Melanie Spring - God, Faith, Running, Exercise, Creativity, Songs

Spiritual Journey: Prayer, Preoccupation & Provision

2009-07-13T07:58:00.004-04:00

Devotions are something that have always made me groan. The thought of sitting down every day for 30 minutes and reading my Bible makes my brain hurt for some reason. I have protested for years since I felt like I had no time although I always had time to do things that weren't 'devotional'. Now that I'm getting older, I realized that I really needed to start reading my Bible and listening for God's voice. I found a book called Devotions for Women on the Go back in March and have been studying my way through it. It was written just for me since 5 minutes seems to be about all my attention span allows for. This book seems to have been written with the knowledge that I would need exactly what it said on the day that I read it. I'll admit, God is amazingly detail-oriented. I am shocked every time I open the book to see that the verses and the little story relate to whatever it is that I need that day. The last few days have been plainly shocking yet typical.

PRAYER: July 10 was about Praying to Win - praying for those who mistreat you, for the strength not to fall into temptation, not to make mistakes, for a wonderful future, to be strengthened, to share the gospel, to be worthy of your calling, to be generous, to have a clear conscience and to confess your sins among other things. As much as I try to sit and pray, the things that leave my mouth are usually "Lord, help me be the woman You want me to be. Give me strength and courage. Allow my business to grow." Mostly 'give me, help me, allow me, do this for me' stuff. Instead this devotional told me that I need to pray for others, pray for His help to keep me from doing things He's asked me not to, pray for His forgiveness and for the forgiveness of others, pray that I might be generous in my words, thoughts and gifts, pray that I might live up to His calling for me... There's an Addison Road song 'What Do I Know of Holy' that says:

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time

This has always been a problem. I have always wanted to know what it felt like to really 'hear God'. My friend Michele hears things from Him all the time - clearly too - and I'm not sure I can ever say that I heard anything. It's not because He hasn't been speaking, it's just because I haven't been listening. Next time I sit down to pray, I need to just soak and quiet my mind so I can hear what He has to say. Give myself over to Him and receive His forgiveness. Pray to win.

PREOCCUPATION: July 11 spoke of Preparing for the Attack on us. Whenever we start putting all of our faith in God and giving ourselves over to His love, we are at our most vulnerable to attack. It spoke of starting a new business as one of the times this can happen which fits me extremely well. They talked about physical setbacks, technical setbacks, preoccupation and heaviness of heart as things that can be attacks on what we are striving for.

Preoccupation stuck out to me. My pastor had told me that it would be the best thing for me to take a year off from dating so I could focus on my business because the preoccupation will keep me from accomplishing my goals. Satan is an angel who got off track and his favorite tool is getting us off track with him. I know this to be very true in my life. If I have something to keep me preoccupied, I'll stay with that instead of doing the things I know will help me accomplish my goal.

The heaviness of heart has been something that has really been weighing on me for a few weeks. Normally I am a really glowing, happy, overwhelming person to others and I've had a lot of people ask me 'Is everything ok?' 'You sound sad...' lately. I haven't been able to figure out exactly what it is. I've been going through a lot lately and have been under an insane amount of stress (mostly self-induced) but in the past, I've been able to power through and get through it with a smile on my face. I feel emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted lately. I know the causes of all of it and know that my 'praying to win' and keeping myself from preoccupation will help me find the glow again. God has the power to life the weight off, I just need to focus on that.

PROVISION: Today (July 13) spoke about Provision and Psalm 37:23-29. Verses 23 and 24 really stuck out to me with the worries I've been starting to feel lately about my business and hiring people. I know in my heart and in my head that I don't need to worry because God will take care of it but these verses really showed me that I need to stand firm in Him.

"If the Lord delights in a man's way,
he makes his steps firm;
though he stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand."

This doesn't say that we will never stumble, even if we stand firm in the Lord but it says that we will not fall. This shows me that when I stand right with God and do as He has asked, He will take care of me and I can't fail. I am an overly ambitious person and always have a million things going on, my goal is to make each of those things a success. There's a great question that people seem to ask all the time "What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?" With God, I can't fail.

While I'm running and training, I've been repeating Isaiah 40:31: "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." I know that no matter what it is that I put my mind to, God will hold me up and keep me going. It doesn't say that I won't trip, stumble, or have to slow down but I will never grow wearing, faint or fall down. I cannot fail.

God is good. He is indeed. He knew me and my path before I was born. He knew I would hit bottom and rise up again. He knew it would take a few times for me to fail on my own for me to come crawling to Him asking for Him to help me back up. He's always been there and always will be. I just need to trust that I can hold His hand and keep moving forward and that He'll never let me down.

Spiritual Journey: Breaking the Habits

2009-07-10T19:10:00.003-04:00

Since my divorce almost 6 years ago, I've been searching for myself. I had realized when I left my marriage that I had no idea who I was because I was trying so hard to be the woman my husband wanted. Once I was out on my own, I searched in all the wrong places for the things that I thought would make me whole - all the things of this world. I kept going to church and although my faith was getting stronger in such small ways, I never found 'it'. I never pushed hard enough and always fell back on the things that were not right for my walk with God. I became hardened and bitter with each passing year against the idea of love, the idea of finding the truth, the idea of finding myself. I kept thinking I was never going to make it and no one really cared about me.

As most of you know, I am an overwhelmingly honest person, mostly to a fault. I have never had a problem being myself in front of people and they know what they are getting when they befriend me. I do not befriend people who can't handle my personality and steer clear of those who make themselves out to be 'perfect' as I am just a normal girl trying to find her way in the world. I had always talked about changing and becoming someone who was more accepted and less set in my ways but what I didn't realize was that I am who I am and that will never change.

I got to a place of wanting true change (in the wrong direction) about 18 months ago and decided to plow into a new relationship with the idea that I could be a different person than who I am. It should have ended on the second date due to realizing that I would never fit into his life but I decided I wanted badly to be a perfect woman in a perfect relationship with a perfect guy. The reflection of who I wanted to be and who I thought he wanted me to be. This led to my deception, deception to him and myself. I did everything I could to hide the true me because every time it came to the surface, it was pushed back under water and not allowed to breathe. So, I started weaving a lie about who I was which, as all lies are, was eventually found out and caused a long(LONG) series of explosions and pain for both of us. In the end, bad communication became habit for both of us, keeping things to myself became a way to try to hide even little things, and hatred of each other that had been pushed down for so long came ringing through. As all relationships that start with a lack of 'you', it screeched to a halt over and over again until it just blew up. This does not make me sad - it gives me full self-realization that I must be myself at all costs - even losing the man I believed I loved.

Habits are hard to break. A friend told me once that it takes 40 days of doing the same thing 16 times a day to break a habit. If you want to be yourself and stop lying to yourself and others about who you really are, you must tell yourself who you really are 16x a day for 40 days. Instead of doing this, I have decided to take it one step further with praying and talking through my insecurities, my worries, my hurt, my deception, and my growth for a year. My friends and confidantes know exactly who I am, where I come up short and how imperative it is for me to be the woman I really am instead of the person I think others want me to be. I lack control when it comes to temptation in many different avenues as most people do. Temptation is not the sin but acting on it is. Removing the temptation will allow me to break the habit. Keeping myself from the thought of needing to be someone else around anyone will allow me to keep my head clear, my eyes on Christ and my thoughts pure.

Everyone has bad habits, I don't need to list mine here for you. Those closest to me know exactly what has caused me to take a year off and allow me to become the woman I should have been. I will have no reason to lie about who I am if I am able to just be myself and this year will give me the freedom to find out who I really am. I know that God will lead me to the places He has prepared for me. I just need to take baby steps, clear out my life and my head and push forward down that path toward Him.

The Beginning of My Journey

2009-07-08T20:40:00.005-04:00

This journey of spiritual growth and self-awareness has been a bumpy one so far. I've moved off the path of the journey and gone away to find myself entangled in deception and pain and realized that I was not on the right path again. The right path is the path of Christ, the path that will save me from all of my worldly hindrances and give me a peaceful place to rest.

The first few days of this journey pulled me off on a side road and had me stall in my reaching for Christ. I went back to the things I swore off and chose to believe in those more than Christ and put them above Him. Why? Because I'm an addict. I've become so addicted to these things that I couldn't stop thinking about how wonderful they could be and continue to forget how badly disfunctional they really are. Deception pulled me back out and the pain of that gave me the chance to walk away for the last and final time. I will not stall again. I will walk forward, even if it is slowly but I will not walk backward again.

This journey that I am on is one of faith, passion, pursuit and hunger. I am starving for the love that God so freely gives and not because He won't give it but because I find myself in unhealthy relationships and this stifles my relationship with God. I look for love in the wrong places, I seek favor and acceptance from the wrong people, I leave those who love me behind for those who can't possibly - and for what? A few seconds of joy. This joy that never lasts, never fills me up and always lets me down when it's over.

I look around me and see the beauty God gave us, the wealth of opportunity, the incredible happiness he has bestowed and I wonder why I keep pushing it all away for something that doesn't even accept the 'real me'. I know that I can be an incredibly strong Christian woman with a courageous heart and a mighty soul but I am weak to the prison that is my sin. I choose to do the things I know I shouldn't do in pursuit of something I shouldn't have. I want so badly to be loved that I forget God's love. Now that I am finally back on the path, limping a little but definitely on the path, I find myself pushing forward as if I'm in a race and I just want to glimpse the finish line but I know it's a thousand miles away. One foot in front of the other is all I can do at this point.

I woke up yesterday to the song 'Going Through the Motions' by Matthew West on the Christian Rock station and it's been with me since then - 2 full days of just repeating those words.

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

I honestly don't want to go through the motions anymore. I don't want to call myself a Christian and then find out that hell is really meeting the person you could have been. I want to be the person that others look at and say 'she's obviously figured it out'. My light has been out for the last few weeks and I want it back. I've been calling myself a Christian since I was a kid but not actually living it out. I'm sick of living a life of purity with other Christians and then going home to sin privately. I want to be a woman of God, His daughter. I want my light to come shining through in everything that I do.

God has blessed me so incredibly and this fast will allow me to really live out His plans for me without the distraction of men in my life. I was reading I Peter 3:8-12 during my devotions tonight and it really struck me that the relationships I have had were unGodly in more ways than I even thought, going against exactly what He's asked of me since He says:

⁸Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. ⁹Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. ¹⁰For,
"Whoever would love life
and see good days
must keep his tongue from evil
and his lips from deceitful speech.
¹¹He must turn from evil and do good;
he must seek peace and pursue it.
¹²For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their prayer,
but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."

I want to make sure to follow this to a T from now on. To give those who insult me blessings. To seek God's peace AND pursue it. Not just seek it but actually go AFTER it... run after it and really feel like I'm finding what He wants for me, not just what I want. I need to cure my addiction, cleanse my heart and my life and give myself the ability to find what it is that God has ready for me. This is just the beginning. Ready, set, pray!

Fasting From Men

2009-06-28T18:28:00.004-04:00

Fasting is an interesting practice. Many religions speak of fasting as a way to cleanse one's self, to refocus one's life, and to find harmony with the things around them by giving up things they desire. Even Wikipedia has an entire section on fasting: Fasting It's an admirable thing to do any Jesus talks about how we should fast in private so as not to do it so others admire us. The type of fasting I will be talking about is quite different than just the giving up of chocolate and I need to be held accountable as this kind of fasting is not something I can do without help.

I have decided to take a year-long sabbatical from something I desire: the male population. As a woman, I have a strong desire to be in a relationship and to be loved. I have been a serial dater since I was 17 and would like to take a break from the whole thing. Many factors have led to this decision but the biggest is my focus on two things I am striving for at a high velocity: the success of my business and my walk with God.

Paul talks in Corinthians about the idea of a life of solitude. 1 Cor 7: 8-9 says: I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can't manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single.

I am not the type who is happily in a relationship or happily without one. I would someday enjoy a happy marriage and the possibility of children but am also just as happy to be alone. Men have taken up much of my time over the last 10+ years and I've realized that since I have not allowed myself to focus on my own life, rather the life of the person I am with, I have lost myself and who I really am in the process. I want to take this year to understand myself, give myself the freedom to express who I am and allow myself the quiet time to reflect without the thoughts of what my significant other is doing.

My business has been going extremely well and I know it's being blessed by God, the people who touch my life and those who have a common vision that I am able to hire. I want to make sure I am staying focused on that and allowing myself the space to continue to work at that for a year to really get it off the ground and running efficiently. I don't worry that it won't be successful but if I am lacking focus, I could easily misstep.

My walk with God has been a big focus in my life also recently and as Paul said, a spouse or partner will remove the focus on God due to needing to think of that other person's desires also. If we are able to be alone, we can focus on what God is saying and doing in our lives without distraction. I desire God's strong voice in my life and want to make sure I have the open ears, time and capacity to hear Him. After today's message about 'ultimate satisfaction' and how God knows our dissatisfaction, I realized this year-long fast from men came at just the perfect time. I want that satisfaction and I have been extremely dissatisfied with what has been moving in my life that is not spiritual.

In saying this, as of July 1, 2009 - I have started a year-long sabbatical/fast from dating. There are rules I am instituting into this to make sure I stick to this. They are as follows:
1. No dating - period.
2. No spending time with a man alone without chaperon.
3. No speaking in ways that could be construed as unChristian-like.
4. No kissing, touching, or engaging in unChristian-like behavior
5. No asking or agreeing to spending time with a man unless it is in the accompaniment of others.
6. All activities must be approved by accountability partner prior to engaging in them.

This list can be modified or changed without notice as needed. I will be blogging about my trials and tribulations along with my epiphanies and exciting news along the way. Stay tuned! Let the fasting begin!

Baby-Sitters Club Books Search

2009-06-07T15:55:00.000-04:00

UPDATED 6/7/09 (Original post 4/11/09)

When I was younger, I was an avid Baby-Sitters Club book reader. The library would let me take out up to 5 at a time and I would devour them. I've been coming across more and more over the years and started collecting them. I have about 70 at the moment but would love the whole collection... possibly for future nieces or offspring.

I am on the hunt to complete my collection of Baby-Sitter Club books. If anyone has any of these, I will buy them... I won't pay more than 25-50c each since they aren't really worth anything. Please let me know if you come across any. I'm happy to pay for any I don't have. I'll keep this updated if anyone comes across any. I typically find them at yard sales and thrift stores. I appreciate all the help I can get.

The list can be found here (although I have a few that aren't listed): BabySitters Club Checklist

I'm looking for:
Regular: 14, 16, 18, 19, 21, 24, 25, 27, 29, 31, 33, 34, 42, 44, 45, 46, 48, 50, 54, 56, 57, 58, 63, 64, 66, 70-94, 97, 98, 101-110, 112-131
Special Book: Logan's Story, Logan Bruno, Shannon's Story
Mystery: 2, 3, 4, 7, 8, 10-16, 18-22, 24, 25, 28-36
Friends Forever: 1-12
Super Mystery: 2-4
Super Special: 2, 8

Please don't buy the Little Sister ones... I'm not interested in those.

THANK YOU to all who can help! Even one here or there!

Italia - Day Six

2009-06-01T10:32:00.004-04:00

We woke at 9am to the sound of torrential downpour – ugh. By 11am it had cleared up enough that we headed out for our day but took Metro from Termini to Octavvio and picked up my glasses (LOVE them)!! Then, through the pouring rain with all the other tourists with umbrellas, we set off to the Vatican. Michele was slipping so much in her flip flops that she started walking with bare feet through the rain on the cobblestones. When we got there, there were thousands of umbrellas and people standing in line. We decided it wasn’t worth going inside due to how packed it would be and how long we’d have to stand in line. After capturing a few photos and reminiscing about the movie last night, we headed to Castel d’Sant Angelo (which is the castle of the angels) and another spot from the movie. We had been there at night and I have to say that it was much more spectacular in the dark with all the lights. Just as the Vatican was so interesting because there were no tourists and it was all lit up.

Next, we moved onto Piazza Navona and although we had great pictures from our first night here, I felt the need to get a picture of me giving one of the statues in the fountain a high five. We walked toward the Pantheon (which is around the corner from Navona) again. Both of these places were also in the movie last night. The Pantheon is gorgeous inside, probably would have been a lot better if it had been sunny but after seeing Tom Hanks inside of it the night before, it felt more interesting. I hadn’t realized that it was a church, but here everything seems to be a church of some sort. We had lunch looking at the Pantheon and enjoyed watching tourists from all over the world. I love how in Rome you can walk down an alley and find yourself at ancient ruins amidst the city. You can see how the city was built up around it but I wonder what it looked like before all the buildings.

Addendum:

Michele and I went to Termini to get our tickets for tomorrow’s flight and then went to chill out waiting for 2 hours for Night at the Museum 2 to start. We laughed hysterically (well, ok, I’m a kid with movies like that) and headed for Cotto. As we walked in, we felt like regulars and were treated like queens. We got pictures with the guys that waited on us all week, they served us a free little cocktail and the peanuts/chips/olives from last time and we sat in the little waiting area relaxing before dinner. Our dinner was incredible – as usual. Michele got the pasta with seafood and I got the Deliziosa again along with a bottle of their house wine. When we were finished, we both got dessert – Michele with chocolate mousse (which was a flourless chocolate cake) and I got vaniglia truffle ice cream… the mix of the two was heaven. The waiters were ridiculously sweet and so helpful – even asking that we send them the picture of all of us to them for posterity. Such a perfect way to end our trip to Roma. I wish there was a place like that in the States.

I feel so relaxed and ready to come home and hit the ground running. Ready for whatever God has decided to give me. The path that he has paved for me has become much clearer throughout this entire trip. I’ll definitely write more in the next week about the God part but this has been an incredible end to our vacation – a true vacation. Now we’re jamming to Jamiroquai and I’m finally finishing my blog! Bless you for spending this time reading about my adventures and growth. Be home soon.

Check out the photo album of our highlights

Italia - Day Five

2009-06-01T10:29:00.003-04:00

Today was the day of sleeping in and relaxation. We have been running around for 4 days and realized we needed a real vacation of just being relaxed. It was so quiet and peaceful to sleep until 11am after a night of really seeing what God was doing in both of us. Michele and I were up until 2:30am last night just reveling in the mercy and grace of our great God. He has been showing us so much favor and blessing us on our trip. This trip would have been very different without Him as our guide. The people who have crossed our paths and the love we’ve felt is not something we could recreate on our own.

We found the Supermercato this morning around noon after we stumbled out of bed. We found yogurt, Cheerios, milk and ‘juice’ along with Italian pasta for Thorsten and sardines for my dad. It was nice eating in the room – our first real breakfast since we arrived. Commenting on how much we wish we could find Denny’s, we asked God to bless our ‘American’ meal and then showered and walked out for a day out. Although the map said that the Colosseo (Coliseum) was about 3 miles away, it was really only about a 10 minuto walk. Along the way to the Colosseo, we found some great little shops that had inexpensive, good quality clothing and shoes AND were open on Domenico (Sunday) so we decided to stop by on our way back. As we walked down the street, we realized there were no cars on the street. Everything had been blocked off for the Giro d’Italia (bike race) in Roma. As we got closer to the Colosseo, there was a lot of noise and a lot of people. Much to our dismay, most of it had been blocked off for the race and although we found a great spot up the hill to take pictures, it wasn’t the same… so, we will be back tomorrow instead.

Thus the shopping ensued. We found a great place that had bathing suits, underwear and some summer things and fell in love. I found a sexy little black bikini that I felt sexy in (amazing, right?) and some cute striped shorts and a tank along with 4 pairs of comfy undies for 50 euros. Michele found some cute pants, a skirt and a sexy orange bikini that made her feel sexy too. Then we went back to a place that screamed Michele and she found some really great clothes that spiced up the colors of her wardrobe. By then, we realized we were hungry and headed to Cotto again for lunch at 4pm.

Sitting outside under the umbrella in the beautiful courtyard, we ordered a bottle of wine and two fantastic pizzas (Campana and Deliziosa) and enjoyed a quiet afternoon in the cool breeze. The bartender kept making cute faces at us and brought us a little tray of olives, chips and peanuts because he said he felt blessed that we were alive. These little reminders that God is so in love with us and shows us through the people we encounter are irreplaceable. When we were finished, we changed into something a little nicer and headed for the Metro at Termini for a church service in the south only to come out at Subaugusta in torrential downpour. We made it across the street in a lighter rain and then it started raining harder. God must have been telling us that when we are in Rome, we must do as the Romans and we’ll get spiritually led at the Vatican tomorrow. Obviously need to listen to Him. When we got back to Termini, blue skies – can you say that it was ‘el signo de Dio?’

After getting a few more gifts for family and friends, we stopped at the ristorante on the corner and asked the waiter (who had been bugging me to have dinner with him) if he knew where the Warner Village Cinema was. Right around the corner! Warner Village has English movies that are untranslated – YAY! Both Michele and I felt very led to see Angels and Demons while in Rome and it just so happens to be playing in English the day before we go to the Vatican around the corner from where we are staying. ‘El signo de Dio’s are everywhere!

Later:

It’s almost 2am again and it’s still really day five but I feel the need to explain something. This evening was orchestrated by God, there seems to be no other explanation for it. When we decided to go to church today, we went to the torrential downpour 13 stops away from our hotel. We realized it wasn’t meant to be since we really didn’t know where we were going and it was pouring so we went back 13 stops. During the Metro ride, we saw the commercial for the un-translated movies and it reminded me that it was Warner Village. After we arrived at Termini, I told Michele that we should stop by the postcard place to get these artsy postcards and as we were walking toward the corner, I told her we should ask the waiter. She said that maybe we should just go home and check online but since we did stop and ask him, we were a short walk away from the theatre. The timing was perfect as it left us about 2 hours before we had to go to see Angels and Demons. It seemed like just the right thing to do.

Let me tell you – it was an INCREDIBLE movie. It doesn't even 'trash' the Catholic religion but because it brings hope for things to come – a unity of sorts between Catholics and other faiths. It allowed me to see the treachery of this infamous religion but also see the heart and soul of what it was founded on. Throughout the whole movie we kept exclaiming that we had just been at each of the places today or recently and when we walked out, we were in Rome! What a time and place to see a movie like that. Now tomorrow has been reorganized and we’re going to do some serious sightseeing. If we had gone to see the movie tomorrow or when we returned or even before we came, we wouldn’t have been able to see everything that we felt pulled to see. I’m sure this doesn’t make much sense but we both feel that God has placed some serious roots in both of us to feel His love and find His peace through our last day here. We keep thinking of it as the grand finale and it will be the most incredible day.

On the schedule is the Coliseum (Colosseo), Forum (Foro Romano), Campidoglio, Pantheon, Castel Sant Angelo (St. Angelo’s Castle) again, Vatican City tour, Piazza del Popolo, and back through the Fontana di Trevi (Trevi Fountain). I’ll be able to pick up my new eyeglasses and see the whole city. It’s all walking distance and will make for an exhausting and wonderful last day – all seen through different eyes after this movie.

What an incredible day – fully brought to us by God.

Ciao!

Italia - Day Four

2009-05-30T18:27:00.003-04:00

Last night after I wrote, I went to Termini to get our tickets for Florence. It was a relaxing little walk to and from the ‘stazione’ and I stopped to pick up postcards on the way back. The trip was much cheaper than we expected and the man told me that it would be 2 hours there, 2 hours back. (you’ll find out that I was obviously lied to). Michele and I went around the corner from our hotel to Ristorante Cotto, a VERY urban contemporary Italian place that seemed very American/Italian in looks but the food was delicious. We sat for 3 hours talking, I had mozzarella/tomato/arugula pizza and Michele had a scrawny chicken with rosemary potatoes, a bottle of white house wine (vino de bianco) and tiramisu for dessert. I was getting a picture in the restaurant and the waiter came up and decided to be in it with me. That seems to happen a lot! All in all, it was a wonderful evening.

Written at 10:30am:
Michele and I have been here for four full days and it feels as if it’s been a few weeks. I woke up at 7am after 5 hours of sleep and ran through the streets of Rome for about 20 minutes. My lungs and legs seem to be getting better acclimated to running again and the cool air helped. It rained last night and some of the clouds were left over. Now we are on our way to Firenze (Florence) for the day. It’s much colder today than it has been – a welcomed relief. The train ride has seemed a bit frustrating to me so far but it’s probably because I’m missing my light today. The shininess isn’t with me and probably by my own accord. Frustrated by the child smacking his pizza and kicking his ball into my shins, we moved to a place where a woman scolded me in Italian that they don’t put their feet on the seats.

Written now:
I have been reading a book called Crazy Love – Overwhelmed by a Relentless God by Francis Chan. It’s an incredible book that gives HUGE insight into the love we should have for Him and the love He has for us. I’ll blog more about my findings after my trip but I have to mention that it’s been a part of some growth and learning for me while I’ve been here. I’ve been hungry for that kind of love, a love that I can’t seem to find here on earth because it doesn’t exist. The love of the Creator Himself. Back to that at a later date, my journal is filling to the brim with things I want to share in the near future.

What I was saying earlier about hearing the 2 hours to Firenze was a lie – it ended up being 4 hours and we were in a hurry from our hotel to the train station that we had not eaten any breakfast and were STARVING after 4 hours sitting on a train without anything but water. The first thing we did when we got off the train was head for food. We found an incredible place called Palle D’Oro that didn’t seem to be a touristy place and got ¾ of a liter of vino bianco and Caprese. Wow… Then, the gnocchi’s with meat sauce came. Heaven on a plate. They were little soft pearls of potato pasta in a perfectly seasoned sauce with chunks of beef. We were elated to finally get really homemade, well done pasta in Italy.

After that we started shopping and picked up things for our families, friends and selves. All the little stalls had the same things though… we felt like we were walking in circles since the same bags, leather jackets, cashmere scarves, ties, beads and Italy-wear were in every stall. We found some things we had hoped for but it seemed a bit of a let-down compared to what we expected. We then tried to see David in the museo but the line wasn’t worth waiting for, especially since we were on a time limit. We found the outdoor David along with many other statues of, what looked like, threesomes and strife. We went to the main Cathedral, which was beautiful (and got some ‘holy’ pictures inside), then found the Ponte Vecchio (old bridge) with buildings on it and then continued back to our shopping.

By the time we finished shopping, we had to start heading back toward the train and stopped into a little market for water, some cheese, prosciutto, and strawberries (fragola) for the ride back to Roma. The 4-hour ride back was uneventful although I wrote a ton about what I had been reading about being in love with God and not being a lukewarm Christian. The things I am seeing with my open eyes… I am so blessed.

The next two days will be spent at the Coliseum, going to a charismatic church in Rome (I know, I have a hard time believing there is one), doing the Vatican tour and picking up my new glasses. I’ve realized that since we’ve been here, we’ve had helpful people every step of the way. Everyone has been extremely accommodating, easy to speak with, and willing to lend a helping hand. Even after feeling crappy the other day, a drunken Spaniard lifted my spirits and made me laugh. I know that these people are not getting anything from us for their time and effort but I hope they feel as blessed as I do. Hopefully my light will continue to get brighter.

In my Real Simple magazine, I read a quote that I’ll share with you: “There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” – Edith Wharton. I want to be a candle of light and if I can’t, I want to reflect God’s love from that. This trip is showing me how to slow down, take inventory of the things I have been blessed with and figure out how to use those things to bless others with. I look forward to finding a way to be that blessing.

Ciao!

Italia - Day Three

2009-05-29T14:31:00.002-04:00

What a perfect day to sleep late. We woke up around 9 and looked at each other and said “more sleep”. At 11, I rolled out of bed, threw on running gear and ran down the street. The city seemed to be just waking up and tourists were packing the streets. The shops were open, restaurants were ready for paying customers and gelato shops were ready for the overheated. As Italians are not runners by nature, I found myself getting laughs and stares… my city style black running outfit and white Saucony’s were as out of place as my blond hair and blue eyes but I was hitting the cobblestones with a renewed love for running. I have a stress fracture in my right foot preventing me from running for almost a month and the 20 minutes of glorious running in the Italian sun started my day off just right.

Getting back to the room sweating profusely, Michele and I got ready for a day at the Vatican. Knees and shoulders must be covered – but what about all the cleavage in this city? Does the holy city not care about boob-coverage?!

Let me get off on a little tangent for just a moment. Since we arrived in Italy, all the women seem to wear painted on pants, 3+” heels and every possible inch of their breasts on display. The hair is another story, which I won’t get into. Why is it that the place where the nuns, priests and the Pope live the one place you see the most seductive women in the world? Is there a reason to put everything out there for men to stray off a straight path? I am not the most proper American but I find it almost repulsive to be walking around with all my goods exposed. I can’t imagine being a man in this city, especially a newcomer since even I couldn’t keep my eyes away from the lack of modesty.

Back to the day – Michele and I found a bus near our hotel that took us to S. Pietro and as we got closer to the Vatican, the bus became more packed. The overwhelming smell of armpits continued to wash over me as more Italians raised their arms to hold onto the bars of the bus. As close as a full can of sardines, we finally broke free and headed through the entrance to St. Peter’s Cathedral and found a small restaurant (Amalfi Pizzeria) on the other side. My calzone with ham and mozzarella was delicious and the ½ liter of white wine washed it down perfectly. We saw the line for the cathedral as we passed through and decided it would be better to just go shopping for the day.

Shopping was interesting as Italian women follow you around the store having you try on a jacket with the skirt you decided you wanted. Michele and I both found white linen pants, I scored a beautiful white summer dress and some black Roman sandals. Jack is going to be the proud owner of an adorable outfit with Italian on it and my mom is going to love the shirt I found for her. We even saw men’s underwear with corn printed on it and one large cob strategically placed (had to get a picture of this).

As we decided we were done for the day, we headed back toward the Metro and I spotted a glasses shop with a pair of Prada eyewear in the window… we walked in. I have been in need of some variety of glasses and desperately needed a pair that was better quality. I tried them on and they fit perfectly… tortoise shell with bronze diamonds on the sides. I fell in love – see, I knew I’d find love in Roma. The man in the shop had be try on a few other pairs but the first ones were exactly what I wanted. He found a black pair with pink diamonds on the sides and I fell in love with those too. He said he could have them ready for me the following day with my prescription… I handed over my debit card and said I’d be back Monday… in LOVE with two pairs of glasses… Prada from Roma. Wow!

Once we arrived back at Termini, we purchased two tickets to Napoli Centrale but realized when we asked the concierge at the hotel that it wasn’t the best idea to try to make it to Positano as you needed to take to boats and the price was tremendous. So, instead of Venice or Positano, we will be heading to Florence like we originally planned and enjoying the day at the markets there. I’m on my way back to the train station to change tickets now.

The rest of this evening will be spent working (Michele on an annual report and me on my business sites’ interior pages) and enjoying a nice meal out as it’s almost 8pm. What a relaxing day. Off we will go to Florence early tomorrow.

Ciao!

Italia - Day Two

2009-05-28T23:59:00.000-04:00

Still not influenced as much by the time difference, I was up late last night and up early this morning. 7am wake up, showered and ready to hit the beach. Still in shock that today is only day two of this great adventure, Michele and I headed for Termini buying grapes, an orange and Gatorade for the trek to Sperlonga. Sperlonga is a beach town about an hour outside of Rome costing about $16 RT to visit. We quickly found out how the Italian ‘tren’ schedule works… not very well unless you’re watching the ever-changing digital boards like a hawk. We sat at #13 waiting for our train for about 20 minutes before realizing it wasn’t coming. When we did find it, it had just left a different terminal so we missed it. We decided to get coffee and wait for the next one… a foamy upper lip and a chocolate muffin later, we found our new train about an hour after our first was to leave and this one was 30 minutes late. Finally, at 10:30 we boarded a train and headed through the beautiful countryside of outer Rome. Vineyards and villas, rolling hills and trees along the track made for a scenic ride.

About 90 minutes later, we arrived at Sperlonga and went out to wait for the bus. A taxi driver asked us where we were going and tried to get us to coerce others to come with us and go but we found a wonderful Canadian Italian named Tony who explained how the taxi’s weren’t legal and that the bus was only a euro. We talked to her and another American couple who were visiting the beach for the day. Tony gave us great advice and told us about a Patecceria y Gelataria in Sperlonga that was to die for.

Once we arrived in the older area of town, we found a place to get pesto pasta that was fresh and delicious in a little walled in garden area in the beautiful little village. Time for the beach… the water was cold but welcome, it was so clear and clean and the waves crashed into me pulling at my bikini bottoms a few times. I looked up and saw the village on the hill cascading down the side and ending just before the water. The little whitewashed homes were picturesque. We rented chairs and an umbrella but sat in the sun with 15SPF the whole time just soaking up the rays. It was peaceful and the white wine (which they filled water bottles with) hit the spot. A little tipsy was I when we headed for the gelato shop to get some pastries and caffe gelato and tried to find the bus. Walking all over the main street but no signs were found. We found Tony again who told us we were in the right spot but after having her to chat with (and feed us incredible fruit), we had waited 2 hours and were really ready to get on the train. Finally I asked someone local and she directed me to a woman who spoke English and Italian. This woman finally found someone who said that the bus would be there at 7:30 (we had been waiting since just after the 5pm bus).

The train ride home was peaceful and we arrived back at Termini around 9pm. While we were walking through the station we decided to check the prices for tickets to Florence and Positano and then decided to see what it would cost to go to Venice and how long it would take. When we found that Positano was 3 hours/$20 one way, Florence was 3 hours and $60 one way, we decided to see about Venice. $80 and 4 hours… Saturday will be our trip up to Venice. Monday will be Positano. This trip is anything but planned out and always changing.

After getting freshened up, I had a bit of a rude awakening and a sadness washed over me, so we decided to head out for dinner (definitely on Italian eating schedule) and find pizza and wine. I finally found cheer and a smile crept across my face after dinner. The area we went was beautiful and packed with people while the pizza and wine were delicious. We went to the bus stop to head back to the hotel and found ourselves entertained by a drunk Spaniard. His friends were obviously hoping we wouldn’t be offended and he was teasing everyone. Michele started talking to a guy who ended up trying to guess her age and pronounced ‘imposible!’ when she told him. The Spaniard had an affinity for me and by the end, I was laughing so hard and we were dancing in the courtyard waiting for the bus. Even on the bus, he was tickling men who walked by and no one seemed offended.

A beautiful day at the beach followed by a great dinner and some much needed laughter. Tomorrow, we are off to the Coliseum, the Sistine Chapel, Campo de Fiore and shopping (and probably a million other things). How is it possible that we’ve only been here two days?!

Ciao!

Italia - Day One

2009-05-27T19:10:00.003-04:00

Sleepless 8.5 hour flight + 1.5 hrs waiting for bags and customs + 1 hour waiting for train and arriving at Roma Termini. Michele and I had an incredible flight over, a few shaky moments but spent a lot of time really listening to what God was saying. I wrote some incredible things which I’ll share after my trip.

Arriving in Rome’s airport with hundreds of other passengers, some returning home, others on holiday, Michele and I found ourselves exhausted and ready for a shower. We made our way through the airport, retrieved our bags and headed for the train. The train station was something out of a movie (probably has been used for movies) and hadn’t been cleaned since it was built. Every train that pulled into the station was covered in graffiti. Once we finally found seats on a train headed for Rome, we watched as the countryside and rolled hay became run down city limits and I started to worry that Italy wasn’t what I imagined. Clotheslines hanging off balconies, thousands of TV antennas, broken down cars, more graffiti… We pulled into Roma Termini and de-trained heading for our hotel. A few blocks later, we walked through a huge doorway into a beautiful courtyard and an English-speaking receptionist helped us to our room.

The room overlooks the Teatro Opera and is spacious compared to other European hotels. There is a chandelier on the ceiling, a huge flat screen tv and dvd player (not that we’ll need it), an absolutely STUNNING bathroom with a rain shower and jets along with a bidet and glass sink. The shower I took was heaven… I fell in love right there.

Once we were showered and changed, we headed to the streets for food. Everyone around us was getting ready for the big football game (Manchester against Italia) and the men were singing at the top of their lungs. We found a little spot in the sun and ordered pasta – after wanting to eat our hands we finally received our food and were very disappointed – it tasted like something I could cook in my microwave. So much for that!

We headed for the Trevi fountain and as I was trying to take a picture of us, an Italian man pulled my camera away and took it for me – then said something in Italian, blew a kiss and walked away. The Trevi fountain is majestic… pictures don’t describe it but I’ve tried to capture it for those who haven’t seen it in person. There were thousands of people surrounding it talking to each other and getting ready for the game – everything is so communal here.

Michele and I grabbed some gelato (caffe and tiramisu for me) and the man behind the counter asked where I was from, grabbed my hand, kissed it and called me princess… he was about 60. Sweet man. We girls decided to head to the Spanish steps, which weren’t as impressive as I expected, mostly a place to hang out. The boat fountain was interesting though and the ‘Rodeo Drive’-esque area behind it was incredible. Versace, Prada, Yves St. Laurent, Gucci – all in one area. I was a little star-studded just walking down the street.

We started heading toward the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and decided it would be our last stop before we headed back for an infamous Italian nap. The architecture was amazing and there are two soldiers guarding it at all times. The soldiers are not like our men in the US, they didn’t stand at attention – just stood there looking around. Didn’t seem to be ‘guarding’. We got some fun pictures and headed back to the hotel.

After a wonderful 2 hour nap, we got things organized for the week and headed to dinner around 8pm at the place below our hotel. Dinner was excellent – the noodles I had were definitely homemade and so delicious. A small bottle of white wine and two pasta dishes came to $35 American… not bad! Then we were off to see more of the city. We headed to Termini to pick up our train tickets for the beach in the morning and jumped on the 64 bus to somewhere in another part of the city. We got off at the wrong stop but found a castle of a saint (can’t remember which) and saw the Vatican to our left. Something told us we really needed to head that way… the Vatican at night – wow. It’s magnificent! It’ll be interesting to see it during the day. I was thoroughly impressed by it. After we finished our picture taking, we sat down and really prayed… it was soul cleansing, felt like we were in His presence and called to be right there at that moment. He’s showing us some out-of-this-world things… much deeper than sightseeing.

We then realized we needed gelato again… we walked to the place we had hoped to find earlier and found gelato – this time I had mango and strawberry. Mmm…. We got funny pictures at the fountain and struck up a conversation with a guy who sat next to us (an Italian musician/poet) and then realized we needed to go home. We walked right into the Pantheon – which at night… can’t describe it. It’s HUGE!

Picked up a bus after that and headed home. I think this was one of the longest days of my life… but one of the best! Looking forward to a beautiful day relaxing at the beach and unwinding after weeks of preparation for this trip. Need to get recharged so I can enjoy the rest of this trip.

Check out some of our pictures here. Ciao!

Preparation for Italian Adventure

2009-05-23T20:19:00.003-04:00

My, how life has changed. One minute I'm plugging away 40 hours a week, trying to figure out what to do with my evenings and the next minute I'm working for myself 80+ hours a week and trying to figure out how to have a social life. Don't get me wrong, I am ridiculously happy about my present circumstances and busy with enough work that I had to hire an assistant (thanks @themamateresa). God has really taken everything that I've ever wanted and dreamed of and handed it to me on a silver platter - and then some. I can't be more pleased and more grateful for the things that are going on in my life. Happiness is really allowing God to direct your path.

Now I'm leaving in 3 days for a week-long Italian Adventure with Ms. Shelly-Belly AKA Michele. God's little girls are going to experience romance in Italy and feel the love from their Father on a whirlwind trip across the ocean. I have been working every day to get everything caught up so that next week is quiet and I have no work to think about while I'm away. A lot of odd things have been happening lately, along with some spiritually heavy issues but all-in-all, it's been an incredible ride these last 6 weeks. I am growing and changing and finding that God has it all taken care of before I can even think of what is coming next.

As I pack and get ready for this excursion, I need to stay focused and keep praying that God shows me what doors are open and which are closed. Praying that He will protect us and keep us from harm and allow us to see His full light. As a shining beacon of God's light already, I hope to meet new people, find peace in a new place and capture the attention of the One who has given me this passion for travel. I plan to blog while I'm away to make sure to keep memories of my trip abroad and to reflect on the things God has shown me.

I am almost ready. Just a few more days until I head off on this exciting new experience.

Love Never Fails

2009-04-19T09:37:00.003-04:00

While driving home from visiting my family recently, I heard a song on one of my new Brandon Heath CD's that touched me so deeply... The song "Love Never Fails" is based on 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. It is a common verse heard at weddings which almost anyone, even those who do not believe, know very well:
"Love is always patient; love is always kind; love is never envious or arrogant with pride."

But if continues much deeper:
"Nor is she conceited, and she is never rude; she never thinks just of herself or ever get annoyed. She never is resentful; is never glad with sin, but always glad to side with truth, whene'er the truth should win.

She bears up under everything, believes the best in all, there is no limit to her hope, and she will never fall. Love never fails."

We all know the first sentence but I think we forget the rest. When two people fall in 'love' with each other and find themselves in a loving relationship, it can be beautiful. Many tend to let the real love fall aside and move into the prideful phase - this is where relationships have a tendency to fail. Every one of mine has failed - mostly due to this. 'She never thinks just of herself or ever get annoyed' - is that even possible? I don't remember the last time I was in a relationship where I 'believed the best in all and had no limit in my hope'. Is that a fault of being human, being me or having a tainted past?

When it comes to friends, this passage bears SO truthfully and is right on target. My friends know that, I know that about my friends and no one would think differently. if they were to see us together. I love my friends, they love me. We would do anything for each other, or at least I have hope that we would. That's love. This verse really shows me what I have to build up to. If a relationship becomes prideful, a fall is inevitable. If I treat my friends with utter respect and love and follow the 'rules' 1 Corinthians proclaims, yet when I find myself in a relationship and it has passed the 'rose-colored' phase and can't recognize myself, how can I believe that is love? That leads to a much deeper question: How do we really know what love is?

I've thought I was in love numerous times only to walk away jaded and hurt and/or causing obvious pain to the person I thought was the love of my life. I have battled, I have fought, I've screamed, slammed things, thrown things, wanted to throw myself off the 3rd story floor, cried, been in so much pain that I hoped tomorrow wouldn't come... for what? Is that what love really is? If that's the case, I honestly don't want it anymore.

Then I heard this song... Love Never Fails. Two of my fellow church members are getting married in on May 17 during one of our church services and they have asked me to sing during their ceremony. After hearing this song on my long ride home, I realized that God was prompting me to sing this song for them. I couldn't think of a better thing to do! The next day, I went to church and mentioned this to my pastor, he said that he wasn't so sure but he had it as canned music for that day's Communion. I walked up to the bride and told her that the song would be playing during Communion that I wanted to sing at her wedding and to let me know what she thought. By the end of the song, joyful tears were streaming down her face and she told me that it would be such a gift for me to sing that for them. God obviously speaks and I am finally listening.

This whole interaction has shown me that His love never fails... NEVER. No matter what pain I am in, what hurt I deal with, what joy I am going through - He is there and will NEVER leave me. He is my one true love. The love of my life. He will never fail me and when He believes that I am ready to truly accept what He wants for me, I know He will show me an earthly love like I could never imagine. He gives me so much and I keep looking for love here on earth. There's a song that says "Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?" (By My Side - Tenth Avenue North) I am done looking for earthly love... very few people have not failed me and few people have I not failed in this 'love' thing... but I know that with God loving me and my loving Him, how could anything hurt me again? See what I mean about the song below... listen to it, meditate on it, really hear it... as many times as I've heard the passage in 1 Corinthians, I finally get it. It's your turn.

Love Never Fails - Brandon Heath
Love is not proud
Love does not boast
Love after all
Matters the most

Love does not run
Love does not hide
Love does not keep
Locked inside

Love is the river that flows through
Love never fails you

Love will sustain
Love will provide
Love will not cease
At the end of time

Love will protect
Love always hopes
Love still believes
When you don’t

Love is the arms that are holding you
Love never fails you

When my heart won’t make a sound
When I can’t turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this
Greater than this

Love is right here
Love is alive
Love is the way
The truth the life

Love is the river than flows through
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love is the place you will fly to
Love never fails you

The Christian Example - Romans 12:6-21

2009-04-19T09:31:00.004-04:00

“6 Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, whether prophecy, let us prophesy according to the proportion of faith; 7 Or ministry, let us wait on our ministering: or he that teaches, on teaching; 8 Or he that exhorts, on exhortation: he that gives, let him do it with simplicity; he that rules, with diligence; he that shows mercy, with cheerfulness. 9 Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good. 10 Be kindly affectionate one to another with brotherly love; in honor preferring one another; 11 Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord; 12 Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer; 13 Distributing to the necessity of saints; given to hospitality. 14 Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not. 15 Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep. 16 Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits. 17 Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. 18 If it be possible, as much as lies in you, live peaceably with all men. 19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, says the Lord. 20 Therefore if your enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shall heap coals of fire on his head. 21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:6-21)

Loving one another doesn't seem like that hard of a concept for us as humans but it seems to be something we struggle with everyday. In the great metropolitan area of DC we see homeless, beggars, hungry - but we also see the angry, the hateful, the hurt, the weak. "Bless those who curse you." That's not an easy thing. Our blood pressure boils when someone honks at us because we sat at the green light for a second, or someone flips us off. "Bless those who curse you." "Love your neighbor".

I have a Christian Truth 'fish' (eating the Darwin 'fish') on the back of my car - it's a huge preventative to flipping someone off. If was to do that, how would that show them I am a Christian? It's a pretty simple concept but something I have a hard time with in so many aspects of my life. It comes down to much more simple things than even being nice to those who are hateful to you. I've heard a lot lately that a smile is the same in every language. I've been trying to smile more - at everyone I walk past, run by, drive by, etc. There was a man standing on the corner begging as I left the grocery store yesterday. He looked poor, disheveled and sad... as he walked by my car, he SMILED at me. It was a pure genuine smile. He didn't even come up to my car when I genuinely smiled back. I felt like his little light touched me. I reached into my console and saw pennies... with dollar bills sitting on top. I normally don't do this but I called out 'Sir' and he was grateful to accept what I gave him and said "God bless you." Yes, God blesses each of us... give to those who are less fortunate... He blessed me in our little transaction. Something I won't forget.

This passage tells us that we need to accept all of those who God has given blessings - prophecy, hospitality, ministry, teaching, ruling, mercy, giving, etc. We are all saved sinners that make up the body of Christ. The Church is not a building, not an institution, not a religion like so many mistake it for... it is a people. A group of sinners who gather at the feet of Christ. We each make up a different piece of that body and without the others, we will never be able to grow as we should.

I believe that I am changing pieces - possibly becoming the piece that I always should have been. I am becoming a light... a bright and shining light of what God has done in my life. I still fall, I still need to be picked up but who doesn't. I feel like God is showing me and allowing me to fall down so I have to depend on others to help me back up. If we don't depend on others, how can we really be part of the body of Christ? The light that shines through me comes out in my spreading God's love and hope. Maybe I am becoming the lips... or a hand to hold... or arms to hug. I'm not sure but I am striving to be at the feet of Jesus and to help others to know that wondrous peace that I have found. The peace of being a part of Christ's family.

Let's love each other - give to each other - help each other - we are all part of one body and those who are not part of that body should see the body as a place they want to run to. If we don't show them, who will?

Isaiah 26:3 - Peace Comes Through Trusting Him

2009-04-15T09:52:00.003-04:00

Each night before I go to bed, I pray... a heartfelt prayer of thankfulness, hope, guidance and peace. I've been asking a lot for forgiveness since I tend to stop and look at the flowers and then walk off on a side path while I should really being walking down the road of faithfulness with Him. I know God is listening and I know that every day He shows me new things about who I am, the woman I am becoming, the change in me that is becoming more apparent and so much more. No matter how much I stray from His righteous road, He brings me to my knees and I beg for forgiveness for the things I've made Him cry about.

Last night I read about seeing the signs God puts before us instead of being ignorant to them. I know that I pray a lot for guidance and question Him for the things that have happened in my life but I realize that I've passed by His signs and taken the wrong roads on my own. Looking back He always made it very clear that I was doing the wrong thing but has forgiven me and allowed me to make the best of it while learning from it in the end. These signs He's displaying are now becoming more clear and popping up everywhere, like billboards instead of hand-made yard sale signs.

This morning while doing my devotional, I mixed up verses and read a different one from the one laid out for today. Instead of Psalm 26:2-3, I read Isaiah 26:2-3 - my bible was even open to Isaiah when I opened it. It says: "Open the gates, that the righteous nation may enter, the one that remains faithful. The steadfast of mind Thou wilt keep in perfect peace, Because he trusts in me." Even the verses I was supposed to read today go hand in hand with this: "Examine me, O Lord, and try me; test my mind and heart. For Thy lovingkindness is before my eyes, and I have walked in Thy truth."

I ask God for peace about my house situation in CA, my new career move, if I am meant to stay in the DC area, friends of mine, who I am becoming, etc. I ask for peace... but all He said is that I have to trust in Him and He will give me the perfect peace. 'The steadfast mind Thou will keep in perfect peace." How much simpler can it be said?

Trust that God will take up your worry - just give it all to Him. He has such great things in store for me and you... are you open to allowing them to happen?

Love Your Neighbor

2009-04-13T08:10:00.003-04:00

A spiritual attack is not a battle of flesh but a battle of something out of our understanding and control but how we deal with a spiritual attack is within our control. The most at-risk for a spiritual attack are new believers and effective believers. I've never been someone that Satan has to worry about. Most of my life I've done and said the right things at the right times and pretended to be an upstanding member of the community. I was a good person but being a Christian goes way deeper than just being a good person. I know many good people who aren't believers and that doesn't make them Christian.

Over the last 6 months or so I've been pushing myself with two things: exercise and God. They both come with the same growing pains and difficulties. With running I have to push myself past the feelings of 'can't' and realize that I can and I will keep going. With God I have to continually push past the feelings of 'no time' and realize that I can make time and will keep talking to Him. Because of my pushing myself, I've crossed the finish line of a 10-miler and am running God's race showing Him that I stand for everything that He is. I am his daughter and will show the world that I am.

Through pushing myself and constantly talking to God, I have become a strong, communicative Christian (well, I'm still working at it) and this has caused me to become a formidable enemy of Satan. Satan doesn't care about people who are like I used to be. Those who say they are Christians and don't act like it are his favorites... he doesn't even have to coerce them into doing un-Godly things, they can do it all on their own which pushes God further away. Now that I have started walking the walk, I am starting to see what Frank Peretti illustrates in his books about spiritual warfare. It's ugly and I believe I'm just seeing the beginning of it. As a practicing Christian, I will have to stand up and allow the angels above me to fight the demons and learn to walk away or not accept invitations to put myself in Satan's path.

To explain... Easter was a beautiful day with a lot of growth for me. My eyes were opened to really seeing what Easter was all about for the first Easter. I've been to 29 Easter services and this one really got me. God allowed me to just soak in His presence and I reveled in it thinking that no one could take it away from me. That evening, I went to Easter dinner at a friend's family members house, a man who is openly gay and in his 50's. I have always been accepting of anyone's background and who they are and don't impose my beliefs on anyone. The evening started off fine enough with talk of the day, learning about each other, etc and I was told that I was very pretty and probably got through life easier because of my looks. I didn't take anything offensively and we got through dinner with only a few little snippy comments about my lack of voting and belief of Jesus.

Nearing the end of dinner, I started seeing hate in his eyes and the conversation was directly attacking me. My attacker was sitting in front of me, a man who I had only just met, telling me that I was an imbecile, had no brain, got by on looks alone, had no sense of the world, Jesus was a myth, people from the country know nothing, etc etc etc. After listening to this and only slightly defending myself, my friend jumped in and his hate got more vengeful. It became a full-on attack of my character and beliefs and hate just flew from his mouth. I realized at around the point that tears started welling up in my eyes that this was not a physical attack but a spiritual one. I found that Satan had been sitting in his lair and I was invited to enter. All evening I was made fun of by a man who knew nothing about me and although he had no reason to jump on me, I knew it wasn't really him.

As I was getting up to leave, this man repeated "You will think back on this night when I'm long dead and realized that it was lifechanging." How prophetic, only not in the way he believed. I left shaking violently and found my way home crying realizing that I was just assaulted by a man who stands for everything my God stands against. The attack was out of nowhere but I put myself in that position and realized that I will not allow that to happen again.

Since last night I've felt drained but have continued talking to God, asking Him to take care of my friend and to find a way to keep me from being hardened toward people like him. This was not a battle of flesh but of spirits. I look back on that dining room and see the battle going on over our heads.

My Bible study this morning was based on Luke 10:25-37. Luke 10:27 says "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind.' and 'Love your neighbor as yourself'." It talked about our relationships with others being a direct reflection of our relationship with Christ. It's very true and is helping me to understand how I can't hate this man for what he has done or who he is. Even though he has attacked me, I did what was right and didn't allow myself to say hateful words in return or feel hatred for him. He is my neighbor and God loves him even though He doesn't love what he does.

I realized that this moment was something I would remember for the rest of my life... just as he said. I have to take this as a HUGE compliment since Satan attacks new Christians and effective Christians. I must be a new, effective Christian... even though I've known Christ my whole life, my relationship with Him now is so brand new. If Satan is worried and will attack because of this, bring it on. I'm ready - I have God and his whole host of angels on my side. I will love my neighbors no matter what they do or say to me. I can do nothing more. God is my father - how can I fail?!

Cherry Blossom 10-miler - I DID IT!!!

2009-04-06T15:33:00.003-04:00

April 5, 2009
6:00am: Woke up with a sore throat and a worry that I was late for the race. "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath was playing and Michele prayed healing over me

6:30am: Bailey is walked, I'm putzing around afraid that when I leave, I won't be coming back

7:00am: finally on Metro but now afraid the race would start without me

7:35am: at the race, stuck in the middle of all the slow runners

7:40am: the fast runners start running

7:56am: Put in my headphones and finally crossed the start line

First two miles: slow jogging... trying to get around the super slow people. Wondering how I'd finish in under 2:20 if people are so slow

Blur: that's how the rest of it went. Around mile 6, realized I was going to explode if I didn't pee and finally found a bathroom that didn't have an hour-long line. Overall, quite an easy run - no hills, only dodging slow runners. Took up most of energy dodging slow runners and took 10-second breaks to get water. Amazed that there were so few cherry blossom trees en route but also didn't look for them. Lots of people wearing pink (including me). Lots of people with sweaty bums. Wish I had 'run and not grow weary' printed on the back of my shirt. Saw guy with 'Up Yours' on his back.

Last two miles: Finally found some Gatorade and took off - ready to conquer the last 2 miles. Saw Kristin cheering at Mile 8. Excited to almost be done. Mile 9 was a bit tough but the knowledge that it was almost over helped. A girl was holding a sign with 'free lap dance at finish line' on it... ?? Mile 9.5 was rough since it was the only hill but told self that all I did was hills so this was cake. Last .25 mile was downhill and right to the finish line... sprinted... faster than I ever have before... I am fast, fast like wind.

Finish line: I DID IT!!!! 1:41:43.

The whole race was pretty easy, didn't run at my full speed but just wanted to finish. Couldn't run at full speed due to super slow people. Wanted to complete race in 1:45 but REALLY wanted to do it in under 1:40. Realize now that there's no way I'm running with the super slow people again... not my style. But hey, this was the first 10-miler... now have the summer to train for Half-Marathon! WOO HOO!

Thank you for all the support, all the love and encouragement and a special thanks to Michele for waking up early with me, going down and standing for 2 hours waiting for me and being ridiculously cheerful - only to go back on Metro and go home. Friends are there for a reason... she proved what a great friend she is. We're all part of a team... GO TEAM!

Shining His Light

2009-04-04T17:05:00.004-04:00

God calls us to be a beacon of light to the world. He asks that we do good by His name. As his children, He asks that be imitators of Him and show the world His love through our human interaction.

When I was a child, my dad always told us that we needed to be careful what we did/said because it would be a reflection of him and our family name. I never really understood this until I got older. I always thought he was being an old man and that those rules didn't really apply to us since it wasn't the old ages anymore. When I grew up and left home, I wandered from his fold and God's fold and my path became extremely rocky and hard. From time to time I went back to God to feel his warmth again but would always go back to doing what I wanted.

Recently I've come to realize that I cannot have one foot in the world and the other in heaven. I must have both feet planted firmly in heaven. As humans, we all make mistakes but, in the end, we must follow what our Heavenly Father has asked us to do. My earthly father emulates what my Heavenly Father is and I should do so too. Something my father said recently struck a significant chord with me: "When you ask people on the street what a Christian is, they say all of the things that Christians wouldn't do/say. When you ask a Christian what a Christian is, they say that the path is not easy."

God has shown Himself to me lately in ways I've never seen before. He has filled me up to the brim and shown me how much I'm worth. My self-worth is now based in Him, not in the people that surround me. He gives me everything I need and I am never wanting. I have welcomed God back into my life as I never have before. I know that I've just given lip-service to Him in the past but now I'm really following what His will is.

Friends that have seen me very recently have seen this happiness in me - this 'filled' look on my face that they've never seen before. This is the first time in years that I have felt happy enough to want to burst out of my skin. I would be fortunate if I was able to enter heaven's gates right now... God has shown me that He is worth living for.

This last week has shown me a lot about my strength, my direction and my motivation. I've been uplifting and encouraging to friends without any thought to my own gain. I see that my biggest gain is happiness by feeling the amount of excitement come from a friend/colleague/family member. Being there for the people in my life has never felt this good. A girlfriend and I went to see Third Day, Revive and Brandon Heath on Thursday night... talk about getting filled up. My face has been lit up ever since. Even this morning at breakfast, a girlfriend told me that she's never seen me this happy - I'm shining. I can feel it too... I feel like I'm radiating and glowing.

My morning devotions and bible studies are showing me so many things that God has planned for me. The other morning I woke up and felt an urge to read Ephesians 1 - it was JUST what I needed. God has been speaking through me - words of encouragement, words of praise and words of hope. I can be a motivator to those around me, a light to those in the darkness and a hand to hold when someone needs to be lifted.

God has incredible plans for me... I can't wait to see what they are.

On another note: my race is tomorrow!!! (Cherry Blossom 10-miler) I'm bib #21001 in case you want to look up pictures after the race. (my face will be bright red and I'll look like I'm dying) I just carb'd myself out on gnocchi's and sausage and am heading to another Christian concert tonight... Jason Upton. I'll get filled to the brim again... Wish me luck and keep those prayers up for me... I can't wait to report on my time and ability to complete the race. WOO HOO!!!!

Cherry Blossom Training: Day 67 - New World

2009-04-02T10:26:00.005-04:00

We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. ―Joseph Campbell

Bailey and I got up early and went for a run in the misty Thursday morning air. Today is Day 67 of 70 as my race is coming up shortly - Sunday! It was my last run before the Cherry Blossom 10-miler but it felt like it was one of my first... 3.5 miles should have been cake.

I haven't taken Bailey on many runs this winter due to the cold and length of running I've been doing but I've been taking him on my shorter runs (3 miles) and although his first few were tough on him, today seemed like a breeze with a nice sprint in the last 0.2 miles.

As we were jogging around my neighborhood, I noticed that Spring has begun. It rained last night so it was a little misty today but all the trees, flowers and grass seemed to realize that they were supposed to get twitterpaited and get ready for summer. The daffodils were in full bloom, the stink blossoms were wetted down and less stinky, the pink and white blossoms were everywhere. We passed a little cove with a pond where lots of flowers were blooming along with the trees and the grass was a luscious green. It made me think of my future.

My future is a bit unstable right now but with the market, so is everyone's. Trying to find a little space to carve my niche and get my business going will be tough but with God, anything is possible. I realized that no matter what goals I have had in the last 10 years and no matter the striving I've done to meet those goals, I've realized that God is in control, not me. I have to be willing to let go of the life I've planned and allow God to show me all that He has in store for me. This race is my first step to full determination and motivation. I wouldn't be able to get this far after 10 weeks without knowing that God is faithful and has been with me every step of the way. I am blessed - so very blessed to have Him with me.

To find our way in life, we must relinquish all control and do what God has asked of us - to follow his commandments, walk with Him and allow Him to lead us. Our faith in Him and in ourselves is all we really have. Let us put all our eggs in one basket - God's. This life will be like the Spring - blooming and blossoming - waiting for Summer.

Cherry Blossom Training: Day 65 - Stink Blossoms

2009-03-31T22:20:00.003-04:00

Today was 5 miles and the second to last run before my race on Sunday. My dear friend Erin came over to run with me and completed a solid 2.6 miles before turning and heading home to finish at 2.85 while I finished my 5.

When I look back at my training and remember having a hard time doing 3, I laugh at myself because now I look at 5 as a 'short run'. It's a breath of fresh air to be able to do 5 without wanting to die. I can't say that it's easy but it's much easier than being motivated to do 9. I'm sure I'll read this in the future and laugh at myself again but I think we are always trying to better ourselves anyway.

The Cherry Blossoms are in full bloom right now and I'll get to enjoy them before my race when I pick up my bib on Saturday. I think I'll frame that bib if I can finish this race. It'll be quite the accomplishment for a girl who has only been running for 11 months.

On a gross note, the Stink Blossom trees are also in full bloom. Running past these beautiful white blossoms and smelling the scent of sewer is not pleasant. I'm sure that whoever decided these trees should be spread all over the residential area near me had no sense of smell... and only an awe of their beauty. It's overpowering and gagging but I kept powering on and finished my 5 miles in rare form... my lungs didn't feel like they were going to stop!

5 miles... maybe I should be training longer to do the 10-miler. I'm a little worried that I won't make it but all the signs and race-day adrenaline point to the finish line. Anyone want to run with me Thursday too?! It's only 4. hahahaha

Recipe for Success

2009-03-28T21:00:00.007-04:00

Recipe for Success
1 cup Determination
3 tbsp Excitement
1/2 cup Motivation
3/4 cup Support
3 cups Prayer
2 tsp Fear
dash of Love

Directions: Mix with Careful Thought and bake for 6 weeks.
Serves: unlimited people

I found out recently that I will be going back into business as a sole proprietor within the next 6 weeks and will need to build business and rely on myself for an income. I am a Project Manager and Web Marketing Enthusiast and am really excited about this since I am a born entrepreneur. This excitement also comes with a lot of fear for failure. When I set my mind to something and put 110% of myself into it, I never fail. I know that I need to pray and I need God to be by my side through it all but He has never failed me yet either.

I have found out in the recent past that I am really not good at 'needing' people or leaning on others. I am a great source of strength for others and also have great friends to call when I want to let out my worries. I've realized that I need to specifically ask for my friends and family's help in all of the things I'll be going through in the upcoming weeks and months. My Recipe for Success will not come out right if I don't include all the ingredients. I am extremely motivated and excited about this but need to make sure I'm praying and leaning on others for support so I don't get cocky and think I can do it all by myself. I've built an incredible network of people around me between my girlfriends, my church family and my blood family. These people have seem me through SO many things in the last 10 years and have shown me that they are strong and will take care of me through anything.

I stopped by Barnes & Noble this evening and picked up a few books for a year long Bible study for "Women on the Go" and another book by "In the Grip of Grace" by Max Lucado. I've been needing a strong Bible study that's quick and easy for me to take the 15 minutes in the morning or before bed to read and really prepare my heart to talk to God. I'm almost finished with Captivating and it's showing me such wonderful things about my friendships and relationships and gives me hope for the future. I know that God allows people to enter and exit our lives for reasons and He has been so good to me. His allowing these people in my life has shown me how much He loves me and wants me to grow in Him. Everyone has a purpose for touching other's lives - even if just for a short time. I want so badly to grow in Him and be the woman He has asked me to be that I will follow Him wherever He wants me to.

This business adventure is allowing me to accomplish a goal I've had in my 20's of going back to work for myself before I was 30. My sister told me that she has been waiting 7 years for me to actually get my business going full-time again. My last 7 years of working for others has been such a huge blessing and has shown me so many things. Even my current job is being God-led to show me what I can do and how I can do it. I am amazed that God has things in His plans all along - and allows them to happen when we're ready. I haven't been ready until now and I am ready to push forward and open up so many doors and continue building incredible relationships. He has blessed me and those who touch my life in so many ways and I am incredibly thankful for His love.

In His time, He makes all things beautiful in His time.
Lord, my life to you I bring,
may each song I have to sing
Be to you a lovely thing
In Your time.
Ecc 3:11

slacker

2009-03-13T07:25:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I ran 7 miles... I did. Amazingly enough I finished in under 75 minutes (I'm a slow runner). I ran 3.5 miles, walked for 3 minutes and ran back. It felt great to accomplish it but I wanted to fall over after I was done. I must be a nutcase.

I say this because this week has been really hard on me. Most people who know me know that I run on very little sleep most of the time and never take naps unless I'm deathly ill. Ask my mom, I've been that way since I was born. Insomnia has always had a place in my life but stress really takes the life out of me. Lately my stress hasn't been all bad though... but even good stress is hard on the body. You'll notice that on my training schedule I've been graying out days that I've skipped and haven't posted reasons. I don't really feel the need to explain myself but I've been so wiped out lately that I am a self-proclaimed slacker.

My whole life I've been an overachieving entrepreneurial type. I wasn't a straight A student by any means but when it came to business, I always kicked butt and took names. I get that from my parents. No matter where I've been thrown or where I ended up, I always landed on my feet and took the area by storm, making friends, building business contacts, making myself irreplaceable at my jobs, and really loving life to the fullest.

Lately, my job has become something I love to get up and do. Make no mistake, I love my weekends but I don't cringe every time I realize it's Monday morning and I don't proclaim TGIF anymore. I genuinely love what I do. I make a difference. Currently, I don't have 'projects' that I am required to do in the evenings or on the weekends and I'm having a hard time knowing what to do with myself. For the first time I'm actually reading the magazines that I subscribe to. I'm reading the books that I bought. I'm spending more time sleeping. This week I even went to bed at 9:15 and didn't get out of bed til 8 the next morning. I'm sleeping much more than I ever have. The good stress is allowing me to crash out.

I know that running and the hard workouts I've been doing have a lot to do with it but so do the other stressors - going to court on Tuesday really took it out of me (I won! He sued for $11k and I only have to pay $2300 - still feels like I won!), getting a notice from a collection agency that I owe $280,000 for my house that I quite paying on in June 2008, knowing that my taxes are due soon, figuring out how to invest my money for retirement, the thought of possibly going back to work for myself, the idea that I might be working for a different company in the near future (with my boss' consent), really wanting to go visit my prego sister and my adorable nephew before he gets to big to remember his Aunt Mimi, taking care of my stressed out boyfriend on a really rough internship, etc etc etc.

In the end, I realize that God is there with me. Holding my hand, picking me up and carrying me, kissing me good night, being my 'dad', wrapping his big arms around me and holding me while I sleep, patting my head, wanting what's best for me... I just need to do His will and continue growing in Him. He has taken care of me - He's the reason I've landed on my feet - the reason I'm in a job I love - the reason I'm able to be a support to those around me - the reason I'm so involved in my friends lives - the reason my house situation will work itself out for the best - and the reason my court situation ended up being happy. He loves me and takes care of me, like a father should. I thank Him every chance I get (or remember) and am looking forward to the day when all the stress, good and bad, melts away and I am in the presence of His glory. When you have something like that to look forward to, does anything else really matter?!

Cherry Blossom Training: Day 41 - 10k

2009-03-07T23:04:00.004-05:00

The Save the Trail 10k has been at the forefront of my mind for about a week, trying to figure out how I was going to run 6.2 miles with a bunch of other people 4 weeks before the Cherry Blossom 10-miler. As you probably know already, I'm a new runner. Only been running for a year and avidly for the last 6 weeks. I've been motivated by the fact that I have a goal and completion is my only option. I'm not worried about time, I don't care about beating anyone in the race... finishing is my only goal.

I didn't sleep last night thinking about the race and drank a bottle of Gatorade on my way over. I figured an hour and 10 minutes would be plenty of time for me the run it and didn't plan to finish in under that. My dear friend Megan, who got me into the Cherry Blossom 10-miler and coerced me to do the Save the Trail 10k as a preliminary race, let me know ahead of time that the 3.1 miles to the turnaround were all downhill aside from a bride. This made sure I knew that the 3.1 miles back were a wonderful uphill battle, which I knew with my body it would be anyway but add a gradual incline and let's have some fun figuring out how I'll make it to the finish.

It was 9am on a beautiful Saturday morning, 60+ degrees and very little wind. It was gonna get hot. The start of the race was easy, quiet, dodging people. I ran the entire first 3.1 miles in less than 30 minutes and felt really good. Jamiroquai and I were having some quiet time together, pounding the pavement together in rhythm and pushing myself past people while others passed me from time to time. I didn't go too fast and even made it over the bridge in one piece. Then I hit the turnaround and wasn't mentally ready to finish the race back. After walking for 30-seconds and fixing my mp3 player, I got back to it. Another 3/4 of a mile and I was out of breath again, 15 seconds of walking fixed that for another 1/2 mile. Then again, 15 seconds took another turn with the walking, holding my chest and hoping my heart didn't explode. My lungs caught up and I took off.

Some women passed going toward the turnaround really slowly but I was impressed with their resolve at doing the race - I yelled "Good Job Ladies!!" and they smiled and started running again. Nearing the end, I saw the finish line about 1/2 mile ahead - a little blue awning - my only hope that it was over soon. I knew Megan was finished already.- she's a powerhouse of muscular legs and a small frame. As I was nearing the end, I approached a girl who was huffing just like I was and didn't look like she'd make it. I asked her "Are we there yet?" She seemed like she was with me. We became 60-second friends and as we got closer, I told her "Come on, let's finish this thing" and we took off sprinting to the finish.

We finished in 1:04. Kicking SERIOUS butt and wanting a gallon of water to suck on. No pain, just thirst. I kept yelling "woo hoo! I did it! I can't believe it"! (I'm kind of loud)

Now, I have to do that plus almost 4 more miles... in 4 weeks... without walking. Time to push myself a little harder.

Playing Hooky - Time for Sledding (Are We 12?)

2009-03-02T17:01:00.002-05:00

I got up at 5:30am this morning to head to my body conditioning class and walked outside to a winter wonderland. Instead of 20 people in class, there were 3 of us and Nola kicked our butts on the balls today... great fun but will be painful tomorrow.

After a long day stuck at our homes working due to a 'winter storm', Megan and I decided that we both needed a 'lunch break' today and via IM planned a 30 minute sledding break at a local school. Much to our dismay, the 'hill' was nothing more than a slope but by the time we got there, suited up and ready to go, we ended up not caring.

Bailey learned that sledding is fun because he can chase people down the hill and since they're at his level, they will play with him. Running around in circles up and down the hill, Bailey found sledding to be his favorite game.

Here are some fun pictures from our sledding break today. What, are we 12?!

Cherry Blossom Training: Day 26

2009-02-20T12:18:00.003-05:00

This week has been a bit rough for me... last Friday I had a panic attack at the gym over something that shouldn't have bothered me that badly. I ran 5 miles Saturday and have been having a hard time since. The inside of the bottom of my leg feels bruised from my arches not having enough shock absorption when I run. My body conditioning instructor told me this morning that I need to stop running, ice it and elevate it until it feels better and then resume running. She mentioned getting new running shoes (mine are pretty new and don't have that many miles on them) and a pair of cross-trainers.

Running isn't something I'm in love with but I love the way I feel when I'm done - a sense of accomplishment, knowing that I'm burning calories and tightening my body along with shedding excess fat. It's an overall solid thing for me to do except that I need to take care of my muscles and joints in the process. I don't want to push myself too hard but I want to meet my goal of running the 10-miler in April. I'll get there... these are just little bumps in the road.

On another note, I've been praying a LOT lately and really making sure I have God-time every day. It's an amazing feeling when you have God next to you all day. Watching over you... watching your actions, your words, your lifestyle. I want to make sure I am careful with what I hear, see, say, and think. It's quite a positive turnaround from being a 1/2 Christian. I feel like I'll never be fully what he wants me to be but I'm striving every day to change more things to be more positive and knowing that he's watching is a really eye-opening feeling.

I've found that I have a hard time just listening for him. There's an Addison Road song called "What Do I Know About Holy" that says
"I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?"

I feel like every time I try to listen to God, I can't shut up. I'm always asking for things, always talking, always hoping for more. I can't seem to quiet my mind enough to just listen to Him. I've made Him out to be something that I can wrap my mind around but I keep forgetting that He's in control of everything and all I have to do is just be quiet long enough to hear what He has to say. I've been dealing with so much anxiety lately that doesn't seem to make sense or have a root. On my last post, my friend Mr. Mangrum wrote that God helped Job through everything he was going through and he ended up perfectly fine... that God takes care of everything before it gets to us. This isn't more than I can handle. I haven't smiled in a few days and I can't sleep at all. I know God is the answer but I feel like this is a test of my faith. Spiritual warfare at its finest. Nothing too crazy, just enough to dull me into boredom and sadness. That's usually when people turn away from God. It always brings me back to Him. My life isn't anything with Him. I've found that out too many times not to know better by now.

If God is the answer, can He speak up? I seem to be deaf to his whispers. I'm desperately listening.