San Francisco Chicken

The Chicken Is Back

2009-03-13T15:39:00.000-07:00

So I've been on vacation from my job this week and I decided there would be no better time to fire up this blog again. A few years have past and I've got a few more things on my mind that need to be blogged. Perhaps some of the old favorites would like to give a crack at writing for the Chicken again. Having nine kids and a minivan is no excuse to abstain. Dan let the domain expire (which conveniently happened shortly before I decided to get back into this.) So $90.00 later and a few hours of reconfiguring some DNS stuff, we are back online. If a $90.00 sunk cost isn't enough to get you guys writing again, then what is? Stay tuned for my article on the Jamaican media.

What Happens When You Do Not Label DVDs

2007-03-31T23:22:00.000-07:00

I will tell you what happens. This all went down about two hours ago. Before I start, I am nominating myself for the classiest guy of the year award.

I am currently on vacation, visiting my parents in Canada. So after dinner, my mom, dad and my cousin Zac sat down in the living room to watch the Flames game on TV. In between the second and third period, I wanted to show off to Zac how badass my dad's sound system in the living room was. Of course, my dad had no qualms about this. So here is where my bootlegged copy of Ghostrider is about to come in handy. DVD quality and all. I run up to my room, pull this unlabled TDK DVD-R out of my back pack, bring it back downstairs, and throw it into the DVD player as we all anxiously await the insane THX 7.1 sound that is about to be unleased in the living room.

The only problem is that it was a copy of some nasty lesbian porno movie that I downloaded from the internet (and obviously burned onto a similar looking DVD.) Done and done. I just won the award.

The SFChicken Law Firm?

2007-03-31T15:30:00.000-07:00

I noticed this sign for this place on the highway while I was in Portland the other day:

I figure if anyone on SFChicken got into legal trouble, they would want a savage lawyer to take their case.

Chicken Police

2007-03-27T09:39:00.000-07:00

Will you be eating your groceries in the store today?

2007-03-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't had a chicken-worthy experience in a while, but I have to throw this one out there.

I go play pick-up hockey on some Fridays and I park in a Whole Foods that's next to the rink. To get my parking validated, I have to buy something in Whole Foods, which I wouldn't normally do. Typically, I pick up a couple of salads and a quart or two of juice.

Until very recently, the cashiers at Whole Foods had dutifully rung me up and bagged my groceries. But the last couple of time I've been there, the cashier has asked me: "Will you be eating this here today?"

I never quite understand, and I feel like I'm 'The Champ': "So I says 'pardon?'"

And they basically ask me again if I will be eating my purchases in the store. Now I know I'm not a small man, and I know that I can eat an Extra-Large pizza and drink a gallon of juice without getting full, but what are the odds that I'm going to sit down eat all of my groceries in the store? If I had a half of a take-out sandwich, their question might make sense. But I've got groceries.

So what are they doing? Are they trying to reduce the number of bags they give out by one? Because they're losing that war on the thousands of other people they double-bag a box of cookies for. With all of their plastic packaging and massive parking lots, Whole Foods is the last place that's really doing anything good for the environment. Maybe the cashiers (all female) think a guy really is going to eat all of his groceries in one sitting. I don't know. But I really wish they'd just throw my groceries in a bag and shut the hell up like they do with every other customer.

When did Guns 'n Roses become classic rock?

2007-03-17T19:25:00.000-07:00

I was at a punk show last week. (The Epitaph tour, if anyone cares.) The band in discussion is called Escape the Fate. For starters, I should point out that this was an 'all ages' show. I used to go to all ages shows when I was 15. I am now almost 30. It really never occurred to me before I got there that the average age in the place might be 15. What made it bearable was good music and a decent bar with no one in line. Anywho, at one point during the evening I decided to ask these two girls standing next to me how old they were. They both told me they were 18 (probably being liberal on their lie.) One made the addition that she felt old in there. Obviously I pointed out that I was 29 and my friend was 32 and thus he could have been her dad (I do have a friend that has a 14 year old who is also 29 - this is a whole other story.)

As you all may or may not know, every respectable punk band has to have a cover song that is all punked out. These used to be songs like "Surfin' USA" (Pennywise), "Brown Eyed Girl" (Lagwagon), "Go Your Own Way" (NOFX), etc. Well Escape the Fate makes the following announcement: this song is for your mommys and daddys. They proceed to play "Take Me Down to the Paradise City" by G'nR. When did Guns 'n Roses become classic rock? I don't know. I should also point out that the oldest member in Escape the Fate was 21 tops.

Moderately Hot Chicks turning to Nerdy, Rich Engineers in desperation

2007-02-16T21:43:00.000-08:00

I found this article in my local newspaper:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/02/14/MNGEVO4DQH1.DTL&hw=guynn&sn=002&sc=832

It was supposed to be about how Silicon Valley executives (who are 95% male) often find themselves 40, single and in need of a makeover and someone to hook them up with some available ladies from San Francisco. This is not surprising since: "[there isn't] a single drinking establishment between Palo Alto and San Jose that serves up a better ratio of men to women than Anchorage, Alaska." Many of us know this to be true, and would add that the women in these establishments are either 1) secretaries; or 2) over-40 with kids.

Only problem - the article ends up only talking about one dude (a 44-year-old guy who has gone out with "several dozen" women through a dating service) and a whole bunch of women. Specifically, the woman who runs the dating service gave up on trying to meet rich guys in San Francisco and "cast a wider net" to meet rich guys elsewhere. And here's the guy she met:

Here's another photo of the girl:

Now she's not super hot, but still either he's got a huge donger or a lot of money. And she has clearly gotten desperate - remember, this is how the dude looks eight months after she met him and set out to completely change him so that she isn't embarrassed in front of her friends. He may even have a sweating problem, we don't know.

But what we do know is that there are some girls out there who actually realized that they're not going to get anywhere going after some dirtbag (like our mayor). Now that is surprising!

Ridskolan

2007-02-16T21:39:00.000-08:00

I don't know what Ridskolan means, but if you are reading this, you know the movie. And I have said enough. There is a new movie I have found circulating in the file sharing world that beats Ridskolan hands down. Notice the fat nasty Swedish lady balancing out the good looking girls. This is obviously a staple of Scandinavian cinema which I don't yet understand. The movie is called "I Jomfruens Tegn." Don't know what that means either. But here's the thing. It's filmed in 1974. This is worth the high bandwidth download.

Emergency

2007-02-14T08:27:00.000-08:00

For those of you who haven't seen this, this is literally an emergency:

Jack Berg Electronics

2007-02-12T17:43:00.000-08:00

This is an unbelievable store I came across on the internet the other day. Jack Berg Electronics specializes in selling new, in the box, never opened, electronic equipment from the 70s and 80s. Picture on the left: a never used Four Star brand 8 track stereo receiver. Speakers included. I want to find a reason to order something from this website. I want to buy an unopened Hitachi ghettoblaster for $199.00 from this guy but I can't justify it. Mike, do you have any ideas? They actually have a Panasonic 8 track player than condenses into a suitcase for portability. Check out this store. It's out of control.

bedbugs, mother fvck!

2007-02-09T13:37:00.000-08:00

I went to New York back in December with my girlfriend. We stayed at a friend's place - I didn't want to sleep in his bed and kick him out of his room, so I bought him an air mattress and brought it on the plane with me.

After the first night, my girlfriend said she was itchy, but I thought nothing of it. We came back, and she was still itchy. She threw out her skin lotions. Didn't help. Then she thought it was nerves over a job interview. Got the job, still itchy. Then I started getting itchy.

But we went away on vacation for a week and everything subsided. Then we came back and we were itchy again. We washed all the blankets, sheets, everything, and things seemed to get better for a while. Then everything came back.

Turns out - we brought bedbugs back from New York! There is a complete epidemic of bedbugs there, affecting not homeless shelters but co-ops and condos in the city's best neighborhoods:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/04/opinion/nyregionopinions/04CIfriedman.html">

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/10/15/realestate/15cov.html?ex=1170997200&en=4578af7fbbe7efa6&ei=5070">

Now I know New York has bugs - cockroaches everywhere - but bedbugs? Apparently as recently as 2000, there were no complaints of bedbugs there. But supposedly the DDT we sprayed on them for 30 years has finally worn off and they are making a comeback.

And they are absolutely miserable. They feed on exhaled carbon dioxide, so no matter how much you clean your house, unless you stop breathing, they'll stay there. And you can't get rid of them yourself - you need an exterminator, and he needs to spray your house two or three times. And hopefully that does it. I really am hoping.

I had to wash every garment and bag I own last night in super hot water and dry it all on the hottest settings. It cost $80 in quarters, I kid you not. I had to toss all kinds of things, from shoes to my vacuum to books to my curtains to paper to clothes that I wasn't too attached to, and that still might not do it. I had to buy bedbug-proof mattress bags, which set me back a further $200.

So far, I appear to be the only one affected. My friend has no bites. My roommate has no bites. So they're fairly unconcerned. My girlfriend gets bites when she stays at my house, but her house is bug-free. The only thing we can think of is that my room is really warm (it's a new building with good insulation) and humid (my bathroom is attached to it), while hers is freezing and dry. I really, really hope the whole thing is contained.

Advice? Basically, dump your luggage straight into the washing machine when you get back from a trip to New York. Vacuum your suitcase and your shoes, and throw the vacuum bag out immediately in a double plastic bag. And that still might not do it. I'll keep you posted on my progress.

The Reykjavic Kentucky Fried Chicken

2007-02-07T14:05:00.000-08:00

KFC has changed a lot since the early 80s. This was a time when KFC was actually known as Kentucky Fried Chicken. My dad actually convinced me that my grandmother personally knew Colonel Sanders so that I would eat the chicken at her house. How much times have changed, where KFC is the most ghetto restaurant in the country (with the possible exception of Popeye's.)

Not in Iceland. You have never seen anything like the scene at the Reykjavic KFC like I saw this past summer. I'm not kidding you when I tell you that there were 200 people in this place. I went in there to go to the bathroom and I was so amazed that I actually had to try something from there. The girls I was travelling with would obviously have nothing to do with KFC no matter what the country was. They had the number system there (like at a deli.) So obviously I took my number and then waited around like a space cadet not realizing that it would be called in Icelandic. There was probably a 20 minute wait anyways, but I waited about 45 minutes. Until this friendly (normal looking) Icelandic gentleman noticed that my number was like 20 behind his. He pulled some strings with the KFC lady (who was hot) to get me back in the cue.

While I was waiting for my chicken meal which was literally equivalent to $13.00 I began speaking to this friendly gentleman. I asked him why there were so many people at KFC. It was a zoo in this place. He had no concept of what a KFC was like in the USA and why I would be surprised at how popular it was there. I couldn't even explain it to him. He just told me that the kids like it for the (McDonaldland type) playground that they had there and they would come there every now and then for the kids. But he personally didn't think it was that bad.

Well you those gastrointestinal issues that you get after you eat KFC here in the US? Its the exact same there. Just as disgusting but about $8 more and a playground.

Flea Market - Just Like a Mini-Mall

2007-02-05T08:31:00.000-08:00

This commercial literally is the best ever created:

Don't miss the Blue Screen Acapella:

And Don't be afraid to watch what this guy did with the blue screen:

And then the obvious Reggaetown Remix:

Brother Can You Spare a Dime?

2007-02-04T11:42:00.000-08:00

In January 2007 (after advanced warning), it became mandatory to carry a passport to travel between Canada and the USA. This means that for thousands of short-sighted Canadians, January was time to renew your old, expired passport. There are two options for passport renewal, stand in line in a government building or mail it in.Normally, either method results in a 2 week wait. When half the country is all renewing at once, its about 3 months. So everyone who has travel plans in the next couple of months to the US, and has no passport, is screwed. Not only that, but the normally hour-long or so lineup at the government building (i.e. the wait in order to begin waiting several months) is now days. At one point in Calgary, there were 1200 people in line, and they process 300 per day.

Meanwhile...elsewhere in Calgary, I get asked for change every few feet, or my car window squeegeed without solicitation. This booming economy is bringing with it many homeless - and its pretty cold out these days. How is this relevant?

I have a proposal for the city's homeless. Go stand in line for a passport application, and then sell your spot. My time is not as valuable as many peoples', but that does not mean that I like lineups. I avoid them at all costs. There is a reason I go for lunch at 11:00. For a lineup of that magnitude, I would pay good money for a spot in line. I would pay 5 bucks for a long bank line, who knows what the market would command for a day long passport line?

Lineups are everywhere, and many people despise them. If I were homeless, I would go stand in line all over the city. Banks. Government buildings. Ticketmaster. Social Security in the States. My little sign would indicate that my spot was for sale. Let the negotiations begin.

Plus in this cold you get to wait inside, not to mention bring a value-add service to society.

James Bond Day

2007-02-03T13:59:00.000-08:00

While this may not apply to those of you who work in an establishment that requires formal dress every day, I couldn't help but mentioning the practice that unbeknownst to me until yesterday, happens at my work. This is only practiced by one individual in my office, but I propose this to others and I plan on doing this myself. If your work is like most others every day, standard dress is khakis and a collared shirt or whatever, and that's cool. Then you have Fridays where you can throw on a pair of jeans if you want because its casual Friday. Well yesterday one of the physicians I work with shows up in the most pimp suit, cufflinks, etc (not common in a hospital.) So I say, hey "I thought it was casual Friday today." He responds "No dude, its James Bond day today." Every Friday is Casual Friday except for the first Friday of every month is James Bond day instead. I like it. Its pretty pimp. Especially if you work in a place where its totally random and borderlines on inappropriate. Let's bring it on.

Blackberry? Obsolete in Chicago nightclubs.

2007-02-03T13:09:00.000-08:00

If you are going to move to a new city (ie. Raleigh, NC to Chicago, IL) you might as well do it properly. No f'ng around. Just move in and hit it hard. Well, my newcomer friend Marc demonstrated last night that he has been doing just that. After a party at the Museun of Contemporary Art ended last night, during the brief discussion of where we should go next, Marc pulls out this raggedy folded up sheet of paper from his pocket with every possible destination in Chicago, hand written, addresses, addendums, checkmarks all included. Sh1t is crossed out if it sucks, checkmarked if he's been there, in different colors (the reason of which I don't know.) This is a guy who has a Blackberry. Fully functioning member of modern society. For some reason I find it funny that a) anyone would actually make such a list and keep it updated, and b) that he wouldn't just program the numbers into his Blackberry and instead carries this nasty folded up sheet of paper in his pocket. Either way, he obviously prizes this creation of his because the closest he would let me get to this thing was the picture taken above. Its actually kind of legible, so if you are ever going to be in Chicago, check it out. In his defense, all of the places from his list that he has dragged me to have been pretty good.

The Original SFChicken

2007-02-01T15:05:00.000-08:00

When you google search for "sfchicken" you find our site, obviously (thank god), but you also find some links referring to Gavin Newsom, San Francisco's Guy Smiley looking Mayor. Well, looks like last year he took a break from trying to figure out to do with SF's 2 million homeless people for a couple of minutes to one up Clinton by bumping uglies with his campaign managers reasonably attractive wife. You heard me right, he had intercourse with his poor campaign manager's wife. Clinton at least chose some nasty single girl, but Newsom, that is just wrong dude. Here is the former campaign manager who resigned yesterday over the scandal:

Contrast that with Newsom:

Look at him! Newsom, take a look at yourself with Sharon Stone and your hot ex-wife, and your ability to attract women. Now lets take a look at the guy's wife that Newsom tagged:
Here is the deal, this woman is clearly in a "looks" class above her husband. So basically, their marriage is ruined and the odds of this guy landing a woman of her aesthetic caliber are close to nill. Therefore, double shame on Newsom. We have to root for the guys who don't have the looks but land the ladies of a higher "number". Newsom, you are a bad man and we don't want you associated with the chicken any longer. Good riddance.

Good Luck Man

2007-02-01T14:29:00.000-08:00

Here is the deal, the NHL really doesn't get much attention in the US. I think they rank 7th behind bowling and darts for spectator sports. I would argue that hockey should be ranked first, or at least in the top three because of how fast the action is, how hard the hits are, and how exciting the game is. If those reasons don't do it for you, then how about this; In no other sport do the athletes take a break to try to kick the living s**t out of each other on occasion. I am not talking about a little man-shove like they do in basketball, or pushing each other after a play is dead in football. I am talking about dropping the gloves and putting the dukes up and fighting thirties style. I want to thank Hawerchuk for pointing out the following video to me, where Phoenix tough guy George Laraque takes on an LA Kings fighter Ivanans, where Laraque happened to be miked up for the game:

Notice what a gentleman he is. Compare that to some weak NBA man-pushing. If that fight didn't convert you, this one should:

And if you have A.D.D., try watching this one:

Chicken San Francisco

2007-02-01T14:25:00.000-08:00

If you cook as much as I do, I am sure you will be interested in the "Official" recipe for "Chicken San Francisco." This is courtesy of someone named Beverly R. who posted the recipe as "the recipe of the week" on some g*y website. Reading about this chicken dish reminds me of an episode several years ago during a family dinner where one of the guests asked my mother what the name of the chicken dish was called (which he was enjoying so much.) My mother, who is not known for her culinary skills proudly said "I call this is pineapple chicken" to which my uncle responded "we like to call this it tastes like sh1t chicken."

In any event, as far as the recipe for San Francisco Chicken goes, I will get right to the skinny of it all. The recipe to me looks pretty standard. Almost to the point of not mentioning. Basically you take some nasty chicken, stir it up with some spices (not sure which exact ones make it SF style), and then you cook it in a skillet. Then comes the part that caught my eye. The Dutch Oven. Call me naive, but I always thought the Dutch Oven was when (while in bed with your girlfriend, wife, etc.) you unleash the hugest fart, cover her with the comforter, and waft it around for her to enjoy the heated aroma. Apparently, according to Beverly R. however, the dutch oven is in fact some sort of oven in which you can cook chicken. I don't even want to Wikipedia the real 'dutch oven' because I get too much enjoyment out of imagining any sort of analogy it may have to the afformentioned procedure. It is probably just some lame oven you can buy at Costco and I would just be disappointed.

The Great Canadian Gay Migration?

2007-02-01T10:12:00.000-08:00

I was reading the newspaper this morning, and I came across a reprint of this gem, entitled: One Son's Choice: Love or Country? A lot of it isn't news: because gay people can't legally marry in the U.S., they can't file joint taxes, get health care through each other's jobs (generally) and can't inherit estates without paying taxes. But San Francisco, where I live, isn't exactly a terrible place to live if you're gay: (I was nice enough to spare you the photo in our largest newspaper that showed a guy gagged and tied to a lightpost for fun.)

But the woman who wrote this Newsweek piece, well, her son isn't down with San Francisco. He's moving to Canada. And apparently, he's not alone:
"Sadly, I suspect that Cameron is not the only one thinking of leaving. Type "gay migration" and "Canada" into any search engine and you will find hundreds of articles and blogs by current and potential Canadian immigrants."

So, at the risk of having the internet monitors at my company fire my ass, I typed "gay migration" and "Canada" into google. Here is what I got:

1. Great Gay Migration of 1812 (gay Quebecois cowboys? who knew?)
2. The Newsweek article above
3. Canada Bracing For Onslaught Of Gay Americans (joke site)
4. Canada May Be Haven for GLBT Couples (Nov. 2005)
6. ‘Get thee to a big city: sexual imaginary and the great gay migration’
8. Gay migration to rural Tasmania may have reached its high tide mark

Go through the next few pages of results, and in 95% of the articles, "gay migration" and "canada" don't appear together, and most of the articles are about people moving to San Francisco. Basically, there's no big rush to pack up the Castro and move it to Vancouver. It's a big deal to move to another country, and there aren't a lot of people rushing to do it because of perceived tax advantages and de jure as opposed to de facto acceptance, any more than Democrats are becoming Canadians because they hate the president. And besides, Canada is the place where I learned that it's ok to refer to people as "ret*rd", "f*ggot" and "stupid French-Canadian." It was only in the "less enlightened" United States that I really had to reconsider my usage of these words.

Blu-ray or HD-DVD

2007-01-31T18:58:00.000-08:00

Obviously with the two new formats on the market there will be a big dilemma between us early adopters (as myself) or impulsive buyers (as Mike) or risk averters (as Dan) to decide which format we should buy into. I offer an interesting piece of insight that I came across while looking up the price of Blu-ray burners.

Before I discuss the insight, I must mention that there are currently no HD-DVD burners right now, so that pretty much settles my issue of concern. Otherwise, the two formats offer more or less the same features and in favor of HD-DVD is that the players seem to be much less expensive now (up to half the price of Blu-ray players.)

It was pointed out however, that the pornography industry often dictates technology changes. To put it very simply, there is so much porn out there compared to regular movies (this will be a topic of later discussion - US porn video rentals are about 13 billion dollars yearly vs. about 9 billion for mainstream video) that they have quite an impact on which technology gets the most usage. Noteworthy also is that pornography is for the most part exclusively on home video in some format (unless you want to get caught rubbing one out at the Lusty Lady or something - as I am sure Chaz Lutz has - the Lusty Lady will also be a topic of future discussion.)

Pornography was largely responsible for the winning of VHS over Betamax in the early 80s. (Let's put it this way, I only knew one person (an unmentioned friend's dad) who had Betamax porn and it was a compilation of nasty sh1t that was probably copied from someone elses VHS tapes.) If you are interested in what was on this tape, let's just say that it was the closest thing that the early 1980s had to Bukkake - using several clips from different films. Pornography was also responsible for several of the most important internet technologies we take for granted (ie. online payment systems, streaming video, video rental delivery - such as Netflix - my old roommate had a pornflix time thing way before anyone had ever heard of Netflix.) Filesharing, insane bandwidth, etc. all was heavily influenced by porn.

So what's the point? Apparently, the porn industry has embraced HD-DVD. At one of the big porn industry conferences in Vegas earlier this month (AVN 2007), it appears that the overwealming concensus was that studios will be preferring HD-DVD because it is far cheaper and easier to produce these discs. (Straight from Bangbros mouth apparently is HD-DVD.) For all you sickos out there (Stabbone specifically), that might be enough to sway the decision right there. For me, I prefer Blu-ray because there are burners available (now at increasingly more reasonable prices.) If I need to, I will just burn the sh1t myself. Who buys/rents it anyways? And maybe I will just stick to low def smut. Who needs to see some nasty hairy ass at 1080p?

Business Card Fishbowl Scam

2007-01-30T11:17:00.000-08:00

You know those fishbowls they have at restaurants? Throw your business card in and win a free lunch?

I used to throw my card in, and I think I won a platter of sandwiches for my office five years ago, but I basically almost never do it anymore. Though apparently I did it a few months ago at a sushi restaurant in LA. So then I get this phone call:

Caller: "Hi, this is [name redacted] from blah blah blah financial. You put your business card in the fishbowl at Kabuki Sushi, and you've won a free lunch for yourself and 15 of your co-workers."

Me: "Sweet."

Caller: "Now let me tell you how the lunch works. First I give you a 5-10 minute spiel about blah blah blah financial and the services I offer, and then we order. I'll pay for all the food and the tip - no sake - and all you have to do is give me the contact information for all of your co-workers."

Me: "Let me ask you a question. Does everyone who puts their business card in the fishbowl 'win' a free lunch for 15 people?"

Caller: "Um. Yes."

So I passed. But what a scam - a smart one - I would never give some random salesman my contact info, but apparently I'd do it unwittingly if I thought I was getting a free lunch out of it.

A Recipe for a Boner and Intense Fatigue

2007-01-30T09:46:00.000-08:00

Editors note: The following is for satirical purposes only. Not recommended. Don't do it. It's dangerous. Want to get your boss all F'd up? We attempted this in the office last week (which by the way was the most absurd thing I have ever done in an office - including any promiscuous activities.) The mission basically failed due to some overlooked technicalities, but I have refined the process and am posting what I should have done here. Obviously any practical jokes on my boss are out of the question for a while because there is no way he will fall for them, but I felt it to be prudent to record this process so I may use it at some future point in time:

Necessary ingredients:
2 x Sildenafil Tablets (this is a potentially dangerous medication FYI)
4 x Zolpidem tabs (preferably not controlled release zolpidem)
1 x 5 to 10 cc syringe (in some states available without a prescription at any pharmacy if you claim you are a heroin addict or the alike)
A small amount of a clear high proof alcohol (vodka, gin, rum, everclear, etc.)
** Sildenafil = generic name for a common boner enducing drug, Zolpidem = generic name for your run of the mill fast acting prescription sleep medication

Directions:
1) Remove the blue coating off of the sildenafils using a file. Crush into a fine powder and dissolve in about 4-5cc of alcohol.
2) Remove any coating off of the zolpidem (if there is one) using the same technique and dissolve in the same alcohol.
3) Both of these compounds should be fully dissolvable with enough mixing.
4) Aspirate into the syringe. At this point, there should basically be about 5 cc of clear fluid in the syringe. This is potent sh1t.
5) Covertly squirt into your bosses open soda or other beverage when he is not looking.

Result:
Within about 15 minutes.... The boss starts walking like a chicken. Then realizes something bad is happening. Within about 10 more minutes, sits down and passes out at his desk with a huge boner. Wakes up 8 hours later with no recollection of anything. In a potentially better scenario, he doesn't make it to his desk and wakes up on the floor with the cleaning staff vaccuming around him.

Addendum:
In a similar yet different scheme recently done successfully by a non medical friend of mine (also a writer for sfchicken) a colleagues beverage was laced with an toxic dose of fish oil. Evidently this scheme was a success and the victim had to take a day off of work to unleash his mad diarrhea. The purpetrator felt so guilty that he confessed to his boss. I am almost thinking that it may be beneficial to add a diarrhea producing drug to my concoction above.

What Liquids May I Bring on the Plane?

2007-01-29T13:57:00.000-08:00

Can't bring your toothpaste. That might be a bomb. Ditto for bottled water, hair gel, the soda you are currently drinking, sunscreen, etc. It's too bad that you could not get a prescription for toothpase and water, because then you could bring it on the plane without hassle. And even better, it's not volatile, explosive, flammable, dangerous, etc.

You want to participate in an experiment in air safety? Go to your physician and tell him you have angina. He will give you a prn (unlimited supply) prescription for nitroglycerin (nitro-quick, nitro-dur, nitolingual, nitro-paste, etc.) Nitroglcerin can be taken either under the toungue, intravenously, applied on a patch to the skin, topically as a lotion, swallowed, sprayed in the mouth, etc.) And the best thing about it? Its nitroglycerin. AKA the same thing dynamite/plastic explosives are made of. It's so volatile that it must be dispensed in containers that do not allow light to penetrate. This stuff will basically blow up by putting it under a light. You don't want to put a lit match anywhere near that open red bottle up there.

It is however pretty damn good at getting rid of angina (chest pain). So what is the solution? I don't know, but lets cut the bullsh1t and let people bring toothpaste on the plane and make sure that no one brings a 14 gallon tub of nitropaste with a prescription label on it.

The Tall Gentleman with the Curly Hair

2007-01-29T12:20:00.000-08:00

Admitedly, I will start by saying that this is not my idea, rather it is Roddy's (who does not have posting priveleges.) I do take credit for the rant however and I do think it is worth mentioning.

Has political correctness gone to far. Borderlining on obsurdity? Here is the typical conversation I am talking about:

Me: Hey I was talking to that guy at work today who works at the front door checking peoples' ID badges.

Roddy: Which Guy?

Me: You know, the gentleman with the dark curly hair? Its pretty short. Ummm, a little bit heavy set, dark skin, has a little bit of an accent. Kind of sounds like he might have a South Chicago dialect. Really nice fella.

Roddy: Oh you mean the black guy thats the security guard.

Me: Yeah. That guy. Didn't know how else to describe him, but I guess you summed it up pretty well. I wish I would have thought of that.

I was filing a police report this morning and the officer asked me if the gentleman in question was "Black, White or Hispanic." If the cop can say it can't we all? She didn't even consider that it might have been an Asian or an Indian dude. But thats a different issue. Maybe they don't commit as many crimes or something.