Why do I love my life so much?

Bend or Break...

2008-02-27T00:57:00.000-08:00

We have been having a lot of storms here in Kentucky of late. Tornadoes that leave great century old trees looking like jagged standing toothpicks... the tops twisted out. It is a sight that tugs at my heartstrings to recall. Some of the cedars trunks simply split with half of the tree laying on the ground.

Not all of the trees respond the same way. I also have bamboo. I know it isn't exactly a tree but palm trees have the same quality as bamboo. It is in its nature to bend, to surrender to the winds, even to kiss the ground in prostration. Then it springs back up.

I have been watching the same variety of stance in a chat line I am on. Someone with a contrary point of view starting posting and the usual calm was disrupted. Some members began defending "our" perspective with vehemence. Their force was met with equal or greater opposing force. And the battle grew. Eventually someone suggested simply letting go of our end of the rope. Let the comments stand as a perspective and move on. It was like the trees that broke under the strain of opposition and those like the bamboo who let the criticism blow through and by.

I have been noticing a similar struggle in myself recently. I have been in resistance to life. I was allowing constriction or apparent rejection to break my spirit. The more I tried to fight back with a positive attitude, the more I withdrew. I thought I knew better but I couldn't do better.

Today I noticed that I felt better when I went to work seeing clients. I was looking outside myself by helping someone else instead of pondering my predicament. Then tonight I read about how the palm trees bend in the hurricane force winds, down to the ground if need be, only to rise up again.

The shift really came when I moved from a belief that the world was against me to wondering about how the world might be conspiring on my behalf. As I protected myself against perceived adversity, I was broken of spirit. When I felt myself flex and bend it was like the sap of life started rising again.

So for now I am being Bamboo. Inspired by its nature, I again feel how much I love my life.

How many plates can you....

2008-02-20T06:43:00.000-08:00

How many plates can you keep spinning in the air at once? Remember the variety acts on the Ed Sullivan Show where someone would get a plate spinning on stick and keep it spinning while spinning more and more. I know I date myself. Younger readers probably don't even know who Ed Sullivan was.

I rise this analogy to illustrate why I haven't been blogging much lately. I seem to have the ability to focus on 2 or maybe 3 projects at a time. When I redirect my attention to learning other methods of reaching out on the internet, I am not inspired to log in at my blog. In fact I didn't even know my password to get into write a post. That's sad.

In the past month I have been taping material for my gourd batik DVD's and my "No Sweat Joint Health DVD. I thought they were "in the can", needing only editing. I finally I saw some of the material we decided to re-tape 2 whole segments. The first was because something happened to the sound. The second was because the backdrop and fake plants used to spice up the setting were so tacky I couldn't even watch the video.

I secretly wanted to redo the exercise video as I thought I could do a better job than I had done. I put a lot of effort into rewriting the script and reviewing it over and over. In the end I presented the material differently but I think better.
I didn't rehearse or prepare the gourd material much as I thought I had that down cold. WRONG! That was awful. And taping 2 segments that were so different on the same day might have been a mistake. I couldn't shift gears. I had the exercise material in the front of my brain but we shot the gourd material first. Oh well. The miracles of editing will fix it, I hope.

The process has taught me a lot about myself and my standards. I first confess that I barely look at myself in the mirror. I take pride in being neat and clean. I'm not into primping and make up. So I was totally surprised to note that I have lazy eyelids. Now that I have seen it, I can look at photographs and see it was there as well, but I didn't note it. I just thought they were unflattering photos. So now I have a new goal. To look at the world with my eyes wide open. It is taking effort to keep the eyelids up without bugging my eyes or opening them too far. I can feel the air on my eyeballs when I am consciously practicing. Strange as it may sound, this practice is giving me a new take on the world. I shift my posture to be a bit more upright. The tilt of my head changes slightly. This shift is fun to watch.

I also learned that I have a curious click when I speak. It happens when I swallow and my tongue is at the roof of my mouth just before speaking. If I am conscious to completely finish my swallow before talking, I can avoid the click. A little thing but it does effect the sound quality.

I also learned about quality. I patted myself on my back for choosing to have my DVDs filmed at a TV station instead of by a friend. This felt upscale to me. They had lights, multiple cameras for different angles, sophisticated sound systems and mixing boards. So it was better than a single camera home video shoot. But this community TV station lacks polish. It is bad when crinkle cloth looks wrinkled or when the fake plants are so dead and frayed that I wouldn't even put them into a yard sale. Some of the staff understood my comments and appeared to be resigned to the standard, like no one listens to them. Some say it is a matter of money. These nuances don't take a lot of money but they do demand attention to detail.

Now I know how to be more discerning when I consider my options. I know my standards of presentation. I know to open my eyes wide in various nuances. I am learning why I love my life so much.

Paying the Price

2008-01-19T10:09:00.000-08:00

I love the way insights are sneaking up on me and whalloping me over my head. The universe is making sure that it gets my attention. Todays ah-ha comes from Christopher Westra at www.lightisreal.com. He has been discussing the 10 laws of goal accomplishment. Here is number 9:

Remember the two laws of goal achievement. The first law is
that you must always pay full price for achieving what you want.

The second law is that you must always pay in advance. Stop
looking for shortcuts and go to work - mentally and physically.

This is not new information. I have written about the concept of "bread of shame" before. There are unfavorable consequences to getting something for nothing.

I know I can have whatever I want if I am willing to pay the price. The price may be learning something new, changing my self concept, or postponing gratification. But I have to admit that I am always looking for shortcuts. I call it working smarter. Yes, there are better ways to do something, sometimes cheaper ways. But it is the underlying attitude I have of seeking to avoid possible rejection and for that matter
possible success that motivates my wanting to be rescued.

The price I don't want to take is that of asking for what I want, of developing human connections. Ironically it has also been the very point of great advance during power month. The greatest shortcut also turns out to be the biggest price for me. You have to love how meticulous the universe is at stacking the cards just right for each individul. It boggles my mind. Under every rock or in every article I find another answer to my question, "Why do I love my life so much".

I stand in awe.

For all the Love

2008-01-19T09:24:00.001-08:00

I couldn't sleep and finally got up and went to the bathroom. I picked up the nearby Reader's Digest and opened it randomly. The article was Steve Martin writing his memoir's concerning his father's death. I skimmed the text, unprepared for the way my heartstings would be tugged.

His dad: “I wish I could cry, I wish I could cry.”

At first, I took this as a comment on his condition but am forever
thankful that I pushed on. “What do you want to cry about?” I finally said.

“For all the love I received and couldn’t return.”

My heart opened. My eyes teared and flowed over. I started sobbing. I don't know if I was relating these feelings to my dad or to myself.

Most of my life I would have projected the sentiment onto my dad. In recent years I realized I didn't interpret his extensions of love and caring as that. Now I think I was closed to receiving. I preferred to feel alone and unloved. In that sense I didn't receive the loved given and therefore I didn't return it either.

This isn't about beating myself up. I am simply noticing how far I have traveled in my personal journey. It is no longer true about me. I do now let the love in. I do return that love. I even initiate the flow of love.

This realization was the result of that flood of tears. I feel cleansed and refreshed. I am grateful to have grown in this way before the end of my life so I have time to feel loved and give love all the more. Yes, why do I love my life so much?

My sleep was deep and peaceful.

I Spy

2008-01-09T15:05:00.000-08:00

While I was stuck in my Internet ventures I began playing a computer game seeking for a lost tomb. It consisted of 21 archaeological sites that contained 80-99 objects hidden in plain sight. In each round I had to find 10 identified objects in as short a time as I could. Asking for a hint resulted in a substantial penalty.

Some of the most difficult items were the most obvious. At a certain level of the game, I could choose to play the whole site. The name of a new item came up as soon as I identified one on the list until all 90+ objects were found.

This was interesting to me as an exercise in manifestation. I get what I focus on.
There are thousands of bits of information coming into my systems at any given moment but I am only aware of handful of data bytes. Similarly, each site had 90 objects competing for my attention but I had to find 10 specific objects. In this instance I was given the items to locate. In daily life, what I see is determined by what I expect to see or what I believe.

It was great fun to encourage my brain to search for things outside my normal patterns. And I had to think. A "Queen" might be a historical queen, the queen from a deck of cards or a chess queen. It was a test of eye-hand coordination, problem solving, figure ground discrimination and memory.

I am now paying greater attention to my environment. More detail is available to my conscious awareness. I can choose to highlight different aspects of my experience by shifting my focus or question. It was a fun way to expand and manipulate my consciousness. If I don't like what I am currently seeing, I can focus on something else. There is always something that reminds me why I love my life so much if I look for it.

Losing the "Tude"

2008-01-09T14:37:00.000-08:00

I admit I have milked the "I don't know what I am doing" attitude for some time now. I am referring specifically to my Internet attempts but as I write I realize it is one of my standby cop outs. "Don't ask me I am a newbie". "I haven't made more progress because I didn't know what to do next".

I have been playing that game with myself concerning my classwork for my blog i360. In fact I believed my own story and developed a dread of trying. Sad but true. Why do you think I have not been posting here? Each new post would simply read, "I'm stuck". Here is my best imitation of a two year old, "I don't CARE to do that".

Today I was on a conference call with someone who took the same class from Bob the teacher on Blog i 360 as I did. In one weeks time his site has climbed from ranking 14,000 something to less than 500. He has moved 13,500 slots up while I have been nursing my attitude.

I was reminded of one our family's heritage stories. My brother turned 1 year old in early December. He was slow to walk and evidently even slow to even want to walk.
Come Christmas eve he was still on all fours. We had a clan gathering Christmas day and he was the only one on the floor. I can only imagine what went on if his little baby brain. But the next day he was......WALKING.

Now that I feel like the infant around all the walkers I too am calling myself on my "'tude." It is time for me to walk. I will report on my progress tomorrow!
Learning that overcoming challenges are one way to love my life.

Learning Curve II

2007-12-30T18:07:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was greatly distressed in my inability to follow my "blog i 360" class. I actually was in tears more than once. I did attend all sessions and got an overview of what could be done but watched the clock count down the minutes until it was over. Whew!

Today I boldly downloaded an audio tape of one of the early classes onto my mp3 player. It actually worked! I know for many of you downloading something is as easy as turning on a light switch but for me....I did a little dance and song. I listened to it and followed it in real time. I wrote down some terms like wysiwyg and technorati to ask someone about but I was able to follow the directions. What a relief!

My blog now has a title page and you can check out my progress. www.askpatriciaz.com/blog

So here's to the agony of learning and the joy of having a live link to this blog!
Let's see how I progress from here.

What in your life was once hard and now it is so easy you take it for granted?
Besides walking, speaking, dancing, reading, driving.....

The Learning Curve I

2007-12-29T11:17:00.000-08:00

I am learning to use Blog i360 and how to link it to social sites , aweber it, affiliate markets and the like. It was a 3 day class. I signed up to have a systematic approach to working on the internet. I thought the focus would be good for me.

Thursday 3PM: Call 1. Questions, OK, I am on board. I don't understand much of it but assume I will.

Thursday 6PM: Call 2. I realize I can't get into the blog site because I didn't redirect my DNS. I redirect and listen to the call. Dead in the water. I can't even attempt action.

Thursday 8PM: Call 3. More of the same.

Friday calls 4 & 5. The behinder I get the more discouraged I become. There are too many different user names and passwords. I can't get any combination to work and ask for yet another password.

Friday call 6: Writing content. This is something I can finally understand.

Sat 4AM: I still can't get into my new blog site. I recheck the DNS redirection and put in a support ticket. So much for catching up in th early morning. I did register for a-weber and a couple of social bookmarking sites. I sent positive posts to other members of my team.

Sat 8:20AM miracles happened and the site became live. I even got an e-mail telling me which user name and password to use. Eureka!

Sat 8:30AM I have a client for the morning.

Sat 11AM Call time. I have my Dashboard open on my blog and a-weber installed and active. I am ready to go. By the end of the call I am in tears and again thinking of quitting.

Sat 1:40 PM I am figuring what is my best course of action:
A. Listen to each tape and follow along until I get it no matter how many times I have to listen.
B. Listen to all 9 tapes in a row and keep listening until I familiarize myself with the material and I get it.
C. Go back and listen to the pre seminar calls in case I missed something basic.
D. Just quit messing with the internet business idea altogether.
E. Throw another temper tantrum and pick one of the above.

Right now, "E" looks good. Anyone have any ice cream bars to help me numb myself?

This is the behind the scenes look at what happens between the high points of realizing I love my life. Maybe I don't like the training before the event very much.
I hate it that I think quiting is an option.

Learning about myself

2007-12-28T17:45:00.000-08:00

I have a knee jerk withdraw and shut down reaction when I don't feel able to keep up with a project. I joined a 3 day intensive on web 2.0 and blog i360 http://www.blogi360.com/jamaffiliates/id/1917. we are on calls for 90 minute segments 3 times a day for 3 days. I went dead in the water in hydroplane lingo at call number 2. I failed to redirect my DNS to my new blog and had to wait. Since then I have been listening to the calls and observing my reactions.

So far I have been through a blame phase as in "he should have explained more clearly", an anger phase I might call Woman on a Rampage, total despair and self flagellation was close on its heels. Now I am feeling numb and wanting to be rescued. Here I am blogging instead of trying to do something. I am thinking learning about my default reactions is as valuable as learning the blogging material, though it does nothing to assist my cash flow.

In one way it is like language immersion programs where one lives with a foreign speaking family. The difference is there is a built in human community. Someone to sit on the bed with you and babble sympathetically. There is an attempt at a community in terms of a master mind team built into this class as well but what am I going to do, yell at them, cry, act pitiful? The home front thinks I am crazy to be learning in this way already and the home front is getting the frustrated fallout.

I don't yet know what I love about this process. My current gut take on it is, "This sucks". Yet I am not willing to throw in the towel and say I am unable to do it. The infant doesn't stop getting up while learning to walk even tough she falls a thousand times. Of course she probably doesn't yet have that little voice inside calling her names and telling her it is beyond her ability. In fact, everyone around her takes it for granted that one day she will be able to walk without falling. They applaud every little progress.

So for myself, it is time to go make one tiny little step to applaud.

What Do You Get When..

2007-12-22T03:21:00.000-08:00

...You cross a sleepless night with an alka-seltzer moment of: "I can't believe I ate the whole thing"? That little box of fudge was over the top and I was feeling multiple shades of green. I went to bed to sleep it off. It is harder for me to be gentle with myself when I do something so very stupid. I knew while I was scarfing down the fudge that I would regret it late. More than that, I didn't really savor and enjoy the gift. So I lost out on 2 fronts.

This experience is drawing my attention to how my little unconscious choices shape my life. In this case I wasn't so very unconscious as I watched myself do it and didn't stop myself. But in this moment my choices are about how I pick myself up and move along. Can I get my lesson and keep moving into an enjoyable and productive day today or will I indulge my self pity and remorse and use it to make more indigestible choices today?

In the past 10 days I have been developing my exercise program for keeping hands and shoulders nimble, supple, fluid and strong. I pulled together my outline and did an impromptu seminar for a handful of my clients and videoed it. My program was well received and I am studying the video to upgrade my presentation. Today I am reworking the flow of my material. So I am up early with my ginger tea to soothe my tummy and playing with my project.

Loving my life doesn't always mean great things are happening. Sometimes it means falling down and getting back up, even if the pivotal event is dietary indiscretion.
Enjoy the holidays. Learn from my experience. Savoring a taste is more satisfying than eating the whole thing.

Succeeds Never

2007-12-08T14:56:00.000-08:00

In the age of "The Secret" I am about to step off the deep end of contrarian expression.

To explain, there exists the art and science of homeopathy which identifies an aberration within a person's vital force by observing how the reflection of the imbalance plays out in life. Each observed trait is called a rubric. The rubrics are combined and recombined until a remedy is chosen that fits the essential nature the person is exhibiting.

All this is to say that I had a follow up with my homeopath last month and we were discussing the rubric "succeeds never" in relation to my life path. It was from the perspective of not living up to my potential. While it is true I have had many successes in my life I would also be the first to note I am holding back from my potential. That night I spent repeating the phrase "succeeds never" over and over. I repeated "I love succeeds never because..." until I couldn't even make up any more responses. I did anything I could think of to bring that statement into my conscious reality.

This exercise was not based on a negative self image nor feeding negativity. This was my way of taking responsibility for the thoughts, feelings, judgments and criticisms
that also create my experience. I am reflecting back on the statement, " What you resist persists". I swapped resisting with embracing.

What happened? The next day I had 3 home health referrals equaling 20 visits and 3 additional private clients hours. This was like rain following a drought since I had not had any home health referrals in six weeks.

Since then I recall the words "succeeds never" to mind every time I feel discouraged or overwhelmed. It is like my new "baby blanky". I am not sure why it motivates me or how it removes my perceived barriers but for now it does. My actions are those of a person moving forward with passion. My fear is not now running the show but travels at my side.

Without getting into the psychology of it all, positive thinking alone does not move me forward. I seem to need to embrace the shadow part of myself to harvest the power to behave differently. Maybe my homeopathic remedy is working as in it is bringing patterns to my attention for fresh decisions. In any case,this is why I love my life so much.

Glowing

2007-12-04T22:36:00.000-08:00

What does it mean to glow in the sense of choosing to glow at will. I know there are times I associate with glowing like parents at the time of a birth. Maybe it is the flush one gets after a success following long effort. Is it a radiation of love and peace? I wish it for everyone.

In recent days I have read many glowing tributes to a colleague who passed away abruptly. I knew of him and had met him. He and his wife were active in the broader community. He is worthy of the tribute.

This death draws my attention back to the other deaths this year of men close to me. It gets me to thinking about my own death. I recently read Gloria Page's account of some women being given tombstone shaped paper. On the front each wrote her own epitaph according to what other people would say about her. On the other side each wrote what she wished others would say about her. Very interesting.

My mother died when I was 19. That event probably shaped me more than I care to imagine. No one else close to me died until this year,36 years later. I developed a pragmatic and functional view of death in my aloof kind of way. I had little use for funerals. Didn't plan on having one myself. After all, I'm gone.

My involvement with my dad's funeral was transformative for me. Even though I had worked at healing my relationship with him, much healing happened in preparing for and speaking at the funeral. It was important to attend my martial art instructor's funeral. I am thinking my feelings about my own funeral were colored by feeling who would come, how would people know that I had died. My communities are diverse and often distant. Often I lurk instead of participate. It brings me back to the value of communication I spoke of in the last post. What would people say? What do I want them to say? How do I need to let people in in order for people to feel that about me?

Often people don't know how they touch my life. I doubt I realize how I touch the lives of others. What would it be like to really let them know and would they hear that sentiment from me? Somehow I would like to think people's lights would glow a little brighter from having come in contact with me. I now would like people to know that my light glows a little brighter because of who they are and how they touch me now. Why does my life-light glow as much as it does? Because of you.

Rollercoaster Thrills

2007-12-04T20:06:00.000-08:00

For the past month I have been in Sterling Valentine's Power Month. Every member sets a target, works towards it and posts about it every day. In addition we reply and respond to each other's posts so no-one feels that they are tromping through the nether-gloom alone. The process brought me to some genuine self discovery.

I got great feedback on my blog writing, made my first Internet sale, and learned about interacting with others in asking for help, getting help, and giving assistance. I used to have an image of myself as a loner. Even writing this blog is rather insular even though I am sharing my inner questing. I come down from my ivory tower to be present to others in my work but I rarely get "involved".

Early on in the power month I really made it a point to respond to other's posts. I stretched beyond my comfort zone. I even found myself reaching out to others more in my daily life. I was reminded yet again that I am the one who holds back rather than others not "liking" me. My aloofness sends a leave me alone message. Something about that is shifting.

In the second part of the month I hit the wall where I didn't feel like working on my project. Holiday distractions, long client filled work days, and hitting the I don't feel like it wall took its toll. I had to do something because I had agreed to post. So I did. I didn't invest the time to respond to others pasts as I had in the beginning and now, looking back, I think that it was my loss though I still have contact info to follow up on if I choose. It wasn't quite as fun when I became more self-focused.

Holding myself accountable to the group and taking daily action, together with insights from Sterling did create a momentum. I now have 4 prototypes of my gourd work to use in creating my "gourdbatik how to" DVDs. I am setting something up with a production team now. And something more happened. There was 15 hours, 37 minutes of power month remaining when I woke at 4AM with a very clear vision of what I was doing with the project, what steps needed to be done and in what order. That was a rush. I don't think I like adrenalin much but it was a great rush. I got up and made notes.

Later that day, I had a hour between clients and created a flow plan. And another idea revealed itself. I can marry my art and my healing by creating an exercise DVD for artists and crafters. I have the best self treatment techniques to keep fingers nimble and functioning, to relieve carpal tunnel, to get rid of that nagging neck and shoulder tension. Everyone I have spoken to really likes that idea. And those who have seen my gourds want to learn that as well. I am even in discussion to teach a class to a local art guild! (I need to be careful her about choosing my focus and not get scattered. Michael Angier said the next new idea can be the death of my current project.)

All of this in one short month!. There is another Power Month starting next week. You can Google "Power Month" if you are interested. Bring your marbles and get ready to play. The ups and the downs, my roller coaster thrills, are all part of why I love my life so much.

Problem Solved!

2007-11-18T14:13:00.000-08:00

One task I set for myself this summer was to find a way to do my gourd work using a colorfast medium that gave me the same effects as my leather dyes did. And today I am proud to announce, mission accomplished! I have journeyed now through 7 different product lines. All claim to be colorfast or at least resistant to fading. Some have interesting properties, but they didn't run and merge like the dyes. I even tried mixing the various products with different solvents to push them where I wanted to go.

Yesterday, I found the perfect alcohol based ink that is mare for nonporous surfaces. Sounds like it was made for gourds to me though I have not seen it mentioned to date.
And it works well with my existing resist for my batik style of painting. Hurrah!

I am already testing the interactions of this product line with the other products I have tries to keep my palette as colorful, rich and subtle as possible. Besides that, I can affiliate with a company that sells these products. I don't have to sell them myself.

It feels awesome to set a challenge before myself and persist through to completion. I discovered so many interesting techniques and products along the way. Sometimes it was fun to explore the alleys and byways of crafting I will probably never do. But I might find a way to apply the concept to gourds or glass or something else fun on the horizon.

The search has been as much fun as the eureka moment. Now I have the full line of colors on order and can hardly wait for their arrival. Simple joys are at hand.
The more I savor the question, the more I discover "Why do I love my life so much"?

Take III

2007-11-13T22:32:00.000-08:00

I am standing in the way of standing in "my way". Hang in her with me. If you have followed my posts from the beginning you are probably wondering at my participation in Power Month in which I report on progress towards my goals everyday. You know how I resist goals in favor of moving in an inspired direction.

Over the course of time 2 threads did emerge in my life that I decided to add intensity to. One was getting my blog out there and the other was developing my gourd work. They arose organically out of loving my life, sit still and do nothing time, and gamzu, thinking this too is for the best. This is "my way". I have become the obstacle to that way.

I felt inspired to join power month. I didn't need to set steps and report on whether I did them or not. All I needed to do was report my progress in my direction and support others. Where along the line did it become about making money on the Internet? Yes, I do want income streams from my work but that was not the core intention. My core intention was about putting myself out there in the world, risking sharing myself with others and if money came as a result of that then great.

A couple of days ago I got a taste of making money from the Internet from the sale of the graphics program. (Which I still love and you can check it out at http://quickwebcreations.com/?e=lifeofhoney). It was exhilarating. My efforts became about making money instead of sharing my gifts. I started exploring affiliate marketing in the proven way instead of sitting still and nothing nothing in my inspired way. So I came to stand in my way in the obstacle sense to my inspired way of doing things.

As my homeopath Doug told me today, I am the most uniquely individual person he knows. I am charting a course to do it "my way". It won't be the proven way that others have developed and are promoting to be successful on the Internet. I don't think it is re-inventing the wheel either. There are many who have lived a rich life by loving it and acting from inspiration based on silence, knowing that the outcome is always for the best. Maybe this is being in the world but not of it.

From this I am remembering how important it is to tell myself the truth. My private practice is lighter than usual right now. This is not about scarcity. This is about parting the waters of my routine to allow creativity to take point for a time. I don't have trouble supporting myself.

I was inspired to do power month. I still am. But I have to do it "my way". This little detour has been enlightening. Maybe that is what the journey is really all about. I see the door to loving my life so much opening for me again. Thank you. I love you.

Standing in my Own Way, Take 2

2007-11-13T15:22:00.000-08:00

OK, last post I was standing in my own way, running tackle against myself. I just had a conversation with my homeopath and used the sentence "I am standing in my own way". I meant that I was getting in my own way. He heard it as "Standing in My Way", as in the song "I did it my way". It wasn't a value judgment as both can be true at once. As he said, he doesn't know anyone as "individual" as me. I do have my own way. On the other hand, that very "own way" of mine may also be part of a mechanism that avoids success to the degree that I am capable and wanting.

The conversation that prompted the post about running tackle against myself was based on the idea of using proven techniques that work instead of re-inventing the wheel. And could see the wisdom but balked at the proven technique because it was out of phase with my self image or at least out of my comfort zone.

So if I stand in my own way, do it my way, it has value only if it is grounded in firm principles. If doing it my way is a matter of hesitation to leave my comfort zone then I deserve the lackluster results that I get. Maybe this is part of becoming a warrior. A wannabe warrior does have to submit to the training of the master. There is a breaking down process before the building up process. I get to unlearn my habits that now feel "so me" that don't serve me to master the tools and techniques that do serve me.

Short of joining the military or a monastery there are few avenues that break us down and build us up is a systematic way. Maybe life does that in the sense that we move about until we magnetize circumstances that make us uncomfortable enough or excite us enough to seek a different way. I'm not yet in a place to pull my reflections together into a tidy bundle. Letting it unfold may be the way to love my life.

On a lighter note, I have a new Internet "toy" that makes headline graphics way fast, way cool, way colorful. Here is the link: http://quickwebcreations.com/?e=lifeofhoney
Check it out.

Running Tackle Against Myself

2007-11-11T20:31:00.000-08:00

The image I have of myself is standing right smack dab in front of where I think I want to go. The confrontation makes my head swim, my heart race and my palms sweat. Even my eyes don't want to focus. Sigh. Big sigh.

It is a show down between me and myself or maybe between a past me and a potential future me. I am sad to say that I often let the old me win. Sigh and huff. It wins when I choose to adjust my eating habits and then emotional cravings show up and I'm off following those. It wins when I think about expanding my business but don't see myself as a marketer or even a people person and so I don't try. It wins when I stay with the known and comfortable instead of trying something new.

To be fair there are arenas in which I do go for it. There are also arenas in which I pretend to go for it but don't really do those things that would make a real difference. I even fool myself into believing that I am going for it but I am not crossing into the territory of real change. In hind sight I have caught myself playing it safe too many times to be comfortable with that choice any longer.

So now I am in the midst of a stare down. I am trying to figure a way out around myself while the enemy is not only listening to my game plan but sabotaging it as well. I suspect I am thinking about this far too much. Oh sigh. Time to pull out my Ho'oponopono cleaning and keep my brain busy saying, "I love you", "Thank you".

In the morning I will get someone to help walk me forward. Hopefully I'll find the giant I see in front of me tonight is nothing more than a puff of smoke.

All I have to do is take one step and then another. I'll be watching the journey and report. Sigh, breathe, sigh, breathe.

Up to my Elbows

2007-11-10T08:13:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had that sinking feeling that something is amiss. Yesterday I turned on the faucet and the water pressure was severely compromised. I checked the outdoor hose just in case. It was turned off, no problem. I had someone working in my garden to put it to bed for the winter and called out to see if he was running water. No. But he walked over to the faucet and said I had better come look. Sure enough, there was water pooling up around the garden faucet and running off.

I live on a farm. Things get jury rigged here all the time. I was living here when the water was installed from the house to the barn with a side spout to the garden. I remember discussing putting the cut off where we could get at it but no one seems to know where that is. It is certainly buried anyway. We couldn't get the water turned off at the road because it needed a special tool. The water company had an answering machine on. I could hear the water running and the meter was spinning.

I finally called city hall. One benefit of rural living is that I could just call city hall. They sent someone out to turn the water off. And this is all happening on a Friday afternoon. So Travis and I started digging. As we dug, the dirt walls began leaking. Well, not leaking exactly, more like pouring water in through a gopher hole. I plugged it up, smoothed the walls of the hole with clay and bailed and bailed and bailed. The water found more places to seep than I could stop. Travis was digging diversionary holes and channels to lure the water away but it didn't help. None of the neighbors were home to see if they had a sump pump. I was in the mud and water way up past my elbows and no running water in the house.

In the end, we had to let nature take its course and call it a day. I have lived where I had to bring in potable water before so this is no problem. AT least I didn't realize at the momnet how spoiled I have become. I had put water in the bathtub for washing and flushing the toilet. Unfortunately it all seeped down the drain. Sigh.

Times like these can try my philosophical view of life. Is the universe friendly? Am I being thwarted? What lesson am I needing to learn from this event? Actually, once I got the water turned off, I was very calm and didn't consider the meaning of it all. There was little water so conserve and be patient. I tried not to cook so as not to dirty dishes. I had filled a couple of gallon jugs for washing.

By this morning nature had taken its course and the standing water had moved along. We dug the mud out, cut off the broken PVC pipe and my neighbor had an end cap that would work to cap it off. Just a minute ago I left my computer to help turn the water back on very slowly. Our repair held! I have turned the hot water heater back on and scrapped the inch of clay from the bottom of my shoes.

Ahhh, the pleasures of running water. There are so many conveniences of modern life that I take for granted. As I look around me there is nothing that would not have been considered a miracle somewhere in time. Even my paintbrushes, there was a time I would have had to chew just the right twig to get a semblance of a brush. How times have changed. Even saying "What a deal", when I purchase things does not bring to mind the magnitude of miracles we now call conveniences or even necessities that I take for granted everyday.

Soon it will be the miracle of a nice hot shower with soap and towels and clean clothes. Life itself is a miracle. What we have discovered, invented and mass produced to add to our comfort of living is astounding. Every where I look I see answers to the question, "Why do I love my life so much"?

PS Now that is it fixed, I received a phone call from another neighbor up the road.
"Word is all over the county that you are having water problems". That thought freaked me the most. It might have been a good April Fool's joke. As it turns out, his wife was having coffee with Travis' mom. The universe is now only friendly, but laughing. So am I.

The Day of Didn'ts

2007-11-08T09:31:00.000-08:00

Each day is remarkable for something unique. Today is important for what I didn't do instead of what I did do. I had before me a wide open day and a to do list. I was making great progress and then, lurking behind the bushes of my mind, I saw a way to use up the whole day. I saw a way to avoid doing some uncomfortable tasks. The plan was simple. Drive to Nashville to buy a certain kind of permanant watercolor to try on my gourds. Reasonable enough and working towards my plan but not what would really propell me forward.

Want to do is not always best to do. Let's see. Gas is now over $3 a gallon, it will take 5 hours and I won't feel like being productive when I get back. If I calculate the value of my time, that is a very expensive bottle of watercolor. I didn't go to Nashville. I did order it and other inks online to be delivered.

My other big didn't still has me quivering and trembling. I didn't jump at the chance to take on another Occupational Therapy job. I have had financial concerns of late because my PRN, as needed, positions have not been needing much lately. But my consuming habits have not backed off to match my income. The new job would solve my financial concerns and probably kill my dreams. I wouldn't have time to do both.
I said no, not now. I left myself a little hungry and committed to my 30 day PowerMonth Challenge during which I intend to develop my gourd business.

So I did not escape and I did not sell out my dreams. To me it is a sign of growth and evidence of why I love my life so much.

Someone Believes in Me

2007-11-07T18:26:00.001-08:00

There are a few rare occasions when I get it in the moment that someone believes in me. In hindsight I can find many more examples that people did. But what I am speaking of are the times when I allow myself to "Grok" it in the moment. I know I date myself here. read "Stranger in a Strange Land" to grok it.

The first time I remember was my freshman math teacher asking to see my report card. Something in that told me she cared and thought I had potential. It was strong enough to think I might want to major in math which was a good idea until I got to college calculus.

In the second instance I was an high school junior going through the food service line when another student asked me if I wanted to help decorate for a dance. Out of the blue! I was shocked. I did and stayed for a meeting of Junior Statesman and began public speaking of a sort. I also met my first boyfriend in that group. My life changed because someone reached out to me. I came down from my ivory tower and participated.

Fast forward to this week. I signed up for "PowerMonth" with Sterling Valentine. Everyone set goals and made the agreement to work on their project everyday and post what was done every day and to provide feedback to others. I am developing my gourd business and also seeking feedback on ways to reach out with this blog. Some people actually took the time to read my blog and comment on my writing. My insides flipped and jumped. I was back in high school being asked to decorate for a dance.
Someone believes in me! Actually a bunch of someones believe in me. Perhaps the greatest miracle is that I hear them and am letting it in. I am excited and shaking in my boots.

Last night I was so excited I couldn't sleep for all of the ideas sparking in my brain. I made notes. Tonight I am back to facing my demons of self doubt. I will probably get to face them each and everyday of this 30 day challenge. But, somewhere inside, I know people believe in me and I will persist. Why do I love my life so much?

November Watermelon

2007-11-03T13:45:00.000-07:00

Today I am eating the fruit of my watermelon vine. It is November 3. I harvested the last pair of melons just today. Actually I didn't even know that I still had watermelons on the vine until yesterday. I thought I brought in the last one a week ago. Surprise! They were hiding behind the fence and vines. It is a testimony to the hot summer and fall we had and I got my little plant in late. Most people boast of having the first tomatoes, I have the last watermelon and the last tomatoes.

I enjoy taking an active role in providing what I eat. Mostly I now plant only those things that are hard or expensive to get like snow peas, peas and certain winter squash. This year I put in 2 watermelon plants and a couple of tomatoes. One is in the greenhouse attached to the house. I am seeing how long I can get fresh tomatoes. I have more buds than ever right now.

A few days ago I was shelling Lima beans and washing turnips greens. The timing wasn't convenient but they couldn't be put off. I pulled my attention to the task and got into it. I bought them from the farmers market. My local produce farmers had a really hard time this year from the early frost and the hot dry summer. I believe in supporting them, even if turnip greens are not my favorite. It is late in the season and not many customers are showing up anymore. But because of their efforts, I don't need to have a big garden of my own right now.

We are getting the dormant garden ready for winter this year though as I plan to plant gourds again next year for my artwork. I may even plant more garden again.
There is something nourishing about playing in the dirt and growing something myself. A couple of weeks ago I was planting daffodil bulbs. To make the space to plant them I also had to dig up the bulbs that had gotten overcrowded before. I pulled up 5 gallon bucket of bulbs to plant 70 fancier ones. Now I get to replant
the small bulbs in my drive around circle where they will have space to expand and multiply. Finding each bulb was like finding a treasure. LAter that night I was reminded why gardening is such good exercise!

When it is so easy to buy supplies from the store it is not hard to understand the kid who thinks milk comes from cardboard cartons. I have a strange little habit I have cultivated when I shop. When the clerk tells me the total, I respond, "What a deal"! It helps me remember how I would need to be spending my time surviving if all of these products weren't so available.

One of my clients was complaining over the price of propane gas and I said it was easy compared to chopping and stacking wood for 2 weeks to have wood for winter. I know. I did that. And it wasn't so many years ago. Then I was young enough to think of it as an adventure. Now... let's just say I'll happily pay for the heating fuel.

Gratitude is all a matter of perspective. What a deal!

And I have fresh from the vine watermaelon. How cool is that!

Twists and Turns

2007-10-27T22:13:00.000-07:00

I am amused and amazed by the twists and turns my life is taking these days. I am following my curiosity and my inspiration. My private practice is flowing along and the rest of my time is now doing art. Right now that is gourd painting.

It all started when I signed up to submit pieces to the state fair as a way to channel my grief. That reignited my interest in my gourd work. A number of years ago I juried into the Kentucky Crafted Artist program. I had some gourds in a local shop and was always delighted to get an unexpected check. I was discouraged because my medium of choice faded.

Recently I began experimenting with more colorfast medium, trying to get them to behave the way I wanted. Now I am playing with new techniques that capitalize on what the medium likes to do with some delightful (yes, and dreadful) results. I have been reading various "how to" books and adapting them to my technique with the goal of determining a series of gourd projects that I can teach by DVD and in person.

I am currently sidestepping the what to paint problem to try new things using their prototype project. I read about the next technique the night before and if something inspires me I adapt the project. Last night I had the idea to paint a peacock feather. That gourd is stunning in its simplicity. It may become one of my painting themes.

Right now I have my painted gourds piling up like a fruit arrangement on the top of my propane stove behind me. I can see my progress in a glance. Of course, I am delaying turning the heater on for the season. Soon some will go in the trash, and some will move upstairs. I am beginning to gather a new body of work to photograph to enter into juried art shows.

Without giving up my day job, I am living the life of an artist. This turn of events was unimagined last spring. And now I can't imagine not living the artist's way.
Why do I love my life so much?

Is It Working?

2007-10-25T11:03:00.000-07:00

I started using the ho'oponopono cleaning technique of saying to myself "I Love You, Thank You, I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me", for a few months now. I ordered e-books of seminars, attended a phone seminar, read "Zero Limits" by Joe Vitale and "The Easiest Way" by Mabel Katz. I have even attended a seminar, live with Dr Len. All the behaviors of a fanatic. It is what I do when something captures my fancy. I dive in, swim around and pay attention to what is happening in my life as a result.

The sentences have become my companion. They are at peak consciousness when I am driving, playing "Spider", when I ma with clients and falling asleep. I try to do them without expecting a specific result. I am noticing that I rarely feel helpless anymore, that my intellectual drama is decreasing and I live in the moment better. I have pulled my head out of the sand more and look around with curiosity even if I don't like what I am seeing.

I have been following the fires of California with interest and emotion. In the past, I would have kept the TV off to keep my adrenalin level down or have been rivieted to the TV with adrenalin raging. Now I watch, clean with my sentences and wonder at the good that will come from so much destruction. The stories of resilient spirit, the people who will start over doing something they really like in a place they really love, the new growth that will rise fro the ashes. I watch people come together and connect with those they previously ignored. All the time I am cleaning.

I have been using the cleaning to help me with my grief from the death of my friend. It probably helped me continue doing what needed doing. It didn't take the grief and pain away. Eventually I was led to experiences where I really felt someone heard the depth of my pain and then I could start to let some of it go. It doesn't consume me any longer but sometimes washes over me.

So I have more peace. The direction of my life is shifting to try to fix others less and be more gentle with myself. My artistic and creative expressions are coming front and center. I do not feel so very fragile in the face of awful things in the world.

So ho'oponopono has become a perferred tool in my toolbox. Cleaning is better than fixing. It is not my one, true way but it is an awesome way. I am already exploring Soul Healing as taught be Eric Rolf. I love it when I find someone whose way of thinking and expressing turns my brain upside down and jiggles the connections.

The reasons Why I love my life so much seem to be infinite. I delight in uncovering them one by one.

Is the Universe Friendly?

2007-10-25T10:31:00.000-07:00

I have recently come across the work of Eric Rolf and he asks 4 big questions. The first is, "Is the Universe Friendly"? My answer to this is not as simple as I first thought. If my answer is black/white, no/yes, at least I know what to expect. If I think it depends on the circumstance then the universe would be capricious. I would be victim of its whims. Intolerable.

I did not grow up thinking the universe was friendly. I grew up with guilt and fear as motivators. Yes, there is beauty, order and majesty at every turn but I was always checking my back and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I have since changed my belief. Yes, the universe is friendly. Look at my Gamzu theme. No matter what happens, this too is for the best. I see the emergence of this theme is my appraoch to learning and proving to myself that the universe is infact friendly, even when it doesn't look like it. Clearly i am walking in the direction that holds that the universe is friendly.

The news is now filled with images of California burning. The stock market analysts are decrying the decline of the dollar and the next wave of housing drama. And I ask again, is the universe friendly? This is the crossroads. If the universe is unfriewndly, and my world is in danger of collaspe,I feel justified to behave like chicken little, sleep poorly, and stuff my feelings with food. My reaction to the threat is enough to scar me for life, even if the events never unfold.

If the Universe is friendly, then I know at some deep level that all is well and will work to my best interest despite all appearances. I start looking for the open doors and opportunities to recreate my life in a joyful way. It works for me to believe that the Universe is friendly, no matter what. Gamzu!

I see it in the big things. I don't always feel it in day to day life. When the pup has diahrea in the house for the umpteenth time today but he doesn't poop fast enough when I take him outside. I am in a hurry and know I will have more to clean up when I get home....the universe does not seem so very friendly. I realize the stress of such mundane things are self created. At the same time, I notice how ingrained old beliefs really are and what level of conscious attention and intervention is needed to realloy shift my core reactions.

I am not disparing here. I am noting I am on a journey and the climb to the top of the mountain is punctuated with twists, turns and downgrades. It is a step to realize I am choosing my framework and acting accordingly, patiently (or not)with every aware moment. That I can choose to see the universe as friendly is one way I answer why do I love my life so much.

Do I Want It? Really?

2007-10-17T10:38:00.000-07:00

I learned something about myself following my trip to Pittsburgh. If I really want something, I go after it fast. After the Chihuly exhibit we went to the Pittsburgh Glass Center's open house and hands up day. Someone demonstrated making glass beads and glass blowing. I decorated a glass and had it sand blasted. and everyone had the opportunty to add bits to a double panel glass mosaic.

The mosaic artist, Davieo Devis, was totally embracing and sharing of her art. On the way home Maelanie and I discussed doing some mosaic. Who knew she had a yearning to work with glass but didn't want to work with lead? We discussed places to get glass and where we might be able to get installation contracts.

I was smitten. Melanie checked out the internet. I called a friend whose mate used to work in glass and I hit the jackpot. I bought scrap staned glass for $1 a pound. 110 punds to be exact. But there was also a stained glass lamp project that had been sitting in jigs for 5 years already following the death of its craftor. So I arranged to take all the pieces and to transform it into a mosaic in memory of Brenda.

So after squeaking out bits of time here and there, we have a 24 x 26 inch grape arbor piece ready for grouting and framing. This all happened in the course of a week. No stress. No delay. Just an opportunity seized.

So when I want, really want, I am like a dog with a bone. When I decided to take a class in glass fusing the week my dad died, I followed through. It took time to mesh my schedule with available classes and I had to drive to North Carolina but i was on a mission. I am planning my next class already.

I contrast this with things that sound good to do, things inspired by hypnotic writers, like create a great passive income internet business. I read and study but no action. I may end being one of those people who has to sleep in my car because all of my art has taken up every nook and cranny of my home. Art for art's sake. Ahhhh, the joy of it. I wouldn't mind selling some pieces also. Maybe I will learn to how to set up a web site.

In any case, when something is really for me, I go for it. I am learning about why I love my life so much.