Alfonso the Code Warrior

2006-12-19T17:20:00.000-08:00

Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?

A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request service number 39,712. Please use this number for any future references to this light-bulb issue.

2006-12-18T17:51:00.000-08:00

Pessimist: The glass is half-empty.

Optimist: The glass is half-full.

Engineer: The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

2006-12-16T17:14:00.000-08:00

Coming soon: "WhoCarez", the world's first
Taoist programming language! See for yourself:
DO WHILE YOU FEEL IT'S WORTHWHILE
ADD X TO Y
OR
SUBTRACT X FROM Y
OR
WHATEVER
CALL DisregardResults
CALL ItIsn'tImportantAnyway
CALL PonderUniversalTruths
ASSIGN CosmicBalance = YES
OR
PERHAPS NOT
END DO (UNLESS YOU DON'T WANT TO)

(originally from here)

2006-12-14T17:53:00.000-08:00

If you had a Klingon coder working on your team (but wait, there's more...):

"This code is a piece of crap! You have no honor!"
"A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code!"
"By filing this bug you have questioned my family honor. Prepare to die!"
"You question the worthiness of my Code?! I should kill you where you stand!"
"Our competitors are without honor!"
"Specs are for the weak and timid!"
"This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"
"Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! I say we ship it!"
"My program has just dumped Stova Core!"
"Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!"

But I disagree. Klingons prefer hand-to-hand combat to Phasers. You just know that they'd want to use a Z80 for real-time image processing.

So here is my list of things you might hear from the Klingon in the cube next to yours. (see original page).

"I have challenged the entire ISO-9000 review team to a round of Bat-Leth practice on the holodeck. They will not concern us again."
"C++? That is for children. A Klingon Warrior uses only machine code, keyed in on the front panel switches in raw binary."
"Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Bugs are good for building character in the user."
"Defensive programming? Never! Klingon programs are always on the offense. Yes, Offensive programming is what we do best."
"Klingon programs don't do accountancy. For that, you need a Farengi programmer."
"Klingon multitasking systems do not support "time-sharing". When a Klingon program wants to run, it challenges the scheduler in hand-to-hand combat and owns the machine."
"Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."
"You humans call this thing a 'cursor' and you move it with 'mouse'! Bah! A Klingon would not use such a device. We have a Karaghht-Gnot - which is best translated as "An Aiming Daggar of 16x16 pixels" and we move it using a Gshnarrrf which is a creature from the Klingon homeworld which posesses just one, (disproportionately large) testicle...which it rubs along the ground.....uh do we really need to talk about this?"
"I am without honor...my children are without honor... My father coded at the Battle of Kittimer...and...and...he...
HE ALLOWED HIMSELF TO BE MICROMANAGED."
"Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes'. Typically leaving a trail of wounded programmers in it's wake."
"Microsoft is actually a secret Farengi-Klingon alliance designed to cripple the Federation. The Farengi are doing the marketing and the Klingons are writing the code."
"Klingons do not believe in indentation - except perhaps in the skulls of their program managers."
"You can't truly appreciate Dilbert unless you read it in the original Klingon."

2006-12-13T17:48:00.000-08:00

All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.

2006-12-13T17:47:00.000-08:00

Unix is user friendly. It's just very particular about who it's friends are.

2006-12-13T17:45:00.000-08:00

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"

The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

How To Identify Where A Driver Is From

2006-12-11T17:17:00.000-08:00

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A.

With joint in mouth/brushing dreadlocks out of eyes: San Francisco/Humbolt.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in New York.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida

Why did the multi-threaded chicken cross the road?

2006-12-10T23:55:00.000-08:00

Why did the multi-threaded chicken cross the road?

to To other side. get the

2006-12-05T17:06:00.000-08:00

Rule for software developers. Never stand over the shoulder of a beta tester. Once, I was watching Jane test the latest version of our software. When a message appeared on the screen, "Press any key to continue", Jane pressed the letter 'j'.
I thought I was going to have heart failure.

"JANE!" I screamed, "Why did you press J?!!?"

"It said any key."

"Yeah, but....when programmers say any key, they mean the space bar!"

At which point my fellow programmer looked at me and said, "We do? I thought we meant enter."

Originally From: BEN BUTLER

2006-11-29T17:28:00.000-08:00

Proper Diskette Care and Usage

(1) Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

(2) Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

(3) Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.

(4) Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

(5) Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.

(6) Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.

(7) If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigourously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

(8) Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

(9) Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.....

(10) You can keep your data fresh by storing disks in the vegetable compartment of your refrigerator. Disks may be frozen, but remember to un thaw by microwaving or briefly immersing in boiling water.

(11) "Little" diskettes must be removed from their box prior to use. These containers are childproof to prevent tampering by unknowledgeable youngsters.

(12) You can recover data from a damaged disk by using the DOS command: FORMAT /U or alternatively by scratching new sector marks on the disk with a nail file.

(13) Diskettes become "hard" with age. It's important to back up your "hard" disks before they become too brittle to use.

(14) Make sure you label your data. Staples are a good way to permanently affix labels to your disks.

Theory and Practice

2006-11-28T17:16:00.000-08:00

Theory is when you think you know something but it doesn't work.
Practice is when something works but you don't know why.
Usually we combine theory and practice: nothing works and we don't know why.

-----

In theory, theory and practice are the same.
But that's in theory, not in practice.

2006-11-14T17:22:00.000-08:00

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Computer Science degree asks, "How is it that it works at all?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Writing Unmaintainable Code

2006-11-12T17:31:00.000-08:00

Introduction

Never ascribe to malice, that which can be explained by incompetence.
- Napoleon

In the interests of creating employment opportunities in the Java programming field, I am passing on these tips from the masters on how to write code that is so difficult to maintain, that the people who come after you will take years to make even the simplest changes. Further, if you follow all these rules religiously, you will even guarantee yourself a lifetime of employment, since no one but you has a hope in hell of maintaining the code. Then again, if you followed all these rules religiously, even you wouldn't be able to maintain the code!

You don't want to overdo this. Your code should not look hopelessly unmaintainable, just be that way. Otherwise it stands the risk of being rewritten or refactored.

General Principles

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur.
- Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.

To foil the maintenance programmer, you have to understand how he thinks. He has your giant program. He has no time to read it all, much less understand it. He wants to rapidly find the place to make his change, make it and get out and have no unexpected side effects from the change.

He views your code through a toilet paper tube. He can only see a tiny piece of your program at a time. You want to make sure he can never get at the big picture from doing that. You want to make it as hard as possible for him to find the code he is looking for. But even more important, you want to make it as awkward as possible for him to safely ignore anything.

Programmers are lulled into complacency by conventions. By every once in a while, by subtly violating convention, you force him to read every line of your code with a magnifying glass.

You might get the idea that every language feature makes code unmaintainable -- not so, only if properly misused.

Naming

"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less."
- Lewis Carroll -- Through the Looking Glass, Chapter 6

Much of the skill in writing unmaintainable code is the art of naming variables and methods. They don't matter at all to the compiler. That gives you huge latitude to use them to befuddle the maintenance programmer.

New Uses For Names For Baby

adsf

aoeu

Single Letter Variable Names

Creative Miss-spelling

tory

tori

Be Abstract

everything

data

handle

stuff

routine

perform

routineX48

PerformDataFunction

DoIt

HandleStuff

do_args_method

A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.S.

Thesaurus Surrogatisation

display

show

present

print

information hiding

Use Plural Forms From Other Languages

Klingon

Hobbitese

CapiTaliSaTion

ComputeRasterHistoGram()

Reuse Names

Åccented Letters

typedef struct { int i; } ínt;

Exploit Compiler Name Length Limits

var_unit_update()

var_unit_setup()

var_unit

Underscore, a Friend Indeed

Mix Languages

Extended ASCII

Names From Other Languages

punkt

point

Names From Mathematics

Bedazzling Names

Rename and Reuse

When To Use i

Conventions Schmentions

Sun Java Coding Conventions

both

inputFilename

inputfileName

Lower Case l Looks a Lot Like the Digit 1

Reuse of Global Names as Private

Recycling Revisited

Recycle Your Variables

Cd wrttn wtht vwls s mch trsr

colour

color

kulerz

Misleading names

isValid(x)

m_

o_apple obj_apple

Hungarian Notation

Seek out and use Hungarian warts that have meaning in languages other than your current language. For example insist on the PowerBuilder "l_" and "a_ " {local and argument} scoping prefixes and always use the VB-esque style of having a Hungarian wart for every control type when coding to C++. Try to stay ignorant of the fact that megs of plainly visible MFC source code does not use Hungarian warts for control types.

Always violate the Hungarian principle that the most commonly used variables should carry the least extra information around with them. Achieve this end through the techniques outlined above and by insisting that each class type have a custom wart prefix. Never allow anyone to remind you that no wart tells you that something is a class. The importance of this rule cannot be overstated if you fail to adhere to its principles the source code may become flooded with shorter variable names that have a higher vowel/consonant ratio. In the worst case scenario this can lead to a full collapse of obfuscation and the spontaneous reappearance of English Notation in code!

Flagrantly violate the Hungarian-esque concept that function parameters and other high visibility symbols must be given meaningful names, but that Hungarian type warts all by themselves make excellent temporary variable names.

Insist on carrying outright orthogonal information in your Hungarian warts. Consider this real world example "a_crszkvc30LastNameCol". It took a team of maintenance engineers nearly 3 days to figure out that this whopper variable name described a const, reference, function argument that was holding information from a database column of type Varchar[30] named "LastName" which was part of the table's primary key. When properly combined with the principle that "all variables should be public" this technique has the power to render thousands of lines of source code obsolete instantly!

Use to your advantage the principle that the human brain can only hold 7 pieces of information concurrently. For example code written to the above standard has the following properties:

a single assignment statement carries 14 pieces of type and name information.
a single function call that passes three parameters and assigns a result carries 29 pieces of type and name information.
Seek to improve this excellent, but far too concise, standard. Impress management and coworkers by recommending a 5 letter day of the week prefix to help isolate code written on 'Monam' and 'FriPM'.
It is easy to overwhelm the short term memory with even a moderately complex nesting structure, especially when the maintenance programmer can't see the start and end of each block on screen simultaneously.

Hungarian Notation Revisited

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

Obscure film references

LancelotsFavouriteColour

blue

Lightbulb Jokes - Computers

2006-11-08T17:32:00.000-08:00

How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?: 33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.
How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?: We don't know yet. They're still waiting on a part.
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?: None. "We'll fix it in software."
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We'll document it in the manual."
None. It's a hardware problem.
One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.
It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working.
The change is 90% complete.
We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?
Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer we have who can get the software ready to ship to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.
Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.
How many real programmers does it take to change a light bulb?: None. Real programmers prefer LEDs.
How many C programmers does it take to change a light bulb?: None, they forgot to declare it first
How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?: 24 hours - 3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries.
How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?: Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.
How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a light bulb?: 1.00000000001
How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?: 10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10
How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?: One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his light-bulb in their socket.
How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?: False.
How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
Notes: LISP is a recursive programming language. One problem LISP programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion. (cf computer dictionary entry: recursion - see recursion) These lisp heads are usually research AI types and their standard answer is as in the punchline. It could be improved:
(((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find (out))...
How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?: None. "The user can work it out."
How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark.
Two. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem.
How long will it take?: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.
What if you have two dead bulbs?: They replace your fuse box.
How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb?: None, they just keep everyone out of the room.
How many IBM engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?: None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.
How many IBM PC owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first.
How many IBM tech writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?: None. They just define darkness as an industry standard.
How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
One - but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.
Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
How many MS tech supports does it take to change a light bulb?: "The light bulb doesn't work? You must be using a non-standard socket."
How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.
How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?: 472. One to write WinGetLight BulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLight Bulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?: One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?: None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.
How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?: Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.
How many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb?: Only one, but why bother? Your light socket will just be obsolete in six months anyway.
How many Mac owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - there's no documentation available, so you have to wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.
Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the old sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.
Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new one.
Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb changing method.
Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.
How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a light bulb?: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.
How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
One, but first he has to determine the correct path.
How many Unix programmers does it take to change a light bulb?: Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2>" he'll mash both the live and dead bulbs into the same socket at once.
How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?: Read the man page!
How many Unix system vendors does it take to change a light bulb?: None. All of the light bulbs you have are 'standard variants' and as such won't fit your particular implementation of the socket. (However you do have the source code for your socket, so .....)
How many VMS heads does it take to change a light bulb?: All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell you that the only light bulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but you can use any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC.

Taken from the full collection of Lightbulb Jokes of marcush@crc.ricoh.com

Tech Support Pricing

2006-11-06T17:43:00.000-08:00

An excellent list of tech support pricing:

http://www.contrib.andrew.cmu.edu/~moose/sysadmin/pricelist.html

2006-11-04T17:48:00.000-08:00

From the MFC source:

// according to the Win98 docs, this should be 1

// according to the WinNT docs, this should be 2

// they are both wrong!

Engineers vs. Executives

2006-10-26T11:25:00.000-07:00

Engineers vs. Executives

Theorem: Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives.
Proof Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows, Power = Work/Time.
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we get;
Knowledge = Work/Money
Solving for money, we find

Money = Work/Knowledge

The greater your knowledge, the more work you have to do for your money. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.*

* Thanks to various contributors for correcting dodgy algebra that had ensured the humour of this gag tended toward zero.

2006-10-25T22:29:00.000-07:00

Got to love mac, configurable BSODs:

http://osxbook.com/book/bonus/chapter5/panic/

2006-10-24T20:47:00.000-07:00

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "This thing is a freak'n maintenance nightmare - I'm going to rebuilt it from scratch - I'm TIRED of it, I don't care if the project manager says we're already late."

Insufficient Memory

2006-10-23T20:04:00.000-07:00

http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts/generic/65a0/

Top 16 Programmer Pranks

2006-10-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

16 Using their e-mail address, post a request for penpals to the alt.prison.bodypiercing newsgroup.

15 Three words: electric mouse buzzer.

14 Assign them to the new “Heaven’s Gate” project.

13 “Look, Bill Gates!! Ha! Made ya look!”

12 Put them in the same room with a member of the opposite sex.

11 “Have you got Prince Albert in a LAN?”

10 Tell them that “everyone knows Star Trek transporter technology is bogus.”

9 10 GOTO 10

7 Swap their monitor for a large cardboard box with handpuppets. Watch the fur fly!

6 Announce that annual raises will be based on a subjective test of one’s ability to “schmooze the way the butt-kissers in Marketing do.”

8 Intercept their daily Top 10 List, then remove #8 and re-insert it between #5 and #6.

5 Pretend to “discover” a Fox TV Web site with a now-out-of-date win a weekend with Gillian Anderson of X-Files contest.

4 Every hour, on the hour, forward them a warning about the “Good Times” virus.

3 Call her up and ask if her program is running, and when she says “yes,” tell her “Well you better go catch it!”

2 Replace all the Jolt in the soda machine with Perrier and V8. and the Number 1 April Fool’s Day Prank to Pull on Programmers…

1 Special announcement: “Forget Java — Starting immediately, all coding will be done in COBOL.”

Computer Genesis

2006-10-10T14:51:00.000-07:00

Computer Genesis

1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.

2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.

5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

6. And God said -I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Centre; And God showed the Programmer the Catalogue Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.

8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.

10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs ?

11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your
mouse.

13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could replace it.

14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.

15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you that you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !

16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.

17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.

18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

19. And God threw them out of the Data Centre and locked the door and secured it with a password.

20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

2006-10-09T23:33:00.000-07:00

Why we need reviews.:-)

In an ancient monastery in a far away place, a new monk arrived to join his brothers in copying books and scrolls in the monastery's scriptorium. He was assigned as a rubricate on copies of books that had already been copied by hand.

One day, while working on the monks' Book of Vows, he asks old Father Florian, the Armarius of the Scriptorium, 'Does not the copying by hand of other copies allow for chances of error? How do we know we are not copying the mistakes of someone else? Are they ever checked against the original?'

Fr. Florian was set back a bit by the obvious logical observation of this youthful monk. 'A very good point, my son. I will take one of the latest copies of the Book of Vows down to the vault and compare it against the original.' Fr. Florian went down to the secured vault and began his verification.

A day passed and the monks began to worry and went down looking for the old priest. They were sure something may have happened. As they approached the vault they heard sobbing and wailing... they opened the door and found Fr. Florian crying over the new copy and the original, ancient Book of Vows, both opened before him on the table. It was obvious to all that the poor man had been crying his old heart out for a long time.

'What is the problem, Reverend Father???' asked one of the monks.

'Oh, my Lord,' sobbed the priest, 'The word is 'CELEBRATE'!!!'

And this is why we need reviews.

2006-10-09T23:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Valued Employee:

Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation
time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware,
employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay
in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for
every 5 years of service.

Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office
and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of
$8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for
the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,

Automated Payroll Processing