Random blatherings by Battlemaxx

2009-06-07T19:21:00.000+02:00

Customer called in, said his computer was making a noises that sounded like a dying yak. My first thought was "How do you know what a dying yak sounds like?" then I started to ask "African or European yak?"

2009-03-03T23:03:00.001+01:00

She used wax paper because she was out of aluminum foil.
Now the oven is smoking.
Menthols, I think.

2009-02-27T22:40:00.002+01:00

So, there was an article about my company in a big magazine a couple of years ago. It wasn't favorable, and a co-worker just found it.
So, I explained that at least we weren't sub-contractors on the Death Star.My co-worker gets a puzzled look on his face and asks what is the Death Star.
I explain Star Wars, the Death Star, etc. to him.
He said he hasn't watch Star Wars.
I went and disabled his computer account and contacted HR.

2009-02-11T22:48:00.003+01:00

Our support phone number ends up published in various places so occasionally we get oddball phone calls. Today I had a vendor that called, and with an accent told me "I have technology that we just
invented that could have prevented 9/11."

So, I'm thinking to myself either he hasn't mastered the language OR he has mastered time travel. I'm hoping for the latter.

2009-01-26T17:15:00.003+01:00

So, Lewis Black has that comedy bit about the dumbest thing he had ever heard. A phrase along the lines of "If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college"

Well, I defy you to find me a better ticket than this one:

Customer submits a web incident requesting service because the "back" button has disappeared from her web browser.
She elaborates that she has restarted the browser, rebooted the system and the problem continues. Even includes a screenshot indicating where the button should be, and generally seems to be with it and done a few troubleshooting steps on her own.

I call for follow-up, per our operating procedure. The customer tells me she resolved the incident. I thank her. She offers up that she was able to fix it by making sure her speakers were turned on. I confirmed that the "back" button was again appearing, she said yes but still had to work out the volume level but everything was fine. Again I made sure her browser was fine, and she was telling me about checking the speaker cables. I resolved the issue.

Some day I should write a book.
If someone would send me crayons I could also have illustrations.

2008-12-23T03:01:00.000+01:00

So, got my ass kicked in Yahtzee this weekend by my 88 year old aunt who has dementia.

2008-10-23T01:04:00.001+02:00

So, I thought I was training the wife.
When she made a good meal, I told her.
When it was tasty and there were leftovers I would take them to work, then tell her how I enjoyed them.
When she made a bad meal, I wouldn't comment on it.
I'd praise good, say nothing for bad.
When she'd take the bad stuff and make me lunch, I'd forget it at home several days, if necessary.
She hasn't been paying attention or doesn't care.
I'm thinking of a new rule.
Every bad meal means she has to have the sex with me.
That'll teach her.
I'll be fat and horny in weeks!

2008-09-21T16:24:00.000+02:00

So I sent a bag of marbles down to my wife with the youngest. I'd found the marbles while looking for my copy of Civ3.
I had the child ask my wife if she had lost 'em.
I think I am in trouble.

2008-09-15T19:55:00.000+02:00

McCain would be like jabbing yourself in the eye with a fork for the next four years.

2008-09-12T23:01:00.001+02:00

McCain's selection of Palin makes Bush look like Einstein for choosing Quayle.

2008-09-10T02:00:00.000+02:00

The wife cooked something, said it was dinner.
SHE LIED!
It was this nasty smelling and tasting fish.
Even the kids didn't want to try it.
She tried calling it "chicken nugget"
She insulted chicken nuggets, imo.
She went to her meeting tonight.
She asked if she should bring something home.
I said food.

2008-09-08T15:06:00.001+02:00

It is barely 9 a.m. and I think if I took 100 calls today I couldn't get one that topped this opening line...

"Can you help me? I accidentally terminated myself..."

I'm like did you accidentally trip, sign a letter of resignation and have it fly into your boss or something?

Or, do we have a secret "I QUIT" web site no one has told me about...

In any case, Best. Call. Today.

2008-08-26T22:44:00.001+02:00

So, here is one for today:

"I can't login."
Yeah, your password has expired.
"Does that mean I have to change it?"
Yes, because it expired you'll need to set a new password.
"Well, I'm not going to change it just because it expired. I like my
password."

Here is what I said: Okay, suit yourself but you know what needs to be
done. Let us know if we can assist you further.
Here is what I wanted to say: Okay, suit yourself but with an expired
password you can't get into the system, access your e-mail or submit
your time. So I hope the password you enjoy so much is worth not
getting paid and losing your job. Airhead.

2008-08-25T16:40:00.001+02:00

"It isn't working."
What isn't working?
"The thing."
What thing?
"My e-mail."
What is working about your e-mail?
"It just won't work."
Okay. It doesn't work. Do you get an error message, a prompt, a dialogue box or any indication of an issue?
"Yes."
Okay. What?
"Nothing happens."
Okay, reboot your computer.
"I did, nothing happens."
Okay.
...

2008-08-13T02:09:00.000+02:00

You'll have some of the best sex ever, after you are married.
Mostly with yourself or your girlfriend, though.

2008-07-24T02:19:00.000+02:00

At work today this guy was nuking his food.
It was a couple of veggie dishes that didn't look all that good.
I told him that if he was better at the sex his wife would make him better stuff for lunch.
He said I was probably right.
Later I smiled at him and said "Look, my wife packed cheesecake in my lunch!"
I came close to asking him why his wife kept sending me cupcakes and fruit rollups.
I was being nice.

2008-07-22T23:15:00.001+02:00

Well, dinner time.
I don't think it counts as dinner. It is some sort of fish.

2008-07-12T23:36:00.000+02:00

Well, I wonder if the wife will make dinner or if I should drive and obtain food.
I could hunt and gather, 'cept Kroger's usually frowns on you carrying a spear and chucking it at the beef counter.

2008-06-21T02:17:00.000+02:00

It is her wedding.
You think any different, you are wrong.
The wedding is for her.
The reception is for friends and family and the honeymoon is for the couple.
Some time later, you realize you were just there to facilitate all of it.
I got married so I could go to Disney World.
It turns out you don't have to go there just for a honeymoon.
You can also take her back there when she is knocked up.

2008-06-19T22:32:00.000+02:00

So, this morning one of my callers informed me that I was rude and she did not like my attitude.
I told her to shut her cake hole and take a Midol.
[ma9mwah] she knew you
Actually I said "Mom, stop calling here!"

2008-06-19T15:13:00.000+02:00

Some Days...

Some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed.
You come into work, the phones are already queued up so you know it is going to be rough.
Your first caller turns out to be as excited to be here as you are, and immediately starts griping.
So, the caller goes off about how they've been looking at instructions for an hour, clicked every link and read everything on the site about how to do this one thing.
I ask a couple of questions, and the customer lies.
I finally ask "Do you see the button at the very top with the big lettering that says 'First time users click here to get started?' and did you click it?"
They said no, click it, the app pops up and they act amazed and grumble.

I don't think this is funny, it is just more of life in the skewed Dilbertian Help Desk.

2008-06-04T22:05:00.002+02:00

I am afraid Scott Adams can't make up humor like this.

I got an e-mail telling me about an e-mail that was coming out about how to fix something.
I got an e-mail telling me to read the e-mail about the fix.
I got the fix e-mail.
I got an e-mail telling me to read the fix e-mail.
I am expecting an e-mail asking me if I read the e-mail telling me to read the e-mail that was about the fix.
I hope e-mail breaks.

2008-06-04T22:02:00.000+02:00

First call of the day...

Caller: "Umm, yeah I can't get into my e-mail, it says the password has expired. When I try to log into the system it says the password has expired and I need to change it. If I go to the web site, it says something about a password being expired. Is there a problem with my password and could it be expired?"

Me: *click* dial-tone

I think I have a case of "The Mondays".

2008-05-28T02:50:00.001+02:00

So, the radio is on, a song comes and goes and a bit later one of the kids comes over and asks me what a booty is and how to make it talk.
All my hair greyed instantly.

2008-05-24T18:14:00.000+02:00

Well, the four year old came home mad.
Apparently you can't lay on the t-ball field while they play.
She got mad when her coach, her mom, her grandma, the other coach, and people in the stands yelled at her to stand up.