Tales From the City: A Masterpiece in Progress

Poking My Head Out Of The Gopher Hole

2009-07-31T08:40:00.001-04:00

Hi!!!!!!!

It's Time

2008-05-12T21:18:00.001-04:00

I held out as long as I could...but it's really time to call it quits.

Thanks for the last...wow...seven, eight years of readership. I've exposed more about myself than I ever would admit or would normally do otherwise...

I don't have time. I'm not motivated to blog. I'd rather close it gracefully with a thanks to all of you than to just let it die with no true end.

Big hugs....I'm still around. You know how to get a hold of me...or at least you should....

Nutri-System...The One Month Mark

2008-02-26T20:45:00.002-05:00

Okay....six pounds down after a month...my trainer is kicking my ass again giving me a great kick start....looks like I'm going to lose this bet folks...but you know I don't care...

I had my physical done today and my blood pressure was a magnificent 120/60 (and average/typical for a man is 130/90 which means I ROCK). I've got some revamped meds for the diabetes to assist with the diet. I'm learning more and more about what I can and should not (not cannot) eat.

There's still a long road to go but I'm definitely on the path

What Could Have Been...

2008-02-10T20:59:00.001-05:00

Last week I was on the train platform heading down to a post-work kiss and schmooze event when I saw this woman.

Okay, let me be perfectly honest...she was a rather large gal. Maybe 5'5" but probably 220 pounds and a little unkempt. Now, I have nothing much that I can say myself since I know that I'm not exactly a small person myself but I think that I would have to be about 340 pounds to be equal to her size. I tried not to stare at her but I was really looking at what could have been me (although taller and heavier) if I had not really started exercising and takin care of myself by exercising and watching what I eat.

I think she caught me staring at her a few times as I really pondered the "what could have been" aspect of things. She didn't look exceptionally happy and given her size, I can imagine why not.

I'm grateful that I've taken a much stronger look at my health and my desire to get into better shape. I've accepted the fact that it is a process and the weight doesn't magically come off. It is work. It required dedication. I've slipped a few times here and there but I've stayed on track for well over a year now.

I've thought a lot about that woman in the past few days. I've thought a lot about what I would do if I was in her situation. If anything, it's reinforced my goal and desire to hit my targets even more.

Marketing Blunders

2008-02-04T17:52:00.000-05:00

This is an actual item that you can find on the Macy's website with the following copy:

"Patriot perfection! Nineteen wins. Zero losses. Football history has been rewritten, and the New England Patriots have won it all! Commemorate every bone-crunching tackle and triumphant touchdown with this limited edition Waterford Crystal football."

Wow...that's gotta suck. I hope they didn't pre-order those....

"Don't you want to be happy?"

2008-02-01T23:05:00.000-05:00

Tonight I saw A Chorus Line for the...I dunno...sixth(?), seventh(?), eighth(?) time...I know it may seem excessive to some but there's something about the story that always has given me hope and courage to know that practically anything is possible and that success isn't always measured in what you get, but in how far you've come and in how you handle the setbacks.

But tonight when one character (I believe Bobby) said, "Don't you want to be happy?" I realized that I was happy. I was pretty fucking happy. It wasn't the show or how it made me feel that made me happy...I was already happy and didn't realize that the strange feeling that I had wasn't the flu or my stomach reacting to the new diet...it was happiness.

Professionally, I am personally satisfied with what I am doing. I love what I do for a living. I love the challenge that I have every day when I walk into the office. I love the clients I work with on a daily basis. I love knowing that I get to create something that can have a positive impact on people.

Personally, while my romantic leanings aren't panning out, I can look back on the last year of trials, tribulations, and strife and know that I have come out a stronger person. I can handle more and deal with more than I ever knew possible. It's learning this about myself that's given me an extra oomph to push harder. Romance can wait. I'm loving myself right now...

Spiritually, I am still have the same relationship that I've had for years. I know I've said many times before that I believe more in God (or a Creator) than in religion and am rather adverse to organized religion but I do have conversations with God that are personal and mine alone. We discuss the decisions I've made, what's resulted from my decisions, and what's going to happen if I don't change some things.

So yeah....I can actually say I'm happy...happier than I have ever been in a long time. And it's nice a way to be....

(PS On a total aside, should anyone from the cast stumble across this...Maggie, whoever you are since I threw away the playbill, thanks for the chills on the "money note"...haven't had THOSE in a while...to the new Paul, you should have been cast first over Jason Tam...you're SO much better, and finally to the remarkable Mr. Berresse who I have seen perform for the past...wow...10 YEARS(!), truly the best I have ever seen you do this part and you're only getting better....)

Dear Merrill Lynch,

2008-01-28T22:30:00.000-05:00

You can fuck off and die.

All of you.

Well except my friend and her mom who still work there who are cool....UNLIKE THE REST OF YOUR EMPLOYEES!!!

This is your third time that you've done something to my account that has put more than a little inconvenience in my life. Let's not even talk about the two instances where you supposedly sent me a new debit card because my account was "compromised" and I only found out when my old card failed to work despite me having a pretty nice balance in there.

And this little stunt....

Well you've gone too far this time buckos....

By the end of February you and are finally going to part ways...something we should have done a long time ago.

You're useless to me. And have been for some time...

I know I'm not the biggest account you have but, at the very least, I am a client and have been for about 12, maybe 13 years. I've already opened an account with another bank and will be making a transfer to them this Friday when I get paid. Then, when I get my checks, I will be turning EVERYTHING over to them.

And you can suck it.

Suck.

It.

And I hope you choke on it too.

So yeah, Merill....it's a good thing you have a bull as a logo....because you're nothing but bull....shit that is....

Hmmmm.....

That's about it. You can suck it.

Then again that's pretty much what you have to do to get ahead in that company isn't it?

Hugs and kisses,

Brian the 646Guy, soon-to-be ex-Merrill Lynch client

PS Oh yeah...SUCK IT!!!!

At Least It's Not Jenny Craig...

2008-01-28T09:12:00.000-05:00

So I saw my doctor today since I am still not 100%....or even 60%. He thinks I have a bronchial infection and I'm on antibiotics.

However, he did ask about my blood sugar which has been okay but not perfect as of late. Since he's been getting frustrated with my numbers as well as the fact that he doesn't want to change my meds, he made a challenge to me....

Nutrisystem has a plan for Type II diabetics. Since he wants me to drop some weight on top of getting my numbers under control, it's a workable solution. The challenge is that I stick with it for three months. If it works, my numbers get under control and I drop some weight on top of it, then I foot the bill for it. Should it not work and my numbers don't change, then he will reimburse me for it.

That's a cool doc. And sure enough I said yes.

Now, I'm not going to cheat and eat a bunch of crap so he has to pay me back for it (what's the point in that) so we'll see how this works. Three months isn't that long so it should be interesting to say the least.

The planets spin...

2008-01-26T21:28:00.000-05:00

...and the world goes 'round....and 'round....

First and foremost, I'm pretty freakin' sick right now. I've been fighting off a cold or chest infection or SOMETHING for the past few weeks and Friday night it finally won the war sending my temperature over 100, lovely aches that made me feel like I was being pummeled by rocks, and I could barely sleep. I kept telling myself that I was going to get over it and be able to help my friends out at Idiotarod as I had planned...

Not to be. About 2 in the morning, I realized that nothing was going to make me better in time to get up, get down to DUMBO, and take part. So, Liz and Lauren, my apologies for not making it to help you out. I was in bed until around 1 this afternoon and I'm not much better. At least the fever is down.

Okay...so let's talk about work.

The kid who tried to swipe two of my sales has one week left to seal any deals on his soon to be former clients before I shift them over to the new people that have bene hired.

Oh yes...the team of three that I had on January 8 when the whole shake up went down...yeah...only one of them is left. One basically disappeared (as he did prior to my taking over the sales management of the division) and we called and left messages and basically told him that he needed to call back or we would consider him to have resigned his position with the company. Well, he never called back that Thursday. He did call back on Monday and said something about being in the hospital and having papers and trying to leave his former boss a message (note.....he TRIED but DIDN'T)...blah blah blah...I called back, got his voicemail, and reiterated the fact that he didn't call back and even if he was in the hospital, he could have had someone - a nurse, doctor, friend, etc. - call and tell us where he was. Clearly he didn't want his job bad enough to make sure we knew where he was....

Then there's the other guy...not a bad guy...a little needy...but he had the possibility of being a really good salesperson. He seemed to get down on himself because he wasn't making sales even though we had told him that selling for his product wasn't a quick sell like other things....it takes time, it takes charm, it takes nurturing....AND THEN you get the big sell...well he didn't seem to accept that and was making frequent comments about his salary (and he had only been there for 2 weeks) and who knows what else....HOWEVER...the opportunity and possibility was there...

The one thing he did though that kinda bugged me a bit but not to the point where I was going to have to say something (yet) was that he would have discussions with the director of one of our other divisions (the man who originally hired him) that he should have been having with me since I was his boss. Well, Thursday he got a bug up his ass about something about the guy who sits behind him had done or said. Who knows? I wasn't there and I have no clue. Well, he went and told this director what happened and for some reason thought that it wouldn't be addressed with this employee.

Okay, let's just be realistic here. You're telling this guy's boss what he did that displeases you and you expect it to remain confidential and not addressed? Clearly he's not from this planet.

Anyway, this guy gets called in and politely told what he now knows is going down and to never do it again with no reference as to who fessed up. Mind you, he sits in an area that's very open and lots of people can hear what other people are doing and saying. Well this guy goes back and tells my employee that he should never repeat anything that he hears. This leads to an email from my employee to the other director telling him that he can't believe that he told this guy what he said and it was supposed to be in confidence and he's "leaving his job."

Well, I was on the phone with a client during all of this and since he didn't come to me (as he should have since I was his boss) I had no clue what went down. So I get told that this guy "may have" resigned his job. I get the low down on what happened and so I decide to see if he really did decide to walk out. The only way that I would know if he did was if the hideous picture of him doing a Joan Crawford/Mommie Dearest thing was still on his desk. If it's there...he didn't walk out. If it's gone...he did.

It was gone.

So the other director decided to call and leave a message with his mother to call when he got in. He called and he was invited to have his job back and he said he would think about it and call back in an hour.

Well, to be honest...I didn't want him back. Part of me was ticked off that he chose to not follow the proper chain of command and should have come to me first and part of me was ticked off that he didn't even give the company a chance to make things right in the situation. He just stormed off. On top of that, he had salary complaints again.

Dude, if the salary wasn't what you wanted and you didn't negotiate it before you agreed it to, then you knew what you were getting. GET OVER IT! We had offered him a chance at a draw on his commission after 90 days with the company and we were only at 2 weeks!

So when I got the scoop on the phone conversation that was had, I pretty much made it clear that I didn't want him back. If he comes back, will he be a loose cannon? Will he be able to sell? Will I have to hand hold him? Will he still bitch about his salary?

We decided to wait to see what he would say when he called back.

The hour passes. No call.

The second hour passes. No call.

The third hour passes. No call.

I pick up the phone and call.

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.

No answer. What the fuck?

He calls back about 2 minutes later. He sounded very down and I basically told him that I was surprised by what had happened and that he should have come to me with his concerns but, most of all, I was just disappointed in the whole thing.

Finally I told him that since he didn't call back in the hour, we have concluded that he has resigned his position with the company to which he agreed. I politely told him that we would send him his final check and if I found any personal belongings on his desk that we would make arrangements to send them to him.

I hung up the phone and uttered probably the most succinct thing I could come up with...

"Ass."

Seriously. You say you will call back in and hour. You should call back. Even if it's to say that you weren't coming back, you call back.

Thankfully, we found a great salesperson the next day with lots of experience who can afford a huge pay cut and willingly wants to work with the company to improve our brands. He starts on Monday and I have another sales guy starting on Friday so I will be back to a full team by the end of next week. I may not be able to do much in terms of sales for my own items, but at the very least I have a new start.

So much work to do and so little time.

A New Year and New Karma

2008-01-14T11:56:00.001-05:00

Okay...so I've been horrible about posting so I'll make this somewhat quick. I'm going to begin posting stories and pics from my trip to Costa Rica over New Year's so you can get the full reason behind why we started calling it "Tropical Storm Fiesta!"

However, the fun part came when I returned to work that Monday. Now, prior to leaving, I took over sales for one of our brands and did some preliminary work from NYC and then followed up a bit from my parents house in Florida. Two of my new clients sent back their forms via fax and one kid in the office snatched them from the fax machine and entered their order into the system moving it from my name to his...

And I caught him...

Both clients emailed me to say that they had faxed them over and when I didn't see them on the machine, something told me to check the system and sure enough they were both entered under someone else's name. Well I got the forms from the kid and pretty much told him what he did was uncool and unethical (not to mention, in effect, stealing from his colleagues) and he will never do it again. I told his boss what had gone down and he wasn't thrilled with it either but was thankful that I handled it in a professional manner...

And now for the karma...

That afternoon I was called into the CEO's office and asked if I could take over the head of sales for my division (in addition to the production and marketing that I was already doing). Well, sure enough I said yes and that afternoon the kid who tried to steal my sales became my employee.

Now I know what you're thinking. I'm going to make his life hell and miserable for what he did. Absolutely not. He's a good salesperson and can get the job done. However, I am keeping a close eye on him to make sure that he doesn't do this again and to make sure that he keeps focused on what his job is... and not what it isn't.

So... a new year... new karma... new responsibilities...

Something just told me that 2008 was going to be a crazy year... it's proving itself to be so already.

Ugh....

2007-12-12T23:15:00.000-05:00

Given my recent attempts at romantic entanglements, I have to turn to Cole Porter for this post:

I hate men.
I can't abide 'em even now and then.
Than ever marry one of them, I'd rest a maiden rather,
For husbands are a boring lot and only give you bother.
Of course, I'm awfully glad that Mother had to marry Father,
But I hate men.
Of all the types I've ever met within our democracy,
I hate most the athlete with his manner bold and brassy,
He may have hair upon his chest but, sister, so has Lassie.
Oh, I hate men!
I hate men.
They should be kept like piggies in a pen.
Avoid the trav'ling salesman though a tempting
Tom he may be,
For on your wedding night he may be off to far Araby,
While he's away in Mandalay is thee who have the baby,
Oh I hate men.
If thou shouldst wed a businessman, be wary, oh, be wary.
He'll tell you he's detained in town on business necessary,
His bus'ness is the bus'ness with his pretty secretary,
Oh I hate men!
I hate men
Though roosters they, I will not play the hen.
If you espouse and older man through girlish optimism,
He'll always stay at home at night and make no criticism,
Though you may call it love, the doctors call it rheumatism.
Oh, I hate men.
From all I've read, alone in bed, from A to Zed, about 'em.
Since love is blind, then from the mind, all womankind should rout 'em,
But, ladies, you must answer too, what would we do without 'em?
Still, I hate men!

Time Somebody Told Me

2007-11-29T17:26:00.000-05:00

With many thanks to Georgia...I know you put this into a comment but it was too moving to not put into a full post on its own...

Time somebody told me
That I am lovely, good and real
That my beauty could make hearts stand still.
It's time somebody told me
That my love is so complete
That my mind is quick and full of wit
That my loving is just too good to quit.
Time somebody told me.
Time somebody told me
How much they want love and need me
How much my spirit helps set them free
How my eyes shine full of the white light
How good it feels just to hold me tight.
Time somebody told me
So I had a talk with myself
Just me -- nobody else
Cause it was time somebody told me.

Oh Those Wacky YouTube Questions

2007-11-28T14:27:00.001-05:00

This guy is just wacky! Gotta love some of those crazy Republicans.

Celebrate This, Bitch...

2007-11-26T10:49:00.000-05:00

The most INANE commercial ever...and for some reason it is permanently embedded in my head.

Work, Work, Work...

2007-11-20T07:20:00.000-05:00

Sigh...so much to do today. Take 2 days off from work and it all seems to pile up...

Be Careful Who You Text...

2007-11-18T19:36:00.000-05:00

Okay I debated telling this story but it's kinda funny and kinda sad all at the same time that I can't NOT share it.

Here I am in Seattle for this event and the guy who invited me and set me up with a free hotel room and everything is someone who exhibited at one of my events earlier this year. Let's just say I was a bit taken with him. He's devilishly handsome and has killer blue eyes. However, he is a client so I can't really DO anything about it. I guess to me that would be unethical.

So, today is the lsat day that I'm in Seattle and I head out to brunch with him and a few friends of his. Now he had been texting back and forth with someone and I made the joke that he was texting his friend sitting next to him. Well, I shoot him a text message joking with him about it and thus begins the most interesting conversation.

After he and I part ways and I head over to the gay sports bar to watch the Seahawks game with his friend, I get a text message that says, "Would still like to cuddle again sometime." Now this cracks me up because I'm like, "Again?" when was the first time. So I respond back with a comment about how I still have my hotel room. Ultimately I do ask if he's texting the right person and if the messages were meant for me and I get a confirmation message that they are.

Well, let's just say you couldn't wipe the grin off of my face even if you used an SOS scouring pad. So... being the ballsy person that I was, I texted back with "Blush...so what do we do about it?" Now at this point, I'm already heading back to the hotel and wondeng what I *am* going to do about it.

Then the phone rings.

Yep...he was texting the wrong person and he was quite embarrassed. Well to be honest, so was I since I was pretty much up for it as well. I mean I kinda thought there might have been a mutual attraction given some of the looks I got and such the night before but I'm trying to do my best to not read into situations with people I have a crush on. Anyway...I played it off that I was just going along for the ride and if he wanted to come up and cuddle trhen sure...why the hell not???

However, honestly, I was a little disappointed. Would it have been nice? Absolutely. Then again, I wouldn't be able to let it go very far since I don't do the long distance thing and, let's face it this would be about as long distance as you can get. On the plus side though, Seattle men are pretty freakin' friendly.

:)

Seattle...

2007-11-18T14:40:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in my hotel room right now and it kinda hit me...

I could somewhat see myself living here.

Of course I would have to get a car. Or a Vespa.

Reaching Out

2007-11-13T16:08:00.001-05:00

First and foremost, to those of you that have emailed or commented your words of support, they are appreciated. Many of you have started off by saying that you know what I was saying wasn't meant to elicit guilt or sympathy but you felt compelled to offer it anyway. For that, I thank you.

The one question that I have heard a few times is why I haven't reached out sooner or more overtly or, as one person said, at all.

Good question. I don't really have a good answer to go with it.

Part of me wants to think that I am emotionally stronger than I really am. I try not to show how vulnerable I am or the low self esteem I have been hiding. When people hurl ugly, vicious, spiteful words at me, I do my best not to flinch, to not let on that their words stung or, in some cases, wounded me to the quick.

Part of me wants to think that I can do so many things on my own that I don't need the help or support of my friends and colleagues. I try to do too much and take on too much that I don't recognize when that burden is finally taking its toll on me until it's too late.

In a way, this is me reaching out. It's baby steps but it's what I have to work with.

Growing up, I remember a song that I heard sung in a concert at my church. I don't remember much of the song but I do remember one line rather vividly -- "I'm a masterpiece in progress."

That's what I'm going to start referring to myself as now. It's seems more apt and more positive.

The Me Nobody Knows, Part 2

2007-11-12T09:56:00.001-05:00

I'm a bit proud of myself. I went the whole weekend without pulling down my previous post. In a way it's a bit liberating to put yourself out there and show yourself, warts and all, to the masses.

Okay, so maybe I hid a few warts.

I also know that the catalyst for change must come from within me. This is just the start and I know that I have a long journey ahead of me.

The Me Nobody Knows

2007-11-09T19:07:00.000-05:00

In 1970, there was a Broadway musical called The Me Nobody Knows which was based on an anthology of New York City student writings. Their stories were explicit in detail as to what their lives were like and how the felt about their neighborhoods, family, school, and more.

For reasons that will become apparent, the title has always resonated with me. I debated a lot about writing this post and promised myself that no matter what I wouldn't pull it down. This isn't written to elicit sympathy, empathy, or guilt from friends and/or anonymous readers. This is written for me. Because I have to tell everyone about the me that nobody knows.

For many of you that know me, this post will come as a shock because you think you know me... and well at that. The truth is you don't know me at all.

And it's not your fault. I need to make that perfectly clear. It's not your fault at all. It all lies with me.

The truth about me is this... well it's a lot of things but let's start with the big one.

I am probably more lonely than I will ever publicly admit... even here and in this post which, admittedly, will be rather raw in its content. Part of this loneliness can be attributed to my job which consumes a large part of my time (and more on this later). Part of it can be attributed to many friends being so spread out. Part of it can be attributed to the fact that I have very few close friends who live in NYC even though I have been here for almost 10 years... a fact that even I am surprised to learn. Even though I have a large circle of acquaintances (for lack of a better word) and have been members of many organizations (social, recreational, and otherwise), the truth is that my phone rarely rings to the point where I only really keep it in case there is a family emergency and I need to reach them or vice versa. There are days when I question whether or not I should even keep the phone because it never seems to get any use.

And then there are days when I question if anyone would really miss me if I did give up my phone.

Total self admission -- I know that I'm not the first person people think of when they are making up a party invite list. My social calendar is painfully empty to the point where going to see a movie or a show on my own isn't a problem or awkward for me. I've faked "dinner with friends" more times than I care to count. I often make up things I did over the weekend rather than say I sat at home alone.

And yes, I totally admit that a large part of this is my own creation. I am more than capable of going out to a bar, meeting new people, or someone and make new friends. But, I am totally not a bar person and, quite frankly, no one in a bar seems to want to talk to me.

With that, let's hit the next big thing... relationships, and the lack thereof. I am probably more socially awkward than I let on. Part of that comes from a severe fear of rejection. I have asked out more people than I can count and been turn down over and over and over. The reason I have not pursued some romantic desires is because of that fear of rejection. There are probably lots of people who have no clue that I had feelings for them, wanted to see if there was a spark there, or anything. Some people have found out because people got tired of me pining away and not doing anything about it. And even then the feelings weren't reciprocated. I'm the guy you just don't think of "that way."

I have joked that I'm going to just have to get used to being alone and adopt 13 cats to live with me. Sometimes though, it's not a joke. And sometimes, I think I already have gotten used to being alone.

I keep being told what a great guy I am and what a catch I would be, but to be honest, if I am such a great guy then why am I alone? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I have to put myself out there. Well I have. People didn't want me or anything to do with me. Then I'm told, it happens when I'm not looking. Well that's a load of BS because I stopped looking a long time ago.

Oh yeah. There was one guy as of late. I fell for him and fell for him hard. Sadly he was completely unavailable for any sort of a relationship. It was hard for me to accept that I had found what I considered to be the perfect guy only to not be able to "have" him. Even harder is that I still see him on a regular basis as friends (and I know that he may read this and am prepared for his response). While I have accepted that he will be and can only be a friend in my life, there are days when I find it hard to actually see him because the feelings are always there and bubbling under the surface. On those days, I do my damnedest to keep things in check. It's not often, but it happens.

And when it does it reminds me that I'm still alone.

Part of the problem is my job. While it's incredibly demanding and requires a somewhat significant time commitment, I definitely work more than I should. Several years ago, I realized that I was putting more attention onto my job than on myself. I did it because filling that time gave me something to do. It gave me purpose. Someone needed me and it was a job, or a project, or something that I would take on to keep my calendar full and my mind off the fact of how alone I truly am. As long as there is something to fill my time I don't have to worry about the emotional side of me that is not being fulfilled.

And how about this biggie... I have serious issues with my looks and my own self worth. I've never been comfortable with my size, weight, face, and as of late, hair color. I've worked out, lost weight, gained weight, and never everything in between. As a large part of it, I've never fully accepted myself. I've been called every name imaginable even by my own family.

Oh, family. Nice segue. Growing up, my weight was a never ending issue. Between fourth and sixth grade I think I put on forty pounds and was pretty pudgy. My parents would tell me how fat I was, how I would grow up to be so big that my arms wouldn't be able to touch each other, etc etc. Of course, the fact that my mother and father both failed many diets in their lives never came to mind as a defense at the time. The fact that both of them are overweight to this day doesn't say much either. However, of my immediate family, I'm the only one actively exercising. But I still get comments on my weight.

My family doesn't talk or acknowledge that I am gay. My sister is the only one that does and the only reference she has made as of late was that I needed to repent of my "sinful ways." Mind you, for Christmas last year my sister gave me a book about a man who had a near death experience and rather than going to heaven, he went to hell. Nothing says Merry Christmas more than a book to tell you you're going to hell.

But what's hard to deal with as well is that I know that they know I'm gay. I know that it's hard for them to talk about if and when they ever do. But it's hard for me as well. They don't know about live, the failed attmepts to form relationships, or anything. And it's hard for me to share because I know they don't want to know. It's hard to hear your mother make disparaging comments about homosexuality to your face and not respond back. I've finally got a decent relationship with my family and I know at some point I'm going to have to talk to them about it and risk what has taken so long to establish.

At one of my recent expos, a "spiritual medium" gave me a reading where she basically exposed me as the fraud I am. She told me I deserve an Academy Award for the performance I give on a daily basis convincing people that I am more in control of my life than I really am.

And I had no response because I knew she was right.

I'm hoping that by writing this I can break the cycle I find myself repeating over and over. I'm hoping that by publishing this people will understand where I'm coming from and what my life is really like. I'm hoping that by letting everyone know that I'm not who I say I am or who I've pretended to be that I can finally discover who I am because, quite frankly, I have no idea who that is.

So... to a certain extent, this is the me that nobody knows.

Not even me.

I hope you get to meet the real me one day. I hope I get to meet him too.

And I hope that he's as great of a guy as all of my friends seem to think this guy is.

To those that I have deceived, I apologize. Trust me, it hurt me more than it hurt you.

I Did It.

2007-11-07T17:26:00.001-05:00

Four weeks.

Five trade shows.

Pretty much no sleep.

I have no idea how I did it. But I did it.

Barack Obama on Saturday Night Live

2007-11-04T06:51:00.000-05:00

Well, let me just say that sometimes SNL gets political humor right and sometimes they get it totally wrong.

Let me just say this video is a case of TOTALLY RIGHT...mind you I haven't decided who I am voting for yet but this did crack me up...

A Much Needed Compliment

2007-11-01T00:17:00.000-04:00

CuteBeefyGuy(12:13:40 AM): a big kiss papo....
CuteBeefyGuy(12:14:02 AM): which just reminded me of the one you gave me on 19th and 10th....LOL
646guy (12:15:17 AM): hehehehehehe
646guy (12:15:28 AM): must have been good if you remember it
CuteBeefyGuy(12:15:44 AM): it was....
646guy (12:15:43 AM): *blush*

For the record, the kiss took place in about 2002...sigh...if he didn't live in Mexico now...

Me and Jane Child

2007-10-30T11:28:00.000-04:00

I loved this song when I was younger...I have no idea why but I credit Jane's hair. The best part is now I share something common with Jane besides taking chances with our hair...we've both ridden the N train. I wonder if she had to wait as long as I did when I was an Astoria resident.

And to think....

2007-10-26T15:21:00.000-04:00

...people actually got paid to compose this song...people got paid to sing it...and people got paid to dance to it...and people are putting it up on YouTube...

Billy really like to lick his lolly....