The New Gay

Dude, Where's the Keg?: Gay DC House Party Etiquette

2008-05-16T10:10:00.008-04:00

With the temperature rising, and the probability of old scary looking men wearing tank tops on 17th street increasing, the number of house and patio parties will soon follow suit. These are important social events that consume quite a bit of conversation and gossip both leading up to and following them. In other words, they need to be taken very seriously. We here at TNG do not want you to flounder when attending these sacred events. Therefore, we have assembled some pointers on how to make the most of a gay DC house party.

The Evite
All gay DC house parties begin with an Evite, which is the invitation equivalent of a Wal-Mart or a Pizza Hut. This has always puzzled me. Gays will spend an obscene amount of money on jeans or (what they think is high end) art, but yet have no qualms about sending out tacky Evites to everyone in the city. The beauty of an Evite, however, is that you can see the guest list and mentally prepare for running into your ex's, enemies, frenemies, co-workers, and internet hook-ups. A key piece of information on the Evite is the number of guests invited. If it is 30 or less, you probably shouldn't roll up with eight of your somewhat close friends. Anything approaching 50 or more is fair game, and you can safely tell everyone on Facebook.

All Evites give you the option to reply yes, no, or maybe, and to add a message. Gays love the message option as it gives them the chance to show how witty they are. Expect deep prose such as "Wouldn't miss it! Hope you have enough vodka HA HA :) " or "Count me in, I love margaritas!!!" Those who can't attend usually indicate that they are doing something more fabulous, but will raise an obligatory toast to the occasion: "Sorry, Gary and I will be on a private island off the coast of Mexico, but we'll do a shot in your honor." Those who respond maybe are not coming to the party. These are the non-commital types who want to express that they would be there if it weren't for the other, more interesting and cooler party they are actually attending that night: "I have a birthday to attend, but will try to make it." Birthdays are common "maybe" excuses since anyone's birthday trumps a non-occasion party. I suggest you respond yes (or no), never respond maybe, and resist the urge to write a cutesy message. Also, don't artificially inflate the guest count by responding that you will be bringing 48 guests. There is always someone who will do that to be cute and funny, and that guy is usually an asshole.

Attire
Let's face it, DC is not a stylish city. Even at the "most fierce party" everyone will be wearing a tight-Ben-Sherman-Polo-ish-collared shirt. It is a safe assumption that every shade of the rainbow (pun intended) in cotton with a collar will be represented at any DC gay house party. In the summer this will be accompanied with khaki shorts and flip flops. In the fall/spring, the khaki shorts will give way to tight jeans, but the flip flops will remain. Gays love showing off their feet via flip flops. Their outfits and hair products will likely exceed 200 dollars, but standing around nearly barefoot is considered classy in these parts. I have never understood this. It is not until the chill of winter that the gays don shoes. In short, it doesn't take a whole lot of effort to look even remotely stylish. Avoid gold chains and jean shorts. Note: anyone wearing a baseball hat is a bottom.

Arrival Time
The rule of thumb is to be stylishly late. That rule is for (thumb) suckers. Arrive unfashionably early. Why? Alcohol. At the beginning of the party you have your pick of the litter. You can easily get in 2-3 rum and cokes before the cologne-drenched masses arrive. I don't understand why more folks don't appreciate the beauty of this simple concept: The early bird gets the worm. Once the party kicks in, the alcohol starts to disappear faster than a butch sounding voice at showtunes night at JRs. (Note to the hosts: it is usually the mixers and ice that run out first, leaving guests to stir up such magical creations as a rum and OJ, or rail-gin with a splash of water. Do everyone a favor and have an ample supply of soda, tonic, and juice.)

Another good thing about arriving early is that you get the lay of the land. Make a mental note of where the "extra" bathroom is, should there be one. You can avoid the pisser-line later on when the apple-tinis start to run their course. You might even be able to get a glimpse of where the back-up liquor is stored. This is key should the supplies start to run low.

Socializing
This is how gay DC works: everyone stands around with their friends and either ignores everyone else, or sneers at everyone else. Multiply this times 20 and you have a gay DC house party. Once someone in one group recognizes an acquaintance in another group, the two groups can open up, and introductions can be made. Until then, however, it is like a bad high school cafeteria. I don't have the solution to this, so I am just asking that you gay DC (collectively), please take the stick out of your ass and be polite and social when you are at a party. Also, please offer something more than your job on the Hill/campaign or your law school. If there is nothing else interesting about you, then please do the rest of us a favor and drink at home alone. Or better yet, move.

The Bathroom Line
If you weren't able to scope out that secret bathroom, you will be stuck in line waiting to pee. This is always time to make small talk with other attendees who you might not otherwise meet. For some reason, I tend to get stuck in line with (1) the only girl at the party who wants to shower with me with compliments; or (2) the creepiest kid who probably isn't 20 and has a belly-button ring. I have no real strategy for dealing with this other than to fake an important text message conversation or to pretend like you are too deaf to hear them.

Once inside the bathroom, remember that gay guys in DC are usually sickeningly wealthy and like to feel special by using an array of fancy toiletries. TNG does not endorse stealing. All I am saying is that at some point you will be alone in a bathroom with lots of expensive soap. Use your own judgment and morals.

The Music
It will suck. Don't tinker with the Ipod, however. It is just rude. Even if the host is your best friend and/or they are playing Whitney's "I Want to Dance with Somebody." Also, don't be friends with people who have Whitney's "I Want to Dance with Somebody" on their Ipod.

Drinking
Let's face it, you are there for tail. To get tail you must first drink. If you are like me, you tend to make one of two mistakes: (1) you drink too much, stare at the guy you like all night, don't talk to him, then go home to jerk off while thinking of him; or (2) you drink too much, approach the guy, and make an asshole out of yourself. Both of these errors result from drinking too much. I know I encouraged you to arrive early for the booze, but you need to master the art of pacing yourself so that you can get tail. Try to remind yourself, bunnies and puppies are cute; slackened facial musculature, slurred confessionals, and "I'm so drunk" are not.

Let me give you some pointers on pacing yourself. First, go the bathroom (preferably the secret one) every half hour or so, even if you don't have to use it. Take note of whether your ears are ringing, the toilet paper holder is unusually fascinating, or you're having a hard time handling soap. Second, count your drinks. It is pretty simple, but no one ever does this. If you get to a prime number over five you should probably stop. Lastly, watch the guy you are interested in. Make sure he is always one drink ahead of you. If you start to pass your tipping point, make sure that you are never talking louder, taking more, or wearing less clothing than he is.

Brunch
Relive all the memories and mishaps of last night with all your friends over eggs and bloody mary's. Yup, you are gay and you live in DC. Own it.

Film Screening: Transparent

2008-05-16T09:00:00.005-04:00

Years before the pregnant man hysteria was blowing up the checkout aisle or polarizing debates with seemingly progressive friends, Jules Rosskam made Transparent, a documentary film that follows the lives of about twenty transmen who gave birth to their own children either prior to transitioning, or in midst.

The film will have you weepier than a Rosie Cruise doc, and deeply explores how queer families renegotiate parental roles, particularly for these trans parents who are both mother and father to their children.

After the hour-long film screens, the folks from DCATS will run a panel discussion with area trans men that've given birth.

Do it: This Sunday, May 18th, 5-7 p.m. at 1810 14th St. NW.

Bonus: Jules Rosskam is calling for submissions to his queer film fest.

Saturgays in the Park

2008-05-15T17:30:00.000-04:00

TNG Fan Aaron Riggins has taken our message one step further. He's gone out and organized something new: Saturgays in the Park. His idea? Get a bunch of homos together in a beautifully landscaped park on Saturday afternoons to hang out, socialize and do something new. And once per month there's a special activity. He's using Facebook, which has turned itself into quite the viral marketing tool, to promote his event.

The first event is this coming Saturday, May 17. The special activity: croquet. So dust off your white shorts and pastel polos, because we're going high-class here. Want more information about this Saturday's event, check out the event description. Want to hear about upcoming events? Join the Facebook group.

Personally, hanging out in a park on a Saturday afternoon sounds like a great time. Fill it with a bunch of homos who are discreetly drinking... I might start to get a little leery. I am planning on stopping by this weekend, after my Saturday morning bike ride.

For those of you without access to Facebook, the event description is copied below the fold.

Facebook group description:
Do you ever find Dupont Circle park a little too crowded and/or heterosexual? When you find yourself not able to make it to Rehoboth for the weekend, but need a little sun, just skip over to Meridian Hill Park.

You are invited to come every weekend of the month, but one weekend of each month will offer a special activity. An annoucement about this weekend will be sent out in the weeks preceding.

Gather your friends, your blankets and your picnic basket and join DC's new breed of homos for some fun in the DC sun. Everyone is not ENCOURAGED TO CREATIVELY DISGUISE at least one of the following: a thermos or other opaque container for holding liquid containing Mimosas, Bloody Marys, 40s, bottles of Wine/Vodka. You are also not ENCOURAGED to bring a supply of Solo cups or other opaque personal consumption container.

I look forward to seeing everyone there.

From the Facebook Event Page for Saturday, May 17:
Thank you everyone for all the excitement and interest over Saturgays in the Park. Within 24 hours of creating the group, more than 100 people had joined. Now, we are quickly approaching 250 members. Weather-permitting, this Saturday should be fantastic.

Upon walking in the dreary rain to the metro this morning, I saw a sea of umbrellas bobbing up and down toward Dupont Circle. All I could think about was how the scene would change this weekend. With everyone’s participation we can create a sea of gays with their friends and canines spread out across the lawns of Meridian Hill Park. Think Seurat’s “Sunday in the Park”, but it’s Saturday and it’s mostly gay men.

The activity of this month will be a jolly game of croquet. Recommended attire: think British Royalty in the spring (or at least dress in as much white clothing as possible, please think of the hilarious photo-op!).

This month’s Saturgays in the Park will begin at 1:00 pm. The first game of croquet will start promptly at 2:00 pm. Participation in the game is by no means required, but should be lots of fun.

Gather your friends, bring your blankets, pack your picnic basket, or just stumble over from brunch. And remember, you are not ENCOURAGED TO CREATIVELY DISGUISE your favorite libation and bring extra cups.

Saturgays in the Park, Saturday May 17th, 1 to 5 PM, Meridian Hill Park, 16th and Florida NW.

Ask A Rocker: Black Kids' Reginald Youngblood

2008-05-15T16:33:00.001-04:00

Those who already have tickets to tonight's sold-out Cut Copy show at the Black Cat should definitely come a bit earlier to see their opener Black Kids. Formed in Jacksonville in 2006, the band's singer Reginald Youngblood (bottom left) takes The Cure's vocal inflections and applies it to infinitely sunnier songs. "I'm not Going to Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance With You" (above,) should ring familiar to anyone who's been rejected for an idiot. It also contains the line "You are the girl that I've been dreaming of/ ever since I was a little girl," which is even more memorable for being sung by a boy. Reginald was nice enough to answer some email questions of mine.

The New Gay: What sets you apart from the seemingly endless number of indie bands in existence today?

Reginald Youngblood: Actually, we're not quite "indie". We're signed to Columbia in the states and somewhat to Mercury in the UK. Do we have indie influences? Certainly. But we have just as many mainstream influences. Really, I can rarely tell the difference. Indie doesn't necessarily equal good and mainstream doesn't necessarily equal bad.

TNG: Where does your band's name come from? People often read it as controversial or incendiary, but that doesn't fit with your music. Is it just a name, or more?

RY: To be honest, this is a very boring question for us. But I suppose we asked for it when we chose our moniker. Firstly, we like the way "Black Kids" sound. It's got a certain ring to it, yeah? Also, it does come off as contentious, when in fact, it's completely innocuous. Like "Sex Pistols". We liked that at first...We nearly didn't go with the name, but it just kept popping up in articles, songs, and conversation. So, in a way it chose us.

TNG: In actuality, there aren't a whole lot of black kids visible on the indie rock scene. Do you or other members ever feel set apart?

RY: Not really.

TNG: Your best known song seems to be about getting dicked over by girls, or playing the nice guy while the assholes won. What was your high school experience like? Have you ever had to teach a guy how to dance with the girl you liked?

RY: My high school years were fairly unremarkable. I wasn't popular, but I wasn't invisible. I did not dance. Sadly, I started behaving like a teenager in my mid-twenties. I'm desperately trying to forget that period. It was shameful.

TNG: It would be remiss of me to overlook the fact that you sound a lot like Robert Smith from The Cure. Are you getting tired of the comparisons? Are you ever going to undergo a goth makeover so your look matches him as well?

RY: The comparison is tiresome, but it'll be dispelled when our record is released. Don't get me wrong. Mr. Smith has a wonderful voice, but if you were to compare our songs back to back you would find our voices to be disparate. No goth makeover in the foreseeable future.

TNG: Your are already a well-loved band, but haven't actually put our a record yet. Are you worried that your hype will somehow overshadow your actual product?

RY: No. At the risk of sounding conceited, our record is very, very good.

TNG: Why should Washington DC come out and see you at the Black Cat?

RY: Because I spent my early years in DC. The first time I fell in love was in kindergarten in DC.
Yeah, she broke my heart.

Friday: Bike to Work Day

2008-05-15T15:35:00.001-04:00

Gas prices are going through the roof, transit fares have gone up (unless you take the bus and use SmarTrip), climate change concerns are keeping us up at night... What are we to do?

Well, for one, you can stop relying on fossil fuels to move your lazy butt around town. The easiest, fastest and healthiest way to do so would be to bike to work. And what a better time to start than now. It's finally truly springtime, the pollen count is down thanks to all that rain we just had, and tomorrow is Bike to Work Day! Experienced cyclists and newbies alike are getting excited about jumping on their bikes and riding en masse to Bike to Work Day events around the region. If you have a bike and work within 4 miles of your house, you really have no excuse not to ride to work tomorrow. (I bike to work 3.5 miles in my work clothes nearly every day and I hardly break a sweat.) Plus, there'll be free food and prizes at all the pit-stops.

You don't need to be a regular cyclist or seriously hard-core to bike to work. All you need is a helmet, a lock and the ability to cuff one of your pant legs.

The organizers of BTWD have arranged commuter convoys for those who are uncomfortable biking by themselves through the morning rush hour traffic. I usually team up with the Mount Pleasant convoy. However, I'm going to propose that we create a homo convoy: Is anyone interested in meeting up at Logan Circle at 8 AM and riding down to Freedom Plaza in a group? If so, leave a comment and/or email me. Of course, if it rains I might make other plans for getting to work.

California Votes "Yes" on Gay Marriage...For Now

2008-05-15T14:30:00.001-04:00

Not that it affects any of our rights, but the California Supreme Court just ruled that the state's constitution cannot uphold the banning of same-sex marriages. However, this doesn't mean the war is over. There is a chance that a state-wide constitutional amendment banning gay marriage could be approved by voters in the November elections. Doors open, boys!

A lot of debate rages in the gay community about whether it's worth divesting our energy into a societal institution that is flawed to begin with, but decisions like this go a long way toward giving us equal status in this country. Now if only I lived in California...and had a husband....this would be doubly exciting!

Sunday House Show at the Girl Cave

2008-05-15T14:00:00.008-04:00

Grease your speculums, because the Girl Cave is gonna be a hot, sweaty mess this Sunday. Queer punk locals Ingrid will be playing one of their last shows in awhile--their gaymazing drummer Ashley (also of Des Ark) is joining the legions of homos heading West. Take this opportunity to wish her well (or if you're like me, simply swoon from the back of the room.) Last time I went to a show at the Girl Cave, there was a girl guitar player with CUNT LOVE tattooed across her fingers and an improvised make-out tent called Fort-twenty. This time there'll be vegan bbq. The potential for stained lips / hands / clothing is endless. See flyer for details.

Tonight: Cut Copy Afterparty @ Redeem

2008-05-15T13:10:00.001-04:00

Cut Copy, "Saturday."

Where did Cut Copy come from? I'm seeing their show at the Black Cat tonight on a recommendation from a friend, but it seems that everyone and their mother will be joining me. It's already sold out. I don't much of their music (beside the fact that it's really shimmery and appeals to my weakness for dance rock,) but I am looking forward to the show's enticing afterparty. Right across the street at Redeem Urban Apparel (1734 14th St.) will be an open bar event, DJ'd by Cut Copy themselves, from 10 p.m. to 3 a.m.

However, you'll only get in if you RSVP. Don't drop the ball.

Saturday May 17: Live Queer Acoustic Rock

2008-05-15T12:15:00.004-04:00

Queer musicians Eric Himan and Tom Goss will be stopping by Solly's this coming Saturday as part of their current US Tour. Tom, who's based out of DC, was kind enough to work with us when he and the TNG Vernal Equniox Party were double booked back in March. He and his guests played for the TNG audience and picked up a few new fans. As for Eric, well, he's cute and has hot sleeves. As for their music, that's up to you. You can sample some of their tunes below the fold.

Eric Himan and Tom Goss perform at Solly's, 8 PM on Saturday May 17, 1942 11th Street, NW

Eric Himan: There's Gotta Be Something

Tom Goss: Rise

Jodie Foster is Back on the Market

2008-05-15T11:45:00.005-04:00

A few breakups ago found me bemoaning my bad luck and bad choices to my mom. I was giving her the whole "I'm gonna die alone" and "why do I select the hopelessly incompatible" laundry list of self-pitying bullshit, when she helpfully offered, "Ellen's cute."

It was heartening and amusing to think my mom believed Ellen Degeneres might be, um, in my league and social circle, and were I single now I wonder if she might point out that Jodie Foster, too, is cute, as she and Cydney Bernard, recently revealed partner of 14 years, have split.

Cydney, we hardly knew ya. Let's hope the two kids and fortune between them don't make this ugly on top of sad. On the bright side, Jodie Foster is Back on the Market.

Movin' On Up

2008-05-15T11:15:00.002-04:00

This post was submitted by Allison, who watches too much Bravo and is addicted to gmail.

Oprah is the Queen of disseminating information around the Globe. What's that? You wrote a book about constipation? Send those informative pages to Oprah and -- if she likes it -- she will turn your clogged poop into 24k gold.

Of course, it's no surprise that Oprah's recent pick, Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" has gotten a nipple hardening reaction from Oprah viewers. At first, this book seems like the quasi philosophical-"how can I get a spiritual sense of being and lose 20lbs"-self help book. But apparently "A New Earth" (as well as Tolle's past writings) is all about being a truly free, emotionally evolved person-about freeing yourself from confining labels and relishing in self awakening. And who, according to Tolle, are some of the most prepared for this spiritual advancement? Homosexuals! Omg!

Apparently, to begin spiritual awakening, you have to have suffered emotional pain and struggled with identity. Through this pain we discover that we are not made up of what we think, what we believe or what we judge. We are then able to separate the mind's judgments from our own identity, and subsequently reconnect with the body and spirit. HOLY MOLY! I can't wait to be "free."

Tolle describes humans as a funnel of emotion, spirit and intellect. Nothing truly defines a person -especially since we evolve everyday of our lives. Societal limitations, like labels, grudges, racism, sexism, capitalism, ruin allllll this healthy funneling and enlightenment (For example, instead of saying "he is gay" one should think "He enjoys having sex with men. And that's just the way it is." ). Gays (of all sexes) are closer to breaking past these limitations because society already forces us to re-identify ourselves. By acting against learned behaviors of society, gay men and women let their body 'funnel' natural emotions, desires, and a true sense of being. This separation of belief and feeling makes us homos much closer to bursting out like a fucking caterpillar with wings. I'm glad Tolle decided to elaborate on the label of homosexuality, since the term is often associated with larger labels of identity-race, gender, religion.

Of course, there is a catch. Although gays may be more prepared to 'move on up to the spiritual-upper east-side,' we are also just as vulnerable to find comfort in the gay, lesbian, bi, transgender identities; to fall back into different conformities and limitations. Doing this makes us live a clouded life, devoid of true happiness; we might as well crawl into a big gay rainbow hole and lay in the fetal position.

Well, I guess, Thank you Tolle for elaborating on such logic. But am I supposed to just chill out until my "spiritually inferior" peers catch up to this way of thinking? Freeing myself from labels does feel empowering, but then again, the Oprah show is making "A New Earth" seem like a glorified self help seminar. Is the journey to enlightenment inherently...selfish?

Damn, I have a migraine.

Things I plan to do to become a more spiritual being:

1. Watch less Bravo TV

2. Get over lingering grudge from 8th grade (Chris Myers said my thighs were "bulgy")

3. Not check g-mail more than 49 times a day

4. Look at myself only in window reflections, not actual mirrors

5. Volunteer more than twice a year.

............Well, it's a start.

Thursday: The Burma Benefit

2008-05-15T09:00:00.000-04:00

TNG reader "Jean" sent us this post about her benefit, and the following message: "Thank you so much for posting this to your site! I spent a great deal of time in Myanmar at the beginning of this year and have many friends there who are affected. I thank you most sincerely for helping me promote this benefit."

Burma (Myanmar) is experiencing a humanitarian crisis of epic proportions as Cyclone Nargis devastated the country last week, leaving an estimated death toll of 100,000 and more than 1 million Burmese without food, clean water, and shelter.

Suggested donations of $10 will be collected for Save the Children's relief efforts in Burma. Save the Children is one of the only organizations currently on the ground in Burma – therefore, your donation is guaranteed to reach the cyclone victims and reach them quickly. Save the Children has mobilized its large staff of 500 aid workers in Burma to respond to the emergency and deliver much-needed food, water and other materials both throughout the delta region hit by the cyclone. For more information, please click here.

In exchange for your generous donation, Lounge 201 will be offering 1/2 price specialty beers and $5 vodka drinks for our guests.

Save the Children will continue to achieve success in reaching these victims - but not without your help. Please join us in supporting this important cause! Please direct any questions to shipitevents@gmail.com.

THE BURMA BENEFIT
An Event to Raise Money for the Relief Efforts in Burma
Thursday, May 15
6:30-8:30 p.m.
Lounge 201
201 Massachusetts Avenue, NE
Washington, DC 20002

Arsenic and No Lace: A Summer Bummer

2008-05-14T15:52:00.004-04:00

Breaking News: The Washington Post is reporting that Fort Reno Park in upper NW is closed indefinitely after "United States Geological Survey satellite imaging reports found high levels of arsenic in the soil." Fort Reno, the only Civil War battlefield within the city's borders, is a local music institution which hosted an annual free summer concert series showcasing DC bands for the past 39 years. Sitting on a blanket in the mid-summer humidity with the music filling the Tenleytown skies was a true DC experience. The summer series was legendary for promoting the much revered DC independent sound, including the likes of Tsunami, Chisel, Frodus, Tuscadero, Q and Not U, Ted Leo, the Warmers, Trans Am, Mary Timony, the Dismemberment Plan, the Sorts, Bratmobile, and the legendary Fugazi (shown above playing at Fort Reno) whose annual free show was a must-see.

A Life or a Lifestyle?

2008-05-14T12:25:00.001-04:00

Queer life is pretty complicated. Unlike the straight world, our relationships are often defined by new terms such as "partner" or "special friend" instead of the straightforward boyfriend to fiance to husband. These new terms are often used by people who live far outside of the queer universe. What's evident is that far too many straight people lack the sensitivity and knowledge needed to speak about queers without pissing us off.

One of my biggest pet peeves is the term "lifestyle" to refer to the way we homos live. The term is usually used in a sentence, such as "I don't dislike him as a person, I just disapprove of his lifestyle." Whoosh! There I go, through the roof.

That's not to say that there isn't such a thing as a gay lifestyle. There is one. And it's generally what TNG is working to promote alternatives to. In my understanding of the gay lifestyle, gay men: wear lots of cologne; have sex with each other at the drop of a dime; spend more time at the gym and the mall than at work or being otherwise productive; spend more time having sex or looking for it than working out or shopping; use the word "fabulous" whenever they mean "good", "great", "fine", "well", "okay", or "terrific"; are either drinking or recovering from drinking, or both; are always ready with a clever quip delivered with a snap. Those sorts of things are what comprise a lifestyle. However, not every gay man maintains that lifestyle. Actually, very few — if any — actually do.

My lifestyle is defined by my core values. Those values translate into the following rules that I aim to keep every day of my life: Treat others as you would want to be treated; leave everything the way you find it, if not better; respect all life; to the extent that the other rules are observed, anything is okay in moderation. These rules result in a lifestyle that includes, among others, a career I'm passionate about, home-cooking 90% of the food that goes into my body, keeping fit and active through yoga, cycling and working out at the gym, living without a car, trying to help people in any way I can. So what if I'm attracted to men. How could that one fact that taint the otherwise respectable lifestyle I've fashioned for myself?

Most people who would be heard voicing the above quote about disapproving of the gay lifestyle actually have lifestyles that I disapprove of. They're living the American Dream, complete with two-car garage, 2.5 kids, white picket fence, a chicken in every pot... Basically, the pursuit of happiness at the expense of their personal health and the health of our planet and our collective future. How much of that is linked to their sexual orientation? Chances are, there are queers living right next door to them, attending their block parties and raising kids that sit next to their own in the elementary school down the street, maintaining the exact same "lifestyle" they are. Yet having gay sex behind their closed doors.

You don't see me protesting their suburban block parties, where they gather to celebrate their lifestyles, angrily telling them that they need to change the way in which they live. But maybe some day I will. And when I'm there, I'll make sure to inform them that they shouldn't use the term "lifestyle" to refer to queers and the fact that we have sex with people of the same gender.

Now, not all straight folk are completely uneducated when it comes to the ability to discuss queer lives. I have an aunt who is progressive enough to not only stay at a gay bed and breakfast, but upon arrival ask the bearish proprietors whether they mind having a "couple of breeders" staying at their inn. This is a true story, and she felt the need to tell me this story so that I knew that she was capable of relating to me with understanding and compassion. And I appreciated that.

We as a culture should be working to help educate the people around us. We need to talk to our straight neighbors, colleagues, family members. We need to talk openly and candidly about ourselves and use terminology with which they might not be familiar. It's our job as the men and women who live valid gay lives to share our experiences and with those "breeders" who, unlike my aunt, have no idea how to talk to us.

Coda: The image above was created by me, but based on a Coors Light ad I found somewhere on the interweb. Obviously the employees at the marketing firm for Coors Light have bought into the Gay Lifestyle idea, and think that we gays spend all our time lounging by the pool with our hot friends.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: Family Style

2008-05-14T10:08:00.002-04:00

I love my family. I love them dearly. However, whenever I know I am going to be around them for an extended period of time (more than two hours at a time), I get a bundle of knots in my stomach, and the only way to cure the discomfort is usually to dig out some floral patterned shirts, hide my knee length, long-zippered shorts in the back of my closet, and throw out any gay newspapers I might have laying around my house. It’s not that my family doesn’t know that I’m gay, but it’s just such an unspoken and avoided topic that I'd rather ignore it than try to deal with it. Recently, though, the silence and unasked questions have been wearing on me pretty bad. It’s not so much an issue because I’m ever dying to tell my mom or dad about any recent snatch I’ve gotten or about some hot babe I gawked at on the metro, but more so just because it’s pretty damn irritating that no one in my family ever asks me any questions regarding the status of my love life, whether it’s happening or not.

I remember during college, after I had my first girlfriend and before I had told my family about my gayness (and even after I had), not calling home for weeks at a time whenever a girl issue was bothering me. Thinking of excuses for my morose tone and unenthusiastic attitude towards life was too much of a chore, and blurting out that another confused straight girl was playing the fiddle with my heart was not an option. Most vividly, I remember spending approximately one whole week after I found out that my first “girlfriend” had been madly in love with another girl the whole time we had been together, curled up in a sobbing ball on my dorm room couch, blasting Cat Power’s You Are Free, and, more than anything, wanting to call my mom and tell her how horrible I felt. Like any heartbroken young fool, I wanted my mom to assure me that my thrashed up heart would, in fact, heal and that we all go through such romantic woes before we learn the tricks of the relationship trade.

It was only months later, when my heart had healed and I had moved on, that I decided to open up to my family about my romantic inclinations. It was a pretty awkward situation, prompted mostly by my older sister going on about some guy she had maybe exchanged glances with twice and me thinking, “Fuck this, how dare my family give a shit about this guy and not even know that I love this girl who I hardly have the balls to reference by name around them.” Moments before I told my family (mid-reaching into the fridge to get the cheese because we were in the kitchen making sandwiches), I remember my sister looking at me and asking, “Stephanie, are you okay? You look like you’re about to be sick.” I’m pretty sure I still get that same sick look every time I contemplate saying something gay to one of my family members, whether I’m talking to them in person or over the phone; and every time, the sick feeling wins, and I end up asking about the status of my aging dog or how my brother’s last geometry test went.

Still, though, I get annoyed when my mom talks to me about my sister’s relationship, and I hate this because I know that the annoyance spawns mostly from jealousy. I’m jealous that my mom acknowledges my sister as a sexual being with the ability to care romantically for another human; in fact, I’m jealous that my mom recognizes that my sister cares about things other than work, exercising, Hillary Clinton, and Target deals. (It’s similar to, but not the same as, the jealousy I feel whenever my sister comments about how hot she thinks Johnny Depp is in front of my parents; I’ve forever wanted to tell my family how hot I think Sandra Bullock is, but I’ve never had the guts.)

At this point, though, I am beginning to wonder who is to blame. Is it really my family? Or is it me? Is it my problem that I don’t have the balls to tell my family I need to get off the phone because I want to watch the L Word; or that I’m still unsure and nervous about how out I want to be at work; or that I sound glum, not because Trader Joe’s was out of frozen brown rice or because the metro took a long time, but because I like a girl and I don’t know what to do about it. Would it really be as big of a deal as I think it would if I just said these things to my family? Would they really fall out of their chairs if I told them I was watching Miss Congeniality for the twentieth time, not for its plot and corny jokes, but just to ogle Sandra Bullock? Who knows, but my sister is coming to DC this weekend, so maybe I should try to find out.

Does Either Party Deserve Our Vote?

2008-05-14T09:00:00.010-04:00

The last issue of OUT magazine featured an article on Gay Republicans. This article generated such a great deal of mail from the gay republican contingent of our community that the writer of the article wrote a rebuttal to the original article.

The gist of the first article was that the closet is a bad place to be, and many if not most gay republicans who work on Capitol Hill have locked themselves inside it. Being gay and out in Washington is a quick way to lose power—something that gay republicans seem to value more than their own self-respect. Many of the republican commenters took issue with the article, stating that it was little more than a hit piece with no representation from actual republicans.

The rebuttal was simple enough. The writer, Charles Kaiser, responded that in spite of the backlash, “none of his detractors challenged any of the facts in his piece”:

“closeted gay Republican Congressmen and Senators have a very long history of voting against the interests of gay people -- whether the subject is gay marriage, gays in the military, or something as basic as the Employment Nondiscrimination Act, a law that would make it illegal to fire someone just because he or she is gay. And many talented gay Republicans -- inside and outside of the closet -- agree with David Duncan, that there’s nothing wrong with working for someone with homophobic positions, if gay bashing is the price you have to pay to keep a Republican Congressman in office.”

Regardless of the foul play claimed by gay republicans, the fact remains that they continue support people who steadfastly work to deny equal rights to gay people. As Kaiser goes on to write:

“I salute the Log Cabin Republicans for their efforts to change their party from within, and I’m sorry I didn’t include more of them in my piece. But it’s hard to see that they’ve made much of a difference, when every Democratic presidential candidate in 2008 favored an end to don’t ask, don’t tell, and every Republican was in favor of continuing it; every Democratic candidate participated in a discussion of gay issues on Logo, while every Republican boycotted it; and McCain, Thompson, Huckabee and Romney all opposed passage of the federal Employment Non-Discrimination Act, while every major Democratic candidate supported it.”

While most gay people have enough self-respect to not put any issue above equality under the law, does this mean we should automatically vote democrat?

No.

As one commenter aptly wrote:

“the liberals gave us Don't Ask/Don't Tell, the Defense of Marriage Act and it was a liberal governor who gave Texans that famous anti-sodomy law. Gay liberals dump millions of dollars and votes on people who have routinely passed ant-gay laws.”

Sure, there are ways that liberals explain these acts of gay bigotry, but the fact remains that they didn’t fight for us when we needed them. Most gay people I know slavishly support Hillary Clinton for President, yet:

-she won’t stand up for full marriage equality Obama doesn't either

-she won't reject “don’t ask/don’t tell” based on discrimination (in public she only admits opposing it because it depletes our military) Obama does

-she won't (on her own accord) mention gay people in speeches unless she’s speaking at a gay event, usually fundraisers. Obama does

-she doesn't list any GLBT links from her website, probably for fear of anti-gay supporters finding them (her base is more blue-collar and less educated than Obama's). Instead she provides a separate GLBT site that she disseminates in some indirect way. Obama's LGBT resources are easy to find on his website

-she is against repeal of DOMA. Obama says it should be repealed

Hillary lovers always tell me that she can’t really say what she feels, for political reasons, but why should I be in Hillary’s closet if I’m not in my own? I never accomplished anything transcendant while in the closet, and neither will she. Her husband enacted “Don't Ask Don't Tell” when he had a Democratic Congress and enacted the Defense of Marriage Act (and then heavily campaigned on his support of it in the South), and he we gave him a pass. Hillary learned from him. She knows that LGBT people will vote Democratic, and she counts on us not going elsewhere. These are the people we give our money and support to? Obama has a true outsider's perspective by nature of his story and he presents himself as a refreshing presence that might not be ashamed of us in the light of day, but by what party precedent do we trust him? Put our trust in an unproven guy who gives a good speech? Bill Clinton gave good speeches too.

The sad fact is that neither party deserves the support we give them. While Democrats have been good for us on a number of fronts, if we continue to support either party in the way we have grown accustomed, we will continue to be taken for granted. Regardless of party, gay people have by and large acquiesced to an incremental strategy of change that to this point hasn’t provided jack shit, unless you want to count President Clinton’s decision to ban workplace discrimination in the federal government. Aww, how nice. Now Republicans have recourse when their bosses try to fire them for being the very thing they work to marginalize. Excuse me if I'm not filling out my DNC pledge card.

This misplaced trust our community provides isn't limited to politicians. I found out last week that the Human Rights Campaign gave their endorsement to U.S. Senators that voted for a number of judges, two of which are now on the Supreme Court, who will undermine our basic rights long after these Senators’ political careers are over. Disgusting.

We need to demand more from our politicians. We need to demand more from the gay organizations we support. We need to demand more from ourselves.

New Music: We Are Scientists - Brain Thrust Mastery

2008-05-13T15:31:00.002-04:00

My first exposure to We Are Scientists was actually when I was studying in Buenos Aires. I went to see Franz Ferdinand at an old boxing arena and some kid in the crowd was wearing a t-shirt reading "I ARE SCIENTISTS". I thought that perhaps this was one in a long stream of shirts I'd been spotting that had funny English-phrases on them, not unlike stuff available on Engrish.com. I found out nearly 2 years later that it was not what I had thought, but instead a clever t-shirt from the band We Are Scientists.

Since then, I've had the chance to preview their new album which was released today. And it's pretty good. I've heard them compared to Flock of Seagulls minus the hair, which I can't necessarily hear. Tracks on the new album are a good mix of fun pop and modern rock. Think The Killers mixed with The Bravery combined with a little Bloc Party.

They have some fun videos, too, usually involving dogs. The video below for "After Hours" (probably my favorite song from the album) includes a guy going on a blind date with a dog. And the video above for the song "Chick Lit" includes the guys from the band herding Pomeranians. Could there be some Brokeback Mountain references in that video, too? Hmm. Obviously these guys have a good sense of humor. And they're pretty cute, too.

Will these guys change the world with their music? Probably not. But they're definitely worth checking out and listening to while waiting for another band that will.

The new album Brain Thrust Mastery by We are Scientists is available on iTunes.

Dear Kitchen Fags: Leave Me Alone

2008-05-13T14:18:00.000-04:00

The above is the original title for this post. Although now I'm thinking "Dear Kitchen Fags: Take Me In! Show Me Your Ways" would be more appropriate.

I'm a busy person. I have a full-time job and a gym habit. I work on this site for an hour or two every evening. I have a social life and I go to shows and have drinks with friends and read books. There are never enough hours in a day, so everyone makes sacrifices to do the things they truly find important. Like staying in on Saturday to study for a test, you have to give some things up things to lead a productive life.

What fell by my personal wayside was cooking. I never really learned how to do it. My boyfriend can whip up a full vegetarian Thanksgiving dinner with a spare half hour and two celery sticks, but when left to my own devices I'll be eating grilled cheese sandwiches or easy variations on pasta or even, god forbid, boxed mac and cheese (though Whole Foods brand. I still have some standards.) And people can be so mean about this.

Every day at work, I eat a turkey sandwich at my desk. It's not the most amazing lunch in the world and it won't appear in Martha Stewart Living. Hell, it might not even appear in Martha Stewart Prison Living. But it accomplishes the task of supplying me with basic nutrients, so I'm happy. However, the other people in my department happen to be intense foodies. While I'm wiping whole wheat crumbs off my face like some sloppy indigent, they're leaning over each other's cubicle walls and discussing the merits of cumin over turmeric, or how long it took to get the vinegar reduction on their chef salad to the exact right level of carmelization.

If I had the time and knowhow, I would have lunches like those of my coworkers (who might be reading this — Hi Greg!) But I don't, so I find myself defending my food a lot. My attitude on such matters is usually to do what I was doing and not alter my path due to criticism. So for a while, turkey sandwiches were my true, righteous path. Judases be damned.

But then something happened. My boyfriend began packing me lunches, so now I sit at my desk eating things like cold sesame noodles or lentil and rice salads with lemon dressing. And my coworkers LOVE this. They inspect my Tupperware, praising the seasoning of a given dish and wondering when I'm going to bring in extra portions for them. It's like gaining entry to a culinary cool kids club that I didn't know existed. Then I started thinking: could all these food naysayers simply have my best interests in mind?

As a gay man, I feel like I have some obligation to eat well. Or, at least, palatably. Last year TNG Ben assembled a group of guys to see "Love's Labour Lost" at the Carter Barron Ampitheatre, and you would not believe the kind of snacks that we all brought to the pre-show picnic. Whole Foods grape leaves. Three varieties of hummus. Blue cheese! Oh, the blue cheese! I was going to just buy some Cooler Ranch Doritos and be done with it, but I had an inkling that this would embarrass me. So I grabbed pita chips instead and fit right in.

But is there any room left in this world for the slovenly homo? I'm only 24, so I can't tell if my gross habits are just an affront to the cultured sodomite or actual anathemas to the behavior of a properly functioning adult. When do I have to stop eating ice cream out of the carton? Is there a magic age one reaches where you can no longer eat the jelly bean that you find under your coffee table? Even if its licorice?

Luckily, right now I'm fortunate enough to be dating someone that makes most of the food decisions for me. I hate to admit it, but I would rather spend two hours doing dishes than one hour cooking. So the system works. For now. But what do you all think? Does the average gay eat better than their straight counterpart? Am I disgusting?

The Couple in the Group House

2008-05-13T13:00:00.012-04:00

When I first moved to D.C., I lived in a group-house-in-name-only. We were a bunch of Craigslist randoms that just happened to cohabitate. The sheer nonsense of our union was exposed when I left work early one afternoon only to return home to an improvised meth lab, constructed like an elaborate game of Mousetrap™, throughout our house’s first floor.

As I acclimated to the D.C. queer scene and met more people, I traded weird dormitory-style living arrangements borne of necessity for more cohesive, organic group house settings--pretty much all in Columbia Heights. You don’t have to be Tangina (pictured) to sense the poltergeists of gentrification encircling the Party on a Whim aisle of the new Target, and likewise sending housing (group or other) in the Cola Hey into total chaos. So inevitably, my house sold into million dollar condos, and I was left scrambling for a new place to find passive aggressive notes about dishes and/or bills.

My girlfriend was moving into the Aqueerium at 14th and Monroe--a still to this day shambolic utopia of dance parties, DIY music-making, and well-fed garden rats. My temporary decision to move in with her until I found housing turned into nigh-on three years of living together in group houses. Sure it’s awesome to pay under $200 a month in rent, and sharing a room seems more feasible in the honeymoon phase of a relationship (okay maybe this is a particularly dykey statement). These perks aside, being the couple in the group house pretty much sucks an elephant-in-the-room-sized-dick.

I have to preface this by saying I love my friends that have lived with me and my gf over the years. But let’s be honest, no friends, no matter how close, want to partake in the cuddliness, mundane domestic logistics, or naked contempt that are part and parcel to the average relationship. Friend relationships within the house begin to morph around “the unit” of the couple; meanwhile, the couple is struggling to stay relevant as individuals while working on growing together in healthy ways.

Last year, my group house disbanded, and I got my own place with the gf. I’m sad that we’re all a little more scattered and a little less entwined, but I think it’s probably for the best. When I bike past my old group-haunts in the Heights, it is almost as if I can hear Tangina cackle, “This house is clean!” (of couples).

Hot Song Alert: Light of Love by Music Go Music

2008-05-13T10:35:00.001-04:00

The latest mystery in pop music is the band Music Go Music. According to their publicist, the band's "identity is very secret." Considering the band is signed to the record label Secretly Canadian, should we be surprised?

I could go into detail about how brilliantly ABBA-esque this track is, but it would just be easier if you listened to it yourself using the widget below. What I will say is that with a song this brilliant, the band doesn't need a sensible name.

Click this widget to play "Light of Love" by Music Go Music.

From the press release about the single:
Music Go Music have the simple syrup of pop extravagance running through their veins. These arena-sized songs are composed with such savage efficiency that you find yourself humming along before two bars have gone by. They are as assured and crafted as ABBA and ELO's best songs of '76, yet Music Go Music sounds fresh. They've exploded the formulas from the inside out, sounding like a hundred others and no one else. "Light of Love" is a true celebration of pop music's potential - laying a thin sheen of magic over the world around it, and making the tedious bits of the human experience a little less so.

Hipster Identity Crisis

2008-05-13T09:30:00.000-04:00

I recently re-discovered this old MetroWeekly article by Will Doig, a writer I knew from DC who moved up to New York, never to be heard from again (at least by me). He discusses the ubiquity of the gay hipster in New York’s Williamsburg neighborhood:

The hipster gay seems to be overtaking the flashy gym gay as the primary gay stereotype. The hipster gay has Conor Oberst's hair and, in many cases, Conor Oberst's body as well. Large muscles are not hip to the hipster gay. The hipster gay wears a 1970s necktie (around his neck, not in the collar of his shirt), and a hoodie underneath a frayed, pin-striped sport jacket. The hipster gay's jeans are tastefully torn, his Converse sneakers appropriately ragged.

Despite this, the hipster gay, I think, is not all that different from the flashy gym gay, whose shiny Adidas pants and striped rugby shirt seem designed to emulate a heterosexual sports enthusiast. The hipster gay emulates a straight boy as well, one that plays bass for a band called The Pun Makers and drinks blue-collar beer and dates a girl who wears thick-rimmed glasses and looks vaguely like Velma from Scooby-Doo.

While the gay hipster identity has not proven as successful in DC as more traditional gay roles (the prep/the jock), there has been some increase in numbers among those who define themselves hipsters (or gipster—I’m told some use this term for “gay hipsters”) during the years since Will’s article was published.

First of all, I’m still not sure what a hipster is. I assume it refers to someone who is hip. Who decides what is hip? I don’t know, but apparently people think I do, because I’ve been called a hipster, and this blog has been called a “hipster blog.” Thus, this appellation has inspired me to leave this closest that I didn’t know I was in and find out what it is that I supposedly am.

From reading Will’s article, it seems that hipsters are skinny. I’m not that skinny, but I’m definitely slim. Check. Hipsters are also Ironic. Why such an elevated importance of Irony...I don't know, but I’m a writer and irony is a tool in my bucket, so check. I enjoy going to dive bars and locales with character that provide a relaxed atmosphere, I enjoy shopping at thrift stores, and I like a wide variety of music. I've come to understand the same is true for hipsters, so check, check, check. I’ve also noticed that hipsters have interesting grooming habits, particularly in relation to their hair. Well, I don’t own a comb or any hair fixatives. Check. I’m also told that hipsters are “cutting-edge.” I'm fairly forward thinking, so check. Is that it? I’m a hipster! Awesome.

But wait a minute.

After spending time at so-called hipster venues and around hipster people, I start to notice things that don’t make sense to me. Aren’t hipster supposed to be artists and thinkers? Cutting-edge, right? Civic minded, at least? Who said that! Ok, maybe no one. Many of them don't seem particularly interesting or engaged in anything beyond their own narcicissm, or believe certain progressive ideas for reasons beyond the fact that they were fed to them at university. In fact, most hipsters seem as mindlessly obsessed with image and pop culture as everyone else.

I also learn that hipsters aren’t buying thrift because clothing is overpriced, fashion is label driven, or because they want to assemble creative and fun outfits. Much of what they buy is new, right off the rack, and much of the "thrift" they purchase is more expensive than new clothing. Their motivation is to reflect an image, fit in, and be hip. Upon closer inspection, much of hipster fashion is as uniform driven as the abercrombie jock/preppie gay tribes. I have no problem with image driven fashion choices, as it's natural to wear the drag of our social group. We all do it. I'm just a little dissapointed to find out that there's nothing behind their fashion statement other than wanting to fit in with the herd of "hip" people.

The music? Most of these indie bands that they swear by aren’t very good, rehash the same tired formulas, and vanish in six months. I'm also dissapointed to find out that hipster musical taste, while deep, isn't particularly broad. For instance, I tried to have a conversation with a band of hipsters recently (they were actually in a band) about various musical groups from across an array of different musical genres, and they were clueless about anything beyond a few iconic rock bands and their own contemporary indie music scene. One of them had heard of Al Green, but the damage was already done.

And the grooming thing? Some of them just stink. In the 60s, long or unkempt hair was a symbol of rebellion against gender and social norms, now it seems to be just another empty post-modern status symbol that indicates one’s gang affiliation.

Maybe I'm being too critical of hipsterdom, and I haven't made a proper effort to judge it fairly or see it from a broader spectrum. In and of itself, there's certainly nothing wrong with it as a social group, when compared to any other. Unlike the video below (which I think is painfully funny), the hipsters I've met aren't better or worse than anyone else I've met in any other social clique. The greatest criticism that I can levy is simply that I looked at their choices and expected to find a reflective ideology, but found only banality in their sociology. Unfortunate, but not surprising, as banality is one trait that all large social groups seem to have in spades. I suppose that's just the nature of things.

Trivia: the "refreshing" party Will referenced in the article was started by TNG's very own Michael.

Madder Love

2008-05-12T16:25:00.002-04:00

This post was contributed by local author, blogger and music reviewer, Craig Laurance Gidney.

The surrealist movement has had a profound effect on my own writing. Liberating the subconscious and the idea of imagination as a revolutionary are all tenets in the surrealist manifesto I am simpatico with. It is a known fact that founder Andre Breton was homophobic and sexist; in spite of this, the female surrealists are, in my opinion, the best visual and literary artists the movement spawned. In addition to the well-known practitioners, like Dali and Magritte, the movement spawned lesser known, edgier artists—like the cryptic paintings of Leonora Carrington and Remedios Varo, and the metaphysical works of bisexual writer/revolutionary René Crevel. The movement also influenced Frida Kahlo and the recently deceased Negritude poet Aime Cesaire.

When the call of submission to an anthology, Madder Love: Queer Men in the Precincts of Surrealism, ed. Peter Dubé (Rebel Satori Press) was announced, I jumped at the opportunity. It's an honor to be in a book alongside such long-admired authors like Stephen Beachy and Kevin Killian. Here is an excerpt of my own piece, "The Magus Club," which is influenced by Lautreamont and queer playwright Joe Orton:

Strange cities sprouted on the rotting ground of the Corpse. Structures of bone and gristle, cemented by blood and bile, where tame lice hooked up to rickshaws patrolled narrow streets. These cities, lit by energy powered from the dying brain waves and rigor mortis, were dangerous places. They were glorified slums for criminals, ruled by cults and tyrants. Brothels full of succubae and catamites festered like infections in their alleys.

Thanks, Al Gore

2008-05-12T15:02:00.000-04:00

I’ve been out of life-commission for about two weeks now. I should be able to blame this on the fact that I was juggling grad school finals and a 50-hour work-week; pathetically, however, I cannot. In order to displace the blame from myself, though, there is only one other entity for me to point a finger at: the Internet. Last week, I described Facebook to someone as a black hole of integrity; however, the Internet itself – the whole World Wide Web – is even worse than just FB. I say this because for me the Internet has become a black hole of not just integrity, but also time, real life conversations, fresh air, and hobbies. In fact, I am beginning to think that this fandangled Internet may be doing my life way more bad than good.

Zack has already commented on how the Internet has the ability to bring out his inner-creepster, and from the comments people left and from mine and my friends’ experiences, I am positive he is not alone. For each hour that I am at my computer supposed to be doing something productive (which is often because I’m a grad student and a teacher), you can bet that I spend at least twenty minutes being a creepster, perusing unimportant vice-sites, or living in the past via online pictures of myself and friends. The list of most-visited sites that drops down when I begin to type “www.” into my location bar is a shame, and the ridiculous number of social networking sites I’m a member of is an embarrassment. I have my homepage set to the news, and I feel like poseur each time I see it. Because of the Internet, I know more information about celebrities and acquaintances than is sometimes comfortable. In fact, although it may still be a long ways away, I am crossing my fingers that soon our generation makes the transition into it being socially acceptable to say, “Oh, I know that your second cousin’s brother goes to my alma mater because I stumbled across him following link after link from your profile – anyway, does he like it there?”

What’s worse than the Internet turning us into creepsters, though, is the culture of instant gratification and impatience that it fosters. The Internet is training us to live in a mind-frame of “what I want right now, I can have right now.” When I want to buy something, I can be purchasing it in the time it takes me to whip out my credit card. If I think of something I meant to tell someone, I can type it out and have my message in their inbox within minutes. Furthermore, as a person who is pretty impatient already, I feel like the Internet is making this personality trait even worse, or otherwise giving me ADD. Hardly a day goes by when I don’t have a thought like: Why isn’t my Blockbuster movie here, yet – I sent my other one back two days ago? Why hasn’t he responded to my email – I sent it like thirty minutes ago? And never can I sit down to do research without opening up five other tabs to do Google and/or Wikipedia searches of whatever pops into my head.

Today, I feel like I literally depend on the Internet – for communicating, for news, for being so Nuevo Gay, and for knowing the general interests and favorite music of anyone I have a conversation with. In fact, the two times in the past three years when I lived in Internetless apartments, my roommates and I would essentially balance on one toe while holding our computers inside the microwave if that’s what it took to pick up a nearby wireless signal. However, after my pathetic and unproductive past two weeks, I’ve been thinking that one day soon I may try to quit the Internet for a substantial amount of time. Sure, maybe I’ll get fired, lose any Ohio friends I have left, forget to wish some good friends happy birthday, and probably run up a $500 cell phone bill by replacing Gchat with texting, but it will reassure me that humanity does not equal technology.

On Manscaping, Manhunt and More (or How to Be a Fag in Three Not-So-Easy Lessons) Part III

2008-05-12T13:00:00.002-04:00

This post is the third in a three part series that was submitted by Al, who is a queer transman and fed up observer of local gay culture. Read the first two posts here.

Once in a rare while a seemingly decent guy did make it through to actually communicating with me more than once. At this point it should have been easy, breezy, beautiful, cover girl, n’est pas? Not so fast. Being trans may be ok with some guys, and they may have accepted my lack of gym bunny physique, but what of the other ways in which I don’t measure up? A new group of truths to disclose felt like a heavy burden.

Let’s begin by examining the average profile of one of my manhunt admirers in order to illuminate our differences. Sample: “discreet, straight-acting, masculine guy seeks same for NSA fun...” I don’t know how a guy goes about acting straight other than by fucking women, and does that really disqualify someone as queer? Wait, these guys aren’t queer, they’re gay.

The word “masculine” is another item I take to task. It is used often and I haven’t yet determined how it differs from “straight-acting.” The issue is that regardless of semantics, I am far from straight acting and not uber masculine. I can be one flaming, queeny, effeminate kind of faggot. I have been known to sashay as opposed to walk, use my limp wrist to point out quality couture in passing, and yes, I have a Hello Kitty collection (and a damned impressive one to boot). Testosterone may have lowered my voice, but I am never mistaken for straight on the phone and if you met me in person you wouldn’t need to hear that lilt as my wardrobe, complete with junior-sized girls short-shorts and tight graphic tees in my favorite color, pink, would hit you first, bitches! This is a tough one as effeminacy can be mistaken for femininity with someone who was assigned female at birth.

The aforementioned traits are in no way an indication that I’m lousy at being ftm. As if being told I’m not trans enough by other ftms for this very reason isn’t enough, I get girlified by cisfags too. Funny, I wasn’t aware that I had entered a gender contest. I only hope there’s a tiara for the winner.

A different portion of these profiles could be termed “fantasyland.” No, we’re not in Disney World and I’m not referencing fantasy football either (obviously.) I’m talking about the second line of our sample profile “in shape-gym 5x a week, you be too. 8” cut. Smooth...” Just being online and trusting that these pictures are actually of the people posting requires the suspension of disbelief, but really now, I’m supposed to believe all this? The only reason these Calvin Clones go to the gym that much, if that is true, is to get action in the steam room. Provided this is a good way to burn off calories, but it’s not going to get you in shape for the next gay games (unless they’ve added watersports). I go to my gym regularly, but really, who has that much time? Between working out and getting waxed these guys must be exhausted. Your supposed 8” aren’t going to mean a thing when you’re too tired to rise to the occasion.

Page upon page of snooty, PNP power-bottoms with mug shots of their bleached ass holes (do their mothers know those are out there for the world to see?) have left me lusting for a new site. In fact, I’d like to launch realqueerguyhunt.com, your one-stop shopping spot for real, decent guys who don’t use fake tanner, don’t go to gyms that necessitated getting a personal trainer to get in shape enough to join in the first place, and who don’t suffer from factitious disorder. And no, this site isn’t sponsored by Absolut Vodka. I’m calling all you queer guys who only have a two-pack, you scrawny emo guys who wear skinny jeans (you know you’re my faves), you truly radical and progressive types who fight against HRC assimilationists and their sterilized version of liberalism, you guys who know safer sex can be hot, you guys who listen to Tegan and Sarah, and of course you guys who don’t think what’s under my clothes makes me a girl. I know you’re out there and I bet you feel as insecure as I do in certain gay spaces.

I have a penchant for dramatic retellings, naturally, but I have met some good guys and do feel like a part of something. I was thrilled when my fag co-workers starting referring to me the way they do each other. For instance, when someone addresses the entire group they say “ladies” and if someone likes your shirt they compliment your lovely “blouse.” Ok, so some refer to their own junk as pussies, but refrain from using that term when it comes to me; discretion is a good thing. You see, faggotry isn’t simply the act of lusting after and loving other guys. It is a culture like any other whose particulars must be absorbed through various measures. This culture comes complete with its own foods (did you remember to pick up some cous cous at the Whole foods?); costumes (where did I put that Ben Sherman track jacket?) and customs (use your imagination). All cultures also have diversity; in this case I may need to search far beyond the city limits to find it.

So what would my profile on the new site read? How about this:
Headline: wicked smart, effeminate boy who used to be a girl seeks actual dates!

5’3, kinda muscular and slim, but sporting a little belly pooch. Will shave shoulders for second date. Interests: vegan baking, contemporary art, fashion, and collecting vintage Hello Kitty stationary. DDF, you be too. No BB or PNP. Post-graduate work a plus, but not required. Non-monogamy is ok, but cheating on your bf isn’t. Alternative, punk, artsy and emo guys will be given preference, as will genuine sweethearts. Interested? Email me.

*face pic required

Your Monday Upper: My Penis Would Break Off!

2008-05-12T11:59:00.000-04:00

It would get stuck in her vagina!

Keeping with the theme of bestiality displayed in last week's upper, today's (tardy) video is one in a series of videos on the Sundance Channel website called Green Porno. They all feature Isabella Rossellini graphically explaining the sex lives of various insects. This one is probably my favorite, and most of that is due to her in-flight thrusting right before...her penis breaks off! Any monday where I get to type that twice is a good monday indeed. Enjoy, my little buzzlings.

And for bonus points: What TV character had Isabella Rossellini on his "list" of celebrities he could cheat on his girlfriend with?