Just Let Go

Till Then

2009-11-10T23:23:00.002+08:00

It's almost an hour past midnight and I'm still wide awake. I really should be sleeping by now for I have an early day tomorrow. But it seems no matter what I do, I just can't sleep. I can hear the clock tickin' and the silence makes me want to scream. I've been trying so hard to ignore these feelings, for the past months I feared about confronting my heart... but I guess, I cannot prolong the agony anymore.

My heart is breaking and thoughts of you are racing through my head. Love is the last thing I need right now. I thought I already succeeded in forgetting about you but then why does my heart still longs for you? I thought that time will let me heal the broken heart you caused me, but I guess there are deep wounds that even time cannot heal.

I know it wasn't your fault. I was the only one to blame. I cannot make your heart love me and I just can't force you to feel the same way. Maybe I'm just not the one for you but you are definitely the one for me...

I'm not sure about where these feelings will take me but all I know is that maybe someday, it'll still be the two of us...

Till then.

If I Was The One

2009-11-10T23:13:00.001+08:00

I see the way you care for her, the way you talk to her, the way your face lit up whenever she’s around. I feel the way you love her, and its making me sad. I wanna be happy for you just like any good friend should feel but I can’t help but thinking what if I was the one, could you be any happier? There’s nothing I can do, I am just a friend who is willing to love you, to care for you and I can’t go on pretending that I’m not hurting because your heart didn’t choose to love me. Is this how our story ends? Believe me, I tried fighting these feelings, tried to hide it but I guess it’s too late now I am in love with you, my best friend.

If I was the one you love. There’ll be no more tears of sorrow, only tears of joy. If I was the one by your side, you’ll never have a lonely night. If I was the arms you were embracing, I’ll give you so much love you’ll never ask for more. If I was the one in your life, I can’t even begin to tell you how beautiful our lives would be. If I could just have one wish, I’d wish you were mine. I would hold you near, kiss away your tears and love you like no other. You are the one for me, can I be the one for you?

You will never be mine. I guess it is simply not meant to be. She is there in your life and she holds your heart. The lonely nights I spent alone while you share your nights with her, this ain’t feel right. A friend is all you can see in me and I try to be just a friend but my heart knows otherwise you are more than just a friend to me. My heartbreaks every time you talk about her, my heart bleeds when you run to me and seek for advice. Am I betraying our friendship knowing that deep inside my heart I am wishing that you see me the way you see her.

If only I could be the one for you like you are the one for me. If I could just ask Cupid to make you love me, if I can be more than just a friend to you. I want to be beside you, to be near you, to reach you. Sometimes I wanna scream "I Love You" out loud. There are times I pray, that I’ll find the strength to tell you all the feelings that I try to hide. The raging emotions that’s been bursting in my head and hurting my heart. We are just friends and that’s enough for me. I’ll rather have your friendship than have nothing at all. But still I can’t help but wondering all the could’ve been if I was the one in your life.

Missing You

2009-11-10T23:11:00.000+08:00

It seems lately I have been longing for a lost love... I hate to cling on to memories and I don't want to let myself be drown with a love that's no longer mine. I really thought I am completely over him, I always believed that I had moved on and had forgotten him then why am I suddenly missing him... I don't think I still love him, it just can't be..

I guess, it's only right to miss him once in a while, after all he used to be a big part of my life and although I am trying so hard not to feel any regrets that we're no longer together a part of me just wants to turn back time and have him once again...

Home Protection

2009-08-22T07:17:00.001+08:00

Is your home protected from robberies or even fire? We can never really foresee the awful things that could happen to our cherish home and we must always be secured that if anything happen to it we can still be protected. It is important to have a home insurance that will help you have a peace of mind and sleep soundly as we all needed.

Career Choice

2009-08-18T10:27:00.001+08:00

My brother recently quits his job as a graphic artist because it does not pay well and he is not enjoying himself at that company. Although I know it was a risk resigning from that job because he might have a hard time finding another job but I fully supported him because I think you should be enjoying yourself while working and you should be compensated enough for your work. He is thinking of getting into call center outsourcing because the job pays well but I don't think that is his area so I suggested to find a job that he can grow as a person, and hopefully he 'll take my advise.

Anywhere But Here

2009-08-18T09:42:00.001+08:00

There is nothing I want more than to be somewhere else. I am terribly bored in staying here at home for so long and I just want to be away and travel my heart out. I dream of being in a hotel just like the hotels in miami florida and feel the luxury and comfort of being there. I also would want to stare at the magnificent beaches of the area and enjoy myself in the terrific nightlife. Goodness, when can I ever leave home.

Moving Away

2009-08-17T18:54:00.000+08:00

Are you looking for a new life? or maybe you want to move in another place that will help you move on and let go of some of the things that you must left behind. Moving is not easy but with the help of moving companies Los Angeles you can easily get your things without a hassle and moving will not be as difficult as you thought so.

Turn Back Time

2009-08-17T18:06:00.001+08:00

Time is something we cannot turn back, some precious moments can never be replayed but thank goodness we have camcorders. Now, we can have souvenirs of those important time in our lives and we can have it recorded and played over and over again. It is true that we can never turn back time but at least now we can somehow save some of it.

I'm in love!

2009-08-16T22:00:00.000+08:00

I'm in love! I just wish I could blurt it out but I can't, I don't wanna tell a lie. I am no way near on being in love but I have to admit that there is someone very special in my heart right now, although I just know that love should be the last thing in my heart right now. Love remains to be elusive for me, or maybe it is simply not meant for me. There is so much going on in my heart right now, I am missing someone and he is hurting me and yet he's just not aware of the tears he's bringing to my eyes. When I saw him a few days back, I don't know whether to turn away or let our paths crossed but I just can't bring myself to be near him so I decided to just stare at him from a distance and I could feel my heart breaking all over again... my heart whispered when he started walking away, "there goes the one I love..." I looked at him until the last strand of his hair is out of my sight and I'll be content to remember that memory until the day I can see him again.

My heart is breaking, and there is nothing I can do about it.

A Bit Gloomy

2009-06-10T08:23:00.001+08:00

For the past few months I have been suffering a lot because of my illness. It started last June of 2008 when I was stricken with Herpes Zoster in my right forehead which extended in my right eye that almost lead me to blindness. The headache back then was intolerable, I had to have my pain reliever with me every time and what’s annoying besides the awful look on my face was the four kinds of eye drop that I have to put in my eyes…

This is how I look like after some blisters are starting to dried out, it was so awful and painful, and it took so long before the blisters left my face I had to put a lot of face concealers just to look presentable.

After the Herpes Zoster I was able to live normally again, it was in August when I went to Singapore and for once I was able to enjoy myself together with my college friends…

After that wondrous trip, I went back to work and do all the things that I wanted to do.. September was fine but when October came I had to be hospitalized again because of my kidneys…

October is my favorite month because of my birthday but during this month I wasn’t able to walk and I have to wear a mask everywhere I go. My mom also got me a personal nanny that I found annoying because it made me feel helpless.

Months passed by and everything was starting to be normal again, I was able to do the things I love and I was happy. I feel normal once more despite having a nanny (which is not bad after all) I was enjoying myself and I’ve been going out with friends on my own again, traveling to Manila on my own and going to work in Makati on my own. It was a nice feeling although I have to wear a mask everytime, it doesn’t matter I just want to be out in the house.

March came and I was in high spirits, it was the last week of our Bible class in three public schools so I was busy preparing for farewell parties. I was also busy attending our church gatherings and I am also preparing for my mom’s secret surprise party… which turned out to be a blast and my mom was so overwhelmed and happy. But it was the night when I insisted on going with my church buddies to go to MV Doulos the ship bookstore, I always love to go there and I will never miss it for the world…

MV DOULOS the largest, oldest floating bookstore in the world

It was after climbing the upper deck that I felt the pain in my right thigh but I dismissed it right away because I want to pretend I am fine because I know my church friends are starting to worry because it’s getting late and the butterfly markings in my face are starting to appear but I told them I am fine. The next day I got a high fever, I was chilling and I had a terrible nausea and I couldn’t eat anything… Before I know it I was already being confined in the hospital…

April came and I’ve been sick the whole time but at least I was able to stand and walk, I can also go wherever I want as long as I have my nanny with me but the endless medicines are killing me…

It was May 16, when my nephrologist decided it was time for me to be admitted again, because my right thigh is swelling like a 5 gallon water tank and it’s so heavy I cannot walk anymore. It was also so in flame because it was so red and hot. It was also so painful that by merely touching it will bring me to tears. I underwent xray, ultra sound, duplex scan but to no avail… my doctors still couldn’t find what’s with my right thigh. After that I underwent Biopsy which had pure pus cells alone and the MRI confirmed that I have no tumor, it was only pus cells that’s inside my right thigh and they decided to operate right away. But I have a low hemoglabin and I needed 4 bags of blood, my mom texted everybody she knows because we needed 8 people to donate blood. It seems impossible at first to find people to donate but in just hours our church pastors came, some of our friends too and the people that came to donate was way beyond our expection. That night two bags of blood was transfused and I was scheduled for an operation the next day…

Honestly, I was scared it was my first time to undergo a general anesthesia and I’m not quite sure of what to expect.

The next day, it was around 10:30 when I was fetched in my room and the operating people prepared me for the operation, I could see my mom worried eyes and I feel like crying. The operation was scheduled at 1pm, I’m not sure what happened in between those hours but the next thing I knew it was already 3pm and I was being brought to the recovery room.. It was like I’m in a twilight, I know what happened but I’m not sure, I wanted to speak but there are no words, I told myself do I have amnesia…nope I still know everything I should know but why do I feel like I’m floating… I closed my eyes and fell asleep, it was already 4pm and I finally asked the nurse when can I go back in my room, he said in a little while and I asked him if I can drink water but he said I’m not yet allowed to drink water… so I closed my eyes again anthis time I prayed…

I was released two weeks after and it was a terrible experience. Right now I’m in wheelchair absolutely helpless and I couldn’t even sit on my own let alone stand and walk. I am such a burden to everyone and I just hate every moment that I have to lay down wait for someone to lift me up and carry me to the wheelchair. I even need my mom to dress me up, to bathe me and everything else. I’m losing hair too, not only my weight is starting to drop within normal and my hemoglabin is too low that I have to be injected thrice a week. I also take 10 different medicines in the morning, 5 at lunch time and 10 at bedtime. Being confined in this wheelchair until my operation heals is way too much for me. I feel helpless and I want to tell myself not to lose hope that somehow there will some better days but during my time of pain I just find it hard to believe. There are thoughts in my head that what if I’ll never get better that I’ll be stuck in this wheelchair forever or what if I’ll be such a burden with everyone that they would turn their backs on me eventually. I’m not sure of what the future holds but it’s a bit gloomy for now…

Long Absence

2009-05-08T12:02:00.000+08:00

I can't believe that it's been over a month since I last posted in this blog, I guess I'm just not in the mood to write anything about love and I simply don't want to entertain any mushy emotions right now. I am still very sick and love is the last thing on my mind, I guess I have to get over Lupus first before I can actually be inspired to open my heart again. I have been sick way too long and I've lost too much weight already, who says I need diet pills to be fit, I cannot fit into my clothes now but honestly, I'm not happy about it. I just want to get well and get back to my normal life.

Technology Evolving

2009-05-08T11:51:00.000+08:00

Can you still remember the time when cell phones, internet, and satellite TV never existed? Can you still picture yourself not texting or sending emails or even watching live stream videos? Goodness...

I have to admit that I cannot imagine myself not having access to my laptop especially not going online. I recently updated my hard drives to make it more faster and efficient.

Technology keeps on evolving and that's just the way it should be.

Weekend Snapshot #36

2009-03-23T10:44:00.000+08:00

It's been a while and I miss all of you weekenders. My weekends for the past few months were not as interesting as it should because I've been sick with my longest Lupus flare ever. I am still sick but slowly I am getting better. I hardly go out with my friends anymore because I still can't travel on my own but my family is always with me and last weekend was spent with my cousins, nephews and nieces. The summer heat is getting worse each day and there's no better way to beat it than go on a fabulous swim.

The water was so refreshing and the kids and the adults enjoyed every minute of it, I did!

So how was your weekend?

To Love Again

2009-03-22T17:01:00.003+08:00

Life is a game. Sometimes we miss and get hurt, but that doesn't mean that we can never find love again.

This is a part of a letter from a friend when I was heartbroken and I just remembered her very words life doesn't end when heartaches begin, it only ends if we close our hearts and give up on love. It is difficult to forget someone, to let go of the memories that you shared with that person and to leave behind the dreams that you made together. One can easily say that its over and we must move on but how easy could that be when it is the last thing you'll ever want.

Letting go is a slow process, it takes time and it is a journey that must be taken on your own. Acceptance is the key and do not force yourself to forget someone precious to you because the truth is you can never forget, you simply get used to the fact that he is no longer part of your life. Don't be a prisoner of a past love, don't waste your time mourning over someone that's not meant for you.

Life is short, live it well and try to be happy!

Blooming Flowers

2009-03-22T16:40:00.002+08:00

This is so true...

I just hope we have Spring here, I just love blooming flowers.

You Are Blooming Flowers

You are an optimistic person by nature. In even the darkest times, you are hopeful about the future.

You feel truly blessed in life and can sometimes be overwhelmed with emotions.

You have an artist's eye. You are always looking for beauty in the mundane.

You have a good sense of aesthetics, especially when it comes to shapes and color.

What Part of Spring Are You?

Single Ladies

2009-03-22T16:22:00.001+08:00

"All the single ladies please circle around for the bouquet throwing"

I'm ranting, just how many more times do I have to put myself into that situation. I hate it when people assume that I have to get every bouquet in every wedding I attend to just to assure them that I'll somehow get married. Well, not anytime soon.

I attended a wedding again and everyone was so surprised that I lost a lot of weight. Some of them thought I was in some kind of diet plan or medication and even exercising Kettlebell. Well, I'm not really sure why I am losing weight but I definitely feel good about it. Now, if only I can feel good about attending weddings.

Have a great Sunday!

Shopping on Sale

2009-03-22T16:10:00.000+08:00

I love to shop and there's nothing that can stop me from shopping not even the financial global crisis. But of course, I try to be sensible now when it comes to buying stuff and I try to save by finding cheaper fabulous items that are on Sale. You can find practical items online that can save you more money because in a way they are more cheaper.

A Soulful Relationship

2009-03-14T01:10:00.003+08:00

A Soulful Relationship
by Reverend Ronald McFadden

If you're not married yet, share this with a friend. If you are married, share it with your spouse or other married couples.. and reflect on it.

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye." Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really important.

Once you decide to commit to someone, over time their flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious.

If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you.

You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. You are two unique individuals who have decided to share a life together. Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best of each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare, and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?

You can't take someone to the altar to alter him or her. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life", you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness, and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship.

Seeking status, sex, wealth, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship. What keeps a relationship strong? Communication, intimacy, trust, a sense of humor, sharing household tasks, some getaway time without business or children and daily exchanges (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note). Leave a nice message on their voice mail or send a nice email. Sharing common goals and interests.

Growth is important. Grow together, not away from each other, giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure. Allow your mate to have outside interest. You can't always be together. Give each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment. Don't try to control one another. Learn each other's family situation. Respect his or her parents regardless.

Don't put pressure on each other for material goods. Remember for richer or for poorer. If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain replace the passion.

" Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think." The grass withers, the flowers fades, but the word of God stands forever. Isaiah 40:8

Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight. Always try to be a little kinder than is necessary.

The difference between 'United' and 'Untied' is where you put the i.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away!

Looking Good

2009-03-14T00:52:00.003+08:00

I had my monthly check-up last week and my doctor was amazed that I lost a total of twelve pounds in just a month and it's definitely a good thing that I was able to lose weight without taking any weight loss pills and I just love the way I look right now. Although I still have a long way to go before my ideal weight, my goal is to keep losing the weight and stay fit.

There's Still Hope

2009-03-14T00:46:00.002+08:00

With the global economic crisis still hurting most of us and it is always sad to hear that more and more people are losing their jobs. It's definitely alarming and it's not easy losing a job, and with the crisis it's definitely difficult to find another job to sustain your daily expenses. That is why it is refreshing to know that there are still jobs in health care and it's an opportunity for some to still find jobs, there's still hope anyway.

Fashion Eye Glasses

2009-02-20T10:46:00.002+08:00

How would you like to have Prescription eyeglasses for only $8!. Yeah, it's an amazing and incredible offer from Zenni that it even created headlines... Zenni Optical in the New York Times?! Cutting off the middlemen, that's the key of their affordable yet fashionable eye glasses that can help you with your vision. It's Seeing Straight Without Breaking Bank, the timing couldn't be so right, isn't it?

Complicated Love

2009-02-18T09:27:00.000+08:00

Love is truly complicated! I always wanted to know why we keep on loving the ones who caused us pain. Was the hurt not enough to stop loving that person? I guess, we cannot truly understand what love is all about no matter how much we try. It is something that we will never fully comprehend. If only you can teach your heart to stop loving, but that's just wishful thinking. Our heart has a mind of its own and we have no control over it.

Have a nice day everyone!

Health is Wealth

2009-02-18T09:17:00.001+08:00

I have no idea about Mesothelioma, it is only when I researched in the internet that it is an asbestos-caused cancer. Who would have thought asbestos can cause this type of cancer. We really should be careful these days because of the radical pollution, our food intake can cause serious damage to our health without our knowledge. We should always take care of everything we do to our body because truly health is definitely our greatest wealth.

I'm Not In Love

2009-02-14T16:37:00.001+08:00

While everyone else is all giddy about love I'm not. Well, it's no wonder because love is farthest thing in my mind right now. But I'm not at all bitter or cynical about love, I'm just not a big fan of valentine's day. I think it's overly commercialized.

I do miss being in love. Whenever I see couples holding hands while walking, I sometimes wonder if I'll ever feel that excitement again. It's been so long since I've really been in love and sometimes I feel I had forgotten how it feels like to love someone and be loved by someone. It seems that love remains to be an elusive dream for me, something so real to me but somehow I just can't take a grasp on it.

I'm not in love right now, but who knows maybe tomorrow...

Happy Valentine's

2009-02-14T16:15:00.002+08:00

I may not be too excited about this date but I don't mind spending this day to the ones I love. It's really been a long time since I celebrated valentine's day with someone but I have to say I'm not bitter and I'm not at all cynical about it. I'm quite sure you'll find a lot of couples spending this day in luxury hotel rooms and this day maybe too commercialized but love should be celebrated however which way.