On (or close to) Schedule

2009-07-02T00:15:00.000-04:00

...blue sea

Location: 22:00, yest, scrubbing my cellar
Mood: thoughtful
Music: there's reason to believe Maybe this year will be better than the last

Just found out an ex had another kid. A boy. And Germany's on my mind again.

And other ghosts from my past keep making appearances.

Him: You're so naive, Logan.

Me: The difference between you and me, is that I think people're inherently bad, but can do great things. You think people're inherently good - but y'like knowing how dirty they can become.

Him: (laughing) Alla these Europeans and Americans so pissed off about their white Christian children dying in Iraq and Somalia for brown Muslim babies; they got no problem saving white Muslim babies in Bosnia or Serbia. But man, brown ones? They go nuts. That is, until they can't afford their plasma TVs.

Me: Enough...

Him: Why? Cause you know I'm right? The saying goes that, the things that piss you off the most (lowers voice) are the things you know, in your heart, are true.

There's another saying that goes, it's always a choice Between the Devil and the deep...

YASYCTAI: Have a relaxing fourth of July if you're on my side of the world. Y'should have even if you're not. (48 hours/0.5 pts)

2009-06-30T00:15:00.001-04:00

Fading

Location: my basement for the past six hours
Mood: wet
Music: she caused a scene then every head turned

328 Chauncey Street now - not my pic, not my (c)

If you've never clicked on my music link before, y'should do it today for something pretty cool per Caffeineguy.

----------

Still cleaning my cellar. Been weeks now. Feel like Sisyphus, cept I got a broom insteada a rock. Stupid broom...

Went to a wedding this past weekend. Someone spilled wine all over my suit. White wine, but still. Least the food was good.

Speaking of food, while at Columbia U., my fave joints were Ollie's and The Mill. Right now, Ollie's is a chaina Chinese restaurants while The Mill's a Korean restaurant. But fifteen years ago, Ollie's was an Italian joint with a sprinkling of Chinese food cause they had a Chinese chef. Similarly, the Mill was a Spanish joint with a Korean cook.

A boy could get some spaghetti and some Chinese dumplings at the former and tortillas and kimchi at the latter. Now they're full-on Chinese and Korean joints. Yeah, there're places like Marco Polo Cafe, with trendy Italian/Chinese fusion but I don't want fusion.

I want authentic Italian spaghetti and authentic Chinese dumplings, yeah? Not the same.

Point is, alla the stuff I know, I mean I know, keeps fading on me. Jackie Gleason was the first when I was 14.

Funny story: did y'know the Honeymooner's wife, Alice, spoke Chinese in real life? She and her sister were raised in China so it was their secret language. One spoke it to the other and the other understood.

In a way, that's why the fading bothers me. Cause no one remembers Ollie's when it was knife cool. Or what 328 Chauncy Street means. Or when MJ was still black and did the moonwalk for the first time on Motown 25.

Worry that I'm gonna run outta people to tell something to and have them understand.

Then I remember that I gotta finish sweeping the cellar and then I forget.

YASYCTAI: Alla the shows with the dumb husband and the smart wife started with the Honeymooners. Y'should watch it. (22 mins/0.5 pts)

2009-06-25T00:01:00.000-04:00

Purpose

Location: 14:00 yest, having sushi on Amsterdam
Mood: damp
Music: Hold Tight. Oh, she said, any way you want it.

Been dealing with this accountant who seems to know nothing about accounting. Reminds me of a conversation had with AAA a few years ago.

Me: I need someone to come tow my car.

Her: We can't do that right now.

Me: Miss, that's like my going into Burger King, asking for a burger and you saying, Oh we don't have burgers. It's your purpose.

Her: S'cuse me, what?

Me: Sweetie, it's your purpose. It's like a condom. It only has one purpose; should it fail in that purpose, it's raison d'etre's moot.

Her: (annoyed) I don't get it and I'm not your sweetie!

Me: Well, not with that attitude, you're not...

I'd call this accountant a *complete* idiot, but that'd give him too much credit.

----------

Met up with my friend Steele for lunch. He's getting married. Asked him if he was ok with being with one person for the resta his life.

Him: Well, in addition to finding her attractive, I get along with her and her family.

Me: Is that enough?

Him: (thinking) Think of the hottest girl in the world.

Me: OK, done.

Him: Somewhere out there, there some guy thinking, I'm totally tired of ____ing her.

Me: (laughing)

Him: Getting along well...that's a lot right there.

YASYCTAI: Been spending a lotta time figuring out my purpose here. Dunno what it is yet. Do you? (dunno/2 pts)

2009-06-23T00:25:00.002-04:00

Jail Debt

Location: 23:00 yest, hurtling down 9A
Mood: puzzled
Music: I'm a cowboy, I got the night on my side

Her: Oriental Avenue, $100. Do you want to buy it?

Me: Yes. I am Asian, after all.

Went to see the musical Rock of Ages this past weekend as an escape from the rain in NYC. Was packed. Was also one of only two Asians in the whole crowd and don't think I saw a single black or Hispanic in the lot. Dunno why.

Good show.

Next night, played Monopoly for the first time in over a decade. One would think that it would be impossible to end up in jail six times in a row and nine times overall. One would be mistaken.

You and your luck, she said.

Lost a lotta hands. But won the game.

Maybe my life'll be the same, yeah?

----------

Just walked in the door after helping a little old lady fix her computer somewhere north of the city. Cost me three hours of my life.

But she helped me out some a little while back. Hate being in anyone's debt and I never forget a favour. As a bonus, she gave me a bowl of ravioli and a Coors Light.

Dinner of champions.

YASYCTAI: Pay back a favour. (dunno/2 pts)

2009-06-19T00:03:00.000-04:00

Wannabe Sleepyhead

Location: 21:00, yest, eating poorly in Queens
Mood: guilty
Music: they crowd your bedroom like some thoughts wearing thin

Not been sleeping again and've been hitting gym. Tend to look my best when I feel my worst. 16 tabs of ibuprofen and a protein shake for lunch can't possibly be good.

Don't it sometimes feel like you're sleepwalking through life? The rain's the only thing that reminds me I'm awake.

----------

Went to see my dad tonight for father's day and got into a terrible argument.

We actually get along better than most fathers and sons, but still, there's a reason why children move away.

Dunno what you think of me; I'm probably shorter, geekier, and clumsier than you think I am. Or not, dunno.

Do have my moments of eloquence - just not with my father. Something about fathers turn logical, dispassionate men into yell-ey, argumentative sons.

But, if I had the composure to think of it - and the vocabulary in Chinese to say it - woulda told him this poem by Kahil Gibran:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

What I actually said was more like, Lemme live my life, ok?

Do have my moments of eloquence. But only with strangers reading me on digital ink. Just not with my father, whom I love more than most anything - even the rum - but don't wanna be.

YASYCTAI: Have y'ever written an email/letter to your dad? Not easy. Even if y'like writing, it's not easy. (hours/2 pts)

2009-06-16T00:02:00.003-04:00

Weirdos

Location: 14:00 yest, Cuban joint on Washington
Mood: awake
Music: (von Vagabondshoes) I cannot reach a pen for me to draw the line

Her: (annoyed) What kinda guy doesn't sleep with a girl when he can?

Me: (shrugging) No one ever says to a girl, Man, I can't believe you didn't sleep with that guy.

Her: It's different for us.

Me: Only cause you think it is. To answer your question, The kinda guy that thinks that he's got plentya chances.

Went out the other night with WM, Paul and a female friend. WM ended up being straddled by this attractive girl in the middle of the club, so the resta us bounced.

Midnight, we get a call from WM saying that he's coming over. We all ask him why he didn't bring the girlie home and get to know her in the biblical sense.

He said it was cause he liked her and wanted to see her again. Paul and I understood but our female friend didn't. Thought it a bit of role-reversal.

Sometimes, dunno if we're the weirdos or everyone else are.

----------

Was on the train the other day when a really drunk girl and a guy stumbled in. The train lurches so she grabs me for support.

The guy, obviously trying to close the deal with her, looks mildly annoyed. So, chat them up until my stop.

At the end of the stop, he asks if I wanna grab a drink with them but I say, Can't. I'm seeing my girl. Goodnight, Alex. Goodnight, Jessica.

Goodnight, Logan, they say.

I do so enjoy my random meetings.

YASYCTAI: Try a different slice of pizza. Been eating a lot of white pizza lately. (5 mins/0.5 pts)

2009-06-11T00:01:00.002-04:00

My three islands

Location: 14:00 yest, taking these pics
Mood: geeky
Music: Slow down, you move too fast

Quadros: Rampage, where do you see yourself in 2 years?,

Rampage: Well, right now I'm 23, so in two years, I see myself, 25.

Bryson met up with me to take some pics for him on the tram. Was cloudy and overcast but I took them anyway.

Was born on the island east of this bridge. Live on the island west of it. Yet, I've never taken the tram to the island between them until today.

Afterward, we had lunch at Johnny Rockets. Never been there either. Thought of my grandma; cause y'always think there'll be time enough to do things. Then one day, y'find you've done run outta time.

He's having a kid. His wife, a doctor, agreed to let him teach her how to roll. Should mention that's he onea the best architects in his field and parta the teams in chargea giving the tram a facelift.

Me: Look at us, we're two old, ivy-league educated, white-collar guys. I know why I do it, why do you do it?

Him: It's just like running or something. It's not about beating the other guy, it's about beating yourself. (Fighting in the ring's) different than brawling; to paraphrase Rampage Jackson, if you get into a fight with someone in a club, eventually, someone's gonna have their feelings hurt.

Those three lives I told y'about. We all got them. Realized 90 minutes ago, that I've spent 90% of my life on these two islands, doing two very different things, living two very different lives.

----------

Before his rematch against Chuck Liddell:

Interviewer: Chuck said in his pre-fight interview it's gonna be a first round knockout. What do you have to say about that?

Rampage: If he plans on getting knocked out in the first round that's his business.

YASYCTAI: Do that thing that y'always think you've got time for so y'don't. (dunno/1 pt)

2009-06-09T00:16:00.002-04:00

How'd you not know?

Location: my clean room
Mood: accomplished!
Music: Earth below us, drifting, falling, Floating weightless, calling, calling home

Me: Y'home? I'm by your pad.

Him: I'm sick, bedridden, and vomiting.

Me: What're you trying to say?

A story goes that a snake wants to cross a river. So he asks a frog to carry him across. The frog goes, Screw you. You're just gonna bite me. So the snake goes, Nah, we'll both drown if I do that. So the frog figures that makes sense.

Midway, the snake bites the frog, who goes, #@$! Why'd you do that? Now we're both gonna die.

As the snake goes under, he goes, It's in my nature. Y'knew what I was when you picked me up.

Thoughta that story this past weekend, when I told someone about the SA in Nazi Germany. Before the SS, the SA were the guys that brought Hitler to power. If the SS were the well-dressed executioners of the Nazi party, the SA were the fat, meathead brawlers.

After the Nazi party seized power, Hitler had them all killed, in the Night of the Long Knives, including onea his best friends, Ernst Roehm (who was also gay).

Thought of this again this morning on the train to have lunch with my dad and sis. Headline in the paper read, Taliban feel Pakistani Wrath. It's about how, after the Taliban blew up a Pakistani mosque, Pakistan realized these guys were a buncha sick scumbags.

To Ernst Roehm, the Pakistani government and that frog, I gotta say, Cm'on...it's in their nature - how're you surprised? You knew what they were when y'picked them up.

----------

Finally finished cleaning my new pad. Found a switchblade I got when I was a kid.

Always kinda surprised I made it to 36.

----------

Here's a pic of the Shuttle Atlantis against the sun.

Any douchebag can break stuff down. But this kinda stuff, this kinda stuff's the stuff of God.

(c) NASA

YASYCTAI: What's on your MP3 player? Logan needs new tunes. Yes, I'm referring to myself in third person. Logan says it's ok. (10 mins/0.5 pts)
www.loganlo.com
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2009-06-04T00:15:00.001-04:00

Something to me

Location: my new(ish) room
Mood: beat
Music: been looking so long at these pictures of you

Sorry I've not posted in a while, been hella busy. Moving from one part of my building to another. Thought it'd be easy but it's not cause one collects a great deal of - for lack of a better word - crap in 36 years. Everything has a story to it; some stories I wanna relive, some I'd rather forget.

Suppose that's hardly news to anyone.

See that pic above? Y'might have seen it before. Love that pic for reasons only I and another person might know. My pastor once said that you don't love a picture causea the paper it's printed on. Y'love a picture for what it represents.

And yeah, I try to donate or toss as mucha my stuff as I can. But I got some ratty things that I love, not cause they're worth something, but cause they're worth some thing to me. So when the guy moving in picks something up and says, Hey can you bring the garbage over so I can toss this? I reply, Oh, gimme that, I'll toss it.

And slip it into my back pocket to put it away later, safely behind all the other crap I love, not cause it's worth something, but cause it's worth some thing to me.

Last week, went to a genuine ball. Was a fundraiser event for Helen Keller International: $1,500 a plate, auctions going for $50,000. The full nine. Sat at a table of lawyers and next to a pretty blond. $1,500 dinners are wasted on people like me; always think, man, I coulda made that better. Probably not true but it's my head, I get to think what I wanna.

Had this cool British auctioneer that was going nuts; made me wanna bid for something. Couldn't though, one trip to Umbria cost like $50K.

Managed to get semi-floated in; felt I should contribute something and I did, in my own way.

On the way there and back, got caught in the rain. It's all just peaks and valleys, isn't it?

So, y'miss me?

YASYCTAI: If something happened and you hadta grab something, what'd it be? (20 mins/2 pts)

2009-05-27T09:36:00.003-04:00

Drums, Guilt and Shame

Location: 14:00 yest, paying the toll and driving home
Mood: pensive
Music: hear the drums echoing tonight But she hears only whispers

A guy named Arthur Koestler once said that, The most persistent sound which reverberates through men's history is the beating of war drums.

But during WWII, he was onea the people few that kept insisting that Nazis had killed 3 million of his fellows. Took another 2.9 million to die before someone someone stopped them.

I'm against war; only a madman is for it. But someone's gotta do something about evil men.

Maybe Memorial Day isn't so much about the kids that marched to the drums so much as it's about their families who can't help but hear them pounding.

Bryson and his wife swung by the other day and brought me out to dinner. She's pregnant and he's trying to get his fourth world title in Brazil as a grappler. He's black, which is important to understand the convo below:

Me: Hey - imagine if he came out Chinese.

Him: I'd kill you. (she laughs)

Me: Please...I'd be long gone and by then you'd be blessed with a handsome son that talked a lot with his hands.

----------

Spent most of the holiday days with Heartgirl walking. To the grocery store, to the pier, to the park. And at night we talked. Like we always do. Told her a bit about myself.

Not to give you back-to-back vocabulary lessons, but do y'know the difference between guilt and shame?

When I was a kid, was fat, ugly, and dorky. Then I wasn't and I became shallow, mean and vain. Then in my 30s, I was humbled.

Shame's hating what you are. Guilt's hating what you've done.

Told Heartgirl that I spent my younger years dealing with the former and the recent years dealing with the latter. Don't anymore. Not as much, anywho.

On my arm's a vaccination scar. Remember getting it. Hurt like hell and I cried like a baby (in my defense, I was a baby). Purpose of a vaccination, natch, is to trade a small pain in your youth for a better lifetime. But when you're a kid, you don't know that.

Think that that's where we're all at. The pain's what we gotta go through to become the person we're meant to be. But we don't see it until the pain's long gone. It's the forest for the trees.

Told her that sometimes, life has to break you to make you better.

She nodded, kissed me on my cheek, and told me I should go to sleep.

----------

I'm moving. Not far.

YASYCTAI: Spend just a sec thinking about those drums. (sec/2 pts)
www.loganlo.com

2009-05-22T00:32:00.002-04:00

Irony:Sarcasm :: Witty:Douchey

Location: 40 mins ago, my old office, shredding
Mood: hungry
Music: along sheeps meadow Never know what we will see. Come take a walk with me

Her:...the usual: burgers, hot dogs. Oh and there'll be softball...

Me: Nope.

Her:...volleyball...

Me: Nope.

Her:...basketball...

Me: Nope. (pause) But if there's a competition to compute pi to the 27th digit, I'm all in. You can be on my team.

Her: (later) Maybe you shouldn't come.

Me: (nodding)

Heartgirl and I went for a stroll in the lovely weather through Sheep Meadow. Realized that she's younger than a little girl that I used to tutor in English; taught that girl the word, kiosk and how to do analogies for the SATs.

Suddenly, I feel very old. And slightly pervy.

Speaking of the SATs, there's a difference between ironic and sarcastic. Irony is sarcasm without the meanness.

Lemme ask you something; since when was sarcasm perceived to equal to intelligence?

Meet so many douches these days that are 24/7 sarcastic that're actually quite stupid. But they're so very proud of their stubbornness, so smug in their assurance that they're right, that they can't see that they might be wrong. And they often are.

Look, I'm all for some sarcasm, but it's called the the lowest form of wit for a reason. Irony's clever. Sarcasm's just hoping that if you sound pissed off or certain enough, no one's gonna call you out that you don't, actually, know a damn thing.

Unfortunately, now people got Twitter, blogs, status updates, and texts to show off how little they actually know about anything in angry little sarcastic rants.

Endless waves of twitter, blogs and status updates mucked with vitriol and sarcasm doesn't make a stupid person sound intelligent; I'm afraid. Cause a tech-savvy bore is still a bore.

Apologies. Had a long day...

Lelaina: Can you define irony?

Troy: Its when the actual meaning is the complete opposite from the literal meaning.

Lelaina: My God, where were you when I needed you today?

YASYCTAI: Unsubscribe from all the things you subscribe to that you don't actually like but keep cause you're lazy (including me, if y'gotta...) (20 mins/1 pt)

2009-05-19T00:31:00.002-04:00

Heartgirl's surprise elements

Location: 20:00 yest, ordering the Roti on 72nd
Mood: busy ~sick
Music: count to five Let's craft the only thing we know into surprise

Spent the last two months planning a surprise birthday for Heartgirl.

Everyone should have a nice surprise from time-to-time. Mine are always of the, "Think you should sit down," ilk.

Started off with a buncha her friends at a tapas joint Saturday. Four pitchers of sangria and 24+ plates of food later, waddled off to M1-5, where we threw the opening party for 72nd to Canal. Heartgirl was totally surprised.

Her best friend brought a huge cake (and I forgot Clara, my newest camera). We barely made a dent in it. Interestingly, her best friend's also Irish and her husband's also Asian. He and I spent the tail end of the night picking at the cake. Mainly cause we just don't let things go to waste like that.

Rain, Paul, Tess, WM, Gio and Hazel all made an appearance too, if only just to drink with me. We had a whole section to ourselves. It was 2AM when we left and 4AM when we called it a night.

Cabdriver: (pointing to her) She drunk?

Me: Yes, but she's not going to boot in your car.

Her: I'm Irish. We don't do that.

Sunday, Heartgirl and I took the whip out in a misguided attempt to go shopping in the burbs. The reason why it was misguided is best illustrated with Boolean logic:

Elements ()

Gut-wrenching nausea (Gwn)
Hangover (H)
Heatgirl (Hg)
Logan (L)
Rum (R)
Wine (W)
Sundry alcoholic products (S)

Where

+ = "and"
~ = "not" or "no"
- = "but not"
= = "results in"

Ergo

L+R=~H
Hg+W+S-R=H+Gwn

In short, my trip to the burbs was ill-conceived at best.

However, Heartgirl did note that she enjoyed her birthday greatly. She said she was glad she spent it with me, then fell asleep on my couch as I went off to church.

----------

In other news, the buddy that swung by last time when that woman was screaming Chinatown came by again and brought me out for Malaysian food on his per diem. Man, I miss having a diem.

And I'm becoming a chunky monkey. Gotta start working out again. Stupid cold...

YASYCTAI: Try some new cuisine. Like Spanish tapas. (60 mins/1 pt)

2009-05-14T00:20:00.002-04:00

Hardboiled

Location: 14:00 yest, 86th and Columbus
Mood: oddly hungry
Music: minutes, it's been days, it's been all I will remember

Me: Can we tell people that I'm good at math? They'd believe that cause I'm Asian.

Her: What are my people known for?

Me: Um, colonizing minorities, spheres of influence, plying my people with opium, the usual.

Her: Not my people. We were too busy dying of potato famine.

Killed a fly today by kicking it as it landed on the wall. Felt very proud. I'm sure it means little to you, but I'm 36. Being fast enough to kill a fly on the wall with your feet is a big thing to me.

Really gotta get out more.

Speaking of getting out, and to continue from the previous post, last night, took Heartgirl to Kuma Inn where we downed some excellent Filipino food - if you're gonna go, you need reservations, then you got 90 minutes to eat. If you're going on a date, bring your own bottle of wine (no rum allowed, I'm afraid) and ask for the corner table.

She and I played hooky today and we sat in the sun for some Mexican food. Later that night, saw Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist.

The real Nick and Nora were based on a old book/movie called The Thin Man. If you like how I write, consider reading some hardboiled crime drama. It's what I actually write when I'm not writing this blog.

Dunno if I ever told you that.

Been working on a novel for eight years. Really should tie that up. You'd buy a copy, yeah?

YASYCTAI: Go for a walk if it's sunny. There're never enough sunny days. (30 mins/1 pt)
www.loganlo.com

2009-05-12T00:14:00.003-04:00

...then back to cleaning the cellar

Location: 17:00, meeting my attorney
Mood: still #$!$#! sick
Music: breathe some life into me

Her: We have leftovers. Do you want some?

Me: Yeah. I sorta do.

Someone asked what to do in the city when you're visiting. Won't give you advice. But I'll just be more descriptive this week about my haunts, ok?

Spent the weekend trying to clean out my cellar and not be sick. Fail on both counts.

Lived in my same apartment for over a decade. Put it this way, 10+ of the women I dated last year were 11 years old when I moved in.

Found long forgotten things: postcards, letters, tapes, cds, class notes. Goes on. Another entry, I suppose.

Managed to cut out one night to meet up with my brother, WM and Paul at a bar downtown where I ran into Sckim. Stumbled over to Heartgirl's later on that night. Then back to cleaning the cellar.

Next nights, saw them all again for dinner at John's Pizza. Best pizza in the city that you can get a in former cathedral off Times Square. Best. Then back to cleaning the cellar.

Next night, duck out to stop by Paul's. Although I had a full dinner, they had Thai leftovers that smelled great, so I inhaled those too. Afterward, went to Solas, my regular hangout. Then back to cleaning the cellar.

Didn't have time to see my mom for mother's day but did see my brother before he left. We walked past a street fair with Paul to St. Marks for some 2 Brothers Pizza, which is the best tasty pizza in the city for $1 a slice. Because it's so cheap, the stuff is amazingly fresh. Five minutes after a pie is out, it's sliced up and consumed.

We also went to Mamouns for a falafel. Then we went to BBQ Chicken for some chicken and fries. Then we went back to 2 Brother's Pizza for more pizza. All within 30 minutes.

75% of the meals my bro eats when he visits is pizza cause the pizza in Cali's not the same.

He's probably landing in LA right about now. Me? Just spilled some rum all over my desk. Suppose I should clean that up.

Then back to cleaning the cellar.

YASYCTAI: Clean out the storage area. Who knows what you'll find? (days/2 pts)

2009-05-07T00:01:00.001-04:00

Lies and Ties

Location: 14:00 yest, being told to rinse and spit in Queens (again)
Mood: still sick
Music: The sun in your eyes made some of the lies worth believing

My brother's in town and he's helping fix somea the computers here.

Him: Apparently somebody's been plagiarizing mom's articles and reprinting them online.

Me: How can you tell?

Him: (laughing) She told me...and she's a got a folder that's named, Someone copy my article.

----------

Heartgirl told me recently that she doesn't know what to tell people when they ask what I do for a living. S'funny, alla the women I dated've said the same thing. Mosta my friends don't know.

It's...complicated, how I make my money.

I've a particularly odd skillset but the funny thing's that I'm very good at a several, seemingly unrelated things. But if I had to sum it up to in one unifying idea, it's that I collect and process data.

Writing, in fact, is an example of my processing data; I take various disparate concepts, weave them to one (hopefully) coherent argument and distill that to a printed page.

On that note, I've gotta pick one of these skillsets sooner than later.

Him: Y'said you're in for the next gig.

Me: I'm thinking of being an officer of the court again.

Him: (laughing) They're no different than us cept they wear ties.

YASYCTAI: Organize your computer files. (10 hrs/2 pts)

2009-05-05T00:14:00.001-04:00

God help us - Ole!

Location: my pad, all day
Mood: sore-throat-y
Music:
is this the ceremony? I don't know, well I don't mind

I'm sick. Not pig flu. Don't think. Just tired with a horrible sore throat. Send soup.

So I've been reading and watching stuff. The above vid's prob the best thing I've seen in a while. I said once before, that being grateful is the key to not being broken. Sorta what she's talking about.

One other interesting thing was from Heartgirl. She sent me this from the tiny government that manages to cling to political survival in Somalia - it's their response to the swine flu.

SOMALIA: No capacity to deal with such pandemics due to the prolonged civil war and destruction of medical facilities. "We are not prepared for anything like the swine flu; we don't have the means to deal with it," Awad Abdi, adviser to the Somali Health Ministry said. God help us if it reaches here....

How sad and comical is that, all at once?

YASYCTAI: Watch the vid, you'll thank me. (19.29 mins/1 pt)
www.loganlo.com

2009-04-30T00:13:00.002-04:00

Tres Vidas

Location: 14:00 yest, being told to rinse and spit in Queens
Mood: satisfied
Music: hard to believe we need a place called hell

With nods to Kastinkerbell.

Dated several people who's favourite book's 100 Years of Solitude. Tried four times to read it but couldn't. Not my cuppa tea. But the author once said something that I think of often: Uno tiene tres vidas: la vida pública, la vida privada y la vida secreta.

That's the first thing I thought of when I heard about three lives this past April: Philip Markoff, Susan Boyle, and Russell Dunham. Philip's this fairly attractive guy with an immense hidden evil. Susan's this fairly unattractive woman with an immense hidden talent. Russell was a fairly average looking guy with an immense hidden strength.

I lived with a scumbag that murdered his girlfriend. People asked me afterward if we knew that he was capable of such a thing. Always thought that was a stupid question - as if he liked to manically stab at his food when ate.

No, people're really good at hiding their pretty and their dirty. Alla those little bits of this 'n that, aggregated over time like piles of crumbs, cemented together by secrets.

It's only when situations shift that our real selves cut through the chatter - whether that be by choice like Susan and Philip, or by chance like Russell. Our real selves're always there, just waiting.

After the London bombings, some dude quipped something like, "Always wondered how I'd act in a crisis. Turns out I'm rubbish in a crisis."

It's totally true. Everyone has three lives: a public life, a private life, and a secret life.

Me? I'd like to think that my angels'd beat my demons. Ah, but who doesn't? Nobody wakes up hoping they're a friend of the Devil.

An ex once said to me, If only your insides matched your outsides.

Do her one better: If only our outsides matched our insides.

Him: So, whatcha gonna do?

Me: (thinking) Dunno yet...

YASYCTAI: Read about Russell. (20 mins/1 pt)

2009-04-28T00:03:00.002-04:00

Thank you, it's alright

Location: 9:00 yest, 14th and 6th
Mood: sleepless
Music: i have seen insane things all those grand historic paintings

Was picking up some legal papers from a potential new client the other day. The weather was perfect so I took the long walk home in the daytime. Walking past Grand Central, Dar Williams just happened to be singing It's Alright so I stopped to listen.

Ducked into a clothing store nearby to look things I can't afford. Dido's Thank You was playing. Didn't realize I was singing along until the girl standing next to me harmonized a lyric and we turned and laughed at each other.

Me: (sheepishly) Thanks for the song.

Her: (laughing) Thank you.

----------

Went to Paul's housewarming that night. The boy lives in a 2,500 square foot apartment. Yeah, with three roomies, but still. He has a laundry room in his apartment. In Manhattan. Heartgirl and Rain swung by so we caught up.

Heartgirl: (looking at apartment, turns to me) I don't know how to tell you this but I'm strangely attracted to Paul right now.

Rain: (also looking at apartment) Y'kidding me? I'm attracted to Paul right now.

Saw Heartgirl for some Latin food on a sunny street in Jersey.

Me: Y'know why they don't put lids on crab baskets? Cause they don't need to. When one tries to crawl out, the rest pull him back in.

Told Heartgirl that I was trying to be better than I was. She said she believed me.

YASYCTAI: Summer's here. Time to make some more changes. (time/2 pts)

2009-04-23T00:18:00.001-04:00

So here's what I remember

Location: 20:00 yest., eating another piece of sushi in Queens
Mood: burp
Music: I'm tearing at the seams. You on the other hand

Don't wanna go out for my birthday but Paul insists. He, Hazel and WM take me out for some killer Indian food. Afterward, Paul and Hazel pick up a bottle of rum and we kill it on a balcony overlooking Broadway in the Village. Paul even picked up a cake.

Me: Have I thanked you enough for this?

Paul: Yeah...no prob, as long as you had a good one for a change. Everyone needs a good birthday.

Me: Well, my birthdays are usually pretty good - it's just that the other 364 days leave much to be desired.

Stupid friends won't even let a guy be depressed on his birthday.

Saturday, dash off to Brooklyn for something and rush home to make a wedding for a buddy I've not seen in years. The most beautiful woman in the room spies me walking in and takes my hand.

Her: (beaming) You came! I keep talking about you. (takes me by the hand and pulls me in front of a table of strangers) Everyone - this is my son.

Everyone (in unison): Hello!

Me: (laughing) Hi.

My world's a small place. Alla my guy friends are comparing their ueber expensive automatic watches. Sold mine to pay for for law school stuff. Miss my Seamaster the most.

But don't have time to be sad. Dash off to see my buddy El for her housewarming. Rain and the gang're there including Tess (who's in Kings, should it not get canceled) and Eve. We all go up to the roof, which is dark. But not in a cool way, more in a pitch black kinda way.

Eve: This is sorta nice.

Me: Yeah, if you're a rapist.

Rape-y becomes the word of the night .

While there, get a call from a girl Shin I've not seen in 15 years telling me she's in town. She's a professor now. Crazy. So we meet up and soon, about eight of us are in a karaoke bar downtown where people are butchering Phil Collins.

My brother's best friend is there with her 18 year old sister who delights in the fact that I'm, quite literally, twice her age now. She puts a note in front of me that makes me laugh. But it's almost 3AM and Shin's boyfriend turns out to be a drunk douche so I bounce before I can deck him.

Yesterday, I see Heartgirl. We go out and she has a glass of wine and listens to my stories. I like her more than anything. Even rum.

Today, have dinner with the family at an all-you-can eat buffet.

Sister: Why are you sitting like that?

Me: So I can get a better view of the sushi chef. You have to plan these things.

Thanks for the birthday wishes, they meant a lot to me. Really. Every writer likes knowing that someone, somewhere's reading them.

YASYCTAI: Have you called your mother? (10 mins/2 pts)

2009-04-17T00:12:00.004-04:00

Logan's 36/Say Anything

Location: noon, yest, midtown
Mood: stressed
Music: don't know if our fate's already sealed

Two observations: (1) Got no fewer than four friends with relationships on the rocks; (2) I always get hit on more in the spring.

Think they're related: it's spring cleaning. People wanna be out and about maybe, capitalize on the weather, see what else's out there.

As for Heartgirl and me, well, last weekend was just perfect. And we both know that perfect and I don't work well together; she's still tired of hearing me talk. But I'd like to see how our story goes.

There was a time when bad things happened to you, you put on a black mourning jacket as a quiet testament to your sorrow. Nowadays, it's a lotta status updates, vitriol and poor grammar.

That's why I try to sort things out before I write about them. Waited almost a month before I told you about the theft. And three months after my initial breakup to tell you about it. Need time to make sure something's actually something and not a whole lotta nuthin. Wonder if I can still tell the diff.

Everyone's got a place where they go to sort things out. King Midas had his reeds. Lloyd Dobler had his friends.

Me? I keep thinking that I'd like to go elsewhere, and still not necessarily somewhere and tell them my story. Cause who'd believe it? But since I can't, suppose I got this here blog. Write it for me more than anyone.

But it's my birthday and I get to make a request, yeah? I don't ask for much, don't think: world peace, some soup from time-to-time, the occasional call...

My request is this: who's still reading? Yeah, I've got my stalwart group of people that comment and drop by with regularity (thanks guys) but I'm curious if it's just them.

In my head, I imagine there're people that never comment yet read me regardless.

So, just like last year and the time before: wish me a happy birthday and say something, alla you bastards that read me but never say anything.

YASYCTAI: Comment. (5 mins/0.5 pts)
www.loganlo.com

2009-04-16T00:12:00.001-04:00

Eject, eject, eject

Location: 14:00, yest. spitting in Queens
Mood: pained
Music: and who needs love when there’s southern comfort?

Her: So the first and second molds didn't come through. (pause) So we have to do it again. You're very brave to do it without anesthesia.

Me: (sighing in dentist's chair) Nvave, oke. Evexpensivecmup.

Her: (removing tube) What?

Me: Not brave, broke. I've expenses coming up. Do it. Don't mind me if I cry a bit.

Y'know how I always say that your friends're mirrors to yourself? They're also the thermostats to your mental health.

They're the ones that pull you back and go, "Dude, what are you doing?" It's why nutcases like Ted Kaczynski live by themselves in the woods.

The running joke between my friends and me's that I beergoggle. They always whisper into my ear, "Eject, eject, eject." And I always go, "Really?" shrug and bolt. Figure that I'm about 27.3% rum most weekends (by volume, not weight) so I should listen to them.

With mobile phone photography technology being what it is, they're right more often than not.

Not all my friends eject when we tell them to, though, which is another running joke.

Another thing I believe's that if three of your friends tell you something, unsolicited, it's probably true. Like if three friends tell you that you're acting like a jerk, chances are high, you're acting like a jerk.

A buddy of mine's all bent outta shape about a girlie that we all roundly believe isn't worth his time. And yet he keeps trying. He insists that this is different, that she's different. But we both know she's not. It's not.

He just needs time to sober up to see it. No worries. I'll be sure to mock him once he comes up for air. It's what friends do.

----------

Don't wish me a Happy Birthday just yet. One more post tomorrow.

YASYCTAI: Get dental. Dental is totally worth it (60 mins/1 pts)
www.loganlo.com

2009-04-14T00:09:00.001-04:00

Easter 2009

Location: four hours ago, my couch eating cold cereal
Mood: potentially sick
Music: I like me so much better when you're naked

My birthday's this weekend but I've got more weddings to go to. Wedding season has begun again. So Heartgirl gave me my gift early.

LOGAN'S BIRTHDAY WEEKEND SCHEDULE OF EVENTS - APRIL 11-12 2009

Saturday, April 11, 2009

10:00 - Casa Heartgirl
Breakfast by Heartgirl. I make the pancakes.
She gives me presents: a good chef's knife and a bowl - cause it's about time, I guess.

13:00 - Intercontinental-Barclay Hotel
Check in and have people call me, sir and Mr. Heartgirl.
Walking distance to the joint that Leona Helmsley sued me over.
Long story, I'll tell you about it someday (maybe).

14:00 - International Centre of Photography
Get rained out so we just relax at the hotel.

18:00 - Smith & Wollensky's
Order the fillet migion with Roquefort, she has the trout.
Dessert is a coconut cake with vanilla ice cream.
Note to self: Work out.

21:00 - Photography around Midtown East

Sunday, April 12, 2009

11:00 - Breakfast at the Intercontinental-Barclay Hotel
$65 for ok eggs benedict and coffee. Breakfast at Casa Heartgirl was better.

12:00 - Easter along 5th Avenue
Evidently, during Easter, people put on all sortsa funny hats and parade about on 5th Avenue.
35 years and I did not know this.

13:00 - Crash other Expensive Hotels
Heartgirl poses in front of a chocolate sculpture when a douche reaches over.
just rips a piece of it right off and stuffs it into his pocket.

14:00 - West Branch
Order the cuban sandwich with fresh chips, she has salmon and a salad.
Note to self: Really you fat bastard, work out.
You're gonna be 36 soon.

17:00 - Church
Ask for more days like these, if at all possible.
Heartgirl catches me planning out a recipe during the sermon.

Today, spent the day running around looking for coin to pay my dentist and accountant, waiting in line at the bank, and trying to straighten out some mobile issues.

Days like the past weekend help me get through the rest of them.

YASYCTAI: Plan a nice getaway, even if it's only in your head. Hopeful is good. (60 mins/1 pt)
www.loganlo.com

2009-04-10T00:01:00.001-04:00

God the Car Salesman

Location: a green couch she hates
Mood: optimistic
Music: Hey, he said, grab your things, I've come to take you home.

Her: How can you believe in a religion where some people are saved and others aren't?

Me: I don't make the rules, I just try to follow them.

Her: What about girls that are raped and killed for just being? And children murdered for being children, where's your god then?

It's hard being a Christian in the big city. People look at you like you're nuts. They expect me to be or act a certain way. A weird form of reverse prejudice.

I doubt my religion alla the time. But I doubt it hoping, really hard, that it might be true. S'ok to doubt, I think. Everyone does it. Abraham, Mary, Thomas.

A girlie I dated once called religion: a nice fairy tale. But fairy tales, and most religions, tell you that if you're a good guy, you'll do fine. Like god is some sorta used car salesman you gotta bargain with just right to get the best deal.

Unless I'm reading it totally wrong, what I believe seems to say that if you're a good guy, you still get screwed. In fact, the gooder you are, the harder you get screwed. Consider:

John the Babtist did everything right and got beheaded.
Job did everything right and lost everything, everyone.
Peter, the head of the first church, was crucified upside down.
Mary, essentially a 16 year old kid, is a virgin and gets knocked-up only to live to see her son get killed as a criminal (I sorta feel she got screwed the most).
Joseph finds out that his first born son isn't his either.
Jesus did everything right and gets nailed to two planks of wood.

So what's the point of even trying then? I dunno. I also don't know the answer the questions above. I'm not a theologian. Not anything, really.

But maybe we should go do good, not cause there's a reward for our work in the end, but a debt we owe for our chances in the beginning. We owe it to the aether.

Her: I don't think I need god. I'm a moral person.

Me: But we're still just people and people fail all the time. I wanna believe in something bigger than my own imagination. Something bigger than my own strength of will.

What the human heart, if afforded one wish, truly wants is a do-over. A chance to get those chances again.

Spring, Easter, it's all about rebirth. S'why we got all the pansy coloured egges. All about the do-over. My year always starts in Fall, yeah. But something about Spring, makes me hopeful.

Happy Easter for those of you that read the same book as me. For those that don't, hope the sun is sunny where you are, you've got someone hot to make out with, and there's something grand on cable for you to watch.

Actually, if you read the same book as me, I wish you the last three also.

YASYCTAI: List the good things you've got. (60 mins/2 pts)

2009-04-07T00:42:00.001-04:00

Once I get better

Location: 1hr ago, in front of a mailbox on Broadway
Mood: indescribable
Music: a hustle here and a hustle there

Him: Come out with me - open bar, girls too young for us. The usual. You in?

Me: I'm in.

Think Heartgirl's tired of hearing me talk about my life so I've been trying to talk to her less. Guess I don't blame her, got a lot on my mind. So, RE Mike invited me out to the premier of Peter & Vandy where we chatted up some folk and a tall drink of water bought me a tall drink of rum.

But I swung by Paul's new pad first where he was unpacking.

Him: Look what I found (pulls out a stack of papers) it's all the numbers I got last year.

Me: Ah, I tossed mine a long time ago.

Him: (shakes head) Dude - you never do that. Not until you're married. Even then...

Me: Nah, if you gotta, y'just get more.

Him: Suppose. Just wanna meet someone that thinks I'm awesome, y'know? I'm weary soldier.

Me: Aren't we all?

The next day, met up with Heartgirl for onea my oldest buddy's wedding in Brooklyn. Heartgirl and I then got lit together and stumbled across the Brooklyn Bridge to Manhattan. Told her I lived here my whole life and never walked across it before. It's true.

Her shoes kept getting stuck in the walkway and we couldn't help but laugh.

Life's been stressful lately. Can't keep taking the disappointments.

But the flip side's the unexpected kindness, the grace I'm always talking about. Like old friends that make an appearance.

My friend Steel, his real name, stopped by and dropped off a rack of prime rib and some fillet mignion cause he heard I wasn't doing so hot. And Bryson called me up to tell me he's gonna be a pop.

And the last little bit I got tonight. Closing an office isn't just shutting the doors and kicking everyone to the curb. There's a lotta shredding involved. A lot of it. Was up at 4AM and it was 10PM in front of my shredder when my wrestling coach calls me.

Him: You're doing well. I think maybe you can hold your own once you get better.

It made the hour commute home not so sucktastic. Cause, in some way, that's what everyone's been saying, that maybe I can hold my own once I get better.

Her (not Heartgirl): Are there lights on the Brooklyn Bridge at night?

Me: No, but if you get wet, you've gone the wrong way.

YASYCTAI: Take a walk on a bridge at night. If you get wet, you've gone the wrong way. (10 mins/1 pt)

2009-04-02T00:33:00.000-04:00

Mrs. Reynolds, Johnny Handsome, and Psalm 33:10

Location: 4 hours ago, getting caught in the rain
Mood: depressed
Music: Now up and at em it's on, I was raised to be strong

Me: Hello, you don't remember me, but I was in your French class in seventh grade. My name's Logan...

Ran into her last year grabbing a bite to eat near the rents. She was in a shop trying to get an old pair of glasses fixed. Pulled out this beat up purse and dug through for $20 to pay the guy.

She was laid off years ago. No one wanted to learn French anymore. The only reason I did was causea pretty girlie named Yvey in her class. But I digress.

She didn't have $20 and they didn't take Amex, which is all I had. So she put her glasses, held together with tape, back on her face.

----------

Me: I did terribly in French. You told me after the year was over that I was just one of those people that would never be good at languages.

Her: Did I? I'm sorry, that was mean.

Me: (laughing) Don't be. Because of what you said, I taught myself three languages. One I still sorta remember. (gently) Y'made me try to be better than I was. You were a good teacher. And you were nice to me - not many people were back then.

Her: (quietly) Thank you. I wish they'd let me teach again.

----------

Had an awful day today and thought of the above cause here's what I was thinking that day: I used to have coin. And now I didn't even have a lousy 20 bucks to help out this little old lady.

My birthday's coming up. Never woulda imagined I'd be where I am at 35. Want so bad to be better than I was. Maybe it's not in the cards.

Me: It's me. That gig still open?

Him: Logan? Nah, man. But someone always needs a favour, yeah? So...y'back?

Me: Yeah.

Don't worry. Not gonna whine. Just lemme say that it sucks when you realize that the saying's totally true: Men plan; God laughs.

And the Devil? He's always waits.

YASYCTAI: Watch Johnny Handsome. Cause sometimes, they'll never let you any better than you are. (90 mins/1 pt)