What War Zone???

Jewish Geography 2.0: Wasn't I in Bnai Akiva with Your Goldfish?

2009-11-25T09:42:00.002+02:00

Which of these two situations is less plausible?

1) You're walking through the shuk and come across an American girl looking confused. One of the shop owners asks her to leave her cart outside and she doesn't understand the Hebrew. Five minutes later, you see her again in a different part of the shuk. Fifteen minutes later, again. You decide to see if she needs help and say, "Hey, I've run into you three times. Do you need any help?" Then she says, "Are you Benji Lovitt? I'm Dan's cousin, we emailed a few months ago...I just moved here for the year."

OR

2) You're standing in line at the post office, talking on the phone with international celebrity and social media wizard Leah Jones when you tell her, "Gotta run, I'm next in line." The American guy standing nearby overhears you and says, "Hey, would you mind mailing this letter for me?", handing you an envelope and 10 shekels. You look at the envelope and realize you know the people in America he's mailing the letter to.

And to top it off, Dan's wife USED TO DATE THE GUY WHOSE NAME IS WRITTEN ON THE ENVELOPE.

The moral of the story? There are no more than 7.5 Jews on the planet and we're slowly approaching the point where they all know each other. Some call it Jewmageddon and some just call it crazy. But no kidding, this happens to me all the time in this tiny country.

Jewish geography for me used to running into someone I knew on the street or meeting someone and realizing we knew someone in common. Now? After living in Texas, Atlanta, NY, Israel, and working in the Jewish community, it's accidentally falling into a vat of falafel grease and finding out the EMT who saves my life not only is dating my ex-roommate, but found about out my blog from his nephew (who, by the way, has a twin sister that I met at a Tweetup in the Old City).

It happens about once a month and never ceases to make my jaw drop. Mmm, I just looooove me some falafel grease.

What Really Goes on at the Gilad Shalit Tent

2009-11-24T09:32:00.003+02:00

As you may have seen from my Facebook status, I volunteered at the Gilad Shalit tent yesterday for the second time. If you haven't seen it, the protest/awareness tent has been set up outside the Prime Minister's office for....how long? At least a year, yes? There are volunteers there from morning till night, seven days a week, manning a table while collecting signatures on a petition with the number of days Gilad has been in captivity displayed above.

The tent is located at the beginning of Aza Street which leads from King George St to the heart of Rechavia. If you live in the neighborhood or if you've walked to Rechavia from downtown 47,000 times like I have, you've passed it. And if you're like most people, you probably signed your name once and then proceeded to walk right by every successive time. Which I guess is ok because what else can you do?

Well, a couple of months ago, when walking by, I was compelled to grab a piece of paper with an email address to contact to sign up for a shift. I've never been someone who particularly enjoyed volunteering but I have the time and flexibility and it felt like a meaningful and pretty easy way to take part in an important cause.

So yesterday I show up again after somebody brings to my attention that, in light of recent news, this might be my last time there. Wow. So much for weekly volunteering.

Photo credit: NRG, or whatever Maariv calls their online version. Dumbest name ever. If anyone steals my pictures, you are to credit me as PYT.

I arrive at the table and meet Nilly, the same woman I sat with a month ago. What are the odds? As profiled in this Jpost article (along with some dumb oleh), she's 70 and has been coming all the way from the Tel Aviv area for over two years. I say "Tel Aviv area" because I have no idea what her region is called. The Sharon? Gush Dan? Jimmy Crackcorn and I don't care?

This woman cracks me up. She is vigilant about getting signatures, harassing people Middle East-style to sign their name even if they've done so before.

"I signed."
"It doesn't matter! As many names as possible!"

Are we sure this woman wasn't working in Palm Beach County during Election 2000? Ech omrim "hanging chad"?
The best part about volunteering is that I get to practice speaking Hebrew. With not a whole lot to do at the table, we chit-chat. (That's not a "chet".) Hey, guys! Didja know that being a foreigner is funny? She shares her memories of trips to America with stories about communication that sound oh-so familiar...

Like the time in 1974 when she tried to buy a Muppets lunchbox for thirty minutes. Why thirty minutes? Because the guy didn't understand her accent.

Minute 1: "Lahnch bohx."
Minute 5: "Lahnch bohx."
Minute 10: "Lahnch bohx."
Minute 15: "Lahnch bohx."
Minute 20: "Lahnch bohx."
Minute 25: "Lahnch bohx."
Minute 30? "Luuuuuunch baaaaaaaaaahx."

Ohhhhhhhhhh, lunch box!
What about this one? After learning that "cheder" means room, she gets on a shuttle only to find that the driver has shut the doors behind her, leaving her husband on the street. She tells the guy to open the door at which point he tells her there is no room. "Room? I don't need room, I hev hotel!" Nilly, if you had come thirty years later, you'd have a blog selling hilarious Israel t-shirts, some of which are expensively priced beyond your control (I told you, dammit, I'll take care of it...some of them are just fine....possible Chanukah present, Americans?)

In all seriousness, I am the Shwarma Eating Champion.
As a huge group of kids wait for their after-school bus, several of them walk up and try to take bumper stickers and yellow ribbons. Nilly stops them-not only are these kids barely housebroken but as she tells them, if one kid takes, they'll aallllll want. I leave the hard Middle Eastern negotiating to her. Later on, a kid walks up and tries the stunt with me. I give him the line in Hebrew: "If I give you, I'll have to give them all away." His response? "Az maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?" (So what?) Boy, they train them early here, don't they? Nilly tells me, "You know waht eez schnorer? In Eezrael, every-bahdy schnorer!" I smell a new national slogan. Get the Foreign Ministry on the phone.
Aleph, she offers me some of her vegetables, and bet, she gets off the phone to help tie a little boy's shoe. Only in Israel.
Out of nowhere...

Nilly: "Hachatichot lo ovrot" (The babes aren't walking by.)
Me: (laughing) "Ah whatever, all the girls in Israel are beautiful."
Nilly: "They are more beautiful in Brazil."
Me: "Yeah but they're not Jewish!"
Nilly: "So what?"
(pause)
Benji: "Wait, what do you care? For me?"
Nilly: "Why not? You know waht eez metch-may-kehr?"

No clue. Can anyone tell me? (10 minutes later) Ahhhhhhh, MATCH-maker!

A few passersby, a lot of media, and just being present, keeping him in the collective awareness. That's pretty much how it went down. Two hours later, I was home feeling good about my experience. While I hope to sit there for another shift, I also hope I don't. You know what I mean. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

If They Don't Know an Anat, We Have Our Answer

2009-11-15T16:33:00.002+02:00

One more day in the USA and it's back to Israel. While it's been a good trip, it will be good to settle down again and start working on my next projects. Which may or may not include some graphic design work. Looks like this Dizengoff store could use it.

What exactly are these people selling? See it? Methinks they shouldn't have jumped at the first logo that came across their desk. Or behind their desk. I think I'm going to end this post right now.

Thanks, Dov!

It's Benji Lovitt's Funny Israeli T-Shirts! Take That, Dorky Ben-Yehuda Stores!

2009-11-10T14:00:00.003+02:00

Big announcement below....let's get thru the GA wrap-up first....

Holy cow, I just left the GA. Can't describe it any better than I did last year. If you're a professional Jew, the power shmoozing doesn't get any better in the world. If I were an Israeli and walked into this big American party, I'd be looking around, rubbing my eyes, and saying, "Whaaaaat....the.....heeeeeeeeeeell......IS....this????" Only in Hebrew and with an "ehh" or two thrown in.

If you followed the #ga09 hashtag on Twitter, you may have kept up with some of the fun. I only regret not starting an #onlyatthega hashtag a few days ago. You know, for things like:

Where men stare at womens' nametags: Only at the GA
Where 5 Israeli men in suits walk into McDonalds: Only at the GA
Where a 10 minute conversation is quality time: Only at the GA
Where ALF, Dora the Explorer, and Alan Dershowitz grind on the dance floor: Only at the GA

Ok, I made the last one up.

It's the GA, people.
Even aliens wear jackets.

You get the picture. Aside from all the fun, I made a ton of great contacts and am excited to get home and start emailing. You know, after I drink cafe hafuch and put on some new clothes. I got to do 10 minutes or so of stand-up before the aliyah panel, sponsored by the Jewish Agency, which was fun. Too bad Natan Sharansky walked in only after I finished. He must have been at the bar working on his two-drink minimum.

Before everyone puts their nametags into storage for the next 12 months, I better get my most recent big announcement online. For 2+ years, I have walked past t-shirt shop after kiosk in Jerusalem and marveled at the completely lame, unoriginal, pathetic, low-brow, and stupid tourist t-shirts. You know the ones....the shirts which haven't changed in twenty years and probably longer than that.

Hilarious! And after these messages, Milton Berle!

"IDF: My Job is So Secret, I Don't Even Know What I'm Doing!"
"Don't Worry, America, Israel is Behind You"
"Super-Jew"
And of course, rock bands which reached their peak twenty years ago.

Enough already. People are ready for a new line of t-shirts. Can you see where this is going?

Welcome to the brand-new What War Zone??? Israeli t-shirt gallery! With t-shirts appropriate for 2009 and beyond. So far, we have around 10 different options, highlighted by the....here it comes, I'm so excited....."Yiyeh B'seder" theme!

Seriously guys, yiyeh b'seder.

Right now, they're being manufactured on demand only on the Printfection online store as I didn't have thousands of dollars and hours sitting around to get a t-shirt business up and running. When I get home, I'll be getting them up on an Israeli-hosted site as well for local pricing and shipping, and would like nothing more than to start printing them myself at some point. Lower prices for my loyal readers, bigger markups for me, more laughs for the general public. It's a win-win-WIN!

Aww yeah....you know you did.

So head on over to www.benjilovitt.com/shirts or shirts.whatwarzone.com to browse around and smile. Be sure of course to read the descriptions. Your feedback is absolutely wanted and welcomed. Like everything in Israel, it will take some time to work out the kinks but, remember...we're only 61. We're getting there, baby!

Huge thanks to my friend and designer, Hillary Menkowitz, who drew these up faster than you can say "flying falafel balls." Another thanks to WWZ reader Jason Leibowitz of Bikkurim who helped me set up the URLs. And to anyone who gave me great feedback.

And before 800 people chastise me for not sticking to my guns by spelling it "chumus" on this shirt, I know, I know....it was a battle of ideology vs. marketing. The dollar won the battle...we will win the war. It's chumus, dammit!

You're the hummus-wrestling champion.
SHOUT IT OUT!

So buy a shirt, spread the word, Tweet, reTweet, Facebook, blog, Jdate, Friendster, Saw You at Sinai, two-cans-and-string telephone, and definitely Google Wave it.

Oh, and one more thing...it's not too early to pre-order your tickets to the biggest Jew party this side of Kiryat Gat.

GA2010: See You in Beersheva!

Signed up on FB for updates yet? Everybody's doing it. Ok, some people. Who I paid.

This Makes the Inane Security Checkpoints Much More Tolerable

2009-11-04T17:59:00.003+02:00

Greetings from the free wifi of the Indianapolis airport! Holy crap, I don't believe it either. On the heels of the free wifi in the Charlotte airport yesterday, big things are happening in the United States of America. BIG THINGS! Looks like it's not just Ben-Gurion anymore....

Unfortunately my USB cable is packed so no picture of me in Purdue Hillel but my first student show was a blast. College kids are funny. Nothing better than filling up the Hillel sign-in list with names like "David loves (word for male genital)", "Jason loves (word for male genital)", "Rob loves (I think you get the picture.)" Either Jewish boys in West Lafayette love male genitals or they were in the mood to laugh last night.

You either get it or you don't....

My friend Phil, director of the Hillel, made an Israel-themed dinner for the students. Out of curiosity, I made sure to taste one falafel ball. I have to say, when I imagine living in the States, someday, I have horrible visions of showing up to some small-town (or even big-city) JCC, eating a disgusting falafel/hummus (yes, I spelled it that way on purpose, what they serve isn't chumus), and witnessing Israeli dancing to "Hava Nagila". You know, because that's what we shake our rumpuses to in Tel Aviv. (Is that the correct plural of "rumpus"? Is it "rumpi"?)

Of course, the falalel ball wasn't so good with no connection to Phil's culinary abilities. Good thing I had a 12 inch tuna sub from Subway. Ahhhh, heaven.

Ok, off to DC. Will I see any of you tomorrow night?

Updated Tour Schedule (Subtitle: Insomnia and Other Things That Suck)

2009-11-03T14:03:00.003+02:00

Phone woke me up at 4:30 AM, thanks to US Airways sending me a flight update. Can't sleep. This might be a good time to post the updated schedule to my little tour. NOTE: the Maryland show has been moved from the 11th to the 8th.

November 2, Memphis
November 3, Purdue Hillel
November 5, DC, Midtown in Dupont (Birthright Next)
November 6, Rutgers Hillel
November 7, Congregation Beth El in Bethesda
November 8, Maryland Hillel
November 9, GA (that's not Georgia)
November 10, Boston, Northeastern University
November 11, Penn Hillel
November 12, University of Florida Hillel
November 15th, Dallas, Israel Bonds

For more information, contact....well, them. If you're reading this blog, you probably know what to do.

We now return to lying in bed being awake. Since this has happened 3 straight nights, maybe this is my body's way of telling me that I need chumus.

Heartbreak Kotel, Dome of the Jailhouse Rock, and Other Failed Israeli Elvis Songs

2009-11-03T08:30:00.000+02:00

Greetings from Memphis, Tennessee. Or as they might say here, "Shalom ya'll." (misspelling intended...drives me crazy).

Been here about 30 hours and leaving in 9. I didn't get to go to Beale Street but I did eat some BBQ and go to Graceland this morning. Hey, have you heard about this Elvis Presley fella? Apparently he was quite popular. Before I get a few hours of sleep, here are a few quick pics....

Here's a picture from Corky's BBQ which cannot be described without someone telling you that the owner is Jewish. I assume that his name isn't Corky nor is he a pig. I love how there's no business venture that a Jew isn't involved in somewhere, regardless of whether it's a Jewish project or not. Doesn't work the other way. Nobody gets involved in our stuff. You'd never overhear this in Katz's Deli:

"Mmm, this whitefish is fanTAStic! Is the manager here?"
"One second....MOHAMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!!!!!!!!!"

The onion loaf, awesome blossom, or whatever the hell you want to call it. I call it "cardiac arrest on a plate." While I didn't see Elvis's face in my plate, I did see a metric ton of grease.

My Israeli friends tell me Americans apologize too much. "Sorry....excuse me....sorry...." After seeing this message on the door at Graceland, they may be right. They're apologizing for our pictures not coming out nicely??? Oh, come ON...

Show #1 went fine...I expect them only to improve. Another update later with more shows and one date change.

I Love Airport Blog Entries

2009-10-29T17:29:00.000+02:00

Written some number of hours ago...on little sleep, no energy to proofread although I think I did it on the plane.

Shalom, my loyal readers, from 10,000 meters up in the air. I think that’s around 30,000 feet but because I’m American, I refuse to learn the metric system. Get with the program, world-a system of measurement based on the power of 10? Pshaw, I say!

I can’t sleep. At the GA last year, I picked up a free inflatable neck pillow courtesy of one of the sponsors’ booths. Am I an idiot or can I not figure out how this thing works? Wait, those were the same options….I messed that up. I blew it up, put it “on”, and my body’s posture was no different. My head still makes contact with the seat, thus providing with me no more comfort. Is it because I have a long neck? I feel discriminated against. Is this what it’s like to be left-handed in a school desk? Get me the ACLU. Or the BBB. One of those letter things.

A bit after finishing my last post, the Nesher picked me up. “Nesher” by the way is Aramaic for “taxi which picks you up a full calendar year before your flight.” The train from Tel Aviv is nice, I miss that. Maybe that’s why they put wireless in Ben-Gurion, to keep the early arrivers from complaining too much.

Flying home for Thanksgiving? Run outside, IT'S WAITING FOR YOU!

Israeli citizens, does security not even ask you questions anymore when you check in for a flight? A year or two ago, I loved going through the interrogation in Hebrew and feeling good about my language proficiency. The last couple of times? Right on thru. “That’s it? Nothing? Don’t you want to know where my parakeet had his bris?” C’mon, you guys, ask me something! Please?

Upon checking in, I ask if there are any first class seats that they’re just dying to give me. I have a ton of Delta miles….nothing? Of course I’m not willing to USE these miles, I’m just hoping some nice cajoling might make a difference (ech omrim “nice cajoling”?) Of course I don’t really expect them to say yes, at least not before I deploy my secret weapon. You better believe it: I called him “achi” 485 times. Americans, the moment you call someone “achi”, you immediately become brothers. Same DNA and everything. Strange-it didn’t work this time. The guy must have other siblings as well.

My friend Moty came to the airport to give me something to take to the States. During the handoff, I did the obligatory “security! I don’t know who this guy is!” joke. One of these days, they’re actually going to hear me. The first time someone gave me a package to take to the States back in ’95, I was afraid to say “yes” when security asked me the questions which of course only made me nervous. I definitely should have gotten thrown in jail for something. On the way out, Moty wished me teesa n’ima. I bring up the whole teesa n’ima/nesiya tova thing. You’re one or the other. Can’t be both.

While Moty was getting his shake from Juiceland (by the way, about five years ago, I was like “what’s Gooseland???”), I headed to the Middle Eastern place all the way down on the left next to the post office. (Is there a better term than “Middle Eastern place”? The whole country’s a Middle Eastern place. You know, falafel, shawarma, Kassams, etc.) “Falafel b’pita.” “We’re out of pita.” Would that ever happen at Subway ever ever EVER ever? “Lemme get a 6 inch tuna.” “We’re out of bread.” “I’m outta here.”

I don't know how to tell you this but we're out of pizza.
Can I offer you some cheesy bread?

I forgot my adaptor. Which only means I can’t keep my laptop charged at the airport. Yiyeh b’seder. If that’s all I forgot, I’ll be just fine. I did bring socks, right? Actually, it’s such not a big deal, I didn’t even need to waste a yiyeh b’seder on that. That was like playing spades when the high card is a seven of hearts and you blow it out of the water with the ace of spades. Totally unnecessary.

Throughout the entire flying experience, they mostly speak to me in Hebrew. This has happened in general for the last couple of years. I usually attribute it to the way I carry myself and my Hebrew but is it possible it’s due to my shaved head? How can we test this? Let’s get Janet Jackson over here and shave her head, see what happens.

I’m in zone 4. Seriously, I could buy a ticket today to fly on May 14, 2048 and I’d still be in zone 6. What the hell are the zones correlated to? Has anyone ever been in zone 1? Does anybody even know anyone who’s ever been in zone 1? Would this person be willing to conduct an interview?

I love blogging from Ben-Gurion. Never gets old.

The What War Zone Comedy Tour 2.0! (How Much Mexican Food Can an Oleh Eat in Two Weeks?)

2009-10-28T18:41:00.004+02:00

11/3/09 Updated schedule here

Get ready, America: for two and a half weeks, one man will try to survive without his tri-daily chumus feedings (although he may shove a few servings of fajitas down his throat). On the heels of February's tour, I'm coming back to the States tonight for a couple of weeks to either spread the good word about living in Israel or make people so terrified of hairy, screaming shuk vendors that they'll never come. Unclear which it is.

I look forward to meeting with young people and clearing up a lot of misconceptions about what it means to make aliyah. In case any of them saw this ad.

"Learn to speak Hebrew in just one week."
Seriously, Ulpan Or?
Why don't you go to hell in one week?

You see, my loyal readers, apparently Diaspora Jewry and Israel just aren't on the same page these days. Israel doesn't get them, the Diaspora is falling out of love with us, what's a Jewish population to do?

They're to call Benji Lovitt, that's what. To bridge the differences between the two peoples in a way that they're simply unable to do themselves. You see, Diaspora Jews, Israelis are the warmest, most wonderful people in the world. But they don't sugarcoat, they don't act fake, they simply tell it like they see it. Take this example from an online Israeli dating site. "Body type": Hmm...which one to choose? Let's see, don't see it yet, keep going to the bottom...OH!

שמן. Fat. If they're going to ask you to enter self-esteem,
they should really do it before this question.

And Israelis, Americans are good people too. They're hard-working and friendly people. And after all that hard work, they like to spend their hard-earned money enjoying life. Especially on fried things.

I spent three minutes staring at this ad. The last few years have introduced us to iPhones, Twitter, and Google Wave. What could possibly be new about the Bacon Deluxe?

Should be a good time. Here's what I know:

November 2, Memphis
YAD 2010 Kickoff Event, details to come here
It's going to be so awesome, you'll need two months to recover before 2010 begins.

November 3, Purdue University
7:00 PM, Hillel

November 5, DC
6:30 PM, Birthright Next "Reverse Mifgash" (Part of week-long mifgash between Birthright alums and real live Israelis. By the way, did I ever tell you my rap name? Reverse Crembo. I'm white on the inside, black on the outside.)
Midtown (Dupont), 1219 Connecticut Ave NW
Register here

November 7, Bethesda
Congregation Beth El, opening for Avi Liberman

November 9, DC
Two letters: GA. Which explains this recent Tweet. If I can write a blog post half this fun, we'll all be winners. Thanks to the Jewish Agency for making this and the 11th happen.

Smile, Bibi! We'll do chumus shots at the NextGen dinner.
Just don't arrest me this time.

November 10, Boston
7:30 PM, Students For Israel at Northeastern University
Contact nusfin@gmail.com

November 11, College Park
University of Maryland Hillel
I am SO excited, Terps! Maryland is my favorite school!

November 12, Gainesville
University of Florida
I am SO excited, Gators! Florida is my favorite school!

November 15th, Dallas
Israel Bonds
I am SO excited, Dallas! Bonds is my favorite security!

If there's info missing, just contact the local organization as they're sure to know more than me. I hope to meet lots of you guys and if you know anyone in these cities, please feel free to spread the word.

My sheirut arrives in 2 hours. Another big announcement coming in the next week or so.

UNHEALTHY, INCREDIBLY DELICIOUS FOOD....HERE I COME!!!

Nothing Like a Little Local Flavor

2009-10-27T19:20:00.000+02:00

I was in Haifa last week. Ahhh, Haifa. Nice place, actually. Have I written about big city snobbiness? I lived in the City for three years immediately before living in Israel. (I'm already going to digress. Once I lived there, I instinctively started calling it "the City". I wouldn't be surprised if non-NYers or non-Americans found that annoying. I've never talked to anyone about it before but it's a bit pretentious, no? THE city? How does NY get claim to it? What about other big cities, if not older ones? Maybe it makes more sense while talking with other NYers more than with general people. It doesn't bother me but I'm sure it bothers somebody. Now I'm thinking like a non-American. Anyway, from this point on, I'm calling Kiryat Malachi "Ha City.")

So when I lived there, I was very turned off by the New York snob who didn't acknowledge life outside of the city. "You can't get a good cup of coffee outside of the city." Are you serious? How about anti-psychosis medication? I was more than willing to respect if not agree with the viewpoint that NYC is at least the greatest city in the States but the corollary that no other city is worth living in or visiting or has any merit is crazy talk.

Here I am living in Israel now. If you're an oleh, or at least an oleh in your 20s or 30s, or a single oleh in your 20s and 30s, you're moving to Jerusalem or Tel Aviv. That's it. I'm talking, what, 95%, if I can make up a number? I've only been here 3 years but from where I'm standing, it's easy to have some a bit of a bubble mentality and sometimes have it hit me, "wow, I almost sound a bit snobby". I remember driving through Tiberias 3 years ago, thinking "who LIVES here????" So when I go to a place like Haifa, it's a bit bizarre to realize I'm in one of Israel's cities which is neither Tel Aviv nor Jerusalem, and one which I don't know at all. I wonder, "what are their lives like? what do they think about X, Y, and Z? are they different from me?" If that last question sounds silly, Israelis say kibbutznikim are "different" (haven't exactly figured out how) and someone just told me yesterday that people in the Galil are different and more laid back. I should say that I do acknowledge the merits of living in other places, it's more that I have a hard time putting myself in their shoes and sometimes am unable to imagine living there.

From the small amount of time I've spent in Haifa, I like it. It's pretty, green, the views are great, and it's just new to me. They even have different cafes, more than just Aroma, Cafe Cafe, Hillel, etc. I went to not one, but two branches of Cafe Greg. Am I the only one who thinks that's a weird name for a cafe in this country? That's appropriate, I guess in the same way I'd expect to drink coffee in Cafe Steve and Beit Jerome.

Anyway, I had a brownie which wasn't bad but probably not worth 33 shekels for which I could have gotten a meal. What's IN a 33 shekel brownie, cocaine? It's possible I got the wrong receipt since they just wrote "ארוחה עסקית". That's my new business plan: start an overpriced restaurant, just write "food" on the receipt regardless of what they order, and charge 90 shekels for everything.

At least it was a quality place as evidenced by the bottom of the receipt. Remember, folks, in Israel we read right to left. Or something.
As always, my biggest question is "do they even know???"

One more thing: my male friend (not the ONLY one but one of them) is looking to rent out his spare bedroom. He's a good guy, you can trust me. After all, I am "real only the town in blogger".

Bat-Yam : 15 minutes from center of Tel Aviv
1 Bedroom in a 3-room apartment. Renovated. Fully furnished + all appliances.
1,500 NIS/month.
054-542-8405
*I'd prefer a lone-soldier, in which case the price is only 900-1000 NIS/month (or whatever they get from the army).

I Know Middle Eastern Food Can Be Spicy But This is Ridiculous

2009-10-25T22:40:00.002+02:00

Been a bit of a slacker with the blog posts as of late but I've been a bit busy. Details to come soon.

If you're not hungry for more What War Zone content, then maybe you're at least hungry for some delicious Israeli food. Whether it's kababs, juicy vegetables, or tasty cheeses, we have it all. If you're a purebred Ashkenazi, be wary of spicy foods as the Middle Easterners don't mess around. I know food can be spicy but what the hell is this about?

Apologies to the disappearing Kinneret but I'm going to need another glass of water, please. Todah.

Hat tip: Judah

This is What We're Dealing With in the War Zone

2009-10-22T18:30:00.001+02:00

We already know that our enemies will do anything to influence world opinion, having doctored photos during the Second Lebanon War. They're at it again, people.

Last night, in honor of the President's Conference, Some Dumb Oleh, aka Benji Massachusetts, attended a networking event sponsored by ROI, CLI, Presentense, Lassie, the Doobie Brothers, and Encyclopedia Brown. Massachusetts was captured on camera with one of the blogosphere's most well-known celebrities, Mr. Jewlicious. Here is the original photo.

Unfortunately, the photo appeared today in Al-Jazeera having been doctored by members of the Al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade. See if you notice any differences.

That's right, the military base under my kipah is made to look slightly bigger. Are we going to stand by and let lies rule the day? NOT ON MY WATCH!

Write your local newspaper editor and speak your mind.

THE TRUTH WILL SET US FREE!!!

Looking for a vacation package? Contact Benji Massachusetts Travel Agency!

Photo credit: The Talented Joel Haber!

Forget Madoff, Hadassah Has Other Issues to Deal With

2009-10-16T15:54:00.005+02:00

Just over 10 months ago, Bernie Madoff ruined the lives and financial situation of countless individuals and organizations with his Ponzi scheme. Hadassah was possibly the most highly profiled victim, having lost tens of millions of dollars.

Apparently, Hadassah's demise was greatly exaggerated. Is it fair to say that happy days are here again? It is if this upcoming event is any indication.

Let's take a look. Ok, it's a donor weekend in Las Vegas. Program brunch with a speaker from the Shalom Sesame series, that's educational. Shabbat socializing, very nice. Blue Man Group, good times.

(cough!) Excuse me, WHAT?! Am I reading this right? POLE DANCING LESSON? At a Hadassah convention? Ech omrim "I think I just threw up in my mouth"??? Sorry for being turned off but something about Faigy Rabinowitz grinding onstage while "Pour Some Sugar on Me" plays in the background is a little disturbing. I don't care if it is a young donor weekend, this is just wrong. When they wrote "Vegas baby!" at the top, I guess they were hoping that the pole dancing would lead to Jewish continuity.

Good job, Hadassah ladies. Now get on the floor and make some Vegas babies. Fellas, next time you think about putting a single into the little blue pushke, you may want to hold onto it for a different use.

"Give it up, fellas, for The Lovely Myrtle!
Please remember that your donations will help build a new
emergency trauma center in Ein Karem."

It's not too late to register...see you in Vegas!

(By the way, you're all invited to the ADL wet t-shirt contest this Sunday.)

And if you haven't joined my FB fan page, feel free to do so.

BREAKING NEWS: ALF to Attend Jerusalem Tweet-Up Sunday Night!

2009-10-15T12:23:00.001+02:00

That's right, people, it's time for a Tweet-up! The last couple I attended were so much fun that we've decided to do another. Sponsored by Jewlicious, Tachl!s, JewTube, the JTweets FB group, some dumb oleh, The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, Billy Bob Thornton, and the Partridge Family, you won't find a more fun engagement Sunday night.

We don't need no stinking bars! We're doing it Jerusalem-style once again, getting together in the shuk. Come out at 8:30 PM; we'll be hanging at Cafe Aroma in Machaneh Yehuda. If you want something a little stronger than coffee, bring your own or pick something up at the makolet around the corner. And if you want to drive, you can park in the shuk itself. How cool is that?

By the way, have you ever tried to explain a Tweet-up to someone?

Friend: "Let me guess, you go to some bar with people you've never met and stand around fidgeting on your cell phone. (silence) What, seriously???"

Well, not exactly. Israel's a small country. If you've been, you'll reconnect with online and offline friends. If you've never been, I promise you'll have a good time and you'll surely see someone you know. Even if you don't have a Twitter account.

Spread the word! FB invite here.

More Great Moments in Israeli Marketing: Oh Dear...

2009-10-12T21:59:00.004+02:00

This is across the street from the Old City. I don't even know what to say.

Ummm....nice weather we're having, isn't it?

One Step Closer to Reactivating My Friendster Profile

2009-10-11T14:08:00.003+02:00

Remember the old days of social media when your friends were actually friends?

Things I won't be doing today:
1) The back stroke in the Yarkon.
2) Body shots of amba
3) Following a Twitter profile called "Anti antisemitism".

Now if "Anti anti anti antisemitism decides to follow me....well, my loyal readers....then we have something to talk about.

CAN I GET A FREAKING VOWEL UP IN HERE???

2009-10-08T14:58:00.006+02:00

Twenty minutes ago....Cafe Hillel on Emek Refaim....me, standing in line waiting for my haloumi sandwich. While I love sandwiches in this country, I have yet to actually figure out what haloumi is or what other substance on the planet shares its texture. Are we sure they're not accidentally putting the rubber packaging of the cheese in the sandwich?

Anyway, I see a jar of jelly on the counter labeled "ריבת משמש".

Me: "What's m'shamesh? Useful jelly?"
Employee: "Lo, MEESH-meesh." (apricot)

(Laughter ensues.)

What's that, they say? It takes five years to feel at home? Can we get NBN on the phone, please?

And since I'm typing this from the office of the Jewish organization PresenTense, I'll include a link to a recent TV clip about their offices where free-lancers/self-employed people/arsim are invited to work (just kidding, arsim...who am I kidding, they don't read English). Ten points if you can identify some dumb oleh in his cameo appearance.

Five points if you can figure out how to make this graphic a link.
Forty-seven points if you send me chumus.

Sorry, Mac users, this country's working on it. Repeat after me: "We're only 61...we're only 61..."

Hey, Have You Heard of This Youtube Thing?

2009-10-07T00:47:00.003+02:00

Here are a few linky links in honor of Sukkot...

From Molly Livingstone of The Big Felafel who made our Rosh Hashana video...

To those of you who are asking me how I'm spending my time these days, here's an instructional video I made a couple of days ago for the hi-tech company Fring.

If you're wondering how to buy a lulav and etrog for the holiday, you might learn a thing or two from Heshy of Frum Satire.

And from loyal reader Danielle, check out this site. On Living Craigslist, this guy Jason will be living off everybody's favorite sales and barter site for a year. Food, shelter, work...you can follow his escapades there.

And since there's no accompanying video, I'm making one up. I swear, I've now seen approximately 45,000 "Single Ladies" videos including the original, the dancing baby, and the "It" mask. Why haven't we seen the dancing chassids yet, is that too much to ask? Here's my favorite, since anything with Samberg and Timberlake has a 99.8% chance of being hilarious.

I Got Detained by Bibi's Secret Service. And How Was Your Chag?

2009-10-01T15:25:00.003+02:00

Ok, let's get some housekeeping out of the way (whatever the hell that phrase means). The winner of the Jgooders comment contest is? Tsippy Gurion, with her fake fund name "Born Free- The society for returning all Beitar Yerushalaim fans back to nature." They were all great but that one made me laugh out loud on two separate occasions. No worry about offending Beitar Yerushalayim soccer fans. I'm quite sure they're not reading. I mean in general.

I'm not sure what the statute of limitations is to write about Yom Kippur but I suspect it might coincide with the beginning of Sukkot. Here we go....

We'll do it bullet style:

We call the last pre-fast meal "aruchah mafseket" (the stopping meal). Can you say that, boys and girls? Huh, can you? Had never heard that in the States. Do you ever have post-meal regret 10 minutes later when you're like, "Oh, Jesus, I didn't eat enough. Can I have a do-over?"
One of my friends offered the option of going to a Moroccan shul. I feel like the chagim are a bad time to experiment. This is my big yearly shot to wipe the slate clean. I don't want to funk it up like I'm at an Enigma concert or something. Gimme boring Ashkenazim, not, you know...whatever it is they do at Moroccan shuls.
Because Kol Haneshama was packed tighter than a progressive synagogue in the German Colony, I decided to just walk around and soak up the atmosphere in Jerusalem, my first Yom Kippur in the holy city in 17 years. I don't want to say Israel is a dangerous place, but I almost got run over by some ars going the speed of light on his bicycle. It's Yom Kippur, shnitzelface, not the Tour De France.

"Marty, once this baby goes 88 mph..."
"Doc, that's a Jew. It's Yom Kippur."

Here's where things get interesting...paying attention?

On the walk home, I decided to detour from Keren Hayesod into Rehavia because I find that walk up King George boring. (tense change) So I turn left at the Inbal hotel and walk down Jabotinsky. A few minutes later, I come to a cop car blocking the road. "Is everything ok?" "Prime Minister." Ah, wow. That's interesting. I didn't see him, just a group of people walking ahead of me. A couple of minutes later, he lets me go at which point they were no longer even in sight. What the hell, why not follow the group and maybe get a peek at the guy? It's not like I was the only one on the street...for those of you who don't live here, his compound thingy is right in the middle of a residential neighborhood.

I turn right on some tiny street, just walking and exploring the neighborhood when I pull off to the side of the street to make a phone call. It's Kol Nidre and I would just prefer not to be on the phone in the middle of the street. I think about this a lot on Shabbat. It reminds me of our Shabbat policy at camp where we keep it in public. Most people probably couldn't give a flying falafel ball if I'm playing "Guitar Hero: Chumus Jam Band" on Ben-Yehuda Street, I just prefer to do as the Romans do. (By the way, this game is highly entertaining in Google Wave.) So I sneak into the little parking area of an apartment building to call my friend Moty who lives on Aza Street, not from from the Prime Minister's house. No answer. I walk back to the street and continue on my way. Two minutes later, a security guy asks me "teudat zehut?" (identity card) First thought in my head: "Oh good Lord, I'm not getting my second jaywalking ticket in a month, am I?" No, it's Yom Kippur. No cars on the roads. If this guy gives me a ticket, I'm throwing him into the Yarkon River and hitting my chest a little harder the next day in shul. Oh yeah....I'm a chnuny American Jew. The only thing I'll be throwing into water is bread crumbs while I'm saying a bracha.

So what happens? Him and his fellow gever gever-y security guy detain me for FORTY-FIVE MINUTES interrogating me. Since, you know, I wear an orange thong, like long romantic walks in Gush Katif, and recently completed the "Which world leader would you like to off?" Facebook poll. (Don't be offended, Gush Katifniks, I'll make fun of the crazy lefties next time.) "Where do you live? Where are you coming from? Why didn't you go to shul closer to your house? Who is this Moty guy? What is his address? Can I see the SMS you sent him? Where are you from? How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?" Ok, I think Michael Bolton said the last one.

I tried to think, who could I call to get me out of this? For G-d's sake, I used to work for the Israeli consulate in Atlanta. Unfortunately, my boss now is in DC at the embassy. Not to mention, I spent years recruiting for and planning Israel programs. I wonder if I get a phone call...

One guy talking and waiting with me, the other making phone calls looking at who knows what records. I got a C in college accounting. Does he now know this? And how do you translate "C"? Do they translate it to the third letter of the alphabet (gimel) or is it a samech, retaining the "s" sound? This is important.

It wasn't like they gave me a full body cavity search (that was on Purim but only after several drinks), it was just that I wasn't in a good mood anyway, I wanted to get home already, and it was my already lame, falling-on-Erev Yom Kippur birthday. I also knew that this was Israeli security and that nothing was random. You know, as opposed to in America where they would pull over the Golden Girls at the airport.

"Thank you for bein' a friend....
NOW DROP YOUR PANTS."

I just couldn't figure out what the hell I might have done. I knew I wasn't guilty of anything and couldn't figure out what they were looking for so I gave pretty short answers, in hindsight, probably unhelpful ones. Eventually, they asked me to lead them to Moty's apartment even though he wasn't answering his phone and was out walking around Rechavia as far as I knew. Fortunately when we arrived, he was there and answered the door. Head gever-y guy takes him inside and asks him questions, other guy stays outside. After a few minutes, he comes outside, makes some more calls while I stand next to him waiting. Finally, they let me go. I kind of suggested under my breath that maybe they can let me meet the Prime Minister after all this. You know, as a birthday present. No, they didn't know.

For at least 30 minutes after they let me go, I sit with Moty and his girlfriend Merav talking through the whole thing trying to figure out what in G-d's name just happened. Eventually, we realize it had to be the "walking down his street, sneaking off and making a phone call" combo. Remember, it wasn't so clear to me, being in the middle of it. All I could think was, "Oh, come ON. Seriously? IT'S FREAKING YOM KIPPUR!" I mean, shouldn't that have been taken into account? What if I had snuck inside because of rain? I guess they don't take any chances.

Moty said I fit the profile of an extremist (you know, as an American male) they might be suspicious of and then said over 50% of Americans who make aliyah go straight to the West Bank. I said no chance. My friend at NBN also says it's not true.

Anyway, this was actually only my second most ridiculous police interrogation, following the great "'Melrose Place' false domestic violence accusation" fiasco in my apartment sophomore year of college. Don't ask.

In conclusion, I went to the Kotel the next day and had some good introspective moments. At the very end of the fast, I went to the Great Synagogue and ran into my friend Idan who had me over to eat afterwards.

In my opinion, while Jerusalem isn't nearly as fun and simply "awesome" to behold as Tel Aviv, full of people and bikes and the empty Ayalon, I found this to be more spiritual and individual for me and closer to G-d.

Yom Kippur 2007. Pretty cool.

My slate is clear and I'm now I'm really ready for the new year.

Bibi, if you'd like to meet me, just leave a comment. I'm really a nice guy. Would I lie?

Israel is a Dangerous Place: Reason #82

2009-09-27T09:08:00.001+02:00

Nothing like having a birthday on Erev Yom Kippur. Almost as much fun as having your birthday on Yom Kippur. Ayn ma la'asot (nothing you can do about it)...happens every few years. And I'm not going to stress about it, people, because there are much bigger problems in the Middle East. I don't want to freak anybody out but if you haven't heard, there's a monster on the loose in Jerusalem. In fact, so great is the fear struck in the hearts of the locals, they've already named a street after him.

It's been at least a week and a half and it's still there. How long before somebody notices?
I hope they're not waiting to fix all the menus first...

I keep trying to tell you that the Middle East is dangerous...

And now, my birthday wish, my loyal readers: if you have ever laughed at this blog even once (but hopefully more), I ask that you leave a comment at the bottom. What does this blog mean to you? Is it good for Israel? Is it just funny? Has it helped anyone make aliyah, adjust, or look at Israel in a different way? This feedback (testimonials, references, whatever you want to call it) will be really helpful when I approach people in the future about possible shows, articles, book deals, chumus wrestling, etc. If you're shy, you can leave an anonymous comment. (See Maya's comment below for a great example.)

I know a lot of people have visited this site over the last few years and laughed. If all you nice, quiet readers would like to make your first comment ever, here's your best chance to do so.

So gmar chatima tova and I'm off to look for something fun before the fast.

Haveil Havalim: Pre-Yom Kippur Edition

2009-09-27T09:05:00.001+02:00

Good morning, everyone. I'm hosting Haveil Havalim this week, the weekly "blog carnival" of the Jewish/Israeli blogosphere, created by Soccer Dad and currently maintained by Jack. There is where I'll often insert something funny and What War Zone-ish for my new visitors....not today though. Since today is my birthday, before I get off my computer and out into the real world, I'll just say this:

1. Gmar chatima tovah-have a meaningful day and fast.

2. If you have laughed at anything I've written over the last year, feel free to join my new Facebook fan page for updates about future videos, comedy shows, and whatever else I might do.

3. Read my birthday request. It's not long.

And here we go...

Anti-Semitism
Batya of Shiloh Musings looks at the upcoming march in Great Neck by the Westboro Baptist Church and wonders why nobody is doing anything about it.

Robert J. Avrech of Seraphic Secrets looks at "Jewish Jew Haters" throughout history.

Culture
Musings from Montana presents a kosher bagel recipe for Rosh Hashana.

Annette Berlin of Craft Stew shows us how to make fruit-themed wall posters for Sukkot.

Lady Light of Tikkun Olam thinks she's found one of the world's 36 lamed-vavnikim and has a video to prove it.

Eliyahu Fink of Pacific Jewish Center | Rabbi talks about women's happiness and being a parent and a recent article about it in the New York Times.

History
Ruti Mizrachi of Ki Yachol Nuchal! reflects on the life and death of Gedalia.

Jacob Richman of Good News from Israel posts pictures of the discovery of an ancient mikvah near the Kotel.

Yisroel of Artzeinu points out a rabbinical warning from the 1930's and explains the different types of shofar that we blow on Rosh Hashana.

Tikkun Olam thinks Bibi Netanyahu's UN speech rocked.

Yisrael Medad of My Right Word examines some old coins. Really old coins.

Humor
Shmuel Sokol of Torat Yisrael taped some dumb oleh doing stand-up at the Nefesh B'Nefesh blogger convention. I won't hold it against him that he spelled my name wrong. At least he didn't call me Bahn-gee. By the way, if you had told someone 10 years ago that they could videotape something from their telephone, their head would have exploded.

Toby of A Time of the Signs can't believe how fast the year flew and links to the funniest items of this past year.

Mrs S. of Our Shiputzim wants to tell you about something really funny: the annual gan meeting.

Ilana-Davita links to a recent video of Israel's Chief Rabbi, Rabbi Lau, speaking to a group of students about his personal story.

Ben-Yehudah of Esser Agorot reveals the truth about bloggers receiving Israeli press credentials (it's not as glamorous as you think.)

Risa Tzohar of Isramom looks at the recent NY Times article on cupcakes and wonders if they can't help bring peace in the Middle East.

Right Word writes about a captured terrorist who was attempting "death by flatulention". (I just copy and paste.)

Snoopy the Goon of Simply Jews considers Israel, Nelson Mandela, and Desmond Tutu in a whole new way.

Israel
Some dumb oleh tells the world what he thinks of the UN and Moammar Gadhafi after last week. Maybe I should have put this in the Humor section...

Bar Kochba of For Zion's Sake sets the record straight on international law.

Israelity announces the winner of their Rosh Hashana competition, discusses the sad reason that Israel is 39 pounds lighter this week, and reflects on the first rain of the year.

David Morris of Tzedek-Tzedek discusses the two-state solution and what it might really mean.

Torat Yisrael talks about new ways of enlisting Charedi soldiers into the army.

Joel of Religion and State in Israel recounts the biggest news stories in Israel here and here with links to some good videos (people dressed as chickens to protest kapparot is always fun.)

Batya of Shiloh Musings talks about the different ways Jews look at living in Gush Etzion.

Leah Aharoni of Ingathered examines the motivation behind Western media's biased reporting on Israel.

Torat Yisrael examines the Israeli military recruiting Kollel students for military jobs.

Good News from Israel links to the text and video of Bibi's UN speech.

Eric of The Israel Situation talks about Iran's revealing their secret nuclear facility.

Judaism
Some dumb oleh says don't forget to enter his Jgooders.com contest before tonight so you can give $25 to a good cause.

A Simple Jew wrote a post all about you. Seriously!

David Morris of Tzedek Tzedek analyzes a news article about child abuse in Ramat Beit Shemesh and a response from the article's author.

Do Jews drink? Harry-er Than Them All isn't sure.

A Mother in Israel takes a look at an advertisement to Haredi women. Be careful who you sit next to!

Ingathered examines the need for a holistic approach to ethical decisions.

Mordechai Torczyner of The Rebbetzin's Husband looks at his Rosh Hashana davening and wonders who moved his cheese.

Phyllis of Ima on (and off) the Bima hopes you do not have an easy fast. Wondering why? Click here.

Chaviva of Just Call Me Chaviva wonders if G-d will answer when she calls.

Sheyna Galyan of Books and Beliefs reviews "The New Jew: An Unexpected Conversion" by Sally Srok Friedes.

Personal
Batya of Me-ander tells us about her Fast of Gedalia and a Siyate D'Shmaya moment.

Homeshuling: A Jewish Parenting Blog gives an update on her garden (with pictures).

Chaviva writes about her first year at an Orthodox shul for Rosh Hashana and the frustrations of focusing while having an allergic reaction.

Ricki's Mom from Beneath the Wings shares a story and lesson from a bus ride home where she met "the lady from act II."

My Right Word has a letter in the Times literary supplement and looks at the size of the letters in a sermon advertisement.

SuperRaizy links to an article in the Jewish Journal titled "Reflections on Friends Who Lived to Tell" about Holocaust survivors.

Jack of Random Thoughts denies having blog envy (Why would he? He's Jack, for G-d's sakes. I think my blog has Jack-envy.) He also announces the winner of 2009's real political election.

Politics
Goyishe Rebbe of Shiloh Musings is losing patience with President Obama.

The Rebbetzin's Husband wants to make it clear that in his new project, he is not creating a "shul".

TRS of The Real Shliach just got married and has an Obama joke upon his return.

Simply Jews thinks that the Goldstone Report had made up their mind before presenting their findings.

Anthony of the Israel Situation discusses the controversy of Libya's leader trying to erect a tent in New York.

Yitzchak Goodman of Judeopundit says Juan Cole's Iran blogging has taken a strange turn.

Torah
Yisroel of Artzeinu gives us a Dvar Torah.

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of Haveil Havalim using our carnival submission form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

Technorati tags: haveil havalim, blog carnival.

The next issue will be hosted by Random Thoughts.

For you aspiring chefs out there, the Kosher Cooking Carnival is hosted by Batya this month and Mimi in October. You can submit a post here. Batya is always looking for more hosts (and I am always looking for more food in my fridge).

BREAKING NEWS: A Great Mystery...SOLVED!

2009-09-24T12:44:00.001+03:00

According to the JTA...

Speaking Wednesday at the United Nations General Assembly, (Muammar) Gadhafi implied that Israel may have plotted to kill Kennedy in 1963 because he allegedly wanted to launch a probe into its clandestine nuclear program. “Jack Ruby, an Israeli, killed Lee Harvey Oswald,” the Libyan leader was quoted by the translator as saying. “Why did this Israeli kill Harvey? Ruby later died mysteriously. The whole world should know that Kennedy wanted to investigate the actions of the Israeli nuclear reactor in Dimona.”

In a unrelated story, just hours ago, the Al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, Lady Gaga, and Tony Danza announced that they held my ass responsible for worldwide global warming. While it has has yet to claim responsibility, it is thought that my ass had much to benefit from the melting of the polar ice caps.

Is this a serious issue? You bet my ass, it is.

Click here for more ridonkulous accusations towards Israel. Hey, have you joined my FB fan page yet? If not, I blame Israel. Or Kanye.

If You Still Have Dial-Up, Probably Time to Upgrade

2009-09-22T11:13:00.001+03:00

Don't forget to make it out to the Comedy Basement tomorrow night at 8:30. Otherwise, I might make yerida. Are you listening, Nefesh B'Nefesh?

Hello, my loyal readers-have you "entered" this contest yet? Just leave a quick comment and you might win a $25 gift card to give to one of many JGooders projects for tzedaka. Easy as pie.

We're only a few days away from Yom Kippur. If you don't yet have synagogue plans, here's something brought to my attention by my friend Esther, queen of Jewish blogging and social media. Jewish Network Television is putting on a Kol Nidre service online, when else? ARBOR DAY! Ok, it's this Sunday night, broadcast live from the Nashuva community in Los Angeles by Rabbi Naomi Levy, recognized as one of the top 50 rabbis in America. (I just missed the cut this year at #51. However, I rocked the "top falafel eaters" list at #7. Watch out, #6...I'M GUNNING FOR YOU!)

Last year, 220,000 people watched this service online. Wow. If you're wondering what the appeal is, here are just a few reasons: You can't afford the price of synagogue tickets. You're abroad or too far from a synagogue. You're sick and can't attend. You're addicted to Minesweeper. I haven't figured out what I'm doing yet but I'm curious to check out a good old-fashioned American service. Here's the link again.

Personally, I expect to be in Jerusalem for my first Yom Kippur here in 17 years. No walking on the Ayalon this year.

And to get into the Yom Kippur spirit, here's something I'll be repenting over. I have laughed heartily at this woman at least five times.

Check out Bob Barker's reaction at the end.
Classic. Thanks for sending, Tony.

Some Dumb Oleh on Rusty Mike Radio: Eat Your Heart Out, Howard Stern

2009-09-21T13:57:00.003+03:00

Post number 2 today...

Tomorrow at 3 PM, I'll be on Rusty Mike Radio, an Anglo-Israel internet radio station talking about my recent Rosh Hashana video, what I'm doing with my life, and why Israelis drink 485 cafe hafuchs a day. Click above to listen.

And even better, I'm doing a show at Jerusalem's Comedy Basement this Wednesday night at 8:30 PM. No cover, just a 25 shekel drink minimum. Come out and bring friends. If it were 1987 and you said you had to watch "Growing Pains", I'd be ok with you missing out. But it's 5770 and Mike Seaver is long gone. So I'll see you Wednesday? If you can't make it, tell your friends.

Recognize the guy on the left?
Yep, it's him all right. Moshe Katsav.

Start the Year Off Right with JGooders

2009-09-21T13:28:00.002+03:00

Ahhhh, the new year. A time to relax, eat some delicious food in large amounts, and enjoy the nice things in life.

What's the coolest place you've seen the words "shana tova"? My favorites are "front of bus" and "car radio display". Still waiting for a marching band to spell it out. Where do I find a good marching band in this country anyway?

That there is beauty, my friends. The next time someone says the Tel Aviv beach is disgusting, just tell him that they do tashlich year-round. You know, with garbage.

Nice chag. Saw a lot of friends in Tel Aviv, Jerusalem, and beyond. Did you have a good holiday?

Here's something noteworthy I came across during the recent NBN blogger convention. JGooders is an organization which sells gift cards, not for Castro or the Mashbir, but for projects which make the world a better place. (Sorry, Castro-I know there must be some benefit to jeans so tight, they stop circulation to your feet...I'm just blanking at the moment.) You can buy a card from the website, give it as a gift, and the recipient can pick one of any number of ways to give. There are oodles (oodlim) of projects for Israel and abroad including ones to help make the desert bloom, support lone soldiers, feed hungry children, and assist orphan chickpeas. Ok, I might have made one of those up.

In order to help these guys get the word out during this new year, we're having a contest to end next Sunday night, Kol Nidre. Leave a comment with the best fake fund name and my favorite wins a $25 card for the real project of his/her choice from JGooders. I'll announce the winner early next week. What a great way to start the '70s!

Remember this fund?

More about JGooders here...

Shana tova!