Crockpot Faith

Stuck on a Bible Verse

2009-10-28T22:34:00.001-05:00

What do you do when you are stuck on trying to understand a certain verse of Scripture? For the last two and a half years as I have come to this place of redefining my relationship with God, I have found the reoccurring verse of Job 1:21 continuing to occupy my thoughts. I have read the book of Job so many times. I have read commentaries on the issue and actually have written a lot of thoughts about the book on paper. I have prayed and asked God for enlightment as to this certain verse in Scripture and I still can't figure it out. Now, there are days when that verse is brought back into my head and then I can dismiss it. Recently, for the past couple of days, I find it more difficult to get it out of my head. The commentaries and study Bibles have come back out and the prayers have started again for insight, but none has been found. So, what do I do now?

Here's the verse:
"I came naked from my mother's womb, and I will be naked when I leave. The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!"

I get the jest of this verse except for the part "the Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away." How can God take things away? There is a really cool Kutless song related to this verse, and I want to get the true meaning of the song, but I just can't shake this verse. More importantly, I feel like I need to understand this verse to truly understand the character of God. How can a loving God, who is just, Holy, etc..take things away? That's probably the biggest question I have/had throughout all of this and I still don't have any answers. Will I get an answer? Maybe not, but I need to be OK not understanding this verse. For some reason, at this time I'm not and it's driving me to a place that I don't want to go. I'm not going to go backwards.

Father, help me to be OK with not knowing what your Scripture means. Give me insight into that verse in Job, if you choose, but if not help me to rest my mind and my heart in those things that I do believe about you. " Amen.

It's a Slow Day

2009-10-22T16:09:00.002-05:00

It's not often that I post things during the middle of the day. However, today at work is quite slow so I thought I would take a few minutes to update the blog. One thing that God is teaching me is that I need to rely on Him fully and completely, instead of other people. That friendship that I was trying to rebuild is not what I thought it was going to be. I think I have accepted that...at least for today. I can and will continue to work on building a working relationship but the friendship I dont' think will ever be the same. Yesterday afternoon I found myself listening to Dr. John Townsend (Boundaries guy) talk about Letting Go. There was some really good points there that I can use in this new "normal" that seems to exist. I have got to be able to "let go" of that relationship to allow myself to be free to move on...adapt...and look forward to what God is doing in my life.

That is the attitude I have tried to have today. Today was a good day. I have no expectations anymore of keeping that friendship and am going to do the right thing, because it is the right thing to do and that is it. That's all...that's the only reason I have to make the right choices even at times when I feel like I am the only one doing so. So, it is what it is and I am working everyday to accept that.

I have another friend in my life who challenges me to grow in my relationship with Christ and for that I am grateful. I think she's actually quite healthy and I'm amazed at her knowledge and her devotion to doing what God wants from her. So, life continues on. I'm walking with God one step at a time and trusting Him with as much trust as I can for the day I am on.

I'm Trying

2009-09-19T23:45:00.001-05:00

Sometimes, like right now I just want to say

I'M TRYING!!!!!! I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying.

There are so many aspects of my life that I could say that about. So, I'll just put it out there for now.

Say Hello to "Ople" or Opal

2009-09-13T21:44:00.002-05:00

Today was a great day! Two of my friends from Kid's Camp came down to lead our Children's Rally and we had a blast! We all decided that we needed camp names and mine is "Ople". For those of you that can't read "Dreds speak" that would be "Opal." I don't know why, but it's pretty funny. Dreds also fixed my guitar today so I am back in business. It felt so good to play today after having been out of commission for a while.

I sure am tired of this rain. I am a sun shine type of girl. There's just something about gray skies and rain day after day after day that kinda drains on my after a while. But, it will end...eventually. This morning at church I noticed something odd going on, but really didn't have time to think about it. Then this afternoon I get a message from our Associate Pastor that something is happening but no details. Then tonight, I go to church and there is this big meeting happening. I'm no wanting to be nosy, but as a minister of church, especially one in charge of kiddos, I feel like I should know what's going on. Maybe it doesn't affect the kids, but what if it does? In other situations at church and in my own life I am ALWAYS the last to know things. I'm not one to pry information out of people so oftentimes I miss things. I guess I don't know when to ask for information and when not to. So, maybe more information will come tomorrow. I just wonder what's going on. I don't want to be the last to know things anymore. I want to feel like I am important enough to know about things when they happen or shortly after. But it is what it is...

On another note, I'm worried about my mom. She fell down some steps at our house last week and is really sore. She can't even get up off the couch to fix supper or do anything. I am hoping and praying that it's nothing serious, but at times like these I wish I was closer to home. My dad had back surgery not long ago, and now Mom might have to go through the same thing. She goes to the doctor then, so until then I will continue to pray. I know that she will be OK, I just wish I knew (a) how bad it was and (b) how I can help. Dad is doing it all and that's usually a pretty crazy thing.

So, as always life is never dull. It continues as usual with it's twists and turns and ups and downs. But hey, God is in control and He's leading the way. Thank the Lord!

I've done some hard things

2009-09-02T22:33:00.002-05:00

Over the last three weeks I have:

-Ended a friendship and dealt with all that entails. The other person was hurt and angry, but I think I handled it well.

-Decided that another relationship is worth saving. I have gone too long with a chip on my shoulder and am taking the steps needed to do what I can to mend the friendship. It's not easy, but I am willing to give it 110%. Everyday I forgive and everyday I ask God to help me. It will be a journey, but one step at a time.

- Found myself falling into the trap of "beating myself up" but talked to God about it and I woke up this morning with a new outlook on things. Last night was pretty low, but after I spent some time talking to my Father, all was good again. That's the first time in a long time that I haven't fallen in the downward spiral of beating myself up again and again.

- I am trying something new at work. We are moving our Family Worship event to Saturday nights, twice a semester. We have some really cool things planned, it will be neat to see it all come together. And for the first time in a long time, I feel like I have a handle on something in my ministry. For a long time, I have felt like I have just been doing good to keep my head above water. Now, I feel like I can swim and get things done.

So, it's been an interesting journey these last three weeks. The biggest thing I've been reminded of the last month is that I can only be in control of myself and that one day I will have to answer to God for my actions and words...not for anyone else's. I need to quit worrying so much about other people and do what I feel is right. God is God and I am not. It's really cool to be able to trust God and know that He is in control.

VBS Week

2009-08-04T22:28:00.002-05:00

Well, the most important week of my ministry is here. This week is Vacation Bible School at our church. I'm in charge of all of the 1st-6th graders and the happenings with them. There is A LOT of planning, details, and praying that goes into this week. Whew...it's kinda crazy right now.

I went into this week a little nervous...my track record with past VBS weeks hasn't been so good. This is my 5th VBS to do and the other four have gone wonderfully but there has also been "happenings" associated with all of them. This year I found myself to be nervous again anticipating what was going to happen this week. So far so good. I have tried soooo hard to make sure that I am doing my part and allowing other people to do theirs. I have tried to take off the "super-hero" cape and let other people help and have input.

It takes a lot of mental energy to make sure that I'm minding my ps and qs. I just don't want a replay of the last four years in any shape, form, or fashion. I have even gone to writing the things I need to remember on a green hairband that I wear around my wrist. I figure, whatever gets the job done, works for me. I am so thankful that so far this year's VBS has been great! It's different this year...different in a good way. I don't know if it's the constant reminder of the words on my wrist, or just that I am at a very different place then I was this time last year, but things are definitely better.

I'm still nervous about tomorrow night and Thursday night, because that is when things have seemed to come to a head in years past. But, I will take whatever comes and deal with it as it comes. After all, God is in control of all of it and He will accomplish His purpose. After all, it's not about me.

Chapter 3: My World Changed Forever

2009-07-15T22:28:00.003-05:00

Once I figured out that God was wanting me to stay in Burleson, I accepted the position of Minister to Children on June 1, 2005. I was so excited about my position and the relationships that I was going to get to make with the children and their families. On June 16th, 2005 a friend of mine's husband was killed in a tragic car accident. This friend was the same one whom was my previous boss when I was an intern at Burleson. Needless to say, it was a life-changing event for me. You may ask why? Was I that close to the family at the time of the accident? No, not really. So why did it affect me so much? I think it was a combination of someone whom I cared about hurting and wondering what God was up to in all of this. I also completely immersed myself into my friend and her kids because I wanted to. That was how I could minister to them.

This event catapulted me into a four year journey of figuring out who God is, my relationship with Him, and how I relate to other people. Those four years included 2 and 1/2 years of counseling and many many hours of talking to people trying to figure out what was going on. There were some low, low times, and there were also some big "Ah Ha" moments. It was by far the hardest journey I have been on in my life. No one else really understands that journey and I'm OK with that. As I have used this blog to chronicle my journey, I have said many times that this "crisis of faith" would have occurred anyway, without the tragic event of my friend's husband passing.

As my many blog entries have followed my journey, I am now at a much healthier place then I was even 6 months ago. God has been with me every step of the way and even though I have tried the best I could to run away, He never left. The coolest thing is that He loves me just as much today as He did four years ago. My relationship with Him looks very different today, it's more realistic and personal. I still don't have the answers I would like nor do I understand everything that I would like to, but I know that God is still God and I most definitely am NOT.

So what does chapter 4 look like? Only God knows. We shall see.

Chapter 2- School Never Ends

2009-06-20T15:22:00.000-05:00

Heading to college at Samford University was a definite adjustment. I immediately joined the band and began to make friendships there that would last a lifetime. After deciding to join a sorority, I found even more friends and began to adjust to college life. My first year was a little rough. The adjustment was definitely evident in my grades my first semester, as I was having entirely too much fun with my friends! But that soon turned around as I learned how to balance my time between studying and hanging out with friends.

In the Spring of my freshman year, my grandfather passed away after a long battle with Alzheimer's. That was a difficult time, yet we were all glad he didn't have to suffer anymore and that he could be in Heaven with his Savior and his lovely wife. I still miss my grandparents and think about them often. Throughout that year I was reminded of God's presence in my life and His guiding me as to my career.

The Fall of my sophomore year, I finally gave in to God's calling on my life to do ministry. The summer before I had worked at a camp in Florida and it was at that camp that I felt God's nudging to Children's Ministry. So, I finally gave up the fight and decided I would go God's way instead of my own.

The next two years, were a whirlwind as I experienced normal college life. Dating, not dating, dating again, gaining friends, losing friends, making new friends. After I graduated from Samford, I knew the next step was to attend seminary. So, in the Fall of 2002 I enrolled at Southwestern with the desire to pursue a master's in Christian Education to go along with God's calling on my life. Seminary was an interesting time. I learned a lot about myself and found myself making lots of new friends and exploring more about my faith. There was a time in my three years at Southwestern that I was tired of all the "God stuff" but unlike my time in high school, I stuck with it and got involved in a group at my church that encouraged me along the way. Seminary was difficult, fun, but difficult. In January of 2005 I began to apply for Children's Minister positions throughout the Southeast to be closer to home. I went for several interviews, but was uneasy about all of them. At the same time, the church were I was currently an intern had decided to split the Children's Minister position into a Preschool Minister and Children's Minister. My boss decided she wanted to take the Preschool Minister position because that was where her kids were at the time and she felt she could have greater influence in that area. So, the Children's Minister position was open. However, I still wanted to get closer to home, but I did apply for the position at my church. For 5 months I wondered what God was up to. I wanted to get closer to home, but God had other ideas.

What's Next

2009-06-17T20:16:00.003-05:00

Now that I've actually "gotten to the porch" in my relationship with God, what am I going to blog about now. I thought I would share my story on my blog. All of it, not just bits and pieces. I want to put the whole story together for me to see the way God has worked through it all and to possibly help some of you who are going through the same situation that I was.

So here's Chapter 1

Growing up in a Christian home with wonderful Christian parents, I have had the best upbringing possible. Everyday I am thankful to God for my family and the influence they have had and continue to have on my life.

When I was 9 years old I made the decision to accept Christ as my Lord and Savior. At that time, I understood the limited amount of knowledge a 9 year old can understand about who God is. Basically, I knew that Jesus died on the cross for me and I wanted to go to Heaven when I died. So, I did what I knew to be right at that time. It wasn't until 6 years later that I would have a better understanding of that decision.

Fast forward to my freshman year of high school. Throughout my school years I was known as the "good girl." I was the girl who never drank, smoke, cussed, or really thought bad about anyone. I seemed to have it all together. I thought so too, until I got tired of wearing that label. One day, as I was in the fall of my freshman year, I decided to change my label. I found friends that were very different than me. These friends smoked, cussed, and who knows what else. I thought they would be perfect for me to hang out with, just to get rid of that hated label. After all, who really wants to hang out with a "good girl?"

So for a season of time I hung out with those "friends." I talked like they did and dressed like them, flannel shirts and jeans, even in the summer. What was I thinking? Life continued on and I was drifting farther and farther away from God and my "good girl" label. I was tired of going to church and decided that as long as I did certain things, that seemed "normal" then no one would expect any different. I think my parents weren't fooled at all. I never went as far as participating in the activities that they did, though I came awfully close one time. It seemed that just being around them was enough for me.

I never will forget the day it all changed. I was walking into band class with those same friends when another friend approached me. She and I had grown quite decent from one another because of my choice in my current friendships. She was a "good girl" too and I didn't want to have anything to do with that. As she approached me that day, I could tell something was up. She told me words I will never forget. "Laura, you have to choose between them or me. What's your choice?" At that time I didn't know what to say. However, in the next month or so that followed I found myself on my knees before God asking Him for forgiveness and receiving the grace that He so freely gives us. I spent many hours in my youth minister's office talking to him and telling him of my struggle. It was after a long, hard, battle with myself that I made the decision to recommitment my life to Christ. So at the age of 15 I decided that I didn't care what label people out on me. I was a child of God, and that was a label I am proud to wear.

Chapter 2 to appear soon-School never ends

On the Porch

2009-05-05T23:39:00.002-05:00

Wow, writing that title is scary enough in and of itself. To make a long story short, I was told last Tuesday by my counselor that I have reached the porch. What the crap?!? That thought is terrifying some days...actually most days, but even though it doesn't feel like it, I am taking him at his word. So, Tuesday I was told I was on the porch. Late Tuesday night I received a phone call from a lady at our Christian Women's Job Corp asking me if I would share my testimony the next morning. I asked her how long I would need to speak for (thinking about 15 minutes) and she said an hour. Whoa...what in the world? What am I going to tell these ladies for an hour? Anyway, I told them my story. Not just how I became a Christian, but where I am at right now in my relationship with God. That was the first time I had ever told anyone my story other than my close friends. I wanted to share my story with these ladies to offer them some glimpse of hope in their own lives. So, I ended up talking for 45 minutes and did an OK job. I felt like that was a pretty big step in my relationship with God to tell people my story.

Fast forward to Saturday. Our city hosted a concert where Francis Chan, Kirk Cameron, David Crowder, and Chris Tomlin performed. It was rainy and cold, but well worth it. As Francis was speaking I realized that I was holding on so tightly to the need to be in control that I was scared to let God actually do what He does. After listening to Francis and a little Chris Tomlin, I was moved to tears to let go of my need to control things and give it to God. I wrote down what I surrendered on my commitment card and I also wrote that I committed to fall in love with God all over again. That's a HUGE thing! I think the porch is a place where God and I can hang out and I can love Him again. I want to love God like I see other people loving God. I wan to love God as He is the most important part of my life and that He is a part of everything I do.

So, now I only email my counselor if I need to come in. That's kinda scary too, but I've got some great friends and a great God who will help me each and every day. Will the days be easy? Heck no. But I'm still taking things one day at a time...trusting God with what I have for that day...and that is enough.

Where in the World is Smitty?

2009-03-23T22:27:00.004-05:00

Wow...it's been a while. I have missed blogging. Life has been a little busy as usual, but I should have still found time to blog.

So what's been going on lately you ask? Well, things are pretty much the same with work and such. God has challenged me in SOOOO many ways over the last month and continues to challenge me everyday. Here are some of what I have learned:

1. God is still on the porch and I am not. This past Sunday at church, I was put in a similar situation that I was in at Children's Camp. At that time, I was asked to picture God in a chair in the same room with me and I ran out of the room. Yesterday, I was talking with the kids about questions they have for God and things they didn't understand. There was a stool next to me and I asked the kids "if God were sitting right here, what would you want to ask Him?" They had some really good questions. During their questions, I found myself very nervous with the idea of God sitting next to me. What in the world!! I thought I was past that. It was/is a huge bump in the road. But I'm trying to pick myself back up and keep going.

2. I have been reminded that friendships are hard and sometimes hurtful...not necessarily in a bad way. Over the last month I have established a great friendship and am so thankful for that. Yet, sometimes, it's SOOO hard. Other friendships have changed or have taken on a totally different dynamic and that saddens me a great deal. Yet through all of these changes I know that God will bring people into my life and is always with me, even in the midst of difficult relationships.

3. Patience, in every sense of the word. There are situations in my life where all I can do is be patient and rely on Him. I guess that means to trust Him. Easier said than done most days. I just don't understand what He is up to. There's so much going on in my head and in my life that all I can do is keep my head above water one day at a time.

I am concerned too that my blog has become a place where I must filter everything I say and write because of all the people who read here. It's taking way to much effort to post something that doesn't offend people even if it's how I'm feeling or not. I wonder if I should just stop blogging. I do enjoy the comments from others, so I'm not quite sure.

Oh my...what a crazy month it's been.

Getting Life Back Together

2009-02-11T23:12:00.003-06:00

The last couple of days have been difficult to say the least. I have made more people mad then I care to remember. I have worked out a couple of those things that I did to make them so mad. Yet, I still have some more to go. I did something today that I wish to NEVER EVER do again. It's not important what I did, just that I am so thankful God always forgives, time and time again. That's the most comforting thought for today.

I'm trying to figure out the best way to balance my time between my friends. That's a challenge in itself. I want both friends to feel equally respected and valued by me and my concern is that right now, I'm being rather one-sided. I would never want to do that.

There's just a lot going on right now, but I have decided that after two days of being grouchy, distant, frustrated, and feeling like I was floundering in the ocean, I have decided to get my life back together. God is the only one who can help me with that. I realized tonight that no one has control over what I do, say, and feel except me. They don't get that privilege. So, it's time to get my life back together and stop being such a butt-head. I'm tired of it. I want the old Laura to come back.

That was my prayer tonight. God, help me to enjoy life, enjoy my friends, and let go of some things so they do not control me. So, we shall see what happens next.

Compliment and Courage

2009-01-28T11:09:00.002-06:00

Last week I received a wonderful compliment from one of the ladies in the office. Let me set the scene for you. We had Bible Study on Tuesday night and this lady asked me if I would pray in our group. I said that I would and preceded to do so, not giving it another thought. The next day, she said "Laura, I love hearing you pray." I asked her "Why" and she said "because it's like God is sitting across the table from you and you are talking to Him as a friend." Have mercy!!! I'm never been told that before. My reaction to her was to tell her that my prayer life was a work in progress and this honesty in praying was something new to me. She told me not to change it.

Wow...that conversation has stuck with me since then. It feels good to be walking on the path toward the porch. I may not be there yet, not sure what it will look like when I get there, but I am on my way.

One thing I am asking God for is the courage to continue down the path and courage to step out of my comfort zone a little, set boundaries, and be honest with others. One of the most difficult part of this journey with God is that He constantly reminds me to depend on Him and only on Him. He has brought people into my life to support me, love me, and encourage me along the way, yet they are just people. They will fail me at one time or another. God is the only constant in my life and the only one who I can really tell everything to. That's been an interesting, sometimes scary journey...telling everything to God. Realizing that He is the only one I can tell EVERYTHING to. Yet, that's what He wants from me. I may not get the answers I want or have the audible voice that I would have with a friend but He always listens. Courage...keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust God for today in-spite of what may come. That's a daily battle, but I will keep fighting.

What in the World

2009-01-14T22:22:00.002-06:00

That's what I've been saying for the last couple of days. In the last day I have begun to develop a friendship with someone who I think I can really reach out to. She has a very difficult past and is determined to rebuild her life. I applaud her for her determination and her toughness. She wants to build a better life for her and her son. For some reason, at this point in time God has put her in my life. I don't understand why. But I really think I can help her. The problem is that when friendships like this occur, I tend to get very out of balance with those friendships. My strong desire to help people tends to outweigh my necessity to look out for myself. In doing this time and time again, I have gotten hurt time and time again and quite frankly it sucks. She is fearful of getting hurt in one way and I find myself somewhat guarded in my friendship with her. I want to help her in any way I can, but I don't want that to bite me in the butt later. She is so hesitant to reach out to anyone...to build a relationship with anyone that I don't want to hurt her. But I am fearful that one day I will do that. However, based on my journey with God and where I am at in that journey, I think I can help her with hers....even though they look very different.

Things are just so upside-down right now. Last night I attended the 2nd week of my Bible study on Boundaries. I know this friendship will give me a great opportunity to practice those boundaries. But, it scares me to death. I don't want to change who I am, but yet part of me feels like I need to. I just don't know anymore. Based on what I have learned so far, I don't have very good boundaries. I actually already knew that...hence why I'm taking the class. But seeing it on paper is something different.

I always find myself asking, "how does this all relate to God?" I think God is teaching me things, I just can't quite figure out what it is. God is God. I am not. He loves me and is always with me whether I'm upside-down or right-side up. That much I have figured out. I don't know what He's up to right now. This is where it gets hard to trust...when I can't see what is in front of me nor do I know what path I am on. Yet He's in control and I need to rest in that. But, man, that's so hard to do.

It's Different This Time

2009-01-11T22:04:00.002-06:00

Tonight was our first Bible study at my home after the Christmas break. It was different this time. I found myself among people who experience the same struggles that I have/had. We talked about a common struggle we have with prayer. The difference was that instead of just listening to people talk about it, I actually participated in the discussion and shared a little bit of what my prayer life looks like now. I enjoyed being able to do that. I was cautious in what I said, but at least I participated.

Speaking of my prayer life, it's different now too. I am still finding myself being honest with God, but it still feels as if there is a barrier between God and I and I have no idea why. Yes, I have told Him that and still don't have an answer. Part of me wonders if I am being as honest with God as I need to be. I think there are probably some things that I'm not telling God but I can't put those thoughts/emotions into words. Do any of ya'll have experience with this? If so, suggestions on how I could figure out what's going on would be greatly appreciated.

I am attending a Bible study on Tuesday nights with several older ladies from our church. It's a study on Boundaries and I think it will be very helpful to not only learn from these women, but establish healthy boundaries as well. Normally, I would never have thought about going to this Bible study, but it's different this time.

So maybe things are starting to look up...maybe a little bit more together. I'm trying very hard to not worry so much, because God is always with me and He's in control. So, why should I worry?

We shall see where this all goes. it's just different this time.

What Page Am I On?

2009-01-04T22:24:00.001-06:00

The last few weeks have been interesting. Having a much slower schedule than at any other time during the year, has afforded me lots of time to think and process things. I was asked earlier tonight if I could explain what pages I am on in my journey to better understand God and how He works. A month or so ago I came to the realization that no one is going to completely understand my struggle. That’s impossible. However, living in that knowledge is something totally different. The last two weeks or so, I have been living in that reality. It’s opened my eyes to several different things. The other day I got a new Bible…not that I needed one, but I have wanted a different version for a while. On the front of the Bible I had engraved 1 Chronicles 16:11. I have quoted that verse many times to myself throughout the last couple of weeks. :”Search for the Lord and his strength, continually seek Him.” This doesn’t say look to my friends or look to myself, or look to anybody else, except the Lord. That’s so difficult for me to do. The last two weeks, I’ve tried very hard to just seek the Lord because there haven’t been people around for me to talk to. It’s actually turned out OK.

I realized that no one completely understands what’s going on except for God. He gets it. Even though I can’t hear Him and get the immediate response from Him like I can from people whom I talk to, He understands.

Here’s another thought. For some odd reason, I think that I make more progress in processing things when I keep them to myself instead of talking to others. When I talk to others I feel like I am just going in circles and I know that people get frustrated in hearing the same things over and over and over. I was told a couple of weeks ago in not so many words that I was preventing a dear friend of mine from moving forward in her own journey. Ouch. Those words hurt but once I recovered from the shock and thought about the comment that she made, that was a true statement that kicked me in my butt. That’s also the last thing I wanted to do. I don’t want to inhibit anyone else’s progress in their own spiritual journey. So with that statement I made the decision to work on relying on God more rather than on other people.

I’m still not sure how all this is going to turn out. Everyday I have to remind myself of 1 Chronicles 16:11. I guess that’s something else my blue bracelet reminds me of. God gets it, even when no one else does.

It's almost 2009...Crazy!!

2008-12-31T18:16:00.002-06:00

I can't believe that 2009 will be here in just a few short hours. Last year I made the decision to not make any resolutions...I didn't want to set myself up for failure. I couldn't take that at that point in time. This year...tonight...I am making some goals..not resolutions but just things I want to accomplish this year. If I don't get them done, that's OK. But I'm going to try.

- Journal more often. While I consider my blog to be like a journal, it's not the same as journaling in my own handwriting and with just my eyes reading the words on the page. Since I have begun to wear my blue bracelet to remind myself to talk to God everyday, I have found that when I journal my thoughts and prayers it helps my frame of mind.

- Be more outgoing in making friends and keeping friendships. I tend to gravitate towards just a few people at certain times. While I don't think that will change, I do need to increase my circle of friends...friends my own age and at my stage in life.

- A house? Maybe

- Trust God everyday, with the little things and the big things. Be OK with the amount of trust I do have in God, but always strive for a deeper relationship with Him. I wonder if I can get to where I spend time with Him everyday without having nervous feelings?

- Take better care of myself. Get more rest and exercise more. I need to eat healthier by making better choices about what I eat.

- Don't be scared to try new things and step out of my comfort zone in my personal life and in my ministry.

So I guess that's it for my goals for 2009. I'm going to try my best and accomplish these things. I think the most important is to continue to work on my relationship with my Father and in the process I think the other things will come eventually.

I hope you all have a wonderful and blessed 2009! Thank you for another year of reading and walking with me on this journey.

At a Lost for Words

2008-12-15T22:28:00.002-06:00

That's a first huh? Too bad I wasn't talking about my blog. Here's what I don't understand...why is it so hard to explain my thought processes to people? So many times each day I have to tell myself that the only one who completely understands my struggle is God. No one else gets it nor should I expect them too. Most days I am OK with that yet I still wonder what it would be like if someone did completely understand. I don't really want them to, as I have said before. So, I'm quite twisted in my thinking. I think in some ways, over the last three weeks, I have become more guarded and quite about my struggle and my relationship with God. If people aren't going to understand, then what's the point in talking to them about it? Yet maybe the goal isn't to get people to understand. Maybe the goal is to have someone to walk with me on the journey. God walks with me every step of the way, even when I don't want Him to. I really am trying to let that be enough. God understands and that's what I have to go on each and every day. One day I will get to a place where I am cool with that and I won't expect anyone to understand...it's just a slow process.

Every day it takes work...but I'm not going to give up. I just need to find the balance between sharing my faith journey with others realizing that they won't completely understand and relying on God to walk me through.

Christmas is Different This Year

2008-12-15T21:50:00.003-06:00

Last night I attended a wonderful Christmas program at a church in the area. At this concert, the guest singer told us of a ministry he had founded that reaches out to children whose parent(s) are in prison or those who are falling behind in school. Normally, I would have just thought "this man is doing a good thing for others. Good for him." I would have then gone about my regular business of the night. However, last night was different.

You see, in March my music minister back home was charged with sexual abuse and misconduct with a minor in a previous church. This was a shock to everyone and totally threw me for a loop. He was a great guy who had a wonderful wife and two adorable children. No one would have ever suspected any of this. Very long story short, he was found guilty and is spending the next two Christmases in a prison in Maryland, thousands of miles away from his family. Because of his one wrong choice, he is now living the consequences of that choice. Christmas will be different this year for him, his wife, and his kids.

I think the strangest part of all of this is that his children are now in that statistic of "children who's parent(s) are in prison." That was hard to come to terms with last night. It just is so completely UNFAIR. I HATE IT!!!! This will be their first Christmas without dad around and I know it won't be easy. But I also know that someway, somehow God will see them through this Christmas and the one to follow.

Which brings up a whole different, yet somewhat related issue, these kids will see their father again. Yes, they will have a long road of healing ahead of them, but they will see him again here on this earth. What about my friend whose kids won't spend another Christmas with their dad? That still sucks and always will. I wonder which is more difficult to work through..the incarceration of a parent or the death of a parent. In some ways I think they are similar, both dealing with the loss of a parent, in other ways they are completely different.

Christmas is different this year and I pray to God that He will help them through.

Things are about to get interesting

2008-12-03T22:34:00.002-06:00

When people tell you about their blog are you responsible to tell them about yours? I have two people, one who knows me well and the other whom I am beginning to get know, who have told me about their blogs. I have read them and wonder if I should tell them about mine? If I do, that opens up a whole world of things. I would have to explain more and they would have access to other people's blogs. I'm just not so sure about that. So, I'm following one of those blogs anonymously. We shall see how that all plays out.

I have started reading another book: Believing God by Beth Moore. I have done this Bible study twice but I have never read the book. Today I got to the part where she asked us to make a commitment to stick with this redefining my "believing God" way of living for 9 weeks. A part of this is doing something that alters the way I do things everyday...becoming more focused on who God is and what He is doing in my life. So, I've decided that for nine weeks, I am going to write in my journal (not my blog) one honest prayer to God everyday. I shall see how that goes. She also uses verses in Scripture, Numbers 15:37-41 which refers to wearing a blue cord to remember all that God has done for me and to remind me of this commitment I have made. So today, I bought some ribbon and a friend of mine put it on for me, so here I go.

Yesterday I talked with my counselor some more about this whole "all or nothing" mentality that I can't seem to shake. He reminded me to look for little ways that God is working even when I get frustrated with situations where I immediately question Him. He seems to think that will help me not getting so frustrated at God and remind me that God is still God and still loving even if the situation doesn't give evidence to that. It also goes with that whole being thankful thing. The list is over, but I learned some things about God through the exercise. He also has read half of The Shack and he really likes it. He said that he understands why I identify so much with that book and why reading it and hearing the author was so impactful for me. I still can't get that book out of my head.

About three days ago I found a good friend of mine on Facebook. This is a friend who was a mentor to me during college and...thanks to Facebook chat...was able to talk to her about some of what's going on in my life. She lives in Georgia and it was nice to talk to someone who has no ties to Texas. She wants me to email her sometime this week and continue the conversation with her. I think I will do that.

I still seem to have a chip on my shoulder that I can't quite shake. I still am a little jaded when people talk about God in..what seems to me to be flippant. However, that's where they are in their faith. I'm not there and I need to be OK with where they are at. I'll get there...it's just slow. I think some of "the chip" is directed at God. I'm not sure why, but things still aren't great. They are still unsettled in that regards. Maybe I'll have some clarity in these next 9 weeks.

So, I feel like my life is about to get interesting with all that is going on. Tomorrow is a new day and it will be interesting to see what's in store.

I think I can...I think I can

2008-12-01T22:46:00.007-06:00

God is in control...trust God with the amount of trust I have for today....God is in control...Trust God with the amount of trust I have for today...God is in control...etc...

Convincing myself of that today. God is in control, even if I don't get it. God loves me and is with me even though I don't get that either.

The Christmas decorations are up. This is the earliest I've ever put up my decorations. I'm hoping they will help me to get in the Christmas spirit. We shall see. Here's a picture of the manger scene in my apartment. It's my favorite pieces of my decorations. My mom and I spent many hours painting and glazing the stable. I'm pretty proud of it!

I'm sure there were things that Mary and Joseph didn't understand, but they knew God was in control. And they were able to rest in that...why can't I?

Hum......

2008-11-17T21:41:00.002-06:00

Not knowing what to say sucks. I shall see what comes out.

The Thankful list is getting difficult. I do have to be intentional about what I look for each day to be thankful for. In all honesty, it's not easy to be thankful right now. I feel like things just aren't going quite right. I don't know what's going on. Last night we had rehearsal for FX and it completely bombed. It was horrible! However, I know that by Wednesday night, it will all go together. Which I am thankful to God for. I have also been reminded during this week of Operation Christmas Child that there are so many other people in the world that have more significant problems then I do. So, I just need to get over all of this and trust God with it all.

That's what I hear people saying to me and what I am telling myself. This is where the second part of my homework comes in. Each day I have to tell myself to take the small amount of trust I have in God for that day and let that be enough. So, that requires a lot of hard work but I'm going to give it a shot. I'm still not at the porch but maybe this is a step to get there.

I think I need to challenge myself a bit. I don't know what tomorrow has in store but I do know that God is with me and that will have to be enough.

Also, after talking with a good friend on Friday, I was once again reminded that no one is completely going to understand. God is the only one who will completely understand and He wants me to come to Him instead of seeking other people to "get it." They won't...there's no need in spending all my effort in telling them my story in hopes that they understand.

I think there will be some changes coming...I'm not exactly sure what those are, but I just feel like something must change. We shall see.

God is in control, God is in control, God is in control....

Wallets and What?

2008-11-11T22:02:00.003-06:00

This past Sunday at church, a parent, whom I have a great amount of respect for, came into our large meeting space with her son in tow. She was a little early, due to the fact that she was helping me lead the Sunday school at both hours. When she and her son entered the room, he had been looking for his wallet. This is how the conversation played out:

Son: "Mom, I want a soda out of the machine. I really wish I could find my wallet."

Mom (opening up her purse): I know dear...oh look...here it is! This was a total "God-thing."

Son: Wow Mom! I thought you already looked in there.

Mom: I did and it wasn't there. (To me): Laura, look how God put this wallet in my purse right on top for me to find. Isn't that something?

Laura: That's really cool.

Ok...so that's more or less the conversation. Do I think God really put the wallet there? No. I didn't see a wallet float through the air nor do I think it magically appeared in her purse. I really don't think that God cares all that much about whether or not the child lost his wallet. He may care, but I don't think it will occupy much of His time. Rather, maybe there are other things that God wants this child to learn through the experience of losing something precious to him.

This goes back to a post I wrote a long time ago about "sunshine theology." I just don't think God cares about parking spots at Walmart, lost wallets, or any other trivial thing in our day to day lives. Then again what does He care about? I know He cares about me, so wouldn't He care about the things I am concerned about?

I tried very hard on Sunday to be gracious to this person and not let the frustrated of what she said get to me. I think I did OK with that, however it still rolls around in my head. This is someone who has had a struggle in her life that I'm quite certain has caused her to redefine her faith and yet, she has this "happy clappy" mentality about God and His relationship with her. That doesn't make any sense to me.

Hum...I'm not sure what to make of all of this. Before this, I even thought about having coffee with her one evening soon and sharing with her some of my struggle (not this blog though) because she might be someone who can relate. But now, I'm not so sure.

Second Guessing Myself

2008-11-10T21:59:00.003-06:00

Do you ever have those times when you second guess a decision you have made because of the ramifications that decision may have not only on yourself but on others as well?

Tonight, that's where I find myself. I took a risk by letting someone into my journey and now I wonder if it was the right thing to do. Last night I was privileged to speak with a young lady about her on struggles with God and I was able to give her some advice and encouragement based on my own struggle and the things that God has taught me thus far. That was a moment when I could see the good coming from my struggle. So, my desire is to help other people in their journeys and let them into my life to learn things from them and of their own life journeys.

So, it was with that desire that I let someone into my struggle by telling them about this blog. I did so for various reasons, but one was because I felt it necessary to let this person into my life...to see the real Laura. There is only a select few of people in my life that know about this blog, and I wanted to expand that circle just by one person. However, now I am regretting that decision. I may have put another friendship in danger by allowing this other person to have access to these posts. I would never want to do that and I had no intention of doing so. It never crossed my mind that because we have a common friend in this person that my friend who links her blog to mine might not want this other person in my life reading her blog.

As I think about what I have done it seems like a no win situation. I try to let somebody into my life, and it backfires...causing me to second guess my decision. I can't take it back now, what's done is done. I'm just worried about the ramifications of that decision. Not only am I opening myself up for more questions and more thoughts, but I wonder if I have damaged a dear friendship as well.

I'm not sure what to do next. I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth the risk to let other people in. I'm not so sure.

On My Own

2008-11-05T22:02:00.002-06:00

Warning: This post is not intended to offend anyone in anyway. Nor is it meant to be prideful or arrogant.

If you are still reading, OK. Know that I am using this post to sort things out so it may be rather random and not very fluid. Today, I finally settled on the fact that my struggle is unique to me and while people may understand somewhat, they will not understand completely. I wouldn't want them to understand completely because they would have to have the same struggle that I have had and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. The Catch-22 is when I talk with people and share with them my struggles they don't understand and I get frustrated at them. Which isn't fair to those individuals who are doing the best they can to offer advice and suggestions to help me in my situation, whatever that may be. Realizing that people aren't fully going to understand, I don't need to be frustrated at them when they just "don't get it." So, with this realization I also realize that the only "person" who completely understands is God and that's all that should matter. I think one of the keys to not being so frustrated with other people when they don't "get it" is making a conscious effort to remind myself that God completely understands. He "gets it." I also need to remember the value that I have found in talking with other people regarding my struggle. They might not completely understand but they do offer great words of wisdom and that is priceless to me.

I'm not sure how all of this plays into my quest to "get closer to the porch" but I do know that it will change the way I interact with people. It might in some twisted way make it easier for me to talk to people and share my own experiences. Maybe not having the expectation that people will/should understand will enable that to happen. Who knows?

Also, a large part of me keeps thinking about going back to school. There's something very special to me about helping children and their families work through difficult situations and help them rebuild their family. There are pros and cons to the decision to go back to school. I'll keep praying on that one. It's just been in the forefront of my mind in the last few days.

And so it goes...