Into the Rabbit Hole

Well, that was unexpected . . .

2008-10-10T10:42:00.003-04:00

Last week at my non-stress test, the nurses asked if I was supposed to schedule another one for the following week. I said I didn’t know, but to go ahead and schedule it and I’d cancel if my doc thought it unnecessary. However, my doc thought that we should do it again, "just to be on the safe side." I was a tad surprised since each test is the same - the babe does very, very well, his heart rate always elevates appropriately during periods of movement and I get a lot of "very goods" and "excellents". So, I resigned myself that I’d have to lay there for another half an hour of extreme boredom while I attempted to read at an odd angle and not be too annoyed at the discomfort of laying in one position for all that time. In addition, I was going to have to go it alone this week - the Husband would not be able to arrive until the doctor’s appointment, an hour later. As I lay there on Wednesday, thankful that I had worn pants this time, I had quite a long contraction. A very long contraction. However, I’ve been having fairly long contractions, at irregular intervals, for sometime now. Most memorably, last week on Thursday and Friday when I thought that perhaps "this was it!" until they petered out to a disappointing nothing. The nurse came in and said, "You are having a really long contraction. Are you feeling it?" I said that I was. It didn’t feel great, but it certainly wasn’t the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. And I was using my relaxation techniques, which helped. She poked my belly and said, "Stop that!" Another nurse came in to review the data and said, "Um, that was a very long contraction and your baby’s heart rate has decreased, considerably. We need to do a sonogram, right now." I was then whisked into the sonogram room, with my shoes in my hands, and she fired up the sonogram machine and started looking around. The baby was moving appropriately and his heart rate seemed again, normal. She asked if I was leaking fluid. Now, here’s the thing - I have had some leakage - but I haven’t been sure if it was just, um, urine (yuck) or if it was, in fact, amniotic fluid. I really couldn’t tell - but I tried the old, "lay down for sometime, and then get up - if you feel a rush of fluid, it’s likely amniotic." But that didn’t happen - I had to imagine that I was becoming, shudder, incontinent upon occasion. But just a trickle! And maybe only once or twice. And only with sneezing! Anyway, they then had me wait until the doctor, a fellow, arrived, to discuss what had happened. The Husband then arrived, and I filled him in on the details. The Fellow explained that during the contraction, because it was so long, the oxygen had decreased enough to make it difficult for the baby to breathe, causing him distress, and thus, his heart rate slowed. I didn’t think to ask to what level. I think I may have been too scared to know. The husband asked how long the contraction was and we were told that it lasted seven minutes. She proceeded to tell us that if I were her patient, she would feel that everything was fine now and not too worry - but she had a call out to my doctor. My doctor, who happened to be in labor and delivery, wanted me there, on a fetal heart rate monitor for another hour. It was strange to walk in there without actually being in labor. I also found out that in fact, although we’d been told that we were pre-registered, we were not. Good to know. When they printed out the hospital wrist band , I noted that I was apparently under the care of my RE and told the staff at the desk that he’d likely be pretty surprised that he was delivering me. They weren’t amused. They strapped me in, I read, we joked around with the nursing staff, and I tried not to feel too terrified. My doc came in, read the results and said that it was "textbook perfect" and sent me home. However, he wants me to do another test today. I am pretty sure that if the test wasn’t going well that they would have done a C-section. Right then. Right there. I didn’t think to ask about the after-effects of the decrease in the bambino’s heart rate. Could this have damaged him in some way? Permanently? Brain damage? Heart issues? I was too shell-shocked to ask anything. I was just there - the most compliant patient in the world. It’s amazing what fear does.

Blah Blah Blah

2008-10-07T18:56:00.004-04:00

I know that I should be chomping at the bit and all - since, I don't know, my due date is on Friday, but I'm not. After my sister informed me of the whole two weeks late phenom, I just kind of let go of any anticipation. When my doc told me last week that I was one centimeter dilated and would be surprised if I went beyond my due date, I was excited. And then I thought, "He doesn't know! He hasn't a clue! He's not a magician! People can be dilated 1 cm for weeks! Please!" So, I'm relaxing or "chilaxin'."

People at work are getting quite nervous about the idea of working until I actually go into labor. But I don't really want to sit at home and twiddle my thumbs. Yes, I have stuff to do. But I'd really prefer my time off to be spent with the little guy.

There's a lot of talk at work about what my plans are and how I'm going to get to the hospital, etc. And I wave them off, thinking, you know, it's the first time, I just don't see myself going into rapid labor and giving birth on the floor of my office. I just don't (uh, knock on wood). And when people ask how I plan on getting to the hospital when my water breaks (which apparently doesn't actually happen with that much frequency - it's more likely to be a slow leak) I shrug and say, I don't know, I guess the subway? When they ask if my bags are packed, I say, um, no, I haven't figured out how to pack stuff that I actually need. When someone suggests that I bring an extra skirt with me everyday and pads, I say, that sounds like a good idea, and then proceed to work and forget about it. I know. I must be driving people completely insane. Am I normally like this? Not really. But being huge and tired has made me less, I don't know, uptight, then I was, perhaps even two weeks ago. I'm excited to meet the little guy, but know that he's going to come when he's going to come. If it goes on too long, though, there may be castor oil in my future . . .

Well, I'm off to forget to pack my bag, bring an extra skirt and pads, and instead, continue reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and likely fall asleep.

Two More Weeks or Four?

2008-09-29T22:20:00.003-04:00

Less than two weeks to d-day.

I was just informed by my sister that everyone in the family goes into labor about two weeks AFTER their due date. Now, you'd think that I would be completely upset by this - what with the being as big as a house and all, but actually it made me slightly thrilled because it may mean that I have a little more time to get things done - which means that I won't actually go two weeks late, I'll be in labor tomorrow. Or you know, right now (no, I'm not in labor).

Last Wednesday I talked to my doc about going off of heparin. I'm sure I'm driving him crazy with this back and forth - but he seems pretty convinced that even if it was necessary at one time, I can safely cease using it now. I felt like a selfish jerk for deciding to stop - what if? What if? All because I couldn't take the bruising anymore, or the fear, however slim, of bleeding out if I should happen to have complications during labor. So, I've been free of the twice a day heparin administration since last Wednesday and the bambino seems to not have noticed - he continues to move around in there with much frequency. I have a non-stress test on Wednesday. Hopefully it will show no changes.

When I told the fam about the bambino, around 12 weeks, my sister started bombarding me with "birth plan" talk. What was I doing? What kind of birth did I want? Did I have a birth plan? The thing about dealing with infertility and recurrent miscarriage is that it robs you of the luxury of thinking about birth plans and what kind of birth you want because you can only think about getting through the present - you just can't think about what's happening tomorrow, or the next day, let alone, the birth. I did not really feel comfortable thinking about it until, oh, about two weeks ago. And although she sent me quite a few books on the subject, I stowed them away until recently. I also found her comments at the time to be annoying and a little too out there - or so I thought (she's had four kids all without any drugs - but her births are very, very fast which I'm sure makes a difference). The problem now is that all of this reading has lead me to semi-distrust the medical establishment, when it comes to birth, and specifically, the hospital and the ob/gyn team that I will be working with. Here's the thing - I am with one of the best OB/GYN high-risk groups in the country. I am also at a hospital that has gotten "Best Hospital" for years and years. But they are extremely medical-intervention-happy. They seem to look at birth as a medical emergency and are prepared for any and all complications - which should be a comfort, and in part, it is, but I'm concerned about this "snowball effect" that I keep reading about. Although I realize that complications can and do happen, and certainly hope that that is not the case for us - and will be thankful, obviously, that I am somewhere that can handle complications if they should arise - the "snowball effect" concerns me: your labor isn't "progressing" (meaning you've been laboring in the hospital for, like, six hours ) so they give you Oxytocin, "Pitocin". Now, you're in horrible, horrific pain so throw on that epidural. Now the labor has slowed down and the baby's respirations have slowed as well (due to the drugs), so guess what? Congratulations, you get a C-section! Some theorize that this is a direct result of the very real risk of litigation that OB/GYN's face. Others say that hospitals are also, at least in part, to blame - they want you in and out. When it comes to your child, what kind of risks are you willing to take? If they tell you that your unborn baby's respirations have slowed down, what would you do? Fight it? Not likely. You will be scared out of your mind and likely scream BRING ON THE C-SECTION. Could this have been avoided? Maybe. Maybe not. At my medical-intervention-happy hospital, the minute a laboring woman walks in the door, she is given an IV. An IV! I find this ludicrous - if only because this is NOT a requirement at all hospitals. Furthermore, they administer pitocin routinely after the baby is born to expel the placenta. Although hemorrhaging is one of, if not the highest cause of maternal death (which can happen due to complications with expelling the placenta), the actual risk is very, very slim. And again, this is not a universal requirement. And hey - in general, women actually expel the placenta naturally! And breastfeeding helps. Imagine that. Anyway - I realize that a birth plan is silly in some ways - I have to be prepared for anything happening, including a c-section or pain medications or other things that I don't think I want. I do realize that. And I have no issue with someone knowing that they want an epidural, either. It's just something I would rather avoid. I am having an open mind - I've never been through labor before, so who knows how I will react? And the important thing, really, is the Kid and his welfare. This is really a very short period of time and meeting my son and taking care of him is what really matters.

Starting to Believe . . .

2008-09-10T12:06:00.003-04:00

There are still moments when I find all of this, well, shocking, amazing, unbelievable. I wasn't able to read books on birth or child care until, well, very, very recently - which makes things a little daunting as I try to read as many books as possible in these last few weeks. Not to mention trying to absorb the information.

We had our child care class last night. While the husband looked on lovingly at his swaddled fake baby (his swaddling is much better than mine, by the way, who knew?) - I couldn't help but to feel . . . overwhelmed, scared, unprepared. Bathing seems entirely frightening. The amount of clothes to dress them in? And SIDS. Just her mentioning SIDS practically had me running from the room sobbing (I am pregnant, donchaknow).

Then there are moments like these . . . when I go to the Stirrup Queen website and see that my blog has moved on the blogroll from "Pregnancy Loss" to "Pregnancy After Infertility or Loss" and I'm just, again, so incredibly shocked . . . and thrilled . . . and in disbelief, that this is really happening. It's really quite extraordinary. The husband always believed . . . I cannot say that I was always in that same mind set.

I have a feeling I'm going to still feel shock and disbelief (and elation!) for a very long time to come.

Uh, WHAT?

2008-09-07T13:19:00.004-04:00

I have less than five weeks left. LESS THAN FIVE WEEKS. This is mind boggling. Truly. And we have so much yet to do. We've decided to stay in our 1 bedroom apartment for the first few months, keeping the bambino in our bedroom with us and then moving to a bigger place. Renting or buying is still up in the air. It's been kind of a run down memory lane for both of us as we try to make more space and wade through all of our junk. I think it's making us both feel nostalgic and anxious (we have so much junk! SO MUCH JUNK that we can't seem to part with!). I brought out the old junior high year books - and eee gads - those were some frightening years, for the both of us. I have to say, preemptively, sorry kid, it's likely genetic.

I was feeling pretty good about myself, I found a glider and ottoman in excellent shape for $80. It's listed at $800 retail. $800!!!! Then I made the realization, today, that the bellini changing table top I purchased in order to save space (attaches to any dresser) was NOT the best purchase in the world when I could have simply purchased a changing table cushion for anywhere from $25 - $50 and called it a day. If I keep the bellini (I purchased it used - I'd have to resell it), I still have to purchase a pad, too. Ugh.

Nothing else new to report - except that last time I saw the doc, the Kid's head was in the downward position - which I was thrilled with - but also kind of knew, since my ability to walk has completely altered in the last week or so. It's waddling time, baby!

Just an Observation

2008-08-20T10:16:00.003-04:00

Apparently, according to Amazon, customers who bought a knitting book for babies (clarification: when I say "knitting book for babies" I don't actually mean the book was designed for gifted babies who can already knit, but presumably, for their adults), also bought Sports Illustrated Swimsuit: The Complete Portfolio. Huh.

It Never Leaves You

2008-08-05T10:53:00.003-04:00

I've begun knitting a hat for the Kid and because I've decided that I am now the world's most experienced knitter and can handle something more advanced, I've started searching around for some punk/crazy/cool knitting patterns for babies. I was directed to one blogger's site and as I read her most recent entry, I slowly began to realize that she's just suffered a miscarriage. The pain . . . I'm not sure that it ever truly leaves you. You may think about it less often, less obsessively perhaps, but it is always there. It is always painful. She's a beautiful writer and I am so very sorry for her loss. Read her story here.

Stopping Lovenox

2008-07-31T13:07:00.004-04:00

As someone who has the potential for a clotting disorder but who has had no actual outward signs of a clotting disorder, except for four miscarriages, the lovenox/heparin was administered to give me some peace of mind and because I continued to insist upon it. Over the course of this pregnancy and before, I'd read that most physicians stop the lovenox/heparin at around 36 weeks. When I asked my doc about this yesterday - he said between 34 to 36 weeks was fine. The Husband then asked how will we know if there's a problem and the doc said that essentially, we won't. But he also said the likelihood of there being a problem is very, very remote. This unfortunately gives me little assurance because, hey, you know, this is my kid! Today, unfortunately, I started in on doctor google and found out that most people were switched from lovenox to heparin at around 36 weeks because the effects of the heparin can be stopped easily via medication. In other words, if I had to have a c-section or an epidural, there would be little to no concern that I would bleed out if I switched back to heparin. Again, I was of the mind that I had to stop it completely. If you've had experience with heparin/lovenox during pregnancy what did you do? I'm very concerned about what this could mean if I cease taking it - but recognize that it could have no effect at all.

I Knew This Was Coming Soon

2008-07-28T16:11:00.004-04:00

I just had someone at work ask me when I was due. When I told him, his eyes bugged out and he made a few utterances about how far away that seemed. Not realizing, at all, what I was walking into, and frankly being impressed that it seemed long to him versus those who are constantly telling me I have no time left, I told him that it seems long for me, too. And THEN he said, "I mean, it's just that you are so HUGE." Wow. Anyone want to represent me after I give this guy a knuckle sandwich?

The Baby Sugars

2008-07-24T21:34:00.005-04:00

So, we attended our first birthing class. And I'm so glad that I signed up for it. The instructor seems super savvy, funny and no-nonsense. She also has a pretty impressive background. We were instructed to go around the room and introduce ourselves, give three personal facts and mention an issue we'd like to see addressed during the course. In general, I find talking about myself, even for a minute, excruciating (I turn bright red when my boss even mentions that I'm pregnant - weird, yes. Explainable? No.). After my quick, quick intro, wherein I restrained myself from saying that my big concern was finding out how I could pay someone else to go through the birthing process for me, it was The Husband's turn. The Husband indicated that he wanted to understand everything about the process so that he could remain calm. The next guy to speak said, "Unlike The Husband over there, this is about HER and I want to do what I can to make HER calm, it's not about ME." Wow. What a douche. I don't think The Husband meant he wanted to remain calm so he could stay down in the lounge and read, but, uh, OK. Anyway, there was an extremely adorable pregnant there who said that she was just diagnosed with gestational diabetes and was extremely fearful of needles and of having an overly large baby. I know that it is manageable, but when you read about what can occur to your child if you have it, it is a very scary thing. This pregnant seemed so fragile and so scared. The instructor did say that it's become much more common and it's much more easily managed than in years past, which I hope was a comfort. I wanted to get a chance to talk to her a little bit about the needle thing, but there wasn't time. I too have had a bit of an issue with needles - but the Lovenox thing has become so routine that it almost bores me. I find it annoying because I am sick of doing it, not because I am so incredibly fearful of the pain (not, mind you, that I embrace the pain - sometimes it hurts, sometimes it doesn't - I'd rather, of course, that it never hurt). And a few times, when I've pushed around on my stomach to find an area free from tenderness, The Kid has pushed back. How wild is that?

Oh, and I got the call this afternoon: gestational diabetes? Negative.

Huzzah.

I Vant to Drink Your Blood

2008-07-20T08:45:00.007-04:00

To say that I become a tad stressed at the prospect of getting blood drawn is something of an understatement. After years of having people dig in my arms repeatedly only to have not even the tiniest amount of blood trickle out, I'm a little, um, anxious about it. So, I was a tad concerned, shall we say, about Friday's four blood draws. I was not all that concerned about the no eating or drinking after midnight mandate, however (and I was wrong about that one, oh, so wrong). The husband and I took a wonderful indulgence to get there (cab) with my unopened heating pad under my arm (I'd read that heat can help!) and I sat, unable to read, until I could see the phlebotomist. Needless to say, the phlebotomist laughed at my heating pad. And, she was fantastic. She did not have to do multiple pokes each time - she got it on the first draw. And she told me that I wasn't a difficult draw - but that other "phlebotomists" may be, essentially, idiots. Nice. It was also met with some amusement by the husband when I was brought to the front of the line each hour on the hour because the timing was essential for the test. I really thought there might be a throw down. People don't, apparently, like it when others are moved to the front of the line for blood draws. Personally, I could care less - I can put it off a few more minutes? Sounds great. One woman started to throw a little fit about it (her husband was having the blood drawn) and the calm, cool, collected phlebotomist explained that my test was timed and her husband would just have to wait. The funny thing is that it didn't appear that any of these people had actually been waiting all that long - they just did not like someone cutting in front of them. What I did not expect, however, was the cold sweat I developed while waiting for our lunch at a great place called Good Health. I felt, wretched. Not eating or drinking for hours, having a fasting blood draw, consuming a repulsive cola flavored "drink" and then having blood drawn every hour on the hour, apparently can render one a tad ill. I felt more normal after eating but WOW, yuck. Anyway, I'm really, really, really hoping that I do not have this. It makes me quite worried about the bambino, who, by the way, has started moving around in there something fierce. I've told a few people how at times, his movements feel so weird, so odd, that I have to get up and move around in the hopes that they will cease. Most people look at me like I've lost my mind - you know, wow, this one isn't very maternal, is she? But sometimes the movement is so bizarre that it, frankly, weirds me out. But for the most part, I do love it. I love hanging with him. The first time I told someone that sometimes I find his movements a bit unsettling, he barely moved for a very long time. So, lesson learned, watch what you say in front of the kids.

Panic Spiral

2008-07-11T10:35:00.003-04:00

So, I had the gestational diabetes screening test done last week. Yesterday, as I was walking (in a huff, I might add, I was extremely crabby - I barely slept the night before and was overheating) to the Park to hang with the Husband and go for a walk, I noticed that I missed a call while in the subway. The message from the nurse sounded ominous . . . something along the lines of, "We have your blood test results back, it's not an emergency but please call us in the morning." The Husband was dubious, "You don't have gestational diabetes!" As much as I love it when he plays doctor, I did not take his diagnosis as the final say. I was convinced that her tone indicated that I had a positive screen and would need to do the follow-up diagnostic test. Unfortunately, I was correct. I have to go in for the three hour test wherein I fast and then get poked for blood every hour. I've been anxious the whole pregnancy about my weight - I started out so much heavier than normal and have gained about twenty pounds so far. Although that's in the normal range, my goal was to gain twenty-five TOTAL. I can't help but to think that this latest issue is directly related to my weight (and why shouldn't I think that? It's a risk factor). Reading through several websites and my three trillion pregnancy books makes me also realize how serious and dangerous this is for the Kid. I'll be scouring gestational diabetes diet plans for the next week - and upping my exercise, hoping that this will result in negative diagnostic test. And that is all I can say - I'm trying not to go into a panic spiral - but, that's easier said than done.

The Tale of Frankenfoot and Trigger Finger

2008-06-30T10:04:00.003-04:00

Ah, the wonders of the strange going-ons in one’s pregnant body. As I approach the third trimester (HOLY TOLEDO!) I’m having some, um, interesting issues. Occasionally I’ll glance down at my feet and it appears that they have been stolen and replaced by Fred Flinstone’s. They are, shall we say, large, frighteningly large. A little feet elevation and more water usually does the trick - but I am unable to wear about 99% of my shoes. Which is why I became obsessed with Crocs - thinking that those were the answer. I bought a pair of Mary Jane like Crocs (my husband banned me from looking at the traditional style) that I wore around work for awhile - but I began to feel ridiculous (Does everyone know that I am wearing plastic garden shoes right now? With a suit? Did she just look at me weirdly? She’s wondering why I’m wearing these to work! I just know it.) So I moved onto a larger, wide size shoe from a cheapy shoe store instead. I occasionally grow out of those, too. I finally broke down and bought some super expensive, super comfy flip flops which work most of the time. In addition to Frankenfoot, I now spend my nights with a wrist splint strapped tightly to my right hand because my fingers go numb constantly throughout the night - and it takes a very, very long time to revive them and occasionally, the numbness returns just after I’m convinced it’s gone. This does not bode well for restful sleep (I did however, recently dream that I professed my love to that actor from Entourage - all while very, very pregnant. Sadly, he did not return the sentiment. Dream-me was quite crushed, and had to walk away in shame). Most recently I awoke with a new issue, the pinky finger on my left hand appears to have come out of joint, but doesn’t remain that way after I’ve gotten up and waddled around the apartment for a spell. The first time I found it quite disturbing. I’ve since learned (courtesy of “Doctor Google) that it’s called, “Trigger Finger” and may be pregnancy related (apparently not only do my feet swell, but my tendons swell as well (and nerves compress) - hence, the trigger issue and the numbness - which may be pregnancy-related carpal tunnel). Now I wear a wrist splint and a finger brace. I know! Sexy! When I told me doc all of my recent woes, he said, “Yep, and it’s just going to get worse.” Grand. The good news is, however, supposedly this will all go away once the babe makes his grand entrance.

On the other hand, I’m actually beginning to see my BELLY MOVE when the baby does. It’s amazing. I thoroughly enjoy knowing his routine - he’s super busy in the mornings (I think he might be constructing a house, or maybe playing cards in there) and then he’s super busy again around 8 PM. Although I realize he's likely following my routine (sleeping when I'm busy, busy when I'm not) I enjoy thinking that he's a morning person, like his father.

Thank you all for your great suggestions on names - several of those names lost their favor once we tried them out with the Husband's last name. Although he denies it, he has a very difficult last name to work with. A lot of names rhyme with his last name - and not in a good way. However, we will be hyphenating the bambino’s last name (shocking! Call the national guard! How could we! It’ll be SO long! How will he survive?) so that could soften the blow somewhat, but it’s unlikely. Still, though, the Husband is set on a name, and has even begun calling him that name - while I’m still on the fence about it.

I’m very, very excited to have the third trimester near - it’s truly amazing. I’m constantly amazed. And although I complain about my most recent issues, they are really so very minor. And so very worth it.

How to Make a Pregnant Woman Cry

2008-06-15T21:34:00.003-04:00

1. Be iTunes
2. Decide to "sync" iPod for no apparent reason
3. Erase 90% of music from said iPod
4. Make sure that music you erase was not previously burned to disc (someone in this scenario is a dumb ass, and it's not iTunes)

The Name Game

2008-06-11T09:31:00.002-04:00

I had my reservations about starting this - somehow the idea of considering a name that people in the blogosphere suggest seems to cheapen the whole idea about naming your kid. I even posted something - and then withdrew it. But I am at a loss. There are several names that we like - and it's important to me that the middle name is a family name or means something fairly significant to us - but the first name? I want something solid that says "Good, upstanding citizen." The problem is - most of the names that I have chosen or we have chosen are a little fancy pants. And that worries me. Also, nothing is speaking to me yet as "his name." Almost, maybe, but I'm still unsure. So, what the hell, hit me with your best shot - if you are willing to give up a favorite boy name, I'm curious to hear it. Or read it. Whatever the case may be. Also, we're desperately trying to steer clear of uber popular, trendy names. So no to Noah (although I love that name) or Mason. One of our top five, happens to be a popular name. But, well . . . we're not perfect.

P.S. - if fancy pants names float your boat - I'm interested in those, too!

Good Nutrition

2008-06-05T13:26:00.003-04:00

I recently read a post on one of my favorite blogs regarding nutrition during pregnancy. I understand that his wife miscarried several times before this pregnancy. As the one who does the bulk (?) of the cooking, he is trying to achieve a nutritionally balanced diet for his wife while she is pregnant. So, they consulted a nutritionist. And while said nutritionist may not have had a TV (horrors!) it appears that she gave some pretty sound advice - try to eat more whole foods versus foods with additives. Try to eat more fruits and vegetables. What I don't get, however, are the comments. Many of the people who commented seem to equate trying to eat well, or at least her advice, as despicable. Why? I find this so incredibly strange. I am trying to eat well during my pregnancy and I am far from perfect in my attempts - but I would never fault someone else for trying to eat well. And although I complained about people exercising and climbing mountains during their pregnancies - it's only because I was so sad that I wasn't able to continue to exercise during the early part of this pregnancy. I happen to enjoy exercising. I had dreams of running throughout my pregnancy. I know that may seem crazy - but running is really one of my most favorite things to do. And no, I'm not thrilled that I am as big as a house - but I am also trying to ignore that and think about the kid and his needs. I would think anyone would recognize that eating well during pregnancy can only benefit mother and child. If you want to eat junk food all throughout your pregnancy, that's your prerogative - but why get upset if someone else is trying to eat well? I only have one shot at this - this kid is only in my womb, developing like this, once. This is HIS life, not my life. I'm far from perfect - but the junk I do eat upon occasion (I had my share of Pringles during the first trimester) I try to combat by also eating as many fruits and veggies as I can. And frankly, I feel better when I do.

Now go eat your damn Twinkies.

Does Size Matter?

2008-05-31T23:08:00.005-04:00

Let me begin this by saying that I am incredibly grateful to even BE in this position. And in the scheme of things, as long as this doesn't mean anything other than, perhaps, my own vanity and discomfort, it's really no big shakes. That being said, I'm not quite sure what happened - but one minute I was a little upset because I wasn't really showing - but wasn't entirely fitting into my clothes (bella bands, rubber bands, large pants, rejoice!) and the next minute? Well, I look about nine months pregnant. No, really. I wanted to look pregnant. I felt weird as people continued to act stunned when I revealed how far along I was - I wanted that badge of honor. But hey, the joke is on me. I've become huge. And, have I said, uncomfortable? Huge and uncomfortable. I don't know if it's the fact that I weighed so much more than normal when I started out this time around, the restricted activity for the first four months and/or the 12-15 pounds that I've gained since becoming pregnant - but I am the size of a small planet. And although they tell you that this time of pregnancy is the "honeymoon" trimester where you feel better, have more energy, etc., that's not what's happening here. I'm uncomfortable. I feel like I'm carrying around a bowling ball. My feet are swelling up. And I have heartburn 24/7. Although this isn't really all that bad, I suppose, I'm a tad afraid of what's in store for me as the pregnancy progresses . . . every woman is different and every pregnancy is different, but really? If I look nine months now, WHAT WILL I LOOK LIKE COME OCTOBER? Believe me, I'm thrilled, ultimately with all of it, I feel lucky, I feel grateful, but I also, yes, feel totally uncomfortable. And you? If you jogged three trillion miles a day all while feeling completely wonderful, I really don't want to hear about it . . .

Pink or Blue

2008-05-23T19:45:00.004-04:00

I live with all males. I have two male dogs. One male cat. And the husband, as you've likely guessed, is also male. I have believed throughout this entire pregnancy that I am carrying a boy. Why? I do not know - I just have. I have had a VERY difficult time looking at girl names, in fact, I've actually thought, "Why are we looking at girl names anyway? I know it's a boy." A woman at work, who says that she "knows things, has feelings about things" (and hey, maybe she does) has said repeatedly, that although I am "carrying like it's a boy" she sees girl. I shrug my shoulders and tell her that I feel, however, that it's a boy. I've also bought all boy clothing - despite the fact that I had no definitive proof of the baby's gender. It just seemed wrong to buy anything girlie or neutral - because I just felt like, it's a boy, why buy some lame yellow or white outfit (and anyone who tells you that neutral baby clothes are just as cute as gender specific clothes is completely out to lunch, if you ask me, which you didn't)? My mother's side is all girls, everyone, until my sister came along, has had girls. My sister, defied the odds (although yes, it's totally determined by the male, but whatever) by having three boys and then one girl. When the first boy came along, we stared at him and didn't know quite what to do with him. A boy! What does one do with boy?! When the girl finally came along, we stared at HER and weren't quite sure what to do with her - so used to boys we'd become.

In all this, although you might say things have been "planned" (Clomid, IUI, etc.) it didn't feel that way - everything about my reproductive life in the past three plus years has felt completely, utterly, and absolutely unplanned, in so many ways. So, it was an easy decision for us to want to know the gender. And the husband has been anxiously awaiting the 20 week scan in the hopes that we would find out. I, on the other hand, was mainly concerned that the scan would show no anomalies but was, excited (when I let myself) to know as well. So, when it came time for the 20 week scan, the minute I laid down I said, "We would like to know the sex, if you are able to tell." She did a beautiful job of telling us exactly what she was doing and that each and every measurement was normal. However, the little bugger was in a transverse position, with the head near my right side and the rump near my left. The hands were also in front of the face. This made it nearly impossible to see a clear view of the lips or of the heart. And despite the fact that I tried to jump around, poke at my stomach, drink juice, and lay on my left, the bugger wouldn't budge. So, I have to go back next week for those remaining two measurements. At the very end, she said, "Let's find out if the room will be pink or will it be blue?" She moved the scanner around and at last said, "Boy. It's a boy!" And I yelled, "I KNEW IT!" like a complete lunatic. Later, the husband said, "My son" and we both laughed and carried on with the delight of it all. A son. We're going to have a son. And we couldn't be more thrilled.

MOVEMENT!

2008-05-18T22:51:00.005-04:00

There is really nothing quite like the first time you realize that someone is moving around in there. The doc told me at the last visit that if I hadn't felt it already, I would soon. I thought at that time that I may have - but I wasn't really sure. This week, however, it's been coming on with much more frequency. Something is really happening in there. I'm not sure what he/she is doing, but I'm sure it involves something like calculus. There's a lot of fluttering and occasional tap, tap, tapping. I keep imagining the little guy in there pointing his index finger and jabbing, rhythmically, at the sides of my stomach, which I thought odd. My sister pointed out that it's more like swimming - so one stroke, two strokes, three strokes feels like a jab, jab, jab. When it happens, when I'm say, sitting around with other people, I just want everything to stand still so I can pay as close attention as possible to the happenings inside the womb. It's such a wild, wild and wonderful thing.

The parentals are in town for my birthday (today) and my father's birthday (Friday). It's been a great visit - although occasionally, they drive me completely bat shit. I can't help but think about how this will play out exactly the same way, thirty-six years from now - the husband and I driving our little one bonkers - all the while we look on in confusion. It's sad, really, but possibly inevitable, no?

I'll write more later, but currently I need to hoist myself into bed - I was falling asleep on the new club chair we just bought (yay). This is the first time we've bought a truly nice piece of furniture, in, oh, say, ever - and just think, it will likely be the last, as now, we have to have things that are kid-proof. Grateful? Absof#$(*!%lutely.

Cheers.

The Cape

2008-04-27T19:16:00.005-04:00

We spent the weekend at the Cape. We sat at many restaurants looking through a name book - which was at times daunting and strange. We napped. We ate. We biked (a little). Waiters asked my due date. I talked to a woman in a kitchen store about her jogging stroller. We bought a few baby clothes. And all the while I felt afraid. Afraid to let myself go. I do not know if this is a healthy pregnancy. Still. I do not know. And I am afraid to know. I am afraid of the miscarriage risk, but I am also afraid to know. Once I know, there is no turning back. I have to begin accepting, dealing, moving forward. For now, I can deny.

The rest of the time was spent with the husband reassuring me that, in the end, everything is going to be all right. Sometimes I forget that it's not just me who is going through this - the infertility, the miscarriages, the possibility of our continuing to have problems. This child, whomever this child is, is part of other people's lives too, those who love us. I forget that. I forget that I am not completely alone in this. My sister signed off an e-mail recently with, "I love you and I love the baby." If something is wrong with my child - I will be angry. I will despair. I will blame myself. I already do. But I am not entirely alone. Grief is a lonely business. But supporting and loving this child does not need to be.

To Amnio or Not to Amnio

2008-04-24T13:34:00.010-04:00

Although you may have thought I'd closed the chapter on the whole nuchal scan issue and have been kicking around the city gleefully purchasing new maternity clothes because I have accepted my potential fate, whatever that may be, that's not exactly true. The more I thought about the results of the nuchal scan/blood test (high hCG) the more I thought I should talk to a genetics counselor. Conversations with my sister (long time RN and currently studying to be an NP, but no background in obstetrics - besides having four kids) and searching on-line is probably not the best way to handle potentially devastating news. So, we met with one yesterday. For some reason, I thought that it might alleviate some of my concerns. It did not. I wanted to get as many facts as I could about the risk of amnio, so that I would feel like I made an informed decision not to have one. Also, I wanted to get a better analysis of my results. This is what I learned (according to the counselor):
1) There is no known genetic link to Downs - in other words, just because no one in my family has Downs and no one in the husband's family has Downs, does not mean we have a lower risk of having Downs. The risk is completely about the age of the mother. This surprised me. I have read some studies, briefly, about a potential risk between the MTHFR gene and Downs, but let's ignore that, thank you very much.
2) I will be 36 at the due date - the analysis increased my risk to that of a 37 year old. However, from what I've read, it's more like 38.
3) Although the PAPP-A and the nuchal were considered normal, the hCG was decidedly not. They want the numbers to be around 1. A number above 1 for the hCG and below 1 for PAPP-A gives a higher risk for Downs. My hCG was quite a bit above 1, but again, the PAPP-A was normal. The counselor did say that it was the hCG that placed me into that risk category.
4) When I asked what the analysis would be if you changed my age to 25 or 30 she basically said that wouldn't make any sense because the risk at 25 or 30 is so much lower, therefore, the results would be meaningless - because it's all about the age of the mother.
5) The blood tests in the first trimester are actually more accurate than those given in the second.
6) I still have less than 1% chance of carrying a baby with Downs. However, I could be that one person . . .
7) The national average for "complications" from amnio is 1/400. Complications include, but are not limited to, severe cramping, bleeding, leaking amniotic fluid and miscarriage. I've read that the risk of miscarriage from amnio is 1% - but it's hard to quantify. The hospital does not have their own averages for complications from amnio. I found this highly irritating.
8) Upon learning that the husband is a teacher, she basically went on to say what a cake job teaching is, you know, summers off, etc. This did not sit well with the husband.
9) She seemed to be pushing for the amnio because "the birth is supposed to be happy, and what if they take the baby away suddenly and all the doctors are trying to figure out what's wrong, wouldn't that be horrible?" I found this completely bizarre. Right, because even if I had the amnio and the baby was normal, that means that there is absolutely no possibility that there could be complications. Is it possible that she receives kick backs from each amnio performed? One wonders.
10) She doesn't necessarily think blood tests are great tools because you could just have a concentration of one thing in that particular blood draw. In other words, we could have had the test done fifty more times and my hCG would be normal. On the other hand, they could take the blood 100 times and one time it shows a problem, and there really is a problem.
11) I hate genetics counselors and I'm still not having the amnio.

The End.

********
I should have mentioned that we will be having the 20 week scan and we'll know more then, potentially, and the amnio is still available at that time. Again, though, the risk of a miscarriage from the amnio is still higher than my statistical risk for carrying a child with Downs.

Hello, Maternity Mega-Store!

2008-04-18T09:25:00.004-04:00

Ah, it's an upside down, crazy world when you start thinking these jeans not only look comfortable, but down right kicky!

But am I grateful for this sudden foray into all things elastic and stretchy-paneled? You better believe it.

Moving On . . .

2008-04-12T12:22:00.002-04:00

I'm definitely in a different place than I was a few days ago - I'm more relaxed, less hysterical. I wish I'd never had the test done - I'm not going to do the amnio - although the risk may seem minimal, if I did miscarry - even if it had nothing to do with the amnio, I would never forgive myself.

The test consisted of the nuchal scan, body scan and blood tests. As you know, it's not a diagnostic test, but merely a statistical analysis. The nuchal scan wasn't really the issue - the nuchal scan was normal to high normal. There is a nasal bone. The rest of the scan was completely normal - no abnormalities were detected. The blood work, however, is another story. I was just over normal on one and a little bit just over that for the other (hCG and PAPP-A). What further tipped the scale is my age. Additionally, according to my sister's own analysis, they used to do the nuchal translucency test in the second trimester but found that the nuchal scan was more accurate at 11 - 14 weeks (13 weeks, 6 days). The blood tests, however, are more accurate in the second trimester. She thinks I should have those redone and then also wait for the Level II ultrasound (offered to all my doctor's patients).

I've spent plenty of time on message boards in the last couple of days reading of women who had a higher risk than myself, did the amnio and all is well. Of course, there are those where the amnio confirmed the chromosomal abnormality - but that seems to not be the norm (at least in my reading). However, I'm trying to just accept my fate - and enjoy this pregnancy, enjoy seeing my child grow, whatever lays ahead. I don't have a problem, specifically, with having a child with special needs, it just will take some readjustment. But I am also not so naive as to think that it is an easy life, or the life I dreamed of for my child. Again, you reassess, you readjust, you deal. I also do not have an issue with someone who would choose to terminate their pregnancy - it's just not something at this point in my life I could do. Going through four miscarriages was difficult and I'm not willing to let this one go. I already love this child. Whomever he or she may be.

Thank you for all your comments. They are a comfort.

Nuchal @#()#)( Nuchal

2008-04-09T19:25:00.004-04:00

And there I was getting all caught up in the likely non-existent lead poisoning debacle when I had so much more to be worried about: the nuchal transulcency test results. According to my doc, at my age (the practically teen aged 35), the risk of Downs is slightly elevated, but still low, considering it is at less than one percent (my google research shows 1/400 or .0025). The results of the nuchal test elevated that to slightly higher but still less than one percent (1/161 or .006). I don't want to have an amnio - I'm fearful of the miscarriage risk (although small). And I also know that at less than 1%, it's still likely (one hopes, one hopes) that things are fine. However, I'm worried that you will read this and think, "Oh, no, that is bad. I've never heard of such a high risk!" I'm worried that maybe I should have an amnio - even though I've been against it since day one. I've been reading a few other blogs who had nuchal scares - and their statics were somewhere in the 1/250 range. Shudder.

The doc seemed mellow about it, however. He indicated that some people probably would have an amnio with my results - but when pressed, said that he himself, if it were him, probably would not (the mental picture of him pregnant, was amusing). He also said I should keep in mind that he's just not the overly anxious type and he's had patients with a 1/5 chance of Downs who, in the end, did not have a Downs baby.

One minute I'm fine and sure all is well, and the next minute, well, I'm crying while trying to puncture myself with a needle filled with heparin.

Ah, onwards and upwards, dear ones. I suppose only time will tell.

Lead Paint

2008-04-07T08:43:00.002-04:00

So, I have something new to obsess and panic about - lead paint. Yay me! I was in a "home" this weekend for about five minutes that has some serious lead paint problems. I was in another home a couple of weeks ago, also with a lead paint problem. We're very casually looking at places to buy and occasionally I come across a "fixer-upper" and then proceed to force my husband to go take a look. Of course, every time we go we shout, "Oh my gawd! This place is a nightmare" and run screaming down the street. We are in and out very fast, considering. At any rate, I've been reading a little about lead paint exposure and came across this, "No level of lead exposure can be considered safe." I'm completely freaking out that I've caused brain damage to my unborn child by looking at some horrifically decrepit "homes" that are in serious need of repair (but the asking price is so REASONABLE, cough, cough). What do you think? Don't mince words, seriously. I may even ask my doc to test me for lead paint exposure. Am I losing it or do I have reason to be concerned?