Sobriety is Exhausting

Pam Shows Her Bo-Hiney

2009-11-16T05:11:00.002-06:00

I showed my butt at a meeting last night. We have a member I'll call Mr. AssholePants and he and I got into a heated debate before the meeting about "meeting politics". I told him twice that I was not up for the conversation because my feelings were very tender right now and that I was starting to take all his comments personally. He just kept on. I did not know what to do so I got up (admittedly-kind of dramatically) and walked out. Several members followed me out side to remind me that he was an asshole and not to let his crap get to me. I felt embarrassed by walking out but I went back in sat thru the meeting and then had to sit thru (and lead) the group conscious afterward. Mr. AssholePants started his stuff again during the group conscious but I had prayed quite a bit during the meeting about my behavior and it all went well.

I can not be of maximum service to God if I start taking the behavior of alcoholics and addicts as personal affronts. It's not all about me even if it feels that it is. I am not comfortable with all these raw feelings. I have learned from experience that there is always joy in what God leads us through but we damn sure better be looking for it because it is not always evident in the beginning.

I shot my bow and arrow yesterday until my shoulder started hurting. It is a solitary activity that I love and it seems to rest my mind. I shoot with a re-curve bow, not a compound--if you're interested.

Pammie

Conversation With Estelle

2009-11-15T07:46:00.002-06:00

I spent an hour on the phone last night with Mothers best friend, Estelle. I wanted some reassurance about a few things and it was just like talking to Mama. She has always referred to Mama as the "baby girl" because she was the youngest in their posse of four-Estelle, Dixie, Sue and Mama.

I wanted to know if they thought the funeral was "good enough" if the flowers were "pretty enough" and so on. Estelle said that she and the girls had talked of nothing else all week except how beautiful Mothers funeral was. This settled something in my spirit that I had indeed fulfilled an obligation as a good daughter.

I told her our trouble of not knowing what to do with Mothers possessions and that it felt disrespectful to even remove one item of clothing from her closet. Estelle said "Pam, your Mother has no possessions at all. Do you think that she is sitting somewhere right now worrying about that navy blue jacket, or those cups and saucers on her buffet table?"

I needed permission from Mamas best friend to move forward and she gave it to me. What a blessing that phone call was. She added that I should get rid of that hideous painting in the living room that Dixie had given her since everyone knows that Dixie has absolutely no taste and they all had something ugly hanging in their house from her.

I think I need to be mindful that I am the "older woman" to a lot of young woman out there, and that I do indeed have the power at times to ease someones spirit with words of acceptance, encouragement and plain old Southern Wisdom.

Pammie

I Don't Know

2009-11-14T06:56:00.003-06:00

My Mother had her home phone number for 55 years. Ms. SoberPants is thinking that she doesn't really need that land line. I feel all kinds of odd panic about cancelling Mothers phone service. The same number for 55 years seems like some sort of achievement and should be honored in some way. I don't think this is really rational of me, but it seems so finale to lose that phone number.

Today is my once a month Area meeting way across town. Unless you live in a city as large as Houston, "way across town" may not mean much to you.

It seems amazing to me that everyone in the world looks different, even though we all have the basic mouth-nose-eyes combo.
How can there be so many different interpretations of right and wrong?
How do we go completely unconscious for 8 hours a day and really never talk about how crazy weird that is?

One of the odd changes in my life since Mama died is that I don't want to talk to people. I've always been a talker but lately I avoid phone calls and don't socialize with my co-workers at all. I have carried my purse with me to the prayer circle after every meeting this week in order to duck out the door before the mingling started. On the drive home I get calls wondering what happened to me after the meeting and I'm letting those calls go to voice mail. I don't feel like using the air to talk.......I have no idea what that is about.

Hey, I'm glad I just wrote that paragraph. It was like talk-typing, I don't see it as a red flag, but perhaps orange. A small warning that I am isolating.

This post is getting to long and I need to hit the shower.

Pammie

Friday Bullets

2009-11-13T05:24:00.002-06:00

Every other month on the 2nd Thursday, eight of us get together and discuss two traditions and two concepts. Last night was that meeting. It was on 4 & 5 and it lasted two hours and was invigorating.
My in laws are coming one week from today for a weekend visit. If you have any free time on your hands, please please come by my house this week and help me clean.
I'm pissed off that I could stay outside until 9:00pm last month and now it's dark at 6:30pm.
I dyed my hair a light brown. I don't know why, so don't ask me.
A bunch of my co-workers are going out tonight after work to a near by bar. They like to drink beer and talk. I never go because I don't like to drink beer and talk, I like to drink beer and dance, holler, drive fast, drive far, run to the ATM, find the dope man, go back to the bar, stir up some drama, run back to the ATM, find the dope man....etc.
It is time to hit the shower, do my prayer and meditation and go to work.
I'm grateful for my morning routine - blog/coffee - shower - pray/listen - earn a living.

Pammie

I Don't Know-Just Typing My Morning Thoughts

2009-11-12T05:38:00.003-06:00

I read a couple of very sad alanon blogs this morning. I wonder if alanons have a harder time dealing with repeated disappointment than the average person. If someone "slights" the alcoholic it turns into a huge festering resentment that causes all kinds of problems. I wonder if when someones life/choices/illness disappoints an alanon, if that doesn't fester into something huge as well. I'm not minimizing, just pondering. I am after all, on both sides of the fence.

I do know that when I was weeping for my children and feeling so sorry for them and the mess they had made of their lives, they were out having a really great time.

I do know that not one single "word" besides "love" EVER made a difference in their behavior.

I do know that if I give my son $1000. today to get out of a current jam, he will be in another one three months from now.

I have a good heart. A decent loving good heart and I always have, but when I was using I never gave my parents are children a single thought. My family's pain was always second to my addiction. I did not know that peoples lives and hearts were tangled up in mine.

I made my daughters addiction all about me. I tried hundreds of ways to "reach her" to "change her environment" to "change her meds" to change "heart". In the end she looked at me and softly said "Mama, this really isn't about you."

When my son turned 21 I decided to let him choose his own life's path whatever that may be. I wish I had been able to do this with my daughter because he is doing the same things she did but without all my pain mixed in the middle.

In the end, I believe we are all going to do exactly what we want to do. I believe this because it is basically the way everyone I know lives their life. I don't know a single person that says "I don't like my life but it's what my mama wanted."

As always, I could be completely wrong....k?

Pammie

My Train of Thoughts Have Jumped the Track

2009-11-11T04:57:00.004-06:00

I've noticed that I say things twice, sort of re-framing it in case my conversation partner did not quite get the impact of what I was saying the first time. That must annoy the hell out of people. I'm going to work on that.

Have you ever used the term muckity muck? "He's a big shot muckity muck in his company."

For some reason that term just makes me cringe. Let's never say that K?

Yesterday, I was suddenly struck dumb about whether or not there are any fat grams in a banana. I instinctively dialed Mamas' number to ask her because fat gram counts are her area of expertise. That was a little pin prick hurt.

You know the story of Jim on pg. 36 of our beautiful book? He's the one who poured whiskey into his milk. Anyway, he begins his story with "I came to work on Tuesday morning." Am I the only one who wants to know what happened on Monday? That always drives me crazy.

OK my fellow Bloggodelias I'm off to the shower and hopefully I can get a consistent train of thought going. I am thinking that this day could bring enormous amounts of joy if I just set out on the path of good will for my fellows and a heart centered in gratitude and service.

Pammie

Spirit of Thankfulness

2009-11-10T04:51:00.003-06:00

I was so exhausted after my first day back at work that I went to bed at 7:30 last night.

Note to self: When someones Mother dies, don't hang around in their office for 10 minutes talking because ten others have done that before you.

I don't know if I'm all "numby" inside or if I am simply riding on the spirit of thankfulness. One way or the other, my heart does not hurt. I'm really trying not to examine that too close and just be grateful that God has chosen to spread his loving balm of peace on my spirit.

Today I am grateful:

That my sobriety is not contingent on a painless life or sorrow-free days.
That a loving God scooped me up from the mire of addiction and cleaned me up.
That when the hospice nurses counted the deloted, methadone, morphine and lorazipam it all came out exactly on the money.
That returning to work yesterday was a return to work I love.
That I got to spend five days with my brother and his wife, who is more like a sister than an in law.
That even though there were a few uncomfortable people in the room, I provided my Mother with the Baptist preaching, Baptist singing funeral that she wanted.
That in the end, I was able to see the "woman" under all that Mama.

Pammie

Random Randomness

2009-11-09T05:19:00.002-06:00

Oh crap, I forgot that I wanted to take a nap this weekend. I want it now.
I have been off work for over a week. I'm kinda, sorta afraid to go in.
I am starting my diet today. Don't give me any crap about it either.
I went to my home group last night after being away for 2 weeks. It seemed like a sick group of drug addicts to me. Members of the group were walking out of the meeting after the prayer as if there weren't two people who shared about being new and not knowing what the hell they were supposed to do. I just wanted to holler "are you shittin' me? Go back and share some experience, strength and hope with those lost fools."
I'm dreading the day at work with people saying "so sorry to hear about your Mother Pam."
I'm thinking that in a few weeks I may post a few of her recipes. She did not have any for squid though (Mary and Syd). We consider squid as bait down here.
God has been so accustomed to sitting with me in Mama's house that he is probably dreading all the hub-bub at my office today as well.

Pammie

Sunday Morning

2009-11-08T07:07:00.002-06:00

Funny, I thought I would start writing today about the intensity of life leading to Mothers' passing but no, I'm just not ready to do all that yet.

I will tell you that Ms. SoberPants and Ms. FancyPants and I stood for 15 hours telling her it was OK to fly away...."take your wings and fly Mama." She did not. My brother and his wonderful wife made it in from North Carolina and he told her he was home and she could fly away. We all stood together at the bed.......and she did.

I made it to only one meeting during all this time and I did not hear a word that was being said. I just knew I needed to get back to Mother. I'm very anxious to make it to my 5:30 home group today. I was supposed to speak tomorrow night in a small town outside of Houston, but I have found someone to replace me, I'm just not up to that right now and I know I will be exhausted after my first day back to work.

How wonderful it has been to catch up on the lives of my blogger peeps. I have missed my little space in this community.

I wish to add a promise to our original 12, that it is absolutely a promise "that God could and would if he were sought." It has been so awesome to be carried through all of this by such a loving God.

Pammie

11 Days is a long ass time

2009-11-07T10:57:00.002-06:00

I'm finally back home after 11 days with Mama.

I will of course write about it all later. We buried Mama yesterday by my father and oh how odd it felt to walk away from both my parents as we left the cemetery.

It was an awesome, awful, wonderful, scary, beautiful 11 days.

I have also been off of work during this time as well and I have no idea what is going on in the world. I forgot how nice it can be for awhile to be away from TV, Computers and most modern conveniences.

I feel at peace in my spirit, but I already miss her.

I will sit down tomorrow and blog, but I wanted to tell all of you bloggeronians how grateful I have been for your kind words, many prayers and just plain ol' good thoughts going out into the universe for me and my family.

Oh and PS - Brother made it, clean, sober, and in appropriate clothes to the funeral. That did my heart good.

Quick Tuesday Night Post

2009-10-27T18:02:00.003-05:00

Hey, I'm at home packing a bag to go stay at Mothers for a few days.....just want to be with her now and Ms. SoberPants is exhausted.

No TV there or computer. This is a house of art projects, guitar playing and conversation.

I will post when I get back home......smoochie love - Pam

PS: God is every where, isn't that awesome?

Just Having Some Ouch These Days

2009-10-27T05:22:00.003-05:00

Not since infancy have I awakened every morning with thoughts of my Mother. She is on my mind constantly now and I am starting to resent that I don't have a trust fund set up somewhere that would allow me to leave my job and stay with her.

I have moments through out the day when I'm consumed with fear of the approaching life without her. Lots of people around me love her but I just want to scream "she's not your MAMA and you don't know how I feel!"

OK, got all that out. Over the weekend Mama told us (me and my daughters) to get "THE black dress" out of the back closet. She has kept this dress for....well I don't know how long, but it has always hung in a white bag in the back closet since before I was born. She only got to wear it once and she has always wanted one of us to go to a fancy party in it. It is a black velvet cocktail dress, sleeveless and beautifully cut. Ms. SoberPants is the only one of us who ever had a chance to fit into it, she is 105 lbs. It was hard to zip the back because it is so fitted down the sides but she looked like Grace Kelly in it. Someone would pay a mint for this vintage dress but of course we hung it back in it's old Sackowitz bag in the back closet.

I've been feeling so much love and understanding from my husband these last few weeks and I am so grateful that he is the one I come home to each night.

I'm trying to remember thorough all of this that I can not do all the talking with God. Sometimes when I am pouring out my feelings to him, I forget to pause and let him talk to me.

Pammie

Monday Morning

2009-10-26T04:40:00.004-05:00

I don't know why it is Monday again, yet it is.

The weekend held many emotional moments as my Mothers small house held me, my two daughters and Mother herself. No house on earth is equipped for four women.

I only made one meeting over the weekend but it was one more than I thought I would get.

My spirit feels kind of low but comfortable. It's odd how sobriety and living a life of simple principles can do that. I can be comfortable when everything isn't happy or safe. I can be at peace even when nothing around me is predictable. This is the fruit of seeking God and staying sober.

It's funny how a blog post is just a snapshot of what's going on. There are so many unseen events that lead to that final pose and really only the photographer knows what they were trying to capture.

Let's do Monday to the best of our ability, knowing that our best may fall short of others expectations but God knows our best and will set everything right in the end.

Pammie

Gratitude After All

2009-10-25T09:39:00.003-05:00

I'm just waking up and it is almost 10:00. I got home from Mothers at midnight and then stayed up for awhile. I need to hit the shower but I wanted to look over a few blogs this morning.

I don't have a 10 Best Moments post. I have pondered this for a few days but I can not for the life of me come up with 10 best moments. I don't remember "moments" I just don't. I thought of the typical "birth of my children" moments but quite frankly I was having an awful time in each of those marriages and they weren't really great moments. The years with each of the kids afterwards brought on lots of wonderful moments though.

I have spent most of my life trying to change one partner or another into someone I could be happy with.

Most of my early victories in life were at someone elses expense.

I think I may have spent most of my life trying to fit in, to be normal and I think most of my best moments were ill gotten.

Well shit. I'm just feeling battered this morning and I'm not a "blog post eraser". So there it is.

I need to go talk to God (obviously) and get my mind/body/spirit centered for another day.

I'm grateful for a power than can pull me out of "self" and back into the reality that life is indeed good and "best moments" are happening in every single common day.

Pammie

Saturday Morning

2009-10-24T07:58:00.002-05:00

A small fragile confused woman has taken over my Mothers body. I feel I have to guard her now but I'm not sure from who. The suffering has appeared now like the scary shadow in the corner when you turn the lights off. I never knew how inter-twined our spirits were until hers started this slow ripping away from mine.

I am mostly at work or her house now and I am coming home to sleep. I am reading every ones blogs from my desk at work in the mornings but it's hard to comment from there. I don't know how y'all are carrying on with life minus my unsolicited advice ;)

God is so "present" in every minute of my day, I need only to whisper my heart to him and he comforts me immediately. I am so grateful for this.

Pammie

Just a Few Things

2009-10-23T05:14:00.003-05:00

I have thought and talked about nothing but Mother and Ms. SoberPants for the last 48hrs. I have exhausted all avenues of "how can I fix" this latest pot hole in our journey. I will try to write about what is going on with Mother in another post but not this morning because it is starting to feel like "fretting". I do "fretting" at the world class level and I have learned that I have to put the brakes on fast when I see it coming.

I heard a radio person yesterday giving the weather forecast and they were about to do a segment on "rain fashion." I don't know why that pissed me off but it did. I wanted to do call in and say "please ladies.....if it's raining just cover up as best you can and hurry inside, not everyone is looking to make sure you are cute and fashionable while doing it."

I must catch up on my blog reading, I see y'all are having life stuff happening and I don't want to be left out. I mean damn, y'all might be needing my advice in a big way....hee hee

I am going into work early to decorate my office in a Halloween motif. I've never decorated anything for Halloween but I am trying to do something different just for the fun of it. The grief with my mother and decorating fun are on totally opposite ends of the emotional spectrum and when my inner pendulum gets going it sweeps all across the board, so in the this case I guess you could say I swing both ways.

Pammie

Grateful Wednesday

2009-10-21T05:12:00.002-05:00

This is my "camp at Mothers" while Ms. SoberPants gets a break night.

I am grateful:

Because I choose to be.
For undeserved mercy.
For every day gifts of the ordinary.
That I understand some of what Gods Will is for me today.
For the faith that enables me to follow it.
That I'm not a teenager.
That I can hug bitter people and not let the contact linger long enough for it to rub off on me.
That I live in Texas.
That I don't live with my 2nd husband.
For life with meaning that 12 step work gives me.

Enjoy your Wednesday. God is looking all over the planet today to find willing people to do some important work.........raise your hand, he'll see it.

Pammie

Times They are a Changin'

2009-10-20T05:15:00.001-05:00

My Mama knows all the Old Testament Bible stories and I mean ALL of them. She can also some how manage to weave a present day situation with a lesson from the Old Testament. I'm going to miss those. I never bothered to learn many of them since she would always be around to tell them. Yesterday, she could not remember which knob was the hot water on her faucet. The same faucet she has been turning off and on for the last 57 years she has been living in her house. The times.....they are a changin'.

I'm not sure that taking off work yesterday was worth the anxiety I'm feeling this morning about not being prepared. Missing even one day of work, puts me way behind. Oh well, it is what it is, so I will do my best and be satisfied with that. Taking the day off for no reason is highly over rated.

I found out that a good friend relapsed this past weekend. I've received a lot of "how could that be?" calls from sponsees. He is so loved in our area. Of course, it gave me the opportunity to talk about this powerful disease with a few sponsees that usually just want to talk about their jobs, husbands and weight issues. Seeking Gods' Will is a powerful place to be.

I know this disease well, but when I crawled into bed last night I could not help but whisper to my loving God "how could that be?" I'm anxious to see how God turns this situation around for all of us in our group to grow. It always happens.

Pammie

Monday at Home

2009-10-19T08:41:00.003-05:00

It is Monday and I am not at work. Damn, I just remembered that I did not put my out of office thing on my email.

I could have gone to work today and been fine with it. When I put in a request for a vacation day today, I felt I needed a three day weekend. As it turns out, I only needed the "mind set" of a three day weekend. I felt so free the past two days, knowing that I did not have to go to work today and that was all I needed....that free feeling. Going to work today would have been fine.

Looking for rusted metal pieces in parking lots and street corners is like going on a shopping spree without spending any money. I have reverted back to dumpster diving only I'm not hiding from the po po.

My husband and I set up a bale of hay with coke cans and shot our bow and arrows yesterday. It was fun and the weather was glorious.

If you are working today, please let me take this moment to say....SUCKER!

Sexual Conduct

2009-10-18T06:43:00.002-05:00

I am going to a 15th Anniversary breakfast and speaker meeting at one of my favorite groups this morning. I am really looking forward to it.

A few of the women in my home group are having these sex toy parties. No one would dare invite me. I have a long time (even pre-sobriety) standing "self rule" of not talking about sex with people. I believe that it is the most private human experience we have. Oh, occasionally something my slip out in a humours context, but I will not discuss my own personal sexual activity with anyone.

When I am hearing a 5th step, I try to treat my sponsee's sex inventory as a cleansing or wiping the slate clean. I want to emphasise to them the value God puts on their spirit. The value of the link between our heart and our body. The value of sex linked with love.

In the end of course, we will all do exactly what we want to do with our bodies but so many women come into the program (including me) using our bodies as a means to an end. We have no understanding of the value of self. I believe, that to do Gods Will, in the matter of our sex lives, that we must first place a high value on our sexual conduct and it will fall into line accordingly.

Pammie

Saturday Morning

2009-10-17T08:34:00.002-05:00

I stayed up until 2:00 am this morning, which makes for a 22 hour day. I could not stop messing with the metal pieces. I am in love.

Syd wrote a post about the 10 Best Moments in his life. The first thing that popped into my head was smoking crack. I know that it ripped my life to shreds, destroyed years between me and my children, did irreversible damage to my body, turned my soul for a while into the charred remains of a coal miners black lung. I know this. I know this. And still, that very first hit of crack was one of the best moments of my life. When something stays so embedded in your brain like that, you have to have a defense against it. Only God Almighty himself can keep me away from what my brain tells me was one of the Best Moments of my life.

I am grateful today to have Gods grace on my life.

Lo and Behold It's Friday Again

2009-10-16T05:11:00.004-05:00

I have put in a request to take Monday off. For me, Monday is not a good "take off" day but I know I need a three day weekend and I need it now. In my Industry, most of my customers work half days on Friday so I can get a lot done today.

I typed a text while driving yesterday and almost had a wreck. I am taking the "no texting while driving" pledge. I will never text and drive again. Not ever.

Last night, my husband and I drove to a couple of old machine shops that were closed, we put the headlights on hi-beam and walked through the parking lot looking for unique shaped rusted metal for my new metal collage making obsession. I guess he figures if he just goes along with me it will end sooner. I've not actually made anything yet. I'm still gathering (the best part).

I have a World Service Manual Workshop tomorrow afternoon about 30 miles north of Houston and a 15 year Anniversary Breakfast at one of my favorite groups on Sunday. Of course in between all of that is Mother, home and chores. So I think I'm going to have a weekend full of gratitude and service and love......what a great combination.

Smoochy love to all.

Pammie

Thursday Morning

2009-10-15T05:25:00.004-05:00

I could not sleep last night and when I would doze off I would awaken startled with weird dreams. I feel like a zombie this morning. Not the kind with baggy bandages but the kind with the blank stare.

Yesterday I did the whole "work for a living" thing and made it to Mothers to cook lunch for her and Ms. SoberPants who was still running a fever and unable to get out of the bed. After work I picked up a different medicine the doctor called in for her, cooked their supper, fetched meds and water then went to my speaker meeting. I'm so grateful that my work is close to their house and that I can be available when I'm needed.

The speaker was so awesomely inspiring.

I'm thinking that this morning is probably a good time to pull out some fancy scented soap for the shower. It might help perk me up a little. I'm feeling so sleepy and tired. I'm hoping that as life comes at me today, I don't jump up and bitch slap it.

I use to have a specific combination of drugs to "perk me up" and then of course enough alcohol at night to smooth it all away and then more alcohol to pass out. It seemed so logical at the time and then it became necessary.

I'm grateful for a loving God and fellowship who showed me another way to do this "life thing."

Pammie

Randomnessola

2009-10-14T05:14:00.003-05:00

I accidentally took over an informal meeting that my boss was holding yesterday because it was moving along too slow. I was ten minutes into "the next item on our agenda", before I realized what I was doing.
Ms. SoberPants is on day 5 of this damn fever.
Tonight is speaker night at my home group. I bring the speakers in and I really want to hear this guy so I hope everything is smooth enough at Mothers, home and work for me to go.
Theo had diarrhea in the entry hall during the night. Great Dane diarrhea will wake your ass up fast when you come down the stairs at 5:00 am. The first thing I thought of was "damn, some cows must have been in the house."
I'm grateful for another day, another chance.
Lovin' my blogger peeps.

Pammie

I'm On That Mid-Evil Stretchin' Rack Thing

2009-10-13T04:51:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was an amazing day of practicing drawing near to God. My task seemed to be to keep anxiety at bay while maintaining my serenity. I had to call on God continually and he never missed a beat.

Everything at work was urgent, rush, emergency. I'm OK with that mode, just leave me alone and let me do my job. Ms. SoberPants called though and she sounded horrible. She had 102 fever, and could not help Mother at all and needed me to form an action plan urgently. I called the clinic near by, and made her an 11:00 appointment. I will somehow take a 2 hour lunch and deal with whatever needs to be done with Mother. I immediately decide that she has the killer flu, mother will catch it and die quickly, Ms SoberPants will blame herself, causing her to go back out and drink.

Whoa there Nelly! Back up, go to God, get back in the day, back in the moment, slow your roll girl.

Ms. SoberPants calls at 11:00, she fell asleep, too sick to move, missed her appointment. People are standing in my office saying the words "imperative that this is done NOW."

I call the clinic back, boyfriend comes and gets her takes her to the doctor, flu test is negative, bad sinus infection, bronchitis.

I go to Mothers for a few hours in the middle of the day, she is sleeping and does not want to get up or do anything but sleep. Ms. SoberPants is sleeping as well.

I left work at 4:30 and had to walk thru ankle deep water in the parking lot thru the pouring rain and it felt damn good. I went to the pharmacy and got Ms. SoberPants medicines and headed to Mothers. They were both up, and I totally enjoyed cooking for them and handing out meds. and playing nurse/mama. I made them Ms. SoberPants' favorite comfort food, scrambled eggs with mayonnaise and dried parsley. I made their beds and cleaned the kitchen. Mother did not want me to leave and that is very unusual.

They both need me back there this morning at 9:00am for the Hospice Nurse visit. I have an urgent, imperative, emergency meeting at 9:00am at work.

God will work everything out today just like he did yesterday. This is not forever, this is just today. I took all my worries to God yesterday and we walked thru it hour by hour together, with a gentle spirit, loving heart, patience and strength. How awesome is that?