The Play In California

I Am The New Measure of Godliness

2009-11-19T19:28:00.009-05:00

That’s right, you heard me, I AM THE KING!!!! Who was able to topple the juggernaut from So Cal? Why, none other than Captain Comeback himself! Except this time, the only comeback that needed to happen was my hand coming back to my other hand, because I totally gave myself a high five after Stanford beat USC thanks to my Zeus like coaching on the field.

And did you see our ranking? We jumped all the way from 25 to number 14. We really climbed the polls this week, just like how the women of Palo Alto have been climbing the poll of a certain Stanford coach, if you catch my drift.

Oh, silly me. I didn’t realize not all of you have the superb Stanford intellectual capacity to follow that joke. When I say poll, it means my penis, and when I say climb, it means sexual intercourse. I hope that clears up things for those who aren’t coaching gurus like yours truly.

On a serious note though………….. aren’t I awesome? Just thinking about me makes me want to sport my O-Face.

Not many people can make themselves orgasm at the sight of themselves. It’s a true talent.

Now that the we pummeled USC, I can focus on more important things, like beer bongs. And chicks. And Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2. And beers. And bowling with Gerhardt. And beer. And practice of course…… ahh, just fuckin’ with you! Did I mention beer?

Who do we have next week anyway? Cal? Ughhhhhhhhh.

Great, another meeting with Jeff Tedford, the ying to my yang, the Wily Coyote to my Roadrunner, the Johnny Unitas to my Joe Namath, the um, shit, can’t think of anything else. Whatever, analogies are for losers, and people who go to USC. Get it? By putting losers next to USC, I’m implying they are losers. That’s Stanford intellect for you. You don’t think so? Well fuck you.

But seriously, just look at this guy:

Now look at a few pictures of me, thanks to Google search:

Wait that’s not right, how about now?

Shit, um ok, here’s a decent picture:

Grrr…. I am fierce. Look at those teeth grit!

But I do have a new priority, contact Google picture search and tell them to delete any unflattering pictures of the Jim, unless they want to feel the wrath from the Harbaugh-inger of Pain. Like that nickname? Well I made it up a few minutes ago, and it RULZ.

Seriously though, this Tedford guy is like machine, what kind of plays am I going to come up with this week? Guess I’ll have to take one out of the whole Jim Harbaugh playbook and ask big bro to score me some tips and do my homework for me. Ahhh, just like in college!

Pau Gasol Leads The Way For Mediocre Athlete-Thespians

2009-11-17T18:40:00.008-05:00

As you may or may not have heard of, Pau Gasol recently starred in an episode of CSI: Miami, which aired yesterday on CBS. He plays Victor Emparo, the wealthy head of a video game company. Yes, when we see a 7 foot guy walking around, we immediately think ‘that guy must be in the video game industry.’ Makes sense, makes perfect sense. (They could’ve at least cast an Asian guy like Yao Ming or Yi Jinlain or something, I’m just saying.)

Sad to say, but Pau doesn’t make it to the end of the episode, as his character dies. Not by homicide though, but by suicide. A man can only take so many David Caruso one liners.

I would have put spoiler alert somewhere, but that would imply that you watch CSI: Miami. And if you do, then it is a sad, sad day for Americans. Somewhere right now, a baby in an Uncle Sam outfit is crying.

Pau isn’t the only California superstar of recent times to dabble his hand in acting. Recently, Nnamdi Asomugha also had a stint on Friday Night Lights as a Officer Ken Shaw, which in this case actually does make great casting. That’s why Nnamdi went to Cal.

Now, we all remember how some other athletes have hilariously tried to make the switch to acting:

UGHHHHHHHHH.

But I think with the right casting, some of our very own California athletes can make the jump to the big or silver screen, just like Nnamdi and Pau. It’s just about the part. Below is a list of athletes and the roles they were born to play in Hollywood.

JaMarcus Russell ...…………………. The lost Klump from the Nutty Professor
Philip Rivers …………………………Stereotypical 80’s jock college/high school villain
Jim Harbaugh ………………………... Philip Rivers’s character’s dad
Pete Carroll ………………………….. Philip Rivers’s character’s grand dad
Patrick Marleau ……………………... Stigmata victim # 1

Justin Fargas …………………………. Huggy Bear in the remake, remake of the 2003 version of Starsky and Hutch
Jeff Tedford ………………………….. Lead role in a Sgt. Slaughter biopic
The Anaheim Duck …………………… A cop in a remake of Howard the Duck (The duck part went to Tom Hanks)
Monta Ellis ……………………………. Gob from Arrested Development

San Jose State Football Team …………. Lead roles in a 2008-2009 Detroit Lions biopic movie
Kevin Riley …………………………….. Pip from Great Expectations
Don Nelson ……………………………… Barney Gumble in live version of the Simpsons
Donald Sterling …………………………. Russell Crowe’s character in Virtuosity (the combined intellect and psychiatric profile of every ‘evil’ person in history)
Norv Turner ……………………………… The coach from The Waterboy
Michelle Wie …………………………….. Live action version of Wendy Testaburger
Alex Smith ……………………………… The lead role as a quarterback from the new Wayans Brothers movie: Sports Movie

We're Going To Capitalize On These 5 Picks By Doing Absolutely Nothing

2009-11-13T16:39:00.004-05:00

Well that game sucked.

Seriously, you pick Captain Sulk 5 times, and you only have 10 points to show for it?? Good lord, even the Jake Delhomme and the Panthers scored 34 points when they picked off Kurt Warner 5 times a few weeks ago. Yeah, you heard me, Jake Fucking Delhomme.

It's a good thing Cutler stunk it up, because the Niners would have been seriously fucked with that god awful offense (minus Frank Gore). And now Alex Smith has gone from Hero, to Goat, to 'Game Manager' in 3 weeks. Jesus Christ.

Well, it's still better than being a Raiders fan.

In short, this picture and caption pretty much sums up yesterday's game.

This man is making Kyle Orton look good. Talk about end of the world, 2012 couldn't come sooner.

FAV-RUH!!!!!!

2009-09-28T13:54:00.002-04:00

And this, thanks to the GSF:

Yes, It's Come To This: Our Own Kanye West Internet Meme

2009-09-16T00:58:00.005-04:00

We're trying to milk this until it becomes irrelevant in two days.

A Moral Victory Is For People Who Can't Get A Real Victory

2009-09-15T17:42:00.008-04:00

Watching the Raider’s game yesterday, I couldn’t help but notice the amount of times the term ‘Moral Victory’ was floated around by Mike Golic after Oakland’s inevitable meltdown by the hands of ‘The Best Looking Quarterback Around’ and company. As the Raiders defense slowly began to crumble as Philip Rivers threw one ugly completion after another, Golic began to ask his fellow commentators whether the Raiders can look back at this game with their heads held high, keeping up to par with a team that was expected to destroy them.

Steve and the other Mike juggled with the question, but decided that it was up to the Raiders to take away whatever they want from their loss.

I however, plan to offer a counter point: there’s no such thing as a moral victory, especially in professional sports.

These guys are putting their body on the lines, getting bruised and busted play after play, only to have all their hard work thrown into the garbage by a douchey quarterback and the guy that isn’t LT. Yeah, that kind of sucks. Correction, that sucks a lot.

Golic offered the argument that the Raiders defense should take away a good feeling as they were mainly the ones who shut down the offensive juggernaut known as El San Diego Chargers. I would disagree. Sure they were admirable in their effort, and held LT to less than 100 yds, but PR still threw over 250 and it was the San Diego running game that eventually did them in. Boo.

Also, that Raider defense that played so well the whole game totally blew it on that last drive. Philip Rivers made completion after completion, in the ugliest ways available. Seriously, a fifth grader could throw prettier spirals than that guy. Yet, in the end, he still was able set Tiny Darren up for that game winning touchdown. The Raider defense shouldn’t be patting themselves on the back for yesterdays game, they should be punching themselves in the face for letting it slip away.

Actually, come to think of it, Oakland should’ve never been in the lead in the first place. Their offense was completely rancid. J Russell threw accurate passes like Philip Rivers threw perfect spirals: it didn’t happen often. BOTH his rating and his completion percentage were lower than 50, and if it wasn’t for that bomb in the 4th quarter, his yardage would’ve been 150. Those numbers are pretty paltry. And the new touted rookie, Darius Hayward Bey? He was as effective as Micheal Crabtree was this weekend, meaning he wasn’t on the field. Yup, that sums it up.

So yeah, you can say moral victory all you want Mr. Golic, but that game yesterday was as much as a moral victory as your brother ruining Saved By the Bell was a moral victory.

Really, fuck that guy, how many RA’s are creepy 40 year olds anyways?

Oh, and fuck Nutri System, you fat asshole.

Only Two Letters Spell Sexy: PR

2009-09-03T12:44:00.007-04:00

Guess who’s one of the NFL’s most handsome quarterbacks?

Not this guy:

Or this guy:

Or even this guy:

Nope, all of these losers pale in comparison to…

ME!!!!!

That’s right homos, nothing screams sexy like Mr. Philip Rivers. I’m damn hot, and now I got the back up to prove it. How many people out there can say that have a 99 percent symmetrical face? Probably only 1 percent. Does that make sense? Hell no, but does it matter? HELL NO. Because I’m one hot biatch, and that’s that.

I’m so hot, girls use a t-shirt cannon to throw their panties onto the field. I’m so hot, Matt Leinart is begging to do beer bongs with me. I’m so hot, Justin Timberlake writes songs about me.

Don’t you see the reference there? Obviously, when JT says he’s bringing sexy back, it means that he’s inviting good ole Philly Rivers to the party.

I mean, just look at these photos, what’s sexier than this:

I rest my case.

See you Monday night, assholes, because this quarterback is ready to rumble. Who are we playing? Oakland? Pssht, I’ll beat them while posing for a GQ photo shoot, yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh baby!

Meanwhile in Oakland.

Sexiest QB in the NFL? Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, control yourself Jeff!

Kobe Bryant Is Here To Tell You His Summer Plans

2009-07-09T12:50:00.008-04:00

Hey America,

It’s your favorite baller, Kobe Bryant, here to give you an update on what I’ve been upto after I got the Lakers to the championship.

Things have been relatively calm in the house of Bryant after I got my ring. You probably think that Kobe Bryant lives life in the fast lane all the time, but you could not be more mistaken my friend. All those stories about me partying, cruising down the streets of Hollywood with celebrities, that’s just a bunch of fabricated news stories that trashy celebrity websites like TMZ or CNN make up. No sir, don’t always believe what you read on the internet, Kobe Bryant is here to tell you that he’s just a normal guy like you or Joe 6-pack, trying to make a decent living for himself. I’m as average and American as apple pie.

Guy walks by.

Excuse me for a moment, there’s something I must attend to.

That’s better. Anyway where was I? Oh yes, my summer plans. Well so far, I haven’t really done much. I think a usually summer day for me starts off with a nice breakfast, eggs and bacon, you know the normal stuff. Then, I rest for a little bit, and then I start the training. A good jog usually does it for me. Gotta keep up that cardio to keep in shape, you know. And then-

Dog runs by.

Oh man, not again. Excuse me once more.

Elbows dog in the face.

That’s better. Sorry about that folks, it’s hard for me to concentrate with all these distractions around! Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so after my jog, I then hit the courts for a few hours. I practice on everything, my jump shot, my dribbling skills, my rebounding, everything. And I do it 100 percent. You don’t get a championship without practice. Remember that kids. Then-

Shannon Brown walks by.

‘Hey Kobe.’

‘Hey, what the hell man?’

What the hell what, Shannon.

‘Dude you totally elbowed me in the face!’

So?

‘What do you mean so?’

I mean, what’s the big deal?

‘You really don’t know? Dude you can’t just elbow people in the face when you please.’

I can’t??

‘Yeah man, it hurts. It’s totally disrespectful too.’

Hmm…. you know what Shannon, you’re right. I always thought elbowing people in the face was an American past time, that people enjoy it as much as I do. And I’m sure they do. But what I didn’t realize was that maybe there’s something else on the other side of that elbow. Maybe there’s a human being on that other side, and maybe he or she doesn’t enjoy receiving that elbow I so forcefully drove into their cranium.

Wow Shannon, I’m really glad you pointed that out, I’ve learned a lot from this conversation. I admit, I’m not perfect. I’m a human being that makes mistakes. But I feel everyday I’m growing, as a father, as a leader, as a man. Now, I’m going to think long and hard before I dare throw an elbow, because I now realize it’s the wrong thing to-

‘GODDAMNNIT KOBE!!!!’

Eh, I am what I am.

Nostalgia Friday: Alt Rock

2009-05-22T12:51:00.001-04:00

Back in the mid 90’s, my musical taste was rather limited. It mainly consisted of what was on the radio, Green Day, and the Goo Goo Dolls. Yes, you read right, the Goo Goo Dolls. After admitting that, any musical cred I previously had probably went down the drain. Actually, come to think of it, I still listen to the Goo Goo Dolls. Okay, NOW any musical cred I have is officially down the drain.

Now that my musical tastes have matured just a wee bit (and I mean that in the most ironic of terms) I can now reflect back on the magical era of nine-o and appreciate some of the great alternative rock that came out.

Alternative rock is a curious genre. It’s not quite rock your socks off rock like it’s predecessors in the 80’s, but also not quite as depressing as the grunge that came out in the early 90’s. I made you want to kick ass while feeling slightly suicidal, a mixture of two extremes from the previous time eras. It rocked hard, but was kind of depressing. Actually, a lot of alt rock was depressing, and still is. Sad lyrics, deep thoughts, and a lot of whining about the ladies. Alt rock was like the emo of the 90’s, the only difference being that members of an alt band weren’t pussies. They actually had hard riffs and talent. Instead of seeing a Dashboard Confessionals asshole singing on stage, you got to see people on stage who rocked the fuck out.

A lot of music came from this genre, music I now wish I would have appreciated back then instead of today, but then again I can’t really be too hard on myself, I was only 10 back then.

I wasn’t aware that this song was made in 1985 for a while, but if you didn’t know, you would have thought it came straight from some post-grunge, Seattle angst band. Instead, Dramarama belted out this bad ass song like a bad relationship that threw the chair out the window. Or like the verbal vomit I just spat out. All you hear is desperation in the song, from the changes in chords to the howling yet whiny lyrics. The song takes you for a ride, on the edge of tumultuous times with a lover. The end result is plain awesome.

Then Dramarama became a political band. Poopy.

Melancholy at it’s hardest. Feel the Pain is a bi-polar tour de force in music, with tempo changes that make my head spin. At first, the song seems like a Collective Soul track, but thirty times more depressing. Then, out of no where, the rush picks up and you’re left with clean mini solos that break up all the monotony of the steady verses. When it’s over, you feel like you’ve been on a Prozac induced joy ride. (And ignore the Rock Band video part of it, this was the cleanest version I could find on Youtube).

I’m not sure if HUM qualifies as alt rock, because wikipedia dubs them as ‘space rock.’ I’m guessing space rock paved the way for bands like Finch, At the Drive In, and Thursday, but I would like to say HUM has some alt rock. Basically, mix in ladies with planets and stars, add some minor chords, and boom, you have a recipe for an alt (space) rock favorite.

Garbage was alt rock before they got more and more ‘European’, which is ironic considering three of their members are from Green Bay. Oh, and Shirley Manson is hot, and I’ve had some beers while writing this, so I’m just throwing it in.

I had more songs on this list, but I felt that any other writing would have sounded too forced, so for now, these songs make things all gravy. I know it ain’t sports, but I like it.

Yeah, Wrestling and Basketball Don't Mix

2009-05-19T01:52:00.008-04:00

‘IF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK IS……’

Um, am I interrupting something…

The Rock: Carmelo Anthony? What are you doing here? We have an episode of Raw to film today.

Melo: The Rock, what are YOU doing here? We have a game today, and I also thought you quit wrestling to make movies.

The Rock: Yeah well, that career plan didn’t pan out so well. Did you see Race to Witch Mountain?

Melo: No.

The Rock: Yeah, well that’s why I’m back to wrestling.

Melo: I see. Well anyway, we have to work something else. Obviously, there’s a scheduling conflict, and we both can’t…

HOLD ON RIGHT THERE

The Rock: Aww shit, you better hide Melo before it’s too late…

Vince McMahon: Well, well, well, what do we have here? A little dilemma no doubt involving two of the biggest sports companies in the world, the NBA, and my very own World Wrestling Federation. It seems we have a little booking problem, but me and Kroenke sports made a compromise. Instead of delaying Raw or the upcoming Lakers-Nuggets game, we decided to…………….. host both events at the same time!

The Rock: What?

Melo: What?

Chris Anderson: Say what, homeboy?

Melo: God damnit Chris! You only come out of the bus when I tell you to. Now go make me a ham sandwich. Shiet.

The Rock: I used to have the same exact problem with the Road Dogg.

Vince McMahon: Anyway, this is a stupendous idea, great, marvelous! Imagine two of America’s hottest commodities finally joining forces to provide entertainment to the masses. This is what I always envisioned, five minutes ago!

May 25th….

Announcer: Martin steals the ball from Odom, and he’s all alone!! He’s going for the break away slam dunk! But wait, what’s this? Someone is coming onto the court…

Announcer: Ow! Chair shot right into Martin’s face, and the ball has flown out of bounds. It’s not over yet though folks, it looks like The Undertaker is setting Martin for someone to throw the People’s Elbow…

Kobe: Did someone say Elbow?!?!?!

Hi, My Name Is Kobe Bryant, And Today I Would Like To Elbow You In The Face

2009-05-07T02:12:00.004-04:00

Hi America,

I’m Kobe Bryant, super star basketball from the Los Angeles Lakers. You know, throughout my life, people have always asked me what I really enjoy to do with all my hours. What is my passion, the drive that keeps me alive, the thing that keeps me going everyday? Most people probably think it’s my wife, or my kids, or even basketball. Well, I’m sorry to inform you that most people are wrong. Yes, you heard right. At the end of the day, basketball, love, and money don’t matter if I can’t do what I truly love which is…

…elbowing people in the face.

Yes sir, after a hard days work at the courts, the only thing I really like to do is pour myself a glass of merlot, turn the TV on, plop myself on my nice plush couch, and start elbowing the night away. I pretty much like to elbow anything in sight, my lamp, my car, Mike Bibby, anything that comes my way.

I guess it all started when I was wee little boy at elementary school. One day I was playing basketball with some friends. I had just broken away with a steal and the only person guarding me was my friend Todd. As I drove hard for the easy layup, I noticed there was something wrong with Todd’s cheek. In the few milliseconds I had before the layup was complete, I took a quick look.

Why, it was perfectly clean, no bruises or anything! Then, at that moment, something inside of me ripped to my brain. For some reason, I don’t know why, I lost my sense of control. I remember it quite clearly, my elbow began to swing. I saw it move towards Todd’s face and you know what, I didn’t fight it.

And in a flash, it happened. BAM! Two points, and Todd was on the ground bleeding from the mouth. The other kids quickly ran to Todd to console him and some other kids ran to me to ask me, “what the fuck, man!” I just simple smiled, said “that’s part of the game,” and trotted away, like I do today. And you know what, after it was all over, I felt great about myself. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it was the fact that I scored, maybe it was the fact that I let Todd know no one can defend me, maybe it was the fact that I got away with it. All I knew is, right there and then, I found my calling in life.

And now, I get to do it for a living. Sure, I have to score some points and maybe get some assists here and there, but what really drives me on the court is when I see a defender with a nice, clean face and I get to plant one of these pointy elbows right into their temple. I even gave them names, Sherry and Dr. Pain.

And now, thanks to my influence, my teammates have found the Zen to elbowing. Just ask Luis Scola.

Ahh, nothing makes me happier than seeing an Argentinean eat one. Really makes me feel like I’m making a difference in the world.

The City of San Jose Congratulates You, Anaheim Ducks

2009-04-28T01:48:00.006-04:00

Dearest City of Anaheim,

The city of San Jose would first like to congratulate you on your playoff victory over our beloved Sharks. Coming into the series, you were a tremendous underdog, and we respect that. A lot of people had us going far far far into the NHL playoffs, but your skill, determination, and moxie allowed you to push yourselves past us. As we sit on the sidelines and heal our bruised egos from this crushing loss, we must say we salute you Anaheim, job well done.

San Jose is not unfamiliar with playoff upsets either. In the early days of our beloved Sharks’ NHL existence, we have ousted the likes of Detroit and Calgary in first round upsets. We too know how its like to be the lowest rung in the NHL playoff ladder only to slowly topple the Goliaths, Mike Tysons, Houston Universities, and Michigans of our fair sport. Just like you, we have been David, we have been North Carolina State and Appalachian State, we have been Buster Douglass. It’s no easy feat to face overwhelming odds, but we know of the victory you feel tonight. Good for you.

And with those last words, the City of San Jose only has one thing left to say to you, Anaheim. Fuck you. Fuck you long and hard, tall and wide, thin and short. You think being the Cinderella is cute, that people love the underdog? Well guess what, the Silicon Valley loves that shit, but only when it happens to us, you So Cal pussbags.

And now, the City of San Jose presents to you, City of Anaheim, the destruction of everything you hold dear. Let’s begin.

Fuck the City of Anaheim and everything that comes with it. Fuck the Ducks. It’s real great to know that your team is based off a third rate sports movie starring Emilio Estevez, the lesser talented one of the dreaded Sheen brothers. The first one was okay, the second one was plausible, but the third one was just unnecessary. A team goes from winning the Olympics to being Junior Varsity at a prep school? WTF? And what the hell happened to Jesse Hall in the third one, that kid was bad ass.

Fuck any sports teams associated with Anaheim, mainly the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Choose a city for Christ’s sakes. Lose the Anaheim off the name, it makes the Angels sound like they’re some retarded offspring that was banished from Los Angeles and forced to represent a far more inferior So Cal city. Oh, and John Lackey is on my fantasy team right now, and that guy blows.

Fuck California Adventures. Who came up with that idea anyway? Replicating the Golden Gate Bridge, Hollywood, and Yosemite sounds like a great idea for a theme park if they weren’t, you know, only a few hours away. I can’t wait for the next theme park to grace Anaheim: Anaheim Adventures.

And fuck you for the fact that you just call yourselves the Ducks. What happened to the word “Mighty”? (I have been informed the ‘mighty’ was dropped after it was sold to Henry Samueli. Well I have to inform him that he’s also an ass.)

Fuck the Honda Center. I liked it better when it was called the Arrowhead Pond, you sellouts. Oh, so you say we’re the sellouts for changing our sponsor every few years. Well you have a good point, Anaheim, but I have a better one: you’re assholes. San Jose 1, Anaheim 0.

Oh, and on that point, fuck Honda. I drive a Honda Accord 1996, and guess what, it’s a piece of shit. The doors won’t lock and the driver side window is stuck, and you know who I blame it on, you City of Anaheim.

And lastly, fuck Disneyland. There, I said it, what now.

And fuck Downtown Disney. Yeah, you guys have a ESPN Zone, Rainforest Café, and the Disney Monorail there, but do you have the……um………..hm…….. Tiki Lounge? Uh, yeah, that’s what I thought.

In short, once again the City of San Jose would like to say congratulations to the Ducks...... but also a hearty fuck you. In the words of the great Clint Eastwood: “I'll blow a hole in your face then go inside and sleep like a baby.” We know it has nothing to do with hockey, but it’s pretty bad ass.

Sincerely,

The Silicon Valley

Shark Fans Who Are Band Wagons and the Art of Being Truly Dedicated, Again

2009-04-17T13:17:00.005-04:00

Today, an interesting happened today. No, it was not writing this post, even though it was good to write something down after a week and a half long absence. It occurred when I was on facebook. I’m not really on facebook that much, I just mainly use it to pimp out my articles and see what friends are up to once in a while. I decided to give up that whole status update a long time ago after I realized status updates show: a) people aren’t that insightful b) people aren’t that interesting and c) if you tell them point a) or b) they’ll probably think your some pretentious twit even though they are the ones who are pretentious because they think they’re so absorbed in their self importance that they find it offensive you don’t think they’re just not that interest. Ugh, facebook has created a generation of big headed ninnies.

Anyway, the interesting thing I noticed was…. where the hell did all these hockey fans come from?? Every single status update I saw was something complaining about how the Shark’s blew it yesterday. I’m from San Jose, so naturally, a lot of my friends are from the area. However, as I recall, most of them don’t really have a strong hockey acumen. I doubt if they’ve even seen a Shark’s game in its entirety. Hell, I even doubt any of them saw YESTERDAY’S game in its entirety. Yet, I’m sure they did quick check on ESPN.com, saw the Shark’s lost, and then bam, the flood of facebook statuses came out. Or even worse, maybe they didn’t even check the score, maybe they just saw on other people’s statuses that the Sharks lost and they hopped on the comment bandwagon just like they hopped on the Sharks playoff bandwagon.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against rooting for a team if you’re not a die hard fan. There’s nothing wrong with it. You do it, I do it, we all do it. I’m certainly rooting for the Shark’s to win it all, even though, admittedly I haven’t watched a single Sharks game all season. However, the difference between me and so called bandwagons is, sure I’ll root, but I’m not going to sit and complain about the Sharks or act like I’m the biggest fan ever when in fact, I know I’m not. I’ll be sad about the Sharks losing, but I won’t be angry. You know why? Because I’m a fair weather hockey fan, not a die hard one, and only die hard ones get mad about it. I’m not die hard, and neither are most of the people who are moping about it as we speak. Instead, I’ll just say “that’s too bad” then concentrate on teams that are really important to me like the Cal Golden Bears, and the Kansas City Chiefs. (Yeah, I get crap for that too, so don’t bother).

And I definitely won’t take the time to update my stinkin’ facebook status either.

I also would like to point out that even though I admit I’m not a die hard fan, I’m probably more die hard than the so called “die hard” fans I’ve been observing. I can remember the time when I was really into hockey (after the Mighty Duck movies came out) and I followed the Sharks’ miraculous first round upsets against powerhouses Detroit and Calgary. I remember when Irbe was our man, and Friesen was the young rookie. So suck on that.

Last year, I wrote an article about Laker fans and how there was a growing trend of bandwagonry in So Cal. I’m going to go on a limb now and say that this trend is also true for the bay. It is because of all this Shark hooplah that’s been surfacing? No, it’s because of the lack of hoopla for another team that was on the gaining momentum: the Warriors. Remember this?

Where are all the “We Believe” t-shirts now? Probably on the bottom of a pile of dirty rags after it was used to dry up someone’s car. It’s such a shame for real Warrior fans. You may think its rather snobby, but think about logistics. Imagine if you were so dedicated to a team that you watched every single game, knew every single player, and understood every single play, while they stunk. You stuck by them through all the hard times. Now your team finally makes the playoffs, and you’re so excited to get tickets, only to see that all the tickets are gone thanks to a bunch of 5 minute fan cronies sporting their “We Believe” t-shirt. Yeah, I would be pissed to.

In short, the point of this article is not to chastise people for rooting for a particular team, just to chastise people for all the over reaction for something they don’t really care about. In the end, if the Sharks lost, it’s not the end of the world for most of you, but for some people it is, and you will never understand why that is until you earn your fan stripes just like they did.

We're Jumping the Shark! (Format Changes)

2009-04-08T00:27:00.005-04:00

It’s been quite a while since anything has been posted here on The Play in California. For those readers who have been wondering what the hell has been going on and why we haven’t posted in probably 3 weeks, the reason is simple: lack of passion. Lately, I’ve felt that I’ve been some what tied down to the format that this blog presents. It’s tough to only write about all sports in California when the only two sports you care about is college basketball and football. It’s even harder to make anything worth reading when all your posts are half assed.

Thus, there’s going to be a bit of a shake up in the future of this website. I plan writing some new posts starting this week, but there will be several changes.

1) We'll still have our California focus (since it's kind of hard not too, coming from the Bay Area and all), but the scope will sometimes go outside the Golden State. We'll also cover random topics in the world of gaming and entertainment, since I like that stuff.
2) It’s going to focus mainly on football and college basketball
3) Since Ace of Spades is a baseball fan, you might get some baseball stuff snuck in there once in a while
4) Nostalgia Fridays will still be in tact
5) As will Youtube Sundays
6) For laziness sake though, it’s still going to be called The Play in California
7) There’s going to be a mix of short posts and long posts
8) There’s also going to be much more off topic stuff if it’s worth the trouble to post it
9) Posts won’t be up every day. Expect more like once every few days.

So that’s that. And now, a gratuitous photo of Kate Beckinsale. Enjoy.

And for the ladies (and newly acquired Raiders QB Jeff Garcia, this guy):

Yeah, We're Still Alive

2009-04-01T01:14:00.002-04:00

But football and college basketball season are over, so I'm officially running out of shit to write about until next September. So....... drop us a line at mail@theplayinca.com. Send us tips, feedback, nasty emails that will only lower our self esteem, anything! You'll hear from us soon!

Nostalgia Firday: SNES College Slam

2009-03-20T11:22:00.008-04:00

Back in the heyday of the SNES, one game ruled the basketball scene: NBA Jam TE. This was before NBA Live dominated the scene because people just weren’t interested in having realistic stat tracking and game play mixed in with low quality 16 bit graphics. NBA Live was known as NBA Showdown at the time, and that’s when gamers realized that if you want to portray realism in every sense, graphics had to be up to par too. That’s why silly games like NBA Jam were created.

If you don’t know what NBA Jam is, I feel very very sorry for you. What kind of childhood did you have? You probably were that kid that couldn’t score an SNES because a) your parents wouldn’t let you buy one, or b) your parents were total dicks and forbade you from such childhood discoveries such as video games, temporary tattoos, and those gums that looked like cigarettes.

NBA Jam also capitalized on the on going crazy of arcade styles sports. It paved the way for such classics as NBA Blitz and Daytona USA, sports games that in no sense of the way portray realism. I highly doubt at the real Dayton speedway, if you crashed, your car would just harmlessly flip in the air and you’d only have a few dents to show for it.

NBA Jam was a great game too. 40 ft slams, balls being lit on fire, elbows being thrown around like it's a Lakers-Suns game and Raja Bell was in, yup, the game had it all. A little known fact though is that Midway and Acclaim, trying to capitalize on the slamma jamma craze, released somewhat of a sequel called College Slam.

Basically, College Slam was NBA Jam with different teams. Video game companies used to do this a lot, you know. I can remember the countless versions of Street Fighter that were essentially the same game, only to be released as a completely new game. Turbo edition my ass. College Slam let you choose from 32 different teams, and low and behold, Cal was one of them!

If you’re familiar with the NBA Jam format, College Slam is no different. You get two players on the court and its no holds barred. Thus, you had a choice of 2 Cal stars to choose from. However, just like every other NCAA game out there, players’ names were not licensed, thus you had to fill it in yourself. This had its ups and downs. The ups being you could fill your Cal squad with a Cal legends team with players such as Jason Kidd, Shareef Abdul Raheem, um, Rod Benson. Or you could be totally immature and put in a bunch of fake names like Ass Wipe, Amanda Hugnkiss, Hugh Jass, etc. If you’re like me, with the mind of a 10 year old, you’ll choose the latter.

College Slam in every respect was a fun game, but it was no NBA Jam. It just wasn’t fun knowing you couldn’t dominate everyone with the likes of Horace Grant and Latrell Sprewell (pre choking days). Oh well, it’s worth a check out if you have the opportunity.

For those of you expecting a Cal post, expect one Monday. That is all.

At Lunch We Dine On Turtle Soup

2009-03-19T12:42:00.004-04:00

Mmmmmmmmmmmm, Cambell Lovin' Good.

DELICIOSO!!!!

It even comes with a cute little turtle shaped bread, who's head I will bite off!

YUMMMMM!

Some people think this is in bad taste, but lemme tell ya, nothing sure tastes bad about it! Wakka wakka! Go Bears, beat the Terps.

Don't Forget To Fill Out Your CBI Bracket

2009-03-18T12:11:00.006-04:00

If the NCAA Tournament is the Godfather and Godfather II of basketball tournaments, then the NIT would no doubt be the Godfather III of tournaments. Basically, the NIT would be the inferior counter part of a far superior product. Sadly though, there is a tournament even more neglected than the NIT, the CBI. Think of it as the Mafia! of college basketball tournaments. Yeah, I made a Mafia! reference, yeah, THAT movie, the one with Jay Mohr. How that guy has a job and a bangin’ wife, I do not know.

Mmmmmm………..where was I?

While Cal is parading around as this year’s Bay Area darlings in the Big Dance, Stanford will be representing the bay in this year’s CBI. Let’s take a look at their bracket:

As you can see, the CBI only has 16 teams, and I’m pretty sure the selection criteria was just anyone who was a willing participant. The CBI selection committee probably had to fight tooth and nail just to get 16 aboard the tourney ship. Stanford faces a first round match against Boise State this evening, a team only known for their football team and for having a blue football field.

Thus, to once again show that we at The Play in CA are completely not biased in our coverage of teams other than Cal, we encourage you to support the Cardinal. You can watch them play on CBS. Oh wait, ESPN. Uh, ESPN 2. ESPN Ocho? Oh, HDNet, which is a website, not a TV station. I think. Um, cool.

Go Cards… I guess.

The Other California Teams March Madness Preview!

2009-03-17T00:10:00.007-04:00

Since most, okay, all of our writers here at The Play in California are Cal alumni, you’ll no doubt notice that we talk about Cal Basketball a lot. I mean a lot. I MEAN A LOT. Regardless, we like to take pride in the fact that we’re a California sports blog and not a sports blog for Cal. We also like to take pride in the fact that even though we say we offer fair sports coverage for all of California, we in fact are only kidding ourselves. When you have a 50 hour work week and the only sports you can keep up with your own teams, it gets tough to cover everyone else. So lay off!

However, just because we enjoy watching our Cal Golden Bears so much doesn’t mean we can’t take some time to cover the other guys. Thus, with the tournament coming up in a mere two days, I, Cayceecal, would like to offer to you the Other California Teams March Madness Preview!

UCLA Bruins (I’m sure the bear shown above is some sort of pedophile)

Record: 25-8
Coach: Ben Howland
Key Players: Darren Collison (G), Josh Shipp (G), Alfred Aboya (F-C)

Overview: Everyone (ESPN, Yahoo, Sports Illustrated) has been saying that UCLA is primed for an upset at the hands of VCU this opening round, but I say fuck that. Not for any logical reason really. VCU does have the upset factor instilled them with a similar 11 over 6 upset two years ago against Duke, and they are a perimeter shooting offense, the type the UCLA can struggle with, but seriously man, UCLA is terribly underrated this year simply because they come from the Pac-10. For some reason, in the past few years, whenever UCLA is in it to win it, they’re primed for a good run. They’ve made it to the Final Four the past 3 years, what’s to stop them now? Nothing, other than the fact that they kind of suck, I guess. So they won’t make it to the Big Big Dance, but hey, they’re not getting downed by VCU either. Suck on that, Dan Wetzel.

Prediction: A second round loss at the hands of Villanova

USC Trojans (I had know idea JBL coached the Trojans)

Record: 22-10
Coach: Tim Floyd
Key Players: Taj Gibson (F), DeMar DeRozan (F), Lil Romen (G) – just kidding, he sucks

Overview: After their miracle run in the Pac-10, the USC Trojans some how slipped into the tournament much like how their namesake slips into…. uh, you get the joke. This year, USC has been kind of like the Zach Morris of the Pac-10. Like Morris, they have unlimited potential, yet their immature, lazy attitude gives them the perception of underachiever. Then, just like a special Saved By The Bell episode, they end up getting a 1500 on the SAT’S causing everyone (including an enraged Jessie Spano) left wondering what the fuck. Well guess what folks, USC is ready to play now, and in another extremely foolish guarantee that will no doubt cause me to lose next month’s rent, I’m saying they are Sweet 16 material. By the way, this blog is not responsible for any broken legs you may suffer from Johnny the Shark.

Prediction: A Sweet 16 loss to Kansas

CSU Northridge Matadors (This is the best I could get with a Google Image search. I shit you not)

Record: 17-13
Coach: Too Lazy to Wikipedia It
Key Players: Rob Haynes(G), Tremaine Townsend (F), Josh Jenkins (G)

Overview: CSU is a school from California. They are from Northridge. Their mascot is the Matador. Um, and they’re playing Memphis in the first round. Yup, that’s all that needs to be said about them.

Prediction: NCAA Champions. And when I say champion, I actually mean they will be embarrassed handily by the Memphis Tigers.

St. Mary’s Gaels (Get ready to dance!)
Recor- oh yeah…

….just remembered about the not making the tournament and getting screwed over by the selection committee thing. My bad.

So there you have it. Now that all the unimportant California schools are out of the way, get ready for a ten page, in-depth analysis (now with new charts and graphs!) of Cal’s tournament chances tomorrow. Told you we were fair and balanced.

Nostalgia Friday: A Long, Long Time Ago

2009-03-13T13:33:00.004-04:00

We travel to a time ages ago, to a place that seems like a distant dream, to a place that seems like it echoes only in our mind.

I'm talking about February 26, 2008, the last time Cal played USC.

And we won!!!

Uh, yesterday, not so much:

Get ready #8 seed, because Cal is coming after ya!

The Day I Broke Patrick Christopher's Computer

2009-03-12T01:31:00.006-04:00

WARNING: The following article you are about to read has very little to do with sports, other than the fact that it stars a college basketball player. It is probably the nerdiest thing you will ever read on this site, but if you’re someone from the blogging world, then at least your inherent geekiness will soften the blow. You have been warned.

As Cal gets ready for the Pac-10 tournament today, I’d like to share this anecdote for all you Cal fans involving a personal encounter with a certain Cal Basketball Hero.

Way back in October before the college basketball season started, I was assigned a simple task from my old roommate, fix her friend’s computer. Both of us are Cal graduates, and unfortunately for me, I graduated with a Computer Science major. Graduating from this major comes with many positives and negatives. The positives are ease of finding a job compared to, oh philosophy major, vast knowledge of the internet, and free up to date software given to us from Berkeley. The negatives are dealing with nerds in your class, being labeled a nerd, and the assumption that you know how to fix everyone’s computer. Everyone makes this assumption, EVERYONE.

Normally, when someone asks me if I can fix their computer, I’m usually a little hesitant to do so, mainly because I don’t want to be held responsible if I accidentally destroy said computer. However, since it was my roommate was phoning in a favor, I happily obliged. I was even more excited when I found out the client was none other than Cal’s favorite number 23, Patrick Christopher.

Before I continue, I should probably back track a bit. Pat and my old roommate have been pretty good friends for some time. Thus, it was a common thing to have Pat stop by unexpectedly to hang out. Here’s a picture of him chilling at our apartment for those who think I’m pulling shenanigans:

He’s using my roommates Mac because his computer is clearly busted, thus the point of this article. And yeah, our apartment is really messy.

At first, I was rather star struck to the idea that the star of Cal Basketball was loungin’ in our apartment on random days, but after a while, it became a regular thing and wasn’t that big of a deal. I also have to say that Pat is a really cool guy. He’s down to earth and very mellow, and most of all, a very humbled kind of guy. Thus, when my roommate told me his computer had a virus, it didn’t really bother me to offer some help.

The next day when I got home from work, Pat came over to drop off his computer so that I could repair it. I thought some simple anti virus software would do the trick. I did it before for another friend’s computer, so why should this be so difficult? Just download some anti virus software then presto, computer is good as new!

Two minutes later, I sent Pat’s computer into the blue screen of death. For those of you unfamiliar with the blue screen of death, it’s basically a screen that pops up after the Windows XP loading screen is finished:

After you get this little baby, you can pretty much say goodbye to windows, because you ain’t gettin’ back in it. All you can do is a reformat, and of course tell Cal’s star basketball player that you just destroyed his computer.

Pat was pretty calm about the situation. He kept saying “don’t worry about it” but deep inside, I’m sure he was thinking “worry about it!” Pat also informed me that it wasn’t really the functionality of the computer he was worried about, but rather the data on the computer. Within the heaping wreck of a hardware that I turned the computer into were cherished photos, files, and probably some game footage. In college, there is nothing more valuable to a student than memories, and I may have blue screen of deathed them away from existence.

After that day, I told Pat that the problem would probably need a few more days while I scrambled to find a solution. Reformatting was easy, but finding a way to pull the data was not.

My first choice was to call some data recovery experts. How expensive could it be right? 50, 60 bucks? Try 2000. Wow. I can’t really fathom what kind of data would be worth that much, unless you had some Jack Bauer nuclear codes in your computer.

My friend Dan then informed me getting out with hardware. If I could pull out his hard drive and plug it into my computer using an adapter, it might work. Here is the adapter he pointed me to:

It’s a basic IDE&SATA – USB convert it. Think of it as a way to turn your internal hard drive into an external one, thus allowing another computer to treat it as a travel drive that you can use to transfer files from hard drive to hard drive. In all, Dan’s suggestion made sense, so it was worth a shot. And the adapter only cost 20 bucks, much cheaper than trying the Jack Bauer option (the data recovery, not torturing my computer for the information).

After I got it set up, I plugged the adapter into my computer and prayed for mercy, only to be rejected like a Mark Madsen jump shot. Apparently, Pat’s hard drive was partitioned more than once, making some discs unrecognizable to the standard Windows XP operating system. Crap. My experimenting failed. All the meanwhile, Pat was patiently waiting for his computer back, continuing to tell me he was cool with what’s going on. Good thing Pat was being such a good sport. If I was fixing Tyler Hansbrough’s computer, I’m sure my liver would have been disemboweled already.

At that point I was stuck. Really stuck. Stuck on how to fix his computer, stuck on how to break the news that I couldn’t fix his computer, stuck on dealing with the possibility that Pat was going to have me banned from Cal basketball games for the rest of the season. My last shot was asking my friend who actually worked for Microsoft. If anyone could help me navigate through a Windows error, it must be him, right?

And I was right! The only ironic thing was that his fix involved NOT using Windows. Instead, he told me to create a Linux boot cd, run the Linux OS straight from the CD, and then I would be able to use a Windows like operating system to transfer files from Pat’s internal hard drive to an external hard drive.

Genius. Two hours later, Pat’s files were safe and his computer was reformatted.

So what’s the moral of this story? Never offer to fix someone’s computer. Ever. EVERRRR! Unless you happen to be my friend from Microsoft, and not me.

Oh, and the other moral is that Patrick Christopher is a really cool guy. From what my old roommate tells me, Pat’s computer is a little messed up still from my workings (once again, sorry Pat). If someone messed up my computer like I did, well I would be pretty pissed. Not Pat though. Off the court, he’s calm, laid back, and a nice guy.

On the court, though, he’ll fuck you up. Word.

Ugh, Now That The Bubble Has Hit The Fan, My Life Is Meaningless

2009-03-11T01:00:00.004-04:00

Yeah, I saw that Butler lost today. I got so upset, I've been passing nothing but kidney stones, and now it burns when I pee. Shiet.

It's too bad the bubble has officially burst, so to speak. Damn, that analogy is pitiful, no wonder ESPN won't let me write full articles. Now I have to scramble back and predict some more meaningless bubble talk. Let's just throw in some wild cards, like saying San Jose State is going to win the WAC tournament. It can happen. Is St. Mary's going to make it or not? The fuck if I care, just look at their SOS to figure it out. Their RPI is to college basketball what my journalistic acumen is to college basketball. I don't even know what that means, MAN.

Excuse me for all this, I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard after the Horizon League Finals. I really believed in the system. I believed that if you work hard through life you'll be rewarded by having a coasty job as an analysts who predicts who is going to make it into the tournament. What, that job is already occupied by Lunardi?

Well at least I had integrity, okay? I had Butler in as a auto-bid, I mean I put my reputation on the line! And now it's gone, all gone!

Ugh, wake me up when it's last call at O' Malley's pub, because until then, I'll be swimming in my own sulking misery.

2 Cal Players Shine -- First Team All PAC-10

2009-03-10T02:21:00.009-04:00

It's time to celebrate for Cal.

But wait, let's backtrack and take a look at last year so we can get a sense of how far Cal has come along this season. If you do not know, former Coach Ben Braun was the reason for much of my (venting) blogs last year. He led our Cal bball team to a 6-12 Pac-10 record, and finally (& I give myself a pat on the back b/c my venting was not in vain) he got the boot. Now, we shouldn't be celebrating in another's misery, but come on! I blame Ben Braun for not maximizing on the potential and skills of the Cal bball team. So Ben Braun's kick to the curb was long overdue. He needed out, and Cal needed a miracle.

Braun, "I just don't get it. Why can't I get the Bears to win?"

Here comes Coach Al Montgomery. He was the man at Stanford who left to coach the Golden State Warriors. And well, the recap is: he wasn't so successful in that NBA endeavor. He took to some commentating and with Braun's exit, Big Monty got offered the Cal coaching job. Fingers crossed, many looked to this experienced coach as Cal's possible basketball savior. And to his credit, there was a Cal basketball renaissance.

Patrick Christopher and Jerome Randle have now been named to the All Pac-10 First Team.
To be honest, I really don't understand what this means, except that it's a good thing. And according to my friend, it's a really good thing because only 10 players from the Pac-10 are chosen and honored with this accolade.

Jerome Randle probably hitting a 3. He did this frequently

As an ardent Cal bball fan, I am proud of the accomplishments of these two players. Last year upset me: one player shined. But this year, Monty made things different. With teamwork, the Bears improved and finished in the Pac-10 with an 11-7 record, and 22-9 overall.

As Cal steps into the Staples Center on Thursday, 3/12/09, at 6pm, we will see how they fare against Lil Romeo and his Trojans. As the #3 seed in the Pac-10, hopefully the Bears prove to critics that they can compete all season long, no matter if it's in LA or wherever the NCAA sends them.

Go Patrick!
Let's feel that energy on Thursday!

YouTube Sundays: Digger Phelps Get Hyphy

2009-03-08T06:55:00.001-04:00

Too bad Cal lost to UCLA...

Nostalgia Friday: The Music Of Tetris On The NES

2009-03-06T02:30:00.002-05:00

The original Tetris on NES is no doubt a classic to many gamers around the world. While this masterpiece has no particular relation to sports or California, I’m pretty sure athletes and Californians enjoyed this game as much as I did when I was a kid. Okay, maybe not so much the athletes, because if you were a kid on the NES and you played Tetris, you were a dork. When Megaman, Mario, and Link were calling all the cool kids to play them, the L-Block was bringing in the intellectually stimulated (aka dweebs).

Like any good game, Tetris was a challenge. Also like any good game, Tetris had great music. Back in the days of NES, music selection was scarce. You didn’t have grandiose soundtracks like you do nowadays. These days, the Final Fantasy games have award winning composers creating their soundtracks. Back then, it was usually just a lonely sound engineer figuring out how to make the next midi file sound slight different from the other.

But like I said before, Tetris was the exception. In the next 3 paragraphs, I will share and compare the three musical classics.

TETRIS TYPE A

What many people forget about the original Tetris on the NES is that it never had the classic jingle that is normally associated with Tetris. You know what I’m talking about, that jingle that sounds like it’s straight from a Russian Communist Theme Song Booklet. Here’s a sample below:

That’s the orchestrated remix found on Smash Brothers. Pretty crisp and classy. Nope, the original Type A sound on the NES was more like this;

I used to always associate this song with Christmas because it sounded like it belonged in the Nutcracker. Maybe it is in the Nutcracker. I don’t know, I’m not cultured enough to really tell. It’s a sad world when you get all your opera and ballet music from video games, but I’ll deal with it. I give it *** stars (out of 4).

TETRIS TYPE B

Type B is a classic. It’s peppy and fast, the kind of music that makes you really feel like you have to cram out the Tetris juice since the music makes you think so damn rushed. It’s the kind of song you want at pressure time because damnit, it’s you just FEEL like you have to think faster due to the tempo. The only problem with this song is I couldn’t never really figure out its origins. It sounds like some kind of old folksy olde English dance song mixed in with Persian strings. Yeah, strike 2 on the culture awareness. In any case, it’s my favorite **** stars.

TETRIS TYPE C

Ugh, the worst song. Every time I play this song, it’s so hard to stay awake, and it’s even harder when I realize I’m playing Tetris. No Stars!

Hopefully that last song didn’t bore you out so much that you’re on the keyboard ready to doze off. Remember, it’s the music that made you sleep, not the article. In any case, video game music lives forever, and this nerd can enjoy his nostalgia for another day.

Update: I forgot the Tetris song NOT on this game was also used in a classic Simpsons bit. Enjoy!