M's Survival Guide or How to Feel Better About You

Strange Times

2009-04-20T19:57:00.001-07:00

Husband laid off though he has lots of leads
Godmom very sick - unlikely she'll live past this month
Won't be able to attend funeral due to cost -- how bad is that?

Not sure what to make of this month. G is ready to lose a tooth. There's the fun stuff.

Messy People

2009-03-19T18:35:00.000-07:00

I think it's fair to say that I love messy people. Not that it's nice when things are TOO messy, but I find some comfort in stacks of books or a stack or two of mail. I find very neat people very UNsettling. It's not just that neat, neat people are so judgy. They are incredibly uptight. I would bet a fair portion of my paycheck that neat, neat people do not just roll with things. Everything has to be just so. And neat, neat people make incredibly annoying roommates. And no matter what it is, romantically, I tend to find the neat people. Such a disappointment. Maybe one day I will get my act together and be a neater person [but why]...the emptiness. Of course, there's quite a bit to be said for balance. But balance doesn't mean neat. Balance, really, is a little of both: a little messy...the splayed magazines, a few of the kids' toys, a woman's mussed up do. Messy people are realists who use their time constructively. Neat people, eh. Famous messy person [though she had maids], Anais Nin.

Long live blue crabs

2008-12-30T20:35:00.000-08:00

Blue crabs, my MD blue crabs have had a rough time of late. As a kid, I remember you could see the trucks parked off 210, the white boxy trucks like UPS uses, that had bushels of crabs. Tons of crabs for us to eat. Sometimes, the seller would have a steamer right off to the side of the truck, steaming the crabs fresh for us. My mom would buy the live crabs, we'd bring them home and I'd bring my friends over to watch the crabs bubble, bubble and do their little side-dance.

We'd watch them, and name them and occasionally spit [because kids can be stupid] at them but we did like those crabs. Off into the pot they would go, fighting and clawing the whole way. Being boiled alive can't be much fun but the crabs made a tasty meal, a delicious meal and at least they were well appreciated. I'd like to believe that counted for something. And now, the crabs are less plentiful, they come ashore to breathe, when they get desperate and they resort to cannibalism. Not a fun time, at all, for my MD crabs, the cannibalism.

resolutions, maybe, no...

2008-12-29T19:31:00.000-08:00

Resolutions, I could have a few of those, maybe, really, nooo. In theory, I like the thought of a clean slate, starting over. It's refreshing, exhilirating, like the 10 minutes or so that you feel good trying something new before you realize you've just found a new way to lie to yourself. Because do you really want to run a marathon again? Lose 10 lbs? Discipline your shopping? No, yes, no. Resolutions: good theory...execution needs work.

I guess my primary resolution would be more time to myself. I swore that I would always, always make time for myself, ha ha! This year alone, I've neglected my friends, my weight is now centered in mah big belly since I no longer have a regular routine and I'm at a total and complete loss to define myself outside of work. Thank God for work or I'd have just the boys to point to, accomplishment-wise. Not the best feeling in the world. The boys are wonderful but I need to fulfill myself, see my friends, just be me. Frikkin' aye...

Jack, still taking years off my life, but I still love you. A, you drive me crazy but you give as good as you get and I'm grateful to be your wife [bet you didn't think you'd see that in writing!] G, you're a good boy and I love you, baby bear.

I've christened myself lady with big belly 'til I start losing weight. Otherwise, I'll rename myself Herman, wear stretch pants and flip flops and move to the sea shore. Just seems like the thing to do. Resolutions, ha!

See ya 2008

2008-12-15T21:45:00.001-08:00

I know, it's premature to say goodbye to 2008 but I'm ready. It wasn't the worst year but it wasn't one of my favorites. On the up side, Obama was elected and that's a serious up. On the down side, my favorite uncle passed away, the credit crunch has decimated my 401K and baby Jack and my ulcer have played havoc with my 37-year old -38? bad memory!-self.

Lessons to take away from this year: I've never been more aware that control is an illusion. Time management? Sure, assuming Jack and G cooperate: clean diaper, toddler food, does G have his stuff together? How do larger families survive, holy cow!

My dad is relishing the fact that I will be living in a house of men. No worries. He couldn't have had it that bad living with 2 girls and my mom, right? Boys, I can handle, thus far. But I do wish the house was warmer. 72 degrees is too cold! Gimme 74 baby!

2009, we'll still have the credit crunch recovery. But hopefully, the stock market will be steadier. I'll have paid down my debt. Not paid it off mind you but paid it down. And ideally, I can start building for the future again. Hopefully.

2008, the equivalent of stepping in water while you're wearing socks. Not pleasant but not fatal. 2009, may you be much better!

outofsorts

2008-12-04T17:16:00.000-08:00

outofsorts and it's almost week's end; outofsorts and I don't want to start a new week again...outofsorts and my mis-match laundry socks matches the way I feel. outofsorts and I want, I want, I want.

Obama rocks!

2008-12-04T17:15:00.000-08:00

What more can be said? How cool can it be, finally having a President that represents what the U.S. should be? A thoughtful, cautious and charismatic President that cares about diplomacy. Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait!

Catching up

2008-10-26T02:12:00.000-07:00

Ha, Sarah's numbers are down and McCain's folks are complaining that she 'goes rogue' on them. I stand by my back door presidency comments, especially when one considers Todd Palin's unquestioned access to the governor's office and their previous refusal to address the brother-in-law questions. Why aren't people addressing the need to ensure that Cheney's abuses never happen again? Wtf?

But politics aside, I'm happy to see that I may be in contact with my 2 favorite guys again, Ethan and Eric. How funny is that? It's nice to see that you can [ideally] catch up with those that you care about.

Ethan -- too, too funny on the things we have in common. One of my friends told me that each significant other teaches us something, each time they cross our path. Not sure what catching up would mean this time around but it's nice to be in touch again. Eric, I haven't caught up with yet, but I'm hopeful.

Of course, my 2 favorite guys now are my sons, G and Jack. And my husband, even when he drives me nuts is someone I'm grateful for. Guess CA guys aren't all bad.

Sarah Palin - next backdoor President

2008-09-09T14:53:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin. Everybody loves Sarah Palin. A positive: she's a good looking woman. Another plus: she's a devout woman. And boy can she talk! I didn't catch the speech at the RNC but the snippets I've seen and from what I've read, she has charisma. But what's really quite scary if anyone takes a look at her style, she's like the female combination of Cheney and Rumsfeld. Neither man is a fan of the questions, the free press i.e. the people's right to know. The same seems to hold for Sarah Palin. And seeing the polls even between McCain and Obama, I can't help but ask: isn't anyone else worried about Palin's imminent backdoor presidency?

Fact: I voted for McCain in 2000. I felt that McCain would take on the establishment and still work towards bipartisan endeavors. But I don't feel that way now. McCain fired his 2000 campaign staff. Why? Was that his decision or his wife's? He appeared at Oral Roberts University and now he likes the Bush tax cuts, despite the fact that he previously called them fiscally irresponsible. The man I supported in 2000 is no longer the candidate I remember.

Sarah Palin: fair to say she appears to be a strong woman. It's premature to say if she can hold her own in the debates but she does like her talking points. She hasn't gone offscript yet. Rumsfeld and Cheney were never fans for doing more than delivering their talking points too.

The Bush presidency was the largest exercise in executive privilege EVER. I'm betting Cheney will not have tapes, years from now, to reveal just how many back channels he had. And Sarah Palin could be VP. I don't believe that John McCain can stand up to Sarah Palin. I believe a McCain presidency means creationism will be taught in public schools, sex ed will become sexual abstinence lectures and woman will not even realize they neglected to advocate for their own cause: free choice...because even if you personally wouldn't elect to have an abortion, it's a horrible, horrible thing to say it's ok for young women to die in back alleys, as they seek illegal abortions. But I digress.

Obama, Obama, Obama. I support you and if women have common sense, they'll vote for you too.

Can Jack Stay Healthy?

2008-07-22T18:28:00.000-07:00

That's the question I keep asking myself and it's hard not to go nuts. He can't stay free of a fever or at least he couldn't, the day he was supposed to get his tubes to fix the ear infection that never cleared. I think it's safe to say that being sickly runs in the family, given that Jack is as sickly or more sickly than his brother. At least after 5, it gets better. It did with Gino. Here's hoping that work continues to understand though I've had to hire a nanny the last couple times, since there is only so much patience that one can expect. Can't wait until 29 July, the next surgery date! Fingers crossed!

Moving to Alexandria...

2008-05-22T05:11:00.000-07:00

Moving to Alexandria and the current house is a complete, unmitigated wreck. The ideal is that we would box things up and it would be orderly and neat but everything's a mess. Andrew's office is packed but the crawl space behind his office isn't and it's a jumble we have to sort through. The boxes downstairs are in my way and it's a hassle moving around them to clean dishes or do laundry and it's become a clothes graveyard, things strewn haphazardly. I care but I don't care. I don't like it but I also don't want to deal with it. Neither does Andrew so we agree to disagree, since neither one wants to deal with the mess. Gino wanted G to stay over last night [my off week] and I had to say no as G's room has his closet contents waiting on the bed, waiting to be transported to the new house. There is no space for anything...as we wait, wait, wait to move to the new house. I hate moving.

The Tooth Fairy!

2008-03-11T18:53:00.000-07:00

G lost his first tooth, 6 years old and counting! One of my ex's friends made G a really cool certificate from the tooth fairy, very cool. And poor G promptly lost the tooth so he couldn't put it under a pillow. But it all works out in the end. Curious what the average going rate is for teeth. My ex swears that some mutual friends gave their kids $20 for the first few teeth. Yeah...not me! My ex gave $3 in change. That's not bad. My son requested a quarter. How's that for nostalgia?

As for baby Jack, his teeth are coming in. One losing, one gaining, go fig[ure]. Haven't blogged in the longest time [see Jack's Blog] but holidays and being sick. Holidays, rush, rush, buy, buy. Christmas in CA, nice but nicer to make it back to the homestead. Jan - Feb, both boys alternate being sick. And to think I complained about being a spit rag. 2008 has been the Year of Poop. Hello, rotavirus for both boys, though thankfully not at once.

Already, I want Jack to be 4. The colic is InSanity, in the worst way. Given, he doesn't scream 3 hours on end but the fussy feedings are brutal. All at night, of course.

Ulcer back, in spades. Ugh! That is my new name, Ulcer Girl. Now if I could just find the right meds, life would be grand.

Walking spit rag

2007-11-19T21:35:00.000-08:00

Ha. 12:35 a.m. November 20 and it's my birthday. Look at me...as a parent of a 2-month-old, I am now a walking spit rag. Burp the baby and oh look, projectile vomit on me and the couch. Lovely. Thankfully, my 5-year-old has already gone through his bedtime routine so I don't have to hear his amusement, although I get a kick out of his giggles.

Not sure what to say about 37. The spouse joked about my being 18 but I'm comfortable enough to tout my true age. My ex tried telling G that I was 41 [thanks]. I'm still packing the extra pregnancy weight, though I'm relieved it's 20 versus 30 pounds. Still a bit, but it's not as bad as it could be.

The only downer is it's been harder finding time to work out. The gym doesn't seem to have child care on the weekends or evenings [wtf] so that means I have to bug the spouse. Not sure how well that will go over. But I have to start soon or I won't lose the weight.

And the pressure to lose weight. You don't feel as good, you hate the clothes that don't fit. And it's hard to be a good sport when the spouse makes remarks. Even if lovehandles were cute, they're not fun. And of course, getting up an extra hour early to hit the gym at work, during the week, isn't going to happen.

I need the NordicTrek back. It looked stupid but 12 minutes a day, gradually moving to 30 minutes a day and I was in decent shape. I miss that stupid thing.

And in some ways, I miss dating and life before baby. It's harder having time for yourself. Spouse has meetings that have to be attended. I don't have that luxury. But, kids grow up so fast, I do want to be able to say that I did my best to be a good parent. Though wouldn't it be cool if I had more frequent breaks to go shopping, see the girls, get my pedis. I'm not digging being the walking spit rag. Maybe that's what 37 is. But I hear turning 40 is better.

where's the fun and who gets fixed?

2007-10-27T15:35:00.000-07:00

To say I'm fagg** [in the British sense] is an understatement. Physically, I've neglected my ulcer management, taking care of the newborn and my esteem is in the sub-basement levels of an elevator shaft. No sleep, no reliable family to count on, other than the parents, who bring their baggage when they babysit and I have minimal relief on the child rearing front. Baby Jack is beautiful but when the spouse gets on my case [as my clutter seeps through the house], it's hard to really be happy and the stress compounds each day. Work will be such a vacation for me.

Weather was beautiful today at least though I didn't take Jack for a walk. Had a wild fantasy about baking Halloween cupcakes for tonight and waffles for tomorrow's breakfast but am frittering the little energy I have on laundry and mail.

Spouse is out and I can't help wondering what would happen if I jumped ship, if he'd be Mr. Mom. I wouldn't but the thought is amusing for a minute or two. Most of my friends have the 'I need 2 daytimer schedules' as they keep up with their kids and their extended family so it's harder for me to plan things. Spouse seems to think I like being a recluse. No Howard Hughes here. But until the ulcer is back down, not really in shape to go out anyway.

It is official: no kids after this. But we have yet to discussed who gets 'fixed.'

on kids

2007-09-29T20:38:00.000-07:00

The baby pooped on me today. I was in a bit of shock. I had watched the baby poop three times, I was so sure I'd be in the clear to bring him, commando style to the bath. After 3 poops, there shouldn't have been anything left in reserve. But oh no. 1 step short of the stairs, the baby hits me in the hand and shirt with that yellow, runny poop. You gotta live for moments like these....

The husband thinks my older son stresses me but he has it backwards. Older son is a piece of cake. He's fun now. You talk to him and it's crazy cool to see the things that a 5-year-old can come up with. Plus he's potty trained [though nights are still hard] and can entertain himself in the mornings versus my nusing the baby, changing the baby and trying to time my shower between feedings, so I can feel human.

I shall always be curious to see how the two boys turn out. Older son does well in both reading and math, which is such a relief to his dad and me. He's a ham but he's bookish enough to listen to the teacher. Baby is too young to evaluate but my prediction is he's the serious one. He's not a contented baby the way his brother was and he is a lot more fitful. And it's interesting that he chooses to sleep with one eye open. One of the nurses said our baby had an old soul. Interesting, that.

Googling pregnancy gripes

2007-09-08T00:45:00.000-07:00

I tried googling pregnancy gripes and was surprised that morning sickness and back pain came up. Nothing came up along the lines of pregnant woman loses sanity during weeks 37-40, which was a letdown since that's where I'm at. Da belly is so painfully big now that I truly require the audible safety beeps that you hear on the back of dump trucks, when I'm attempting to walk [da belly is so biiig and scary]...I've lost any illusion of grace that I ever had and my husband has to help pull me out of bed. And my feet easily resemble the feet of the Botero sculptures, if I'm foolish enough to sit without elevating my feet.

Even with 2 weeks left, it doesn't feel like I can make it. All this time, so close and yet so far. I may wind up buying the rose hips to try and accelerate things. Baby Jack is still moving quite a bit. I can't imagine he's still happy with the cramped quarters. Who knows? Maybe folks could film a new reality show: Pregnancy in the Final Weeks. Bet it would make Bridezilla look tame. Will the couples be able to handle these hormonal times? Where's the Valium when I need it?

howdoyalikethat

2007-08-30T19:43:00.000-07:00

Pregnancy, week 37. Mood, beyond crabby. Stuggling to be nice...impossible without Starbucks 1st thing. Dropped f-bomb in front of kid. Have done it before in traffic but it's been easier to brush off. Kid repeated it and I had to explain that he can't say that without getting in a whole lot of trouble. Niiice. Kid admonished me, 'Just say things are stupid, Mommy.'

Couldn't complain too much at work, though. Colleagues threw me a baby shower: very cool. Margie and Kim pull through again. There isn't a thing Margie hasn't done for me. Hand-sewn clothes for me, baked me mole. It's like I'm one of her own. I want to be Margie when I grow up. I can't sew though. Overall, we have more clothes for Jack and a month's worth of wipes/diapers and a first aid kit. We're decently prepared now.

But, still dealing with The Belly. Happy to feel the little one in there but wishing things were less awkward and ungainly. Even maternity clothes don't fit anymore as most feel snug or have started to slide down The Belly.

A's birthday this weekend. I want him to have a nice celebration, but I really, really want the baby to come too. Maybe after we celebrate his birthday early....

G's kinder orientation tomorrow. I wanted time to clean out the car. I've been saying for over a year that I'd clean out. A half hearted attempt and then the toys, candy bits are all over the place again. My Volvo never had a speck of food in it. I do need to be a person of more moderation, re: tidiness. Half the time, it's one extreme or the other. Wish I had cleaned the car. But it's late now. And I have dishes to take care of. And of course, this is when I have time to do things [hahaha]. Life! Gotta love it, I think. And I do. Just...a little help with The Belly?

Toughness: a Myth?

2007-08-22T23:32:00.000-07:00

Me, personally, I think toughness is a myth. I do believe in courage under fire and I think people are capable of heroics. But toughness seems temporary and anyone that insists that toughness is possible more than 60% of the time and that toughness is a virtue seems delusional at best. Alpha males may be celebrated in business but I'll happily take a beta, thank you.

My ex, most definitely was an alpha. Is, I guess I should say, since he's still alive. But he damn well made sure everyone knew who he was when he entered the room and he worked very hard to ensure everyone would remember him. And he would sooner die than admit that he was afraid of anything. When 9/11 occurred and I expressed my fears, I was lectured for being afraid, for feeling like the world was falling apart and I was told that I wasn't being a good American, in expressing my fears.

When the sniper attacks occurred, my ex loved telling everyone that he wasn't afraid. No one in the DC area was afraid, despite the news to the contrary. The sniper attacks seemed worse in that people were killed right outside their homes, mowing lawns, pumping gas and shopping at Home Depot. I've never felt more vulnerable than during that time period. But, my ex thought anyone that was scared was reactive and less of a person. Shortly thereafter, I can't remember what it was, but something occurred where he actually broke down and cried in front of me. And after witnessing his repeated denials that he could be afraid, I honestly hated him the most in that moment.

My father is no better. I love my dad but he is a fragment of what he could be. He, too, clings to this misbegotten ideal of 'toughness.' He never showed me a lick of affection once I was older than 4. Younger than 4, you're still fun to play with, I guess. Older than 4 and I got to hear all the many things that were wrong with me. My existence meant my parents had less money to travel, less freedom to go out. How dare I complain when my sister bothered me. Lucky to have food on the table, blah, blah. But that doesn't really touch on the toughness issue, other than my dad wasn't a believer in showing affection. No, the toughness issue: my dad, like me ex, will never admit when something bothers him. I'm going on 37 years old and I still have no idea what trauma occurred in my dad's family that he and his siblings have a distant relationship. I get little bits and pieces here and there but that's about it. If anything displeases my dad, he won't talk about it. Just suck it up! Yeah, that's healthy.

So I'm less than enthused to hear my spouse's opinion of my child rearing: I'm making my son a wuss because I have the audacity to comfot him when he seeks comfort during the night. It takes less than 4 seconds: my son cracks the door, looking for me, I step out, put him back to bed with a kiss on the cheek and he's happy. If I'm worried, I'l check his temperature and make sure he'll fall back asleep without problem but during this time, he doesn't fuss. My son gets reassurance and I'm happy as a parent because it doesn't feel like my son is asking for much. But my spouse is insistent that I'm ruining him.

I love how people assume you're an idiot when you don't agree with them. I've read Brazelton [my favorite], Foster and Kline...I care about being an educated parent. But my spouse prefers to believe that I'm 'impressionable.' Based on my experience and what I've read, you can't be 'tough' or confident without a good, nurturing environment. Lecturing a kid when he's half asleep doesn't seem effective to me. But there you have it. My spouse is convinced I'm raising a wuss. Maybe I am. But denial of fear seems so pathetic. I guess I'll take my chances.

On fear, honeymoon and kids

2007-08-12T03:18:00.000-07:00

It's funny, when you're afraid, not quite sure how things will turn out and you take that leap and things turn out so much better than you ever could have expected or hoped for. I was pretty concerned about G adjusting to living with Andrew, afraid that we'd have more than our share of conflicts but things have been more than reasonable thus far. G still wakes up about 6:30a.m. [ugh] but we have our routine down cold. He pops his head in, I know to rouse myself, tuck him back into bed for another half hour [ideally] and then I camp out on a sleeper mattress, so G has reassurance I'm close by. People can say it's overkill, but it's been working well.

G has named A's pictures. The Asian style picture with colored blocks and interspersed calligraphy style marks has been dubbed 'messy picture.' An acrylic of A's street near a former house has been dubbed 'the road.' The only real adjustment now is all of us adjusting to Jack, once he arrives.

A and I have had quite the honeymoon. The wedding was perfect though I know G was tired. Foundation did such a beautiful job with the meal: Thai scallops and helping me tend G, taking him on a tour of the kitchen and giving him colored doubloons. And the cake -- I want to order more- strawberry cake with hints of key lime and coconut...crazy good. But the honeymoon: A and I went to NYC, of course, and while I did have difficulty walking thanks to the evergrowing belly, we hit the Met museum, Cooper Hewitt, SoHo for a tour of the tenements....Food-wise, we hit Mario Vitalli's restaurant Bacca[?] - I'm bad with names- , Pizza Neapolitano [ a new favorite] and Le Bernadine - heaven on earth.

The hotel was insane too: Hotel Rivington. We had a 9th floor corner room with views of the Brooklyn and Manahattan bridges on the lower East side. Japanese style bathroom, nice balcony, though I couldn't bear to look down. I want to stay there from now on, what hotel could possibly compare?

I'm wondering these days if I'm going to make it to Sept 19, Jack's big day. Everyone is eyeing the belly and telling me Jack will be early. I'm not sure what to say. But the facts are, he's a strong kid, my jumping bean [G was so mellow in the womb!] and I struggle to wak these days. Everyone at work is threatening to get me a motor scooter. I'm hoping I do make it to the 19th so the boys can at least share the 19th as their birthdays. That would be cool. And while G is virtually a carbon copy of me, I'm hoping Jack is more like A. One kid with my fears is enough. And, I'll be surpised if Jack isn't 80th or more on the percentile scale for growth. Half the time, it feels like he'll kick his way out. But I'm grateful for both kids, may they both be healthy and happy.

1st pregnancy

2007-07-21T01:39:00.001-07:00

To say the 1st pregnancy was much easier is an understatement. I was 5 years younger. I was 30 lbs. heavier than I am now but I don't recall limping along, during daytime hours and I certainly don't recall the stomach cramping. My female doctor noted that my uterus is hanging out of my distended belly [what the hell?]. Ironically, my male doctors tend to be more emotive and inquisitive - do I have any questions, is there anything I need? I do like the female doctor but our visits are very cursory and she wouldn't even hazard a guess re: Jack's weight. My favorite male doctor was right on the money when he guessed, 5 years ago.

But the stomach cramping, thanks to my distended uterus, sucks. Any suck it up attitude I had toward pain seems to have disappeared once I ran the marathon [back in 2000]. Now, I can't handle a toe stub. A says he wants another one and in theory, it'd be nice but I don't know if I can handle it. I'm not sure how I'll make it through the next 2 months. And sensitive Paul, everyone's favorite Marine [may G never be one] likes teasing me tha I'm a fat cow. Yeah, I'm sure his wife will love that if they go that route. And he wonders why I won't go out of my way for him. A nice guy, at other times, but too coarse for me.

Life is funny

2007-07-17T20:38:00.000-07:00

My mom makes me laugh. She likes expensive things on a Walmart budget. Nothing makes her happier than stories of you fighting your way through hoards of people at a Macy's sale to grab the last, pristine article at a clearance price. She wants to hear that you walked away with Franco Sarto after spending $15. Not likely, but that's what she likes to hear.

My ex, he was interesting. Money was no object if 1) it involved hospitality, 2) his pride or 3) both. I lived life well for awhile. Had a Volvo C70 before 30, while travellling to Europe for work and lived in a McMansion that fell shy of 6K square feet. Though I miss the house and the car, can't say I miss the ex too much. But it was nice for awhile.

Life has been good the past couple of years. After divorce, you're supposed to feel pinched, from lost income; my ex had been so tight with the money, I actually felt free, making the budget decisions for the first time in years. My credit's decent and while I spent more than I liked on lawyers, they were worth every penny and I've stayed solvent.

So it's funny to me when people want to fight over money. My counterpart is mad because the wedding price tag is mounting. I don't want to care about the price tage since 1) I have no plans to marry again after this and 2) I don't want to have regrets.

I'm 7 months pregnant, getting married. Where's the frikkin fun in that? My belly is hitting the floor and I can be a good sport about [haha] needing bumper beepers and stickers but it's not ok for me to want a ceremony and a dress. 2nd wife, 2nd time, what were the odds but I'm supposed to be content with a quiet courthouse wedding. Yeah, anyone but me.

Some friends I worked with liked telling me how difficult I am. Truthfully, it's almost a badge of honor. One guy gave me what should be my tomb inscription: I'm the 'worst' kind of woman. Because I think I'm low maintenance, but I'm not. I like attention. Frankly, I'm self sufficient [and I have no illusions about being low maintenance, since I'm very aware how little patience I have], I rarely ask anyone for anything. That makes me difficult, bully for me. I give what I get. Take it or leave it. Anyone can tell me I'm not good with money. But facts are, my ex tried to bankrupt me and while he may still be trying, I'm still here, credit intact. Anyone that wishes to call me irreponsible, let's see how they work their way out of $40K worth of bills and see how they're still standing.

Life is short. No one wishes that they could have deprived themselves more for bigger savings, on their death bed. And if my son or his sibling ever have the audacity to question how I spend my money, after putting them first, however old I am, I'll tan their hides. But life is funny, hearing the things that people say.

Seeing Jay

2007-07-10T20:04:00.000-07:00

My ex dumped G and my former nephew Jay off at the last minute, so he could play softball. I get so pissed, I was trying to organize my storage space so I have space for A when he moves in. And my ex, of course, wants to believe that his needs are more valid than mine. Figures, when things were starting to be amicable between us. However, inconvenient it was though, it's nice to see Jay. My heart will always go out to him, since Carol will never be the mother he wants, the mother she should be.

Of 4 kids, Jay is the last and final kid to choose to live with his Dad or grandpa, versus living with his mom. Her lifestyle is too volatile. She has left her current husband 11+ times and while I can sympathize with most women, I find it puzzling that Carol has the financial means to live on her own [she's a nurse] but she refuses to protect and nurture her kids.

Jay looks so much healthier now. No gray smudges under his eyes. He's allowed to grow his hair a normal length now and he seems much more assured than he was. How nice to see him healthier and happier. I wish I could take off from work tomorrow to entertain him and G but work has been too crazy.

My new theory on sloppiness is it's a refusal to grow up. Me: it's partly rebellion and adjustment, since I'll miss the space of the old house a good while [my clutter piles were minimal amidst all that space]. Jay supports my theory. He says his rooms's a mess. I don't know what it is but it's comforting to know that when you're room is a mess, you're the only one that can complain and you'll fix it when you get around to it. And messiness can be such a nice barrier, when needed. No more messiness for me, though, with A moving in. Even the car will have to be cleaned for the new kid.

But on seeing Jay, I'm happy. Hopefully, I can still be an auntie to him. He's the only Yannotti relation that I talk to anymore.

wtf

2007-07-06T01:46:00.000-07:00

Wtf is wrong with my family, my mom specifically. My godmother is stateside for undisclosed medical problems and I haven't heard about it and my cousin's mom is in the hospital a 2nd time for heart trouble [since this past Christmas] and I have to hear about this from my cousin? Instead, my mom treats me to her irritation with Tivo, since my dad can't get it to work. This is like 2 years ago: my best friend from H.S. lost her dad and I don't hear a word until after the funeral. Thanks, thanks for thinking to tell me.

This is why I obsess over my mom's mental health. Isn't it normal to tell people when something is wrong? Isn't it normal to pass on news, whether it's good or bad? What the hell? I would be so crushed if Tita Dita dies before I see her. She asked me to visit and I haven't got around to it. She's in NY but it's not like it's that far away. The guilt, the frikkin' guilt that I'll feel. God willing, she'll pull through.

I know people don't live forever but I stil can't help feeling robbed when people go. All the things that you could've said or done differently. And the fact that my godmother is stateside -- that's huge news! She's a world away in the Philippines. Have to love being the last to know. Beautiful.

*************************

A moves in next week: is he ready? Am I ready? We've already established I will never meet his standards. I am comfortable with managed clutter [small, multiple piles of magazines, mail and whatnot] and I've gotten rid of 4 piles. Of course, now that I'm down to 2 piles, he visits and still sees a mess. Not a good sign by any means.

But we did have the best time 4th of July. Hit Old Town Manassas for the holiday festival and listened to rockabilly sounds of the Grandsons, saw Gov. Tim Kaine, watched G bob for apples and saw the most amazing fireworks I've ever seen. They outdid the Capitol Mall fireworks significantly [and I'm a huge DC snob when it comes to fireworks]. I should've remembered the Southern penchant for explosives. It was the most time that A, G and I have spent together and it was good, quality family time: http://andrewwilsondesign.com/july07 .

Living with someone

2007-06-21T17:08:00.001-07:00

How do married couples survive? How can harmony be maintained when one party leaves shavings in the sink and the other party is a hypocritical slob? My fantasy will always be separate domiciles because then, no muss no fuss. You don't have to compromise, you each get your own space. Not exactly cost-effective for the Washington DC area but it's a dream I have.

It's always interesting to see older couples. Some seem so devoted and some...well, it's entertaining to see what they may see about the other partner. I'm hoping A and I can have patience with each other and work towards compromise most, if not all the time. Patience is not one of my strengths.

With G, I work hard at it because I don't want to repeat my parents' mistakes (it is nice to let a kid be a kid) but I've had the days when you're cursing a blue streak. Toss in the partner and a new kid and you have a hell of a Watergate salad. MMmmm, yummy. I never could finish Watergate salad though.

wedding expectations and the middle ground

2007-06-16T11:26:00.000-07:00

He wants a small wedding as in just my family at the courthouse. I want a small wedding that includes select friends and family. Small to him: less than 10. Small to me: 40 (each side invites 20 folks, including family). We have less than 6 weeks to plan. :)

My 1st wedding was so large: 250 people. My sister says it was 300. It was crazy fun. My ex and I had a line of convertibles for the wedding party. It was a fun little caravan from St. Mary's church to Ft. Belvoir. Steve broke the horn on my ex's car (didn't know you could do that). I asked that kids come to the wedding (honestly, what's the point of a wedding, if you don't embrace family) and we had the most fun, watching the girls twirl around in their dresses (and those are my favorite pics from the wedding). After the reception, it was on to the cigar afterparty at Matt's house. My cousins and select friends went to Matt's and I ran through the grass in my ballerina style dress. Silly, crazy fun. The wedding started at 10:00a.m. and we didn't hit the Ritz Carlton until almost 10:00p.m. It was all about the party back then.

Now...I have the better man but I still want to celebrate a little. I want my godchildren to be there and I want my friends to share this moment with us. I suppose I should only need the fiance but it's not that simple to me. I always want more. He wants, I want. For better or worse...I always want to find that middle ground. Wherever that may be.