Welcome to my presidential pardon site!

2006-10-24T02:22:00.000-07:00

Hi, I'm George W. Bush.

President George W. Bush, at least for a little while longer.

That means I have something special nobody else in the whole world has right now. That's right, I'm talking about ...

PRESIDENTIAL PARDONS!!!!

So if you need a genuine presidential pardon for some crime or other you might of committed, you came to the right place. PrezPardons.blogspot.com is your one-stop shop for all your Official George W. Bush Presidential Pardon needs.

(I know, it doesn't maybe look like much. But it's my first try at making what they call an eye-commerce site on the Internets, and Laura said she'd help me but she didn't.)

Here at Prez Pardons, I believe in the Christian ideal of Forgiveness for your Sins.

If, of course, you can Show me the Money.

So far, a whole bunch of satisfied customers have showed me the money and bought my presidential pardons. Here's what some of them have to say:

Bob Ney: "Thanks a lot, Mr. President. With this pardon, I can check out of 'rehab' and go right back to being a corrupt congressman! And we know that's where the real money is, wink, wink."
Donald Rumsfeld: "Did I commit war crimes? I sure did. Did I get prosecuted for them? You bet I did. Did I really need my friend George to sell me a pardon? Darn tooting. Could I afford it? I sure the heck could. All thanks to PrezPardons."
Scooter Libby: "Thanks very much for the pardon and for the great deal on the 30% Scapegoat Special, Mr. President. But shouldn't we be thinking about getting around to prosecuting Karl Rove and Dick Cheney one of these days?"
Jeffrey Skilling: "A very good pardon, cheap at the price, and offered by my very best pal. You go, Dubya. If you're thinking about going public on this very profitable enterprise, I might have a few ideas for you on how to get that stock price way up into the stratosphere."
Tom DeLay: "Thanks a million, George, for exterminating my conviction. Get it? And the prepayment discount really made the pardon very affordable."
Halliburton: "Thanks a lot, Dubya and Dick, for the blanket pardon for all Halliburton executives. At the very reasonable price tag of $3.4 billion, the pardon barely dented our balance sheet. Besides, we bounced the whole thing back to taxpayers as Iraq no-bid contract surcharges, then deducted it from our own corporate taxes, so we're still $4.9 billion in the black."
Jack Abramoff: "Actually, Dubya, I'd been told you'd be giving me one of these for free, you two-faced prick. But I, more than most people, understand how important it is to feather the nest, so no hard feelings."
President George W. Bush: "Dang, that's good pardon. Knew you'd come through for me, you handsome devil."

So you see, with all these satisfied customers, there's no need for you to worry about the quality of my presidential pardons. All you need to do is click the button and get one!

FAQ:

How much does the pardon cost?*

My presidential pardons can be bought at very reasonable prices, no matter what crime you committed. But the price depends a little bit on how big the crime is, how many friends on K Street you have, and how much you might have already paid me or my friends and family and supporters before (we can give you a prepayment discount for some of that money). If you're not one of the main beneficiaries of my tax breaks, chances are you won't be able to afford one.

When you click the button, you'll have a chance to talk to Mr. Cheney, my official Presidential Pardon Negotiator, and he'll help you figure out how much it's going to cost you. Don't let him shoot you in the face! Heh, heh, heh, sorry Dick.
Do I need to be convicted of a crime first?

Nope! My pardons have a unique pro-retroactive feature attached to them, which means you can buy them before the conviction (proactive), but use them after (retroactive). That's part of what makes Prez Pardons so special.
How long does it take to get my pardon?

Anywhere from one to two weeks after I receive your wire transfer to my Cayman Islands account.
I heard you usually have to admit you're guilty of the crime you've been convicted of in order to get a presidential pardon. Do I have to in order to get one from you?

Admitting you're guilty would be tantamount to admitting that you're guilty. And that's just wrong in my book. So no.
Is it legal to sell presidential pardons?

When the president does it, that means that it is not illegal.
Do you offer discounts for package deals, such as the various members of a conspiracy?

We sure do.
What if I can't afford a pardon?

Tough cookies. What do you think I am, a communist? Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, felon.
What about Barney?

I was hoping you'd ask that. Yes, each presidential pardon comes included with a complimentary autographed 8x10 glossy photo of First Dog Barney. A lovable momento for the home or office. He's cute as a button.
Where are the pardons manufactured?

All of my presidential pardons are Proudly Made in the U.S.A. Specifically, in the Northern Marianas Islands by young, hard-working, dedicated women who are guaranteed fetus-free. (For more information on the Northern Marianas Islands, please contact satisfied customers Tom DeLay or Jack Abramoff).
Why are you selling pardons? Aren't you rich enough already?

If I were rich enough already, what the hell do you think I'd be doing in politics?
Do I have to accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior to get a pardon?

Not necessarily, but accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior may entitle you to a special Non-Heathen pardon discount. Contact my Customer Service Office of Faith-Based Initiatives for more information. You'll still burn in Hell, of course.
What if my pardon doesn't arrive in time (e.g., before my execution day)?

We're constantly trying to improve our service.

The Prez Pardons Service
is only available for a limited time,
so don't wait, get your pardon today!*

And don't forget to read my favorite eye-newspaper: Avant News

It tells you all about what the future is going to be like. And if you buy one of my pardons, that future might not be half bad after all!

* Cash only, please. Offer not valid for registered democrats or left-leaning independents.
** Pardon may be revoked at any time by whim of current or future president under auspices of Military Commissions Act of 2006.

(Note: this is a spoof. At least, we hope it is.)

Prez Pardons - Your one-stop shop for George W. Bush Presidential Pardons

Welcome to my presidential pardon site!