My Soul's Palette

So Long, Blogspot

2008-11-21T14:44:00.003+08:00

My new home addess:

http://mysoulspalette.wordpress.com/

Note: This blog will still be here. I was thinking of moving the posts, but its just too much work, after all they belong here, it has been a great home for us *sob*

Thinking

2008-11-21T11:12:00.003+08:00

I am think of moving to WordPress.com. Well, I have even set-up a new one there (I already have one there for quite some time anyway, under a different name, you can try to find me LOL).

Blogger has made things a bit difficult and boring for me lately. I have been with Blogger since December 10, 2004. A long time ago. Before, I was with TBlog. And now, I am thinking of moving again...

Should I move?

http://mysoulspalette.wordpress.com/

Its A Tag

2008-11-19T23:18:00.004+08:00

11:20pm, Putrajaya

Name : Roving Soul (my given name is really nice, I was named by my dad, first name supposedly means “light” in Arabic (but my youngest sister doesn’t agree with this) and middle name means “heaven” in latin. So that would be the light from heaven la kan? LOL)

Sisters : 4, all younger me

Brothers : Tricky. 1 younger brother by the same parents (macam la I have many parents!), 2 cousins whom I also call brothers – 1 younger and another older

Shoe size : 5, I have small, lovely, beautiful pair of feet =) Seriously!

Height : 152cm (ohh yes, petite is the right word)

Where do you live : I have my own place in Putrajaya, but I still call my parents place in Seremban “home”

Have you ever been on a plane : Yes

Swam in the ocean : Nope

Fallen asleep at school : I don’t think so

Broken someone’s heart : I don’t think so, tak lah sampai broken kot

Fell off your chair : Nope, Alhamdulillah

Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call : All night? Who does that nowadays?

Saved e-mails : Oh yes

What is your room like : Messy, books everywhere, world map, atlas, photos, junks, boxes of pics, more books, handbags… messy, very messy =) love it!

What’s right beside you: book cabinet

What is the last thing you ate : Nando’s grilled chicken (extra hot of course)

Chicken pox : Six years ago, right after Adik (remember dak Dik?)

Sore throat : Too often

Stitches : I had a major surgery when I was eleven

Broken nose : Nope, Alhamdulillah, minta dijauhkan

Do you Believe in love at first sight : Yes, very. Especially books and handbags!

Like picnics : I like!

Who was/were…The last person you danced with : Okayyy lets see. Probably Sofy last Sunday at my parents. Proper dance must be ages ago!

Last made you smile : Mas, her enthusiasm over “line dancing” dvd

You last yelled at : Must be Sofy, she is the only one at yell at nowadays

Today did you…

Smile to someone you like : Oh yes

Kissed anyone : Nope

Get sick : I had light headache, but that doesn’t count as sick la kot

Talk to an ex : yes, ex-colleague over YM

Miss someone : I am always missing my babie & sisters

Who do you really hate: Hate is too strong a word la, menyampah ada la kot, even then not worth mentioning =)

Do you like your hand-writing : yes, but I love Dad’s more

Are your toe nails painted : Nope

Whose bed other than yours would you rather sleep in : Does the bed in our room at my parents count?

What color shirt are you wearing now : Not wearing a shirt, blue PJ

Are you a friendly person : Depending, but generally yes

Do you have any pets : Nahh, I am not good with caring for animals

Do you sleep with the TV on : Only when I am in hotel rooms, always CNN =)

What are you doing right now : Typing away while thinking over stuff

Can you handle the truth : InshaAllah

Are you closer to your mother or father : Daddy kot

Do you eat healthy : Started recently

Do you still have pictures of you & your ex : A lot with ex-colleague, ex-housemates, ex-schoolmates…

If you’re having a bad day, who are you most likely to go to : My sisters, or Wardah, or Leena

Are you loud or quiet most of the time : I am not loud… but not quiet either

Are you confident : Sometimes

5 things I was doing 10 years ago:

1. Student, studying

2. Travelling

3. Dating Kerek

4. Watched lots of movies

5. Spent a lot of time at UNN library

I would do if i were a billionaire: (you mean “when”?)

1. Pay zakat dulu

2. The settle debts (including those by my parents, my siblings, my aunts/uncles, my good friends)

3. Donate to my fav charity (ada long list lol)

4. Give away to my loved ones

5. Travel the world (bestnya!)

5 of my bad habits:

1. Messy, I am a lazy bum, I hate folding clothes, washing, yada yada

2. Not a morning person – I don’t know why is it so difficult to just get up in the morning

3. Don’t know when to stop once I have started reading my books (and end up getting to work late, like this morning!)

4. Bias, I really don’t know how to treat people equally! I have favourites and I know a lot of people hates me because of it

5. Too lenient, I know some people really take advantage of me, but I just can’t be bothered. Really some people are just wasting my time.

5 places I’ve lived/living

1. Seremban

2. Shah Alam

3. Cheras (less than a year kot)

4. Newcastle Upon Tyne

5. Putrajaya

I get to tag some people, YAY! Okay, I know you are all busy people, so whomever have the time, and inclination, please do so lah ya.

I was about to tag you too Nadia, tapi since I know you won’t have the time to do so, tak yah lah. LOL.

Okay. 12:05am. Took a while jugak, but it wasn’t so hard pun. Oh Mas was here for a bit of chat, so some distractions.

Nite peops. Salam!

Alhamdulillah, We Are Starting Again!

2008-11-19T11:51:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, we received our good news during a meeting. I almost screamed of joy, instead I opted for a smiling face. Alhamdulillah.

It has been seven years. Long years. Every year, we try to do this bit and that bit. Yet, it was always shot down. Alhamdulillah, this year, it was approved. With a smiling face. I believe now is the right time, now we have the right people. Allah has made this easy for us, finally.

Alhamdulillah. I am happy, everyone at the project office is happy.

We are starting again, not from zero though, thank you to all those who have been working with us all these while. We are starting with a lot of faith, a lot of love, renewed hopes.

Alhamdulillah. Oh this is almost like finding love! (oh Syikin said this is better LOL)

Finding Friends

2008-11-17T13:19:00.003+08:00

Last year, I wrote an entry of June, my friend. And last week, I found her. June is married with twi kids, a girl and a boy. Imagine that? We chatted on YM for a bit and promised that we will keep in touch. I know I would love to see her and her kids. Soon after, I began browsing for air tickets to Kuching. After years of Joul bugging me to visit Kuching, I think June will be the reason for my visit, inshaAllah.

Wardah, let's go for a holiday?

Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah, for giving me back my June.

But then, last week was my superb-friend week. I also found Kak Zureen, who was my roommate in college. We have been emailing each other everyday since, catching up. I miss Kak Zureen very much. She is now a lecturer, married with a kid. I seriously can't imagine Kak Zureen as a mother. In my head, she is still so young, a bit tomboyish, and gangly. LOL.

Alhamdulillah. I am humbled, it feels so good to find these precious friends. Alhamdulillah.

Have a great week everyone =)

Next Destination?

2008-11-14T11:10:00.005+08:00

I didn't plan for anything in December. Mainly because I was saving myself for the most-wanted trip, which from the looks of it, is not likely to happen this year. Takper, Allah knows best.

Then, I had the opportunity to go to Tunisia, for work. Had to decline though, Cik Ni's passing-out parade falls within the trip duration. The Tunisia trip would have been an extended trip really, as the delegation will need to transit in Europe for a night. I had planned to extend my days, and instead of Rome, I thought Norway would be superb.

Allah knows best, remember? Instead I will be spending time with family up north, celebrating my sister. No regrets, everything else is second to my family. Yes, even my love for traveling.

Now, I am planning for my next trip (not that I have the money to spend LOL, but somehow I always have it when the times comes, Alhamdulillah). Ziah my friend is planning a Beijing trip. I itch to go Bali after looking at Ratu's pics at FB, but somehow in my head, Bali in December is not a good idea really...

So I am sitting here wondering... where is my next destination...

Note: The image above, the train was on a journey from Tamil Nadu to Kerala passing through the mountains... My grandfather from Daddy's side was born in Kerala. One day, I hope to visit his birth place.

Yahoo Avatar

2008-11-12T16:04:00.006+08:00

I love Yahoo Avatar. It is super cute. However, in the past, I have always opted not to use the Avatar for my Yahoo Messenger Display Image. Simply because there was no Hijab.

Now I can! I don't know when they had this, but I recently noticed it and... yes, this is how I look like, on my Avatar. Pretty close huh? Kak Sayang seems to think so.

I must say, thanks to a lot of people like this sister who wrote to Yahoo several times, Alhamdulillah, now we have Hijab on Yahoo Avatar. Although there is this only one now, I know there will be more in the future. I am going to write to Yahoo now, to say thank you (although took you sooo long) but please, we want more Hijabs!

Oh No... Leave Him Alone!

2008-11-11T10:03:00.002+08:00

I can't believe it. Now she wants him back. After all the drama, she wants him back. No-no, I am sorry girl, leave him alone.

Im is miserable. Seriously. Leave him alone. Crying, sobbing, all dirty tricks employed, oh my God, I am shocked. After discarding him, she nows desperately trying to get him back.

Too late. You did say you wanted "the best" for yourself, and my brother was not "the best" person for you... He is not. Not for you. Can you believe that she offered to call the girl my brother is getting to know now and explain why she has to let go of my brother.

In the space of weeks she fell for someone else, and now, she claims that she has realised that my brother is the "permata".

Whatever it is, you have made your choice. You didn't choose him, he has moved on. Leave him alone. Please.

It Is Time For Goodbye

2008-11-05T23:50:00.004+08:00

Earlier today I wrote the post, of being sad...

Fifteen minutes later, I received a bit of news. I was quite surprised, but I guess being in the office, with a list of things to do, I was just... I dont't know.

But now... in my bedroom, I feel sad. Different kind of sad than I had before. I feel like I have lost a loved one. My loved one. Time to bid goodbye, I know. Oh Allah, it has been years, it shouldn't hurt anymore, but it does this very moment. My heart ache.

Thank you, once you gave me a million reasons to smile and laugh, once you gave me hope, once we dreamt together. Once, we were in love... oh how it feels a million years ago, at the same time, the feelings so fresh as if it was just yesterday! I shall now file away the memories, at a place reserved for my worthy friends.

I love you, I have always loved you, God willing, I will always love you. May Allah keep you and your loved ones safe, and always in His path.

Too Lazy?

2008-11-05T15:31:00.002+08:00

Possibly, that is the reason for not updating.

My friend, N, she is already a married woman. Was it really only last April that she shared the good news? Time sure flies.

My darling friend, Zuex, is now in Penang, her new home.

Ratu has canceled her wedding plans. She is now in Bali, enjoying herself silly I imagine.

I was reading Nadia's blog this morning, about moving, and started crying.

Today, I am sad. I feel sad. My whole being is sad. And I don't know why. My right eye is twitching... I must be tired.

I was thinking, Leena & Wardah... I was thinking, maybe we can go to Italianies again one of these days.

Oh well. I must finish my slides, email the 2009 projections before end of the day. Till next time.

Goodbye, Allah Knows Best

2008-10-23T15:50:00.002+08:00

My cousin Im, who is really a brother to me was quite sad during Aidilfitri. His girlfriend had decided that she would like to rethink the relationship after agreeing earlier for a “merisik” visit on the third day of Aidilfitri. My aunt had told many of our relatives that she will be going to her future daughter-in-law’s house and it was such a painful experience for all of us. I still couldn’t believe that this girl had treated my aunt and brother which such disrespect. I can understand wanting the best for ourselves, but it should have been done before agreeing for such a visit, before buying a ring… Not to mention after countless weekends spent at my aunt’s house.

The most troubling feeling is that she has decided later, that she would like to continue with the relationship and started contacting my cousin again. Our family of course would rather not see her face ever again, but the decision should be made my brother so we are leaving it to him. I wonder, after hurting my brother’s feelings now, not considering my frail aunt’s feeling now, what does the future hold for them if they do get married. I was really angry before, but now, looking back, it was almost expected. She has never shown any courtesy, she would pass by my mom’s or Su, and not even attempt to salam. Almost every weekend, she would come to my aunt’s house although her parents house is just nearby. Later on, when her father was sick, she had asked me to not tell my aunt for fear that my aunt would want to visit. Finally, when her family moved to a house near our kampong, she had asked us not to tell my aunt thinking that my aunt will visit them. We were appalled, but we had showed her nothing but kindness, respected her wishes thinking that she might have her own reasons. Yet, one week before the planned merisik, she had decided that my brother is not “the best” for her anymore.

My aunt, ignorant of all these, is still thinking that the merisik was just postponed to a later date. It was our decision to not tell her what had happened knowing that she was really looking forward to see her son married. She lives alone, and is not feeling well. This bit of news will definitely hurt her badly. I really can take this girl decision to not want my brother again, but I am really disappointed that she could hurt my aunt. My aunt adored her and treated her kindly. She had asked me to help her when she was looking for job, she loved this girl, and in return, she had hurt her only child.

Now Im is moving on, he is moving with his life without her former girlfriend. How do I feel? Relieved? Well, yes and no. Yes that Im has moved on. Sad as although I was angry at the former girlfriend for such disrespect, we have gone through a phase of life with her around, so there must be some feelings, I am not heartless. I hope she will grow up and live her own life as an independent woman. Oh I really hope that she won’t cause such sadness to another makcik anywhere with her callous attitude.

GENi -- Everyone's Related

2008-10-21T19:16:00.003+08:00

It has been so long since I wrote kan? I am addicted to GENi =) I started a tree and now I have over 400 relatives connected to me!

InshaAllah, I will be back soon!

Back at Work!

2008-10-09T11:06:00.005+08:00

I am back at work!

I miss my little Apple very much!

I miss my little Tomato very much!

But, it is good to be back here at my place, among my messy papers and Raya cards!

InshaAllah, a long post is coming soon.

p/s: Oh I had a rough start this morning, one of my nephews must have uninstalled my Outlook as it is missing! Wait till I get hold of the culprit! =S

Salam Aidilfitri

2008-09-26T21:07:00.003+08:00

I have a long post, but I am going off to KLIA soon to pick up Cik Ni. Kak Yana is here too, we had Iftar at Penang Village with Suz, Jam and Mas, Alhamdulillah.

Salam Aidilfitri everyone. Mohon ampun dan maaf. I hope this Ramadhan is memorable for everyone.

Love you all.

Ramadhan Visits

2008-09-09T13:34:00.002+08:00

InshaAllah, this Friday I will be driving up north to visit my Tok. Its been a while since my last visit (which was in May probably). The past few weeks, I have been thinking about her rather often. Contemplating, I decided to visit her this holy month with my parents. Hoping that this visit will somehow makes her happy.

I don't miss her much, well I don't think I can. How do I miss someone whom one has never been in constant contact with? I have never lived with her, she has stayed with us for a bit but that was just a one time off.

But I love her. She is my grandmother, I suppose it comes naturally. Often I think of her well being, although not necessary wanting to care for her. Having said that, I will not decline the opportunity to care for her. If she chooses to come and live with me, I will say yes (probably choking at the same time, but I will say yes).

Soon, I will see her and hug her. I will tell her that I love her. And Alhamdulillah, I am happy to say that I can sincerely say that now.

InshaAllah, I coming Tok.

Alhamdulillah For Haariz

2008-09-05T16:22:00.003+08:00

Thank you Allah, for giving me Haariz. Today he is one year old. Alhamdulillah. My fervent dua may Allah please keep him always in His path.

I love you my baby boy!

Always My Favourite

2008-08-29T09:48:00.004+08:00

I can't help it, he really is a favourite of mine. Granted that I have a handful of favourites =)

Last night we went off to KLIA to see my nephew off to Toronto. It felt like saying goodbye, as he will no longer be the baby nephew, he went off as a young eighteen year old but will return a matured man inshaAllah.

There is this huge age gap between us, yet I must say I enjoy his company very much. He is knowledgable, almost like my very own living "Google", humble, sweet, caring and very considerate.

I will miss Alan very much.

Living alone in Toronto without his family with him will be quite a struggle at first I suppose. No matter that he has travelled the world since he was a baby. However I suspect that Alan doesn't think much about it, he is more of a "being" person, who lives his life the best way he knows it. For that very reason I am not worried much, my favourite nephew is a survivor, he will do well inshaAllah.

My fervent duas for him to settle well in Canada, for him to find worthy friends, to live always in His ways, to love the country he will live in for many years to come. For him to find his way back home - to the family whereever we may be.

I love you Alan. May Allah bless you always with His love.

Counting Days To... Ramadhan!

2008-08-25T09:56:00.004+08:00

This came in my email, such a brilliant idea, a wonderful gift for Ramadhan. It is a Ramadhan Journal, filled with ideas and goals. Thank you to developer, may Allah bless you and reward you for this effort.

If you like it, you can download it here for free, Heart Wheel Journal. There is a support forum too if you are not too sure how to go about it.

Well, to quote them, have an outstanding Ramadhan everyone.

Thank You Allah For The Little Things That Matter!

2008-08-22T23:47:00.007+08:00

Its so nice to have a florist living with me... fresh flowers almost everyday! Alhamdulillah!

Oh oh, I just realised that I am almost a tea-freak! Alhamdulillah!

Ramadhan Hopes

2008-08-20T16:28:00.004+08:00

Or rather determination.

I am one of those who are fortunate enough to fast a full month of Ramadhan if I strive to. If from the start of Ramadhan, I care for what I eat, I exercise a bit and manage my health properly, InshaAllah I get a full month of fasting.

After reading Nadia's and Farhana's blogs, I looked at my 2008 List and decided I should make my determination of have a full month of Tarawikh happens. It will be quite a struggle, and it is all the better I suppose as it will more meaningful for me.

To ease things, I would rather not have Iftar outside. I should stick to my place or my parents. Unless the place I am going has a nearby mosque, which means I can probably go to KLCC, actually. LOL.

Alhamdulillah, coming to Ramadhan, we have just received good news. I am thankful that this Ramadhan arriving bearing wonderful news to the entire family. Alhamdulllah. I believe we will receive more good news in the month of Ramadhan. InshaAllah.

Mixed Feelings

2008-08-17T23:22:00.000+08:00

Can one be feeling happy and dejected at the same time?

Saying Goodbyes

2008-08-12T09:36:00.004+08:00

Not to this blog. Not yet, anyway.

I was thinking earlier, this blog has become the bearer of bad news lately. Although I am sad, I am also moving on, well I really want to. I do believe that people have their own "moving on" time, but I am determined to make mine short!

After all, when Mak Ngah was alive, I gave her my best shot. I made time to visit her, talked to her. My visits although not as often as she would have liked, wasn't limited to the month of Syawal only. Busy as I was during Ramadhans, we always had at least one Iftar together. After I moved to my own house, I brought her here for a visit. During her last month, I visited her every weekend. In my mind, I calculated that I could have done better. In my heart, I know I gave it my best shot although it was far from perfect.

Now, I am saying goodbye. She was a wonderful aunt. I will always remember her as compassionate and loving. The aunt who came to see me immediately after I was hospitalised. The aunt who felt that my visits was always too short and far in between. Someone who loved me.

May Allah place her with His loved ones. May He grant her Jannah. May He forgives her and reunite us later.

I love you Mak Ngah.

I am also saying goodbye to a phase of friendship with Zue. We will always be friends, inshaAllah. However, I am old enough, have experienced enough not to delude myself thinking that things will remain unchanged now that she is a wife. I don't want things to be the same anyway. As selfish as I am, it is my fervent hope that she will be a wonderful wife, and even more wonderful mother when the time comes. After all, I have hogged her long enough, it is now time for her husband to enjoy friendship with this gorgeous woman.

Don't worry Zue, I will always love you, even more now than when we first became friends. Even more now that you are married, if that is possible! We will get to spend time together, though the sleep overs might not be as frequent (if there is any) or the dinners might be cut short. It is okay, not seeing as much of you doesn't mean less love, less trust, less friendship.

Oh the wedding! Zue looked so beautiful, it was really breathtaking, MashaAllah! (Those of you who are on my FB list can see her photos there!) The nikah as short and sweet. Right after saying his akad, Lan (that's her husband) went to perform his Solat Sunat. Later they had the normal rituals.

Zue was glowing, with love. It was obvious to everyone. She was also obsessed with standing and sitting very stright (oh yes, the corset drama). Which was really, very very Zue. It was actually quite comforting to know that some things will never change for her! *LOL*

Ratu, Wardah and I spend the night at a nearby resort apartment (albeit uncomfortably!) and went back the next day for the lunch reception. Zue actually texted me several times asking us to please hurry up as were taking our sweet time!

So you see, Zue, I am not saying goodbye. I am only saying goodbye to the "singlehood" sorority.

Soon, inshaAllah, Ratu is also getting married. It won't be the same, as Zue and I had a different relationship, I spent more time with Zue compared to Ratu, in so many ways I am closer emotionally to Zue than I will ever be with Ratu.

It will still be quite an emotional event though I suspect. Especially Ratu is quite the drama queen! *LOL*

Oh I do wonder how it will be when Wardah ties the knot!

This is after all life. I am happy that so many around me are experiencing happy moments. May Allah bless us all with love, love for Him, love for each other.

Inna Lillaahi Wa Inna Ilaihi Raaji’oon

2008-08-07T16:37:00.002+08:00

Mak Ngah left us Tuesday morning. We are devastated, but we also realise that Allah knows best.

I am okay. My dad is okay. Thank you for your duas and your love. We are thankful.

Truly to Allah We Belong, and to Him We Shall Return

2008-07-30T09:27:00.004+08:00

"He alone grants life, and deals death. And unto Him you all must return"
Quran, Surah An-Nasr, 10:56

Last past Saturday morning, at around 7am, the phone beeped. I was still in bed, the text displayed written Amalia's name. She is my school friend, we have been good friends since sixteen. As it turned out, her father passed away that morning at around 6.30am.

I sat staring at the text for quite a while before I went to the kitchen to get Apple's bottle of milk. Watching my niece sleepily drinking, I felt so unreal. Amalia's dad, the fun loving man, who loved to joke around... He is no longer around.

May Allah gives Amalia strength too, to carry on.

Strength Is All I Ask For...

2008-07-23T10:44:00.004+08:00

InshaAllah, I will be off to Canberra next Sunday for work. Initially, I planned to extend my stay a few days and visit my niece Ofa. This morning I mulled over this and decided to come back straight from Canberra. Why?

Last Thursday, my sister in Alor Star called me, she was crying. She just came back from training and strained her back. I think the pain was unbearable at the time when she called otherwise she won’t cry over the phone since she knows that would worry me endlessly. While trying to sound calm, I told her to take wuduk and read the Quran. I asked her to ask Allah for help to ease the pain. Nevertheless, I was worried sick. Before we hang up, I promised her, inshaAllah, I would visit her on Sunday with my parents.

On Friday, my dad called to tell me that my cousin who was hospitalized a few days before due to dengue fever was in critical condition. Saturday morning, I went with my parents to visit him at the ICU. He was conscious, though very very weak. Daddy was quite taken aback as Abg M was quite healthy a few days before.

On Saturday night, we received news that Mak Ngah, Daddy’s older sister is also very very sick.

Sunday morning at 4.30am we left for Alor Star, worrying over Abg M and Mak Ngah. However, I still wanted to go as I promised my sister and she still hasn’t recovered from her back pain. We reached Alor Star at 10am and spent the day with her and her friends. At 3pm, we bid her goodbye and left. Alhamdulillah the traffic wasn’t bad and it didn’t rain very heavily so we reached home at 9pm. It was too late to visit Abg M though, so I called his brother to get some updates. I was very tired, physically tired, mentally tired so I went to bed early.

Come Monday morning, I went to work from my parents’ house. A few minutes after I passed the toll plaza, Abg K’s wife called and told me that Abg M was in coma and the doctor has advised them to inform immediate family members. Abg K felt that I should take my dad there. I called Daddy, asked him to drive to the hospital with Mak and exit the next toll plaza, racing my way to the hospital. I reached there a good 20 minutes before parents did.

Daddy looked tired, and haggard. He came out from the ICU room with tears in his eyes. I held his hand and told him that Allah knows best. Mak went to a corner and recited Yassin, she is a firm believer in reciting Quran no matter what situation we are in. When I told her my sister called and complained of back pain, she recited Yassin and ask Allah to please ease her daughter’s pain. That’s my mother.

We hang around the hospital lounge for quite a while. I texted my two sisters who are away from home to make dua for Abg M. Around 11am, I realized that someone has got to go pick up Mu’az from his pre-school. Usually Daddy will do that, so I went off to pick him up, told him that Abg M is sick and we need to go back to the hospital. On the way to the hospital, Su called to say that she has taken a half-day off from work and wants to go to the hospital too, so I went off to pick her up and went back to the hospital. Driving around did me good, I managed to steady my mind and focus my thoughts when it was frantic at the hospital.

Abg M is Mak Long’s eldest son. When he was younger, just started working, he lived with us instead of his parents. Mak Long’s house is just five minutes away from ours. I don’t know why he stayed with us instead of his parents. That was 25 years ago perhaps. He had a big motorcycle and we always took us for rides after work. Later, he got married and moved away. We see each other all the time, at kenduri, at Mak Long’s house over the weekends. He was even at the airport when I came home from my studies.

Later in the afternoon on Monday, Daddy was restless worrying over Abg M and Mak Ngah. By 4pm, he decided that we should go and visit Mak Ngah. So off we went, Mak, Daddy, my sister Suz and I.

I haven't written anything about Mak Ngah. She is the second in ten siblings. Her husband passed away ten years ago when I was away at university. Mak Ngah lives with my cousins and their kids. About three years ago, Mak Ngah was diagnosed with breast cancer. She went through chemo, and came up alright, Alhamdulillah. Until recently. The cancer came back, and now has spread to her bones.

When my cousin, Kak Idah called me to tell the news, I cringed. I felt like the bad dreams are back in my life. Immediately, I thought of Mak Mah, it felt as if she was still alive waiting for us at home. Later, I felt even terrible. I found myself more than once, feeling thankful that it is not Kak Idah who is facing this. How terrible is that, forgetting that Allah knows best.

Since Saturday, she is bedridden and unable to swallow solid food. The news had us all rattled. Mak Mah left us last April. Months following her passing, we struggled to cope with life without her. The months we spent caring for her, listening to her. Always rushing home to be with her.

Daddy is of course very much affected, Mak Ngah being his elder sister. His relationship with Mak Ngah is of a different nature than his relationship with Mak Mah. Mak Mah was a much younger sister that he looked after, he pretty much raised Mak Mah. Not to mention that Mak Mah lived with Daddy all her life, except the last 10 years after she got married. Even then, she lived close by and visit us almost every weekend, spent every festivities with us. After her second surgery for cervical cancer, she moved back with us until she passed away six months later.

Mak Ngah is the elder sister who Daddy grew up with. She was his friend then, they went to school together, caught missing school and playing at the river together. They are not just siblings, they were also friends back then. After all she is only two years older than he is. Although Daddy hasn’t said much, I know he is hurting, watching his sister in pain.

Am I affected? I am quite close to Mak Ngah. In fact, I can safely say that I enjoy close relationships with my aunts and uncles (must clarify, on my dad’s side). Of all, my siblings and I are closest to Mak Mah and Su as they lived with us. Mak Mah left us when I was eighteen and already in college. Su stayed with us until I was twenty four and now lives next door.

I do have a soft spot for Mak Ngah. I remember when I was eleven and was hospitalized, Mak Ngah took the bus from her house two hours away to come and see me. Until this day, I can still vividly see her expression when she saw me. Tears in her eyes, she reached for me, hugged me close and cried. I didn’t have cancer, I wasn’t dying of critical illness. I was sitting on the hospital bed surrounded with books but Mak Ngah was really scared of losing me.

With that in mind, carved into my heart when I was eleven, how do I feel watching her bedridden and no longer able to form words?

I know Allah knows best. I believe in Him, I believe in His plans. I leave it all to Him. I seek His love and forgiveness, I seek His protection.

I make dua that he bestow upon us all strength to carry on.

This is why, I canceled my extended trip to Melbourne.