Shirley Heezgay!

Through?

2008-08-07T13:06:00.000-04:00

Is that enough?
I think it's over
See, everything has changed
And all this hatred may just make me strong enough
To walk away

They may chase me to the ends of the earth
But I've got you babe
And they may strip me of the things that I've worked for
But I've had my say

So hear me now
I've enough of these chains
I know they're of my making
No one else to blame for where I stand today
I've no memory of truth
But suddenly the audience is so cruel
So God, hey God you know why I'm through

Through

I guess it's tough, I guess I'm older
And everything must change
But all this cruelty and money instead of love
People, have we no shame?

They may chase me to the ends of the earth
But I've got you babe
And they may take away the things that I've worked for
But you'll pull me through

It's so clear to me now
I've enough of these chains
Life is there for the taking
What kind of fool would remain in this cheap gilded cage
I've no memory of truth
But suddenly the audience is so cruel
Oh God, I'm sorry

I think I'm through
I think I'm through
I think I'm, I know I'm...

~ 'through' ~ g. michael

When Did This Happen?

2008-08-06T01:20:00.002-04:00

Do you recognize this sexy inked up man? I didn't at all. When I found out who it was, my jaw bounced off of my belly.

It's John Mayer. He seems to have transformed his body into a Wonderland.

Ass Wednesday

2008-08-06T01:06:00.002-04:00

I Understand Completely

2008-08-06T01:05:00.000-04:00

Double Take

2008-08-06T01:04:00.003-04:00

Is it just me, or is this a little weird?

Somebody is ripping somebody off. I'm going to say the fallen princess has dipped into The Queen's pool.

Just. Weird.

Cleanin' House Pt. 2

2008-08-06T00:13:00.005-04:00

Whilst cleaning up, I found an odd newspaper clipping tucked under the mattress in my computer (just go with me, here). It took me some time but it all came clear to me quite quickly.

click to enlargerize

I guess J*O*E* wasn't kidding when he said he only had about 12.5 Irish in him. Clearly, he meant inches, not percentage. This also explains the affinity for bad makeup and dresses.

Cleanin' House

2008-08-05T23:12:00.008-04:00

Hey, kids.

I've been fortunate to have the last two days off to relax since coming home from the hot hot heat of Arizona.

Besides the conference, I did get to meet Alexander of VoenixRising. Such a shy, lovely chap. And a bit pervy, but we like that, don't we? Head over to his place to read up on our meeting.

I'd write more about it, but I've been so busy cleaning house that every second is crucial.

I've been Pledging, Windexing, vacuuming, and scrubbing floors. And that's just around the blog (just kiddin', J*O*E*). Actually, J*O*E* inspired a lot of new ideas and since she thinks that this place is a total rip off of her blog, then I may as well take advantage of it.

Truth be told, I was needing some new inspiration and our Miss Joe gave it to me. Oh, and he gave it to me but good (I'm really not a power bottom). The rebuild is going to take some time, but like any good architect (?), the right design can stand the test of time. The Hubba Hubba is coming back, and I think I'm keeping Shirl's Girls...I'm just gonna mix it up a bit.

As you can see, I've put up a grey felt background, which is temporary. Trust, if there was a way for me to do all this at once, I would.

In the meantime, Joe, in his haste to vacate the premises, left some stuff behind. I snapped a pic before throwing most of it in the fireplace.

click to enlargerize

double scrotum elastic truss belt
lice/crab comb
syringes filled with Botox and Restylane
stack of Mariah Carey CD's
crumpled up love letters and love songs (I can't tell you who they were about)
homemade hair scrunchies (and I don't want to know why)
dirty underwears
some used condoms
almost empty tube of Condylox Gel
a Hilroy binder with devotions of love to Christopher Ciccone painted in Liquid Paper

I'll be sending back the binder, cd's and syringes (but I'm keeping some) since they cost money and/or carry sentimental value. Everything else is burning as we speak. I didn't want to risk the parcel getting flagged by the USPS.

...I'd Like To Thank God

2008-08-05T04:22:00.009-04:00

Okay, not God, so much as a certain (BARELY)Irish (MOSTLY)Sicilian in upstate New York.

I think J*O*E* did a great job blogsitting while I was away at a CONFERENCE, not rehab.

While I had almost no access to a computer during my absence, I did get a whiff of what had been going on and, of course, once I got home, I spent quite some time reviewing his posts.

They were very J*O*E* x 100, especially the anal warts and fissures. Not my idea of an Ass Wednesday, but to each his own. While I may not have posted them (or have been so verbally abusive) it was keeping y'all coming, so thanks. Art is subjective, after all, which is exactly why I asked Ms. Thing to grab hold of the reins. I didn't think she would act out all her blogger fantasies, but there you go.

I'd like to thank my company for putting me up in a great hotel, The Westin Kierland in Scottsdale:
NOT Promises in Malibu:

I'd like to also thank all of you who kept coming back. Some of you might've been a smidge mean to Joe-safina, but to that I say, "even negative P.R. is good P.R." However, I may not be able to protect you from the sting of a Scorpion.

Sidebar: has anyone ever actually received a Xmas card from J*O*E*? Just wondering.

Anyway, I thought I might sum up some thoughts about the last few days in a one-of-these-things-is-not-like-the-other.

Here goes....one of us:

never received so many "caption this" submissions.
pretends to be fat and, therefore, bitter.
ever inspired Poodle to submit any comments to posts.
is not at all Sicilian, but is half Irish.
is an attention whore, while the other is just a hog.
would never have the guts to post visuals of nasty, out of control STD's.
is a cockhungry, power bottom, and the other is projecting.
is in love with J*O*E* while the other just likes him a lot.
is an unamerican nonamerican, and the other is just unamerican.
is going to the new LV flagship.
likes bright colours and distracting .gif files.
is a genius.

Thanks again, J*O*E*!

EXCLUSIVE!!! Q & A With CAZWELL!

2008-08-05T00:01:00.007-04:00

Okay, kids...

Last week, I told y'all to 'watch this space' and the time has finally come.

While I was away at the ~~clinic rehab~~ conference, I received a special email from my super new Interweb BFF, CAZWELL!

Yes, that's right, sexy hubbahubba Cazwell took some time out of his busy day to answer a few Q's.

*Favourite club(s) to perform or hang at?

family on saturday night. 40 ave c

*Who or what is currently turning you on (musically)?
Santogold

*Is club culture alive and well or does it need a B12?
its alive and well in london. its gettin better in in nyc but could use a lil push

*You have collaborated with many influential aritsts and personalities. Who are you wanting to work with next?
madonna keeps bugging me. im not picking up the phone when i see her on my caller id.

*Your collaboration with Colton Ford on That's Me received a lot of attention and great reviews. How was it working with him?
just fine.

*When is your next project dropping?

just yesterday. the single " i seen beyonce at burgerking"

*You've said that you don't like being labelled a "gay rapper," and yet the tag persists...what's it gonna take to shake it?
i'll probably have to kill miley cyrus

*Did you know that Toronto's gay radio station (Proud FM 103.9) has you in pretty regular rotation with All Over Your Face? In fact, they played it about an hour ago.
yup i knew that.

*Fans can be a little over the top and get a little excited...have you ever felt someone went too far?
they dont go far enough. i want more underwear thrown at me.
*Fill in the blank: Cazwell likes a man that is ___.
not living with me.

*How was Pride '08 for you? Any highlights?
my show got a bomb threat in dublin.

*Highlight of your day TODAY?
i bought drano for the clog in my tub.

*Is there a phrase or word you think you overuse?
exhausticated

*Who or what gets your ire up these days?
this 21 year old mixed with freckles boy named johnny.

*What about you would surprise the people that know you?
my mom is a famous contortionist from Poland.

*If you could, would you change anything about yourself...?
yes.

*Did you really get your socks on 14th street?
yes.

I know, right!? Special thanks to Cazwell, who has a standing invitation to come over for cocktails the next time he's in Toronto.

But ya gotta call first.

cherry jubilee

2008-08-04T23:28:00.005-04:00

i'd like to put a cherry on top of this great guest-hosting gig.

sadly, this cherry is on the bottom....MY bottom.

and it says "kiss my ass" if you didn't like my skillz. gee, now let's see what clever "cherry" and "ass" jokes your readers can make! a wise old woman once said "i heard it all before, i heard it all before, i heard it all before...."

and....i'm out.

with love, joe*to*hell

Rehab Redux

2008-08-04T15:27:00.009-04:00

J*O*E*safina said I went to rehab
I said no, J*O*E*, no.
Yes I got fat, but when I come back
They'll know, know, know.

I ain’t got the time
And if my Poodle thinks I'm fine
I'd never ever go to rehab!
I won't go, go, go.

I’d rather be at home, okay?
I only been gone for 3 days!
Cos it's hot there, hotter than hell

in Phoenix,
Far too hot for Shirley Heezgay!

And I don't take it in the ass!
I'ma make J*O*E* drink some broken glass!

J*O*E* said I took my ass to rehab
I said no, J*O*E*, no.
Yes I got fat, but when I come back
They'll know, know, know.

I ain’t got the time
And if my Poodle thinks I'm fine
I'd never ever go to rehab
I won't go, go, go.

Poodle said, why he sayin' you there?
I said, I got one idea
I'm gonna, im gonna tell everybody
J*O*E*'s got some irrational fears

I said, I just think J*O*E*'s depressed
Kiss my ass, baby.
And go rest.

J*O*E* said I took my ass to rehab
I said no, J*O*E*, no.
Yes I got fat, but when I get back
They'll know, know, know.

I don’t ever wanna leave again
I just, ooo, I just need a drink.
Now I'm gonna spend 10 weeks
Just to get this blog back on the mend

The backgrounds hurt our eyes,
They don't know the truth from lies.

J*O*E* said I took my ass to rehab
I said no, J*O*E*, no.
Yes I got fat, but when I come back
They'll know, know, know.

I'ma take this time
to say I think J*O*E* did just fine!
But, I'd never ever go to rehab!
HELL NO, NO, NO.

What The FUCK...

2008-08-04T15:19:00.003-04:00

....is going on around here!?

caption this

2008-08-03T17:49:00.002-04:00

shirley loves a good "caption this"

so, go for it.

with love, joe*to*hell

contest

2008-08-03T17:23:00.004-04:00

can anyone tell me what this is? there will be BIG prizes if you can:
1) diagnose the disorder, and
2) identify the anatomical part.

it's all in good fun and disease prevention. you will thank me later!

don't worry - shirl will be back soon. i am sure you are counting the minutes til she can regale with stories of how america sucks from the canadian point of view, and how gay youth have it rough in the soviet block or how the neighbors blocked the trash pickup or something mundane from her life.

actually, when that happens, you will miss me. i know it.

with love, joe*to*hell

for fun

2008-08-03T17:19:00.002-04:00

from an anal opening to a national disaster - oops - treasure. i give it all here!

this photo just....well, you can never see it enough. one wonders what the real story is.

with love, joe*to*hell

shirley's helpful hints

2008-08-03T13:08:00.006-04:00

i thought this - as graphic as it is - should be seen.

from what i know, anal fissures are an issue in the world, especially for power bottoms like shirley. for those not in the know:

Anal Fissure:
An anal fissure is an unnatural crack or tear in the anus, usually extending from the anal opening and the midline of the anus

this is the treatment for it:

please take care of yourselves down there.....please.

with love, joe*to*hell

shirley vuitton

2008-08-02T23:09:00.003-04:00

shirley and i have a few things in common. first of all, we are both madly in love with me.

second of all, we love ourselves some louis vuitton. what bitch doesn't???

this is why i knew miss shirl would want you to see this hot off the presses (AKA the internet). it's the design for the new louis vuitton flagship (or in this case, FAGSHIP) store in tokyo.

I
CAN
NOT
WAIT
TO
GO

shirl, will poodle buy me some damier?

anyone who knows anything about louis vuitton these days knows that it is THE brand of shopping bag to be seen carrying for all the cool japanese girls in major cities. in nyc, soho would not be the same without little japs running around with their bound feet and packages from louis. now, these bitches can shop til they drop right their in their own homeland! stay home, hobags!

with love, joe*to*hell

for poodle

2008-08-02T09:01:00.001-04:00

for me, food is religion. when i eat, i see the face of god. that's why i love this photo. i like to call it "the last breakfast".

mrs. butterworth as jesus!!!!! personally, i prefer auntie 'mima (playing second fiddle here) but mister poodle likes mizz 'werf. i love how the drunk leprechaun and his lucky charms are wayyyyy down the table, next to the trix rabbit.

goddang that makes me want some flapjacks (and no, i don't mean helen mirren's breasts).

sticky and sweet!

words fail me

2008-08-01T23:08:00.001-04:00

with love, joe*to*hell

dude, where's my brain?

2008-08-01T22:57:00.004-04:00

i know a thing or two about tattooes. i have a few myself. and i appreciate a fine piece of inked-up man meat.

however, there comes a time when you can overdo it.

this idiot here has done just that. i see a tasmanian devil. i see the puma cougar. i see a scorpion (how unfair to my zodiac sign....) and a whole bunch of other dumb crap.

but mostly i see D U D E. what the hell does anyone want "dude" across their abs for? when he dies, whoever does the autopsy is gonna laugh writing "tattoo of D U D E across middle torso".

in short - he looks like a total ass. shirley would post this and say someting about "awh hell no. why? um, no...it's not working..." - or something along those lines. so there.

with love, joe*to*hell

greetings from rehab

2008-08-01T14:32:00.005-04:00

shirley called. from rehab.

she wanted to say thank you to all of you for the get-well wishes while she is away recovering from the beasts that torment her. girl has a monkey on her back, and by monkey, i don't mean this:

anyway, she wanted you to have this great photo of her as a digital postcard. she hopes you will see she is recovering nicely.

in a pool of vodka.

with love, joe*to*hell

gay gay gay

2008-08-01T14:28:00.001-04:00

this is important to gay history, and i know shirley would want you all to see it.

with love, joe*to*hell

touch my condiment

2008-07-31T17:33:00.000-04:00

someone please....tell her it is KETCHUP and not CATCH-IP. another reason why she is a cow! oh, and the fact she orders chicken mcnuggets and a cheeseburger and fries. and its on tape.

with love, joe*to*hell

shirlesque

2008-07-31T12:57:00.004-04:00

yesterday's lack of comments mean one thing: you don't like me...you reallllllly don't like me.

to that, i say "fuck you", and please comment accordingly. i am a human and i have feelings, so pelase comment and show your support,as i have dedicated my entire week to feeding the rss that is shirley heezgay so that mistress of the blog can go dry out at promises.

anyway, since i always want to do what shirley would do (except shove a zucchini up my ass, go see george michael in concert or name my boyfriend after a fluffy foofy dog), i thought i'd get back to the spirit of this blog.

this seems like something shirley would post:
with love, joe*to*hell

mark your calendar

2008-07-31T12:38:00.004-04:00

for a damn lucky bastard like shirley (i say "lucky" because she is canadian), she sure is loud-mouthed about american politics.

to that, i say "girl, shut it and stick with your queen and all that shit, eh".

shirley even bitches about american idol!

in short, she is the most unamerican nonamerican ever. which is why i thought she would be thrilled if i posted the trailer for the new oliver stone movie, "W", about the jackass we have for a president.

i!
can!
not!
wait!
to!
see!
this!

with love, joe*to*hell