Levi and tribe

New Life

2009-04-11T21:24:00.003-05:00

This post is long over due. It tells of what Stacy and I experienced last November. Please read it. It's impacted our lives immensely and our hope is that it would touch others too.

We were six and a half weeks pregnant when the bleeding started. Thanksgiving was only a week and a half a way. We were waiting till then to tell our families in person that we were expecting number three. It had already been a rough week of sickness, sleepless nights, and stress. The sense that our family was being attacked spiritually was very real. And in the midst of this battle, this storm that we were in, came the realization that the smallest and most vulnerable of our family was in trouble. We cried out to God for help and protection, praying and hoping that the bleeding would not be enough to end the pregnancy. We shared what was happening with some close friends from our church who prayed for us and offered their love and support. We felt strengthened and loved, but we were still broken inside.

The bleeding became heavier and the hope that we would be able to know and love this child here on earth faded away. We mourned and we cried. We knew that our child was in God’s hands. We knew that God was in control, but it still hurt. It was hard. We never before experienced such pain of loss before as a couple. I struggled inside, because I couldn’t lift Stacy up. I couldn’t make it all better for her. In my attempt to “cope” I tried with all my strength to function normally. But, that just made things worse. Our communication deteriorated and as a couple we began to feel very disconnected.

Less than one week after Stacy miscarried, she had a migraine. We were spending the evening with friends, working on getting a new church building ready for the first Sunday service. Some people offered to pray for Stacy’s migraine, she accepted. While she was receiving prayer, our pastor, Wade, pulled me aside and asked me “how I was doing?” I told him, “not good.” And began to explain to him how I was struggling to cope and the toll it was taking on our marriage. He counseled me and told me that it was okay for Stacy and me to just be broken together. I needed to hear that. I needed that permission. I felt like it was up to me to hold our family together through this. I had to face the reality that I was in no position to do that. I was broken too. Thankfully, there was someone greater than me already at work binding up our wounded hearts.

The rest of the story Stacy needs to tell in her own words . . .

While they prayed for my head, my mind was elsewhere. I was seeking something, anything about the miscarriage. Suddenly, I had a vision from God.

I was sitting on a bench, slumped over, feeling down. Jesus appeared in front of me, slightly larger than life size, dressed in simple white cloth. He got down on one knee in front of me, with a soft gentle look on His face. He received from me a full term healthy baby, also wrapped in white, and began to stand, as though to take this baby with Him.

At this point, I began sobbing. I was immediately confused. Where did this baby come from? I did not hand Jesus my baby; in fact, I never had the opportunity to hold my baby in my arms. Then it made sense. The baby I had to offer was one that I held only in my womb, not my arms. But the baby Jesus accepted was restored, made full and complete and healthy. God gave me this image so that I could begin to understand that our baby does live in Heaven. It is easier for me to imagine a healthy full term baby surviving on his own in Heaven than the tiny baby that we lost.

I have revisited this image a thousand times since I saw it, and have shared it with Levi. He has begun to make a sketch, so that he too can see it, and we can keep this image in physical form. I have gained so much comfort, knowing that our baby was delivered to Heaven in the arms of Jesus, and has been restored to health. This baby will never know the pains and trials of this world, and is waiting for us in Heaven.

God is real, and wanting to be close to us. He is our comfort. This vision has changed my relationship with Him. And through this comfort from our Father, my relationship with Levi has come back to life. We are no longer focusing on our loss. Instead, our focus is on our Wonderful God, our gift waiting for us in Heaven, and how we can share this experience with others to offer encouragement. We praise God for this hope He has given us, and pray that He will bless us with more children in the future.

September photos

2008-09-30T06:49:00.000-05:00

August photos

2008-08-31T10:24:00.000-05:00

light

2008-08-09T23:54:00.006-05:00

I made this little video awhile ago using Windows Movie Maker. Most of the pictures are from Door County, WI. The song is a David Crowder tune. My prayer is that people would see the light and not run from it.

Why is the sky blue?

2008-08-07T07:36:00.004-05:00

I recently had it explained to me that when the white light that is emitted from the sun hits water droplets in the atmosphere, it refracts, and out of the full spectrum of light that results blue is the highest frequency of light that our eyes can see. This explanation scientifically made sense to me. It is what I learned in school, way back when. However, when I asked Noah why he thought the sky is blue, his answer impressed me much more than anything found in a text book. He told me that blue is his favorite color and that God made the sky blue just for him.

Psalm 19:1

"The heavens declare the glory of God,
and the sky above proclaims his handiwork."

July photos

2008-07-29T00:42:00.001-05:00

a poem of mine

2008-07-01T05:44:00.003-05:00

I wrote this poem a couple years ago for a Systematic Theology course. I dusted it off recently and thought I'd share it with you all. Its on the topic of God's omniscience, His all-knowing, all-seeing attribute. Enjoy.

You See

You see.
You see me.

You see me, 17.
On the park bench in the still of the night
Crying out to you.
Asking for strength
To fight the dark things inside.

You see me, 19.
On my knees
Surrounded by turning trees
And falling leaves,
Turning from me,
Falling on you.

You see the propped up ego
The self I still cling to.
The foundation,
The façade,
That is crumbling
Under the weight of your reality.

You see my thoughts,
The thoughts that I thought
I could get away with thinking.

You see.
You see me.
The me that I want to be,
Not the me that I was,
But the me that you created me to be.

You see.
You see me.
Through the blood
Of the one who set me free.
Thank God,
I am free!

3, 2, 1. . . blast off!

2008-06-22T06:01:00.002-05:00

This week Noah went to Vacation Bible School. He loved it. He was very, very excited about going to school. It was in the afternoon, which was torture for him, because he asked all morning if it was time to go to school yet. He even got his backpack and stuffed it with a couple of bibles, one he said was for singing. Then he tried to convince me that he could walk there all by himself. He graciously obliged to let me take him in the stroller with his sister. He really enjoyed being around so many kids. At least thats how I interpreted all the smiling, hopping, running, and dancing he was doing. It was like his body just couldn't contain all the excitement and energy. It was an outer space theme, so all week Noah shouted 3, 2, 1 . . . blast off!

June photos

2008-06-16T10:18:00.001-05:00

May Photos

2008-05-24T22:40:00.002-05:00

April Photos

2008-05-14T23:08:00.002-05:00

theology of a two year old

2008-05-12T00:59:00.006-05:00

There is something so refreshingly delightful about the faith of a child. When kids combine their unbounded imagination, unvarnished world view, and simple reasoning to matters such as God, heaven, and creation; the result is a theology that is playfully brilliant and pure. Noah in days gone by has thrilled my heart with some of his questions and ideas pertaining to God. So I am compelled to share these, for no other reason than to have them in writing. These nuggets of wisdom I don't want to forget.

Jesus over to play.
Last summer, Noah was two and he understood, probably from listening to Stacy and I pray, that we were always inviting Jesus to come and be with us - asking for more of God's presence. Well he was all over that. When we would eat Noah would ask if Jesus could come eat at our house. Noah would even pick out where he would sit. We would be outside playing and Noah would ask me if Jesus could come over and play with him. Noah had plans on showing him his toy room and having all sorts of fun. I told him how awesome that would be, and how Jesus would really enjoy that.

One ticket to Heaven please.
Like any two year old, Noah was full of questions. One day Noah asked me, "where does God live?" Like any good student of theology I began to explain to him the omnipresence of God, how God is too big to be in just one spot, that he is everywhere, and yet through the Holy Spirit that indwells those who believe in him, that God can actually live inside of us. Well for some reason he just looked at me with this confused, glossed over look. So, I took another approach and simply said, "Heaven." Then I could tell that Noah was trying to wrap his mind around what Heaven was like. I shared with him my thoughts, but he concluded that Heaven probably had lots of toys. That God probably had lots of cool toys and that Jesus had an airplane to take us there. After he reached these conclusions Noah would occasionally tell us that he wanted to go to Heaven and ride in Jesus' airplane.

"Good Job God!"
One fall afternoon, Noah and I were driving out into the country and we got into a conversation about trees, birds, and how God made them all and the special things they do. I then began to explain to him how God made mommy, daddy, baby Chaya, and him too--that God makes everyone different and special. From the back seat I then hear Noah shout, as if to ensure that God heard, "Good job God!"

Mark 10:15
"Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it."

happy birthday "gramps"

2008-04-23T20:42:00.002-05:00

Today was my birthday. I'm 27 years old. The thought of nearing 30 scares me. Noah, calms my fears by informing me that I'm now old enough to be called "grandpa". Thanks Noah.

March photos

2008-04-01T07:23:00.000-05:00

February Photos

2008-03-01T15:59:00.003-06:00

desperate?

2008-02-04T16:10:00.002-06:00

Once again my son, Noah, has enlightened me. I need to depend on God as much as Noah depends on me. To me that seems overwhelming. As a 3 year old, Noah tells me that he needs me constantly throughout the day. Sometimes I wish he would be more independent. But maybe its more my problem. Maybe in my "grown-upness" I've lost that ability to be vulnerable - to be needy. Maybe I need to reacquire a child-like dependence upon God - to say "I need you!" a thousand times a day. That type of dependency does not overwhelm God, in fact it delights His heart.

Lord, give me your heart. I want that level of compassion to burn within my chest so that I can share with others the extravagant, selfless love that you have shown me. Help me to receive from you Lord. Help me to realize my deep need for you. Help me to be needy, to be desperate, pathetically desperate for you. Father. . . "I need you."

Matthew 6:8
"Your Father knows what you need before you ask Him."

January Photos

2008-02-01T23:02:00.000-06:00

birds in flight

2007-12-20T05:06:00.002-06:00

The trip from our back door to the garage is about 20 yards. And ever since the temperature has dropped below freezing I've made it into a twenty yard dash. It's cold and our destination is not the frozen tundra of our backyard. It's point "X" where we will for sure have fun, and/or do something far more important than anything that can be done in twenty yards of a yard. My dashing through the snow however always ends with the inevitable wait. My not so fierce competitor in this race to get to the garage is my 2 yr old son, Noah. He at times could be classified as poky.

Our most recent race ended in a tie for first. I had graciously carried Chaya, our 9 month old baby girl, to the finish. After celebrating the victory, by opening the garage door, Chaya and I went back out to cheer Noah on. Something, however, silenced any prodding words. It was the look on his face. He was standing there, just steps away from our back deck, hands in coat pockets, head tilted back, eyes squinted, looking into the sky. And he was smiling. I could now hear the sound of birds chattering in our backyard pine tree and fluttering about the yard and the sky above. This is a sound that I was deaf to before. I looked at Chaya and she gave me a sweet little smile. I realized at that point that I was the only one in a hurry. It wasn't that cold out. Destination "X" could wait.

I watched as Noah tried to chase the birds with his eyes as they flew around him. He pointed at them and told me that he was "watching eagles." I smiled. Again, something kept me from enlightening him that they were actually just sparrows. It didn't matter to him what they actually were. At that moment they were eagles soaring, high up in the sky, right in his own back yard. I wasn't watching the birds. I was watching my son. I was soaking up the delight that was on his face. I was looking at the boy I once was, the boy that had gotten lost somewhere on the road to adulthood.

As I write this conviction is swelling up inside me. Why am I in such a hurry to get stuff done? And all it is is stuff. Stuff fills up my day, distracts me, and squelches the fire in my soul. Why does the pace of my life need to be so fast? As I run this race, what's more important, coming in first or the people who are running with me? When Jesus said that if we want to be a part of his Kingdom, that we ought to have the faith of a child. I believe that this is the essence of that statement. Children are carefree, not out of ignorance, but because they have a no nonsense approach to believing in God. They're not bogged down by faithless worries, irrational fears, and doubt. The faith of kids is pure, real, simple. God wants us to have that type of trust in Him so that we can fully enjoy the life He has given to us. He wants us to stop and marvel at his creation, whether that is birds in flight or the little children that are flying with them.

Matthew 6:26
"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"