zindagi migzara

2008-10-21T22:12:00.000-05:00

have I reached the burnout point?

back from Jordan

2008-08-31T18:48:00.003-05:00

I've been back in the States for about a week now, and overall, it's good to be back. I've been so busy already that I unfortunately haven't even had much time to reflect on the past three months! And it's undoubtful that things will be slowing down anytime soon...

I miss things about Jordan though: the song the gas truck plays, my roommates, LC Amman hangouts, hearing the call to prayer 5 times a day, and random weekend trips.

I do NOT miss Gloria Jean's, slow internet, cockroaches, and the stomach after-effects of felafel :-P

And I really really do miss the gas trucks. They had the ability to make me instantly happy.

2008-08-19T01:53:00.002-05:00

I'm going home in 5 days. I am more than ready.

I'm currently sitting in my office at work. There are about 10 other people here all yelling at each other in Arabic. I have no idea what they are saying except that I intermittenly hear my boss' name.

So much yelling. Alllll the time. I feel like I'm caught in the middle of two parents on the brink of divorce.

"rogue Islamic state"?

2008-08-10T09:22:00.004-05:00

I went to Syria this weekend, a country that is only 1 hour from Amman. But in the eyes of American foreign policy, the two could not be further apart. Jordan is the third largest receiver of American aid money (after, ironically, Israel), while sanctions have been placed against Syria preventing any sort of economic interaction between it and the US, because of it's alleged support for some terrorist organizations. George Bush called Syria a "rogue Islamic state" (whatever that means).

The Baath Party has been in power in Syria since the 60's or 70's and the President, Bashar al Assad was re-elected in a referendum (unopposed) to his second 7-year term. Syrians enjoy very little freedom of speech and almost all media is controlled by the state. Hezbollah, Islamic Jihad and Hamas (viewed by the US and the UN to be terrorist groups) all operate and seek refuge in Syria, however I didn't see any evidence of this during my stay.

The Syrians I met were, like most people from the Levant, extremely welcoming and hospitable, no matter what your country of origin. Also like many people from the Levant, many Syrian residents are of Palestinian origin who have been displaced to surrounding countries with the creation of Israel. Friday night we went and had tea with Alia's uncle, and inevitably the issue of the Jewish state came up. Alia's uncle is originally Palestinian, and he said, "one day Jerusalem will again be in the hands of the Christians and the Muslims". I responded with an "inshallah", which seemed appropriate, and he responded with a "no! Jerusalem WILL be for the Muslims and Christians!" No inshallah there!

Where I did encounter some problems with my American-ness was at the Jordan-Syria border. Technically, I was supposed to get a Syrian visa through the Syrian embassy in the States before I had left. However, I had heard through the grapevine that visas were usually available at the border. Since Isabel was in the same position, we decided to go for it. We knew we'd regret it if we didn't.

Theoretically, Isabel (a Canadian) and I should have gotten our visas at the same time since we were both from countries that had diplomatic representation. The third person in our group, my friend and co-worker Alia, had a Jordanian passport and UAE residency so we knew it wouldn't be a problem for her. Alia got stamped in 5 minutes and Isabel ended up getting her visa in 30 minutes.

8 hours later, plus about 4 bottles of water, a bag of sour gummy bears from the duty-free shop, and several words of frustration, I finally got my visa. Apparently giving an American a visa on arrival wasn't exactly the priority of the immigration officers. Thankfully Alia and Isabel are sweethearts and waited patiently with me while we played with the children of the 2,352,123,123 Gulfies going to Syria for vacation...

Since we were only going to be in Syria for one full day we only had time to go to Damascus. But how amazing it was. Damascus was everything that I thought Jerusalem would be: old, authentic, enchanting, exuding history and holiness. When I was in Jerusalem I could tell it used to have these qualities- but the Jerusalem I saw was fabricated, touristy, and at times almost cheesy. Too many rich kids on Birthright trying to discover their persecuted past, and not enough people who lived that past.

I was enchanted from the first walk from our hotel to the old city. We stopped at a small stand selling nothing but pure berry juice. Alia and I each got a cup and it was amazing..perfectly sweet and natural. Then we walked into the ancient covered Souq al Hamidiyya. The holes in the ceiling cast beautiful rays of light onto the floor, and people...were EVERYWHERE. It was wonderfully crowded and I enjoyed pushing and shoving for a change :) And the shops were amazing. The US government may have no economic ties with Syria, but I definitely left my dollars there...

We spent Friday afternoon listening to the khutba in the Umayaad Mosque- one of the oldest places of Islamic worship in the world. The courtyard was filled with families lunching, kids sliding on the slippery marble floors, and people just sitting enjoying their afternoon. It truly was a place of community. It reminded me of the woman that pulled out a whole picnic for her and her kids in the back of the Masjid al-Aqsa. I like it when places of worship are also places to hang out- I think that's how it should be.

We also went to a nearby Shia mosque, for Imam Husayn's daughter Ruqaiyya. It was the most ostentatious and over the top, but incredibly beautiful, mosque I've ever seen. The ceilings were entirely covered with crystal, and the floor was carpeted with intricate Persian rugs. The walls were made up of probably every color of the rainbow, but most notable were the striking bright blue tiles. It was filled with hundreds of Shias paying their respects. We also saw the tranquil Azem Palace where we sat and hung around till closing, and wandered around the Swefieh-like (and super super crowded) Christian quarter. This had some of the oldest churches in the world and when we went into one, it was a bit surreal to see the stained glass windows accompanied with Arabic calligraphy :)

Friday night we went to a rooftop restaurant next to the Umyaad Mosque and ate, drank tea, and smoked shisha till midnight. It was a good day.

Oh...and the FOOD! EVERYTHING we had was great. If you haven't had lazy cake- go to your nearest bakery immediately and demand they make you some! Chicken shawarma, berry juice, sweets, shish tawook- everything was great.

Damascus was filled with people from all over the world and from so many religions. Sunnis, Shias, Christains, Druze...and we saw Syrians, Jordanians, Lebanese, Saudis, Kuwaitis, Emiratis, Qataris, Bahrainis, Palestinians, Afghanis, Iraqis, Armenians, Pakistanis, Indians, Iranis (lots and lots of Iranis), Mongolians, Sri Lankans, Philipinos, Indonesians, Malaysians, Chinese, Americans, Canadians, Dutch, French...and probably lots more.

It definitely was more conservative that Jordan: almost all women wore not just hijab but abaya, and a large number of those also wore niqaab, showing only the eyes. I saw more women covering even their faces in my two days in Syria than I have in three months in Jordan. Also, we could tell it was a strange sight for three unaccompanied girls to be walking around late at night: something we take for granted in Amman. In addition, there were even more posters and billboard of the president with "I believe in Syria!" messages than there are of King Abdullah in Jordan.

And Syria has its problems for sure: it's actually been in a state of "emergency" rule for many decades: this means that Syrians technically have any of the rights guaranteed to them in the Constitution. It is required that the President be a Muslim, but there is no official religion (an interesting contrast). There's very little freedom of speech and almost all media is controlled by the state. Corruption is high and much of the economy is state-run but extremely under-performing. I noticed that anti-Israeli sentiment was much higher in Syria, but religious tolerance seemed pretty high: Syria is about 80% Sunni Muslim, 12% Christian, with the remaining 8% being comprised of mainly Shias, Alawis, and Druze.

But in conclusion: Do not believe everything the US State Department fact sheet tells you. And go to Syria.

2008-08-06T14:20:00.000-05:00

I wish I was in Madison right now:

Dear AIESECers,

Over the last twelve years, the leaders of AIESEC U.S. (both staff and students) have dreamt of, envisioned and pursued an AIESEC that was bigger and better from that which they first joined. These leaders have consistently envisioned an AIESEC that was a household name, did thousands of quality exchanges a year, provided students with unparalleled cultural and professional opportunities, and that truly, on a large scale, helped to create international understanding and cooperation. To that end, the AIESEC U.S. leadership (past and present) has put in an uncanny amount of hard work, energy, and passion into building a viable organization capable of supporting such an incredible and achievable vision.

This vision was nearly achieved. However, for a number of reasons, the officers and senior team of AIESEC U.S. have found themselves in a place where achieving the vision is no longer possible within the existing current conditions. Due to the actions taken in recent months by some of the US membership, AIESEC International, their Supervisory Group, and the AIESEC US Board of Directors we believe the only choice is for us to transition out. There is no viable way to continue the effort. We have offered to the AIESEC US Board of Directors a transition plan so that AIESEC US is not at risk.

While this is unfortunate and disappointing for all of us, we want to thank everyone who has supported the pursuit of the AIESEC that we all thought was possible. That includes everyone within AIESEC U.S., alumni, and our external support. Furthermore, we want to thank those leaders that came before us for the opportunity that you gave us to continue pursuing this vision.

We wish the best for AIESEC U.S.

Sincerely,

Carly Lewis

Andrew Martin

Paul Fawell

Ashlee Moore

Michelle Schifrin

Dana Matl

2008-07-28T01:34:00.004-05:00

I forgot that I might see,
So many beautful things.

I forgot that I might need,
to find out what life could bring.

2008-07-24T01:31:00.002-05:00

7/25-7/26: Wadi Rum.

7/31-8/2: DISTANT HEAT- Wadi Rum & Aqaba.

8/7-8/10: Damascus, inshallah.

8/24: pack up my Jordanian life, board British Airways flight 7514.

8/25: arrive in Chicago, pack up life again.

8/26: back in Champaign and back to the grind.

Jordan, one month from today I will miss you.

Champaign, I'm almost back.

where did the time go?

2008-07-13T13:36:00.002-05:00

All of a sudden its July 13. I arrived in Jordan May 21 and now I've been here almost 2 months? I can't believe I'm already almost 2/3 done with my traineeship.

Whenever I travel somewhere I have to wait until I get back home to understand anything about the experience I've just had, and I know it will be the same with Jordan. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to take back from this experience. At times it's been very very good, at other times not so wonderful. But overall I'm very glad I decided to do a traineeship this semester.

My job has been pretty good, but I think the best thing so far about my experience in Jordan has honestly been the @ers here. The past two months have given me a renewed passion for my @ work back home, when I was feeling very frustrated and disenchanted at the end of the first half of my EB term.

But the @ers here have so much passion. I know our members have that passion too, and that's why I love our LC so much. I just think I had become a bit jaded to everything...and this summer has helped me get that back.

So despite all the craziness going on lately in @, I feel hopeful.

Not to mention, an unexpected vacation last week definitely helped :) On verra inshallah.

2008-06-30T13:03:00.001-05:00

It's amazing how everything can change so fast.

Also, a shout out to @Jordan for hosting an amazing national planning conference this past weekend. It was truly one of the best conferences I've been to. Great sessions and a truly inspirational closing plenary...

2008-06-23T09:27:00.002-05:00

India baby girl deaths 'increase'

There is a cultural preference for male children in India

The number of girls born and surviving in India has hit an all time low compared to boys, ActionAid says.

A report by the UK charity says increasing numbers of female foetuses were being aborted and baby girls deliberately neglected and left to die.

In one site in the Punjab state, there are just 300 girls to every 1,000 boys among higher caste families, it says.

ActionAid says India faces a "bleak" future if it does not end its practice of cultural preference for boys.

Girls 'condemned'

ActionAid teamed up with Canada's International Development Research Centre (IDRC) to produce the Disappearing Daughters report.

More than 6,000 households in sites across five states in north-western India were interviewed and statistical comparisons were made with national census date.

The real horror of the situation is that for women avoiding having daughters is a rational choice

Laura Turquet, ActionAid

Under "normal" circumstances, there should be about 950 girls for every 1,000 boys, the charity said.

But it said that in three of the five sites, that number was below 800.

In four of the five sites surveyed, the proportion of girls to boys had declined since a 2001 census, the report said.

The research also found that ratios of girls to boys were declining fastest in comparatively prosperous urban areas.

ActionAid suggested the increasing use of ultrasound technology may be a factor in the trend.

The document says that Indian woman are put under intense pressure to produce sons, in a culture that predominantly views girls as a burden rather than an asset.

It says many families now use ultrasound scans and abort female foetuses, despite the existence of the 1994 law banning gender selection and selective abortion.

The charity also blames other illegal practices - such as allowing the umbilical cord to become infected - for the growing gender imbalance.

"The real horror of the situation is that, for women, avoiding having daughters is a rational choice. But for wider society it's creating an appalling and desperate state of affairs," Laura Turquet, women's rights policy official at ActionAid said.

"In the long term, cultural attitudes need to change. India must address economic and social barriers including property rights, marriage dowries and gender roles that condemn girls before they are even born.

"If we don't act now the future looks bleak," Ms Turquet said.

Some 10 million female foetuses have been aborted in India in the past 20 years, the British medical journal the Lancet has said.

Almost a year ago that I left for Delhi...and this issue is still what captures me the most. What makes me want to go back this second. A country with so many things going right...and so much going wrong.

2008-06-19T03:57:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I went back to Kafrein to continue investigating the status of the 30 loans we gave out. The rest of the day proved to be a real wake-up call into the world of development. We arrived in the village early in the morning and after asking some school boys where the home of our first recipient was, entered Nadia's small home. But we soon found out that it wasn't Nadia's home, and it wasn't really her loan either. Almost immediately after we walked through the door, Nadia's father-in-law started talking in great detail about a visit one of the Princesses made to his home more than 10 years ago. To him, it seemed as though it was just yesterday. Finally we coaxed everyone into sitting on the floor so we could actually discuss Nadia's progress with her shop, which rented supplies for weddings such as chairs, tablecloths, etc. Nadia and her sister sat in the corner of the room, and her father-in-law did the rest of the talking.

Apparently he had decided that instead of renting wedding supplies, the money should be put towards opening a grocery store. But soon he realized that 1200 JD was much to little to open a grocery store, so he sold his taxi and used that plus the 1200 JD to buy a new truck. He told us that he now uses the truck to transport vegetables and fruits from the Dead Sea Valley (where Kafrein is located) to sell in Amman, and is making a profit.

However, Nadia is 6 months late on paying back her loan. We asked her father-in-law why, if he was making such a great profit transporting vegetables (and how he is doing so with rising fuel costs in Jordan I have no idea), why have they not been making their monthly payments? As soon as Suhair asked him this, he stood up in a fury and started yelling and getting defensive, even storming out of the house to "look for receipts". He came back with a stack of papers, and sifted through them nervously claiming that he had been paying, and that he had the receipts to prove it.

We never saw any receipts.

During this whole episode, Nadia sat in the corner, saying nothing. Letting her father-in-law make decisions with her money. He wasn't even speaking for her- he was speaking for himself. It was known all along that Nadia's gender would be used to get that 1200 JD loan- and then he would use the money as he wished.

The loan is in Nadia's name, so it is she that has been called, bothered, and punished for not paying back the money.

As we tried to leave the home, the father-in-law began talking about his visit from the Princess, again, over 10 years ago.

After leaving, we tried to visit about 9 other homes. All told us that the loan recipient wasn't there, was visiting her parents in another town, or simply just didn't answer the door. One even lied to us and said that we had the wrong home, and no one by that name ever lived there.

Our system of giving out loans is obviously quite flawed- we basically set them up to lie. All applicants had to submit a business plan before the money was disbursed, but these were treated just as a formality. We gave them no training on how to run a business, and no support network to lean on. But once the money we disbursed, it was theirs- and they could do as they wished with it.

I hate to be pessimistic, but sometimes I just get so frustrated because status and name are so damn important in Jordan. The guy was visited by a princess over 10 years ago- and that was the only thing he could talk about as his daughter-in-law and granddaughter silently suffered in the corner.

a bit about my job

2008-06-15T01:36:00.003-05:00

I've been in Amman for almost a month now, and I realized I really haven't talked about what I do at my job at all. I work for an organization called JOHUD, which stands for the Jordanian Hashemite Fund for Human Development. JOHUD is the largest NGO in Jordan and is kind of an umbrella organization- we have a main office in Amman and then several smaller offices and CDCs (community development centers) around the country. Our basic mission is to promote sustainable human rights, by creating opportunities for the most marginalized members of Jordanian society. We especially focus on women, children, people with disabilities, and rural communities.

I don't work in the main office- I work in one of the smaller offices in Amman- Beit al Bawadi. Beit al Bawadi is one of JOHUDs projects to create sustainable development. Beit al Bawadi is a high quality, very expensive ceramics shop, where customers can buy beautiful handmade ceramics with intricate Arabic calligraphy. It caters to internationals and Jordanian elite, but the catch is that all the ceramics are made in the JOHUD factory by people that otherwise wouldn't have been given the opportunity to have a job.

I came into the company with a job description that included public relations and marketing, but what I've actually been doing has been quite different. My boss knows that I'm more interested in actual development than marketing strategies, so she's given me some pretty cool things to work on. Right now I'm working on a project evaluating the success of about 30 microfinance loans we gave to poor rural women in a small village near the Dead Sea. I went to the village, called Kafrein- about 20 minutes from the site of Jesus' baptism on the Jordan river- and met and talked to some of the women who had received these loans of about 1000 JD ($1300). I was shown three shops: a hairdresser, a clothing shop, and a shop that sold basic homewares. Of course, the problem is that I can only see the successful side of the project. We have information on the women who successfully started a business and have improved their lives, but the vast majority of the loans were not used for their original purpose. And it makes sense: anyone in dire need of finances isn't going to spend a large sum of money on investment, they're going to spend it on immediate needs like food and clothing. I've learned that this whole microfinance crazy is just that, a craze. Of course we hear the success stories, about the poor woman in India who rented out her cell phone to other villagers and is now a thriving business woman. But we don't hear about the hundreds, maybe thousands, of people who receive loans and don't put it towards a business, eventually sinking even deeper into debt because now on top of everything else, they have a loan they can't pay back. And even when the money is put towards some kind of business, it's always the same thing: a hairdresser, a grocery store, a bakery, etc etc. This isn't sustainable. All of our loans were given out to women, and that brings an even bigger issue into light. Many of the women in Kafrein couldn't use the money towards a business because they simply did not have the power in their family to do so. To deny the fact that many rural Jordanian women have little to no say in their family affairs is simply ignorant. In many of the interviews I took, each woman was asked how much support she got from her husband in her business ventures. Almost all gave the same, automatic answer: My husband helps and supports me very much. But it also came out in many of the interviews that the husband didn't have a job, spent money on useless things in Amman, or wanted to use the money to build something relatively unnecessary (but status raising) like an addition to the house. In other words, they said their husbands were helpful and supportive, but their actions showed something much different.

What is needed in these situations isn't just money, it's a network. Many women in rural communities interact only with their husband, mother in law, and children. Any outside support and interaction often just doesn't exist. Of course, I am only an outsider, so I will always only see a limited part of the whole story. But what I've seen so far has probably taught me more about development than any sociology or anth class at U of I.

old friends in new places

2008-06-10T01:22:00.002-05:00

I was thrilled when I checked my facebook last week and found a message from my dear dear friend Lindsey- my travel buddy, confidante, and everything else in India. I can't count the number of times that girl and I almost died together in good ol' Hindustan- whether it was (unknowlingly) almost crossing the border into Pakistan, having a firecracker go off 4 feet from our faces on a cycle rickshaw in the Chawri Bazaar, or most infamously, getting literally pushed off a moving bus into a crowd of men in Moradabad and having to hide in the women's bathroom until Parul-ji came and found us. We've been literally and figuratively everywhere together and I consider her one of my closest friends. She's the type of person that I could go months without talking to and then have the best conversation ever about random stuff. So you can imagine that I was really excited when she told me that her recent Israel-Palestine travels would also be taking her to Jordan, and that she would be in Amman on Saturday. I couldn't wait to see her.

She called me soon after I got back from Petra and told me she was waiting at 1st Circle in the Diplomat Restaurant- a restaurant that a friend of mine had just told me was a popular hangout for Russian prostitutes. And that is where our adventure started. We walked down trendy Rainbow Street for awhile, getting some shawarma and just catching up. Then we decided to head downtown- except I couldn't figure out how to get there. We spent about an hour just trying to find that magic staircase that leads from Jebel Amman to downtown, and it made me realize that this was actually the first time I had really just wandered in Amman. I've been here three weeks, and everytime I leave my apartment, there's been a clear destination. I missed that feeling of just walking and not really knowing where I was going. Even despite my brand new post-Petra sunburn, I didn't mind walking around in the blazing Middle Eastern sun that Saturday. Finally we conceded though, and asked the English-speaking staff in Wild Jordan. We got downtown and walked around for a bit, just as aimlessly. Finally after about 2 hours, we made our way to Jafrah where over the course of 6 hours, 2 margherita pizzas, 4 mint-lemons juices, and 2 nargiles, we just talked. About everything.

Lindsey talked about Israel, and while she loved Jerusalem, she would never go back to Israel. She couldn't stand the "pity me" attitude that pervaded everything. I can't wait to go this summer and experience that myself.

I talked about Jordan, and how I feel safe here, but not comfortable. And about how in India, we felt the opposite. Comfortable, but not safe. I can walk around Amman and know that except for a few stares and the occasional annoying comment from some bored guys, probably nothing will happen to me. But I don't feel comfortable. I don't feel at ease. I spend every day wondering what's going to come next, what I'm going to do when this person leaves, where am I going to live in a couple weeks, and what's going on with everyone back home. I have yet to really feel relaxed. My mind has been running on overdrive the past three weeks, and because of that I've (hopefully temporarily) lost that reason for why I'm here. I've never been alone before like I am here, and it's tough. I read blog posts and have conversations with friends in other countries, who live in these huge houses bursting with trainees, things to do every night, never alone. It's not like that here in Jordan. I'm sure it sounds like I'm complaining, but I'm really not. I'm jealous of my friends that are being constantly stimulated in other countries, but at the same time, I'm excited to finally learn how to entertain myself, read some good books, and really rely on myself. Because that's what it all comes down to, right?

But at the same time, there's no point in cutting off things from home. It's home for a reason- that's why it's there. People and places. If you cut off your relationships from home, trying to build a life completely separate from everything back home, those relationships surely will suffer, no matter how strong things were to begin with. That's just common sense, right?

About how both of us have a yet undefined, but growing trust and belief in something more powerful. I don't know if it's the constant calls to prayer, discussions about religion, books I've read, or just the environment I'm living in that has made me feel this way, but my faith in something really has been what's gotten me through the loneliness these past few weeks. And I felt it more than ever this past weekend at Petra: reaching the top of Jebel Harun maybe the closest to God I've ever felt, except only for the death of my grandmother this past winter. I haven't quite made sense of it yet, but I would like to.

About how much India changed us. It didn't change us as individuals as much as it changed our perspective on the outside world. About how both of us have almost become numb to seeing poverty, hearing those scripted lines from the kids on the street, etc, etc. Yet we both continue to study and be apart of the issue. Here I am working at JOHUD, the largest NGO in Jordan, yet I don't feel sorry for those people that I'm working to help. But for some reason, I keep going in this direction. Is that bad or good? Does anyone really need sympathy? I realize I've become quite jaded.

About how no matter what, things really will be okay. Uncertain futures, relationships, money, still not knowing where I stand on many issues. but it's okay. It's about the journey, not the destination, right?

two weeks down, 11 to go...

2008-06-02T02:28:00.002-05:00

Decided to resurrect this blog, and hopefully it will be transferring to the nomadlife server soon...
This will be more of my rants and raves, as opposed to discussing what I've been seeing/doing in Jordan. So if this blog seems a little whiny at times, TOO BAD! :)

Nothing like a good chat (albeit, online) with someone from back home to make me feel a little better. The past two weeks have been quite a rollercoaster: combine stress at work (trying to impress the seemingly unimpressible Winkie Williamson, my boss), being bored in my apartment, desperately missing people back home, and still struggling to figure out this Jordanian culture, with beautiful weather, great food, one awesome random trip to the Dead Sea, one hilarious night at a gay bar, and a few other great conversations- and I feel as though I've turned manic depressive. One minute I'm so excited to be here, and I can't wait to experience everything Jordan has to offer, and the next minute I'm almost literally counting down the seconds until August 23.

Work has had similar ups and downs- either I'm on my laptop playing solitaire and gchatting, or I'm visiting a tiny village interviewing some of the most marginalized women in Jordanian society- to see if their loans financed by JOHUD are actually working, or if the current microfinance craze is just a trendy illusion (and from what I've gathered so far- it is unfortunately just that).

Last night, I went to a screening of a Syrian film at the Royal Film Commission with a couple of friends. The setting was beautiful- outdoors in the Commission's backyard, overlooking the rest of Jebel Amman and the Balad. At one point, there were even fireworks going off in the distance...if I would have been on a date, it would have been very romantic. Unfortunately, I didn't see much of the movie. There were three rows of people in front of me, and I had to crane my neck so high to see the subtitles that soon I had a horrible neckache and started feeling nauseous. That feeling of nausea brought back memories from those horrible couple of weeks in India- and since I still don't yet feel 100%, my brain immediately started racing with thoughts of the hospital, doctors, and that awful feeling that no one would ever figure out what was wrong with me. With all these thoughts running through my head, I didn't really catch much of the rest of the movie. Afterwards, everyone said it kind of sucked anyways :) But all in all it was a pretty good night in a beautiful setting, with cool people, free popcorn and pop :)

Anyways, after that we walked back to the MC place, where Abeer, Momani, Oksana and a couple others were hanging out with the new MC member (Saba's replacement) who had just arrived that night. Abeer drove us all home and I finally got back to my apartment at around 11:30- which for me, now seems veryy late. I've gotten into a routine of going to bed early and getting up early- I have to because of my job- but it still is quite different from the usual go-to-bed at 3am (usually not even in my own apartment) , wake up at 9 for class, take a nap at some point in the day in between work, class, and @meetings, and then do it all over again. So last night really threw me off my old-person schedule and I woke up pretty tired this morning. After pressing the snooze a couple times, I had a "screw it" moment and decided to sleep another half hour and go to work late. I knew I would get my work done, and no one comes into the office until later anyways...

And I was right. I'm sitting in my office right now, it's 11:15am, and there still is no one in the office. I don't understand this Jordanian work culture. Rand, my other boss, made it a point to tell me that while the JOHUD office has a very laid-back atmosphere, being on time is really important. That couldn't be farther from the truth- I'm supposed to be here from 8-4 every day and I'm almost always the one that opens the place up in the morning and closes it in the afternoon. Yesterday, Rand decided to leave work an hour or so early, told me she'd give me a ride home, then we spent the rest of the afternoon at the vet's office playing with cats. I'm not complaining- I'm glad the times are flexible, but it's just strange when I've been explicitly told one thing and the reality is the complete opposite.

During the past two weeks I really feel as though I've temporarily lost that reason for why I'm here. There's been some good times and some bad times, but I feel as though I'm just living day-to-day and at the moment, I've lost that passion for why I do what I do. Why do I constantly leave my home, my family, and those other people that I love dearly and put myself in these often uncomfortable positions? Maybe I'm just burnt out- I only had a week off at home in between finals at U of I and coming to Jordan. But whatever it is, I just can't find that drive...

I've had multiple people tell me in the past week that I'm so strong for doing what I'm doing, but why can't I feel it?

I'm hopefully going to Petra this weekend, maybe a few good hikes in the Holy Land will inspire me.

2007-08-16T01:20:00.000-05:00

-Security at an Indian movie theater:

After walking through a metal detector, it consists of a full-on pat down and frisking, as well as a thorough investigation of the contents of my bag. Apparently, the cough drops I keep in there are very threatening since I was forced to throw them out. You also are not allowed to bring in cameras and phones must be switched OFF (they actually do check it). At one theater, I even had to give them my phone at the entrance and then pick it up later.

-Security at the Delhi train station:

None.

I survived a week in India!

2007-07-23T09:05:00.000-05:00

So I have officially been here for a little over one week! It is hard to believe that it has only been that long, I feel like I have been here much longer. In just one week so much has happened...

First of all, I will describe our group. There are 19 people in my group, and they go to schools all over the US. Except for Jenny, who goes to U of I with me, and one girl that goes to Purdue, everyone goes to a private school. Most of them are on the East Coast. There are 4 guys and the rest are girls. The house I live in is very nice. There is a main level floor which is where the kitchen and eating area is, as well as the guys' rooms. Then above that is where all us girls live (also, only 11 of us live in the house. The rest are in homestays). Above that, there is a really really nice terrace where we often times sit at night and just talk. There's a really large park right across the street where the neighborhood children are always playing cricket. Also, we have a basement which is kind of a rec room with couches and computers and a TV and DVD player. We've watched a lot of movies on the DVD player but I haven't had a chance to flip thru the channels yet...altho I'm sure I'd find mostly cricket games and Hindi soaps..

Basically, we are very lucky to be living where we are. Yesterday I went into Shahjahanabad, which is you take New Delhi, Shahjahanabad is I guess considered to be "Old Delhi". It is quite different from New Delhi. Streets are twice as narrow, ten times as crowded, and the attention I get from being a white female is hugely magnified. All in all, I can say that nothing I experienced was anything that I wasn't expecting, but it was still quite overwhelming. The level of poverty was like nothing I could have imagined. I didn't feel guilty as much as just incredibly grateful for the life I was born into. It really put everything into perspective and I can't really put it into words.

Despite all of that, Shahjahanabad was very interesting in that it had some of the coolest looking little shops with beautiful clothes and jewelry! Now that I have experienced this part of Delhi, I really want to go back and see some of that stuff. Also, Old Delhi is where most of the historical sites are, like the Purana Qila (Old Fort), Lal Qila (Red Fort) and the Jama Masjid (the Friday Mosque, which is also the largest mosque in India). It is amazing how no matter where I go and where I look out, everything is so incredibly colorful and bright. Trees are everywhere (Delhi is a very green city) and everything is just made out of bright colors. Music is always playing everywhere. And the smells that I encounter never fail to surprise: whether it's cow poop on the street, marigold necklaces being sold as offerings to the Hindu gods, or samosas being deep friend in a dhaba on the roadside.

I keep trying to post pictures, but the internet is kinda slow and the network keeps getting clogged. But I will let everyone know as soon as I can get some up!

PS- India never fails to disappoint in making everyday a new adventure. Every day I cannot count the number of times I think, "well that is something I have NEVER seen before". But nothing compares to this: yesterday while walking around Shahjahanabad, a man came up to us selling beards. Yes, he was selling fake beards! I think they were papier-mache, although it just looked so funny that I couldn't tell. And he was wearing one to demonstrate! It was literally one of the funniest and strangest things I have ever seen in my life!

2007-07-19T11:56:00.000-05:00

So I just got back from the Neeti Bagh "night market" - we went to to get yoga mats- and turned out to be a full fledged night bazaar, complete with- well basically everything you could ever imagine.

Today I bargained hard for two shirts at a market that I REALLY wanted for 200 rupees. The guy wouldn't give it to me for any cheaper, even though I left the store and came back about 15 minutes later...a tactic that I learned rarely fails. But he still wouldn't give it to me for less than 200 rupees. Finally I gave in.

I had to remind myself that 250 rupees is about 5 dollars.

Hindi DOES come in handy: when I was trying to buy the yoga mat, the guy wouldn't give it to me for less than 800 rupees. He just wouldn't go any lower. Once I whipped out a Hindi phrase (I said, lekin meri dost, 600 rupiya ke liye! which means, but my friend got it for 600 rupees!) he was like, "ok ok..I give you good price!!!"

I miss beef. and cool air. and home.

namaste!

2007-07-15T15:29:00.000-05:00

I. am. in. India. Have already seen 20 cows roaming the streets. The air is as thick as syrup. Will write later as soon as I get time!

$1400 later..

2007-05-20T01:18:00.000-05:00

I am officially booked to board a plane...final destination: Indira Gandhi International Airport, New Delhi, India.

July 14.

photos

2007-05-07T14:07:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone!

Since I was not able to post while I was in Morocco and Spain recently, here is at least a link to my photos website. Check out my albums!

http://new.photos.yahoo.com/leia2686/albums

I leave for India July 13. Even though I will be down in my beloved Champaign for a few more months "working" at Krannert, it's so strange walking around there now that things are wrapping up. I keep thinking as I finish finals, the next time I am in a classroom setting it will be in one at Jawaharlal Nehru University in New Delhi...

and I will not be coming home to good ol' Illini Manor or Arlington Heights, but instead ayk bharatiya parivaar..

2007-01-11T07:11:00.000-06:00

I don't think i've ever gone this long with out checking my email.....5 days!!!!

it has been a crazy past few days and just yesterday i realized that i am leaving this city in 2 days!

so the day after i last posted about 11 of us travelled independently to Ephesus, which is a site of Roman ruins in southwestern Turkey. We arranged to have a bus pick us up at out hotel at 10pm the night before and endured a FREEZING 8 hour drive! we got there at about 6am when we woke up to find that we were sitting at a Turkish rest stop on the side of the highway. Apparently our driver was driving so fast that we arrived about 3 hours earlier than expected and our English speaking tour guide wasnt even awake yet! so we sat around there awkwardly until he arrived. then we drive to the site of the ruins, which were awesome. It was so weird to think that we were seeing things that had been built thousands of years ago. the ruins were truly awesome, and the sun coming up and the surrounding mountains made the perfect backdrop. I will definitely post pictures once I get home.

After we left the ruins our guide took us to a local ceramic workshop where they showed us how ceramics were made. that was very cool because ceramics are a deeply rooted art form in Turkey. After we left there we went to the House of Mary, which is the house that the Virgin Mary supposedly lived in until her death. There is no for sure proof of this but it was still very cool to see.

have to go meet the rest of the group for dinner...I will definitely post a ton of pictures when I get home and will describe all the other things we did.

Love, Laura

2007-01-06T09:16:00.000-06:00

the past few days have been quite the whirlwind! and the next few should be equally so. Yesterday we got up at 7:30 am to take a bus to Bursa, which is a historic town in Anatolia (the big asian side of Turkey). It was about a 3 hour drive and we had to take a ferry across the Sea of Marmara to get there. Bursa is one of the former capitals of the Byzantine Empire and is still a very historic city. It is in the mountains which was very beautiful to drive through. Driving through the outskirts of Istanbul and then through the mountains, I felt like we were seeing the real Turkey. Poverty was much more apparent as was western influence. Also, outside of Istanbul almost all women wore hijab, which is the headscarf Muslim women have the option of wearing. In Istanbul, although there are a large number of women that do wear hijab, most don't. But in the more rural areas it is much more conservative and seeing women without one was rare. In fact, after we left a few mosques (where you must wear a headscarf no matter what) I kept mine on just to fit in because I felt like I was being stared at otherwise.

In Bursa we mostly visited some mosques, which like I said are beginning to look all the same). We also had a chance to go to the bazaar. Bursa is famous for its silk and I bought a few silk things, although I can't say what because they are souvenirs for some people :) But for the most part, the bazaar in Bursa was quite different from the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul. I would say that the grand bazaar is more touristy with lots of kitschy trinkets for sale, while this one in Bursa actually catered to real Turkish people (what?! haha). A lot of the shops sold practical items like mattresses and furniture. Therefore, I didnt really find much to buy. All in all thought, it was a very pleasant town to visit and it was nice to get out of smoggy, crowded Istanbul. After we got back to the city we went to a Mexican restaurant (where the sour cream tasted like non flavored yogurt and the salsa was quite literally chopped up tomatoes) and then we PASSED OUT the second we got back!

Today we went on a cruise of the Bosphorus which was very cool. The boat pretty much travelled the entire length of the Bosphorus, which is the channel of water that separates the Europe from the Asia side of Istanbul and which also connects the Black Sea to the Sea of Marmara (the sea of Marmara eventually leads into the Mediterranean). We stopped at a small town near the area where the Bosphorus meets the Black Sea and went to a fish restaurant for lunch. And as you all know....I absolutely love fish so i was in heaven (can you detect the sarcasm????). But everyone else said it was very good....however I have a problem eating things in which you must full out the eyes and spine.

Tomorrow is out free day, but a group of about 11 of us have planned a trip to Ephesus, which is the site of some Roman ruins in southwestern Turkey. It is about 12 hours away so we arer actually leaving on a bus tonight at 10 pm. Hopefully it will be a little bit warmer since we will be on the Aegean Sea! I will definitely take lots of pictures and post some....it should be very beautiful!

Love, Laura

2007-01-04T10:27:00.000-06:00

inside the Hagia Sophia....this picture (or any picture) does not do this justice at all but at least you can see the beautiful Arabic calligraphy

2007-01-04T10:23:00.000-06:00

a few of us in our towels before entering the Turkish bath....it was quite the cultural experience!

2007-01-04T10:07:00.000-06:00

a few of us at the Hagia Sophia