John Braine++ Stuff, Wotsits, and Thingys

Global E-Commerce fail

2008-08-28T10:26:00.005+01:00

Rant, rave, fume, spit. I am so fucking sick of web sites who say they deliver to Ireland, then don't let you proceed without a valid UK postcode. This is 2008. Sort it out! Don't make me fill out a big bloody form if it is not possible for me to proceed!

While I'm feeling ranty, I'm also sick of the number of things you just can't seem to buy in this poxy country. I seem to spend so much time looking for things that you can buy in any other country. If you have a valid fucking postal code.

Screw you uk.insight.com you're first on the list. Yes I just might make a list.

Somers Town

2008-08-26T09:56:00.004+01:00

Got home last night with no keys, and her indoors wasn't indoors. So that's me off on a me-date, woohoo! Straight down to the cinema for something that 'looks good and starts soon'. Shane Meadow's latest, Somers town is just about to start, score!

Movie over. Ring Ring. Missus still out. Oh no, I'll have to continue the me-date. Straight in to one of those little Chinese places on Parnel street for Pork and Chinese beer. Poor me. Ring Ring. She's back. Doh! So I don't get to end the me-date with a pint and a Crossaire.

Somers town is nice enough. It's about a teenage runaway down from the midlands who befriends a lonely Polish boy. And they both want to get into the knickers of a gorgeous French waitress. It's low-key, low-budget, low-script. It's exactly how you would expect it to be. Doesn't pull the same punches as This is England or Dead Man's Shoes. But it's not trying to. It's a lot quieter and quite funny in places.

Uncanny valley

2008-08-23T08:41:00.010+01:00

There's this theory in robotics called the Uncanny Valley. It's now well acknowledged in computer graphics too. It's when a human character looks and moves almost realistically lifelike yet not quite perfect. And this somethings-not-quite-right can be a bit jarring to watch. So in 3D animation, unless you can depict a human in flawless reality, you shouldn't even bother. Take a step back.

Pixar know this. They can do perfectly realistic landscapes, seascapes, objects, hair etc - but they keep their distance from lifelike humans and instead have fun with caricatures. Many feature length movies have completely flopped because they dared to walk the valley, like Final Fantasy.

Now meet Emily.

The first question is has she climbed out of the valley. And the second one is, what's the point? Why not use real actors? Unless you're talking about actual in-game playing. That could be pretty amazing but I reckon it'd be fad you'd tire of quickly. Of course this technology will most likely be used for some weird-assed porn.

It's a bit like photorealistic paintings? What's the point? I still wow at the technical ability of photorealistic paintings but they're a bit pointless really.

I do enjoy a good dose of twisted hypereality though. Like that Spanish guy who does it all in biros. Juan Franciscoasas, and of course Ron Mueck's sculptures fucking rock. And there's a huge photorealistic painting of an old woman in some gallery in Washington DC that I love - it's made from nothing but thumbprints (and can *not* be found after twenty frigging minutes with Inspector Google).

But when it comes to straight up painting, give me Kandinsky's bubbles, De Chirico's dummies, a fractured nude descending a staircase, or Bacon's twisted torsos any day of the week. Hell even hit me with some Rothko. And what do you mean you could paint that!? Well you didn't! And more to the point, you couldn't. Unless he picked out the colours and mixed them for you but you never even considered that monumental part of the process, did you dipwad!?

Way to go on a tangent AND state the obvious.

Ooh Mavis!

2008-08-17T21:06:00.003+01:00

Overheard at the tail end of a 70th birthday party after much champagne and baileys on ice, a thirty something year old girl attempted a conspiratorial whisper in an effort to impart some new found advice to a new found friend. The resulting shout-whisper cut through an unexpected lull in the party banter:

"Get him to try it up the arse - it's GREAT!"

To which, several elderly ladies nodded sagely. "It is indeed" they reminisced "It is indeed" while the rest of us cascaded into a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewind!

2008-08-08T17:56:00.004+01:00

This is the best thing on youtube. I've given it 5 rewinds in a row.

Big up my selectah!

Eastern Promise. (DVD)

2008-08-08T09:10:00.003+01:00

Eastern promises is a Big bucket of steaming pish from David Kronenburg. I thought Naomi Watts would have known better - but then she doesn’t come off looking too bad working her way around a terrible script as a midwife who pockets the diary of a young Russian girl that dies giving birth. However, Vincent Cassel ( Vinz from La Haine) and Viggo Mortensen (Beardy guy from lord of the rings) are both cast as a couple of Russian Mafia clowns. They’re not supposed to be clowns but their characters are so clichéd and forced that's it's utter cringe. Why couldn’t they have just got some decent but unknown Russian actors?

The relationship between themselves and the old mafia boss is exactly like Pops from the League of Gentlemen (clip below). It was only some of the gorier scenes where Kronenburg shows that he still knows his craft - there was lots of peeking through fingers and listening for the sound of the splurting blood to stop - but he made a balls of the rest. An utter waste of a Friday night where both kids were miraculously fast asleep before dark. Avoid.

The worst day of my life

2008-08-07T10:02:00.004+01:00

I didn't scream. I was in too much pain to expend my energy on a scream. My face was contorted with pain and confusion. I listened out for a snap, the lottery was out on which limb would go first; both my legs and my arms were being bent into angles that would make a contortionist wince. And the pain. It was unbearable. I fought against it as best I could but it was an odd battle; I was completely alone.

Maybe fifteen years have passed since that night. There have actually been a few contenders in the meantime but its still right up there as the worst night of my life. I was ill. It'd been a year of sick certs and all kinds of medication. But those doctors are players of games. They're not really sure what they're doing and the game is pretending they do. I was a guinea pig in jeans. Every dose of meds had a side effect. Some were almost worse than the malady they purported to remedy. One cursed you with blurred vision, stripping you of books and TV, so leaving you with nothing but thoughts, a cruel joke really.

Another pill was supposed to release you from this blurry world but in exchange for this gift you must carry some more baggage; restlessness. I say restlessness, like I say stingy when referring to a bottle of vinegar poured over a gaping gash. It was a sickening restlesness. When you sat you had to stand and when you stood you had to walk and when you walked you wanted to sit again and when you sat again you'd just rock back and forth. You've seen it haven't you? That crazy armchair dance.

They placed another domino on the table, this time an injection, to try and counteract the restlessness. But this one had a side-effect too. They don't tell you that though. They don't want to scare you. As it only happens to rare individuals. I was such a winner. The dominoes were set in motion. I was home alone when the last one fell. I was in the attic which I'd converted to a music making den. My hand was the first to go, it started to bend forward at the wrist and I couldn't bend it back, then my whole arm twisted backward. My other arm had gone around my back and was doing its best to break itself. All my limbs started twisting and contorting. The battle began. I had to use all my strenght to stop my limbs from breaking themselves. It all happened so quickly. I'd collapsed onto the bed in a fight with myself.

After the initial shock, I dragged myself off the bed and somehow got down two flights of stairs, which isn't easy when you're busy trying to break all the bones you use to navigate a stairwell. I'd got to the phone and tried to hold the receiver in the nook of my elbow while dialing 999. I tried to ask for an ambulance but instead roared with pain. The receiver bounced onto the ground then dangled in the air as I collapsed beneath it. I could hear a lady on the other end. She could hear me too but eventually tired of the shouting and hung up.

After maybe ten minutes it began to let up. And then in no time at all the demon left me as quickly as it entered. My oldest (now very estranged) brother (that's another story), who for some reason was back living at home, came in the front door. I told him what had happened. The gears in his head ground to a halt. DOES NOT COMPUTE said eyes and he laughed as if I'd just told him a funny story.

I went back up to the batcave in the attic and tried to gather myself. Then my hand started twisting again. It was almost like it shaped itself into a snake-head, looked at me and said WE'RE BAA-ACK. Knowing what was in the post I didn't waste a second. I shouted IT'S STARTING AGAIN through the square hole in the floor. He ran up the stairs and was faced with the shocking image of Christie Brown's long lost brother writhing around the floor - then he followed instructions that I forced through gritted teeth.

Ten minutes later, the family doctor arrived, and I was never happier to see a large syringe come out of a bag. He performed his exorcism and the release was sweet. The next day, I changed medication again. A month later I decided to stop medication forever. Another month later, I eased myself back into the working world and society at large by assembling mobile phones at a local factory. Since the day I fought myself it's been onwards and upwards. Much better than I could have imagined back then. But when it comes to medication I'm still a skeptical old fucker. Remember kids, always read the label!

Freaky Creatures

2008-07-31T11:37:00.004+01:00

A couple of freaky creatures have popped up in the last couple of days.

This creature was apparently found washed ashore at Montauk:
LOLed over at Irish stu

And this thing was caught trying to escape from the big brother house:
Fully story over at Fat Mammy Cat.

Ray Shah blah blah blah

2008-07-29T10:50:00.003+01:00

There's a little gem doing the rounds on city channel at the moment. Keep an eye out for the Oxegen coverage that's currently on a loop. At one point Ray Shah is interviewing Alphabeat. It goes a little something like this:

Ray Shah: So three of the band members are called Anders. How to you know which is which? Do you say Anders1, Anders2, and Anders3?

Anders1: We use our Surnames.

The little pink elephant

2008-07-28T11:06:00.004+01:00

My second attempt at some claymation...

You need to upgrade your Flash Player

ET + Johnny Five = WALL-E

2008-07-25T10:27:00.001+01:00

ET + Johnny Five = WALL-E, originally uploaded by jbraine.

Big Brother

2008-07-22T12:00:00.001+01:00

Big Brother, originally uploaded by gingerpixel.

Thanks again to Claire for her great work. I love this shot. Was nice to get these done at the relaxed environs of a friend's house. And Anna stopped her crying marathon just in time and completely calmed down. I swear there was no whiskey involved. More over at Gingerpixel:.

Does my bum look big in this video?

2008-07-21T12:39:00.000+01:00

Rocket mask!

2008-07-13T23:17:00.001+01:00

rocket-mask, originally uploaded by jbraine.

Tiger mask? Cool yeah I'll help you cut it out.

Scary monster mask? Great. Where's the string?

Rocket mask? You haven't quite grasped the concept of this mask-making lark have you son?

Confuzzled

2008-07-13T23:04:00.001+01:00

Scissors, originally uploaded by jbraine.

Just what are you supposed to use to get this packet open!?

Really really bored?

2008-07-11T12:27:00.006+01:00

I've added a random blog post button. Over there ->

Son of a preacher man

2008-07-10T10:25:00.004+01:00

What a plank. I'm going to arm myself with one hundred quid and go looking for him. As soon as he starts I'm going to stand up and say "I'll give 100 euro to anyone who can prove they are a bad person by chucking this prick through a window." I really hate these fuckers. Why do they think they have the right to invade our space with their self-righteous and wacky beliefs. They're so fucking arrogant to assume they've found the only true path and have to push it on the rest of us. You can do whatever you want in your own church but keep away from me.

And here's another thing, I often hear people saying that they don't like Richard Dawkins because he's just as preachy as the rest of them. Too fucking right I say. Give these planks a taste of their own medicine.

via ricochet

Mala

2008-07-07T10:09:00.023+01:00

Arrived home on Friday to find that junior had beent treated to some plasticine. And as ever I had more fun with his toys than he did...

Had a quick go at some clay animation too. Always wanted to have a go at that. Dying to get a bit of time to give it a proper go though...

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Darklight / Considine again / Movie waffle

2008-07-03T06:00:00.003+01:00

At the risk of going on about Meadows and Considine a bit too much... (See my Considine, This is England, and Once Upon a Time in the Midlands posts)... here's one more!

I went to the darklight screening of Dead Man's Shoes last weekend. Their was an exciting buzz in the air at the IFI. I don't go to half as much stuff like this as I'd like to. I really enjoy festivals of any kind - yet I think this is the only festival-like event I've managed to get to this year, pathetic. I've seen Dead Man's Shoes a couple of times before but it was great to see it in the IFI with an appreciative audience. There wasn't a single rustle of sweet packets nor any sounds from mobile phones. Paddy Considine was supposed to introduce the film but instead it was announced that he'd do a Q&A afterwards, which was a bit dissapointing as I just knew there'd be wanky drawma students asking wanky drawma questions.

Shane Meadows is a brilliant director and Considine is a brilliant actor. They wrote Dead Man's Shoes together. So naturally its a brilliant movie. Its really funny in places and downright evil in others. Toby Kebbell is also brilliant as Considine's 'spastic brother'. He played Rob Gretton in Control, the same character who Considine played in 24 Hour Party People. There's a bit of trivia for you that's not even on IMDB yet. You read it here first. Breaking news.

I always feel a lot more connected to movies that are a bit closer to home. Grounded in a world that remotely resembles my own. I can't really connect with lots of the American films that people go on about. On a random brain scan, the first two to pop into my head that I saw recently are Blood Diamond and The assasination of Jesse James. Both highly recommended by lots of people but I thought Blood Diamond was Hollywood by numbers. And The Assassination of Jesse James was well boring and about two hours too long. Most of it was filler considering all that happened is in the title. And its tone and pace seemed to aspire to the far superior Unforgiven - but lacking in good content. Actually they're both bad examples to illustrate my point as they wouldn't be relevant to anyone's life really. But the point is that good UK movies set in modern times really strike a chord with me, whereas those set in a world I've no relation to at all, which is nearly every movie in this Must see movies of 2008 list, are usually gone from my memory as soon as the credits roll.

So back to the darklight. I'm not usually much of a fanboy but it was cool seeing Considine in person. Good idea getting him over. There's something very likeable and down to earth about him - and that comes across in most of his films. Even if he was answering wanky questions. Actually, the questions weren't so bad it's just the type of people here who ask questions at something like that. They seem to love the sound of their own voice or something.

The Praying Mantis

2008-07-01T20:41:00.008+01:00

Not sure what this is. It started out as a sketch (yes that thing on the right there) and turned into what I guess you could call a multimedia doodle (need sound).

Please roll over

2008-06-26T10:00:00.003+01:00

So I was looking for a physio in Swords when I came upon www.swordsphysio.ie. I didn't expect to get such immediate instruction. I rolled over - but I didn't feel any better. So I rolled the other way. No good. I better make an appointment.

Baby got back

2008-06-24T11:13:00.004+01:00

I can has your milkz?

2008-06-16T15:03:00.002+01:00

Do you like to chat?

2008-06-15T17:47:00.014+01:00

I have a confession. I'm an avid internet user but I despise chat. Am I alone? I dropped into Facebook a while ago and a chat window popped up. "WASSUP Dude?!" said a guy I used to work with but don't know from Adam. "Gaaaaah!!" said I, in my head like. I wish Faceache had given me some warning so I could have turned off the chat option straight away. Which I did. Right after saying WASSUP!? or something.

Admittedly like many I was briefly addicted to mIRC 12 or so years ago, and ran up some scary dial-up bills. But the insane thrill of chatting to someone from a different country quickly turned into an inane trill. When the giddiness wore off, all that was left was mundane chatter and people slapping each other with trouts, which was then the equivalent of being bitten by a vampire, except back then then you actually typed *Braines slaps VirtualGurl72 with a trout*. (Note: To be properly affiliated with the old school, you have to mention that you used to have to type lots of stuff to produce an action achieved by just clicking a mouse in this modern age). The attraction of slapping someone with a trout made about as much sense then, as virtual vampires do now. I have to admit, the Top Chat Quotes of All Time mostly gleaned from mIRC is well worth a gander now and then for some geek humour.

When ICQ was all the rage, I gave it a whirl but hated it, and uninstalled it quicker than you can say "Oh, I SEEK YOU! I get it!". I briefly tried Instant Messenger some time after, thinking for some reason that it may be less annoying. It's not just that I'm above the inane chatter in my lofty towers of deep thought. It's those windows popping up all over the place when I'm trying to do something else of great importance. A disturbing attempt at doing a comedy sketch for example.

I'll do my best to avoid the usual sexual stereotyping in saying this - but I am actually pretty useless at multitasking - and even more so when I've no control over the amount of windows popping up all over the place. I really don't like lots of little windows. Not sure why. Maybe it was that brief stint in San Quentin. I also fret over chat etiquette much more than is necessary, which in itself is very distracting. "Can I close that window now?", "How long do I have to wait?" "Do I say goodbye first?". Nerve-shattering dilemmas I'm sure you'll all agree.

When Gmail chat came along, I tried again. My list of contacts who were using chat was small enough so all was well with the world. People chatted to me with purpose. When the purpose had been purported, the chat was ended. Neat. But then the chit chatters began to emerge."Yo John, what's the story?"... "Well, I was working but I'll be spending the next ten minutes wondering exactly how soon I can close this window." (Apologies if you actually understand what the word purported means. I only looked it up after I abused it.)

I suppose a part of this is the fact that I'm not that good at chit chat in real life. I love a good old chin wag - and have friends I'll happily listen to for hours. But bored hairdressers fill me with dread. And bumping into a co-worker I barely know on a long commute fills me with utter terror. An hour of small talk!!? I actually shivered just now. I also have a relative who, without fail, starts every conversation with "What's the story?". I'm never sure which story to tell. No - not good at the chit chat.

Myself and the missus have tried turning on chat now and then rather than sharing 40 emails to sort out some domesticalities, and profess our undying love of course. But we both get bombarded with chit chatters and run screaming, vowing never to turn chat on again, ever. It's a bit like vowing never to drink wine then beer (in that order) - but not a fraction of the fun.

And the jury's still out on Twitter. Ok it's not live chat but it can get a bit chatty from what I've seen. Although none of it is directly to me, so that's ok. It's an odd sort of chatter. Like having a pint and listening in on the next table. A happy medium in both senses of the phrase. Maybe. I'm still trying to get into the swing of it.

By the way, I'm not talking about YOU in all of this. No no no. You and I had meaningful conversations. It was all those other guys firing up too many windows with the chit chat.

Anna Braine

2008-06-09T18:49:00.002+01:00

Quick post on phone from hospital. Anna Elizabeth Braine was born today at 4.44pm. Both girls are fine and we're all over the moon. See flickr photo in sidebar.

Update: Some proper photos here:

Some more on Flickr: