Expressions

Moved to new Blog

2009-02-20T08:06:00.000+05:30

I've migrated my blog to my own domain hosted on wordpress. Here is the link: http://www.bhagwad.com/blog.

Cruise Gratuities and tipping

2009-02-11T03:38:00.009+05:30

Before we came to the US, a friend of mine warned us that America was a country of tips. He said that you were more than just expected to tip people who served you - they almost demanded it. Now I'm a guy who hardly ever tips. Sometimes I leave a few coins on the table in restaurants because it's too much of a headache to put them into my wallet. I had heard that tipping in the US was a customary 15%. Plenty of literature out there makes me aware that this figure has been climbing and now hovers around 20%.

Image Credit: Cali2Okie

But in the spirit of America (The whole when in Rome, do as the Romans do idea), my wife and I decided to tip while in this country. We agreed to pay a dollar or two now and then to the waiters who served us in restaurants. We never pay a percentage of the bill because most of the time that's too much. We travel a lot and dollars are scarce. We can never spare more than a couple.

Two incidents however have made me realize just how much the tipping culture has been ingrained into people in the US.

On a certain weekend, we decided to eat Korean food. We settled on a particular restaurant and while the food was good, the waitress (who may have been the owner) was somewhat inattentive and rude. We didn't really mind, and we simply decided not to leave a tip. As we were leaving, the woman in question accosted me and demanded to know why we didn't leave a tip! I was so startled by this, that I simply blurted out that we never left tips, upon which, she just walked off in a huff. My wife and I had a good laugh over her anger and went on our way.

But the second experience was more frustrating and really pissed me off. We went on a three day cruise to the Bahamas with a company called "Carnival". Now this was supposed to be an "All expenses" paid trip. Of course, it goes without saying that we chose this particular trip because it was the most affordable.

On the second day of the cruise, the bill arrived. And it was a shocker. Each of us had been charged $10 per day per person for gratuities (namely tips) - totaling a magnificent $60. For tips! I was stunned that the company included tips for the staff in the bill without asking me. Of course, it was probably there in the contract fine print - but who reads all that when on a vacation?

We almost had a heart attack. $60 is no joke and not something we can afford. My wife thought that we wouldn't be able to remove it, but I decided that it has to be outright illegal to force people to pay tips. So I went to the information desk and asked the woman to kindly remove it. She did so, and gave us envelopes whereby we could put the tips in cash at our discretion. They actually have envelopes for the purpose of tipping - I kid you not.

When I contacted the agent who booked the cruise and told her about this, she asked me why I removed the $60. I replied that I couldn't afford it. Upon which she said that the staff don't get paid for the services and that I should have paid the tips to make it up for them! I merely replied that I never asked anyone to clean my room or render any other service to me. If they did it without asking me, that was their choice. I shouldn't have to pay for something I didn't ask for.

Moreover, unless I'm mistaken, it was the job of the crew to clean my room. Since when do I pay people for doing their job? One might argue that the crew don't get paid enough and rely on tips to shore them up. My only answer is why is it my job to make up for their low wages? Sure the service was great, but I wouldn't pay a single cent for it.

I feel that most people are simply too ashamed or shy to walk up to the counter and demand that the gratuity charge be removed. The cruise company is essentially blackmailing us - pay up, or face the embarrassment. Of course, money is money and I would rather face any embarrassment than pay $60. Those who say that it was unethical not to pay, should realize that if it was so important, then they should have included the extra amount in the cost of the cruise upfront as service charge or whatever. Once I agree to pay a certain amount for a package, I should pay nothing else since it's already expensive as it is. I pity people who come with their entire families - those guys can end up paying hundreds of dollars in tips.

There are people who say that if I don't intend to tip, I shouldn't go out and eat or go on a vacation in the first place. What nonsense! Withholding my money instead of tipping is hardly illegal. If the waiters can't do without tips let the management include the cost in the price of the food. Don't expect me to pay anything that I don't legally have to - especially if I feel obligated to do so.

All in all, the American tipping system is rather odd. Not that tipping is an odd concept. What is unusual, is that people here demand tips rather than expect them - as if they have a right to my money.

Making India a Police State - Why isn't there an outcry?

2009-01-06T04:02:00.005+05:30

I was alerted by Slashdot about the recent surveillance laws passed in India that gives the police sweeping powers to monitor all Internet communication for any suspected offense. The police have the right under the new laws to break into my house and check if I'm browsing porn.

Image Credit: bennylin0724

This is not the point where I give my views on the illegality of porn in India. Suffice to say that I believe that it should not be illegal. But the new laws allow a sub inspector to force his way into my home on the suspicion that I am breaking the law. Normally there are two types of crimes. Those that are cognizable and those that are not. For an offense that is non cognizable, the police need a warrant from a magistrate to arrest someone.

The amendments to the IT bill allow the police to intercept my email, mobile text messages and conversations in order to investigate any offense and not just cognizable ones. In addition, the law also allows any website to be blocked in the name of the national interest.

How did I miss this historic amendment? Why has no Newspaper commented on the totalitarian laws? Why did I have to learn from Slashdot - from SLASHDOT - about a draconian bill that was passed in my own country? Apparently, the politicians have just wished away my privacy, and there was no one to even debate it!

I should have the right to determine how much of myself I want to share with the government.

The TOI did comment briefly on how 8 bills were passed in just 17 mins in Parliament, but I never imagined that one of those bills carried a death sentence for my privacy rights! How the hell did this happen? Did none of the politicians know the important implications? Possibly, but even if they did know, would anyone have said anything?

Even more puzzling, is the silence in India itself. No newspaper is objecting, no blogger is writing about it (Except for one), and no one in the whole country seems to care! I find it absolutely unbelievable. What the hell is happening? Wake up people!

The politicians are completely ignorant of the whole privacy issue. They can't seem to understand why anyone would want any privacy at all. And even if they did, they don't seem to believe that it's of any value. They've probably never heard of Benjamin Franklin and his famous quote: "They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety."

But what about the Indian People? Shout! Scream! What is the media doing? Raise a ruckus man! Don't listen to that old excuse "If you have nothing to hide why should you be scared ?". That's bullshit! I'm not ashamed of bathing everyday, but that doesn't mean I want to be on fucking TV.

I have seen outcries over so many other less important issues. Can nothing be done for this one? It's the thin end of the wedge. Realize people that your rights are just being wished away. One day when it comes to bite you, you'll wish that you had tackled the problem earlier. Learn from history. Watch some historical movies. See for yourself what state governments have reached who take away their citizen's privacy. Look at China! What the hell is the use of being a democracy when no one bloody knows what's happening?

What can we do? Only two options. The media or the court. Historically, the judicially has played a key role in defining and defending privacy. Will the court take suo moto notice of this amendment? I believe that India is a signatory to the the Universal Declaration of Human Rights which specifically defends privacy in Article 17.

Is anyone listening? Raise your voice I can't hear you.

Extraordinary Human Potential For Excellence

2008-11-04T05:28:00.007+05:30

I have recently recommended "The Count of Monte Cristo" to my wife, and as a result I am myself once more encountering characters that I loved like the Abbe Faria who trained Dante in prison. This extraordinary man, in the limited confines of Prison, had demonstrated the human potential for making the most of what was at hand and had created various devices for tasks like writing out of the most mundane objects.

Image Credit: absoluteSteven

Developing the Human Potential for Excellence

The Abbe had a most comprehensive grasp of Physics, Astronomy, Chemistry, Geometry and languages, and I cannot help but wonder at the ingenuity of a man who had defied all physical restrictions and was, I feel, able to live a much fuller life than the one I am myself leading now.

It humbles me. We humans use technology as a crutch, and as a result, our faculties are dimmed. Instead of evolving, we are devolving. My contacts are all in Gmail now, when in the olden days, I would have to remember them. But in the process of not using my memory, it has become weak. "Use it or lose it" is the principle that the body functions on with regard to it's faculties, and I'm afraid that compared to the giants of days gone by, my abilities are hopelessly atrophied.

I can't help comparing myself to men like the Abbe Faria and realizing that even if I wanted to, I can't reach their potential. They had the unfair advantage of necessity. Were I to embark on a course of development of my full potential, what use would it serve me? My training would break down because my common sense would reassert itself and tell me that there is no need!

It makes me almost hate my technological life that is stopping me from exercising my human potential for Excellence. Necessity brings out the best in men, and that is severely lacking in today's world. The olden days were more conducive to the production of great men who had a grasp and understanding of the world around them in fields as diverse as politics and physics.

We have so much potential, but we never get a chance to realize it. It's a tragic situation, and from what I can see, it's only going to get worse. Is there no escape from a future doomed to mediocrity and atrophy of our abilities, as technology renders them useless?

Speaking of inventions, my recent article explains why you might not want to patent your latest invention. It's rather devious though, so you're warned in advance!

Dying Unexpectedly

2008-10-14T01:30:00.003+05:30

I was reading Dostoevsky's "The Idiot" yesterday, and his description of what a man's state of mind when he is about to be executed really struck a chord. I guess I think of death more than most people - not morbidly, but as a matter of fact, and I always thought that I would face it calmly and certainly.

Image Credit: philipstorry

But suppose I'm on a death sentence, and I figure it'll be at least a week before my turn comes. I'm woken up at 5 am by a gentle tap and told that I am to be executed at 10 am. When we're asleep, or just woken up, is when our defenses are fully laid low, and there is no pretense or armor. I can't imagine how I would feel.

If, as a prisoner, I have accepted my fate and resigned myself to die in a week, how will I react to the news that I am to die forthwith? This combined with my having just woken up would, I imagine, throw me into a panic. Not because I wasn't expecting it. But because it's come up so suddenly, as if my life doesn't mean anything to whoever decided I was to die.

I would feel anger, helplessness. I don't want to die like that. I want to die having accepted the fact, without fighting against it. The Samurai had it right when they would kill themselves without a thought. But that is perhaps because they never viewed themselves as individuals with a will of their own, but rather as slaves of their master, and of destiny.

Why am I here? What is the use of doing all this if I'm just going to die one day? Where is the meaning?

I know the answer to all this. Life has no meaning but what you give it. And when I'm calm, I will remember it. But every now and then, I can still be shocked.

Why Freelancers can't take Vacations

2008-10-05T23:34:00.005+05:30

Freelancers, contrary to public opinion, have got to be one of the most hardworking of all professionals. Taking a vacation for example is much more pricey for a freelancer than it is for normal employees.

Image Credit: Kenzoka

Regular employees get a fixed pay and leave is usually included in it. When a regular employee applies for leave to go on a vacation, the only financial consideration is whether or not they can afford the vacation itself. Due to the nature of their work, freelancers have to content with many more costs.

A freelancer gets paid only for work done. Therefore, taking a vacation means less money coming in for that period. A regular employee on the other hand gets the same pay regardless of whether they take a break or not. In some cases, leave can be encashed. This means that an employee can actually get paid for not taking leave!

So if a freelancer has to take a vacation, the cost of that vacation is not only the actual money spent, but also the money that will not be earned for that period - in other words, the opportunity cost of being on leave. This turns out to be much more expensive, and acts as a deterrent against excessive leave taking.

Part of the purpose of this category of posts is to educate people and make them aware that freelancing isn't as easy as it looks. It has it's perks, sure, but if you can't handle the downside, then it's not something you want to take up.

Earlier this week, I examined the issue of software piracy and why Microsoft needs Piracy to survive. It's interesting how such a counter intuitive concept can actually make sense. Take a look at it, and leave your comments on what you think about it.

How Procrastination can kill your Freelance Work

2008-09-25T22:48:00.003+05:30

We've all felt it haven't we? As freelancers, we've escaped our bosses and externally imposed rules, only to be ruled by something which can be far worse - ourselves.

With no one to guide us, and no one to push us, we have to rely on our own radar, and then one is reminded of Shakespeare's words - "To thine own self be true, for thou canst not then be false to any other man".

It's amazing how many things can come between us and our work. An interesting piece of news, that mail from a forgotten friend, an article which cannot be missed. And before you know it, half the day (or more) has gone and we've barely begun our work.

Image Credit: tracer.ca

I've come to realize that freelancing makes you confront yourself and your motivations. It is the ultimate in self discipline precisely because it is not forced on you. You work for yourself alone, and you are accountable to yourself alone. No one to blame, and nowhere to run.

Of course I enjoy my work. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to stick to it for so long. But we have to watch out and keep focused. It's constant self improvement. And that makes me a better person in the end.

My latest article on my economics column on outsourcing has garnered quite a lot of response. Funny thing. I never expected it to. I felt that it was overly simplistic and would get blasted out of the water! But that always happens with me. Articles which I feel are not great always catch me off guard with the response they get whereas the articles I feel are great......well, y'know.

Why buyers should pay freelancers even if they dont' like the work

2008-09-19T00:29:00.007+05:30

I've rarely faced this problem, thank God, but it's something that every freelance writer has had to think about - "What if my buyer doesn't pay me if he doesn't like what I wrote for him?"

Some buyers feel that they have an obligation to pay a writer only if they like the output. At first glance, this kind of makes sense. After all, I didn't get what I asked for, so why should I pay? Let's leave aside for the moment, unscrupulous buyers who use this as an excuse not to pay.

Image Credit: Esther_G

First of all, when a buyer hires a freelancer, they're hiring his effort and his time. The fact that they hired him in the first place means that they are willing to put their money on their judgmental capability. Not paying a freelancer after they have written a piece of work is like refusing to pay a restaurant because they didn't like their beef steak. The restaurant wouldn't let them go would they? But it happens to freelancers all the time because there is almost no one to enforce payment.

Second, all writing has an opportunity cost. If freelancers spend time writing for a buyer, it means that they can't do anything else for that period of time. They could spend that time writing for job that will give them a sure shot payment. By spending that time working on an assignment, they're trusting the buyer to pay up. Otherwise, it's a very real loss for the freelancer, as time is money.

Fortunately, most buyers understand this and do the decent thing by paying up even if they don't like the work. After all, it is frequently due to miscommunication about the requirements that this happens.

Settling Down

2008-09-10T23:11:00.004+05:30

Well, I've arrived, and let me say, it's bloody difficult! I thought that being a Freelancer, I could just whip out my laptop and work away whenever I wanted to right?

Image Credit: veo

Wrong! More than anything, I realize that a good freelancer has to have a schedule. I know that lots of people feel that freelancing is cushy and that you have all the free time and flexibility in the world. To a large extent there is some truth in that, but what most people don't realize is that unless you have a schedule that you stick to day in and day out, you're not going to make it.

Reliability plays a big role in being a freelancer, and for me, I find that I can only be reliable when my affairs are settled. Finding an apartment, getting furniture, food, a phone connection and an Internet connection completely threw me off my work and it's only now when I have a semblance of sanity, am I able to get back to a good schedule.

My net connection hasn't been set up at home yet, so I have to work from a wifi hotspot. I had to find a relatively quite place before I could settle down. It's tough adjusting to a new schedule, but things seem to be on track finally. My buyers have been very patient and understanding about my move. Hopefully I will be able to justify their confidence in me!

Just waiting for my Internet Connection to be set up at home now before I resume my lazy little life. Here's hoping that all turns out well.

Moving to Chicago - Almost but not quite!

2008-08-28T20:33:00.005+05:30

It seems to be finalized. We're probably going to be flying to Chicago tomorrow night. I say 'probably' because we haven't got the tickets yet. Anything can go wrong!

It's about bloody time I say. We were supposed to be flying a week ago, and everything is packed and all. All my buyers on eLance and oDesk have been notified that I would continue my work from Chicago, and they're probably wondering "Not yet? When is this guy gonna leave?"!

Image Credit: Gerard Girbes

But that's the way it is in large corporations. My wife works for the largest IT company in India, and like all other large organizations, they have bureaucracy. Mail from this fellow, permission from that guy, clearance from these people, approval from another bloke, howls of "I sent you the mail, but you haven't......". Thank God I don't have to deal with all this!

One of my latest articles is how Robots will destroy our Economy. I think it's very interesting to see how we're going to be affected by artificial intelligence.

The thing I'm looking forward to most in the States is the purchase of a new Laptop. I still can't understand how they're three times more expensive in India than in the US. I mean I can get a great laptop from "Best Buy" for between $500-$700. The equivalent in India would be $1500 - $1800. So that's my first action. I want something with an international warranty, and from what I've been told, only Dell and Apple offer that. Since Apple is out of my budget, I'm going for Dell. I'm going to buy a Dell Inspiron Laptop.

It's at least twice as powerful as my desktop computer at home. And I'm a power user with Add ons and all. I try not to use the mouse and rely on keyboard shortcuts. I have some other pretty cool tricks and work practices too.

Anyway, let's hope that the next post will be from my new Laptop in Chicago :D. I need to get an Internet Connection as soon as I reach. I'll be staying in Schaumburg. Suggestions from anyone?

Moving to Chicago

2008-08-23T23:19:00.005+05:30

Now that my wife's company requires her to be on site in Chicago, I'll have to continue my work there. Actually, it's not in Chicago. It's in a little village called Schaumburg.

Things haven't been easy. We were supposed to leave this week, but the medicals haven't been scheduled yet. Also, my Internet connection was screwed for the first two days of the week. Something with the DNS servers. And I don't like doing half a week's work. I'm funny that way. Either I do everything, or nothing.

Image Credit: mfajardo

So I've lost a week's revenue. To make matters worse, I'll need to buy a laptop as soon as possible so that further time isn't lost. I'm trying to do some work in advance so that in case I leave in the middle of the week, my buyers wont' suffer.

The journey will take 36 hrs! I'm dreading the thought of spending all that time doing nothing but sit in the plane. At least I won't be alone. My wife and I can spend some quality time together without interruptions and phones. I can make progress on Burne's "What do you say after you say hello?". A great book with some fantastic insights into the motivation for human behavior.

I've just finished an article about Autos in Chennai, and how they manage to beat the laws of Economics by forming giant cartels. It's the only piece of work on the planet that addresses an issue that should have been analyzed to death by now.

Now that I'll be in the US, I need to earn at least $15 an hour to cover my costs. Of course, my wife will be earning big time, but hey, a guy has his pride. I want to be self sufficient.

Feeling rather sad about leaving my room in which I've worked every single day of the working week for over three months now without a break even once. I'll miss my routine, and I hope it doesn't make me careless.

Let's see. We should be flying in a matter of days now. Perhaps Tuesday or Wednesday morning.

The Picture of Justice

2008-07-29T19:39:00.009+05:30

When I was young, my mother gave me a set of Children's Encyclopedia by a gentleman called 'Arthure Mee'. In that, I found this fascinating picture of Justice. I used to look at it over and over again, examining that face. Even as a child, the impression I got was one of understanding, and impartiality.

Many years later, for some reason, I thought of this picture once more, and tried to find it on the Internet. I knew neither the name of the Painter, nor the name of the picture. I telephoned my mother, and asked her to look it up in the Encyclopedia, and give me the painter's name. The name was Pascal Dagnan Bouveret.

Even armed with this information, I could find no picture on the net, of this image. There were plenty of other paintings by him, but no record of this one. I could only imagine that no one thought it was good enough to put forward as an example of his work.

I'm not an artist, and have really no clue as to what separates good art from bad. All I know, is that this image haunted me. It was only recently that I finally took the step of taking the Encyclopedia, and getting the relevant page scanned. I corrected the contrast in Picasa, and the result is as you see. The picture has been uploaded to flickr under the caption "Justice is Calm, Justice is Fair".

I've now set it as my desktop background. I've never seen any picture of Justice like it. Most of the pictures feature the traditional blindfolded woman with the scales over her eyes. No personality at all. This picture touches me because I can imagine facing her in a dispute, and feeling secure that she will listen to what I have to say fairly and patiently. No misunderstanding can take place under her eyes.

At the same time, I would not want to be under the scrutiny of that gaze if I had something to hide. I am only too aware of the sword that leans against her, so ready to be picked up and used against the guilty.

One cannot miss the unmistakable majesty of the figure. Only after a while do you realize she's wearing a cloak, and then understand that it becomes her even more. No better caption can be had than, "Justice is calm. Justice is fair"

We Love the Unfashionable Bicycle!

2008-04-26T23:22:00.011+05:30

This post is an appeal to my fellow Indians to start viewing things in perspective. It's a foolish idea, I know, since people are so deeply rooted in the views that have been propagated to them, that they begin to feel that they are actually their views.

I'm defending the humble Indian cycle, which has been much maligned by people and which, I may add, I have the honor of referring to as my prime mode of transport.

I have seen all sorts of attitudes towards my choice of steed. I have seen disbelief, quizzical glances, downright disgust, amused tolerance, disrespect, and every once in a while, be it ever so rare, admiration.

I believe the prevailing social norm in India, is that the bicycle is meant only for teenagers, and the lower class. I see no self respecting manager of a company, or a not so self respecting brash youth eager to prove himself a man, making the cycle as their prime mode of transport.

It is during moments of contemplation, when these undeniable facts present themselves to me clearly, that I shake my head in disbelief at the commonly held supposition that Man is a rational animal. I won't go into the benefits of cycling in this post. They are far too obvious to me, and indeed, to anyone who thinks logically. If you want a good breakdown, read about the benefits of cycling in this article.

But perhaps I'm being too judgmental. Live and let live is what I say. So I have no grudge against those who use a motorized vehicle, beyond the rather obvious fact that they pollute, make a terrible noise, and in some cases, use up so much road space per user, that pathways in major cities are becoming increasingly difficult to navigate through.

However, I do wish that people would apply the same principal to me, harmless as I am. All over India, I encounter active prejudice against the most friendly mode of transport ever devised. And I'm not just talking about the way people look at you.

In almost all parking lots, prime space goes to huge cars, and the space filters down to motor bikes, until only at the very end, if you're lucky, you find a place to park your cycle. And in all cases, cyclists are forced to park in the sun, in a dilapidated parking lot that seems to say 'Here lie all the unworthy and unwanted items known to man'. Even the parking attendants are frequently rude to cyclists, while they bow obsequiously to the huge Mercedes close by.

I feel a just wrath, as I view the shabby treatment meted out to cycles by people who look at self worth only as a function of what society deems is important. These same people have visions of one day owning a car themselves, and being bowed to by other Parking attendants, and so it propagates. People who are unable to think for themselves.

The rest of the world has long woken up, and has recognized the benefits of the cycle. They plan entire cities taking into consideration the fact that they need to make it bicycle friendly. There, the cycle is an accepted mode of transport and there is no shame in using it.

The picture that you see, is of a policeman riding a cycle in an obviously cycle conscious society. And he looks so cool! In India, only the lowest of the police force ride a cycle.

Now my readers mustn't mistake me. I love my country, and I would not leave it. I guess that countries, just like people, are childish at first, and then mature as time goes by. I know this will happen sooner or later (but probably not in my life time) in India. But it is frustrating to see it happen! It's just something that we conscious cycle riders have to learn to deal with. We're setting an example, and that requires guts. Go Cycles!

The deception of work

2008-04-01T15:47:00.006+05:30

There is a certain attitude amongst middle class society in India, that I would like to share, having come under it's unappetizing effects rather recently.

The other day, my significant other (Don't know what else to call her - I never liked to tag her as my wife), informed me, that in the ET Awards function, India's top CEO's had replied, when asked how much time they get in their personal life, that this was not the time for India to be bothered with a personal life. That this was India's time to work as hard as possible. All this was received with much applause on the part of the audience!

The same attitude was visible in my previous office. The prevailing opinion was that to be worth something, you had to work hard. Even if there was an easier way to do it, one must work hard, complete the job with much sweat and toil, and be covered in glory. If an easier way was found, it was considered no great achievement. Great emphasis was placed on being seen to be working.

My recent situation, where I am exploring freelancing on oDesk as an alternative to traditional work, has been critiqued roundly by my father. He gives a number of reasons, not all of which quite stick together under close scrutiny, but underlying it all, is a primary reason. All the other reasons are rationalizations. The primary reason is that it seems too easy a life.

Again, I am lucky enough to live in my own compound, away from my parents, and not pay rent. My father feels that this is too easy for me, and I should work hard and prove (this word keeps coming up -'prove') that I can earn my own keep completely. To whom should I prove this and why? I don't need to prove it to myself. Pushed to it, I'm sure I can, but why should I deliberately push myself to it? Should I prove it to him? There's no need for that. I don't need to justify my existence to him.

There are thousands of people in the world who are luckier than me. Thousands of people who don't need to work at all, and have a quite easier time than I do. I don't grudge them their lifestyle. I don't grudge Bertie Wooster his style of living so easily. So why should I grudge myself, my own small portion of good luck?

What is this obsession with working hard for the sake of working hard? People seem to be deriving their self worth from how others perceive them to be working, and saying - He's a hard worker, so he's OK. As if there's a need to justify their existence to the world, instead of accepting that they exist. As if they are tendering an apology to the world, and to themselves, and saying "Here. I don't deserve to live. But see! I'm working as hard as possible, and not enjoying myself. Forgive me for the sin of existing."

Doubtless, this may be thought as an exaggeration, but an exaggeration is necessary when you want to bring home the point. I have observed this sort of attitude over and over again in several people.

My views on the matter, is that such people are not sure of themselves at all. They feel you have to earn your right to live. As if living is a commodity like any other that needs to be purchased. If one has to work, then of course one has to work. But one works in order to live. Not the other way round. If living comes by itself, then work become unnecessary. Work is a means and not an end. Of course, if one enjoys doing something, then let them do it to fulfill themselves. But one mustn't hold oneself up as an example, and say, "See! I'm working. Admire me, and follow my example."

Since when has material comfort solved the fundamental problems of humans? After 10,000 years of existence, we are still the same people, fighting the same battles, and facing the same problems, though in different ways. These existential problems are of humanity itself, and cannot be solved by outside means, but only through inward means.

How does one combat this trend in Indian Society? Indeed, the whole economic apparatus is geared towards making us feel this way. The economic system, once set in motion, becomes hungry to keep itself going, and for this, it begins to feed on the people whom it was created to serve in the first place.

Let me tell all the CEO's who had proudly proclaimed that this was not the time for Indians to pay attention to their family lives - "Mind your own damn business, and don't suggest to me what I should do. Look to yourselves first, and see how you're driven by forces outside yourselves. We are not slaves, but free people. And I will not be a slave to a false conscience that is being imposed on me by people like you. My true conscience is my own to keep."

New Avenues

2008-03-27T15:37:00.003+05:30

For the past few days, I've been taken up with a relatively new concept in India - Freelancing. Ideas of the sort had occurred to me before, but I hardly knew how to follow them up.

Then just a few days ago, my wife called me from work, and asked me to check the Economic Times for an article on freelancing, and I've been busy with it ever since.

The ideal of choosing my own work timings, not having to go to office in a suit, and to do whatever interesting job is thrown up, is an ideal, if it ever comes true. This is the closest I will ever get to it I suppose, if not actually touch it.

The jobs that are available online are so diverse and varied, that there is something to suit everyone. The various sites that I have looked into, are odesk, and Elance. Still keeping my fingers crossed about how well it's going to turn out, and I've just received my first interview request online.

One particular job on writing about the latest Scientific research for the lay public really appeals to me. I may not get the job, but I've applied for it, and I don't think I would have found the opportunity to even apply for something like that anywhere else.

Let's see how things turn out. If this clicks, it might be the way to go for me.

Fallen

2008-03-25T10:58:00.002+05:30

For the past few days, I have been looking out for a job that suits me. It's quite a stumbling block, that I don't know what to call what I do. The specialty that I have created for myself, is to take existing systems, and make them more efficient, usually using computers. Or, to create a system where none existed before.

But what is such a person called? My usefulness becomes readily apparent once I am IN the company, and then I quickly make myself indispensable. But how do I communicate this to the person who is considering me as a candidate? There must be professions that do what I do, but they're usually populated by oldies, or youngies (is there such a word?) who have specific qualificatoins that I do not have. My art is self created, and not taught from outside.

Another problem that I have been facing, is that of salary. When I joined my older company, I asked for a paltry wage, which I hoped, would not require me to work as hard as other people who got paid more. Now, I find that people looking at my previous wage, devalue my work as not being good enough to pay well. And as such, I have issued getting the kind of good work that I do best.

Actually getting a job is not a problem. Pushed to it, I can get a job easily enough...but to get a job that suits me is a challenge. Luckily, I have some time to work things out.

The difficult part, is dealing with the impression within myself that I am unemployed. Somehow, inside me, there is a part of of society that has become part of myself, that gives me the stigma of being unemployed. And this tortures me. I have had some difficulty in identifying that this voice is not really me, but my superego, implanted in me by my father, whose voice it is. Now that I recognize it, I am trying to tell myself that I must be myself, and not be pushed on to feel guilty by an internalized authority. I wish to be self driven. And not by a force, even if it is inside me, that I do not consciously endorse. I am no slave.

I'll never such a gosling, to obey instinct, but stand as if a man were author of himself, and knew no other kin - Coriolanus

It's not easy at all. It bites away at my peace of mind, and at my free time. I must not allow myself to feel guilty. How did I even reach this stage? I used to be strong, with a will of iron. And now I am soft and weak. That was necessity perhaps since I was not fulfilled. Now that I am, does it excuse me from being as much of a man as I was then? My conscience keeps reminding me that I am a fraction of what I am capable of being. But how do I get back on track?

I'll find a way. I have to. I must start afresh, and fight.

Doing what is right

2008-03-11T07:54:00.003+05:30

I left my job three days ago. I can't really explain why. There were several things that were wrong with the company, but none of them was the clinching reason. People who look at me say that I've done the craziest thing possible. In probably no other company, will I get the freedom to do exactly what I want as I did in this place. And in no other company, will things be as personal as they were here.

Perhaps that is part of the problem. Too personal. It's ironic really. When I was in Jabalpur, many of this blog's readers would have noticed me decrying the fact that most corporates are faceless, and they just manipulate the employees using perks in order to make them perform.

And now, I feel that that is just what I want. There is a lot of truth in the saying that a productive employee is a happy employee. Oh how the might have fallen! I just want a systematic way of working, where I know what I can do and what I must not do. I want to be appraised at regular intervals, and it's always nice if that leads to you getting more money.

I've calculated that if I invest Rs. 20,000 every month, as opposed to the Rs. 7,000 right now, I will be able to comfortably retire in less than 20 years, with piles of cash. So this is my aim now. The last few days have been a whirl. It's rather disorienting not to go to work in the morning as I'm used to. I've always been a routine person.

My wife has been the most supporting thing ever. I would never have quit without her support. Emotional support being as important as financial support. Once I explained in my lame terms why I was quitting, she just took it like a (man!?) and accepted it.

The part where I told my boss I would be leaving was the most difficult though. I had got rather attached to him, and he to me. He takes his company so personally, that he views everything in the same light-personally. I tried to tell him it was not personal, but I couldn't help feeling that I was abandoning him when he needed me. I felt horrible that I was leaving an old man after having come to him, and showing him a better way of doing some things.

I came home and cried.

I have to hand some stuff over at the office, to try and make sure that nothing gets derailed. But I'm almost afraid to go back into the office. Too many things might come back to me. I'm such an idiot. But I had to leave. And fast at that. If I had tarried, it would never have happened. I had to be as direct, brutal, swift, and complete as possible. I held my ground that I had to leave immediately for over one and a half hours with my boss. And I did it. Never mind that I broke down after it. But I did it.

Haikus - Breakfast

2007-08-06T09:14:00.000+05:30

Used fork lies lonely
Memories of a breakfast
Uniquely Human

A renewal? I don't know.

2007-08-03T09:06:00.000+05:30

It's been a while since I last wrote, and I know the reason why. I've been busy. It takes a lot of time to think clearly. For some time now, I have been aware of a certain fuzziness in my thoughts that wasn't there when I was in sabbatical in Jabalpur.

It seems that an artist needs to suffer if he (Pardon the 'he' instead of he/she, it's just easier to write) is to create something. Happiness is just not conducive to art. My huge edifices of thought that I built up in Jabalpur were due to the result of intense conflict, and struggle. I have never risen to a greater height, and am woefully aware of my inadequacy now.

Nonetheless, I have felt some creative urges coming up in me for some time now. But this means that I have to struggle to fit in time for creativity, into an already overburdened schedule. I've cut off superfluous interests, and still don't' have time for what I have left. I've given up chess, for me, the most poignant and romantic game. I've given up Japanese, and any new language. I've given up painting as well. And yet, I struggle to find time to play the guitar and sing, do my Tai chi, and read as well. Now I must juggle one more activity.

Nonetheless, it seems I have been learning. Apart from the huge learning in my office, and professional life, I've been tasting the undiluted experiences of being in a committed relationship. I haven't yet got much time for reflection on what I've been going through, because I'm still going through it. There are several challenges. Getting used to the fact that the person you live with has their own life, and their own personality, separate from yours, trying to juggle your work life and personal life, coming to terms with the other persons character traits, and accepting them for what they are.

I've also been relearning things about myself that I had forgotten. It's not as if the relationship has taught me anything I didn't know about per se, but just that I'm now walking the talk.

I've been doing my fair share of reading as well. I think my new favorite author is Feodor Dostoevsky. I had given the guy a whirl with Crime and Punishment, earlier, and thought nothing great of him. But when I read 'Brothers Karamazov', I was blown away. The man is a genius. His insight into human psychology is worthy of a Freud.

On the other hand, I've almost finished reading 'Anne of the Green Gables', by Lucy Maud Montgomery. It reminds me of how much I have lost.

I was walking home yesterday after a particularly rotten day at work (On a Sunday dammit), and it suddenly occurred to me that when I was peaceful in Jabalpur, I didn't know the people I am working with now, and I hadn't conceived of the project I am involved in now, and at that time, even without knowing about them, I was perfectly content. So surely they could not be that important. I look upon my Jabalpur experience, full of pitfalls though it was, as the time when I was closest to myself. And maybe wisest, though I have the feeling that after all my recent experiences, I will be wiser still, at some date after I have assimilated all that I have been through. Time.

So after this realization, I slowed down my walk, and began to look around with a lighter heart, and all at once I noticed things on the road that I had missed before, even though I have been travelling that very same road for 16 years now. A little bust of some guy, (a stud, I have no doubt) at the corner, a gap between houses filled with sand, beyond which there was a wall, which just invited climbing over and exploring, dozens of little alleyways, which some child will call home one day, and look back on with fond memories. It was delightful, and for a moment, I caught that which I had missed. Myself.

Grond

2007-03-21T22:54:00.000+05:30

With work on my Online Reporting System at Zak in Asp .Net proceeding rapidly, I thought that it was time to give it a name - Grond. I'm a big fan of Tolkien, and in his book, the Silmarillion, he mentions Grond, as being the Hammer of the Underworld. So now, it's Grond Online Reporting System. Ha, I've created a brand name!

It's odd. I feel as if I've made something that is outside me, and can be referred to by others. This sort of feeling reminds me that one day, I'm actually going to pass into nothing, and all urges to leave something behind, and make a mark, are symptoms of an imperfect acceptance of that simple fact.

Meanwhile, my Tai Chi is doing good. Some peaceful hours in the morning doing it, is really very soothing. Right now, I'm on an up curve. I'm active, I'm creating, and I'm doing things, with not much time in between to think. But sooner or later, this will break. I'll start getting contemplative, face an existential crisis, and then who knows what direction I will take. I might as well enjoy the up curve while I'm on it.

Office Talk

2007-03-20T08:34:00.000+05:30

I spend 70% of my day at the office studying. It's amazing how much I've learned over there. My online system in ASP was just the beginning. Now I've started using .NET, and what not. And I'm getting paid for this! Of course, I could do this at home as well, but in the office, I have a goal - My online reporting system. A practical, usable purpose. At home, I have no such goal.

My firm has some roadshows planned on the 4th, 5th, and 6th of April, in Bombay, Delhi, and Chennai respectively. I just hope that they don't drag me along with them for it. Three days of misery, if they do. I'm not very hopeful though.

I did my Tai-Chi today, but I'm finding that I run short of time, if I do my Tai-Chi and play my guitar at the same time. I think I'll need to shift my guitar to the evening for a few minutes. No choice. Also, I need a little more time in the morning for Tai-Chi. Got to perfect the left hand side of the movements as well. Then, the movements with the eyes closed, and finally, something I've never done, the movements with a vessel balanced on the head. I'm crazy. Completely.

All Sunday

2007-03-19T08:28:00.000+05:30

Sunday was pretty rotten. Was down with a headache, but gone now. I've decided to do some Tai Chi every morning before playing my guitar so that I can keep some modicum of flexibility. It's done me a world of good in the past.

Also cleaned out my room. Swept the floor and all. And most of all, in spite of the headache, I finished 'Insomnia'. Interesting book, but I think the theme could have focussed more on insomnia, and it's horrors instead of diverting to greater plans and purposes. He could have built a horror novel just on mindless insomnia, like he did with one theme in 'Misery'.

Downloaded the Canturbury tales by Chaucer, 'The Monk', and 'Brothers Karamazov' by Dostoevsky. I'll start reading one of them. Also started the short stories of Tolstoy at home.

No eggs this morning, so I'm going down to the show where I usually have breakfast, and have a couple of omlettes. Tea too.

Sleep

2007-03-15T18:51:00.000+05:30

I'm reading Stephen King's 'Insomnia' on my Palmtop. Whew! I never realized how important sleep was, and what a blessing it could be. Can't take my eyes off the screen. Guess I'm not completely done with modern books yet.

The cook is now shelling the eggs, so I get more time saving. Tea also, I make at home now. Back home early today. Was feeling so tired in the office.

Saving Time

2007-03-13T08:29:00.000+05:30

I've decided to have breakfast at home. This way I get more time to play my guitar, and my chess. I take considerable time to shell the eggs though. Maybe I can ask the cook to do that for me as well, so I don't have to waste all that time.

After years, I'm finally using an email client for mail. Thanks to Thunderbird, I can now access my free Yahoo! mail accounts with webmail extensions. Fantastic piece of software. And the Adaptive junk mail filters are something else!

Eating

2007-03-12T08:16:00.000+05:30

I've just put on four kilos. I hope it's not the beginning of a trend. I'll check my weight again on the 10th of April, and see. I've asked my mother to remind me via her diary. I'm now 57.5 kilos. I've never been this heavy. If this continues, I'll have to join the rest of the world in dieting. Aaaah!

But I can't say I've not had luck. I've eaten just about everything till now, and not had problems. Maybe it's time for even me to have some problems. Let' see. Meanwhile, I'm keeping up with my pledge to myself to play the guitar. The haiku need some dragging out though.