cat's pajamas

2002-06-21T11:56:00.000-07:00

What the hell? I just posted something and blogger ate it. I'd type it again, but I'm pissed off now. I'll get to it later. All I'll say is that I'm so wired on coffee that I'm levitating.

2002-06-18T12:34:00.000-07:00

I have not taken a single step toward losing weight yet. I really, really need to. I am desperate. I have the most disgusting pair of sneakers and no real gym clothes, so I just look like this ragamuffin slob. I at least need some proper footwear. I will make the time to do just that this weekend.

I doubt a single soul has ever seen this website, but if so, and you happen to have any information on the University of Phoenix online (preferably a student or graduate), can you please email me and tell me about it? I am seriously considering it because I don't think I can actually attend classes and I'd get more out of it than in a classroom setting. Thanks.

I am looking forward to actually getting my degree. The only bad thing is with getting married next year, this may be a bad time. I just want to do this before I have a baby. Or babies. Who knows.

Which reminds me, my sister said the strangest thing to me the other day on the phone. She said, "I'm surprised you haven't accidentally gotten pregnant yet." What is that all about?!? My mother said that she's just trying to get a rise out of me, but for chrissake, the woman is 33 years old. She's had my entire childhood to torment me and set my fragile emotions in a tailspin. She was a very cruel sister. And still can be. Now that I'm getting married she sees me more as a human, but still desperately wants to compete. She doesn't care if she draws blood. But there's nothing I can do, because I'm seen as the bad guy when I defend myself, and I don't want it to affect my relationship with my neice (5) and nephew (2). She is soaking it up, as she tends to step all over my parents as well. They feel even more strongly about doing anything to maintain their relationship with their grandchildren, but my mother is reaching the breaking point. However, things have calmed down since my engagement and while my sister tends to forget that she was born of someone other than her in-laws (who are ridiculous and unreasonable people, and she agrees on this judgment, which makes it even more offensive), they've seen each other more often than usual.

So here's my to do list:

- Lose lots of weight, and really tone up my middle, thighs and arms.
- Buy a nice outfit. I consistently look disgusting because I don't like anything I own.
- Go back to school.

2002-06-06T07:36:00.000-07:00

Why, oh why do my future in-laws refer to themselves as "Mr." and "Mrs." around me? I just received an email from his mother, signed as "Mrs." I should have signed my name as "Ms." Soon enough, I'll be able to sign my emails and cards with her same name. Then what, punk bitch? That'll show her. I'm totally kidding. She gets on my nerves sometimes, but she's a good woman. She just seems to really be resisting my change from "girlfriend" to "daughter-in-law", though her participation in wedding preparations is starting to gather steam slightly (to sum it up, we've been receiving tons of little, useless, cutesy gifts and the occasional minor suggestions). His parents like me, that's not a question - it just feels formal and I feel like they should be making an effort to make me a part of their family. I mean, they are, but formality just creeps in and leaves a sort of bad taste in my mouth. Am I overreacting to this? Probably. Can I help it? I should learn to.

Sushi was the bomb last night. The company was just as good. Still thrilled for LA. I'm dedicated to losing some weight, too. I'm feeling less horrified by the sight of myself, but I do have work to do, that's for sure.

2002-06-05T15:31:00.000-07:00

Hooray! Planning an LA trip around Labor Day. What to do, what to do. All I know is that I'm about to get down with some all-I-can-eat sushi.

2002-06-05T08:18:00.000-07:00

So I had a headache last night, and wasn't in the best mood to boot. Not quite bad, but I just wanted to make dinner really fast since T wasn't around and get into bed. So I'm on the train (that would be the F train, check out the nyc bloggers map) on the way home from work, when eventually someone sits back-to-back with me.

Let me explain my policy.

My favorite seat on the train is the window seat, perpendicular to the other seats in the train. This is to prevent staring at other passengers, and just get lost in my own world with minimal interference from others (i.e. elbows in the face, squeezing between two people, etc.). This leaves me to trust that the patron who will be sitting back-to-back with me will NOT touch me with their hair. It repulses me to no end when I have Jenny Ponytail swishing her hair around in mine. For whatever reason, to me this is the equivalent of sitting down on a toilet seat to find someone has broken the cardinal rule of "wiping the seatie" in the event of "sprinkling" whilst "tinkling".

So.

This passenger sat down and immediately proceeded to touch hair with me. I pulled back, just to have the person lean back, continuing the contact. I was so horrified that I had to scratch my head in the places it had been touched (somehow this kills the cooties). When finished with this, I found the process repeated. Then the bitch owner of this disgusting jeri-curled hair SHOOK IT OUT on my damn head. I immediately ran out of the seat and found a new one. I looked at the offender to see that it was a MAN who was trying to sport the Kenny G look! I stared daggers at him until he left. I don't know if he did this intentionally, as first thought when I imagined this to be a woman, but I wanted to rip into him like a stoner would a fresh bag of doritos.

This annoyance was diffused by a really cute group of little girls I walked past on my way from the train station to my house. I was immediately greeted by a girl of maybe seven holding a stack of styrofoam plates.

"Welcome to Ben's Gift Shop, would you like to buy some nice gifts?"

She was then joined by two more girls (where was Ben?), who were about the same age. I looked through the merchandise, and asked about a little stuffed animal.

"That's fifty cents."

The other two girls pounced on her. "NO!!! That's not fifty cents, it's ten cents!!"

The first girl snapped back, "Let me do the talking." She turned to me. "It's ten cents."

I gave her fifty anyway, and they told me I was very nice. I was given a free gift of a styrofoam plate, which had "Ben's Gift Shop" written on it. "You can use it as a fan," she told me.

I smiled the whole way home, and forgot about my headache.

That is, until I checked my caller ID to see that the NY Blood Bank called me three times over the span of an hour yesterday. I gave blood on friday, so I was petrified that The Call was coming. Luckily, T called later (he went to a boxing match?!) and told me that they just called because one of my answers was illegible. I went back to smiling, enjoyed my dinner, and watched some TV.

2002-06-03T08:34:00.000-07:00

My parents got a boat, saw it on saturday. Happy enough weekend altogether.

I'm starting off this day on the wrong foot, though, and I think a higher power (God, birds, a frayed power line transmitting messages to my brain, however that works) is trying to tell me that I need out of my job now. I find that its such a great source of embarrassment that its beginning to affect to every day. My job is so dumbed down that my job skills are hard to translate to another company, and plus, I don't want my lifelong career to be telephony. I feel like everyone has a better job, and if I leave this one I'll never have a job in my life.

Please, someone, anyone, hire me! Oh, and pay me more than I make now.

Is it really true that one needs a college degree in order to get any sort of job that's worth anything? I'd love to get into computers, and a friend of ours has an awesome computer-related job and no degree. I guess it's possible, but to me it feels like models must feel, just walking around trying to be "scouted out". Only the few lucky ones happen to give a blowjob to the right person and next thing you know they're where they want to be.

All I know is that this stupid office is nowhere close to it.

2002-05-28T07:34:00.000-07:00

Aye aye aye...I'm very dizzy today, not feeling too well. I hope it goes away, but I've had it ever since blowdrying my hair two and a half hours ago.

Memorial day weekend was nice. Made another yummy chocolate cake, had dinner with T's brother, and did LOTS of housework. Which left the majority of monday with nothing to do! Painted my nails, watched Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In and the Osbournes, and took a nap. Made me not mind working toda, because otherwise I'd be bored out of my mind.

I need a hobby!

2002-05-24T12:12:00.000-07:00

Today is a pretty good day. I wore a cute, fitting outfit, and found myself totally checked out by a hipster model-looking boy on the subway. When two seats became available at the same time, he moved aside so I could take the inside seat. He sat next to me. He sat there for a while, and I had my headphones on so my flirty self wouldn't get into trouble.

By the way, I realize that I am a flirt, and not a cheater-in-training.

So a while later, he got off the train. I was sitting next to the window and wanted to make eye contact to acknowledge his glances during the train trip. You know, to boost his ego a little and kind of say, "I think you're cute", which I couldn't have done on the train. Otherwise it would have invited a number exchange or something along those lines. The only thing about my look was that I tend to frown as my content face. It seems that way, because frequently enough people will ask me if everything is okay, even if I'm in the best mood. So it may have been misinterpreted. Once eye contact was made, I quickly looked away. I think he caught my drift, though. And if not, who cares, I'm engaged anyway.

I need harmless flirtation, and it is harmless. I have no intention of acting on it. Even though T tells me all the time that I'm beautiful - he's supposed to say that - I need to flirt because it makes me feel like I have control. For instance, when I'd go to bars and the like looking for boys, I felt like I needed to take what I could get. I'm a cute girl. I'm not gorgeous, and my thighs are larger than I'd like, but I get my share of attention. So this good-looking boy gave it to me. I'm flattered. And tonight I will happily join T and his parents for dinner, and follow that with a celebration of one year and counting until our wedding day.

Getting hit on by attractive people is like bringing home a good report card, better than expected. It's like proving my worth. It shouldn't be that way, but it is.

I feel like listening to Prince right now.

2002-05-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to get freaked out by how difficult it is for me to get to work. I have an hour-long morning routine, starting from the moment I arrive. I immediately pick up my water bottle, fill it up in the break room, go to the bathroom, get hot water for tea or make coffee (which I microwave for a full minute to make it ridiculously hot), then sit down at my desk. Once there, I log into the system, open all the different programs I use, and once they're all open I read my email. Once finished, I go onto the BBC News site. I follow that with the NY Times. Then, and only then, am I able to begin for the day. But that gets delayed because, since I had just responded to my morning email, people reply. So I get caught up in that. Throughout the day, I search for anything that I'm even remotely interested in on Google (some recent examples - "dvd monkey magic", "fame" - as in the tv show, "frito pie", "stack of pancakes", "vw bus", and "yoga retreat"). And, yes, I blog.

I hate my job. Well, hate is a little strong a word. I'm not too proud of it. I don't make very much money at all, and I work in the borough of Queens, in a fairly residential area. It takes me over an hour to get here in the morning from Brooklyn on the subway. There's a shorter way, but it's unreliable, indirect and just an all-around pain in the ass, so I prefer taking the extra time. I feel like I'm working at Taco Bell when I should be in a job I enjoy, and in Manhattan. I didn't finish college, nor was I in it very long. I moved out as soon as I graduated high school, so I was busy trying to support myself and go to school at the same time. I focused on work more than my studies because I found that my landlord wouldn't accept my college credit as rent. So I have myself to blame, sort of, but I see positively stupid people in reasonable jobs. I like to think I'm sort of bright. Why can't I move on? I know the job market is difficult and all, but there have been plenty of companies turning down my resume because I didn't fit their criteria. I'm probably aiming too high. In any case, I'm ashamed of myself. I get beet red when anyone asks me about my job. I feel like less than a human being.

2002-05-21T13:30:00.000-07:00

Had a great time last night with C. She came by and hung out for a while with me and T. We're all going to the movies tonight. Unfortunately it's a late movie (10pm, I'm such an old lady!!) and I'm sleepy, but I'm sure we'll get all rowdy and I'll wake up. At least I hope so, I need to be rowdy.

Now that we've moved everyone wants to check out the new place, more so than pretty much every place I've lived, save for maybe my first apartment, because I moved to the next town over the second I got my high school diploma. That seems to be stirring up my stagnant social life. Let's see, we hosted C last night, going to the movies with C and the new boyfriend tonight, I have to do some crap tomorrow night, so that's not open, thursday we have M & D coming over, and friday nothing really. But we tend to go out at least by ourselves on friday nights, so I'll be out of the house. Saturday we have a Memorial Day picnic, and monday my best friend comes up from NJ. That is so much different than even three weeks ago, where the most excitement I had to look forward to in the week was getting takeout for dinner.

I need to find a bar to go with friends, someplace that is intimate without being somber. I guess living in the city automatically limits that because all the fun bars are crowded. Though dive bars are fun, but I'm kind of sick of them. Call me snobby, but I need to be inspired. Now that I'm friends with C again and my social life is getting a much-needed jumpstart, I think we can do it. I want to get dressed up and meet the girls. Or get back into the sunday brunch thing. Actually, sunday brunch is kind of depressing. It can be the best meal of the day, but it's like you come down off of your brunch high and then you're just stuck in sunday. I like the nighttime, maybe I should just stick with that.

2002-05-20T09:05:00.000-07:00

Moving went sooo well!! I am happier than ever. Well, I'd be truly happy minus twenty pounds, but I plan to work on that. One day at a time.

By the way, the below rants about making out with el hottie are rants only. I don't think of it when he's not around. So don't get the impression that I carry this around with me. I don't. Just when I don't get the good loving at home the way I like it, Mandy gets a little frustrated. That's all. That problem was remedied yesterday. I'm good for a while.

Being in this new apartment makes me feel so wonderful. It's the perfect space. We need to have some stuff up on the walls, and we're working on that. As it is now it's wonderful already, very homey. And living with him is fun. Nothing really new, though, since I basically have been living with him all along. It's just having all this space without the interference of roommates that is new.

2002-05-17T15:41:00.000-07:00

I'm so in love with our new place. Love is so perfect.

I stalked down a former best friend of mine that moved very far away. Found her phone number in the white pages. Knowing her, I didn't think it would make her uncomfortable. And it didn't. But sometimes it's disappointing when you speak to someone you haven't seen in ages just to have them act somewhat indifferently, or just not as enthusiastic as you'd like. Oh well. She's going to be up this way in a couple weeks, so it'll be a lot cooler then.

I found the same was true when he and I announced our engagement. Everyone was like, "Oh, really? Wow. Hey, did you hear (his roommate's band) is playing at the Knitting Factory? Are ya gonna go? I'm not." His friends weren't surprised in the least. My friends that are my age were all floored by the news, but his weren't. We've been together only a year and a half, so it's not like we've had this ridiculously long relationship where it was just expected. I suppose the way we are together - and the way we're always together - kind of made it the obvious next step. I read this book about a woman who got engaged and had the exact same reaction, so apparently I'm not alone in this. But it's still fun, I'm still happy. I just wish next year would hurry up, because I'm too excited.

Happy friday, everyone. I have twenty minutes until I get home. Then I'm making dinner, potato quesadillas. Yummy, right? That's right, no doubt.

Woo...I sure am bored.

2002-05-15T12:33:00.000-07:00

Today, the love of my life is moving us into Cohabitational Headquarters! I have to work, no way to get out of it. Used all of my time for a lengthy vacation to Tokyo. But he has help. I wouldn't let him do all that alone. I am so thrilled to sleep for the first time ever in our new apartment tonight.

Despite all that crazy love happiness, I SO still want to make out with that ultra-sexy boy who works for the facilities department. He held the elevator door for me when I went to pick up the mexican delivery for lunch. When the elevator doors closed, I must have blushed hardcore. All I kept picturing was him coming toward me once the doors closed, planting those full lips of his on mine and have the hottest make-out session ever until we reach the sixth floor (our mutual destination). I felt like it was natural, to the point that I was trying to think of ways to tell him, "I'm engaged". Well, "I'm engaged" does it pretty well, huh.

I feel like the embodiment of any of the Cosmo "Ten tips that will make your sex life sizzle", in that it has always seemed too trite to discuss and something I've never heard anyone other than on tv or in magazines talk about, but he just doesn't do it for me when we knock the boots. It's because he, well...gets down before I do. And when my partner is finished, I'm finished. I have a mental switch that immediately shuts off when he comes. But I need to satisfy my customer, if you know what I mean, nudge, wink, etc.. Not that I'm proposing cheating, by no means do I. As I said above, it feels too trite to even speak of, but maybe it's not after all. I mean, should the incredible hottie ever decide to stick his tongue in my mouth, I can't see myself arguing with that. Even when I thought it was inevitable just now in the elevator, and I was imagining myself telling him I'm unavailable, it was always after the kiss. It's pure lust, but my own sex life is not making me happy as it is. Though I love him too much to let that interfere. I'm turned on, that's the only reason I'm even thinking about it right this second.

2002-05-13T08:10:00.000-07:00

Happy monday...rainy and nasty as it is. This weekend was alright. I feel like I must be gaining weight, so that's on my mind more than usual. Unfortunately, with moving and all, I can't really go foodshopping and I have to use all the free time I have for moving instead of working out. So there goes diet and exercise. Moving will be a little bit of a workout, at least. This week, argh!!! I'm thrilled, though. Just dreading the process.

Mother's Day was nice! We went to Cowgirl Hall of Fame with T's parents and brother. I got slightly drunk, just drunk enough to be sleepy. Had some frito pie. Mmmmm....that place is one of my new favorites.

2002-05-10T08:04:00.000-07:00

Last night was so great! Simple, but great. We saw the Chris Smith documentary Home Movie last night, which was simply great. What's also great is that due to its length (about an hour), it's paired with Heavy Metal Parking Lot! Home Movie had this guy with a completely automated house, and this flaky ladyfriend (sensed a little more than friendship, but they never make that completely clear) whose mother is psychic, and she wants to be an actress or something. So his rooms all move from one part of the house to another, toilets sprout up from what looks like a potted plant, microwaves come out of the wall, etc.. Awesome and frightening at the same time. He doesn't mean any harm, so you can't help but like him. There was also a man living on a houseboat in the Louisiana bayou, who save for killing alligators is pretty fun, a hippie couple and their teenage daughter living in a converted missle silo, and an older woman living in the jungles of Hawaii in her own little treehouse. Inspiring, every second of it.

I think a big part of why we were in such great moods last night was because every person in that movie was happy. They were all doing exactly what they wanted, regardless of any ridicule they may get, though no one goes into that. It's difficult to tell if these people are chastised or not on a daily basis. But they're happy, and the message stuck with us. It's always been an underlying theme with us, but this further proved that it's feasible and attainable.

We bought some reading material, also, and when we find interesting books, we get excited about it. So we had a great day.

Unfortunately, today sees me with a headache that stems from the bridge of my nose, and I feel like I weigh eight million pounds. I feel positively obese. Why will no one support me in wanting liposuction? I'd just be shedding the issue I've had with myself for three quarters of my life. I'd be positively blissful. And now getting married to someone staunchly opposed to the idea, I can't just go off with $3000 (at least) and significantly thinner and be like, "Oh, where was I and why am I so thin? I was out for a very lengthy jog. Why is $3000+ missing from our bank account? Look over there, it's the Sacred Monkey of Bali!" and then run for my life.

Sooo....that means I have to get VERY serious about working out and diet. Starting right about now. Dinner at Sushi Samba tonight. I could eat worse things for dinner. Once we move next week we'll be cooking at home again, and more importantly go food shopping, so we won't be in restaurants nearly as often.

2002-05-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

God, my life is so boring!! I just ate a damn boatload of shrimp mei fun. I also was serenaded on the F train this morning. It was embarrassing. And I really want to make out with this guy at work. I sometimes think that he'd be receptive to it. Not that I would, with a fiancé and all, but I can't help thinking someone is hot. He just fixed my file cabinet. Slobber...

2002-05-07T07:43:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night that I was in Florida, and I was passing by this seafood restaurant that had your usual seafood restaurant decor, with the outside made to look like a shipwreck. The name of the restaurant was Birth Control Halibut Richard.

2002-05-02T15:04:00.000-07:00

There's something kind of fun about being whiny when you're sick, or, for the ladies, you're riding the crimson tide. Both are going on for me, and I'm being whiny. It hurts. I like the idea, though, of going home at the end of the day to get into my pajamas and do whatever makes me feel good.

2002-05-02T09:28:00.000-07:00

Which Lance Bass are you? This is what I got.

2002-04-30T08:13:00.000-07:00

Home from Florida, burnt to a crisp, but happy. I feel like his family is officially mine, too.

So Titty emailed me to hang out and have some dinner and watch a movie sometime soon. I don't even know why I held this grudge. I'm not very good at it. Needless to say, I've accepted. And I look forward to it!

2002-04-24T09:26:00.000-07:00

I wish I had a best friend, outside the boy. I mean, yeah, he's my best friend, but we're the same person practically, so I can still find myself a little lonely. I'm bored a lot, too. Not to insult anyone, but our current circle of friends is pretty stagnant, just in that there's no one really new there. Mr. seems to resent friends now, for some reason (then he's really going to appreciate the suprise get-together I've planned for his birthday tonight!), and I want him to break free of that. I miss having the type of friendship I had with Titty. That's NOT to say I miss her as a friend! Nothing could be further from the truth. I miss having a friend to get stoned with, complain about the stupid shit in our lives, make prank phone calls, I don't know. I think I can have that with other people, but I never meet anyone. At work I'm not close to anyone, and it's not like I meet girls at the gym. Other than that, there's no place for me to meet friends. I think I'm in that stage in life where the grown-ups start shedding their friends in the name of marriage. I never quite understood it until now, that's it's not really a choice, but it's like losing baby teeth. It's just going to happen.

Here's to swimming upstream.

2002-04-22T13:23:00.000-07:00

Oops. I don't think I'll be registering, actually. Saw some cool plates, but we don't really need anything more than that. Or want, really. I always hate telling people what to get me for gifts, and thought it would be a good idea for the wedding. But I maintain my belief, and I think I'll simply suggest color and style.

2002-04-22T13:06:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to Abby and Craig, and their new baby on the way!! Abby said she had a dream last month (and we haven't spoken in a long time) where I was pregnant. She was expecting me to have an announcement when we spoke last night! Well, other than my getting married. She out big-news-ed me. This wedding thing seems like such small potatoes lately. We're basically married as it is, and this whole party thing is going to be great, but it's a year away.

...and I'll be registered for my shower at the Knot.com, for those of you who are curious.

2002-04-19T14:21:00.000-07:00

question: Is it wrong to resent mr.'s parents for constantly wanting to see us? He's a bit of a mama's boy, and we are ALWAYS with them. I've seen them a lot lately, and it's just like, enough already! Nice people, but we don't need mommy and daddy around all the time. They see him like every week during weekdays, and want to see us like every weekend, too. Granted, we've been seeing my parents a lot, too, but not nearly as much as his. My parents are coming up to take us out to lunch for his birthday, which is next week, but we're going to see his grandmother the next day in florida (with his parents), hence the lunch this weekend. So they supposedly have an engagement gift for us from a friend of theirs, and so they want to have dinner with us now on the same day!!! I mean, we're spending four consecutive days with them as it is next weekend, and they've already had dinner together this week. There's no emergency going on right now that we desperately need an ugly vase or a gravy boat.

2002-04-19T09:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, no gym yesterday. Lame excuse, but I forgot my socks. I wore slip-on shoes yesterday. Bah. So of course, today I'm fixated on my fat ass and arms. But I'm still at 130, so that's not bad. It's by no means overweight. But I do need to tighten up. Especially if I want to be a pretty bride.

Last night I was talking with mr. and b. diddy over dinner at home. B brought up the object of my anger and annoyance. Let's call her Titty, for lack of a better name. So his ex-lady/best friend or whatever has decided to move back to nyc, and set her sights on the apartment she had offered to Titty upon her decision to move cross-country. Titty's roommate is taking mr.'s room in the apartment, so ex-lady nicely asked to take his room. After all, it was originally her apartment, and she helped Titty out. Titty had the balls to say NO, and gave some horribly lame excuse like, "My (morbidly obese nasty) cat (that I make fatter by the day) is very territorial.." and gave some other stupid reasons also. So the ex-lady is, rightfully so, fuming, and wants her dead. Well not really, but you know how ladies can be. Titty was justified in some respects, because there would have been a huge personality conflict, as well as meat vs. vegan conflict (guess who's who...), but she could have just said, "Sorry, the room is taken." The point of this is that now I have someone who hates her as much as I do. My hatred is calming down, but I still feel it. I guess ending our friendship finally helps. I don't even think she knows why I stopped talking to her. This recent move of selfishness and ungratefulness is typical of her, so I totally side with the ex-lady on this one. I do understand both sides, but I'm biased on this one. So b-diddy and I were talking about hating people, and I don't like hating anybody. It's uncharacteristic of me. mr. doesn't like it, either, probably because he maintains a hint of friendship with her (she emailed him once to say hello and brag about her ugly rocker boyfriend who lacks in personality completely, and they talked for a second at halcyon), but he agrees with how I feel. Just not to the degree at which I feel it. So I got b's perspective on it. He's friends with her, but I think we're closer. Anyway, he said that it's fun to hate people sometimes, but this isn't fun anymore. It's draining. Not in a, "I really miss her, I wish we could just stop this" way, but in more of an "I wish I could show her up when I run into her" kind of way. Like how it is when you see an ex.

That's a huge part of my feeling toward her. She always lands on her feet. She's quitting her job every five seconds, and gets these fun jobs, or just better than what I have, and now she's doing what she wants to. I don't envy her life except for that. And her weight, but everyone says I'm smaller than her. I'll never understand that, but people say it to me like I'm crazy - like comparing myself to Nell Carter, but I guess I'll take it. The difference is minimal if it exists.

My job is lame. I make a pretty sorry paycheck, but it pays the bills. B gave me a pep talk yesterday which made me feel good, pointing out that at my age (23) everyone in our circle of friends was in crappy jobs, worse than mine in some cases. But they moved up as they gained experience and headed toward what they wanted to do. So I've realized that I'd like to learn graphic design, which I will try to teach myself when I can afford the programs. The move is proving expensive, so when we're settled I'll get them. I often forget how young I am, and tend to compare myself to people ten years my senior. So I shouldn't be so hard on myself. Titty is about six years older, not to mention a college graduate, so it's sort of unfair. I just hate competing, yet I thrive on it. Maybe it's a blessing. Keeps me motivated, I guess.