Avast, Ye Landlubbers!

2009-09-18T14:08:00.006-05:00

It has been a while since I have posted anything here, but I feel like this simply HAS to be said ...

Things That Are Awesome

1. Orphans. I have sold many a pack of cigarettes to orphans over the years, and I will say this without reservation -- they are, without exception, top notch in every respect.

Say it with me all together now: "Orphans. Are. Awesome."

2. Street urchins. I know what you are probably saying. "What's the difference between a street urchin and an orphan?" Well, I'm no expert, but in my experience, unlike your garden-variety orphans, street urchins typically wear hats and scarves and gloves without fingers, they gather around trash cans with fires set in them, and they say things like "Tuppence" and "Govner." But they're still awesome.

3. Gypsies. Unlike so many whose lives have been led irrevocably astray and whose bankaccounts have been emptied thanks to a fortune told to them by one of our Romani brethren, I still hold the gypsy fortune teller in high esteem.

Gypsies are awesome.

Tramps are half-awesome.

But thieves? Thieves are not awesome at all.

4. Tubas. You cannot have a brass band without a tuba. And life without a little brass band in it ... well, that's like a circus without monkeys. I.e., ergo and ipso facto - what's the point?

Also, if it weren't for tubas, who would you have to sit next to in the back of band class to help you mess with Ray Knitla, the band teacher? I ask you, who? Okay, the trombones, I guess you'd have the trombones. So, what the hell - trombones are awesome too.

And speaking of our primate pals ...

5. Monkey butlers. Why the government won't go ahead and admit this fact, I'll never understand. This is the kind of willful ignorance that lets the Godless Communists behind the X-Prize beat us in the space race.

6. Steve Earle. As a song-writer and, as we kids used to say "on record," Steve Earle is awesome. As a live performer, though, boring.

7. One-armed country lawyers. Did you know John Dillinger was defended by a one-armed lawyer? That fact alone is awesome.

And all of us who have been in trouble with Johnny Law before know this jailhouse truism: When you're in trouble, hire a country lawyer on the double. The more cornpone, the better. See: Matlock for more evidence.

Better yet, ask me to perform my country lawyer act at your child's birthday party. He or she will never forgive you for i ... I mean they will be scarred for lif ... I mean they will love you for it.

For the advantages of keeping a one-armed man on the payroll, please review the following. Take good notes.

8. Time machines. I love a good time machine. And if they ever come up with an X-Prize for a time machine, I will finish converting that hot tub in my back yard into a working time machine and I WILL have the last laugh!

Barring that, I'll pay one of the neighbor kids to dress up like a Morlock for the awards ceremony and we'll at least have a small chuckle at someone's expense.

9. Dirt bike kids from Oklahoma. And I'm not just saying this because I've been disguising myself as Jarley Hebens, the Dirt Bike Kid from Oklahoma in order to infiltrate my neighborhood kid's gang, earn their trust and find out who keeps trying to break into my house.

I feel kind of guilty about it. No betrayal stings as greatly was when you've been befriended and then betrayed by the Dirt Bike Kid from Oklahoma. Trust me on this one.

10. Duct Tape. Obviously.

P.S. Pirates used to be awesome. Now they are kind of played-out. Thanks A LOT Somalia!

Also, Mexican prison is somewhat less than awesome.

To be continued ...

The kind of history they never talk about in history class

2009-03-13T02:03:00.001-05:00

Abe Lincoln, Magnificent Bastard.

It's usually, sometimes funny on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

2008-12-17T01:51:00.001-06:00

Get this widget!

2008-12-16T19:30:00.002-06:00

Get this widget!

2008-10-07T00:55:00.004-05:00

What I did on my summer vacation, 1966-1974

P.S. Monika Ramirez? Total nympho. (Seriously. She and Sasquatch, like, did it. All the time, they did it.)

Then, of course, I had to get a job at the wax museum to put myself through criminology college.

Then, of course, I took that job on the Love Boat.

And then I ran for U.S. Senate.

2008-09-30T00:49:00.002-05:00

Crazy Monkey Shenanigans in Germany

And, as you are all well aware, German crazy monkey shenanigans is the BEST kind of crazy monkey shenanigans. Or, the worst. Depending upon your perspective.

2008-09-29T18:01:00.001-05:00

2008-09-11T16:12:00.002-05:00

Make your own at MoreCowbell.dj

Real? Or Fake?

2008-09-04T00:42:00.001-05:00

Real? Or Fake?
Originally uploaded by Harley_J

If fake, this is definitely my pick for fake mustache photo of the week.

You know what? Even if real, this is STILL my pick for fake mustache photo of the week.

2008-08-27T01:05:00.002-05:00

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

逝者如斯 #1 Origin of Yangtze River
Originally uploaded by Luo Shaoyang

The Chang Jiang (长江) or Yangtze River is the largest river in China and the third longest in the world after the Nile and the Amazon. It flows 6 300 km from its source in western Qinghai province, north of Tibet, to the East China sea at Shanghai. During the 40 million years history of the life and 50,000 years history of human civilization, Yangtze River, a mother river of the Chinese people,brings up billions of Huaxia(华夏子孙) people.

I took this photo through glass-window of a moving train from Beijing to Tibet, it was taking on the so called " First Bridge" of the river - The origin of Yangtze River

Well, not "Me" so much as "me, myself and I" but rather "me" as in "I was the one who copied this description off of Fkickr."

Gotta admit, though, pretty choice photo.

2008-08-19T19:03:00.002-05:00

How about these apples?

Bowler Down

2008-08-14T11:01:00.001-05:00

bowler down, rock-n-bowl
Originally uploaded by taciturnal

The old 'Bowl' sign from Jupiter Lanes in Dallas Texas.

I could not agree more.

2008-07-30T23:42:00.001-05:00

I could not agree more.
Originally uploaded by Harley_J

2008-07-29T19:53:00.003-05:00

You'll never guess who is playing at the Dallas Arboretum Thursday night concert series this week ...

... That would be Thursday, July 31.

Can you guess?

Can you?

Well, you don't have to.

Because I am about to tell you.

As oxymoronic and just plain moronic as it sounds, "Fast Lane," an Eagles "Tribute" band is performing. An Eagles TRIBUTE band? WTF is THAT?

Now, you may be aware of my long-standing feud against the Dallas Arboretum. But if you aren't, a restraining order prevents me from telling you about it.

But this time those petal-pushing mamby-pamby mama's boys at the Dallas Arboretum have gone too far. This type of naked aggression will not stand, I say.

IT

WILL

NOT

STAND!

Who will join me to protest this travesty of justice?

I am already preparing the signs, plackards and banners that I and, I am sure, thousands of concerned citizens will unfurl.

Signs, plackards and banners with slogans like ...

"Eagles Schmeagles. This Should be Illegal."

"Joe Walsh was the best thing about the Eagles.
(And he kinda sucked.)"

Fry Glenn Fry! Fry! Fry! Fry!

Save Walden Pond! But Punch Don Henley in the G** D****ed Mouth!

Take it Easy?!?!?!? I'll Tell YOU When I Want to 'Take it Easy'!!!!!!

Hotel California was Condemned 20 Years ago.

Timothy B. SCHMUCK!

And of course ...

We HATE the f***ing Eagles!

If you're worried about being "hassled" by the cops, fret not, as I will be bringing along a liberal supply of false mustaches which you can use to disguise yourself from the pigs.

Who's with me?

(P.S. If you need reasons to hate on the Eagles, I offer up this humble link.

2008-07-22T02:15:00.003-05:00

Ain't No Party Like a Hobbit Tea Party

For my money, the best hobbit rap EVER. And I didn't even particularly like the Lords of the Rings movies.

Fake Mustache Photo of the Week

2008-07-21T16:37:00.001-05:00

iPhone-photo
Originally uploaded by Rob L

My friend Rob Liao's daughter, taken (so Flickr tells me) with his iPhone (or somebody's iPhone at least).

2008-07-16T17:26:00.001-05:00

Saw this band on Monday night at Club Dada

And they were good.

Awesome fake mustaches at The Modern Til Midnight, April 18, 2008

2008-07-10T21:46:00.001-05:00

Awesome fake mustaches at The Modern Til Midnight, April 18, 2008
Originally uploaded by Harley_J

A great thing about this fake mustaches is also that it's NOT FAKE!!

This, I believe, is Curtis Heath, who plays accordion, mandolin and the guitar in a band called the Theater Fire.

And, also, me.

2008-07-10T21:40:00.002-05:00

The Whaler, The Cheat, 2 Whores & A Gun

You may remember my Awesome Fake Mustache photo from the Modern Art Musum in Fort Worth.

Well ... THIS little gem stars the same Curtis Heath from the Theatre Fire, of Fake Mustaches at the Modern Art Musum in Fort Worth fame!! Check it ...

All I know is that MY birthday wish is now to make a movie.

A movie with a whaler in it. That would be AWESOME. And wicked sweet.

2008-07-07T19:25:00.001-05:00

Interesting Banner Ad

And I'm interested in this musical too, should it ever end up coming to Dallas.

Gas Price Saver widget

2008-05-15T18:24:00.001-05:00

Here's a Facebook widget, imported into Midgetsandwerewolves.com just for you, pally.

Yes, Rory. I mean YOU.

2008-05-14T10:25:00.004-05:00

Won't you please be my Netflix friend?

Or something ...

Dept. of: Deadly Friends

Become my Netflix friend HERE >>

2008-05-09T10:14:00.003-05:00

Looking for that 'Gift that Keeps on Giving'?

Well, why not consider sponsoring a friend (an acquaintance even, or a stranger, or perhaps a friendly stranger of your acquaintance) on a Hike for Discovery (to cure Leukemia)?

You might want to even perhaps sponsor THIS particular stranger on a Hike for Discover?

Hike For Discovery is The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's adventure fundraising program that prepares people to experience a natural wonder in a special way.

This year, I'm training to hike Yosemite out in California, and at the same time I;n being all trained up, I'm raising funds to help the Society cure leukemia, lymphoma and myeloma. More than 712,000 Americans are battling these blood cancers. Your support of my participation in Hike For Discovery will help bring them hope and support.

I would sincerely (and even insincerely, if, you know, that's how you roll) appreciate your donation to support my participation in Hike for Discovery and help advance the Society's mission. I hope you'll visit my web site often, so that you can see how my training and fundraising efforts are going. Be sure to check back frequently to see my progress. Thanks - truthfully - for your support!

So if you're thinking "What can I get for Flag Day for the person who has everything?" Well, now you know.

Remember, that's www.active.com/donate/hfdntx/hfdHJebens -- perfect for ALL of your gift-giving needs. Birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, Flag Day Gifts (but of course), Facebook Engagement gifts, gifts for every occasion, gifts for no occasion ... you get the drill.

And thanks again!

2008-04-12T21:53:00.003-05:00

"Garage Sale This Weekend" is just so yesterday

Driving down the road earlier today I saw a sign that I think was supposed to read "Garage Sale," except some of the letters were kind of ... off. And I read it as reading this:

SAVAGE SALE

Now, I'm not much of a garage sale-er. I don't go to 'em. And I don't put 'em on. But a SAVAGE Sale? A Savage Sale is something I think I could probably get behind.

Now, I have no idea what a Savage Sale is, mind you. Doesn't matter.

Though I suspect strippers dressed like vikings are probably involved.

Fake Mustache Photo of the Week

2008-04-10T20:13:00.001-05:00

Dunkelman. Karl Dunkelman.
Originally uploaded by Harley_J

Dunkelman. Karl Dunkelman.

The best thing about this fake mustache? It's NOT fake.

it does scare me, though.

And, kinda, it makes me want to invent a time machine so I could go back in time to the 1970s and work as an undercover cop. Or as an extra in a Beastie Boys' video.