Missed Connections

A Missed Connection Callback...

2007-04-27T16:36:00.000-07:00

w4m: Hi. I accidentally walked into the Starbucks men's restroom yesterday. It was at the Bridgeway Drive location, at around 4 pm. Could the gentlemen at urinals 4, 7, and 12 give me a call?Carol (717) 682-50--p.s. #5, you're flying standby. Hello. Carol? Hey, I’m good. My name’s Gregory. I noticed your missed connection and thought I’d give you a call. Well, that’s what I was

I farted, and—I’m pretty sure—ruined the mood

2007-04-23T21:15:00.000-07:00

W4Whomever: My name’s Gretchen and I live at 1228 Feldling Drive, Brisbane, CA. I’ve got a 12-pack of Pabst and my underwear off—first one through this door gets some poon. --Gretch p.s. There may be an honorable mention awarded. m4w-- Hi! This is for Katrina. My name’s Jacques. We met in the elevator at the Doubletree Hotel in Seattle, Washington. On our “ride” to the lobby, you

$40 OBO

2007-04-22T20:55:00.001-07:00

WANTED: Entry-level, CEO-salary positions available! No experience necessary (three to five years in-house experience preferred though, as well as a knowledge of Quark, Excel, Dreamweaver, and Latin)! One of the country’s fastest-growing and most stable industries needs aggressive self-starters who think creatively and take excellent direction in a laid-back, high-octane atmosphere! Only the

If You Weren't Barren and Loveless...

2007-03-06T01:18:00.000-08:00

October 31st, 1806 Josephine, I think I may have found somebody else. Someone more attractive and more adventurous than you in the bedroom (God, is she ever adventurous. Do you know what she can do with her bustle and two bottles of red wine? Whew. I’ll tell you later…). And you should see her lithe, alabaster legs stark naked in Vienna’s moonlight. Like a pair of well-crafted German

I am a Mess Without You!

2007-02-27T22:49:00.000-08:00

November 3rd, 1978 Sabrina, My Sun, My Life! Woe! Woe! Woe! Three times, three times woe! How my heart and whole body aches! Where are you, my Love? You said you would write me everyday, yet I have not heard from you. Have you found someone else? Tell me his name and I will flay his face-skin, wearing it as a mask so you may love us both! Look, Sabrina, look at how jealous I’ve become!

Tough Cookies, Sister

2007-02-26T13:09:00.000-08:00

October 10th, 1806 Josephine, Listen: if I hear so much as an unsubstantiated rumor that you’re even looking at anything that reproduces, I will march back to Paris this instant and strangle it to death in front of your sex-crazed eyes, you sex-crazed devil-woman. You love only ME. Got that? That means no touching, talking to, hearing, or looking at anything else. Ever. I’m having

Love is a Gulag

2007-02-25T22:00:00.000-08:00

March 12th, 1948 Cher Beatrice, How I wish I was this letter! That I was held so sweetly in your hands! So caressed by your gentle eyes! Tell me, dahling, what you’ve been up to. Tell me how much you miss your little schmoopsy! Here in Moscow "we’re" initiating peasant collectivization for increased agricultural output. BOring. You should see how these kulaks whine! I say, “You don’t

Love Letters From Dictators

2007-02-23T18:58:00.000-08:00

September 18th, 1978 My Love, My Light, My Sabrina! Cambodia has not been the same since you left, my dearest Darling! War no longer slakes my manly thirst. Now, I crave a much more violent and divine elixir! It is YOU! I must have you before my loins burst their fleshy prisons! Come back to me, Sweetest! For I will build an entire city in your stunning and sexy honor! And the town’s

Scenarios in Which I Quit

2007-02-22T22:29:00.000-08:00

I ask Assistant Manager Matt Feinard to cover my register for a quick bathroom break. He, of course, refuses, citing his excuse: “I'm sorry, Buddy, but I’m really really busy.” I nod and when he turns, take a dump in the grocery bag of the next customer, charging them $7.99 for the pleasure. I ask down the line if anyone is purchasing toilet paper—offering them cuts as a trade. I wait for the

Lame Bragging from the New Guy

2007-02-20T20:59:00.001-08:00

http://mcsweeneys.net/2007/2/19lacrampe.html

Walter Payton and the Vienna Boy's Choir

2007-02-14T21:58:00.000-08:00

Hi, I approached you at Tin Lizzie’s and I offered to buy you a drink (Vodka Tonic, if I remember). You told me to go to Hell. Well, I’m fucking here…now what? Todd 312-661-90-- Bonjour, this is for the little Lady at the Stardust lounge playing the slots last night. I’m the Kool Kat who spilled my drink all over your friend and then offered to have her dress dry-cleaned (I also told you

Hilda's Dildas

2007-02-12T21:43:00.000-08:00

Hi. Gretchen, it’s Steve. As you probably know from the phone calls and freeway billboards, I’m madly in love with you. I have been for a number of degrading and tortuous years. 787 days, 10 hours, and 6 minutes, actually. Yes, it’s that kind of torture—the one where you count the days and hours and minutes of your maniacal depression. Well, I’m tired of it. I bought a voodoo doll from this

We Could Be Pyrotechnical Together

2007-02-11T20:59:00.000-08:00

M4WFor the blind cutie eating out at Bennigans last night: I was the 5’8”…I mean, 6’3” acne-riddled…sorry, tanned heartthrob—with rail-thin…ahem...athletic arms and a broken…I mean, perfect smile.Anyways, can I take you out for a night on the town? Or perhaps a relaxing meal in my parent’s basement (it doesn't really matter, right?)? --Martin (656) 435-76-- Call me if you read this...oh...

Take 'er Easy

2007-02-07T21:49:00.000-08:00

The Lady in Leather Skirt and Boots w/ the banging body on Telegraph,Okay, so you’re not a whore (yet). But I’m telling you, we could make some big money together…set your own hours; work from home! --Wolf (The 1200 block of Telegraph) w4m: My name’s Esmerald and I caught sight of you way back during the 1924 World’s Fair out there in St. Louie (we necked near the Tilt-a-whirl). Anyhow,

Sorry for the Incidental Boob Touch

2007-02-06T21:55:00.000-08:00

This is for Mandy at Mulligan’s last night: As I was about to say before your boyfriend started sling-shot-ing punches to my face, my name is Peter. Hi. --Peter p.s. He seems violent. You should dump him.Give me a call and we’ll talk about it. (sorry for the incidental boob touch). (717) 645-88--w4m: You were the guy who accidentally (I hope) ran over his neighbor’s dog. I was the woman who

Heart Shards

2007-02-05T20:48:00.000-08:00

This isn’t a romantic Missed Connection or anything. I’m just looking for the whereabouts of my dear, dear friend Bob Wienkle.Bob? Hey there, buddy. How are you? You well?God, Bob, I'm so lonely. I sure do miss you, buddy. Miss you a lot. We had some good times, didn't we? Remember...heh, heh...remember that time I broke my right leg in something like six spots and you just cradled me in your

Ugly Guy

2007-02-04T21:32:00.000-08:00

All right Mr. Wexley, let’s just have a look at your resume here. Wow. This looks great. I see you worked with Eli in Watches. Wowsers. Impressive stuff. I’ve got to say, this is perfect. You’re just what we’re looking for. An exact fit. Now, I want to tell you a little bit about the role. It’s a small part, but it’s a meaty one. Let me just set the scene for you: Ben Stiller and Kate Hudson have

The Greedy Beaver

2007-02-01T21:44:00.000-08:00

This is for a George Mendes (sp?): My wife and I picked you up from the corner of Van Buren and 12th Street last weekend, and we took you home so you could have sex with my wife while I watched from the shadows. Thing is, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. I mean, was there some kind of spark between us or what?Anyway, having a bit of trouble finding you (do you guys have your own

Man4All the World's Available Poonanny!

2007-01-31T21:11:00.000-08:00

Hi. My name is Cindy Sweets and I’m on the lookout for that sssssimmering sexpot in glasses and the Chronicles of Narnia tee I saw over at Best Buy. Your pasty flab and raw masculinity leave me begging for a pounding.Call me, let's talk for hours. I’ll be wetting for you….1-900-Licks-It Man4All the World’s Available Poonanny:Ladies! The Legend’s out of his relationship and looking to

The Flying Pig

2007-01-29T23:38:00.000-08:00

This is for Brandy Tomlinson: We went out to TGIF’s for Jack Daniel’s appetizers last week and then I walked you back to your apartment.Okay. I just found out that do you want a cup of coffee is some sort of code for sex. And, in that case, sweet Jesus, YES, I want a cup of coffee!Extra cream, please. –Max For any large-nostrilled woman:The name’s Hunter, and my top fantasy? The Flying

And Now for Something Somewhat Different...

2007-01-28T21:57:00.000-08:00

Dictation Emily, can you please come in here? Ah, there you are. Emily, I need to dictate a letter for a Mr. Markmen over at Swathgard & Leland’s, if you would be so kind. Thank you, dear. [Ahem] Begin letter: Dear Mister Markmen comma new paragraph I am writing to you today to express my utter shock--no change that to disgust please, Emily--I am writing to you today to express my utter

Rock that Shit Out

2007-01-25T20:16:00.000-08:00

Sarah? Hi, this is Phillip. I met you on the 106 Bus on Friday. You were telling me all about your current love situation—about your run of rotten luck and lovers, how you keep meeting the same guy and he keeps not wanting to get serious or commit and how he eventually leaves you for your best friend…You seem alone and vulnerable. I like that. I think we’re perfect for each other... Anyways, I’

Caught Jerking Off in Sears

2007-01-24T19:37:00.000-08:00

m4w--For the lady who caught me jerking off in the fitting room at Sears: my apologies—but did you have to call me “a piece of shit pervert”??? --Perv from changing room #6p.s. You wouldn't happen to be free this...oh, nevermind...Hey there Boys! Like to party rough? I sure as fuck do! I’m a skank-ass nympho slut who just loves to get ploughed and rototilled from both ends by complete and

1/24 Greetings Your Honor

2007-01-24T08:50:00.000-08:00

Hey, my name’s Christopher and yours was Marla. We met 3 days ago at John Barleycorn’s. You took me back to your place and I fucked you a couple times. We didn’t really hit it off, but the thing is, I left my watch (it was a gift from someone special). Maybe you can send it? I’ve got a P.O. Box: 3455. Thanks. For Judge Edith Viscuiso: Greetings, your Honor. I was yesterday’s case # 112

1/23 Pre-Noon Drinking

2007-01-22T22:25:00.000-08:00

Jenny? Are you reading these things? I bet you are. God, you’re so pathetic. Fucking whore. You make me sick you know that? These things are for sickos and perverts—you should fit right in. Slut. Call me if you read this. I really REALLY miss you. <3--Jim (you know the number)p.s. I'm just going to ask you one more time: Did you fuck Kevin or not, because I am going fucking nuts over this.