the view from the inside....

Endings....and beginnings

2006-05-09T15:16:00.000-07:00

I have read this blog so many times that I could recite much of it to you. I could tell you how people find it, what words the google to happen across the archives, who reads it regularly....I could read you the statistics.

But now it's time for a fresh start.

A lot has changed in my life. In fact, I feel like I've started a new one. And I'm tired of rereading the mistakes and the hurt and the anger. It's over....and something beautiful has begun.....

...and, hence, I have started a new blog.

Click Here

Setting the record straight for single moms everywhere.

2006-03-09T14:48:00.000-08:00

Single mothers need love too.
No really, we do.
We spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week doing all of the things that we do because we are responsible for someone else's welfare and well being. We hold ourselves accountable for shaping the minds and hearts of little people. We hope that we can help them grow into loving, unjaded adults, by our example....even if we don't have an "other half" to fill the void. We are a mother and a father all rolled into one - the best friend and the disciplinarian - the good guy and the bad guy....and it's a lot of fucking work.

Often, it's a job we CHOOSE to continue to do on our own because, by the time you become a single parent, you have seen proof that having two parents in a household does not necessarily make it a better environment. In fact, if it's not the right two people, it can be detrimental to the well being of EVERYONE in the household. As horrible as it sounds, it's true.

By chance, sometimes, the woman who lives her life for someone else has the opportunity to meet someone who brings an extra spark of life into her smile. A little extra hint of joy.
Someone who can give her that sense of freedom and carelessness that she long forgot.... even if only for a minute. Someone who can wrap their arms around her and make her forget, for just a second, all of the balls that she's got in the air and give her the composure to catch them all instead of drop a few.

Sometimes even those of us who have committed ourselves to molding another human being find out that we have a void in our lives that needs to be filled - and, when you find the person who fits in that empty space, it makes your heart lighter.

We're not just single moms, you know.
We're normal people.
We find ourselves attracted to people.
We find ourselves in need of companionship.
We date people because we enjoy their company.
We go to the next level with people because we care about them, genuinely.
We love people, sincerely.

Contrary to the apparently popular belief, we aren't just looking for someone else to help us raise our children. Love is meant to fill a void in your life and your heart, not in your pocketbook. Being with someone makes the load easier to bear because you have emotional support, not because someone else is taking on the responsibility.

It really makes me angry that people seem to think otherwise.

Honestly, I think Depeche Mode said it best in an old familiar song:

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She will hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear
Of those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it

All of the above

2006-03-02T16:08:00.000-08:00

2006 is shaping up to be everything I had hoped that it would be. Every time I have a fear or a doubt or a worry, it is quickly subsided.

I am feeling the artistic vibes start to flow out of me again. I am inspired to write. I am inspired to sing. I am inspired to dance.

Most importantly, I'm inspired to spin records.

We all know that this is something that I can ONLY do when I'm happy.

:)

Yay.

But, seriously, I ran into a bit of a conundrum today.

I know that Kevin knows that this blog exists. I know he does. But I also know that he hasn't read it. *whew*
For quite some time, even though he was on myspace, I never added him to my preferred list because I didn't want to risk him reading some of the things that he wrote about him. In light of recent events, I have added him. EVERYTHING is out in the open.

Then, today, I said something. I was sitting at lunch with a good friend and we were talking about Kevin and, out loud, I said "I'm going to marry that boy one day." I think the fact that I said it out loud was shocking enough to me that I couldn't even play it off as a joke. I said "Oh dear god, that's insane." followed by "Of course, you know, it wouldn't be for a loooooong time." My friend laughed at me. And I thought, I've got to write this shit down and see what I make of it.

And then I realized that I couldn't.

I realized that I had given up my own space for private thoughts. Shit.

Time to create a new journal. A new blog. A new space. I'm sure you guys will all find it eventually. *wink*

Coming clean.

2006-02-24T16:32:00.000-08:00

Here is my life in a nutshell. As direct as can be.

I got a job at Ichiban part time to get extra cash flow.
I met a boy who worked there.
I began to date him casually.
I fell in love.
I fell into denial.
I tried several times to break things off with him but couldn't follow through.
He wouldn't let me.
He tried to make a break for it.
I didn't let him.
We laid our cards on the table.
We're in love.
And we're happy.
And Nevin's happy.
Everything is perfect.
Finally.

surprise.

2006-02-10T10:39:00.000-08:00

"...something happens and I'm head over heels
I never find out 'till I'm head over heels
something happens and I'm head over heels
no, don't take my heart
don't break my heart
don't, don't, don't throw it away..."

I caught the pop-up to right field....but can I make the play at 3rd?

#556

2006-02-08T11:33:00.000-08:00

Amazing that I've gotten this far. 555 posts have gone before and here I am, writing number 556 and just relishing in the fact that I've kept all of this emotion somewhere safe....somewhere that it can be reviewed and returned to and remembered.

Today's post was supposed to be entitled "I was up above it....now I'm down in it"

We know I've gotten myself involved in something. I don't know how to define it cuz neither or us are keen on labels....but we're involved. Perhaps a bit more emotionally involved than either of us was prepared for. I openly admit that I'm falling....or maybe I've already fallen. Regardless, I'm in deep.

The fact of the matter is that we've got issues.

When I say "we've got issues", I don't mean that there are any issues between us. Au contraire, it is that there are individual issues that we have to work past. He has his, I have mine.

The odd part is that I actually am willing to work towards fixing them.

Why?

Well, honestly, I couldn't say. He was the one I never would have expected. He was the piece of heaven that fell into my lap and made the days all look different...and better. He was the one who fate put me in the way of. Who knew that the Universe's plan could be so amazing and wonderful and breathtaking? I'm in awe. I really am. I'm in awe.

Flying under the radar

2006-02-01T09:17:00.000-08:00

That's what I feel like I've been trying so hard to do lately. It's making me insane. I'm not the kind to hide things or avoid things or shy away from things....tomorrow night, the goal is to make all of this clear.

I had the most amazing talk with Jeff last night.

I know, I can hear all of you groaning....but it's not our usual kind of talk - promise. I kind of laid into him. The brutal honesty that I've been demonstrating came into play. I confronted him about the issues that I have been left with: About my fear of feeling, my fear of committment, the new insecurities, the feeling of failure, the feelings of inadequacy....everything. Amazingly enough, he expressed having many of the same fears. And, after digging through our past for a bit - the little dishonesties, the forced feelings, the obligatory committment - we really got to the bottom of things.

Above all, Jeff was my best friend. We started hanging out in 1998 and were inseparable. He was my shining star. He was the bright spot in my day. He was like family. Then, one day in 1999, amid some strange situations, we ended up asking each other why we had never gotten together. And, there we fell - he moved in a few days later and we were inseperable. Shortly thereafter, I became pregnant with Nevin.

While Jeff and I loved each other, deeply, it was not the type of love that people marry for. We were never IN LOVE with each other the way that we should have been. Where we messed up is that we tried to force that. Both of us felt strongly that, if we were going to have a child together, we had to be a family. We had to be that perfect, picturesque model of what life is like. Truth is, we never were. We both faked it well - we convinced the whole world that we were madly in love with each other....but I don't think we ever really convinced ourselves. I tried to convince myself...but failed over and over. He did the same. We played the family well: hosting Thanksgiving, having family days on the weekends at Fairy Tale Town, driving to work together in the mornings or meeting for lunch, always kissing each other goodbye and making sure that we didn't hang up the phone without saying I love you. We had the cute apartment in the great neighborhood, we both had good jobs, we had the matching cars & the family pictures at Disneyland..... But, instead of building an epic love story, we built the foundation for a resentment that would eventually deconstruct both of us into casks of nothing that had to be rebuilt and reshaped and reformed.

I've been working on it for a while now.
Jeff just started at Christmas.
But it's brilliant.

And, talking to him last night, I realize that I have my best friend back. He's on the road to recovery. He will be my friend until we die. I hope that the man in my life will always be able to understand that.

Update for 2006 thus far

2006-01-20T10:02:00.000-08:00

Milestones, I tell you. Milestones. This is the year where it all becomes clear. I can feel it and I like it more than I can express.

Jeff called Nevin. The very day before Nevin had counseling. While my car was broken down. It was like some kind of cosmic intervention. My car broke down right after I answered the phone and started running right before I hung up. I guess the universe wanted me to take the time to listen to him - so I did. I guess the important thing I learned from Jeff is to keep my expectations realistic. It's like that Gin Blossoms song "Hey Jealousy" where they say If you don't expect too much from me, you might not be let down. Thank you, life, for teaching me to be more realistic in my expectations of people. They will give you what they will and nothing more.

Counseling is going well. Nevin gets a lot of stuff out. Unfortunately, I leave the office feeling like I just got ran over. Why? Because it just breaks my heart to hear that he's been holding so much in. To know exactly how this whole situation has left him feeling deep inside that innocent little heart of his has been really hard for me. I leave on the verge of tears, feeling empty and listless. Looks like I may need some counseling to deal with the counseling.... But, as my dad said it best, at least Nev is getting the help that he needs so that this won't effect him permanently. He's learning young how to cope and deal with things that hurt him. He'll be a pro by high school.

I have met a new man that I absolutely adore. Twitterpated is the most accurate description that I can come up with. He's smart and funny and gorgeous and the chemistry between us is just amazing. I can just sit and tell stories with him or play board games with him or make out with him or talk to him on the phone half asleep at 3:30 in the morning and....whatever it is....it makes me smile. Always. It's been a long freakin' time since I actually enjoyed someone's company this much. And, honestly, just to get to the point that we can tell people we are seeing each other, we had to go through A LOT of drama - both at work and in our personal lives. So, here we are, nearly a month later, and all is well. It was worth every second of the b.s. and now I can't help but wonder where things may head for us. Whatever path we are meant to take, I welcome it. I'm sure I'll make the walk smiling....even if we just end up good friends. Although, honestly, I'm hoping that isn't the case.

I'm still working two jobs. I'm still thriving at both. Life has it's ups and downs but, these days, I'm just feeling pretty damned lucky. To be alive. To have such good friends. To have such a wonderful family. To have people in the community offering support to Nevin and I in a tough time. To have a roof over my head. To be loved. To be appreciated. To be me. I may not be everything I ever dreamed I would be, but I'm too happy to have any regrets.

2006, I love you.

Interesting, to say the least

2006-01-06T10:02:00.000-08:00

I was talking to a friend last night who was quick to point out, after I said a few things about my past, that I have a bad habit of dating my coworkers. Seriously, every job I have ever had in my entire life (save 2) I have dated someone that I worked with. Has this ever been a problem? Only once....when I broke up with the guy and he got all ridiculously depressed. I tend to be the person who breaks things off. I know when things feel right and I know when they don't...and when they don't, I high tail it out of there like I'm on fire. I guess it's not the best habit, but it works. And, surprisingly enough, I'm friends with nearly all of my exes.....save 2....and it's cuz they're just jerks.

I've been having some questions regarding this dating thing that I'm doing right now. I think that it occurred to me last night that I would actually like things to go somewhere with this guy. Being that I'm the girl who always runs when I see committment approaching, the fact that I am feeling this way makes me kind of nervous. On the other hand, the fact that I am feeling so comfortable and into this guy has made me feel a little fearless. I'm not walking into the situation with my heart clutched so tightly in my grasp that I may choke the life out of it....instead, it's in the palm of my hand and I'm just waiting to see whether he's going to reach for it or not. It's a nice change, to be honest. Feeling like I don't need to be in such control - like I can go with the flow - it's rather liberating.

That and he makes my toes tingle. hehehe

I do these because I'm a girl and I can't stop myself

2006-01-04T10:04:00.000-08:00

Yvette
&
Johnny Rocket

81% Compatible

♥ Yvette and Johnny Rocket have very recently begun dating. Similar personality descriptions are a plus. They both drink, so there is no incompatibility there. Both are also sports fans, and that can bring people together. Both are brainy, and that is a good thing. Their astrological signs are in harmony, which is a plus. And their views on children are similar. Both are sexually-uninhibited. Overall, Yvette and Johnny Rocket are quite compatible. There are a few rough spots, but nothing that cannot be overcome. ♥

Take the Dating Compatibility Test

A year in reflection.....

2005-12-28T09:26:00.000-08:00

2005 was a bitch, wasn't it? So much changed and morphed and evolved into things that I didn't recognize anymore. I feel like this summer began a whole new chapter in my life. I discovered who my real friends were, and who some of them weren't. I recognized that I didn't have all of these limitations that I had put on myself for so long. I stepped forward into this vast lucid future that made more sense to me than anything had in a long time. And the depression rolled off and the fear washed away and I emerged this new creature - stronger and bolder than ever, ready to take on whatever life may put in front of me.

Who knew that I would have to wait until I was 27 years old to really realize my full potential?

And with that came the most fabulous independence I've ever known. It's just me and Nevin against the world - and it's perfect. I've got a new skin on - and it's made me that much better at protecting him from whatever the universe may throw at us ....whether it's his dad going to jail for Christmas (yes, this really just happened) to me having to work two jobs to put him in private school. We've made it - and we're just moving forward.

I look forward to enjoying 2006 with the truth that I have found this past year. I look forward to enjoying the happiness and freedom that my son and I have made for ourselves and seeing where the year takes us....hopefully, it will include warmer climates. But I am starting to wonder if the universe doesn't have some infinitely bigger plan for me here....

Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Nah, not really.

2005-12-22T10:33:00.000-08:00

I've found that I've closed a lot of chapters of yearning in my heart this last year. Old friends, old loves - many things that I had held onto for entirely too long. It was a year of putting closure on things - writing final chapters, recognizing endings, walking away. I'm proud of myself for finally learning how not to dwell on the past and expect it to reflect somehow into my future. My future is better than my past ever could have been.

I'm currently keeping myself very busy - that's why no one has really heard from me. On weekdays I'm still working at the engineering firm and on weekends I serve Teppanyaki at the Ichiban Japanese Steak House. I'm still a single mother...only now I don't have to deal with a ridiculous ex who breaks promises to my son because he has disappeared. I'm happy, I'm losing weight, and I've got a crush on a guy who makes my toes tingle. Life is good - I have nothing to complain about coming into the new year. It's been a long time since I could say that.

To all of my family and friends who have been there: Thank you. I love you. You guys are such a huge part of me and I hope that Monday night reminded all of you of that. Have the best holidays you could ever have and I'm looking forward to next year.

To everyone else: meh. Who else is there?

Shit.

2005-11-22T16:27:00.000-08:00

So, I had been using this 3rd party widget for my Tiger OS dashboard to publish blogs and they have apparently been lost in cyberspace. Fuck.

Here's the recap of the 3 blogs that disappeared.

Met awesome guy at the Green Room.
Met ANOTHER awesome guy through a friend.
Wine Walked, watched football, laughed much.
First awesome guy ended up coming across in a less than lovely manner and I walked.
Maybe it was because I feared his 4 children and was searching for an excuse.
Maybe it was because he made me feel sub par....which I'm not.
Second awesome guy is heinously busy and, though I hear he's interested, he isn't making it known to me.
I'm not one to hold my breath and wait...so that option may dissipate if something doesn't come to fruition.

It's the holidays with only half of a family. We'll be home for Christmas. It leaves me a little listless. I hate to get the traditional holiday depression, but this year I can feel that I'm going to have to force the spirit a bit. I'm sure it will still be beautiful.

Work = good.
Bills = paid...although money will still be tight 'till after Christmas.
Friends = incredible.

I'm waiting to see how things pan out all around....and this time, I'm not holding my breath waiting for anything inparticular to happen. In fact, I'm kind of longing for a surprise.

Thanks to the troops...mine, that is.

2005-11-08T08:37:00.000-08:00

So, I was looking for a piece of paper last night....and I opened an old messenger bag that I had and found a notebook. Not just any notebook - THE notebook. Those of you who were around in 1999 know what I'm talking about. It was a spiral bound notebook, covered in stickers from the B3 X-games Qualifier and the Vans World Tour. Remember that - back when I hung out at skate parks all day long and was at every competition because I lusted after boys that were good on the vert ramp? I forgot what a love I had for a man doing a 540, followed by some varials and frontside tailslides. *sigh* I've got to start getting back to my roots.

Anyways, I pick up this notebook and open it...and there they are. Journal entry after journal entry about me and Jeff. Things changed in a hurry in 1999 and I wish that I had the good sense to read between the lines back then.

The minute I quit partying as much everything turned to shit. I read myself writing down that I had never felt so loved and how much I cared about him....and a week later, after he got depressed, I got to reread how he would belittle and berate me when he was angry. How he would talk badly about others to make himself feel better. How he would disappear while I was sleeping to go and do drugs...and then I got to the page where the real nightmares began - when I was pregnant with Nevin and he didn't want him. And then I got to the page with my travel plans for moving away....first to Fresno, then to Paradise...and then all of the paperwork from my MediCal application.

Why I didn't see then what I had gotten myself into is beyond me. Why I continued to look for t he good in a man who was only wonderful in phases...well, it just doesn't make any sense looking back. And why I let him come back in my life...well, now it's obvious that I only did it for Nevin. And I then invoked 3 years of hell on the both of us.

I know, hindsight is always 20/20.....but I guess my journal just left me amazed at how fooled I had myself. Truth is, I don't think we ever fooled anybody else.

So, to all of you who have stood by me through this mess - thank you. I am glad to say that it's over. While I sometimes miss having a complete family, I don't miss Jeff. His redeeming qualities are completely shadowed by his controlling and selfish tendencies - by his anger issues and his heartlessness.

I guess this Christmas I should be celebrating the freedom that my son and I have been given to ENJOY life instead of just exist.

I would also like to take this opportunity to invite those of you close to my heart to spend the holidays with me & nevin. Because without you, I wouldn't be who I am today. Besides, kids make the holidays better - seriously. And I need someone to wake up on Christmas morning and cook with me while we drink Coffee & Carolan's.

I love you guys. Thank you - for everything.

Sometimes, I just want to be saved from myself.

2005-10-30T17:29:00.000-08:00

This year is going to be especially hard for me. It occurred to me today - when I was watching all of those kids hanging out with their dads in line at Safe Street - that this year is the year that we're really going to feel the impact of Jeff and I splitting up.

Yes, we've been apart for nearly two years now. In fact, two years ago this Christmas is the last time we kissed...and that was most likely a sentimental accident. Nevertheless, regardless of the fact that we weren't together, the holidays are about family and, thus, we spend them together. This year, he has missed them all. He was a no show for Father's day. He was a no show for Nevin's birthday. He's no longer invited to Thanksgiving. And, being that we haven't heard from him in nearly 3 months, I know he won't be coming around for Christmas.

This will be the first Christmas that I have woken up without him since 1998. Yes, he made his grand arrival last year on Christmas eve and we woke up and had coffee together and opened presents and it was just like always. This year, the lonliness is already stabbing at me a little.

I guess sometimes you just have to be careful what you ask for. I had everything that I had ever wanted....and it turned out to be the one thing that was capable of utterly destroying me. Of changing me from the happiest girl in the world to a bitter 27 year old shell of my former self. I've grown a lot the last two years, reshaping myself, reincarnating my soul, regaining the friendships and the family that I pushed aside because Jeff was my number 1....but there's still so much I've lost that I struggle to regain every day. Just thinking about what our relationship did to the core of my being makes me endlessly tired. And, yet, somehow it was worth every minute. I would never be the strong woman I am today without having had to fight back so hard for so many years. And I never would have had the courage to raise Nevin alone. Never. I guess, at least, Jeff taught me to believe in myself.

Still, while Nevin was sleeping in the backseat of the car, "All my Life" by K-ci & JoJo came on the radio (I still want that song played at my wedding one day) and it made me tear up.....sometimes, the one thing you've been waiting for ends up being exactly the opposite of what you expected....and it's crushing.

I guess a part of me love with Jeff until the day I die...but never be in love with him again. Unfortunately, I'm starting to think that a part of me will always hate him a little too. I'm busy, this year, trying to make that part of me go away...it's not healthy to harbor bad feelings towards people.

A small retraction

2005-10-23T04:49:00.000-07:00

Dad and I worked things out. Some days, I wonder if he's reading this and he knows what I'm thinking. I hope not. I would hope that we communicate a little better than that.

Anyways, with that change in order, I MAY be able to return to my original moving plan. Only time will tell, huh?

Cross your fingers that a path makes itself clear to me by the first of the year.

Accepting the things I cannot change

2005-10-21T09:17:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not in a 12-step program or anything, but they've certainly hit on a good point here. So, here's a couple of things that I can't change that I'm not going to dwell on anymore:

*Matt, you're an amazing person and I miss you terribly. While I believe that our falling out was more misunderstanding than anything (from what I remember cuz, honestly, I don't remember much of what happened in your car), I realize that I cannot hold myself responsible for some mistake that I don't even remember making. And while I had hoped that you would take the time to tell me why you were upset so that we could talk it over, I am accepting the fact that you aren't going to and that is that. I wish you the best, my friend, and hope that you find the happiness that you are looking for. If you ever need ANYTHING, know that I will always be here for you. Seriously.
*My dad has made a decision that I'm not too happy with. He believes it's "teaching me a lesson" but I believe it's his way of not believing in me. After all these years, I have to accept that my dad has never thought too much of me and that I will always live in the shadow of my psychotic older half sister. I guess I'm accepting that the mistakes she makes have hurt him in such a way that he does not believe that the rest of us can do any better. I can't change that....so I'm letting it die and generally ignoring anything that comes out of his mouth these days.
*I'm accepting that, on account of the decisions that my dad has made, it may take me longer than a year to get out of Reno.
*I'm accepting that, while my closest friends aren't here, they're still the best friends I will ever have. I have new friends that I love, and some that I've even become quite close to, but I will never have in Reno what I have always had at home. I am just going to have to accept that and finish out my time here.

I'm starting a new chapter, kids. I don't know what will happen from here but I'm not looking back anymore. I've learned. I've grown. I'm moving the fuck on.

I used to live on coffee and cigarettes

2005-10-19T09:25:00.000-07:00

Now it's sugar free red bull and luna bars.

My how times change.

Nevin's daycare is closing on November 23rd. This leaves me and some 30-40 parents trying to figure out what to do with our kindergarteners. It's quite a precarious situation to be left in during the school year. Most places that can transport him to school and back have waiting lists. Hence, I may have to resort to home day care and, quite frankly, I am not excited.

Oh well, such is life. I just wish I could move tomorrow instead of next summer.

In a state of decompression

2005-10-17T23:19:00.000-07:00

This last month has been crazy. Not just for me - but for all of my friends too. One good friend and her man got back together and put things on the best note ever. Another close friend and her man split up for good and she's regaining her freedom. I decided who I really valued and trusted as a friend and who I didn't...and I asked Jeff to please leave our son alone since he can't be consistent or keep his promises....not that he needed anyone to ask him to leave Nevin alone, right? ;) Heck, even things at work have changed a lot. I've got a newfound respect for my abilities in that office, especially after the amazing VPN stunt I pulled last week. I think that, when most people hire Executive Secretaries, they assume that you can type fast and have great grammar and good public skills...they don't necessarily assume that you could build your own computer, let alone network.

Anyway, things are changing ...A LOT. And, in some ways, I really like it.

Honestly, I'm already counting the days until next June. Nevin graduates from Kindergarten and then it's on to bigger and better things. I've already talked to him about the move and he is really excited. He loves the prospect of being close to family. It's been a long time since we've had family around. Seriously, my favorite uncle is there, a handful of cousins, my other aunts & uncles are across the bay...hell, even my little sister.

As I explained before, I'll never feel happy here because I feel as though I got marooned here. Like I was dropped off in the middle of the desert to find myself. Well, that mission has been accomplished. I have learned more about myself and life in the last 2 1/2 years than I ever would have imagined. I've grown volumes. But I'm ready to take that step to establish myself somewhere that I want to be. Somewhere that is going to feel like home. Somewhere that Nevin and I are starting a life all our own that was never tainted by Jeff and I's torrid and mentally exhausting relationship. Somewhere that I won't have to run into his friends. Somewhere that I won't think about him when I go certain places. Somewhere the Nevin won't drive through and say "me and my daddy went there when he came to visit, remember?" We're making a clean break. It's just about the two of us now.

Who knows, someday, Jeff may get cleaned up and may hold a job again and may be a valuable member of society again....and when he does, I'm sure he'll try to reach Nevin. And then Nevin can decide for himself whether or not he wants Jeff to be a part of his life. But, until then, I think that we both know that it's best that Nevin's not around him. Nevin deserves so much better.

You know, it's so great to have something to look forward to again. But, just to warn all of you, I'm on a super tight budget now - you know, so that I can pay off all of my credit cards AND save up some cash before I move next summer. So, if you ask me to hang and I say no...well, don't take it personal - I've just got some big stuff to take care of to make my dreams come true. I still love you all, I swear it.

*muah*

Working out a plan

2005-10-14T08:36:00.000-07:00

Well, guys, Reno has been real but I think it's time for me to forge ahead. I can't move until next summer, but after talking with my family and with Tish, I realize that the Santa Cruz/Santa Clara area, the place where I was born, is going to be my final destination. I can have my ocean and my california climate...and I can also have my family and my friends nearby.

I guess we all start and end somewhere, right? Well, it looks like I'm going back to where I started come July...and it's the best feeling ever. Finally, something to plan and look forward to.

new day....same horrible feeling

2005-10-12T08:56:00.000-07:00

I just want to go home. And when I say home, I don't mean my apartment...I mean home. I want to sit on Zuma beach and sort out the thoughts swirling in my mind. I want to go to Venice and roller skate with Nevin until the sadness goes away. I want to sit on the balcony at Van Gogh's Ear (or whatever it is now) and stare at the ocean and eat Blueberry French toast with my boy and let the wind blow through my hair.

Truth is, I don't want to be in Reno anymore. I don't even want to go out anymore. I always run into Matt and Alisa...and they are the only two people on earth who I care enough about to want to resolve issues. But, let's be honest...it ain't gonna fuckin' happen. Not today. Not this way. Things are just different now. And, hell, while the old and familiar is always comfortable, I think my longing is for a comfort that I have never had here.

I swear, a part of me died when I moved to Nevada.

I mean, really, I'm kind of trapped here. I would love to go back to Southern California but I don't want to give Jeff that kind of access to Nevin. I don't want his strung out ass thinking that he can have my son visit for the weekend. I don't want him to think that he can go pick up Nevin from school. I don't want him to show up when we're hanging out at the beach or wandering around Disneyland. And, honestly, if we were down there, he would. And I'm not going to make nevin face the train wreck that is his father. Nevin doesn't need to watch Jeff kill himself....Jeff's doing just fine without an audience.

I really need a cigarette. Every time I give up smoking, I find a reason to start again. And I REALLY need a cigarette.

Fuck you, fuck you...and FUCK YOU AGAIN

2005-10-11T18:23:00.000-07:00

I don't know who decided to fuck with me today but I hope that someone tears your eyes out and pisses in the holes.

I swear, people think they are so goddamned funny. We are talking about me and my best friend here and someone's trying to stir up MORE shit. WHY? Why someone felt the need to try and fuck with my entire day is beyond me.

Go choke on something.

dumbfounded

2005-10-11T10:45:00.000-07:00

I got a comment on my last post that left me with a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't explain.

If it was really left by the person who it was supposedly left by, then I am beside myself and want to talk to him more than I could ever express.

But something tells me that it was left by someone else just to get to me and see how I'd react.

Well, whoever left it, I'm going to say something that I've been wanting to say.

Truth is, I adore that boy with my whole heart. I fell in love with him the day I met him and got over it because he wanted me to. I never thought of the idea of giving anything a second chance because I knew he would never want it. So, I grew to love him as my best friend and accepted that. And maybe I always, silently, had a huge crush on him - but that was just because I knew his heart. And no matter how many times I was given the chance to act on it, I didn't, because I wanted him to find his own happiness. He was blissfully happy with someone else, and I was totally behind it because I adore seeing him happy. I never, ever would have done something to get in the way of his happiness. And if I ever did - it wasn't to be spiteful or vindictive...it was completely accidental and I'm horribly sorry. So, he became my "what if..." boy. The one you always wonder what things would have been like if the timing had been better or circumstances had been different...but he was my best friend above all, and I respected that.

So, today, I get the comment on my blog that made my head spin. The comment proposed that he, or someone pretending to be him, was in love with me and never told me and that he was sorry.

Well, to that I say this:

If you said and you meant it, call me. Obviously, we should talk.

If it wasn't you, well, if you didn't know already - now you do.

..and if it takes shit to make bliss well I feel plenty blissfully

2005-10-08T12:14:00.000-07:00

I saw modest mouse last night. The show was free. a) I won tickets from the radio station and b) I didn't even check in, I just showed up looking good with my hot friend and they stamped our wrists and let us in. Fuck yes, good times, good times.

Anyway, the pit was wild. Lots of stage divers, crowd surfers and moshers but, as long as they don't mind getting a stilleto heel rammed into their leg, I'm cool with it. And I have to say "Thank you, Modest Mouse" for playing 3rd Planet cuz it's my favorite song by them, hands down.

Someone who I once considered a dear friend was there with his girlfriend. I hope they're happy now that she's back in town, but he and I really need to talk. People shouldn't get into arguments when they're drunk - bad things ALWAYS happen. Truthfully, I don't even know what it was but (and I believe he said that he didn't remember), after that, the pot got stirred, 3rd and 4th parties got involved, and everything got messy. Truth be known, I miss him more than I have ever missed any friend that I've had a falling out with. *sigh* Que sera, sera. I will just wait to see what fate has in store for the future.

Today - the Italian Festival. Yummy food, good company, and laughter. I love laughter. I do. It makes my world go round, lately. I laugh about everything these days. You make me happy, I laugh. You make me angry, I laugh. And now I've got a video camera to capture all of my delirium on. It's the best gift Ive ever received. Thank you, dad, for granting me a gift which which to make beautiful memories of smiles and love and laughter. You're the best.

I will update sooner rather than later.

Much love.

I know the truth about you.

2005-10-04T17:22:00.000-07:00

It kills me. Sometimes, you should be careful what you are looking for cuz you just might find it and you might end up more disappointed than you ever imagined.

Jeff has been formally asked to no longer be a part of Nevin's life due to his inability to be consistent. It is healthier for Nevin to be without him than ride the relationship roller coaster that he has kept all of us on for so long. Now I believe that the counseling will finally pay off and we can make progress that will stick because we're not stuck in the wake of his destruction anymore.

Thank God for our freedom...whatever it may be from. More often that not, it's from ourselves.

Why do we hold ourselves back on account of other peoples mistakes.

Move forward, goddammit. Keep moving forward.

Right now, I've got to be a mile ahead of you....you know who you are.