and then they have 48 hours to make a short film with all the stuff given to them. I went to a screening of one a few years ago and there was some good stuff. Along with some "weird" stuff. So I guess it would make sense Ed Wood would win since he proved he can make a FEATURE length film in two days. A short film would be nothing.

Onto the second poll, I asked which feature did you guys like and the CLEAR winner here is Overthinking Question Monday. And only one vote for Site/Personal News Friday.

Despite the zero votes it got, I probably will be doing the Trailer Thursday from time to time. So look out for that! Word.
-Jason

New Review: I Was A Teenage Zombie

2009-11-13T19:50:00.002-05:00

Feels good to be doing this after awhile!

I Was A Teenage Zombie

Brains!
-Jason

Jason on Jason: Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter

2009-11-13T12:00:00.002-05:00

For this review, I decided to write out what the description on the back of the DVD says, then throw in my review in between the sentences. In other words, you'll be "reading in between the lines." HA!

"After the Crystal Lake Massacres, Jason is pronounced dead and taken to the hospital morge, where he is mysteriously revived-"

Ok so the movie first starts with some people that we'll never see sitting around a camp fire and one guy is telling us a camp fire story about the legend of Jason Vorhees. This is done by showing us non-stop clips of everything from the first three movies. I wonder if the scenes from Part 3 are in 3-D? I tried to throw on my 3-D glasses but didn't in time. Damn.

So after the montage of scenes are over and the credits promise this is the "final chapter", we pick up where Part 3 left off, with a bunch of dead people and a machete in Jason's hockey mask. A nervous paramedic take Jason's body to the hospital.

At the hospital, we meet the pervyest coroner ever. He would like to perform the autospy on Jason but he needs to fuck a nurse first. When Jason's hand brushes against the nurse's ass, she freaks out and leave. And I swear to you, they're trying to say the mere fact sex was about to happen was enough to bring Jason back from the dead (for the umpteenth time).

Sure enough, Jason kills damn near the entire hospital staff. So there's your "mysterious" reason he was revived.

"-allowing his diabolical killing spree to continue at the camp where the gruesome slaughtering began."

Did anyone notice that this sentence on the back of the DVD cover is a run-on sentence?

Anyway, I really don't recall the setting of this chapter if you will, being Camp Crystal Lake. I know there was woods. And there are two houses in the woods. One house belongs to a family, the Jarvis'es. Young Tommy Jarvis is played by, I'm not shitting you, Corey Feldman. This was around "The Goonies" so he's all young and innocent here.

And wait a minute. It takes place almost entirely in a house. So the recently released remake (say that three times fast) combined parts 1, 2, 3, AND 4? Jesus. I'm surprised it didn't end with Jason waking up on Broadway, sing "Start spreading the news!"

Across the way from The Jarvissss is an empty house that soon gets occupied by a bunch of (what else) horny teenager. One of these horny teenagers is played by, again I am not shitting you, Crispin Glover. Yes THAT Crispin Glover. This should be good cause I hear he can kick really high.

"But this time, in addition to terrified teenagers, he meets a young boy named Tommy Jarvis who has a special talent for horror masks and makeup-"

Why didn't they put in parentheses (Corey Feldman)? That surely would draw more people to watch this movie. Well, I'm putting it out there now in case you didn't know.

So yeah, Tommy has a room full of weird rubber masks and knows how to put horror make up on. He's a young Tom Savani. Wait. Tommy. Tom. Are you fucking kidding me?

Anyway, it turns into your typical "Friday" movie with the wild teenagers getting naked and either trying to have sex, having sex, or going skinny dipping. Almost everyone doing these activities are killed.

There's also some guy who's camping out in the woods with a buttload of knives. He had a run in with Jason but somehow survived. He ends up being the Hero in the Hero + Final Girl equation. To add to that equation, Hero + Final Girl / Corey Feldman. Cause you know Corey fuckin' Feldman isn't gonna die.

"-leading to a horrifying, bloody battle that will keep you on the edge of your seat!"

Jesus another fucking run-on sentence. Who wrote this DVD cover, a 15-year-old girl Myspacer? Surprised it doesn't say "Totes! Lates!!!" at the end.

So this "horrifying bloody battle". I guess.

Jason and Knife Dude are "battling" in The Jarvis's basement but it's super dark so you can't see. Tommy finds a newspaper clipping in Knife Dude's backpack and gets an idea. He runs to this room and immedately start shaving his head and applying makeup. Meanwhile Jason is all kinds of kicking Tommy's sister's ass. Finally, Tommy shows up, bald, except in some patches, and pretends to be Little Jason. Big Jason is confused and wants to investigate. That's when Tommy grabs a machete and just starts wailing on Jason. This was when they toyed with the idea of actually killing Jason, so Tommy is really going crazy here. That or Corey Feldman had some issues to work out. (Gee, ya think?)

"Has the diabolical Jason finally met his match?"

I guess so. In the form of a 12-year-old Corey Feldman, who ends the film by giving a creepy stare into the camera. Is that a set-up I smell?

If you picture the entire series as a downward slope, Part 4 would be about the middle. You can easily tell the direction the rest of the series is gonna take and by this point, you're just watching to see Jason stab horny teenagers. It was a neat experience watching this for the first time. I only ever seen Parts 1-3, then 8-X. I never really seen the middle dumping grounds of this series. So the next few movies should be a treat for you and me.

As an added bonus, I found this video of all the kills from this movie. I wanna tell you some things to look out for:
1. The video the pervy cornoner is watching before he gets killed.
2. The way the dude who was swimming is killed. It's a bit dark but you can JUST make out what's happening. And if you're a guy, be prepared to go "Owww..."
3. The scene between Crispin Glover getting killed and the scene of the chick getting killed THEN thrown out the window is like only a minute. So in that minute, he threw down Crispin's body, went outside, climbed the side of the house and timed his grab JUST right. Fuck, change his name to Jesus Vorhees. (I'm possibly going to hell for that.)
4. Ladies and gentlemen: Crispin Glover dancing.

-Jason

Mary's Reviews: Miller's Crossing

2009-11-09T20:12:00.004-05:00

A super long ass time ago, when The Site was new, I asked my friend Mary to write about movies for my site, because she has what I consider the most interesting perspective on things and the way she words things kinda amazes me. She did, writing two articles/reviews for me before she vanished into the netherworld known as "the real world". Well, she recently came back to the dark side (the internet) and I realized I had her reviews kinda buried on my site. So I figured I should upload them to here. With that said, two things:
1. Mary is real and not some made up character I swear. If you do not believe me, look on my Facebook and you'll find her name.
2. Things written in Mary's Reviews are the express opinions of Mary and Mary only. Jason Soto, Invasion of the B-Movie, and Up Late Productions do not nessessarily agree with any comments or statements Mary might make. Thank you and have a good day.

MILLER'S CROSSING:
THE COEN BROTHERS DO IT AGAIN & JOHN TURTURRO CRIES LIKE A BABY

I HAD THE CHANCE TO SEE MILLER'S CROSSING, a Coen Brothers film about the mob, and it was in typical Coen Brothers fashion: It was really good. Lots of great characters, lots of great images (the hat in the leaves was fucking genius), lots of great dialogue. But the two things that totally stuck out in my mind about this movie were these:

John Turturro and graphic violence.

Anyone who knows me can tell you of my love for Turturro. The man just makes me happy. He's got a crooked smile and a snaggletooth, he's got sleepy eyes, he's tall and lanky. But he's just so damn lovable. I think he stands in my Top 5 Favourite Actors, and that says a lot, seeing as how I have a lot of "favourite actors". He can play an idiot, a racist, a pedophile, a dad, a playwright, and whatever he wants to be, and he still makes me giggle like a schoolgirl (yeah I know..)

This movie is no exception. He plays Bernie, the brother of a woman who....ah, hell, I don't want to explain the plot. Let me just tell you why he steals this movie.

His character seems to be a bit dim. He pisses off the wrong people totally. They drive him to the woods in typical mob fashion to kill him, and here's where he really shines. It dawns on him that yes, they really are going to put a bullet in his brain, this is his last moment alive. He totally does it up. They drag him out there like a mom dragging a screaming kid away from a toy store. He's bawling, screaming, whining, crying. It's so fucking great. He's just totally losing it. The Man marches him out there, saying nothing, holding out his gun . Bernie is up ahead, turning around constantly and trying to reason with him to not kill him. "I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO DIE, NOT HERE!" - he becomes more and more frantic and panicked. Finally he drops to his knees in the leaves and holds his hands up in plea like one of those old biblical paintings (I wonder who chose that action; the Coens or him?) and starts crying. "Look in your heart!" he yells, "Look in your heart!"

I won't give away what happens with Bernie, and whether The Man actually looks in his heart, but those words come around again once more later on, for one of the more effective death scenes I've seen in a movie. Plus, Turturro is sneaky and greasy and a right total bastard - my crush on him still remains. What the hell is wrong with me?

Also, this movie is so violent it would make Tarantino blush. It's one of those things where you think, "They're not going to show that..." -- but they do. Oh do they ever. People die alot in this movie. But they don't just die; they are beaten, tortured, mocked, humiliated, each death squeezed out for the most pain. The guy who plays the 'Brother Shamus' detective in the Coen's other film The Big Lebowski, has a pretty good role in this one, and man, he's fucking awesome. I began the film by laughing at the fact he was in it; all I could think of was, "Who the fuck are the Knutsons?", but that quickly dissipated. Then I began to kind of get scared of this guy. I mean really scared. What a fucking screwloose.

If it weren't for Turturro and some other things, this movie would be pretty pedestrian. I didn't care about the main character much, he wasn't that interesting. The lady was..eh. Anybody could have played her. But the things that make this movie good, REALLY make it good. I suggest that if you're a fan of violence, good filmmaking, talent or mob movies, you should see this. It's pretty good.

Oh and keep an eye out for Frances McDormand in a really small role as a seceratary. Even back in '90 before she really made a name for herself, she was a bright light in the film. And I think she had like 3 lines. Maybe 4. She's so fucking talented. Good thing they put her in Fargo.

See Miller's Crossing, with my blessing.

-M

Ooohhh, so that's where I got my "-Jason" from. Damn. Guess I owe Mary years of royalties.
-Jason (another 50 bucks down the drain)

So....Which Feature Did You Guys Like?

2009-11-09T18:04:00.002-05:00

Vote on the poll over to the right and tell me. Whichever one (or ones) win on Saturday will be the new feature(s).

For a reminder on what they might look like:
Overthinking Question Monday
Movies I Like Tuesday
Wednesday Poll
Trailer Thursday
Website/Personal News Friday

Thanks!
-Jason

When Two Posts Become One

2009-11-08T15:55:00.002-05:00

1. The new LAMBcast is up, where me, Mr. Fletch, and Tom Clift all talk about "The Room". I had fun recording this with them and I hope you have fun listening to it. Thankfully, I don't sound too much like a moron in this one, so yay for that. Give this a listen, ok doggie? Oh hi!

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2. It's Sunday! Let's see how the participants are doing on the Great Invasion of the B Movies Scavanger Hunt!

In the lead is Rachael M. with 1050 points, because she was the first to create, then submit, a Wikipedia page on Invasion of the B Movies.

In second place is Maria with 95.

And tied for third is April, Fletch, and Scott from Bargain Bin Reviews for 50 points.

There's still time to join in the fun! Just email me saying you wanna do it and we'll do it...ew. Sorry for that phrasing.
-Jason

The Fifth Kind: Talking About Seeing A Movie

2009-11-08T15:21:00.007-05:00

Hello, I am actor Brad Pitt. I play Mr. Jason Soto in this retelling of this shocking story of a man going to see the movie "The Fourth Kind." Using real documented footage and eyewitness reports, we know that Mr. Soto did indeed see this movie. What you are about to see is shocking.

Sunday November 8th, 2009

I went and saw the movie "The Fourth Kind". I normally-

-don't review movies I've seen in theaters on this site. And I'm not stating that is a bad movie. It just left an impact on me and I felt the need to blog about it. Shirtless. Isn't that right, [name omitted]?

Uh huh.

So I sat down and watched this movie and at first I thought it was all a gimmick, just like "Paranormal Activity". In fact, the trailer for this movie was shown before "P.A" so I figured this was as well. The entire movie-

-switches back and forth between actors and the real people. It tends to get tiresome after awhile. Especially when they do the-

-split screens showing the actor AND real person talking. And this goes on for awhile.

Eventually the scary stuff happens and my lovely fiance [name omitted] continued to jump into my lap. Isn't that right?

Uh huh.

And another thing I noticed is that it seems like anyone that was remotely mean or didn't believe the main chick, named Abigail, is protrayed as a jerk. The two main characters that got this treatment was her son and the town's sherriff. Everyone else, including Casey Jones, is super nice to Abigail, only because they personally go through the-

-same experiences as Abigail. Any event, it's an ok movie. I'm guessing everything we did witness was real, which makes one certain scene in the movie extremely fucked up. I was a bit pissed off at the sherriff cause he wasn't believing Abigail despite the fact one of his OWN deputies saw the crap go down. And just to warn you-

-the movie has a bummer of an ending. So don't go in expecting some kind of feel-good ending. And it's not really a horror movie, even though fucked up things happen. So horror fans, avoid lest ye be dissapointed. Anyway, I have been Jason Soto, reporting on the movie "The Fourth Kind."

Everyone needs to know what kind of movie they are getting themselves into. Learn from me! LEARN FROM ME!!

Mr. Jason Soto soon retired...for the evening to go watch some TV.

Mr. Soto's Fiance [name omitted] also retired...to bed to take a quick nap.

-Brad Pitt

Apparently Friday is Forgetful Friday

2009-11-07T01:46:00.002-05:00

Blah, it's been one of them weeks and I kinda forgot about coming up with a feature for Friday to try out. Judging by the responses of the other posts I think I found a few that would work anyway so maybe it's all for the best that I didn't come up with anything for today.

I figured I'd mention a few things here since I have this big ol' box to fill (that what HE said):

1. I'm a bit over 2000 words in my NaNoWriMo novel but I saw Wings is almost at 8000. Jesus, somebody's a writing machine. Anyway, I plan on giving you guys a preview of a chapter soon because I think it's a doozy of a novel. I'm kinda keeping what it's about a secret but I can release the title. It is called: "The Horrible Tragic Life of Dr. Feet (A Invasion of the B Movies Novel)". I'll let you come to your own conclusions on what it's about before I show you a chapter.

2. Part of the Scavanger Hunt items I listed was so many point awarded to whoever was first in created a Wikipedia page on Invasion of the B-Movies. Good friend Rachael M. went and did just that. Yeah, it's not a huge entry but hey it's an entry nonetheless and I love it. I'll be posting who got how many points on Sunday. If you wanna join in on the Scavanger Hunt, it's not too late. Just send me an email (invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com) saying "I Wanna Join The Hunt!!"

3. Last week I recorded an episode of The LAMBcast with Fletch and Tom Clift and I think it was awesome. But since Fletch is too busy handling Nicolas Cage's fiances, he hasn't been able to post the episode yet. I will make a post when it is available.

4. I got a fun thing planned for Christmas...if I can get the movies. I hate when crap gets out of print.

5. A bit of a rant. Why are all Disney movies so fucking expensive to buy on DVD? The other day I was thinking about how awesome "Monsters Inc." was and wanted to buy it. That came out, what, 2001? 2002? It should be at least 10 bucks by now. I go into the store and it's damn near 20 bucks! And I look at all the other Disney movies...they're all 20 bucks too! I'm like "The fuck?" I can see all the newer ones maybe being that price but Monster's Inc.? Fucking even Pete's Dragon, which came out not too long after Walt Disney himself was frozen, was 20 bucks. Jesus, Disney, lay the fuck off, ok?
And speaking of Disney, I'm glad there's gonna be a Toy Story 3 but think about all the kids that are out there right now. They all watch and listen to Zach Effron and Miley Cyrus. So when they go to see Toy Story 3 they're gonna be like "Why isn't Hannah Montana not voicing this Woody character? Where's Troy?!?!" And not know who Tim Allen or Tom Hanks is. So let's be honest here, Toy Story 3 is for the adults who loved Toy Story 1 and 2. They might as well have made this a hardcore porn version.

6. You know, a good theme for Friday could be personal gripes and updates on stuff in my life. Yeah! And like B-movie news or something. Invasion of the B-Movies News Update Channel 6! This just in: Michael Bay still sucks! Film at 11! There's ya fuckin' theme for today!

I swear I'm ok.
-Jason

New Feature Beta Testing Week: The Return of Trailer Thursdays

2009-11-05T16:53:00.000-05:00

I use to do this a long time ago so maybe I can brink it back.

Here's the trailer for the "blaxpoitation spoof" Black Dynamite. Watching this trailer, you'd think it was a 1970's blaxpoitation film. Which is friggin' awesome.

-Jason

Awesome Fuckin' Video

2009-11-04T19:26:00.002-05:00

I had to share this for reasons (many of them) you'll find.

-Jason

New Feature Beta Testing Week: Wednesday Poll

2009-11-04T17:10:00.002-05:00

I figure maybe on Wednesday I can have a poll. Why not?

The first poll:

If these two guys signed up for the 48 Hour Film Challenge/Festival, who do you think would make the WORST movie?
Ed Wood
Tommy Wiseau

Hard one I know.
-Jason