Queen of the Mayhem

Things I Learned While Packing for Vacation

2009-11-27T14:10:00.002-08:00

We leave early tomorrow morning for a weeklong adventure in Disneyworld. While I am terribly excited about this trip, I can honestly say this is the most unprepared I have ever been for a vacation. The everday rat-race existence of our life has deemed it next to impossible to put hardcore planning into this excursion. So....as I began really packing.....TODAY.....I realized a few things about myself, my family, and life in general!

Things I Learned:

1. My kids do not have that many pairs of underwear.
They were uniforms to school each day. The each have 5 sets of uniforms. That puts me washing every weekend. Therefore.........their woeful lack of undergarments did not become apparent until I started packing (TODAY). Nothing like running to Wal-Mart with the rest of humanity on BLACK FRIDAY!!!!!!!!

2. My wardrobe sucks.
This one is self explanatory. I need new clothes. Of course....I need to lose some LBs so said clothes do not have to constructed by Omar the Tentmaker! Well....maybe it is not that bad....but it's time for some action. (Who thinks that is going to happen both on vacation and during the holidays? Yeah......there's always the new year resolution!)

3. I hate tennis shoes.
Since we will be walking 50 bazillion miles over the next week, I am having to center my clothing choices (see #2) around my Adidas shoes. I hate them! They are comfortable....but my size 10 feet look like a set of skis sticking out from the bottom of my legs. Nothing says sexy like a gal with GIGANTIC feet!

4. We are addicted to junk food.
The amount of cr*p we are bringing would feed an entire third world country for a week! This will not help in my quest to keep Omar at bay!

5. The Princess needs better luggage.
The Vera Bradley nonsense I was suckered into buying looks nice...and all....but there is ONE pocket in the whole bag. That is not nearly enough to separate all the nonsense she needs for an entire week on the road.

6. 11 hours in the car with Junior Mayhem scares me.
This is a LOT of time in a CONFINED area with a very active, verbal, and impatient child. Pray for us!

7. Carrying cash freaks me out...completely!
We are bringing an abundance of cash and I can't seem to get the vision of me losing it all out of my mind. Of course, we will have our bank and credit cards too......BUT STILL! This is why I never carry cash!

8. We will probably need alcohol to survive this week.
That is why I packed some.

I am sure we will have a fabulous time. It's our family and my mom attending....so there should never be a dull moment! See you in a little over a week!

Things I Learned While Packing for Vacation

2009-11-27T14:10:00.001-08:00

Things I Learned While Packing for Vacation

2009-11-27T14:10:00.000-08:00

An Attitude of Gratitude

2009-11-22T04:57:00.000-08:00

Hey.......remember me? I won't even insult any of our intelligences with false promises of posting more often....but I will say....I've missed my blog.....and the comments.....and the people whose blogs I regularly read. Maybe......just maybe.....I will eke out more time for the blog! We'll see!

I thought I would end my self induced hiatus with a post about Junior Mayhem. He is in first grade this year and his hijinks in the first semester alone could fill this site with posts for months. I will share more of them later, but.....in honor of Thanksgiving....I thought I would share the main things for which JM is thankful. In class they created "Thankful Turkeys" Below is the transcript of JM's thankfulness:

" I am thankful for mi familie my father, my mom, my Me Me, D-Dad, Nana, God, my sister, Jeuses, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Barak Obama, George Bush, Papa"

JM's Papa passed away two years ago. I am not sure what would have bothered him more....the fact that Barack Obama made the list......or that he ranked BEFORE him! LOL!

Oh......and I am just happy to make the list. This boy is ALL ABOUT his daddy and Momma often gets left by the wayside (bitter much?).......but I am not sure if I should feel proud of horrified that I ranked before God and Jesus!

So....when you all sit down to your turkey dinners........keep in mind your need for gratitude to Washington, Lincoln, Obama, and Bush!

Happy Thanksgiving

Six Years of Mayhem.....Junior, That Is!

2009-09-12T03:42:00.000-07:00

It's hard to imagine that.....six years ago...yesterday....we had such a calm, quiet, and serene lifestyle. Being the parents of one, highly compliant daughter, we thought we had this parenting thing down to a science!

Then, six years ago TODAY...everything changed. My precious little man decided to join the world. Little might not be the appropriate term, as he weighed in at 10 lbs 4 oz....and was born a week early!

Though life is not nearly as quiet or peaceful, I could not imagine it any other way!

Happy birthday......JM......I love you more than I can express....and I JUST KNOW this strong personality of yours is going to serve you well, one day.......and when you have kids.....well, then justice will finally be served! LOL!

I thought I would celebrate the big day by sharing the latest in the ongoing JM soap opera that is first grade:

I teach at the school JM attends. This is both a blessing and a curse. On the plus side, it allows me the opportunity to keep tabs on him and his behavior. On the minus side, it forces me to deal with him and his behavior! This conversation went down last week at school:

Teacher: "Queen.....I think Big Cheese (principal.....a good friend of mine) and Medium Cheese ( assistant principal....also a friend of mine) are looking for you."

Me: "This can't be good!"

I see BC and MC striding towards me in the cafeteria...both with very strange expressions on their administrative faces.

BC: "Hey, you got a minute?"

Me: "Maybe........"

BC: " It would seem that your son felt the need to pee on the playground.....during recess."

( At this point both BC and MC bust out into hysterical laughter....as I plotted my impending move to North Dakota.)

You see.......JM has a love for all things outdoor urinating. Around here we refer to it as "adventure tee-teeing". It was a handy tool during potty training and has gotten us out of many a travel, side of the road pee, jam......but now........now it is coming back to haunt me!

Needless to say, he was brought to the principal's office......as many elementary schools frown on the flashing of genitals in public places....GO FIGURE!

BC: " I asked him, what in the world was he thinking?! To which, he looked at me as though I was crazy and said, I had to pee!" ( Cue more laughter!)

Of course, JM got the last laugh as he lost his recesses for the next two days and spent them sitting in the office talking nonstop to both BC and MC!

Oh......and just in case you haven't gotten enough bathroom talk:

One of the first grade teachers stopped me to tell me a funny story about JM this week. It would seem that she had the privilege of bathroom duty. She walks in to take her post, ever vigilant for the poor aimed or purposely aimed pee-er. ( For some reason the little ones have a tendency to pee on each other. Yeah....I don't get it either....boys are gross.....but I digress!)

There stands JM in all his hiney-shining greatness, pants AND underwear around his ankles, peeing in the urinal, AND.....eating fruit snacks!

Eating WHILE peeing!!!!! Yeah...that's sanitary!

Happy birthday you gross, gross, GROSS little man!

Open Letter to Wii Fit

2009-08-27T14:48:00.000-07:00

Dear WF,
I know it has been a while since we last interacted, but there are a few things bothering me....and I fear we will never again be close if I don't get them off my chest.

First of all, my absence has not been totally my fault. I simply cannot be held accountable for the fact that your Mother Machine....the Wii itself......holds an allure that my son simply cannot resist. Finding a time when I can drag him away from Super Smash Brothers is extremely difficult. And....let's be honest here........the precious moments of silence I gain from his infatuation with you are ALMOST worth the extra LBs that I am rocking these days...........ALMOST!

Second of all, I do not appreciate you aging me far beyond my years. Is it my fault I have all the grace of a waddling duck? The audacity of you.....judging me.....simply because I have no balance! Don't even get me started on your smartass little comments! "Do you bump into things when you walk?" Seriously...how is this helpful? For YOUR information I don't bump into things......ALL the time!

Finally, I feel compelled to speak out against your most egregious offense! What in the HADES is the deal with making my Mii look like a beached whale?! Isn't it bad enough that you weigh AND calculate my BMI? Is it necessary to announce to God and CREATION, "Oh...that's overweight!" I know that's overweight.....THANK YOU VERY MUCH! Why else is my fat arse stomping and sweating on you?! While I must admit the password lock feature is a bonus....what is the use when any player can simply turn on the game and check out my Mii.....just chilling....large and in charge! Would it have killed you to make the announcement and leave the poor gal alone? That answer is a resounding NO.......no..it would not hurt....at all! I feel pretty certain you are not marketing yourself for the supermodels....so the big girls would appreciate some respect and consideration!

I am hoping to rekindle our affair. I can't help loving you. You're so compact. You're always happy to see me.....even IF I messed up the time on you and you ALWAYS think it is 4AM when it is 4 in the afternoon. I can accept you.......even with your faults! All I am asking is LEAVE the Mii alone....and nobody gets hurt!!!!!!!!

If you could fix these minor issues, I would be most obliged.

Your chubby pal,

Mayhem Tidbits

2009-08-23T06:05:00.000-07:00

Hello? Is anyone out there? Missed me?

I'm still recovering from "blog rehab".......but I think I may be on the upside of my posting funk.

So much craziness has been happening over the last few months, I thought I would share a few of the snip its I have heard that have both amused and horrified me:

The Princess:

TP entered sixth grade this year. This alone has sent me into a seemingly endless cavern of worry and sadness. However, she is loving her new environment......so.....I suppose......I will survive this major change. This change has come with many unexpected....and some humorous encounters.

1. While at sixth grade open house, I commented to some of the other parents about how strange the experience was. Keep in mind, TP has always gone to the school where I teach. I have had complete control over almost all of her activities from kindergarten to fifth grade. One friend of mine, whose child I had also taught, replied, "Wait........you don't have any control over her schedule.....and you don't really know what's going on? Yeah....welcome to OUR world!" To which I indignantly replied, "I DO NOT LIKE your world.....and would like to kindly return to my own!!!!!"

I am.........GASP.........just a parent..........at this school. What a terrifying new world for me! LOL!

2. While sitting in the car, TP was telling me about something on her cell phone (YES...she has one....the reason why she does.....is the material for another post) and she added, "It's got this and that....YADA, YADA, YADA"

At this point, Mr. Mayhem and I promptly gave each other a WTH? look. While she has seen some Seinfeld episodes with her father......I feel certain we did NOT let her watch that one!

3. I have taken to make her "swear" to certain things before she leaves the house each day. It's kind of a funny way of making the point of my expectations for her behavior choices. It goes something like........"No taking or selling drugs, no alchohol, no stealing cars..........yada, yada, yada.."

One day.....I thought I'd be cute and I threw in......"No kissing boys".......She went...."No kissing........WAIT A MINUTE! I will NOT agree to that one!"

4. Did I mention I kissed my first boy at 12 years old and she will be 11 NEXT MONTH?!?! (Reaches for XANAX)

5. Just so you know.......the deep south is the new valley......as the conversation I had with TP and her friend the other day contained more uses of the word "like" as a speaking pause than the original 1980's movie!!!

Junior Mayhem

JM is rocking first grade and managing to stay (mostly) out of trouble. His teachers tell me his constant urge to share all our family's business (both real and fabricated) is highly entertaining for them!

1. When asked by his teacher of his future career plans, JM replied, "I want to be a golfer man....like my daddy....he is the best golfer man in the world!" (Who knew insurance agent was the new Tiger Woods? You learn something new EVERYDAY!)

2. The other day, in the car, I was highly amused to hear my 5 year old son singing, "Those chickens jacking my style" a' la Black Eyed Peas on the radio. Yeah......we listen to top 40 music.....I'm "Mother of the Year" like that! He's also a huge fan of "Fire burning on the Dance Floor" and feels compelled to remind me that....."Pop it, lock it, drop it....that birthday cake..." is my favorite part....as I mistakenly told him.....after he wore me down with the 500 questions before it.

So.......that line is uttered.....maybe 15 times in the song......and, just like clockwork.....he utters, "Momma......did you hear it? That was your favorite part".......15 F'ing times..... EVERY time we listen to the song!

3. It's difficult being almost six years old, dealing with the enormous stress of first grade, with only an older sister in your life. So much so that JM announced, "I don't have ANY brothers! I need a brother. I need a brother so I can name him Jack AND Jack will not touch any of my stuff." Then he gave me one of those.....YOU make it happen......gazes. Um....in a word......NO!

4. JM's imagination is running wild these days.....and I love being able to catch him playing with his superheros. If he doesn't realize your listening....the dialogue you can hear is hilarious. Last night I heard him talking in his room. I stood outside, trying to catch on to the discussion. Foolishly, I made a warning noise....and he looked over to see me standing there. Aware that I had heard him talking....he quickly deduced a plan to cover his tracks. He looked me dead in the eyes and declared, "I was talking to my mind!"

5. While on the way to my mother's house, JM was busy hatching up a plan to convince us to let him spend the night. He asked, "So.....where am I going to stay tonight?" Wise to the game, I responded, "At your house." Indignant....he gasped, 'Well....that is inappropriate!"

Good times!

A Recipe for Disaster

2009-07-09T05:54:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought you were rid of me forever........after months of silence.......an affair with Facebook that I still can't seem to shake.......and the general business of life.........I'M BAAAAACK!

Of course, I am back to share another story of woe in the kingdom of Mayhem....because I know all the readers that have probably LONG since given up on me LOVE to hear me whine!

We recently returned from a family vacation to the beach. While this sounds exciting enough, what with the sand, sun, and fun, it was actually a RECIPE FOR DISASTER!

Ingredients:
1 set of grandparents
1 family Mayhem
1 sister/brother-in-law equipped with newborn baby
1 mediocre condo
OH.....and the MOST important ingredient of ALL..........one raging case of the stomach flu

Directions:
1. Set all unknowing parties on a doomed pilgrimage to beach. Marinate sister and brother-in-law in stomach flu earlier in the week, but allow them to feel better the day of trip.....just so they can think they have recovered.

2. Throw in a dash of newborn baby......one that never got sick.....but obviously became a carrier of the dreaded bug.

3. Have all 9 participants arrive at beach condo, only to find it less than stellar....with older furniture and SMALL accommodations.

4. Just for good measure, throw in a refrigerator and freezer that quits working.....so the majority of the food they purchase can have a chance to spoil.

5. On the one afternoon that EVERYONE actually feels well, pour in one teaspoon of curious five year old. You know.......the type that sees fit to dial 911 on the phone in the bedroom that you didn't even know was there.

6. Be sure to leave out answering the condo phone as you know no-one would be calling you on it and it is probably just a telemarketer. (It couldn't possibly be the police checking on numerous 911 call/hang ups!)

7. Add a heaping cup of police officer when they show up at the door of said condo to see if there is a problem.

8. Drizzle in an enormous helping of embarrassment as you profusely apologize for keeping him from helping people in REAL trouble! (OPTIONAL: Grate in a small portion of your "Mother of the Year" trophy.....because you sent 5 year old into bedroom, closed door, and told him to entertain himself with toys and TV so you could relax and drink a cocktail.)

9. Next, fold in multiple cases of the stomach flu. Add these in slowly.....so it can last throughout the duration of the trip.

10. If mixture becomes too thick, you can remove 1 set of grandparents who left a day early....so my father could escape the SICK.

11. Finally, sprinkle an inability to see fireworks on the fourth and two upset children about that fact and season to taste.

There you have it..........a recipe for disaster.......AND the worst trip I have ever taken in my life!!!

At least we are all feeling better.....now that we're HOME!

Simply CRAPTASTIC!

2009-05-22T20:25:00.000-07:00

Let me go through the past 24 hours....here in the Mayhem.

1. Last night I started to realize that my left elbow was a little tender. I have a small scratch on it, so I was slightly concerned.....but figured I must have hit it on something and not remembered. (CRAZIER things have happened). By this morning I knew something was really wrong. It was red, swollen, hot to the touch, and getting bigger by the hour. OF COURSE...I couldn't get an appointment at my doctor's office for today, so I went to the Urgent Care Clinic. By then, my elbow was freakishly huge and killing me. Wouldn't you JUST know that I have a staph infection in the joint of my elbow? I got a huge shot, two different meds, and get to go back to the doctor tomorrow. There is actually a pen mark around my elbow...so they can measure tomorrow to see if it has grown. As it stands....she made noises about sending me to the ER! Beginning of summer vacation: FAIL!

2. My kids are with my mom tonight and tomorrow so we can move my MIL into her new house. It is supposed to rain until next Tuesday. We looked like drowned rats after trying to move some stuff tonight. Correction: I looked like a drowned rat with a freakishly large elbow. NICE. Good deed for a family member: FAIL!

3. My mom agreed to take my daughter to a birthday party tonight. It was just down the street from her neighborhood. This was the first party in public I have let her attend without me. My mom was supposed to pick her up at 9:30. She called me at 9:42 to tell me she couldn't find her. SHE COULD NOT FIND MY CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I immediately start frantically calling other parents (you know.....the good ones.....the ones who WENT with their children) in a desperate search. I was hysterical.......my husband was jumping in his truck to head to the place......and I called back to hear my mom had found her. My hands were shaking so violently that I had to give the phone to MM. I then proceeded to shake and cry for the next 20 minutes. If this is a prelude to giving her more freedom.....you can FORGET it!
Parenting: FAIL!

Simply craptastic.

Taking a Bite Out of the Big Apple

2009-05-18T16:14:00.000-07:00

So....it's been a month already? I can't believe I've been gone so long! Actually....if you had any idea of what this past month has been like (oh....and anyone who chases kids around to different activities DOES) you would definitely believe it!

Our trip was amazing! New York City is a fantastically interesting city. Our hotel was beautiful. The food was delicious! The architecture was unbelievable! It was easily one of the best trips I have ever taken!

Four more days of school. 4 MORE DAYS UNTIL FREEDOM! (1 more week of soft and teeball!)

Then....I'll be back with pics and detailed descriptions. See you in a week!

NYC or Bust!

2009-04-19T16:31:00.000-07:00

Mr. Mayhem and I are headed for New York City on Friday. I cannot begin to put into words how excited we are about the trip!

We will be staying at the Waldorf Astoria.

We will have 6 nights without kiddos. I have NEVER been away from my kids for that long!

I am REALLY excited about it!

We need recommendations for restaurants and sites to see!

Did I mention I was excited?

For the Love of Foliage

2009-04-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

The stories about Junior Mayhem abound here. There is never a shortage of crazy things that either escape his mouth, or are performed by him on a daily basis.

So....yesterday should have come as NO surprise to me.

It started out simple enough. I accompanied my VERY PREGNANT sister to the doctor. (We'll be meeting my new nephew next Tuesday.....BTW)

My mother watched the kids while we went to the appointment. Afterwards, we all agreed to go to lunch together.

On the way out of my mother's house, JM found a leaf that struck his fancy. Somehow he managed to get it into the car without any of our knowledge.

It wasn't until we were entering the restaurant that I noticed it in his grubby little hand. I don't need to tell you that convincing (read: THREATENING) him to drop the leaf outside was no small feat.

"Someone is going to take my leaf......they won't know it is mine.....and they will take it home with them!"....he implored.....to no avail.

It was then that I flippantly replied, "Don't worry about that leaf....it's filthy!"

Right then and there.....JM's love affair with "Filthy Leaf" began.

When we were exiting the restaurant, he announced, "I have to find my filthy leaf......I hope nobody took it!"

Surprisingly enough, the instances of filthy leaf theft have been on a decline in this part of town.....so there it laid....in all it's filthy glory....just waiting to be snatched up by one overzealous five year old.

Filthy leaf accompanied us to the movies, where it was given the seat of honor near JM. It accompanied us to the restroom at said movies.......you remember our earlier run in with possible FL thieves. It accompanied us to our home, seated right next to JM....where he could keep a close eye on it....at all times.

The one time I accidentally crunched a small part of FL........was met with less than approval.

It wasn't until JM went to bed that I was forced to send FL to meet its maker.

If only.....poor, pitiful JM had ANY toys to play with.....he wouldn't be forced to play with filthy foliage!

Easter Top Three

2009-04-11T14:52:00.001-07:00

We like to consider ourselves a christian family....here at the chaos that IS the Castle of Mayhem.

We attend church regularly. We all own bibles. (Try to contain your enthusiasm.) We go to Sunday School. We try to remember to pray before we eat our meals.

We are obviously not applying for any sainthood positions, but I thought Mr. Mayhem and I were doing a decent job of raising our kids with a strong faith.

That is....until we had three experiences that led me to believe we are FAR from where we need to be.

SO.....I give you:

The Top Three Reasons I know The Family Mayhem may have some Christianity Issues

1. When we were speaking to The Princess about Easter, she exclaimed, "Easter is on a Sunday? I thought the day changed every year!" Yeah...the DATE changes....but somehow.....Albert Einstein missed the fact that it ALWAYS occurs on a Sunday!

2. While dying Easter eggs last night, Junior Mayhem was going to town writing on his egg with the magic crayon.....you know, the one that does not show up until after the dye is on. We waited with baited breath to see the creative masterpiece that would soon be shared with all of us.......only to see he had written, "Fat Princess" on his egg. It was an obvious show of LOVE for his older sister. (Who is MOST CERTAINLY NOT fat.....I might add!)

3. Finally, Junior Mayhem put the last nail in our coffin when he shared this lovely gem of knowledge. We were discussing why we celebrate Easter. I had already had this discussion with him earlier and was giving him an oral pop quiz of sorts.....My question went like this:

"Jesus died for our sins on the _______________?" To which he replied, "earth?"

I'm pretty sure we'll be getting our own praise show soon.

Happy Easter.

Let us not forget that He died on the EARTH for our sins! :)

We Now Return to Our Regularly Scheduled Whine Fest!

2009-04-07T15:03:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't been around as much....of late. My life consists of work, running errands, ball practice, theater practice.........and other nonsense!

Just because I had a craptastic day....I thought I'd share some things that are royally pissing me off...right now....because....that's what I do.

I give you..........the return of.........WHY the *#$@#&&^@%! (insert your favorite profanity here):

WHY THE *&&^%$##%@*(@

1. Can my son not seem to stay off the color red at school? Seriously.......he spit on one of the other students the other day. You know....nothing says good upbringing quite like a large loogy shared with a dear friend!

2. Do we have high stakes testing? My students just finished a test that will determine whether they advance to the next grade and the Einsteins that they are......some felt compelled to answer, "I don't know"....or "TOTAL GUESS" on some constructed response questions. WTF.....people BS their way through LIFE....but nobody admits they are full of nonsense!!!!!!!!!!

3. Can my husband not seem to listen to me when I talk? I have a lot....and I do mean....A LOT of important things to say.....when he unmutes the TV while I am in the middle of speaking...it makes me feel a little stabby!

4. Is Blogher ads sending me messages about not posting? I mean.....really.......it's not like I'm Dooce......I'm not raking in $40K each month in advertising.......let's be real.........I'm not sure I have gotten anything for allowing them to advertise on my blog. So, let me get this straight....you're concerned that you might not get a return on your investment of NOTHING....so you need to temporarily stop the ads on my site? OOOH.......I am concerned I won't be able to make the mortgage this month without the added bonus of the NOTHING I get for you running your ads! I don't need another person reminding of something else I haven't done!!!!! (Seriously......$40K a MONTH? WTH am I doing in the classroom?!?)

5. If my daughter is top of her class........at the top of every standardized test in the state......... WHY, OH WHY....can she not remember the smallest of things I ask her to do? Seriously....is brushing your teeth, washing your face, and SHOWERING without being asked TOO MUCH?! I think not!

See.....it's all puppy dogs and rainbows around here.........missed me?

Helpful Hints from Junior Mayhem

2009-03-16T15:39:00.000-07:00

As most parents know, there is no such thing as "TMI" when it comes to kids.

So, I don't know why I was surprised when JM shared this helpful hint with me.

Today, as we were heading home, I decided to share my intense need to use the facilities with my children.

Yeah....I'm cool like that.

My comments ranged from, "Man! I really need to tee-tee!" to " I very well may have an accident before we make it home!" Classy Lady....your name is Queen.

It was then that JM felt the inclination to share his words of wisdom with me.

"When I need to tee-tee, I just grab onto my pee-pee and hold it." (Yeah...we say pee-pee at the Mayhem....as the word penis would cause me to fall over in fits of hysterical laughter each time I uttered it.)

Undoubtedly, he became annoyed when I did not heed his advice and announced again of my desire to go.

"JUST HOLD YOUR PEE-PEE, I SAID!"

To which I calmly informed him that I was not in possession of aforementioned pee-pee.

He thought for a minute and replied, "Well, just hold your booty then!"

There you go.......problem solved!

Overheard Tidbits

2009-03-04T14:16:00.000-08:00

I've been kicking around a few posts in my mind recently....but have lacked the desire to actually sit down and write them. (Can we say LAZY?)

But I have overheard a few things that I found amusing, so I thought I would share them with you:

1. Not only am I a teacher, but I am the sponsor of a service club at our school. This club has grown very large this year and it is a lot of work to keep it running smoothly. (Did I mention that we ALWAYS win first place.....in the entire parish? No....oh well, never mind then!) Anyway, my students are used to me having to take care of different things and people coming in and out of my room for various needs. One day one of my students asked if I got paid extra for being in charge of this club. I told her that I didn't, but I thought that was a great idea. This morning in the office she was talking to our assistant principal and busts out with, "I told Mrs. Queen she should get paid extra for being in charge of the club. That stuff runs her CRAZY! If you do all this extra work and you don't get paid for it......well, that's just messed up!"

Yeah....that child is getting an A++++ from me! :)

2. Anyone who has read this blog for long, knows that I am easily amused. I have an extremely INFANTILE sense of humor. I choose to blame it on working with kids for so long. Yeah...that's the reason! The other day I was reminding my students that if they read a certain amount of books (we use the AR program) they would win the privilege of wearing pajamas to school.

One of my smartypants little boys asked, "What if we sleep in a t-shirt and underwear? Can we come in that?"

To which I replied, "EWWWWW....never, ever say underwear to me....EVER again!" Of course, because I am so completely hilarious, the class fell out laughing. This got me thinking about underwear. (Scary.....I know!)

Then.....I decided to add in a helpful hint for all my students to use for torture of their fathers. (Don't you wish your child was in my class?) I told them that if they wanted to drive their fathers crazy.....call their underwear, "panties".

After we all composed ourselves, we all vowed never to speak of undergarments again...and moved on to learning.

3. I also temporarily lost my composure when we were having a discussion about some vocabulary words. One of our words was "dolphin" and I was trying to get them to understand the difference between this animal and other fish.

Of course, we discussed how they were mammals, and how they had to breath air......which got me thinking (that always gets me in trouble). I then started giggling to myself, because I was thinking that they breathe through a blowhole. For some reason, this word is funny to me.

Once I explained this to the class, they were DESPERATE to use that word as much as was humanly possible.

*So now the words underwear AND blowhole are banned from my classroom! ( The really sad thing is....I am giggling right now.....just thinking of the word!)

4. While we're on the subject, nothing tops what a friend of mine once did while teaching social studies. She was sharing this amazing lesson on NASA and the kids were so incredibly into it, they hung on her every word. Then, while showing a model of the shuttle, she referred to it as the "Space Shittle". The kids stared at her with their mouths hung open in shock....as she desperately tried to right her wrong. By this time she was so flustered that she said AGAIN. She quickly ended the lesson and her slip up would go on to live in infamy!

Don't even get me started on another friend who, while giving a presentation in front of a room full of professionals in her graduate class, misspoke on the word...."flicker"!

5. Junior Mayhem is a precocious young boy and apt to find himself in trouble on a regular basis. So....he could not have been happier when I accidentally lost one of my balloons while walking them through the parking lot. He spent the next 15 minutes lecturing me on how I should have held them and what I needed to do the next time to ensure no balloons sailed off into the sunset. At the end of my extensive talking to, he felt compelled to add...."Now......if you don't listen to me, I will lose my patience with you!"

Seriously....do you think the boy has heard that a time or twenty?

So...there you have....nonsense as usual! Hope your week is going well!

Murphy's Law

2009-02-25T16:27:00.000-08:00

It would seem that I am living my life in a state of perpetual Murphy's Law. If it can happen, it is going to.....at the most inopportune times! Here are some examples that I have noticed in my everyday existence:

1. It doesn't matter if I have spoken to her 200 times in the past 60 seconds, or I haven't seen her emerge from her room in over an hour......if I start to undress....The Princess is going to barge in my room.

2. Junior Mayhem is going to find himself on red at school the day I feel the LEAST like playing prison warden all night.

3. Both of my kids might be completely silent for 5 minutes, in the car, (YEAH....that really doesn't happen often) but the MINUTE a song I want to hear is on....TP needs to tell me her life story!

4. The volume of my children's playing rises exponentially when either American Idol or Dancing with the Stars is on the television. Usually Mr. Mayhem adds to the fray at just the right time for me to miss something I am really trying to watch. (Thank goodness for DVR!)

5. My husband.....the same one who has had no need of my presence for the entire evening....will need to tell me something DESPERATELY when I am either on the computer or the telephone.

6. That same husband always seems to hover when I am doing the "clothes dance". You know the one......Does this fit? (step, hop, jump)........Does this make my behind look big? (shake, shake, shake).....This will NEVER do! (stomp, stomp, stomp) This is the EXACT time when I desire to be alone MORE than any other (outside of restroom time). Usually....it ends with me screaming, "I need some privacy!" No....it doesn't work....but I feel compelled to say it anyway!

7. Normally, I wake up early out of habit. Don't get me wrong....I don't want to do it....but I have been doing it for SO long....I just naturally awaken. But you can bet.....the one morning I don't have to get up......the one morning I am completely exhausted beyond all recognition......that is going to be the morning MM forgets to unset the alarm!

AND FINALLY.....

8. If JM crawls in bed with us, in the middle of the night, (he is going through a scared phase) he will kick both of us with laser like precision.....RIGHT where the sun don't shine! Nothing riles a sleeper like an unwelcome foot in the area that exists for EXIT ONLY!!!!!! (You try to go back to sleep after being violated like that!!!!!)

So....what's your example of Murphy's Law?

Okay....so Maybe I Obsess........

2009-02-16T17:06:00.000-08:00

My husband loves to joke that I am "perpetually 16". Maybe it's my deep seated love of all things Pop. Maybe it's the fact that I secretly long to wear body glitter. Or maybe it is because I am completely and hopelessly addicted to the Twilight books.

I had not even heard of the series before the hype of the movie began. My sister turned me on to them and I reluctantly agreed to begin. It wasn't long before I was completely engrossed and ALL life as I know.....came to an abrupt halt. It's a special kind of mom that agrees to sacrifice most of the quality time with her children (and sleep) for the love of a fictional vampire.

But.......seriously.........Edward......are you kidding me? I LOVE him!

Not that Mr. Mayhem can really complain. There is little that can compare to the aphrodisiac that is these books. AND don't even get me started about the movie!

Now that I am have finished the entire series for the SECOND time....I have to ask myself.....what now?

Do I return to my normal, pre-Edward life?

Do I go through my days working, taking care of my kids, and staring into the NOT SO amber eyes of my husband? (Actually...his eyes are green and quite lovely.....BUT STILL!!!!)

Did I mention I already pre-ordered the movie......and that Edward is the wallpaper on my computer?

Next thing you know I will be hanging posters of him in my bedroom! ( Who thinks Mr. Mayhem would let that happen?)

Do they have a rehab program for Twilight addicts?

I suppose I will just have to return to my normal life....that is...until November....when the next movie arrives in theaters!

MMMMMMMMM......Edward.......I might consider becoming a "vegetarian" for him!

PS: Yes.....I am well aware that I am a complete loser! :)

Calling In Sick

2009-02-03T07:47:00.000-08:00

Hindsight is 20/20.

I've always despised that statement.

Being the impulsive person I am........I have had to consider this on more than one occasion.

Though....never quite in the way I am NOW!

Remember how every October people start lining up for the flu shot? Yeah....that wasn't us.

I mean....who needs it....right?

Well, apparently.....WE do!

Both The Princess AND Junior Mayhem have the flu.....and it's a doozy!

TP's started over a week ago. (Two weeks ago this Friday.) She was first diagnosed with bronchitis, given a "Z pack", and sent on her way. After the treatment I even let her spend the night with a friend and both of them stayed with my PREGNANT sister.

Then Monday morning WELL before dawn.....JM came crying into my room. I went to pick him up (NO small feat at 52 pounds) and he was burning up. As I passed TP in the hall (up until this moment...she was going to school) I noticed her face was bright red. JM had over 103 degree fever....and TP was just under 102. NICE!

One double pediatrician visit later and we were diagnosed with two raging cases of the flu. Junior Mayhem is taking Tamiflu (He hates the taste.....AND it upsets his stomach....DOUBLE the fun!), but there is nothing they can do for The Princess.

So...here we sit....in quarantine....unable to emerge until AT LEAST Thursday!

Having kids with the flu....SUCKS!

Guess whose going to be first in line come this October?

The Mayhem Kids.....A Dichotomy of Behavior....AKA What Happened to the BOY?

2009-01-24T12:00:00.000-08:00

Any parent of multiple children will quickly tell you that each has his or her own distinct personality.

I had heard many a story like this and had experienced it, firsthand, with my own siblings.

Yet....nothing could quite prepare me for the INCREDIBLE differences between my son and daughter.

Thursday, The Princess received some amazing news (enter bragging mom).....we found out that she was chosen as Student of the Year for her school. I can not even put into words how proud of her and excited I was!

However, while I was preparing my "Mother of the Year" acceptance speech, I gazed at JM's folder.

On the EXACT same day, Junior Mayhem came home on red. This means he moved his pin twice. He was written up for throwing rocks, kicking rocks, (Seriously...what is UP with him and ROCKS?) and stomping his feet at his teacher.

So....I am thinking I better bask in the glow of The Princess's achievements......as my goal for JM is reverting back to keeping him out of the orange jumpsuit! :)

Oh....and in case you are wondering....I blame his father! I NEVER caused trouble in school!

Currently Seeking Therapy

2009-01-08T14:36:00.000-08:00

*******TMI ALERT*******

(BTW.......TMI stands for "Too Much Information" You have been warned!)

Remember all the delicious foods that go alongside the holidays?

Yeah....me too.....I ate them.....seemingly nonstop for nearly a month.

Don't misunderstand....I enjoyed myself..........EVERY. SINGLE. OVERINDULGENT. BITE!

Of course...having ingested vast amounts of holiday goodies left me with some very much unwanted weight.

This weight prompted me to begin a search for a garment. One that might help to shield my excess from the world until I was able to rid myself of it! (Working on that now.) This search led me to Spanx.

I perused the site and made my order. The package arrived, and I was eager to see what was inside. Imagine my surprise when I pulled it out and realized it was crotchless!

Not since my friend and I went into a Frederick's on a dare in college had I beheld anything sans crotch. AND since there was nothing even remotely sexy about this garment, I was intrigued as to why that important area was missing. As I read the tag, I began to realize that this was to aid in the responding to calls of nature. IN FACT....the tag said something along those lines.

This garment was made so that it did not have to be removed when going to the restroom.

Well....I am here to tell YOU.....don't believe the hype......and.......WHATEVER YOU DO........EVEN IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT......DO NOT........I repeat.......DO NOT.......attempt to use the restroom while wearing the garment.......it will NOT end well.

My advice......just let your fat roll show until you get motivated enough to get rid of it. I can ASSURE you.....I will be employing this tactic from now on!

So....I am currently seeking therapy to deal with my new found fears of both restrooms and shaping garments. Will keep you posted on my progress!

Mayhem Christmas 2008

2008-12-29T11:54:00.000-08:00

As the fervor of the Christmas holidays finally starts to dwindle, I have time to reminisce about the highs and lows of our Mayhem Christmas.

We spent Christmas Eve night at my mother's house. All four of us...crowded into one small room. Between The Princess hacking her lungs up all night long, Mr. Mayhem room shaking snoring, and Junior Mayhem sleeping on what sounded like wrapping paper every time he turned over.....no one awoke in a grand mood...... least of all Junior Mayhem. He was in a funk and did not hesitate to let us all know. He even went so far as to announce that he, "did not want or like this present!" You can imagine how proud I was at that moment!

Overall, barring some nasty moods at times, the holiday went relatively smoothly. We ate too much, visited with family and friends, and received more gifts than we could ever use! It was great!

Here are some pics from the day!

It is Darth Vader's evil twin.....Pantsless Darth!

The Princess played her new DS....ALL DAY LONG!

Here TP is reading, "The Jolly Christmas Postman" to JM

Leaving out food for the reindeer

TP and I at a Christmas Tea

Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!

One Holy Terror

2008-12-14T15:59:00.000-08:00

So....a tall redhead walks into a church.....she falls in love with the preacher (his message.....PEOPLE....focus) and decides to become a member. Three glorious years pass without so much as a hitch. She makes many friends, becomes active in many different aspects of the church ministries, and continues to learn so much from the gifted minister. It is a beautiful thing! Then....the church secretary decides that this lovely lady and her family would make excellent candidates to do the Advent reading and light candles during the church service......and it all took a sad, sad turn from there.

It all sounded simple enough..........Mr. Mayhem reads the scripture while the kids and I smile, look pretty, and light the candles. Oh....how foolish we were to think that ANYTHING happens easily when Junior Mayhem is involved!

The service starts off and Mr. Mayhem has NO idea what we are supposed to be doing. He doesn't know if we need to sit in a certain place, he doesn't when we are supposed to go up, he doesn't where the lighter is for the candles, he doesn't know which candles we are supposed to light (okay.....I knew this one....but I was in a momentary panic)......he doesn't know JACK SH**! (Did I mention he was in charge of this operation?"

We make it through the opening songs, somehow, with our marriage still in tact and we find some of our answers on the program. It turns out we will be doing our part after the children's choir performs. This is the same choir that JM initially finds himself on the stage with......even though he is NOT in the choir....and has NO idea the songs, nor choreography they will soon exhibit. They brought him there straight from Sunday School. Luckily, my friend sees him and brings him to sit with her before too much damage can be done!

Let me break down the 3 minutes we were on the altar down for you with a blow by blow mistake meter:

Mistake #1: Bringing JM into "adult church" in the first place. Another great selling point of my church is the fact that children attend a different service....and for that hour.....he is somebody else's problem!

Mistake #2: Telling The Princess she can light the candles. She can't work the lighter. (Which is kind of the point....I suppose....of the safety lock.) I figure this out after I watch her struggle for the first 15 seconds. This catches JM's attention too...and so the fun begins.

Mistake #3: Letting TP put her hand by mine so it is like we are lighting the candles together. Cue the noise from JM that goes something like, "I want to light a candle........I want to light a candle.....Please, PLEASE, PLEASE!"

Mistake #4: Picking up JM so he can pretend to help me light a candle. Then he wanted to light the pink candle (that's for the fourth week of Advent) and loudly insisted upon it.

Mistake #5: Staying near the altar while the preacher led a prayer after the reading. Not only did JM not want to bow his head, he attempted to leave the area......and I was forced to do the dreaded mom action of the underarm squeeze (all the while with my head lowered as though I was praying......and I was.....praying that I would not kill my son in front of all these witnesses!!!)

After what seemed like an eternity, Mr. Mayhem finished with the reading and we could head back to the safety of our seats. I whisper to JM (after his tries again, unsuccessfully, to pull away from me) that I will spank him if he does not stop. He takes this to mean I am taking him out to spank him ( I really was just taking back to children's church) and starts to moan, "No....Mama....I don't want a spanking!"

So...I pretty much separated his shoulder as I drug him out of the sanctuary as quickly as possible! ( Okay....maybe it didn't separate....but we did move VERY quickly!)

I am really going to miss that church!

I Wouldn't Have Believed it...if I Hadn't Seen It!!!!!

2008-12-11T11:47:00.001-08:00

There are many sights I am used to beholding, living in the deep south. Capri pants and flip flops nearly year round, pickup trucks, the occasional mullet come to mind.......but NEVER........NEVER EVER did I expect to see what was waiting for me when I awoke this morning.

Actually....when I was rudely jarred from my slumber by a beeping alarm. At 5:30 this morning the annoying beep was accompanied by my ringing cell phone. Oh....and then there was the COMPLETE darkness and frigid house temperature that accompanied the lack of electricity in my house. Our alarm was set and always beeps when the power goes out.....which is ENTIRELY too often if you ask me.....but I digress. Mr. Mayhem sleepily punched in the code as I lumbered through the dark house to find my phone. I answered to hear my mom exclaiming, "Look out your window!"

When I did, I was SHOCKED to see a blanket of SNOW on the ground. SNOW....in the deep, DEEP south? I can't even remember the last time it snowed here and certainly I had NEVER seen it falling like this! In my haste I opened the front door, only to set off the alarm (the one that was not supposed to be working because the power was off....the one my husband had disarmed moments earlier) and scare the holy hades out of my children.

I realize that snow in December is not that surprising for some......but here......it. just. doesn't. happen. MUCH LESS LIKE THIS!

So.....we had ourselves a real, live snow day........a blizzard, if you will! Did I mention the temperature should be in the 70's by Sunday? Yeah....we're all going to be sick!

Enjoy......deep south snow day fun!

This is what my yard looked like...when I was outside....BEFORE THE SUN CAME UP!!

Seriously.....I could not even wrap my mind around what I was seeing!

Junior Mayhem was not all that impressed at first. Oh....and it's not like we are really prepared for this kind of weather down here....either!

This is what my neighbor's house looked like.

Here's what our house looked like...and YES....we are, indeed, the Griswalds!

Here's our backyard and swingset.

The snow was DEEP, people! We just couldn't get over it!!!!!

Can you see the flower trying to bloom on my Camellia bush? Nobody saw this coming!

Getting a little more acclimated to the cold!

Now he's loving life!

Here's our snowman! His arms are curly willow from a flower arrangement in my house, his face is beer bottle caps (CLASSY) and his buttons are charcoal.

Random Notes from a Frazzled Woman

2008-12-02T16:02:00.001-08:00

Okay....so I can't seem to emerge from my blogging funk. I think it is this school year that is kicking my behind.....that, and my kids and husband....OH...and one pain in the arse cat!

I thought I would share a few things that are going down here at the Mayhem. I could probably do an entire post on each....but...if you read before I am kind of in a funk!

1. Remember when I said someone stole my wallet? I went on a tirade about,"giving thanks for people who steal other people's things"? Yeah....well....I had a message on my machine when I got home from school yesterday. My local librarian left a message and said a patron had called and because he found my wallet. She didn't give him any of my information....but she left me his name and number. It would seem he and his grandson found it while riding 4 wheelers. Where did they find it? Well....where ALL wallets are supposed to be.....in the ditch on the side of the highway! You might think this plays perfectly into my "Woe is me....people stole my sh*t" plight...EXCEPT it had everything in it.....even the coins! This caused me to remember that one of the times I was FLYING home to check for my missing wallet I saw what I thought was a big rock hit my windshield. It didn't leave a crack and I was slightly distracted at the time.....so I didn't think of it again. I am supposing THAT was my wallet flying off the top of my SUV! The nice man who found it searched for me for a week. My driver's license had my old address on it...and so he couldn't find me in the large town where I used to live. My last name is VERY common and made it difficult to find me EVEN in the small town I live in now. He finally called the library to get them to contact me. See.....there are good people left in this world! I just sent him a thank you note with a gift card to Barnes and Noble to show my appreciation!

2. The Princess and Junior Mayhem were in my brother's wedding this weekend. There was never a question as to whether TP would perform beautifully under pressure....but JM? That was another story! I told my brother I would rent the tux and bring him to the ceremony...but that was all I could promise. A wise friend advised me to have a treat waiting for him, if he did what he was supposed to do. After walking down the aisle with a PRECIOUS smile on his face he exclaimed (LOUDLY) "Yay! Now can I have my Transformer?" The entire wedding found it most amusing.

3. Speaking of JM....he has been getting in a little more trouble in school lately. I had told him that if he was "on red" (discipline charting thing) again he would get a spanking. Wouldn't you know.....he came home today on red! Knowing the fate that awaited him, he starting making statements like, "I feel like I really want to go to Wal-Mart." "I want to go to my Mimi's house." And my PERSONAL favorite, "Our house is a dangerous place.....people could get in trouble there!"

4. The Princess is racing toward tweenhood faster than I want to admit. How do I know.....check out a recent conversation:

Queen: "Aren't we supposed to come and watch you perform at theater next week?"

TP: "What?"

Q: "Didn't you tell me, RIGHT before I took you to theater (1 1/2 hours AGO) that we were supposed to watch you perform for Christmas?"

TP: "Where would we perform?"

Q: Starting to lose my patience " How am I supposed to know that....didn't you JUST come out of class.....what did they say?"

TP: 'Well, they didn't really mention anything about it.'

Q: " They didn't mention anything about the event that is supposed to happen the next time we come??????!!!!"

TP: " No. It may be the next week."

Q: Turning the music up louder.....(thinking) "I need a cocktail!"

Hope all is well with you. I will be around to visit soon!