An Ever Fixed Mark

Missed Connections

2008-10-13T13:00:00.004-04:00

I was supposed to go the the NYC festival this weekend, I had been looking forward to going as production at school was going to hit full force very soon and I would not have the time I do right now. Our plan was to leave Friday and drive down with friends. Wednesday I started to feel under the weather. Thursday I felt like crap, and was having a hard time breathing, and the stairs at work were killing me when normally I run up and down them all day. With reservations, I did go to practica on Thursday, but I did not dance. Sorin was DJing, and I had some things to give to some friends, so I went, but I sat aside, away from everyone, and watched. Friday morning, I knew it was all over. I was sick sick sick. I decided not to go, I did not know if I would recover in time to attend any of the milongas, I did not want to be ill in someone else's house, and I did not want to get anyone else ill. Even if I felt better by Sunday or Monday, there was no guarantee I would not infect someone, as I did not know if it was the flu or a cold or what it was. So I missed a weekend full of friends and dancing.
Which I was sad about. But now I am angry about.

I went dancing last Tuesday at my favorite milonga, and I heard yesterday from a friend who send me a lovely message about feeling better, and mentioned that so-and-so, who was at the Tuesday milonga, was just getting over something similar. Apparently this person went to the milonga feeling ill, but "well enough to dance."

If you are feeling under the weather - DO NOT GO DANCE!!! Even if you feel "well enough", you are probably going to infect those you dance with, and possibly those at the water table, or those you sit next to, or those you cough near. I should not have gone to practica at all on Thursday, but I promised to deliver something, so I went, and I tried my best to stay away from people. So yes, not the best idea, but I tried to minimize any damage to others.

I mean, close embrace, it is lovely, intimate, and, well close! You share breathing space. And if you have some germs looking to party in a new space, you share those too. And usually I prefer to do my partying with those who are not looking to invade my immune system.

So please, this is the season for all those crazy little germs, and festivals, so lets make sure to share connection, and not illness.

Pride AND Prejudice in Tango

2008-10-03T08:57:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I am amazed at the level of prejudice and arrogance that exists still today. And it's creepy little hold even extends to tango. Although I think what amazes me more is that people seem to think it is ok to voice these prejudices. Just don't voice them to me, because I have a tongue and I am not afraid to use it.

Recent conversation steamed me to the point of my Irish getting up into the stratosphere. It was said to me at a recent tango event, that they could not possibly dance with someone who was gay, and it was beyond their understanding why there should be a gay/lesbian practica. I was floored for about three seconds, and then asked them how on earth would they know if their partner was gay? Well, of course this person would know, they "would not be able to connect."

Bhuah?

Uhm, hate to tell you my friend, but you HAVE danced with a partner who plays for the other team, and you did not seem to mind one bit.

I simply said that I had danced with gay men, and gay women, and had simply marvelous connections. So that little statement does not hold water.

There was some persistence on the other person's part on how being gay in tango was an issue, and I just felt the need to stop being polite to this person in this conversation.

Why the hell does anyone think that someone's sexual alignment has anything to do with their ability to connect in the dance? It's absurd. And it pissed me off. Although what actually got my fuse lit was the fact that it was said to me in such an off-handed way, as though there was no doubt in this person's head that of course I would agree with them. And why would anyone want to keep the scope of our tango community limited? It's the same as saying "Oh, blondes should not dance tango, I just can't connect with them because I am sexually attracted to brunettes." It has no bearing whatsoever and just makes you sound like the exit side of a donkey.

The Last of the Longas....

2008-09-30T09:01:00.000-04:00

This past weekend was the last LongaMilonga in Providence. It was a bittersweet celebration. Hundreds of people came, laughed, danced, talked and celebrated a Milonga that had made a name for itself in the tango community.

I was determined to last until the end. I never had, I always lost my wind around 4am or so. But this night, I wanted to stay up to the bitter end. So I made sure to pace myself, made sure to make the night last. My dance card was full, I had a lovely night. A night that went all the way to 6am, and we were not the last ones standing. But, in order to safely drive home, we left. I felt good about it though, I did not feel as though we left too early. Which was the important thing.

It was slightly strange to look around, see all the faces both new and well known, and dance through the night, knowing that although there may be other events at PT, this will not happen again. It seemed sort of wrong to be having such a good time, and then I realized that actually it would have been wrong to not have a good time, being melancholy would not have helped anyone. Why mourn when you can celebrate! And that we did. I brought my camera with me, with every intention of photographing the moments that happened, but I was so in those moments, that to tear myself away to search for the camera and stand on the sidelines, seemed like a foreign concept. So I did not, and I just have my memories to go on. Which I rather like :-)

The night also brought back memories of my first LongaMilonga, where I sat most of the night and watched from the couches. It's a tough crowd, and one where beginners can certainly feel discouraged, which I remember distinctly feeling myself. Although it also lit a fire under my stilettos because I wanted to be one of the followers who was dancing all night. When you are placed in an environment where the enticement is how you dance, your embrace, and your connection - not your clothes, your shoes, your hair - it is a Darwin moment. And actually, your clothes, shoes and hair can work against you rather than for you! The reactions to that moment are varied, but it certainly is something that makes an impression. It is a little jarring to come from a community where one would dance a good portion of the night, for whatever reason, and be dropped into a situation where the rules are the same, but the stakes are different, higher. I had a couple of conversations during the height of LM with new dancers who just looked shell shocked. I tried to convey that this is part of the growing pain of tango, when you leave your comfort zone, where you are known, and jump into a larger pond, where you are not known yet and have to start all over in a sense in order to become known. Some seemed to have that fire in the back of their eyes that said "I want to get there!" and others who seemed to shrink back and yearn for their comfort zone. It was very interesting to be on the other side of that Festival Fear. For the LongaMilonga was sort of a mini festival in a way. I did not know how to tell them about overcoming that level, which looks like a solid rock face cliff. But I knew if they wanted to, they would find a way.

Overheard phrases and my interpretations

2008-09-22T16:36:00.004-04:00

Things overheard on my commute this morning

*Overheard phone conversation waiting for the train
"Are you sure that is what the results are? Is it possible that the test is a false positive? Should I come back in for more bloodwork or do you need more samples? I can't possibly have that!"

My interpretation. Man contracted something or other from someone other than his wife, and is desperate to not have to tell her. Instead, he would rather tell the entire platform of the 9:09am train. Can you say TMI?!

*On commuter rail, men behind me
"Well, Rebecca is 15 years younger than me, but still, that was not right."
Seatmate
"What do you mean?"
Man
"Well, she told me I lost the match because I am older and slower than her."
Seatmate
"Harsh."
Man
"Yea, hell of an apology! I mean, doesn't she care how it looks for her to win?!"

My interpretation
Wealthy older man is upset because his trophy wife is not playing by the rules and is confused why she is not being a trophy 24 hours a day. She had the audacity to beat him in a tennis match and then not apologize for winning. He is shocked and amazed. He is even more amazed that she thinks he is old. Seatmate knows about the wife's affair with the tennis instructor, but can't say anything because he's begun dating the Man's second ex-wife.

*Conversation between two girls behind me walking up Huntington Ave

"Well of course I did not do the reading! I had to go to Tommy's party this weekend, and there was just no time! I mean.... you know.... I had stuff to do, I can't be expected to drop everything to read three chapters! Ya know?"
Friend
"Mm-hm. But that was just awful that she called you on it in class! I mean, you know, half of us didn't do the reading... she did not have to pick on you!"
Girl
"I know! I wonder if my dad should call someone about that...."

My interpretation
Two girls had no idea that when they decided to go to college they would actually have to work and study because they have been getting by on charm and perfume for years now. They are so used to Daddy stomping on anyone who intrudes on their world with reality, that they don't know how to deal with reality now that they are immersed in it.

Some days I just love figuring out other people's issues... especially when they hang up all this dirty laundry for everyone to see!

Hey TangoBaby!

2008-09-17T12:56:00.007-04:00

Just because I know you would appreciate it.... Here is my first project for my costume production class this semester....

I am recreating this look from 1950's Dior......
I'll post my progress. I am so excited!

I am also taking a millinery class, so maybe I will make the little hat too.... ooooh!

Wonderful Oddness

2008-09-17T12:56:00.003-04:00

Last night was my happy milonga - Odd Tuesday. It was packed and it was wonderful. I had a great time, had lovely dances, and felt like I was moving rather well. There were new faces, favorite faces, and one famous face whom I did not realize was famous until today. Ah well. If we dance with the gods, will we realize that they are mortal? (That's my justification and I am stickin to it!)

I really and truly did not have one bad dance last night. I danced until I could not dance any more, until my feet were sore and numb at the same time. I needed that. The music was really good, the walls had new artwork that was interesting and beautiful, the air was just the right temperature - the planets aligned, the angels sang and somewhere a fairy was laughing.
Ok, maybe it was not quite that level of magic, but it was pretty darn close! The only thing that would have made it better was if it and I could have lasted longer.

I danced with a beginner who has been bitten by the tango bug, we talked music, we talked style, we talked about those moments of excitement when you get something elusive. I danced with someone I have not danced with in about 6 months, and it was really fun and made me realize that I miss dancing with him. I danced with a friend who just came back from BsAs, we talked about everything. And, of course, I danced with Sorin - which was possibly the best dance of the night. We connected, we communicated, and we had fun. What more can you ask for?

It is funny, a night like last night makes me happy and inspires me to keep growing and dancing, because I want more nights like that. Lately I have had some dances that made me feel all of my shortcomings. I don't believe that was intentional on the leader's behalf, it is just the way it went. I was being challenged in ways I did not yet know how to meet. Which both fires me up and dampens me down. It makes me want to get better so that I can meet the challenge. And it depresses me that I am not there yet. Where ever there is.

So now I am feeling inspired from both sides of the tango coin. From challenges I have not been able to meet, and from situations where I just felt like I was on top of the world.
Lucky me, I have two great events coming up in my home town - workshops with Felipe and Rosa and then in a little over a month - Tango de los Muertos!

It never stops.....
:-)

Back to the Beginning of Leading

2008-09-05T11:31:00.005-04:00

Thursday night I practiced leading with another beginner leader/experienced follower. It was fun to try to remember all that I had forgot, considering the last I lead was before my adventures in Tanglewood this summer. I'm having a hard time leading the cross in close embrace, but can do it in open. In fact, I can do more in open than in close at the moment. It seems I need more close embrace practice. But we had a blast, switching off leads, helping each other figure out why things were and were not working. And I had a small "whoosh" moment. The "whoosh" comes from a workshop I took with Mila and Korey, and it is a feeling that you share with your follower on a dynamic pivot or turn. They were doing it on steps that were far beyond my current leading skills. But what I did discover was a molinette lead to my left and as she took the final step forward, I led a fast pivot round on her left foot so that she would step forward to my right. And then I was so shocked that it worked, I inadvertently lead her to a back cross and ocho out of the move. Now if I can only figure out how I did that.... it would be cool! But that never happened again when I was thinking
about it. But I practiced the molinette and pivot combination a few times until I felt I had it sort of down, and I just felt so incredibly happy with it.

One tiny step forward onto the path. But it was a step forward, and for a follower, that is huge. ;-)

open to the possibilities

2008-08-25T13:10:00.005-04:00

There is something really great about discovering a connection with someone you dance with for the first time. Sometimes it is also the first time you meet them. Keeping yourself open to possibilities is one of the exciting aspects of tango as far as I am concerned. Yes, there are leaders whom I look forward to dancing with whenever we are at the same milonga, but finding new favorites is just as wonderful. In chatting with someone recently, they mentioned that they only dance with those whom they already know that they will have a good connection with. I found that so limiting and, well, bizarre. Because in order to find out that there was a good connection, there had to be a moment of discovery, so why cut yourself off from that opportunity?

This discovery happened twice to me this last weekend in Providence. I danced with someone I have seen before at different venues and cities, but for whatever reason we never danced before, so I was thrilled when he asked me to dance as I had liked watching him dance with others. And I danced with someone who was visiting from the other side of the country and I had never met before, but again, I had seen him dancing during the night and thought he would be awfully fun to dance with.

Both were great in completely different ways, and I was so happy to find two such wonderful new connections. There is that trill of excitement that runs through you during the first moment of the first dance as you find the connection in the embrace and realize that this was going to be wonderful. Hearing your leader's musicality, hearing what he hears in the music, offering what you hear and feel. And then creating the music together.

It doesn't really get much better than that. :-)

First real tango trauma

2008-08-24T12:23:00.004-04:00

So last night was the second to last LongaMilonga in Providence. An era is coming to an end.

I had a great time there, despite a tango injury. I decided to try giving myself pedicures, because my toe nails had bruises and scrapes on them from floorcraft collisions, and they were just not as pretty as I wanted. So I bit the bullet and bought some really pretty dark blood red nail polish and tried to pretty up my tootsies. Seemed to work. And last night, I was dancing with a particularly athletic leader, and felt a sharp pain in my left big toe from something or other that caused me to scrape my own foot. I thought not much on it and continued dancing. Although at the end of the song, my foot felt odd. I looked down, did not see anything, shrugged, and continued the tanda. Half way through this song however, my foot felt decidedly squishy. Like wet sand squishy. And a little painful too. I made it through the song, looked down again, did not see anything. Bent down this time, and saw that my toes were covered in blood. oops. Guess blood red was not the best choice for nail polish! Excused myself to the bathroom where I discovered that I had removed most of my toenail and it was barely hanging on. (Insert dance of uncomfortable heebie jeebies here. I certainly did, only my left leg was in the sink as I did it.)

Hoo boy. And of course, once I saw I was hurt, I started to feel pain. So I cleaned my foot and my shoe (oh! My shoe! Stained!) as best I could. Debated the brilliance of removing the toenail that was sort of hanging on. Decided I just could not bring myself to do that. Found a large band-aid, some gauze and tape and wrapped that sucker up tight. Hobbled back to the floor to find some sympathy from Sorin, and wondered what to do. I did not want to stop dancing, but wouldn't it be prudent to do so?

Got some Advil, took 4.

Thought some more about stopping.

Found my canvas jazz flats that I brought with me. Brought them over to my seat.
Looked at them.
Thought some more.
Slipped the left one on just to see how it would feel.
Slightly uncomfortable, but tolerable.

Milonga Sentimental by Otros Aires came on. One of my favorites....

Turned to Sorin and asked him to help me see if I could dance with my toe like this. He gave me a look and a laugh and said ok.

Didn't go too bad. Just could not raise on my toes, had to stay flat footed. OK. I could do this. So we danced the next tanda.

yea, could not really do this.

Sat down for awhile, foot propped up to stop the throbbing.

A friend who had just come back from BsAs asked me to dance later. His hip was acting up and he knew I had hurt my toe, so I figured we could still dance. It was fun, we had a good time, and then he very gently sandwiched my left foot and I just about jumped out of my skin.

sigh

So the tanda ended, I apologized for my stupid toe and I went to sit down for the rest of the milonga.

I find it amazing that something as small as a toenail can wreck such havoc on one's evening.

And of course, today is the good practica in Cambridge.... maybe if I take 4 Advil now and 4 again before we leave.......

Back in the Saddle Again

2008-08-18T10:12:00.002-04:00

5 weeks is a long time to go without tango. A long time. I did not realize just how much I was going to miss it, or how much I needed it. I always looked forward to dancing after a stressful day, as it released all the pent up energy and allowed me to relax. Well, the 5 weeks I was away were very stressful and I had no outlet. So I was amazed that I did not jump out of my own skin when I finally came home and went out to dance.

I thought I would have regressed more than I did. Don't get me wrong, I certainly did have a regression, and I am very aware of the areas that got soft, and it is upsetting. I was just having a break through in responsiveness due to the help of some wonderful leaders, and now my brain knows what we talked about, and my body is saying "whhhaaaat?" But the joy of dancing has been absolutely rediscovered.

I got home Wednesday afternoon and we went dancing that night. Just walking up the stairs, hearing the familiar strains of D'Arienzo float down to greet me, was almost enough. Opening the door to the studio allowed the music to envelop me, my first abrazo back. I felt the excitement of Christmas morning as a 4 year old. Changed shoes, and Sorin and I danced for, I don't know, three or four tandas. It was heaven. I settled into his embrace like I had never left, and off we went. A few missteps here and there, but who cares. We were dancing. The only thing that threw me that night was someone took my glasses by accident, so I had no vision and was fearful of snubbing people because I could not see them. At all. Luckily this is not a cabaceo heavy milonga, so as forms came towards me I could recognize their shapes. I had wonderful dances, and a great time despite the lack of vision. Luckily, I got my glasses back on Saturday night from the woman who took them. She just grabbed them and left, as she is one of the lucky few who does not need glasses to see. If she had put them on, she would have immediately known they were not hers since I am blind and she apparently is not. But it was a couple of worrisome days without them.
But I left floating, which has not happened in awhile. Not because my world was rocked, but because I had danced and danced well despite my hiatus. And it was so lovely to have so many people say "You're back! We missed you!"

Thursday's practica was also good as Sorin and I worked together the whole night. He was called selfish by another leader, but hey! We had not danced with each other in so long, I think we are allowed a night together! And Sunday's practica we worked together for an hour as well, and my stubborn streak resurfaced to butt heads with his stubborn streak. Luckily, we were saved by one of my favorite milongas. I heard it start and I said "This is one of my favorite milongas, could we just dance this one?" We did, it was great fun, and then arguing about colgada leads seemed so silly. I danced the last tanda of the evening with a friend, who asked how long I had been away. Her response was "5 weeks?!?! You poor thing! 5 weeks without tango.... I couldn't do that!"

And now I know, although I could, I don't want to.

Wow.....

2008-08-13T17:00:00.001-04:00

It's a small world, and words travel far....

http://www.montreal-city.info/tango_montreal.php

I am incredibly flattered by this. It made my day!

:-)

40 Days and Nights.....

2008-08-12T16:17:00.005-04:00

Today is my fortieth day in the Berkshires. I leave on the 41st. It has rained every day that I have been here. I am ready to be dry again.....
It was a challenging gig. On all counts. And it is over tomorrow.
Thank god.

I am tired, and I want to go home.

I want to sleep in my bed next to my man.
I want a shower that is not the gathering place for the house spiders.
I want to not be aggravated by directors who refuse to understand the difference between conceptual art and practical costumes.
I want to go dancing.

Although, I did get to dance for a fraction at one of the crew parties. If any of you know theatre folk... you know what crew parties can get like.... but there we all were, 12 or so of us, 8or so bottles of wine and a case of the local brew, and someone threw on a CD of swing music. My friend and coworker jumped up, he had a few beers, and grabbed me to lindy hop. Don't really know how, but his lead was so good, I did not really need to know. So suddenly we were the entertainment for everyone, bopping around the living room to some swing, and having an absolute blast. Not that I plan on giving up tango, but who knows? Maybe swing will be a fun sideline at crew parties from now on.... ;-)

However.....
I will miss the bats in the attic. They ate all the mosquitoes as they swooped around the garden at dusk.
I will miss the smell of wet grass and lilies in the morning.
I will miss the girls I dressed every night in their hooker fineries..... what a lovely group of budding professionals!
I will miss the crew, local 54, and their donut breaks... they never understood why I did not want to eat donuts twice a day......

So goodbye Tanglewood. Take care. And for goodness' sake, dry out!

Hiatus hiatus

2008-08-02T15:07:00.004-04:00

Am in the middle of my tango hiatus..... stop.....am going crazy..... stop.....send help... stop.....preferably in the form of DiSarli tango or Canaro milonga asap.......stop..... quickly!

Ha!

Really though, the first week I was here I was climbing the walls. I felt like an outdoor cat who was shut into a closet and no one heard me yowling. I literally paced when we got home at night. My roommate would laughed at me. No tango, no tv, no internet (oh, I am hijacking the theatre's internet right now as this is the one day off before we head into tech hell and there is no one here to kick me out of the office, mwuahahaha!), no car, no nothing.... except for lots of thunderstorms. One tree split in half, one patron at The Shed was struck and survived. Me, I'm staying inside, dry and electric free, while enjoying the night light shows.

Although, lucky me, my antsy-ness was alleviated one weeknd. Sorin came to visit me for a weekend a week ago and he got to experience the country with me. And dear that he is, he found a milonga that was an hour away and we went. So I had one night of dancing, which was fun. The folks in Amherst MA were very welcoming and kind. Although I rather felt like an exotic animal because when we walked in, everyone turned to look. This is a small community, everyone knows everyone, and there are no surprises. And in walks two surprises. But once they figured out that we were not looking for directions to somewhere else, they were very warm and I had a very nice night. It just felt lovely to dance with Sorin again.

Once we start tech I won't be able to miss anything, I will be too busy, which will be a blessing. Then in about two weeks, I will be back home, safe and sound. And dancing again!

Tango Hiatus

2008-07-06T12:04:00.002-04:00

I am about to leave for the wilds of Tanglewood, where there is no tv, no internet, and no tango. I'll be out there for 5 weeks. I love this gig, I've been for four years now, and I love the work, the opera and my coworkers, who are both dear friends.

But 5 weeks without tango.....

Last year was not so bad, I was a beginner, and although I was bit by the tango bug, it was not a huge deal to me to go for weeks without.
Rather odd when real life intercedes with tango and you start thinking about how to make it all work.... do the work I love and tango... ai yiyi. addicted much?

So today is my last day of tango before I leave Tuesday morning. And I am glad that it is my favorite practica, and Sorin is DJing, so it'll be three hours packed with my favorite music and leaders. I am thinking of requesting that we dance today, and not practice. I want to leave on high notes.

Speaking of high notes, I do love going out to Tanglewood in the depth of summer. I live right on the campus, in an old farmhouse that has bats in the attic, and music every night drifts over the fields and we sit on our back porch sipping wine and listening to the concerto of the evening.
Granted during the day we work like fiends, but it is all good.

I'm bringing one pair of tango shoes with me. You never know who might be a fellow out there in the Berkshires....
;-)

A taste of summer

2008-07-01T15:43:00.003-04:00

Shortly after a rogue sun shower, my favorite kind, I went out and picked mulberries from the two trees in the yard, with thoughts of making tarts. Standing on a rickety wooden ladder, I managed to collect a good amount of the sweet tart berries, much to the dismay of the birds. They hollered and hooted their displeasure at me as I took the ripest, sweetest berries in the trees. There was one very brave bird who would swoop from limb to limb on the other side of the tree from where I was perched, yelling its little head off at me as I took away their snacks. Sorry birdies. Even though I can't fly, I'm taller and have a colander. Here are the fruits of my labour..... just enough for one largish tart!

And here is the large tart! yummmmm.....

2008-06-25T18:31:00.002-04:00

There is so much to write about, and yet words fail me. Or ideas fail me. So I have not written. I have started posts, then put them aside and left them to germinate into inspiration for me to write. Which they did not do. They simply sat there looking at me, waiting for me to complete the thoughts I started.

I have had a landslide of sadness these past 6 weeks or so, along with a healthy side of worry and concern. The death of two people near and dear to me, mixed up with health scares of others near and dear to me, has put me in a funk. And tango has been a precious release for me. I have not thought about technique, I have not thought about position, posture or pointing my toes. I have simply tried to find bliss is the moment. And it has helped.

At a practica recently, I became very vehement against trying something that I did not believe would help the issue at hand. And I got mad. Really mad. And I realize now that it was because I did not want to analyze who was doing what wrong, I wanted to dance and connect. I did not want to find fault. Or look at what was wrong. I wanted to look at what was right. I wanted to feel better. If I had known that at the time, I could have verbalized it. But all I knew was that I did not want to hear what was wrong with me. Even though that was not what was being said.

This past weekend we went to NYC despite my having to be back on Monday for another funeral. Actually, we went because of my having to be back on Monday for another funeral. I lost my grief dancing. I was selfish, I did not accept any dances I did not want to have, and I also did not get to dance with everyone that I wanted to. But I found escape that night, which was what I needed. And then the next morning, sitting around the breakfast table with friends, eating french toast, nectarines and coffee, I felt relaxed. Exhausted, but relaxed.

I am going to be leaving for the wilds of Tanglewood in a couple of weeks to work on the opera, Mahagonny, and will be technology and tango free for 5 weeks. I love working out in Tanglewood, it is gorgeous and although we work long, tough hours, it is such a labour of love that it is worth being removed from the city and those I love for a little while. I was thinking of filling the time before then with classes and structure. But I think instead what I need instead is just to dance. And maybe find some healing.

A good day

2008-06-12T17:23:00.002-04:00

I was asked to be a part of a seminar on Leadership and Tango, taking the skills learned in Tango (on either side of the embrace) and applying them towards leadership skills, the attendees were all educators. My part, as well as that of a friend, was to be followers in the tango aspect, and assistants when the basic walking skills were taught to the attendees, and being the instructors' partners in the end of seminar demonstration.
Talk about pressure! Yikes!
But it was a blast. It was a room full of alpha educator leaders, who were strong in their opinions in the beginning, but then it was amazing to see them all make the connection between learning how to lead or follow in tango and the parallels they found for teaching in their fields.
My friend and I worked with different people as they learned as fill in followers or leaders. The only tango they learned was how to be comfortably close to another physically, the tango presence, leader intention, and how to walk. That was it. But you would think that we were unlocking the mysteries of the world to them! The thing that rocked my world was when they caught the idea that a follower is not a passive being who receives, but an integral part of the communication of the dance. It was like a dozen lightbulbs going off in their heads, especially when the traditional gender roles were not being used. Everyone lead. Everyone followed. I had a moment with one gentleman who "got it" while I was working with him. I rotated in as his follower, and he said to me "Oh good! Now I won't have to worry!"
"Why is that?"
He responded "Well, you know what you are doing. So I'm golden."
I gave a little laugh and said "Yes, I know how to follow reasonably well, but if there is no lead, I won't be able to contribute to our dance at all. Which makes you not so golden."
He looked at me in surprise, then I saw what I said connect and he had an Aha! moment.
At the end, all of the attendees, even the men who's wifes had obviously twisted their arms to come, caught some of the excitement that inspired most of us to start tango. They wanted to learn more, they wanted to work more on walking. They wanted to hear more about leadership. So the two gentlemen running the seminar said we can either spend the final few minutes working more on learning tango, or they could watch a demonstration. You would have thought we were playing musical chairs they all sat down so fast! So music went on, and I danced with the tango instructor, and my friend danced with the leadership instructor (who is also a very good tango dancer). I was very happy that our dance was kept simple, nothing fancy, nothing showy, just simple social salon tango, which felt just amazing. In speaking with the attendees afterwards, I was even more grateful that the volcadas, colgadas, and all those other adas were left behind, because I was told repeatedly that they felt they could one day do what we did. It was a performance that contained elements they felt was attainable for them.
There was one gentleman who gave me such a laugh because I remember the feeling of disbelief he gave us when I was a beginner. I had not danced with the tango instructor before today. We danced a few songs together before the seminar to warm up and get a feel for each other, but that was it. The gentleman would not accept that as truth, he was convinced I must be the instructor's partner or assistant. He could not believe we only met that day. Then he said to us "So, in tango, you can connect that completely with people you've never met before?" Yes sir, you can. And thus, the addiction begins..... ;-)

Reply to all

Forward

Ahhhh.. so that's my issue.....

2008-06-11T14:31:00.003-04:00

It's been a hell of a summer so far. I am hoping it gets better soon. It has to, right? :-)
I have been listening to Annie Lenox recently (*gasp* NOT tango music?!?!? heh heh, yep, not tango music.... shocking, I know.....), and I always listen to Annie when I am melancholy or having quietude in my life. I have a playlist titled Mellow - and I have been listening to it as I integrate into Sorin's home (I hope soon "My home" will flow easily from me). I could not figure out what was wrong with me, Sorin even mentioned to me that I have been out of sorts recently. And I did not figure out what my issue was until today, when I ran into a friend who asked the innocent question of "What's new?" and I started to tell her all the new things happening (most of which are all good), and when I started to tell her about the death of my friend a few weeks ago, I broke down into tears. My core is still shaken from his death. My heart is broken for my friend and "sister", his wife; and his step-daughter, my god-daughter. I can't even type this without feeling my heart swell and drop in my ribs.

He was the same age as me, a few months older. He fought cancer for over a decade, and every time he entered that battle field he was nothing but positive and victorious. The amount of good he did in the world humbles me. He was politically active in his town, he owned a business that was a haven for the youth of his community and he gave them a place to be at night that kept them off the street. He loved my god-daughter as if she was his own blood and was a marvel with her. He was over 6 feet tall, his wife under 5 feet and they fit together perfectly.

I am still mourning the loss of such a spark in my universe. Now that I realize why I have been so out of sorts, I can work towards finding positivity again. Being snappish, sad, glum and unbalanced is not a good way to honor his memory. I have so much to celebrate right now, so I am going to work towards offering thanks for the happinesses in my life and to stop being a grumblecakes or DebbiDowner.... ;-)

Supreme Indifference and Invisibility

2008-05-28T10:15:00.004-04:00

I noticed a trend this past weekend. And that was that I was sitting. A lot. I circulated, I chatted, I sat in one of two areas near the dance floor in what I thought were good line of sights, and yet I sat. I was not sure what the reason was, and this was not the first time this has happened. There have been many posts about sitting at milongas and at festivals, and the blunt truth has always boiled down to those who are not good enough, sit. So I panicked a little. After all, I was sitting. ergo......

But instead I sucked it up and asked a question I did not really know if I wanted to hear the answer to. And I learned two things, that I have a tendency to look intimidating with an air of "supreme indifference" and that I tend to be invisible.

hunh?????

Apparently what I thought was a calm face with a slight smile, was instead stand-offish and rather bemused in a "royal we" sort of way. And that I tend to be invisible, leaders want to dance with me, but I don't stand out, so when they don't see me, they dance with others.

Well that threw me for a loop.

I vehemently denied being a "royal we" - mostly because I was horrified and mortified at the thought that was the case. Yes, after hour one of sitting, I do tend to space out a bit, but..... haughty??? Perish the thought! So proclamation number 1 (heh heh) - circulate more! I try to save my feet in my CIFs by sitting a lot, well, I can save them all night if all I do is sit, so walk and talk is my new way of saving my feet to dance. And instead of calm, I am going to try engaged, if I am sitting and watching the floor.

But invisible...... how to tackle that?

A chat with another leader when I mentioned this new discovery was at first surprise, and then agreement. He mentioned that I always look nice, but I always wear black or brown, so in a darkened room, despite my pale Irish skin, I sort of blend in. Circulating will help, but damn it! I am a costume designer! for THEATRE!! If anyone should know how to dress someone so that they look good and are distinctive, it should be me! I can do it for other people, why not myself?
So, horror of horrors, I am going shopping for distinctive tops. I bought some fabric that is pretty cool and colorful for wrap tops, and those are being cut this afternoon.

And while all of this was happening, I had a couple of moments where my doors were blown off their hinges. One was in a practica with an instructor whom I adore and respect greatly, and he mentioned that he wanted to see me step with quality. I was too smooth and mellow, that he often thought while we were dancing that "If only she had..." in response to my not showing the power I had with my steps. Wow. It's a whole new world. We worked on that, it started to feel good, I started to feel more from him, and the plateau I did not realize I was on, started moving in an upwards direction.
So of course, I immediately approached Shorey for a private on follower technique with this idea as the basis for the lesson. She was in town DJing at Providence at the festival, so it was now or wait months until the opportunity appeared again. Sorin constantly raves about dancing with her, and about her embrace, so it was a no-brainer. Our lesson was at the crack of dawn - 11am - heh heh heh, and worth every penny. We talked about lengthening the torso to allow for torsion and balance, about embracing with communication and being right there with your leader, and how to match my step quality to the music to communicate what I am hearing and suggest to my leader what I want to dance to.

First of all, Shorey is an excellent teacher, she communicates clearly what she wants you to do and is able to get out of you what you may not realize is there. Secondly, she is a very good lead! and thirdly, she gave me knowledge and inspiration to bring my dance to a new level. It's a whole new world, and I have lots to work on, but I am thrilled with it all.

So between proclamation #1, some striking yet signature Debbi clothing, and my new way of thinking about dancing - I hope to be vacating a couch sometime soon..... ;-)

Loss and Sadness

2008-05-20T10:24:00.003-04:00

A beautiful person has left our world. Which is heartbreaking to me.He has touched many lives, and I wanted to share with you his very well written obituary, in the hopes that his spirit and life force might continue to inspire.

He will be dearly missed.

A good practica

2008-05-12T16:10:00.003-04:00

Sunday was Mother's Day, and after visiting with my lovely mother, I went for the last 2 hours of practica. I had not danced in a few days due to various and sundry reasons, and it was beautiful out, and I really wanted to dance. I am glad I went, it was a day of pleasant surprises.

When I got there, I was treated to dancing with a beginner whom I can no longer call a beginner, despite the fact that he has been dancing less than a year. It has been awhile since we danced, and the progress he has made was really amazing to feel. He was more confident, he was clear, he had some new movements that he used really well with the music, and it was a lovely set of songs that we danced.

I also danced with two beginning leaders in our community, and I was very impressed with how good they were for how short a time they had been dancing. One leader already has down the tiny, nuanced, musical steps that I just adore. I think I giggled my way through the first song once he did that. The other leader was pointed out to me by a lovely friend, and although he has only been dancing a few months, he was on the beat, he was clear, and he did not try to do too much, he just went with what he knew.
I am looking forward to seeing these two progress! It really is so exciting to see fresh new faces get bit by the tango bug and grow within the dance. Really a wonderful thing!

I was also lucky to dance with above mentioned friend and leader-pimp :-) and we had a blast just kind of goofing around while dancing. Seeing what happened when different things were explored. I remember about a year ago in a workshop with Jennifer Brat and Ney Melo, where Jennifer was encouraging us ladies to embellish during pauses in the dance. I remember being horrified and resistant - how would I know when he was going to move again? What if I screwed up the dance because I wanted to tap my toe? What if? What if? So I didn't do it. It was too much for me. Now, I embellish when the music moves me. And in practica with my friend, I did all sorts of things to see what happened. Some worked without notice. Some make him laugh and give me a little squeeze of appreciation. And some absolutely screwed things up - but when that happened, we both giggled and moved on to the next phrase. It was no big deal. Granted, it was practica, and most of that stuff I would never do in a milonga. But still..... I no longer fear messing up. It's rather a good feeling.

There was one stiletto in mouth moment though.... I was asked by what I thought was a beginner to dance, and I accepted, and I regretted almost immediately. He shoved with his left hand, he pushed my ribs with his right, his chest was a battering ram, he looked down which pulled his energy and me down, and he paid no attention whatsoever to the music. Oi vey! I thought I knew which local teacher he was taking lessons with, and I decided to ask if he was open to feedback. He looked at me with surprise and said ok, so I mentioned his looking down, and how it pulls his attention and me down, which made it difficult for me. Would he mind trying to keep his posture upright for a song? He made mention that he had heard that before, so sure, he would try. He did it, and it helped, although all the other issues were more pronounced now. Afterwards he mentioned it seemed to help. Wondering whether to mention another of the uncomfortable issues I felt, I asked him how long he had been dancing. He said 5 years.

uuuhhhh....
hunh??
really? 5 years?
huh.
ok. hmmmm...

That is my verbatim response. There is a reason I don't play poker! I then thanked him and went to the ladies' room to see if I could re-hinge my jaw which had fallen open. I have no doubt my incredulity was apparent on my face. But really, five years, I can't find a way to offer feedback that would not be taken poorly

I only follows that after having a great time with both beginner and advanced and those in between, I found myself in an uncomfortable moment. It's the way my life goes. Oh well, it just drives home that years does not equal ability or level.

This upcoming weekend we are heading to Montreal for the festival up there. I am looking forward to seeing my friends in Montreal again, it has been so long since I have been up there, but the weather is warming, so despite the hideous gas prices, its Canada bound!

ahhh.. childhood

2008-05-05T20:43:00.003-04:00

Today I read an article on childhood in the 60's and 70's, and oh boy the memories! It is amazing to me that most of my childhood has been government regulated away.....
A few of my own thoughts and memories to add before I post the article, which I found on line without an author, so I can not give credit where credit is due....

Deb's additions:

My favorite toy was the Sit-N-Spin. I learned just how fast I could spin while looking up without loosing my lunch through trial and error. When I neared that danger zone, I simply looked down at the handle's design and hypnotized myself.

My mom used to hang laundry in the back yard, and it was all still there when she brought it back in at night. I used to run between the sheets on hot summer days and it was the best feeling and smell ever.

We kids were kicked out of the house after breakfast, and we had to ask to be let back in if we need to use the bathroom because my mom would have locked the screen doors. Once the street lights went on, we had 5 minutes to get home to wash up for dinner.

Speaking of washing up - there was no Purell, no anti-bacterial anything. There was a bar of Ivory soap, and you could have loads of fun slipping it through your hands to make a very satisfying "splunkage" noise in the sink full of water.

I did not know that cars had A/C until I was in junior high, it was an add-on for cars. An add-on my dad did not believe in when the good lord had created windows for us.

When we whined in the store that we wanted something, my mom would gather us up and leave. We learned that if we wanted to go to the store with mom, we had to behave. She once left an entire cart of groceries in the market because one of us acted up (I claim it was my sister, she claims it was me.....).

The remote control was often a small child in the room. Who would happily get up to change the knob on the television to one of the 7 channels we received. Oh, and the TV was not a babysitter, it was a treat and a privilege to get to watch tv after dinner with my parents - who often were the ones who chose the show we watched. If we complained, we got a book.

And now - the article...

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 1960s, 1970s and early 1980s probably shouldn't have survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was regularly chewed and licked.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles or latches on doors or cabinets, and it was fine to play with pans. When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent 'spokey dokeys' on our wheels.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags and riding in the front passenger seat - or the boot - was a treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle, and it tasted the same.

We ate chips, bread and butter pudding, and drank fizzy juice with sugar in it, but were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one drink with four friends - from one bottle or can - and no one actually died from it.

We would spend several hours building go-carts out of scraps, then go top speed down the hill, only to find out we'd forgotten the brakes. After running into a patch of stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back before dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.

We didn't have Playstations or Xboxes - no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape films, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no internet chatrooms.

We had friends - we went outside and found them. We played French skipping and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt! We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones, but there were no law suits.

We played Knock Down Ginger and were actually afraid of the owners catching us. We walked to friends' homes. We also, believe it or not, walked to school; we didn't rely on Mummy or Daddy to drive us to school, as it was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls. We rode bikes in packs of seven and wore our coats by only the hood. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of they actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem-solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations! Pass this on to others who had the luck to grow as real kids, before lawyers and the government regulated our lives for "our own good".

For those of you who aren't old enough, we thought you might like to read about us.

And something else to put a smile on your face...
The majority of students in universities today were born in 1986. The Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Neneh Cherry or Belinda Carlisle.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam. AIDS has existed since they were born. CDs have existed since they were born. Michael Jackson has always been white. To them, John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could ever have been a god of dance.

They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films from the past ten years. They can never imagine life before computers. They'll never have pretended to be the A-Team, the Dukes of Hazzard or the Famous Five. They can't believe a black and white television ever existed. And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.

Thoughts on the valleys to get back to the summits

2008-04-30T11:18:00.005-04:00

I've been having a difficult time with allergies and asthma lately, which has been affecting me in all areas of life. I am tired all the time, I am coughing like a plague victim, and my energy has been sapped. So the good feelings I had been having about my dance these past weeks has plummeted. It feels like I just can't really keep up. When your lungs are functioning at 71%, it is understandable (I would like to think anyway). Although the endorphins that course through me when I dance keep the coughing at bay, I feel sluggish at times. Of course, I don't want to explain this to every one who asks me to dance, it is sort of setting the stage for a sub-par dance rather than a sublime experience, and I don't want to jinx what might be. Might be a little Pollyanna of me, but that is just the way I feel.

I went to my happy milonga, and it was a crap shoot. Some times I had no major issues, and was able to relax and enjoy the dance, with others, it was a mess. And when you can feel the irritation/disappointment/frustration of your leader when you are not dancing at your best, it just makes everything worse. I try to overcome, I try to be better, but some days it just isn't going to happen. I'm tired, I'm slow right now, and I am below my best. It is an odd mixture of irritation and sadness that I have when I feel my leader's displeasure with the dance. When he or she is able to overlook my shortcomings (which I am sure/hope are temporary), then I am more able to have some fun and be playful with the fact that I am under par. Find other moments to appreciate. But when my leader is constantly adjusting and giving off the energy that equates to an eye roll, I rather want to say "We all have bad days, give me a break or thank me and no harm, no foul."

The translation of that eye roll, which is the only way I can describe it, is something that I think we all need to be aware of. Accept that if someone who normally dances at a better level is a little "sub-par" that day, it is most likely an anomaly, and don't give them less than you normally would. The energy between leader and follower is so sensitive, that it will be appreciated. Tina wrote this wonderful post about embracing your partner with love, and I believe if we all follow this, it would help raise the bar of all connections in the dance, regardless of the type of day they are having. I am going to do my best to follow this, regardless of how I am feeling, or how the dance is going. If I can offer this when I am at my lowest, highest, and all stages in between, perhaps that will encourage the perceived eye roll to change to a quick squeeze or giggle at whatever misstep happens.

Things that make you go..... hhuuunnnhhhhh?!?!?

2008-04-22T14:03:00.007-04:00

I find it very strange that there seems to be a wave of beginning leaders who want to teach tango. I just don't get it. I heard through the local grapevine of a beginner who started a mere few months ago has aspirations of teaching. He should have aspirations of walking. However he is more interested in figures to alternative music. There is another who wants to "revolutionize tango and infuse it with a new flavor." Direct quote, I was there and heard it. This leader has been dancing less than 6 months and feels one does not need to learn the basics in order to dance or teach tango.... in fact he is very resistant to feedback at practicas, so I have stopped working with him.
*head scratching moment*

I don't get it.

And the most curious thing to me is that these are all leaders. I don't hear any followers saying that they want to teach, but then again, I don't dance much with the women. So that may be a factor..... however there does seem to be some sort of fever that the young leaders have caught to become teachers before they have really begun to understand the dance. I have been asked by a few people when Sorin and I are going to start teaching.... uhm.... we need to keep learning, thank you, we are not at the level of becoming instructors!

Any idea why this happens? This sudden urge to teach when one does not know the subject?? It baffles the mind.....

NYC and strawberries

2008-04-21T11:44:00.002-04:00

This weekend we went to NYC for Nocturne, and literally that was all! It was kinda cool and kinda crazy to drive up, dance, and drive back. But Nocturne was so much fun, I had a blast.
Of course, we forgot about the pope visiting NYC, which caused all sorts of traffic havoc. Sheesh! I mean the man has a pope mobile fer goodness sake! Why does he need to shut down the Triboro bridge AND FDR Drive?!?!? Argh.

Anyway....
Despite the pope, it was a great night. I had some really wonderful dances and connections.... even after the point where I was dropping with exhaustion and my synapses were misfiring to my feet. Ha! whoops! Step where? heh heh.
And there was celebrity sighting at the milonga. Which caused quite the buzz! Although everyone was cool about it, no one made a fuss at them. Gotta love New Yorkers!

On a separate note - take a look at these monster strawberries we got! In April! Can anyone say genetic engineering? But they were sweet and firm - so is it wrong to enjoy mutant strawberries on the first warm weekend of the season? ;-)