The Loony Adventures of Goonie

Don't Mess with Goonie

2009-06-15T21:39:00.007-10:00

Woman went to Texas for ten days...

And all she brought me was this lame t-shirt.

Oh, and all of these other presents.

I can only imagine all of the horrible things she could pack into ten days.

She probably let young children play with guns.

Told some baby goats the secret ingredient in cabrito tacos.

Caught rides with strangers.

Made friends with cows...

Then stuffed her face with their brethren.

I can see her starting fires.

Breaking an old horse's spirit, not to mention it's back.

I can even imagine her adopting a sweet little burro in need of a good home.

Then letting her friends take turns beating it.

I mean sure, maybe the neighbors shot a coyote, but only Woman would string up a donkey.

I sure didn't miss her evil ways.

But I'll still take the presents.

Don't mess with Goonie!

The Call of the Falls!

2009-05-03T20:36:00.007-10:00

It was yet another gorgeous warm sunny day here and I was just sick to death of it so Woman & I decided to head up to the cool dark forest for a hike. We wound all the way up the hills of Manoa to the Manoa Falls trail head before Woman realized she needed cash to park & fresh batteries for her camera. Down we wound to a 7-11 and up we wound again.

Her poor planning makes me sick so I puked all over her car.

Now let's get hiking!

Look at me! I'm on LOST. I think I hear the smoke monster coming!

Come on, fatty, this way to the falls!

Is this it? I haven't been this disappointed since Zac Efron turned down a roll in the Footloose remake.

Oh wait, I think I hear them up ahead. But I'm still upset about the Zac Efron thing.

We had to cross through this creepy forest. Woman was scared so I stayed close to her.

Hiking gets me hopped up on endorphines.

Keep up, Woman! We're almost there!

It's nice and all...

But now I have to pee.

Easter on Oahu

2009-04-12T17:33:00.007-10:00

It was another lovely day on Oahu and Woman told me she had a surprise for me! We jumped in the car & headed up to cliffs.

Were we going hang gliding? Having surf lessons? I was giddy with excitement.

Duped again. It's an Easter photo shoot. Looks like I get to be the bunny. Hippity hoppity.

Luckily there were too many witnesses for her to put me in a dress this year.

And I got some good stuff in my Easter basket.

Happy Easter!

Top of the Mornin'

2009-03-18T22:44:00.005-10:00

Kiss me, I'm Irish!

No, not you, Woman! Now fetch me a Guinness and some corned beef!

This beer is German and it's light! No Irish food, either?

What do you mean you didn't plan a St. Paddy's party for me? I demand a party this instant!

A hula skirt, some green toys, a beer & a pickle?

Goonie is not amused.

Adios, Mi Amigo

2009-02-20T21:32:00.010-10:00

I had really let myself go since turning four last month, so I got online to find a way to keep my three year old figure without any extra effort on my part. I found the perfect solution on a Mexican pharmaceutical site... a tapeworm egg! Arriba!

After the postman delivered my little friend, I quickly swallowed him and named him Pancho. I gave him a whole back story about growing up happy but poor on the streets of Chihuahua, Mexico, until the day he learned he had been sold as a mail order tapeworm by his father, who needed a new sombrero.

All was going swimmingly with my little friend & I, as I ate whatever I wanted without gaining an ounce. I was happy as a worm with a new sombrero until Woman caught on. And catch on she did, to little Pancho, who was hanging out of my bum. Ay dios mio!

She pulled and pulled but part of him broke off and remained behind. I promptly named his remaining half Lefty. She took sweet Pancho off to the veterinarian but they couldn't revive him. R.I.P. dear friend, we hardly knew thee.

Upon Woman's return, she gave me something delicious off a spoon. I thought she was trying to make nice...

Until she started laughing maniacally and informed me that she had just poisoned what was left of Lefty. She's diabolical. And she owes me 510 pesos.

Hot Stud

2009-02-14T18:24:00.008-10:00

Want to be my Valentine?

Get in line.

Here, Woman, you can have these back now.

On second thought, I may need them later tonight.

Na na na na na na!

2009-01-14T21:24:00.005-10:00

Today is my birthday! Na na na na na na! Happy birthday to Goon!

I've got presents to open, have my party clothes on, Woman put a stupid hat on my head...

and I've got CAKE!

Low carb beef cake with cheese frosting. Oh, she spoils me, she really does.

Wait a minute! Where did it all go? Woman must have been stealing bites off my plate. That cow.

So, I opened my presents... got a barbell because, well, you can never be too fit. And I got a new ball & a diamond "G" from Tiffany's to bling up my harness. And then, just when I had decided it would never happen, I opened it. My iPhone. I licked it to make sure it was authentic.

It was! So I ran into the other room and Fandango'd myself a ticket to the midnight showing of Twilight.

Mele Kalikimaka!

2008-12-25T14:02:00.007-10:00

Santa came.... and seems to have left his stupid hat behind. Senile old fart.

I'm too cool for this crap. Anywho, these are my presents and my new bed.

Now that that's out of the way it's iPhone time! Gimme gimme gimme!

WHERE'S MY iPHONE, WOMAN? Er, I mean Santa?

BALLS! It's nothing but balls! Why? Whyyyyyyy? I've been good-ish all year!

Oh well, I guess I got some decent swag. And my birthday is just a few weeks away, hint hint.

Mele Kalikimaka, y'all!

The Fat Guy

2008-12-24T19:16:00.008-10:00

It's Christmas Eve, fa la la la. If you are waiting up for Santa you will be sorely disappointed. He & Mrs. C are kicking it Obama style in the islands this year. I would complain about the antlers Woman shoved on my head but Santa promised me an iPhone so I'm good.

I dare say, Santa tastes like sugar cookies!

Turkey Day Time Machine

2008-11-27T19:45:00.019-10:00

I was watching a Michael J. Fox marathon & got the idea to pimp out our Honda Fit, go back in time, take Woman to the Under the Sea dance & post this on Thanksgiving Day three weeks after it actually happened.

Turkey: Check
Sides: Check
Side of Humiliation: CHECK

That was their spread. Here was mine. Please Woman, can I 'ave some more?

Wow. Six bites of turkey over dog food. I could eat better at a soup kitchen. But I was famished, so...

I ate it anyways. You know, because time travel makes you hungry.

My Little Halloween

2008-10-29T22:57:00.013-10:00

What do I want? Death to Woman!

When do I want it? Like, 10 minutes ago, but anytime between then & next Halloween will do.

I think pee revenge is too light a punishment. This calls for Dutch Oven asphyxiation.

If you can't tell, I'm a "My Little Pony". Some character called Baby Starbow. Um, um, um, do I look like I was alive during the eighties?

This may be retro but it's definitely not hetero.

Jerry Gets Skooled

2008-09-30T19:56:00.010-10:00

Ah... fall has flung! The leaves aren't changing and I haven't had much use for my corduroy jacket... it's really smart looking with contrasting elbow patches... but with the autumn comes the start of school. Our very own Jerry Bob has enrolled in the AEC program through the UH system to become a CAD Technician. I attacked, I mean, I greeted him nicely at the door as he arrived home from his first day of school.

He jumped right into study mode & I figured there was no harm in picking up some learning for myself. Maybe I'll audit his classes so he can cheat off of me.

Oy! I 'm not done with that page yet! Unhand the book!

What is this rubbish anyway? "How to Win Friends and Influence People"? What do you be when you grow up? The next Dr. Phil?

I guess he already has the hairdo for it. Am I right or am I right?

I'm right. Guess I'll just study my toys instead.

Puppy Party

2008-08-26T22:37:00.009-10:00

So, last month Woman came home with a party invite for yours truly. Da Goon loves to party so I put on my favorite designer tee and was ready to go! Unfortunately, Woman felt compelled to carry me around in a baby carrier. It makes it tre difficult to meet babes when you yourself are in a baby carrier.

So we roll into the party and I realize that I have been duped. It was a puppy's birthday party! It was Danni's one year birthday and she recked of puppy breath. I nearly vomited in my mouth.

But she did have a good looking cake so I sucked it up & put on my happy face.

Before I got my cake, however, I had to watch Jerry eat a burger. Yes, that is how he eats. I think he was feral.

But, before I knew it, I had a moist delicious slice of cake laid out before me. I was totally excited but I kept my cool.

And since I still don't have an iPhone, I didn't even bother to look up the calorie count before diving in.

After all, it was just one bites worth. I could burn that off with a game of Wii Tennis.

So, overall, if I had to rate the day, I would give the smug little puppies a zero, Woman a negative five million & the cake a perfect ten.

Happy 4th of July!

2008-07-04T14:05:00.004-10:00

Let's gorge ourselves on hot dogs & set off some explosives!

Wowie Maui

2008-06-24T21:48:00.011-10:00

Oh, I bet you've missed me. Feel free to blame Woman. I know I do. Her laptop is on it's last leg and she has yet to buy me a new one.

Any who... back in May, Woman & Jerry felt they could use a little vacay so they decided to head to Maui for Memorial Day weekend. Goonie's no third wheel so I called up one of my NYC girlfriends, Miss Alison.

I sent her a first class coach ticket, we loaded up the new car and took the Superferry on a 3 hour tour. A THREE... HOUR... TOUR. Of course I was ready to get out of the car & get some Maui sun but instead Woman felt the need to drive another 3 hours on the Road to Hana to a campsite at Kipahulu.

The view was nice, but the smell was not so great due to an unfortunate proximity to the port-a-potty. Nice planning Woman.

The next morning we got up for a grueling hike to a water leak.

But there were some interesting trees to pee on.

Jerry & Alison felt the compulsion to jump down the Oheo Gulch or Seven Sacred Pools.

I, on the other hand, felt some location shots would really liven up my portfolio.

We rejoined Jerry & Alison at the base of the falls where they were taking part in an ancient Hawaiian ritual.

For once, I chose Woman's grounded company.

Having seen the sights of Hana, including a black sand beach & a beach cave, it was time to load up & head back on the Hana Highway.

We did stop for refreshments along the way.

We set up camp the second night at Papalua Wayside Park between Lahaina and Kihei. It smelled much nicer.

It was tre romantic.

The next morning the girls went on a snorkel tour to Molokini.

They swam with some of these guys.

And then these dudes cruised by.

After an afternoon nap...

We checked out Lahaina then jumped back on the ferry to Oahu.

Alison finished out the week on Oahu and thoroughly enjoyed herself.

She found Hawaii so to her liking, she will be moving here in September! (She must have really liked our couch.)

Party on the Ala Wai

2008-04-29T13:11:00.005-10:00

So, back at Melrose Place Billy & Allison decided to have a potluck and invite the whole building. Jerry & Woman obviously didn't have any other plans and my date with a Papillon fell through at the last minute so I tagged along. Sadly, there was nothing low carb in the buffet.

On my way to the bar, I spotted a gorgeous brunette.

I quickly ran home & threw on a fierce outfit.

And leapt into her arms to confess my undying love.

Her name is Connie and she digs me.

Later on, I was hanging with my girl when suddenly I spotted a gorgeous Adonis. I leapt into his arms to confess my undying love.

So, Bruce, where ya from?

The rest of the night was kind of a blur.

Hippity Hoppity

2008-03-23T22:22:00.008-10:00

Oh goody goody. Easter is here. Twenty dollars Woman puts me in a dress by 10:00 am. What time is it?

DAMN HER! I wonder if a jump in the canal would kill me. Maybe I should push her in first to check.

Oh, she's lucky I was distracted by presents!

Do I look macho with this football or do the gay bunny ears cancel it out?

Maffy Heaster!

Thar She Blows!

2008-03-03T21:48:00.005-10:00

Sunday, I went for a hikey-poo to Makapu'u Lighthouse. I brought along Woman & her friend Rachel to carry my water and take pictures of me looking outdoorsy for my portfolio.

It was two miles uphill so I took lots of breaks so the ladies could rest. I wasn't tired at all.

Here is the view of the lighthouse from the top.

This is looking towards Waimanalo Bay. We saw some whales & a sea turtle.

This is Rachel. She said I was heavy so I farted in her car on the ride home. Several times.

Here is one of many chicks who dig me. There was another ankle bitter there that said I looked like a fat poodle. He probably weighed 40 lbs., while I am a lean 20 lbs. Okay, 22 lbs, but who's the real fatty? The kid! And Maestro. Maestro is fat.

I climbed this rock for some extra calf muscle work.

Then I couldn't get down so I made Woman carry me. Two miles down hill.

But it wasn't because I was tired.

No, I just thought she could use some upper body work.

Aloha Waikiki

2008-02-24T19:54:00.004-10:00

So our lease is up at the end of the month & I found us a lovely new place in Waikiki. I needed Woman & Jerry to sign some papers and write one of those check thingys so we walked down to the new apartment last Saturday.

Goodbye Ala Moana, Hello Waikiki!

And hel-lo boys!

So we are walking along enjoying the day when we run into Maestro. A one year old version of myself. I can practically smell the puppy food on his breath. What a fatty. And he isn't even altered. How un-PC. So I told him I hated him and Woman apologized for my behavior and on we went. Good riddance!

Here is our new apartment building. People are real friendly like it's Melrose Place or something.

The canal is across the street & the beach is three blocks away.

So we toured the new pad & ended up moving that day. Here is the entry into the living/ dining area.

And the kitchen with the bath & bedroom down the hall.

As papers were being signed, some neighbors dropped by to introduce themselves and they all said the same thing... "Oh, he looks just like Maestro!" That's right. The fat puppy is my new neighbor. Ugh. I hope it's not a long lease.

Quarter-life Crisis

2008-01-15T12:25:00.000-10:00

Well, yesterday I turned three. Ugh, I feel so ancient. Thank goodness I don't look a day over eighteen months.

Woman & Jerry threw me a surprise party. The big surprise was that no one else showed up. What wasn't surprising was the pink tiara Woman made me wear. I really do hate her.

Woman made a chicken & oatmeal cake with peanut butter frosting. Here I am licking off the frosting. I'm very dainty like that.

Umm, then I may have gotten a bit carried away but it was sooo worth it. I hope Woman & Jerry didn't expect me to share.

What? I've something on my face? Never mind, let's open presents.

Hang on! This isn't an iPhone! What does a dog have to do to get an iPhone around here?

Okay, that was fun. Let's go to the dog park so I can hit on some puppies & make myself feel better. I'll save the convertible for my mid-life crisis.

2008 Resolutions

2008-01-13T20:00:00.000-10:00

Well, it's 2008 so I reckon I should make some resolutions. (We're watching the newest installment of Lonesome Dove so I'm using words like reckon.)

Obviously, my first resolution is to inflict bodily harm on Woman.

Resolution two is to get a minimum of fifteen hours of sleep a day.

Resolution Three: Reduce carbs until I see a reduction in the size of my behind.

And finally, this is the year I shall become the ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPION!

There, that should do it.

The Christmas Kitty

2007-12-31T13:02:00.000-10:00

Well, that was quite the extended turkey coma, wasn't it?

The fault, of course, lies with Woman. Ever since she brought that feline into our house, her laptop has been pushed aside. I can do a lot for a dog, but I can't manage to slide that little plastic bar that opens her laptop. I was hoping for an iPhone for Christmas but was sadly disappointed. At least I have new balls.

LEAVE US!

Jerry was maniacally happy about the streamers & basket for his new bike. He's such a girl sometimes.

Back to Woman's new kitty. I loathe her & am terrified of what it means for me. Woman has that evil glint in her eye again.

A few weeks ago, I went downtown to take Christmas photos with a couple of fatties for my Holiday card.

Whoops-a-daisy, that's the wrong side! Oh, I am so bad. Here are the original fatties on the back of our card.

Didn't get one in the mail? Well, print it out here, slap it on your fridge & stop whining.

Here's to a good New Year's Eve & a bad champagne hangover on New Year's day! I have plans with a Yorkie down the hall so don't wait up.

Turkey Day

2007-11-22T21:41:00.000-10:00

Death to all turkeys!

Woman made us walk all the way to Zippy's to pick up take-out turkey dinners & then down to Waikiki for a picnic.

If she is too lazy to cook Thanksgiving dinner for us, the least she could do is go pick it up herself. Am I right?

Jerry passed out from the effort. He nearly died.

After our store bought dinners, we walked down by the marina.

I dug a hole in the sand...

And then I urinated in it! Ha! I bet you didn't see that coming!

Here's the pervert who takes photos of people urinating. Yes, that is Woman. She finally dares to show her face.

On a whim, I decided to banish the sun. It just acts so smug sometimes.

Begone!

Oh my. That actually worked! I wonder what other powers I possess?

Maybe I should try to summon up some cute sailors...

Adventure?

2007-11-12T20:33:00.000-10:00

I have been dying for an adventure but between Woman's boogie board habit & Jerry's football addiction, I've had to settle for the local dog run. Well, imagine my surprise when Woman told me we were going for an outing! We walked & I sniffed & before I knew it we were at a beautiful waterfall!

Are we at Manoa Falls? Kapena Falls? I was so awed by the beauty! But, wait a minute... what the devil?

I've been bamboozled! This is the Hawaiian Hilton Village in Waikiki! And I seriously doubt that Slurpee in Woman's hand came from a Shave Ice stand on the North Shore. Oh well, at least I look good for the tourists.

Happy Hula-ween!

2007-10-31T16:59:00.000-10:00

As I do every October, I have been tearing off the pages of my Harry Potter Page-A-Day desk calendar with mounting dread. Oh, what has she cooked up this year? Over the past two years, Woman has dressed me as a Poodle & as a Sea Lion for Halloween. Sure, I win tons of prizes & accolades, but really, it's so embarrassing. Well, we did my Halloween photo shoot this weekend & I dare say, I look quite fetching... even though I'd prefer to be a red head.

I was going for a pin-up girl look here...

Well, I may not fill out my coconut bra, but I do know how to work it for the camera.

So, have a Happy Halloween... if you must.