Dr. Hull's Blog: Adventures in Life-Shifting!

Notification Of Payment By ATM Interswitch Master Credit Card

2009-07-10T15:20:00.000-04:00

FROM THE DESK OF MRS.VALDA MEYERS

REPRESENTATIVE OF THE ECONOMIC &

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(EFCC) FOREIGN OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT,

NIGERIA PLC.

LAGOS-NIGERIA.

Notification of payment by ATM Master Credit Card.

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Dr. Jeffrey Hull's Blog has Moved!

2008-11-24T10:14:00.003-05:00

Thank you for your interest in my blog and Life-Shifting! Please follow me over to my new blog on wordpress (http://lifeshifting.wordpress.com) where you will find new posts and all my past articles archived. You will be redirected automatically in just a moment.

7 Tips for Surviving (and Thriving) During a Recession

2008-11-11T09:43:00.022-05:00

Everywhere I look these days I see "tips" for how to navigate the rough waters of the economic tsunami. Some of the advice is useful. Much of it, as you might expect, centers on how to manage what's left of our finances during the downturn, how to not make short term blunders at the expense of long term wisdom. And even though all the cards and letters from my broker and banker and real estate agent can be a bit overwhelming at times, I'm happy to have the experts out there--at the very least--reminding me to stay calm...and stay the course (e.g. do NOT sell your 401K stocks now!).

But the onslaught of advice also prompts me to pause and reflect on the bigger question: how to we stay centered and grounded in the midst of major change? Given that the focus of all my work--and my "Life-Shifting" methodology--is on helping people to become more masterful at handling fear in the midst of change, I thought I'd weigh in on the counsel parade.

So...here's seven steps that I'm taking to weather the storm. I offer these tips to my clients and friends and would really love to hear from fellow journeyers: what do you think of my list? What's your magic formula for sailing upright and with an even keel when confronted with a hurricane of grand proportions? I'm all ears!

Number 1:

Make Small Things Big. In my last post I wrote specifically about finding joy in the seemingly mundane. It is in the minutiae of everyday living where meaning is found. Create quality time to be with friends and family; hug your pet a bit more often; think about the friend who makes you laugh, and seek him/her out; Make a list of fun activities that are FREE: walk in the park, roll in a pile of leaves (ok, I admit I've got a yard full of leaves to get rid of right now); read a great novel; re-learn how to play Parcheesi; start an online photo album and re-live memories from the good times (the Clinton years?).

Number 2:

Invest, but only in yourself. Now may not be the best time to be hanging on the investment advice of every pundit on CNBC. Now may be the time to let go of the habit of checking on your retirement account every few hours. Now is still a great time to invest, but instead of spending what little extra cash you may have on stocks or bonds (or heaven forbid options or puts!), spend that money on YOU. Learn a new hobby (I'm thinking of taking up knitting!), take a class or even a whole series of classes in something you've always wanted to learn--maybe cooking, or a new language, or web design, or pottery.

Don't think about the investment as a new career. Think of something you've always wanted to learn but maybe haven't taken the time. Resiliency in difficult times is based on having an ever expanding portfolio of skills--and what you love to do, you'll do best.

Number 3:

Connect to Community. I believe that the number one contributor to depression and anxiety in times like these is isolation. When in fear-mode, many of us tend to withdraw and hide-out. Alone time is important, of course, but disconnecting from people can be deadly. On the other hand, being a socialite can be isolating as well. We've all come across those lonely souls who prefer to hide-out in a crowd. Manhattan, or any large city, can be a lonely place, even when your surrounded by seven million of your closest friends.

The key to avoiding isolation--in a group or on your own--is finding community. Look for"meet up" groups, or spiritual groups, or hobby groups--the key is to find people with similar interests and values, a place where you can let your hair down and feel safe just to be you. And I don't recommend putting all your eggs of vulnerability in the basket called "family". Often, family is fraught with complexity and emotional baggage. Friends, even like-minded acquaintances, can be a safer bet in these anxious times. That's why community groups are so crucial: you never know when you may just meet the person who will change your life...for the better.

Number 4:

Share the Wealth. Joe the Plumber and the diatribes linking Obama to Socialism notwithstanding, a key foundational principle of America has always been thus: giving is getting. As Republican as I can sometimes be -- especially in my belief in self-sufficiency and self-reliance -- it is cynical and downright anti-American to talk about "spreading the wealth" as if it were some anachronistic tenet of Marxist orthodoxy. In the midst of the "Joe the Plumber" epic drama, did you ever wonder if Bill Gates started re-thinking whether he should give $500 million to "spread" his wealth and wipe out malaria? I doubt it. So maybe you and I don't have $500 million or even $500 to spare these days...but the quantity of sharing is not the point: giving back IS.

Number 5:

Think Long Term. Did you ever notice that economic cycles, like the average life span of an American (or foreign--there ain't no difference any more!) car, tend to run in 5-8 year increments? I'm not a numerologist, astrologer or futurist, but even an every day psychologist can see that most major change cycles happen approximately every seven years. If you look back on your life and think in terms of 5-8 year cycles, you will likely see major changes--in relationships, careers, your kids development, etc. That's why when I support clients in crafting a vision for the future, I recommend they think about the next GREAT DECADE.

Let yourself fantasize thus: it is ten years from now, where are you? Where do you live? What do you do? Who are you with? Looking back over the past ten years (from ten years hence), how has your life changed? Ten years from now, every cell in your body will have died and been replaced. You will be brand new--so give your new cells a new dream to live into, What is your dream decade ahead?

Number 6:

Live in the NOW. Ok, I know what you're gonna say. How do I think "now" and "long term" at the same time? Well, of course, you don't, right? Well, think again. The key is balance. Finding time to craft a decade long vision is important because, as Obama might well advise, it keeps hope alive. Thinking about a bright future over the long haul is a special human gift. We are the only animals on the planet that dream dreams and make them come true! On the other hand, living entirely in the future is a recipe for disaster. We also need to learn to be awake in the present: to live in the NOW. For this practice, I recommend learning to meditate and doing yoga. Read my past blogs on this subject. Read Eckart Tolle's The Power of Now. Read Jon Kabat-Zinn's Wherever You Go There You Are. Go out and learn a little pranayana(those Hindi's KNOW how to breathe!).

Number 7:

Reconnect with Nature. I know that this one may sound a bit obvious. I am not the first to recommend that being in nature is soothing, healing, and grounding. We all know the importance of staying connected to the great outdoors, of respecting, relishing and rejuvenating our spirits in the exultation of mountain vistas, pristine forests and moonlit sand dunes. But do you know why nature is such a tool for healing?

Think about it: what are the most profound reminders of fundamental truths? Where do we look when we forget that "everything happens in cycles", "life IS change", a few years is a "blip on the screen of eternity"? Trees. Mountains. Rocks. Flowers. Beaches.

They know what we forget: that all things ripen and transform in time; that life is short, sweet, mysterious...and remarkable. We need them--and in times like these--a daily dose may be just what the doctor ordered. Always available, always free...and no side effects.

So there you have my personal "seven steps to serenity" -- or should I say "sanity" for these tumultuous times. Of course, this is just a starting point. There are hundreds more things we can all do to stay centered, grounded, and even happy as the storm passes. In fact, I just got a "hot tips" list in the mail from my insurance agent. Probably wants me to buy more insurance...but...you never know. I guess I won't just throw it away like I usually do...

Cheers,

Dr J

When Small is BIG

2008-11-10T09:29:00.011-05:00

Well, it has been almost a week since what I like to call the big "Shift" in America, truly a collective "life-shift" if there ever was one. I don't know about you but I'm still glowing with the feelings of hope, joy and possibility that Obama's election and the historic collective shift in consciousness may mean for our country...and the globe.

Interesting tidbit though: do you know what the single most talked about topic has been on the blogs and Obama's website since his acceptance speech? Economic downturn? No. Ending Iraq war? No. New Cabinet appointees? Nope. Surprise: the single most talked about thing in the world of "all things Obama" has been what kind of puppy will be gifted to his two young daughters as they transition to life in the big house. A puppy? Not economic tsunamis and wars?

That's right, the puppy. It seems that in the midst of the most historic event perhaps in our lifetimes, what the world cares about is something small. Something mundane. Yet, are we really surprised? When it comes right down to it, even in the midst of huge cataclysmic life shifts--collective or personal--what often really bubbles to top-o-mind for most of us is the small stuff, the little, touching, moving, connective tissues that remind us of what really matters: puppies matter. Daughters matter. Hugs and cuddles and licks on the face...they really matter.

At the end of the day, what gives meaning and purpose to life is the little things. The things that remind us of our inherent humanity, the things--like love of cuddly puppies--that bring all the big woes of the world back down to earth and remind us that we are all really the same, that we are all simply human beings living on a tiny dirtball spinning in space...and that life is a mystery.

Watching President-elect Obama give his firt press conference, to the world, as it were--since every eye on the planet is clearly on him these days--I was once again, as I have been often watching him during the campaign, impressed and moved by his groundedness and humility. He's just a regular guy, with his head on straight (hopefully, it will stay that way!), and his priorities in order: puppies first, saving the world, second.

He knows, as we all know, if we stop and reflect for a moment, that where true meaning is found in life is in the small, everyday moments; moments when we come face to face with the mystery and wonder and blessings of being alive: in the glowing, innocent face of a new-born puppy. The miracle of life.

In my line of work, I'm often asked to help clients make the big shifts--to find a purpose in life with a capital "P". There are endless articles and books written about how crucial it is to have a purpose, a goal, a reason to get out of bed in the morning. This is all to the good, but sometimes I think that our goal and purpose-oriented culture misses the boat: what we all really want in life is not just purpose, but MEANING--to feel that being alive has depth, that we are not isolated and alone but touched and connected; to belong.

So in keeping with the President-elect's top priorities: just for today let's not worry too much about having a grand purpose or goal in life. Instead, look around at your life and take a meander through the mundane. Take an inventory of what you find most touching, meaningful, and moving in your life. I bet it won't be a grand, eloquent, or audacious goal for making big money or changing the world (not that there is anything wrong with either!), but more likely it will be the smile across the table from you spouse after you bring her/him coffee, or the grateful meow and leg rub you'll get from the kitty who you just fed, or the heart-warming chuckle you'll feel when a pal sends you photos of his son's first Halloween costume. You get the idea.

Purpose is fine, but meaning is what counts. Purpose is for a life time, meaning is for moments. And, at the end of the day, moments are all we really have.

Small moments, big joy. A simple formula, for a day, for life.

Ok, gotta run...kitty whining.

Dr J

Jubilation!

2008-11-06T11:21:00.014-05:00

Well, wow! What a historic week. I've normally stayed away from politics in my blogs -- and will continue to do so -- but since Oprah got unleashed this week with the election over, I guess it's ok for me to CELEBRATE publicly as well. So, even though I'm normally an unapologetic Independent in all things political, this week I do feel jubilant. Here's what I wrote to my west coast friends early on the post-election morn:

I found myself tearing up in front of the TV way after Midnight last night here on the East Coast...just watching history unfold before my eyes. I had just gotten off the phone with friends who were cheering and celebrating in Times Square...and I could feel the sense of elation and camaraderie and connectedness that was alive in the air-- breaking through the tyrannical shroud of fear that we have lived under for 8 long years--with thousands of people just over-flowing in the streets: jubilant and exultant that AMERICA finally got it right!!!

I too, am hopeful again... for our little ones who, when they grow up to vote for president, will no longer think of skin color or any other fear-based "otherness" that has for so long torn us apart. ..and for our friends around the world who had pretty much given up on the U.S. ever being a beacon of human rights, equality and compassion once again. Yahoo...we're back!

So, as you can clearly see...I was very pleased with the outcome of the election. I was moved deeply by the historic nature of the event, and the quality--and qualities--evident in the man who will symbolically, if not literally, lead us out of this dark period in American history. It is time to celebrate.

It is also a rare moment for me in the Adventures in Life-Shifting: I get to write about my favorite stage in the six-stage process of self-renewal: REALIZATION.

Most of the time in this blog, I focus on one of the other five stages in every cycle of major life change: the Rut, the Release, the Retreat, The Revival, and the Rehearsal. For obvious reasons, we all struggle mightily with the fears and anxieties and challenges that accompany being stuck, letting go, re-inventing ourselves and re-committing to new adventures and new behaviors. What I don't get to write about as often as I would like is the great moments of culmination, success, and victory that DO arrive now and again in life.

Sometimes we really do break through a glass ceiling. Sometimes we really do transcend our own limitations and transform our lives. Sometimes we realize our dreams. AND sometimes it is important to stop working long enough to relish the moment!

Truth be told, as moved as I was by Obama's somber and eloquent acceptance speech on Tuesday night, I was also just a tad disappointed. I am hopeful that he went home to Michelle, the kids, and his close pals...and threw a big party, at least for all the tireless workers that carried him along the long, long road to the White House! They--and he--deserve it. I know that pundits were saying that it was "appropriate" and "impressive" that he avoided the triumphal tone of self-congratulation. Ok, I'm all for humility and gratitude. Apple pie and Chevrolet...those are the down home American values. Tried and true.

BUT...

in my experience with clients who reach a pinnacle of accomplishment and achieve hard fought goals: it is important to ENJOY YOUR SUCCESS. Sometimes the puritanical American cultural baggage of our forefathers and mothers makes it supposedly unseemly to really experience the joy, the exultation and the delight in realizing hard fought dreams. To that, I say BAH HUMBUG: let's party!

Far too many of my clients--and I see some of this tendency in myself as well--achieve some goal or dream and never bother to even stop, breathe and relish the moment. They are just on to the next mountain to climb.

I remember calling my client Colette, just after the press release had come out that she had received the job as head of Global HR for a major international bank. I was so happy for her, so proud of her. Here was someone who had been let go from another very senior position in HR with no warning or explanation, in the midst of a divorce, who rallied her spirits and quickly nailed down an even bigger job. I wanted her to celebrate -- to acknowledge herself and her gifts, her hard work, and her perseverance. Her reaction: "oh yeah, I saw the press release but didn't read it. I've got work to do."

OK...I get it. We are a nation of Do'ers. Strivers. Worker drones scurrying around always busy, busy, busy on this dust ball called earth. So I guess I shouldn't have expected to see Obama out there with a big grin and glass of champagne. And he's right, we do have a huge climb to get out of the deep hole of angst, despair, and distress that we've dug ourselves (don't forget, we elected G.W., sort of) for the past 8 years. Nevertheless, for today, for a moment, it is important to celebrate.

So here's my question for the day: do you celebrate your life? Do you feel real joy--lasting joy--in your accomplishments?

We are not talking about boasting or ego-stroking or putting others down here. We are talking about celebrating the miracle of transformation--in this country, in ourselves.

So, in unbelievable gratitude for the miracle of a new, black, proud and unvarnished voice that has arrived on the American scene -- in a defining moment of history -- I suggest that we all step back, take a breath, and embrace the realization of a true shift in collective consciousness! We now know that anyone, of any color, of any race, of any creed, really can become the leader of the free world. Not, of course, without a whole lot of hard work, talent, grit and determination--not to mention a crack campaign team, but it IS possible.

Humanity really is sometimes a marvelous machine of possibility. Evolution is nothing if not a series of unheralded, natural, mystical leaps in the dark. But humans--creatures of natural selection though we may be--are different: we can turn on the lights! We can light up the skies, penetrate the depths of the universe, and pierce through the veil of separation. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

We can jump, as thousands in Times Square, Chicago, Paris, and Kenya, were doing on Tuesday night--for joy!

Yes, we can!

They'll be plenty of time for work when the next Rut stage sets in...but for now:

Oh Happy Day!

Dr J

Tale of Two Floridas

2008-10-30T09:14:00.014-04:00

"If you hold on to the handle, she said, it's easier to maintain the illusion of control. But, it's more fun if you just let the wind carry you." Brian Andreas

Ok, let's get practical. Today I want to share with you two real-life examples of "life-shifting" in action. The stories I'm about to share here are real (the names have been changed to protect the innocent), and I think it is safe to say that their tales of woe in dealing with Florida real estate are not rare--at least not these days! The situations that each of these clients find themselves in are similar. The ways that each deals with FEAR are completely different. Let's see what we can learn from their plight.

This is a tale of two Gary's. Gary #1 is in his early 60's, a semi-retired professional, living in Florida. A few years ago he and a friend became next-door neighbors in the second-home condo world of beachfront Florida real estate. Buying a beautiful top-floor condo right near the water, near the peak of the market, Gary #1 looked at the location, the up-scale developments going up all-around, and decided this was a great time to make a solid investment. He had done well with Florida real estate in the past, and as the market was roaring along on all cylinders, all indicators--beach front, upscale, sought-after location, growing population, good financing, etc.--signaled that this was a no-brainer.

Gary #2 is much younger, mid-30's New York professional, just getting into career planning, 401K's, and investments. He too purchased an ocean front condo--on a different coast--in a fast-growing, affluent neighborhood. He too, got great financing. He too, believed that the market would continue to head up.

Both Gary's thought of themselves as "long term" investors; that is, at least a couple of years! At an upward rate of appreciation in the market of 10% or more each year, both believed that they would make good money if they decided to sell within about 3 years.

We know what happened next. Hurricanes hit Florida all the time, but economic tsunamis are relatively new phenomenon. Mortgage crises, plummeting home prices, foreclosures all around, rising taxes, and few renters...all the worst possible events have occurred.

Jump forward two years. Both Gary's are in shock, anxious and fearful. "Stressed out" would be the phrase I most often hear. For a while they thought the storm would abate, the tide would turn...but the opposite has proven true. With the global financial debacle hitting every corner of the economic globe, the situation in Florida has just gotten worse. Both Gary's find themselves in the "perfect storm"--losing money every month on their mortgages, no renters in sight, no prospects for profit if they sell...and a month is beginning to feel "long term".

The road to Florida riches is paved with good intentions. Both Gary's are great guys. Not crooks, not idiots, not even fly-by-night investors. Given the facts and figures they had to work with at the time, both investments truly looked viable. But, as we now know, no one can predict the future, and the tide simply turned against them. Looking back we might say the storm was inevitable, visible on the horizon. Of course, far enough out on the horizon there is always a storm, and always clear skies as well. What are we gonna get on any given day? Unknown.

So how have my two Gary's fared in the maelstrom? Both have become incredibly anxious, worried--and yes, fearful--that the situation, both emotionally and financially, is not sustainable. Both have felt the tinge of regret, self-recrimination, and self doubt. In Life-Shifting parlance, both have found themselves in a RUT. Stuck: change is required, but fear is in control. We've all been there. Real estate is just a metaphor for life. We all know what it feels like to reach the END of something and be oh-so-reluctant to let go, of a deal, a relationship, a job.

Gary #1, perhaps with the wisdom of years, recognized when fear was taking over. And he did two key things: 1. He talked about it and asked for support; 2. he made the decision to sell; to let go and move on. Gary #2, perhaps due to his naivete and feelings of humiliation upon discovering that this kind of thing can REALLY happen, did the opposite: 1. He told no one (except me); 2. He pretended that all was well (recognize denial in action?: see previous post "Fear Not!?").

Of course, we all know where my story is heading: Gary #1, with the help of a compassionate group of friends and professionals, worked through his fear and regret, made the decision to sell, took a deep breath and accepted the big loss on his balance sheet (very painful!), and moved on. A few months of agony, yes, but release, relief, and peace followed. And, as you might expect, there is good news from Gary #2: he heard about the story of Gary #1 and got the message: he is beginning to shift. He is sharing his story with friends and family, getting advice from professionals and asking for help. Soon, he too, will make a decision and move on. He may need to declare bankruptcy if the property won't sell--even at a loss--but even that, for a hard-working, professional in the prime of his career, is not the end of the world.

Now you may be wondering if I'm writing this story to make Gary #2 look bad. Not at all. I'm writing this story because I think we are all more like Gary #2 most of the time. I know I am. Be honest with yourself: how many times have you stewed on a decision, isolating yourself and holding on to your fear and anxiety about the need to END SOMETHING--an investment gone sour, a relationship over, a job at a dead end? We've all been there. Letting go is hard. BUT it is a necessary part of any cycle of self-renewal.

Everything in life moves in a cycle of birth, growth, death, and re-birth. When we can recognize the cycle as natural, and not let our fear constrict us mentally and emotionally, when we can join the human race and ask for help instead of hiding out, pretending that everyone else has got it handled...well, then we can move through fear, let go of whatever it is that needs to be released--condos, stocks, girlfriends, parents--and get back in the flow of life.

Gary #2 is most of us. Gary #1 is my life-shifting role model; a master teacher in the school of RELEASING FEAR and NAVIGATING LIFE CHANGE. Fortunately, he has not only moved on from the ash heap of burned out condo investments, he is out in the world, sharing his wisdom and insight with others, mentoring those Gary #2's that roam the streets of Florida (and elsewhere) looking like caged animals--anxious, starving for support, alone.

My hat is off to both Gary's. I thank them for the opportunity to learn--to see ourselves in their plight and to see the gift of re-invention in the life-shifting mastery of Gary #1. So...here's the summary point:

If you find yourself in a bad economic situation and over wrought with fear, anxiety and stress, take a lesson from the playbook of Gary #1. Step back, recognize your fear, accept it and move forward. Talk about it with others; ask for help. When you're ready, make a decision and let go....and let GOD.

Dr J

ps. anyone interested in a great deal on a Florida condo...let me know! :)

Step Two: Mind the Gap

2008-10-27T09:31:00.007-04:00

Well, I guess I'm about twenty years too late to join the hip-hop generation, which is too bad because I really like their attitude. Or should I say 'tude. Wassup? Not much, they might say, we're just chillin.

Chillin. Relaxing. Taking it easy. Taking a breather. They're on to something here.

Yesterday, I left off with a long Sunday morning exhale, trying not to leave you feeling too anxious or worried or stressed out to learn that FEAR is a perfectly normal reaction to the way the world is behaving these days. My key point was this: it is not usually the fear itself that causes us to get all tied up in emotional knots, rather it is our denial of it, and our resistance to it, that brings on strife.

The minute we shift our focus from pushing our fears away towards recognition and acceptance of their absolute normalcy, things start to change. We may find ourselves with a little bit more room to breathe, a little more space for creativity and possibility to emerge. AND THEN IT IS TIME TO CHILL!

I have written here before about the difference between reacting and responding to life. In a very practical sense the only difference between the two is space, that brief moment of silence, recognition, awareness that occurs when we respond as opposed to that instantaneous, painful--and sometimes hurtful--lurch of reactivity.

Those vibrant young hipsters who would admonish us to "chill" are pointing the way: the key to releasing our fears once we've recognized and accepted their presence is found in that blessed space between awareness and response, what I'll call the gap. And we find our way into this space by "chillin"--stopping to breathe, to get grounded, to relax a bit, to WAIT before acting until we feel centered again.

Reacting to our stressors--be they the purveyors of bad news on CNN, irritating spouses, demanding bosses--with immediate fight/flight agency (remember the last time you flipped the bird to the driver that cut you off!) just reinforces our fearful state. In our reactive mode, we feel the tightness in our chests, the brow furling, the breath becomes short and halting. We may call it an "attack" of anxiety but in truth the attacker is ourselves: we react to our fearful state by reinforcing it.

Of course, all this talk of chillin is easier said than done. Most of us are habituated to react...and react we do. In our rather out-of-whack society in which action is revered and contemplation is considered a waste of time by many, "minding the gap" is an unusual practice. Meditation helps, but for many, meditation is very difficult, if not impossible. I personally prefer yoga.

The gift of yoga is that while it is a meditative practice, with a focus on centering, breathing, and being present, the whole body is engaged. Yoga offers us the opportunity to experience the spaciousness of presence, not just in the mind, but in the muscles, lungs, fingers and toes--where the energy of fear often lingers, coiled, tight and ready to spring. Whether yoga, meditation, or some other practice--playing music, writing poetry, prayer, etc--we all need to find our way to "mind the gap" -- to find some space between the notes.

Here's my summary thought for yesterday and today's posts. Let's call it the two-step dance for releasing fear: 1. recognize and accept: when your anxiety, stress, worry, and irritation is FEAR in disguise. 2. Mind the gap: create space for the feeling, allow it some breathing room. Take that very crucial moment--and respond rather than react.

So...how you be chillin?

Dr. J

Fear Not!?

2008-10-26T09:59:00.005-04:00

So here we are poised on the edge of a historic week: 79 years ago, on the 28-29th of October, the stock market came crashing down and the Great Depression began. It had been building for weeks, perhaps months, but the ticking bomb of economic calamity finally went off this exact week lo those many years ago, leaving the foundational fabric of American prosperity in tatters for decades to come. Could it happen again? Are you afraid, very afraid?

It strikes me that in the midst of the unprecedented volatility--at least in our lifetimes--of today's political, economic and financial landscape, there is only one constant: FEAR. Whether it is the kind of fear that is actively being used as a tool to win votes (see Republican play book) or the kind of fear that is more covertly spread across the airwaves by newscasters and their financial and political "experts" in the guise of "financial anxiety", stress, and worry, FEAR is the theme of the day. So how does one cope?

Well, as I point out in my upcoming book, Shift it! Let Go of Fear and Get Your Life in Gear, the first step in any coping strategy for fearful times is this: know thy enemy!

Before we can engage with fear in any meaningful way, before we can shift it--and release its power over us--we need to comprehend this paradox: fear is a good thing. That's right. We have to step back, take a deep breath, and get clear on the fact that FEAR is a perfectly normal, totally human, response to uncertainty, unpredictability, and the unknown--otherwise referred to as "life". Fear is designed to protect us.

Fear is something we learned from people who loved us: our parents, our teachers, our friends. As innocent and playful children running around the living room or rolling in the grass, there was nothing to fear: life was pure adventure...fun, fun, fun. BUT...somewhere along the way, for all of us, the REALITY of germs, dangerous doggies, sharp objects, hot stoves (you name it!) came along, and along with these came the parental warnings: "be afraid, very afraid". Of course, protective pundits of adulthood were only triggering in us the genetic warning systems that were already in place: by the time we are seven years old, we are hard-wired to experience fear as a physical, emotional, and cognitive response to real--or perceived--danger. AND...thank god for that!

The problem as I see it, isn't fear. The real challenge in times like these, at least for me and many of my clients--and believe me, we discuss FEAR a whole lot these days--is denial.

Here's the rub: fear is a very real and measured response to the unknown; it is natural and once understood for what it is, what purpose it serves, and how it manifests, it can be worked through, and released. Denial, on the other hand, is what the psychiatrists would call a double-door defense: defending against a defense. Denial is a tricky form of avoidance, a cover-up, a ruse. Denial shows up most blatantly in circular logic: "I am worried because I'm so anxious"...or "I'm so stressed out about my anxiety"...or even better: "all this worry about the economy is making me feel out-of-control and anxious". You get the idea?

We talk ourselves in circles about anxiety, stress, worry, lack of control...and eventually, if we feel safe enough to let down our guard, a little reality pokes through: we are fearful. Yup. Simple. We are not in control. We are going to die. We don't really know what is going to happen tomorrow, the next day or the next. Wake up and smell the Starbucks. Reality, meet denial.

OK, if you're still with me, you probably feel like this idea of breaking through the denial of our sad, sorry state of affairs is the end of the story. Fade to black...or should I say bleak? BUT NO. The opposite is true: We are now, and only now on the path towards peace, joy, and resumed happiness. This is only the beginning, for once we break through the glass ceiling of denial, and recognize (key word: RECOGNIZE)that fear is a perfectly natural response to the condition of being human, animal, nature (yes, I know we deny this one too most of the time!), we are back on track towards our natural state of bliss. Yes, you heard me: bliss!

The first step towards releasing the binding and blinding hold of fear on us is this: recognize fear, name it, own it, label it, and accept it. Go ahead, you can say it, "I am afraid. I don't know what's going to happen, and I'm scared." Truth. Now breathe.

It takes a whole lot of wasted energy--energy that could be used for all sorts of creative, innovative, amazing feats of the imagination that move us light years beyond our fear--to hide out behind the walls of anxiety, stress and worry. They are all FEAR.

So let's all breathe a sigh of relief and welcome in the truth: fear is real. Fear is designed to protect me. Fear is my friend. So...the first step towards SHIFTING IT! is to welcome the gift of fear and stop denying that I feel it.

On that note, let's take a breather and maybe now we can all relax a bit. Tomorrow we'll talk about how to DEAL with fear once we've got it square in our sights. But since it's Sunday...and the Great Depression, part 2, hasn't arrived quite yet, so let's take the rest of the day off.

Cheers!

Dr J

The Silver Lining

2008-10-08T08:31:00.009-04:00

So, is anybody out there feeling a little anxious these days? I know I am. The constant roar of bad news coming from all sides--political, economic, global--just seems to get louder and louder. Clearly, many of our esteemed cultural institutions, whether business, government or somewhere in-between (Fannie and Freddie) are on the brink of dissolution. Something has run amok in the very fabric of the systems that underlie our way of life, and that have propped up our so-called "prosperity" for a very long time.

Whenever I hear the politicians fixing blame on Wall Street for its greed and corruption, or hear business people decry the Beltway (Government's superhighway in D.C.) for its laziness and lack of oversight, or the news media rant about the need to help "Main Street," I can't help but wonder how we could have created a street map where none of the streets seem to intersect. Am I the only one who knows people, good people, who work on Wall Street and live on Main Street? Am I the only one who knows people, good people, who work for the Government and live on Main Street? The truth, of course, which we Main Streeters are loathe to admit, is that we are all culpable for this cataclysm. All the streets overlap, all of us got caught up in the fever of buying, borrowing, and consuming--living according to the mantra: more more more.

What I'm hoping is that once the dust settles, the election is over, and the stock market hits some sort of bottom--just as addicts bottom out and start over--that we will all see this breakdown as an opportunity to re-evaluate. There is a silver lining to all this darkness: a chance to clear out the debris on ALL the streets, as it were, and get a fresh start.

One of the key tenets of the Life-Shifting method that I use every day with clients both private and corporate, is the principle that you move through a rut--any kind of rut(and we are certainly in a big one these days)--through the process of release; letting go; releasing what no longer serves you. In this case, it might be fantasies of accumulating real estate that always appreciates, driving at 80 miles an hour without ever getting a speeding ticket, or eating box after box of chocolates without ever gaining a pound. We've all been there: drunk on the pleasures of the moment, piper paying be damned.

What we end up releasing as we come out of a rut, is our story. The story is the narrative that we have told ourselves over and over again, convincing ourselves of its validity in spite of either no evidence or a great deal of evidence to the contrary. It is a sobering experience, letting go of our stories, but it is also a necessary step in the inevitable journey called "growing up." Doesn't it sometimes feel like America, a youthful empire of less than 300 years, acts just like a rebellious, over-reaching, petulant teen-ager? Perhaps the story of adolescent angst and excess and idealism--as sweet as it can be at times--is exactly the collective story whose end is near.

Carl Jung, one of the founders of modern psychology and the sage behind well-known concepts like the archetypes, the shadow, and the collective unconscious, pointed out that most transformative breakthroughs occur only after the ego surrenders its final defenses. Unable to continue propping up an outdated and ultimately destructive narrative, we finally just let it go. In the midst of ego-breakdown, whether on an individual or collective level, it can be very frightening, as the rug of "normalcy" gets pulled right out from under us.

But this disruption, my friends (to use the over-baked McCain adage that makes my blood boil), is a good thing. It signals a collective regime change, the end of a story that is running us into the ground. Something new--a new way of seeing, being, and operating in the world--on individual, collective and even global levels--is waiting to be born. The release-process is messy, for sure. It is painful, no doubt about that. But it is necessary.

Perhaps, at this time when the collective, adolescent story of America's "special" place in the world is finally getting a real comeuppance, it is time for all of us to step back and reflect on the same question: what story do I need to release? What have I been telling myself--over and over--that just gets me into trouble?

Here's a hint to finding what may be an elusive answer: look for a story that, if you were to let it go, feels pretty darn scary. Look for one where you are holding on tight.

Here's another twist that might be helpful: try finishing this sentence: I know that I'm only going to be happy if/when_____. Fill in the blank. Then ask yourself: is this really true? Most of us have fear-based stories that run us like: I'll only be happy if I'm the perfect parent, or I'll only be happy if I have enough money, or lose thirty pounds, or find the perfect soulmate. You get the idea.

These are our stories. Sometimes they are very useful, spurring us on to great aspirations, visions, and creative endeavors. Unfortunately, more often they are like fantasies, with an addictive quality, prompting us to keep striving, stressing, and accumulating--power, money, stuff, and angst.

America is in the midst of a big letting go. No longer the center of, let alone Master of, the universe, perhaps it is time to take our place as an imperfect, wonderful, exasperating experiment among many in the history of nation-states. Humility--a healthier, more mature story of who we are in the world, might just replace hubris. I hope so.

And...what about us Main Streeters? We must do our part--it takes all of our messy, complex, and well-defended individual egos to make up the collective. It is surely time to shed some or our own outworn armor, to discard stories with which we have fooled ourselves--probably for far too long.

I for one, believe in silver linings: A new story awaits.

See you on the other side!

Dr J

Adventures in Waiting...

2008-09-16T13:07:00.017-04:00

Do you ever go through periods in life when it feels like NOTHING is happening? I know that the Autumn is supposed to be the season for harvesting, and the Spring is for planting, but I have somehow got the cycle reversed. Lately, it seems that I am planting seeds all over the place--with agents for my book, with potential corporate clients, with interesting seminar possibilities, with media outlets to discus CHANGE (a subject near and dear to my heart...and very much in VOGUE right now!), and on and on--yet, days go by and none of the seeds sprout. Harvesting, in fact, feels a long way off.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm a big believer in the power of seed planting, and readily point out to clients that no matter what time of year it may be, there are times in life when the currents of change may be swirling, but the tide has yet to turn. Changes occur in mysterious ways, as we are all becoming more and more conscious of disturbances in the systems in which we live--in the weather, in politics, in the economy--and the empowered stance to take is to go with the flow. Get in the groove--plant seeds, get out and nurture the possibilities...then be patient. So why is waiting so hard?

I remember when I was the director of HR for a major corporation and I would ask potential job applicants that classic question: what are your weaknesses? Of course, being schooled in interviewing, and hesitant to admit any failings, most of the candidates used for an answer that old saw: "Well,I tend to be impatient at times." Of course, in corporate-speak this was meant to convey that their only real weakness was their desire to constantly push ahead and get results. Hence, impatience would be a strength. Right? I'm not convinced. Patience is clearly a virtue. Impatience--that urgent need to constantly push towards a result--is surely a vice; a vice that trips up most of us from time to time, robbing us of the amazing adventure called "Now"...

Waiting is difficult. When in the "waiting mode," we tend to focus our thoughts on the future and easily lose hours, days, even weeks languishing in our attachment to an uncertain outcome, all at the expense of the beauty and freshness of experiencing life as it happens, in the moment.

Ironically, at some deep level, we all know the truth: the only moment we actually have to experience is NOW. Everything else is a fantasy, an adventure lived purely in our minds. As Eckhart Tolle beautifully reminds us in his book The Power of Now all of the energy we spend mired in the past or speculating about the future is the province of fear, anxiety and ego: "When the pressures of future and past thinking disappear, fear and frustration also vanish, conquered by the moment that life springs forth within you....waking you up."

So my question for today is this: How do we shift from the enervating energy of "waiting" into the life-affirming energy of NOW? It is simple, really, involving three easy steps--recognition, re-focusing, and re-invention. A shift in perspective is all that is really necessary: what I sometimes call "coming home", to yourself.

Here are the three simple steps:

1. Recognize: First we have to wake-up to the fact that our thoughts are spinning fearfully away in to an unknown place, called the future. To shift back to the present moment, use your breath and your body as tools for the mind. Wherever you are, sit down on the floor, cross-legged, back and neck straight, legs relaxed. Take a few deep breaths, and place your hands on each side of your rib cage. Take a deep breath and feel your lungs expand and your hands move in and out with the rhythm of your breath. Recognize where you are RIGHT NOW. Allow your awareness of the focus on the future--what you are waiting for--to shift downward--to your abdomen, to your rib cage, your seat, your entire body, and finally your breath. Welcome back.

2. Re-focus: Next, shift the focus of your attention to the room you are in, the space around you, the objects, smells, sounds, and textures of everything you see, right now. Think about this moment, this day, this hour, and finally...this minute. How does it feel to be alive right now?

3. Re-invent: Finally, think about one thing you could do right now, as soon as you stand up, to re-invent your experience of this day. Ask yourself this question: regardless of how things unfold in the future, how could you make today an adventure? Ask yourself: what does it mean to be alive right now? Ask yourself: what do I have to be grateful for right now? How could I make this day a day of joy, for myself, for those I love, for those I don't even know?

There's no time like the present. Wait no longer. The adventure awaits.

Happy Now!

Dr J

Starting Small

2008-09-10T10:45:00.016-04:00

Well, not one to typically court controversy, I have to admit that my last blog post created a bit of a stir. It seems that some folks were less than thrilled to hear that boredom, worry, anxiety--and fear!--cannot always be blamed on biology. I have to admit that I may have erred on the side of sounding draconian (or just Republican?) in suggesting that my client needed to take responsibility for dealing with his life/work circumstances...that perhaps he was not "hardwired" to be miserable.

The point that I was trying to make still holds: fear is a natural response to the changing circumstance of life. Fear, which shows up in the guise of boredom, anxiety, stress, a whole panoply of symptoms, is not typically CAUSED by biology or brain chemistry--genetic or otherwise. Fear is simply our natural, bio-chemical response to the deeper truth that life is constantly shifting. Like the weather, circumstances in our work, relationships, finances, and physicality are always in flux, and as much as we might like things to stabilize and settle down (which they appear to do occasionally, thank god!), sooner or later the winds of change will always come blowing across the landscape of our lives.

What I do acknowledge about my last post, is that I was perhaps a bit too cavalier about just how difficult it can be to get in the flow of life's constant shifts, given that so many of the environmental and external factors are obviously beyond our control--like the general malaise in the country we live in (in this case, the sad state of the U.S. economically and politically...); the shackles we get bound up in financially--like mortgages, credit cards, and car loans; and the mercurial state of the job market. AND, that's before we head off into relationship territory, where the winds of change can bring their own hurricane season (it is any wonder that we personify hurricanes with names?). Being in an intimate relationship can certainly bring on its own perfect storms.

I don't want to minimize the struggle and challenge of moving through major change in life. What I do want to emphasize is that we need to be careful that we don't reinforce the walls of our own self-created prisons--of worry, stress, and anxiety--by being too quick to blame our woes on biology. We all get stuck at times; in fact, on the flip side of any major pinnacle or peak experience there is always a plateau, a leveling off...and that can feel like a real downer.

The key to breaking through the malaise is often quite simple: break the pattern.
Of course, whenever we start to think about breaking a pattern that has become stuck in our lives, the first question is always: how do I do that? the good news is that the answer is simple: start small.

Think about it: ever discover a tiny tear in a pair of jeans or a shirt and then find a day or two later that the little tear has become a rip? Small shifts in a pattern, repeated over time, become BIG CHANGE. Yes, big change is always daunting, sometimes overwhelming...and usually a show-stopper when viewed by itself as the endgame. So start small. Need to lose 30 pounds? Start by focusing on what it would take to lose just one. Then celebrate. Need to reinvent your relationship? Start back at the beginning: take your lover on a date. Need to renovate your career? Start by allowing yourself to daydream about what you love to do. Need to get out and network? Start by figuring out how to meet one new person this week. Just one.

So the next time you feel worried, bored, anxious, or just plain fearful, stop for a moment and think about where you may feel stuck. Remember this paradox: when you feel stuck it means that change is in the works. Ask yourself: what aspect of my life might have outworn its usefulness? What needs to be re-invented, reinvigorated, re-born? Then...take a small, tiny, even infinitesimal step in a new direction.

Soon you'll be off that treadmill of anxiety, worry, and fear...and on your way.

Best of luck,

Dr J

Check the Wiring

2008-09-03T08:57:00.008-04:00

Yesterday I had one of those classic moments with a client that never fail to bring the conversation to a dead stand still. He was sharing with me his tendency to, as he put it, "always feel anxious and worried about everything". Like many of us in these economically and politically unstable times, he finds himself constantly fretting about his job, his relationship with his boss and peers, his health, and any number of additional factors that feel "outside of my locus of control". His habit, which many of us can relate to at various times in our lives, is to over think and over analyze just about everything. Of course, hiding out under the guise of worry, anxiety, and stress, is FEAR: fear that he may have screwed up somehow with his boss or co-workers, fear that his job may be in jeopardy, fear that his economic future may be bleak, fear that change is in the works.

The truth is, of course, that change IS in the works. Always. And there's the rub. Yet, recognition of this fact, rather than being the beginning of a conversation about how to move with greater ease through the inevitable shifts that accompany the cycles of life, seems to shut us down. His response to the situation was to declare, in a very off-hand manner--as so many of us do: "oh well, maybe I'm just hardwired to be anxious. I've always been this way."

Really? Hardwired to be anxious, worried and fearful? Have you looked at a baby lately? Or hung out with small children who are living in a secure home with at least one loving parent? In general, well-fed kids (poverty is another thing entirely) are relaxed, spontaneous, playful, and full of life. Since when did it become in vogue to blame our adult anxieties, fears and worries on so-called "hardwiring"? What does "hardwiring" mean anyway?

It seems that with the advent of "clinical depression" and other psychologically-based ailments (e.g. anger-issues, addiction, childhood attention dis-orders, etc.)more and more often getting blamed on biology, just about every mysterious ailment has become hereditary. In the great arc of the endless debate between nature versus nurture, nature is by far away taking the causal lead on just about everything these days. I have no doubt that the pendulum will swing back over time, and that recognition of environmental, cultural, and developmental factors will once again be recognized as playing a significant role in bringing us to whatever sorry state we may find ourselves. But, for now, at least, most of us seem to take umbrage in labeling our issues, challenges and deficits hardwired--hence, unchangeable.

Ironically, it is science itself, which may restore the nature/nurture conundrum back towards a more nuanced and balanced approach to human behavior. Science has a wonderful habit of de-bunking its own theories as a matter of course, and today it is rapidly re-discovering what Freud, even with his limited purview on the human mind, understood implicitly with his theories of the unconscious and developmental psychology: the brain itself--the supposed home front of "hardwiring"--is malleable, adaptable and changeable.

Brain scientists are beginning to understand that the neuronal pathways, nerves cells, and the web of synapses that comprise the deep cellular structure of our brains, is always evolving, re-organizing, re-aligning and being re-born anew--even well into adulthood and beyond. New research bringing together the best knowledge of neuroscience and psychiatry, such as, "The Brain that Changes Itself" by Norman Doige, MD. relates amazing tales of human adaptability that truly call into question the notion that the so-called "wiring" in our brains is "hard" in any way, shape or form.

So if the latest research is accurate, and our brains ARE quite adaptable and changeable, what are we to do about this tendency to default to the "hardwiring" narrative?

In the context of my work around "Life-Shifting", what I've come to see is that these kinds of expressions, especially when spoken in the context of anxiety, stress and worry, are usually a cover-up for FEAR....and fear, in this case, is a very understandable response to CHANGE IN THE WORKS. In other words, when you find yourself defaulting to "I'm hardwired to be ______",(e.g. anxious, fearful, worried, fill-in-the-blank with your favorite), it usually means that some aspect of your life is ready to shift, ready to release, ready to be, in fact, re-newed. BUT, because change is uncomfortable even for the most adaptable of us, our minds will resist the pull towards change, and in an effort to "protect" us from the unknown, hold us hostage for a period of time--until we just LET GO.

Life is a continuous cycle of renewal--birth, growth, decay, death, re-birth--and we are not immune to nature's ways. What we find discomforting is the reality that we can't control when, how, or in what manner change may arrive. Life is a joy, yes, but it is also a mystery.

So the next time you find yourself feeling down, distraught, anxious or depressed, and you begin to ask if perchance you're "hardwired" for misery, try asking yourself a different question:

What pattern might I be stuck in--at work, in my relationships, in my life? in the case of my client above, when he stepped back, took a deep breath, and contemplated the change that might be in the works for him, he realized that he was BORED with his job, his living situation, and many aspects of his life. He actually DESIRED change...but feared it....and worried about it. As do we all. That is nature's way...but it is not hardwired to any circuit that can't be broken...with a deep breath, a shift towards recognition that change is inevitable, and an opening towards releasing that which no longer serves us.

So check your wiring..and don't be afraid to blow a few circuits now and again...you may just re-wire the system...and light up your life!

Dr J

The Inside Passage

2008-08-14T09:05:00.006-04:00

Just back from the "dream" vacation: I took an Alaska cruise with a small group of friends and family. So many people have raved to me about the amazing scenery and wildlife in the far north country that I decided to take the plunge...literally (almost) into the icy waters due north. Of course, it wasn't lost on me that if you want to see Alaska in a pristine state, you need to move quickly...in case our dear friend John McCain gets elected. Ok, that's for another blog.

So let me share with you a bit of my experience. The highlights: Amazing views of slow melting glaciers (kind of like watching the hairline of the planet recede), huge pink salmon running in the wrong direction (against the current!)in search of spawning holes, a flock of bald eagles eagerly eyeing the unsuspecting salmon from above (whoever said that eagles don't flock has never been to Alaska!), and many small fishing/tourist towns that seem to pop up in 3d right out of 19th century gold rush days. It was a great trip and I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to see some of the fast disappearing wilderness that stretches across the northern reaches of the continent.

What's really striking however, about taking a cruise to Alaska, is the stark contrast between the "boat ride" (understatement of the century)itself and the meandering sojourn it takes up through Glacier Bay, otherwise known as the "Inside Passage". For me, the journey through unspoiled vistas of nature at her finest prompted a deep longing for solitude, repose, and inner reflection, laced with a constant flow of gratitude--gratitude for the awesome beauty of the place, the majestic serenity and power of nature. Yet, at the same time, I found myself confronted--more like assaulted--with daily reminders of how far away from the gentle rhythms of nature we have come in our pursuit of material comforts, entertainments, and endless distraction. With over 3000 of my closest pals--at least as members of the same species!--surrounding me at every bend in the tide, I was shocked to see just how little most people cared about the Alaska in which we were duly enveloped. What was on the minds of most people? Well, let's see, there was eating, eating and more eating. There was gambling, and bingo, and bad Broadway knock-offs (otherwise known as "entertainment"). There were abundant swimming pools, hot tubs, shuffle board games, and, of course, a cocktail lounge strategically perched on every corner. To top it all off, this wondrous sailing city even had its very own bowling alley, replete with Titanic style over-the-top appointments and neon lighting (so one could indulge in bowling twenty-four hours a day!). Gee, golly wow.

So here we are, thousands of miles away from anywhere one might recognize in the lower forty-eight, surrounded by bears, and eagles and salmon and pristine blue glacial waters for as far as the eye could see, and what do we modernistas focus on: stuffing ourselves, drinking and gambling, with a little bowling through in for good measure.

Now, I'm sure that many who read this will think of me as a bit of a spoil sport regarding the wonders of "cruising" (which is what the aficionados of the big boat vacation call it), but the truth is, I'm not really down on cocktail binging, buffet-style gluttony or even late night neon bowling parties, all of which seem perfectly apt in places like Las Vegas (why else would one head purposely into the middle of the desert?). No, I have to admit that I enjoyed all the splendorous and overly abundant food, drinks and distractions readily available at all hours of the day and night. I just couldn't help but wonder why being in the Inside Passage didn't lead more people on a journey towards their own inside passage: reflecting on the awesome balance of nature, the interconnectedness of humanity and wilderness, and most clearly, how we humans are truly a tiny blip on the radar screen of a planet in peril. The experience was, in a word: humbling.

Perhaps it is just this sense of our insignificance that leads many of us to seek the distractions of endless external pleasure as a way to drown out the truth: nature is magnificent, powerful and generally unconcerned with our momentary visit on this planet. Yet, for me, the experience of a profound humility in the face of majestic scope of nature, was deeply moving, calming, and comforting. In moments of deep reverence, I could truly understand how we were simply gliding along a major, unclogged highway on the circulating system that is the body of Mother Earth. She is very much alive and we are on the Inside Passage--as temporary visitors--all the time.

I hope to one day go back. On a smaller vessel, maybe one with fewer late-nite buffets, and sans twenty-four hour cable TV, bingo, and black jack. In my heart of hearts I long to step out of that alienated, abandoned energy that permeates what we ironically call "civilization"--to step off the spinning wheel of distraction long enough to truly drink in the calm, azure icy waters that run through the veins of the earth.

If you get a chance to sojourn through your own "Inside Passage" -- whether in Alaska or in your own heart, let me know.

Happy Cruising!

Dr J

A Week of Happiness

2008-03-12T09:10:00.018-04:00

Good Morning folks! Here's the question that I'm pondering these days: When was the last time you spent an entire week just being happy? Sounds simple enough. Maybe this week? Or last? Or is it more like a day here and there? Or even more likely, you might say that you have a "happy life" or had "great year last year"...but seriously, take a look at just one week: do you experience happiness for whole weeks at a time?

If you are like many of my clients...and I always include myself as my most complex, and stubborn, client (!), then the truth is very likely: not often. Recently, I led a wonderful yoga/meditation retreat for 16 amazing people in the spectacular coastline jungle of southern Mexico. About four days into the retreat, it dawned on me that I was smiling all the time! ME? Smiling all the time...wow! Known as a committed "frowner" -- interspersed with a healthy dose of smurks, chuckles and occasional broad grins...I hardly think of myself as smiling all the time. But here I was, more than halfway through a week of relatively hard work, albeit in a very special place...but still, I was amazingly happy.

Now back in the emergent sunshine of spring-on-its-way New York City, I'm committed to replicating that experience. Why shouldn't I/we be happy all the time? We certainly have plenty to be grateful for: plenty of food, clothing, shelter, and good friends/family. These things are no small feat in a world where a large percentage of the population goes to be hungry every night. Yet, that truth can sometimes feel abstract, distant from our everyday lives.

I have a client who struggles with day-to-day happiness. We have tried working with various journal projects--gratitude journals, vision journals, fantasy journals, etc. Even his dreams are remarkably "happy" and eerily joyous in their rich imagery and narrative. Yet on a day-by-day basis, happiness often eludes him. Stress, duty, overwhelm, sadness, anxiety, these are the emotions that will often haunt him as he gears up for his day, even has he dutifully jots down a few things he is grateful for in his "gratitude journal". If nothing else, he is a good student. And so are we all.

The issue here, as far as I can tell, is that he (and I can relate to this to a certain extent..what about you?) has a very difficult time drawing that fateful distinction between day-to-day "needs" and day-to-day "wants". For example, when I ask him to state what would make him happy--in life--he responds immediately: more love in my life, a great partner, more collaborative and pleasant colleagues, more money, more free time, etc. But when I ask him to start each day by writing down just ONE thing that he wants to experience, that will bring him happiness TODAY , he flounders. The list quickly takes on the tone of a "to-do" list. He writes down, without thinking, what he needs to do that day, mistaking getting stuff done, with creating happiness.

Happiness is a lofty concept for most of us, and an elusive one. It is probably not an accident that many other languages just forgo having a word for happiness. The Germans, French, Chinese and others stick to more specific experiences like joy, ecstasy, fun and good fortune. Yet, here in America, with our ubiquitous sound-bite use of the English language, "happiness", it seems is here to stay.

Witness the latest tome on the subject to hit the Amazon shelves in full force: "Happy for No Reason" by Marci Shimoff of Chicken Soup fame. Having succumbed to the catchy title myself, I have to acknowledge that it is a good read. She very adroitly captures what I do consider to be the major ingredients required for a life filled more with happiness than that other stuff (anger, grief, anxiety, etc...). She writes about mental, emotional, physical and spiritual practices that need to all work together in a synthesis to complement and integrate the full human experience. You go girl! Especially the emphasis upon the physical--exercise, yoga, movement, dance--these are crucial aspects of human happiness, that in our overly cognitive psychology-stuffed culture often get ignored or denied by the cerebral "talking heads" that make up much of the psychotherapy-world.

Yet, here is the rub: Marci--and me for that matter--may emphasize all the right components that are needed in the mix for a high happiness quotient, yet on a minute-by-minute, day-by-day basis, lots of people still struggle with feeling happy. To be sure, much of this syndrome can be laid at the doorstep of our paradoxical big picture (e.g. fantasy) culture that has a two-second attention span. We seem quite capable of momentary highs and long term visions, goals, and fantasies...but maintaining even one short (or is it long?) week of just plain old happiness is tough.

So here's a test for you:

Every day this next week, wake up in the morning and do this one thing first, before ANYTHING ELSE: Write down in your journal, or on your refrigerator (or more likely in your iphone (that's where I do it), one thing that will bring happiness into your day that day. Just one thing. Examples: "I will bring happiness to my client meeting this morning." "I will be happy during a business meeting." "I will bring joy to my dinner with the kids tonite," etc.

Use the words that work for you: happiness, joy, fun, enthusiasm, playfulness, care. BUT be sure that whatever it is you commit to do, it is something that will bring you happiness. In fact, if you do this right--and here is my nod to those left-brain cognitive folks--just thinking about it may make you happy.

So give it a try. One week of happiness. The world needs your joy...and you deserve it. Let me know how it goes!

Happy Days Are Here Again...The Sky Above Will Clear Again...!!!?

Dr J

The Over-Stuffed Portfolio

2008-02-27T12:01:00.002-05:00

"If I had known what it would be like to have it all, I might have settled for less" Lily Tomlin

Well, Hello there! I'm back! Yes it has been a while and I have been remiss of late in sharing my own adventures (and mis-adventures) in Life-Shifting! I'd like to be able to say that I've been on a long retreat or, better yet, a sabbatical, vacation or other equally socially acceptable excuse for a long disappearance. But alas, the truth is much simpler and much less impressive: I've been busy! Yes, BUSY...working, studying, writing, learning, playing, and of course, procrastinating.

You see, I'm one of those people I like to call "portfolio people". There are many of us these days...and more and more are joining the ranks of what is truly a post-modern approach to life: no longer does one career, one job, one hobby, one degree, one homeland (even!) suffice. No, we of the burgeoning portfolio tribe are CONSTANTLY on the move, adding arrows to our quiver of life skills, talents and experiences. Perhaps it is one more phenomenon that can be attributed to the restless nature of aging boomers (though my younger colleagues seem to develop the "portfolio disease" right out of college!. However, given the alternative--a full-time job (yikes!)--I, for the most part, am a major advocate of living the "portfolio life".

Living a "portolio life" basically means breaking out of the bounded belief structures and cultural norms that have us convinced that we should settle for one job, one career, one set of social groups, one spiritual tribe, etc. Yet, just as the idea of "retirement" is beginning to feel extremely anachronistic to today's forever young and active "oldsters" (sixty is the new "middle age" right?), so too are the one-trick pony beliefs around professional life, social life/circles, even spirituality. Why should we settle for just one job, or one company, or even one religion during our limited and oh so precious time on the planet? And so, many of my clients--and myself included--have decided to broaden our horizons, heading off to explore the hinterlands of our inner and outer landscapes in order to learn, grow and build a multi-dimensional, multi-faceted "Portfolio" life. We are part-timers, volunteers, consultants, coaches, business owners, artists, and sometimes, all of the above (most portfolio folks wind up working much MORE than one full-time job...hey, but it is a CHOICE!).

To this development, in general, I say, all to the good. Human beings are not drone bees, or annual begonias meant to flower once, to live one glorious season, flowering and dying all in one pot. We are meant to learn, grow, flower, die and be re-born anew many many times during our sojourn across the span of a life. Looking back over the past few months that I have been on hiatus from this blog, the days and weeks have been fuller than ever: I've become a certified vinyasa yoga instructor, created new life-shifting workshops, led my first yoga/spiritual retreats to far-flung lands, tended to the needs of my family (aging/ill parent, etc), deepened my relationship with key loved ones, supported a growing cohort of corporate and private clients, and "almost" finished my book proposal. It has been a rich, rewarding and very full time. Yes, full. Too full in fact, for such a non-entity of a word. I think "over-stuffed" might be more like it. Or perhaps, "packed to the gills"!?

So, as I reflect on my time away from this blog, and feel the blessing of my return (for me it is a gift to share in this way, and I hope for my readers as well!), I am struck by the downside of success: the portfolio is only so big and can only carry so much. It may have multiple pockets and hidden crevasses in which to stuff a few more activities, workshops, or yoga classes, BUT it is finite, fragile, and breakable. As am I. As are you.

At some point, in order to add something new to the portfolio, we have to give something else up. This is a hard pill to swallow in a culture where most of us, if not all, are addicted to more, more, more. I remember reading a rather wonderful book called "There Must be More Than This" by Judith Wright, in which she very smartly outlines the problem with a culture in which it is considered "the norm" to constantly seek more stuff, more pleasure, more ways to keep busy. Yet, even Judith in all her wisdom didn't seem to notice that her book ITSELF was representative of the very thing which she was chastising. Her book pointed out that there are "bad" things to want more of--shopping, TV, Internet, chocolate, etc--and "good" things to want more of--spiritual learning, meaningful relationships, creative arts, volunteering, etc--yet no where does she acknowledge that it is still all about MORE, MORE, MORE.

So where do we get off the treadmill of "more"--be it the good "more" or the bad "more (and the judgment of the difference seems to me at times a bit condescending--given that I LOVE chocolate and get some great spiritual teachings from the internet...)? It is a complicated, if luxurious question: How do we know when the portfolio is over-stuffed?

Well, the good doctor is humbled by this one. Not sure I can give you a good answer but I will share with you how I make the call: by looking for that sweet spot, that balance between the MORE going out and the MORE coming in. Ask yourself these kinds of questions:

1. How much of your time is devoted to giving to others?
2. How much of your time is devoted to giving to you?
3. How much of your time is spent on those and what you love?
4. How much of your time is spent on those who love you?
5. How much of your time is spent just on "taking care of business" (e.g. bills, bills, and bills!)
6. How much of your "business" is aligned with questions 1-4 above?

Where do you come out? Is your portfolio over-stuffed, over-flowing or leaking a bit from the side? (e.g. lost time, lost energy, lost health?). In the past few months I've been blessed by the addition of many new arrows in the quiver of my portfolio. For this I am grateful, yet I also know that I have missed the gift of this blog and am acutely aware of the price we pay when we over-stuff the portfolio. It is time for me to empty my bag a bit. Make some room to move around. Throw out some of the tried and true contents that are hiding, stuffed, crumpled and out-of-date towards the bottom. Spring is coming anyway...so the time is right for taking stock of what's in and what's out. Most of all, it is time to let go of a very insidious belief: that I (or you) can do/have it all. We can't.

So here's to Spring cleaning and perhaps a new idea to ADD to the portfolio (once there is some room in there): LESS IS MORE. Is there room in your portfolio for this one?

Cheers!

Dr J

The Greatest Teacher

2007-08-25T12:18:00.000-04:00

Recently, I had the opportunity to attend a wonderful retreat/seminar with Margaret Wheatley, the renowned leadership expert and author of the award winning Leadership and the New Science, among other great works. Her exploration for the week long seminar was around this question: "Where are the Leaders the World Needs Now?" A great question and one that she, not surprisingly, did not answer but rather prompted us to sit with, reflect upon, and discuss, mostly among ourselves.

Over the five day period, I had the chance to interact with a number of the hundred or so participants and in spite of all the evident diversity of the group--teachers, counselors, administrators, Government officials, corporate types of all ages and backgrounds--I was consistently amused to find a singular rumble of anxiety flowing through each and every one of us. It seems that by posing this provocative question at the outset, Meg had placed us front and center in the firing line of resistance: what, me? A leader? For this time? Well, certainly not! Next in line please.

Yet leaders we are, according to Meg's simple, eloquent and dis-arming definition: a leader is someone who wants to help. That's it. Starting here, starting now. Do you want to help? Yes? Well, then, wake up: you're a leader. And if you thought that wasn't enough to bring the full rage of resistance to your comfortable, passive seminar-participant existence, Meg added early on, this pearl of wisdom: "I have nothing to teach you." Nothing. Nada. It seems, according to her estimation (and that is a pretty mighty estimation, by the way, given that she has taught, coached, lectured and cajoled thousands of so-called leaders over many geographies, cultures and years!) that all the knowledge--or rather, wisdom--one needs to be a leader resides right inside our own heart/minds. We only need to let go of our fear of just how great we really are. Smallness is a defense against GOD. Our resistance is our ego, our story of who we THINK we are supposed to be--good soldiers, compliant students, corporate drones, etc. Leaders are OTHER. Not Me. At least that is what our fragile ego would have us believe.

So, as you digest this giant gem of wisdom from which everything Meg shared with us all week emanated, let me share with you what I personally learned from Meg, from the participants, and from myself during the seminar. You see, Meg may have been the muse that week, my guide to the teaching that I most needed to hear, but the real teacher was something entirely "other". The real teacher, the greatest teacher, during this week or any other is disappointment.

Wasting little time with pleasantries, as leaders who are awake to their job rarely do, Meg pointed the way to this powerful teaching right from the outset. She started off her first presentation on the very first morning by saying that if we had come to see her looking for answers or methods or "mental models" or new practices or techniques or formulas for how or why or when to become a leader...or for tool sets to take back to our organizations to turn others into leaders, we would be sorely disappointed. In fact, she went on to add--nail in the coffin here my friends!--that she could only guarantee one thing about our experience with her during the week ahead: that at some point we would invariably be disappointed. We would be disappointed in her ideas, her way of behaving, in the format, the weather, the food, the timing, the institute, something. Guaranteed. As she put it, and I paraphrase, you paid your money to increase your "knowledge-base" regarding leadership, when in actuality that very same knowledge base is a defense, a wall you are building to prevent the experience of your true nature as a leader to emerge. Disappointment is a given, because your soul already knows better. I (Meg) can't make you happy, teach you anything or turn you into a leader, only you can do that. And since you paid money to supposedly learn "something" from me in that regard...disappointment (maybe already in play, now!!) is guaranteed. Sorry.

Whew. Yikes. Can I get a refund? Well, yes, perhaps on the seminar...but no, not on the truth, the wisdom, and the value of what she was offering here. At the end of the day, the only experience of leadership that is authentic and useful is leadership of the self. We, all of us, ARE the leaders the world needs now...and we know it. But we are afraid. Or should I say, our egos are afraid. The leader beneath the ego, buried under the baggage of cultural and childhood conditioning, is there just waiting to be set free. AND...wise elders like Meg Wheatley go around and do "seminars" with one purpose really--all the fluff of structure and brochures and content is just designed to get our egos to pay up: to offer us a doorway. They simply hand us the key to the door behind which lies our golden essence, our true face--timeless, perfect, unblemished and pure. Leaders one and all.

The pathway offered here, by Meg, or by anyone, is through your disappointments. Disappointment is the greatest teacher because it automatically throws us back on ourselves and points to our need to control, our need to stay small and comfortable, our need for life to be predictable. But life is not like that. When we allow ourselves--and we all do it!--to get enveloped in the energy of disappointment, we are resisting life, resisting WHAT IS.

There is much more to be written about this subject. If you have gotten this far in this blog you may be enraged, confused, or have already "logged off" in your mind. You may be sorely disappointed that Dr. Hull didn't go to a world class seminar with a world class teacher on leadership and come back with anything more helpful than this: look to your disappointments to teach you to be a leader.

That's it. You and I are stuck with it my friend. Leadership lies within us all...in the essence of our very being. It lies in the present moment perfection of life in motion. The river of life is always moving and changing and we have the ability to drink, swim and BE in the flow, leading ourselves towards a promised land of joy and opportunity and blessings for all. But we have to get out of our heads and into our hearts. Disappointment is the pathway from our ego-based, fear-based desire to HOLD ON to our small selves, to sit on the shore line and watch OTHERS lead (down the garden path, but to what/where?).

Think on this for a bit. And the next time your spouse, or loved one or teacher disappoints you (let alone the weather, the stock market, the Government, etc.) which should happen within five or ten minutes of reading this blog...might you have the presence of mind/heart to stop, breathe and look at HOW YOU ARE CREATING YOUR OWN MISERY.

I know, this is heavy stuff. So, I will leave you on an up note, again from the experience with Meg and her profound candor and wisdom. By the end of the week, many of us, myself included, had jumped in the river...and slowly with awkward strokes and occasional gulps of water, begun to swim in the joy and vitality and peace of our own folly, imperfection and innocence. We are alive. We are leaders. We will be disappointed...mostly in ourselves. But if not US, then who, if not NOW, then when?

Jump in. The water's fine.

In the flow,

Dr J

Every Day a Little Death...

2007-06-03T11:20:00.001-04:00

...in the parlor, in the hallway...in the places we hold dear...writes Stephen Sondheim in his famous song from A Little Night Music. Little did I know just how profound this lyric was (although it has always struck me as pretty profound!) until I got my apartment "feng-shuied" this past weekend. Seems there is a whole lot of death lurking not only in the parlor (does anyone really have a parlor anymore?), but on the bookshelf, in the kitchen, in the bedroom...and of course, in the closet (who would have guessed!).

But seriously, here's another lesson that I learn again and again as I explore the principles of "Life-Shifting" in a wide range of domains: everything on the inside is mirrored on the outside, and vice versa. This past weekend, a friend cajoled me into attending a workshop on the ancient chinese art of "feng-shui". It turned out to be a very interesting way to spend an afternoon and I came away impressed, as always, with the wisdom of the East. It seems that one of the key principles of feng-shui (which turns out to be a whole lot more than warding off demons by placing crystals and other New Age accoutrement in strategic corners of your condo...but you knew that, right?) is that in order to make room for the birth of new ideas, creative insights, and expanded prosperity to enter both your psychic and physical space, you have to get rid of stuff that no longer serves you.

You need to create space for something new to arrive. The rule of thumb that this particular feng-shui teacher, Ariel Joseph, gave us, was that if something in your space has not been meaningfully put to use for over a year, it is time to let it go. For all intents and purposes, the "thing"--book, clothing, trinket, gadget, decoration, photo album--is dead. And death drains energy...from your space, and from your heart.

Doesn't this strike you as very similar to one of the key principles of "Life-Shifting"? In order to become a master of self-renewal, we must learn to release and let go of outdated, worn out versions of our own self-identity. When the narrative of who we are, or more specifically, who we think we are, no longer serves us, it is dead. In fact, some aspects of our identity are always in the throes of dying.

Think about it. Step back for a moment and reflect on your life ten years ago. Who were you? Perhaps you are in your thirties today and ten years ago you were single, a student, living alone? Perhaps you are in your forties today and ten years ago you were newly married, a young professional, a proud condo or home owner for the first time? Are you still identified by these labels? I doubt it. Besides, these are just surface identities. If we dig deeper and ask ourselves who we really are today, what stories do we tell ourselves and others about our lives, our sense of self, our place in the world? Are we successful? Happy? Healthy? Are we honest about what aspects of our personal narrative may no longer work, that may no longer serve us? When was the last time you looked in your psychic closet and got rid of anything--any label, any story, any idea--that you have not, in effect, "used" in over a year?

I can sense your anxiety rising. Ok, I'm projecting, but all I know is that it rises in me as I write this--so if you're breath has become a bit stilted, or your chest tight as you read this, I'm with you. You see, this principle of death, taken from feng-shui and applied to our inner sanctums of self-perception starts to get emotionally dicey, because we know where we're headed: to the dumpster. The key to unlocking the energy, vitality and creativity of re-birth is in the act of releasing the dead. In a feng-shui context, we are talking about getting rid of stuff. In the Life-Shifting realm, the order of the day is getting rid of limiting beliefs about who we are, what we can and cannot do, how we should live our lives.

Now, I certainly recognize just how difficult it can be to let go of our limiting beliefs about ourselves. We tenaciously hold on to old stories because of a deep-seated unconscious fear that we won't know who we are without them! In effect we fear the worst: being nothing, being nobody, being empty, bereft, alone. Yet, it wasn't until I watched the class erupt in a tirade of emotion and anxiety in response to Ariel's simple mantra--"empty the closet, empty your life"--that I realized just how terrifying it can be to throw out stuff. In fact, as I sat in the class and ran my mind through my closets, bookshelves and cabinets, I too, recognized how emotionally attached I am to my stuff. "So what if I haven't read any of those old college books in years," I could hear the inner voice whining, "I couldn't possibly throw them out. They mean so much to me."

Do they? Not really. They are symbols of a time before, a time when I was living in a different place organized around a different story. A time that is no longer alive in me or present in my world. Of course, I know Ariel--and Sondheim for that matter--is right: those old books are dead. Dead weight. It is time to let them go. To lighten my load, so to speak, to make room for something new, fresh and inspiring to take their place.

Dead may feel like a harsh word to apply to a book, or a piece of clothing, or even too long-loved story of your youth. Yet, the principles of feng-shui are no laughing matter: everything carries energy. Everything. In fact, quantum physics now demonstrates to us that energy in some form is all we really are, and the energy of creation and destruction are truly two-sides of the same coin. If the energy in your space is not being born anew every day, spiraling towards the realization of your next great potential, then it is spiraling downward in entropy, towards dissolution and death. Nothing is ever stagnant. In fact, the Tibetans would remind us that from the moment of birth onwards, every breath takes you closer to death. All energy is entropic on some level. But let's leave that one for another day...and focus on release, surrender, and creating space.

So, here is the question of the day: if your physical home is a reflection of your psychic home, what clutter needs to be thrown out? What no longer serves you? Take a few minutes each day for the next week to scan the horizon of your four walls. Ask yourself if you have meaningfully "used" all the items in your space. If not, what prevents you from releasing them to the world? Perhaps you have clothing, books, kitchen appliances (I have an old laptop if anyone needs one) that could use a new home. OK? Ready, set, let it go!

See how it feels to lighten your space. Clean out and clear off your desk. Make room for something new to be born in your space and in your life. Soon enough we will tackle the challenge of releasing emotional, mental and perhaps physical (do I hear "weight loss"?) clutter from our inner sanctums. But for today, let's get some practice with the "easy" stuff, eh? I mean how hard can it be to part with a few old books....

Besides, here's the good news: the opposite of Sondheim's screed holds true as well: Every day a little birth...in the parlor...in the hallway...

So go for it: revel, relish and rejoice...in release!

Dr J

Zoom, Zoom, Zoom!

2007-06-02T09:47:00.000-04:00

Whenever I meet a potential new client for the first time, I introduce them to two of my favorite children's books: Zoom and Re-Zoom, both by the wonderful illustrator Istvan Banyai. Together, my new client and I typically read these two books, which sit on the coffee table in my office, in about five minutes. They are quite easy to read, for there are no words, just full-page breath-takingly beautiful illustrations of scenes from daily life: children playing on a farm, a family on a cruise, a old lady on an airplane, a taxi cab in Manhattan. The books are nonetheless life-changing...or should I say, life-shifting, for every person who encounters them. They basically set the tone for all the work that is to come. So what, you ask, is so special about these books?

It's very simple. Each illustration that we see on one page is found replicated somewhere, in part or whole, on the next page, embedded in a new illustration. Page after page, the illustrations move you through a wide range of worlds both microscopic and panoramic, depending upon what direction you are going in the book. In this way, each book reveals a narrative that starts with a "normal" view and then shifts your focus either inward and downward (e.g. a full color, full page carnival scene on one page shows up on a postage stamp on the next page), or outward and upward (e.g a tropical rain forest scene on one full page turns out to be the cover of a book being read by a child sitting in the window of an airplane crossing the sky on the next page. In this simple yet powerful way, Banyai reminds us of a very poignant truth: how we experience the world depends greatly upon what we choose to see.

Think about it. From the moment you wake up in the morning and open your eyes, what you experience as "real" is made up of a strange and sometimes awkward collision of internally generated thoughts and emotions (memories, dreams and reflections) and external images--sights, smells and sounds. So how do we make sense of anything? Clearly, our ability to not come apart at the seams in the face of the sensory and cognitive assault we benignly call "waking up," is due to our ability to do one thing: focus. What we focus on becomes real for us. In the moment that I turn in bed and attend to the cat lying by my side, most everything else (not everything, but close) disappears. There's the cat. He needs/wants to be petted (of course, I'm making this up!). I pet him. I stroke his fur and watch his eyes glaze over in pleasure. Everything is as it should be. All this is "normal" and doesn't feel or appear particularly special to us.

Yet, as Banyai's books remind us, what we see, feel, or ignore at any given moment is always a choice. We can get laser focused and we can span the horizon. We can get tunnel vision and we can get lost in universe. The work of a life-shifting coach/therapist asks: where are you? Are you seeing the big picture? focusing on the positive? honoring what is right in front of you? Are you aware of the past, but not caught in it? Are you envisioning the future, but living in the moment? Or are you caught in the dark, tied down to an old routine, an old pattern, and old way of seeing that diminishes you and keeps you small? Sometimes breaking out of worn out patters is as simple as turning the page, opening our eyes to a wider view, seeing anew.

So today I want to remind you that life-shifting is about mind-shifting. From the Eastern perspective of Buddhism the practice of enlightenment begins and ends with accepting what is. Being present. Still. Grounded in the moment with what is right in front of you--chopping wood, carrying water, doing the dishes, or making love. Yet, our Western cultural conditioning adds an occular layer to the experience of what is as well, for "what is" is also a matter of what you choose to see; how you choose to dance with the fluid boundary of inner and outer worlds; how you decide to be.

I did the following exercise yesterday and I highly recommend it. From about 3pm in the afternoon until I went to bed at midnight last night, I made a point of constantly re-assessing my visual experience of the world around me. For example, I stood on the street corner, gazed downward and closer, narrowing my vision to take in the mail box next to me, the overflowing trash can, the poster on the street light post, the stains on the sidewalk, the mishapen stonework, all the way in to my toes on the pavement, my multi-colored flip-flops, the ripped up hem on my jeans. Then in equal measure I brought my gaze upward and outward, taking in the broader landscape-- the street filled with cars, people walking in a multitude of directions, and more: a cacophony of buildings, windows, arches, stone gargoyles, water towers, trees, puffy clouds behind the spire of a church, and finally, the great expanse of blue sky.

Sounds like a simple practice and it is. You can do it anywhere. I tried it in a crowded movie theater last night: moving my gaze from the cat hairs on my pants, slowly, ever so slowly expanding my vision to include my body in a chair, the chair in front of me, the back of the head of the person in front of me, the row in front of me...and onward and outward until I could bring the whole screen, theater and room into my field of vision. When was the last time you noticed the lighting that brings a warm glow to your favorite theater? Last night I discoverd that my neighborhood movie theater has a beautiful, antique chandelier! Does your favorite movie theater have a curtain across the screen? Does it matter? Of course not...and yet...

These simple excercises are practices for becoming present and awake to your surroundings--the beauty, diversity, the presence of life--that swirls around and in us at all times and all places. We need only pay attention. Give it a try...and if your not sure what the hell I'm talking about here...get hold of Banyai's books. As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words.

Happy Seeing!

Dr J

The Mess in the Middle

2007-05-23T16:10:00.000-04:00

And now for something completely different! A message from the universe blew across my desk this past week, in the form of the following poem. I have had this poem hidden in a long buried file somewhere for over a decade...and just now, while I have been dreaming, reflecting, and rumininating on the idea of The Retreat...it reappeared. I casually pulled out a file folder from an old drawer filled with, well, you know..."junk." And there it was. Coincidence? Synchronicity? In any case, it is a wonderful poem brought to me, and now you, by a wonderful teacher, writer and philosopher that I worked with way up in the wilds of Vermont...many moons ago. Toni Stone is a very wise woman and a beautiful, truth-telling soul. I was moved by her and her work. I think she captures the essence of what I mean by the idea of "retreating"...

THE MESS IN THE MIDDLE

"Possibility
exists as seed
resting is required
seeds are small
falling apart happens
process unfolds
stories are told
arrangements
CHANGE
some things are
eliminated
ideas become
OUTCOMES
simple becomes complex
union is a FORCE
old makes way for new
seen is not all there is....
Things are setting up to
HAPPEN
possibility exists
as seed
Resting is required for listening
and growth"

Toni Stone Wonderworks Studio 1995

The Forced Retreat

2007-05-21T15:31:00.000-04:00

Well, well, where have I been? Let me start off by apologizing for my disappearing act. Having heard from some of my loyal readers that I was missed (ok, both of them…), I do want you to know that I was not off on a safari in Africa or lying on a beach in Hawaii (except in my dreams!). Truth be told, I was experiencing first hand what I would call a “micro-blast” (kind of like when a mini-tornado cuts through your tranquil neighborhood) of upheaval that dropped me head first (or to be anatomically accurate: back first) into the third stage of the Life-Shifting cycle of self renewal: The Retreat.

So, yes, I have been “away” on a retreat of sorts, only recently returning to the full-time ambulatory world of work, play, bill-paying, and semi-regularly, writing. Here’s what happened. Despite my pride in being a fairly flexible, agile, yoga practitioner, I do have a history of severe back pain. Pain, which, whenever it surfaces from down deep in that mysterious place referred to as “the tailbone” (yes, we upright monkeys still have tails…of bone no less!) it invariably signals that change is afoot. Of course, what it really signals is that I have ignored other more benign signals for too long, and that a forced retreat is in order. In any case, this time around, the first in many years I’m grateful to say, the blitzkrieg arrived in a moment of supreme normalcy: while vacuuming.

In my yoga class the night before this incident, I folded over backwards and read the clock on the wall upside down with grace and aplomb. Less than 15 hours later, while momentarily lifting a rather bulky swivel chair in order to reach those tenacious cat hairs that wedge their way under the legs, I felt the crunch. In that moment, I knew that something was amiss, kind of like the realization that you’ve stood up way too fast, or bent a bit too far to the right or left. No big deal. Until the next morning, when I couldn’t move! Unable to bend or lift my body without excruciating pain shooting through my entire body, I was pretty shocked. Over the next couple of days, in the tried and true tradition of The Great Denial, I fought tooth and nail to go through my day with some semblance of normalcy.

As long as I didn’t move AT ALL, I was fine. BUT, unless you happen to be a slug, life’s normal trajectory doesn’t allow most of us to get much accomplished without moving. Hence, by the second afternoon of refusing to slow down, cancel clients, or otherwise pay attention to my poor body, the cry for attention from my lower extremity became impossible to ignore. It was only when I found myself crawling to the bathroom on my hands and knees after an excruciating session with a client (who was in far less pain than me), that I surrendered…and reluctantly, entered The Retreat.

The good news is that once I propped myself comfortably up on pillows, pulled my journal and a few good books off the shelf and cancelled the following day of client sessions, I relaxed. I woke up to WHAT WAS ACTUALLY HAPPENING: I was being asked by my body to stop. To listen. To pay attention. To go inside. And so I did. Of course, the minute that I succumbed to the truth and made the decision to retreat, relax, and convalesce, I felt better. Many of you by now may be sneering and wondering: where were the doctors, the chiropractors, and the meds? Never fear, I availed myself of all of the above. But, even though these palliative acts did ease the initial symptoms, the deeper process is what really counts. My body was sending me a message: it was time for a break.

It took about a week of full-time rest before the pain receded and the flow of vitality and life energy returned. Having in the past been brought to my knees (literally and metaphorically) for many weeks, even months, by past bouts with lower back pain, I am very grateful to my body for this speedy recovery. I’m quite convinced that my regular yoga, diet and exercise practices are mostly responsible for the short duration of The Retreat this time around, but I’m also supremely aware that the key likely lies in heart and soul, not body or mind. Once I realized what was happening, I hunkered down and took the work of retreating very seriously. I spent a great deal of time meditating, writing in my journal, and reflecting on the bigger questions: Where in my life was I in a rut? What wanted to be released? Is there an old “story” that no longer serves me that needs to be revised?

In a future blog I may share some of the still percolating answers that emerged. But for now, I just want to share the most profound realization of the experience: Just like vacations, sick-days, and occasional flights of fancy, retreat is necessary, for the body, yes, but mostly for the soul. Too often, for reasons imposed on us by cultural and economic expectations, we avoid or put off taking the all-important retreat until we are forced to do so by that most valuable instrument of truth: our body. Yet, what if we became more aware of the cycles of change and renewal that are always in process in our lives, and recognized that an occasional retreat from the world of work, responsibilities, even relationships, is a necessary part of the cycle? My sense is that some of the six month or year long retreats (a.k.a. breakdowns!) that we wind up taking due to severe illness or exhaustion might be avoided. Think about it. When was the last time you took time away from the stresses and strains of your family, work or career? Does going on a retreat, even for a few days, or a week, even seem possible?

Here’s the rub: if at all possible, heed the call before you’re forced to. When you feel like “taking a break” from the world, even if just for a day or two, DO IT! And if you’re not sure what to do with this special time, here’s the formula that I follow:

1. Create a space for solitude;
2. Spend time in nature;
3. Don’t be afraid to do nothing;
4. Reflect, write, and/or meditate;
5. Ask yourself big questions (If you’re not sure what they are ask, “What are they?”)
6. Don't be axious about "getting the answer"--just try to BE with the questions
7. Pay attention to your dreams
8. When anxious or fearful: breathe deeply, stay present, and let it be
9. If all of the above seems impossible: ask for help (e.g. therapist, friend, coach, etc.)
10. Trust

In closing, I want to thank Ellen DeGeneres for making me aware of just how difficult it is for people in our productivity-obsessed culture to take a break. During the height of my hiatus from the world, I just happened to turn on the TV (I needed a break from the work of my break) and catch Ellen’s talk show. Lo and behold, there she was broadcasting her usual line-up of stand-up and guest interviews, but she was not standing up, she was propped up, on stage, in a bed, cut down by severe lower back pain. BUT, she wasn’t going to let a little back ache stop her from being a workaholic. Oh no, not Ellen. So with a brandish of bravado and a cultural slap at any loser like me who actually listens to his body and STOPS when in pain, she just kept on rolling. Joking about dancing with twin partners, Percodan and Percoset (seems she’s totally open-minded when it comes to pain-killers), Ellen proceeded to guilt the rest of us would be retreaters. So to Ellen, whom I still love, I say, “Shame on you. Next time, stay home!"

Of all the things that I ask my clients to do, “retreating” is usually the most challenging. We are such a “doing” society, and retreating is all about “being.” Sometimes you may even have to trick yourself into taking a mini-retreat by creating situations where you have to do nothing for long stretches of time (ever wonder why more executives don’t complain that much about international travel?)…whatever it takes, be gentle with yourself. It takes a lifetime to learn to do nothing. I know. I’m still a novice.

Cheers!

Dr. J

PS. If you’ve got a good story of “retreating,” forced or otherwise…do write and share. Thanks!

The Dirty Secret

2007-03-30T09:40:00.000-04:00

By now, many of you have seen the film,"The Secret", which is all the rage among New Agers and Oprah fans. There is much to like about this film. It explains, perhaps for the first time to a mass audience, the powerful "law of attraction" and how you can use it to manifest success and abundance in all the domains of your life: money, career, relationships, etc. Of course, the idea that this law is a secret is more than a bit hyperbolic. The law of attraction has been well known for ages and well documented by many philosophers and theologians. The fact that the film and its accoutrement--books, CD's, and the like--pull on the rising credibility of quantum physics for sustenance is also a bit of a stretch. Quantum physics theories demonstrate that the mind of the observer does, in fact, impact the thing observed, but only when doing experiments at a sub-atomic level.

It has never been shown that our thoughts can actually influence a plane flying overhead (thank God for that, eh?) or stop a car crash. The idea that focusing your thinking on manifesting a bigger house will actually bring you a bigger house, well, no quantum physicist is going to consider this anything more than New Age bunk. No matter. The point of the film is still valid: what we manifest and experience in the world is very much a result of how we think/feel about it, and this is something that we can actively CHOOSE on a minute-by-minute basis.

So, in sum, I like the film. I will recommend it to my clients, especially the parts about practicing gratitude, visualization, and believing. In fact, the part of the film where the narrators talk about how to use these practices in a practical way, by starting each day with an attitude of gratitude, visualizing life as they would like to live it, and then feeling into that experience, in real-time, AS IF it has already occurred--these are powerful practices, and they work.

But--and this is a big BUT-- there is a catch (of course, you knew that I wasn't going to let this pseudo-Hollywood extravaganza get off the hook that easily!). Underneath all the fabulous imagery of fancy cars and big houses and sex-doll girlfriend/boyfriends lies what I consider to be the dirty secret of "The Secret": no matter how powerful the law of attraction may be, using it to acquire more stuff does not necessarily bring joy, or happiness, or calm or peace or anything else remotely close to what we might call "human fulfillment".

In fact, constant attention on HAVING MORE may bring just the opposite: stress, effort, fleeting pleasure then emptiness, and a gnawing, anxious feeling of "never enough". I don't think it particularly hyperbolic to say that the shadow-side of "The Secret"--the emphasis on always wanting MORE--may be downright hurtful--to our souls, to our intimate relationships, and ultimately, to the fragile earth itself (imagine a planet where 6 billion people all clamor to live in a $4 million dollar mansion like Jack Canfield!!).

So where does the film go off track? Not with the description of the law of attraction, that is all well and good, if not particularly scientific. No, the basic theme of the movie is fine and laudable. Where it disconnects from its own goal and integrity (which the skeptic in me thinks was intentional--designed to SELL MORE books/DVDS) is with the question: "what do you want?"

If you watch closely starting from the point where the narrator instructs the viewer to use the power of the law of attraction to "get what you want", you will notice that from here on out what we want (what the producers of this film would argue) is a new bike, a fast car, a mansion, a sexy, beautiful girlfriend/boyfriend (read: object), etc. Nowhere did I hear that we might want any of the following: to be loved, to make a difference, to help others, to give back, to share our talents, to love more fully, to live in peace, to relax, or just to have more time for fun. The focus of the film, and the use of thinking, feeling, and intention/visualization (the "toolset" of the law) is all on how to "acquire" a life-style...and specifically one that would show well on "Lives of the Rich and Famous". Yikes!

Well, you may say, what's not to like? We all like having nice things, and the nicer the better, right? Well, true enough, but here's my beef: many of my clients already have fancy cars, nice homes, vacation condos, and more than their fair share of sexy significant others (at least for a short time). Yet, are they happy? Are they feeling fulfilled? Hardly. Many of them become so attached and identified with the "life-style" of prosperity that they think/behave like addicts (more, more, more) losing sight of who they really are and what they really want.

It is only when you step out of the acquistion game for a moment, and ask the deeper question--who do you want to be?--that the law of attraction really goes to work FOR you. By focusing your thoughts and visualizations on WHO AND HOW YOU WANT TO BE in your life, rather that what you want to HAVE, the universe responds with large and small gifts--bringing us teachers, taking us places, and offering up opportunities for us to practice being what we most value in the world.

I am all in favor of people living prosperous lives. There is nothing inherently "bad" about having nice things or living a life of abundance. But what, deep down in your heart, gets you out of bed in the morning? The house, the car, the wardrobe? For me, what I most want to attract--using my thinking, my intention, my gifts, and my passion--is the opportunity to help others live lives of joy, ease, and vitality. What about you? What question might really foster a "life-shift" in your sense of who you are and why you are here? Is it "what do you want...to have?" I doubt it. Instead, try living, breathing, and using the "law of attraction" to discover your own inner secret. Ask yourself: who do I really want to be in the world?!

Check out the film and let me know what you think...

Cheers!

Dr. J

ps. I want to share a little vignette with you as an "add-on" here...because in retrospect I see that it spawned this entire blog:

Yesterday as I was riding the crosstown bus in midtown Manhattan, all the while thinking about the film, "The Secret", and pondering why it left me so unsatisfied, I happened to witness the following scene playing out before me.

Glancing up from my seat in the third row of the bus, I noticed a very old gentleman with a cane sitting across from me. He had to have been about 80, maybe older, but he still looked pretty vital, if rickety on his cane. Just then a younger man--around 60 or so--ambled on to the bus, and facing down this older guy, seemed to do a double-take. "Excuse me sir," said the 'young' one, "Are you the Dr. Hamilton that used to teach classes in archictecture at the New School?" Looking up from his perch, the old man smiled--as if he'd heard this a thousand times before--and simply said, "Yes, I suppose that's me. What can I do for you?"

"Well, wow!" exclaimed the new arrival, "I always wondered what happened to you and whether I would ever see you again...and here you are. I always wanted to thank you for your wonderful class and tell you how much it meant to me. I wound up going on to graduate school and becoming an architect and I have really loved my career. In fact, I'm actually now wondering what to do in the face of retirement because I don't really want to quit. And in no small way, much of my success can be traced back to you!"

I never did hear the response that the old teacher gave to the no-longer-young student because my bus stop arrived just as he finished his little soliloquy. But as I stepped off the bus, I glanced back to see a swelling smile, and a redolent glow of joy (and a little embarassment) surface on the wrinkled face of the teacher. At that moment I knew exactly what was missing from "The Secret": a deeper truth--perhaps a deeper secret that the blossoming countenance of this octagenarian revealed for all to see: WHAT REALLY MATTERS at the end of life. What will you be smiling about when you're 80?

Be a Tree

2007-03-20T09:36:00.000-04:00

Sitting here on a sun-drenched, crystalline spring-is-on-the-way kind of morning in New York City, it is hard to believe that only 72 hours ago the snow was flying, the wind was blowing and the temps were sub-zero. Notwithstanding the debate about climate change or global warming, it clearly was an erratic winter. With January being like June and March being like January and June from one day to the next, one thing is for certain: nothing is for certain. It seems that unpredictability, in the weather, in the world, in life, is the order of the day. Reflecting back on that last blast (hopefully) of winter and its aftermath, I can't help but wonder: how do we stay centered? How does one stay grounded, prepared for anything, and flexible in the face of so much change?

Now, I'm not sure that I KNOW the right answer to these questions, nor do I necessarily believe there is one answer, but I do know one thing: if all the change that we find ourselves experiencing is on the outside, the solution will have to be found on the inside. In times of deep turmoil and transition we all need to LOOK INSIDE ourselves and get connected to something that grounds us and holds us steady. The phrase I love for this idea, which I borrow from Dr. Steven Covey (of "7 Habits" fame), is "the changeless core". It is that place inside of you that never wavers, a place of core essence, of peace and calm and KNOWING, that everything will be ok, that you are ok, that all is as it should be. It is the place from which we accept life on its own terms, drop the struggle, drop the complaint and just allow life, nature, people, the weather, and ourselves, to be just as they are. But how do we connect to this elusive place that lies at the center of our being?

As with most challenging spiritual questions the solution is found by seeking out a good teacher. This past weekend, as I retreated to my cozy lair and just watched the parade of snow and sleet and ice and wind float by my window, I noticed something else: a spiritual teacher in action. Holding steady, calm and changeless under the onslaught of Mother Nature's tirade, were the trees. Solemn, uncomplaining and stately. In the space of 24 hours, I watched as a giant oak went from sun-dappled to rain-drenched, to bowed over in the icy wind, to snow-capped, to finally, upon waking on Saturday, fully chrystallized with icicles dripping from every branch. Emerging from the underworld of the storm, the tree burst forth as a diamond, a delicate glass-blown Christmas ornament shimmering in the breeze. And through all the transmogrifications, the mighty oak stood its ground, unmoved, unshaken. Peaceful. A perfect role model for how to be in the world.

At the time, observing the tree in full regalia, I only thought of how beautiful it looked, how stately. It wasn't until the next day, during my yoga class, that its profound message hit home. Standing before a wall of glass that looked out onto a frozen tundra of ice-laden trees (ok, not exactly a tundra at the intersection of 14th st. and Union Sqaure, but you get the idea), my yoga class was instructed to stand tall and straight, legs hip-width apart, with our hands clasped in prayer at our heart-center.

For a long moment, I stood perfectly still, listening to my breath, gazing out at the icy wonderland, enjoying the delicious contrast of the warm, spacious yoga studio juxtaposed against the burning chill of frost and ice that lay only a few feet away. The instructor then told us to find a tree outside the window and focus on it. Holding, for balance, our gaze on the tree outside, she told us to lift one leg off the ground and place the bottom of our foot against the other leg, against the upper thigh if possible, the higher the better. Then, standing on one leg, breathing deeply from our core, we were told to raise our hands towards the ceiling and spread our arms outward and skyward in full, if awkward mimicry of the trees which held our gaze. "This is 'tree pose'", the instructor said, "Your opportunity to balance, hold center and breathe from a place of grounded connection to your inner core".

"As you hold steady on one leg, breath deeply," she said, "and think of the nerves and blood vessels coursing through your body, from the tips of your toes to the tips of your fingers. See if you can feel the pulse, the circulation, the essence of life, moving and flowing, at all times and in all circumstances. This is just life, in you, doing its thing, with ease, no matter what is happening all around you."

Like a tree in a storm, I thought to myself. The perfect teacher, wherein the weather may swirl around in constant agitation and upheaval, but the sap of life just continues to flow, uninterrupted, undisturbed on the inside. Life doing life.

So the next time you feel ungrounded, reactive to others moods or behaviors, when you feel yourself being blown off course by circumstances beyond your control, stop for a moment, stand on one leg, take a deep breath (or two) and be a tree! It is a powerful practice. Hold steady for as long as you can with one foot pressed against the upper thigh of your other leg. Find a tree to serve as your role model. Bring yourself fully into the present moment...and reconnect to that place in you that is unwavering, steady, still. Allow the tree to show you the way to your changeless core, to help you find the way home.

In closing today's post I want to share a favorite short poem of mine. It is by the wonderful and moving poet, David Whyte...and it goes like this:

Lost

Stand still. The trees ahead
and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here.
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger.
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers.
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it you may come back again.
saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you.
You are surely lost. Stand still.
The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.

Cheers,

Dr. J

Chicken Wings for the Soul

2007-03-14T10:01:00.000-04:00

Why is it that so-called "spiritually awake" people are often the ones who trip, fall, and end up in the papers? Just this week I was reminded of the hubris of many so-called spiritual teachers who just don't walk their talk...I went to my local Zen/yoga center where I've been practicing meditation and yoga for a couple of years only to discover that the feds had closed the place down. According to my yoga instructor, the owner (a yogi, meditation teacher and massage therapist)was arrested for "inappropriate behavior" with his clients. She didn't know the details, but something fairly egregious must have happened in order for the FBI to get involved. My suspicion is that the massage component of the center was a cover-up for something with slightly less integrity. Oy, will we never learn.

Today, I want to write about spiritual hubris, or what my friend Judy, co-author of our forthcoming book, Life-Shifting: Mastering the 6 R's of Self-Renewal, (yes, we are tinkering with the title!) likes to call, "ego masquerading as spirit". All too often, it seems, we find ourselves engaged with spiritual teachers, friends and partners who somehow come to believe that once you've meditated for a few years, done lots of yoga, practice a healing technique, or become a therapist, that somehow you're finished with your ego, and that base human behaviors or your almighty shadow (!) are a thing of the past. Think again.

One of the shadows of the New Age approach to spirituality seems to be that we come to believe that we can somehow transcend our humanity, to shed out base humanness. This is pure fantasy, of course. The deeper truth is that all the spiritual work in the world will not help you to stop burping or shitting or farting or reacting or raging or nagging or judging or any of the myriad animal behaviors that comprise the human BEING doing his or her thing in life. To my mind, the pay-off of real spiritual work is integration, not transcendence.

With this in mind, I want to share a personal story with you, a shadow story of sorts, one that won't find itself in "Chicken Soul for the Soul" anytime soon, but nevertheless may offer its own gifts--of humility, humanity, and humble pie. I'm writing this today so that I will remember it myself the next time my ego tries to convince me that I'm "beyond that stuff". Perhaps you'll recognize yourself here, or someone you know, and take to heart the soul teaching in this rather mundane, but poignant "chicken wing" story.

This past Sunday night my partner and I hunkered down in front of the tube to watch a movie. We ordered in sushi (very New Yorker of us, no?) and also brought to dine some of the leftover fried chicken wings that we had stored up from the less healthy night out the night before (Saturday night indulgences). All relaxed, cozy and comfy, we drank wine, talked, and munched away. Towards the end of the meal, there was one chicken wing left on the plate. I reached for it and, about to take a bite and tear it apart, said something to the effect of, "don't you want this last wing? If not, do you mind if I eat it?" Of course, my teeth were already sinking in to the tasty flesh before my partner had mouthed his answer, which was, something like, "no, I was saving that piece to have for lunch tomorrow." Oops, too late. I had taken the bite, eaten the poison, and ruined the evening.

As I recall, in response to my having taken the fatal bite out of his precious next-day repas, he rolled his eyes and sighed, becoming pretty pouty. Of course, I felt like a schmuck inside (guilt, guilt, guilt) but on the outside I said something sarcastic like, "well, why didn't you say something before. I didn't know it was that important to you. I thought we were sharing!" Now what actually happened in these heightened moments was probably quite different from what I am now recounting, but no matter. The upshot is that he was pouty and disapppointed, and I was sulky and irritable. Yuck. We proceeded to both shut-down and sit in silence for a long time. Finally, I put down what was left of the chicken, told him coldly to take it home, and basically stewed in my reactivity. Yikes, where's the punchline? Where was the fun, tickly, response that I could have chosen instead, one that would have lightened the air, affording us the chance to laugh at ourselves and our pettiness and dissolve the entire episode into giggles? Nowhere to be found. And what's worse is that much later, when we were more ready to "process" what had happened, he calmly and succinctly told me that he thought that I'd been "more angry" in recent days than usual. Ouch. Me? Angry? I don't think so. I've done my work, seen my therapist, chanted my mantras and stretched out upside down against the wall enough times to know: I am no longer angry! Ummmmm.

Jump tape to next day's yoga class. The teacher is sharing with us the theme of the class: how to manage your resistance, your reactivity, and your impulse to flare up with negative energy if things don't go your way, by staying centered, breathing deeply, and observing your mind's tendency to react. In that grounded and aligned space of balance and openness, you have options. You can react; you can feel your reactions, then you can let it go. A fine teaching. We were to watch our bodies and see how our mind (our egos) sometimes reacts with judgment, criticism, even anger when the pose becomes too difficult or the instructions get too complex or come too quickly. (Reminded me of a time when one of my own yoga students at a retreat told me after a class that during "crow" pose he thought my voice reminded him of screeching chalk on a chalkboard...um, humbling.) Anyway, lo and behold, I didn't even have to wait five seconds into our wonderful teacher's directions before I had an opportunity to practice: my teacher was on the next mat.

Within six inches of me, gangly and unfettered by social grace, the guy on the mat next to mine proceeded to sweat, grunt, and move in every direction except the one being offered as an instruction. His energy was all over the place, his physicality was imposing and he was anything but grounded. During the class, no less than four times, he got up and left the room, stomping by me (in smelly socks, yikes!) with grunts and groans, muttering complaints about the class being too dificult. He had obviously had a bad day, and was committed to making sure that I would be joining him.

I just tried to focus, to breathe, to stay centered and unmoved by his presence. It worked, sort of. I got through the class without any major disruptions, but truth be told, by the end I was ready to throttle this guy. I knew in my heart that I should just "let it go" and relax, but the New Yorker in me was pissed: I had paid my money, I wanted my personal space to be inviolate; I wanted to be LEFT ALONE! Yikes. Where was my compassion for this guy? Well, the good news was that I did find a bit of loving energy in me towards the end. After all the stretching and breathing and centering--and attempting to stay inside rather than focus on him--I did feel a well of a giggle coming up through my throat as he fumbled to roll up his mat. And with the humor came the empathy and with the empathy came the compassion. I smiled sympathetically at him as we stood waiting to put away our mats, and lo and behold, he abruptly APOLOGIZED for disturbing my practice, saying that he had, in fact, had a bad day. I was bowled over, and awakened instantly to his humanity, and to mine. We wound up laughing together about the trials and tribulations of being a "spiritual" New Yorker...

The good news about me, for those of you who are now wondering whether I really should be practicing in a healing profession, is that I do not need three strikes on the head to get the message--two good blows to my ego are usually enough. I am just human--sometimes demanding, controlling, even difficult and judgmental. AND, I am more often compassionate, sensitive to others, empathic and deeply loving. I am here to heal and be healed, and there are glorious teachers placed before me on a daily basis. Like this guy on the mat, and my partner.

The gift of our "chicken wing" moments, for those of us committed to becoming more fully compassionate and loving human beings--which for me are the goals of a spiritual path--is being reminded of our innate humanness, our limitations, our blindspots. Through practices such as meditation and yoga, we can become less reactive, more centered, more able to respond in ways that support constructive outcomes when things go awry. But we should never fall into the trap of thinking we are invulnerable or ego-less. We are all susceptible to a momentary flash of selfishness, rage, or pique. With practice these reactive moments come less often, are less severe, and linger less long...but they will still come, and for that we should be thankful. Likewise, let's be thankful for the brothers, lovers, partners and friends who bring them to us, for unlike the guy who runs (ran) the Zen/yoga center, they keep us on track...and...out of jail!

So take heart. Be human. Be humble. Next time you have a "chicken wing" moment, take a deep breath, giggle at your ineptitude, and give yourself a great big spoonful of compassion. Doctor's orders.

cheers,

Dr. J

A Raisin in the Sun

2007-03-11T16:46:00.000-04:00

"What happens to a dream deferred? / Does it dry up / like a raisin in the sun?" From "Harlem", a poem by Langston Hughes (1902-1967)...

Recently, I discovered a wonderful new book called "Mindfulness and Psychotherapy", edited by christopher K. Germer, Ronald D. Siegel, and Paul R. Fulton. In this book, perhaps for the first time, fully credentialed clinical psychologists explore the applicability of mindfulness practices derived from Eastern contemplative traditions for the treatment of depression, anxiety, and other serious psychological disorders. Basically, this book tells therapists how, when, and why to use meditation techniques as an adjunct to psychotherapy, something that I've been doing for years. As a therapist who has respectfully practiced and studied the healing ways of Eastern, Native American and indigenous cultures for a number of years, it is a revelation to finally see these disparate worlds colliding in a positive,and affirmative manner. I highly recommend this book to anyone whose interests span the chasm between Eastern spirituality and Western psychology.

In the chapter on treating depression, there is wonderful anecdote about how one therapist used the power of one single raisin to break through the diagnostic barrier we so matter-of-factly call "depression". I loved this story because it perfectly illustrates one of the foundational principles of my "Life-shifting" approach to transformation and self-renewal: we are not our LABELS. So much of our self-worth and self-esteem is wrapped up in how we identify ourselves--our titles, our addresses, our resumes, our family ties, even in some cases, our diagnoses! Yet, it is only when we wake up and realize that we are much more that our surface identifications that we become open to possibility and free to choose other options for our lives. The label "depression," it seems to me, is rapidly becomeing one of the most egregious examples of this process of over-identification. In this case, following a tactic openly propogated by pharmaceutical companies, more and more of us are self-identifying as "depressed" and reaching for the pills! Eventually, if big Pharma has its way, we will ALL be diagnosed as depressed and the market for anti-depressants will cover the entire population. Now that is a marketing coup!

But I do digress. Ok, I'll get off my soapbox now and share the raisin story: a patient comes to a therapist with a rather severe case of depression, that he states has drained him of vitality, happiness, and joy. He says that he has been depressed for years, and knows no other state of being. After a few sessions in which they work to create a sense of relationship and safety, the therapist asks him if he is willing to do an experiment with mindfulness. The patient rather reluctantly agrees, willing to try anything to "get off those drugs". In the experiment, the therapist has the patient practice ten minutes of silent sitting, focusing on his breath, guiding him into a state of deep relaxation and calm, becoming aware of himself, his surroundings, and especially, the sensations of his physical body. The therapist then takes a single raisin, and asks the patient to put it in his mouth, to slowly roll the raisin around in his mouth, to feel the sensations in his mouth, and to focus all his attention on the experience of flavor, texture, and movement as he savors the raisin.

After swallowing the raisin ( we are assuming here that the patient LIKED raisins!) and bringing the patient back slowly into the room, breathing lightly, and staying relaxed, the therapist asks the patient to describe what happened with the raisin. In recounting the experience, the patient uses words like pleasurable, sensuous, tasty, and delicious. The therapists asks the patient if while he was tasting the raisin he felt depressed. The patient sat back and reflected for a moment and said, of course, he was ALWAYS depressed. Yet, when asked again to truly reflect on those ecstatic moments of raisin heaven, the patient had to admit that the experience of tasting the raisin was one of pleasure, not depression.

This experiment between raisin, therapist and patient probably lasted ten minutes. Fifteen tops. Yet, it changed everything. The patient literally woke up to a new reality: he was not always depressed. Depression may have been a good part of his experience, but it was not his whole reality. It was as if the raisin brought in the sun and shined a light on this over-identification with the label, "depressed". Think about it. We are all unhappy at times, sometimes longer than others. Sometimes we find ourselves in pain and the need for help is real. BUT, the window of possibility, the opening to something else, also ALWAYS exists. We sometimes just need a tiny, wrinkled nugget of golden sunshine to remind us of who we really are.

One of the foundational premises of "Mindfulness and Psychotherapy" is that the practice of meditation is designed to bring our experience of ourselves out of our swirling thoughts about the past and the future, and, at least momentarily (and for longer and longer periods as we practice) into the present moment. By sitting quietly, focusing our attention on our breath and the sensations in our body, we become more awake to our present state of awareness. In time, we become aware of the transient and chaotic state of our thinking mind, learning to simply observe our thoughts, feelings and sensations as they shift constantly. In this manner, it becomes possible to begin to detach from our thoughts and connect to our vital and vibrant core--to momentarily glance through the fogged window of judging and labelling out onto that pristine landscape of joy and self-acceptance. Ultimately, the goal of mindfulness practice is freedom; freedom from our attachments to our thoughts about who and what we think we are...even including, possibly, depression.

So what, who and where are the raisins in your life? Are they golden nuggets of sunlight that serve to remind you of your beautiful, vibrant, life-force? OR are they just dried up grapes--symbols for lost dreams like in the Langston Hughes poem--withering and hardening under the glare of loathsome labels like "depression". Either way, the "life-shift", the shift of perspective away from the darkness and out into the light of possibility, is always only a moment away.

You only need to sit still, relax, grab a box of raisins, and breathe...

Happy Munching!!!

Dr J

ps. I am not in cohoots with the California grape-growers union, no matter what the papers say...:-)

The Paradox of Hope

2007-02-06T08:12:00.001-05:00

Do you ever feel like life works like a pendulum? You swing one way for a while...up, up, up...(or down, down, down!) and then, inevitably you find yourself and your life swinging back in equal measure in the opposite direction? No wonder it is so difficult to find a solid place to stand! I often find that when I write about a theme or principle of life-shifting in this blog, that within a short period of time the universe usually compels me to contemplate, read, or re-discover the opposite end of whatever spectrum I happened to be hanging out on. Go figure.

In this instance, having recently written about the power of hope and peak experiences, I suppose it was inevitable that I would stumble across the equally profound and essential dark underbelly of those topics: hopelessness and despair. Why would that have to happen you might ask? Well, in the context of the "life-shifting" approach to transformation and renewal, we have to acknowledge that hopelessness and despair -- and depression, grief, and loss as well -- are the cornerstones on which renewal, joy, and peak experience of any kind are usually built. It is one of the great ironies, and deep paradoxes of life, but true: hope is built on a foundation of hopelessness.

Let me explain. Just as I was completing my blog entry about the "audacity" of hope, I happened upon a favorite book that I hadn't looked at for a while,
When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Difficult Times, by Pema Chodron. Pema is a wonderful Buddhist writer and teacher, who is especially talented at taking esoteric concepts and themes from the Eastern tradition of Tibetan Buddhism, also known as "The Dharma," and applying them in a succinct and user-friendly manner to life in the West. Her voice is compassionate and her ideas in the context of dealing with life's trials and tribulations, are, for the most part practical and inspiring. Some of what she says, however, feels radical and can be quite unnerving. Take hope for instance, she doesn't buy it.

Hope, according to Pema, is a false idol, a cover-up for fear and a resistance to truth. She says, quite bluntly, that we must "give up hoping that there is somewhere better to be, that there is someone better to be, otherwise we will never relax with where we are or who we are, right now." Sounds reasonable until you realize that she means it full-on: we should embrace hopelessness, not hope. Hopelessness, by which she means a totally and complete surrender to the truth of impermanence, change, groundlessness, and ultimately, death. In the context of the Buddhist tradition, everything else is a form of denial, a cover-up for unexpressed fear. And so with hope.

Is this really the case? How can we believe in "life-shifting", in self-renewal and re-birth, if we let go of all hope for "something better"? This is a difficult place to land, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually. In some ways, the intersection of hope (West) and hopelessness (East) divides the cultural construct of two different worldviews. Yet, the ironic twist is that in the end the Eastern perspective of hopelessness may be more hopeful. Here in the West, what I observe in my clients (and sometimes in myself) is a tendency to hold so tight to our fantasy of happiness and achievement and success, that we live in misery with the absolute unattainability of our endless aspirations. We wallow in unfulfillment...and sometimes drown in despair. My sense of the view that Pema is advocating cuts through the despair and surrenders to a deeper truth, that we are not in control.

But all is not lost. My view is this: hope is a valid experience and a uniquely human attribute. It is a gift available to us at any moment, but its price is hopelessness. We must let go of our self-centered belief that we are actually going to get somewhere, achieve something, or, in fact, single-handedly change the world. These are all fantasies of the ego. The crucial turning point is, to use the cliche, "letting go and letting God". Yet, this doesn't have to leave us bereft, lost, or alone. Consider for a moment, the sun, our sun. We know that it is but one of a billion stars just like it in a billion gallaxies that fan across the dark recesses of space, yet the sun is hardly unimportant: it gives us life. It makes a difference, AND SO DO WE. What about our amazing ability to experience consciousness, to feel hopeful in the face of certain death, to derive MEANING from the beauty of a single flower? We are co-creators in the dance we call "reality". Without us, the sun is a burning ball of gas; with us, the sun fuels the cells that bring beauty, passion, love and joy to the world. We may be mere drops of water in the vast sea of the universe,yet we are also the divine craftspeople of a world that matters.

Ultimately, we may have no idea why we are here or what it all means. From Pema's perspective, only by staring directly into the mystical face of this deep truth, can we begin to relax, lighten up, even chuckle about the absurdity of it all...and allow the next moment to unfold unencumbered by our fantasy or need. In that moment of spacious unknowing, we are free...to live...to create...and to behold joy. To my mind, a rather hopeful perspective.

What do you think? I'm hoping for a solution!!!

Cheers,

Dr J