Cousins of Ron Mexico

Scorched Earth = Page Views

2009-10-21T20:12:00.009-04:00

Today was an icky day on the interwebs as Deadspin decided to post all the old rumors in their inbox after getting scooped on the Steve Phillips story. What most surprised me was how damn vindictive this whole thing is. I just don't get it. From my interactions with AJ, I've always found him to be a nice guy. Accessible, funny, I want to date him, yada, yada, yada.

What happened? As usual, Lozo explained it best. For some reason, AJ lost it when a story he kind of heard previously got broke'd by a mainstream source before Deadspin had it.

Believe me, I know what its like. I constantly gets scooped. Just today I opened my e-mail and got the official announcement about SpikeTV's counter-programming on November 7th to go against the Fedor Strikeforce card. I immediately started writing up a piece for The Rumble because hoping to at least get it up around the same time as the rest of the bloggers who are on the Spike's e-mail list.

Then I looked at MMAjunkie to check a date of a fight and saw that Junkie already had a post up. 2 hours before I even got the e-mail. I had been SCOOPED!

I was pretty upset. So, see? I understand.

That being said, posting those rumors was incredibly off-putting. It wasn't fun to watch. As I said in both e-mail and Twitter-form earlier today, it reminded me of a powerful scene from The Wire.

Yes, I suppose I just compared Daulerio to Marlo Stanfield. Its a simile or something.

My point is, it was like Daulerio was just doing these posts today... because.

Of course, its not just because. I imagine this has been a long time coming. These are items that have been saved for a rainy (or vengeful) day. Finally, after who knows how much prodding, AJ started to empty his inbox and unloaded on people that lots of readers have probably never heard of. Why now after a stupid story about Steve Phillips? This isn't even a story that the non-sporting news cycle will probably touch. This seems like something that's been building as the Dark Side beckoned young AJ.

But, for now, ESPN, go in peace. I hope that 6 p.m. meeting went well. I think the one person who probably enjoyed this the most today (besides Nick Denton) is Sean Salisbury.

[...]

Sleep tight, Bristol...

No clues there. It could always be as simple as page views - today was heee-uge if you're counting the eyeballs on Deadspin. It reminds me of the bump in traffic Deadspin received when the Erin Andrews hit the fan. Of course, back then we were all saddened that some asshole had ruined our good time.

Look, we're here to laugh and have a good time and make the occasional lewd jokes and that won't be abandoned for the sake of reaching some higher moral ground to rise above this unfortunate situation.

Indeed.

What Have I Been Writing!?

2009-10-13T20:46:00.004-04:00

It's been a few days since I checked in to tell everyone about the things that I wrote other places that you've probably already read. Geri Halliwell was [picture of girl] at some point this weekend.

Pigskin Pigsplosion - TBL
I think I went 8-6 this week! Don't look now, but somebody's over .500!

New York Times (Finally) Warms Up To MMA - The Rumble
In the past there have been some dumb articles on MMA at the NYT. This was the first one I'd seen there that was positive. I like it when my blood doesn't boil. What a weird phrase. What is my blood doing now? Simmering? What's a word for room temperature water? I guess room temperature will have to work.

Ortiz Draws Griffin At UFC 106 - The Rumble
I didn't think Forrest would be back until like 2011 or something. I wonder if Tito is still going to come out to Mosh? Or maybe he goes old school with some Bizkit? Or maybe a cut from Korn's upcoming release?

Instant Replay in Baseball?? - TBL
I think there should be more instant replay in baseball. People that also thought that argued.

Phoenix Mercury Win WNBA Title - TBL
I cover all the important stuff when I work weekends at The Big Lead. Fun fact: I stole the joke about the Indiana Fever sounding like a corn disease from my roommate. True story.

The People Scheduling The MLB Playoffs Are Idiots - TBL
The game ended after 1:30am on the East Coast. Did I say idiots? I mean those people were brilliant.

WEC 43 Recap - The Rumble
This was a really kick-ass event. I watched Sunday morning and night on DVR. The second viewing was to take notes that became the recap.

There were also some link posts and a Chuck Liddell on DWTS post on The Rumble that you can find here. There's a great video of new UFC Octagon Girl Natasha Wicks at the bottom of page 1. I can't recommend that highly enough.

There are also more smaller pieces at TBL. Author page here. Ooh! Cheerleaders!

Feel free to tell me about all the things you love about me in the comments.

New Post on The Rumble about UFC 105

2009-10-07T14:13:00.003-04:00

New post at The Rumble - UFC 105 Officially Announced

Don't let the title fool you - the post is interesting and hilarious. (Not really, but there are 2 jokes in there. I promise.)

See, I get press releases from the good people at SpikeTV and I never really had anything to do with them. I used to just glance at them and then go back to my nap. Now that I'm writing about MMA at The Sporting News, I have something to do with the releases. I can write posts about the information they provide me with! Sometimes I even put on my little press hat.

Anyway, the post is about the now official line up for UFC 105 in November. The card takes place in England so it will be tape-delayed, which I hate. I'm sure I covered that before.

Hello World (Again)

2009-10-06T20:08:00.002-04:00

The title doesn't really make much sense, I know. I never really went anywhere. I've still been on the internet. There are details of my wwwearabouts (get it?) in the post that's been up for the last 8 months. I thought about just updating it with my newest current blogging exploits, but I figured what the hell? Why not just dust off this WWW and get back to writing about what really interests me - Me.

That and TV and movies and music and stuff. I haven't really written much about that stuff lately. I've been mainly focusing on MMA over at The Rumble and general sports at The Big Lead. Other than that, blah blah blah. It just felt like the right time to start writing here again.

I'll also be taking a page from Tyler Duffy's book... er... blog and start doing linky things with the stuff I write elsewhere. This will again be the major depot for all things CRM. Just the way you all liked it.

Those of you who have been following my ascent to greatness will notice that you can find my real name on both TBL and The Rumble. It's true, I'm named after The Little Giant ladder system. Wait, what?

Anyway, yeah. Here I am. Nice to be back. I'm looking around and seeing all sorts of classics. Hey, I forgot all about that! Timeless. Boy it's good to be back.

New Content Coming Soon...

2009-10-01T10:43:00.001-04:00

(Possibly)

Putting Down The Blog

2009-01-08T22:09:00.007-05:00

Update: In addition to TBL and MLJ, I started an MMA blog - Blood, Booze and Bruises. It's awesome and you should read it and comment.

Well, as you can see, the blog has slowed down. Other venues have presented themselves over the last year that contributed to this day. I'm not saying I'll never post here again, but for now, I have other outlets for my creativity. For the immediate future, this blog will be a frame of reference for my newer work.

If you're still stopping by with your fingers crossed that you might catch some of my newest thoughts there are two not-so-new destinations where you can still read me. By now, I'm sure you're aware that I write for The Big Lead.

I post link roundups during the week as well as random stories. If you have any submissions or suggestions, send them along to alumnigonzo@gmail.com. I also cover every third weekend all by myself.

Or... You can find me at Major League Jerk where I am now contributing on a(n almost) daily basis. I'm working on MLJ with some of my best internet friends and it's a site that I've grown to enjoy a great deal. It's fairly well-written and mostly remains on the topic of sports. Please, swing by and check it out.

And finally, you can follow me on Twitter.

I'm not 100% certain whether or not I'll return to this blog, but if I don't... it was a lot of fun. Thanks to everyone who linked, read and commented. Again, if you need to contact me, my e-mail remains, alumnigonzo at gmail dot com.

Thanks again,

Stephen/CRM

Old People Give Great Advice

2008-10-15T23:28:00.006-04:00

What's that? They didn't wear seat belts when you were allowed to drive? What do you mean music was better?

I swear it's not because I just tried to pick up Brad Johnson in one of my fantasy leagues. It's just that, this is a guy who has turned the ball over in something like 18 straight games. He drops the ball more than I (metaphorically) do.

And all because some crazy old man told him he probably could.

After saying he'd try to play, Romo's streak of 32 consecutive starts is now in the hands of Cowboys coaches and medical staff.

Really? 32 games? 2 seasons?

Fuck. You.

Who gives a shit about streaks like that? Oh, well, Ryan Leaf once started 3 straight games! He's so good! So ridiculous.

Romo isn't that good. I don't know if anyone has take the time to watch him play, but the Cowboys continually win in spite of him. (Playoffs excluded!) It could have something to do with the talented offensive line, running backs, wide receivers, tight end and... oh, those are the only positions besides quarterback?

You know how much something has to bother me to get me to blog here two days in a row? What a stupid fucking story. I know I joke, but seriously...

HE CAN'T HOLD ONTO THE BALL WITH 10 FUNCTIONING FINGERS!!!

What Did I Do To Deserve This?

2008-10-14T22:00:00.004-04:00

When I saw this rumor floated on Deadspin this afternoon, I almost fainted. The rush of blood to my head was unsettling to say the least. By the time I came to, it was 5pm and it was time to go home. I had forgotten all about it.

Of course, I sat down tonight and clicked over to ESPN. Why?

It's every sports writer's wet dream. Why whatever did Brett say!?

Predictably, Favre advised Romo to do everything possible to avoid the sideline, explaining how he played though the agonizing pain of a fractured thumb to maintain his streak with the Green Bay Packers.

Ed Werder left out part of the conversation. Luckily, I was able to obtain part of the transcript between turnover machines:

Favre: You want to know how to turn the ball over with style and flair, Tony? Romo: Shucks yeah, Brett! *Smiles* Favre: OK, first you play hurt - especially if it's to the detriment of your team. Romo: Golly!

Favre: You play hurt - they'll love ya.

Romo: *Smiles*

Favre: No matter what!

Romo: *Texts Jason Whitten*

Favre: The hometown writers will never write anything like this (or this or this or this) about you again.

Romo: Gosh!

Favre: And the national writers will give you a complete pass. You'll be a gunslinger!

Romo: Sheesh! So no more articles like this?

Favre: You got it!

Romo: Oh, boy! I'm going to have Jess make me a sling.

Aaaaand... scene!

Seriously, Romo already fumbles the ball 4 times a game (not an exaggeration). Can you imagine the damage he'd do with a broken pinkie? The hillbilly would drop his pants every other play if he's got a broken finger.

Brainsplosion: James Posey Edition

2008-10-07T22:32:00.003-04:00

Really?

I'm going to try not to freak out.

I'm not going to go into all this again. I just can't do it to myself. It's bad for the heart. I just felt like I should capture this moment in time. The night I was working on some homework and I skipped over to ESPN.com to be greeted with this feature.

A feature about James Freaking Posey. A guy who has a career average of 9.2 points per game.

The picture makes him look like a Don. Go ahead, kiss the ring. What's that? You don't think the Hornets are a mortal lock for the championship? Please.

James Posey is the spoon that stirs the drink. He's the bee that pollinates the championship flowers. He is the twist tie that helps keep your bread fresh. He is the bottle opener on your friend's key chain that you really need when you're drinking Sam Adams because you left your keys at home because your roommate drove.

He is the final piece in the championship puzzle. He's the guy that goes out there and plays because you should really have 5 players at once. He's my new favorite player.

This has been another ringing endorsement.

2008 Bejing Ol-Chimp-ic Closing Ceremonies

2008-09-05T17:59:00.006-04:00

What an eventful 36 days of events that was! We have some new national heroes and for that, we can all be thankful. Unfortunately, we also got to know some naughty little monkeys who have become infamous of the last month.These two were a real disappointment. On the left we see the the disgraced boxing chimp who was disqualified for the use of banned amphetamines.

The Judo-Weightlifting chimp was also tested positive for an illegal PED. He would have been the first Ol-Chimp-ian to medal in two sports.

Then there was the disappointment on the basketball court. The gold medal favorites in basketball experienced an embarrassing loss to the Puerto Rican chimps. You could tell they were only interested in selling shoes.

Not all of the Ol-Chimp-ians let our country down though. Unquestionably, the feel-good story of the entire Ol-Chimp-ics took place in the pool.

See you in October!

The 2008 Bejing Ol-Chimp-ics

2008-08-01T17:21:00.005-04:00

I saw this on Best Week Ever and had no choice. There's just something about monkeys in people clothes that is both timeless and hilarious. Just look at these two Ol-chimpians. So many questions come to mind:

What are a boxer and a weightlifter doing together?(Performance enhancing drugs perhaps?)

Is the one on the right even a weightlifter? He's dressed like he's going to Karate class.

Oh - and here's a picture of a chimp playing basketball. What is he doing wearing pants!?

Oh, Well...

2008-07-31T18:54:00.005-04:00

I really didn't intend on getting swept up in the whole "Manny to the Marlins" thing. Hell, I hadn't even heard about it until yesterday morning.

"Hmm..." I thought, "Manny Ramirez is pretty damn good at hitting a baseball. He would make the Marlins' lineup better."

At first, I wrote the rumors off. Going after high-priced stars isn't really the Florida Marlins' "way."

Then the rumors started to swirl and gain traction. (It was dizzying and easy to remain steady all at once.) By early evening the trade was a "done deal." The important stuff had been worked out and all that was left was picking a couple names out of a hat, lighting a victory cigar and the shaking of some hands via e-mail.

By the time ~~Project Runway came on~~ the Marlins were enjoying their 5-run 4th last night things began to unravel. Talks started to stall and the wheels began to fall off. The Marlins didn't want to give up their prized young prospect, Mike Stanton. (This Stanton character had better end up being a really fucking good player, might I add.)

When I went to bed, all I could think about was Manny Ramirez. I'm pretty sure I dreamed about him.

When I woke up, I saw that nothing had transpired and knew it probably wasn't going to happen. Having a Hall-of-Famer in the lineup to finish the season just wasn't in the cards.

Of course the rumors wouldn't die. At various times throughout the day the trade was on or dead. By 4 o'clock I was ready to throw my computer off my desk. I must have Googled the man a thousand times today.

When it was reported that the LA Dodgers had snuck in at the last minute and basically just replaced the Marlins in the deal, I was a broken man.

Then I remembered that the Marlins were only 1.5 games out of first. Shit man, we'd gotten this far without Manny, we could make it the rest of the way. The Mets are still a volatile melting pot of a club house and remain a misplaced chalupa away from a season ending race riot. Then there's the Phillies - I don't think they've ever won a post-season series in their history. (Someone want to check on that one for me? Thanks.)

And on top of that, the Marlins are only 3 games out of the Wild Card. Shit - second place in the division could be good enough for the Playoffs. This might just work out.

Besides, who wants to rent a goofy, dread-locked, clubhouse cancer like Manny Ramirez anyway?

There is a reason for this....

2008-07-22T15:24:00.002-04:00

During my immense struggles this afternoon to get a picture into the PM Roundup over at The Big Lead I attempted to post this picture here so I could use the link - which didn't work. Wordpress was giving me a bear of a time today with the pictures. Luckily a fellow blogger helped me out and the issue was resolved. That of course doesn't mean that I didn't want to throw my computer over the wall of my cubicle.

New Orleans Hornets Crowned 2008-2009 NBA Champions With Signing Of James Posey!

2008-07-16T17:13:00.004-04:00

Young Champ.

Holy crap! Did you guys hear the Hornets signed James Posey? Wow!

Posey averaged 7.4 points, 4.4 rebounds and 1.5 assists last year for the Celtics.

He does that every game?

/Eyes widen

Every single game!?

/mouth agape

Oh, boy! Looks like we can engrave the trophy right now. Not only does Posey score upwards of 7 points a game, but he hands out nearly 2 assists in every contest.

Of course James Posey is one of those players that transcends statistics. Posey leadership skills and other intangibles have helped to lead the Miami Heat and Boston Celtics to championships in the past few years.

"Hustle wins games, but I win championships" - James Posey

Posey carried the Heat to the 06-07 title, averaging 7.3 ppg, 5.7 rpg and .9 apg. Posey showed a willingness to let his teammates try and win games that post season by teach a young unproven Dwayne Wade how to win. Wade used Posey's lessons to score 28 points a game that post season. Posey's intangibles also helped Wade to shoot 250 free throws during the course of post season play. Shaquille O'Neal has often said that the championship he won with the Heat was the easiest because he just had to - and I quote - "Sit back and watch James Posey do this thang."

Celebrating the first of ~~two~~ what will be many titles.

Just two short seasons after Posey showed the Heat how to win, he went to Boston where he redefined the careers of three perennial all-stars. Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett were three popular players who just couldn't win the big one until they were allowed to play with James Posey.

~~Hopefully~~ Inevitably, Posey will now take the New Orleans Hornets to the promised land. Posey, who signed a 4-year, $25 million contract today, will surely help Chris Paul reach his potential. Posey's ability to hit a wide open jump shot 3 to 4 times a game (!) will surely help Paul get over the hump and win his first MVP award.

I'm going to book a plane ticket and hotel for New Orleans next June so I can celebrate James Posey's 3rd championship. That is, once the Hornets have completed the sweep or whatever loser team from the Eastern Conference didn't sign James Posey.

Ha! ha ha ha

/falls out of chair laughing

Sorry. I just went into a laughing fit thinking about the fatal flaw that 29 franchises have - They had the opportunity to sign James Posey and they didn't. Fools!

The Memphis Grizzlies proved to be the worst franchise in the history of sports when they failed to win a championship despite the fact that James Posey played for them. Oh.. and the same goes for the Nuggets and Rockets too. In a completely unrelated coincidence, these teams didn't feature any future Hall-of-Famers, either.

It's going to be so sweet when the Hornets win the championship next year. It definitely wouldn't be because the Hornets were a year older, wiser and better. It will be because of the influence a career journeyman (This is his 6th team in 10 seasons!) who happened to luck into two great situations because he fit under the cap and can defend and hit open jumpers.

Now that Posey has signed with a team that many thought could win the title last year in their first year in the playoffs, I'm sure he'll teach us all what it takes to win all over again.

My Celebrity Encounter

2008-07-14T22:38:00.004-04:00

When I was blogging over at The Big Lead this weekend, I made a passing mention that I met a celebrity the day before. Of course, no one was paying any attention to anything I wrote that day - Or at least that's what the comments imply. So here, exclusively, is my story of hob-knob-ery with someone you might recognize.

Saturday afternoon, Lauren invited me to go to her neighbor's big annual party. Her neighbor is an older gentleman who I have interacted with once in my life. At the beginning of the summer, I helped him bring his mini-fridge out of his shed and set it up by his pool.

Not that it matters in the context of this story, but this guy's backyard rules. He's got a roof that goes from his house to near the edge of the in-ground pool and underneath the roof he has a television with cable, fridge full of beer and a picnic table. If you were going to set up your backyard, this is what you would have in mind.

Anyway, every summer this guy and his wife have a big party with karaoke and booze and whatnot. It's a big to-do.

We were there for a short while and Lauren and I went to sit down with her grandparents who know the neighbor. We were sitting there for a few minutes when an old lady came and sat down next to us so she could smoke a cigarette. It quickly became apparent that she was a feisty gal.

I wasn't really paying any attention to her when I heard her say something about Family Guy. It was odd. What was something her age doing, making Family Guy references? I eventually realized she was saying her grandson worked on Family Guy. I perked up because I'm not used to older people talking about Family Guy.

What does he do?

He's a lead animator.

Oh, wow. That's cool. Small world. Then she dropped this bomb:

You know Peter's mother? Thelma?

Yeah.

Then she pointed to herself.

She drinks, smokes and chases younger men.

Then she explained that she doesn't chase younger men. Though she was smoking and the entire time was complaining about the lack of hard liquor. When we told her we thought there might be some inside, she seemed quite pleased.

We sat there and talked to her for a good 15 minutes before she left us to search for the hard stuff. In that time she told us about the hard work that went into her grandson making it in Hollywood; the great jewelry that used to be made in the Capital Region; how raunchy she thinks Family Guy is; her friends and family in Rome; her many trips to Vegas; and the fact that Seth McFarland often inquires about her love life.

Cool New Movie Incredibly NSFW

2008-07-13T03:36:00.006-04:00

Not an hour ago the following e-mail hit my inbox:

I saw this on Attack of the Show. At first I thought it was fake. Apparently, it's a real movie.

The body of that e-mail in no way prepared me for what would follow when I clicked the link contained within. Really, no description could have prepared me for what I was about to view.

The pure unadulterated awesomeness that follows is the trailer for a very real movie simply titled, Donkey Punch.

I just don't know what you can say about something like this. This is kind of like the first time I saw the trailer for Black Sheep. Only there is much more disbelief and awe this time.

They named a movie after one of the most vile, degrading, outlandish, offensive acts in the history of civilization. This is something people with a crass sense of humor only joke about. An act that only the most depraved human beings would even begin to consider with an modicum of seriousness. We're talking about a donkey punch here, people.

The fact that I just Googled that term probably will result in my name being added to a list that bars me from future employment with any and all Fortune 500 companies.

This movie has to be the new Snakes on a Plane, right? If I know anything about the internet, fake posters and trailers using perverse sexual acts to build plots of horror films on should become all the rage in the coming weeks.Now, I've just watched the trailer for the 4th time and I'm starting to wonder about some things... For instance - How does one so debonairly bring up the donkey punch? I mean, you're chilling with some new friends, talking baseball and favorite ice cream flavors... so how exactly does one broach the subject so fluidly as to not alarm anyone?

And even if the dumb-shit girl does say - with wide eyes - "No! What's a donkey punch?" Even the dumbest, most adventurous, most "hardcore" girl would probably say, "Hmm... that's not for me."

Of course, that's not taking into account the angel dust or meth you're going to smoke. Once a girl has had a hit of the good shit, they're down for anything while they're being video taped and screamed at by some friends.

At this point, it's rape, (Don't argue, frat boys.) so, you might as well give her a haymaker to the back of the noggin.

Anyway, despite the fact that I haven't seen the movie, I don't want to give away any more spoilers. I'll instead turn my attention to the press surrounding the film.

Empire calls Donkey Punch - and I quote - "The sexiest most shocking film of the year." Wow.

Here's the official website. Wow. Don't click on that at work. Just... wow. I can't wait for this to hit American soil. It's going to be a shit show.

I've Been Burnt

2008-07-10T07:52:00.002-04:00

I'm pretty sure I gave a small introductory post about Major League Jerk a couple months ago and never though anything else of it. I figured that blog would last about a week and be a complete train wreck. Well, I was right about the train wreck part, but the blog has been going strong* for like 2 months or something.

Made up of commenters from The Big Lead, MLJ has turned into a fairly comprehensive and sporadically (I'm being generous here.) funny baseball blog. They even do game recaps - so you know they're for real!

Anyway, one of the contributes (and I use that term loosely) "interviewed" me recently. The "Contributer," "clown" (A pretty dumb name as far as internet monikers go, but he's Mexican and clowns are like Gods down there, so he doesn't realize how dumb a name it is. You want to laugh? You should see his real name.)

I'm aware that I just put three words together and trailed off into parenthesis. I can do whatever I want, it's my blog.

And that is the line of thinking that clown used when he posted our "interview." Read it for yourself over at Major League Jerk, a site I don't completely hate.

*strong = sucks

UFC Fight Night: Breaking News

2008-07-08T22:25:00.008-04:00

On Saturday, July 19th at 9pm, SpikeTV will broadcast UFC Fight Night 14. The fight will be shown live, from The Pearl at The Palms in Las Vegas. Oh yeah...

... I just found out this afternoon, that I'll be in attendance. That's right - I'm going to Las Vegas.

It will be my first ever trip to Vegas. Hell, it'll be the first time in my life that I go West of Michigan.

I sure hope my flight has a stop-over in Idaho. I want to see all the sites. I mean, I've been a huge fan of potatoes my entire life. Baked. Mashed. You name the pota... Wait a second...

What am I talking about? UFC! ~~Las Vegas!~~ Vegas, baby! Please send money for me to gamble away! Unlike TBL I'm not too proud to take a handout. Now if someone would just explain to me how PayPal works...

I'll be releasing more details as I learn them.

Three things I do know at this point in time:

1. I'll be staying somewhere in this area.

2. I'll be seeing a current UFC Title Holder making his debut in a new weight class.

3. I'll be posting sporadically the entire weekend. Of course, I have no idea what sporadically means. Is a single post with a picture of me outside the hotel and the words "Holy shit, this is awesome!" considered sporadic?

Hopefully, my trip doesn't end up like this.

Dale Earnhardt Is A Big Mo

2008-07-07T22:23:00.005-04:00

I was in the grocery store the other day buying groceries to eat. When I was done picking out the groceries that I was going to purchase I made my way to the checkout lines because that's what good upstanding members of society do.

As I was standing there, waiting to put my groceries on the little conveyor belt, something caught my eye. Well, well, well. Look at that shit right there. It's one of my favorite "athletes" of all time, Dale Earnhardt Jr. And he's on a candy bar!

While I'm fairly certain I would have noticed a Dale Jr. candy bar under any other circumstance, the fact that this one said "Big Mo" on it really stood out to me. I can't imagine what anyone involved in this was thinking. I mean, this candy bar is gay.

Forrest Griffin is the New 205 lb Champ! Hell F'n Yeah!

2008-07-06T03:24:00.003-04:00

I could hardly enjoy one of the best fights of the year because my stomach was in knots for 25 minutes as Forrest Griffin defeated Quinton "Rampage" Jackson to earn the light heavyweight championship. It was retarded. I need to try to sleep and digest the incredible performance I just witnessed.
Did I mention how fucking excited I am right now? You couldn't ask for a better fight.

Forrest Griffin vs. Stephan Bonner

2008-06-30T23:09:00.002-04:00

This is the fight that put the UFC on the map. (Did I already say that?)

With Forrest-Rampage this Saturday, I thought it would be a good time to look back at one of the best fights in UFC history. I can barely sleep.

forrest griffin vs. stephen bonner. best fight ever

"The Mex Man"

2008-06-27T17:08:00.004-04:00

Really? It just sounds dumb.

Please don't call me that.

Come on over to The Big Lead to hang out this weekend.

Send tips to alumnigonzo@gmail.com

Hat Tip on the ridiculous photoshop goes to RexyNomo over at Major League Jerk.

Hey Whatever Happened To The Rest of Memorial Day Weekend?

2008-06-21T10:16:00.006-04:00

Excellent question. The short of it, is that I get easily distra.... Ooh! Televised poker!

Anyway, I'm going to wrap up what I can still recall from the weekend right here. The stuff you see above is from right before the party started. As you can see, we had trick photography (The groom appears taller than the bride), fake mustaches, hats and plenty of see-gars.

As the clocked ticked towards 10, the part started to die down and we moved it next door to my house. Of course we had to pick up some at Lauren's before I could go to the new address and continue my drinking. I wasn't happy with that because I'm a child who doesn't like responsibility.

After we picked up we started to bring the booze next door. Two huge pitchers of mojitos made their way next door along with the vodka soaked fruit punch and 60 or so Jell-o shots. And the metric fuck ton of beer I'd purchased. Our living room was packed: Myself, Lauren, Mike, Katie, Foker, Kyle, Krystal, Maid of Honor Lauren and her boyfriend, Tauren. And B-Funk. I'm pretty sure that's everyone. It was like a month ago. This is one of those details that would probably be clearer had I written this when I originally intended to.

Anyway, we settled in and continued with the drinking - except for the DD's who weened themselves off for the ride home 3 and a half hours later. B-Funk had brough shitty Domino's pizza in lieu of his usual square grease bomb from Deli & Brew. I've got a 20,000 word rant about Deli & Brew for another time. (Tune in next March to read it!)

Anyway, the pizza sucked. Domino's is horrible. It makes me happy that I grew up in a tiny town where we didn't have pizza chains. (Not you pizza hut! I love you. We'll be together forever.)

The fight featured BJ Penn beating up Sean Sherk; Wanderlei Silva kicking the shit out of Keith Jardine; and Tito Ortiz disappointing in (most likely) his last fight in the UFC. Blah blah blah. You can read full recaps somewhere else on the internet.

After about an hour of the card, Tauren did like Tim Sylvia and gassed. He passed out. So we started playing Human Jenga. Those of you who aren't familiar, it's when you stack random objects on people who are passed out in a group situation. (Or Justin when he gets real drunk and goes to sleep in his room with fucking Garden State blasting at 3 in the morning.)

Anyway, its just as immature as it sounds. And just as funny. Its fun to have fun at the expense of the embarrassment of those who are unable to defend themselves. It's what makes being an American so fucking cool.

So when Tauren finally woke up (I think it was the pen up his nose that did it.) he ran outside. Of course, it was during a fight, so no one really paid any attention.

As the fight went on, we went to the task of finishing all the Jell-o shots. They were delicious. After Penn finished off Sherk (Not as gay as it sounds) the crowd began to disperse. Lauren and Heather went next door to pass out. The bride and groom to be got a ride home with Maid of Honor Lauren and her sleepy boyfriend, Tauren. It was past B-Funk's bedtime so he hurried home leaving Mike, Kyle, Krystal and Myself with a couple shots and lots off beer. And cigars.

Here's the thing about the cigars: We had talked about smoking them in doors earlier, but were rebuffed by Focker. He said we wouldn't want to smoke cigars in our house. Of course, since it was Focker after he'd had a couple drinks, we figured, "That can't be right." See, Focker, despite the fact that he might seem like the most mature because he's getting married and whatnot, isn't. He's the friend who likes to jump through fire and do generally rowdy stuff when he's been drinking.

Hence, when he said we shouldn't smoke cigars in the house, we figured we definitely should smoke cigars in the house. Drunk Focker isn't the type of person you want making your decisions. The last time he got really drunk, he ended up getting engaged.*

So once all the ladies cleared out, Mike, Kyle and I decided we should smoke some see-gars. So we clipped the ends of those sons of bitches and sparked up some tobacco. And we drank beer and watched Knocked Up which Mike and I have seen upwards of 30 times since it's hit HBO. Seriously, I'm watching it as I type this.

When Knocked Up started to wind down around 3 or 4 o'clock, Kyle and Krystal headed home leaving Mike and I sitting in a smoky living room.

When I woke up the next morning (at like 9am BTW) and opened my bedroom door, I was smacked in the face by one of the worst, heaviest stenches I've ever smelled.

It was worse than the morning after our Columbus Day party when we had mixed hard cider all around the house.

The smoke was still there, along quarter-full pitchers of mojitos, a spent Jell-O shots and a huge bowl of liquor sitting in the kitchen with fruit that had been soaking for 24 hours. And the usual post-UFC empty beer can smell. It wasn't fun cleaning up. It was almost like that stupid Dunkin Donuts commercial.

I guess the main difference is that Mike and I aren't 30 year old women living in a frat house. Other than that though - exactly the same. Right down to the shoe in the fish tank. We weren't so surprised that someone's shoe ended up in the tank. We were more confused by the fact that a fish tank had shown up in our house. We don't even have a fish.

Anyway, since it was 9am and I felt like garbage, I decided to bring a pillow and blanket out to lay down on the couch and try to fall back asleep. There wasn't really much on and I couldn't fall back asleep, so I ended up watching The Devil Wears Prada on HBO. I don't know if its the fact that I'm kind of gay or the fact that Anne Hathaway is extremely likable and attractive, but I really like that movie.

So there I lay - hungover enjoying The Devil Wears Prada. The only thing that was missing was a quart of ice cream.

When the movie ended (She made it!) Mike finally came out of his room and we went to the Deli & Brew for some lunch.

Lauren and Heather said they didn't want to come and then when we were driving home, we passed them going there. Women = decisive.

Since it was still a hung over Sunday, we decided to put on a movie. Flipping through OnDemand, I didn't want to watch The Devil Wears Prada twice in one day so we settled on Pathfinder. Pathfinder is one of those movies where the trailer looks kind of cool, but in reality, the movie is a piece of shit. Seriously, it was terrible. There was even a high-speed chase - down a mountain on sleds. Wow. I had forgotten about how bad that movie was until just now.

At this point, I don't remember anything else from the weekend....

Justin came home Monday to do laundry and drink a couple of my beers. It was nice of him I thought. He stuck around long enough to watch Stripes and... The Devil Wears Prada. Yes, I watched that movie two days in a row. What can I say? It was a powerhouse performance by ~~Glenn Close~~ Meryl Streep. I don't think any else significant happened.

We probably cleaned. And ate dinner. I don't remember. Leave me alone.

Oh! I know something I forgot to mention:

Remember how I said Tauren had run outside during the fight and no one noticed? Well, he threw up on our door. And off the porch. It would have been better if it had all been off the porch, but we weren't so lucky.

I guess that sums it up. We drank and somebody threw up. Sounds like I covered everything.

*I'm kidding! I completely support Focker's decision to marry Katie.

Very Funny

2008-06-17T18:37:00.003-04:00

Courtesy of RexKramerDangerSeeker - a true photoshop hack. The original is below. It was passed along to me by another TBL commenter and used here.

Is the photo real? Probably not, but who cares. At least we know the one above is. Tyson said he didn't want a cigar.

This Is U2, Right?

2008-06-12T22:21:00.003-04:00

The first time I saw this, sans audio, I thought it was Scott Weiland. I cursed my roommate out for changing the channel.

Then I saw the commercial with sound. Sounds like - looks like - smells like - U2. Apparently, it's not. It's Chris Martin and Coldplay.

Fuck if that's not a catchy song.

Ahh! Get out of my fucking head!