Infertility on the Brain!

11w 5d US Pictures and 12w4d Belly Shots

2009-12-28T09:48:00.005-06:00

I've gotta say, I LOVE winter break! I've really enjoyed being off of work. We went to my parent's for Christmas for a few days, which was fantastic. Santa was very good to us, and my mom's cooking was delicious!

My parents seem super excited about the pregnancy. My parents and my husband's parents talked over the phone on Christmas about coordinating a baby shower (when one set lives in N.C. and the other Ohio, and we live in Virginia). They also talked a little about taking turns being here after the babies are born. Craziness! I can't believe this is all happening!

My mom and I even went to Babies R Us, because I had to get a gift for my friend and I wanted to just look, because I really have no CLUE about baby stuff! It was a little overwhelming, especially that we need two of everything! We kind of liked the idea of the Jenny Lind Cribs, if anyone has an opinion. Just because they are simple and small, and um... affordable.

As mentioned in my last post, here are my ultrasound pictures from last week - all nicely scanned!

And these are belly shots from today. I detest the bruise marks from the Lovenox injections! I switched a few days ago to my side. Anyway, I think I've grown since even last week. I ordered another pair of maternity pants and a top.

My friend/coworker who just gave birth was kind of amazed/surprised when I told her that I was going to share my news next week with my class and the faculty. But, I don't see how I can put it off much longer! Thoughts? 13 weeks is not too early to tell the world, is it?

Home Doppler and 11w5d Ultrasound

2009-12-22T16:58:00.002-06:00

What a great day in the life of me!

First, the FedEx truck made it through the aftermath of the two feet of snow that we have and delivered my home doppler! I was very excited to get it, and of course pulled it out immediately to play with it. It's a digital one that I got from Bellybeats. It was the first time I've actually HEARD the heartbeats, so that was great. Although, it took FOREVER to find them, and I'm still not sure that I got both of them. They are so low, near my pubic bone. I kept getting 90-100 bpm at first, and only got some in the 150's for a few split seconds. I think that's because it's so early. I don't know...

I also had an ultrasound today! I was supposed to have it yesterday, but the center was closed because of the snow. When it snows two feet in Virginia, it takes eons to dig out! Anyway, my friend went with me for moral support, because it's been almost three weeks since I've had an ultrasound so I was a little nervous, and Mr. PJ couldn't come. She helped me with that nervous talking thing I need to do, by talking -- so YAY! I actually got to meet "the doctor" that my R.E. referred me to. He was excellent! He spent a nice long time going over things, body parts, etc. He seemed very excited about the legs, I think because the last time I saw the babies they had short stubby legs, and now they are nice and long. He said the nuchel folds looked really good and something about the nasal bone. I was amazed by the profiles of the heads - so defined already. Both babies were really wiggly at first! We got to hear the heartbeats (which was SOOOO much better than the home doppler, ohmygosh!). The heartbeats were 165 and 158 bpm, so they are right on target. Baby B was pretty much active the whole time, and Baby A settled down, and seemed annoyed that Baby B's bottom was in his/her face. :)

We got tons of pictures. I think I'm going to wait until this weekend to post them because I'm going to my parent's house and my dad has a scanner. Scanners work much better than iPhone pictures of pictures.

NT Scan next Wednesday!

Morning sickness is almost (ALMOST) all gone. I still have my moments, but they are far and few in between. My energy level has been GREAT over the past week or so! So much better! I wonder how much of that has to do with quitting the progesterone last Thursday and how much has to do with ending the 1st trimester?

Life is pretty good. :)

11w3d Belly Shots

2009-12-20T10:27:00.004-06:00

I thought maybe I was showing a little, but today it really, REALLY hit me! I'm short waisted and well, round in the middle anyway, so I thought it would take a while for me to really start showing. And I do realize that part of this is probably bloat, but after really looking this morning, and after taking pictures... I think I'm definitely showing. What do you think?

Plus, it's all solid and I've been having to shove a pillow underneath my belly to get comfortable sleeping on my side/stomach. I'm trying to sleep on my side more, but I've forever been a belly sleeper, so that's not so easy. Santa is bringing me a pregnancy pillow for Christmas.

Wow.

In Which She Gets Her Way

2009-12-17T17:33:00.002-06:00

I have literally played phone tag with the genetic counselor ALL week! I have a quickie ultrasound on Monday, and the NT Scan/Genetic Counseling on the 30th. Lovely!

I'm VERY ready for an ultrasound. Not having seen the babies for two whole weeks is making me nervous. I forget who said it, but one of my IF blogbuddies recently said that the first trimester is all about blind faith, and she's right. I mean, even though I have other stuff going on, like bloating and nausea (sometimes when I'm not on the Zofran), and the angry boobs, I still REALLY want to see that the babies are ok. I do think, by the way, that my symptoms are fading a little. Come on 2nd trimester!!! Come on noticeably bigger belly and quickening!

I'm definitely renting a doppler tomorrow.

I'm 11 weeks today. The babies are supposedly the size of limes. Two limes. And then two gestational sacs and two placentas. It's so hard to believe that is all going on in my body. Mr. PJ and I Netflixed the National Geographic Documentary In the Womb: Multiples which was absolutely amazing. I am completely in awe of the development of babies and the idea that this is happening within me.

And a little rant... Just remind me that people are stupid, and I'll be ok. I'll know how to deal. I think I forgot the other day. I'm guessing that people are going to say all kinds of stupid things about being pregnant and about having/raising twins. At my weekly meeting with my coworkers, we were talking about a coworker who just delivered a baby boy. One coworker started talking about how much work babies are and compared it to having a puppy. And the boss says, "Ya know, I always wanted twins until I had one and realized how much work one was". And I just kind of went numb and said nothing. Because here I am, all hormonal, all kind of already overwhelmed with the idea of two diapers, two bottles, two childcare payments, etc... but then on the other hand I'm VERY happy to be pregnant, I'm VERY happy to FINALLY have the chance to have my own family. I'm gonna be a great mom. I've dreamed of this for YEARS. Our lives are FINALLY changing, evolving after years of what I feel was a state of stagnant mixed with some painful times with infertility. And so... I didn't know what to say. Another stunned, dumbfounded moment. People are just stupid and insensitive, that's all I've got to say. Makes me a little nervous about telling the world in a few weeks that we're pregnant.

Who's the Girl with the Perfect Thyroid? Points to self! I went to the regular Endocrinologist and I was right on target. At my last visit, in which I was 4 weeks and had just had my 1st beta, I was 1.3 something, and now it's like 1.4 something. She said that the babies start making their OWN thyroid at 9 weeks (amazing!). I'm supposed to come back in February for another check. She said that it's more likely to see a change in the 2nd trimester or later, but that it's quite possible that I could sail through without any problems.

I took my LAST PIO shot tonight! I cannot express how happy I am to be done with that! Am rockstar for sticking with PIO for so long. (pats self on back)

And my last day of work for two weeks is tomorrow. Oh happiness!!! :)

And how are you??? When did you have your last PIO shot, if you're there? What stupid things have people said to you about your journey through infertility or your pregnancy? If you've seen In the Womb: Multiples, what did you think?

In Which She Complains

2009-12-14T18:27:00.003-06:00

I hate to be the whiny pregnant lady but...

The genetic counselor called today to reschedule my NT scan because neither she nor the doctor will be there that day. Plus, she thinks it's too early (11w5d????) and wants to wait another week for "better results".

She was really, very nice and kind of apologetic and all, but ummmm... methinks the timing is not fitting in with her vaca.

Which I totally get, and I'm ok with. Kindof.

Except that I am an infertile person who has had multiple miscarriages and thus am already kind of freaking because I haven't seen the babies in over a week.

SO... I left a message that said I'd reschedule IF she got me in for a quickie ultrasound. (giggle!). And I explained why. I think I have a good legit reason. Crossing my fingers.

I miss my R.E.'s office.

It's OK to Look at Babies

2009-12-09T17:26:00.002-06:00

So, I strolled down the hall with my crazy coworker (one that I've outted myself to). There was a baby in a stroller, and I did what's become commonplace over the past few years, I ignored the baby. As in, didn't even turn toward the baby. And there was no mental conversation associated with it, no "don't look, don't look, it'll hurt...". I just automatically did it. The crazy coworker stopped and ooooed and awwwed and said, "Hey PJ, you're gonna have two of those". And so I stopped and looked, probably with a dumbfounded expression on my face. It was very strange. Infertility leaves scars.

I also carpool with two women who are in their early 50's, neither of which has had children. One seems ok with everything, and generally happy and excited about my situation. The other went through some infertility workups and had both low ovarian reserve and a septic uterus (we're close in carpool, what can I say?). She was told they would have to do donor egg with IVF, and so she went the foster parent route - which has been both good but also incredibly difficult. Anyway, I sense some weirdness between us. Like she witnessed me getting sick one day, and said, "that happens"! And she's just not excited about it to the point of which I feel guilty about sharing anything. Just general weirdness... I can't explain. So, that's been a hard place to be in.

But generally, I'm thinking about pregnancy, and can allow myself to concentrate on the next month or two. I got maternity pants. They are a little too big, but much better than the alternative of wearing my pants unbuttoned and unzipped. I'm now at that stage where I can't even zip them but about an inch. The Bella Band was just OK, there seemed to be a LOT of tugging and adjusting them. So, pretty much my yoga pants with drawstrings are the best right now!

The best news is that the Zofran WORKS! So far I just need one in the morning and I'm good to go! I almost feel human, except for the relentless fatigue, and you know... the angry boobs and peeing addiction.

10 weeks, tomorrow. :)

Randomness

2009-12-07T18:22:00.004-06:00

Hmmm... so much randomness to blog about.

I ordered my last progesterone in oil from the Freedom Fertility today. I get to stop on the 17th, and my itchy, angry, lumpy ass is so excited about that! Freedom Pharmacy has really been spectacular, and I want to give them a shout out. I have to go by the R.E.'s office to pick it up tomorrow though, because someone's got to sign for it.

I had another really bad day at work with the nausea. I'll just leave it at that. It wrecked my day. Vitamin B6 and Unisom do not work, and I don't like how the Unisom made me feel. The Sea Bands don't seem to work either. Those ginger chews help a little, but they give me heartburn. I got the Zofran this evening, but the insurance company will only cover 20 pills or a 13 day supply, which retailed at $167! So I'm saving them for work only, just so I can function. Hopefully they will get me through these next few weeks, and it'll ease up over the two weeks I'm off for the holidays.

I ended up telling my boss, because I was really close to asking for the rest of the day off and I have just been a general mess lately, and "pregnant with twins" seems to be a good excuse. He went to hug me, and I was like... um, no you don't want to do that! Then later he laughed at me (like a LOT!) for having the trash can near me at our meeting!

And I had to change my shirt, so I went to the school nurse and I ended up telling her. Note to self: In addition to bringing my whole fridge to work, bring a change of clothes.

Another teacher heard me hurling and kind of guessed and totally lost her mind in giddiness.

I think my assistant told another assistant. Although, I'm kind of surprised she hasn't put it on Facebook or Twitter yet, or even announced it over the school intercom.

So, the cat's kind of out of the bag. At 9 weeks. Surely I will be cursed.

My babies like cheeseburgers with extra pickles and milkshakes. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

I got a bella band, but haven't tried it. I'm kind of attached to my yoga pants. I ordered some maternity pants, because I needed petite anyway (not that I'm petite all over, I'm just short and round). I'm guessing the store doesn't carry them, nor do I really want to go there. Hopefully they will fit. See, surely I will be cursed.

Mr. PJ got the book The Expectant Father, and has been asking me ALL KINDS of questions that I am not ready to think about! But mostly, I think this whole thing is kind of abstract to him still.

Mr. PJ says my boobs look angry. They definitely feel angry!

And last randomness, do you like my floating babies widgets?

First Prenatal Visit/9 Week Ultrasound

2009-12-03T17:00:00.004-06:00

Still two babies, with two heartbeats at 174 and 176 bpm, both measuring at 9 weeks exactly. One even waved at us! The nurse practitioner said that would be our wild child. :)

This whole thing is still surreal to me.

Walking into the OB's office, full of pregnant women was not painful. I thought it might be, but it was really ok. What was NOT ok was the HOUR wait, and let's just make that an hour and 15 minutes, since I was told to be there 15 minutes early to fill out the paperwork. I almost regret busting out of work early, but since I got sick in front of the kids, right before I left... I was glad to leave!

But when the nurse practitioner and her nurse both apologized for the wait, I said they could make it up to me by doing the ultrasound first (plus my poor husband had left work to BE THERE for me, justincase somethinggoesawry, and I wanted him to be able to go back to work). So yes, it was worth the wait. I can't believe those are MY babies! Like... this might possibly actually work out? Surreal.

Yet... the nausea and the incredible fatigue and the having to eat 24/7 and good grief the peeing... make it believable. Dear Lord!!! This is HARD!

I did miss my familiar R.E.'s office, where I knew everyone. I missed the private bathroom with the fancy lotions that I never used, and the real cloth sheets to wrap your bottom half in. Mostly, I missed not waiting. I hardly ever waited there. You know, except for that 6 week ultrasound a few weeks ago in which I almost had a coronary over the stress...

So today's appointment was with the nurse practitioner. She's had 5 children herself via IVF, including a set of twins. She was pretty darn cool! We just went through lots of medical history stuff, and scheduled three appointments. Bloodwork next week, an early screening stuff appointment, which is on the 23rd. Ugh, I have to wait 20 days for another peek at the babies!!! And then a real OB appointment (which is NOT with the main OB guy, which is why I choose this practice). I guess that's how it goes, but still...

We discussed the nausea and I'm going to try the sea bands and a combination of vitamin B6 and 1/2 a unisom (ever hear of this combination?). If that doesn't work, I may try either a drug called phenergan or zofran. This week has been BAD! I don't know if I can function like this. Let me know your thoughts if you have experience with any of this stuff. I'm desperate.

I've really made an effort to eat more this week, thus eating ALL day, trying to get in lots of protein, and I'm still a mess.

My boss came to observe me teach today and all I could think about was the utter and total crap I must look like. I think I might tell him soon, so that I at least have an excuse for looking strung out. .

I did tell my 9 months pregnant friend at work, which was awesome! She was thrilled and could totally relate to how hard it is to teach during the 1st trimester.

Please God, let this work out.

So... traveling during the first trimester...

2009-11-30T16:29:00.002-06:00

NOT a great idea!

Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy to be knocked up and the infertile in me will always feel a little guilty for complaining about pregnancy symptoms, and part of it is definitely reassuring, but.... I think yesterday was pretty high on my list of embarrassing, uncomfortable, icky things that have happened to me.

But let's rewind, shall we...

Added to the list of things that repulse me while pregnant:

The smell of TURKEY filling the air around me on Thanksgiving...

My mother in law's Turkey Tetrazini...

Anything with sausage in it. Including my sister in law's casserole that she probably slaved over.

My husband's cologne in a bathroom that's all steamy after his shower - very claustrophobic...

And mostly, MOSTLY, having an empty stomach. I KNOW I'm not eating enough. Though I'm trying. I did go out and buy a bunch of high protein snacks and tried to pair them with good carbs, like peanut butter and apples, hummus and bread, yogurt and grape nuts... Let me know if you have other ideas. I'm thinking of trying protein shakes and I just got Barbara Luke's book, and will be looking through it for ideas.

I did try preggie drops this morning and loved them!

But yesterday, yesterday was horrible. We drove eight hours, through the mountains. I got violently sick, twice. It was ugly. So ugly.

Also, I'm just not myself. I'm tired and kind of grouchy, and kind of have lost some personality.

I did enjoy the distraction of being away. I am still worried that something will go wrong, but have kind of accepted that there's nothing I can do about it, and worrying is not good for me. I know the odds are probably in my favor for once. Oh how I hope those babies are doing well and growing up a storm. I love them already.

Hmmm.... in other news, I do have my very first OB appointment this Thursday, when I will be exactly 9 weeks. It's just with the nurse practitioner, and then apparently then I rotate through the three doctors at the practice. I guess that's pretty normal? I'm wondering how often I'll get to go. I know my scary NT Scan will be coming up soon.

So, let me know if you have pregnancy eating tips. I could use your wisdom!

7w5d Ultrasound

2009-11-24T09:07:00.004-06:00

OK, this was LAST week at 6w4d. Pardon the crappy iPhone picture of a picture...

The babies are HUGE!!! Gigantic! Enormous! I can't believe how much they grew over the past week! Both with little hearts beating, and measuring where they should be. Hooray! This is today at 7w5d. Simply amazing!

Such a huge sigh of relief for both of us! I told Mr. PJ to start letting himself get excited, and I think this helped. I also asked the R.E. about the chances of things being ok from here on out, and he was pretty reassuring. But he also said we could come in between now and whenever my OB appointment is for another scan, if we are worried... or if we just need reassurance. But technically, we graduated today!

I'm calling the OB to make an appointment tomorrow.

Thanks so very much for your comments on my last post. They REALLY helped! Although, I was still ridiculously nervous and nauseated on the way to the appointment, and on top of it, we were stuck in the elevator with a woman who wreaked of cigarettes -- as I'd just gagged before stepping into the elevator. Ugh!

Breathing a sigh of relief, for today atleast. :)

Worries...

2009-11-22T19:53:00.002-06:00

Yep. I'm worried already. I'm worried about Tuesday's scan.

I hate that I can't enjoy this like a fertile -- oblivious to all of the things that could go wrong.

I mean, chances are things are just fine, but...

I'm having a hard time believing that this time could be different, even though so far it is a lot different.

I've had this faint slightly crampy feeling on my right side all day that's slightly worrying me. I cleaned today, vacuumed, did laundry, etc... and I think that brought it on. I'm wondering what it is. Maybe it's a ligament thing? Hopefully it's nothing.

It doesn't help that Mr. PJ was excited the first few days, but has frozen up. He's afraid to get attached to the idea. He didn't want to talk about it today with his mom, and he didn't want to talk about it this evening with me. Sigh...

Wish us luck.

Head Spins

2009-11-19T15:46:00.002-06:00

Thanks SO much for all of your congrats! It's been very exciting to read your responses!

It's been an overwhelmingly exciting week, and my head is spinning with everything from OB's to bella bands.

We are so happy, albeit cautiously. It's been fun to share the news with our family. Of course we preface everything with, "it's still early" and "anything can happen", but it's still very awesome news.

The relief I feel about this possibly being it, about NOT having to go through another cycle, is amazing. No more GonalF? Ever? Graduating from my R.E.? Seriously? Not us? Is that even possible?!!!

I continue to have the love/hate thing for my symptoms. I can describe my day with three words, sleeping, working, and eating.

I've been napping when I get home from work for about an hour every evening, and then going back to bed around 8 or 9. Pretty much, I've been getting 10 hours of sleep every day and I STILL feel so tired every day around noon. It's really bad by 3:00, and I think any amount of sitting makes it worse. Usually if I don't get a good night's sleep, I can sleep extra the next day and feel recuperated. Not so much with this... Apparently making two human beings the size of blueberries is hard work on the body.

The morning sickness, isn't really morning sickness for me. It's "whenever it wants to show up" sickness. On the way home from that amazing R.E.'s appointment on Monday, I got sick in the car. I may burn my car, or have it shampooed, I haven't decided. I think part of that was just the relief/emotions of it all. But in general, mostly it's some smell that will set me off. Gas at the gas station, air fresheners, cologne...

Funny story about the cologne.... One of my students, who is about seven must have dumped his dad's Axe cologne on himself yesterday and it was so bad that I made him go to the nurse and change! Although, I'm pretty sure it was assaulting other noses too.

Sometimes food doesn't taste good that I normally love. I'm STARVING so I get something and then I can't finish it. So I guess I'll have to start eating smaller meals, more frequently (easier said than done). I'm really thirsty, but am trying to hold back in the evenings because I've NO LIE had to run to pee up to FIVE times at night. I have never peed so much in my life.

I was thinking about buying a bella band. I'm sure it will jinx me, and some horrible thing will happen. I haven't cracked open the dusty "what to expect" book yet, because of said jinxing. But a bunch of my pants are really tight. I haven't gained weight though! But the thought of being able to just permanently unbutton with abandon is definitely appealing. Is it sad that at 7 weeks I'm already considering elastic alternatives? Will I get stricken down for walking into Motherhood Maternity?

I think I've picked an OB. I asked for a referral, anyway. This guy is probably 800 years old, but he's well published, a specialist in high risk, and lots of people have said wonderful things about him. I think he's a cousin, uncle, brother-in-law of my hematologist-Dr. Unbelieveablylongname, because his name is almost equally unbelieveably long and complicated.

Um... I have to pee and then sleep now, so that'll be all of the bloggythingy today. :)

Two Beautiful Beating Hearts

2009-11-16T16:29:00.002-06:00

So... I tried not to, but I definitely spent much of the day pretty nervous.

And then the R.E. had to do a consult with the other R.E. this afternoon, so we waited until about 4:40 to have the ultrasound, when the appointment was for 4:00. I swear I've read every magazine in my R.E.'s office, multiple times.

They had us in the room for about 15 minutes as well, so I asked Mr. PJ to go ahead and do the ultrasound. He was just about to lube up the wand when the R.E. finally came in!

Anyway, as soon as he put the wand in he said there were two, but hey... let's look at this one first....

And I was like wha....??? Two???

And then he zoomed in on first sac, I could see the lovely beating heart and tears streamed down my cheek. MOST AMAZING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN! It was measuring on time, almost 6mm.

The second one also has a lovely beating heart, and measured almost 5mm.

He didn't say how fast the hearts were beating. I didn't think to ask, I was so overwhelmed. They were flickering pretty quickly.

I have a picture, but it's not that good. I don't have a scanner. But if I figure all of that out soon, I will post it.

I'm SOOOO very thankful that we got even one. I'm soooo grateful for all of the love and support that I've received from friends and family while we've been going through this. My work friend had her whole church praying for me.

I know it's early. It's so very early, and anything can happen. But for now, I'm ecstatic!

The R.E. then brought us in his office and said they would see me one more time, next Tuesday and then release me to my OB. And I am sure I had some dumbfounded look on my face... Cause he was all, "So who's your OB?" And I said, "What's that?" Who? I mean, I have a hematologist, a rheumatologist, and an endocrinologist. Ya mean, I need ANOTHER specialist? And he recommended some folks.

SOOOOOOO EXCITED!!! YAY!!!!!!!!

Getting Past a Point

2009-11-14T13:11:00.003-06:00

I know many of you know my history, but humor me, I'm feeling the drama today...

When we first started IVF, I was so excited about doing a cycle. And though I had read about various pitfalls that could occur, at numerous stages of the game, I thought surely they could not happen to me. I thought, if we were willing to try, to sacrifice, then surely we'd have success. Maybe not with the first attempt, but maybe with the next. I was naive, but not unrealistic.

Then my first cycle was cancelled. I only had three eggs.

Then my second cycle was cancelled. I only had two eggs.

For the third cycle, I was thrilled when we tried again and actually GOT to retrieval. And got pregnant, but it was a chemical.

Then for cycles number four and five, we never got a heartbeat. And of course miscarriage has it's own set of devastation and misery - far beyond what I could have imagined from the then devastating cancelled cycles.

The baby has to grow. It has to develop. It's not enough to have a beautiful placenta, and even a lovely yolk sac, kicking out hormones. There's got to be a growing baby. At least one.

So for me, getting past a certain point is a really huge deal. Anywhere along the way, things can go wrong. Everything hangs in a balance. Everything is so fragile.

I'm really grateful that we've made it this far, this time. I feel like we had a stellar cycle. I just hope we can get past this seeing the heartbeat point. And then, of course, that there are no MORE tragedies. No more getting stuck. I want this baby. I want to be a mom. I'm beyond ready. It's time.

Then again, getting worked up about another miscarriage, when I know it's pretty damn possible, serves me no good. I'm not complacent about it, but it's just out of my hands. I've done all that I can do. It will be what it will be.

My sweet husband is being very protective of his feelings. He's trying not to get attached to the idea that this might work out. He's frustrated that our lives are still on hold.

I'm less protective. It'll hurt if don't let myself get attached. It'll hurt if I do. Let the chips fall where they may.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyway, thanks so much for your encouraging comments!

I just wanted to update and say that I'm hangin' in there. I'm a little less forlorn than I was with my last post. It will be what it will be.

Kate had a really nice link for me that talks about how symptoms come and go, and that as the body is dealing with all of the hormones it tries to reach homeostasis. That made a lot of sense.

Still I'm a little, OK a LOT neurotic about my symptoms though... having gone through everything I've gone through, I can fully justify my neuroses.

Yesterday I spent most of the morning nauseous, and was ok after I ate lunch, and then it returned on my drive home from work, left after I ate. I was surprised to have it so long. Most of this week it's been just a few gags for about the first 15 minutes after I get up, and then I'm ok.

I think I dreamt I gave birth to an alligator, and was seriously trying to figure out how all of that could have come from Mr. PJ's and my DNA. I've had some funny dreams like that lately, but it could just be because of the extra sleep. I've been tired, so pretty much, I've been going to bed by 8:00.

Today I was a little nauseous and REALLY hungry in the morning, and REALLY hungry later on. Hunger and nausea-there's a big connection.

Round ligament pain yesterday. First time in over a week.

Boobs (mostly nipples) are still sore, but not the "ouch, the wind blew" kind of sore they were over a week ago.

Monday afternoon... I'm so ready, yet so NOT ready.

I don't know...

2009-11-11T17:10:00.002-06:00

I hate to say it, but I don't really feel like things are progressing. It could all be in my head, but I feel a sudden decrease in symptoms over the past few days. Like, my breasts are sore, but not AS sore. I get a little nauseous in the morning, but not nearly AS nauseous. I'm still tired, but not AS tired. I don't know... symptoms can come and go but this is not a good sign.

Feeling kind of melancholy and helpless and lost, at the moment. There's nothing I can do but wait and pray for a miricle.

I Have Decided...

2009-11-06T16:41:00.002-06:00

I have decided that I am indecisive.

I thank you all for your many and varied advice. I haven't requested HCG or an ultrasound, but I may. My center is on the smallish side, and I think they would fit me in next week if I'm wigging out.

The big answer I want of course, is whether there is a heartbeat. That's really the only thing that would make me feel a whole lot better.

Not to be cliche, but it will be what it will be. It's out of my hands. I'm trying really hard to keep myself busy and not to think about it.

I'm taking some small comfort in the fact that I get waves of nausea/gagginess. Clearly, my boobs still think I'm pregnant. My nose thinks I'm pregnant too. Funny thing, I got a whiff of the PIO shot (no lie) and was repulsed. Oh, and I think I've had round ligament pain (although I know that's usually later in pregnancy), like a few times when I've stood up quickly or when I've sneezed, I've had sharp pains on either side. None of these mean there's a developing baby in there, but it's something.

This is such a hard place to be in.

Lend me your Opinion

2009-11-04T16:15:00.002-06:00

I'm doubting myself.

Do I go for a 3rd beta? If so, then when? I could go tomorrow (21dpo). Or I could go sometime next week.
Do I go in for a 5 week ultrasound next week? It wouldn't tell me anything but how many there are.
Do I just hold out until the 16th when I should be able to see a heartbeat?

Um.... yes, I have NOOOOO kind of anxiety whatsoever about this, as you can tell.

I think I felt some rumblings today, as in some mild crampiness. I'm still very tired and sleepy. I've been napping and going to bed early. I'm a big fan of sleep in general though, so that all works out.

I'm sure this is TMI, but... I walked into the cafeteria today and it was breakfast for lunch. This overwhelming waft of sausages enveloped me. I gagged. I started tearing up. Children started looking at me kind of funny-like. My coworker took over, and I very promptly and politely went to the bathroom to hurl. I had been doing fine all day up until that, even this morning I got up and wasn't that queasy. But those sausages.... yuck!

Oh, and the fish counter at the grocery store was horrible yesterday. Soooo smells make me nauseous, and if I don't eat I get really hungry and a little nauseous.

I have a checkup visit with the regular endocrinologist tomorrow, because I am hypothyroid and am on synthroid (synthetic hormone) and need to be monitored. The checkups are just randomly done, every few months or so. The timing the past three visits just so happened to coincide with either the 2ww for the beta, or the 2ww for the 1st ultrasound. So I will be explaining my whole deal to her again. And even though she is more than wonderful about it, I hate the deja vu of it all. Am. So. Ready. To. Move. On. withmylife!!!!!!

I'm skipping my coworker's baby shower tomorrow (as in 2, but one is a guy whose wife is expecting). I will use the doctor's appointment as an excuse. I just don't want to go there (literally and figuratively). Not now. Not while I'm all vulnerable. I may sneak some gifts to them later. Target usually has really cute bunny slippers. Maybe if I wear a blindfold, I can still find them in the aisle without having to look upon beeeee-you-tea-ful baby-type stuffs. Damn you Tarjay. You saucy minx.

Beta #2

2009-11-02T15:56:00.003-06:00

Beta #1 454 15dpo or 10dp5dt

Beta #2 1164 18dpo or 13dp5dt

Doubling time was 87%, which is decent. I can't help but associate that with a "B", but I'll take it. The babymed site that has the fancy schmancy HCG Calculator says that once it hits around 1200, it takes 72-96 hours to double. Plus, um... it's still a really nice number for a 2nd beta!

My sweet nurse said that I could come in again next week to get another beta if I wanted to - for my own reassurance. Of course, that won't tell me whether there's a baby. The problem I keep having is that when I go in for the ultrasound, there's just a sac and the yolk sac--which of course is attached via the placenta, which kicks out the HCG. So you can have normal HCG's and still have no baby. My nurse also said I could come in earlier for an ultrasound to see the sac. I don't think I will though, it might cause more anxiety than it's worth, although it would be nice to know if there are more than one. My ultrasound is on the 16th, which will be 6w4d. Scary, scary!

I am however very happy with the high beta numbers! I HOPE, HOPE, HOPE that means there is at least one strong chickie with a heartbeat in there!

I had the chance to switch over to suppositories. I'm gonna be all hard core and stick with the PIO. Am badass. I just don't want to jinx anything!

Now the other wait begins...

Four Pee Sticks and a Beta

2009-10-30T13:23:00.003-05:00

Not to be confused with Three Weddings and a Funeral.

I am the proud owner of four pee sticks that were taken on four consecutive days, and were each nicely darker than the last. I stare at them fondly every time I go into the bathroom. And yesterday, when I was feeling sorry for myself because:

1. MASSIVE and ugly mother of a bruise from the Lovenox injections (seriously, the size of a baseball). I must have gone through a vein.

2. nausea (although I somewhat welcome it, kind of a love/hate thing there)

3. unidentifiable rash (heat rash, probably)

4. both buttocks HURT because of PIO shots

5. I had a 12 hour day ahead of me with parent/teacher conferences

I felt instantly better just looking at those lovely lines.

Yes, I know I've been here before. This is the honeymoon part where things seem hunkey dorey. I know the hard part is ahead of me. The heartbeat... But I've decided to go ahead and savor this process. Am pregnant until proven otherwise.

And then today...

My beta at 15dpo or 10dp5dt is 454!

My last beta was 97, the one before that was 127, and the one before that was 25. So, heck yea, 454 sounds pretty good to me.

My next beta is Monday afternoon, but I won't get the results until Tuesday, probably.

Thanks everyone for your positive comments! They definitely brought a smile to my face.

The Peeing has Commenced!

2009-10-27T15:31:00.004-05:00

I'm so classy. I know.

Yesterday the pee sticks were taunting me, early in the morning. So I gave in. I got a nice faint positive. It was 6dp5dt, or to uncomplicate things... 11dpo. So gratifying.

I held out on posting because I wanted to be sure it wasn't an evaporation line or something crazy like that.

At 1AM this morning I got up to use the bathroom and again, the pee sticks taunted me--literally begging me to use them. So, 20 hours after the first stick, I peed on another. I think the line is almost twice as dark. So lovely.

Sorry the picture isn't great. But you get the idea!

Half of me is beyond thrilled! Yay! I'm pregnant! It's another chance! And I'm trying to stay mostly in that moment and enjoy it while it's here. I'd regret if it worked out and I spent the first few weeks in a state of worry. Worry is no good.

The other half of me is trying to be level headed. Having three miscarriages in one year will do that to a girl. Am I just headed down that road to heartache again? Will I ever get to hear the heartbeat of my own child? Will I ever get to actually have my belly swell? Meet the child I've conceived? Please, let this be the one.

Waiting...

2009-10-25T08:14:00.002-05:00

This is the part where I start driving myself crazy. You know, the part where it's too soon to do a home pregnancy test, yet I still have days to wait and ponder?

It's not pretty when I'm being neurotic. In fact, it's downright ugly.

Plus, I have a head cold so I've done NOTHING this weekend but sleep and hang out on the couch. My idle mind, is a baaaad thing. By the way, I think I have a cold because I took the damn Medrol for the supposed assisted hatching that never took place, and I think Medrol is supposed to compromise your immune system. Plus, it might have something to do with the ten thousand germy kids that I came in contact with this week.

BTW, normally I'd reach for some Tylenol Sinus right about now, but instead I reached for my netti pot. Not quite as effective, but better than nothing.

My neurotic thoughts as of late...

Every single time I've done IVF I've gotten pregnant. What if it's negative?
I had the whole low blood sugar hunger this morning. Maybe I'm pregnant. Or, maybe I just ate dinner too early.
With IVF's #1&2 I had implantation bleeding by now. With the FET I did not. I don't have that now. Maybe I'm not pregnant.

For once I am pleased with Anthem Healthkeepers. Here's why:

I went to the pharmacy yesterday to pick up some more Lovenox. When I bought it last week I only had 12 prefilled syringes. Retail was something like $450, and my copay was $50. The nurse fixed my script and now I have a three month's supply, so I think it was 90 prefilled syringes. Retail was something like $1,875, and still my copay was $50. Awesome.

I also bought a 3 pack of FRER HPT's, tums, more prenatal vitamins, and a bag of those Haribo gummy rasperries. I regret not buying chocolate of some sort.

HPT Tuesday or Wednesday. Not sure yet. Stay tuned.

If Only my Ute had a Window

2009-10-21T10:59:00.005-05:00

I would love to know what's going on in there right now! Are the little ones still dividing? Are they snuggling in?

I want to ask them, "Hey, are you guys chromosomally NORMAL or what?" Because, I need you to be! Please, pretty please, with sugar on top, stick around for the long haul. Thanks.

I had some strange cramping, kind of pinching. I wonder if it was implantation or just wishful thinking? I want to think it was in the ute area, but I wouldn't bet the farm on it. Perhaps I am just freakishly gaseous today AND have no spacial awareness?

Bedrest was boring. Let me 'splain. No, let me summarize...

I ate
read my trashy novel
ate
watched movies on itunes
ate
let dogs out
ate
gave and received injections (NOT a fan of Lovenox so far)
ate
checked facebook
ate
checked twitter
ate
read blogs
ate
read my trashy novel
ate
made lesson plans for the next two weeks
ate
graded papers
ate
made flip books for my class

I don't know why I'm so hungry. Maybe the Medrol or some other drug, or the boredom made me do it. Or, I'm just an oinker.

The embryologist called yesterday. Here are the stats:

16 eggs retrieved

11 mature - ICSI'd

9 fertilized

2 transferred

3 cryopreserved (we had another one jump on board yesterday).

Not a bad batch for me. Well, assuming some of them are NORMAL.

Because, when it comes to embryos, apparently normal is NOT overrated. Out of five, let's hope that at least one of them will create a baby that makes it to full term. Is that too much to ask?

It was good to get back to work today and get my mind off of things.

Transfer: Best 1 out of 4

2009-10-20T11:52:00.003-05:00

We transferred two high grade blasts today. We had originally signed up to transfer three, but I guess since they made it to blast and were looking so good, the R.E. preferred to transfer two. We already have two that are being cryopreserved and a few more that the embryologist said were early blast stage, and they were keeping an eye on them to see if they were good enough quality to freeze. So, I feel like that was a pretty productive batch, for me!

They did NOT do Assisted Hatching. They said they only do those on 3 day transfers, something about not having as much space because there are more cells. I was a bit disappointed. I thought it was definitely possible to do them on blasts. Any input would be welcomed.

This was definitely the easiest transfer out of the four transfers we've done! Not that it was enjoyable...

I heart valium. I was nauseous before it (nerves), but then by the time I was on the table I was almost falling asleep and just really didn't care about much.

I drank at least 24 ounces of water about an hour before the transfer. Still, it wasn't quite enough. So I had to drink a few more cups of water while on the table. Then the RE inserted the GIGNORMOUS car jack crank of a speculum into my vajayjay (My husband joked that it's probably like a cave in there, and imagined the R.E. with a minor's cap on! Yea, we have a sick sense of humor... anyway). The added pressure of the speculum and the ultrasound moving around were just hard on the ole' bladder.

The transfer itself was really, REALLY quick and smooth. I have a tilted uterus so I think that's why normally they have a hard time getting the catheter in and it takes many many tries. This time, boom, it was over with!

After that I requested the OTHER catheter, the drain. I have decided that it's probably pretty routine for them to do that, and it made my 20 minute wait MUCH more bearable. I lost my shame way back when.

Oh the LOVENOX saga continues! I called the pharmacy on Saturday and had them doublecheck the actual script. Yes, it was supposed to be once weekly. Groovy. Then I called the Hematologist on Satuday and left a message. Is it really once weekly, or is that a mistake? Nurse calls yesterday, says my CHART says once weekly, but she will check with the doctor today. She calls back today, NO, it's supposed to be once DAILY. Oops! So I took some before the transfer this morning. Damn..... so disappointed about that. I knew it was too good to be true. Thanks gwinne, for encouraging me to check on it. I'm not sure I would have otherwise.

Enjoying bedrest so far! I have a smidge of hope at this point. I have no doubt that by this time next week, I'll have fun the gammet of emotions and will be going a bit batty though.

Heading for a 5 Day Transfer!

2009-10-18T08:46:00.003-05:00

Woohoo! That's a good thing, right? I've never had a 5 day transfer (well, except for the FET). Feeling a tad more optimistic. Maybe this is the batch that will keep on, keeping on?

Tuesday seems like a good day for a transfer. :)

I just read this VERY interesting dialogue between a patient and an embryologist about 3 day transfers verses 5 day transfers. Am totally excited about doing the 5 day transfer now.

Because I'm Fascinating

2009-10-17T19:11:00.003-05:00

And because, I KNOW you care and want to know what I'm thinking, always. :)

I went to get my Lovenox today and it was in prefilled syringes. There were only 12 (it said "12 day supply") and WITH my insurance it was $50. I started freaking out, until I saw that it was to given once WEEKLY! I'm gonna call Dr. Longname and make sure it isn't a mistake, because that's awesome! I seem to recall her being concerned that it was such a commitment and all, but gee, one shot a week verses daily shots=no big deal! I went ahead and took the first shot tonight, just in case tomorrow is the day.

Three days of lesson plans=4 hours at work on a Saturday. Yes, I am slow and somewhat inefficient, even after teaching for years. But still!

I made THE BEST Mac and cheese ever! I'll double the bacon next time, but it was still divine.

PIO shots with the bullseye are going pretty good. Note to self: Get sharpie out tomorrow and have Mr. PJ redraw the X's as they have started to fade.

I've discovered that if I slam the Medrol in my mouth with one hand and have water in my other hand, I can wash it down without tasting it. There's an art in the coordination of that.

I am not really looking forward to the transfer. I feel like that's where I keep going wrong. I somewhat feel that it is a waste to put those lovely embryos in my uterus of doom. Like, the reproductive center worked so hard to make them and I just go and screw them up. I think the word to describe my feeling is, "incompetent". I'm also dreading the ups and downs of the two week wait, and then what might come after. This is the hard part.

I am totally not a fan of the transfer procedure anyway. I have a tilted ute that I think makes dealing with the catheter difficult. It always takes forever. And I have absolutely no tolerance for a full bladder. I know some of that is in my head (OMG I can't pee! So I've really gotta!), but I don't know how to ignore it. I seem to be able to ignore it during a juicy movie or when I'm doing other various FUN things. But transfers are not fun and there's nothing to distract me. I detest that GINORMOUS speculum. It reminds me of a car jack. Crank, crank, crank... I DO like the valium though! However, I think they should give me a stronger dose. :)

I had one sweet glass of wine this evening, kind of a "farewell-I-hope-to-miss-you-for-9-months-plus-you-go-so-well-with-my-mac-and-cheese wine. You know the kind.

I'd better clean a little. If I don't, it might not get done for days and I will be stuck on bedrest looking at it!