Punktuated Equilibrium...bdsm, slavery and lifestyle submission

Curent things

2009-06-01T19:49:00.001-07:00

I haven't updated this blog in forever, so I thought I'd just make a quick comment to let people know I'm still alive. I was in Korea up until last week when I decided I was getting cheated a bit too much, so I came back home to San Francisco. I'm currently looking for both an apartment and a job. I'll find both, but it's a bit stressful while looking.

Otherwise, things are going okay. I'm a lot healthier these days than I've been in a long time. My attitude is also a lot better than it's been in some time. I'm pretty sure things will work out, and hopefully I'll have lots to say. Don't know if anyone reads this ever, but if you do, hopefully I'll have useful things to say soon.

Wandering through Korea

2008-11-09T17:37:00.000-08:00

For those of you wondering, I'm not in any relationships right now, and I guess I'm not really looking, although I wouldn't turn something down if it showed up in front of me. Instead, I gave up on the Bay Area, at least for now, and I moved to South Korea to teach English for a year. It may go longer than that. I don't know. I really needed to just get away from things and find a new space to just figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

This is a really good place for me to start a new novel, and I have a few preliminary ones that I've begun, although I'm not sure which one will be the real next one. This place can give me a lot of peace and quiet, and as I'm no longer 20 years old, this place does not hold the same allure of party town that it used to when I was here the last time. Instead, it's a place for me to get my head back together, my finances in shape, and my writing back on track. Sure, it's difficult trying to acclimate to this lifestyle here, but I'm working on it.

I did come across one woman here who was interested in some bdsm play with me, but she stood me up on the day we were to first meet. Therefore, I haven't responded back to her since then because I've always been of the belief that if someone stands you up, it really was never meant to be. Sure, it cuts down on my choices, but it just feels better to be clean, clear and precise when it comes to these things. I figure the right person will come along, and I can wait.

Checking in

2008-06-14T00:04:00.000-07:00

This is one of those weird sites for me where I realize that I don't write in it enough. But then I realize that I don't have enough going on in my bdsm life that I need to be writing about either. I tend to live in one of those areas that is "just" outside of where things are happening. San Francisco has lots of stuff going on, but I live in Stockton, and I've never found Stockton to be all that welcoming of an area for a community. There's a munch that happens, but I attended their munch, and I felt more like I was intruding on their group than that I would ever be a part of their group, so I never went back. You ever get that feeling that people are "tolerating" you but really not wanting to talk to you? That's how it was. I then happened to be placed near a couple of dominant women who were talking really loud about how they felt they should become professionals so they could get slaves to pay for their desires. I wanted to chime in with what I knew about the bdsm professional lifestyle, in case they were serious, because it is rarely all cash and roses as they made it sound. Plus, there is an aesthetic level to taking clients, and if someone doesn't have a certain amount of the "look", that plethora of clientele isn't really going to magically appear, and I really didn't want to end up insulting someone I didn't know because of unrealistic expectations.

So, I'm finishing up school now. Or I'm done. I'm writing my thesis, and then I'm done with school. I'm trying to find a job now, and once I do, I'll move to wherever it is I need to move. I'm kind of unsure of what to do or where to go, so this is turning into a bit of a frustrating period for me, but I'm going to have to make a decision very soon, and then I'm probably going to be stuck somewhere for the next phase of my life. So far, I haven't been all that happy with my options, almost to the point of where I may end up just giving up and moving somewhere overseas, working on my writing, and forgetting the whole lifestyle itself.

But nothing's definite right now. Not in any relationships at the moment. There were a few possibilities that occurred over the last year, but they never went anywhere. I think people tend to see me as the "oh he'll always be around" kind of submissive, so they just ignore me and then get all pissy after I've moved (that's happened a few times to me in the past...people don't seem to want you when you're around and then complain when you're gone).

One thing I find amazing is that I still miss Marisha, even after a decade. I don't have any way of contacting her, so I've never been able to talk to her again, but I often wonder what she did after she left the business completely. You rarely run into someone really special, and once she's gone, you rarely run into someone else who can fill that void. The world is strange that way sometimes. But what do I know?

This site may be changing drastically soon

2007-10-24T22:28:00.001-07:00

Yes, and it may no longer be bdsm oriented. I've given up on trying to find someone. It's never worked out for me. The reasons can be all sorts of possibilities (most probably my fault, and I accept that). I've been trying for two decades to find something, and I never have succeeded.

The ole' houseboy thing

2007-10-12T22:37:00.001-07:00

I started doing houseboy work for a woman and her mistress in trainee in San Francisco. I've been so out of the scene that I've actually really needed something like this. And the woman who is allowing me this privilege is someone I've known for a long time and for whom I have a great deal of respect. I spent most of the time cleaning different things, like brass and leather, and it was somewhat cathartic in its process. I was also locked into an extremely heavy metal collar and a long chain that stretched from one end of the place to a locking mechanism in the bathroom. When I moved around the place, it was extremely obvious I was moving. There were no stealth movements for me.

It was actually quite nice. My understanding is that this is part of an effort to assist her associate in learning different aspects of slave training, and I'm quite proud to be able to be a part of it, although I keep it solidly in my mind that my purpose is to do as directed by both of them, and that's definitely nice.

This has the possibility of working out for however long they want and need me. My only concern is that I get the impression they're both so busy with their professional and personal lives that I may just get forgotten because there just won't be any time for me. But I will make myself as available as possible and avail myself of the wonderful opportunity for as long as it presents itself in front of me.

Eventually I hope to find an actual Mistress who will take ownership over me. But until I do, I realize I definitely need some type of control like this in my life. I have way too much freedom and self-control in my life as it is.

Always There

2007-10-12T17:15:00.000-07:00

One of the things that has always been difficult for me as a service submissive is that most of us sincere ones fall into the category of "always there", which probably needs some explanation. Imagine yourself as a dominant woman. You have this service submissive who is loyal and will do practically everything you ask/tell him or her, and this goes on for awhile. Two sorts of things often happen that make it an interesting situation.

1. Proximity of finding what you are seeking (the sincere submissive already in your grasp) makes you feel that perhaps it might be easy to find someone just like that submissive but with extra bells and whistles. Maybe the next one is more attractive, wealthier, a different gender or whatever. So, you start going back out and exploring the multitudes of submissives out there, knowing that the statistics indicate that the odds are better for you finding what you are seeking rather than not finding what you are seeking. So, you find that more attractive one, bring him into your midst, and on the surface, it looks like you found what you were seeking. Then after a few months of fooling you, he or she reveals that he or she is not really exactly what you were seeking but was playing along in hopes of interjecting his or her personal fantasies (which don't fit the service paradigm you imagined). So you dump this new submissive to the road. And then you realize that the one who was what you were seeking is gone, and you kind of missed it while you were having so much fun with the one that was going to replace him or her.

2. When this service submissive comes into your life, you take complete advantage of him or her, and everything seems to be going all right. But you're a busy woman. You have lots of things on your dance card, so you continue doing what you're doing, and you're completely in bliss because you have this person who cooks, cleans and does everything else you desire. This gives you lots and lots of more time that you really didn't have before because you were more self-sufficient in the past, so you start to get out there in the scene even more. You attract many more players, and your dance card is filled even further. Then out of nowhere, you come home one day and the service submissive has been snatched up by another woman. And you never even suspected there was anything wrong. Oh sure, you heard him griping a bit about never seeing you, but you allowed him to show up and clean, even though you had to run off and attend a party, so "would it be okay if you locked up on your way out?" and other such things. You could trust him; I mean, he's been your dedicated house slave for months, if not years. But then he's gone, and you have no idea why. Obviously, he was not a "true" service submissive. Now you'll just have to look for another, or not look for one at all because the last one was obviously too much of a bother; I mean, he left without a warning.

What both scenarios actually signify is a sense that the service submissive is always going to be there, and if he's not, he's easily replaceable. Anyway, I've observed this a lot over the years, both with myself and with those around me. Yet, I keep seeing the exact same things happening no matter how much experience those in the scene have.

Anyway, just a thought for a Friday evening.

I think I'm going to be taking down this site

2007-08-15T16:14:00.000-07:00

I've received no actual communication from people on this site, which indicates to me that growing it by adding articles and stories is really a useless endeavor. As such, I think in the near future I'm going to be taking down the site and folding the domain name into one of my more vanilla pursuits.

I guess you could say that's the case with most things in my life these days. I haven't found anyone that's into D/s and looking for someone like me. Therefore, it seems like a waste to have a site like this one if no one is really reading it or really cares that it exists. I'm starting to consider the very near possibility of giving up the lifestyle completely as well. Why keep trying to pursue something that generally doesn't exist for me?

Switching to a lower gear

2007-07-11T15:42:00.000-07:00

Yeah, the last relationship didn't work for me, so I'm discontinuing my search. Maybe one day in the future, but things just aren't working out for me these days, so I kind of need to take care of that first.

What can a sub have to offer a dominant (a response)

2007-06-23T23:40:00.000-07:00

This is a response to something I was reading recently, from a submissive who was trying to figure out what he might possibly ever have to offer a dominant woman in hopes of her taking him seriously. So here goes.

Here's some advice from someone who's been around the block a few times (translation: my mommy still won't let me cross the street). :)

You first of all have to figure out what it is you have to offer. What separates you from the crowd? This stumps a lot of submissives, but I'll let you in on a few secrets that don't work, then we'll go into some things that might work. Keep in mind that what I state here may be helpful to some, but you should never by lying about your abilities in hopes of achieving something because you'll ALWAYS be found out, and you'll never get a second chance.

What doesn't work:
1. Anatomy. Pictures of, descriptions of, fingerpaints about, Van Gogh-styled carvings of exact representations of genitalia should be the first thing you NEVER consider one of your strong points. If you're writing to a dominant woman, she already has enough of these types of inquiries from guys that she's going to go through the roof with anger if you send her another.

2. Don't tell her your a dom who has suddenly decided to offer her the unique opportunity of dominating someone who is not a submissive. Unless she knows you are already and has harbored a secret desire to dominate you, because she knows you're a dominant she wants to break down, it's never going to work.

3. Lying. One lie and you're pretty much gone. You'll rarely get a second chance.

4. Passive-aggressive behavior. No one likes this. I've been there myself in the past. Took years to get rid of it.

5. Taking yourself way too seriously. In MOST cases (not all), you really need a sense of humor about things. I was once cleaning a bathroom for a dominant woman I was really trying to win favor with, and I didn't know the first thing about the word "dilution", so I poured half the bottle on the floor and created the stickiest situation a submissive can ever be in. She was in the middle of doing a very long session and had left me alone. So, for four hours, I kept trying to figure out how to fix this mess I made. When she came out, and I completely expected her to yell at me and throw me out, she asked what happened, I told her, and she started laughing (in a good way). Surprisingly, I did, too, because for four hours I was convinced this was going to be the worst encounter ever, because I really liked her. Everything turned out okay. Sure, I had to still make it right, but at least she told me how to do it (fortunately, I'm a bit smarter about such things today than I was back then).

6. Playing games to get what you really want. Way too many do this. Don't. Be honest. Tell her what you're seeking. If it's what she thinks is something that might interest her, it will work out. Sometimes, she'll not be all that interested but now that she knows, she might one day use it as some kind of leverage with you or way of rewarding you, or something to keep from you forever because she's mean and vicious and...and...oh sorry, was getting kind of excited there.

What you should do (what you really asked):
1. Assess yourself. What do you know how to do? Are you great with computers? Can you put them together blindfolded (don't tell her that because she just might have you do it that way)? :) Are you great at massage? Have you been trained to do something she might find useful, like research or legal issues? Can you cook? Do you detail cars? Do you fix cars? Everyone has things he or she excels at. Find those, and you have something she wants. Cunnilingus is NOT the kind of skill you want to advertise. Nor is full body worship or sex.

2. Use common sense. If you were her, what would you want? Read what she writes. Does she complain because she can't find a good cup of coffee? Find her a good cup of coffee. Or be able to make one.

3. Remember that she's a real person. Too many submissives fail here. Miserably. They treat her as a goddess or some untouchable persona, and while she may warrant such admiration and respect, keep in mind that she's also a real person. Should you ever interest such a woman, remember that she's probably a lot more comfortable in her fuzzy slippers than she is in high heeled boots and full dominant regalia. Some guys can't get beyond that, or they pretend to but really are just fetishist in nature.

4. Figure out what you actually want from her and see if that somehow coincides with her desires. I'll be honest with you. I rarely pursue anyone, mainly because I spend a great deal of time finding everything out about her I can, and then I try to see how I would best fit into her life. If I don't see a fit, I generally don't make contact. I realize that I don't want to be there if I'm not going to be useful, wanted and needed.

5. Learn as much about her as possible. That at least shows you that you're really interested in her and not in just some generic dominant woman. This can backfire on you, however, as I discovered when I really went out and discovered everything I could about a woman I was interested in some years ago. I found out what she was studying and read all of her interviews about what she was seeking. I did this to determine whether or not I was right for her, and I came away from that research convinced that I was. During our first encounter, I sort of freaked her out, probably leaving her thinking I was some kind of stalker. So be careful about how you do it. Know her well enough to find out if you are compatible, but don't go overboard enough to scare the crap out of her. It didn't get that bad in the example I used; but I certainly realized it could have.

Okay, I might just jinx this...

2007-06-14T22:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, I might just jinx this, but I seem to have found someone who appears to be what I'm seeking and for some bizarre reason seems to be looking for someone identical to me. She's in her 20s, and she seems to have a great sense of life for the entire concept of bdsm and wants to explore it with someone, in pretty much the same way I've wanted to explore it with someone who is dominant. It sometimes feels bizarre in that it feels too good to be true. From our interactions so far, I really enjoy speaking to her, and she's extremely interested in chastity control, something I've always wanted to explore, but because my relationships have always been owned slavery positions, it's one of those things I've never been able to experience, because it never interested any of my owners. This woman is EXTREMELY interested in it, and at least for the moment, she's interested in me.

The funny thing is she came along because I went and did something I don't normally do: I contacted her because she seemed to be exactly what I was seeking, so I had to at least try. Usually, I wait unsuccessfully for a woman to contact me. A smarter me would have realized a plan that never works is probably not a good plan.

The universe moves in strange ways

2007-06-05T14:40:00.000-07:00

I gave up my search some time ago. I still maintain a presence on bdsm sites. Well, I may have connected with someone who is interested in pursuing a relationship with me. I don't really know how it happened, other than I indicated an interest. It may develop into something; it may not.

Disconnection

2007-05-19T00:23:00.000-07:00

I recently moved a few blocks from where I was living on campus. It's not a big deal; the university just wouldn't let me remain in campus housing during summer if I wasn't attending summer school. So I moved out completely because I didn't feel like moving out and then moving back in again.

But that's not what I really wanted to talk about. Things didn't really work out with R. (I use single letters to avoid using someone's name on my blog, when I feel it is more appropriate). She and I decided to go separate ways before the semester ended. She left it up to me to contact her again if I was interested in pursuing something further, but I just didn't feel any chemistry growing between us, so I felt just letting it fade away was probably the better alternative. M. is the one person I've wanted to become involved with; she and I were together some years back, and just finding her again was a great thing. The only problem is that getting in touch with her is usually a very difficult process, and I have a feeling the potential future we have in front of us is going to be eliminated before it ever happens just because getting in touch with her is practically impossible.

Which leaves me back at square one again. I really don't know what to do. I really don't seem to find anyone, and I've pretty much lost all ability to figure out where and how to find someone. I'm not the kind of person who does a lot of playing, or even dating. I usually get swept up by one person, and I'm hers for the long haul. It's just been awhile since anyone has swept me up.

Not much to say lately

2007-05-09T14:31:00.000-07:00

I haven't really made much of an effort to post here mainly because I haven't actually done anything of a bdsm nature in a very long time. The person I was working towards a relationship with kind of went neutral with me, and it was mainly because we weren't really building towards anything. The ball's in my court, but I haven't had the time to really do anything to make it happen. Now that school is finally finished (tonight I turn in my last paper), I have all the time in the world, but I don't have contact with anyone with which to devote all that time. It probably doesn't help that I realize I need to find a job to survive this summer, and that hasn't been going all that well either.

It's hard trying to be someone who can offer everything when I'm trying hard just to get my house back in order again.

Strict, no nonsense control for service submissives

2007-04-24T22:34:00.000-07:00

This may sound strange, but as a service submissive, I usually don't discuss a lot of the harder aspects of bdsm. Sure, I'm a submissive, and I love being tied up and tortured like the next guy, but for some reason service submissives kind of fall into this really weird category that I generally don't believe exists. It's this fantasy some women have (based on this fantasy that wannabe submissives sell to them as the reason why they should be integrated into their lives...before springing on them their desire for more intimate and stronger action) that service submissives are ONLY interested in doing housework and that sort of stuff. That's ALL they need.

I'll let you in on a little secret. That's not all they need. I'm about as close to the dedicated service submissive you're going to find, but there are a couple of mandatory things necessary to making such a relationship with a dominant woman work.

1. For one, it needs to be a woman I'm serving who is actually using me for her needs. I know this sounds kind of strange, but I can't tell you how many times I get "offers" from either guys (which I have no desire to serve) or from women who then tell me that my interaction with them will be minimal, or that I will be communicating with her through her male secretary (or whatever title she gives the guy). In other words, I'm going to be serving "her" by serving her male submissive (or dominant) but that should be all I need to make me happy. If there's no woman in the picture, then why even be involved? I could be home cleaning my own place, or playing world of warcraft, or writing the All American Novel.

2. There needs to be actual domination involved. Cleaning is great, but to be honest, if I was so into cleaning only, I wouldn't really need a dominant, and I'd be at home cleaning my own home, or working for a cleaning company and actually getting paid for it. A submissive needs to be reminded that there's someone actually in charge of him (or her). Quite often, the real way to do that is to feel the dominance first hand. I once had a woman tell me she wanted me to be her slave, which to her meant that I'd come in and clean her apartment when she wasn't there. She'd have me come in on days when she was "playing" with her submissives she tied up and tortured at another location so she wouldn't get in the way of my cleaning. That was going to be the ONLY interaction we were going to have (me cleaning alone). Yeah, that one got me all hot and excited for the two seconds I considered that potential relationship.

3. Now this is just me, but I suspect it's not just me. But every now and then I need to be reminded physically that I'm a submissive and that I'm into this thing called bdsm. That usually means a Mistress who is interested in actually playing with me once in awhile. If that's never going to happen, and I'm not even talking all of the time or even most of the time, but if that's not even a potentiality, then I'm not the submissive for her.

What's significant about this is that there are a gazillion guys who pretend that they don't need any of these things, but they are "really" submissives and will do everything needed to be done with nothing else in return. Generally, they're lying to you. Yeah, sorry. They are. They won't admit it, and you'll keep pursuing this fantasy because somewhere in the past, some woman said "I found exactly that", much like some guy in Utah won the lottery, so it looks like all you have to do is buy a lottery ticket and somehow you're going to be a multimillionaire. Yeah.

I'm going to be trying to add articles and stories

2007-04-24T22:29:00.000-07:00

I just returned from Atlanta, Georgia this evening, and I've finally had a chance to catch up on comments and emails. One thing I want to do with this blog is to add more articles and stories. I have a bunch that need to be added, but I've just not had the time.

While things are kind of in limbo for my social life, at least I think I can do something about keeping the page moving forward. I thank everyone for their comments, by the way. Unfortunately, collarme just wasn't all that conducive an environment for communicating with people. I still post there, but I deactivated my profile as I was getting really tired of the fake people who were contacting me. Some of the people who held conversations with me were great, but I just couldn't believe how many energy suckers are part of that environment. I may reactivate that profile another day, but for now, I'll probably leave it deactivated.

Deactivated collarme profile

2007-04-15T23:00:00.000-07:00

I decided that collarme wasn't really working out for me. I kept running into the same kind of woman who was interested in me but more interested in the fact that I'm a service submissive than in being interested directly in me. It got tiring after awhile. And then when someone does have an interest in you, and you find out that she's located too far away from you and once that is discovered the interest is gone...well, that's kind of frustrating, too.

I think what finally did it for me is that I tried to contact someone I really respected, because she's always very critical about everything I do, asking her if she would be willing to give me some advice. Instead, she just ignored my email and didn't really seem to care. I think that was about the final straw for me, so I'm giving up on it completely and focusing on my writing only.

Not sure how much longer to continue the blog

2007-04-10T22:45:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of wondering if it's worth continuing this blog. No one has ever commented, and even worse, I've grown more frustrated by the fact that I just can't seem to find anyone. Yeah, the second part doesn't have anything to do with the first, but it's just a further frustration.

I've actually been giving a lot of thought to just throwing up my hands and giving in to the whole thing. Maybe I wasn't meant to find anyone.

This is how my blog feels sometimes

2007-04-09T23:38:00.000-07:00

I'm being honored for my writing tomorrow

2007-04-07T01:09:00.001-07:00

I'm getting an award for my writing tomorrow, for a contest I won for the local city's art commission. It was a short story I submitted, and it took first place.

Well, the banquet function is tomorrow, and while I should be excited, I'm not really. You see, I kind of assumed I'd have a partner by now, or at least a significant other (even if I was the only one who considered us significant). But it hasn't worked out that way. I'm currently being considered by a woman who I'm not really sure is all that interested in me. Granted, she's interested is the fact that I'm a service submissive, but I sometimes wonder if I'm just interchangeable with anyone else, when it comes to our lack of a relationship. I know I've been busy, but at the same time it seems that this really isn't developing, and to be honest, I really don't know what to do about it because I've tried talking about it before, but it's one of those things that you really don't get further on while trying to talk about it.

So, I'm going to this awards ceremony alone, and while the life of a writer can sometimes be that way, I just somewhat expected something would be different by now.

Making time for SMC (Service of Mankind Church)

2007-04-03T23:42:00.000-07:00

I used to be an officer for SMC, and when I left California to pursue a graduate degree in Michigan, I kind of lost touch with the old organization. For those not familiar, SMC is a bdsm organization that integrates spirituality with the lifestyle.

Well, I'm slowly getting back involved again. The organization has been sort of plugging along, and now that I'm back, they're asking me to contribute my thinking to the organization again. I'm that kind of lifestyle community person who does a lot of work behind the scenes, but for the most part, people generally don't know who I am. A funny aside to this was some years back when I was at a play party, and this really hot dominant woman was making conversation with me and name dropped my name as someone she used to top. Apparently, she didn't know she was actually talking to the person she claimed to have previously dommed. Now don't get me wrong; I sure wish she had dommed me in the past, but unfortunately that wasn't really the case. So, I said nothing and just listened, but it sure opened my eyes to how sometimes people really want to be part of the in crowd at a party function, even when they're so much more of the in crowd than they might already suspect.

As soon as I find time, probably at the end of this semester (I'm in grad school again...communication this time), I intend to help out SMC again. It's a great organization; it sometimes just needs a push in the right direction.

An open letter to Marisha

2007-03-20T11:57:00.000-07:00

Marisha was really my last mistress. She disappeared off the face of the planet, and it's been about a decade since I last spoke to her. So I decided to write her a letter but it bounced off of all the web accounts I had from her. So I decided to post it here. I doubt she'll ever see it, but it's somewhat therapeutic to at least finish it.

An open letter to Mistress Marisha:

I was talking to my friend M. the other day about a number of things, and she brought you up in conversation, asking me how I felt about you these days. I didn’t really have an answer for her, but M. is persistent, and she kept asking the question until she had me reveal that I was never really over you, past you and how I’d come running back if the possibility ever existed again. M. came away pleased that she’d gotten the information she was seeking, but it left me thinking about things and while that’s not normally a very good thing, it caused me to realize that I probably needed to discuss some things out through the process of writing.

Our whole time together was much more than just an exploration of the physicality of our lifestyle. To me, it represented a time in my life when I was no longer living in the shadow of potential energy but in the kinetics of actually acting upon one’s desires and motivations. I probably never told you this but before we came together, I was obsessed with a woman where I had been working for nearly seven years. I saw her practically every day, yet even though I would join her for lunch in the hotel cafeteria, I never could muster up the courage to ask her out. But I so wanted to, so badly. But I never did. Then at the end of my time at the hotel, a few weeks out before leaving, I finally pulled her aside and asked her, straight out. She gave me one of those “I’ll get back to you” comments, but in reality I don’t think she actually took the proposal all that seriously because she never brought up the subject again in the few weeks left. So when I quit, I left and didn’t look back.

But something different had happened. I had actually asked her out after all of that obsessing about it. We came together not much longer after that, and even though we started out in a more professional setting, when you decided it was time to switch from professional to personal, I was a much stronger person as a result and was more than overjoyed to say yes.

And that brings me back to you. You are most definitely the most wonderful person I have ever known. You have a free spirit to you that sincerely cares about others and with you it never feels like you’re just going through the motions, but you really do care. In the beginning, and all through our relationship, I was floored by your wisdom and intelligence. Most people are gifted with either a Socratic wisdom or an Aristotelian intelligence, and I found you blessed with both. You could make sense of a complex topic while at the same time analyze a philosophy just for the sake of providing conversation. I am still amazed at some of our conversations, which I would not be surprised if they’ve fallen into the mind-erasing ether of memorial threads.

Every time I think of you, I think of the fuzzy slipper analogy that other people still rarely seem to understand. I brought it up in conversation the other day with a friend, and she was convinced I must have some fetish for fuzzy slippers, until I explained the importance of a state where the woman I am with is comfortable and hopefully in complete bliss. Unfortunately, with the amount of trolls online these days, the definition of “bliss” is quite often tied to physical sensations (like the definition of “service” these days which now means “servicing someone” rather than “service to someone”), and it become much harder to explain what it is I’m talking about. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve become somewhat of the service dinosaur these days.

Which leads me to my question of “are you happy these days?”. It’s hard to explain or construct how important that used to be to me, even though it was often difficult to put into context. Amazingly, after all of this time, whenever thoughts of you come up, and M. helped bring them back to the mainstream again, I still ask myself that question. I still very much care about you and how you are doing. It sometimes shocks me how much that I still do care as it has been going on some time now.

It’s nearly a decade now since I last saw you, and surprisingly, I still miss you almost as much as I did when we first left. I’ve just had time between me to help me realize how significant that loss really is.

I tried to move on several times, but it never worked for me. The summer after we went separate ways, I was working as a drone at the phone company filing papers with a group of day workers who were doing the same thing. It was monotonous work, and it gave me the opportunity to turn off my mind for awhile. I really needed that.

Well, during the first month (of three months) that I was there, I found that the other day workers were some really mean people. There was this young Asian woman named Sally would spoke broken English, and as a result, she was the fodder for insulting behavior from most of the rest of the temporary staff. She couldn’t defend herself intellectually because of the language problem (she was actually quite intelligent but not verbose). So, I started inserting myself between Sally and those that were attacking her. As you probably remember, I’m not an unarmed opponent when it comes to rhetorical discourse, and the group suddenly realized that it would be better off finding another victim because this one had protection. As a result, Sally started hanging around me more and more after this because if I was around, people weren’t going to verbally harass her.

Well, I wasn’t looking for anything at this time. I was still having a really hard time with the end of our relationship, and I felt like battered goods, not much use to anyone else. But Sally was persistent, and at one point she discovered my secret life through a lot of search engine usage. She then decided she wanted to be my dominant. Our relationship lasted about a year, but it fell apart mainly because of me. I kept seeing it as the wrong time, even though she was a wonderful girl. I kept seeing our relationship through this one, and I honestly never gave her a fair chance. We broke up with her very upset at me, and logically, I do blame myself for having let it happen that way.

After that, I decided to move to Michigan because I had to get away from the environment. I kept seeing your car everywhere I went. I’d see an olive green Toyota Corolla, and I’d immediately check to see if it was you, which it never was. Even when I moved to Michigan, for years, whenever I saw that same type of car, I still found myself checking to see if it was you behind the wheel.

I remember when you wrote me, stating you still had my journals. When you sent them, you asked me to email you and tell you I received them. I debated over and over how I could prolong the conversation between us, but then realized that perhaps what was needed for your happiness was distancing me from you and your life. At the time, I felt there were some things in your own life that would probably never be solved if I was still around. I really wanted you to be happy; it just pained me that I wasn’t the one making it happen.

I don’t know where you are today, or even what you are doing. Friends give me sporadic updates that I don’t ask for, like Bill and Robin mentioned they had seen you at one of the flea markets some years back. I don’t ask any follow up questions because it makes me feel guilty to do so when you’ve easily been able to continue with your life while it still feels difficult in mine.

I stopped writing for many years after we went our separate ways. It was only last year that I sat down and wrote my twelfth novel, a humorous Greek epic. It’s actually a wonderful book, and I’m quite proud of it. A few days ago, I was informed I won the local Arts Commission short story competition for a romance story I wrote. It’s been a slow process, but I’ve gotten back to writing, and one day I hope to make it in that capacity. Although you probably never knew, I dedicated my first published book to you. It seemed really appropriate at the time.

Well, I don’t even know if this is going to find itself to you. I know your site is still up there, so one can only hope your email still works from there. If not, this was probably somewhat therapeutic anyway, even if only my pet penguin gets to read it.

Cell's Door now listed on Amazon.com

2007-01-14T23:18:00.000-08:00

The Cell's Door is now listed on Amazon.com.

Got a publisher for The Cell's Door

2006-12-15T09:56:00.000-08:00

I received word this morning that a publisher has accepted The Cell's Door for publication. I'm kind of nervous about publishing it under my regular name, especially because my mainstream fiction is also published under that name, but I'm hoping it all works out well.

I've been really busy

2006-12-15T00:23:00.000-08:00

I apologize for lack of posts, but I've been really busy. As I've mentioned, I'm in grad school, and it's kicking my behind, and not in a good way. I've been doing a lot of visiting of the collarme.com boards, which are always a lot of fun. I don't post there as much as I used to, mainly because that set of boards can get so repetitive and depressing. I've also been following Eisanna's site a lot lately. She's building a new cage (or has built it) that sounds pretty intensive. It sounds really intriguing to me, but I really don't do "sessions" anymore these days. I've always been looking for something a little more serious, and unfortunately, sessions just don't do it for me anymore. I know this is putting me at a disadvantage because most of my relationships have started through sessions in the beginning, but I'm getting older and realizing that maybe that route just isn't open for me anymore.

I am going to be moving myself back into the bdsm community. I've talked to the leaders of SMC, and I'm probably going to become more involved in that organization again. There's a potluck on Sunday I'll be attending, and I was doing some talking on the phone about some innovative ideas of bringing that organization back to the limelight again. I've always been one of those insiders who is capable of growing an organization. I'll be much more comfortable being at work on that sort of thing again. I really miss it.

Added new stories

2006-12-15T00:20:00.000-08:00

I've started to add some of the story content to the page. On the right side of the page is a list of different pages you can visit. My bdsm fiction page is starting to receive content. My first addition was a tongue-in-cheek first part of a story I wrote called My Session with Lady Domme, which is pretty much the session every pro dominant talks about dreading. The second addition is the first chapter of a newer bdsm story called The Reluctant Dom. I have included the first chapter.