A Little Bit Lost

My precious boys

2009-04-18T14:45:00.013+10:00

A drawing..from a photo..the one that I got for Xmas...of my most beautiful beloved first son Noah.
I have never before showed you an image of my sweetheart.

Then a photo of Morgan at about 2-3 weeks old...we (my husband, parents etc) could not believe how similiar they are.

They look so peaceful and sleepy...

I can still NOT comprehend that one of them is not here. I KNOW IT..I KNOW IT.. but it can still suck the breath out of me.

Noah....and....

2009-04-18T00:35:00.005+10:00

Ok I am a bit silly.....funny that. I am a bit high and flying...lots of champagne ha ha ha

So my gorgeous Morgan boy will enjoy the bottle tonight - no booby for the time being. ...yes mummy wants you to wait for the tit...

My god even now.. I just skip the sad bits and pretend all is good.

Is there anybody OUT THERE....

Confrontation

2009-04-18T00:28:00.002+10:00

I know i appear silent but I'm not... I have just told my brother that my baby died...does he remember. My precious baby died from a simple virus. He just stopped breathing....I am so SAD..when will i be better...when will others understand.

My how I've grown...

2009-04-03T17:06:00.003+10:00

Not far away...

2009-04-01T20:16:00.002+10:00

I cannot believe its been just over 2 months since my life changed forever..AGAIN. I am generally happy and content and I am not sure if I belong in this place anymore. Of course I think of my baby Noah .. many times a day. I think of him as a tiny wee one and as the imagined toddler that he would be now. And sometimes the tears well up or even spill over..but its not intense - in fact it has not really been intense for quite a while...even before Morgan came. I guess I am healing, and feel quite balanced and just used to my altered existence which is parenting my 3 children in very different ways. An almost teen, a tiny one and one that I so wish I could have with me.
But I still check in every day or so and am so pleased to see the recent couple of babies arrive.."well done mamas" and am still holding out to see many others get their BFP and happy ending too.
I know that I am always going to miss my baby and I expect I will ALWAYS have moments of that feeling when your tummy falls away and the tears come so quickly and the feelings just flood back.. but I know they are less and less..
So I enjoy my new little man and oh so gently and tenderly remember my other.

Click Click Flash Flash...I am so popular!!

2009-02-04T07:07:00.002+10:00

I did it!! I did it!!

2009-02-01T19:07:00.003+10:00

I have a new man in my life and I am so in love.. He was born 28 January at 10.36am a perfect healthy - 3280 grams or 7lb 3

I am just home now and recovering well. I am stunned, thrilled, and just cannot believe how blessed we are to have him.

My perfect baby boy that we have named Morgan...

More details tomorrow with pics I promise.

xx

Nerves of steel!!!

2009-01-27T08:15:00.002+10:00

I thought I would mislead you all with that Title. Hmmm nervous now, definite excitement too but very nervous. In 24 hours time I will be gowned up and getting ready for my turn.

Please beautiful baby hang in there.

Thanks for all your love and support. I could not have done any of this without you. Please think of us both as we try and navigate these last hours to the other side. Surreal!!

xx

This time next week....

2009-01-21T13:48:00.002+10:00

Feeling very pregnant now - slow and tired, needing a nap in the middle of the day. Bubby is moving well and all seemed good at the ob appointment yesterday. As of last Friday the estimated weight was 6lb 4 so we are looking at around 7lb at 36 wk 6 days - the C section day. I can't believe I just have to get through 1 week, its seems nothing but it also seems endless and scary and as we know anything can happen. Denial is serving me well and keeping busy and distracted with our business. We have a couple of big quotes to get in this week - one of which would really set us up for the year..so am hoping we can secure that deal.

The room is not set up though - its not chaos but its not all baby pretty. Clothes have been washed and put in drawers but other than that there are little piles of stuff or baby gifts already given still in wrappers and a couple of boxes of baby toys - few books on a small bookshelf etc. Nothing pretty on the walls or anything. Just rather dull really.
The cot is not set up as I have always believed you get the baby before you put that up. So that big box and new mattress is leaning on a wall in our bedroom (as baby will be in my room for first weeks/months)

Wishing I could gush with excitement (which i do have moments of) but basically I am just existing.

Wake me when its over!!

2009-01-15T12:53:00.002+10:00

Well I am hanging in there. Time is going fairly slowly and yet in 2 weeks this will all be done. The outcome will be decided and 'generally' I am feeling I will probably get a baby. I am 35 weeks today and I must say I am actually glad now that I don't have to get into the real end game of 38-40 weeks as I reckon I would have used up all my rational thoughts by that time.

It has been decided it will be a general so I am not even going to be conscious for the birth!! I think I am just surrendering to every new obstacle and this is helping a lot. Yes I would love to push my baby out and have that experience and to be the first person they see...but its just not going to be like that. So get over it!! My ob Lee did walk me through how it will all play out and so I can visualise things better and so I should be out for about 90mins and will wake in the recovery room with a little one and Daddy beside me waiting for a cuddle and a breastfeed. Ha thats the baby by the way. But wow oh my god!!!! This doctor is just so calm and reassuring and takes the time to go over the physical and emotional aspects and she talks like I am going to get a baby..and so goddam I am compelled to believe her. And it feels great to not be so scared and to be a bit like a normal pregnant woman, excited and expecting the best.

My missing Noah has definitely been put into a little box and hidden away at the moment. I just can't deal with that and this. I look at his beautiful drawing many times a day and I smile or go up to it and stoke his little face and say sweet things to him. But if I start having some sad or bad thoughts I immediately go on alert...SUPPRESS SUPPRESS.. i just can't think about it too much. I think I know a new wave of grieving is right around the corner and I am saving my strength for that.

Its amazing to have come this far and I am so grateful for the chance to bring a new baby into our life. And so I wait...

Happy Birthday to me...

2009-01-08T17:11:00.002+10:00

We have a date!!

28th January..my 38th birthday.

This has to be a good omen .. do you think?? I always consider 28 to be my lucky number too.

My god excited, nervous, terrified, thrilled...did I mention anxious. You know the usual MANIC range of emotions..flooding through in a matter of minutes.

The finish line

2009-01-07T09:16:00.005+10:00

Well I am home now...had not had any blood for 48 hours and so am to lay low at home and hopefully avoid further bleeding.
Was very pleased to be given some very clear info and answers.
1. It will be a c section at around 36/37 weeks - EXACT DATE TBA within the next week.
2. If i bleed again I go back into hospital until the baby comes.
3. Another doc appointment and scan next week to keep me going.
4. Head consultant will perform the surgery as it is a high risk caesar

So by the end of January this baby should be born and I hope with every ounce within me that all will be well and I get my happy ending.

Because I must make even a c section more complicated ... one of the negs is that because the placenta is anterior they must cut through it and get bub out straight away. There is a greater chance than a with a normal caesar of bleeding that cannot be stopped and so in very rare cases and I guess to save your life a hysterectomy needs to be performed. SOO in light of this they (they being the head consultant my lovely lady Lee and her team) are in discussion about perhaps doing the section under a general. You almost have to laugh.. or cry... hmmm.

So I did my usual freak out and then more calmly examined this info in my head and even visualised the surgery taking place in a calm, orderly, highly efficient way..not like a emergency room after a car accident - like you might see on the TV. And after a lovely sleep in ... in my own bed... am feeling better about it all.

You know what ... WHATEVER .. if I have a general and I am woken in recovery with a beaming husband holding a photo of a live baby or perhaps even the 'real thing' and he tells me all is fine with our little one and that I also still have a uterus intact. Well thats a pretty good day out isn't it.

Its amazing how the line just changes and you just keep 'dealing with it'. I must be tougher than I ever thought.

Now I have a pile of about 8 DVD's to keep me on the couch...so off I go. xxx

First Blood - Part 1

2009-01-06T06:12:00.002+10:00

Well not quite taken from a scene from Rambo..but Sunday morning woke up to "oooww I am peeing myself must do more PF excercises" put hand down there and its red. Rush to the toilet and had a gush. Not a scary scary one but a bit more than most peoples period one. Ant is up with me and I tell him to wake Luka we are off to the hospital. Had just felt bubby move in bed so was not so much worried as almost excited..maybe we are getting out baby a bit early!!! Anyway to get to the point...its now Tuesday morning and am still in hospital. The loss continued (couple of small clots and like a period..until Sunday evening and then nothing its just 'brown town now' - sorry the details are so friendly heee.
So have had a very comprehensive scan with biophysical profile stuff in it..and all very good. Nothing sinister looking at all. And bub a good size at 33wk 5 days 2.5kg or about 5lb 7. Have had the 2 steroid shots to mature lungs in case things escalated and been on the CTG every 6 hours and baby behaving perfectly lots of movement and great heart rate - responding at the right times etc..they happy. As you can see I am quite upbeat at present mainly due to getting some SLEEP (discovered am allowed some sleeping tabs and bought ear plugs) Praise be to the Temazapan god!!!) First night had only 2 hours tossing turning stressing and just uncomfortable noisy hospital rooms - oh and did I mention that I am in post labour maternity wards - yes thats right with mums and babies and about 6 rooms away from where i spent 6 long arduous toughest nights of my life 14 months ago. GRRRR...GOD. So couple of massive 'silent' sobs into my pillow first afternoon/evening. It was all just way too familiar..the smells, sounds and here I am IN THIS PLACE again and No baby... At least they had the consideration to put me in with 2 mums that babies are in special care..not scary NICU but born around 33 - 34 weeks so will be home in a week or so...although during the night that changed and a Mum and new baby girl arrived across from me. Always a bit better that its a girl though for me - silly huh.
So anyway goal for today is to get this CALLED by the head ob Lee who is visiting me. Yes you have placenta previa and it WILL be a caesaerean .. and then I want a finish line..and a date in a calender to strive for. Wish me luck and thanks for you support beautiful girls.

Happy New Year from the bitter and twisted..

2009-01-03T08:42:00.003+10:00

I love a New year and I am most pleased to see the back of 2008. Cannot believe that I am here well into my last trimester and hopefully bringing a baby home in a few weeks. This really is a form of torture though...the days drag and I am SO aware of how many days till this milestone or how many days to that event which will help time pass. However I am busy helping launch our new business and putting the finishing touches on the website and starting some internet and RL marketing. So am expecting 2009 will be quite a nice financial year..thats one thing huh..but of course all rather insignificant compared to the REAL goal of 09.

I remember earlier in this pregnancy I wrote that I would do things a bit differently and part of that involved getting the room ready earlier etc...well up until a week ago had basically done NOTHING. Denial, terror, laziness - all of the above. However over the last days have bought a nice white cot, a swish baby carrier and have even started sorting though some clothes and toys etc.. So ever so slowly I am starting to face the possibility that I might get a little baby again. Sigh!!

Yesterday while reading the paper over breakfast I had a spontaneous sob - its weird how they just side swipe you. They had this big article on the 3 YES 3..new babies that had been born on the side of roads on the way to hospital in my city on New Years day. And each family gushed about how amazing it had been, and how overwhelming and exciting. And the tears just flowed..and the old familiar feelings. Why do they get their baby? Why did I not get my happy ending. How happy and naive and joyful they are and HOW LUCKY. But of course it passed fairly quickly and I regrouped and "got on" with my day.

Then later in the afternoon, Ant came home and said I am not sure if I should tell you this..and of course proceeded to tell me anyway...about a couple that we have not had much to do with over the years, however the husband David saved Antonys life when they were early 20's (another long story) and they recently reconnected. Well we have been to there place for dinner once and they came to ours and they are very nice people (but a little straight for me) Anyway she has had her 2nd baby on New Years day she is a week ahead of me so the baby has come 6 weeks early and he is healthy and fine a bit over 5lbs. He is a little brother for their other cute little son about 17 months .. ( and my Noah would have been 14 months today) .
So of course what does any normal dead baby mama think about such news. Do warm loving feeling flood her body...well NO more like hot flashes of ENVY, and almost despair that someone else has got their 2 babies and I still have not gone my 1.
This is actually the 2nd couple in our midst that has done this over the last couple of weeks. We casually know another couple that had a little boy a few days after Noah died and also just popped out the 2nd kid around Christmas. How fucking clever!!!!!

Its just so hard this WHOLE journey...I want to wake up when its over. If anyone can find me an article to back up the idea that guzzling a bottle of wine is BENEFICIAL to the unborn child I would be most grateful.

One day at a time...

Merry Christmas to All

2008-12-25T09:43:00.002+10:00

Well we woke early in this house all excited to share our gifts with each other. And I got 'the nicest gift' from my sweetheart. A beautiful sketched picture of our Noah, beautifully framed and it is taking pride of place on our living room wall. I LOVE IT. His Aunt did it and she is a professional artist and she said to him a few tears were shed completely the work from photos we have. Well I can also say a few tears were shed upon opening it too. We have been teary and a bit emotional this morning...I can't stop admiring my beautiful son and this is intermingled with a very excited 11 year old and her new IPod Nano etc and some strong kicks into my ribs from within.... Its a strange kind of day isn't it...the happy with the sad...

To all of you at your very different stages on this journey, for some it is your first Christmas without your little person for others this is a familiar feeling, though I hope not as raw as the first one. Whatever, wherever, however...I wish you all the peace and comfort and love that I can send.

30 weeks today and sane

2008-12-11T10:42:00.002+10:00

A milestone reached!! Into the 30's and feeling heaps better than my last mental post. In fact I had a couple of hideous teary, anxious days and then something just snapped. I think I just got sick of feeling sick..so made the decision that I am just going to not be so anxious and scared and so far its working. Just feel a lot more balanced than before.

It amazing how the line in the sand just keeps changing - however now I could honestly say I have come to terms with likely caesarean and possible prem baby and I AM OK. Its already been hard, it will continue to be hard, a few more hurdles are not going to destroy me. The goal is to bring a baby home and thats just what I am going to focus on.

Am back seeing my acupuncturist weekly and she is a natural therapist with 20 yrs experience, that only deals with all things related to fertility, pregnancy, birth etc and she said she has still seen placentas move from 28 wks to be ok at 34 and has given me some more herbs to assist with this, plus a session of her magical needles that I do love. Now I am not 'expecting this news' think better for me to adjust to the C section etc - but it may be a nice suprise.

Next ob visit the 16th - scan on the 20th and then back to ob on the 30th to discuss the finding of the previous scan. So for now I enjoy summer, swimming and feasting on salads and seafood, tropical fruits and all the fun an Aussie Xmas brings AND i wait.

Not a happy lady

2008-12-03T08:09:00.002+10:00

OK went to the doctor yesterday the senior ob Lee did not see me but one of her small team another ob woman who I have not met before. She seemed a little bit casual at first but once I insist on going over things, getting out my list of questions, talking about Noah, sounding anxious and frantic she definitely gave me plenty of time and consideration. Shame you sometimes have to push it to get the attention but as long as you get there in the end.
So my placenta is currently a grade III previa (half covering cervix) - and in her words not looking like it will move. However they won't officially talk caesarean until 34 weeks (early Jan)
From now on I see an ob every 2 weeks (pretty standard for 3rd trimester) plus they will do a scan again at 31 weeks and again 34 weeks.
She said gentle exercise is fine - just no squats with weights kinda stuff .. which I would not be doing anyway PLUS I have decided that husband and I can have a "play" but no penetration sex.
Of course I must watch out for a bleed and even if a tinge to go straight in and if I have pain or anything of course the same. If placenta does not move - chance of bleed after 34 weeks is about 50%. Some of the other random things that she mentioned was they may start giving me steroids next visit and that "the obs like anything over 2kg" (about 4lbs 4oz) - anything being my baby.
I must say during the first 10 mins of this appointment I was almost narcy..just sounding a bit sarcastic and basically angry. So after all of this info and lots of questions from me..I had to add so one more thing cos of course it can't get any more COMPLEX. BUT if I have a caesarean I know that I have an anterior placenta - what do you do then?? She said well they just cut through it and get bub - no risk to bub - but YOU have a much bigger chance of a big bleed like 1-1.5litres so they have to deal with that promptly or worst case hysterectomy time AAAHAHAH

So let me summarise and excuse the angry whinging BUT.

Placenta Previa - that will probably remain so
Increased Risk of bleeds and all the hazards to bub and me that brings
Caesearean
Reasonable chance of Post Partum Haemorrage (especially as had one with Noah)
Slim chance of Hysterectomy
Good chance of Premmie baby

AND GREAT CHANCE OF MENTAL HOSPITAL FOR MUMMY.

I just don't know how I am going to do this!!! I can't believe I entered this pregnancy not so much high risk as "special care" due to emotional trauma and the frightening realisation that baby's die from many different causes...and NOW i am looking very much like high risk for actual medical reasons to add to the emotional scars. So woke about a dozen times during night to wipe and check and check and felt the most anxious I have in ages, tried to cry to get some relief and it was pathetic and half hearted. So just tried to breathe slowly and close my mouth to not 'overbreathe' and stared around the room. Horrible.

I am just terrified that I AM THE ONE, the horror story that we are all so afraid of. That my story will fuck up and I just don't think I, my marriage, my life would survive losing this much loved child. If i could just cut a deal but BE GUARANTEED the living baby at the end. Can I please just get to 33-34 weeks and I promise I can handle the caesaeran (piece of cake) some wringing of hands around a slightly premmie baby, expressing madly and having to wait to bring them home (no fun at all but at least they alive) hell I'll haemorrage and have a blood trans. (Been there done that)..JUST PLEASE GET ME MY BABY.

Placenta not playing nice.

2008-11-28T14:57:00.004+10:00

This morning had a scan to check on beautiful baby and my placenta. I am 28 weeks and little one is looking good. Measuring about 1.3kg (2.8lbs) which is a little chunky for this stage. Plus good fluid, great cord blood flow etc etc. So was very happy and relieved to see and hear all that. HOWEVER my placenta is still low and appears to actually cover my cervix a little. I have called my doctor to get her opinion on the scan results and her advice for this stage but no reply as yet.
So until I talk to her I won't "call it" placenta praevia but its looking like its not going to move. BLOODY HELL.

So if it was 'just' that I need to have a C section then I would adjust my head to this idea and of course would just deal with it. Anything for a healthy live baby and healthy Mum right!! But its not just that..google this condition people and you will discover it makes me "high risk" as if having a dead baby last time was not "high risk enough". Greater risks of bleeds, and placental abruptions and other such fun stuff.
I have had my big cry session but I am trying to 'wait' until I talk to Dr Lee until I start to worry too much.

Any ideas or advice or some fabulous outcome stories would be great. Please can you guys cheer me up.

Eyes Open

2008-11-17T15:51:00.003+10:00

Well things sure are interesting being pregnant after surviving a 3rd trimester loss. Some days go by fairly quickly and other times it seems to be SO SLOW and that finish line just so far away. I really don't know how I am going to get through the many weeks ahead. I was reading that at this stage 26weeks 'babies eyes are opening' - how sweet, how amazing. And all I can think of is 'please stay open'. My dear friend K is 'getting her baby tomorrow' and I am SO excited for her. I just cannot imagine the anxiety to be that close. But it also gives me such encouragement to just plod along one day at a time and soon enough, hopefully it will be my turn, my happy ending.

Surviving 1st Birthdays's

2008-11-07T09:47:00.004+10:00

Well my little one, your Mummy got through a rather hard week. Missing you more than ever and wishing she could be watching your toothy grin as you squealed with delight over cake and presents. Or hey maybe you would just be more interested in playing with the paper and in the box than with those new toys and books.
I love you little darling boy. I miss you.

Bits and Pieces

2008-10-27T08:43:00.003+10:00

YAY...I get to have a ramble too. Thanks K.

1. Where is your cell phone? Beside my bed
2. Where is your significant other? At work
3. Your hair color? Auburn
4. Your mother? Unconditional

5. Your father? Soppy

6. Your favorite thing? Eating

7. Your dream last night? Scary

8. Your dream/goal? Little Eyes open

9. The room you’re in? Lovely

10. Your hobby? Talking

11. Your fear? The words "I'm sorry"......

12. Where do you want to be in six years? Everywhere

13. Where were you last night? Home

14. What you’re not? A wallflower

15. One of your wish list items? Organic vegie garden

16. Where you grew up? Australia

17. The last thing you did? Egg on Toast

18. What are you wearing? Gym clothes

19. Your T.V.? Handy

20. Your pet? Crazy cat lady

21. Your computer? Essential

22. Your mood? Hopeful

23. Missing someone? Gently

24. Your car? Zippy

25. Something you’re not wearing? Make up

26. Favorite store? Funky

27. Your Summer? Coming

28. Love someone? Big time

29. Your favorite color? Purple

30. When is the last time you laughed? Yesterday

31. Last time you cried? Oct 15th

Big sister love

2008-10-14T20:06:00.002+10:00

This is my daughters contribution to the monthly newsletter of our local 'Still Birth Support Group Org' As Noah's birthday is coming up we have been allocated a page to share our feelings and thoughts. She wrote this a couple of weeks after he died on beautiful butterfly paper that she carefully selected.

Noah I really love you, I hope you can hear me because of course this is true.
Noah I just want to tell you that I love you and I always will.
I saw you grow up in my mummy's tummy.
I guess you were just not ready.
Everyday I will come and talk to you. Even bring a secret or two.
We made you a beautiful garden so you can rest.
We gave you your name because it means 'peaceful and restful"
I'll remember the perfect name for my little brother Noah.
Noah I really do love you. Happy 1st Birthday Your big sister Luka xxoox

Happy one minute - sobbing the next

2008-09-26T18:10:00.003+10:00

Well we saw our little one a few hours ago and they were very pleased with bub. Anatomy results were all excellent and in general it all appears really positive. One healthy little baby. Except for this placenta which is low lying or partially crossing my cervix. I have not had a doctor appointment with this scan, just saw a radiographer who takes his/her findings to the clinics doctor who writes a report which is sent to your ob or midwife or whoever you use. So what started as some concern as we left the scan has slowly escalated. I have managed to shriek at my husband and he has fled to his friends house for awhile with L in tow, I then have wandered around the house crying and wailing like I have not for quite a while. My god I am so scared, I know that the majority of placentas move up as the uterus expands but what if mine doesn't. I must say the hysterics, some frantic book reading and then some Dr Google has helped somewhat and brought me back to earth. Almost always this condition rectifies itself. But I have been on the shit end of the odds before. GRRRRR... I just want to catch a break!! Is that too MUCH TO ASK. I just feel so ANGRY. I want to smash things but then I would have to sweep them up and replace them DUR!!!

I know that even with L the placenta was low at the 20 week scan and yet had moved up by late pregnancy so I could and did push her out. I don't even remember being really concerned about it, in fact had forgotten it totally until I read my pregnancy journal that I wrote for her.

But hey thats back when I was an innocent schmuck. Now I am just a frightened, vulnerable fuckin nutcase. And it all involves just WAITING. Waiting to get pregnant, waiting for the baby to be born, waiting to recover from your goddam D and C's or from the horror of stillbirth, waiting to not feel so shit, waiting to recover, waiting to conceive again, waiting for your period. I am SO tired today of waiting.. and yet thats what I am going to have to do.

I just hope more than anything the wait is worth it...

Riding the waves

2008-09-21T14:49:00.003+10:00

Well its hard to believe but the weeks are passing and I am getting there - nearly half way. This pregnancy is so far a breeze..as really my other 2 have been. If you ignore the deadly baby killing virus that I was none the wiser about. All is looking fine so far the only thing to keep an eye on is a low lying placenta that will hopefully rectify itself. The fact that it is all so routine is of course comforting and yet also kinda eerie. Will i know if something is going wrong this time and ACT. I know I just have to breathe through the manic moments and follow my instincts and get the best care and attention I can.
I am also trying to do 'different things' this pregnancy - superstitious lot us dead baby mums can be. Had not yet bought a cot and other baby furniture for Noah, so am planning to do that over the next few weeks and have the room set up probably by 3rd trimester. Also plan on finishing work a couple of weeks later than I did last time. Small stuff perhaps but helps my head. Also we have found out the sex "sorry my little secret" which I have never done before. We really just could not wait! Funny that..its like being pregnant for EVER...when you don't get to bring one home.
Mantra to self - Most babies LIVE, Most babies LIVE ... it really is one day at a time.

This one wants to stick

2008-08-12T18:17:00.002+10:00

Have just had my 3 month scan today and it reveals a very healthy active wriggling baby. With a heartbeat (always my favourite bit). I am so relieved to find someone in there although as I am already looking pregnant I did suspect things might be working out. But wow its good to have confirmation that I have got past this first hill. With a few mountains still to cross. But you know I have decided that I am just going to enjoy this experience (well try my very best) and expect good things for this little one. So for today as least I am happy.