Warning: Contents May Be Hot

Gym Epiphany & Hiatus

2008-02-03T16:21:00.000-08:00

I had an awesome workout on Saturday at the gym. It was one of those "I don't want to stop" workouts, and I'm still sore. Actually, the gym I usually go to on Saturdays closed down, so I went to the one a few miles up the road. They have a pool and spa and everything! Someday, when I'm not trying to do ten million things at once, I'll have to try out the pool and spa.

Anyway, the epiphany I had is that I am way too busy to feel guilty about not updating this blog! All my weight and body image stuff is going on over at BFD anyway, and I'm not actively trying to lose weight right now; just trying to keep my head above water in terms of life, get my fruits and veggies, and work out as often as I can. I may very well be back, but for now, consider this blog on hiatus.

Health News

2007-11-14T22:56:00.000-08:00

I went to the doctor today for a physical, and I am officially healthier than I was last year. My cholesterol has gone from 207 (borderline) to 184 (normal) with a corresponding downward shift in my "bad" cholesterol. My "good" cholesterol (HDL I guess) is still the same, and is 44 when they want it at 50 or above. Not sure how to raise good cholesterol, but I'm sure some of you good people will be able to tell me.

My cholesterol has been borderline (in the 200 range) for a long time now, and it's incredibly gratifying to see it down at 184. I've lost 7 pounds over that same period, but most of that was in the last two weeks. Anyway, that's a 25-point lowering of my cholesterol, and that is a number really worth focusing on. WOO!

Week Two, Star One

2007-11-12T08:58:00.000-08:00

I got a little star on my bookmark this week, because I lost one more pound, bringing me to 5.2 pounds lost. I lost weight in spite of having another busy social week--plus, that 4.2 pound loss from last week was clearly not a fluke. So, good! Just gotta stick with it this week.

I actually got up and walked out of the meeting (not "in protest" or anything, but subtly) because the leader was talking about Thanksgiving strategies and how to deal with it and blah blah, and then she passed out Thanksgiving-decorated placemats with the phrase "nothing tastes as good as thin feels." I avoided rolling my eyes into the back of my head, but I did get up and leave. If I never read that sentence again, it'll be too soon.

Obviously I have nothing super exciting to say today, but I figured I'd come report my one-pound loss anyway. If I can keep losing one pound per week, I'll hit my goal (24 pounds) by my birthday (March). Go go go!

Extra Ticker Tape!

2007-11-04T11:20:00.001-08:00

I posted my last post to the book blog instead of this blog. Oops! I've done that before, though; the book blog has "pie" in the title so I guess I assume it's about food! Anyway, see below for the post that I made this week all about how this week sucked. I kept writing things down, but there were a lot of challenges this week. Did I mention the work meeting where they provided lunch, and all they had was pizza? Not even pizza and salad. Just pizza.

By some miracle, I managed to lose 4.2 pounds this week. Was it hormones? A fluke? Was I wearing super heavy pants least week? I can't figure it out. I did keep writing things down. I did walk a lot. I was mindful of my choices, even though they weren't always the best. I only ate one piece of Halloween candy all week. It was the first week, so maybe I "lost water weight" (whatever that means). I'm flummoxed. But I'm down to 244.0 so woo hoo!

My goal is to lose the first 10% (you know, where they give you a keychain) by my birthday, which is in March. That would mean a loss of 24 pounds, putting me down at 224.2. I hope that my reflux problems will clear up by then. (My knee hasn't been bothering me at all, actually; maybe exercise has helped it.)

Today after the meeting I went to TJ's and stocked up on those parfaits (I never got a chance to get them last week, since I went out, like, every night). I just had one for breakfast; mmm. I also bought a Weight Watchers cookbook (they were on sale) and hopefully we can find one or two new recipes in there. And by "we" I mean "Ian." I will cheer him on and wash the dishes after he cooks the things.

There was a woman at the meeting today who has been on Weight Watchers for two years and has lost 185 pounds. She passed around her "before" pictures and talked about how her purpose in life is to motivate people. The message was "don't quit." I have to say I was impressed by her. Who says Weight Watchers doesn't work? I guess if you see it as a "lifestyle change" and stay on it forever, it does! (That's kind of a scary thought, but it's true. Diets don't work; changing your habits does. I guess that's the takeaway there.)

Keep your fingers crossed that next week I maintain this magical 4.2 pound loss! Only 19.8 pounds to go.

Ticker Tape Parade To Come?

2007-10-31T11:19:00.000-07:00

So, this was probably the worst week in 2007 that I could possibly have started on Weight Watchers. Answer this question: what derails your weight loss efforts?

How about, social plans? I have three dinners out and one lunch out planned for this week. (And they're all too important to cancel.) I've tried to calibrate my choices and keep points in mind, but so far I have not been 100% successful.

Holidays, you say? A holiday involving candy? A holiday involving cookies and candy brought to my desk? I was able to say no to someone with candy, but the person who brought us giant chocolate chip cookies of appreciation, I did not say no to.

Perhaps stress? Well, this week my baby nephew has been in the hospital with an unidentified disease, getting blood transfusions. Yes. Somehow counting points CEASES TO FEEL IMPORTANT at those types of moments.

Also, work stress! One person on our team quit and so we're short staffed; we had a big meeting yesterday; our job descriptions are being discussed; I'm having my performance review... etc. etc.

So, yeah. I am still writing things down; still trying to keep my head above water. But man. If I just manage to maintain my weight this week, I'll throw myself a ticker tape parade.

2007-10-28T11:17:00.000-07:00

Well, I didn't do any of that stuff I said I was going to do the last time I posted (two weeks ago, was it?) It's still Sunday morning; I still have time to go to the gym today. That I should definitely do.

The truth is, I went ahead and went back to Weight Watchers this morning. What spurred this on was that this week, my knees started hurting. I walk up and down stairs all day at work and I found myself dreading the trip up the stairs because my knee was aching. And you know, I hope nobody thinks this is a betrayal of body positivity, but I think if I lose weight, my knee will stop hurting. I also think if I lose weight, I won't have to take Pepcid anymore. Both the knee pain and the Pepcid are new developments and I think I am just over the threshold where my body can be fat and fit. These little health things are worrying and I want to nip them in the bud. By dropping some weight. I don't want to get back to my highest weight of like 285 or whatever it was, or even my highest pre-WW weight of 264. I need to take back the night, as it were.

It feels very comfortable to be going back to Weight Watchers and I feel good about it. I think the principles of the program are very sound. If you do the Core plan, you don't have any food limits at all; you just have to eat the Core foods which have good energy density; the plan is based around foods that are high protein, high fiber, low fat, low carb. Lots of fruits and veggies. Who's gonna argue with that? I'm going to do the points, though. I think it's a good idea to emphasize the Core foods while you eat on the Flex plan. You end up eating a lot healthier in the end.

After the meeting (where I weighed in at 248 pounds, yes I said it) I went to Trader Joe's to try and get ingredients for my own version of the Starbucks fruit and yogurt parfait. Lo and behold, TJ's has their own fruit and yogurt parfait with nonfat Greek yogurt, awesome granola, strawberries and blueberries, and it is 90 calories less (and has more fiber) than the Starbucks version. Pointswise, it's only a one-point difference (it's 5 rather than 6 points) but it's definitely a better choice. Oh, and it's also like $1.50 cheaper!

I have to buy some more of those parfaits tomorrow night, and then bring them to work for the rest of the week. (I can't bring them tomorrow because I leave the house at 6:30 but don't get to a fridge at work until after 10 in the morning.)

Okay, I didn't mean to go on and on about parfaits. It's just that logistics (like the transportation of yogurt parfaits) are getting in the way of my life right now. For instance, I spent all day yesterday grading papers, and I still have a pile to do today. I get so consumed with schoolwork that I shove fitness and nutrition straight to the back burner.... it's not good. Maybe I should work fewer jobs or fewer hours... that's one of the goals for 2009, I think. But as for today, I guess if I can get these graded and get to the gym, today will be a win on both levels. Wish me luck.

Whither Contents?

2007-10-06T12:49:00.000-07:00

A couple of people have e-mailed and commented asking me what's going on with this blog; have I abandoned it? I haven't abandoned it, but I'm trying to figure out what to do with it.

It comes down to priorities and time management. At the moment I have a full-time job, plus I teach part time, plus I am trying to post at Big Fat Deal at least daily (my goal is twice daily but unless someone decides to give me a pile of money and I can quit one of my jobs...) I've toyed with the idea of doing personal posts on BFD occasionally, related to my working out or my eating or whatnot. I'm not sure if that would change the other blog too much, though.

Anyway, I'm leaning against that. In the meantime, I haven't been writing down my food or weighing myself. I've been exercising on the weekends for longer periods, since the week has been busy. Of course, I need to re prioritize, because I realize just in typing this that I need a better balance. I can't let the semester drag me down and keep me from working out and being healthy. Maybe I should start small and post a goal for the week and then come report back next weekend!

Okay, my goal for the week is to write down what I am eating (I'll consider it an assessment week) and work out for at least an hour. Oh, and I'll weigh myself, too. I'll be back and let you know how it goes.

Winning Some

2007-08-06T10:46:00.000-07:00

I decided today (after waking up in the wee hours with a severely dehydrated head) that I was going to have a detox week. I'm not sure what that entails, really. Last week I ate a lot of random and unhealthy things, probably didn't eat enough, and drank too much. So this morning I went to the grocery store and loaded up on healthy stuff. I'm going to try to drink a lot of water and little to no alcohol, and then hopefully I will be all detoxed! That's how it works, right? Oh, I will also get a massage and drink green tea.

I'm very stressed out about wedding planning, which is partly the reason for the drinking too much and eating in weird ways. But hopefully I can channel that into exercise. And green tea drinking. Except we don't have a tea kettle at home. (We registered for one, so maybe we'll get one after the wedding. I can relax then.)

The good news is, I went to the gym three days in a row: Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I did 22 minutes on Friday (I was tired, but I'd already skipped Wednesday so I need to make it up to myself), 32 minutes on Saturday, and a really awesome, sweat-filled, kickass 35 minutes yesterday. I love those workouts that make you feel really good.

I'm supposed to go again today. The thing is, during the week, I walk a lot to and from work, so I've already done some work by the time I hit the gym. That's been okay so far, but last week, they moved one of our departments downstairs and there are days when I'm up and down the stairs all day long. That's great and all (except it's not, it sucks and I hate it) but on a busy day (like Friday) it can really wipe me out. I think during the week, 20 minutes is a more realistic goal, and I can save my 30-40 minute workouts for the weekend.

I still absolutely need to find my hand weights and do some upper body workouts. Yesterday my friend h said she'd show me some basic exercises or something (she lifts weights and knows lots of important scientific personal trainer type things). At least I think she said she'd do that. I was really drunk at the time.

Look Over There!

2007-07-30T10:02:00.001-07:00

I have guest posted about my fitness regime--and something that happened to me at the gym yesterday--over at Elastic Waist. Enjoy!

Huffing (also see: Puffing)

2007-07-19T17:43:00.000-07:00

You may think that since I haven't said anything about it, I quit going to the gym. Well, that is untrue! In fact, I am on my fourth week of my MWF schedule and have not missed a day. (If I don't make it on one day due to social commitments, I go the next day.)

If I at home bored, and can't think of anything to do, it actually occurs to me to go to the gym. Last night I didn't feel like watching television; I felt like going to the gym. (I only made it 20 minutes, because it turns out I was pretty wiped out, but at least I made it.) I have mostly been doing 30-minute workouts. What's the next step, do you think--more days per week, or more minutes? It's an interesting conundrum.

I have found that the heart rate monitors on the machines vary wildly, and I need to buy my own, I think, just for consistency's sake. Shannonk tells me that you strap the monitors to your chest and they make tiny communications with a watch you wear. Strapping on a thing on my chest, however, smacks of effort. Sometimes it seems like a lot of effort just to change my shoes. So I am skeptical. We'll see.

Oh, and our podcast topic for this week was exercise. I don't remember what I said, but I bet I said something!

New elliptical playlist song: Everything but the Girl, "Five Fathoms"

Blah Blah Cardio

2007-07-03T10:00:00.000-07:00

I took Toni's advice to pust myself harder. Well, at least partially. (I'm referring to the comments of the previous entry in case you have no idea what I'm talking about.) I hit the gym last night and ended up on one of the ellipticals with arms. (The gym was pretty crowded.) I decided to try and see if I could get my heart rate up higher than my previous average (131-134) and sustain a workout at that rate.

With the arms, I was able to quickly get my heart rate up. In fact, I ended up at about 155 after a few minutes of warmup. I wondered, can I keep this going for a whole workout? I kept it up until the clock hit 25 minutes. I noticed I was sweating a lot more than usual (using the towel in the middle of the workout) so I could definitely feel the difference. And then I did a five-minute cooldown, which ended up being about 137 bpm. Higher than my previous average. I ended up with an average of 145.

Last night, I had to stretch a lot before getting to sleep. Today, my muscles are a little sore. I definitely feel like I worked out harder. I'm not sure if I could do this every time; I might have to work up to it. But I'm going to aim for the 140s next time and see how it goes.

This week I won't be going to the gym; I'll be going to my parents' house and using their pool. I'll definitely be mindful of the need to keep up my working out--do laps and so forth. But I love swimming so much that it feels like a total treat; not a workout at all.

Gym Report

2007-07-02T12:38:00.000-07:00

Not being sure what to aim for in terms of exercise, I decided to start small. My goal was three days a week, 20 minutes on the elliptical. I know I should go more, go longer, add strength training, etc. But really I just want to get back in the gym-going habit.

So far, it's been working out! I was aiming for a MWF schedule. I went for 20 minutes on Monday and 22 minutes on Wednesday. (I decided somewhat arbitrarily to add two minutes each time.) There was a big work party on Friday night so I didn't go on Friday, vowing to make up for it on Saturday.

On Saturday I drove to a gym farther away from my house. (The one near my house is in the middle of the Berkeley farmer's market on Saturday--no thank you.) That one was pretty empty and even more ghetto than my original gym. I got an old elliptical with a broken heart-rate monitor. Some of the other ones didn't even have heart-rate monitors.

Speaking of which, maybe some of you will know this: the "weight loss" zone for cardio is lower (a lower heart rate) than the "cardio" zone. Which one is healthier? What heart rate should I be aiming for? Right now I am aiming at 135 or thereabouts, right on the boundary of "weight loss" and "cardio" but I have no idea what this means. What does this mean?

A-ny-way. 30 minutes on Saturday; pretty good. I wasn't going to go on Sunday but then Sunday night I found myself bored, and what better to do than to hit the gym? It was awesome, I guess because it was Sunday night--plenty of parking, empty gym. I sadly forgot my iPod, but then I got sucked into Remember the Titans on cable, so it was okay. 35 minutes!

Today my legs hurt. I was trudging up the stairs and one of the producers was like "girl, you were struggling getting up those stairs." I immediately said I overdid it at the gym--I guess to avoid the "fat chick can't haul her fat ass up the stairs" impression. Yikes.

The One True Gym I Mournz It

2007-06-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

Well, that was faster than I expected! I went to the new gym tonight.

I've been hung up on logistics for a long time (the shower, the gym accoutrements, the timing) and tonight I just did the very easiest thing: came home from work, changed, got in my car, and went to the gym near my house.

The bad things about this gym: it is kinda ghetto. My old gym had beautiful high-def televisions and sanitizing wipes for the equipment and a rack of trashy magazines and lockers where your stuff was perfectly safe even if you didn't lock it. This gym has tiny televisions mounted in the corners, no sanitizing wipes to be seen, and no magazines. The lockers are in a shady area with signs plastered everywhere saying things like "THINK TWICE BEFORE PUTTING ANYTHING IN A LOCKER, EVEN IF YOU LOCK IT YOUR SHIT WILL PROBABLY GET STOLEN." They suggest fanny packs. Dear god.

I didn't realize I would need a fanny pack, a lock, or a subscription to Star Magazine, but I absolutely need all of the above. I also need new tennis shoes, as the ones I bought are painful and need to be returned. And sanitizing wipes.

All this being said, it was a great workout. I got a parking spot right in front of the gym (tragically, parking also sucks at this gym). There were plenty of free ellipticals and I hopped on one and queued up my "Elliptastic" playlist. As dorky as this sounds, I never allow myself to listen to the playlist, or to some of the individual songs, even, unless I am exercising. I don't want to wear out the energy of the song! So as soon as the playlist started, I was totally pumped.

(The song list is even dorkier. "Accidentally In Love" is one of the sacred Elliptical songs, and there's a clip of an American Idol performance to kick things off. It's, um, "I Think I Love You" by Constantine Maroulis. I know he's a tool. At this point it's Pavlovian: when I hear it, my heart rate goes up.)

I worked out for 20 minutes with an average heart rate of 134. I could have worked out longer but I don't want to overdo things on the first day! I am already excited to go back again. I had no idea how much I'd missed the gym. It turns out, I really had.

Still Here!

2007-06-25T14:56:00.000-07:00

People have been commenting and e-mailing because the blog feed is all mixed up with the book blog, and some of the archive pages were messed up. The problem with the archive should be straightened out; I may have to republish the book blog, but I absolutely do not want to risk losing those archives, so I will have to back it up first. As for the feeds, I sometimes accidentally post to the wrong blog, and that totally recently happened. If you're having any problems or issues with posts, feeds or archives let me know.

As for me, I joined a gym and am looking forward to getting back to elliptical training and biking this summer. (Oh, beautiful summer.) However, Ian gave me some horrible wasting disease and I am still sniffling, sneezing, and coughing all over the place. I've been trying to walk more; in fact, one day last week I was so purposeful in my "more walking" that I had jelly legs while walking home. Believe me, I am so lazy, that never happens.

I feel the desire to focus on exercise, and I am ready to hit the gym. It will be my first time at the gym by my house, so I will give you a full report. I am going to make it there this week. So stay tuned.

Argh!

2007-06-12T14:38:00.001-07:00

[Moved from the book blog, where I initially published it for some weirdo reason.]

I am having an annoying day. I just drank what I thought was a 20-ounce Cherry Coke Zero but it was regular Cherry Coke! Number one I can't have that much sugar; number two I did not enjoy it extra because I thought it was diet; number three what a waste of 260 calories. Ugh.

Slow Food

2007-05-01T10:38:00.001-07:00

One thing about me: I eat really quickly. And "they" (you know, them) say that you should spend at least twenty minutes eating so your brain thinks its full and blah blah. You've heard it before. My latest experiment has been trying to spend twenty minutes eating. It's kind of hard!

I've been getting six-inch turkey Subway sandwiches lately, and checking the clock when I unwrap them, and then trying to spend twenty minutes eating them. I can usually do it, but what I have to do is take a bite of the sandwich and then go read the internet or something for a minute, then another bite of the sandwich, etc. I have to distract myself, in other words, make myself forget the sandwich is right there! And I am hungry! And I want to eat it!

This morning I made myself a mashed-strawberry sandwich ("mashed-strawberry" sounds way cuter in Dutch) and tried to spend twenty minutes eating it. I only made it twelve minutes, but still--normally I could probably eat the whole thing in three minutes. So I guess that's progress.

So far it has made no discernable difference in how much food I eat for the rest of the day, but I will try to eat slow lunch today and even maybe slow dinner. I can drink a slow latte! And that will certainly... do... something.

I am feeling fat, bloated, hate my hair, hate my body, and in need of chocolate at the moment. Also, I weigh 242 pounds again (yesterday I weighed 240 so I don't know what's up with that). I am really tired of being this weight, if I can be honest with you. I would like to be back in the 220s; if I am going to stay the same weight, I may as well be stagnating at a weight that makes me happy.

I was considering joining Curves yesterday (it's evil, but it's a block from work) but they seem to be closed or remodeling or something. Then I was going to play Dance Dance Revolution, but I knew the dog would probably destroy my dance pad. I should have gone for a bike ride, but I guess I didn't think of it. Maybe I should hire a personal trainer. Maybe I should try joining the gym even though it's impractical. The semester is almost over, and over the summer, I will have extra time, and I will spend that time exercising. My friends, that is a promise.

And I Never Even Tried The Etouffee

2007-04-16T16:09:00.000-07:00

Remember that thing I said?
I am going out of town yet again this weekend. This is for work, though, and the trip will probably not involve that much eating. I think I managed to find a hotel with a fitness center, and even have ambitious plans to work out while I am gone

HAHAHAHA. Oh god, that is hilarious. Clearly I had no idea what I was in for, going to the south. I certainly had no idea I would make several brand-new friends and spend the weekend in outrageous fashion. I kept staggering home, very late, slightly drunk, exhausted, in no condition to work out or even form coherent sentences, and getting up extremely early in the morning for conference stuff.

The thing is, I've never been to the south before, and never tried southern cooking. So I wanted to try all these things that you can't get anywhere else! On Friday night I went to Phil's Oyster Bar right by my hotel and tried this divine spinach and artichoke dip (the chips were unbelievable; best chips I've ever had) and some fried crab fingers. And a salad, in an effort to try and balance out all the fried stuff. When I asked the server what a "po' boy" was, he looked at me like I was an alien and said, "WHERE are you FROM?"

By Saturday I'd met an extremely cool person who asked me if I wanted to hit the town with her. Our shuttle driver recommended a place downtown, Poor Boy Lloyd's, and I had a shrimp po' boy, which is a specialty of the house, and OH MY GOD. I will be dreaming about that sandwich. I also had fried pickle chips which were so divine. And I tasted my friend's red beans and rice (of which I am not a fan, but I figured I should taste it). We wandered the streets and ended up at a bar with live Zydeco music. I discovered a champagne-and-cranberry cocktail called the Poinsettia. My friend discovered that it doesn't need to be Mardi Gras in order to show someone your boobs.

Yesterday I actually restrained myself and had a salad for lunch, but then I wanted to try a beignet, so Eliza took me to an amazing little coffee shop where I tried chicory coffee, hot chocolate, a special kind of cafe au lait, and some beignets with powdered sugar. So good! Then for dinner, yet another new friend invited me to her place for crawfish and The Sopranos. And crawfish, it turns out, sit there on your plate in a pile of eyeballs and antennae, and you have to rip them apart and suck out the innards, so I think that might have been my one and only crawfish experience. They were tasty, but... yeah. Eyeballs. Antennae. I had to focus on the beer and not the crawfish. As soon as I started thinking about them too hard, I had to stop eating. But it didn't kill my appetite too much: after that we went out for pecan tarts. Again, oh my god. Words cannot describe.

The moral of this story is, if you are going to the south, you will make best friends immediately, and you will eat. A lot. And it will taste awesome. And then you will have to go home and go straight back to counting points. Oops.

Definitely Maybe

2007-04-12T13:35:00.001-07:00

My weight has been trending down this week and I've been doing well on my points. (I've been drinking too much wine, but have stayed completely away from dessert, which is an accomplishment and a half, believe me.) This morning I stepped on the scale and it was 238! Maybe it is a one-day dip, but it was very exciting, because my "official" weight would be at least a pound less than that. Which means I've lost ten pounds, or almost ten pounds, or something resembling ten pounds.

Also, last night my friends informed me that my jeans were "too big" and "kind of falling off" and they could see my underwear as a result. Doesn't that sound sexy and stylish? I know, totally. Fortunately I have these exact pants a size smaller, so I will try those on tonight in anticipation of wearing them to my conference this weekend.

Yes, although clearly I need to go to Weight Watchers to find out if I've lost ten pounds, I am going out of town yet again this weekend. This is for work, though, and the trip will probably not involve that much eating. I think I managed to find a hotel with a fitness center, and even have ambitious plans to work out while I am gone! But for now I am riding high on my theoretical ten pound loss. I'll let you know when I make it official.

This Is My Week

2007-04-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

I stepped on the scale three times this morning, and every time, the number went half a pound higher. Am I 241 this morning? 241.5? 242? Who can say? I had some debauchery this week though, and it is continuing through to today. But tomorrow is going to be the beginning of an awesome week, and next week I will see a 23X on my scale instead of a 24X. I am manifesting it right now.

Next week I am going out of town yet again, to Baton Rouge. I found a hotel with a fitness center, though, and I am planning to exercise. Of course, I also am not renting a car, so I will probably be doing a lot of walking regardless. That will be good. Speaking of walking, I am alone with the dog this weekend and he takes walks twice a day. With poop involved. But at least there are always new and interesting people in the park to say, "Wow, what a magnificent creature your dog is!" And similar. Like, how about complimenting me for a change, people?

I am continuing to step on the scale and weigh myself and realize that I have been maintaining the same weight (within a 2-pound range) for like a month now. That's why this week I'm going to make a real effort to see that scale move down. I can't stay here forever.

New Skill, New Site

2007-04-02T12:50:00.000-07:00

The brief update: I haven't been back to Weight Watchers in weeks, but I've been weighing myself every mornig on my own scale. Last week I was losing half a pound a day, and was 239.5 at one point; this morning I am back up to 240.5. My scale at home is about 1-1.5 pounds higher than the Weight Watchers scale, so I am probably at 239 or so this very moment. Anyway, I'm hanging in there. I'm getting really good at getting back on the wagon. (For example, after this weekend, which involved tapas and gelato and a trip to Los Angeles.)

But I have also been busy trying to get the new and improved Big Fat Deal off the ground. I hope you'll pop over and say hello; I'm pretty proud of it. The tragedy here is that I am obsessed with my Technorati rankings and I had just made it into the 50,000s instead of in the 60,000s. But I had to start over, and now my site is ranked in the 1,800,000s. If you would be nice enough to update your links (if you have a Big Fat Deal link somewhere), and help me get out of the millions, that would be awesome. Seriously.

Once I get the kinks worked out of BFD, I hope to pop up here more often. And get back to Weight Watchers this week to see where I really stand!

Alive and Kicking

2007-03-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

My internet connection at home has disappeared, which is why I didn't write last week. I weighed in last week one day early, because I knew I was going to go out on Saturday night and have a St. Patrick's Day binge. I figured I'd have lost weight since I did so well that week, but in fact I was up half a pound.

Since then, it has all been disastrous, from an eating perspective. I was on points for one day. In between St. Patrick's Day, PMS, my parents coming to visit, two birthday dinners, a birthday lunch, and just general falling-off-the-wagon-ness, I wasn't surprised to step on my bathroom scale this morning and estimate that I've gained about four pounds. (Why is it way easier to gain four pounds than to lose it?)

Of course the crucial thing is going to be going back to Weight Watchers tomorrow morning and getting back on the wagon. This week could have been the tipping point. But I'm still down overall from where I started, and as you know, this is a long-term plan, not a short term one. I won't be giving up.

However, this might be a good time to start shopping for an elliptical trainer! You think everyone's ditched their New Year's resolutions yet?

What It's Like

2007-03-15T14:41:00.000-07:00

You worry about how other people describe you. Are you "the heavyset girl"? Are you "larger"? "Overweight"? "Kinda big"? Are you, god forbid, "chunky"?

You look at other fat people and wonder if you are as fat, more fat, or less fat than they are. You look at hugely obese people and feel superior to them, until you remember you may one day become them. You wonder if you look as uncomfortable in your own skin.

You divide the world into Thin and Not Thin. You feel solidarity with the Not Thin, and vague distrust of the Thin.

You are hyperaware of every fat character on TV or in movies or in books. You see how they are portrayed-- lonely, desperate, and marginal. The rare positive portrayal makes you feel amazed and grateful. It feels like a reprieve.

You hate Renee Zellweger for talking about how "fat" she got for Bridget Jones. You hate Elizabeth Hurley for bashing Marilyn Monroe. You hate Gwyneth Paltrow for Shallow Hal. You hate that Jack Black is considered a sex symbol, while Mia Tyler is "Liv Tyler's fat sister." Of course, you love Queen Latifah.

You hate how the words "fat" and "ugly" are so often synonymous. You almost like the phrase "fat and ugly" because it implies the possibility of "fat and beautiful."

Your thin friend breaks up with someone and you don't really feel sorry for her. You know that you're the "fat friend" and she's the "skinny girl." It's the fat friend who can never get a date; the skinny girl can have whoever she wants. She gets Hugh Grant, and you'd be lucky to get Nick Nolte.

You know that no matter if you have "such a pretty face" or "a good personality," the majority of people won't look past your double chin and your flabby arms to figure that out.

You are the only one who seems to notice that Nicole Kidman looks like a chicken.

You browse personals ads, and every guy who specifies his preference for "slender" women (or "in-shape" or "athletic") makes you feel rejected. Every guy who says he wants a larger woman, you suspect of being a creepy fat fetishist. You know that no normal guy wants somebody just like you.

You hate Carnie Wilson. You hate every magazine article featuring Carnie fucking Wilson and how thin she is and how pretty she looks and how much she loves herself now. You think to yourself, "weight loss surgery is such a cop-out."

And then you think, "I wish I could afford it."

You cringe every time you are about to look at photos of yourself. You know what's coming--the inevitable picture where you look like an enormous cow and your friends say, "Oh, what a great picture of you!"

You worry about things that nobody else worries about. Fitting inside the booth at dinner. Being too fat for the amusement park rides. Sitting on your friend's couch and hearing a funny noise. Not being able to climb out of the backseat of a tiny car. Chafing.

Skinny people who complain about how they need to lose five pounds? You hate them. Slightly overweight people complaining about how fat they are? You hate them. You know it's irrational. You hate them anyway.

You feel uncomfortable anytime you hear a fat joke. You feel like it happens constantly. You feel like fat jokes are an acceptable form of cruelty. You see them everywhere.

People say things to you all the time. People yell, "Jenny Craig!" and "Wilson Phillips!" at you on the street. Little kids say, "Mommy, that lady's fat!" Even in foreign countries where fat is more acceptable, you hear, "You're a very beautiful lady but how much do you weigh?!" The worst part is, you're never alone when it happens. Other people hear it too, and all you can do is pretend like hell you didn't hear a thing. And you know your friends are standing there thinking, "I hope she didn't hear that..."

Then later you wish you had told them off. You wish you had turned to them and said, "Oh, are you saying I'm fat? Oh my god! I'm FAT?? I had NO IDEA! Thank god you were here to enlighten me!" Or maybe just ask them very quietly, "Why did you just say that? Was that supposed to be funny? How is that funny?" Or even an offhand, "Fuck you, asshole!" Maybe said with a laugh, like you don't even care.

You never see a body like yours portrayed as sexy or attractive. Not anywhere. Not by anyone. You stop believing you are sexy or attractive.

You hate anything that calls attention to your size. Trying on friends' clothes, putting on seat belts and having to adjust them, a muscular friend who can pick you up but can't lift you very far off the ground. A dozen things a day, it seems.

You hate to eat or drink in front of anyone. You are afraid you will be judged as pathetic if you eat a salad, or a disgusting pig if you eat a cheeseburger. All you know is, your choices will be judged. You're fat. Food is your enemy.

You wish you were invisible.

* * *

This is not me.

Don't get me wrong: I have felt all of those ways listed above. I have had all of those experiences. But that paints a very bleak picture of a very depressing life, and you all know that's not the way I do things around here.

I do have, however, an inner fat girl. She is the part of me that hates my body-- even my new, slimmer body. She is responsible for the times I look in the mirror and see unattractive bulges instead of womanly curves. She is the one doing the constant compare-and-contrast. She makes me tired.

Since the beginning of the year, I have been losing weight. I have gotten ever-closer to being the normal sized person I want to be, who doesn't have to struggle with these issues. But I also feel like I have betrayed my inner fat girl. I have betrayed her, and I am running away from her, because she makes me sad.

There's an alternative--I just don't know how to get there. I don't know how to convince her that she's wrong about everything. I don't know how to tell her that she was beautiful all along.

Never Let Go, Jack

2007-03-11T11:07:00.000-07:00

Wow, so much has happened since the last time we spoke! I went to Weetacon, which did in fact involve such things as custard, brats, Joe Rouer's burgers, french fries, and alcohol. Mostly alcohol.

The first two days of Weetacon (traveling day and the first day I was there) were actually on target for points, mostly. (Again, it was the flow of alcohol that did me in.) Then I sort of threw caution to the wind and drank and ate the world. (I tried to make smart choices, but it wasn't always super smart.)

Even the trip back was a little unfortunate; I had a Whopper Jr. in the Milwaukee airport because I was exhausted, starving, and tired. Not the best choice. At least I didn't do my usual trick of drinking Coke Classic on the airplane. (Why? Because it's free. Yeah, I don't know. Drinking and eating with friends in Green Bay bars and awesome restaurants, okay. Wasting points on an airplane ride by yourself is just stupid.)

I came home and got right back to it, though. For two days I was five points under each day. Then I had two days where I was right on points. However, yesterday I began feeling bloated and craving chocolate to the point of madness. I ate half a box of Door County fudge. This morning I am still bloated--I had more fudge for breakfast. And some chocolate milk. I went to Weight Watchers and had gained 1.6 pounds from where I was two weeks ago.

Now my stated goal was to maintain my weight loss, which didn't happen. What you don't know is that my stealth goal was to stay under 240, which I did, just barely: 239.6. I've still lost 7 pounds overall, and this hormonal thing can't last forever. Today is my Flex points day and then for the rest of the week, it's back on the wagon again.

I was in the hospital a while back with gastritis and it came back this week, bad. I'm taking Prilosec and continuing to try and lose weight (my theory is if I lose weight, it will go away) but I also need to make a doctor's appointment. Everything I ate and drank this week has been overshadowed by these gastric issues. I am feeling better today and hopefully can have a glass of wine at my dinner party tonight.

So that's all the news that's fit to print. I did meet my main goal, which was to not give up. So here I am, back again, not giving up. I'll never let go.

Standard

2007-02-25T10:46:00.000-08:00

I remember the last time I did Weight Watchers, my "standard" weight loss was 2.6 pounds per week. For some reason, I saw that number a lot. This time around, it's been very schizophrenic--down 2, up 2, down 6, no change. But this week I got into the groove--I ate a ton last Sunday, including a burger and fries, spending all my flex points. The rest of the week I was right on track, for the most part. And then today my loss was 2.6 pounds.

I am happy with that, of course, but I am more focused on what's going to happen next week. I am going on vacation, to Weetacon, and there will be much eating and drinking, I am completely aware of that. I've already decided that my goal is to maintain my weight loss--I am not going to try and lose any more. I am also going to go to a meeting while I am there, as I did with the Disneyland trip. It kept me on track then, and it will keep me on track now. I also am going to write down what I eat, even if it's a horrorshow of epic proportions. And of course, I am going to try and keep the focus on fun and friendship, and not food. And I will dance a lot.

I originally wanted to lose 10 pounds before Weetacon--well, I've lost 8.6, which is pretty good. My next goal is to maintain this weight loss during my vacation. And my goal after that is keep going to Weight Watchers no matter what happens.

If you guys have any other suggestions for keeping weight off during a vacation, I am all ears. In the meantime, I bought smaller jeans for the trip, and they totally fit me.

South Beach vs. Weight Watchers

2007-02-20T12:35:00.000-08:00

In the comments to this post, composer asks:

I know you've done a bit of South Beach too. Can you tell me what you think of each and why you chose WW again? I've been a WW, done well, and then had a baby and it just doesn't seem to work for me anymore. It's like a game, but I know all the ins and outs and so I cheat. I was wondering if South Beach may be a good alternative, even if just to jump start me into better habits. Just curious of your thoughts. Thanks.

Well, good question! I read the South Beach book and the logic of the diet made a lot of sense to me. When I started the diet, the first phase was really difficult but it did indeed help jump start me—I lost about 10 pounds in those first two weeks, and learned some good habits about cutting down carbs. I still eat far less bread than I did before I did South Beach and it has changed my life regarding sugar (see below).

However, I learned some bad habits also. Once I was out of the first phase, and could eat whatever low-carb foods I wanted, I found that there were no built in controls, like the points in Weight Watchers, to tell me when enough is enough. Probably my downfall was low-carb ice cream, but I also ate way too much cheese and other fatty, high-calorie foods. I began to gain weight again and in the meantime, had developed a liking for things like 2% milk (when I'd only had nonfat before) and an addiction to cheese that also I'd never had before. Ultimately, I decided that I needed the structure and accountability of Weight Watchers. It worked for me before; I assume it will work again. And so here we are.

One thing that South Beach did for me was to teach me that my body reacts badly to sugar. In fact, when I cut down on sugar for that diet, my chronic, constant cystitis completely cleared up. This is the only thing that has ever helped me, apart from antibiotics, which I'd been taking for at least five years on and off. As a result, I have continued to eat a low-sugar diet. I still love sweets, but I eat them in very limited quantities, or Splendafied. If I spend a day eating a lot of sugar, I have to take my antibiotic again. This is not something any doctor predicted and I did get my blood sugar tested for diabetes as a result of this strange phenomenon. I did not have elevated blood sugar, but obviously a low-sugar diet is better for my body, and so I've stuck with it.

I hope that answers your question! Again, I can only speak for myself; you might find South Beach to be just the diet you need. I found it to be on the whole a very logical, sensible, and liveable approach to changing your diet. It just wasn't for me.