Lipstick and Hangnails

Who's The Grinch?

2009-12-22T09:08:00.000-08:00

I have been fighting the Grinch in my home FOR YEARS! Yes, I have! Every toy I bought was questioned as silly and Christmas viewed as just over spending hype. It's hard not to let it get to me. Feeling like I have to justify it all these years has finally caused an "I quit" attitude for me.

So, this year, "I QUIT"! Yes I did. It's an entirely clean slate for me. I decided that it just wasn't worth the anxiety of the fight, or in all actuality THE FIGHT! Every year for the last 26 years or so, I've been the leader when it comes to Christmas and the buying and wrapping of the gifts, only to be heckled for it. I have been Santa! And for the most part, that was o.k. I didn't mind buying the toys, in fact, I quite relished in it. Most likely because I loved Christmas so much myself as a child.

Coming home from Grandma's house was the most agonizing night of the year. Laying on the cold back seat of the car, watching the arc lights go by, wondering how long it would take to get home so I could get into bed and wait to hear the jingle of Santa's bells. I NEVER CHEATED! My sister got up once (or more?) and unwrapped then re-wrapped her gifts.......I didn't find out until I was an adult much like so many other things I found out later about her. But I never never ever cheated!

So it finally got to me. No, I'm not totally blaming my Grinch husband for this decision, even though his opinions and attitudes have taken their tole! No, I decided it all by myself.

I decided it was a year for a break for me. Not to have to get caught up in the shuffle, the anxiety, the wacky freakish hurry of crowds or traffic. It's been quite interesting to watch all the other people around me in a frenzy, needing to get their last minute shopping done! And for what?

No, really, for what? I remember learning that my sister-in-law went through a sort of depression after Christmas, like she was really sad because everyone else around her wasn't as excited about it, or maybe that the gifts she bought may not have gotten the raves she thought should have come from all her hard work. And I didn't understand how anyone could have a kind of depression at Christmas time!

But after spending so many years as the main gift giver, it really does take a tole because there is this feeling when your child opens the one main gift that you've been on pins and needles to give them and they hardly bat an eye and move on to the next gift only to appear to take it with a grain of salt as well, then throw the wrapping paper down amidst the rest of the mess! That gets to a person!!

Oh, and who cleans it up? Yeah......along with cleaning up the dinner mess, the "putting up" the tree, the "taking down" the tree and decor. Plus, when your kids get older, they open their gifts, throw the paper, and then have other people to visit so they leave the house and all the new presents sitting all over, and I must ask myself..............WHY THE HELL did I go to such efforts to make it nice only for it to be poo-pooed so easily!? Thus, I now understand the cause of CHRISTMAS DEPRESSION CLJ!!

Not this year. No, not at all. I decided I would not buy ONE GIFT!! Not one! I would not put up the tree! And my son says to me......."geez, how lame are we, we don't even have a tree!" I replied, "You know where it is, in the big box downstairs in the storage room. You can haul it up and PUT IT UP..... if you want. The ornaments are down there too!" Needless to say, the front room is SANS TREE!

It's been really interesting for me! It gives a different life to Christmas. Makes me look at the requests on the news for donated gifts for children that won't get Christmas a little different! I remember how I just could not imagine the poor kids who may not get much and how terribly awful that would be.......like they had just been orphaned! They WON'T DIE if they don't get that G.I. Joe doll, or the new bike! No they won't! It isn't going to be the end of the world! Really!! It won't!

Lame? Cynical? Grinch-like? Maybe! But I must say, it is SO NICE not to have to worry about it all! The thing that truly makes Christmas is the people. The people and the food! Boy we've seen such an influx of goodies at work I'm amazed I haven't turned into a Two-Ton-Tony! No, I haven't put the reigns on my stomach for all the sweets around me at work! I've enjoyed every bloomin' morsel!

And it's fun to see all the happy faces around me! Then I hear of this person going to see their dad, or that person visiting their aunt and it all comes back to the PEOPLE! To family and friends and PEOPLE! Not gifts, or whether or not you got one or didn't. And it takes me back to the Christmas party at Grandma E's. Seeing all my cousins and grandparents, uncles and aunts. THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!

Loving, comforting, strengthening and visiting those we love.

I'm really having a very Merry Christmas without all the stress this year. I may pick back up next year......and then again, maybe I won't. Either way, I don't want the stress to return so everything will be modified from here on out!

Here's to having a calm, safe and satisfying Christmas full of love and joy!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Pika Learning to Say I Love You

2009-11-21T10:10:00.000-08:00

Our cute Rat Terrier Pika (pronounced Peeka) is being coaxed to say I Love You in dog talk by Heather and Whit. She is doing a pretty good job. We can get her to howl all the time, but only recently has she been giving us syllables to suggest she understands "I Love You".

She's so fun. When I come home, she is so excited she barely knows what to do with her energy and so will have something in her mouth so as not to bite me! Really they are really energetic nibbles. I kiss her on the neck and have since she was very tiny, so she kisses me on the neck too, but it's nibbles! She's a lot of fun.

Who Really Cares?

2009-10-24T06:56:00.000-07:00

Life is so unpredictable, I began to learn this when my sisters kids didn't include me in their lives any more. I always included them, went to their homes, invited them to bring their kids to Liberty Park and have a picnic, celebrated their kids birthdays, and THEIR birthdays.

Hell, we grew up next to each other, they felt more like my little brother and sisters than my nieces and nephew. Our mobile homes were side by side for crissakes! Connected with a common porch. NO KIDDING! If they needed something, they'd just go over to grammas for dish soap, sugar, what ever they needed, we were the next door grocery store! My mom hated that. She could be kind of a wench to them when they'd asked for something. It wasn't like they wanted the dish soap for themselves, but mom went ahead and bitched them out for it. Poor things, walked away, soap in hand with their tails between their legs. I never said anything because I feared the wrath for myself.

When my sister died, my mom blamed the kids for her death. It was the most cruel thing she could ever have said to them. I rarely took my mom on in a fight cuz she would stand her maternal ground as the adult and put me in my place. But I didn't agree on this point and I put her in HER PLACE over that comment. I think the kids have always thought that I, being my mothers daughter, went along with what my mom thought or felt. They don't contact me much, and I don't think they've ever felt for me the way I feel for them. I taught my niece to walk, babysat them for a whole week by myself at age 15. That was a big deal to me then. I had to cook for them, bathe them, dress them. I babysat them all the time, giving me the bond and feeling of being a kind of second mother. I think because they were so young, they don't remember any of that. But I do, and I still feel love for them like a mother does her kids.

Family has always been the most important thing to me. Lately I just feel like throwing it to the wind. Not my immediate family, just the extended part. We came here to take care of my in-laws. Sold our home of 14 years in Utah, took my son out of his high school, away from his friends, away from my daughters friends, left my newly grieving father who had himself been diagnosed with prostate cancer and lost his wife of 53 years only a month prior, quit my job of ten years, said good-bye to my sister, my cousin, and all the rest of our family and friends and (very reluctantly on my part) packed up our lives and moved to Colorado to help out my spouses aging parents with their needs and to care for them. Now, all that has been for nothing.

My husband felt he had a job taking care of his mom and dad. I work full time, cook, clean, put food on the table, prepare great meals for them. My husband has invested his time, his sweat, his BACK, to improve this place. He's finished a garage, finished the entire basement, put in a watering system for the horses, cared for the land and horses. He's logged so many hours on this place, improved it tons, but to no avail. The in-laws, after a huge ka-fuff-ell, decided to pack up and move back to Utah, leaving us here...............for WHAT!

I feel like what the fuck was this all for? What good did any of it do? I sold my home that my husband had finished every room in and saw that the people who bought if from us have it up for sale, at a price $24.000 dollars over what we sold it to them for. They've got pictures of all the rooms in the house online, we looked at the pictures of it last night, my daughter cried looking at all the hard work my husband had done on it, seeing her bedroom, OUR BEDROOM that doubled as a family room where everyone laid on our bed and watched movies. All the nice wood work in the basement, the wood that my husband inherited from his grandfather who had saved it through the war. I was sick. Especially since all this bullshit has gone down, my own family left in the aftermath of what feels like a hurricane.

I'm being pegged the "contentious one". Rumor is flying through every nook and cranny of our Utah family.

Yes, I flew off the handle. Yes, I yelled. Yes, I WAS PISSED! I had just gotten out of my nerve wracking anxiety wrenched job in cardiac rehab, my daughter and her two kids had come to escape her own home issues bringing her own tension to the scene, my brother-in-law and his "girlfriend" had been living here for a month at two different time intervals and had just "announced" they were moving in..........there were no family meetings or discussions about it.......it was just what they were doing...........not that this is my home or anything. I'm just supposed to go along with everything allowing everyone to just come and live here for months at a time and have no say in the matter. That brought the total amount of people living here to ELEVEN! Five adults sharing one bathroom!

Not only that, I buy the food, cook the food, clean up after ELEVEN PEOPLE (my husband was cleaning after everyone too).......no volunteers on that end! And my "guest" would have to get a full ingredient list of what was in the meal (not volunteering to help in the preparation of the meal) to know if it contained GLUTEN. Then after eating, would head back down to the basement, go behind closed doors and stay there.

So I confronted my father in law about the whole idea of our "live ins"! Since our "guests" had come, things were taken out of our closets at whim, my statue was used as a paperweight to mend an air-mattress, left on the floor to be kicked over or broken. My husbands expensive microphones were found in the hallway, outside of the specialty boxes he loaned them to use as tables, instead the cords and mics were dumped out and his boxes were being used for clothes storage. Medications went missing on more than one account.

We had been invaded.............and it seemed no one who could do anything about it cared!

That was the blow-up! And to top it off, through misinterpretation of meaning of the word "it" in referring to what ever their relationship was, be it lovers, boy-friend/girlfriend, whatever "IT" is, I was told not to call her an "IT". Total misinterpretation on his part. Total misinterpretation.................I was grabbed at the throat and pushed down into the recliner chair being choked at the neck while my father in law watched, doing nothing until I looked at him and asked if he was going to do something about it. Cops were called. I made a statement. No charges were pressed, but I wanted him to know that just because you don't agree with a supposed name someone has called you (you've interpreted it as a "name") doesn't give you the right to choke and threaten another persons life over it.

AND I'M THE CONTENTIOUS ONE! FUCK IT! FUCK IT ALL!

No apologies have been made to me YET! But (and I quote), he's not mad at us anymore!

I'm Going Back to 3rd!

2009-09-02T20:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a month since I complained about the issues with my co-workers in cardiac rehab and I can hardly believe I've managed to survive the entire month let alone the full 8 months since I've been there. Friday will be my last day...... THANK GOD!

I went back to the cardiac floor (3rd floor) full time. I never really left, only worked there one day a week. I went to talk to Janet, my nurse manager, and asked her how long my benefits would last if I just quit rehab until I found another job. She said "one month".

I told her I was so distraught I didn't even care if I had another job to take it's place, and that I was going home and bawling all the time with the way I was being treated. She asked me "what about coming back to our floor?" I told her I'd looked online and there wasn't a job for day shift offered! She said she doesn't post the day jobs for a "reason". I told her I'd kiss her feet if she'd let me return and started to cry. She hugged me and said I shouldn't have to feel that way.

So Monday I requested to get out of rehab A~S~A~P and was granted my wish. Friday will be my last day.......Wahoo!

Today I went up to the 3rd floor to schedule my remaining days in September and Theresa, our best CNA, helped me with the computer scheduling! She looked at me from the corner of her eye and said, "I hear rumor you're returning full time?". I shook my head to confirm her question. She pulls her arms down to her legs and gestures "that's so AWESOME......that is so AWESOME"! She said it will such gusto I was totally hyped!!! I felt so appreciated and wanted..........something I haven't felt in a LONG TIME!

She was so elated with news of my return I started to cry! I was so happy I couldn't believe it! I told her my story and she was pissed. She couldn't believe they've been treating me like they have and seemed pretty disgusted.

Theresa's reaction confirmed to me that I've been treated like shit for too long! I was starting to believe their poor opinions of me!

~I feel like a weight has been lifted~

I am going to miss the patients in rehab though! I'm going to miss the job itself, what it accomplishes. We really see how exercise changes people, how they start out looking at the other patients and don't feel like they'll ever be as fit or able to be like their peers, and then later express how proud they are of themselves because they surpassed their own expectations of themselves.

I've been held back by my peers. I have not been allowed to participate or give of myself as I had hoped. I feel my peers have been so intimidated that they have been "reaching" to find fault and have especially gone out of their way to make my mistakes known to everyone they can, especially to our superiors and the director.

Nate says when I am out of the way they'll have to find another person to place blame on. It'll be very interesting indeed.

I don't want to hold a grudge! I'm just happy I have a floor to go back to! I'm especially glad I never quit the floor entirely or I'd really be in a bad place right now!

It has made me appreciate where I came from and I'm looking forward to having some days off. It won't be right away though because I'm scheduled to work Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday, 12 hours each day! Yikes!

I'm not complaining!

Beans Beans Beans

2009-08-04T08:28:00.001-07:00

A whole pot down the toilet........LITERALLY! It took five flushes to get the whole pot down. I could smell the chili powder and it made my mouth water. What a waste! After two hours of cooking and the beans still weren't done,Veloy said, "they aren't going to get soft, I once cooked dead beans all day long and they never got soft. The beans are dead."

I didn't want to believe her, that's why I kept cooking away. The aroma of carrots, onions, celery, cumin and chili powder filled the entire house. I looked forward to chili for three days!

I think I grabbed the wrong bag. This taught me a lesson. A bag of beans is a buck seventy four. It started to be more of a loss after all the veggies were in. Just glad I waited to put the meat in!

I'm trying again today. I soaked the beans last night and I KNOW these beans are fresh. Wish me luck!

Uncomfortable

2009-07-29T05:19:00.001-07:00

I've blogged about this subject before, but it seems to be an ongoing problem that hasn't been settled.

I'm debating looking for another job, and I find the whole idea rather annoying as I really like the work, the clients and using my exercise degree. I've been with this job a total of seven months and there is one employee that makes me shake in my shoes. The reasons are many, but I really feel she is trying to make a case to get me to either leave or be fired! Connie!

Isn't that just really awful? There are a total of four people in our group of workers, two were hired 6 months before me, Connie and Emily, and one after me, Molly. I haven't felt very supported from the beginning, and have, at times, felt alienated, set aside and un-welcome which, in a group of three (at first) is a very lonely feeling, but I figured it was just my own silly unconfident-new-job feelings and that they'd go away as the job became more familiar. They haven't!

In fact, the girl who was put in as supervisor Emily, and I have had several meetings with the directors to settle the issues and we've finally come to better terms and I feel the relationship and work environment is much better. But, I'm now wondering if it was Connie all along that has been stirring the pot, and reporting it to Em. I sound a bit paranoid but I had a meeting with Connie that I requested myself, and asked her if she had issues with me. She tried to be professional, but she has these glaring eyes and wrinkles at her mouth from being so "tight lipped", and she boldly said that she "doesn't respect me" as a nurse! I couldn't believe it. If you only knew what she was basing this statement around you'd laugh! She is one of the most anal retentive, follow every rule to a "T" women that it's really hard for me to work with her. I'm more relaxed and laid back and she is so uptight it's pitiful.

Both women are devout "Christians" and have Jesus in common, which makes it even more difficult to believe that Connie can be so heartless. I am trying to find solace and peace about it all. I'm not sure how to proceed with her. I feel she is watching my every move which is very uncomfortable to me. I wish I knew how to deal with Connie and my work experience would be so much better.

Sara Bareilles - Gravity

2009-07-29T05:02:00.001-07:00

The dance done by Kupono and Kayla on So You Think You Can Dance is a very creative interpretation of Sara's song. I think this music video is so creatively AWESOME, I love it!

Exercise is Grrrrrrrrrreat

2009-06-30T06:01:00.000-07:00

My legs are killing me, my butt is tight making it very hard not to walk funny, my shoulders feel like they are in a tight sling, but my Pilates classes and tests are DONE! Well, almost done. I now have to accumulate 200 teaching hours, 100 observation hours and the rest of my practice hours. I haven't added up all my practice hours but I don't have that many, maybe 20.

It's a beautiful thing being this far into my training. I absolutely love Pilates. Problem is, I just had an MRI of my neck done and have four, count them, FOUR bulging discs in my cervical spine making it very hard to do the roll over, which just happens to be one of the exercises that was in my test out!

My neck always hurts and I now seem to almost have chronic headaches. I now need to make an appointment with a spine specialist! Yikes, not what I ever planned for.

I guess we don't always plan for things like this, but I don't know what I would have done, besides compete gymnastics, to have hurt my neck! No worries though....I don't plan on letting it stop me in Pilates!

The Best Mother's Day Ever

2009-05-15T19:18:00.001-07:00

I had to stare at these boxes for five days

waiting to open them.

The Reformer with Tower.

(The floor isn't finished yet)

The Cadillac (or Trapeze as it is called)

Nate sitting

on the Cadillac

I got my Pilates equipment on the 4th of May. They were supposed to be here by April 28th but were late! I was worried about it because we knew Nate was going to Utah and I wanted him to be able to put the equipment up before he left.

Too bad, so sad for me. They didn't come until AFTER my four days of Pilates training.

DAMN!!!

I was really worried about getting the 800 pounds of equipment off the truck without Nate being here. Because I bought it in the month of April, I got free delivery which would have been nearly $500.00. This only included "curbside" delivery so they would take the equipment to the garage and not help get it into the house!

I couldn't believe the guy this big moving company sent to unload my equipment. His gut stuck out to Maine and he had a limp and moved really slow. He was TOTALLY out of shape to be lifting and moving the boxes we had. I was worried he was going to hurt himself and so I asked if he had had an injury. He told me he had numbness and tingling in his leg! GREAT! This guy was going to move my $9000.00 dollars worth of equipment off a truck four feet off the ground and into our garage. At that point I wondered why I ever asked him if he had any tips as to how to get it into the house. As it turned out...he wouldn't have been able to do it himself!

Heather, Whit and I helped him finagle it off the truck and a few times Heather and I both thought he was going to drop them on the ground from off the lift! He was trying to get the boxes, which were stacked on top of each other three high, from inside the truck to the lift so he kept rocking them back and forth getting them nearer and nearer to the edge of the lift. I kept trying to brace them to make sure they wouldn't fall off and I seriously thought he was going to drop them on my head a couple times. THAT could have killed me as they were just above my head!

I was so grateful to get them in the garage I quickly signed the papers to get the dude off our land and started oogling the boxes anxious to see what was inside!

Have you ever gotten a gift in a box that big? Can you blame me for being excited? Go back to the top and look at the size of those boxes! I had to look at them sitting in my garage for FIVE LONG DAYS....just waiting for the equipment in them to be put up in my gym. That was a very long wait!

After the moving guy left, I really looked the boxes over and there were a few dents in them. THEN I read the signs on the boxes that said to look at the boxes BEFORE the delivery guy left and if there was damage, make him open them on the spot to inspect the equipment!

RRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHHTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!

Each box was about 400 pounds and we were supposed to take the top one off so we could inspect the contents of the bottom box that had damage. That was never gonna happen!! Especially with the help of the dude with the limp and big gut!

I took pictures and sent them to the company I bought them from. Everything turned out o.k. No damage at all.

Putting up my equipment was better than Christmas! It was the best Mother's Day I've ever had!

The gym is getting pretty crowded now what with the new additions, but I'm not complaining. It's been super fun practicing and I'll be getting into shape before you know it! I'm thinking of cutting down by one day at work so I can have more time to play! Maybe after I visit Aub and Nate and the kids in July!

Oscars

2009-04-09T07:24:00.000-07:00

Maybe I've been expecting too much, seeing Hollywood as something of a God, but ever since I was a little girl I've been fascinated with celebrity, movies and the shining vision of being a star, dreaming I was on stage receiving one of those golden cameos of honor. I can remember sitting down with my parents to watch the Oscars and listening to the presenters dressed in their royal gala, the audience filled with all our favorite actors and actresses and only dreaming I could be amongst them.

I guess I never saw the Oscar for what it really is...... a "political" award. I always saw the winner as the "best of the best". Now as an adult, I can go back and actually look at the prior winners and say with conviction that the award doesn't always go to best movie, though there are very many fantastic films honored with the award, one of them being The Sound of Music. I love how this movie makes me feel. The story line, the music, the setting, the acting, all breathe such life and love into my soul.

I've been waiting for Slumdog Millionaire to come in the mail since putting it on our queue on Blockbuster after the Oscars. Now that I've seen it, I have to go back to what motivated me to love the Oscars in the first place.

After viewing this film, I don't see how it can claim being "The feel-good film of the decade", especially when compared to The Sound of Music. I felt like I had been pushed in a sewer and left out to dry in a garbage dump!

I asked my Pakistani patient if there was any truth to the down trodden portrayal of life in India and he said "yes". That there are some there whose home consists of a canopy attached to a building and that they live there all their life. He said that the garbage dump areas truly do exist. I was appalled.

How can you compare riding bicycles in the countryside and singing Do Rae Me to children getting their legs cut off and their eyes burned out as being one and the same? I didn't "feel good" at all after viewing this film.

Not to mention that it also won for best music. The song Jai Ho showed up at the end of the film with a bunch of Indian youth dancing to a souped up version of Persian Rap with Michael Jackson dance moves and was totally disconnected to the entire movie. Why didn't they keep to the Pakistani ways and use Persian choreography? The song at the end of Wall-e made me cry it has such a potent message in it. Why didn't IT win? I don't get it.

Nah! The U.S. being at war with a Persian country and a film based on Persian lifestyle winning the Oscar isn't a political thing...... wouldn't you agree?

-------------------------------

The past three years have really changed my feelings about the Oscar and has left me disappointed and sad to say the least.

Movies have and will continue to be a constant in our families diet. I love to watch the Oscars like some people love the Super Bowl. In fact, every year I threaten to hold an Oscar party with the works, you know, champagne, hor d'oerves and ball gowns, but it never happens. I do, however, keep close tabs on upcoming movies and plunk myself down, rivoted to the t.v. on Oscar night.

The problem I've found, is that no matter how many movies I've seen in the year, the ones nominated, for the most part, are movies I haven't even heard of, let alone seen, and most likely are still in theaters, which makes it even more difficult to view them all before Oscar rolls around.

So more than likely we end up seeing the winners of last years Oscars over the span of the next year and this is exactly what we are still doing. We're still catching up on 2008 movies, which were the 2007 picks, so I'm seriously two years behind.

This year I printed up the Oscar ballots for everyone and we all picked which movie, song, actor we wanted to win and which ones actually won. It was fun but got a little heated because poor Claralynne was bored to death in a darkened room where she couldn't be two years old and run around getting into things while we were all glued to the t.v.

After finally getting to best actor/actress and best picture, it appeared that the DVR had stopped taping so when all we really needed to do was move into the next taped area on the DVR, we accidently fast forwarded and the in rewinding revealed all the winners in fast motion replay.........shoot! Oh well, no worries! Sean Penn looked great in fast-mo!

I've since viewed Milk and Vicky Christina Barcelona, only one of which was good film and it didn't have a sexy actress in it! If I had known Vicky Christina was a Woody Allen film I wouldn't have wasted my time. I can't stand him..... speaking of Hollywood Politics. I haven't the foggiest why everyone thinks he us such an icon! I really don't like his films, nor his lifestyle at all!

I have no clue why Penelope Cruz won for best supporting actress. So what if she can get angry and stay pretty, that doesn't prove she can act! Sean Penn, however, did a phenomenal job in Milk, and I will buy that film. I haven't seen Benjamin Button yet but it is in my Blockbuster queue right now and I'm waiting for it to come in the mail!

I like it when I finish viewing a movie and want to watch it again or maybe want to buy it so I can see it again some time in the future. I'm not a snob about blood and guts, one of my favorite movies is Pulp Fiction, and I can remember seeing the end and couldn't believe I actually loved it, especially because it has many elements in it that made me hate the other movies.

So I guess what it boils down to is that all the Hollywood glamour just doesn't cut it for me now that I can see through it and have my own best movie opinions. Oscar may be losing it's luster for me, but this hasn't damaged my love of movies.

Maybe I'll hold my own Oscars and pick from the films my family and cohorts actually saw in the year, not the ones the film community chose for us. Just because I feel let down by the prior Oscar winners, doesn't mean you won't find me at Blockbuster or in the theater getting my fill of movie adventure.

Getting Older

2009-03-28T00:46:00.000-07:00

I think about aging EVERY SINGLE DAY!

I look in the mirror and wonder where my youthful face went.

The secret about staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age

~ Lucille Ball ~.

Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it's up to you to merit the face you have at fifty. ~Coco Chanel~

Old Age: First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.

~Leo Rosenberg~

Said the little boy, "Sometimes I drop my spoon"

Said the old man, "I do that too."

The little boy whispered. "I wet my pants."

"I do that too," laughed the old man."

Said the little boy, "I often cry."

The old man nodded, "So do I."

"But worse of all," said the boy, "it seems

Grownups don't pay attention to me."

And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.

"I know what you mean," said the old man.

~Shel Silverstein~

I don't feel really really really old, but I remember when my eyes were opened to aging. It didn't happen when I looked into my grandmothers eyes, or felt the soft loose skin on the underside of her arm. It wasn't when I noticed my mother had gone gray, or when my dad's front tooth broke off. And is wasn't when I no longer got the full attention of my grandfather pinning me down for a whisker burn, not because I couldn't take it, but that he couldn't get back up off the floor.

It was in nursing school. My eyes were opened to what happens to us when we lose bladder control, and when our minds don't function like we want them to when memory seems to close in on us or almost disappear altogether.

I remember being really resentful of having my ignorance taken. I didn't want to know what was coming. I liked being in the dark about that part of the future. But once your eyes are open, they don't close again.

Snow Day

2009-03-26T21:06:00.000-07:00

We were told from several sources at work on Wednesday to expect 8-18 inches of snow that may start either Thursday morning or Thursday evening. So I came home, covered up the pile of wood on the west side of the house with a tarp, and hauled a load in the wheel barrel up to the front door. Today I went to Pilates to observe a teaching session and it was lightly snowing. I went to a couple stores and when I came out my car was totally COVERED. After traveling on the highway for a few minutes, it was apparent that we were in white out conditions and it was a total blizzard.

I passed four accidents in a row, the cars involved were totaled, truckers jack-knifed in the middle of the highway and not just one but three, an ambulance was unable to get through, giant plows were unable to get through. It was UGLY and I was scared!! What would normally have taken me about 1/2 hour to get home, took 2 hours.

I called work around 6:30 this evening and asked if the nurses were being required to stay over night and I was right, they weren't going anywhere! I had to do that a year or so ago! The news called it a "state of emergency" .

My car got stuck half way up the hill on the driveway so I was blocking the road. Whit and I had to pull my car up the road with his X-Terra! His car smelled like something was burned when we were done. Damn! What a P.I.T.A! Nate is in Utah, Earl is in Utah. Us kids were left alone to take care of ourselves during a blizzard! I hate feeling like a kid during emergency conditions like this. We're bringing in wood and starting fires ourselves! How many people do you know have to use the wood-burning stove for heat and live in the wilderness, (almost)? Well, we aren't really kids, but I feel like I am when these conditions arise.

Work was called off for tomorrow, hallelujah! I can catch up on sleep and house cleaning.

I'm only a step or two away from ordering my reformer. I'm so psyched about it! I got the swatches to choose the color I want on it yesterday. This is probably the hardest part about all the choices to be made. After talking to one of the instructors today, I think I may order the cadillac too. That's a whopping investment, but I'm looking forward to it.

Safe Haven

2009-03-22T22:02:00.001-07:00

Where is your safe haven? The place you turn to for serenity, peace, calmness, freedom, understanding and love? Is it your church, religion, god, the swimming pool, the backyard tulip garden, or your oil paints? What brings you back to a time, like when you were little and the cares of this earth didn't seem to exist and safety of soul was a normal existance? Did you ever feel safe as a child? Under the wings of parents who loved you and did everything in their power to provide you with all the necessities of life?

Why such deep thoughts? Well, because I'm a pretty serious person. I wish for lightheartedness every day. I wish not to be so deep. I didn't used to be so deep and serious. I used to be lighthearted but so many of the obstacles in my life seem to stand in the way of it now.

I recently joined Facebook, and at first thought I had discovered a gold mine. My husband joined before me and had mutual friends from high school added to his book that I hadn't seen in decades. I wanted to have the same thing. Even some of my own family members were on his friends list. These were family that I would love to touch bases with and I had no idea they were all gathering around in this new tool called Facebook.

What's up with that? I have a Myspace account, and NOBODY contacts me from THAT!

So I joined!

Next thing I know, some certain family members asked to be my friend on Facebook and hesitation set in.

Some of these people are "related to" other people who have hurt my family very deeply and I wasn't sure just how to respond. I didn't want to hurt their feelings by declining their friendship, after all, it was their family member, not them, who hurt me (and my family).

But they're all related (as am I to them). So suddenly Facebook became not so fun anymore.

I know this sounds confusing, but I feel I have to protect people all the time. Identity, confidentiality etc.

So I added some of the family on it and now I'm back to old feelings that I've pushed under the water for years. I know this is awfully vague, but children were involved. My nieces and nephew were awarded custody of the state, and some of my family members ended up adopting them and then turned around and declined our involvement in their lives. I wish, every time I think of it, that the kids had been adopted by outside sources rather than by my own family, because then, there wouldn't have been the discord and dissension I suffer from now. Each person in the family seems a bit unsure whose side to take and it has caused a rift and a division in my family.

I used to want to plan a reunion in the canyon for an overnight camp where volley ball, hiking, baseball and roasting marshmallows by the fire while my hubby plays guitar was a dream. I had all kinds of games in mind to play. I really had it planned out right down to the camp site, making the reservations and all. But then this happened and the desire has gone up in smoke. Which really bothers me because I am so totally family oriented.

I wonder about what God would have me feel. I can't deny my pain. I don't want to forgive, because my feelings and the feelings of my immediate family have not been considered as important. And I know my shunning them does little to effect them.

Well, I don't know it, but can't see how it has effected them much.

I can't help wonder how the children feel. They adopted them and have not included my immediate family as part of the kids true biology. It's hard to explain, but, it's as if we don't exist, and they don't want the kids to know anything about their true beginnings or where they came from, even though we are all related.

I get so infuriated, I can't even sleep or think of anything else when the subject comes up. I just want to ring someones neck and throw a tantrum. So I avoid the subject completely.

Which brings me back to the beginning of the blog. Where do you find your peace?

Daily Drudge

2009-03-21T21:09:00.000-07:00

Bought a pair of reading glasses for $20.00 yesterday at Walley World. Was excited to wear them. When I got home from shopping they were no where in my purse. I took everything out of the purse looking for them. I know I placed them in my purse at the store. I know it, I know it, I can remember tearing the tag off so they'd fit in the cute little soft cover they came with and I know I stuck them in my purse!

Freaked out........my kids are used to me not being able to find things

like my glasses

and made fun of me telling me I would find them.

It's easy to blow off the bananas or bell peppers that got left at the store. A couple bucks, that's all the loss. But I couldn't blow off a $20.00 dollar pair of readers. Why? Because I used to buy tons of them at the dollar store in Utah. I never paid over a dollar for a pair of cute reading glasses so $20.00 was too much.

Found them!

Between the passenger door and the seat! Dumb!

**********(((((((())))))))***********((((((((())))))))))***********(((((((()))))))))************

Worked today. We have a new way to self schedule online. I wasn't notified about it. Hmmmm. Feelin' a bit slighted from the 3rd floor. It's alright.....my boss apologized when she explained it to me over the phone.

Kids are going snowboarding tomorrow. I work and no one will be home with Pika! Not sure what to do.

I miss Nate but hope he is able to enjoy his family no matter if it was a funeral that took him to them.

Buckles and Dreams

2009-03-19T08:55:00.000-07:00

I woke up from a really awful dream last night that Heather had died in my arms. I ran up to her room and hugged her and cried and cried. It made me sick. After talking to her for over an hour I returned to my bed and asked my husband if I was crying in my sleep as I've done that before and he said I hadn't. I don't think I've been as involved in my children's lives as they've gotten older thinking they don't need me as much. But, I think it may be that they need me more now than ever as it doesn't just involve scraped knees and boyfriend problems. It's more in line with real adult issues and circumstances, of which, I don't myself feel all that confident so I've kind of walked away from assisting in some of those areas.

Truly, some of them frighten me and I avoid things that scare me. Like doing all the online financial prep work to get Heather and Whit into college. Nate did all that for me when I was in school and he just hasn't put out much effort to get that done for the kids. I'm so into myself and my own accomplishments right now that I just don't get involved much with their needs. I think I'm beginning to see how life is wearing my kids down trying to do adult things themselves that they have no clue how to do.

I have been so career oriented of late that my old self has been put up on a shelf and .............lately I've been missing me.............. and thoughts and feelings of peace have came to me without my asking for them. Memories as simple as the taste of a peach grown next door in my mother in laws yard in Bluffdale. Or my learning to cut wood for tole painting projects on my dad's band saw. I used to tole paint, cook meals that were good for us, clean my house, do the laundry, comb my kids hair. As simple as these things are, they bring me peace.

I haven't felt like "the mom" in a long time. Being a mother was really all I ever wanted to do as a child and that goes to show that my mother was a great role model for me. My focus has changed from that of my husband and children and providing a peaceful home, to work, nursing and making money. I miss my peaceful focus. That's not to say that nursing isn't a good field, it's just that my thought process has been that of "career" instead of "nursing". I can take all my mommy stuff to work and continue to be a mom AND a nurse and I think I really need to think of it like that.

I was asked at work yesterday if I wanted to cut down on some of my hours, largely because they are always trying to avoid sending me into overtime beings that I work for two departments. After thinking about it, and talking it over with Nate, it sounds like a good idea. I just worry about not having as much on my paycheck. It would cut me down by about 8 hours in two weeks and free me up by a day a week.

Allowing myself to think back on when I was actually "the mom" of the house brings me back to a feeling of peace that I haven't had for a very very long time. You see, over the past several years mine and Nate's roles have been reversed. Nate has been doing all the "mom" things for a long time........laundry, dishes, cleaning etc. and I've really had a tough time allowing him to take over the areas I was so proud to do myself. I've been afraid of him taking over my role entirely. I've also taken on some of his roles as well being the main money maker of the house, which I've held some resentment over for a long time. But, I had a thought this morning that gave me a sense of self and it was that no matter how many of the jobs of mine he takes over, he will never be "THE MOM". And no matter how many of the roles of his I take, I will never be "THE DAD"! We used to talk about role reversal a lot years back, but it seems we've just fallen into "doing" and just going forward with the day to day stuff and not talking about it much.

Nate is traveling back to Utah today for his uncle Roy's funeral. Earl and Veloy have been back in Utah for the past couple of weeks believing this trip would be the last they would make on Roy's behalf, and they were right.

On a weird note, I found a belt on the floor in my dressing room that was my moms. I don't know how it got there or how I got it but it has her name "Dar Dar" on the buckle. It makes me wonder if it was my own mom who sent me that dream. It took something out of me because I've been in my pajamas ALL DAY LONG, and the only time I do that is if I'm sick, tired to the point of exhaustion or depressed! I think it's a little of the latter two.

Hard Partings

2009-03-14T03:22:00.000-07:00

Love the "Nathan's" family chair

Clara didn't get her way

Meme and chubby James

Aub and her bebe's

Nate and James in the airport

First greetings since we saw them last in July '08

(Arrival date in Colorado Feb 26 '09 )

Clara was frightened of Whit at first and wouldn't go to him.

He was very happy when she gave in and fell in love with him.

Sarah Whit and Tony

Tone's teeth are green

because he ate something

green

Have you ever loved someone so much that their physical absence causes physical pain?

I wish I could quote that line from the movie What Lies Beneath with perfection. Or the one I just heard in the movie Death at a Funeral where, at his father's funeral, the brother makes a comment about how loving people causes so much emotional baggage that he'd just rather not get into personal relationships. I know what both of those statements feel like. But I'm not a stone and have just enough close relationships to feel the ever foreboding pain caused by their absence.

It's 4:00 in the morning and I've been awake since 3:00, because my little darlings are going home today, a day I have dreaded with all the fibers of my being since they first got here. See, there's where not having close relationships would come in handy because then I wouldn't feel like my heart is being wrenched in a vice and thrown out a window. That's an awful analogy but I can't seem to stop the flow of tears and I feel totally selfish for it.

It's not that my family here in Colorado aren't enough for me, it's that I don't like partings, and I don't like being separated from my loved ones, especially when I'm not exactly sure when I'll be able to hold my grand babies again, or hug my daughter. It's almost unbearable.

I'm almost to the point of being inconsolable, and I don't like it.

I've had so much fun kissing and tickling and doing acrobatics with my grand babies. I wish I had kept a journal of our days with them now. We've done a lot of shopping, Aub, me and the babies, but it got difficult with the time span in the car. Aub and Heather went somewhere together and Clara threw up in the car so from that point we took along a bowl and second set of clothes, which came in handy when Aub and I were going on our shopping spree and just as we came around a corner, Clara threw up not once, or twice, but three times in a row. James quickly followed suite and we were dumbfounded about why he would too. The only conclusion we came to was sympathetic barfing. That put a damper on things but we still went and bought a coat and shoes for Aub.

We went to a couple of play areas with the kids, which Aubrey lined up, and I'm so glad she did because I got some good pictures (and some not so good ones......still learning about photography). We all had a blast.

Aubrey has tickled our taste buds with some very yummy dinners. My favorite was the salmon Aub, but the coconut chicken breasts, seasoned whole chicken and french dip were also amongst my favorites. Your hubby is truly spoiled! She is an excellent cook and I'm so proud of her and how she is raising her little ones. She is really a very fun loving, sweet and generous mommy and I can't stop crying again.

We've had some pretty devastating events go on just recently and Aubrey has been a comfort and a boon to our family during these times and I'm grateful she was here for it although it would probably not have been something she would have chosen and I for one could have done without the drama. None-the-less, our family seems to be founded in drama and screaming, of which we were not without. What would we be like without the drama and yelling? Boring! Perhaps. Calm? That'd be a nice change, but I'm afraid I have an anxious side of me that may never subside.

Sometimes I wonder what kind of old person I'll make. I take care of a lot of cranky, mean and bull headed ones. I also take care of the sweet old man and lady types too. Somehow I don't feel I'll fit into the "sweet old lady" category.

Anyway. It's taken three hours to do this blog. Downloading pictures to my computer takes forever.

Just wanted to say.................THANK YOU AUBREY! I loved having you and your kids here.

THANK YOU NATHAN HATCH for sharing. I'm sorry you were alone so long but I really needed this.

Now on with the packing and 1.5 hr trip to the airport where I will be bawling on the inside the whole time there.

On With Training

2009-03-09T06:30:00.000-07:00

For the past four days I have been involved in my much anticipated Pilates teacher certification classes and I just had to drop a line to say how utterly excited and overwhelmed I am. There is so much I have to study, practice, and learn before returning April 30 for another four days of intense education. Don't get me wrong..........I'm not complaining.........I've been looking forward to this day for more than eleven years. I don't recall just exactly how I came into learning about Pilates, but I've been wanting to get certified for what seems like an eternity.

In the 1990's, I think I stumbled onto something online about it and ate up every little morsel of information I could get my hands on from going on sites that sell the equipment to learning about Joseph Pilates and about his lifes work in fitness and exercise rehabilitation.

I've wanted to meet Romana, one of the "elders" of the work of Pilates who actually studied under Joseph when he was alive. She is still alive today in New York. My dream was to be trained from her or someone else who got their education from "Joe" himself, and Romana would have been my choice, but as I am not going to New York any time soon I had to start my education here in Colorado. The owner of the studio that I am taking my lessons from was actually trained by Romana, so I am very close to that hopeful goal as I will be taking lessons from her too soon.

I would be considered a 4th generation student as my instructor, Kristi Cooper, was trained by Rael, who was trained by one of the "elders" that was trained by Joseph Pilates himself. I can't remember the way to spell Rael's last name, and don't remember who he was directly trained by but I'll fill in those blanks later. The heart of this blog is that I am so very happy to be where I am now, to have started this wonderful journey and can't wait to continue on with my work.

I am currently deciding between Balanced Body and Peak Pilates equipment. I need to purchase my reformer ASAP so that I can practice as much as possible at home. Lessons can add up in cost, and I thought that I had invested enough with just the classes for certification, but I was wrong. I will be spending much more before I'm through. But it will all be worth it.

I'm looking forward to the post that I will write that will contain a picture of myself on my brand new reformer. That will be an emotional day for me because I've looked forward to owning my own studio since what seems like forever, and the day I purchase my first piece of equipment will be the day I actually started my own Pilates business.

I was a gymnast, dancer and cheerleader in high school and have suffered from pain, arthritis and dysfunction from old injuries acquired therein. Gymnastics was a very big part of my life in school and the gym was my second home. Since leaving high school, I have been looking for that second home and found it when I became a fitness and aerobics instructor in my new job at Spa La Fem in West Jordan Utah. From there I had to quit my job when I got married and moved to Logan Utah where I majored in Modern Dance at Utah State University. I became pregnant with my first baby and both Nate and I lost our jobs working for Pepperidge Farms so we had to move back to Salt Lake. I became a full time mom and had too more children but decided I needed something more. Nate convinced me I should get a degree in nursing instead of computers so I became an RN, and still didn't feel like I was in the right place as my gym home had not been found. I decided to complete my degree in Exercise Sport Science at the University of Utah in exercise physiology with the idea that I would get my Pilates certification afterwords. I have been looking to Pilates for assistance in healing and recovering those old high school injuries and after beginning my Pilates classes I believe I will be able to work through all my old injuries. I can also say I've found my new niche, my peaceful place, my place of sanity, serenity and joy.......................I found my new gym home.

Feeling Subservient

2009-02-27T21:52:00.000-08:00

I really love my new job, and I like one of the girls I work with. Her name is Emily. But the other one is one of those type A nurses who complains about dust! You know the kind of person who has to have everything around them almost perfect and wants "YOU" to be just like them. And that little person inside me just wants to throw clothes on the floor out of spite.

Not literally but I really don't want to do anything she says just to show her who's boss. I have more qualifications than she does in this job, but Emily practically worships her. And so I feel like a third leg when I'm working with the two of them because they talk to each other and I'm not truly included.

We interviewed a girl for a PRN part time position today. I was told several days before this interview that there were a certain sub-set of questions that the director wanted asked, yet I wasn't included in what the questions were, and as I sat there (I was informed that I was to be a part of this interview process even though I obviously wasn't truly a "part of it"), both of my co-workers kept asking all kinds of questions of this girl, basically leaving me out. Oh yeah, they looked at me at the end of the interview and asked me if I had anything to add! I said......"Nope, looks like you two covered it".

I don't feel I should bring up my feelings to them because it won't help the situation, but I can't help feel a bit put off because there are only the three of us running the joint and I can't help it if I feel like I'm Cinderella.

That's kind of what Connie treats me like................Connie is the one I don't really like too much.

Emily's only 25 or 26 years old, and is running our rehab and she too has less qualifications than I do. It's hard on my ego. I just keep holding my tongue.

My honey gets to hear the run down of my feelings all the time and he advises me to sit quietly and add only when I have something to add, and in the meantime, just be subservient. I have a really hard time with that, but I feel he's right.

I don't like it that I'm nearing 50 years old and I'm feeling subservient to a 20 year old and I'm a 14 year Registered Nurse and have a bachelors degree in Exercise Science. How do you get the respect that should come with your hard work from all the time and energy that goes into your job and diploma? I don't know.

===Sushi Retreat===

2009-02-26T14:29:00.000-08:00

Parker, Heather and Whit with Techan (sushi chef) in the background.

Parker and Heather introduced us to AI Sushi in

Colorado Springs.

Techan is the main sushi chef at AI in

Colorado Springs.

He gives us all kinds of new tastes of sushi and occasional free

whiskey shots to those who will drink with him!

Me and Nate

Heather and Parker

Whit and Sarah

Aub and her sushi! Yum!

Clara chugs a swig.

Little James and his everlasting smile.

We went to AI Sushi the day after Valentines and it was a good thing because according to the staff, it was packed on Valentines Day.

Brother and Sister

2009-02-26T13:42:00.001-08:00

I wish I could find the picture that more precisely shows the likeness of Aub and Whit. One day I was fishing through some photos and came across it and to my surprise I thought it was Whit, but in fact it was Aub. It was a close up and I was in shock to see the likeness of the two. So we decided to take some pics to show the resemblance (although the pics are a bit kooky and out of wack we enjoyed ourselves)

Their eyes are a lot alike! (It's somewhat eerie and uncanny how much

they both appear to resemble Marty Feldman in this pic!)

They both have a natural arch in their eyebrows, have the same chins!

Obviously brother and sister.

Aub agrees, he is the male version of her and she the female version of him.

My Kids All In CO at the Same Time

2009-02-22T07:53:00.000-08:00

I haven't had all my kids in the same state at once in over a year. We've come close but are still missing one and that's Aub's hubby Nate. We miss ya man! Aub visiting has been a special treat.

Uncle Whit washing Clara's hands

Aub and James

Aub and Clara

Clara in Meme's slippers! Everyone loves 'em.

I've got Pika pics in them too.

Great grandma J. gets some lovin' from the baby.

He's soooooo heavy!

This was a balloon type ball that popped and became a hat.

Squnches up their faces. Lurv it!!

Me and Clara

Nate looks like he's posing for Me!

Aub caught a pic of us hugging

Heather be covered in dogs

Aub and her kiddles

James and Clara at the Mall

Whit's Tats

Oober cool! It's his zodiac sign (Aries).

He drew a sketch of it a while ago and the tattoo artist elaborated. I love it.

Happy Valentines Day

2009-02-14T07:51:00.000-08:00

I sat on the bathroom floor holding James as I watched the toilet paper roll unravel......again.....only, this time it did it all by itself....... I guess maybe it was used to dropping to the floor, or just anticipating those two little hands smacking it down to the ground for the umteenth time. I have raveled it back up to it's original resting state at least four times! I understand the fascination but criminitly trigger! It's getting annoying.

James has a very red rash on his face from his sister spraying the tire whitening spray at him. That junk hurts your lungs if you inhale it, and obviously burns the skin. He doesn't appear to have eye damage but poor Aub was at her wits end last night when I called to see how things were. I brought home a Dove bar and some rotten chocolate milk from the gas station for her to make her feel better. I didn't know the milk was rotten until she opened it up and drank it. I about puked too. Great way to end the day.

I don't know how she can keep up with the girl. Clara's little hands have to touch, squeeze, pull, push, drop, throw or "punt" everything within reach. Especially my poor little Pika! Poor dog is suffering the "kick the dog" syndrome. I can just get finished telling Clara not to kick the puppy and she'll do it again. How quickly we forget the "TERRIBLE TWOS"! I just hope it doesn't go into the terrible threes or fours!

___________________________

Heather complained that I only write about Aub.............. and she's right. So here's a blurb about H. She recently started a job with Outback Steakhouse. Apparently, Key Bank doesn't like people to make more than two mistakes in a career there so they drop kick you out if you do and she was........drop kicked. She came home night before last with $50.00 dollars in tips. Made $75.00 last night. Great tips, but I'd really like to get her into school. I just don't know how we'd ever pay for it, and our country is in such a great state of being right now, loans and grants are probably very unavailable. We'll see. Anyway, she's pretty free to look for other jobs while slapping steaks down for customers.

____________________________

Today is the much anticipated Sushi day Aub's been waiting for. We plan to make the trek to Colorado Springs to AI.

Happy Valentines Day everyone.

Loving The Babies

2009-02-09T05:30:00.000-08:00

I get to help with baths. Aub takes both kids in with her and I get to get them out an dry them off. I offer lots and lots of powder to their cold little bodies just as I remember my mom doing for me when I was little. Weird. I can remember my mom getting me out of the bath. She would tell me to shake off one foot, put it down on the towel on the floor, shake off the other foot. Then we'd dry me off, wind a towel around my head and apply powder. I can remember going from cold to warm in seconds flat with powder.

Clara asks for some to be put in each tiny hand and then shakes both hands leaving the powder flying in the air, only little of it landing on her body. She's such a doll.

She has the cutest lisp I've ever heard. Aub had one too. So did I. I remember mom working with me to get rid of mine. I won't do that with Clara as I didn't with Aub. They mostly just correct themselves (so I can enjoy it).

When Aub was little she called her fingers "ginners" and I loved it. Then one day she said it right and I found out Nate had corrected her to say it right. I was heart broken about it.

James is soooooooooo heavy! And he has a non-stop smile. I think he's starting to know me. He anticipates getting either tickled or a raspberry to the neck and grins from ear to ear EVERY SINGLE TIME!

He smiles so much the lady at Panera Bread followed us out from behind the counter to find Aubrey just to see him again. She made mention that her kids were grown and that she didn't have much fondness for babies, but couldn't take her eyes off him. Most people go out of their way to talk to him because he offers up his love in the way of smiling at everyone. He is such a good and content baby.

I have pictures and will post them soon.

Welcome Home

2009-01-28T20:10:00.000-08:00

I stood there poised for the picture.......... waiting to see sign of a girl with shoulder length brown hair carrying a baby and a small blonde haired two year old. People kept getting in the way of my shot......."There she is" Nate says and I see my daughter and her two little ones. There they were, coming out of the small hallway that connected them from the plane to me. She had to wait for her car seat and we weren't allowed in the corridor the help her.......believe me...Nate asked! The anxiety was building and I was getting more and more eager to hold those babies. Then my little granddaughter with the blonde hair hanging in her eyes looked towards us.

I holler to her to come see me. She looks with a sort of puzzled stair. Her mommy says...."there's grandma".

I crouch down so I'm at her level and coax her to me. She takes off running as fast as her little legs could run and I grab her up and start to bawl. I kiss her over and over, tears rolling down my cheeks. Then I spy the size of my grandson. He's SO MUCH taller than I was expecting. AND ROUND ALL OVER! Love at first sight.....well, not first sight but all over again.

It took an hour and a half just to get out of the airport. What a happy reunion. I am full of joy.

Claralynne calls out to me now.........."Grandma...." I keep thinking she's talking to the other grandma Jeppson. I have had to tell myself it's me she's referring to almost every time she calls me. And I must admit, it gives me a huge lump in my throat knowing she means ME! What a joy.

One More Day Of Waiting

2009-01-25T07:42:00.000-08:00

One more day before I get to see Aubrey, Claralynne and Jamesy boy! I'm so excited, I don't know how I'll ever get through a days work at the hospital tomorrow! I won't be able to concentrate. Lucky for me it's the "easy" day of just teaching patients about CHF! Or...maybe that will be worse because it won't occupy my mind as hard.

Nate has been deep cleaning and baby-proofing the house while I, on my day off, spent it shopping for toys and clothes for the little ones. My part in this has been much more fun, but should prove just as important for keeping our little 2 1/2 year old busy. That will be a chore-for-shore!

I went to Savers to get some second hand toys figuring I would get a whole lot more bang for the buck and I really came home smiling?

I got some blocks, about three or four dolls, a See and Say that is in excellent condition, and some cute clothes. These toys add to the already purchased toys I got at the consignment store.

I think Clara will be styling. (Oh, and three pair of exercise pants and a scarf for me!)

I plan to read and color with her, twirl and kiss her, and sing songs and make cookies with her. I can't wait.

Oh, and "The Boy"! Well, he will be on my hip for many hours, as well as being squeezed and kissed until he's tuckered out by lovin'.