Mrs Mom-Wife-Woman

Things I learned this week

2009-09-22T10:37:00.003-07:00

With my mother's recent accident, it really makes you re-evaluate what is important in life. Today, instead of visiting her in a hospital I could be attending her funeral.

So here are some valuable lessons I have learned the past week:

1) Just because you look both ways when you cross the street doesn't mean drivers are doing the same thing. Pay extra attention when out walking.

2) Don't wait for something tragic to happen before you tell your parents you love them. They can't hear you once they're gone.

3) Life is short.

4) Doctors and nurses aren't anything like what you see on TV.

5) Know where your parents keep EVERYTHING in their house in case they send you there to retrieve items...otherwise you look like an idiot running through the house, opening drawers, doors and cabinets to find a nail clippers!

Dirty House, Clear Mind

2009-07-23T11:33:00.002-07:00

I AM NOT MY MOTHER!

Let me explain. Now, my mother is a lovely woman. In some ways, I want to be just like her. She has been known to bend over backward for a friend in need or bake 100 cookies to help out her Church's women's group. My mom loves her grandkids and takes care of my 'sometimes surly and always stubborn' dad.

My mom has always been the type who can't seem to stop moving. Even in her retirement, she always stays busy: cleaning, cooking, baking, sewing, walking, shopping and then starts it all over again the next day. At times, she keeps too busy and doesn't know when to stop. Rarely does she take time to stop and smell the roses.

There is one thing that my mother and I will never agree on.

She thinks I'm a horrible housekeeper. Guilty! I am bad at it, but I wouldn't say I'm horrible. Not great, maybe. My house isn't as clean as it could be. However, it is all too clear that she equates a dirty house to laziness. In essence, my mother thinks I'm...LAZY. She has made that perfectly clear, albeit subtly.

Here is how I see it. So what if my house is dirty? My oldest daughter will be 15 years old in a few months and starting high school in a few weeks. I have better things to do, like spend as much time with her as I can before she grows up and moves out.

My youngest daughter is starting kindergarten soon. I have better things to do, like enjoy every moment with her while I can, because I know all too well they grow up much too fast.

My husband leaves early next year to once again fight for his country. I have better things to do, like spend time with him because...well...you just never know.

So my house is messy, dusty, cluttered, dirty and unorganized. But, the roses sure smell nice.

Magic Wand

2009-07-10T16:39:00.004-07:00

When I was young, I remember reading every book I could get my hands on. Every Saturday after piano lessons, my mother would drop me off at the library to search through the aisles and aisles of books. Fantasies were my particular favorite. Anything with magic, mystical powers or a fairy godmother were of special interest to me.

As an adult, there are times when I wish those magical stories were true. There is something intriguing and inviting about using magic to make all your problems and worries go away. If I were granted one wish, any wish at all, I would wish for a magic wand that would grant any wish I wanted. (Did you follow that?)

Don't you sometimes wish you had something like a magic wand? Financial problems? POOF! You suddenly win $1Million in the lottery. Hate your job? POOF! A new one with a 6-figure income is simply handed to you. Your kids are horrible and driving you crazy? POOF! Your children suddenly behave better than ever before. You put on 20 pounds after you quit smoking? POOF! Jenny Craig is calling you personally to do one of her commercials...and will pay you to be a spokeswoman and lose weight on her dime on national television! (Don't judge me...I can dream...)

But, let's be real. Magic wands are only found in story books and magic shows. If you want to achieve something, or change it, you have to be assertive and do it yourself. Yesterday, I found out that Neil Armstrong was 38 years old when he walked on the moon...one year older than I am now. He worked hard to become an astronaut and look at what he accomplished! He set out to do something amazing and he did it.

There are times...many, many times...that I feel I haven't accomplished a dang thing. But whose fault is that? Neil Armstrong's? I wish I could blame him for all my problems, but I only have myself to blame. I've had many opportunities to improve myself and each time I have sabotaged it thinking I wasn't good enough. I am going to have to change that perception of myself if I am going to get anywhere in life.

I'm not Neil Armstrong...I'm me...and I'm pretty fabulous if I do say so myself. I'm the mother of 4 great kids. I am very intelligent. I have a loving, wonderful husband who loves me more than anything. The few friends I have are amazing human beings. I'm currently writing a children's novel for my kids. I may not have as much as some, but I have more than most.

I am the luckiest woman in the world...once you put things in perspective.

I want to be a writer...

2009-06-28T14:52:00.003-07:00

For those of you who don't know, I am currently writing a children's novel. Primarily, I am writing it for my 2 oldest daughters, Sky (14) and Remi (11). Neither of them are avid readers, so I figured if I wrote a book just for them, they just might actually sit down and enjoy a good "read". Then again, because their mother wrote it, they might find it lame - but a girl can dream.

I can't give away too many of the details...I don't want to spoil anything for anyone. However, I can say the lead character is mirrored after Sky: strong, independent, athletic, smart and likeable. Another lead character is currently mirrored after Remi: also strong & independent, but is a nature lover, artistic and very much a girl.

I've had numerous people asking me if my ultimate goal is to get it published. While that would be a lifelong dream come true, first and foremost, I am writing it for my kids and their enjoyment.

Anyone who has known me my entire life knows I've been writing since I was very young. I wrote mini-books all through elementary school and was an avid poetry writer all the way through high school. Then, somewhere along the way, I lost the time and desire to continue on with my dream of writing.

When I lost my job, I initially thought of it as the worst luck ever. But, now I see it was a blessing in disguise since it has allowed me to write every day. When God shuts one door, he ultimately opens another...or so I've been told. Now, I may not necessarily be able to make a living with my writing, and it currently isn't putting food on my table, but I am excited at the prospect of completing it and giving it to my girls. I just hope they appreciate the effort.

Remember when?

2009-06-26T17:48:00.003-07:00

With the deaths of two icons from my youth, I began to remember things I used to be obsessed with when I was young.

1) I would have killed for a pair of leg warmers. All the girls in my class were wearing them, but my parents refused to buy them for me. As I look back, I'm thankful that they didn't. My kids already find enough things to make fun of while looking through my old photo albums of me without adding leg warmers to the mix!

2) Farrah hair was H U G E!! But no matter how hard I tried, I could not get my hair to feather back. Instead, every attempt to make my hair "cool" ended in a bad version of the female, permed mullet.

3) I wanted to be Daisy Duke when I grew up. Enough said...

4) I wanted to be a stunt woman when I grew up. I blame Lee Majors and The Fall Guy. I pretty much gave up the dream when I tried to do a flip off the cattle ramp into a pile of sand and landed on my back and then realized I was afraid of heights.

5) I was in love with the tall blonde guy from Hall & Oates. I can't remember which one he was. Hall or Oates.

6) Every Saturday, I just HAD to watch that awesome show with those really cool dinosaurs, slow green aliens and the blonde girl with the braided pig-tails. What's the name of that show again?

7) I was the first kid in my class to master the moonwalk.

8) I wanted to be an architect when I grew up...just like the dad on the Brady Bunch.

9) I wanted to become a marine biologist after a few episodes of Flipper.

10) I wanted to be the girlfriend of Mackenzie Astin, Cory Haim, Cory Feldman, Michael J. Fox, Kirk Cameron and that hot young actor from 21 Jump Street. You've probably never heard of him. I think his name was Johnny something.

11) Who didn't want a pair of rainbow suspenders back in the day?!

12) Everyone I knew had a pair of Nike tennis shoes.

13) I begged my mother for a year to buy me a neon-green bowling shirt. Don't ask.

14) One word - ALF

15) I think I watched The Last Dragon about 30 times, Hoosiers about 40 times and Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures about 50.

16) I loved The Pointer Sisters, Michael Jackson, Ah-Ha, The Bee-Gees, The Go-Go's, and Kenny Rogers. That's right....I said Kenny Rogers!!

17) It was ALL about Love Boat, Fantasy Island, Knight Rider and The Greatest American Hero.

18) Hey Hey We're the Monkees!!!

19) I would have loved to have had My Two Dads!

20) I was obsessed with Henry Thomas from the movie E.T. For a while, I collected everything I could with his face on it. The funny thing is, I didn't see the movie until I was 30 years old.

Time to Find a Job

2009-06-16T10:59:00.003-07:00

Everybody is struggling these days. People are being laid off, losing their homes and having trouble making ends meet. Since I lost my job back in March, things have been hard on my family. I have enjoyed being a stay-at-home mom for the past three months, which is something I never got to do when my older kids were little. However, it is time for me to get back to work for numerous reasons. Let me count the ways...

1) I NEED to work. I am sure most people would agree, but what you do defines who you are. If you know any lawyers or doctors, you know that people see them as significant human beings who are envied for their wealth and status. Now, I'm not saying I have to have a job with THAT kind of status. As a mother, I know that nothing is more important than being a "mom". But, also as a mother, nothing is more important than showing your children what responsibility is by demonstrating responsibility. I will never be a lawyer or a doctor. However, no matter what job I do, it's OK because I am showing my kids that by working hard, no matter what the job is, can be valuable and rewarding.

2) I have a college degree, and that should mean something. I worked hard for that bachelor's degree. I was a single mother for 3 out of the 4 years that I was in school and I earned every A and B. I went back to college to show my daughters that it was important, and yet I haven't been able to utilize my degree. Perhaps I am holding myself back by thinking that I am only capable of a little when I know in my heart that I am capable of so much more.

3) I am a leader. Not a follower. If being the mother of 4 counts for anything, it should show people that I am capable of managing others. Anyone who has ever been a mother of two or more children know that it is a full-time job in itself. I am a taxi driver, chef, house cleaner, dishwasher, waitress, accountant, sports coach, teacher, security guard, judge, jury, dog groomer, personal buyer and manager. And let's not forget a wife who volunteers for a military family support group. I do it all, and yet I feel a need to add to that impressive resume as a full and/or part-time outside employee.

4) Money is beginning to get extremely tight. Bills are piling up and fun activities are being put on hold. I am currently writing a book, but it could take years before I find someone to publish it once it has been completed. So, I can't rely on that for income any time soon. So, as much as I am enjoying my 4 children right now, it is time to get back to work.

I will keep searching on-line and hitting the pavement - looking for work. With God's help, and my wonderful husband's encouragement, I will find work soon.

When did I get THAT old??

2009-05-28T15:25:00.003-07:00

Have you ever noticed that almost overnight you wake up and you're old? I don't mean older...I mean old. Things start sagging, wrinkles start appearing, age spots miraculously appear on your hands and your eyesight starts to go. Seriously! When did THAT happen?

As I was driving my oldest daughter, Sky, home the other day, I suddenly pulled the car over to the side of the road and began banging my head into the steering wheel. She looked at me and asked, "What's wrong with you?". I replied with, "MY 20 YEAR REUNION IS NEXT YEAR!!"

With Sky starting high school this August, I realized that I will now be the mother who is old enough to have a child in high school. But then, to add the cherry to the sundae, my youngest is starting kindergarten this fall as well. I find myself fending off a panic attack every time I think about it! I know I shouldn't think about this stuff in terms of how old I'm getting, but it's difficult not to. But, to show you the depth of my self-pity, I even realized last week that a year from now, my oldest daughter will be able to get her driver's permit. DRIVING?! For crying out loud! It feels like I just took the stinking training wheels off her bike!

So how do I cope with the age factor? Well, after I pull myself together and uncontort myself from the fetal position, I begin to repeat the same thing over and over. "Getting older is God's way of telling you that you're not going to live forever." On second thought, that's not helping. If you need me, I'll be in the corner in the fetal position.

Memorial Day Weekend

2009-05-27T11:09:00.002-07:00

As most people know, Memorial Day is about honoring those soldiers who have given their lives for our freedom. However, most people think of it as time off work, an excuse to go camping or just another reason to drink all night. For one family, Memorial Day weekend will always mean something else.

Most soldiers are prepared for death while deployed. They come to terms with their own possible death and the deaths of their battle buddies. However, in this case, there was no amount of preparation that could have braced my husband's unit for what happened. A fellow soldier, who recently returned from Afghanistan, was murdered over the weekend. The unit is taking it hard. This wasn't a war. It wasn't a roadside bomb. It was simply the rage of a jealous ex-boyfriend that took this soldier's life.

Death can happen anywhere...at any time. Remember the fallen. Even if those brave souls did not die during battle, at one time they were still defending our way of life.

Remember the Fallen

2009-02-22T19:54:00.004-07:00

Last night on HBO, the movie "Taking Chance" premiered. Based on true events, Kevin Bacon starred as a Lt Colonel who requested to escort the body of a Private home to his family for his funeral. It showed the dignity of the uniform and the respect shown to those who have served and fallen.

It was a difficult movie to watch. On the one hand, I had reservations about watching anything pertaining to a fallen soldier. One of my biggest fears as a military wife has always been the knock on the door in the middle of the night by military personnel to tell me something bad had happened. On the other hand, I felt the need to watch out of basic respect for everyone in uniform. I managed to get through most of the movie without shedding a tear but failed miserably in that aspect during the last half hour.

This movie drained me. I know that every time I send my husband off to war, his chances of coming home safely starts to dwindle. I thought of our friends who are currently serving in Iraq and how much I miss them. It would be devastating if anything happened to them. People watch the news at night after a long day at work. In passing, they hear about the latest soldier or soldiers that were killed in the Middle East. They may stop briefly, and think, "How sad", and move on with their nightly chores. I hear about it on the news and cannot get it out of my mind for the rest of the evening. I feel for the parents, the spouses, and the children left behind.

So, let me put out a challenge to all of you reading this. The next time you hear about a fallen soldier on the news, stop and take a moment to say a prayer for his or her family. Stop and think how you would feel if he or she were your brother, sister, spouse, cousin or even parent. Find the empathy and sympathy inside you to feel. Feel for those families who has lost a loved one.

Sometime in the next year, my husband will be going on another tour of duty. I will never forget the movie, "Taking Chance". It will forever be in the back of my head every time he deploys. It will also forever be in the forefront of my thoughts every time he comes home safe.

My Top Ten List

2008-09-06T23:16:00.003-07:00

A few months ago, I found my first gray hair. I did what any normal 30-something mother of 4 would do. I cried. After I stopped wallowing in self-pity, I realized it was just another way of life telling me that I wasn't immortal. It got me to thinking...if I had unlimited funds and the ability to do whatever I wanted, what are the top 10 things I would want to do and accomplish before my demise?

Here is what I came up with. It's not as easy as you think!

1) Walk the Great Wall of China

2) Get a little platic surgery done (Oh come on! Like you haven't thought about it?!)

3) Get a book published

4) Get over my fear of heights by skydiving out of a plane

5) Take a cruise to Europe with my husband for a few weeks

6) Lose 40 pounds

7) Start a support group for Army wives

8) Find a career that I loved

9) Be able to afford to send all 4 of my children to college

10) Visit Ireland and Scotland

How many of these will I actually be able to accomplish? Probably less than half.

So, stop and think. What would you want to do before you died?

100 Points

2008-09-06T23:04:00.005-07:00

Recently, my oldest daughter, a teenager, came home and said one of her friends placed her on a point system. Let me elaborate.

My daughter is very intelligent, although she does not always stop to think about what she says before she says it. Over the course of the past 6 months, she has demonstrated this on more than one occasion. So, one of her close friends placed her on a point system. They gave her 100 points. Everytime she says something that might make you stop and scratch your head, they deduct 2 points.

Here are some of the highlights:

1) "Did Hitler kill Anna Nicole Smith?" (There was a pause where I just looked at her with a blank face.) Then she said, "Wait! No! I meant Anne Frank! (Too late. It was already out there.)

2) "What's in tuna?"

3) "Who invented Roman numerals?"

4) "Is a whale shark a whale or a shark?"

5) "Can I figure out what my blood type is by just looking at it?"

6) And my personal favorite...Her history teacher called on her and asked her what significiant event happened in 1904. Her response? "I have no clue! I wasn't born in the 1904's!"

I could go on, but remembering these conversations still cracks me up, and my side hurts right now from laughing so hysterically!

At last count, my daughter is currently at 58 points. I had no idea I was raising Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton at the same time!

Patriotism

2008-09-06T22:56:00.005-07:00

Recently, a neighbor placed a painted rock in their front yard that said, "9/11 - An Inside Job". Our neighbors are up in arms. Everyone is talking about how to steal the rock in the middle of the night, paint over it or how to confront the neighbors.

It's no surprise that this has caused a lot of people to become extremely angry. But the homeowner accomplished their goal...to upset the majority by their minority thinking. I am almost positive that when they purposely placed that rock in their front yard that they did it to "rock the boat" and wave their fist at what they believe to be corrupt government.

Ultimately, news got back to us about the rock. As a soldier's wife, other neighbors first asked me my opinion. I flatly said, "It just shows their ignorance. The longer it stays there, the more stupid they'll look!" Then, my husband, an Iraqi war veteran, came outside and he was asked the same question. In true patriotic form, he simply said, "That's why I fight for our freedom. So people like that can voice their opinions without fear of government persecution. And so people can have the right to say stupid things."

I think that said it all.

Election Season

2008-09-06T22:35:00.002-07:00

Unless you've been living under a rock for the past year, you will have noticed that election time is here again. We are bombarded with political ads, road signs and political commentary on the news. As much as I am completely and utterly sick of the whole thing, I am more keenly aware of each of the candidate's views and backgrounds than I have ever been before.

As an Army wife, I have a very invested interest in this year's election. I am not only concerned about our soldiers and the war abroad, but it is one of my top concerns. Being a registered Independent, I am not confined to feeling obligated to vote for a particular party. So, I did my homework.

I looked into both candidates' voting history in the Senate. I looked into past speeches and current speeches to see if there has been any major flip-flopping. I have looked into the character of each candidate as well as their friends and family members. As a Christian, I have also looked at their religious views. After doing this, I have chosen a very clear candidate to vote for.

One BIG thing to keep in mind is this: Can my candidate actually follow through with their campaign promises? Some things to think about are as follows: 1) No candidate can promise to improve our education system. Education is primarily handled at the State Level. 2) If the war in Iraq ends now, funds that support the war CANNOT be diverted to other programs. Look into it. 3) Government CANNOT really bring our gas prices down. There are ways to bring gas prices down, but the government basically has no leverage in this area.

I am not here to spout my political views, but rather inspire people to look outside the box and do their own homewok. Do NOT simply vote for a person because you blindly believe they can save our country. Vote for a person because they believe and fight for the same things you do. You will never find a candidate that believes in everything you do. But as I've heard friends say, you vote for the lesser of the two evils.

Time for Change

2007-11-12T21:16:00.000-07:00

There are few things in life that I truly value. My faith, my family, my values and my closest friends are the most important things to me in life. I have made some decisions recently to make some changes in my life.

When I was a child, I envisioned having a great job, making lots of money, living in my dream home, going out to eat every night, being married to the man of my dreams, and having lots of children. Now that I am an adult, I realize that the fantasies of a child are just that...fantasies. I have a job that causes me a lot of stress, I make very little money, my house is falling apart, and I hate to cook but it's cheaper than going out every night. However, I am married to the man of my dreams and have 4 children. So not all fantasies stay that way.

There are some things in life we cannot change. We cannot change our partner's bad habits of leaving socks and underwear on the bedroom floor. We cannot change the fact that our children will continue to grow up and eventually move out. And you cannot convince your teenager that you really do know more than they do. However, there are some things in life that we are capable of changing.

We all make conscious decisions from time to time to make specific changes. We decide to quit smoking, save money, start losing weight and volunteer our time to a worthy cause. I, too, have made some changes that I hope, in the long run, will make me a better person. Now before I explain my reasons, I want to include a disclaimer. I made the decisions I made for very personal reasons. Many of my friends do not feel the same way and I have no problem with that. Everyone has to do what they feel is best for them. I do not judge my friends by the decisions they have made in life, unless those decisions are harmful to others or themselves.

I have decided to quit drinking alcohol. Is it for forever? I don't know. But, for now, I just decided that I do not want to drink. I see people using it as a crutch in their lives. I also see people going too far and becoming jerks and idiots. Even though in recent years, I never drank very much to begin with, I just no longer felt like partaking in the fun. My children do not want to see me drinking and are always concerned when they see my friends drink. I figured, why add to their stress?

I have also decided to give more of my life to God. I am a Christian, but with my husband in Iraq, I have begun to think a lot more about my faith. I take too many things for granted and don't give God enough credit for the good things that happen in my life.

I could go on and on. But my point is this...everyone gets to a point in their lives where changes need to be made. Some people do it early in life, and others make it later. Whether your changes are based on personal beliefs, health reasons, your children or your marriage, those decisions are yours to make.

Potty Mouths

2007-11-07T13:05:00.000-07:00

Is it me? Or has the world gone completely crazy?! When did it become appropriate for people to use foul language in public, out loud, in front of young children?

Let me explain. I was shopping at my favorite clothing store with my 3 daughters. My oldest daughter had received a gift card and was foaming at the mouth to buy herself a new wardrobe. (Teenagers...) While we were browsing through racks of cute t-shirts, there were three girls who looked like they were about 18 years old one aisle over from us. They proceeded to use language best left to a Naval fleet, laughing and giggling the whole time, all the while completely oblivious to the fact that my three year old daughter was standing 5 feet from them.

It is not cute. It is not funny. I have heard f-bombs flying from grown men's mouths in the toy aisle at Walgreens while shopping with my kids. I have heard teenagers cursing at each other in the grocery store will picking out cereal with my youngest daughter. I have even heard other mothers use foul language while berating their children inside a convenience store.

I could give you my analysis of how the world is changing and how television and movies have had too much influence on people's lives. I could give a lecture on poor parenting and how good manners and values should begin in the home. But the long and the short of it is this...people are ultimately responsible for their own actions and decisions.

So if you consciously choose to cuss in front of my kids in public, I choose to tell you to shut the frick up!!

A Day of Remembrance

2007-09-11T12:39:00.000-07:00

Today is 9/11. 6 years ago today, our nation witnessed the most horrific scene since Pearl Harbor. I know it is on everybody's mind in one form or another. I overhear people at work talking about it. People turned their TV's on this morning while drinking their coffee before they left their homes and watched old news clips. For the survivors and the families of those who perished 6 years ago, it is all they will think about today.

For me, it is the events after 9/11 that have me in deep thought. I woke up that morning, turned on my television and ended up being late for work because I couldn't turn away from it. Steven and I were dating at the time. I called him and told him to turn his TV on. He watched it the rest of the day. Three and a half years later, Steven joined the Army Reserves and left for Basic Training. Now, my husband is serving in northern Iraq still fighting a battle that Al Qaeda and Sadam started.

Being the wife of a U.S. Soldier, I have heard it all. I quietly sit back and let people vent about the war and how we should not be there. I have listened to people preach to me about how when the Democrats took over, the war would quickly end. My mother-in-law constantly buys into the rumors that President Bush will be bringing troops home soon and I have to disappoint her by reminding her that they are just "rumors". I have even had people tell me that when "Hillary" becomes President, my husband would be coming home.

A U.S. Soldier my husband knew was killed 2 days ago outside of Kirkuk, Iraq. When I talked to him today, he said yesterday was a bad day for everyone there. He was someone's son, possibly someone's husband and father. Perhaps it is selfish on my part, but my first thought was, "Thank God it wasn't Steven." I miss my husband. I pray everyday for his safety and pray that he never becomes a statistic.

Some of you may be tired of hearing about Al Qaeda, the war, September 11 or even all the politics that have gone with it. But, if I can leave you with one thought, this is it...

Our troops all volunteered for this job. All of the men and women who volunteered after 9/11 knew exactly what they were getting themselves into. Not everyone serving in Iraq, or even Afghanistan, may necessarily agree with the reasoning behind the war. But, the soldiers are there and want to do their job. They want to see the children there grow up and not become terrorists. They want them to have clean water, electricity and live without fear. The soldiers want to be there for each other and try to keep each other's spirits up and lean on each other for support. But I guarantee that none of them have forgotten 9/11 and the days that followed.

Today is 9/11. Never forget.

Things I've Learned Since my Husband was Deployed

2007-06-15T10:02:00.000-07:00

Windex and the Mr. Clean Magic Erasers work really well with getting crayons and markers off of tile floors, walls and kitchen chairs.

The average lifespan of markers and crayons, from the time they are purchased to the time they get tossed in the trash because of mis-use by a 3 year old, is approximately 7 days.

Happy Meal toys are free with the purchase of a Happy Meal. The cost to unclog a Happy Meal toy from a toilet is 160 dollars.

It is actually possible to cook pancakes and NOT burn them.

If you leave a 3 year old and a kitten alone together long enough, one of them is bound to end up stuck in a drawer.

The toenails on my husband’s dog and my husband’s toenails will leave the exact same scratch marks on my leg in the middle of the night.

A Crock Pot is a necessity, NOT a luxury.

My 12 year old daughter is just as much of a bed hog and steals the covers just as bad as her step dad.

Contrary to what my husband thought before he left, I CAN cook and the children are not starving.

Having a dirty house isn’t always a sign that I’m behind or that I’m lazy. It is usually a sign that I am spending quality time with my children.

There are fewer consequences when lying to my mother-in-law about what my husband is up to than it is to tell her the truth and deal with a hysterical person for an hour.

I’ve learned that it is not a good idea for someone to approach me to debate on war issues because I will win every time.

It doesn’t matter how high on the panty shelves you put the cookies, because an intelligent 3 year old will always figure out a way to get them down without your help.

Even though I appreciated everything my husband did when he was here, I appreciate it even that much more now that he’s gone.

I’ve learned just how much I love my husband and how much I NEVER want to be a single mom ever again.

My Life Right Now

2007-06-11T08:39:00.000-07:00

People often wonder and ask me what it feels like to have a husband deployed overseas for a year. Let me see if I can explain it in a way that will help you understand what I go through and what I feel on a daily basis.

Do you remember growing up as a child? There was always that anticipation every year of Christmas day. It would start right after Halloween and would build until Christmas Eve. Then, you would get so excited that you could hardly sleep. Christmas day would come, gifts would be opened, and food would be eaten. Then, on December 26, you realized you had to wait a whole year for the holiday to repeat itself again and your excitement quickly turned to disappointment.

In an odd sort of way, it is kind of like that. Before he left, there was an anticipation of something to come. He was excited to go and get started. I was excited for him, but I also enjoyed every single day with him before he left. I tried to not think about the day he was going to leave, and we made every moment count and spent as much time together as possible. Then, the night before he left, I could hardly sleep. I knew the longer I spent awake, the more actual “time” I was getting to spend with him. Morning came. We packed up the car, woke up the kids and headed for the airport. Once we were there, we laughed, we kissed, we hugged, we cried, and we said good-bye. As I watched him walk away toward airport security, I realized I would have to wait months until he came home again. Then once he was home again, it would only be two weeks before I had to relive the whole thing all over again.

Each day is different. Some days are pretty easy. There are days when I am able to function at full capacity and am able to not dwell on Steven’s absence. Then, there are days where I can hardly get out of bed because I miss him so badly. I still catch myself from time to time reaching for my cell phone to call him when something great happens. I know he’s gone, but at the same time he is all around me. He gave our daughter his lips, his feet and his smile. His shoes are still sitting next to the dresser where he left them. There are pictures of him everywhere at home and in my office.

The difference between Steven and me and other couples is fairly obvious after you’ve spent any amount of time with us. We still act like a couple of teenagers. We absolutely adore each other and actually enjoy spending every minute we can together. I hear so many wives, on a daily basis, complain about their husbands. They whine and moan about how their husband is either worthless, a jerk or is just a waste of space. I love my husband more than I love myself and would do anything to ensure his happiness. For Steven and myself, spending one week apart is absolute torture for both of us. Multiple that by 52, and our time apart is excruciating.

So, you want to know what it’s like for me while Steven is in Iraq? I have already had to plan my husband’s funeral, pick out his headstone and decide on a service…and then sit back and hope I NEVER have to go through with it. I watch the news and see that another local soldier has been killed in the Middle East, and I celebrate and grieve at the same time, because it wasn’t my husband…but it could have been. I look at our 3 year daughter every day and hope that I never have to tell her stories about her father as she grows up because he is not there to tell her himself. I jump a foot in the air every time my cell phone rings in hopes I get to talk to him, even if it is only a few minutes at times. And I get up each morning alone and go to bed alone every night. That is what it’s like for me while Steven is gone…and that’s only the parts I can put into words. The rest: You wouldn’t understand.

145 Days to Go

2007-06-07T08:50:00.000-07:00

My husband has been gone now for almost 11 weeks. Even though the time has flown, it still seems like an eternity since he left for Iraq. He will be home on October 30 for his 2 weeks of R&R before he heads back to the Middle East. I try not to think about how long he has been gone or how long it will be until he is back. But, if you’re keeping track, there are only 145 days to go.

There are days when things go smoothly and I feel like I am finally getting the hang of being a temporary single-mother. Then, there are those times when I almost feel like I can’t do it alone. This is when I have to force myself to be strong and keep moving on. I miss my husband terribly and think about him constantly, but sometimes I have to force him out of my head in order to get things accomplished.

The kids are really stepping up and are starting to help me out. My two oldest daughters have chores to do everyday while I’m at work that have to be finished by the time I get home. They have a list of everything they have to do on the side of the fridge, and they check each item off as they go. Most of the time, the stuff gets done without complaint. Other times, I have to nag them a bit. However, without their help, I fear my house would crumble down around me. My oldest daughter has also started noticing when I begin to get a bit overwhelmed. That is when she will hold my hand or offer me a hug. Even my middle daughter, who is normally not the type to cuddle, has been extremely affectionate to me lately. My children never cease to amaze me.

I take each day one day at a time. My friends, family, co-workers and fellow Army wives get me through my rough patches. Total strangers will come up to me after seeing all the Army stickers on my car and tell me to thank my husband for his service. When I start feeling sorry for myself, I just remind myself of one thing: When Steven and I are old and we look back at the past, this particular time in our lives will seem like a blip on the radar screen.

The Name Game

2007-05-25T14:13:00.000-07:00

Do you remember the day you looked at the EPT test and realized you were about to become a mother? It doesn’t matter whether it is your first child or your sixth child, but after the initial shock and/or joy wear off, the next thing you do is begin coming up with baby names.

Most couples have the same three arguments through the course of their marriage: Money, mothers-in-law and what to name their children. You spend most of your 9 months with your face buried in multiple baby name books trying to find that perfect name that will fit their heritage or personality. Some people go extremely traditional with names like David or Lisa. Others go modern traditional with names like Ashley or Cooper. Some couples go as far as naming their children after states (Dakota or Montana) or cities (Sedona or Cheyenne). Some people come up with names like Blossom, Rwanda or even Moon Beam. Whatever the reason people give for naming their children what they do, everybody has their own story as to how they chose those names.

When naming my daughters, there were quite a few factors that had to be taken into account. I grew up with quite a few Lisas, Jennifers, Karens, and Kristies. I wanted to ensure that my children grew up with unique names, but not so unique that people made funny faces when they heard me yell at my kids by name in the middle of a busy Target. With my first daughter, I wanted to incorporate my parents’ Dutch heritage. The hardest part was getting my first husband to agree on any name I came up with. By the time I was 9 months pregnant, we finally came to an agreement.

We ended up naming our firstborn daughter “Skylar”, which is Dutch for “scholar”. It was a unique name that we had never heard before. Apparently many other parents thought the same thing that year, because soon there was an influx of BOYS with that name. Over time, her name was shortened to just “Sky”. To this day, if I happen to call her Skylar, she gives me a funny look and calls me “Mother”. There are only a few people that call her by her full name but not for her lack of protest.

The name of our second daughter was even tougher. Again, around the 9th month of my pregnancy, we finally agreed on a name. We came up with the name “Remi” from one of the baby books we owned. It derives from the Rhemes River in France. Then, of course, there’s Remy Martin Cognac, which was a complete fluke because neither of us really drank back then. There was also a French story printed in the 1920’s called “Remy the Great” about a young boy who joins the army and becomes a national hero. It is traditionally a boy’s name in France, but it seemed to suit our newborn daughter well, nonetheless. Flash forward 9 ½ years…Disney is putting out a movie about a Chef and a rat who combine efforts to become famous chefs in France. The rat’s name in this movie? “Remy”. Figures.

My last daughter was probably the most difficult to name. This was my second husband’s first child (or so he thought) and he had very different views on what to name her than I did. We finally agreed on “Milla”, which was a Russian name. Since my husband’s heritage was part Russian, we decided that this was a good fit…until I found the name “Freyja” about 3 weeks before she was born. We went back and forth between the 2 names for about a week. Finally I won the argument and we named our daughter “Freyja”. The reason I got my way? My husband has always had a huge crush on former model and now actress, Milla Jovovich, star of movies such as “The Fifth Element” and “Resident Evil”. Who wouldn’t want their daughter named after a woman their husband used to fantasize about before you were married?! I’m blonde…not stupid!

Alone

2007-05-08T10:56:00.000-07:00

Seven years ago, I was a single mother. I worked 40 hours a week, worked part-time on the weekends cocktailing at a sports bar, was going to school to finish my bachelors degree and was raising 2 young daughters, one of whom was in daycare and the other had just started school. It was hard, exhausting, and very stressful at times. Balancing home life in a small apartment and work life became a full-time job. However, I got a break from time to time. My ex-husband and I split parental duties every other week. On the weeks they were at their dad’s house, I had a week to unwind, catch up on housework and well-deserved sleep. I went out with my friends, dated and had a social life.

Flash forward 7 years and I find myself, once again, being a single mother. But this time, it’s different. Very different. Now I have 3 daughters that I am raising. The oldest two still go to their dad’s house every other week, but I now have a 3 year old “angel” that I have full time. I work 40 hours a week and bring work home every night. I try to keep my oldest 2 children from killing each other on a regular basis, and try to keep my youngest from just generally tearing my house down! There is housework, errands, and school functions to attend. Other than not having a social life because I am just too busy, it all balances out and is pretty much the same as seven years ago. But there is one big difference. My husband is in Iraq. The stress of that alone is a huge burden to bear. And I seem to be the only one carrying the brunt of that weight.

I feel pretty alone most of the time. I have friends. In fact, I have very good friends. But I do not allow them to see me struggle. Between trying to keep my work and home life balanced with trying to keep myself sane, it’s all I can do not to cry myself to sleep on a nightly basis. The worst part is that no one understands. To everyone else, my husband is off to war; just doing his job. To them, life goes on until he gets back. To me, life stopped the minute I watched him walk toward the security checkpoint at the airport in March. I have never felt so alone or so isolated in my life. I watch my friends go out on weekends and sleep in on Saturdays. I know it is not intentional, but I feel left out pretty much most of the time. I enjoy spending time with children and cherish the moments I have with them, because let’s face it – they grow up pretty fast. But, everyone needs a break from time to time.

I know a military wife who has been through this twice now. Her husband is home now, but she works full-time and is also the President of my husband’s unit’s FRG (Family Readiness Group). She is incredibly busy, so I don’t want to bother her. There are no other wives I can turn to at my husband’s unit because, as most of them so eloquently put it when asked to volunteer for the FRG, their husbands aren’t deployed right now so they can’t be bothered. These are the people women like me usually turn to. But they aren’t there. I also have very close friends whom I love dearly. But, I always feel life I am bothering them when I knock on their doors. So, I just shut down. My best friend is still learning to be a single mother herself and has worries and problems of her own without me adding to them.

My mother-in-law is so consumed with her own life and my youngest daughter that she does not feel the urge to help me out once in a while to give me a break. She says she is busy and needs a break, too, and doesn’t have the energy to take my youngest daughter any longer than overnight and then wants me to pick her up at 9am the next morning. My parents are great, but they’re getting older and can’t always keep up with a 3-year-old.

The reason I don’t say anything to anyone is because I don’t want them to think I’m looking for sympathy or am just looking for attention. If I was just looking for attention, I would be knocking on my friends’ doors at all hours of the day, crying on their shoulders. The stress of Steven being gone, taking care of my kids, and managing my house and my job are all beginning to take a toll. I feel so alone and just want someone to listen. But when I start to tell someone what I am going through, they either change the subject, look at me like they're bored or try to be overly positive and make light of my situation.

I’m not complaining. I am not whining. I am a very lucky woman. I have beautiful, healthy children. There is a man in Iraq who loves me more deeply than any hero in a romance novel. I am proud of my husband and his decision to serve. But everyone has their breaking point and I think I’ve reached mine. I try so hard to make everyone think I’m all right: My pastor, my friends, my family…even my children. It’s only been 6 weeks since he left, but exhaustion is setting in and it’s all I can do to get up every morning and face each day head on.

So, I pray. I pray a lot. I pray for Steven and his safe return. I pray for our daughter who misses her daddy every day. I pray that life will soon get easier. And I pray that the four hours of sleep I get each night will be enough to get me through the day.

My To-Do List for this Weekend

2007-05-04T10:15:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but I tend to create to-do lists for myself throughout the week. If I don't, I usually forget to do something and then find myself a week later smacking myself on the forehead. With my husband deployed in Iraq, my weekends are becoming very chaotic. I now realize that I have to completely schedule my day from the time I get up in the morning until I go to bed and stick with that schedule to avoid any issues that could arrive.

Keeping that in mind, here is my actual to-do list for this Saturday. This may finally prove that I tend to be a bit "sick in the head".

1. Wake up, hit the snooze button - Repeat as necessary
2. Feed the kittens and my 2 oldest cats
3. Let the 2 oldest cats into the house so they can eat
4. Turn on heat lamp and feed Remi's Greek tortoise
5. Feed's Sky's rat
6. Let Sarge out of his dog kennel and put him outside so he can proceed to bark at every cat, human and leaf that happens by the back patio gate
7. Feed the dogs so they can tip their bowls over
8. Sweep up dog food from kitchen floor because they tipped their bowls over
9. Walk Romel until he pees and he is done sniffing every rock, bush & tree in my neighborhood
10. Take Sarge back to the humane society where I got him 6 weeks ago (as an impulse buy because I thought I needed more companionship than the 2 dogs and 4 cats I already had) because I now realize what an idiot I am
11. Go to oil change place to get oil changed in my car that should have been 2000 miles ago
12. Go to car wash to get my floorboards steam cleaned to remove the coolant from the heater core leak that I just got fixed this past week that should have been fixed a month ago
13. Go to my mother's-in-law house to pick up my youngest daughter and help my mother-in-law set-up my kids' old bunk beds until they are either completed or I can come up with an excuse to leave early because I really don't want to be there and/or I can't figure out how the bunk beds go together
14. Take a nap
15. Wake up from nap until either well rested or until 1 of the kittens decides to play with my fingers and/or toes
16. Go to the grocery store and chase my 3 year old daughter all over the store, telling her "no" every 23.5 seconds (Don't make list because I will just forget it at home anyway)
17. By this time, I have completely forgotten to eat anything today because I didn't put it on my to-do list, so make dinner. (Let's be realistic...just order a pizza.)
18. Give my 3 year old daughter a bath
19. Clean up the bathroom that is now covered in soap, suds and water because she kept forgetting something she wanted to play with in the tub
20. Help my 3 year old daughter brush her teeth
21. Do prayers and put my 3 year old daughter to bed
22. Check on 3 year old daughter every 5 minutes to make sure she's not playing, hopping, jumping or running around her room and/or is trying to either flood the house or burn it down.
23. Once 3 year old daughter is asleep, do 8 loads of laundry
24. Wash face, brush teeth, go to the bathroom (because by now I have completely forgotten to pee all day) and try to go to sleep
25. Turn on TV to see if either Star Wars, Episodes I-VI is on or watch the Discovery Channel because I can't sleep
26. Get up and go outside to talk to the neighbors for 2 hours
27. Go back to bed and try to sleep
28. Continue to watch TV
29. Go to the bathroom because I have now had a few beers with the neighbors that have kicked in
30. Fall asleep with 2 dogs and 2 kittens in my bed

Live Each Day to its Fullest

2007-04-24T10:38:00.000-07:00

The television in my bedroom is on a timer and turns on automatically in the morning. So I woke up today to the news that nine soldiers were killed in Iraq overnight. I sat straight up in bed and waited for the location of this tragedy. When I heard it was just outside of Baghdad, I had a sigh of relief. But then I heard that those killed and injured were paratroopers from the 82nd Airborne Division from Ft Bragg, NC. This is Steven’s home base for Special Operations where he took his training for Civil Affairs. My sigh of relief quickly turned into sympathy for those wives and children who woke up to a Commander and a Chaplain at their door to tell them their loved ones were killed in action. This is every military wife’s worst nightmare.

As an Army Reservist wife, this is something I have had to prepare for. Before Steven left, I researched national cemeteries and discussed various options with him. We settled on a place that allows for wives to be buried with their husbands when the time comes and also offers full military style funerals. Around this country, people prepare for their deaths every day: They pick their cemeteries, pay for their plots and headstones ahead of time, and even write down specific instructions for their funerals. But this was not your ordinary experience. Steven does not like to talk about death, so even choosing a cemetery with him was difficult but necessary. He also had to get his will in order before he left. In my file cabinet, I now have a file folder titled, “Just in case, God forbid”. It contains the information on his funeral and his will. I hope I never have to use it, which brings me to the wives of those nine soldiers killed in Baghdad overnight: I wonder if they had a similar file in their filing cabinet…

Someone asked me this morning if I live in fear every single day that he’s gone. I looked him square in the eye and told him “no”. I cannot allow myself to wallow in self pity day after day. It would not be fair to my children, family or friends. I have a live to life and he has a job to do. He is proud to serve his country and do his duty. Am I counting down the days until he gets home? Absolutely! (380 more days to go.) But, living in fear and crying incessantly will not solve anything, nor will it make me feel any better. All I can do is trust his training and believe that his battle buddies will have his back if/when the time comes.

This is the life we both chose. He chose to serve and I chose to support him. Life is much too short to worry about things that are completely out of my control. God grants me serentity each day and walks with me on this brief journey. So, in the meantime, I live each day to its fullest and count down the days until he gets home.

My Life as the Wife of a Deployed Soldier

2007-04-20T07:51:00.000-07:00

Over the past three and a half weeks, my life has changed. Not necessarily for the worse, but it is different. I suddenly find myself as taking on the role of both mom and dad since my husband left for Iraq. Before I met Steven, I was a single mother of two daughters. So, playing the single parent role is not new to me. However, the difference now is we have added another daughter to our brood and I am not "technically" single.

I always knew in the back of my head that my husband would one day join the military. It was hard-wired into his brain. He was in ROTC in high school. He was an avid military history buff and always watched the news and followed the war in the middle east. I could see in his eyes how badly he wanted to join and follow his dreams, but he was afriad of leaving me and the girls behind. We discussed it and eventually I made him understand that I was supportive of his decision and gave him my blessing. At first, some of our friends and family made comments about how selfish it was of him to want to join the Army. They did not understand that this was Steven's dream, and farbeit for me to stand in the way of that dream. How many of us are lucky enough in life to be doing exactly what we want to do for a living AND love doing it? He loves his job and that in turn, makes me happy.

Steven is in Kirkuk which is in northern Iraq. For the most part, it's quiet there. There is trouble brewing, and whispers of a civil war in that area are prevelent. But, I try not to think about that. His job in the Army Reserves is Civil Affairs, which falls under Specials Operations. In layman's terms, he is essentially a laiason between the civilian population and the military. Steven knows his job and does it well, so I try not to worry about him too much.

Back home, life can get a bit stressful. I am dealing with a 12 year old in the throes of puberty with a definite pre-teen attitude, a 9 year old who is constantly dealing with the middle-child syndrome and a 3 year old who, in the past ten months, has flooded the house with a bathtub and started a fire by accidentally knocking the turtle's heat lamp into my laundry basket. Then there are the dogs, the cats, the rat and the turtle to keep up with. There's laundry, cooking, house cleaning, errands to run, work, and other things to keep me busy.

I almost feel like I have adjusted too quickly to Steven being gone. Maybe it's because I am so used to him not being around because of his night civilian job as well as the multiple times he's left for 2-3 weeks on military business. Either way, I feel a bit guilty that I don't miss him more. I'm sure that as time goes by and weeks turn into months, that will change. Don't get me wrong. I miss my husband terribly. I miss his laugh, his smile, his goofy sense of humor and the way he used to make a bad day not seem quite so bad. I miss how he played with my hair while he tried to go to sleep at night and I miss snuggling with him when watching a movie together. I miss watching him play Barbies with our daughter and I miss watching him try to steal kisses from our 2 oldest daughters who feel they are too old for kisses.

I guess the hardest part about Steven being gone is that my best friend is no longer just a simple phone call away. There have been numerous times I have picked up my cell phone to call him because I was either having a bad day or because something good happened. Then I realize he's not here and I put the phone down. We talked all the time, multiple times, throughout the day. Now, getting a phone call from him once every 3 days is hard. He does email me, but it's not the same. I find myself looking at my friends with their significant others and I feel myself getting jealous.

There are only 384 more days until he gets back from Iraq. I know...it's sad that I'm keeping track. But, sometime in the next 6 months he should be back for 2 weeks of R&R. I plan on sitting on the couch next to him and snuggling with him the whole time he's home. Just the prospect of getting to hold him for 2 weeks is enough incentive to keep my head up and do what I have to do until he gets home.

I am an Army wife. They say it's the toughest job in the Army. I think Steven's job is tougher. All I can do is keep things going smoothly here so he won't worry while he's there. He is my entire life. Next to my children, he is the best thing that ever happened to me. As each day goes by, I will miss him more. But hopefully each day will make me stronger and he can be proud of how I managed without him for a while.

The Earth Will Continue to Spin

2007-01-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

My husband answered the phone yesterday, and by the time he hung up, we were both in tears. January 25, 2007 is a day I will always remember.

My husband has received his orders and is leaving on February 1. He is headed to Ft Bragg, North Carolina for a few months and will then be deployed to Iraq.

I don't have much more to say except that I love my husband very, very much. I will miss him and will worry about him on a daily basis. I may feel sorry for myself from time to time. But it is what it is, and it will be what it will be. It's all in God's hands now. Some days may be particularly hard for me, but I will pull myself together and will continue to get on with my life until he gets home. Afterall, just because my life is changing and is about to get complicated, doesn't mean life will stop. The earth will continue to spin.