just whatever!

...I will remember you. Will you remember me?

2008-11-06T21:05:00.000-08:00

I would always wonder if you have ever remember it was my birthday last 4th of November?

If you did, did you even greet me even if I could not hear it?

Do you still remember me? Think of me? or what you told me before you left?

Do you still love me?

or remember what you used to feel about me?

I was in a mess.

I didn't know I will ever be able to fix. I was so hoping you would call then, because I knew you are the only person in this world who can help me clear things out.

But there were no signs from you. It's OK. I understand. I know the situation. I just hope that I won't find myself in that situation again... But if faith played with me again, and if i happen to be in that difficult situation again...

I hope to feel your hands when I try to reach out for help,

or i'll never know if I will again find the right answer, or will I ever find the right way back to you.

Because it was so damn hard to be alone in that battle of confusion.

My almost BF, My newfound FRIEND

2008-10-31T08:50:00.000-07:00

ALmost BF...

Itago nalang natin siya sa pangalang "TAZ".. he was my highschool crush who became my almost boyfriend nung college nako. Although never kaming naging mag classmates at hindi rin kami gaanong nagkaron ng mahabang panahon na maging close nung high school kami, hindi naman nawala yung communication namin till now. Thanks to cellphones.Pinsan siya ng kaibigan ko. Magkasing edad kami at mag ka-batch din kaya sabay kami grumaduate nung highschool. Nakilala ko siya patapos na ng 3rd year eh.. di ko na nga masyadong matandaan kung anong eksaktong pangyayari... basta pagdating nung 4th Yr magkatabi yung classroom namin. Bago ako makarating sa classroom namin mapapadaan muna ako sa classroom nila... hindi ko talaga siya ka-close.. kabatian pwede pa.. hindi rin siya popular..hindi matalino... (sorry tan!) at lalong hindi siya heartthrob. :) Basta nung mga highschool kami,isa siya sa mga estudyanteng lalaki na maganda magdala ng uniform... at neat looking.. kahit uwian na, maputi pa rin tingnan yung uniform niya. :) at mabait siya.. yun ang napansin ko... hindi ko alam kung kailan ko siya simulang nagustuhan.. siguro kasi napansin ko lagi niya akong tinitingnan.. hehe.. OO siguro yun ang umpisa hanggang naramdaman ko gusto ko na rin siya.. Ewan ganun kasi ako eh. I have plenty of crushes, everywhere I go I have crushes.hehe. Crush sa mababaw na kahulugan.. yung hindi nadedevelop.. yung crush na yun lalalim lang kung yung taong pinapatungkulan nun, ramdam ko gusto rin ako.. siguro kasi sa ganyang mga bagay realistic ang approach ko. Kung hindi ako gusto, bakit ko naman sasayangin yung panahon ko sa pag keep ng special feelings na yun kung hindi naman maii-reciprocate. Yes. Yung ganung klaseng feelings or love dapat nirereciprocate. Don't give me that crap about unconditional love.. bakit mag kamag-anak ba kayo?!?!?

Halos buong highschool life ko isa lang ang taong gusto ko...si Mark. Si Mark na nung gradeschool kami eh sobrang bully. Si Mark Na inis na inis ako dati kasi feeling ko masama ang ugali niya. Si Mark na nung mag highschool kami e full support saken sa speed typing sa aming computer class... Si Mark na kahit inaalipusta yung favorite kong basketball player na si vince Hizon e binibigyan din o pinapahiram naman ako ng magazine about Vince. Si Mark na kahiraman ko ng song hits.Si Mark na minsan kasabay namin maglakad pauwi pag hindi ako nakakasabay sa service... Si Mark... and dami ko rin palang memories kasama si Mark. Siguro kasi magkasama naman kasi kami bata pa lang kami...Si Mark na later on naging crush ko... ewan ko ba.. hindi ako sigurado kung gusto rin niya ao dati, pero maraming pagkakataon kasi dati na ganun yung ipinaramdam niya sa akin.. oh may naalala ako.. nung 1st yr at yun or 2nd yr nung nagsisimula ko pa lang siyang magustuhan.. nun kasing time na yun nag start na siyang mag mature.. naging gentleman.. naging humble.. tumalino.. naging mas patawa... me science trip kami sa something like "AERO SPACE" CHUVA na nakatayo dati sa tabi ng SPLASH ISLAND RESORT. During that time di pa ako sure kung crush ko talaga siya.. basta hindi pa full blown nung time na yun... after the trip me booth dun na pwedeng lagyan ng sticker na susulatan mo ng pangalan mo... meron kaming classmate na kilala na me crush sa kanya. She was new then. Transferee. Dun sa trip na yun almost all the time lagi lang kami magkasunod ni Mark, so nung marating namin yung booth for stickers halos sabay din kami.. I wasn't really that interested na ilagay yung name ko dun kasi wala naman ako hawak na sticker.. Tapos nagdatingan yung iba pa, dumating yung barkada barkadahan nung classmate namin na me crush sa kanya, so kantiyawan and all that, lahat kami andun sa loob ng parang tent na yun.. and then me extra stickers sila nakita na wala pa atang name.. sinabihan nila si mark na isulat yung mga names nila... sinulat naman ni Mark. And there was one empty sticker left. There he wrote HIS name and MINE. I was shocked Na happy kasi nun sinulat niya yun, sinulat niya as if bigla lang niyang naalala na yung name ko wala pa dun sa remembrance chuva na yun, na as if hindi niya intention na yung name naming dalawa yung magkasama sa isang sticker...Ewan ko kung sinadya niya.. yeah feeling ko sinadya niya..tsaka kung hindi niya sinadya, siguro ibang tao yung isasama niya diun sa name niya that time. magkaibigan din kami pero mas close siya dun sa ibang taong nasa loob din ng tent nayun..Kaya after that incident super crush ko na siya! :) and there were a lot of instances pa before na di ko na marecall ngayon eh.. basta madalas lang na nahuhuli ko siyang nakatingin, ganun... in a room full of people magkakatinginan kayong dalawa... at never niya akong tinukso dun sa isang friend niya na may crush daw saken simula grade five kami. Hehe. Natatandaan ko nun grade six kami may iniabot sa aking diskette yung isa kong classmate tapos tingnan ko daw yung... di ko maalala kung ako yung dapat tingnan.. basta meron dun na WLP. Which stands for Wilmar Loves Pia. Hehe. grade school nga naman.. :) Basta yun, I was almost certain, Mark liked me too. meron pa akong natatandaan na nag fo-floor wax kami ng room, malapit ako dun sa bintana na me grills, siyempre mga girls yung naghihirap at yung mga boys nakatambay muna habang nag fo-floor wax pa kasi ang trabaho nila is mag-bunot ng sahig para kumintab. Nun nag floor wax ako, napunta ako dun sa bintana na me grills, tapos pagtayo ko paharap sa labas , Si Mark pala yung nasa harap ko, nasa labas nga lang siya ng room at me pader na nakapagitan sa amin hanggang sa me tiyan ko then the rest grills na. Nakatayo ako dun, siya rin kaya magkaharap kami. me itinuro siya sa mukha ko.. Ipinasok niya yung kamay niya sa grills at hinawakan niya yung mukha ko. Yung parang pinadaan niya yung palm niya sa mukha ko.. yun.. wala lang, nag ngitian lang kami tapos kinunutan ko siya ng noo. Diko kasi maintindihan kung A. Maydumi ako sa Mukha B. Gusto niya akong inisin or C. Gusto niyang maglambing :) ano nga kaya?? Siguro A.. pero kasi wala naman siyang tinaggal na dumi eh... hmn...

Ang saya ng highschool ko. Punong puno ng kakiligan. HAHA! hanggang mag 4th year gusto ko si Mark. Pero ewan ko ba kung ano na ang nangyari. Nung time na yun napapansin ko na si TAZ. Kasi extra attention din naman yung binibigay sa akin nung isang yun eh. kahit di kami magkasama sa classroom, ipaparamdam at ipaparamdam niya sayo na medyo special ka.. ganun.. nung time na yun medyo nalilito nako sa binibigay na signals ni Mark. Yun bang minsan pakiramdam mo gusto ka niya, na kulang lang sabihin niya na gusto ka niya, minsan naman dadating sayo yung doubt kung gusto ka nga ba niya or over active lang ang imagination mo.. ganun.. it went on for a while din.. nahirapan ako kasi there were other girls involved. Siyempre nakakaselos ito, lalo pa yung iba e medyo expressive e ang lola niyo may pagka conservative. Hanggang tingin lang ang kayang gawin... dumating sa time na pinabayan ko na si Mark dun sa mga issues niya sa ibang girls kasi unti-unti ko ng napapansin si TAZ... medyo nagkakalapit na rin kami... so ang saya ng buhay... pero between the two, siyempre si mark yung mas gusto ko kasi sa tagal ng panahon na gusto ko siya, hindi naman siguro ganun kadaling mawala yun... pero yun nga dumating sa point na pinili ko na lang na itago siya. ilagay sa likod ng isip ko at bigyan ng konting attention itong pa cute na crush na onti-onti ko ng na fe-feel para dito kay TAZ.Then one day habang nag hihintay ng sunod na klase ng araw na yun, computer class ata yun... Mark seated beside me ata... Hindi ko na matandaan, basta that day he was extra attentive... extra attentive... parang bumili pa siya ng strawberry shake ata yun tapos ssabi niya share kami...diko sure a kung that day yun or what pero feeling ko ginawa niya yun nung araw na yun e. Basta that day, iba yung attention na binibigay niya saken... that day I was a bit surprised kasi yung kilig na ine-expect ko na maramdaman, hindi ko maramdaman. Ewan. Para bang kulang na... yun. Then the next day, umabsent ako... Yung sunod na araw na pumasok ako, nabalitaan ko official ng mag boyfriend sina Mark at Day na classmate ko din. I felt a bit shocked. But hurt? Surprisingly..NO. Shocked kasi I felt that there's something wrong somewhere... But I didn't make a big deal out of it kasi nga hindi naman ako affected talaga. Me naramdaman pa rin ako... a bit betrayed? ewan ko, siguro hindi yun ang tamang word para i describe kung ano yung naramdaman ko eh kasi sobrang strong nung salitang yun... pero whatever is the reason why Mark was extra attentive to me that day must have something to do with that. Naging sila right after that day.. Kung kelang absent ako. Oh well,si Mark lang ang nakakaalam nun... And narealize ko na kaya hindi ganun kalaki ang impact saken nung pangyayari na yun was because nalipat na kay TAZ yung feelings ko na dati binibigay ko lang kay Mark. Narealize ko kasi na ang taong 'to, hindi man magsalita at umamin na gusto ka, consistent naman. Si Mark, parang takot siyang malaman ng ibang tao na gusto niya ako. So minsan mararamdaman ko lalo na the way helooked at me, pero after that parang gagawa naman siya ng bagay na lilito sayo as if iba yung taong talagang gusto niya.. ganun.

Laking pasasalamat ko na rin nung time na yun kasi parang nasalba ako sa pain na mararamdaman ko if ever.. kasi sobrang gusto ko si Mark. Nung highschool ko naramdaman yung pag nakahiga ako tapos maisip ko lang na baka si ano naman talaga yung gusto niya.. parang biglang bibilis yung tibok ng puso ko na minsan parang masakit na sa katawan... kaya alam ko, kung until the time na maging sila ni Day e si Mark pa rin yung gusto ko, alam ko magiging masakit yun ng sobra para sa akin. All my friends were even extra gentle saken that day.. Kasi hindi ko pa nakwento sa kanila yung "nangyayari sa amin ni TAZ". So ala pa sila Idea na ibang tao na yung gusto ko. Kaya nung nikwento ko sa kanila, masaya sila at sabi nila napansin din daw nila na madalas nga siyang tumingin sa akin.

May pagkakataon na manghihiram si TAZ kay Meyce ng calculator, since ang upuan namin malapit sa bintana, dun na lang niya iniaabot yung calculator. Pag inabot niya yun habang nag te-thank you siya sa kaibigan ko, sa akin siya nakatingin...nakangiti... minsan nagdesign kami ng isang room sa Gradeschool Dept kasama ko si me-anne kasi yun ang natoka sa amin na responsibility, para yun sa Foundation day so gagawa kami ng horror booth. Kailangang takpan ng diyaryo yung buong room para dumilim, andun si TAZ kahit wala namn siya responsibility dun kase di naman kami magka-klase at tinutulungan kami sa pagdidikit ng mga dyaryo. Siya yung pinaakyat namin sa magkakapatong na silya para idikit yung dyaro na halos umabot na sa kisame ng classroom. Natatandaan ko tinawag niya si me-anne.. sabi niya "Otazu!" tapos me inabot siya... hehe ayaw niya ako utusan... MAHAL AKO NUN EH. :) Tapos ang inabot pala niya eh yung gunting na bakal kasi kailangan na niyang bumaba. And again inabot niya yun ng hindi nakatingin sa taong inaabutan niya kasi nakatingin na naman siya saken at nakangiti. Napangiti rin ako. Kasi naman, Yung kaibigan ko na inaabutan niya ng gunting eh walang kamalay malay na nanganganib pala ang buhay niya incase mabitawan ni TAZ ang gunting na hindi pa niya nahahawakan dahil sa ibang tao naman nakatingin.. which is saken. :) OH well. hehe basta masaya ako kahit sa mga simpleng bagay lang niya naiiparamdam nun na gusto niya ako... minsan tatambay lang yan sa tapat ng room pag P.E. class namin... basta visible lang lagi si TAZ nun... hindi siya nawawala sa paningin ko, kahit magkaiba naman kami ng schedule kasi nga hindi kami magka section.Yung email address ko na tazmaru_17 nabuo ko yun dahil sa kanya... madalas me nagtatanong saken bakit tazmaru, ang sasabihin ko na lang aksi favorite ko si Tazmanian devil eh. Hindi! Ang totoo TAZ kasi katunog yun ng last name niya na pag yung isang letter iniba mo ng ayos yun na mismo yung last name niya... at MARU kasi nakuha ko from the word maroon na katunog naman ng first name niya at number 17 na result pag pinag add mo ang 9 at 8. Yun kasi ang result sa love calculator na nauso sa school namin dati pag nilagay mo ang buong pangalan ko at ni TAZ and that is 98. Parang me mga pangyayari pa na dapat ilagay ko dito pero hindi ko maalala eh... masyado nang matagal...

Oo. masyadong mahabang panahon na nga ang lumipas since magtapos kami ng highschool. Imagine 16 lang ako ng matapos ako ng highschool. In a few days, I'll be 25.At hanggang ngayon wala pang something really really "BIG" or "maganda" na nagyayari sa akin... or maybe meron hindi ko lang mapansin kasi iba ang gusto ko...

Sa ngayon among all the people from my Highschool si Cookie, Meyce, Melissa lang ang talagang may constant akong communication.. and yeah si TAZ. Si me-anne kasi minsan lang.. Si shiena college pa lang me sariling buhay na at hindi na nagpakita sa amin. Siguro fault ko rin kasi pag me reunions hindi ako sumasama... Kasi nun nag college ako naiba talaga ang mundo ko eh. Hindi naman sa ako lang kasi ang nag-aral sa Manila, marami rin sa kanila ang ang-aral sa Manila, pero ako kasi Pusod talaga ng Manila ang lugar na pinag-aralan ko. Ibang-iba. Ang bilis ng takbo ng buhay. Parang lahat ng taong nakilala ko palaban sa buhay. lahat competitive kahit di naman talaga matalino. Medyo nahirapan ako mag adjust nung una pero nun tumagal nasanay na rin ako. naging busy sa pag aaral. Kaya ang friends ko talaga yung mga friends ko na nung nag-college ako at yung mga taong nakakausap ko pa rin hanggang ngayon. nalulungkot ako kasi Si meyce almost two years ago nagpunta ng Norway. Si cookie last August eksakto wala ako dito sa Pilipinas, pumunta ng Dubai. Yung 2 talagang yung ang kasama ko eh. Kaming 3 yung hindi nawalan ng communication ever at alam pa rin lahat ng nangyayari sa bawat isa.. si me-anne kagaya ng sinabi ko, minsan lang.. kadalasan out of coverage area. Si melissa usually nakakasama lang namin pag me pagtitipon or okasyon. Pero ngayon, ako na lang dito. At si Me-anne ay nananatiling cannot be reached. Si Melissa me sarili ng pamilya, tsaka ever since naman di nako nasanay na pumasyal sa kanila para lang makipag kwentuhan, siguro kasi kasama na dun yung ilang factor na baka pag punta ko dun eh nandun din si TAZ kasi nga magpinsan yung dalawang yun.Nalulungkot tuloy ako... at recently ang taong nag-iisang umaaliw sa akin ay si TAZ. Maliban kay Meyce at Cookie ito lang ang taong nag-iisang constant para sa akin pag dating sa Kaibigan...Laging nandyan.Hindi nawawala.

Hindi alam ni TAZ pero ang tawag ko sa kanya is MY ALMOST BF. Totoo naman, kasi nagsabi na siya sa akin tapos na kami ng highschool. Diko matandaan what year eh. Pero definitely not right after highschool... medyo matagal ang interval eh. Siguro ako, ugali ko na talaga na ayaw ko ng pormal na ligawan. Di kasi ako naniniwala sa ganun eh.Kasi ang mga lalaki, they really have the tendency to put their best foot forward, kasi nag papaimpress...diko masyadong ma-recall pero nun una nagpaparamdam lang si TAZ sa text... kaya nun time na yun si Meyce yung sobrang kilig na kilig sa amin. :) mas excited pa siya sa akin. Masaya rin ako. Although medyo matagal na panahon na yung lumipas bago siya nakapagtapat sa akin, still naaalala ko pa rin yung feelings ko sa kanya... kahit papaano me natitira pa... although siyempre hindi naman naging kami nun highschool at medyo matagal walang communication, tapos ako marami rin akong nakilala sa manila siyempre like I said yung gantong klaseng "feelings" dapat narereciprocate para hindi nawawala... dapat naaalagaan, para mag grow... yun yung nawala sa amin ni TAZ. so siguro nun time na sinabi niya sa akin, yung feelins na meron ako sa kanya, hindi na 100% pero meron pa rin. Kung ipaparamdam niya sa akin siguro maari pa namin marevive yun. Pwedeng bumalik sa dati yung sigla.. It went on for a while din eh. That time gusto ko na talaga siya pero parang kulang... at the same time parang natatakot akong sumubok... hindi ko alam. halo-halo. Parang gusto ko na ayaw ko. He stopped schooling. Diko matandaan what year sa college... naaalala ko I tried convincing him to go back to school.Hindi ko na matandaan yung eksaktong pangyayari eh, pero siguro nakadagdag yun why I was hesitant to bring our relationship to a higher level, siyempre bata pako nun, masyadong idealistic. Kung magiging kami gusto ko siyang ipakilala sa parents ko, pero ayoko naman na mapintasan siya kasi nga hindi siya nag-aaral... so i was hesitant talaga, aside from the fact na aaminin ko, hindi na ganun ka -intense yung nararamdaman ko sa kanya... basta dumating na lang sa point na tinapos ko na eh. Hindi ko matandaan how it happened, when it happened. How I said it or what I told him. Wala talaga ako maalala. Isa lang ang malinaw sa akin. Before mangayari yun atleast i was able to tell him na gusto ko rin naman siya... I just don't want him to feel bad na walang kinapuntahan na maganda yung amin. After that di ko na matandaan eh. Basta ang alam ko never ng nawala yung number niya sa phone book ko makailang palit man ako ng cellphone or simcards. Every now and then we still text each other.I think every christmas. although parang last christmas di yata kami nagbatian ah! :) can't recall...

The last time na nagkaron talaga kami ng chance na magkumustahan... I can't even remember. Basta dati nabalitaan ko me gf na xa.. then sunod na nabalitaan ko buntis gf niya... although wala ako nabalitaan na kinasal sila, pwede naman kasi sa huwes eh... Nun nanganak GF niya he was even asking me na mag ninang... gustong gusto ko siyang pagbigyan pero andun yung awkward na feeling eh... siguro sinabiohan niya ako mga 6 mos in advanced ganun, hindi naman ako outright na tumaggi but he knew I was feeling off about it. ewan ko. siguro kasi iniisip ko yung magiging kalagayan ko dun if ever.Most likely wala akong ibang kilala maliban sa kanya at kay Melissa.Yung asawa niya hindi rin ako kilala. Basta parang iniisip ko pa lang siya naiilang na ako. At the end hindi na niya ako kinulit or inulit yung invitation...

Na stop lang yung communication namin nun nagka baby sila. Ewan ko siguro kasi I was being sensitive lang sa kung anong pwedeng maramdaman nung girlfriend/asawa niya.. since hindi ko siya kilala hindi ko alam kung selosa siya or what. So I avoided replying from TAZ's texts. Occassional texts still happens pero yung kumustahan, yun ang wala.

There was one time though na kusa akong nagtext kay TAZ kasi inis na inis ako kay JAYSON. That time kasi we were not in good terms eh. Medyo me konting issue. So naisip ko kung wala siyang time para sa akin, I'll text someone else who always texts me back... so I texted TAZ. I told him na pasensiya na siya kung hindi ko nasasagot yung mga pangungumusta niya... saglit lang naman yung kumustahan namin kasi me pasok ako that night, so I had to say bye na agad. Then TAZ texted din nun nagtakataon na nasa Malaysia ako, I was thinking what to do, shall I ignore it or what? I decided to reply... bigla ko kasi naalala na the last time na kailangan ko ng kaibigan andun siya.. kahit hindi siya aware sa situation ko that time, he didn't let me down pa rin by texting me back. So I texted him back kahit 25 pesos ang halaga ng text that time dahil naka roaming ako. :) He said pasalubungan ko daw siya...

After siguro 1-2 weeks kong makabalik nag text ulit siya asking for his pasalubong... I was a bit surprised kasi di ko alam kung seryoso ba siya or what kasi kung seryoso siya..hehe patay. kasi la ako pasalubong for him. :)

nagreply lang ako ng "hehe"

na sinagot din niya ng "hehe ;) "

End.

Then one saturday, eksakto me problema ako sa pinadala kong sulat Kay Jayson, and during that day I was really at the point of giving up eh. Ala na kasi talaga akong magawa. That saturday TAZ texted again, and again asking for his pasalubong...I felt really low that day. Felt really sad. Anything that would destract me from thingking too much is verymuch welcome. Infact I told him that. I told him I was glad he texted, and that I really appreciate na naalala niya ako that day... for the firt time in years... I felt happy reconnecting with him. Simple. kwentuhan lang kami ng kahit ano. Since that day until the other day, We text everyday...

Every single day... which made me a bit comfortable. When we hit the 4th or 5th day mark, I started getting a bit uncomfortable about it. Lots of reasons. Again iniisip ko na naman kung anong maaring isipin ng asawa niya... naisip ko kasi kahit sinong babae wheather kaibigan lang talaga or hindi ng asawa niya yung laging tinitext, the fact na ang laki ng time na binibigay ng asawa niya para lang makatext yung taong yun eh magseselos. Kahit ako. Hindi naman siguro ako matutuwa na sobrang laking time yung binibigay ng asawa ko sa taong ito... sino ba siya?

Naisip ko rin na hindi ko alam what's going through his head. Bakit niya ginagawa 'to? I'd like to think na ginagawa niya yun para libangin ako... Na ginagawa niya yun as his own little way of helping me with my problem kahit di naman talaga niya alam eksakto kung ano. It was his own little way of helping me get through my boredom at the office.

Ok naman sana. Ok talaga kasi malaki talaga ang naitulong niya sa akin para ma divert yung attention ko... at the same time hindi na rin ako sobrang nalulungkot kasi I ahd no time for that. When i'm not working, we're texting naman. So wala talaga akong time para mag-isip pa kagaya dati. We talk just about anything lag naman. IN fainess kung mababasa nyo yung mga texts namin you won't even have a clue that these two people used to feel something special for each other. siguro parang silent agreement na rin namin yun. Basta we never talked about it. Anything that has something to do with "US" hindi namin pinag-uusapan. Although he was very vocal na gusto niya akong makita, na inaayawan ko naman. Again, hindi naman sa nilalagyan ko ng malisya yung ginagawa namin, infact para sa akin sobrang ganda nung relationship namin nagyon. Mas maganda pa dun sa dati. Pero if we go out ng kami lang, that would be recklesness on our part. Hindi dahil kailangan namin itago pero dapat hindi rin kami gumawa ng mga bagay na maaring magkaron ng maling interpretasyon sa mata ng ibang tao dahil pwedeng makarating yun sa asawa niya at makagulo pa sa relasyon nila... ayoko naman ng gulo. At lalong ayokong makasakit ng damdamin ng kapwa ko babae kaya yun ang iniiwasan ko...I don't have anyone to turn to kasi wala na ang mga kaibigan ko dito sa Binan. At sa ngayon si TAZ yung willing at laging nandyan lang.. kaya nga at the same time guilty rin ako sa hindi ko pag reply reply sa kanya dati.. infact tinanong niya ako about it, nag sabi naman ako ng totoo. Naintindihan naman niya. Pero sabi niya wala daw yun. Sana nga wala talaga sa asawa niya yun... kasi I wanna enjoy his company eh. Pero kung ang kapalit naman nun e gugulo sila, wag na lang...

Until maikwento ko sa friends ko sa office yung pangyayari na yun... ung uncomfortable feeling na minsan nararamdaman ko pa rin kahit binigyan ako ng assurance ni TAZ na ok lang daw naman na magkatext kami kasi kilala naman na daw ako ni wife niya... un dati maliit na percentage lang ng uneasiness. lumaki ng konti kasi sabi nila, medyo sobra sa normal... It was something na nararamdaman ko na rin pero hindi ko pinapansin. Hindi ko winewelcome yung ganung thought kasi makakagulo pa siya sa friendship namin eh. kasi pag naisip ko na ganun.. na baka si TAZ... I will be forced again to avoid him... na naipromised ko na sa sarili ko na hindi ko na uulitin na iwasan ulit siya eh.. pero kung ganun ang mangyayari... sabi ng mga ka officemates ko kasi posible raw na baka may feelings pa rin si TAZ... mawawalan ako ng choice but to avoid him again. Pero dahil suspetsa lang naman yung kanila wala naman ako magawa at the moment. Pero still bothered ako... kung pwede lang i-enjoy ko lang ng i-enjoy yung company niya ng walang complications. MInsan nga naiisip ko "bakit kasi nag-asawa agad eh?!?!? dami ko tuloy dapat i-consider.." hehe. jowk lang. siyempre me sarili naman siyang buhay noh. it's no as if nabuhay siya to keep me comapany lang. hehe. Pero totoo, minsan naiisip ko na kung hindi ganun yung situation niya ngayon siguro hindi ako ganto ka'bothered. Siguro kung girlfriend lang ang meron siya at hindi asawa siguro hindi ako ganto ka bothered.

Basta sa mga nakalipas na araw na lagi kaming mag katext mas lalo ko siya nakilala. Masaya ako. Ang mga kaibigan ko worried for me. Dumistansya raw ako ng konti kasi imposible daw na walang ma-fall sa amin kahit isa... inshort imposibleng hindi ako ma-fall ganun lalo na ksi dati ko naman na siyang gusto.. hehe. yung mga yun talaga loka-loka. Sabi ko sa kanila, hindi mangyayari yun kasi si jayson ang mahal ko. Kung dati nga hindi naging kami talaga kasi kulang yung nararamdaman ko para sa kanya ngayon pa kaya na may Jayson na ako at may Yhang na siya? Fine. I made my point clear. At last may peace of mind na sila.

Si TAZ i found out super maalalahanin. He'll check on you every morning at gabi. During the time na magkatext kami medyo nag start ako magdevelop ng Insomnia or ewan ko kung Insomnia nga yun, at the same time, parang buong Lingo rin na masama ang pakiramdam ko, siguro kasi sobrang stressed, not from work but from thinking too much. halo halong problems at yun ngang lack of sleep din.. minsan pag ka text mo yan mararamdaman mo yung concern niya sayo..

"uminom ka na agad ng gamot para hindi na lumala"
"wag ka ng pumasok bukas kung di mo kaya"

pagdating ng uwian kasi alam niya yung oras ng out ko eh..

"uwi ka na?"
"san ka na?"
"san ka na?"
"matulog ka na magpupuyat ka na naman"

kinabukasan..

"nakapasok ka ba?"

"nakatulog ka ba agad?"
"bakit naman nagpuyat ka na naman"
"uwi ka na at magpahinga na agad."
"matulog ka nga ng maaga."

minsan katext ko siya at sinasabihan akong matulog na, I had no choice at sabihin ang totoo na ni hindi pa nga ako nakakapagpalit ng damit...

"bakit nakapantalon ka pa?"
"anong oras na? magpalit ka na nga damit."
"ano bang ginagawa mo? magpalit ka na para diretsong tulog na."
"maaga ka matulog, hindi umaga. baka 2am na naman..."

Hehe. natatawa ako. Parang nagkaron ako ng another tatay. SAbi ko nga sa kanya hindi ko alam ganun siya ka istrikto, tinalo pa niya ang tatay ko. Biniro ko siya na yari si Migs (son) paglaki...

Ewan pero it's one of those things I enjoy that he does for me. Minsan naiinis din ako kasi it only remind me of what me and jayson didn't have. infairness naman kasi iba naman talaga yung situation namin ni Jayson. Siguro unang una nasa maturity... pangalawa yung situation namin.. kaya nga binigyan ko pa si Jay ng another chance kasi alam ko mag mamature pa siya.. at lahat na wala kami ngayon lahat ng short comings niya ngayon kaya niyang punuan someday...

OK na sana ang lahat. Friends kami ni Taz, at kagawa ng sinabi niya his wife doesn't mind. We're not doing anything wrong anyway. So everything was OK, ans I was really happy with it until the other night. The other day we hardly had the chance to text kasi his group went out of town.. Sta.Cruz ata, so nun magkatext kami ng umaga saglit lang. Nun nagbiyahe na sila siyempre busy na siya. Andito lang ako sa bahay nun for the whole day... Funny but I kept checking my phone. Diko na mabilang how many times... until he texted me around 9.30pm.
I asked him if nakauwi na ba siya? at kung sobrang busy nila? He said "hindi naman".. and he also said nakauwi na siya 7pm pa lang pero kailangan niya ipaayos yung motor kasi pudpud na yung gulong...blah blah blah. I felt something. I sent another message. Then his reply said na i-send ko ulit yung message ko...So i sent him a message. just like before, biniro ko siya na me importante pa naman akong sinabi dun. Sabi ko sa kanya na "ah ganun, binubura mo ng hindi mo binabasa ha. " Then he replied na nagbubura daw kasi si Yhang ng message eksakto pumasok yung message ko...

I felt another snap. I felt wierd. I felt sad. I felt cheated.I felt regret. I felt scared. I felt a whole lot of different emotions at the same time. I was shaking. I felt the energy going out of my body. Suddenly I felt so tired.

it took me a long time before I was able to send him another message. The very first message I sent void of any emotion.

It said "kaw naman di na nasanay saken. La ako sinabi"

then he texted me back with "hehe :)"

I replied with :)

he texted back with :)

I replied the Usmile.

Then he said "la ka na msabi no? :)" we used to do this smileys pag ala na masabi hanggang makaisip ulit kami ng another topic... but this night is different...

Again it took me a while to compose another message it said and again devoid of any emotion " hindi naman. hindi ko lang alam kung ano ang dapat sabihin"

Long Gap before he texted "nga pala yung nanligaw sayo nung college, pogi no?" nag dorm kaba sa manila?"

For some reason, I was unbale to get my enthusiasm back. I so totally lost it that night. and again it took me a long while to reply ng maikling maikling "yes to both questions". I dunno, i think his last question was so out of the topic na parang hinugot lang niya somewhere maka establish lang ng magandang conversation...Nice try. Apparently hindi ako ganun ka cooperative that night at masyado akong absorved sa nararamdaman ko...

Hindi ko alam kung may napansin siya... or kung kaya niya idifferentiate yung kaibahan ng unang mga texts ko that night after niya sabihin sa akin na "nabura kasi ni Yhang..." I have a feeling na OO. His last question told me so...

At siguro sa tagal ng reply ko nakatulog na siya.. hindo ko alam kung anong naiisip niya that night.. or kung anong iniisip niya why I was a bit different. Pero siguro nga naalangan siya kasi it was so unlikely na matulog na lang yun basta basta... kasi kahit antok na antok nagpapaalam yun eh... I was awake until 2am. 12MN pa lang me text na ako na naka prepare. It was a decision that I made without much thinking.

I will ask him not to text me with in the next 7 days... and that he can text me only after that. At promise ko re-replyan ko siya. Just 7 days. and again I reminded him to always take care of himself kasi may Migs na siya ngayon, hindi na lang yung sarili niya yung dala niya... Siyempre kinaumagahan tinanong niya ako kung bakit hindi siya pwede mag text... Told him I can't tell him why. That I need to think and refocus coz I think im in deep shit. and that I'll be fine after a week.

Im not sure if he understood that though or if he had any idead what I was going through...

Long gap. he said "kaw ang bahala.."

I said "thank you"

Then again.. damn, bakit ba kailangan maging ganun siya kamaalalahanin?!?!

"OK cge basta wag ka masyado magpupuyat. ingat lagi."

Ewan ko. I don't want to confront myself. Pero yung sudden emotion na naramdaman ko was a slap in the face na maling tao ang kinukuhanan ko ng suporta ngayon. That whole day na intay ako ng intay sa text niya unknowingly was enough to warn me that I might get too dependent on him. Baka masyado akong masanay... E wala naman siyang responsibilidad saken... He can stop anytime...baka pag dumating yung time na siya naman ang mawala... bumalik ako sa kung anong state ko nung time na dumating ulit si TAZ... baka this time pag siya naman ang nawala, kailanganin ko na naman ng suporta ng ibang tao...So 7 days. Im giving myself 7 days to recollect myself. After 7 days, I shoulf be able to face the world ng hindi umaasa sa ibang tao for my happiness... Bakit kailanganga maging gan'to ka complicated ang buhay ko eh gusto ko lang naman sumaya...

SCRAPBOOK

2008-10-31T08:39:00.000-07:00

It feels like years already since my bad habit left... feels like a lot of things have happened already. Oh well a lot of things really have happened already. Una, nakilala ko si Boyet. Siya pala yung owner na hiniraman ni Jay ng phone nun nag text siya saken pagkarating na pagkarating niya sa Singapore.Sabi ni Boyet pagdating daw kasi ni Jayson, napansin niya palakad lakad..pabalik balik.. tinanong daw niya kung ano problema... Sabi daw ni Jayson, di pa daw niya nasasabi sa girlfriend niya na maayos silang nakadating...Hehe. natuwa ako nung umagang mareceived ko ang message niya.. Ala-una ng madaling araw niya ako tnext, pero siyempre tulog nako, kinaumagahan ko na nabasa.. sobrang natuwa ako kasi hindi ugali ni jayson ang makitext... mapriode kasi yun eh. Tapos That day nag text saken si Lindsey (ate ni jay) kinukumusta ako.. hehe.. ako nga daw ang iniisip nila... akala ko nag text din si Jay sa kanila yun pala ako lang yun tinext niya.. kaya ako na lang yung nag balita sa kanila.. Hehe.. Na tuwa naman ako na ako yung pinili niya na itext..

Boyet kept texting me eh. It was OK at first pero di rin kasi ako ganun kahilig mag text.. depende sa katext ko.. hehe. So I gave him my friend's number. Buti na lang mabait si friend ko at pinag bigyan niya ako na replyan si Boyet. Mejo kasi Broken hearted ang lolo mo... He was gone for 6 straight years... at yung GF niya e nalaman niya na nag-asawa na pag-balik niya. Sabi ko sa kanya baka naman nagkulang din siya.. Sabi niya everytime na dadaong sila tumatawag naman daw siya at laging nag papaliwanag kung bakit natagalan siyang tumawag ( we are talking about months here or half a year), pero ang kinakasakit ng loob niya e bakit hindisiya nahintay...

I told him na "hindi mo siya masisisi kung mag-mahal siya ng iba sa tagal mong nawala.. minsan kasi me makikilala talaga tayong tao na mamahalin natin e.. siguro ang tanging pag kakamali lang niya e hindi siya naging honest sayo.. kasi dapat out of respect sana ipinaalam muna niya sa'yo na may mahal na siyang iba bago siya nakipag relasyon."

Siyempre naisip ko rin ako at si Jay... are we going to end up just like that? or will we able to surpass all these? dati ang lagi kong tanong "Makaya kaya ni Jay?" Makaya kaya niya na iretain yung love?. There was never an instance that I asked myself that question. It was only Rose (an officemate) who said that I should also ask myself that question kasi sa aming dalawa daw ni Jayson most likely baka ako yung makahanap ng iba... kasi ako sobrang lawak ng mundo ko, where as yung kanila is confined with in the ship lang at pwede lang sila lumabas at makakilala ng iba pag mag do-dock na most likely di na ulit nila makikita pag alis nila... during that time there was no doubt in my mind that I cannot make it.

But now after being away for only roughly 2 mos with no communication at all... Im having second thoughts already. Hey don't get me wrong. Nothing's changed. I love him still. But I don't want commitment anymore...natakot ako na baka intayin ko siya tapos at the end malalaman ko that he fell out of love na pala... so naisip ko siguro mabuti na yung bigyang laya ko siya sa lahat ng gusto niyang gawin, at kung pagbalik niya e mahal pa niya ako, eh di puntahan niya ako at tingnan namin kung pwede kami magsimula ulit...

Boyet left exactly a month after niya umuwi. I met up with him at nagpadala ako ng letter/scrapbook namin ni Jayson. It was very personal. YUng unang letter ko, ginawa ko yun without the intention na ipadala sa kanya... my officemataes were even threatening me na itago ko daw yun dahil nanakawin nila yun at ipapadala kay Jayson, hindi lang nila alam If only there was a way for me na ipadala ko yun, ipapadala ko nga.. buti na lang nabanggit ko kay boyet at pumayag siya na bitbitin papuntang singapore yung scrapbook. compilation yun ng mag pictures at letters na naipon ko sa araw-araw na ginawa ng diyos na lagi ko siyang namimiss... nag-include din ako ng basic meds at hehe maliit na nailcutter. :)

Then when Boyet got to Singapore iniwan niya yung scrapbook sa agency nila at ang agency daw ang magpapadala sa ibang bansa.. medyo magulo e. Nun andito pa si Boyet sabi niya posibleng magkasalubong yung barko nila ni jay so pwede niya maiabot. Pero his decision changed pag dating ng Singapore.. kasi yun ata ang advice nung mga tao sa agency... then probably a week later I decided to make an overseas call sa Singapore para lang maliwanagan ako kung ano ba talaga, and guess what parang lalong lumabo nung tumawag ako kasi sabi nung kausap ko, dun lang daw sa agency yung padala ko hanggang makabalik sina Jay sa Singapore.Teka! sino ba sa kanila ang nagsasabi ng totoo? For two weeks I was trying to get hold of someone who can give me straight answer, during that time Boyet was already in Capetown South Africa, 2 days after Singapore they flew there. Andun pala yung barkong sasakyan nila... I called Boyet. Asked him the name of the person whom he handed the letter to. LIna. Lina is a tagalog speaking Singaporean. Called her up too many times I can't even recall how many. Basta ang alam ko lang pinag papasa pasahan nila ako. Pag tumawag ka kay Lina, she'll tell you she doesn't know anything about the letter and that I should check it at the office. Second to the last time we spoke she said that I call the office saturday at 2pm. Oh my finally... finally i got something out of her with sense! I called Saturday. Had to speak with few different Singaporeans who can't speak good english and who can't understand my English unless I speak like them. Great. Naranasan ko ang i-transfer ng i-transfer ng walang babala. Next thing you hear music on hold---that song from F4. I think during that time I got transferred to 4 different people. The last one spoke better english than the rest. But hey, she got no manners. She said she doesn;t know anything about the letter and that she'll have to speak with Lina first. I said "ok, but can I have your name so that I'll ask for you when I call back?". And again she told me that she'll have to speak with lina First. And again I asked for her name. Which again she didn't answer. One thing I couldn't understand was why she will have to speak with Lina first when all I want to know is if they have the letter or not. All I want is peace of mind that it is not lost. It was too personal and it belongs to no one else but Jayson.

I thought she just didn't undestand what I was saying so I repeated myself, before I was even able to finish, she was gone. She hung up on me only because probably she doesn't want to give me her name. Craziness. Iba talaga ang kultura nila. Ewan ko. after a couple of hours I decided calling Lina. I thought to myself na kung sa kanya inabot ni Boyet yun malamang siya lang yung makakasagot ng maayos saken. Called her up arounf 7pm Manila time which is the same time lang naman sa Singapore. She answered the phone. and again for the nth time I had to introduce myself and tell her the purpose of my call. Before I was able to finish my statement, she interrupted me and shouted "wala akong alam dyan sa sulat na yan. Marami akong ginagawa." and then GONE.

It is not fair to generalize this Idea but after speaking several times to quite a few of them, and they were all displaying the same attitude, would it be safe enough to say that it is their culture?

After 2 weeks of having to run around in circles by these crazy people is too much for me to handle. I cried. Nakakahiya man aminin pero napaiyak talaga ako sa sobrang frustration. After wasting so much money, texting, making phone calls.. pagkatapos kang paikot ikutin, hindi ka rin pala tutulungan at the end... Damn. Right after ko mapaiyak gusto ko ulit tawagan si Lina at murahin mula ulo hanggang paa. Putang Ina talaga! Right at that moment, I was wishing her Ill. Yun ang totoo. Im not trying to sugarcoat anything here or play like the most mabait person in the universe. I am mabait. Pero naman, tao lang ako... pagbigyan nyo nako.. that time feeling ko yuin lang yung makakagaan ng pakiramdam ko, pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko kasi baka malagay sa alanganin sina jayson at mga tito niya...

After that nagpray na lang ako. Sabi ko "Lord kayo na bahala dun ah.." I gave up. I was so broke that time kasi all my saving went to the trip eh, and most of my allowance I've spent buying call cards.. sino naman ang hindi mapapaiyak nun? Pero yun nga finally, I gave it up. Naisip ko kasi, Lahat naman 'to nangyayari for a reason, and kung hindi man yung makuha ni jayson siguro may ibang plano si lord para dun.. At kung makuha man ni Jayson pero after matagal na panahon... there must be a reason behind that.. So i'm leaving everything to the Lord's hands. It's out of mycontrol na talaga e.And besides ginawa ko naman lahat to secure it e. Ewan ko ba that time din kasi halo-halong problema yung dumating saken e. It was that time din na nag sink-in saken yung sinasabi ng mga tao na "ah yang mga sea man maraming chicks yan".. blah blah blah.. at first I wasn't affected e. On the back of my head, "chics lang pala eh. Fleeting lang yun. Ako naman yung mahal eh".. Really. Ganun ako mag-isip. Ok lang kung me iba,basta wag niyang mamahalin.. ;)
kasi bata pa lang ako aware nako sa ganun eh. bata pa lang ako naririnig ko na yung ganun. Pero iba pala pag ikaw yung ivolved dun sa story... No matter how tough your resolve is pag walang communication... unti unti... matutunaw... mag kakaron ng doubt.. suddenly you're not sure anymore if both of you can make it...

Lahat ng worries ko naipon at lahat yun naramdaman ko nung time na yun. Naisip ko, wala kaming ganun katatag na
foundation ni Jay para malagpasan namin yung 3yrs na magkahiwalay.. Everything naiisip ko. Kaya yung scrapbook ko sobrang importante saken kasi feeling ko na basta mabasa niya yun, and if ever dumating kami sa time na parang di na namin kaya, naisip ko that the letter will be able to help us not to let go.. at kung hindi niya makukuha yun, paano na kami?

Pero ganun siguro talaga.. Si ate jovy na friend ni Boyet was willing to help me. She lives in Singapore. Pero bago ako humingi ng tulong sa kanya, yung friend ko muna na si "C" ang hiningan ko ng tulong. She said na i-email ko daw sa kanya ang detailed instructions na kailangan niya gawin. I did. I sent her emails. I messaged her through friendster. not just once but many times. I got no reply after 2-3 days I think. Then naisip ko, susubukan ko muna, maybe there are other ways.. So i emailed her told her to put everything on hold muna. Then the rest is history... pero minsan naisip ko kung willing talaga siyang tulungan ako, bakit kahit isa sa emails and messages ko hindi niya sinagot? Considering na araw-araw siya nag lo-login sa friendster means nababasa niya... kaya ko lang naman naisip na siya ang unang hingan ng tulong kasi akala ko maasahan ko siya eh... naisip ko babae rin siya, most likely maiintindihan niya ako kesa sa mga guys na kaibigan ko ako mag ask ng help.Kaya ko rin naisip na baka matulungan niya ako is because unlimited naman yung plan nun cell niya... so hindi naman siya magagastusan ng extra if ever. i was planning nga na mag send sa kanya ng money through western union kung magawan niya ng paran talaga.. pero until this very day wala man lang akong nareceived na message galing sa kanya. Kahit acknowledgement lang, wala. Oh well, now I know.Buti pa si ate jovy na hindi ko personal na kilala. ni hindi ko pa nakikita, willing mag extend ng tulong. I know maliit ang income ng tao na'to sa singapore. Wala sa one fourth ng kinikita ng friend ko na si "C", pero siya pa yung eager mag-offer ng tulong. Akala ko pa naman naging mas maganda yung friendship namin lalo na nun nagkitakita kami nun pumunta kami Singapore dati, yun pala kasi siguro wala lang... yun. hay in times or trouble malalaman mo talaga kung sino yung pwede mo maasahan eh ano?!?! sobrang liit na pabor... okay lang naman kasi me ibang tao naman na willing tumulong pero kasi pakiramdam ko napeke ako, Yun yun eh. yung pakiramdam na, mali pala ako ng pagkakakilala sa kanya. Akala ko kasi... sa takbo kasi ng kwento niya dati parang akala ko siya yung tipo ng tao na tutulong basta kaya, yun pala hindi. yun pala OK habang mag kaharap lang kayo.. Ang pangit. napaplastikan ako.

Kuala Lumpur-Singapore Getaway Part2

2008-09-12T00:44:00.001-07:00

On the way to Singapore.

Alone again.. see si manong indian pa ang nakatabi ko... buti na lang malakas Aircon. hehe.

In Singapore we stayed at Holiday INN atrium.

Kung gaano ka warm yung staff sa Crowne Plaza, ganun naman ka dead-ma yung mga tao sa Holiday Inn sa Singapore. My friend cathy said ganun daw talaga mga Singaporean. Hay.. Sabi din nun Supervisor ko na si Mike marami pang kakainin ang mga Singaporeans para mapantayan ang mga Pinoy sa larangan ng pagiging hospitable.. Tsk Tsk. Sobrang nakakapanibago...

We stayed I think 6 days in Singapore..

pero ala kami masyado napuntahan e.. Basta umikot ikot lang kami.. sayang nga e.. siguro kasi meant ako na bumalik ng Singapore kasya hindi ko nilubos yung pasyal.. :)

Good thing si Con medyo nag mellow ng onti nun makarating kami ng Singapore.. which made me think na whatever made her act like that nun nas KL kami was probably because natatakot siya "maiwan" mag isa kasi kami ni Erin super close talaga kami... Si Erin siguro yung tao sa mundong Ito na kung bibilangin ang araw na magkasama kami siya yung pinaka marami.. :) Friend ko kasi siya since college pa e. So yun naisip ko baka naafraid si con na maiwan, e diyos ko naman, hindi ko naman gagawin yun noh! I guess di pa niya ako kilala ng lubos kung ganun nga yun reason for her attitude, kasi ako kahit nun college ba, pag me bago sa group or me taong sasabit sa lakad tapos hindi siya close sa kahit isa dun sa group, ako yun didikit dun sa taong yun para hindi siya ma out of place... tsk tsk. Hindi ba si Con nakakahalata na nag gi-give way ako sa kanila? sad thing about it is, She didn't think about what i would feel naman na laging naiiwan mag-isa... oh well here I go again.. Stop na. :)

Siguro pinaka highlight na ng punta ng Sg is yung panonood namin ng Songs of the SEa. Panalo. Na-enjoy ko talaga.. :)

I met up with Armand who is my friend from high school na madalas ko ding makasabay sa bus nun nag tatrabaho na kami... Hw was even willing na patirahin ako sa bahay niya wag lang ako umuwi ng Pilipinas.. he asked me how much did i bring for a pocket money.. I said 550 USD :) sabi niya tama na daw yun, pwede na akong di umuwi at mag hanap na lang ng work.. I said nagastos ko na yung ibang money... hehe. babalik na lang ako.. sana open parin bahay ni Armand for me that time... bahay Ni armand at ng GF niya... :)

Then Erin and I met up with Mike who was our former supervisor in ICT.

Fun times! That night na nagkita kami ni Mike was the same night na ininmbita nila Con si Armand na matulog sa hotel kapalit ng "pagkain".. Yes. Patay gutom kasi yung mga kasama ko.. hehe. natutuwa ako kasi click agad sila ng mga friends ko. Parang ala man lang nakaramdam ng pag kailang. Agad agad nag aasaran na. Me nabasa pa akong message ni Erin kay Armand sa Phone ko..

May plantsa dito, shampoo, sabon, pagkain lang ang wala! -Erin

Panalo talga si Erin mag message. Napa ka sweet. :)

Armand and Mike (in bathrobe) :) we made them wear that! :)

It was really fun seeing your friends who have known each other for the first time hitting it off quite well. Saya. Then nun finally pumayag si Armand na matulog sa hotel kapalit ng pagkain, Me and Erin was with Mike, siyempre di ko sinabi kay Arman d na wala kami sa Hotel kasi baka mag back out.Si Con ang naiwan sa Hotel so siya ang nagpaakyat kay Armand. Then sinama namin si Mike sa Hotel pauwi, we said "daan" ka muna, But he ended up staying until 12MN. hehe. Sarap kasama ni Mike! All expense paid! Hehe.

Nun nasa hotel na kami wala kaming ginawa kung hindi tumawa ng tumawa. Si Con, si Cathy na friend namin na nagwowork a AT3 na katabi lang ng HI atrium andun din, at si Armand. Sobrang saya, natakot nga ako kasi yung tawa namin, Tawang bigay na bigay, naisip ko baka ireklamo kami nun katabi naming room buti na lang mukhang they're on honeymoon, They don't mind na maingay yung kapit bahay nila. Hehe.

We also met and gained some friend through cathy, mga architects sa AT3. We met jun, mike, beth, wang, deana, etc...

Then the day before ng flight namin pauwi lumipat kami sa Crowne Plaza Changi Airport.

And we got the same reception that we got from CP Kuala Lumpur. Buti naman doon mababait mga tao.. at maraming pinoy sa CP Changi infairness! :)
Gannda nh Hotel. Adjacent talaga siya sa Changi Airport pero ala ka maririnig na ingay ng Airplane from inside the room... Danda!

Kuala Lumpur-Singapore Getaway Part 1

2008-09-11T22:34:00.002-07:00

My vacation to Singapore really mattered so much to me, and what made it even more memorable was because I met Jayson during the time I was applying for my passport. He was also applying for his passport that time, kaibahan lang yung akin leisure, meaning babalik agad ako, yung kanya work- pangmatagalan. Well so much for that, it only makes me sad pag naaalala ko kasi gustong gutso ko marinig boses niya ngayon pero ala ako magawa... Lord help me.

my suitcase :)

Erin, JC and ME on the way to NAIA

Me, Erin and MAricon

Going back to our trip, we used Malaysia Air for our flight going to KL. It was fun actually. Good thing about it was may food na kasama so hindi kami nagutom e hindi pa kami kumakain ni Erin ng lunch since umalis kami ng bahay namin ng 12pm. If i can remember it right our flight was 3.45 pm. So by 1.45 andun na kami sa Airport.

Economy Class. Can't afford a First Class e./ :)

As a remembrance bumili kami ng Keychain ng Malaysia Air ang cute cute niya, battery operated na may ilaw at me tunog ng airplane na nag te take-off...

I was supposed to give it to Jayson but then war kami nun time na dapat ibibigay ko sa kanya yun.. :) kaya kay Marco na office mate ko na parang bata ko na lang binigay. I'm sure mae-enjoy niya yun.. :) Tsaka me kasalanan ako kay Marco that time din nga pala, so to compensate, I gave him the keychain...

This is Marco. He is an actor btw. Lumalabas siya minsan sa TV, pero di ko pa siya napapanood... Hindi siya kasama sa trip.. Hehe. Sabi niya susunod siya. He was asking for a Tshirt na pasalubong.. Then i told Erin na punta kami sa Mall para ibili si Marco ng shirt, hehe, pagdating namin ng Mall, nakalimutan na namin pareho si Marco! kaya wala siyang shirt pag uwi namin. :)

We reached Kuala Lumpur at around 9pm. My golly their airport was glistening. As in Literal na kumikintab. Suddenly parang nahiya ako bigla sa klase ng Airport na meron kami sa Pilipinas. Tama pala yung sinasabi ng DJ ng magic na si Grace Lee, she's a Korean and she goes back home to Korea every month. She's been living here in the Philippines for quite some time now, and ofcourse naging malapit na sa heart niya ang Philippines, that's why she has this innate concern sa bayan natin.. na sana daw pagandahin ng Govt ang Airport "natin" kasi yun ang unang unang nakikita ng dayuhan. Dun nila nakukuha yung first impression nila sa bansa natin.

At KLIA

Yung nakita ko sa Airport natin hindi talaga maganda... Mas maganda pa ang budget terminal ng Singapore kesa sa NAIA Terminal 3 na bagong bago... Hay...

We hired a Limo "hehe" sosyal.. :) from the Airport to Crowne Plaza Kuala Lumpur. It was worth around 90 RM and it was more or less an hour drive with no traffic. When we got to the hotel we were assisted thoroughly. They were all very nice. Sharifah, the front desk girl even offered us an extra bed for free since we are also an IHG employee. She was so sweet. And everytime during the night when we go back to the hotel, ofcourse we were always hand carrying some plastic bags with us, they would always greet us and throw jokes if we brought something back for them.

The guy who always cleans our room, we left a letter for him one day together with the "turones de casuy" which we brought from the Philippines. When we got back that night we also found a letter from him telling us to enjoy our vacation in KL. His name was Giuda, from Nepal. :)

Crowne Plaza Kuala Lumpur Keycard

Inside the hotel room.

This is our baon from the Philippines. :) Pang breakfast!

We bought a 24 hour ticket to the Hop on Hop Off bus which would travel every key attractions there is in KL. It was pretty worth it though because it lessens the hassle of approaching a local for any directions.

Pakistani Int'l Airline
Ala lang, nakita ko lang while naka sakay sa Hop on Hop off.

One thing that gave us a hard time in KL is that there are a lot of people who don't understand english. You approach a traffic officer and they'll leadyou towards the wrong direction because they can't understand you. You approach a passer-by and they can't even attempt even single english word. It's so different here in the Philippines that I think even someone who just finished grade school can still help you out if you're a foreigner in this country.

We went to Petronas Twin towers. We reached the building pretty late. According to my research you should be there as early as 7.30 to secure your ticket and to avoid disappointment. We were there 8.15 am, I thought we won't be able to get a ticket. because if we can't get in that day. We can't go back the next day because we will be going to Genting Highlands the following day.

Fortunately we got a ticket scheduled at 1.15 pm. We took the Hop on Hop off bus, went around KL for a couple of hours, then we ate lunch at KFC.

Ang KFC sa Malaysia Literal na Finger Lickin' Good kasi di ka nila bibigyan ng tinidor. Usually hindi rin sinasamahan ng rice. At ang pinaka malungkot sa lahat, ang gravy nila for mashed potato lang.. hay.. malays, you are missing half of your life.. chicken with no gravy is a big no-no here in Pinas. Dyan kaya mabenta ang KFC dito...

Kung ako lang masusunod I would like to try their local foods. Minsan lang naman 'tong trip na'to, di ko nga alam kung mauulit pa so gusto ko sana itry, kaya lang yung mga kasama ko mejo, ewan diko maintindihan si COn... she' seems different pag nasa Office at nun time na nag-ta travel kami.. one thing I didn't like about that trip was I was left alone most of the time....

Let me explain.. It was me, Con and Erin on that trip. I was the one who planned everything. From the date of departure to the length of travel. It was all me. It was me who researched everything. But on that trip, it was only Con who calls the shot. She decides and that's it. Naalala ko tuloy before kami mag book ng plane ticket ang gutso niya i book yung Malaysia air ng 2 way. meaning we have to go back KL para makauwi ng Pilipinas. She decided about it without even asking me if it was ok. But ofcourse I decided against it kasi unang una first time niya mag tingin ng rate tapos gusto agag niya yun na. Samantalang 3 mos kong binatayan ang rate ng MH at pinagaralan yung iteneraries namin tapos biglabigla babaguhin niya? diba respeto man lang sana... ni hindi man lang niya naisip yung hassle ng pagbalik ng KL just because ayaw niyang sumakay sana ng Cebu pacific pauwi.. Anyway, hindi talaga ako pumayag kasi talagang maling diskarte yun kaya ako ang nasunod... wala naman problema sa akin yung argument, basta maayos lang sasabihin... pero ay nako, talaga, don't ever snap at me maghahalo binalatan sa tinalupan. :)

Im mabait. pero may mood swing din ako. Pag natyempohan mo, goodluck sayo... :_

Don't get me wrong, it was not like as if i want them to follow my lead or something but she doesn't have to snap at me when im talking right? I don't know with her. She made me feel like I did something wrong to her that Im not aware of ,the day of our departure we were all ok pa e. Very mapagbigay akong kaibigan. If you want something and you wanna do it your way, that's fine with me. Pero when im expressing my opinion don't talk as if ang "bobo" ko.. i deserve some respect for freaking out loud. o ayan lumalabas ang sama ko ng loob na never ko nai-express since makabalik kami.. I wonder why she was soo indifferent to me that time. Sa office kasi very timid siya e. Very submissive. Kaya medyo na "culture shock" ako sa kanya.. SA aming tatlo ako ang "common denominator" ni Con and Erin. Meaning they were not friends. Naging friends sila beacuse friends ko sila pareho and because of that trip. Kasi ako close ako sa kanila pareho, so the usual ako, hinahayaan ko silang dalawa na magkasama... but no one between them even considered na iniiwan na nila ako minsan. There was never a bus ride na me katabi ako.. None. Diba nakakatampo naman yun? Sana kahit isang beses lang may isang nag kusa man lang sa kanila na mag-give up ng seat para may katabi ako... konting sacrifice naman diba? wala lang nakakainis lang na parang naging selfish sila.. I mean we're still friends. Aaminin ko na ang sama ng loob ko kay Con lang. Kay erin, wala. Kasi sometimes nakikita ko umuupo siya ng hiwalay para tatlo kami na hiwahiwalay ng upo.. Oh well enough of this.. :) Con and I are Ok now, we never talked about this pero ngayon back to normal na siya.. :) pero lam mo yun.. parang ayaw ko na siyang makasama ulit pag nag out of the country ulit ako.. :)

So going back, we went back to Petronas Towers at 1.15 pm. Me film showing muna before kami pinaakyat sa Bridge. We were given a 3d glasses by the way for the film showing. Then yun nga we went up 40 flrs to the sky bridge. I admit it was pretty disappointing kasi wala naman something different from it e. parang umakyat lang ako ng 40th flr ng RCBC plaza nun. :) E im working at 28th flr.. so parang araw araw ng buhay ko normal na yun saken. I thought kasi hanggat 80th something flr e. :) The only good thing about it is pwede mo nang sabihin na "I've been inside the Skybridge of the, once the tallest building on earth, Petronas Towers" :)

Visitor's ID in Petronas

3d shades yan for the film showing.

Then we went to Genting Highlands the next day. We took the bus through the Puduraya Bus terminal. It was around 45 mins away from KL. The road was quite zig zaggy type, it was fun though, kahit again solo na naman ako sa upuan sa Bus. It was actually nun pauwi na kami from genting na talagang nag clash kami ni Con. Hindi talaga ako kumibo. Pero kasi hindi ako matiisin na tao e. Di ko pa rin siya natiis at kinausap ko pa rin siya nun makabalik na kami sa KL...

Puduraya Bus terminal

Ice Kimo. I don't know what this is. We ate this while we were waiting for the bus.

Cable Car to Genting Highlands. Genting is about 2000ft above sea level, and this cable car is travelling about 3.4 KM.

2.15 am. This is our usual bedtime since the sky is still clear at 7.30 pm in Malasia.
We're headed to SG tomorrow...

blank

2008-09-11T22:22:00.000-07:00

i miss you..

undefinable...

2008-09-11T09:10:00.000-07:00

sept8.2008
9.30pm

maybe they're about 42,000 feet above the ground now like what the pilot would always announce in the middle of the flight.. Oh gosh i miss him already...

those of you who might be reading my post might get confused as to what really our relationship is like, it's really magulo. but from the last talk that we had, oh well it wasn't really a "serious" talk about us but we still talked anyway.. i gathered that maybe i just misinterpreted his actions. maybe he was just different from most people. maybe... maybe... and again there is HOPE.

We talked on the phone before he left... We never got the chance na magkita kanina kaya nagusap na lang kami sa phone.. I went to manila because I had to give him something, he said "me pinapapirmahan lang sa amin. Intayin mo ako pls." I was there 1.30. His was told his flight was 3pm. I waited. 2pm. Waited Still. 2.30. Waited still. I knew he wasn't coming but I waited still... 2.45 when I decided to leave. I can still remember how the jollibee guy looked at me. I don't know what he was thinking. But i noticed he was always smiling at me. Maybe he saw me making too many attempts to call on my phone but would end up slamming my clam phone together. Maybe he knew no one was answering on the other end.And again for too many times, he was looking and smiling at me. Somehow I felt relieved. I didn't know him. But his gesture calmed me. It was like as if he was telling me "don't worry he is coming".

at 2.45 pm I went to the nearby goldilocks to buy "sago't gulaman" ... then i noticed there is a missed call on my phone. THere it said "BAD HABIT". My jayson... I called him back...Immediately after he answered the phone he said sorry and parang mauubusan ng oras he said "mahal na mahal kita" ng paulit ulit.

We talked pretty long. If only we can stay on the phone forever. If only he won't have to leave... But then, I knew he needs that. For himself. For his family.And hopefully for us. :)

I cried on the phone. Sheesh. Can't help it kasi I thougt he'll leave without talking to me. And my heart sunk when he told me "sorry kung ninakawan kita ng halik nun huwebes a. Gustong gusto nga kita yakapin e". Then I asked him "bakit di mo ginawa?" Then he said "sabi mo kasi "hindi na tayo..." Sana pala ginawa niya..KAsi gustong gusto ko rin siya i-hug ngayon..

Then he also said na mag-ingat ako lagi. He said "thank you" too many times. He said he won't forget me. He said na sana itext ko parin at tawagan paminsan minsan parents at mga kapatid niya sa baguio..para kahit pano di mawalan communication namin.. THEn sabi niya ibinilin din daw niya na lagi din daw nila ako itext kasi siya baka mahirapan siya minsan i-contact ako kasi minsan buwan ang binibilang ng hindi nag da-dock yung barko... He said babalik siya...

Then I spoke with his Uncle Cayetano. Tito Cayetano said they'll be gone for 3 yrs. he asked me If I can wait for Jayson... I said "YES".

I said YES. Kahit officially hindi naman kami that time... Pero parang again hindi naman kami nagbreak kasi paulit ulit niyang sinabi kanina "mahal na mahal kita"...***sigh***

mahal ko rin siya...

His uncle's question seems to have paved the way for Me and Jayson to get back together..

Yes kami na ulit.

Right after I spoke with his uncle I told Jayson that I'm willing to give it another shot. I wanna give it another shot Because I love him. I asked Jayson what he would have to say about it. He said he never even considered breaking up with me in the first place. Hindi pa siya give up. Kaya daw pag nakikipag break ako, hindi siya nag re-react... I'm glad.

That is so him. You break-up with him, then the next time you talk it will be as if kayo pa rin...siya, na nag sasabi sayo ng plans niya three years later... Siya, na manghihingi ng kiss sa phone. Siya, na mag A-ilove you... Hay. I miss him already.

Hanggang sa makasakay ako ng bus magkausap kami. He was even planning for the future... Na mag iipon kami pareho... At pagbalik niya, bibili siya ng Kotse at pupuntahan niya ako at pupunta kami sa kanila sa Baguio.

Sabi ko sa kanya baka magpunta ulit ako ng singapore... next year. At baka dun ako mag work... He even told me na dun na kami magpakasal... this is not the first time he told me that.. una nag kwento nito sa akin MAMA niya.
Tinanong daw kasi nun pinsan nila na si CHAYA si Jayson kung ano pangarap niya.. Then sumagot daw si Jayson, seryoso yung pagkakasagot. Ang Sabi daw ni Jayson pangarap niya na magkalupa at sasakyan tapos mag-aasawa na siya. Then nagtanong Daw si CHAYA kung kanino naman siya magpapakasal the sabi daw ni Jayson "Kanino pa, e di kay Pia".

Kausap ko ang mama ni Jayson sa Phone nun kinukwento niya yun. It seems that she was happy naman with Jayson's answer. She even said na nun kinuwento daw sa kanya yun ni Chaya ang nasabi daw niya e "ay naku talaga ba? ay naku sige ipag pray natin na sana magtuloy tuloy na..."

Before I left for Singapore dati, bago kami magboard kausap ko rin si Jayson sa phone na mejo pahapyaw niyang sinabi sa akin na pagbalik niya after three years...

Dati magkausap kami nabanggit din niya na magpakasal kami...May mga iba pang instances before na binabanggit niya. Minsan dinadaan sa biro...

At kanina inulit na naman niya sabihin sa akin. Sabi ko OO. :)

He has plans. Im happy na kasama ako...:) And i don't care whether he meant it that time or not. Ang importante sa akin ng mga panahon na yun, masarap at masaya ang pakiramdam ko... tsaka ko na lnag iisipin yung bukas...

It's too early to talk about marriage.Maraming pwedeng mangyari... I know. But at this point, you can only dream about it. And hope that it materializes....

I know it's too early to plan for the future. But that's what people in love do. Diba? It's not as if im raising my hopes too high. Im just happy with how our conversation went kanina.. Still we don't know what's in store in the future.. maaaring nasabi lang niya yun kanina because kanina ramdam na ramdam niya na mahal niya ako at maaaring pag matagal niya ako di nakita magfade na lang yung love na yun... pero diba, there is always a possibility na mahal talaga niya ako at mapanatili niya yung kung ano man feelings meron siya para sa akin? That's why Im giving it a shot. For the last time.

Somehow deep inside i feel that we have created a very special connection to each other. Even if until now di ko pa rin alam plan ni lord para sa amin. Pero dati naisip ko na, na, ito yung binigay na chance ni lord sa amin ni Jayson. It's up to us how we're going to work our way around it. kung papabayan namin, then it's our fault. Kung nagpabaya kami, then maybe we're not meant for each other kasi sinayang namin yung chance na binigay sa amin.. that's why hanggang ngayon...im fighting for it. Kasi ayokong dumating yung time na magsisi ako kasi di ko binigay lahat.

Im sad kasi kahit naman siguro sino na naiwan nakakaramdam ng lungkot e. Ako pa kaya na ganto ang posisyon sa buhay niya... Pero masaya rin ako for him kasi alam ko, this job will be an instrument for his dreams to be realized.

NAtatandaan ko the first time na makausap ko si MAMA ni Jayson. Kasi tatawag daw sila sa akin kasi gusto ako makausap.. this is one thing that I like about our realtionship kasi kahit di pa kami nagkikita ng pamilya niya, they seem to really like me. And yes I really like them too. :)

Naaalala ko my conversation with his MAMA. Kasi sabi sa akin ng mama niya, si Jayson daw talaga yung "sakit" nila sa ulo. Oh well, that I can see. Si jayson kasi yung typical na lalaki na carefree. Very free spirited. Oh well atleast that's how I see him e. Then sabi niya sa akin na sana ako na lang daw sana yung mag pasensiya kay Jayson. Na sana pagkatiwalaan ko na lang daw siya (jayson), at maniwala ako sa sinasabi niya... SAbi ko OPO. Then I also told her na "BILIB" ako kay Jayson.

Kanina before we said goodbye I don't know buthe asked me what did i like about him... I said "wala". I was a bit embarrased to answer him s so instead I just said "di ko nga alam e. E ikaw, anu nagustuhan mo sa akin?" The he said O sige ako na lang, ako na lang..." "Gusto ko sayo...chubby (sabay tawa), maganda, mabait..."

I knew the answer to his question. Pero kanina di ko masabi, siguro kasi parang ang onti ng oras namin, tapos pareho pa namin alam na malapit ng ma-empty yung battery ng phone niya.. infact kanina nung naputol yung call, nakitext siya dun sa katabi niya para sabihin sa akin kung bakit nadisconnect... First time. Kahit sa kapatid niya parang labag ang loob niya na makitext. It somehow goes to show na siya siguro yung tipo na ayaw ng nakakaabala sa kapwa niya hanggat maari... pero kanina, nakitext siya dun sa katabi niya sa upuan... Sobrang naapreciate ko yun...

Going back to his question... Ofcourse alam na alam ko yung sagot ko dun...

For some reason I feel that "I can see through him".

Despite his being pasaway, I can see the gentleness. I can see the goodness. I can see someone who is passionate. Someone who is driven. Someone who is sweet. Someone who is a dreamer. Someone who is full of potential. Someone who is loving. Someone who is funny. Someone who is a child. Someone who can make something of himself someday...

For some reason naniniwala talaga ako sa kakayanan niya... Naniniwala ako na if given the chance kaya niyang gawin at tuparin lahat ng pangarap niya sa buhay...

I believe in HIM.

SAna someday makita ko pag naging successful na siya.. Kasi pag andun pako nun ibig sabihin kami pa rin. :)

Sana nga...

My Boo

2008-09-06T08:17:00.000-07:00

I really can't stay mad at him. Just the other day I went out to see him. We talked as if nothing happened. Well, parang ala naman talaga nangyari e. :) I learned on that day that he wasn't really giving up like what I thought.. Oo nga naman sinabi nga naman niya sa text "basta ako nandito lang lagi para sayo".. yun pala ibig sabihin nun. Funny but a day after we saw each other I feel weird again like I want to get back together with him. If I'll be honest with myself, that is the truth. Drat. Here I go again, the Hope thing. Damn.

He even told me that "3 years..."

He meant that after three years he want me and him...

Eto na naman siya.. acting as if I didn't break up with him... if only I can turn back on my words again.. kung pwede sana mag pretend din ako na hindi naki pagbreak... coz, damn i wanna give it another shot.

And ganda sana sa pakiramdam. Na merong taong gusto kang makasama kahit hindi pa niya alam kung ano ang mangyayari bukas.. Ang sarap pakingggan na merong taong inaanticipate ang "three years later" na kasama ka... Pero pero pero, BUT WHAT ABOUT THOSE DAYS INBETWEEN NOW AND THREE YEARS LATER? How can I see the future if we can't even fix our relationship now... Hindi naman pwedeng blangko yung relationship namin tapos to be continued na lang after three years.. know what i'm saying? Kung ngayon na andito lang kami pareho sa Pilipinas hindi constant yung commnunication namin, anu pa kaya pag umalis na siya... and I really can't carry on like that. I want somethin REAL. CONSISTENT. CONSTANT. COMMITMENT. Im not getting any younger and I can't put my life on hold to something that is not there... I don't mind waiting. I can wait. But I can only wait for someone who is in love with me...

Gusto kong malibang

2008-09-03T19:53:00.000-07:00

I got myself a new gadget. Hehe. I bought IPOD classic 80g kahapon. Bigla ko lang naisip nun mapadaan ako sa electroworld... hay. :)

Moving on...

2008-08-30T06:18:00.000-07:00

Why can't I really let go?

Why is it that everytime Im giving him up, Im hoping, on the back of my mind thinking, that he won't give up on me?

But then everything, may hangganan... no matter how much you're willing to love and understand a person, matatapos at matatapos din pala... sometimes ganun nga siguro. Pag ikaw na lang lagi ang umiintindi, nakakapagod din... but then still you'll think... hopefully... crap. There again, that word i'm starting to hate now. Hope. I keep hoping, that tomorrow it will be a brand new day for US. That we'll be able to meet half-way and settle our differences. But It was only me willing to compromise. How in the hell is that gonna work for us then? Now I can say we're hopeless...

But.. still I HOPE. Because I FEEL...

Why is it that I hope a lot when maybe this relationship has been doomed from the very beginning.

But then with just one phone call, everything changed.

With just one line... "inaantok nako..."

Don't get me wrong. I don't mind, but this is not the firsttime he told me that... I was so hurt that again he was being so unmindful of my feelings. We still had issues, and yet nagpapahiwatig na siya na gusto na niya tapusin ang paguusap namin just because inaantok na siya..? I've NEVER experience this before. Never. So uncaring. And UNINTERESTED>----Something hit me so hard. Enlightening. REalization. I finally had the courage to accept to myself that "WE" are REALLY hopeless. ANY person who will be in his situation, who will feel uninterested of our topic is so welcome to get out of my life. For all I care.

HE MADE ME GIVE UP. It's high time to really LET IT GO. Surprisingly, I didn't cry. I wonder why. Oh yeah I think I know why. Because I was quite prepared for it. I had a feeling this will happen... because what i was doing was just delaying the inevitable.

I have to admit. This time I was Angry. And there was no room for understanding in my heart during that time. I was Mad and that is all I know. Most of all I was Hurt. That line "Inaantok nako" says it all. It says "we're over".

Just two days ago I have considered giving him another chance... but then later that night instead of making up, I finally gave up...Finally. Ganun pala yun. May mga tao lang siguro talagang madaling mahalin na mahirap mahalin... Siya yun. Kasi hindi siya marunong magalaga sa love na binibigay mo sa kanya... Sayang.

...Can't find the right words...

2008-08-24T07:14:00.000-07:00

“I Only Want to be with You”
Vonda Shephard

I don't know what it is that makes me love you so
I only know I never want to let you go
'Cause you started something, can't you see
That ever since we met you've had a hold on me

It happens to be true
I only want to be with you

It doesn't matter where you go or what you do
I wanna spend each moment of the day with you
Look what has happened with just one kiss
I never knew that I could be in love like this

It's crazy but it's true
I only want to be with you

You stopped and smiled at me, asked me if I'd care to dance
I fell into your open arms and I didn't stand a chance

Now listen honey, I just wanna be beside you everywhere
As long as we're together honey I don't care
'Cause you started something, can't you see
That ever since we've met you've had a hold on me

No matter what you do
I only want to be with you

You stopped and smiled at me, asked me if I'd care to dance
I fell into your open arms and I didn't stand a chance
Now listen honey, I just want to be beside you everywhere
As long as we're together honey I don't care

'Cause you started something can't you see
That ever since we met you've had a hold on me

No matter what you do
I only want to be with you
No matter what you do
I only want to be with you

BACK TO YOU (John Mayer)

Back to you
it always comes around
back to you
I tried to forget you
I tried to stay away
But it's too late

Over you
I'm never over
over you
something about you
It's just the way you move
the way you move me

I'm so good at forgetting
and I quit every game I've played
but forgive me love
I can't turn and walk away

Back to you
it always comes around
back to you
I walk with your shadow
I'm sleeping in my bed
with your silhouette

Should have smiled in that picture
if it's the last that I'll see of you
it's the least that you could not do

Oh I will
leave the light on
I'll never give up on you
leave the light on
for me too

Back to me
I know that it comes
back to me
doesn't it scare you
your will is not as strong
as it used to be

Additional Lyrics:
...doesn't it scare you, doesn't it piss you off...

I'm weaker than you know

I'm swimming in a sea of faces
trying to find my way to you
but it's no use, in a crowded room
where everybody wants you

It's confirmed. I've gone crazy.

2008-08-23T23:47:00.000-07:00

I Feel So Unhappy ....

For Jayson

2008-08-22T22:24:00.000-07:00

I just got back from our trip to KL and Singapore, and during the time I was there, I really didn't think much about me and Jayson, but I still think of him every single day most specially before I got to sleep. WE definitely had issues we need to fix, and as long as it's not fixed then I won't be happy... Since he's unable to change (Oh don't get wrong, but maybe he's really not yet ready to be in a relationship), I felt I really have to end it already... you might be thinking what happened in between now and my last post. Well I couldn't say we got back together but it was more like, he didn't know that we've broken up already or that he was just pretending he didn't know... the reason why I allowed us to get back together was because of the "sign" that I asked from the lord whether to continue our relationship or not.. the sign came two days after I ended "it"... And so we got back together only for me to end it again while I was in Singapore. And God knows, I wasn't happy with my decision...

When I met Jayson, he meant to leave for work... Leave as in for another country... even before I left for Singapore our communication is very erratic. And when I left for Singapore, I had a taste of what it would be like when he leaves for work... And I cannot accept that. Maybe that's just how he handles a relationship, but I beg to differ... and that's where our problem comes in. Before kasi tanggap ko na ganun lang siguro talaga SA NGAYON. For the mean time. Pero habang tumatagal, wala pa ring improvement.. We don't really see each other since he lives in Baguio so I feel that we have to make bawi sa communication man lang, so kung rare yung communication I feel that we should not be more than friends... And sometimes pag naiinis kasi ako, naiisip ko lagi na " I won't have it any other way If I can't have it my way" pero at the end of the day, when you really love someone, you'll try your best to understand them ... accept it as it is... mag tiis. Ganun.

But my leaving for Singapore has helped me finalized my decision. We went to KL first and stayed two days, on the third day we went to Singapore. On the fourth day and still no sign from him I finally "ended it". I thought, If a person really loves you, he should be concerned whether you landed safely or not, oh well ofcourse he knew I was safe because I TOLD HIM, but it's still different if HE is exerting extra effort to make you feel that he is thinking and cares about you, right? I knew he was mad at me for breaking up with him, he told me that Iba-iba ang tao... He told me na mahal daw niya ako and that iba-iba lang talaga and characters ng mga tao. I AGREE. But I don't deserve that kind of treatment. AND if he can't give me what I need, I'm gonna let him go, and he can find someone else who can make do with the way he's handling relationship. My hopes were high before na kahit marami kaming issues, makakaya namin yung isolve. Pero I cannot do it alone. And all the more that it won't be solved if he's not taking any steps to solve it.

...But still I hope. And Im not closing my doors. Im open to any possibilities. In the future... who knows... but that will only happen if he knows how to treat a girlfriend right. Somehow I can understand him. Naiintindihan ko na ngayon what's going on. Before issue na rin ito but when I told him about what I feel regarding his feelings for me, he said that It was wrong for me to just judge him like that. For a while I was taken aback for a very "matured" statement he just said. Maybe he was right. I was wrong. And maybe I am wrong for measuring his love for me just like that. Maybe I am wrong. But I won't have it any other way if I can't have it my way. And I mean it this time. Sobra sobra na ba yung hinihingi ko?? Di ba hindi naman?? and I know it's something that should NOT be asked. Kasi between a couple it should be given voluntarily.. at pag hiningi just because hindi binibigay ng kusa then there is something wrong with the relationship. That's why I decided that we end it. I could have given him more time. I could have understand him more. Pero I had a feeling that I was trying to push things more harder. At pag pinilit ko pa e hindi naman pala para saken, baka magkasira lang talaga kami at the end. So I felt mas mabuti pa na maghiwalay kami while I still love him kasi kaya ko pa siya intindihin, and that's what I've been doing ever since... Ayokong dumating sa point na magalit ako... Kasi when I get mad, it's gonna be bad for the two of us.

There was one point, I was hoping na hindi siya papayag sa break-up...

...but then, he just gave up too, so maybe hanggang dito na lang talaga kami...

Is it Over Now?

2008-07-30T16:22:00.000-07:00

I am a walking contradiction talaga sa maraming bagay, pero hindi pagdating sa decision making... ngayun lang. Just the other night I was so hellbent on putting the "thing" to a halt, pero the next day iba na decision ko, siguro kasi nakapag isip isip nako nun umaga na tsaka marami na akong nakausap na tao, nahingan ng advice.. then narealize ko sige tama sila... onti pa... then that freaking text message the morning probably drove him away! And I don't know what he's thinking. IF only...

Mabuti na lang andyan si Lindsey (his sister), somehow natutulungan niya ako how to understand him, pero I cant txt her now kasi nag rereview siya for board exam.. Maybe he gave up already... Ang lungkot pala. Malungkot na malungkot. HIndi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Ako kasi sobrang maprinsipyo akong tao. Pamantayan ko lagi "SAy what you mean, Mean what you SAy". that's why until the last time we "talked" i never got the chance to tell him that I...Him. YUn. Hay. Kasi sobrang inintay ko yun time na ramdam na ramdam ko siya. Yung tipong ako mismo kumbinsido ako na, a tototo nga, nararamdaman ko na siya... Until this week came. Its been a week na na wala kami communication, siguro totoo nga rin yung sinabi ng iba na you'll only realize the worth of a person in your life until they are gone... and now he's gone... Ay ang lungkot talaga. AND i wanna tell him that I...him. Pero wala naman siya? Kanino ko sasabihin yun?!?! Its true pala, its hard to say I Love you when you really mean it. Totoo Pala. I kept denying kasi... At minsan nagyayari na lang pala yun without reason, Si ako kasi gusto lagi me explanation ang lahat lahat e. There are just somethings lang pala talaga that you can't explain. Na you just know its happening for a reason, kung ano man yung reason na yun, Si GOD na lang nakakaalam...

A few weeks back my friend Alice kept asking me "SINO si JAYSON?" Buti na lang panggabi ako kaya hindi nila ako masyado na iinterrogate.. although merong di nakakaalam, marami rin naman akong sinabihan sa mga kaibigan ko. Kumalat lang sa buong Team namin yun everyday name na "JAYSON" dahil one day, yung papel na sinusulatan namin ng mga confirmation numbers nasulatan ko pala ng name na "JAYSON" sa likod, nakita ng Team Manager ko at ibinalita sa lahat ng ka Team ko, kaya kinabukasan ako ang topic nila sa meeting. AT ang akala nilang JAYSON ay yung lalaking nakatabi ko sa Bus na ibinayad ako ng pamasahe from Buendia to Binan kasi tulog ako nun maningil yun conductor... hindi na niya yata ako pinagising e.. pero siyempre nagising ako before sa amin, at siyempre nalaman ko na di pa ako bayad kaya pinilit ko ibalik yun ibinayad niya, tapos never nako lumingon dun sa side niya. Kesyo mag ka stiffneck ako sa pag tingin sa kaliwa Keri lang. Hiyang Hiya kasi ako. Masyado ako nag enjoy sa pagtulog. Hanggang ngayon issue yung iba daw yung itsura ko ngayon, at yung ngiti ko. E wala naman nabago saken e. Hanggang ngayon tinatanong pa rin nila ako... kaya nilagay ko ang URL nitong blog ko sa friendster e para masagot yung tanong nila kung sino si JAYSON.

I miss my friend me-anne. She was the one who enlightened me to give it a shot e, but now that things are not going well, I don't wanna let her know kasi I know iisipin din ako nun kahit papaano, e sobrang delicate yung pregnancy niya.. Hay buti pa siya magkaka baby na...

Natatandaan ko nagtext si Me-anne saken one night, sabi niya "wag mong
kakalimutan na ang tracker sulatan ng confirmations mo, hindi ng pangalan ng
taong laman lagi ng isip mo". Hehe. Narealized ko, may point siya dun.

But now he's gone e. And i don't know what made him give up... Sayang, ni hindi ko man langnasabi sa kanya... SIguro this is for the best na rin, kasi siguro fate na yung nag decide for us. Although, ayoko ng decision ni fate wala naman ako magagawa e. I miss him. Im trying to take this all in very lightly... masyado na akong naapektohan e. ayoko nang mas maging miserable pa.

Half-hearted

2008-07-29T09:49:00.001-07:00

I just got back from watching the premier night of "A very special love" hehe, twas super. Luvet! I was halfway out there you know, if only the movie wasn't that good maybe I wouldnt have watched it at all, because half of my mind was occupied. I don't know... on my way back to the office I just came up with a decision, I was riding the elevator and my knees were trembling because of that. I didn't want that decision, but I have to. We, girls, sometimes falling in love shocks the hell out of us. And the freaked-out me chose to ran away. Oh well, guess its not meant to be. I was braver before. But as soon as I have admitted to myself that maybe I am inlurv-- oooopss! I don't even wanna say it. Admitting it would weaken me, I know.

This decision makes me sad. I never wanted this. I didn't want it to end. But sometimes we're left with no choice if we want to save atleast what's left of us. If ony he was a bit older... siguro mas magkakaintindihan kami... bakit ba laging issue ang age? diba dapat hindi naman? Pero kasi yun ang problema e. Siguro kasi di pa siya ganun ka matured, so minsan di pa niya alam kung ano ipa-prioritize niya... this is not the right time for the two of us siguro. Not when Im 24 and he was just 19. This won;t be the right time for us kung hindi niya pipiliting mag adjust. I cannot do it alone.

Plane Ticket: Done!

2008-07-17T20:44:00.000-07:00

Last saturday, Erin And I have booked our flight to Kuala Lumpur and back. Luckily umabot pa kami sa promo ng Malaysia Airlines.. or shall I say, I'm lucky kasi umabot pa AKO sa promo. :)

We intended to book it last Friday but I think the MH website was down so we were unsuccessful then.. Then Saturday morning right after our shift, we went ahead and booked our plane tickets. In MH, one way to KL would cost 91USD if you're lucky enough to catch their promo. Three mos ago it was only 79USD. Two mos ago it was 89USD. A week ago it was 99USD. Then the promo ended last Sunday JULy 13. We we're supposed to book all three of Us at the same time but whenever we were putting in 3 adults, the total would always come out as 500+ USD. So we thought, we might as well book it individually. We tasked Erin to book our Flight, since your's truly have done her share on extensive researching already.. (hehe) , so I asked her to book her own ticket first because she's too familiar already with her own personal details before she book mine and Maricon's... but since she was unable to book it last friday and we were together naman the next day, I went with her. Since I was with her, the tendency is that I go first. (as usual. Oh dear I should know better. She was afraid she'll mess up her booking! HEHE) .
I booked mine. Done. With all the taxes it's about 101 USD.

Then when it was her turn to book her own, the total went to about 198 USD. Don't know what happened. We even tried to use a different computer with different ISP. no LUck.

I was also in a panic kasi there'll be a tendency na mag Tiger na lang sila or AirAsia. KAsi 200USD is already the amount of a two way ticket, sobra silang mamamahalan... But still, trying to be brave, I told Erin to think about booking MH kasi it;s so expensive na nga. Then right after, in split seconds I made a decision that I can GO ALONE. They can go to Clark instead and that's OK with me, But Erin chose to Book MH no matter, even if it's 200 USD one way because she was afraid to fly with just herself and MAricon. HEHE. Parang sayang ang money lang kasi... but anyways maybe luck wasn't on our side then.. Then we booked Cabu Pacific for our return Manila from Singapore.

I.CAN;T.SAY.IT...ATLEAST.NOT.YET

2008-07-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

I probably won't get tired reading his messages. I feel something I never dared think about much more say out loud even to my friends, most specially to him who I know have been wanting to hear it from me since it all started. I feel it. I think about it. I think I know it... I just can't bring myself to say it....

I have to be certain.. I might be mistaken..

When you're happy and you know it CLap your Hands!

2008-07-17T19:34:00.000-07:00

JULY 6, 2008. I have taken the road I was so trying to avoid before. I don't know what happened to me to make a decision in such a haste. Not that I didn't think hard enough about it, but it was something that my head didn't make but my heart. Sometimes I wonder what he's got that has made me so reckless of the possibilities of me getting hurt in the end. But, heck, Im giving it a shot, come what may...

It's been a roller coaster ride ever since..

He was the one who started everything... I was NOT even in love... I was merely the one who gave ourselves a chance... but why is it lately... I think the table has turned already..

Shall I now brace myself for the pain that is near?

It's hard. MOst of the time I want to give up on him. But I'm hanging on.. I believe in HIm despite his age...

PLS Don't disappoint me J. Remember we were friends first. And YOU were the one who got me into this... Be patient with me.. I want to make sure of myself.

Philippine Passport: Done!

2008-07-08T16:00:00.000-07:00

I knew my plan to go to singapore will push through.. no matter what it takes, i will make it happen! Come hell or high water. (hehe). Yesterday I finally got my Passport. New look. Never liked it. Looked fake. My papa's passport eons ago looked even more better. And my aunt told me that there is some kind a new thingy about DFA changing the passport again by september.. duh.

I know I should have started blogging about it from the very first stage of planning, but then like I said before, I lost interest blogging when my lolo died. Im gonna let you in on a little secret... one reason why I cannot blog was because I was afraid to be left alone in our room in the middle of the night, not entirely the reason, but this is one factor I can't blog that time.. ang babaw ko talaga! I loved lolo. Never doubt it. But i always felt that before he died he wanted to go to our house and sleep in our room kasi me aircon! hehe. sosyal si tatay e. :) the night he died dapat dun siya natutulog sa kwarto namin ni ate... kaso di ako nakapunta sa kanila... minsan nga naisip ko, siguro kung nasundo ko sila, maybe, just maybe.. buhay pa siya. Halos after a month nga na nailibing si lolo bago ako nagkalakas loob na gamitin yung air-con, hehe, minsan naiimagine ko na during my sleep bigla na lang bubukas yung air-con.. hehe. ala lang. meron lang akong over active imagination sometimes.

***sigh***

atska another reason na naisip ko siguro kung di ko sinabihan si lolo nun wake niya na wag niya ako dadalawin siguro dinalaw ako nun kasi alam ko love na love ako nun e. I felt he would like to see me if only I was not afraid. Kasi about 6 yrs ago, mejo muntikan na rin si tatay e.. nasa probinsya pa sila nun na nung nagkamalay yata siya ako agad yung hinanap niya. So go agad ako dun, at nagiiyak bago pa makapasok sa hospital room. Did i mention here that I was the favorite? :) Suplado yun e. Ako lang and apo na nakaka tolerate.. :) hehe. Love him. Miss him. Everyday.

Anyway going back to my Singapore chuva, yun nga I got my passport yesterday, july 8. I applied for it, monday Jun16, pero dahil maarte ang tao dun di kami tinanggap! bumalik daw kami Jun 18. Hay nako.. pagkatapos kong magkandaligaw ligaw... wala rin pala. In short, wasted! At eto pa, palitan ko daw yung picture ko! hah. Tsk. tsk. tsk.. nenenegosyo..kasi gusto nila dun ka magpapicture dun sa nasa loob ng covered court, which I later learned na may "quota" daw kasi yung mga empleyado ng DFA dun. Imagine, ang passport size dun PHP 150! e sa labas PHP 60 lang kaya yun.. bale yun yung kwento saken nun may-ari ng LOUIES STUDIO sa Binan.

Owner: O bakit di tinanggap 'to? ( I was showing them my picture na sila ang kumuha na nireject nun taga DFA)

Pia: E kasi yung royale blue na color sa likod di daw pantay kulay. Medyo dark daw po yun sa me lower part.

Owner: E yung sa aming mag-anak nun naka raang araw lang kami nag-punta dun, lahat kami natanggap.

Pia: Ewan ko nga po e.

Owner: Anu oras ka ba nagpunta dun?

Pia: Maaga po. around 600 am andun na kami e..

Owner: Ah, kaya na reject yan kasi namalas ka lang na ma tripan kasi di pa nila naabot yung" quota nila" E kami mag- anak, tanghali pumunta, ok naman lahat.

O wala lang, share ko lang. kainis Kasi.Tsk.

Tapos yung nga pinababalik na lang kami ng WED, jun 18. I was with Erin e, yung friend ko at yung pasaway niyang kapatid na si JUAN CARLOS. Hehe. Magantihan kahit sa pamamamagitan ng pangalan! hehe. Bawal pala pumasok sa DFA pag wala ka gagawin noh? kasi naiwan si JC sa labas e. Hehe. nun binalikan namin siya, nakasimangot na. Mainit na ulo. :) Tapos, since sobra aga pa. It was only around 8am nun lumabas kami ng premises ng DFA, nag kaayaan kami ng MOA. I've never been there... Hindi ko naman pwede i-consider yung pagkain sa Gerry's Grill sa me likod and ang panunuod ng Pyrolympics (tama ba spell tama ba?!?) na naka punta na ako ng MOA e diba? Nakiraan pwede pa. E lahat kami mga engklok, nag lakad kami! e wala naman ako alam dun sa lugar na yun e. It is the part in Manila na hindi ko napupuntahn. Bring me to Manila ( except Roxas blvd area) or Quezon City and I'd know how to find my way around. But there along Roxas blvd? Ang hirap dun e. Tsk Tsk. Si JC me kasalanan niyan e. Nagmamarunong. Hehe. Masaya pala 'to, nagagantihan ko siya sa mga pangaapi niya sa akin! hehe. Pero sumakay din kami dun sa maliit na sasakyan na kulay orange, Kaya pagdating sa MOA, sarado pa siya! ang sya saya. Punta kami dun s likod.. Ganda pala dun. kasi nun nag Gerry's kami and nanoond ng Pyrolympics gabi e. wala ako makitang view. Sa umaga maganda pala siya, kitang kita yung "maduming tubig" hehe. infairness tinaasan yung harang para di visible ang mga floating objects . :) , at narealize ko dahil naka flip flops lang ako, ang dumi na pala ng paa ko sa haba ng nilakad namin.. tsk tsk. sablay talaga. buti na lang useful ang wet tissue!

Tapos, yun nga bumalik kami ng WED sa DFA. 9am ang appointment ko si Erin 8am. So she went first. HIndi na sumama si JC. Hehe. Tingin ko nadala.. :) That Day was Jun 18th. Yung last day ng promo ng Malaysia Airlines was Jun 22, so obviously di kami aabot kahit ipa expedite pa namin yung processing nung passport. So we agreed na regular processing na lang, on the back of our mind hoping kami na mag karon ulit ng promo ang MH. kasi pangalawa na yun e. which we also missed. Drat. Ako naiwan dun sa me pila sa GAte 2, para dun nga sa me mga appointment ng 9am. I met a girl named Lory. Buti na lang kasi di ko namalayan yung takbo ng oras mahigit 1 oras din pala yung lumipas simula ng pumila kami dun... Todo kwentuhan kasi kami, kala mo matagal na magkakilala. :) Then pinuntahan ako ni Erin right after niya matapos. Sabi niya sa akin na pag pumunta daw ako sa Auditorium, pumunta ako dun sa area ng bayaran. Marami daw upuan sa loob ng auditorium, wag daw ako uupo agad kasi kelangan ko muna mag bayad.

So i went.

And I paid.

And I sat.

...Nakita ko ulit si Lory... naalala ko yung kwentuhan namin nun nakapila kami sa labas ng Gate2. kasi napag kwentuhan namin na ang mga GOvt employees, hndi naman sa nilalahat, pero ang image nila sa mata ng nakakarami ay mga "masusungit". E me babae dun sa me mga maraming windows na area na feeling ko nag pa-power tripping lang sya. she was giving the nanay a hard time na nag-aaply ng passport. Sobra. GRRRR!. Naalala ko nga nun nakapila pa ako, Erin txted me na pag Expedited makukuha daw ng jun 27, pag regular Jul 18. When I read her text, I called her up immediately kasi narealized ko, angtagal masyado ng JUL 18. E si ako, medyo hindi talent ang mag hintay.

So I was on the phone telling Erin to have it "EXP--- nada. cut. gone.

"Erin?! sayang ang load!"

....then I learned later that day na sinungitan siya nun isang empleyado sa DFA kasi nag se-cellphone siya. Hay... Highblood! Ayun, na-tensyon, ni-end ang call! TSk. I was thingking I'll have mine expedited na lang.. kasi nga ayoko ng nag-iintay talaga... ( funny how they call it "overnight" dun sa DFA, e yung overnight nila ang ibig sabihin 7 working days.. tsk. tsk kelan pa naging Overnight yun??!?! ) pero at the end regular na rin yung kinuha ko kasi yung mga expedited pala afternoon makukuha ng jun 27 e me pasok ako sa gabi... so regular na lang kaya kahapon JUL 8, nakuha ko na passport ko. hehe. Another valid ID! :) Wala lang, masya lang kasi SSS lang ang meron ako valid ID e. :)

Oh before ko makalimutan,, kasi baka mabasa niya 'to magtampo kasi di ko siya nabanggit. :) I met a guy named Jayson, dun sa loob ng auditorium. Naalala ko pa yung sinabi ni Erin na pag nakakita ako ng maraming upuan, wag daw ako uupo. Kasi ganun daw yung ginawa niya. :) I met Jayson, sa ganung scenario. Isa siyang biktima. hehe. kasi nasa kalagitnaan na siya ng rows ng upuan ng magtanong siya saken kung babayaran daw ba yung recibo na binigay sa amin dun sa me maraming windows.. I said yes. And I noticed his panic stricken face :) , siguro naisip niya na kung aalis siya sa pila para magbayad, he has to start lining up again simula dun sa huling nakapila. E dahil mabait ako, sabi ko sa kanya bayaran na niya at i sa-save ko yung seat niya, then the lady on my other side, hindi rin pala nagbayad..I-save ko rin daw yung seat niya.. E bakit ba kasi yung payment people nandun sa pinaka loob na corner?!?!?!

Jayson Got his passport Jun 27, he went back to manila, pumunta sa office... ng nakainom. bakit nga ba nag-inom? di ako sure kung narinig ko siya ng tama, pero takot daw siya... sumthing. tsk tsk. pero masaya naman. makulit. Bolero. matigas ulo. :)

Im glad, meron nako Passport.

Next level na on our trip to singapore! later this week, we're gonna book a flight to Kuala lumpur. Kasi KL muna kami, then Bus to SG to we'll go to BATAM Indonesia through ferry. siguro 1 day lang Lami dun sa Batam.

We also have a place to stay na, HAHA. Sosyal..

In Kuala Lumpur we're gonna be staying at the Crowne Plaza KL, that's August 12-14.

Then in Singapore, we'll stay at Holiday INN Atrium. Aug 15-21. At , on our way back siguro yung last night sa Crowne PLaza Changi Airport (AUG 21). YUng sa batam, Holiday INN Batam naman (pagiisipan pa kung saan pwede i singit na araw.., 1 night lang siguro. Have you noticed anything? Cguro wala. hehe. Aaminin ko na employee rate lang lahat yan! :) MAs mura kasi kesa pag kukuha pa ng mga backpacker hotels e.. tapos mahal pag gutso mo solo nyo kwarto, pag naman me ka share ka halos pareho lang ng employee rate namin sa IHG ang kakalabasam kaya nag CP at HI na lang kami. onting dagdag lang pero mas secured na komportable pa! :0

**side thoughts**

kahapon ng pauwi ako sa amin, tinitingnan ko yung passport ko. Tiningnan ko yung validity date.. naisip ko lang kung after a few years... naisip ko lang naman... mawalan kami ng communication...(with Erin I think imposible nang mangyari kasi uber friend ko yun since college pa, so no way talaga na mawawalan kami communication) Yun nga tsine check ko yung validity date.. naisip ko, pare-pareho kaya ng validity date yung aken, kay Erin, lory at Jayson? And if by a beautiful twist of fate, nagkita ulit kami dun to renew our passports...never mind na pala si lory kasi wala naman talaga ako communication talaga. :) Example lang naman.. wala lang. wala ako sinasabi.. naisip ko lang..

Pero! naisip ko rin.. baka hindi na ako philippine passport holder ng time na yun. :) farfetched!!! naisip ko lang naman kaya medyo exaggerated... oo exaggerated talaga. Fine.

That's more like it!

2008-06-23T04:20:00.000-07:00

I remember the last most sensational email I have read about Filipinos. Well, it was a hate email. I'm sure most of you have read it already. I wonder why there are people who keeps on maligning our race.. But ofcourse there are also people who are very appreciative of our talent. Read this article I got from another website, which made me feel so good despite my terrible headache. :)

Imagine a world without Filipinos
Abdullah Al-Maghlooth | Al-Watan, almaghlooth@alwatan.com.sa

Muhammad Al-Maghrabi became handicapped and shut down his flower and gifts shop business in Jeddah after his Filipino workers insisted on leaving and returning home. He says: “When they left, I felt as if I had lost my arms. I was so sad that I lost my appetite.”

Al-Maghrabi then flew to Manila to look for two other Filipino workers to replace the ones who had left. Previously, he had tried workers of different nationalities but they did not impress him. “There is no comparison between Filipinos and others,” he says. Whenever I see Filipinos working in the Kingdom, I wonder what our life would be without them.

Saudi Arabia has the largest number of Filipino workers — 1,019,577 — outside the Philippines. In 2006 alone, the Kingdom recruited more than 223,000 workers from the Philippines and their numbers are still increasing. Filipinos not only play an important and effective role in the Kingdom, they also perform different jobs in countries across the world, including working as sailors. They are known for their professionalism and the quality of their work.

Nobody here can think of a life without Filipinos, who make up around 20 percent of the world’s seafarers. There are 1.2 million Filipino sailors.

So if Filipinos decided one day to stop working or go on strike for any reason, who would transport oil, food and heavy equipment across the world? We can only imagine the disaster that would happen.

What makes Filipinos unique is their ability to speak very good English and the technical training they receive in the early stages of their education. There are several specialized training institutes in the Philippines, including those specializing in engineering and road maintenance. This training background makes them highly competent in these vital areas.

When speaking about the Philippines, we should not forget Filipino nurses. They are some 23 percent of the world’s total number of nurses. The Philippines is home to over 190 accredited nursing colleges and institutes, from which some 9,000 nurses graduate each year. Many of them work abroad in countries such as the US, the UK, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates, Kuwait and Singapore.

Cathy Ann, a 35-year-old Filipino nurse who has been working in the Kingdom for the last five years and before that in Singapore, said she does not feel homesick abroad because “I am surrounded by my compatriots everywhere.” Ann thinks that early training allows Filipinos to excel in nursing and other vocations. She started learning this profession at the age of four as her aunt, a nurse, used to take her to hospital and ask her to watch the work. “She used to kiss me whenever I learned a new thing. At the age of 11, I could do a lot. I began doing things like measuring my grandfather’s blood pressure and giving my mother her insulin injections,” she said.

This type of early education system is lacking in the Kingdom. Many of our children reach the university stage without learning anything except boredom.

The Philippines, which you can barely see on the map, is a very effective country thanks to its people. It has the ability to influence the entire world economy.

We should pay respect to Filipino workers, not only by employing them but also by learning from their valuable experiences.

We should learn and educate our children on how to operate and maintain ships and oil tankers, as well as planning and nursing and how to achieve perfection in our work. This is a must so that we do not become like Muhammad Al-Maghrabi who lost his interest and appetite when Filipino workers left his flower shop.

We have to remember that we are very much dependent on the Filipinos around us. We could die a slow death if they chose to leave us.

...Birthday Tatay!

2008-06-13T23:23:00.000-07:00

To the people who became my friend through this blog, I apologize if I haven't been visiting your blog lately... I just kind of lost the drive to blog since my lolo passed away..

and Today we're supposed to be celebrating my Lolo's 85th birthday, who I fondly called Tatay. I thank God for his life. For making me a part of it. I miss him so much. Today June 14th was his birthday. When I was typing the title "Happy Birthday Tatay!" earlier, it made me think if I should still put "happy" before the word "birthday" if the celebrant has passed away already.. oh well just a thought... but the I decided with the "..." instead.

Since he died I never really felt that he's left us, although I'm missing him every single day... but now that we're celebrating his birthday, it's so different that the "celebrant" is not with you anymore. It is today that I have felt terrible longing of seeing him. Holding him. Guiding him. Earlier I just cried all of a sudden. The same feeling I had 2 days prior to his internment, because during that time, I knew that I only had 2 days to see him for the last time.. I missed him then. I still miss him now. But It is today that I miss him the most since he died. a lot of times in a day I think of him, his memories, then my thoughts will be divided between my him and Inay. The person who have felt the most loss, the most painful of pains when my lolo died. If i felt this terrible how much more my grandmother? When lolo passed away, I have easily accepted his death, because I knew that he'll be in a better place where there is no sickness and pain. But when he died, what worried me the most is the person he has left behind. Lola. But Im glad with the strength she's showing us since lolo died. She's proving me otherwise. I'm proud. The person who we thought was weak is after all strong. And I'm praying to God to continue to give her all the strength she needs,and good health . There are days, I stay with lola and sometimes even during my rest days from work, that I stay in my lola's house, and At night when I'm sleeping beside her, I never had a continued sleep. I was sleeping very lightly. Im scared. I would see to it that during the night I'm gonna check on her and Im even gonna hold her hand while sleeping. That's how scared I am. But I believe in her, and I will always be with her all through out.

Makes me think of the Armageddon OST--- "I can stay awake just to hear you breathing...watch you smile while you are sleeping... "

I have lost a grandfather. My ONLY grandfather. ( I was never given the chance to become close with my other grandfather in short. ) And I intend to have my grandmother for a longer time. I don't think I'll be able take it if something happens to her. I just can't. My life is my family. Papa. Mama. Ate. Inay (lola). Tita. Tito. and Lolo (Not in chronological order) These people are my life. I cannot imagine how's life without them.

My lolo's death has become another turning point in my life. Some realizations came within me. Some decisions finalized. It has made me realized that our life is all about numbers. (?). maybe that's why i hate math... life=number. think about it. If only our lives are not being "numbered"...

Jason Castro's Somewhere Over the Rainbow

2008-04-12T10:35:00.000-07:00

I don't really watch American Idol. Well, ok fine I do, but depending on my availability and my MOOD. Earlier I just happened to be slouching on the sofa when I chanced upon American Idol, too bad Ramiel (who is a Pinay) lost last week ( so I heard), then this guy named Jason Castro sang "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" This is classic and it has withstand the test of time and rough competence, this song remains here. Never forgotten. But I never expected that a song almost a nursery rhyme will be used as a piece in a singing competition. But oh boy, what a song. It was amazing. The kind which brings you back memory lane with a twist. Very very good. Really like it. It's like an old song we all are familiar of, something we grew up with, but listening to it, the new version, Jason Castro's version to be more specific--- coz I heard the original singer just now who made that version.. that's good also by the way.. but Jason's---amazing. It must be the guitar. lol. :) It must be the guitar. The very cute guitar.

Oh Gosh,

I'm in love. :)

I'm supposed to put the song here on the side bar but it doesn't buffer that fast, as soon as mp3-codes.com has the codes Im gonna be putting that song here, and I'll probably say goodbye to Michael Buble for now... lol.

New Look

2008-04-12T08:56:00.000-07:00

Hehe. I kinda Like my new template... very cool to the eyes. The old one, I liked too. I never really had the time to really fix that, until I decided i wanna change it to something new. I guess that's what's not good about me. Madali ako masawa... *sigh*

Lol.

P

Trying out Krispy Kreme

2008-04-11T08:53:00.000-07:00

I have planned on buying Krispy Kreme since last week since it's been famous here in the Philippines for quite some time now, so I thought I'd
give it a try. I only know that it was located somewhere along Ayala Ave. and from the conversation that I heard last week, It's located near "Standard Chartered", So After I got out from the office, I just decided to head towards Ayala Ave. rather than to just get on the Bus to LRT. So I started walking, I heard that its only "2 underpasses" away from RCBC Plaza.... But after I have Passed the second underpass and I was way past Standard Chartered, I was starting to loose hope.. :) I was thinking, Have I walked past it and didn't notice? Which I doubt because I was really looking intently for the sign. Then came the 3rd underpass, ( I have no choice. Im in Ayala. I can only, walk forward. If I go back, I'll probably have to walk half of the stretched of what I have already traveled and cross the road to get a transport to LRT.) And a few more walking, there I saw a sign that doesn't say "Krispy Kreme" but something else. I've got a blurred vision, I had to turn back because I walked past it already when something inside me said that it was what I was looking for. ( Thanks to the colorful interior that can be seen from the outside which gives me the feeling that it was actually " Krispy Kreme"). It was when I turned back and literally read the sign, that I have noticed, it was only then that I have noticed that the name "Krispy Kreme" was there. The store's name wasn't actually that but something like "Chill" or "Chillers" I think or something that starts with a "C". LOL. :) I didn't really pay any attention at all. It's very hot in this time of the year here, so I was really tired from walking. :)

I decided to buy a dozen doughnuts and brought it Home.

Mama, was so wierd. The very first one she decided to try was the New York Cheese cake. I guess she got overwhelemd with its fillings, very thick, so she started scraping it out. LOL. Is scraping the fillings out worth my money?!? Tsk. But me, I enjoyed it.

This is the Origianl Glazed Doughnut. LUvet! :)

I also like this one. Caramel Kreme Crunch.

There's also another one which I really liked. Glazed Raspberry filled.

Good Buy. More expensive than Go Nuts, but Krispy Kreme's bigger (?) :)
But I still like GoNuts. Their Donuts look really simple, but when you eat it you get this satisfied feeling. Krispy Kreme is, no doubt equally delicious, but something overwheelming with the thickness of the fillings. I liked Raspberry because it's in a form of Jam.
Me likes it!

Oh by the way, here are the store address just in case you haven't tried it yet, just in case you decided to go for a walk, you won't get lost like me. :)

Flagship Store Now Open! Bonifacio High Street Bonifacio, Global City Taguig City	4th Store Now Open! Cinema Level, TriNoma Quezon City
2nd Store Now Open! SM Megamall Upper Ground Floor, Building B Mandaluyong City	5th Store Now Open! Mall of Asia Main Mall, Ground floor Pasay City
3rd Store Now Open! Greenhills Shopping Center San Juan, Metro Manila	6th Store Now Open! Ayala Avenue (Ground floor, Jaka Building) Makati City

I found a stay-at-home job

2008-03-26T07:05:00.000-07:00

Finally, I have landed myself a work-at-home job. I dunno, I think I have changed a lot since my ICT days. And right now is the time of my life that I'm working the hardest. Really. I have a full-time day job and I also have a part-time job at night. I am working as a Virtual Assistant right now. I am still getting myself comfortable with the job, considering that I have no secretarial experience or what not. But I'm having fun. I also feel lucky that my Boss is very cool and considerate.

Guys, I f you want to try this just click on the banner ( you'll be my referral, lol, then click on "create an account" then there'll be three radio buttons there, if you are looking for a job, click on "freelance provider".
Looking back, two years ago, I couldn't imagine myself sacrificing this much. Working the entire day, hurrying back home, login to computer, put on the headset make some phone calls (....again. since that is the same thing I do at the office, but not much really when I'm home. Just a few actually...for right now). I hope I'll do better at my Virtual Assistant role in the coming days. But I'm really glad I found Odesk, because it gives me the chance to earn more without leaving home. I am so much of a homebody to get a second job somewhere else that would require a couple or more commuting, I have so much of that since college and even until now, traveling back and forth from Binan to Makati, and Binan to Sta. Mesa and (vise-versa) when I was still in College. 4 out of my 24 hours, I'm on the road ( but not driving my own car. :) ), I don't want to spend another hour to go another place for my second job, I just want to head back HOME.

I am probably getting older. Lol. Really, I think of a lot of things right now. Future. PARENTS. And that is A LOT, I tell you, just thinking about it, and worrying what's instore in the future.. jeez, I feel tired already. For the past year, I have felt alone. And an only child. But I'm not an only child, so that's the problem. When you feel that Big responsibility in your shoulders and no one's sharing it, it feels heavy specially when you know that someone should be sharing that with you. I'm just so glad she's back. I feel better now. Pressure still there, coz even if she's back, I'm not sure if we have the same goals and plans for our parents. I hope she's thinking about them too. But I'm feeling more better compare before. My parents, they are not really dependent on me, because they still have their own income. But I don't want them to work anymore, our lifestyle isn't luxurious, we can't afford to be luxurious basically. But we probably have a little of a lot of things, but not luxurious. Maybe that is what's missing. I wanna treat them to a fancy restaurant. I wanna save enough money so that I'll be able to buy them Plane ticket to Hong Kong, do a little shopping, go to Disneyland. It really sounds simple and probably shallow, but I wanna do it for them. Because I know, even If they can afford it, they won't do it for themselves. I think about giving them these little luxuries, Because I know they never get to enjoy the money they were earning before, since me and my sister were both in school. It' s now Payback time right? But I don't have enough, that's why I'm working extra harder right now. And what I'm really planning is to save up everything that I'm earning in Odesk until I have enough for house renovation because we're gonna be moving maybe by the end of this year. I'm planning to have Singapore "tour" hehe. I just want to go out of the country. Just a short short break then I'm gonna save up on something else, for my parents "luxuries". I am really praying to GOD, it won't take me years. :) The money that Im currently earning goes to all the bills we have to pay, monthly rentals, electricity, mortgage, etc.. ANd that is just a few of what I'm worrying about. What about the future? I'm worry freak, I know. But these are just my short term goals... I'm really hoping to get another project in Odesk. Something that I can do at my own time convenience, at least I can do it during the weekend.. I'm praying.

Guys, I f you want to try this just click on the banner ( you'll be my referral, lol, then click on "create an account" then there'll be three radio buttons there, if you are looking for a job, click on "freelance provider".

It took me awhile before I found this work-at-home job. I've been doing a lot of researches about stay at home jobs, most of them they will post jobs on the internet saying it's a stay-at-home kind of job, but once you applied you get this long email with all the instructions, including the amount you will have to pay for training and what not. Really? Do we really have to pay right away? My common sense told me that It was a scam. The hassle of investing money on the internet if there is not any Platform to protect you is that there is nothing that can guarantee you a refund if in case they didn't remain true with what they were offering you. I have a friend who tried paying $30.00 for a data entry job, but all she got was E-books, she said it was very Educational, but then she wasn't given any job. JUST E-BOOKS. And this particular company, or website promised a refund with in 30 days, but they didn't issue any refunds anymore. So who is at the losing end there. My friend said it's OK, but in Philippine Peso $30 is not OK, thats equivalent to about PHP1500, and that would mean probably 2 days worth of earnings of a person working somewhere in Makati. And 4 days worth of earnings of some working in a Provincial area. It is still a hard earned money to be lost that way. Too bad.