Rising from the Ashes of the Temple

shop til you drop

2008-10-06T05:03:00.000-07:00

Crop in Style Navigator carry bag/ rollalong - $50 (tulalip )
Date: 2008-10-05, 10:47PM PDT
Used, but still in great condition.
New for $100

Perfect for those overnight craft nights.

As somebody who is kind of crafty, I actually think this is a really cool bag. But the part that cracks me up is the fact that it is perfect for overnight craft nights. Apparently there's a need for taking your crafting out to overnight events...

uh huh her

2008-10-02T08:09:00.000-07:00

I have been hanging my head in shame for the last few days because this weekend...I was THAT GIRL...I drunk dialed. And I am MORTIFIED. Utterly mortified. I want to believe that maybe I just imagined saying some of the things I said...but no...there is no respite from my stupid girl actions. And that's exactly what they are...stupid girl actions. And I sit here beating myself up about it because I KNOW better...I know I know better. I know better than to drunk dial, I know better than to drunk dial the particular person I did because it's an exercise in futility, and if I were the kind of person who read books like He's Not That Into You...I probably would have had my aha moment already. But the silly thing is that I just can't seem to help myself even though I know better...because I do stupid girl things, things that make me THAT GIRL. And I know we all do it occasionally, and I shouldn't be so hard on myself. But Christ, it's reason enough to never get ri-donk-u-lously wrecked so I avoid the situations that create these THAT GIRL situations.

lonely little petunia

2008-09-19T08:26:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while I get bitten by the lonely bug and would like to have somebody at home when I get there, whether that be a partner, lover, roommate, friend, whatever. You know, somebody whose availability is without question or planning...other than Iniki, he's terrible at cutting up vegetables and isn't really up to snuff on politics or architechture. But then I remember that living alone has with so many advantages that it pretty much kicks ass.

Knowing that every mess is your own makes cleaning so much easier to endure.
Designing and decorating exactly how you want...Hello Kitty bathroom, yes please!
Dirty panties on all the doorknobs, why the hell not?
Being able to eat pudding out of the tub with your questionably clean fingers while standing at the kitchen counter and listening to the new New Kids on the Black without shame of being caught...uhhhh...priceless!
Two words...naked yoga
Never having to close the bathroom door
Never having to wait to use the bathroom
Never being surprised by the complete lack of toilet paper
Only flushing the toilet when you feel it necessary
Drinking out of every carton in the place so as not to produce dishes
Washing the very few dishes that only you produce at your leisure
Not having to explain your need to wake up at two in the morning to practice glittery disco makeup so as to reproduce the Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds scene in the movie Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
Being able to practice the following in private in your underwear until you are ready to unveil your new dance movies in public:

Yup...this is the life.

all that glitters

2008-09-12T08:08:00.000-07:00

I'm fucking broke. I somehow went from having more money than I knew what to do with to should have thought a little better about how I was spending my money because my little padded checking account is now utterly anorexic. And most of that is because of Burningman and taking retail therapy a little too seriously. However not having money is so not going to curb my little shopping addiction so I am thinking that I should look around for a part time job. Nothing too serious, just a little job so that I can earn a little cash on the side. I figure now is a good time to look with the holidays approaching. But in the meantime, while I look for the perfect part time job to fall right onto my lap, I thought I might cash in some of my rewards points on one of my credit cards (that's right, I said ONE of my credit cards). Rewards points are great, I mean getting something is certainly better than getting nothing. But there is a little stomach clenching when I realize that I had to spend about three grand to get that $25.00 gift certificate to Red Lobster. The funny thing though is the shit they offer you as rewards as well. Okay, a digital camera I understand...but seriously, a shop vac? A shop-vac I spent ten grand earning. Whoah.

DESA REMINGTON Shredder Vac and BlowerNew Item: #1 selling Shopvac!
10,000 points
DESA REMINGTON "Shredder Vac and Blower" with anti-clog design that vacuums and mulches the toughest debris - even wet leaves. Features: 3 tools in 1 - blower, vacuum and mulcher; 12 amp motor; 215 MPH maximum air speed; 2 speed blower (low and high speeds); 14:1 mulch ratio; CFM: 370; tool-less conversion from blower to vacuum. Weight: 9.1 lbs.

in the beginning

2008-09-08T06:56:00.000-07:00

The cauldron holding the information and experiences of my processing has finally boiled down to one simple idea...honesty. It really does all come down to this one thing. Love, Compassion, Acceptance, Empathy, Integrity...ALL of these catchphrases bandied about like a shuttlecock stem from the ONE thing. It all comes down to being honest, being truthful, being genuine, being real.
Most importantly is to be honest with yourself. Such a simple idea, the idea of a small child... listen to yourself, believe in yourself, honor yourself...know thyself, know your truth...they (those guys) speak of it setting you free. Who are you capable of being? Who are you willing to be? Who are you wanting to be? What are you willing to do to get to any of those places? What are you willing to give up to get there?
It's only after you've REALLY asked the questions and come up with an honest assessment that you can even begin to be honest with others. And being honest with others coming from a place of honesty will surely cultivate love and compassion and integrity and acceptance. And it will be real. And it will be magical. And it might even be perfect.
But because we're focused on the end goal...the culmination...the reward. We've surpassed much of the work necessary to get THERE, that nebulous space of love and acceptance and warm gooey cookies.
We all have our reasons for not being completly honest with (first) ourselves and (then) others. We want to be liked, we want to be loved, we want to be valued and appreciated, we want to be right, we want to be in control, we want to feel the rewards and eat the warm gooey cookies. So we cut in line and sidestep the beginning stages like a slick wet grate on a sidewalk where the potential to slip and fall and get hurt is far greater.
And we take what we can get and it is great, but we still notice...that teeny voice telling us that something is missing, something is not quite right. But now going back seems even harder than doing the work in the first place. So we continue with the pantomime, we play the role we created for ourselves, we keep on our game face.
And it's often good enough that we continue playing the game, until maybe one day it isn't. And today is that day for me. So I'm pulling the card that's taking me back to Go, with or without my $200.00. I'm going to take as many steps back as I need and truely look within myself to find my truth, to find it honestly, and give myself compassion and integrity and love along the way. Because I know that until I do, I can't fully give what I don't really have. And I can't get it back if I can't truly give it. And spending so much time in the labrynth is getting pretty exhausting.

when worlds collide

2008-09-04T20:11:00.001-07:00

My first Burningman experience was a glorious affair full of wonder. I got to look at and experience a world like no other with a child's eyes, mind, and heart. And it was without a doubt a most fantastic and beautiful adventure.
But for my second Burningman, I think my experience was through the eyes of an adolescent. Yes, I had been there before though much of it was still left to be experienced, but I was no longer the prodigal virgin being encouraged to shatter the bell at the greeting station. I was this time truely coming home.
As I decompress and try to process the grandness of this year's burn, I have concluded that this was a year of being surrounded by worlds of opposition. I feel like this year was a study in dichotomy, a year when worlds collided and afterwards I am left to figure out what to do with the shards and shrapnel left behind.
A prime example of this dichotomy was the weather. I mean...hello? did anybody else feel like the two pigs who made their houses out of sticks and straw? I'm sure the people in RVs felt a little bit more like the third pig with the bricks. From raging storms to warm nights slowly bleeding into the most beautiful sunrises, it was pretty clear that we were at the mercy of mother playa and she was feeling a little bipolar.
Another big example for me was who I thought I would spend time with and who I actually ended up spending time with. How people I know very little took the time to seek me out and how people who have a huge place in my heart never did. How you can carry assumptions and expectations with you onto the playa but in the end those are blown away with the dust storms.
Then one very tangible instance was when somebody who I have random moments with thanked me for doing a very small and seemingly innocuous thing. And that very same thing ended up being a knife in another's heart who has a real presence in my life.
And of course there is always the raging study in opposition when you spend time with and connect with people in what seems like a very real and profound way and believe it to be the most wonderful thing ever...just to have the connection utterly diffused and confused the next time you see them.
In the end, for me, the burn was a week of highs in one direction and then highs in the completely opposite direction. There weren't really any lows, just a series of incredibly intense moments on opposite ends of whatever light spectrum Burningman happens to rest within (or without). I guess when I set out my intention for grandness, I should have been more specific and asked for it in a limited capacity.
Now, after it is all said and done, I suppose it is my job to find the proper perspective to create a balance between these worlds of opposition so that these experiences can co-exist within me comfortably. And for me, that is a difficult job, and because of the difficulty of the job I am struggling through a intense and formidable lesson...one I'm still working on...for quite a few years. But it's a good thing, no...a grand thing.

weaknesses

2008-08-15T19:15:00.000-07:00

Why are boys like kryptonite? How is it that perfectly intelligent, reasonable, beautiful, independent, etc. etc. women end up blithering, slithering, blind ninnies when it comes to boys (myself obviously included in this assessment--the ninny part at any rate)?

mr. rogers neighbor-hoods

2008-08-14T07:06:00.001-07:00

Recently, a few sketchy people moved into my apartment building. They seemed nice enough, but my spidey-senses started getting all tingly when they were around. Then their friends started showing up here and there to visit, and though I am trying not to be judgemental, uhhhhhh, it wasn't too hard to realize that shit wasn't quite up to snuff. My initial thought when all of this happened was..."Damn, I guess the price of mobile homes must have gone up and they had to move into the city." (okay, so maybe a little judgemental)
Tonight I noticed a collective of neighborinos standing outside colluding, so I decided to join them to find out what the haps on the craps was. I knew without even having to ask that they were talking about all of the shady characters who have been visiting our hamlet of late. I knew they were talking about this because just an hour before I was telling my sister that it wouldn't be long before a meth lab was built in one of the basement apartments. But in that I was incorrect, apparently these people do not do the tweaky rip your face off meth dance...no, they like to ride the white horse. Behold...I have a fucking pair of heroin dealers and their junkie friends living in my joint.
Then the six of us (our smoke break neighborhood watch crew) decided to walk past the apartment in question and look in the windows which we were able to peep in because it's a basement place. It has NO FURNITURE (they've been there for months), random mattresses strewn about (not even in sets), lots of electronics (okay maybe not LOTS) and a large piece of wood covered in jewelry (and I mean covered, it's like a pawn shop display case) and not much else (some dirty dishes and garbage not enclosed in a receptacle). And some of my neighbors have witnessed drug deals going on around the building. What the fuck?
There is also apparently a real-live meth lab in one of the houses across the back alley. I guess it's good to know that when I decide to hit rock fucking bottom, I won't have to go far for my accessories. I can pick up my H while doing my laundry.

rejection perfection

2008-08-07T08:03:00.000-07:00

So I did it...I put myself "out there." That nebulous space where you crack open the door and waggle your finger at somebody in the hopes that they'll be enticed enough by the smell of fresh baked cookies and a glowing hearth to come in and sit a spell...also known as dating. While I'm not interested in a relationship or any serious type of commitment at this point (AT ALL), some light dating coupled with some heavy petting would be A-okay by me. So...I put myself out there with somebody I've known for a while, somebody I developed an instantaneous attraction to, somebody who is a friend. And because silliness always happens when people are not of sound mind when alcohol is concerned, I did get to first base (that's kissing right? I never did get that straight). And then was subsequently brushed off, in a compassionate way. I have to say, rejection tied to friendship is a little worse than just plain rejection. But it's all good I guess. I had to try and it's probably for the best.

shiny new things

2008-06-30T18:36:00.000-07:00

I've been at my new job for a week now. I'm unfortunately already bored. But I LOVE LOVE LOVE getting off during the evening, normal hours...especially since the weather in Seattle has been so stupendous lately. It's nice...though I am realizing that I'm kind of boring. And I'm still very much not a morning person.

middling

2008-06-05T23:59:00.001-07:00

It seems that I am in an "in between" point in my life. Evidence of this as follows:
A. I am in between bra sizes...both the band and the cup. This means that I can either suffer the too tight bra or be a little too unsupported in the larger bra. Cupwise it means that either my cup runneth over or I have too much space and it looks like I forgot to stuff that morning.
B. I am in between pants sizes. So I can choose to have saggy-ass pants that I spend all day pulling up or a rather severe muffin top.
C. I am not currently in the in between phases of my jobs. I turned in my notice today and now have two weeks with which I try not to act incredibly stoked to be leaving my current job andnow get a few weeks of building anxiety because I get to re-experience the whole lack of confidence & competence feeling that everybody gets when they start a new job.
D. I am definitely in between phases in my life. There is something almost Rod Sterling-esque about going about town knowing there is another person living the life I had loved so much. And doing pretty well at it since she is now more into the scene than I am right now. Even when I remind myself that I was becoming disenchanted by all of that and it was losing its meaning for me anyway. There's just something unnerving about feeling utterly replaceable.

The thing about being in between is that it's a hard place to find a sense of comfort. Whether it be my bra or my pants or my life, I'm feeling like I'm suffering the three-bear syndrome except I'm only finding too hot and too cold, not just right. And not feeling just right is leaving me feeling just blah.

on the table

2008-05-23T16:06:00.000-07:00

I have been looking for some change in my work situation for a while. Mostly I just want to get on a day shift because I am mostly over the evening shift thing. It was cool when I was more into the party scene because I could go out all night and sleep in all morning. It was cooler when I only worked four days a week and had more flexibility. But now I feel as though I am missing out a little bit. I want to be able to take an ecodance class or a sewing class or go to a bar and play in a trivia tournament. I want to have weekends off and finally be able to spend Thanksgiving with my family for the first time in like 12 years.
At any rate, I went on an interview recently and went in today for a job offer. It was a good offer, I wouldn't lose any benefits, the vacation time is good, I'll get a bus pass...but I counter-offered for a slightly higher salary. It's the first time I've ever done that, normally I would just take a job. So now comes the waiting game, the woman who would negotiate is on vacation and hopefully she's checking her email. And I'm kinda geeked out because I do want the job. Other than a mild salary increase, the rest of the job looks pretty good. I had to do it though. The worst they can do is say no right?

shame

2008-05-07T02:35:00.000-07:00

So, I kind of heard that the new person the ex is seeing is not so cute and has the look of somebody expecting pretty soon. Not that all of that matters in the big scheme of things...so why did it make me so giddy when I heard that. I am an asshole of the highest order...oh no wait, I'm still trying to play catchup.

resurrection

2008-04-02T14:16:00.001-07:00

Is it possible? Have I survived this mess? Might there be light at the end of the tunnel? Some days it feels like that may be true. Some days it feels like that may be a lie I'm telling myself because you can make anything feel normal, even a prison sentence. But life keeps moving and I am a survivor. I was telling somebody last night that yes we all have problems, and our problems always feel like the biggest and most important problems in the world...but truly, the only thing that will help us is having a positive outlook. So, lie to myself if I must, but dammit I'm getting through this and there will be rainbows.

quicksand

2008-02-01T13:07:00.000-08:00

Alas, I am still stuck in the mire of feeling sad, though it does get a little bit easier every day, though I'm not terribly sure that getting used to being lonely is a good thing. I'm moved into my new place and getting rid of some things to make way for some new things...with my apartment and with my life. They say that for every year of being in a relationship, it takes half of that time to fully recover...so I guess that means I have like nine months to go. But despite all of that I am trying to have a positive outlook and trying to remember that the pain of it all is all part of the human condition because I know that I don't walk down this road alone.

baggage

2008-01-09T23:32:00.000-08:00

I fucking hate moving. That is all.

rights and fights

2008-01-04T00:10:00.000-08:00

RAGE AND VENTING TO FOLLOW:
New Year's Eve ended up being awkward...not surprisingly. Though a friend of mine and a friend of (grimace) his thought to ask him not to show up to a certain party we had both planned on attending...he naturally erred on the side of self-interest and came anyway. Our friend however made it clear to him that he should in no way try to communicate or interact with me. Other than a really stupid hello, he managed to comply. And I managed to mostly ignore him, painful as it was. Though at the end there was a little drama. It was inevitable but luckily the "scene" I had anticipated was not as bad as it could have been. And frankly, there were moments when I purposely created awkwardness...just because I could.
So now here I am, feeling like I am exactly where I fucking started not quite two months ago when we first broke up. Because I tried to do the "right" thing. I thought that because our lives were so complicatedly intertwined, if I tried to be friends it would make it easier. I shouldn't have to give up the life I had before he and I were a we and dammit I was ready to take my life back, I NEEDED to take my life back. I thought that our working towards a friendship would make that easier. But all that happened was that I ended up feeling so fucking hurt. Again.
But dammit if there aren't pools of conflicting emotions swirling inside of me still. If there aren't still feelings of pure unadulterated sadness for not having him in my life. Even knowing that he should be stripped away like a malignant life-sucking cancer eating at my flesh...I still...miss him. Even knowing that the best thing for me right now is to acknowledge that he doesn't deserve anything from me, that I've lost so much respect for him now, that he believes himself to be somebody but all of his actions recently indicate that to be so fucking untrue...and to base my decisions on those feelings and not the others.
I know, I know. It's a hard road to walk down and things will get better, and I'm going to learn and grow and be a much better person. AND AND AND...
Seriously though, can't somebody just point me down the easy road, cause the other right one is just not the one I want to take anymore. The people who hop on the crazy train and do stupid, bitter, dramatic things to their exes seem to get a lot more satisfaction. I'm willing to go Jerry Springer y'all. I'm tired of being the better person doing the right thing. It's getting me nowhere except back where I started.

sucker punch

2007-12-31T17:10:00.000-08:00

Well, the ex-boy decided that he was ready enough to move on and slept with somebody who I thought was a friend of mine as well...I guess I was wrong. According the reports from the front line, she initiated it and he was drunk, not that that really matters. Nor does it really matter that she's seemingly worked her way through multiple people in Idaho and the rest of the northwest who've put needle to record, including several of his friends.
Frankly, I'm furious...I am a raging inferno of white hot heat. Not because he moved on first, though that is always hard to witness, but because of the mixed signals he had been giving me. Because, according to a little hearsay, he didn't know what his intentions with me were, he just knew that it felt good to hang out with me but he couldn't be celibate forever. And because he actually had the fucking nerve to call me later that night, after he had slept with somebody else, to chat. And because he's a selfish, self-centered, self-indulgent, emotionally crippled human being who I let hurt me for far too long. I thought I would try and be a better person and try to be his friend. I thought that doing that would break me out of a cycle of removing people from my life and running away from the hurt. But sometimes, some things really are for the best. Because even in the end, he wanted the best of me...in whatever form that was...while he went out and did whatever the fuck would please himself. Now I'm completely letting him go, I want nothing to do with him any longer...he won't get the best of me or the worst of me or any of me.

plummeting

2007-12-27T12:46:00.000-08:00

I had the most intense and amazing dream not too long ago. In this dream, I was driving around in my car with the ex-boy. We were just driving and talking. But for some reason, my driving was erratic and I could barely control the car. At some point, the car started to veer off of the road and tumbled off of a cliff. After the car went off of the edge, I was no longer in the car. I was free-falling, at an amazingly quick velocity, the ragged walls of the cliff were flying past and I was scared. I screamed and cried and thought I was going to die, but I wasn't ready...I knew that I wasn't ready to die. So then I started to lucidly dream and I remember telling myself that I didn't have to be scared that I was falling...I didn't have to be afraid. And then the dream changed. Yes, I was still falling...but I wasn't afraid to fall anymore. And I fell! I fell down through that huge canyon, I fell down through the center of the world, I fell down through other worlds and bodies of waters and finally stopped somewhere else. I can only describe that place as feeling as close to heaven as I have ever felt. Once I stopped falling, in this amazing place, I just floated. Floated with all this love and light surrounding me and I felt like I didn't have to be afraid, I didn't have to be scared, I didn't have to be anything...I just had to let myself be. It was incredible. It was one of those dreams that you wish you didn't have to wake up from...

home sweet home

2007-12-19T00:19:00.001-08:00

So, I may have found a place to live. Nothing fancy, no hardwood floors, no private washer and dryer, not a lot of closet space. But the price is right, and the neighborhood is right, and they'll take my dog. So after having "moved up" in the home world by having a roommate who makes more money than me...I'm moving back to where I started, albeit paying a little more money than I was before. Which frankly is fine by me. I'm really excited to be living alone again. No more cleaning up somebody's else's stuff and the only animals I'll have to clean up after will be my own. I will miss the fancy kitchen appliances and having my own deck and courtyard however. But during the period of growth and change, maybe relearning that I'm okay with being by myself is a good thing. Only time will tell...

familiar

2007-12-07T11:36:00.001-08:00

It seems like you can get used to anything, even when it feels like the wrong thing. I wake up in the morning missing the boy, I spend the day thinking that what has happened isn't the right thing, I go to bed at night wishing that he would see that there is a different outcome if we both were willing to try. And every day I hope that it will get a little easier. But I don't know that this feeling inside of me is changing.

moving on

2007-12-02T13:39:00.000-08:00

Right now I almost feel like I can't move on or move forward. I feel stuck. My life doesn't feel like my own.

breaking up is hard to do

2007-11-18T23:48:00.000-08:00

And so it goes. I am single again and again and again. In the end, the boy didn't want to commit to the work or the relationship. He wanted to work on himself which frankly I am going to interpret as be selfish and not ready to handle the mature responsibilities of commitment and sacrifice. I have been struggling, A LOT. I'm looking for answers that will never be found. I'm asking questions that have no meaning. I can't find the motivation in myself to move anywhere much less move on. I'm grieving, grieving the love I don't have in the way I once did, the love I will no longer be able to give, and the empty space inside of me that feels like it could take me over.

disaster

2007-11-15T14:12:00.000-08:00

The boy and I are "on a break." We are taking a time out so that we can decide whether or not we are willing and able to do the work necessary to work things out. I think I have decided that I am, I don't know that he will decide that he is. But for my sake and his sake and our sake, I have to give him the time and space to make that decision. And that feels like one of the most painful things for me to do right now, letting go of my desire to control situations in order to make myself more secure and comfortable. I have to let go of my control right now and let him decide what he wants. I have to give him his space and time. I have to let him choose so that I can be secure in the knowledge that if we do decide to try and work things out, both of us are in it together. It's hard to not be hard on myself right now. It's hard not to find ways to point the finger at myself and think that there is something wrong with me, something that is pushing away the person I am still very much in love with. Not that anybody said that this was going to be easy. It's also hard for me to hear that everything is going to be okay because right now, okay seems like a million miles away. I'm a pulsing exposed wound right now and at this point, healing feels impossible.

craps!

2007-10-25T12:56:00.000-07:00

My luck/fate/whatever has been feeling a little tarnished lately.
The last two job interviews I went on, the employers decided to "go with another candidate" or that I "wouldn't be moving forward in the selection process." Seriously, I can only think of one other time in my life when I didn't get a job after an interview, I was eighteen and blew the interview on purpose because I didn't want my job to interfere with my aerobics schedule (oh the folly of youth). I fear that I will be stuck doing my current line of work forever because branching out isn't working out so well. And frankly, at this point in my life, I am not really willing to take a pay cut or work horrendously long hours so that I can prove myself in another occupation.
My housing situation is making me so fucking stressed out. My roommate bought a house with her boyfriend. My relationship situation is still a little rocky, or at least not doing well enough for us to be uber-confident. So, any previous mention of moving in together has dissipated except for him to suggest that I move into his place with his other two roommates, no closet space, and one bathroom. I'm pretty sure that I should have just stayed in my old apartment, actually I started feeling that way after about a month of living here. I'm honestly trying to figure out what I gained from the last year of living here and I guess it's that sometimes a person should just stay where they are, particularly when they're generally happy and satisfied with it. Sometimes bigger and nicer does not necessarily mean better. Sometimes moving up really is just an illusion.
I am developing a general state of loathing for one of my coworkers. On the days she is there, I can barely stand to be there myself. The sound of her voice is like some obscene speaker torture like when they played Van Halen over and over again in Panama. The other night, one of my coworkers asked why I felt so comfortable talking to other people about their not doing their work or generally being annoying but I don't talk to her about it. And it isn't because I'm intimidated by her, she's kind of a twit and wouldn't know a good comeback if it ate her face. But I guess it's because no good would come of it. It would just make things worse and then I would hate going in to work even more and I would probably get into trouble. It's funny how one person can have such an effect on your mood. I'm sure I am that person to somebody, probably her.
I need to win the lottery. They say that money doesn't buy happiness, but I'm sure you can get an awesome rent-to-own deal.