diatribes and dish

the gory details, pt. 1

2009-07-08T12:31:00.002-05:00

When I made the big announcement regarding my pregnancy, one commenter wrote that she wanted to hear all the gory details. Well, here are some of them.

I'm feeling nothing of the happiness and love that Ms. Feisty is currently experiencing. Rather, I'm feeling a bit of resentment.

Early pregnancy sucks. Pure and simple.

First, there's the nausea and general malaise.

Then there's the constant threat/worry of miscarriage.

Then there are the big announcements, which may or may not be welcomed by certain parties (ie. employers).

Then there's having to go to social functions without the benefit of booze. Do you know how lame a wedding is without booze? Or how about the entire 4th of July weekend? Barbecues? It's excruciatingly tough.

Then there's the crazy second semester stuff: headaches, bloody noses, shortness of breath and a rapidly decreasing wardrobe because NOTHING FITS ANYMORE.

Then there are the thoughts that, "Holy fuck, I no longer have freedom. I will have this kid forever. I won't be able to travel anymore. The phrase 'footloose and fancy free' no longer applies."

Then there's the really disappointing meeting with your bosses when they tell you what they're going to give you for maternity leave.

Then there's the realization that anything fun I planned to do before the baby comes is now out of the question because all my money is now going toward baby-related items, not the least of which is our survival during the period when I will be receiving no compensation from my employers. My last big fling to New Orleans I was going to take in October? Gone. The Wii I wanted for my birthday? Nope. Fuck fuck fuck.

And what benefits have I experienced so far? I heard the heartbeat.

This may sound cold, but 15+ weeks in, I don't feel like I've bonded much with the baby. I mean, what is there to bond to? You can't feel it, you have no relationship to it, and all it seems to have done so far is interrupt my life.

I went out at lunch today, and I met an acquaintance on the street. As soon as she saw me, she showered me with congratulations and excitement. As we were separating, she said, "It's SO worth it."

"I hope so," I said. And I really do because, right now, it's the pits.

little houses made of ticky tacky

2009-07-01T11:05:00.005-05:00

Or, as the case may be, Laffy Taffy. Or Ding Dongs. Or Big Macs and Cokes from the McDonalds drive-thru.

I don't know if you remember a couple months ago when Anna Wintour made a statement regarding her observations of Minnesotans' obese tendencies. These were her words:

I'd just been on a trip to Minnesota, where I can only describe most of the people I saw as little houses.

I was miffed at the time I first read the quote. I mean, Minnesota is generally known as one of the healthiest places to live. Clean air, clean water, clean environment, readily-available medical care--the list goes on and on.

Yes, people in the Midwest are sometimes described as being "thicker" than those living in warmer climes. And I am among those "thicker" types.

But, hell, at least I'm not from the South.

Once again, the South has dominated the obesity contests, as recently reported in this report. And where does Minnesota come in?

31st.

We're below the median. And many notable states, such as Pennsylvania, Washington and Oregon, rank higher (more obese) than Minnesota.

So if most of the people in Minnesota are little houses, does that mean most of the people in these other states are little mansions, little office buildings or little Pentagons?

Really, though, in light of the findings of the report, I just want to tell Anna Wintour to go suck it. Why single Minnesota out when it's doing better than the balance of the country?

Don't pick on my state unless you want my wrath, bitch. Oh, and Anna? Your hair is ugly.

finally

2009-06-30T13:50:00.003-05:00

The great state of Minnesota finally has its second senator. Only seven months or so late.

Yay for Al Franken! And for the Minnesota Supreme Court!

My fetus and I are happy. I'm proud of my blue state.

Now all this assumes that Norm Coleman won't file yet another appeal, which I suppose he could, but I think he'd waste a large chunk of the little political capital he has left if he pulled that move.
So, warily I say again, yay!

Now I'm curious to see what the Senate can do.

you know what's good?

2009-06-24T13:04:00.003-05:00

A mid-pregnancy fountain coke from McDonalds. It's almost as good as a morning-after-a-bender fountain coke from McDonalds. Almost.*

So, yeah, I'm pregnant. Just kicked off the second trimester, and I think I'm going to like it. Compared to the first trimester, though, I'm sure just about anything would be an upgrade.

I reached the big milestone of 13 weeks this past Sunday. On Monday, I still felt the pukey affecting my every move, just waiting for the opportunity to pounce and launch me into a series of dry heaves.

Yesterday, though. Yesterday, I felt pretty damn good. And it was weird, I actually didn't get sick from eating. No dry heaves at all. I even helped Mr. W eat an entire bowl of popcorn, which I hadn't been able to do for the past 7 weeks or so.

And today? A craving. For a Big Mac.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know it's not healthy or organic or gourmet, but, f$%&, was it good.

I know I'm going to have to rein it in and start eating the healthy stuff for the baby's development, blah blah blah, but for today, or this afternoon at least, I'm going to revel in my eating prowess.

On that note, I'm off to find me a Milky Way.

*I actually used the time it took me to travel between the drive thru and my workplace to analyze which was better. On one hand, in light of the fact that I have not had caffeine in over a week, the coke I had for lunch today was really fantastic. On the other, as I'm sure all my (two) readers know, that coke during a hangover, when you're parched and tired and headachy and nauseous and know you're going to have episodic diarrhea, is super really amazing fantastic. So hangover coke won.

liveblogging a court appearance

2009-06-04T17:13:00.001-05:00

So...I'm again waiting for a hearing to begin, and this time I'm spending the time marveling at the sight of a 65+ year old woman wearing a fake blonde Barbie doll pony tail perched perkily atop her old lady blow out. I guess some people done get gussied up for court!

liveblogging a tribute concert

2009-05-28T21:06:00.001-05:00

I'm sitting at a concert in which the various artists are performing their renditions of Johnny Cash and Neil Young songs.

I just heard one of said artists didjeridoo "Sugar Mountain".

I have lived.

in need of a new home

2009-05-27T20:58:00.003-05:00

So...after much deliberation, I've decided that I need to find my kitty Lola a new home. She's a sweet cat but independent. Definitely not a lap cat.

I'll be sad to let her go.

If you know of anyone who may be interested, please let me know.

liveblogging a township property tax meeting

2009-05-12T09:46:00.000-05:00

At or before the crack of dawn this morning, I jumped in the car and drove north to appeal a property tax assessment. Seems everyone is feeling the pinch, including small rural townships. This particular township, though, is home to some of Minnesota's prime lakeshore real estate, so when they saw the need and the opportunity to collect revenue, they took it. In a BIG way. Considering I'm one of about 40 people commencing an appeal, I have a feeling this is going to take a long time.

I've mentioned on this blog before that I love township law. Everything is informal. The cases often require that I view the property at issue. I've actually had to wear mud boots in the line of my lawyerly duties. For me, that's way better than sitting behind a desk all day.

Plus, and this is no small plus, I actually get to bill big chunks of time while listening to my favorite tunes, sipping on a latte, and watching the countryside whiz by on the way to my particular destination. It's almost as good as if I could bill for watching my favorite show. Love it.

Anyway, it'll be my turn to speak here in a minute so I should run. Wish me (and my clients luck)!

yeah, right.

2009-04-24T13:22:00.005-05:00

I was reading one of the blogs on my blogroll--one of those considered to be a "mommy" blog--and found the ad that I'll post below.

First, though, on my reading of the mommy blogs, I'm not quite sure why I'm so intrigued by these mommies and their kids, born and soon to be born. Maybe because I'm fascinated that these people would share such personal stuff so openly. Possibly because I have no idea what's going on in that realm, and if I ever want to have a kid someday, maybe I should learn. Or maybe because their kids are cute. Who knows.

Anyway, onto the ad. It's an American Apparel ad, so the fact that it is what it is should not come as a surprise. I can't say I've ever really liked an American Apparel ad--average, non-make-upped people in nondescript cotton clothes just don't do it for me.

This one doesn't just not do it for me, it makes me want to barf and laugh at the same time:

Isn't that just horrible? Who the fuck would dress like that? And if it's warm enough to prance around in a unitard, aren't the leggings a bit superfluous? I don't think anyone that pregnant is going to be pulling off any "Fame" moves any time soon.

Based on the sheer ridiculousness of the ad, I clicked on the "here" link, just to see what other "comfy and cute" looks they offered, and let me tell you, you're looking at about the best of it.

I then started looking at other stuff on the site, including new styles "coming soon"--among them, and I kid you not, was a hair bow. Like the ones you wore in your hair in the late 80s.

When I saw that, I was all, "Fuck you American Apparel. I'm done with this shit."

And even though I have never owned a piece of American Apparel clothing, I am. Done. With that shit.

here it is

2009-04-17T18:40:00.001-05:00

Summertime.

Ahhhhhhhh.

at this point

2009-04-07T12:52:00.003-05:00

This point is the point at which you walk away.

When, in a couple years, you could build a house for marginally more than the house you're considering.

New house, new construction, your choice, your style.

Nothing to fix, nothing to redo.

Yup, this is the point.

Hear that? That's the sound of my heels on the hardwoods, walking away.

at what point do you walk away?

2009-04-06T14:09:00.002-05:00

OK, the house.

We want it.

The seller's not making it easy on us, though.

The septic is failing. It still works, but it's not in compliance with applicable codes, and it will need to be replaced within the next 2 years.

The seller has indicated that she will not pony up ANY funds toward that expense.

I think that's bullshit.

I know the sale's tight. I know she owes very close to the asking price. However, I also know that she already stripped out about $60K in equity from the place within the last five years. So I don't really feel sorry for her.

But all of that doesn't really matter. What matters is what we now do in response. Counter with halfsies? Give her the under-the-chin italian finger snap and a hearty "vaffanculo"?

I don't know. Boo. I hate uncertainty.

i'm a lucky bitch

2009-04-05T21:40:00.001-05:00

More about my weekend to follow, but as I sit here in the Mpls airport waiting for my flight to Duluth, I'm reflecting on how absolutely lucky I am that I have my girls in my life.

The laughter, holy shit, the laughter.

The frankness, the openness, the knowledge that these girls will be with me forever.

Eff me, I'm tearing up.

EKC just called, we're both elbow deep in a bottle of wine. I'm sure her bottle's way yummier than mine, considering mine's the house at the airport TGI Fridays, but, anyway, I love it that we're doing the same thing a couple time zones apart.

Shit, I'm getting all Feivel (or drunk) on your asses...Ok time to wrap up.

Thanks, girls, for yet another truly fantastic weekend. I love you guys!!!!!

liveblogging my weekend getaway

2009-04-03T17:24:00.000-05:00

So...I'm sitting here in Scottsdale, Arizona having dandy old time. I got in yesterday evening, and after a ride across town, finally arrived at the gorgeous home of my friend EKC's in-laws for Girls' Weekend 2009.

It goes without saying, but Arizona is SO different from Minnesota, and right now, that's a very good thing.

The weather's been nice, if a little cool, but it's still better than the near- freezing temps at home.

And check out the back patio of the house at which we're staying. One word: Stunning.

Just got a pedi:

And going for dinner tonight. Tomorrow, more of the same.

I love girls' weekends.

out of the blue

2009-04-02T08:12:00.002-05:00

I made an offer on a house last night.

Granted, it's a contingent offer, so there are a plethora of little things that could make the whole deal go away, not to mention the possibility that the seller won't accept my offer, but still. An offer.

I made it alone, too, without Mr. W's involvement. This relates to the fact that the credit market's in the toilet, and Mr. W already has a house and an investment property on his credit report.

But, anyway.

Holy shit.

Two weeks ago? We weren't even looking.

Then Mr. W found this house on a local realtor's website, and we decided to go take a look.

We loved.

The yard? Awesome.

The storage? About 3x more than we have now.

The fact that it's close to town, yet still surrounded by woods? Exactly what we wanted.

The kitchen? Tres puke. But hey, for the price, we can fix it up in due time.

So, AHHHHH!

I'm super excited, but I'm trying to temper my excitement because, as mentioned above, the sale's contingent on us selling our home.

My mantra is trite but applicable, "If it's meant to be, it will be."

wow.

2009-03-27T23:23:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, I forget why I'm a fan. Usually this occurs about 2/3 to 3/4 into the Minnesota Vikings regular season, when everything falls apart.

But tonight, TONIGHT, holy moly rocky.

Now that was a game.

UMD (University of Minnesota Duluth), the alma mater of both my father and husband, pulled the proverbial rabbit out of the proverbial hat.

39 seconds left in the game. Things were grim. UMD pulled their goalie, and scored two, yes TWO, goals in that final 39 seconds to tie the game.

And then in sudden death overtime? SCORE!!!!! UMD wins.

I haven't been a part of the winning side of such an exciting sporting event in, I don't know, forever?

And I'm not one of those types of people who can compartmentalize. No. When I'm following a game, that game is the entirety of my life.

So tonight? Was a very awesome night.

Good luck 'Dogs!!!

eye spy

2009-03-22T13:37:00.004-05:00

I recently blogmitted (get it? Blogmitted? Admitted on my blog? I'm so freaking clever.) that I have some heavy baggage and wrinkles under my eyes. I think it's the result of genetics, asthma (and related pharmaceuticals) and not-so-clean living in my twenties. OK, ok, in my thirties, too. Anyway, I've recently become annoyed enough about the situation to actually try to do something about it.

In conjunction with a recent order from Sephora, I was sent a sample of StriVectin Instant Deep Wrinkle Filler. I want your input. Based on the photos below, did it do anything for me?

Before:

After:

So, what do you think?

My thought? It didn't do $59 worth of wrinkle-filling. I think I see a little difference, but it's negligible.

Does anyone out there have any products they like for this kind of thing? Or any products they LOVE and can't live without? I'd appreciate any recommendations.

So would Lola. She was sitting in this box wondering what the hell I was doing when I was taking all these photos of my right eye. She would appreciate recommendations for anything that would reduce my crazy factor.

P.S. Note the part in my eyebrow. I can't tell you how much aggravation that little feature has caused me throughout my life. Seriously, look at those hairs grow toward the middle of my head. So stupid.

oh to be rich

2009-03-20T16:19:00.006-05:00

Remember when I showed you how great Katie Holmes looked at a recent movie premier?

Well, she had better look great because her makeover cost $43,000. Yes, that's right, FORTY-THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS.

Foxnews.com posted a report from the UK's Daily Mail that Ms. Holmes camped out at the Tokyo Ritz Carlton for 48 hours before her debut. Her treatments included hair extentions ($2,983), spa treatments, ($10,123) and tooth veneers ($28,921) and makeup ($1,446).

And now, like a week later, she looks like this.

So, let me get this straight. $43,000 and she's back to looking exactly like she did BEFORE the makeover?!?

I'm sure that one night was SO worth the money.

it starts off so well

2009-03-20T08:54:00.004-05:00

I stayed up drinking until 2:30 last night. Or this morning, I guess.

I haven't done that on a school night in probably three years. When I used to do it all the time.

I feel damn good, too. And I'm just not trusting it.

Sometimes, when I wake up after going on a bender, I actually look better than normal. My cheeks are rosy, my lips are plump and my eyes are wide open. This usually lasts about an hour.

Then I realize my cheeks are rosy because my rosacea's starting to flare up, and the ugly little bumps will be canvassing my face in no time.

My lips are plump because they're horribly chapped.

And my eyes are wide open because my body's asking my brain, with fear and alarm, "What the fuck did you do to me last night?"

Then it starts to change. The center of my universe decides to camp at a point right between my eyebrows. All my energy, all my focus, and all my care in the world just decides to sit in this one little point and it HURTS. My eyes go squinty due to lack of sleep. My lower GI tract should be starting to bark right about ... yep, there it is. Excuse me.

OK. Back.

I'm pale now. And all I want is sleep and ibuprofen. It's 9:04 a.m. Holy hell, this is going to be a tough day.

stay at our house!

2009-03-19T17:47:00.002-05:00

Actually, on second thought, don't.

Mr. W offered up our home as a stopover for some of his friends as they travel up north for a cabin weekend. Me? Not too whipped on the idea.

It's taken me a while to realize it, but I've determined that I'm not a fan of having overnight guests.

It's not because I'm a cold bitch. It's the opposite.

I worry much too much about their comfort.

With the doggies and the kitty, things at our house are not quiet. Or particularly clean.

And this visit? Mr. W's headed out for his own northwoods weekend at the insanely early hour of 4 a.m.

And I have to get ready for work, which, on normal mornings, requires the use of 3 separate room. (What can I say? I like my space. I spread things out. So sue me.)

So these poor souls will have to put up with him. Then the loud pets. Then me. And I'm sure all they will want is some peace and quiet.

Ugh.

Just not good.

bright lights, small city

2009-03-18T10:29:00.006-05:00

I brought my camera to work today because, the other day, as I was turning onto London Road toward downtown, I caught a glimpse of a gorgeous sunrise over Lake Superior. No such luck today, but the view outside my office window is inspiring nonetheless. To wit:

This whole area was filled with ice as recently as last week. I can't tell you how heartening it is that it is now open. While I'm much too pessimistic to declare that spring has sprung, I will venture to say it's coming. Thank goodness. Because I was thisclose to getting a prescription for Wellbutrin.

sunday cookday

2009-03-15T10:12:00.005-05:00

One of my favorite traditions is, when I'm not out of town, making Sunday my day to cook. I find something I've never made before, and I try it out. Today is Coq au Vin. I know it's more of a wintery-type dish, but when the yard's still full of snow, I think it's acceptable.

First, though, I came across the last of my frozen blueberries and raspberries from last summer, so I'm going to whip up a batch of my mom's blueberry muffins. They're my favorite, super light, not the dense bricks you get at coffeeshops.

Cream shortening, sugar and eggs and then alternately mix in dry ingredients (flour, baking powder and salt) and milk.

Add floured berries. I only had one cup of blueberries, so I used a cup of raspberries, too. Both were picked from my mom's backyard last summer. Ahhhh summer, how I miss you and long for your return.

But anyway, spoon into muffin cups and sprinkle with sugar.

Bake for 20 minutes.

Slather with butter. Mmmmm.

Onto the Coq au Vin. I used a recipe from a Barefoot Contessa, and I think it's pretty darn good.

First, cut up a whole chicken. This was a first for me. Luckily, I have a cookbook that explains the proper way to do this, so I didn't completely mangle the poor bird.

The recipe starts with sauteing some bacon and then browning the chicken pieces.

After the chicken is browned, saute carrots and onions and, later, garlic.

Add some brandy and cook that off, and then add chicken stock, red wine and thyme. Bring to a boil and then put in the oven.

Finished product. Very, very yum.

Now I have to go clean up. Always the worst part.

book smarts don't necessarily equal common sense

2009-03-14T10:13:00.009-05:00

Most people, at least those in Duluth, know that we had a snow event this past week. While our trusty local weatherpeople were predicting up to 16 inches of snow, we ended up with 4-5. Fine by me.

This 4-5, though, was still enough to throw a wrench into my life.

Mr. W's out of town this week. And snow removal falls squarely on his side of our domestic division of labor. In the 3+ years we've lived together, I don't remember ever shoveling. And snow-blowing is definitely his bailiwick.

But, because I absolutely HATE wet ankles, I got my ass out of bed before 6 a.m. to remove the snow from the walkway between the house and the garage. (I'm lazy. If I didn't hate wet ankles, I wouldn't have even shoveled that much. I would've just trudged through it and waited for the snow to melt. It is MARCH, after all.)

I didn't bother removing the snow from the driveway because I knew my all-wheel-drive vehicle could power through. The rest of my yard didn't even enter my mind.

We got our mail the day after the storm. I saw the steps of the mailman through the snow up to the front of our house. It did not occur to me to shovel the front walkway.

We did not get any mail the next two days. This was weird, but I just figured that because the economy's so bad, no one's sending junk mail anymore. I actually thought this. The thought of shoveling, again, never crossed my mind.

Today, we got our mail. A big bundle of it. Stamped clearly on the envelope atop the bundle was a note, "Mail delivery may be suspended due to failure to remove snow and/or ice."

What?

Now that I think of it, I get it. Postal delivery is a privilege and not a right.

But still.

What about the Postal Service's creed*?

Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.

Perhaps there should be a qualifier.

Neither snow (other than snow that has not been removed within a reasonable time after the end of a snow event, such reasonable time not to exceed twenty-four (24) hours after the official end of the snow event as designated and reported by the local trusty weatherpeople) nor rain ...

Just so clueless people like me know.

Anyway, I guess I'll get off my duff and shovel the front sidewalk today.

*Wikipedia informs me that the USPS does not actually have an official motto or creed. The commonly-accepted "creed" is engraved on one of the post offices in New York. I think it's been used in an ad campaign, though, so close enough.

fuji!!!!!

2009-03-13T19:52:00.007-05:00

I bought a new camera in Singapore. I had planned to buy a digital SLR, but after seeing the features of this high tech point and shoot, I was hooked. Here it is:

Trust me; it's a beaut.

The new hardware has caused me to become somewhat of an artsy fartsy amateur photographer. The following are some of my favorite shots from our trip to Southeast Asia:

Best portraits:

And self portrait:

Finally, the first night after the daylight savings 'spring forward'

so, i'm going to grace you all with a new post ...

2009-03-13T16:33:00.008-05:00

... 'cuz my posts are that fucking cool, yo.

Just kidding, of course.

Since about June of last year, I've had a big mental block with regard to the blog. A struggle because somehow I got it in my head that each and every post needs to be a masterpiece. Or funny. Or poignant. Or worthwhile.

Now, I'm saying fuck it.

I'm just going to write about whatever I feel like. Maybe dear diary, maybe dear universe, maybe neither of those things. Who really cares anyway? All we all want is a little entertainment, right?

So, without further ado, my "whatever I feel like" post today relates to Katie Holmes' extensions that she showed off at Tom Cruise's Valkyrie Japan premier. Remember what she looked like last summer?

Look at her now. 1000000% better, non?

It's amazing what some extensions and a little make-up can do for a person. She shines even while wearing that straight-from-the-depths-of-fugly-hell dress.

Tom Cruise looks about 1000000% better, too. I've read rumors he got a face lift and lost some weight. I'm thinking yeah. If not a facelift, then definitely some sort of chemical peel.

Speaking of peels (nice segue, or segoo, as I like to pronounce it), I've recently switched to the philosophy "make-up optional" skin care line, which consists of a face wash, a firming serum, moisturizer, an eye- and lip-firming cream, and a weekly micro-something peel.

Digging the face wash and moisturizer.

Am having a mad, passionate love affair with the peel. It is the best thing I've ever done for my face.

It's a two-step process. The first step consists of massaging some orangey-smelling crystals onto the face. The directions are careful to say that the crystals should be "massaged" not "rubbed" into the skin, but they don't clarify the difference between the two actions. Am I supposed to turn down the lights and put on some Enya or something? Pop in that Kama Sutra DVD?

The second step consists of putting a softsoap-like activator over the crystals. When the activator is applied, the concoction foams and gets all nice and warm. I suppose here's where the low lights and Enya could come in handy. Ooooh, yeah.

Anyway, the instructions say to leave the peel on for two minutes, wash off and then voila!!!! Awesome, gorgeous, glowing, velvety skin. I suppose I could employ the overused claim that it's softer than a baby's butt, but frankly, I have no idea how soft babies' butts are. I was never a babysitter, and I have no close family members with babies, so I've had no opportunity to get up close and personal. I do know velvet, though, and that's what my face feels like after the peel.

The eye- and lip-firming cream? OK, I guess. Definitely moisturizing, but almost too much if you're going to wear make-up (which, despite, the name of the skincare line, is still necessary in my case because I have some seriously dark and heavy baggage under my eyes).

And the serum? Jury's out. I'll probably use it up, and then go without to see if it's really necessary.

So, anyway, on that random note, have great weekends all. I know I will ... I get to do the peel tomorrow. Oh yeah, baby.