If Ummah is happy, everybody happy.

i can't stand the suspense!

2009-11-10T09:23:00.000-08:00

so far we are swine flu free. but i know it's coming. odds are, noah will get it at school and bring it home to share. i'm not too worried about him. it's nat getting it that freaks me out. besides the crazy respiratory troubles it's supposed to bring, she probably will stop eating like she does whenever she gets sick and any ground i gained in these last two months will be lost.

i've called around asking if anyone has the vaccine, but there have only been a couple of clinics where you have to stand in line for hours on a saturday. and even then, they'd only have something for noah. not nat, so the line wouldn't be worth it. (i dunno why they only offer vaccines for kids ages 2-9 and then tell you how scary it can be the younger you are.) especially because i'd be in the line for hours with two of them all by myself. no thank you.

so although noah has still been going to school, i haven't been doing much else with them. our disneyland passes are completely going to waste because on days i would usually take them i've decided to stay home instead. besides a couple of playdates, nat's world is currently confined to our backyard, well disinfected shopping carts and a fairly empty park or two where i put a disinfecting wipe in her hand which she will switch between the hands as she plays thereby disinfecting without really knowing she is. she loves to clean things, so she'll sometimes use the wipe to wipe down the whole playground structure. kids who come after us are pretty lucky, i think.

even with the precautions, i'm fairly certain we won't be able to dodge the bullet forever, unless we get the vaccine first. so every time one of them sneezes or coughs or sniffles, i think "this is it. i'm not sleeping for the next two weeks." and by the end of the day noah will be telling me "stop touching my head, mommy!" because i will have checked for a fever every half hour.

i know even with the scary stories, my kids will probably be ok even if the dreaded h1n1 visited us. at the same time, i just can't afford it right now. i can't afford the time, energy or sleep. i haven't shared much here, but "we" are escrowing for our first home right now (long story, probably won't share here because it's family stuff but we are buying from family to help them out but to cut costs we are not using an agent....which means i get to do all that fun stuff!), i'm applying noah to schools in two different countries because we don't know where we will be next fall when he needs to start kindergarten, there is the BIG MOVE BACK TO HAWAII coming up, the holidays are coming with most of the gifts needing to be mailed out this year and oh yeah, i still have sole parent duty stuff to do every day. plus, with christmas looming and business not going so great as of lately, my parents are stressed about how they will do this holiday season which means there is less of them to go around and i don't want to contribute to their exhaustion.

it's not that bad. usually i'm FINE. there are even moments when i'm immensely grateful and happy that i have such a full life. but. there are also days where i find myself in the car alone running a quick errand while my mom is at home with natty napping. i think to myself how easy and wonderful it would be to just keep driving. to forget the errand and drive up to san francisco or down to san diego and check into a hotel and just lie on the bed ALONE in the QUIET for 24 hours. but i don't.

anyway, that's why i'm so scared of the swine flu. the end.

you better watch out

2009-10-17T00:01:00.000-07:00

the flu was here. no, not the piggy flu--thank goodness, because our natty would definitely be one of those that would have to go to the hospital--but the old fashioned kind. natty and i had our shots, but i was kinda late in getting noah his.

he must have picked up the germs the day of or right before because the day after his flu shot he started to get the sniffles. then a fever. then the barfing. i know, it sounds like swine flu, but we've been assured it isn't because the doctor said "he doesn't look sick enough." i wanted to argue that maybe he did have it, just a case where his body was fighting back really well. but they were really busy, and natty was crying and noah kept asking if he was getting another shot, and well, i decided to keep my mouth shut. i figured that if it was the swine flu, then natty and i already have it anyway and at least this way he's been vaccinated in a way.

during the day it was fine, but at night noah's nose got all stuffed up and he couldn't sleep. and if he was awake so was everyone else because he kinda screamed with frustration because he couldn't "breaf with my nose!!!" "i will die!" he said. and the screaming made the baby really unhappy too. and we were all grumpy during the day when noah could nap just fine with his mouth closed. this inability to breath through his nostrils seemed to only happen at night in his bed. i don't think he was completely faking. i think there were a couple of nights where he probably was a little stuffy and it was annoying. but i babied him and let him stay up with me, and now he's at the brink of death every night.

i am not enjoying this new battle to get him to go to sleep every night. i am going to have to start putting my foot down. being the single parent i am right now however, i plan to use Santa Clause as part of my foot putting down plan. you know, the whole "uh oh. santa is watching." thing.

see, we've been dying to get a Wii. dying. but we've put it off because when we borrowed it from a friend once, noah tried to play and he couldn't get the concept of having to point the wand at the sensor. it frustrated him and there was so much throwing of the wand with crying that i called my friend up a few days later and told her to come pick it up. but, he doesn't have that problem anymore and there's been a recent price cut on them, and well, everyone else has one. so that's what Santa is bringing us. it didn't seem to phase noah that santa has chosen the gift for him choosing his own. in fact, i think he was amazed at how perfectly santa knew what his heart desired. and hence, the threat of santa dropping off a lump of coal instead of the Wii is very powerful stuff, i imagine.

the silver lining is that because he's sleeping later, he's getting up later. why, up until last week before all this nostril being stuffed up madness, he popped up like a jack in the box every. single. morning between 5:30 and 6. but, now he cries "mommy, wake up!" (seriously, that's what i wake up to every morning. i'm gonna pay him back when he's a teenager and just walk into his room yelling "noah wake up!" at the top of my lungs on weekend mornings.) at 7 ish! i'm telling you, that is a miracle in my life. 7! that's like, almost normal.

and yes, just like last year, i've brought up christmas even before halloween has passed.....again. sorry. it's just that i really REALLY like that time of year. and this year it's just something that i hope comes soon because although captain j won't be home yet, it'll mean mere weeks until he does come home for good.

AND there will be snow. i love hawaiian christmases, which means that it's probably a nice 74 degrees instead of summer's 78, while we sing carols and unwrap presents. but, i have to admit it kind of gives me butterflies to imagine that we might actually celebrate the way it was meant to be. all huddled together in sweaters before a fire. i'm planning to take the kids and coax some family to a cabin at big bear mountain after a good snow. noah's never seen it before.

but yes. first. halloween.

onward ho!

2009-10-01T12:29:00.001-07:00

i guess i caused some concern with the mention of introducing a one year old to twinkies and micky-Ds. fear not my friends. she HATED twinkies and mcdonalds anything. and you know what? it was interesting to me how awful and fake twinkies tasted. i hadn't had one in ten years and i bought a pack and bit into it enthusiastically because i remember them being really good. then she watched me spit it out, because yuck. she did stick a finger in the cream and lick it. then she wiped her hands on her shirt and walked away.

so.

i decided to do things her way. i've expanded her menu with: natural peanut butter on butter crackers, hormone free ham, suhlungtang (a thick korean beef soup), and other meat soups, fruit that she loves with home made whip cream, nuts (peanuts/cashews/pine), other korean fatty fish that i don't know the name of but my mom brings it home from the korean store now, stuff like korean pancakes and jun fried in lots of olive oil, rice mixed with sesame oil (with a little salt, seaweed and some teeny friend and seasoned anchovies made into little rice balls perfect for her teeny hands) and get this, she loves crab legs dipped in butter. oh, and she'll eat whole legs of the Korean Fried Chicken from the chain from the motherland, BBQ (stands for Best of the Best Quality Chicken. they fry it in Olive oil. it's really good stuff man. i could never go back to KFC now.) most of the non korean stuff is from trader joe's. i don't know what i'm going to do without them next year. they aren't in hawaii yet. they have such good things for so cheap.

she was already and is still getting 1 to 2 pediasures a day, one serving of yobaby yogurt a day and all the milk she wants to drink plus lots of seaweed, veggies and fruit. i have to admit that the increase in variety has made things a little more fun -- although it's a pain to have to buy so many different things now.

she will NOT eat eggs. not boiled, not fried, not scrambled, or poached. tofu has also been hard. although i've concealed it in her soups and mandoo with some success. she was also really unhappy with any kind of protein powder added drink i gave to her. but other that that, think it's going well. we'll have to see, i guess.

oh, i guess i should mention that i'm focusing on increasing her protein so much because her blood test came back indicating that she's not taking in enough. it's a little concerning because she actually loves meat and eats some at each meal. plus she drinks a fair amount of milk. at the same time, i'm hoping i wasn't giving her enough and that's why her levels were low, not because she's unable to absorb it or something.

also, we weighed her yesterday because i had to stop by the doctor's office for something. and she's actually lost 2 ounces.

i am trying not to worry.

in other news, captain j left yesterday. it was a wild two weeks for him. for me, it was really nice not to have to be in charge of ALL the baths and diapers and reading of books and feeding. this parenting thing is so much easier with a partner.

it was also pleasantly surprising how fast natty took to a guy she probably doesn't remember. it was a trip for him to see a walking talking little girl. he last saw her at 10 months. but for her, he was a stranger at first. at the airport she kind of hid behind me and resisting him picking her up. but then she saw the way her brother ran joyously into his arms and hung onto him every chance he got, and she soon enough decided that he was pretty cool after all. towards the end of the visit she preferred him over anyone except me.

there was much eating, fun and merriment. we did a trip to disneyland and a road trip to vegas which turned into a family reunion with people flying in from northern california and honolulu. it wasn't as hard to say goodbye as i thought it would be. there was some crying from noah this time. but for the most part i think we're both optimistic people. seeing as how relatively safe things have been for him so far my anxiety level has gone down. 4 more months. we agreed to power through it and end things well.

almost there.

2009-09-12T11:13:00.000-07:00

captain j will be here in a matter of days. DAYS!!! he'll be here for a couple of weeks getting some much needed R and R. i can't wait to get my arms around my hot stud muffin.

eh hem.

anyhoo. yah. so i have much eating and gallivanting around southern california to look forward to. i suspect much of the eating will involve korean food because i hear they don't have much of it in iraq. he did say that the cooks there tried to do "asian" day one day and he ended up eating salad and cereal i think. but here we will enjoy korean bbq all you can eat, soon dubu (spicy tofu stew), jja jjang myun (noodles), my mom's kalbi and keh jang and my kochijang spicy pork ribs. to start. i think mexican is the next priority on his list and i think he'll be happy to find that i've found some good hole in the wall places.

the joy of eating. isn't it wonderful?

unfortunately, for natty it's not that joyful right now. we went in for her 18 month check up (although i forgot and she's actually 19 months right now) and she's the same weight she was at her 12 month check up and at her 16 month check up. she's still in 9 month clothing. i swore i thought she felt heavier. and the thing is, it's not that she isn't eating. sure she has her picky days. but she also has days when she eats more than her brother at a meal, or constantly eats all day. after her 16 month check up her doctor did say that if her weight didn't significantly improve by the next appointment, i'd have to get some tests done on her and come in often for weight checks. so actually, i've been giving her one pediasure a day and huge chocolate chip cookies for snacks. and to me, it looked like it was working. she got a bit taller and a lot heavier (i thought.) i guess i was wrong.

yesterday they took her blood. to check of anemia, lead and other stuff. i came home with instructions to feed her high calorie things. i went to the grocery store and filled my cart with cookies, sara lee pound cake, avocados, salmon, butter, white cream bread, cream cheese carnation instant breakfast mix, ice cream, chocolate, pudding, bacon and olive oil. mission fatten up the baby is ON.

one suggestion was to leave out a nibble tray. a tray with small portions of foods with high calories for her to graze on throughout the day. another was to mix butter or olive oil into all of her food somehow. so today i've prepared the tray with little finger food slices of pound cake, a chocolate cookie, and some potato chips. she's getting fried rice with bacon, onions, potatoes, zucchini and like half a stick of butter in it for lunch with pediasure in a sippy cup.

i have to admit though that as i'm fixing her food, my mind just keeps screaming "this is so wrong!" it just feels so wrong to feed her so much fat and junk, which is why she has such a hard time eating it right now. she prefers the food i worked hard at getting her and noah to like. fish soups, fish (all kinds), seaweed, veggies, whole wheat bread (noah used to refuse a sandwich on white bread because he thought something was wrong with the bread), korean dried anchovies (she'll eat these on it's own straight on of a fridge, much like other kids eat chips), curry and mandoo. yesterday i offered her some potato chips. she good naturedly took one, took a bite, set it down and walked to the fridge to ask for an anchovy. sigh.

which means i'm trying to figure out how to add fats to foods that she's already eating. hence, the modified friend rice. it tastes pretty good so i think she'll eat it. tonight i'm thinking of making her some oxtail soup but leaving it fat in it instead of skimming it off. but really. that just feels soooooooo wrong.

hopefully she'll have gained a couple of pounds instead of a mere couple of ounces by next month. they are having me bring her in once a month to check her growth. if things don't improve the next step will be to see an endocrinologist. i'm sure she's ok. it's just that noah was always so healthy and big and strong. looking at her teeny tinyness sometimes worries me. what if there is something wrong? what if that's why she was teeny tiny in my tummy making them take four ultrasounds to make sure she was growing? what if that's why she came early?

those are just vague brief thoughts as i go about my day though. i'm sure she's ok. i guess it's time to introduce her to some mcdonald french fries. maybe that'll open those flood gates.

i'm baaaaack

2009-08-26T17:34:00.000-07:00

but then again, maybe you never noticed i was gone. i sure didn't. i can't believe it's been so long.

time is finally flying by. it's a good thing. it's like we've crested a big hill and i can finally feel the momentum pulling us down.

captain j has what he says are definite dates for his R and R (army talk for vacation). in less than a month i will have my beef cake back. eh hem.

age 4 for noah IS turning out to be truly magical. let's talk about how much i LOVE impulse control. people! that was the problem the whole time.

but then natty is turning up the heat, so it all evens out again. she's the one refusing to sit for any meal or in any shopping cart/stroller/highchair. she has discovered that SCREAMING for what she wants works with grandma and grandpa. she says "no!" with all the authority she can muster with her little self. and she's doing that thing where she purposely throws things when she doesn't want it. it's ok when it's a plush toy. not so ok when it's an open container of chocolate pudding.

as for me, the month of august has been the month of malls. to beat the heat and for some variety, i've been touring the various malls of southern california and orange county. i love the South Coast Plaza in costa mesa, but oh my, i visited The Grove yesterday in West LA, and let me tell you it's AMAZING. besides huge elaborate fountains everywhere, it had every store i could think of, plus stores i'd never seen like a full on American Girl place. i have no idea what that is all about yet, but i think with natty already carrying dolls around and trying to feed them her food, i will soon enough. oh. and i went into their barnes and nobles and my jaw dropped open. it was three stories of wonderful bookness. the selection made me salivate and wish i didn't have a toddler who didn't want to wait quietly in the stroller with me. it's so sad that it was over an hour drive for me. you people who live near there are very lucky.

other accomplishments this summer? i've memorized the Wicked soundtrack. i've made my way through my Netflix queue. i've learned the mafia wars, bejeweled and scramble are WAY too addicting. i've read all the books that was supposed to last me a whole year. oops. gosh, i sound like i totally neglect my kids and just watch movies, play on the computer and read the whole day. but i promise you and my korean mother who always points out that i should be using my time more wisely that all this got done during natty's nap while noah was at school, or after they've gone to sleep for the night. well, except the memorizing of Wicked. that happened during car rides to the malls. see? i AM using my time wisely.

now that we're halfway through this deployment and pretty settled, i'm finally starting to look ahead. three years in korea is still definitely on the table. but so is getting out completely and setting up house back in honolulu. there have been some intense discussions over skype that end with "well, we don't have to decide now. let's think about it." and you know, we don't have to decide now. we're going to think about it. then again, being in the military means that they take care of you, but you have less choice (probably what all those people against this health care reform thing are worried about, but that's a whole 'nother post. and in case you're wondering, my parents don't have health care because they have preexisting conditions and it's too expensive, so i think you know where i stand on this issue.) so all this discussing might be actually over something moot because they might demand something entirely different.

we'll see.

peeved, but should i be?

2009-07-18T17:23:00.000-07:00

noah has been attending VBS (vacation bible school) at our church for the past three days. in hawaii, we had vbs during the day with field trips and stuff, but here it's expected to take place in the evening with dinner and games. at first, i thought it was weird to have that kind of activity at night, but it's been wonderful. i can see how it's a helpful ministry to parents. you drop off your kid(s) and they are fed, enriched and spiritually stimulated, while you go on a date, or in my case, to the mall or to the movies. i'm sad it came to an end last night.

on thursday night, i figured out that i could catch a screening of the newest harry potter movie if i dropped him off a wee bit early. i calculated that i'd get out just in time to pick him up.

C happened to be one of the teachers, so i dropped him off with her and booked it to the theater, which was kind of full, but it's always easy to find a spot of one.

anyways, at the ticket booth, i took out my money and military ID like i always do at the movies. i never really know how much i save, but ever since i've had my ID, i've slipped it under the window to receive the discount they usually have for us military folk. instead of receiving my ticket however, the long limbed teenage boy behind the counter lamely told me "sorry, we don't have anything for military."

wha? it seriously took me a minute to process what he said. it was so unexpected.

eventually, i said "really?" as i took back my ID and he took my money and charged me for the regular general admission amount. then suddenly "that's horrible!" popped out of my mouth as i took the ticket and entered the theater. as i bought my popcorn and found my seat, i wondered what i meant by "that's horrible!" seriously, it was a completely uninhibited reaction.

part of me wanted to talk to the manager immediately and demand to know why they didn't have a military discount. none of the other theaters that i've been to in southern california had decided it wasn't an important thing to have. i wanted to know what made this theater decide that giving a military discount wasn't something they wanted to do.

but then i wondered if i had any case at all. i mean, it's a discount. they don't HAVE to give one if they don't want to. and what makes me so special anyway? just because my husband is in iraq? how would they know that anyway? there isn't a big military population in the area, so maybe the discount doesn't get taken advantage of often enough.

in the end, i just let it be. i was curious about the reason for the military being left out of the usual discount list of seniors and students, but i didn't have enough time to approach anyone. and it felt funny to be so offended for not getting a couple of bucks shaved off.

i don't know though. if i find myself back at that theater often enough, i might approach someone just to ask WHY.

oh, and just in case you are a member or dependent of the military and want to know which theater it is, it's the Brea Stadium theaters on Birch St.

the days of the week

2009-07-15T15:58:00.000-07:00

oh, it's so sad. natty doesn't nurse anymore, but she requests to see my boob once in awhile. when i lift up my shirt, she squeals like she's seeing a long lost friend, and then she closes her eyes, sticks her thumb in her mouth and cuddles up against it. this weaning business hasn't been easy. she'll wake up in the middle of the night and cry in frustration because she's lost the thing that would help her sleep. but, she has been eating more and drinking a ton more milk, which is what i was going for.

i wish she hadn't been biting at every nursing session, and i wish she'd have taken the hint and dropped her feedings gradually so that only her bedtime feedings were left. i would totally have not had a problem nursing her at night for another year. ah well. 'twas not meant to be.

and 4 does seem to be a magic number for noah. i was told that he would mellow out at 4. i wouldn't say he's mellowed out exactly, but he's definitely developing some impulse control (thank the Lord!) and just starting to care more about others. now it's natty that's the problem when we go out to restaurants to eat or to the park. she WON'T sit in a high chair ("no! no!" she says in her itty bitty voice with a firm shake of the head), and she WON'T eat off of her own plate because the same thing on yours looks so much better. she WILL squeal and wiggle until you just have to let her down onto the ground, and which point she's off and running.

i know, typical one year old stuff. what did i expect right? yeah, but even if you know something is coming, doesn't make it easier as it's happening.

now my week looks like this:

monday: get up, have breakfast together, get noah dressed and off to school, dress natty and play for a bit, put her down for a nap, leave her in the care of my ummah as i head out for my 3 hours of ME time (usually to shop, read magazines at a book store, have lunch with a friend or watch a movie), get back and take a ready to go natty out into the yard or to a park to play so my ummah can have HER me time, pick up noah, play, help get dinner on the table, feed, give baths, get jammies on, brush teeth, get on the computer while they play with toys, read books (two each), say prayers, sleep (them), tv (for me), a couple hundred rounds of bejeweled blitz, sleep (for me.)

tuesday: same thing, except this is my parent's day off so it's more of an adventure day. we'll all spend part of the morning cleaning and organizing the house together. then i'll tag along to the jewelry district in downtown LA, or an outlet, or Korea town. there's is usually a yummy lunch and lots of help with natty. i get back in time to pick up noah and dinner, bath, play, books, prayer, sleep, tv, bejeweled blitz, sleep is the same.

wednesday: mom and dad work all day, so it's pretty quiet. i usually get errands done, grocery shop and cook on this day. i'll cook some banchan (korean side dishes), make something yummy for dinner, and cook up some things for the kids to snack on (cupcakes, cookies, fried rice, chicken long rice...), then off to pick up noah and dinner, bath, play, books, prayer, sleep, tv, BB, sleep.

thursday: i've gotten most of my pressing things done yesterday, but i usually have some things i've got to get done during natty's nap like, pay bills, rotate toys in toy room, sort through kids clothes that are getting too small, wash the car, write social emails....stuff like that. my mom might get home earlier if business isn't that brisk. she'll take over and finish off the dinner i started while i keep the kids entertained.

friday: knowing that noah will be home for the two days during the weekend, i feel a bit of pressure to get done things that i might not be able to do with two kids in tow. this is the day i tend to buy gifts to wrap and hide before noah gets home, tidy up the patio and yard to prep for weekend use, make purchases that take lots of thought and time (clothes shopping, electronic purchases) and i try to get in a decent amount of online time because when i'm alone with noah and nat, i've found that it's best to just focus on them and not even try to join cyber world.

saturday: is "no hakgyo (school) day!" as noah says. we usually laze around in the morning and i let noah watch some tv. hey, that was my favorite part of saturday mornings. we'll usually wander out into the yard/patio at some point to check on our garden and the kids play while i read or play with them. we might have playmates over at this point. i serve lunch around 12, and try to get them down to a nap around 1. after our siesta, i usually take them for some sort of outing. when it was cooler, we went to the park a lot. but now that it's baking outside during that time of day, we go anywhere there's air conditioning. this may include your house. but it's mostly target or barnes and nobles. weekends are busy for my parents, so i usually figure out dinner. because i'm out, i usually buy something quicker. then, dinner and the rest is the same.

sunday: church day. get up, get breakfast, get gussied up and head out to church. i usually grab lunch on the way home after church and we eat in front of a dvd kid movie before all crashing together for a nap. but last week, we went over to the church friends house where young families like ours gathered together for lunch. it was fun. we might make that more of a regular thing. whether we're at someone's house or our own, sunday afternoon play is usually more peaceful. we've gotten the wild, yelling kind of play out of the way the day before, and all the joyful praising at church has helped to make us ready for gentler fun. then, dinner and the same.

and then it starts all over again. seriously, if you know what day of the week it is, you'll know what i'm up to.

today was D day

2009-07-02T23:06:00.000-07:00

today was the day. natty turned 16 months today. i told myself i would nurse her for 12 months. i went 4 more months more than that, and figured that it was finally time when she chomped down on my nipple every four sucks. seriously. yesterday when i started bleeding i told her to enjoy her last supper.

there was much crying today. oh how she LOVED my boob. but it finally sank in and she has finally fallen asleep having accepted this new development.

now what to do. i am totally engorged and hurting. i know about the cabbage leaf thing, but alas there is no cabbage in the house and it's nearing midnight. i shall have to get some tomorrow. for tonight, i guess i'll go let out the pressure a bit and then turn in for the night.

honestly, i am giddy with freedom. BUT, when she finally closed her eyes and my ears weren't ringing from her shrill cries anymore, i kind of wondered if i'd done the right thing. i mean, it was TIME. but i really enjoyed being that close to her and being a source of comfort for her than no one else could be. if you haven't had a chance to experience it, it's kind of hard to explain.

anyway, what's done is done. hopefully she'll sleep through the night from pure exhaustion and tomorrow i won't be hurting too much.

excuses, excuses

2009-06-26T20:50:00.000-07:00

please excuse my silence online. i have discovered HOUSE. and i find him oddly hot. so....that's what i've been doing. that, and lots of sudoku.

i suspect i will look back on this time as the Hump. captain j has been gone long enough for me to have really settled into my life here. there seem to be just as many days like the one i'm living now ahead of me as behind me. i'm not complaining. there's lots to do and i'm definitely glad i chose to live out this year apart here. but things are definitely set in a routine and the end seems far off.

even our skype or phone conversations are the same almost everyday. he wants to know about what i did, i want to know how his days went, and usually the same thing happened today that happened yesterday.

that's not bad for me. it's just how it is. but i think the sameness is getting hard for captain j. they don't have weekends or days off there, so he does the same thing EVERY SINGLE DAY. get up, work out, eat, see patients and do paperwork, lunch, see patients and do paperwork, dinner, call/skype family, sleep.

he's due for some r&r septemberish, but i think it's still far enough away that it feels like it will never get here. and i have this real fear that saying goodbye will be doubly difficult when we say goodbye after such a short trip.

maybe a disney trip is in order this weekend to shake off whatever this is.

not so tuff

2009-06-09T15:17:00.000-07:00

i slept barely 3 hours last night. this past saturday, i caught a blurb on the news about a rocket or mortar hitting some place in the green zone. it didn't really bother me. they didn't exactly say anyone was hurt. and it was the weekend, meaning i had two little munchkins to entertain all day.

then he didn't call me that day. which isn't too unusual, except-- well, it is because unless he's away he tries to touch base with me at least once a day, if not more. on sunday, i logged on at some point after church (um, oh yeah, remember how i said i'm not going to go to church this year? turns out the pull is amazingly hard to resist and i've found a really great place. anyway...) and saw that he did try skyping me. once. i was relieved, but still this isn't standard behavior. he usually tries several times in case i couldn't get to the computer fast enough, and then tries my cell in case i'm out. but he'd only tried once.

i started to get a teensy bit worried.

then monday (yesterday), my phone rings during my one "me time" allotment during the week, which i was spending watching Star Trek (so good). i hurry out of the theater and i answer. i recognize the weird number. it's him. but when i answer there's only silence on the other end. then again, he only calls that one time. he doesn't try again, as i wait patiently with phone in hand in the theater hallway. i eventually go back into the movie, hoping he'll try again. there isn't a way for me to call him back. i thought we had a deal. if i don't pick up the first time, try again. at least that was the rule so far.

last night, i couldn't stop the anxious thoughts. what if there's a reason why the calling pattern changed all of a sudden? and if something happened, i realized suddenly, i wasn't too clear how i would find out. did someone have my number somewhere? would someone come to my house?

i tried to fall asleep by consoling myself that no news is actually good news. i got up to shoot him an email asking him to email me back or call when he can somewhere past midnight. i finally fell asleep for a few hours around 3.

i woke up this morning sluggish, but made my way to my computer first thing to check my email. he'd written back. he says he's fine, that he'll call later. good. okay then.

but thinking back on last night, i had to admit that maybe i'm not as strong as i thought i was. obviously i read too much into those missed calls.

this year can't be over soon enough.

where i've been

2009-06-07T15:37:00.000-07:00

i don't know where May or even the first week of June went. seriously. it's been kind of crazy around here. there's been major family drama, each kid has been really sick--twice, we have a family wedding in the works, a family 60th birthday TRIP for my imo (maternal aunt), three different sets of out of town visitors....and other stuff i can't remember.

but i have been around, just not here. i've been posting here.

you'll find that it's picture heavy with lots of happy language. captain j is always asking for pictures, so i thought it might be good to start a new place just for that. i like to keep things sunny because although captain j does read this site, and therefor would know if things were getting difficult, i think he should feel happy and smile when he sees pictures of his babies.

i do not have plans on abandoning this site. i did think that i would have more to write, considering that this is a special year and all. but do you know it's already been SIX MONTHS? and surprisingly, there hasn't been a lot of deep thought about the whole thing on my part. i'm really just chugging along day to day--once in awhile glancing up at a calendar to take note of how much time has passed. and i'm happy to report it's passing by faster.

a little too close

2009-05-16T13:22:00.000-07:00

most of you have probably already read about or heard about the horrible shooting that happened at an army base in iraq that involved a mental health clinic. kind of like the one captain j works at. for security purposes, i don't know the actual name of the camp he is at. i don't know if captain j doesn't want me to know, or if it's an actual military rule, but i just accept that i'm not supposed to know.

so when i brought cnn up on tuesday and saw what happened, my heart stopped. i shoved the fear aside and immediately logged onto skype to see if he was there. and he was. we talked. i knew more than him at the time. he was just hearing about it. he was in another camp. we talked about how tragic it was -- how senseless. we talked about the kids, and what i had planned for the day while he slept over there. and then we said goodbye, i love you and i hung up.

confident that he was ok, i went about my day.

the next day, i received a couple of frantic phone calls from relatives who had just heard of what happened. my phone was low on battery, so i spent the better part of the day without it because i left it charging as i went about my errands. when i heard the fear and anxiety in their voices, i instantly felt horrible. i should have thought beyond myself. i should have known that people would worry.

you learn something new all the time. and the lesson this time was this: when i know he's safe after hearing something scary in the news, let the people who would want to know, know.

here's what i DON'T want to learn: what it's like to be the wife of one of the unfortunate ones who did die. i saw that 3 of the coffins had come home yesterday on the news. it gave me goosebumps to know how close to having that experience be mine was. my thoughts are with those families as they live through something i hope i never have to.

Lord, please give them comfort and peace.

list of care package contents thus far for deployed honey

2009-04-30T13:03:00.000-07:00

i thought i might record the type of things i've been sending out in the flat rate military boxes provided by the US postal service. i've been averaging about one box a week. captain j has asked specifically for different things, but i've also included things that he might miss from home.

cards, drawings my noah, messages on post its with little notes telling him we miss him (he read my blogs, and there's email so there's no need to write a whole lot of detail)
packages of chips
packages of trail mix
protein and granola bars he likes
bottles of his favorite soap and shampoo (although he's told me that he's moved to a place with a PX now so he can get these himself)
little korean soy milk boxes (they look like kid juice boxes)
little packets of keem
packages of nuts (trader joes has these individually packaged nuts that are portioned into perfect snack sizes)
oreos
chocolate bars and other packages of candy he likes
an internet antenna (because although they have wireless internet, captain j doesn't seem to be able to get on without this. i bought it off of amazon and sent it in the box along with an extra extension USB which i thought he could use to move the antenna all around the room. of course, he has a mac and the antenna works with windows. sigh. i feel dumb. but i swear i asked the best buy guy and he said that it would service both so i didn't even check. i'm heading to the apple store sometime this week to try again.)
instant korean noodles where he just has to add hot water.
choco pies
japanese rice crackers
men's health and sports illustrated type magazines
books (just a couple, just in case he might actually want to read one)
rubber slippers (for the shower)
a little album partially filled with some 4x6 pictures of us, with a promise to send more so he can fill up the album while he's there.
binder clips of various sizes
disinfecting wipes
multiple gum packets
deodorizing foot lotion (found a good one at bath and body)

that's been it, so far. in the next package he's asked for more soy milk boxes, the correct antenna and more pictures to put in the album. whenever i'm packing one up it makes me feel good because i'm actually doing something concrete for him instead of just thinking about him or praying for him.

we've also run into our first tricky challenge during captain j's absence. noah's school is hosting an event for dads and their children. noah won't have his dad here to attend. sad. my dad is planning to attend instead, but i'm interested to see how much not having his actual dad here will affect him. maybe he won't even notice. maybe he will.

Day 110

oh how they grow

2009-04-18T22:35:00.000-07:00

natalie is now walking more than crawling. the change really came when she could finally get into the standing position without the aid of a person or furniture. i officially have a toddler now who toddles everywhere. the quiet smiley baby is turning into a distant memory because the current natalie is a gregarious constant moving bundle of fun.

she's especially good at getting things open (packages, ziplocs, purses, chap sticks, boxes...aiya) which helps her during her favorite activity of generally moving around the house poking here and there and exploring/finding things. she's found candy, unwrapped it and eaten it this way. who knows where that candy was, but i can tell you that when i finally caught up with her sucking away happily on a piece of hard candy she had utter joy written all over her face. she was in heaven with the discovery of such a treat. and to think that noah didn't get any until he was past the age of 2.

and noah is now speaking korean 50% of the time in spontaneous fashion. he's into the Konglish stage where he'll start a sentence in one language and finish off with the other. it's actually quite cute with phrases like "mommy, the baby ohla ga (went up)." and "i don't want to dah muh guh (eat it all)." he's so much better too, at playing with other kids than even a few months ago. a year ago, i had to constantly hover because who knew when he'd just decide to push someone over with his massive weight to get what he wanted. but now, he's pretty good at negotiating and can be trusted to come to me if there's a problem. that change alone makes my life SO much easier.

and my special joy from them in recent days is the fact that they are now PLAYING together. it's so seriously touching that it makes my heart stop when i see their heads bent together over something, or laughing together over something. oh my goodness, it's just the best. they don't fight too often yet. it's mostly noah not wanting natalie to have something, or natalie wanting to have something his brother has. but it usually ends with whatever it is in noah's hands, and natalie kind of forlornly looking on. are the fights still yet to come? is this the calm before the storm? we shall see.

Day 98

i got my buttered popcorn

2009-04-08T11:58:00.000-07:00

my parents have tuesdays off. before moving here, i imagined that that would mean i would have tuesdays off too. that they'd take the kids for a bit and i'd get out and actually get to do stuff for myself. but every tuesday since i've been here, there's been something. they either have to get their car fixed or they have to head downtown to pick up some supplies for their business, or they have a doctor's appointment or a dentist appointment or a friend appointment. so actually, tuesday ended up being a difficult day because i'd actually have the two kiddos myself and i'd have to be flexible to my parent's desires for the afternoon and dinner. not that it wasn't fun to have some variety. it just wasn't relaxing.

and now that i think of it, i guess it was pretty selfish for me to think that on their ONE day off, they would spend it taking care of my children so i could have some lala time. but still.

oh wait. i did have one tuesday a couple of weeks ago when my mom agreed to take nat for me for a few hours. you know what i did with that time? i went to the dentist and got a root canal done. not fun.

what would i do with such time if i had it? i'd get my hair done. it's a mess right now, and i'm really unhappy with it. i'd also get my toe nails done. it's sandals season again, after all. i'd leisurely browse at the mall. i'd leisurely browse in a bookstore sipping on an iced coffee (sweetened). i'd have a lunch or dinner out with friends without asking for a highchair. but probably the thing i've been wanting to do the most is to watch a movie while i munch on a tub of buttery fresh popcorn and take big sips from a large icy cold coca cola.

well, a couple of nights ago, the tuesday was winding down. my mom was in the kitchen putting the finishing touches on dinner and i was rolling around on the floor with the kids. my dad was around too. C stopped by because she's on spring break. i was talking to her, when suddenly i kind of looked around and realized that FINALLY it may be a decent time to ask for some time to do something i want. i quickly decided that a movie rather than dinner would be the way to go in the precious couple of hours i had before the kids would need to go to sleep (no one else has been successful in getting nat to sleep. she still kind of needs a working boob for that.) i could eat while i watched the movie. AND...my mind raced....i could eat BUTTERED POPCORN!!

up like a flash, i checked movie times. i didn't care what movie it was, but C did. she doesn't like watching anything scary or intense. so Knowing, and that Haunting in Connecticut movie were out. God must have truly had pity on me because i found a showing of DUPLICITY starting in 20 minutes. perfect.

and it was. i settled into that movie seat with a pretty big bag of popcorn (buttered in the middle and on top, thank you very much) and an equally big cup of coke with lots of ice. i munched through the previews and probably halfway through the movie. i wouldn't call the movie oscar material, but it was very entertaining. it's definitely better to watch a movie all the way through in one sitting (something that doesn't happen too often for me anymore, as i watch my netflix requests in piecemeal fashion whenever natalie is napping and i've done all the other stuff i need to get done.)

thanks for the wonderful date C. i hope i didn't scare you off with my scary popcorn eating, and that we can do it again soon.

happy.

Day 88

confession time

2009-03-26T09:41:00.000-07:00

putting myself out there like this on a blog has been a challenge for me. i like to think of myself as a frank and transparent person. what you see is what you get. i secretly think i'm too dumb to actually have some sort of secret plan or agenda when i'm dealing with people. at the same time though, i have a pretty korean side. and being asian in general means that you're taught to keep your thoughts inside, don't air dirty laundry and above all, don't make waves. i not only grew up in an asian family, but the culture i lived in growing up in Hawaii had an huge asian influence. which is probably why you won't find many bloggers from hawaii. believe me. i tried. the bloggers i did meet up with, or contact who were writing from hawaii were people originally from the mainland where the culture is more about "here's my life. deal." (i dunno, if you are from hawaii, born and raised, and blog, PLEASE do contact me because i already like you!)

this inner conflict means that although i share my life with you, i don't. there are parts i've been keeping to myself, mostly because it could cause controversy or it could disappoint. but after a few years of sharing my life here, it's hard for me to continue unless i let you in on some of the stuff i hold closer to my chest. it's either that or stop. i've decided to keep going, but i do so telling myself that i can always go back and delete these posts if it just makes me too uncomfortable that this stuff is out there.

so here are my confessions in no particular order:

1. i am a Christian. full on, born again, Christ resurrection believing, bible reading, daily praying Christian. i accepted christ at 12, and spent some time in college really soul searching about whether it's what i really believe or not. i decided it HAD to be the truth and haven't looked back since. there is a God, he loves us and this life is not the only life there is. there is an eternity that makes this life look like a mere speck in time, and that eternity is what i hope i am investing in.

2. BUT, i am not your typical Christian. this is a confession to friends i know through one church or another. and who knows how it will be taken. but i don't necessarily believe everything preached from the pulpit. i guess you could call me a liberal christian. i don't know if the bible is to be believed literally and completely and without error. i also support gay marriages (and even think there's nothing wrong with being gay. the whole point is that God wants us in a loving, monogamous relationship, not who we sleep with or maybe "when" we do it), that abortion is OK in some cases, that helping the poor eat is more important than making someone accept Christ, and that the way i relate to Christ and God is in a western frame that someone from another culture may not understand and that God knows this and might have revealed himself in some other way so that culture CAN understand and find the path to him. Christ came to prove Love, not Law.

3. i read a lot. two or three books at a time, all the time. even through law school. i read everyone and everything. but my favorite author is.... Stephen King. i've read everything he's written, and think that he's a really good writer. few are able to tell a really good story like him.

4. i have a secret fear that i might have gone to law school for nothing. although i hope to make a difference in the juvenile court system some day, being home with my children and caring for my family is so delicious right now that i don't want to even think about how to start achieving that goal.

5. i don't really listen to music anymore. at all. i know that's not cool. everyone cool listens to lots of good music. but it's just one area that doesn't interest me right now.

6. i'm not going to church right now. it's the first time in my life. i visited my parent's church a few times when we first got here, but with two little ones and having to get dressed up and the english service and korean services not matching up, it just got to be too much of a juggle during an already stressful time. so. i had it out with God and now I am at peace with not attending worship this year.

7. i was a cheerleader in high school. but i was really bad at it. i don't know why they let me on the squad, actually. and it didn't mean i was popular. honestly, the part i liked best about it was getting to wear the uniform to school on game day and finally feeling like i found a role at school. yes, so high school.

8. i want to have one more baby. but i realize that i'd be doing it for myself. if i am to put the babies i already have first, i know i shouldn't have anymore because i want to provide them with the best, which includes a private school education (hopefully my alma mater) that i wouldn't be able to afford three times, not to mention the lessons, trips, clothes and all sorts of experiences. or my time for that matter. i'm already stretched thin trying to "be there" for both and still have some sort of life for myself. i've decided to be thankful for the two i have and try to do the best i can by them.

9. my favorite food in the whole wide world is movie popcorn. with lots and lots of that fake butter. and a large icy cold coca cola. mmm mmm mmm. so bad for you, but oh so good. it's what i miss most as a mom because i don't go to that many movies anymore. i don't care what we watch as long as i have that bag of popcorn and coke in my lap when the lights go down. but that doesn't happen that often any more. i took natalie by myself when she was really little and could sleep through that kind of noise, but now that she's mobile there's no way. and it's not the same if you bring it home. i know, i tried. which means i should also confess i'm not really a healthy eater. i eat mostly korean food, which is mostly healthy. and i am allergic to msg, so all the food i make tends to be msg and nitrate free. but i eat donuts, cupcakes, and fast food whenever i want to. if it weren't for korean food, i'd be 500 pounds by now. i'm sure at some point i'll either have to stop eating this way, or just accept that fact that my kids will eat like me too once they figure out that snicker bars and cokes aren't "spicy" like i've been telling them.

10. i was a speech therapist before law school. i worked mostly with babies in the zero to three early intervention program. but i also had a soft place for children with autism and held a special discrete trial training certificate. when my babies were born, i had an intense fear that they might develop autism because in the community that helps kids with disabilities, there's sort of almost an urban legend that we have more children who are disabled because we are parents who can handle that sort of thing and in a sense, God gave them to us knowing this. There's also a sense that it would be something that i'd have to personally experience someday after watching so many other parents deal with it. so i watched for signs like a hawk and breathed a sigh of relief each time they reached their first birthday without signs. i was really able to shake the fear when noah turned 3 without incident. i'll probably watch natalie until then too, but for now, it looks like all is well.

11. i have in law issues. sigh. but, i think if you are korean or married to one, it's almost a given that you will have in law issues. sigh.

12. i feel extreme guilt right now, instead of the intense fear for my husband as some might expect. i'm almost positive that he'll be ok, so i don't worry about him as much as i thought i would. although, i do find myself turning the channel when the news comes on when i was an avid news watcher in the past. i feel guilt because while he's over there, i'm here living really comfortably right now. my parents are a big help, i have several hours during most days when natalie is napping and noah is at school to surf the web and watch korean dramas, and i'm responsible for only half the housework, which doesn't including cleaning much because we have cleaners come every other week. i am almost FORCED to take it easy and relax at home because i don't have a license to work in california. i am enjoying my time, but with lots of guilt. as penance, i've opened a korean type savings account at a korean bank here where i MUST put more than half of our income (or pay a fee if i break the agreement) so that we can have lots of money saved up at the end of all of this. the guilt would be so much worse if i were to go on spending sprees all the time, which i could so easily do if i had the money.

whew. i think that's most of what i've always wanted to say here about myself, but kept myself from saying for fear of how i may be judged. it would be interesting to know if any of my confessions changed how you see me now....even if it meant i disappointed you. i think that i've been in this blog world long enough to have develop the needed extra layer of skin to know that i really can remember the comments that resonate with me and leave behind the comments or posts that upset me.

what about you. got any confessions of your own?

*and blogger, again with the not letting me separate paragraphs for the second half of my post? annoying.

looking forward to spring

2009-03-15T22:33:00.000-07:00

i haven't really lived in four season weather. ever. hawaii has maybe two seasons. i say "maybe" because really, only people who grew up there can detect it. it gets like 4 degrees cooler and warmer. (yes, i know it's been a freakish year over there in aloha land and really cold. we get those every 20 years or so. but in general, i mean.) so when i read blogs written by people living in chicago or michigan, i'd wonder why the posts took on a tone of desperation for the cold to stop already. and now i kinda know.

it hasn't been really cold here. i'm disappointed because really, with being a mom and not EVER being out and about after 8pm, i've only worn my pretty pretty pea coat once. sigh. it hangs there and mocks me at the life i could be having in it.

at the same time though, i've been wearing my two pairs of jeans and three long sleeve shirt for days on end now. i keep resisting the urge to increase my warm wardrobe because it's march now and doesn't that meant we will be back to t shirts and shorts soon? i have lots and lots of those.

yesterday i was alone with the two munchkins for most of the day. for some reason, this mad disgust at the thought of staying inside all day again took me over. but when i stepped outside, it was cold and gray and everything was just a bit damp. the only place to go around here on such a day would be the bookstore or chuck e cheese (hate). i guess we could have gone to a park but natty is at the age now where she was DOWN! NOW! EVEN IF I CAN'T WALK MUCH, SO I CAN CRAWL AROUND AND PICK UP OLD CIGARETTE BUTTS AND EAT THEM! while Noah is constantly calling "Ummah! watch me! come and help me get down! i can't get up there unless you lift me!" which is fine sometimes, but for some reason, not yesterday.

so i loaded the kids in the car, because it was just something to do at that moment. and i drove, trying to figure out a place to go.

we ended up at Lowes. yes, a hardware store. mostly because they had a bunch of flowers and plants displayed out front. i loaded both into a cart and we wandered around the nursery talking about plants and flowers. then, inspiration! oh my gosh. we have a YARD now. we actually can do stuff in it besides kick a ball around or water the grass.

i asked noah if he wanted to plant a garden. we picked out a few things he'd want to grow (tomatoes, strawberries) and then wandered over to the seeds rack. he decided that watermelons might be fun to grow. i wondered if they would ever really grow into watermelons, but thought we'd give it a go. then, i noticed some hummingbird feeders and got excited about those. i held one up and explained what it was for. noah has been really into birds and eggs, and the whole nest making and hatching (his one wish right now is to find a nest with eggs and take one and hatch it himself). on mys, you should have seen the look of excitement on his face when he realized there was a way to make the birds come to him.

and then we happened on a birdhouse kit. and he jumped up and down clapping like i would if i ever hit the jackpot on the wheel of fortune machine at ceasar's palace.

the birdhouse is hanging up right now, and being checked hourly for a nest with eggs. the plants have been planted and is being checked every half hour for tomatoes and strawberries and watermelons. so, even though we aren't coming out from a cold hard winter or anything, i know now what it's like to look expectantly ahead to warmer days.

come on spring. we're all ready for you.

Day 64

orange county makes throwing a dol easy cheesy

2009-03-05T21:14:00.001-08:00

natty's first birthday looks like it was a big deal, but i swear it wasn't. there are so many koreans who live here that there are business that JUST set things up for dol parties and thrive. i did everything on my own for noah's dol and was running around the whole week before. i don't even remember the actual day when i started preparing and decorating at dawn. this time, i got gussied up and showed up to eat. and it looked way better than anything i could have ever done. and it was cheaper. gawd, i love the korean competition here.
as you can see, i didn't pick the traditional dol table set up. i wanted something different, and it's apparently a trend to do it differently these days because the party planner got what i wanted right away. the dduk is still there, just on silver things that usually hold tea sandwiches, i think. and the fruit is set up differently too.

dol pictures are a big deal too. there's usually a studio session, and then the photographer comes to the party to capture the moments, sort of wedding style. i splurged on noah's first birthday pictures and i never regretted it. this time i probably spent half the amount because of all the new photographers that have opened shop in town. i was REALLY happy with how natty's pictures turned out too, and these images that welcomed the guests to the party will hang next to a similar set up of noah's pictures on our wall.

a korean event is never complete without dduk. since we had a large cake, we used the dduk as the favors.

one of the traditions and really fun part of a child's first birthday party is an event where you set up a bunch of objects in front of the baby and wait to see which one they reach for and pick up. the object they choose is supposed to determine what they'll turn out to be. the standard objects these days are pencil (scholar), microphone (performer), money (wealthy), string (long life), and stethoscope (doctor). the picture shows how to make the already fun event, funner. we gave each guest a ticket. they tore off the small part of the ticket and put it into the cup with the label for the object that they thought natty would end of choosing. once she chose the object, let's say she chose the pencil, then natty would choose three stubs from the pencil cup and those three people got some really cool prizes. i must say it turned the whole thing into a rowdy, almost horse race like event. but natty coolly ignored all the please to reach for one object or another and snatched up that crisp hundred dollar bill like nobody's business. i had to pry it out of her hand later. noah picked money too at his party. which means that i obviously don't have to save for retirement because my two kiddos will be rolling in the green stuff enough to supply their mother with what she needs.

all in all it was a good time. the food was really great, the party itself was small but filled with the company of amazing and loved people. the only bad spot was that captain j wasn't there. he called later that night to ask how things went and sung his daughter the happy birthday song over the phone. she listened intently and then clapped for him at the end. i took heart knowing that next year, when she'll know better what the day means, he will be here in person to sing to her.

Day 53

thank God it's a school day

2009-02-17T09:24:00.000-08:00

never made it to the play date. natalie caught some sort of stomach bug and still had a fever friday morning. and then, of course, i caught it over the weekend. i hate evil evil germs. i'm just recovering from it and SO very thankful that noah's preschool was open today.

my parents are jewelers so it being valentine's weekend meant that they were too busy to be around. since about the 12th or so, they would both leave in the morning and come home late, have dinner, wash up and sleep. that's ok on school days, but valentine's day fell on a saturday this year, which meant the help i usually had over the weekend wasn't available. still, i'm glad that they did so well these past few days because things haven't been so good for them in the current economic conditions.

i feel like i've run a marathon that i didn't want to run in the first place. towards the end there, last night, things got bad. there was much whining then crying which culminated in me forcing him to lie in bed while he screamed that he would NOT CLOSE HIS EYES. EVER! which was about 10:30pm. i think noah was tired of being home with me too. he got dressed and ready for school in record time, and greeted his teacher with a long big hug. poor guy. hope he has fun today.

now, with baby napping, i'm ready to catch up on some serious DVRed shows.

oh, and all is well with captain J. things are better than he expected so far. the skype however, is not so good. couldn't get a good connection, so we've settled for a phone conversation everyday.

has it really only been a little over a month?

Day 36

not so alone after all

2009-02-09T09:41:00.000-08:00

i had a pretty full social calendar in hawaii. because i grew up there, i had all sorts of friends. family friends. childhood friends. high school friends. college friends. best friends. friends with babies. church friends. former work friends. you get the picture. when i decided to move to california for the year, i thought that's what i'd be giving up. friends.

i have friends here. just not many. and most of them, except one (and i am so thankful for her), lives an hour or more away from me. and they are busy doing their thing. i'm sure they'd visit if i really asked them to, but i've decided not to ask. why? because i don't plan on reciprocating and driving up to see them. it's not that they aren't worth it. they totally are worth the drive. it's just that i have a baby with me all day who doesn't like her car seat. strapping her in, crying, for 20 minutes might be ok. but i'm not willing to do it for an hour there and back.

and because i'm not willing to drive up there, i don't want to make people drive to see me. having decided this, i accepted that i'd spend a lot of alone time. but it's turned out to be a little different than i thought. in a good way.

first, my mom. we've always been more like sisters. she had me fairly young, and she's pretty liberal minded. we are great companions. but i expected her to working all the time. of course i didn't factor in her pull towards her grandchildren. she's working less hours, which means there are lots of times when it's just her and me out to a yummy lunch while natalie naps in her stroller.

then there's my one lone friend who lives in the area. she's amazing, we'll call her C. C will play rough and tumble with noah and take natalie from me if i need to free up my hands. she's also great to laugh with. she works, which is why i thought i wouldn't see much of her. especially because she has a great boyfriend, and i wouldn't blame her if she wanted to eat out and see movies with this great boyfriend during her time away from work. but no. she's somehow over here often, hanging out, being a buddy.

then there are my cousins and their wives. my family started out with just my younger brother and i. we'd spend the summers in korea at my eemo's (maternal aunt) house. she had 4 boys. when i was 12, all 4 boys came to live with us in hawaii, while me eemo and uncle stayed in korea. that meant we had a total of 6 kids in the house, and i was the only girl. currently three of those four male cousins live within 2 miles from my parent's home. they've all married wonderful unnis and are having babies. they all work. but weekends are filled with visits to each other's homes where the children can run around in one big mob while we watch dvds and talk.

that still left my weekday mornings pretty quiet. which i actually didn't mind because i'm an introvert who likes to spend some time just BEING alone. but then, one of my cousin's wives invited me to a gymboree free play session. and somehow the mom of the cutest little boy in the room and i made eye contact and now i have a playdate planned this week. i have a good feeling about her.

side note: i'm finding it really interesting to observe how women/moms from korea interact with one another. i may look full korean, but i am concluding that i am mostly american by the way i'm totally oblivious to the subtle social rules of mommyhood. this would be a good post of kimchi mamas, but let's just say that there's some sort of weird sorting by class that everyone adheres to. and no one is willing to even make your acquaintance until they can figure out what class you're in and whether you'll fit in with them. so interesting, i tell ya.

year of baking: cancelled :(

2009-02-03T14:39:00.000-08:00

i hang my head in shame and have to report that the year of baking has been called off. boo. my parents have kindly requested that i stop. my mom doesn't like all the extra stuff starting to clutter up her kitchen, and my dad doesn't want to be forced to taste my attempts anymore. although they are occasionally tasty, he says that paris baguette and cake house nearby do a much better job. i agree.

i hang my head in shame because i sound like some kid under the rule of her parents and it may sound pathetic to other people that i give something up just because my parents ask me to. but i have a very friendly relationship with them, were we converse, jest and encourage. they didn't ask me to put aside my barely begun hobby lightly. it's just not the right time now. their house was already cramped with stuff and i was having a hard time finding a place to store the flour, measuring cups and large tubs of yogurt anyway. and i do have to admit that time is tight for me. i don't have as much time as i thought i would.

as lovely and helpful as my parents are, i am finally comprehending that i am a single parent for the duration of captain j's deployment. all responsibilities of discipline and care fall on me. my parents help out with baths and take them on short outings, but there's a distinct burden i can't name that is all mine. and that translates into less time. plus, i have to remember that my parents had a life before we came here. i can't expect them to stop all other activities and relationships because we're here. with captain j, we ARE his life. i do expect us to come first. he's a partner that i can count on. my parents however, are the God sent helpers i don't want to smother.

that means i have been baking either with the stress of keeping noah controlled around lots of ingredients he can make a mess of, which becomes impossible to clean up really without someone else either watching both kids or cleaning up for me, OR i bake late at night when i should be sleeping. i tell myself i could bake during the day when natalie is asleep, but the laundry, starting dinner, picking up toys, catching up with things online, writing happens and then natalie is up. baking comes last, and it stresses me out that i can't get to it. and that really shouldn't stress me out. so. i'm done. no kitchen aid mixer for me. yet. instead, i will be down at the bakeries getting fresh things more often.

i still hope to stick with one resolution. the one about getting rid of the muffin top i have going on. i'm totally at my goal weight and size. the only thing bothering me is the bulge that hangs over the top of my pants. is there no hope? there has to be a way to at least contain it. maybe i can use the mixer money on a personal trainer.

Day 22

captain j has officially left the country

2009-02-02T11:30:00.000-08:00

they took off this weekend from the base in texas. he called one last time during his last layover on US soil. i assume i'll hear from him in a few days when things are settled for him and he has his wits about him. i just hope he has decent internet there. that would help a lot.

i forgot to write it in my last post, but sometime before the start of last weekend, the 23rd or so, noah spontaneously said "dah, muh guh ssuh!" at the table when he felt like he was done at dinner. it means "i'm all done eating!" my parents and i kind of sat there shocked, because we hadn't expected it and it was a whole korean sentence. we burst into spontaneous applause. this had come on the heels of us figuring out that he was understanding most of what we were saying in korean. whereas we could before covertly say things in korean that we didn't want him to hear, we were finding that he was actually listening and would call us on whatever we were trying to keep from him. so it's just as his teacher predicted. she said i'd start to see some korean action after three weeks. the 23rd was the last day of a full three weeks. amazing.

in the week since his break through at dinner, there has been more korean talking. but there's also been something really funny. he'll add a "ssuh" at the end of everything he says in english and thinks that that makes it korean. examples. he'll say "my blue shoes ssuh" or "mommy turn on the tv ssuh." he probably gets it from when in korean we say "muh guh ssuh" or "ee ssuh" or "dah hae ssuh". ssuh is just what you put at the end of a verb phrase to make it past tense.

is that interesting only to me? because it's SO interesting to me. at least to the speech therapist side of me. (have i mentioned that here? i used to be a speech therapist. i treated babies between the ages of 0 to 3 and some older kids with autism before i went to law school.) it's the side of me that makes me constantly notices and takes delight in every little change in their ability to communicate.

natalie is also making some grounds in the speech and language department. she's 11 months today and is saying a handful of words. with noah, he was signing more than 10 words by his first birthday. his actual speech was slow to come, although you wouldn't know it from the way he chatters on now. natalie however, is doing both, talking and signing. her vocabulary includes: jji jji (for: give me booby now), shh shh (was she fishtails her little hand back and forth, which is the sign for: fish), pah pah (for: oppah which is what a girl calls an older brother in korean), nanana (instead of mama which means "food" in korean), she swishes both hands back and forth for "wash wash" which is what we call baths, she waves one hand enthusiastically saying "hai!" whether she's saying hello or goodbye, bah bah as she pushes her little push toy thingy (this came from her halbee saying "bahng bahng!" as she pushed it all the time, which is korean baby talk for: car.), and of course there is also very loud "ummah" uttered all the time.

she's also standing for a few seconds on her own. which freaks me out. but she looks far from ready to walk. it's funny because with noah, i was always cheering him on. he walked at 10 and a half months and it felt just right. but now, i'm always picking natalie up and holding tight wishing she'd stay just the way she was forever. wishing we all would stay just the way we are forever. i really believe i'm going to look back on this time and see it as that almost golden time in my life. captain j not being here is the one bad spot. so maybe next year when he's back, it will truly be golden time.

i should report how my year of baking is going. i ended up purchasing "the america test kitchen's family baking book". it's a huge binder full of recipes and pictures. there's a front part with pictures of the actual ingredient product that worked the best in the test kitchen, as well as all the tools i need, which is totally helpful. i've put off purchasing a really REALLY desired kitchen aid for another month or so. the move and buying stuff captain j and the kids (and ok, me too) need took a toll out of our savings, and i don't want to get a cheapo one, so i'm going to wait a bit until we've built up our account again. until then, i've picked out the stuff that doesn't need kneading or any other kind of fancy mixing. this weekend, i found some blueberries on sale, and mixed up some blueberry muffins. i let noah help and i think that we ended up mixing too much. it was more like blueberry bread than muffins. but it was good all the same. it also made me realize that i'm going to have to do my baking on the weekdays when noah isn't around. he likes to "help" to much and i'm not experienced enough to keep from making mistakes with his distraction.

i'm watching the first season of grey's anatomy as i type this. i started watching from the third season. it's weird to see them as bumbling students when they started out. and if i ever saw george o'malley again and he was standing as close to me as he was in that corn dog line, i know what i'd say now. i'd turn around and just say "you are my favorite."

p.s. i hate how the last half of this post looks like one huge paragraph. i've tried to fix multiple times already, but it won't stick after i hit publish. so annoying.

george o'malley likes corn dogs

2009-01-25T16:18:00.000-08:00

mission: get back in charge is still in effect. well, it's more like it's postponed. captain j has another couple of weeks in the U.S. before he really leaves on a plane for the middle east. he's gotten most of the stuff he needed to do done, so he asked for and got a 4 day pass and decided to surprise us for the weekend with a visit. excited! we spent yesterday hanging out and today at disneyland. so, he's here. but that not the important part.

while at disneyland's california adventure park, we waited in line for the new Toy Story ride. it's really really REALLY fun. you should go. and i'm not saying anything more about it because it's better to be surprised by it. but that's still not the important part.

we got through the line, and we asked for a "baby pass". they hand you a slip of paper so that one parent can go on, and then when that parent comes off, the other parent hands him/her the baby and then gets to go on the ride too. this means that noah gets to go on twice. which is fine by him. so, noah and captain j gets on the ride. i'm holding natalie, and this whole entourage of people arrive at the side gate of the ride. i kind of look over because i'm wondering what's so special about them. and then i think i might recognize one of the faces. i wonder if it's a guy from highschool or something. and then i GASP, because i realize he's George O'Malley (aka TR Knight) from Grey's Anatomy! that is the important part.

i marveled at how he didn't look any different and at how if someone where having some sort of medical emergency, i'd totally look to him for help. he and his people, got on the ride. then i got on with an excited noah. then we went to get lunch.

lunch was corn dogs. if you are at disneyland, by the way, you MUST try their corn dogs. they are huge and juicy (stop thinking that) and yummy. i usually don't like corndogs, but i kinda crave these. mmmmm. well, guess who likes these corn dogs too? that's right. O'Malley. he stood right behind me in the line. i kept finding an excuse to turn around, until i realized that he totally noticed me noticing him. i couldn't think of a single thing to say. my only thought was whether i could figure out a way to take a picture with him so i could post it on my blog. but i couldn't figure out how to do it without looking stupid and calling too much attention to him. he didn't look like he wanted attention. then i was walking away with my food before long.

for the most part, i was surprised at how people really left him alone. everyone around me was acting so natural, i kept wanting to ask people "do you watch grey's? do you know who HE is?" i don't know. maybe it didn't click because he was dressed so normal and acting so normal. i really don't think his face registered with people. maybe in that situation, with so many people around, you stop processing faces? i know it took me awhile before i placed him.

anyway, that was exciting.

Day 15 (i am still counting the days even if captain j is lying next to me on the couch right now, because this is all part of the experience. it's not truly over until he's home for good.)

mission: getting back in charge

2009-01-22T23:12:00.000-08:00

things haven't been entirely happy happy since we moved in with my folks. there is some happy, but there's some been frustration too.

the frustration mainly comes from my mother and father's consistency in giving in to noah's demands. at first, it was a little extra tv and a little extra candy here and there. but it's been swirling out of control. his bedtime has been getting later and later. and tonight. tonight, the madness finally ended at 10:30 when noah finally closed his eyes after i threatened some huge mmeh mmehs. (uh, that would be spankings for you non korean speakers.) i totally lost my cool and my voice got into that evil guttural pitch as i reached for his pants. that's what finally got him into bed. he was out in mere minutes.

and then i was a heap of tears in a hot shower. the shower so that my parents couldn't hear me. the tears because i made him and myself a promise about 6 months ago to not hit him. i told him that mommy and daddy won't hit him so he shouldn't hit anyone else, and i've kept the promise so far. i'm glad i still kept it in the end. but seriously. i came THIS close.

i was upset with him, but i was also upset with my parents and uber upset at myself for letting it get this far. his schedule at home was down to bed by 8 at the latest, up around 6. a nap around 12. his bed time has been getting later and later. it all started when i willingly pushed it back to 9 because my parents don't get home from work until 7:30ish. it was fun to have him play with them while i tended to natalie. then he discovered that halbee's computer has games on it. groan.

he's had minimum exposure to video/computer games so far because i knew he'd like them. but i couldn't ignore the interest he had in computers. he was loading the dvd player on his own at one and a half for goodness sakes. so one evening i took his little hand, held it over the mouse and showed him how to point and click. he was hooked. but it was ok. i was able to keep it under control. we played things only on nickjr and playhouse disney sites, and only on weekends when the days alone with him got too long. it was a HUGE treat.

so just imagine the crazy happiness my son experienced when he discovered that his halbee let him play if he just whined loud enough while mommy was busy with baby. yah. and then imagine the kicking and screaming when i tear him away from the computer desk as halbee or halmee says "just one more game!" to me because they don't want to see their dear one cry. and then tonight, after i pulled him away and washed him and brushed his teeth and put on his jammies and sent him on his way to pick out two books to read before bed, imagine my horror when i go to look for him 10 minutes later and find him in front of halmee's tv watching the little einsteins. livid.

that was at 10. at 10:30 he was still tossing and turning, complaining and whining. trying to make deals. crying. THAT my friends, is when the crazy mmeh mmeh monster came out.

it is not continuing.

tomorrow, i am waking him around 6, whether he likes it or not. then when he gets home from school, i am going to run him ragged in the back yard, feed him dinner around 6, have him bathed and dressed in jammies by the time halmee and halbee get home. he can pal around with them for a bit, but then his little tush will be in bed by 8, so help me God.

10:30 is a crazy bed time for a kid. and that leaves ME no time at all. that means after getting him from school at 4:30, i've been wrestling with both kids for 6 hours. noah is a ball of energy who talks and talks because he's been silent for most of the day, and natalie is a sticky child who prefers to see the world from somewhere near my chest at all times. that means i haven't had hardly any time to myself all day. that's where the problem is. i wake up with them. i get noah to school, but i have natalie sticking to me all day unless she takes a nap. during the nap i do laundry, make dinner, clean and pick up the house, shop, basically do whatever i can't do while holding her in a carrier. she's up before i know it and we're rolling around on the ground together learning things, or i'm nursing her or feeding her until i go to get noah. and then, when my parents get home, they're tired and hungry. they eat, they clean up and they want to relax. i know why they want peace. and right now, the only way they can spend time with their noisy energetic grandson is to allow him what he wants. it'll only get worse and worse, but i understand why they do it. i don't blame them. they are not his parents. they shouldn't have to parent him. it's my job. and it's been hard to get in the middle and unpromise something they've promised them. that doesn't work. it just leaves everyone feeling crummy.

there will be some grumbling that they don't get to see much of him after being away from him all day. but, i will remind them that they can actually have time to relax at the end of the day and i think they'll see my view of things. i really think with tight control and planning out his activity while he's with halmee and halbee during weekday evenings is the ticket.

at least that's the plan. because ummah needs to get happy again.

Day 12

reality setting in

2009-01-21T14:24:00.003-08:00

he cried yesterday when i dropped him off at preschool. he gripped me tightly crying "mommy! mommy!" i HATE leaving him when he's like that. in fact, half the time if he doesn't look like he wants to be at school, i just take him home. there's usually a good reason. either he's getting sick, or someone is being mean. but, i knew that this wasn't one of those things. it was the long weekend coupled with his remembering at the door that everyone "talks like this, mommy: shi shi shi sha yo"

his teacher was immediately at our side and shooed me away. i left willingly, but it didn't feel good. i picked him up earlier than usual, hoping that the episode was short lived. i was relieved to find that it had been. the teacher wrote in the daily report book they send home with him everyday that he'd only cried for a minute and otherwise had a great day.

this morning, he didn't cry, but there was a conversation in the car on the way over that made me feel just as sad. he said "let's go back to hawaii. i miss hawaii. i miss my park and my friends and my elevator." i tried to be upbeat and reminded him that we'd definitely go back as soon as daddy got back. it's just that daddy is going to take a long time before he gets back from helping people.

there was no answer from him.

he did go into his class willingly. but on the drive home i wondered if i had done the right thing by moving us here. i beat myself up about it for a couple of hours as i stopped at the mall to get a gift for a dear friend's birthday today. but on the drive back home, i consoled myself with the memories from this weekend. noah excitedly telling his halbee stories about his visit to the duck park with halmee, natalie actually reaching for her halmee (the first for her to reach for someone other than me), noah feeling upset on saturday morning when i announced that there was no school and his getting excited when he thought he spotted his teacher at a store (it wasn't her.)

i've written about it too much here already. it keeps going around and around. there were so many good things about sticking it out in hawaii, and there were so many good things about making our way here. i've decided so i must stop with the "what ifs" already.

and that part is settling in for me too. that we really are here for a whole year and not on some sort of vacation. we've now officially taken over two of the three bedrooms of my parent's home and the living room for the most part. i'm slowly taking over parts of the kitchen and when our car gets here, we'll take over a portion of the garage too, i guess.

we are still going strong with the skype. sometimes if i'm home alone and i just need an extra set of eyes, i'll turn that sucker on and demand that captain j call for me if noah starts to do something funny when he's in that room alone. i assume that captain j does his own thing on his end, glancing at the screen once in awhile. i even hear him trying to discipline noah. "noah, put that down." or "noah, get down from there before i count to five. one....two....three. thanks noah." it makes me smile. we joke that we should make it into a business. virtual dad for hire. he could monitor several homes at one time and interact with the kids like max headroom (do you remember him?) in any case, it works for now. i hope he lands in a place with great internet, because it would help so much to keep him in our lives visually this way.

finally, i guess i should talk about the haze i'm living in. i don't know what it is. when we first got here, i thought it was from exhaustion after the move. i keep expecting it to magically lift when i wake up in the morning. but so far, not so. my mind feels muddled and i feel tired all the time and i don't really have an appetite. i did occur to me yesterday that i might be pregnant. positive that this was the case, i got a home pregnancy test and breathed a huge sigh of relief (but i have to admit, i was a tiny bit disappointed) when the second line didn't show up.

i don't think it's any kind of depression. i'm not sad. i'm not teary or emotional. it's not just being able to think and move at the pace that i'm used to. and all i want to do is lie down and sleep and sleep. i want to sleep right now. it's irritating. i'm hoping that this week and next week will give me a chance to establish some kind of routine, and that will help me come out of it.

if you have found my posts really blah lately, blame the haze.

Day 11