bee-spot

We are the world,

2009-07-08T09:21:00.003-04:00

and we are seriously fucked up.

Seriously. 24 hours dedicated to a funeral for someone who wasn't even real royalty? I say this because Princess Di's funeral coverage was totally warranted. Duh.

Case in point:

Happy 4th Y'all

2009-07-04T14:51:00.003-04:00

Drink of the day: Hendricks and tonic* with cucumber.

*In honor of MJ, I won't stop till I get enough.

Song of the day: July, July! - The Decemberists.

Activity of the day: Being all American and shit.

Dudes! Check it!

2009-07-02T16:53:00.004-04:00

I wish I could take credit for finding this, but alas, I cannot. I can, however, pimp it and hope that you think it's funny too, like pee in your pants a little bit funny. If not, we probably shouldn't be friends, but probably for very different reasons. In any case, enjoy...

http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

A Few Things:

2009-06-29T10:30:00.000-04:00

1. A sink, unlike a vagina, is not self cleaning. Just because the nature of this apparatus is to contain soap and water and facilitate the cleaning of things, it does not mean that such actions will result in acceptable vessel cleanliness. You actually have to dump in some Comet (I like Bon Ami, but it's not sold in Norman grocery stores) and scrub the sink. I know, counter intuitive. But try it.

2. I sliced my thumb open yesterday with the new chef's knife I bought upon recommendation from Cooks Illustrated - it's the Victorinox 8" Chef's Knife with Fibrinox handle. The knife is freaking awesome at only $25. The slit in my thumb is not. My boyfriend has a JD, which, during medical situations, is apparently akin to an MD. Who knew?

3. I now own Diane Von Furstenburg luggage courtesy of Mom approved retail therapy. Now, for somewhere to go...

4. MJ was most likely a child predator. How come we are forgetting this?

5. Should I bother going to Dfest? My beloved Cake will be there.

6. It's Lacey's* birthday! She's younger than me, but much more accomplished. I should've called her about my injury instead of my lawyer.

7. Stoned wallabies!

8. In spite of simultaneous over and underwatering, our garden has produced several green tomatoes and a few baby peppers! Woo! Soon, I will be forced into consuming fresh vegetables out of guilt. Boo.

9. Lacey's birthday reminds me that mine will arrive shortly. I remember freaking out when I turned 26. I'll bet my 26 year old self is feeling stupid because now I'm turning 30 - 2, which is a much bigger deal because I am unmarried, unchilded and unPhD'd.

10. I need more workout/running songs. Seriously, all I can bust it to is Beyonce. There has to be an alternative. If I hear "Single Ladies" one more time... I will break into a weird robut dance.

11. Speaking of robuts, whatever happened to David Cross?

12. I'm breaking up with Mark Kurlansky. After struggling, literally, for years to finish Salt, I attempted to spice it up a bit by bringing The Food Of A Younger Land into the bedroom. Total backfire. Either I'm not as cerebral/hipster as I thought or he's overhyped. I prefer to go with the latter, but suspect the former is true.

13. I am dreading the 4th of July, as it is the New Years of the summer. I'm not a "lake person" and that appears to be the only option in these parts. Thoughts? Comments? Concerns?

*If you have not yet read her blog, you should. She is far more entertaining than I in that she is actually capable of entertainment.

When, I ask you, when?

2009-06-24T20:19:00.002-04:00

As I sit at my desk, eating cold lo mein out of a mug staring down another 14 hour work day, I am wondering, when will someone notice the awesomeness that is this blog and correctly infer that there could only be more awesomeness in the person behind it and make me famous? When?

BREAKING NEWS!

2009-06-22T23:14:00.001-04:00

1. something pretty fantastic, should the stars align properly, is going to happen to me in one to one and a half months.

2. jon & kate 8 = 0

3. the white house has a flickr page. it's pretty awesome.

Too late?

2009-06-19T11:41:00.004-04:00

I was watching daytime TV yesterday at home (e.g. not at work) because I had a migraine that was literally trying to liquefy my brain and came across a commercial for Juicy Juice Brain Development juice stuff for babies. Now, aside from sounding gross (mom! can I have a some brain development?), I'm wondering - is it too late? I could really use some brain development right about now. Could I have some after coming home from the bar and just call it even? I think this warrants investigation.

um. seriously?

2009-06-17T10:42:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, after a mindnumbing 10.5 hours of work*, I commenced the long commute home, planning to veer my car toward the ol' homestead to walk my** dog with my mom to stretch out my legs after desk jockying for so long, but instead, ended up at happy hour with the BF. As I was sitting outside, drinking an IPA, feet up in the chair across from me, staring into the setting sun, I looked down at my chest, because, well, why not, it's awesome, and noticed something out of place.

At some point earlier in the day, I had been chewing gum. I don't know when I ceased chewing this gum. But, I guess I did, because there it was, stuck between the top of my dress and my cardigan. I thought, for a moment, maybe it's not mine! Maybe someone else threw their gum at my lady lumps. But no, it was green gum. I only chew green gum.

How did this happen? When did this happen? Was I talking to someone, and suddenly, the act of moving my chaw to masticate became too much of an effort and I simply let the gum drop out of my mought while I thought, huh.

*My job really isn't that bad. Sometimes days get long.
**This is my dog from high school who resides with my parents at their behest. I would prefer her to live with me. Claire, the dog, would prefer to eat bacon all day long.

Zack Harrison Memorial Music Monday: Modern Girl's Guide To Breaking Up Edition

2009-06-15T11:25:00.002-04:00

I'm not breaking up with anyone, for now. Except maybe Fiber One bars. However, I do enjoy a good break up song. Yes, there are lots of oldies but goodies, I like these newer ones, though. This is, by no means, a complete list:

Single Again - Fiery Furnaces

Breaking Up - Rilo Kiley

Wake Up Alone - Amy Winehouse

Let's Not Belong Together - Pete Yorn

Irreplaceable - Beyonce

Your Ex-Lover Is Dead - Stars

I Think I Need A New Heart - The Magnetic Fields

Come Pick Me Up - Ryan Adams

No Children - The Mountain Goats

Song For The Dumped - Ben Folds Five

Broken Heart - Spiritualized

I Am Trying To Break Your Heart - Wilco

Nothing Better - Postal Service

Smile - Lily Allen

Woke Up New - The Mountain Goats

I'm Waking Up To You - Belle & Sebastian

Foundations - Kate Nash

Grounds For Divorce - Elbow

The Ice Is Getting Thinner - Death Cab For Cutie

No Whine Oh-Nine

2009-06-10T13:39:00.002-04:00

You may not remember this. Turns out I'm not getting married to anyone, including myself.

While I kicked it up a notch at the gym, I didn't reach my goal, yet somehow managed to purchase a Le Creuset dutch over sometime in March. Don't ask. I extended my deadline through August and started a bootcamp class at my gym last week. Two days a week, one hour, 5.45 am. AWESOME! Right, in addition to doing something at the gym or outside every day but Sunday. I've actually been able to do it, and have been rewarded by gaining a pound. And being rendered a paraplegic.

Yesterday morning, we did stripper squats. Like 10,000. Naturally, I was quite good at them. What I'm not quite good at now is sitting up in bed, walking, leaning over, bending, driving, breathing, getting out of a chair, living. FUCK! That shit hurts! DOMS is kicking my ass. How am I supposed to run tonight so that I don't suck ass even worse tomorrow morning? F U vicious cycle! I will prevail. It's only six weeks. I can do anything for six weeks, especially if it involves not getting a hair cut, washing my car, or paying bills.

Also, how many ibuprofen is too much? Are too much. I think i just got my answer.

Bath time!

Zack Harrison Memorial Music Monday: The Hangover Edition

2009-06-08T14:40:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been super pissed at your boyfriend on a Friday night, slammed your bedroom door all pouty like a five year old, popped in Religulous, opened a bottle of shiraz, called your friend sobbing, made midnight pasta, got on Facebook and made nonsensical comments, spilled said pasta all over your 600 threadcount sheets (that your boyfriend doesn't appreciate anyway) and woke up to a text message from your mother asking what's going on? No? Just me? Ok.

Seriously, dudes. It was bad. I woke up in a panic and surveyed the Facebook damage. Don't they have one of those applications that make you do simple math to log on? Yes, I would probably never log on. Good one. On the up side, I totally forgot why I was pissed at said boyfriend.

In a related story, I saw The Hangover Saturday night. I would highly recommend it. Anyone who knows me (all three of you) know that I've been on Team Galifianakis for some time now. Like years and years and years. So now he's all famous and shit. Good for him. Before he goes off the same deep end as Will Ferrell, check out Between Two Ferns. There are lots more at funnyordie.com.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

And now for the music portion. This may come as a shock, but I think the Bee Gees are kickass. Just not when they perform their own work. Behold, awesome Bee Gees covers:

(Love You) Inside and Out - Feist

Emotion - Destiny's Child

How Can You Mend A Broken Heart - Al Green

We Trying To Stay Alive - Wyclef

I Can't See Nobody - Nine Simone

iWant

2009-06-02T12:33:00.002-04:00

check it: (click so you can see better unless you have fighter pilot vision, like me.)

too bad it's so expensive and i'm so poor, otherwise, match made in oklahoma!

Zack Harrison Memorial Music Monday: Shitty Music Edition

2009-06-01T12:21:00.002-04:00

Instead of perpetrating my trademark awesome taste in music, I think, instead, we should take a look the really shitty stuff out there and be thankful iPods have made the radio obsolete.

For your listening pleasure:

Lullaby - Shawn Millins

Follow Me - Uncle Kracker

Higher - Creed

We Built This City - Starship

Your Body Is A Wonderland - John Mayer

Breakfast At Tiffany's - Deep Blue Something

I mean, there are way more, of course. But I think this is a solid start. So, don't listen to these. Do listen to everything else I've told you.

Sunday.

2009-05-31T11:33:00.001-04:00

Just putzing around, waiting for something good to happen.

Rocking the Tulsa metro.

2009-05-29T15:55:00.002-04:00

Last night, I saw my first Ben Folds show. However, this was not the first time I've seen Mr. Folds in person. One summer, I was walking down some street in Newport, RI after having stuffed my face with an $18, albeit delicious, lobster roll* and literally bumped into him. I was too star struck to make the best of it. I'm still made fun of it to this day. Along with many other, unrelated things.

Right, so, in ninth grade, I used to stay up late listening to 95X making recordings from the radio of cool songs that I thought everyone else should know (not a lot has changed). There were three that they only played past midnight for a long time. I have no idea why. One was "Santeria". One was 'This Lonely Place' (Goldfinger) and the other was "The Battle Of Who Could Care Less". Dang, I loved that song. Wore that tape out! I bought Whatever and Ever Amen and can sing the whole thing start to finish including all of the instrumental parts. I'm that awesome. I have most of his other stuff too, but get kind of lost toward the recent years (I'd forgotten so many songs last night, but there they are on iTunes ready for new rotation). He's this odd hybrid of Burt Bacharach and Elton John except he doesn't suck.

I went with Lacey. It's her fifth show. I think. But, there was a guy, Ben said, who'd made it to 60 shows, so he asked him what song he'd like to hear. I said/shouted to Lacey, "Steven's Last Night In Town"! And guess what? That's what the dude said too! Ben sat at the piano and promised he'd try, but would probably fuck it up. And he did. But it was good. The last bit of the song features a frenzied drum bit, which Ben played, leaping up to the drum kit and really going to town.

I know there are a lot of naysayers (please don't judge him by the terrible ubiquitousness of "Brick"), but it was a pretty rad show. There's something great about standing with your fellow dorks screaming lyrics in harmony. And there's something about talented musicians. Wathing live music really restores my faith in true creativity and superhuman talent. However mainstream he is now, I think part of my interest in current, non top 40 music (prior to this I listened to parent mandated classical, Beatles and KOMA, the local oldies station) is due to him and late night airings of "The Battle Of Who Could Care Less".

Take a listen (these are all I could find):

Kate

Army

You Don't Know Me

Highly recommended:

Don't Change Your Plans For Me
Steven's Last Night In Town
Landed
Underground
Annie Waits
Zak and Sara
Narcolepsy
Song For The Dumped
Still Fighting It
Magic

*I miss you, seafood. I really, really do.

When will I ever learn?

2009-05-27T16:39:00.005-04:00

Probably never.

I have little to negative willpower. Unless you count forcing myself to sit through a Jon & Kate Plus 8 marathon, followed by The Real Housewives of New Bubbies, topped off by 12 new epidoes of TrueLife on MTV. In that case, I am the fucking willpower champion. But usually, I don't know my limits. It's always, one more, I'll just have one more. And then another after that. And then, well. Needless to say it's not pretty. Basically, I need help. If I have it anywhere around me, I'll mindlessly partake. Work. Home. Driving. Anything. And the consequences are always disastrous. What did Einstein say? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result? Well, kids, surprise! I'm nuts.

Listen to your Auntie Blythe. JUST SAY NO!

No matter how good you think these colon bombs are, please, limit yourself. Turns out your body cannot actually handle 150 grams of fiber in one sitting. If you are going to hit it, though, oats and chocolate is by far the best flavor. I just hope you have a private bathroom at work or a sphincter of steel.

Too much?

Fun Fact of the Day

2009-05-26T09:46:00.003-04:00

Did you know that Bobcat Goldthwait turns 47 today? I could've sworn he was at least fifty something by now. In any case, happy birthday Bob! Cat.

Zach Harrison Memorial Music Monday: Summer Jam Edition

2009-05-25T08:37:00.000-04:00

Is Passion Pit's "The Reeling" the Summer Jam of 09?

Sundays are for Cracker Barrel

2009-05-24T13:26:00.003-04:00

When you venture out on a weekend morning, I suggest you steer (literally) clear of any Cracker Barrels* in your area. They are dangerous places of death and destruction and I'm not just talking about cholesterol and race relations. The speed limit might say 40, but sure as shit every oldie wheeling their obsolete Buick into the parking lot will be racing along at 5, maybe 7. BEWARE.

*I will never ever, even under duress, admit to immensely enjoying the hashbrown casserole. NEVER!

Note To Self:

2009-05-23T13:32:00.000-04:00

When erasing all evidence of your now nearly forgotten ex-boyfriend from your life, do not forget to also minimize Facebook newsfeeds from his family. Nothing like a fresh photo of your dog and his new family.

In which I am attracted to my own armpits.

2009-05-19T23:59:00.002-04:00

As you ~~may or may not~~ absolutely did not read, I have fallen prey to a little marketing scam called clinical deodorant. Basically, the shit's pit crack. It's getting all warm in the OKC and that means sleeveless shirts, outdoor activities, and night sweats. I guess the last one isn't really related to the weather as much as my effed up subconscious* so that means added layers of pit protection has become necessary. Also, sometimes I go to the gym. I ran out of the stuff this weekend and thought, well, I'll save myself $7 (beer!) and roll on the old regular standby. WRONG! Thanks Secret, for literally making me chemically dependent upon your super overpriced product. I ponied up the dough for a new stick tonight after work, but they were out of my normal scent! I picked up the sport version, with fresh marathon scent. Fresh marathon makes me think of vomit, bleeding nipples, and gatorade shit, but ok. I'll try it. I rolled it on as soon as I got home because I'm an addict and BAM! I smelled like a dude. And I like that smell. I keep liking that smell. I lifted my arm to stir the mushrooms for dinner tonight and bang! Who's that? Oh, it's me. Hey me...

*For real, the other night, I had a dream about developing an Astral Weeks era Van Morrison lyric generator. There was one column of colors, one of fruits and one of bodies of water. Tell me you don't think "springs of viridian plums" couldn't fit.

Semi-Nude Pictures of My Friends Playing Twister

2009-05-13T12:46:00.004-04:00

If you're from Oklahoma, and I am, there's only one legitimate kind of twister*. And it involves these people (who are neither my friends, nor semi-nude), not the classic game that I wish I'd invented because, basically, it's a plastic sheet with brightly colored dots all over it and now someone's super effing rich. Really? I couldn't think of that?

*I pray to Bob Stoops that no such photos exist.

Zack Harrison Memorial Music Monday: Back in the Saddle Again Edition

2009-05-11T12:04:00.003-04:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Pandora rocks my socks off. And other things too. I'm not great at managing Pandora, it kind of reminds me of those thingies, Tamagotchie? Remember? Anyway, my Tamagotchie died and my Pandora doesn't fare much better. I sometimes tell it songs I don't like, and more rarely tell it to remember songs I do. Right, so, I hit next a lot. But, these are the Blythe approved Pandora provided songs as of late:

Falling Into Space - Don Dilego (surely, this was on Scrubs)

November - Azure Ray (only listen to this if you are a 13 year old girl cueing up music to listen to while you scribble away in your diary)

Once Around The Block - Badly Drawn Boy (I forget about this guy 99% of the time)

In Transit - Albert Hammond Jr. (Infectious. Jerk.)

Kiss The Sky - Shawn Lee's Ping Pong Orchestra (What? Weird.)

How The Story Goes - The Redwalls (Did anyone read those Brian Jacques books?)

Coming Home - The 88 (I like really terrible music sometimes.)

The Ballad of the Dead Rat - The Teeth (I just like all of those words forming a band and song name.)

Until the Morning - Thievery Corporation (Old standby.)

Face It - Old Canes (Note to self, learn more about Old Canes.)

A Little More Time - Zox (This is all time number one Pandora song stuck in my head. I have no idea why.)

Since I Fell For You - Nina Simone (I collect all versions of this song.)

Ice Cream - New Young Pony Club (Lady rap!)

hope you at least bought your mom a card, if applicable

2009-05-10T11:33:00.001-04:00

Sadcakes

2009-05-07T13:17:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, the fam got some not so good news about my g-pa. Because my parents were young when I was born (24!) and their parents were even younger, we have collectively avoided the parental mortality issue. Hell, I have a great grandma still kickin' it at 87 or so. That's how we do in the OK. Right so, the news is not good. It's not entirely surprising, but still sobering.

Yesterday, I drove my brother to the ol' homestead from the hospital where the testing was conducted and rummaged around my old room for forgotten treasures. I like to do this once in a while when I get a serious urge to shop, so I shop for my own stuff! Pure genius, I know. I opened my closet to see what booty was held within, but instead of finding an awesome pair of shoes from college or cds that've been missing for five years, I found lots of small boxes mailed from said g-pa to my dad.

I opened several (they'd already been opened and they were in my closet, so it was justified snoopage) and discovered that my g-pa has been sending my dad trinket upon trinket from Dad's childhood for the last few months. One contained an engraved pocket knife given to my dad God knows when. Another contained the yellow stuffed bear Dad carried around for years, completely intact, preserved in a Ziploc bag, accompanied by a note detailing its origins. There's a jar of marbles and a box of old metal Tonka trucks. A neatly folded eagle scout kerchief. Recordings of poems written and read by G-pa's dad. Cards, books with inscriptions, handwritten notes, receipts with stories of their inception, photos with names and dates scrawled across the back.

These tangible things. The crumbling stuffed bear, weathered photos, withered papers. My memories are still somewhat tactile, but my brother, seven years younger - what's he left with? A flash drive? MP3 player? Screenshots of emails sent? Digital photos lost in the throes of Facebook? A NintendoDS? I'll preoccupy myself with the larger implications of technology outpacing our hearts instead of the physical evidence of a great mind recognizing its impending limitations.