De Ludo Globi

sevilla midfielder, 22, passes away

2007-08-28T10:32:00.000-07:00

cue the vomit in the mouth

2007-08-27T23:27:00.000-07:00

Moggi FC is at the top of the table, and David 'Too Good For Serie B and 5 Million Euro A Year' Trezeguet is topscorer.

Sometimes you have to hate Serie A with every ounce of strength you possess.

pause for laughter

2007-08-20T20:29:00.001-07:00

Q: What's the difference between a triangle and Manchester United?
A: A triangle has three points.

[Hat-tip: Anissa.]

this just in, keano an ass

2007-08-15T08:02:00.000-07:00

Alright then, Roy Keane, the ladies of DLG will keep this particular pronouncement of yours in mind the minute you decide to leave the club you currently manage because you get a call from a club in a city where the shopping's better. Not that you would ever do that, because we scheming, materialist hags have no power over your truly righteous manliness, do we? As penitence, though, let us offer you a solution to all the ills assailing your browbeaten innocent ship of football fools who are apparently incapable of thinking for themselves: breed them in pods and bring them up in seclusion, away from the faulty moral compasses of the female persuasion.

You're a prick, and we're decking you one for your sexism. Don't mind us.

ft: arsenal 2-1 fulham

2007-08-12T06:55:00.000-07:00

So let's take stock of the rather woeful situation. Arsenal still can't finish, still struggle on the wings, still are guilty of allowing themselves to go a goal down far too easily. To add insult to injury they seem to have forgotten how to pass amongst themselves. Robin van Persie is still a diving little schmuck, Jens is still mad, and Flamini, somehow, ends up in central midfield.

But they still pwn.

Don't say we didn't warn you when they walk away with the Treble this year.

guest blogger: g. savonarola

2007-08-10T00:13:00.000-07:00

Do you realise how disgustingly large the amounts of money football clubs in Europe have spent this season on human trafficking has been? Have not the individual efforts of Barcelona, Man United, Chelsea, Liverpool and Inter been so audaciously, suffocatingly, global-hunger-inducingly wasteful that you sink back in horror, completely certain that you will not be able to bear to directly look at the larger picture, in which the combined efforts of these monstrous regiments is supplemented by the lesser but by no means absent wickednesses of Madrid and Milan, who by dint of an unholy mix of guile and incompetence have incandesced the conflagrations around the slave trade of the noble if unlettered and savage spirit embodied by the modern footballer?

Fuck that shit, I say!

Stop averting your innocent eyes! Stop mumbling about boycotts! It will all burn in the eyes of the righteous! In the name of the now-despoiled young Alexandre Pato, SAVE THE SOUL OF FOOTBALL! Hope that they are all kicked out in the group stages of the Champions' League! I look forward to it, yes, look forward with thirsting spirit to the time when in the space of a single fortnight, United, Chelsea, Liverpool, Madrid, Barcelona, Milan and Inter are all ejected ignominously from the Big Cup's preliminary rounds! [And Lyon, who can go to join their fallen sisters in sin, Bayern Munich, in the UEFA Cup.] SKY Sports has to fire all its commentators because they know nothing about the truly worthy remaining competitors! Let the final be a beauteous pyrotechnic display of open, flowing football between Roma and Sevilla, so divinely inspired by the ~~Hand of God~~ celestial music of the spheres that their own supporters, among Europe's least civilised, sit quiet as savage beasts soothed by the pipes in a freezing stadium in Moscow one year from now! May there be a ten-goal thriller that ties the match at 5-5!

And somewhere, somehow, may Arsenal still end up winning the Cup!

Take that, you unrighteous sons of. MAMMON.

[And while we're at it, please let's relegate ~~Juventus~~ Ju-Know-Who again. I'm already tired of them.]

Project Objectify: The Coaches

2007-06-02T11:36:00.000-07:00

The wanton (but oh so necessary) objectification of persons connected with sport has been going on for a while now, here, here and occasionally here. Till now, however, the focus has been on the players. This time, we felt the coaches (specifically the football coaches) deserved a chance.

So here they are.

+ José Mourinho (Chelsea FC)

If you don’t think so, you’re not a real football fan.

+ Didier Deschamps (ex-Juventus)

Also known as Le Stone Fox. Obviously the 2004 Champions’ League final had the hottest coach-off in remembered history. Keep in mind that this was a game in which no less an objectifiable personage than Fernando Morientes was on the pitch (and actually playing football, for a change).

+ Marcello Lippi (in between jobs)

He’s old and rich, and possesses a yacht and a son (or maybe two) who runs a rotten empire of corruption in Serie A. He symbolizes everything that is disgusting about patriarchal Southern Europe. He has won everything with everyone, though, which means he doesn’t give a flying frick about what you think of him. Once, Marcello Lippi was called the Paul Newman of football. At sixty-five, Lippi is hotter than Paul Newman ever was, is, or will be. Put that in your illegally acquired yacht and sail it all around the Amalfi coast, haters.

+ Arsène Wenger (Arsenal FC)

Because the women of DLG have an inexplicable fetish for the accountant look.

[Although, when contacted, Wenger responded with a dignified, “I do not know zis. I did not see zis accountant you speak of. But I think maybe it is a penalty for us.”]

+ Gareth Southgate (Middlesborough FC)

He is young. He is strong. His nose is pretty!

…that’s about it, really. Gareth Southgate is very quintessentially English, and therefore there seems to be little else that we can expect of him.

+ Mark Hughes (Blackburn Rovers)

Ex-Barcelona (player), so he has that sexy Continent-returned vibe going for him. The salt and pepper hair makes it cooler and even more outrageous that he gets into fights with the teenaged Francesc Fabregas.

+ Alan Pardew (Charlton Athletic)

White hair and blue eyes in a careworn face. Perhaps we have a Gandalf thing, too. This is really bad for us.

+ Frank Rijkaard (Barcelona)

Oh COME ON. He’s youngish, has the most luscious curls in Christendom, and looks like he couldn’t give a damn about the fact that he manages the most difficult prima donnas in Europe’s best team. (Sry, Milan. They own ur ass.) Meet Frank Rijkaard, rockstar manqué. It is unfortunate that his swell suits all have sponsor names printed on their backs. We are certain this gives him great grief; possibly more than Eto’o’s perpetual fit of the sulks.

+ Fabio Capello (Real Madrid)

How does the really bad manager of a really bad team make it on to the list of the most successful managers of all time? Well, about as inexplicably as he makes this list and La Liga capitulates to la Real. Papa Capz is bad-tempered, wrinkly, and uses bad hair dye, but his sartorial sense is sharper than David Beckham (… oh. Never mind.) and his glasses and general air of old-world pig-headedness make him by far the most desirable 34850384500 year old in football, in a slightly disturbing way.

+ Roberto Donadoni (ex-Livorno; Italy)

Hoo, boy. This ex-New York Metrostars superstud managed Livorno for something like six games before they decided that he was a bad manager who did not help them win any games (NB: Livorno never win any games under any manager) and the man, whom you may also know from his days in AC Milan and the Nazionale, is now strutting his stuff as the manager of the Italian men’s football team. We don’t know how the World Cup winners feel about his coaching skills, but as someone who heads a pack of professionally contracted Dolce and Gabbana models, we must say that Donadoni more than passes muster.

+ Quique Sanchez Flores (Valencia)

EYELINER.

We feel this says enough.

+ Martin O’Neill (Aston Villa)

(seen here embracing the lost art of folk dancing?)

1. He has glasses and a Scottish accent. 2. He is not Alex Ferguson. 3. He is necessary for the survival of English football, given (1) and (2).

fin

la liga: real madrid-deportivo la coruna

2007-05-27T19:58:00.000-07:00

Spain’s comedy team at it again this weekend in a home mach against Deportivo la Coruña, they of the dead cool pink and black away kit. The Sky Sports commentators can’t seem to stop talking about David Beckham and his recall to the England national team. This is in reality likely to affect the same magical revival in the fortunes of the England national team that his exclusion after the World Cup did. Why is Real Madrid so full of discredited international superstars? Well, because in Madrid they’re still fed and watered and called the G-word.

Still love Raúl, though.

+ Hate that the once perpetually shiny, smiling Fabio Cannavaro now plays with a grimace on his face, as some pundit [James Lawton?] recently observed about Ronaldinho. The regrowth of his hair is a good sign, however. Dolce & Gabbana await. Someone should tell Gago the same thing in attempting to rescue him from the clutches of the Evil Dead. The barettes = much better appreciated in Italy, anyway.

+ Defend us, heav’n. Three months between this Madrid game and the last one we watched, the football is now worlds apart from the sort we saw back then, but the overwhelming feeling of precious irrecoverable minutes of our life we will never get back assails with cruel inevitability.

+ OH GOD, SERGIO RAMOS SCORES. Where else in the world is this likely to happen? Impossible. Surreal and strange and impossible. Lovely hairband, though, and the somersault is heartening, a rare and real sign of life among the Zombie Whites.

+ And Gago goes down. Sky Sports commentators insist on calling him ‘Gag-go,’ the way Kaká is ‘Cack-ka.’ No penalty given. Gago maybe counts drama on his list of social accomplishments? Man cannot live by hair product alone, after all, certainly not a red-blooded Argentine, whose hair style should very much be along the lines of opposing defender Coloccini’s, at any rate.

+ So what is it with Becks in the Andrea Pirlo role? Why is he all over the place? What happens to everyone else that he actually starts to look like a doer in spite of his rash of yellow cards and vacant smile? Why is Depor suddenly acquiring similar rash of their own?

+ Depor almost scores! And then doesn’t! Because, shock, awe, Roberto Carlos is in the right place at the right time! It draws a grin from Cannavaro, at any rate. Never let it be said the man doesn’t have an excellent sense of humour.

+ Robinho goes down. Another free kick for Bex. Cannavaro robbed of the opportunity to make it two up for Madrid by Depor choke.

+ HERMIONE GRANGER. That is who Gago looks like! Or that child actor who portrays her, at any rate.

+ Poor Iker Casillas. Always pissed off. Keeping goal for Madrid will do that to a person. Aaaand, it’s half-time.

+ Oh goodness, really considering abandoning comments entirely, match so sans gumption. Depor takes an unfortunate free kick. Obviously Lady Luck is twelfth man for Real. However, note that Robinho has abandoned the canary yellow boots for something out of The Wizard of Oz. Good for you, little man.

+ We saw the last third of the Valencia-Villareal match before this, and remain amazed by the difference in what we consider a game representative of la Liga, and an RM game. The general impression of Real’s game plan seems to be: run around making a nuisance of yourself, fall over, make for stoppage time, crunch in a set piece. Oh, look, here’s one again.

+ Becks hits the post with a free kick. Sky Sports orgasms.

+ Casillas makes a triple-save. We hear there are still some actual Real fans left – you guys want to band together and set up a ‘Send The Poor Man On Vacation’ fund sometime? It’s a wonder he has any nerves left.

+ HAHAHHAHA, CAPDEVILA scores. Well, it was coming. Real 1-1 Deportivo.

+ RAÚL! Oh, what a positively decent header! Oh, how Real’s bad comedy vibe has rubbed off upon Depor! Oh, the humanity!

+ Diarra keeps getting knocked down. Excellent to see the enterprising spirit of Guti lives on even when he is on the bench with a flu.

+ Really hope Kaká is watching this. His team put on a show almost as bad as an average Real effort on the night of the Champions’ League final, but he should know what he will be in for if he ever decides that white makes him look prettier. As for the big-mouthed Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who seems to enjoy putting his career on the line week after week with ill-chosen words, this should definitely afford the sight of how, exactly, a career can die. Painfully.

+ Another Bex free kick. Goes to waste. Think will go eat some curds and whey.

+ Depor free kick (really, we are not trying to develop a theme here. This is almost minute-by-minute). Straight to Casillas. Depor keeper way prettier, must say. And rather obviously just as angry.

+ This game is so dire. Must abandon to save last vestiges of sanity. Twenty minutes more might damage brain irreparably. Shall we? Shan’t we?

+ Hey, where’s little Gonzalo Higuain? Come on out, baby. < / disturbing quasi-eratophilia >

+VAN SCHNITZELROOY! OH, WHAT ELSE IS NEW! Gods, what a man.

+ Robinho out. HAY GUTÍ.

+ Leave the pink shirt alone, Roberto Carlos.

+ Leave the somersaults to Sergio Ramos, Roberto Carlos.

+ When will this end? When? Are we stuck in some devious parallel universe where Real Madrid is always playing football? What have we done to deserve to be locked into same?

+ Roberto Carlos in handbags, #46794376. At least he did not forget to leave the pitch. Hello, Cicinho.

+ Higuain, little Higuain! W00t!

+ Four minutes of injury time. All we can gather up is a feeble moan of protest.

+ Higuain so enthusiastic. Pity about the team, really.

+ Game over. OH THANK HEAVEN. * pop eyeballs back in and crawl off*

Never again, we promise.

--------------

Alright, we’re also watching Barca-Getafe. Not doing reactions [other than Y DECO Y U SHAVE UR HEAD], but the Messi-Eto’o-Ronaldinho action to set up the first goal has already begun to repair our ravaged brain.

a champions league final report in deadly earnest

2007-05-27T19:57:00.000-07:00

We don’t have much to say. This was a really bad match. Well, to be fair, we don’t have what you might call a balanced perspective: one of us spent the majority of the match pacing the balcony with a team shirt over her head, and the other was supporting the team that lost, and consequently gave up and retreated into ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’ once Filippo Inzaghi scored his magnificent second goal (and then celebrated like he’d recovered the ring ~~Kaká~~ Frodo threw into the cracks of Mount Doom). Neither side gave us the character-filled ‘masterclass’ (thank you, Associated Press, for emblazoning that word into our collective consciousness forevermore by overusing it in the wake of the Milan-United game) in totally opposing football styles that the semi-finals had led us to hope for. The mistakes and overcautiousness that populated the field on the night overshadowed most of what might have been salvaged as a happy or comforting memory from the game.

Liverpool played the one striker who was unable to score (much). Milan just didn’t show up, and came through on what seemed like the benevolence of Liverpool, and the surprise shows from a couple of unlikely players, including one Nelson Jesus da Silva, whom you may know as “that utter twit, Dida.” All the goals were unnecessary and could have been avoided, everyone looked tired and drugged up to their eyeballs with fear and loathing, and – that was the match in its entirety.

Aisha’s vote for Man of the Match: no one, really. It’s sad that Liverpool produced not a single notable performance. Even Xabi broke our hearts. And when that happens, words become superfluous. All we can do is shake our heads in dismay. Shake, shake.

Ros’ vote for Man of the Match: Nesta, actually. Inzaghi was excellent and deservedly lauded as the matchwinner for Milan, but his two goals might have been consolation had it not been for the near-flawless performance from the man who suffered the injustice of watching his place in the World Cup being taken over – and then put to good use! – by Mad Matrix Materazzi. Another four years without injury and Nesta should end his career as he began, rightly hailed as one of the world’s best.

Aisha’s Moment of the Match: The Alonso foul. Decisive for the game, and, in spite of its terrible consequence for Liverpool, affording us the opportunity to look at Alonso up close. Devastating(ly gorgeous).

Ros’ Moment Of The Match: The Alonso foul. Decisive for the game and, in spite of producing a goal credited to Inzaghi, proof that Andrea Pirlo is the ruler of everything in the universe. When he can be bothered to keep his eyes open.

Aisha’s Pick For Most Hilarious Moment: The complete disappearance of own club’s defence during Inzaghi’s second goal. It must be noted here that the laughter was semi-hysterical.

Ros’ Pick For Most Hilarious Moment: Inzaghi wasting time, almost bookably, after being elbowed by empty air. Harry Kewell’s Elizabethan ‘Ye gods, that such a man existeth!’ hand gestures only served to heighten the hilarity.

Let the readers note that not a tear of sorrow or joy was shed during the game. We were impressively stoic, as befits young ladies of our intellect and temper, and conducted ourselves impeccably throughout. (Except for the bit with the jerseys and chick lit.)

And that’s that for the season. Keep coming back for updates on DLG’s favourite things about football: rumours, gossip, persiflage and generally good-for-nothing football trivia. Don’t forget the Euro 2008 qualifiers, either. Until August, then, lovers of the mad, beautiful (and also? mad) game.

monday trivia

2007-05-20T23:45:00.000-07:00

No, this post is not about Alessandro Nesta. We just think he's awesome.

The Football Italia quotes this time are comedy gold, or something greater. Observe:

“I think it’s a pretty name. You’ll see lots of children will be called Chanel soon.”
Ilary Blasi, otherwise known as Mrs Francesco Totti, challenges the Beckhams for the daftest baby name competition

More's the pity, Ilary, more's the pity. We know Italy will be bursting at the seams with little girls called Chanel soon. But really. Still, baby should probably be thankful Mama didn't go for first name 'Coco' instead, or we'd have all been left wondering just why Totti's kid was named after a Torino striker of suspect integrity.

And this one: “I was very young when I planned out my career. I was going to play for a big club in Brazil, then Europe, Italy, take part in a World Cup and Olympics. At the end of the map was the Champions League Final.”
Kaka saw his career path as a Lord of the Rings saga with Rafa Benitez as Sauron

Those looks SO work against Kaka. But Pirlo and Gattuso were meant to be Legolas and Gimli.

'I feel it grow heavier as it lies upon my neck...'

in which we bestir ourselves to care

2007-05-11T04:03:00.000-07:00

About something other than the fluctuating percentages of the likelihood of Maldini making an appearance in his eighth Champions' League final in Athens on May 23rd. The Gazzetta dello Sport reports today that Real Madrid

[obligatory pause for laughter from the galleries, since their coming as close to winning la Primera in five-odd years than they ever have is no reason to stop making fun of them]

is planning a bid for one of our favourite players, Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Yesterday, news of their desire to capture that much-beloved emperor of the masses and FC Inter's least favourite party animal, Big Man Adriano, had leaked out, and all seemed well in the world of la Real, with everyone involved not knowing their arses from their elbows as per usual. Adrian (wot Google Translate calls the fun-loving Brazilian giant) could hardly have any serious rivals for that coveted position, the Antonio Cassano Spot On The Madrid Bench, anywhere in Europe, could he?

Today we hear that Zlatan is also included in their plans. Which is also not very puzzling, since he fulfils Madrid's basic criteria as top candidate for next year's flavour: he's had a good season, and he doesn't photograph badly. Well, apart from the nose. We wonder what Madrid's problem with their current formation and the on-fire van Nistelrooy - not our favourite player, but you have to respect a man who plays in an utterly crap team with an utterly crap formation but is already challenging for Pichichi in his first season. And he speaks better Spanish than Beckham's managed in five years! - is. Too horsy? Too good a finisher? Too much discipline?

If they want to hire Zlatan to go back to his support/creative striker role, then I think we can enjoy the prospect of yet another touch-and-go season for everyone's favourite men in white. Kaka in central defence would probably create as many opportunities.

Position aside, we can't imagine how Real, whose player purchases are the club's substitute for the kerchief down your pants, is going to deal with a personality as insecure and volatile as Zlatan's. He'll be among friends if he heads out - Cannavaro and Emerson - but what puzzles us is the idea that Fabio Capello has a role to play in all this. Or is Capello, contrary to all our expectations, actually staying on next year?

What we've seen of Zlatan leads us to conclude two things about the type of environment that suits him best: one is a Maradona-in-Napoli style set-up, a smaller club that will build itself around him and depend on him to perform under pressure and be a figure of inspiration. Or a club with a smooth, efficient management that knows how to deal with fragile egos and motivate them sufficiently to gel well with a team packed with other superstars. Any opinions on la Real fitting into either of those categories?

And in more gossip about glass egos, we have been reliably informed by The Sun that Andriy Shevchenko felt impelled to explain his injury problems and lack of committment to one Chelsea FC to a personage no less than John Terry. It appears that 'I'm just here for the money, dude,' doesn't quite cut it with the Iron Man of English Football. What a load of bull, we say.

We don't hold much for the authoriteh of celebriteh and the like, but we do wonder what would have happened if Sheva had turned around, looked his at least partly overrated teammate in the eye, and asked him to come talk to him when he had a couple of Ballons d'Or and a record as one of Europe's most successful players ever.

there is a time for gloating

2007-05-03T06:02:00.000-07:00

But that time is not now. There is a time to revisit old ghosts, a time to look ahead, a time to take stock and a time to celebrate.

For now: the San Siro. Cold, ferocious rain, howling walls of humanity, a cauldron built to order from the Inferno. What a fitting result for such a stadium.

And Milan and Liverpool are going to Athens.

live reactions: man united-milan, old trafford

2007-04-24T19:52:00.000-07:00

It’s the night of the 24^th down our way, and we have switched on the telly to catch the Ten Sports pundits flaunt their ignorance once again. Listening to them makes us wish we’d had the time or, indeed, the wit, to post a sane, reasoned preview of this semi-final before a result was to be had. “Milan so desperate for goalscorers! They took on Ronaldo! Why would they do that! No one else would touch him!” For the love of rumballs, you have to come from Planet Cretin to say something like that about the greatest player since Maradona. Especially since we’ve regularly been seeing what the man can do after escaping Madrid’s death clutches.

Foolish wittering about Manchester United’s “fantastic campaign” in the Champions’ League (naturally, losing to Celtic and Copenhagen and squeezing out a win against Lille thanks to borrowed genius Henrik Larsson, couldn’t get better) and Milan’s uninspiring form, neener neener, carried through the tournament solely by Kaká, blah blah, coming to this stage in spite of the fact that – oh, the predictably chuckleheaded reaction! – they ‘don’t deserve to be here.’ Hey, chaps: Calciopoli and the UEFA tribunals were both makeshift trials. If match pundits did half the work they were paid to do, these people would know that evidence was, and is continuing to be discovered as overwhelmingly in favour of Milan’s early protests that they were innocent.

And that may, indeed, be irrelevant to the topic at hand: the fact is that Milan has sweated, slogged and sliced their way through this season,

[we pause the rant and unmute the telly to squeal at that Lionel Messi Adidas commercial. Oh, Leo.]

under no illusions that their year has been anything but an unmitigated horror, aging, disappointing, cracking and tiring every other game, but they have pulled through, and anyone who saw Kaká’s hattrick against Anderlecht, or Pirlo’s free kick in the San Siro against Bayern, or Nesta keeping on his opponents out of games for full stretches of ninety minutes bare days after returning from a potentially career-destroying injury, or mewling, puking Pippo Inzaghi’s dream run against defenders ten years younger than he to score that infuriating goal in the Allianz Arena, will know why.

In all fairness to Milan’s detractors, the Berlusconi machine will no doubt try to paint a victory as a moral judgment on the rest of the world for doubting them and be generally infuriating, because heaven knows that Milan’s sense of entitlement, if rather more classily packaged, is as great as anything Manchester United can put on display. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that this game is not going to depend on Berlusconi, or on Richard Drew and Joe Morrison. Let’s give human intelligence – and not just Alex Ferguson’s – a little credit, yeah.

On to the game.

12.15. a.m. April 25, 2007.

+ Line-up. Not long ago, Paolo Maldini, discussing his ravaged knees, said that none of his injuries mattered when he heard the CL anthem on the field before a game. Il capitano has famously bad taste in music – he likes Beyoncé and Will Smith, of all people. Yet who are we to judge such a one as he?

+ Moving on: Say hello to The Amazing Welshman Ryan Giggs! There’s Alessandro Nesta, expression set to his default “thunderously pissed-off!" Jankulovski winking at the populace – what up, Marek – and the beauteous Gabriel Heinze! Edwin van der Sar! Dida – starting after all! Fully expected to see Kalac there. Good or bad thing? Terrible for Milan that that is such a diffcult question to answer.

Bald Gila (yay, more space to stick voodoo pins on his figurine if he fails again). And Maldini. Could be his second-to-last CL game.

+ Game on. United kicks off.

+ What’s this, Richard Drew calling Milan “classy.” Be still, beating hearts. First time we’ve ever heard him do anything but mumble and kvetch about a non-English opponent. This is the man who called David Silva’s work of art against Chelsea as it happened thus: “Silva, Silva. Still Silva.”

Wanker.

+ Kaká tumbles. As a general point of interest to non-Milanisti: never believe that Kaká is as virtuous as he looks. When it comes down to it, he can use gravity rather more intelligently and favourably to his advantage than that cavalier young Cristiano R.

+ W00t, Nesta slide-tackles Rooney. No wonder Sandro was a superstar before Cannavaro actually came to the international public eye. He can outplay his striker’s game without batting an eyelash – makes him much flashier than Canna, because he can work the whole speed and danger and human-bullet impressions, whereas Canna, bar that insanely perfect World Cup campaign, generally much prefers to slow things down to his pace. Which doesn’t always work. See: La Liga 2006-07 (What a ridiculous league. Fredi Kanouté - Fredi Kanouté! - wouldn’t score goals anywhere else. Utter love).

+ Goal for Man United. DIDA. Always believed that he and Gila should have exchanged places at the beginning of the season – neither can handle goals the way he’s paid to do. No wonder there was a rumour that Barca wanted him. Absolutely no difference between him and the nutty Victor Valdes. (ETA: So it’s actually credited to Cristiano. Sorry, Cwis, no credit from DLG – the blame has been laid. And run over several times with a cleated rolling-pin.)

+ Oh hay Ambrosini.

+ Kaká, straight to van der Sar. Maybe we should stop watching this game. We always seem to jinx the clubs we love. Carletto’s looking tense and caged-up in the away enclosure. Ah, Dida saves a decent Carrick attempt. Carrick, we love you! However, please do not do that again.

+ *we mute the telly and switch on calming music *

+ Gila and Heinze clash. First we’ve seen of the G-monster all game.

+ Perhaps this point of time might behoove a disclaimer: we aren’t really watching the football. It’s pure hyperventilation. So sparkling sports feature writing will be scarce.

+ KAKÁ. Brilliant run, great finish, away goal, trademark ‘ILU GAWD’ celebration. For a secular blog, we must say we’re overwhelmingly fond of Jesus right this moment ourselves.

How’s that totally spurious and underwhelming ‘BEST PLAYA EVAR’ contest going, anyhow, pundits?

+ Giggs rattles the crossbar, which everyone knows is AC Milan’s real keeper. Almost all activity 27 minutes in have been around Milan’s goal, but the idea of a United siege is somewhat far from the mind, as things stand, since the defenders are doing their job. Perhaps they look better than usual because the last European match Manchester United played allowed them seven goals in.

+ Oh, Cristiano falls. Rino, who has been hounding him all evening, is the cause. Handshakes all around. Free kick to Cris. … and the wall gets it.

+ Beautiful Pirlo run and square pass to Seedorf. Art for art’s sake. Reminds us of one of the earliest posts on this blog, where we talked of how watching Pirlo play football occasionally makes us ask of everyone else in the business, “…why bother? Why bother?”

+ Maldini and Nesta foil da Roo. Well, let’s see how the Milan Wall’s holding up sixty minutes into the game.

+ * wander off to find chocolate to stave off the tension*

+ Hey, anyone else think O’Shea is a dead ringer for Philippe Senderos? Is this a good thing?

+ Dear heavens, KAKÁ. The FRACK if that goal isn’t one of the best we’ve seen all year.

+ Nesta’s header off a corner kick. Goes wide. (Never mind, Sandro, the hair’s still Homeric in its terrible beauty).

+ Ooh, yellow for Evra for a foul on Massimo Oddo. He misses the next match.

+ Rino goes to ground. There was contact there, for sure, but the reaction is pure drama, no doubt hoping to get Evra a red. Ref doesn’t buy, but calls stretcher, and does award a free kick for Milan. Pirlo doing the honours. What on earth, the man’s actually sweating. Has his heartrate gone above the usual Pirlo 100?

Probably; it goes wide.

+ Half-time.

+ Kaká’s second goal just gets better and better every time we see it.

+ 2^nd half: Bonera comes on for Maldini. Hm. The 60’-Milan crumble still foreseen, although not now for lack of fitness. Ambrosini gets the armband. What’s the break-up of the vice-captaincy, we wonder? Does Rino get it for Serie A games and Ambro for Europe? Very interesting if that is the case. Very Milan, actually. Fracking byzantine public relations.

+ Carrick misses the sweetest of chances off a corner.

+ .. the hell? Is that the THIRD time Rino’s being stretchered off? This time for good. Go in peace, Rino, and be well. He’s had his own injury issues this season, ribs, ankles and all.

+ Christian Brocchi comes on. We haven’t seen much of him yet. Didn’t he get his first Italy call-up this year?

If it wasn’t for Nesta – and the latent (very latent) genius of Pirlo – we’d put the two defences as equally balanced now; Oddo and Janku are super, but rather not for this sort of game. Too much going forward.

+ Kaka-Seedorf crossing near the United goal. Delightful, if pointless. This time, at least.

+ ROONEY. … Wait, wasn’t that a handball? Oh no, just more proof, United so full of character, Rooney such a genius, such talent and determination, wonderful, marvellous, beautiful, superlative, best thing since rumballs.

+ Goal came on sixty minutes, too. Dun dun dun dun. Where’s that bloody chocolate.

+ Haha. OH HAY DARREN FLETCHER.

+ We come back at 70’ to see Kaká tackle Scholes, get Man United a free kick. Giggs misses. Ancelotti looks troubled, anyhow. Our faces mirror this expression, we feel.

+ Bonera yellow card for tackling da Roo. Crappy move, Daniele. Free kick. Dida tense. We’re off to the kitchen again.

+ But hark! Dida saveth. Someone decided to turn an honest day's profit, after all. That’s what, twice this season, Nelson J?

(Really, why is Marco Storari fourth choice keeper for Milan? He’s one of the sharper keepers in Serie A. And he’s cleaned his hairstyle up a bit since he joined, too.)

+ Heinze-poppin’. Gila collision. Free kick to Milan. Pirlo, as always. Better effort this time. Smothered by van der Sar at the post, anyhow.

+ Dang. Terrific slide from Nesta to cut off Cristiano, but they both crash into the boards. Cue drama queenism from both parties. Or so we hope. Another injury at this stage doesn’t bear thinking about.

+ Wh0a! What a volley from Cristiano! Hits the upright, sadly for him.

How on EARTH do you give this man so much space if you have an iota of sense in your brain?

+ The anonymous Gila off, Yoann Gourcuff on. Youri’s great. In fact, his form in the few matches that he’s had a chance has been so good that it’s amazing Ancelotti hasn’t given him more starts, even in that diamond-studded midfield. Then again, he’d bring the average age of the first team down even further, and we all know how unacceptable that seems to be to the Rossoneri.

+ Ambro crunches Rooney’s ankles. Free kick results. Dida looking pissed off. “Why are you making me WORK, people?”

+ Three minutes to go. Remember Bayern. Eat more chocolate.

+ Injury time. Nesta’s first mistake of the evening. Bloody good goal, that, even if it does repel itself from the foot of da Roo.

Aaand that’s all. Man United 3-2 Milan. See you next week in the San Siro.

watch this space for a real post soon.

2007-04-17T08:21:00.000-07:00

man utd-roma at old trafford

2007-04-10T19:45:00.000-07:00

+Why is Van der Sar the weak link in this United side, all of a sudden? Commentary all focused on his mistakes. Unfair. He’s no Buffon, but he’s worth the weight of the back line they’re fielding now in gold.

+Haha, de Rossi at the singing of the anthem. Badass. Wouldn’t want to get in his way.

+ Totti goes wide by a fraction. Pundits: “They are attacking.” Honey, please don’t believe everything you hear about Totti’s intelligence. Better still, believe EVERYTHING you hear about Spalletti’s. No-brainer, really, though. Roma need to score, there’s a defence to exploit and an attacking set-up to their advantage. If punditry brings up “defensive Italian football,” now …

+ … and what do you know, it does crop up. Chuckleheads. Richard Drew DLG’s new punching bag. Think little Gila needs a rest, at any rate.

+ Vucinic scrobbles a wide, wide shot. Definitely needs a shave. Maybe more practice, too. Erm, what just happened. Sorry, Heinze distractingly cute. No, worried about why Taddei isn’t up, though. No news on whether it’s injury or not, although we knew the worry existed a couple of evenings back.

+ Carrick goal. Doni, WTF? Carrick man of the future, though. Definite positive advert for United.

* muting channel to avoid commentators going orgasmic re: Carrick’s genius all the same*

+ Dammit, Roma, stop being so afraid of Cristiano Ronaldo. Do NOT give him space.

+ … who is this kid?????

+ Wow, we are watching a nightmare. This isn’t a real game, is it. It’s a game in which only ONE SIDE SEEMS TO HAVE A DEFENCE. AND A KEEPER.

+ Philosophical question: do we owe it to football to keep the telly on? Not about winning or losing, just about needing to catch up on sleep versus waiting out the occurrence of what now seems inevitable. Remember the first Milan derby of the season, when Inter was three up at halftime and ended at 4-3. Of course, that was because the Inter defence consisted of Materrazzi going nuts. Philosophical question #2: Materrazzi versus Rio Ferdinand. Who would win? Discuss.

+ Totters is balding. De Rossi is crazy. Have risen above the football. Damnit, Roma have lost focus completely. Never once saw them give away the ball in the Olimpico game the way they do now.

+ No. of Ronaldo wide shots so far: 3. No. of Ronaldo tantrums: 0. Is there something the camera is hiding from us?

+ Ronaldo goal. 4-0. You know, if we’d wanted to watch PSV-Liverpool we’d have switched on the telly tomorrow. Roma tifosi must feel like Serbia and Montenegro fans right now, watching that World Cup game against Argentina. Have they ever been this bad? Difficult to remember. This the side that pulled the rug from under a very decent Catania earlier this season with a 7-0 victory.

+ Totters free kick. Saved. Half-time.

+ … that Chelsea-Valencia game is the one we need to be watching. Unsurprised at all the fowling, this was always going to be a super-dirty game. That tackle on Sheva, though. Our ankles crunched in sympathy.

+ 5-0. See you in the morning, girls and boys.

t And that's 7-1 to United. Let's go home now.

a hurried announcement

2007-04-10T04:02:00.000-07:00

ZAMBROTTA IS UP FOR SALE.

If the truth in that report is worth those capital letters, we beg you, ~~Milan~~ Serie A, bring the man back.

taddei is a good dei

2007-04-05T00:50:00.000-07:00

From our scribbled live reactions to last night's Roma-Man United game in Rome, starting around minute 15:

* The Olimpico looks * fantastic. * The pitch is way healthier than the San Siro's. (And Ten Sports didn't focus in the least on the crowd trouble, so all the Eisenstinian headshots of gorgeous well-dressed young Italians cheering their team on = FTW.) What an atmosphere. Have we ever seen Cristiano Ronaldo look more harried? Can't remember.

* Damn, but Man U are tight, even when they're screwed up. Van der Sar class act as ever, even without a ton of trouble from this game.

* Why does a set piece around the Roma goal inspire much less fear and loathing than one around a Milan goal? Brazil's #1 is Dida, not Alexander Doni. We like Doni. Capable enough. Hell, compared to Dida even Cristiano Doni'd look capable enough.

* SCHOLES SENT OFF! Well-deserved. Totts such a drama queen, though. And Chivu. Gotta love Italy.

* Spalletti's pate - cannot ... look ... at .. screen. Guh. Shiny.

* Can't imagine Roma pulling together with such a semblance of assurance if they'd gone a man down.

* Perrotta booked for simulation. Gotta kick Italy.

* The Taddei goal. SWEETNESS. Fine piece of work between Totti, Mancini and himself. All the better for Rio Ferdinand having one of his characteristic 'where am I and where is my packed lunch?' moments. Ten Sports commentators total wankers, though. Glad to have semi-public forum to be biased and partisan ourselves. Aren't getting paid for it, though, are we.

* Half-time. Think Man U's unfamiliarity with Roma really rattled them. Dreading Ferg's mythic powers, though: are they going to come out calm and composed and all figured out on how to beat Roma 6-1 in the next 45? Beyond cool if Man U came on with three strikers.

* Gary O'Reilly is cool. Half-time snapshot of Chelsea-Valencia at 0-1.

* HOLY FRACK, WHAT IS DAVID SILVA ON???

* Oooh, shiny tunnel. Olimpico rather obviously showing up as no poor cousin of football's La Scala up in Milan. Football better, too.

* Be still, beating heart, art thou feeling a wee bit sorry for the globally consistent booing of Cronaldo? Surprise us all the time. This is harsh, though, by any standards. Would hate to be in his slippy shoes.

* Roo and Ron let some of the class show. Good goal. Nesta would never have let it happen. Then again, Nesta would systematically chop his toes off before playing for Roma. Too bad, they could use ... ouch, wide shot on Man U goal from Daniele De Rosii. He's kind of sucking on and off. The wasted chances so uncharacteristic of Roma's usual big games. Totters being usual prickly selfish self. Give someone else the fracking free kick for once, man. Roma really need an alternative (read: better) dead ball specialist.

* GO VUCINIC! Spalletti, we <3 ur brane.

* Solskjaer yellow card. More pretty things in the Roma stands. Ole comes off, Fletcher comes on. Bye, Ole. Competent tonight, Fletcher?

* Have we ever seen worse attempts on goal than some of Roma's tonight, or is the tension just making us crabby?

* Cristiano, you little diver.

* OH GOD, LOUIS SAHA for Giggs. No, please, not more pace! OMG, imagine if it were Henrik Larsson.

* Rosi for Taddei. ... interesting? Defend, Roma, defend for the love of Maldini! Ah, Heinze yellow card. Crap tackle, crap diving. So that's what you do, is it, Rosi?

* WHISTLE. Roma 2-1 Manchester United. Football, we love you.

More later.

preview: roma-man united

2007-04-03T06:42:00.000-07:00

Item: We only just realized that Sevilla are going to be in the Champions' League next year. Score. That team rocks louder than sixty-something superbands in the Wembley in the early nineties.

--

Ignoring the Bayern-Milan match tonight, as we have not our smelling salts to hand, we thought it was time to take a look at how things have been leading up to the Roma-Manchester United game, alternately touted as an easier go than even PSV-Liverpool and more exciting than Jagger and Richards in the same dress. We had the opportunity to catch Milan play Roma over the weekend and found it far more exciting than anything on offer from their opponents. Still, playing Blackburn will do that a a team, one expects (Don't say no, we're Arsenal fans).

Milan escaped, of course, borne on the successful return of the man who was once the other prince of Rome, Alessandro Nesta, and a blatant dive from the canny Ronaldo that earned Milan an Andrea Pirlo free kick which, surprisingly enough, was converted. By Gilardino.

... yeah.

Roma played their natural game, throwing everything forward and dazzling the rheumy eyes of their opponents. Punditry seems to believe that this will not be the case in the first leg of the QFs, to be played out in the Stadio Olimpico on Thursday night. Roma's strategy against Lyon involved them pulling off the ugly, gritty defensive style with equal aplomb before proceeding to demolish them in the away leg in France. Now this might work against Man U, in as much as anything ever works against what is undoubtedly Europe's best football team. It often pleases us to see how United succeeds so well in becoming greater than the sum of its parts, which is, alright, probably a necessary feat when your parts include such characters as Wayne Rooney and Gary Neville.

As always, one cannot help but mention Fergiemort, that red-nosed glue that manages to hold the baby Bentleys, and a lot of their older counterparts together (seriously, do you see why Henrik Larsson was a breath of fresh air to this man?) After he singled out Daniele de Rossi - who put in a very creditable performance in the Nazionale's win against Scotland last week - and Amantino Mancini for praise when asked about his opponents, Fergie aroused the wrath of the most easily miffed man in Serie A, the singular (and aren't we grateful for it!) Francesco Totti.

Although Sir Alex was grace itself on the subject of Roma's bandiere later in the week, calling him the "architect" of his side and key to everything United threw at Roma, the wrath of Totters, to whom the Guardian also paid glowing tribute earlier, was awakened enough for him to make yet another go at tickling his tonsils with his toes.

“I hope I will make him remember my name. They are planning to ‘cage’ me? My opponents have always tried to do this with me, maybe when I grow up I will work in a zoo, I am used to cages!” added the world champion.

We do believe we would love this man if we had woken up on the right side of bed the day we were made aware of his existence.

We know United is having serious problems in defence - with Nemanja Vidic out injured, the only man over there capable of so much as being noticed by an on-form Roma is the lovely Gabriel Heinze. Unless Rio Ferdinand takes something that makes him hesitant to pee into a cup after it's all over, we cannot see him pose much of a problem to Roma's centre-forwards. What will be interesting to see is how Roma's relatively inexperienced but tight back line will cope with United's own midfield.

The odds are atill stacked against the Italians, of course, simply because with all their problems, United are capable of putting the fear of Ferg into the hearts of braver men. We only hope that the contest is as worthy as we can make it.

Endnote: And because we can't but display our partisanship yet again, we will drop the first-person plural for the first time in living memory to say: Milan, tu sei tutta la vita mia.

in which we draw useless parallels to the ongoing world cup.

2007-03-28T06:42:00.000-07:00

+ Given where Pakistani cricket has ended up, we have to wonder if there are any stars meant to be thanked for the way Italy's international campaign turned out last year.

+ Given where Indian cricket has ended up, a solution to the public woes might be for people in this land to stop perving over the English team and support Portugal or something.

+ Given where Australian cricket is - where in hell is Australian football, and where is that large bed under which to hide when in unleashes itself?

+ Has football advertising ever produced an ad as delightful as this one? Answer: No. Because there are no Konkani footer ads.

friday afternoon milan blogging. now with added gila-grumble.

2007-03-23T03:58:00.000-07:00

"No, you pay me the compliments FIRST, then I give you the goals."

Zomgggggggggg. r u kidding me.

Milan has no faith in Gila? Why, the villainous bastards! Who wouldn't put faith in a boy who ISN'T PLAYING WELL for them?

We felt sorry for Gila at the start of the season. We'll bet it's difficult adapting from a smaller, friendlier club or city to big, cold, glittery Milan. Especially when you landed up in the first place reasonably expecting to play second fiddle to the modestly talented Andriy Shevchenko. And to be fair, he did show a modest amount of promise. He's no Baggio (he's no Del Piero, if we must), but who are we to deny that it takes something to play up front for Italy.

But you know what? He's just not good enough. And whether or not its fair to put him under so much pressure just because he plays for a club with all that harping on Tradition and History and Did We Mention The Seventeen Scudetti And The Five Champions' League Titles?, it is totally unacceptable to say they owe him a bedtime story and a fluffy kitten for his birthday. Eight goals in a season where the top scorer already has eighteen? Doesn't put you in line for Best Thing Evar. Sorry, darling.

We like the boy. But he annoys the fuck out of us.

In other news, Gianluca Zambrotta isn't going to Milan. Of course he isn't. The only really worthy successor to that leftback position and he isn't going. It's just as well, considering il papa still has about thirty years to go before quitting, and Zambro is just too, too good to play second fiddle to anyone, even Mald--no, no, what are we saying? Stop us before these words cross the barrier of our teeth!

champions league last eight draw.

2007-03-09T04:42:00.000-08:00

Will this man's team last long enough for him to make a CL comeback? Also known as, we don't have an appropriate picture and took the opportunity to spam the world with hawt arty pix of Alessandro Nesta.

QF draws are out. Happily, our prediction about Chelsea went wildly off-track. For once they don't draw an unfancied team. TWe expect no shilly-shallying for a Chelsea-Valencia match - this is either going to be a fantastically dramatic game or one so boring that we'll all wish the cameraman would give up on the football and just watch Jose Mourinho already.

The most lopsided of the lot, at least on paper, seems to be Roma versus Manchester United. * DLG ignores the joyful cries of 'PSV-Liverpool!' having no certain idea of which set of fans deserve to cry thus * I don't know if United can take this one for granted, because while Roma's consistency leaves something to be desired, they're coached by a very smart man, and are capable of forcing a game to their plan, as we so enjoyably found in the away game at Lyon. However, United has shown the world just what they're capable of this last season. Heck, aliens on Jupiter probably adjust their satellites every weekend to admire what United's been doing this season. Which is all to say: if Roma lose, it will be to the most apparently worthy foes in the tourney.

The Bayern-Milan draw seems most balanced, both for prestige and form. A DLG innocent of the intricacies of the Bundesliga dare not stake a bet on the outcome of this game. However, Milan fans can rest secure in the knowledge that their club's defence, shaky as it is, is highly unlikely to suffer the ignominy of allowing a goal 9 seconds after kick-off.

If both Milan and Roma win, they will play each other in the SFs (oh goodness, more quotable quotes from Totters. Is it too late for him tot ake lessons on being a good bandiere from Paolo Maldini?). On the other hand, if Roma lose, Milan or Bayern plays Manchester United. What a game to look forward to, either way!

And hm. Chelsea-Liverpool. Chelsea-PSV (... so the Luck of Abramovich may not be entirely in abeyance). Valencia-PSV. No, definitely the most exciting outcome, we think, is a Valencia-Liverpool match.

No predictions from us, however. Only, we would like, in our way, to demurely advance the view that another Milan-Liverpool final? Would be a pain in the arse.

heh.

2007-03-08T20:29:00.000-08:00

Eat your heart out, Cristiano.

roundup: champions' league knockout stage

2007-03-07T23:12:00.000-08:00

Milan 1-0 Celtic, San Siro

"Milan still dominated possession with Andrea Pirlo, Seedorf and Kaká weaving numerous intricate exchanges..."

With your permission, gracious readers, a pause to reflect, above, on what is possibly the most beautiful image football writing can conjure.

Che bello. As we predicted, it wasn't easy going for Milan against the gutsy, talented Celtic FC, and we applaud both sides for keeping the pressure up. The rossoneri are not the side that could make any team in the world squirm and play for a draw five or six years back, but there's life in the old legs yet. It's interesting to note that a side that looked significantly weaker than several others going in to the qualifiers is now the only remaining quarter-finalist from last years' top eight. Take a look:

Barca-Liverpool: On second thoughts, let's avoid this one.
Arsenal-PSV Eindhoven: Hmm. Does anyone want to bet that, with Chelsea's luck, PSV is the team they get to play in the QFs?
Man U-Lille: We love you, Henrik Larsson. Have an incredibly nice life. Lille - just. Have a nice life. A deserved advancement, Manchester United. Please ensure your wingers don't trip on anything along the way.
Chelsea-Porto: Hi, Jose! We adore the idea that you're likely to have added the CL to your long list of victories by the end of this season. ~~We're just not sure we want you to share it with a bunch of overpaid bullies.~~
Inter-Valencia: Bah.
Roma-Lyon: Farewell, Juninho. Hello, Amantino Mancini. No, Francesco Totti, no one is talking to you.
Real Madrid-Bayern Munich: Erm. We don't want to seem prejudiced, so we'll substitute our own thoughts with those of a Madridista friend here.

After Cannavaro and Beckham were ruled out, I thought the only thing that could make things worse would be if Emerson played. He did. But even then, how do you concede a goal in 9 seconds, when you are the team with the kick-off ??!!!!

9 seconds ...

Wild cackling? Not from around here, we assure you.

Alright, then. Football is strange. English football is stranger. DLG must dash. Have a nice day.

"he ain't gonna be pretty no more."

2007-03-06T23:27:00.000-08:00

Holy mother of Maldini.

Spain is obviously an extremely pleasant place to play top-flight football.

As the country's last hope of Champions' League glory (even we aren't deludoed enough to give an inch to Madrid, whose antics this season have made it more than evident that sometimes, winning a football match is the least glorious thing a club can do) lived up to expectations by vaulting over an injury-hit Internazionale on away goals, one man came up to break the unhappy Nicolas Burdisso's nose. And much blood flowed. Clearly, the continent is now the place to go if the tickets to a Martin Scorsese show have run out. Unhappy young men washing away the standing ruins of their identity and integrity in the blood of other drifters.

Needless to say, we are incredibly disheartened. We love football fights when they limit themselves to superstar bitching and whining. We prefer to watch Scorsese for lessons on the breakdown of male identity.

And thankful we don't ~~appear to~~ support Inter, who are now facing charges from the UEFA that could have some very serious consequences for them, since they carry forward previous incidents of violence (more fannish than on-pitch, we believe) on their record, most memorably the injuring of Dida with a live flare from the stands during a Milan derby in 2005. We also await the judgment on Valencia, which we hope will reflect their rather greater part in yesterday's degrading little mess.

Seriously, people. Has the malevolent power of Craig Bellamy visited itself upon you all?

In other news: Roma pleasantly surprises everyone who thought they were crap. They're going fairly great guns in Serie A, and they're a beautiful team to watch, most times, so we're pleased. No surprises for Chelsea at home versus Porto, and Eidur Gudjohnsen doesn't do enough in that other little game we all forgot about.

notes on the continent

2007-03-05T23:56:00.000-08:00

1. Underestimate Celtic? Really, Gila? When even the most dedicated Milan fans among us (and trust me, such people do exist) have been biting their nails for fear of a side that has
a. had a great season in its own league
b. managed perfectly well to defend its unbeaten home record on Milan's away leg
c. managed to give (the, alright, extremely lucky) Manchester United a moment of torrid anxiety, which is more than anyone, even the wondrous Jose Mourinho, seems to have managed so far, and is therefore not unlikely to kick your superclub arse for you? Underestimate a club against which you managed to achieve the high honour of a big fat yellow card? For DIVING?

We wonder why we aren't more relaxed.

2. In other team news, we're extremely interested in Liverpool-Barca, just like you and the milkman and your maiden aunt, because while there was a time when we thought Inter was the best team to back for pulverising itself into nothing from a position of strength, both parties in tonight's Anfield tie seem to have acquired a knack for achieving the same. Reports of the weekend's Sevilla-Barca game astonished us. Bad news and ugly football in Spain - and it DOESN'T come from the Santiago Bernabeu. Shock and awe. English football is allowed to retain its smugness for a while longer. A goodly while, perhaps, considering that almost none of the Spanish or Italian clubs in the Champions League seem to have played themselves into particular positions of strength. Yes, Gila, we are still talking about you.

3. However, while on the subject of Inter, perhaps it is time for DLG to renew its declaration of love for the astounding Zlatan Ibrahimovic. His backheel pass against Livorno this weekend (approx 35 seconds into the video) might well explain away Old Man Lucarelli - who didn't do half badly himself in the same match - who gushingly intimated his opinion of Ibra's superiority over a certain Marco Van Basten.

4. Take a look at that Ajax goal everyone always talks about. Amateur iconoclasts must inquire: does the fact that Ibra fooled the very cameraman with his multiple feints speak for his genius, or the cameraman's incompetence?

All this, and the constant self-reference in third person. Just a little more belly and some drug abuse, Zlatan, and you're all set to give Italy its new Maradona!

"Not tonight, darling, I have a headbutt."