Prince ShimmerShine Moondreams’ Blogging Adventure

Supporting the London bus drivers

2009-11-16T07:00:00.000-05:00

So the London Transit drivers are on strike today! This is a major inconvenience to a lot of people in the city, however, not for me--unicorns are banned from the bus anyway.

As my regular readers will know, this has caused me much consternation.

I am hoping the bus drivers will relax their rules when the strike is over if I have supported them during the strike. I plan to bring them doughnuts, sing songs for them ("Working Class Hero" by John Lennon of course! And perhaps also "The Rainbow Connection"), and also picket with them!!

Do you know where they are picketing? I cannot find out and none of the drivers will tell me.

Here is the picket sign I have designed.

New swears, inspired by my snuggy!

2009-11-15T21:52:00.006-05:00

Wow so today I got caught in a snuggy* and I couldn't get out!!

*A snuggy is a blanket but your hands are free, so you can still use the phone! I sat on the couch and called so many people.

In particular I called the mayor of London, Ontario a bunch because I wanted to offer my support to the bus drivers who are going on strike. Yes, I support them even though unicorns are banned from their buses!!

So while I was trapped in my snuggy I had a lot of time to think. I was thinking, "What is up with swear words? I find them so distasteful, but yet I do understand the need for strong words sometimes, for example, when I stub my hoof or accidentally burn my angel food cake."

Most swear words are based on bodily functions, such as those relating to your sexuality or your disposal of the food nutrients you no longer need. However, I enjoy both sex and defecation, so truly, shouldn't swear words be about something else?

This is my proposal. I will replace our swears with swears about TRULY terrible things. I propose this to the Human Race and also to other creatures that use swears (particularly leprechauns).

DEAR HUMAN RACE AND OTHER PROFANITY-USERS

Here are some words you should use instead.

Current Swear	New Proposed Swear
D*mn!	Cloudy Day!
Sh*t!	Unsweetened Lemonade!
F*ck!!	I was just turned down for a date!! (Use this even if you have lots of dates, it will make folks feel sorry for you)
C*nt!!!	Basketball!! (seriously this is the worst sport ever so it is an excellent replacement for what many deem the worst swear word)

O my, how exciting!!!

2009-10-30T21:18:00.006-04:00

I have returned!

2009-10-16T08:41:00.003-04:00

First: Snowsnowsnowsnowsnow yay!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wowweeeee you guys, I know you all must have missed me a great deal! Did you worry? Were the rescue squads and the Coast Guard and the Green Berets all called?? (Yes I know they are American but now that President Obama is in charge I am sure he would lend them.)

Anyhow I was under a terrible curse!! I know, how exciting is that? (I will give you a hint: VERY exciting!) My neighbours cursed me and stole my garbage can so I was unable to post. More on that later!

My vacation, day four!

2009-09-18T23:41:00.001-04:00

Well! Yesterday I set my tail on fire. Normally you would think this might be an embarrassing experience, but have you ever seen a unicorn's tail on fire?? It is a beautiful miasma of sparkles and lightening.

Everyone at Grand Bend came rushing out of their houses and their bars to the beach (where I had my bonfire) and they said "Wow, what is this storm of loveliness? Has the apocalypse come? By which we mean the apocalypse of splendour and wonder?"

It also caused a most beautiful pink and orange sunset.

I explained what was happening and then some kind locals suggested that I jump in the lake to put out the fire, so I did. Then we all gathered around the bonfire and sang songs of hope and peace. Also we sang the theme song to The Addams Family because it is catchy and has a part where you snap your fingers! (I clap my hooves together which is almost as good.)

My vacation, day one!

2009-09-15T19:19:00.003-04:00

I am in the beautiful Grand Bend, Ontario this week for a vacation! It has been so much fun thus far, you have no idea!!

Today I went skimboarding at the beach. Skimboarding is when you run along the shore and then you jump onto an incoming wave and SKIM along the surface for a wild ride.

Everyone there was so amazed! "Gosh ShimmerShine," they said, "We have never seen a unicorn skimboarding before!!" Indeed, I told them, that is because I am the first unicorn to custom design my own skimboards!! You can see a photograph of me here:

I have to say, there were a lot of attractive people at the beach who were into me. Since it was my first day here, I decided to be selective and not choose one for a date yet. Might as well think about it for a few days and pick the best one!

But there were two young men who had me very tempted. They looked sort of like Nate and Chuck from Gossip Girl and I could tell they were having a conversation about me on the boardwalk. You can see it here:

Classic books I have never read

2009-09-14T22:40:00.008-04:00

Today I bought a copy of Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte because I have not read this book! However, I knew I had to when I saw the new editions by Harper:

Woweeee how had I not read the book that was Bella and Edward from Twilight's favourite book??? It's amazing how we can have missing pieces in our lives and how fulfilling it is when we discover these.

Some other books I need to read:

	The manual for my refrigerator. I keep freezing my lemonade and melting my butter and I wish I knew how to set it perfectly. (Why is refrigerator spelled without a d but fridge spelled with a d? Will the manual tell me this as well??? If someone could pre-read it for me to let me know if it is worth my while I would appreciate it.)
	The Book of Negroes by Lawrence Hill because perhaps if he sees me reading this my mailman will stop accusing me of being a racist.
	Love You Forever by Robert Munsch because every time I see the cover I think, "What does love and toilets have to do with each other?" but yet I still haven't read it to find out!!!
	The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey because I hadn't even realized they wrote a book about me! How did Mister Covey find out my 7 habits without interviewing me? Also why am I not getting royalties from this book is what I wonder.

Venn Diagram by Request!

2009-09-09T17:59:00.002-04:00

How I Feel About the Days of the Week!!!
In A Handy Venn Diagram

My Favourite Days of the Week

2009-09-08T23:40:00.004-04:00

Tonight I was sitting in the backyard savouring the rain when I thought to myself, "Why am I enjoying this evening so very much?" I thought about it for a moment and then I realized: "Well, of course, it is Tuesday!"

Tuesday is one of my very favourite days. And as I am typing this, it occurs to me: tomorrow is Wednesday!!! And Wednesday is one of my other favourite days!!!

O, some days I truly wish this were a video blog. If it were, you could see me clapping my hooves together in glee and my teeth shining brightly in the moonlight as I smile in appreciation for Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

Now I am thinking to myself, woweee, I love these days so much but what about the other days? Which ones do I love best?? My week might be so much more exciting if I could anticipate my favourite days in advance.

So I will stop typing to you for a moment and I will make a chart! Perhaps a bar graph or a pie chart, I have not yet decided. Hold on for one moment. If you like you might take a moment to make some delightful hot chocolate.

Okay now I am done! I must admit I am quite shocked and amazed by my findings. Here is my chart about my favourite days of the week, as ranked in percentage of how much I enjoy them:

Chart of ShimmerShine's Favourite Days of the Week, As Ranked in Percentage of How Much I Enjoy Them

Dear Smithsonian: Why are your fees so outrageous??

2009-09-07T18:53:00.005-04:00

Excerpted from the unicorn blog:
I find that whilst doing my wedding planning I have severely underestimated my budget (you would be surprised how much costs to borrow the Hope Diamond for a measly eight hours) so I need to get a short-term job. Also, I need a switchblade so that decided the matter: I am going to become a private school teacher.

I had planned to have my shop class make me a custom switchblade, but I know that schools are more violent these days so perhaps I will find a switchblade in the school's Lost and Found (do I want a used switchblade, though? This is a question to consider).

Which grade should I teach? I am thinking grade 10 because I am a "10" in terms of attractiveness!!

Seeking a switchblade

2009-09-06T23:31:00.002-04:00

Excerpted from the unicorn blog:
Since my gun was confiscated by the police upon my arrest, I need another weapon. I've spent several months considering this (several unarmed months, which was very scary!) and I've decided to go with a switchblade.

They are illegal in Canada but I am pretty sure the police will be okay with me having one, since I am a unicorn and the switchblade laws likely only apply to humans, who are far less graceful than unicorns (being ungraceful with a switchblade can cause a lot of trouble! You may stab someone other than your intended victim, which is embarrassing).

I checked Knifezone: Canada's Premier Online Knife Store but alas, switchblades are discontinued. So I am still looking. I have thought about becoming a substitute teacher and then getting a high school shop class to build one for me as a class project. Does anyone know how to forge a teacher's college diploma? If so please reply in the comments.

Unicorn Wedding Planning: GIft Registry Frustration

2009-08-26T22:45:00.004-04:00

Excerpted from the unicorn blog:
Woweeee, I am having a frustrating time this evening!! I had hoped to set up a wedding gift registry so that all of my friends and soon-to-be-friends could begin to think about how many gifts they would like to purchase for my wedding. (I am a very considerate bride!) (Just so you know even though I am a dude I will be the bride because that way I get to wear a veil and have flowers.)

I tried registering with Sears online and it said:

Toutes nos excuses!

En raison d'un probléme passager de nature informatique, nous n'avons pu traiter votre demande de crédit. Veuillez cliquer ici à retourner a la page centrale Sears.

We're sorry!

We could not process your application due to a temporary system problem.Please click here to return to the Sears home page.

Then I tried registering with The Bay and it let me register but then it said:

Please contact a Gift Registry Consultant to add or delete items from your registry.

I do not wish to speak with a sales associate in person. I want to set up my registry online tonight! This is so frustrating. I though I had found the perfect home weightlifting gym for my registry (so my future husband/wife can remain buff and handsome/beautiful) but it will not let me add this to my registry.

I think to cheer myself up I will watch a movie. I will perhaps watch The Elephant Man, which is always good for cheering me up, because I can think: "Well, my life may be difficult but at least I am incredibly handsome!"

Unicorn Wedding Planning: Part 3: The VOWS

2009-08-25T23:13:00.008-04:00

Excerpted from the unicorn blog:
Today I wrote my wedding vows. They are inspired by some of my favourite "Rock and Roll" music and discuss how, before I found love, I was very sad but now that I am getting married I am AWESOME! You can see this progression throughout the vows and my deep love for the male/female that I am marrying.

(I have made the vows gender-neutral because I am bisexual. So if you are particularly attractive and you are reading this, please write me no matter which gender you are!)

My Wedding Vows
by ShimmerShine Moondreams
Unicorn Prince

I see a red door and I want it painted black just like witches at black masses. There must be some kinda way out of here? I don’t need black night!!

Change, it had to come.

Now there is no pain, you are receding. You make me feel like I am whole again. We’re safe from pain in the dream domain!

Red hot mama, velvet charmer, I am smiling next to you. You smile like the sun--kisses for everyone! You’re looking fancy and I like your style. The jig is up, the news is out, you’ve finally found me. I’ve made up my mind and I ain’t wastin’ no more time: I’m shot through the heart and you’re to blame! Nothing equals the splendor: s/he’s got eyes of the bluest skies.

My love will laugh with me before the morning comes. From the houses of the holy, we can watch the white doves go, and all the birds in the trees, well they’ll be singing so happily. I’ll get on my knees and pray: what ever words I say, I will always love you--everlasting life for me in a perfect world. Your dream is over…or has it just begin? Whoa, we’re halfway there--come sail away with me on a stormy sea of moving emotion, take my hand off to never never land!

Unicorn Wedding Planning: Part 2: Religion

2009-08-24T21:05:00.001-04:00

I am still planning my potential future wedding. Today I turned my question to: What religion should my future wedding be??

I realized that I had no idea! While Catholics have the most beautiful cathedrals, I do not appreciate their anti-homosexuality stance, as there is a 50% chance I will marry a member of the male gender.

I dabbled in Satanism once when I was younger and still pull out my pink sparkly Ouija board from time to time, but I am a little worried about the Devil showing up at my wedding and trying to make bargains. (For this reason my wedding will not be at a crossroads.) While I think bargains might be a lot of fun in regular life, they sure can be a downer at weddings.

So I thought, why not take the Beliefnet religion quiz? Here are my results:

1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. New Age (88%)
3. Unitarian Universalism (83%)
4. Scientology (74%)

Clearly my wedding should be mostly Neo-Pagan. I am quite all right with this because I think it will allow for beautiful witchy cloaks made from velvet (perhaps sparkly velvet). Also I will use a lot of crystal chandeliers to show off my New Age-y side! I have no idea what "Unitarian Universalism" is, but I definitely know Scientology and plan to honour this aspect of my spirituality by showing clips from Top Gun, a very romantic movie starring famous Scientologist Tom Cruise!!!

O, I am even more excited about my wedding now. This has been a day of true joy and worthwhile planning. I believe now I will make rock candy from sugar and water, just because I can!!

Unicorn Wedding Planning: Part 1

2009-08-23T19:42:00.010-04:00

Today while watching a romance movie marathon of Pretty Woman, Say Anything, and Top Gun, I thought to myself, "Why do I have so little romance in my life? What has happened to the great Prince ShimmerShine Lothario Don Giovanni de Bergerac Moondreams (which was my nickname in the mid-80s)?"

I realized of course that sometimes searching too hard for romance can actually scare it away. Since I am an ardent feminist, I know that I am a whole person without a mate, and I know that this is the most beautiful thing about me and what will eventually attract my life partner and/or sexual conquests.

So I thought: in the meantime, I will forget about dating! I will get started on something very important: planning my wedding. I have many categories of decisions that I need to make so why not document them in my blog, and have all of my choices ready for when I meet that Special Someone?

Choice #1: What hairstyle should my minister/officiant* have?

This is an important aesthetic question that many brides overlook. I have been pondering it for nearly 45 minutes now. Here are the options:

The Mullet:

The Pompadour:

The Flock of Seagulls:

Bald:

The Shampoo Mohawk:

*Note: Why do I say "minister/officiant"? Because I am not sure which religion my wedding should be yet. Perhaps I will decide that in tomorrow's installment of Unicorn Wedding Planning! I am tempted by Catholicism because they have the longest weddings, but I do feel that Satanism would be most cheeky!!

My household is now toilet paper free

2009-08-17T22:44:00.005-04:00

As many of you know, I am an avid environmental crusader! In fact, if I wore a cape I could perhaps be called the Caped Crusader For The Environment.

Yesterday it was time for my 10:43pm shower and I realized that I also had to urinate. It occured to me: when I am in the shower, I do not get out of it to urinate, because that would be silly and inefficient--I simply urinate in the shower. Then the shower water (or beer on my beer shower days) rinses off my body.

So why am I ever urinating in the toilet?? When I do this, I have to use toilet paper to clean myself. However, when I go in the shower I am cleaned automatically! I have been decimating trees all these years for no reason.

Clearly this has to stop! So today I instituted a new program in which I no longer urinate into the toilet, instead, when I have to go, I take a shower. This way I am doing both at once and saving trees, and therefore preserving the environment!

I have already showered seven times today (I was drinking a lot of Mountain Dew). Just think of how much I have already saved the environment by my actions!!

In addition to writing this on my blog, I will include it in my Scrapbook of Pride. This scrapbook is where I put drawings and notes about how I am proud of myself. I think I will incorporate it right next to the page about the day I prank-called Mel Gibson fifteen times before breakfast.

Tent caterpillar advice sought

2009-08-06T00:23:00.000-04:00

I have tent caterpillars in my beautiful backyard tree. Should I set them on fire??

Stag Bag

2009-08-05T20:13:00.002-04:00

Today it occurred to me that I should probably have a Stag Bag. I am, after all, a stag, and it would be nice to have someplace to keep my stuff that is more awesome than my regular bags.

The Stag Bag is defined as:

The perfect bag for the single guy on the go. Plenty of zipper pockets, a tangle-proof shoulder strap and structured bottom make The Stag Bag great for weekend travel or a day running around the city.

I contemplated this for a while (but not too long--I set an egg timer to be sure) and it was the "tangle-proof shoulder strap" that really made my decision for me. I am very easily frustrated when shoulder straps get tangled in my mane, so this could greatly increase the happiness of my day.

Also I am a little attracted to the model. He is definitely a stag whom I would not mind "bagging".

Although I might like it for one afternoon...

2009-08-02T21:09:00.003-04:00

The other day I saw the fantastic cinematic film Moon! I will not put any spoilers in my review (truth this time I promise) except that I was disappointed that they did not play the song "I don't want to live on the moon."

The story however was very thought-provoking. In it, Sam Rockwell lives on the moon by himself (except for a robot of course) for three years and is potentially going crazy! I feel like I would probably go crazy as well in this situation.

So I was thinking, I should probably plan ahead just in case someone asks me to live on the moon, such as the government (the Canadian government has been getting on my case for a few years now about how they think unicorns should pay taxes. I personally disagree. But I am trying to stay on their good side so if they asked me I might go live on the moon.)

So, if I were to live on the moon what would I take with me?

5 rock albums, including:

Black Sabbath - Paranoia
Led Zeppelin - Physical Graffiti (tee hee this is a double album so I am sort of cheating)
Ryan Adams - Magnolia Mountain (tee hee hee see my comment above! I am so sneaky)
Complete Works of Clara Schumann performed by Susanne Grützmann (O, this one is even more than a double album!! I am getting smarter and smarter as this list goes on)
The entire score of the HMS Pinafore by the esteemed Gilbert & Sullivan

Some other things:

2 pairs of tap shoes
my glass harmonica
my Indiana Jones whip in case I run into any trouble
several cozy afghans
a book on Canadian tax law

I am an idealist and a champion!

2009-07-30T23:01:00.005-04:00

Wowwweeeee why have I never taken the Meyers-Briggs test with Keirsey temperaments before? It is AMAZING! Some days I am so fulfilled and happy to be me!! Today is one of those days.

I have learned so much about myself that I took the test this morning but all day I have just been prancing in the backyard, doing some yoga and picking flowers and meditating about my personality. Every time I think I have figured myself out I discover all sorts of new layers, like an onion peeling away its own skin, but in my metaphor that skin is full of light and sparkles and each layer is more radiant than the last.

I am the gobstopper of self-discovery!

Okay so I know I shouldn't leave you wondering any longer. Here is my personality:

Idealist Portrait of the Champion (ENFP)
Like the other Idealists, Champions are rather rare, say two or three percent of the population, but even more than the others they consider intense emotional experiences as being vital to a full life. Champions have a wide range and variety of emotions, and a great passion for novelty. They see life as an exciting drama, pregnant with possibilities for both good and evil, and they want to experience all the meaningful events and fascinating people in the world. The most outgoing of the Idealists, Champions often can't wait to tell others of their extraordinary experiences. Champions can be tireless in talking with others, like fountains that bubble and splash, spilling over their own words to get it all out. And usually this is not simple storytelling; Champions often speak (or write) in the hope of revealing some truth about human experience, or of motivating others with their powerful convictions. Their strong drive to speak out on issues and events, along with their boundless enthusiasm and natural talent with language, makes them the most vivacious and inspiring of all the types.
Fiercely individualistic, Champions strive toward a kind of personal authenticity, and this intention always to be themselves is usually quite attractive to others. At the same time, Champions have outstanding intuitive powers and can tell what is going on inside of others, reading hidden emotions and giving special significance to words or actions. In fact, Champions are constantly scanning the social environment, and no intriguing character or silent motive is likely to escape their attention. Far more than the other Idealists, Champions are keen and probing observers of the people around them, and are capable of intense concentration on another individual. Their attention is rarely passive or casual. On the contrary, Champions tend to be extra sensitive and alert, always ready for emergencies, always on the lookout for what's possible.
Champions are good with people and usually have a wide range of personal relationships. They are warm and full of energy with their friends. They are likable and at ease with colleagues, and handle their employees or students with great skill. They are good in public and on the telephone, and are so spontaneous and dramatic that others love to be in their company. Champions are positive, exuberant people, and often their confidence in the goodness of life and of human nature makes good things happen.

Also here is a bit about what kind of career I might like. It listed several careers and I was surprised that "harpist" was not among them (since this is my destiny) but I appreciated what they had to say here:

This type of personality wants to experience the whole of life and may change careers more often than many other types. Says Charles, "I've had a number of jobs and when there is nothing left to create, I move to something new. I want my life to be spiced with newness, love, and joy."

Charles is very wise. I wish my life to be spiced with these spices as well.

Where to draw the line?

2009-07-28T23:18:00.004-04:00

There is a pornography film entitled Twitter My Sh*tter.

(The front cover of the DVD is most racy so I have helpfully censored it for my readers. )

I do say, the use of a social networking reference in the title is extremely clever. We "Web 2.0" fans such as myself would be definitely turned on by these references. The witty tagline "This all-anal trip will really tweet your meat! " impresses me a great deal.

However, I do NOT feel it was worth using profanity in the title to accomplish this goal.

Please excuse my abscence from the blog as I have been busy modelling

2009-07-27T20:50:00.006-04:00

You can see the paintings I modelled for here. They were painted by Dan Lacey. I was very very pleased to meet Mister President Obama, of course, since I have been a loyal supporter.

My favourite painting is the one pictured. This one occurred shortly after a rousing game of Connect Four between myself and Mister Joseph Stalin and Obama and Mister Gregory House. (We played in teams because it is a two-player or two-team game.) Mister Stalin and I were victorious so we won some Vicodin!!

We also won a few other things:

A manicure and pedicure for 2
A spot guest-writing an episode of House for next season. Mister Stalin kindly let me have this prize. I think I will do a crossover episode between House and my other favourite show, Supernatural. Doctor Chase and Dean Wincester will have sexual relations!
Several red apples and one green one (we are going to make pie)
A children's orphanage (I am not sure what we will do with this yet)
The chance to decide who the United States of America goes to war with next. Mister Stalin and I are fighting this out. (I think it should be Brazil because I hate Brazilnuts.)

Vote on my new real estate purchase

2009-07-17T21:29:00.006-04:00

Today I was watching the wonderful Home and Garden Television (HGTV) for three hours! I watched so many television shows about purchasing a home. I already have a house, but I thought it might be fun to buy a couple more.

Here are the kinds of houses you can get on this television station:

A condo in a high rise in Vancouver City

Pros: Some of these buildings are so high that I could set up a bungee cord
and bungee off the roof!!!!

Cons: There are a lot of drugs in Vancouver and crime

Pros: I could pay for my condo by selling drugs?

A chalet with a chandelier by the French Alps

Pros: French boys are sexually attractive

Cons: I am not a big fan of skiing

Pros: If I were near the Alps perhaps I would become a fan of skiing (do
attractive boys ski? It is hard to tell how "ripped" they are under their
ski suits but perhaps very ripped?)

A floating house-island in a British Columbia lake somewhere

Pros: I could urinate right over the side of my house into the lake

Cons: I suppose I can already do that over the side of any house, but into
the garden, so this isn't really a pro. (Why have I not thought about
doing this before??)

Pros: I could paddle my house anywhere in the world, even to the
Alps. If the Alps are flooded with water. I wonder how hard it would
be to flood the Alps? Note to ShimmerShine's mind: remember to look into
this before purchasing real estate

This is so hard to decide!!! What do you think I should choose??

Which real estate investment should I purchase?

Please do not steal my play script idea

2009-07-08T20:43:00.002-04:00

I am sharing with you "intel" about my top secret play that I am writing for the London, Canada Playwright's Cabaret contest!! Of course it will be no "contest" because it is obvious who the winner will be up front (a certain unicorn you may know who is too modest to say his name of course, tee hee, but you might try guessing).

I cannot tell you quite what my play is about but I will give you a sneak peek at the title:

"DOCTOR WHO AND EDGAR ALLAN POE VERSUS THE ROBOTS FROM BEYOND HELL"

I know I know, it is a classic title that will go down in the annals of history, I am so excited, I am dancing here in glee and I am sure you are too.

(p.s. if you had trouble guessing, the unicorn I mentioned above is Prince ShimmerShine Moondreams)

(p.p.s. aka me)

(p.p.p.s. aka stands for "also known as" which is a bit of spy lingo for you all!!!)

Fireworks and family planning

2009-07-01T23:19:00.003-04:00

This evening I went to see the fireworks for Canada Day at the Forks of the Thames in beautiful London, Canada!

I was going to share with you the beautiful new lyrics I had written for our country's theme song, O Canada, but instead I was so moved by something I saw at the fireworks that I had to share.

Right in front of the Thames were a group of abortion protesters carrying several large signs. One said "TAKE MY HAND NOT MY LIFE" with a charming picture of a foetus, seen in my post here.

I was so impressed by this image that I approached the people carrying the signs. I said "Wow, you are much more clever than I! I never would have thought that a fireworks display would be an excellent place for an anti-choice rally!"

One rather handsome young man said "Yes, but you understand, we cannot celebrate Canada's birthday while at the same time denying birth to many babies."

I said "A most excellent point but do you realize that you are taking away my right to choose!"

(This is the spot where I hope you can see that I engaged him in a philosophical dialogue the likes of which the great sage Socrates could only dream.)

He said "O, but you are a male unicorn? How are we taking away your rights?"

And I said "You are stealing my right to perform abortions!!"

He said "You perform abortions???" and then a few of his friends said "ZOMG ZOMG KILL THE UNICORN" and they all brandished chainsaws at me.

(Later an acquaintance told me that I misheard, and they said "Hey guys I bet the unicorn would like sparklers and cotton candy" and they tried to give me some sparklers and cotton candy and were confused when I flinched and covered my ears and eyes and screamed a little. However I am pretty sure that my interpretation of the events here is the more correct one.)

I said "No, I do not perform abortions but I might one day and then you would have taken away my rights. I demand the right to hold an abortion party."

He said "What kind of snacks would you serve at this party?"

And I said "None"

And he said "Sounds like a lame party"

And I said "I think YOU are lame"

And then the fireworks started and we had to cease our conversation. I should point out that these were literal fireworks. Although I did sense some attraction between myself and the abortion protester, we did not make out.