Stuff

Sleeping with Ward Cleaver Book Trailer

2008-06-30T12:07:00.001-07:00

Clicking here should allow you to view the trailer on your player.

Savannah

2008-06-10T05:17:00.000-07:00

EE Pics

2008-05-06T08:47:00.001-07:00

2008-01-10T08:19:00.000-08:00

What's here

2007-10-08T08:14:00.000-07:00

Most of this is stuff related to other stuff on Evil Editor's main blog.

The Miss Pettipants information was used by readers to help in writing mysteries involving Miss P.

The ten queries were submitted to Miss Snark for a limited-number crapometer, didn't make the cut, and the authors decided to settle for EE.

Voice 2

2007-07-13T05:11:00.000-07:00

Voice

2007-07-12T06:25:00.000-07:00

I went into the Golden Dragon fast-food restaurant for lunch one afternoon. After I got my food, I noticed that every table was occupied, but it’s a pretty casual place, so I walked up to this woman who had long, curly blond hair, and asked her if she minded if I joined her. She didn’t mind. I saw that she had some textbooks, so I asked if she was through with her classes for the day. She was. She asked what I was eating. I was eating mixed vegetables and fried rice. I had the December 6th issue of Time with me, and it was open to the review of a Woody Allen movie called Sweet Lowdown. “I read that review,” she told me. “It sounds like it’s going to be a pretty cool movie.” “Do you like Woody Allen?” I asked her. She said that she did. “You wanna see this movie with me when it gets here?” She said that she would. I couldn’t believe it. I had never asked a woman out that fast, and she’d actually said yes! We didn’t even know each other’s names yet! She finished her lunch and stood up from the table. “I’m up town all the time,” she told me. Implying what? That I was supposed to just find her when the movie came out? “You could give me your phone number,” I suggested. She started to write her number right there in my magazine, on the same page as the movie review, but she stopped after the first three numbers. “No,” she said. “If I write down a number, you can’t be sure I didn’t make it up. You can’t be sure it isn’t the number of Domino’s Pizza.” “Why would you give me a fake number?” I asked her. “To avoid having to change my real number, when you start calling me at all hours of the night.” “Why would I do that?” “I . . . I don’t know.” She squinted at me and put her hands in her pockets and said, “What’s your name?” I told her my name, and she said, “Iz? Your name is Iz?” “It’s short for Ishmael,” I explained. “Iz,” she said, heading for the exit, “if we’re destined to see Sweet Lowdown together, you’ll find me.” She left the restaurant. I never even looked for her.

The Pettipants Mysteries

2006-12-07T20:00:00.000-08:00

In order to contribute to the legend of Miss Amelia Pettipants, you have two ways to go.

1. You may submit an opening to a mini-mystery. 150 to 400 words, please. Openings may be in any character's viewpoint, but must include the discovery of a dead body. Submit via email.

2. You may wait and submit the conclusion to another writer's opening. 100 - 300 words, please. Try to maintain the original author's style, and be sure the mystery is solved by Miss Pettipants. Submit as a comment to the opening.

Humor is desirable in both parts. You may submit continuations to your own opening, but if someone else submits a better one, that one gets published. Once I have a good conclusion, I'll remove the opening from the queue so that people can try other openings. The openings will be posted at Evil Editor's Openings. Check in often, new ones will come in regularly (We hope). Information about Miss Pettipants may be found in the posts below.

Map

2006-12-07T19:57:00.000-08:00

Miss Pettipants--Appearance

2006-12-07T16:30:00.000-08:00

Skinny.

Hat, always.

Cardigan sweater,

Skirt, always.

Hideous "sensible" shoes, but her stockings are all silk.

Gold-rimmed glasses on a chain hung around her neck.

Always carries a large "Queen Mum" purse from which she is wont to pull the most extraordinary items.

She has a cane, but doesn't really need it as she's quite nimble ("spry".)

She has gray hair streaked with just a hint of honey-blonde, and she wears it in a bun held in place with knitting needles, pencils, butter knives, or whatever she happens to have picked up that day.

Small and suspicious--but very blue--eyes

She's in her sixties, but looks younger.

Soft, sweet face.

When it rains her hair gets frizzy and she hates that.

She has beautiful features (that her nephew Niles inherited) that she easily transforms for her undercover operations (where she uses various wigs, hats, sunglasses... she even once wore a fake mustache).

She is fit and athletic (but she is flat chested), even though nobody really notices because her fashion sense isn't her strong suit; she dresses in shapeless clothes.

Miss Pettipants--Food

2006-12-07T16:29:00.000-08:00

She is very picky about her tea.

Not a good cook, though she thinks she is.

Everything she serves is remarkably flavored like pork.

She once burnt down three houses in a horrible failed attempt at creme brulee.

She has a terrible weakness for shortbread cookies, and sometimes her enemies try to use this to their advantage!

She knows exactly where to lunch, and has memorized the menu. However, she NEVER orders from it. All meals must be prepared to her specifications, and she tips EXACTLY fifteen percent.
She deplores teabags

She likes to bake muffins, and makes a killer apple pie (her gdma's recipe).

She believes in the benefits of a little cordial every day and doesn't mind spiking her coffee with rum every now and then.

Frozen iguana - tastes like chicken!

The scent of fresh bread and apple pies give her comfort.

While her tea is superb, her cookies and sandwiches are widely feared.

Miss Pettipants--Idiosyncracies

2006-12-07T16:24:00.000-08:00

Her hobby is creating bad garden mosaic sculptures.

She has a weakness for servicemen.

She can't abide children.

She does not own a cell phone, refuses to use a computer, has no need for the Internet, and is somewhat of a Luddite.

She knits, but only argyle socks.

Miss Amelia Pettipants drinks a glass of sherry every day at precisely 7:15 p.m.

She is an avid birdwatcher.

She abhors the use of "Ms."

She has any number of cats, but the most important one is a huge gray tabby named Thomas whom she consults on all questions of import.

Miss Pettipants--Jag

2006-12-07T16:20:00.000-08:00

In her garage she has a perfectly restored, immaculately maintained Jaguar. She'll drive it if she absolutely has to drive, but she prefers to walk or take taxis.

She drives her Jag rarely and poorly.

It was her sainted father's car and is maintained in a state of perfection by by Niles.

It's an antique. Priceless, runs like a sewing machine (the old kind, without all those attachments).

Her Jag is an older XJL - the post-it note yellow is called "primrose" by the Jaguar folks.

Miss Amelia chose the hue so that people could not miss it: if there is any problem on the road, the fault lies on their heads not hers -- they should have seen her coming.

The locals deal with this. Out-of-towers drive at their own risk in Boring-on-End in any case, since the town has a thriving speed-trap industry (fines support the library).

Miss Pettipants--Little-Known Facts

2006-12-07T16:15:00.000-08:00

She was proposed to three times and turned down two--the third suitor was murdered before they made it to the altar.

She lives alone, but there is a rumor among her extended family that she has millions buried somewhere in the garden, so she is often put upon to lodge smarming, scheming relatives--including hunky Niles.

Although she doesn't swim any more, she was once on the school swim team and was pretty good.

The teenagers of Boring-on-End are terrified she'll come in to substitute teach them again.

She had a love who was lost on Flanders Field.

She's been a nun, a rope dancer, a RePo woman, a paleontologist, a DJ, a crossword writer and more.

Miss Amelia Pettipants has a "thing" against the Red Hat Society. Mostly because her rival, Mrs. Azalea Owlsby, got the jump on her and started the local chapter first. Miss Amelia Pettipants thus refuses to wear red or purple, and once contemplated getting a spray on fake tan and dying her hair red just to flout the matrons and their red hats.

A stint with British intelligence service (and the CIA, too) means she has a few strings to pull.

She uses knitting as a cover sometimes, to look like she's just harmlessly sitting there in the park minding her own business. She has a single project that she hauls around in a nice tapestry bag for this purpose. It's not at all clear just what this knitting project is supposed to be, and it's badly stitched, anyway.

Her favorite sherry is Portuguese, and she became very cross when the local shop would only carry Spanish brands.

She has been known to refer to the local gardening society - of which her rival is president - as the whores de culture.

Miss Pettipants--Suspects/Victims

2006-12-07T13:36:00.000-08:00

She has a hunky nephew named Niles who is the object of desire for all the single girls in Boring-on-End.

Her rival, the snooty Mrs. Azalea Owlsby, whose prize-winning petunias are Miss Pettipants' only competition at the annual fair!

one idiot (Jeremy Owlsby, Azalea's greatest disappointment)

She has a particular loathing for the Parsley twins, two annoying precocious six-year-olds who belong to her next door neighbors.

Vicar, Vicar's Wife, Old Colonel, Young Things, Chars, housemaids & parlourmaids, as well as an amateur Rugby Team, a deadly-rivals Garden Club, a Cooking Club and a Book Club.

the Vicar of St. Marty's at Boring-on-End

Percy Cashdollar, a bachelor in the neighboring village of Heathery Heights

a local constable named Tom Hardbottom.

a coroner/ME. He is Horace FitzNelson

Jefferson Davis Coatesworth-Hayes, a cop who just turned thirty years-old yesterday

The teahouse is operated by two lovely gay men who have taken the names of Timmy and Wesley after their idols in life. The Pub is run by two americans who have legally changed their names to Tom and John Collins.

A deputy constable named Fred. No last name, just Constable Fred.

Mrs. Perinilla Drew comes in to do the cooking and cleaning every day, while her husband, Bosworth, does most of the chores in the garden.

her niece, Elberta,

another nephew, Duncan

Lord Geoffrey Blatherstrop of Blatherstrop Manor

Blatherstrop's slightly eccentric but well-meaning wife, Drusilla Heatherington-Smythe Blatherstrop. She is a 'naturist'

Guests at the Bed & Breakfast

Mechanic

Librarian

Miss Pettipants--Boring-on-End

2006-12-07T12:02:00.000-08:00

There are at least two tiny churches in town.

Bake sales occur with alarming frequency and there is a constant simmering rivalry between congregations over the quality of church picnics.

Other small-town battlegrounds include the county fair, the local art show, wedding reception one-upmanship, and track and field day.

The annual best-lawn competition is cutthroat--often, literally.

Boring-On-End is ideally situated, close enough to real countryside or the big city to make either reachable in an hour or two. It gets relatively little traffic, but the single bed-and-breakfast does a booming business in housing out-of-towners, many of whom are murderers, will become murderers, or will soon be murdered. Somehow this has escaped notice and the only law enforcement in town is one sleepy constable and his eager, incompetant deputy--and Miss Pettipants, of course. Sometimes the Big City Police will interfere, but they often find the citizenry less than helpful.

Everyone (down to the little doll-clutching girl on the corner, whose big brother last week "accidentally" fell down the stairs and broke a leg) has a secret. Miss Amelia Pettipants has no greater ambition than to learn them all.

She treats the local museum curator as a personal friend, although the curator thinks she's a busybody and he won't let her into the storage area of the museum. This drives her batty - she really wants to know what's in that storage room. Perhaps an ancient mummy or an artifact with a secret compartment . . .

She is very detail oriented, and when her niece and nephew visit, she schedules them to within an inch of their lives. They MUST tour the local art galleries, wineries and farmer's markets at precisely the time she dictates, or she goes into a bit of a funk. If her nephew is ten minutes late for their morning hike, mild lectures ensue.

Boring-On-End features a lot of daub and wattle construction. All buildings are white with brown trim and brown roofs (upon which the shingles are laid in a distinctively wandering, non-parallel fashion, due to the village's one shingler being a doting customer of the town's one liquor store).

Original street cobbles still exist in some areas, and the town has only one traffic light. Back alley-ways are not paved or cobbled but are hard-packed, tan-coloured dust - all the better to soak up the blood with when those two neighbours with the long-standing property line argument finally get down to business.

Boring-On-End has some of England's pleasantest summers, with more sunshine than is usual in that part of the country and an annual flower festival that brings tourists from as far away as Ley-About-Boise and Canter-On-Bye. Winters tend to be damp and grey, but warm, with little snow.

Boring-on-End has all the usual charm of a cozy village: C of E church complete with Vicar & vicarage. Grocery store/post office, red phone booth (like the Tardis) mechanic shop, several tea shops serving cream teas, several public houses serving ploughman's and ale, and a library. The police station belongs to the 40th constabulary of the Home Office forces, the Dull County Constabulary, headed by a Chief Constable.

Boring-on-End conducts all the usual annual events: Fetes, Garden Parties, Flower Shows, Teas, Grand Dinners, etc. providing a multitude of venues for murder.

The town of Boring-on-End (pop. 708) lies in the heart of England's prosperous "Flax Belt", approximately central between the towns of St.-Agnes-the-Martyred-Virgin-by-the-Tor ("Agville"), Fowles-on-Pilgyrmage, and Snicketton.

* History *
Founded in 1546 by Sir Archibald Blunderbuss the Lesser, the town grew prosperous as a center of commerce for the surrounding regions. People migrated from miles around to work in flax buying, flax selling, flax processing, flax spinning, flax seed sorting, flax seed grading, flax seed oil production, and the "unseemly" businesses. The population quickly swelled to approximately 500 people, a number that remained fairly constant over the years. The only significant change to this level was in 1971, when the Standish-Hawthorn Bypass (locally known as "The Road") connected the city to Greater England and expanded its population to its present levels.

In 1576, construction began on St. Margaret's Church ("The Church"). Completeed in 1582, the seventy three foot 5 inch high steeple of the building was carefully calculated to exceed that of Agville's seventy three foot steeple. The Church held this record for approximately three months, during which time the people of Agville extended their steeple by doubling the size of the cross on top of it. Competitive expansions continued unchecked until 1596, when the extra weight of the topheavy steeple caused The Church's base to begin to bulge outward, allowing Agville's church to retain the record. The steeple height remains one hundred fourty two feet, eight inches, giving the church it's characteristic "lighthouse with a giant cross" appearance.

In 1721, a split within the church over whether or not it was appropriate to serve coffee for churchgoers led to the branching off of The Church's congregation and the construction of another church on the east side, named The Church of St. Margaret, Reformed. This church ("The Other Church") has nearly no steeple in order to set it apart from the original church, but is otherwise nearly identical. In 1986, an additional church ("The New Church") was built on the south side, near where The Road becomes Main Street.

For a brief period between 1791 and 1794, Boring-on-End became a gold mining mecca after the discovery of a large deposit underneath Blunderbuss Hill ("The Hill") by a relative newcomer, Alexander Pennycress. A surge of investment and spending created a local boom. For a few months in 1793, the largest import to the town was Safflower Yellow paint, used to give the Main Street storefronts a golden tint. Unfortunately for Boring-on-End, Mr. Pennycress was eventually uncovered as none other than Martin Goosedown, the infamous Lancaster scheister -- but not before he managed to sell over two dozen "mines" in which he had planted gold ore. Small sections of gold-painted storefronts still remain in town to this day.

* Geography and Events *
Boring-on-End is dominated by a small creek, officially named the Stony Falls Creek, but known locally as the "Rock River". A small narrows in the creek where the flow is accelerated just enough to white cap the ripples, known as the "Rock River Rapids", is legally off-limits to children, who try to wade across it without falling for entertainment. While no reports of injuries have ever been substantiated, attempts to better wall off the area often dominate city council proceedings.

The town forms a smoothed "heart" shape, diverted in the north by Blunderbuss Hill, the top of which is rumored to be an old Druid burial ground. As it cannot be traced back earlier, local parents in the 1930s are believed to have started the rumor that the druids from the hill hold the Rock River sacred, and will try to drown any children who walk across the "rapids". Curiously, the late 1930s corresponded with the rise of the banned River Walk Races as a formalized challenge among the youth.

Once every few years, enough snow accumulates on The Hill to allow for sledding -- a favored local sport. Due to its easily concealed rocky outcrops and unexpected dropoffs, half a dozen children are injured every snowy winter.

Every year from August 13th to August 18th, the town gathers together for Flax Days. Traffic on main street is diverted to accomodate the booths of flax and linen products. Fried, breaded foods are traditional. Competitions include Speed Spinning, the Winnow Challenge, and the Slippery Tug of War (played in a pile of flaxseed)

* Demographics *
Approximately 90% of Boring-on-End's residents can trace their ancestry back to 16th century Boring-on-End settlers. By the time of the arrival of The Road, a lack of migration in and out of the city had reduced the number of family names down to three: Cornwall, Blythe, and Pettipants. The arrival of The Road brought in seven new last names (bringing the total to ten): Crowley, Brown, Hogworth, Standish, Williamson, Avery, and Dansbury. However, Mrs. Avery recently had to up her heart medicine again, and the town is expected to soon be down to nine last names.

The town is currently at a perfectly 50/50 ratio of men to women, with 354 each. Again, should Mrs. Avery pass on, this ratio should no longer hold, but Donald and Debbie Dansbury are hopeful that their upcoming bundle of joy will fix the problem.

Boring-on-End is indeed a garden spot, but don't forget that infestation of Flemish sap-sucking caterpillars nine years ago that laid waste to any species of flower beginning with the letter "p". Miss Amelia narrowly averted her garden's destruction by only referring to her sweet peas by their Latin genus and species names of "Lathyrus odoratus". Her peonies, however, were toast as the Latin name also begins with a "p".

About A.P.'s cottage . . . one of the unusual things about it is that, although she lives alone, it's filled with wardrobes enough to furnish a much larger home. Their contents are the speculation among gossipy villagers, especially since A.P. is seen out and about in a limited rotation of severe Pendleton woolen garments. And, of course, the hats. Perhaps the village gossip about the wardrobes' contents began when Percy Cashdollar let slip that no one can belt a tune in her stilettos and spandex quite like Amelia, unless, of course you were to count him.

Lord Geoffrey Blatherstrop of Blatherstrop Manor hosts an annual winter ball at his house for the villagers. The ball is renowned for its music, its dancing, its excellent kidney pies, and its unusually high body count.

There is a not-so-secret society of reorganized Druids in Boring-on-End, led by Lord Geoffrey Blatherstrop's slightly eccentric but well-meaning wife, Drusilla Heatherington-Smythe Blatherstrop. She is a 'naturist' to the titillation of the younger set in the village and scandal for the servants. The druids gather in the ancient roman ruins (at the old hot spring on the manor grounds) and have parties in the dark of the moon, the waxing of the moon, the waning of the moon...but not the full moon, because the neighbors get quite the view on those nights.

Lottery Loser Queries

2006-09-05T15:55:00.000-07:00

Below are the query letters submitted by Losers in Miss Snark's Lottery.

Query 10

2006-09-04T09:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Evil Editor,

I am currently seeking representation and hoped my young adult novel might interest you. The Handcuff Kid [Coincidentally, that's what the ladies used to call Evil Editor back in my college days.] is the story of Jack Karr, juvenile delinquent extraordinaire, a foster kid whose one constant in life is his love and admiration of Harry Houdini.

Jack arrives at a new foster home only to discover that his foster father, a mad professor, has sold him into servitude in purgatory. Under the evil eye of the Amazing Mussini, Jack becomes a member of a traveling vaudeville act and, with a motley gang of kids, travels around purgatory entertaining the dead.

Having no thespian-like skills, Jack’s only act is to perform a few of the tricks of Houdini. All he wants [to do] is [to] get back to the land of the living, but the more dangerous the tricks he performs the more the dead like him, and Jack becomes the star of the show. [When you finally find your audience, and it's the dead, it's time to look for a better act.] In a daring escape attempt Jack risks his life to perform Houdini’s most perilous trick—the Chinese water torture cell.

The story stresses ingenuity and resilience—a little man-made magic in tough times—just [like] [as] Houdini did throughout his life.

Interspersed between the chapters are one-page bits on the life of Houdini and his tricks. [Cool. Though possibly more cool to a middle-grader than a YA, or am I wrong?] The novel tops out at 54,000 words. Thanks for your time.

Sincerely,

[This reads clearly and gives enough information. Not sure why the foster father is a mad professor; he sounds more evil than mad. If being trapped in purgatory is a tough sell you might consider putting the traveling vaudeville show somewhere in the mortal realm.]

Query 9

2006-09-04T07:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Evil Editor,

Country lass Adrastea has received a proposal of marriage from Mor-Lath, God of the Dark. That is not the sort of news she wishes to share with the whole village ere they condemn her as a witch. [I'd go with "lest" rather than "ere" there.] Those few she’s confided in--her family and the village priestess--advise her to turn down his proposal. [If you need to consult other people about whether to marry Mor-Lath, God of the Dark, you need to pull yourself together.]

But he won’t take no for an answer and steadily increases the pressure for her to accept. Only in the end does she agree in order to save her village from destruction. [Threatening to destroy your beloved's village almost always gets an engagement off to a rocky start.]

For all his godly wisdom and millennia of life-experience, the one thing Mor-Lath does not know is how to be a good husband. Their marriage starts to fail from day one: infidelity, secrets and abandonment. [What name does she go by? Adrastea-Lath, or Adrastea, Goddess of the Dark?]

Adrastea learns from the Gods of the Light the true reason behind Mor-Lath’s desire to marry; he is only a demigod. [So he was actually Mor-Lath, Demigod of the Dark.] Only together--male and female--can they become full gods, thus making him strong enough to defeat the Light in the final battle. [But they're already married. So it's too late, he's strong enough to defeat them.] [I find it hard to believe one God of the Dark can defeat all the Gods of the Light just because he married a country lass.]

Armed with this knowledge and power, she is faced with a dilemma: does she side with the God of the Dark or does she choose to defeat her husband even though it could mean her own destruction? [Good or evil. That is a dilemma.]

“Of The Dark” is a fantasy trilogy of three books, “Troth of the Dark,” “Bride of the Dark” and “House of the Dark”, each novel being 120,000 words. [Amazing coincidence.] [Based on these titles, they get married in book 2? 120,000 words of her deciding whether to marry Mor-Lath, followed by 120,000 words of her being married to Mor-Lath, followed by 120,000 words of trying to get out of being married to Mor-Lath (or taking over the world)?] The manuscripts are complete and ready to send to you should you wish to see more.

I’m a published writer of moderate repute. I’ve has [had] several short stories published in Somewhat Famous SF magazine and Kinda Famous magazine and have a career in freelance nonfiction.

Thank you for your consideration; I look forward to your reply.

Regards,

[I get the impression you're querying for the entire trilogy. This doesn't allow you to say much about any one part of it. No one's likely to ask you to send them a 360,000-word trilogy, so query the first novel, and tell them it's book 1 of a trilogy. Then you can work in more of the book 1 plot.]

Query 8

2006-09-03T17:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Evil Editor,

Please consider my 45,000 word young adult novel, Anla, which tells the story of a young Indian girl forced into bondage at a silk-making factory in order to pay her brother's debt.

Anla survives the unbearable conditions at the silk factory and escapes to the home of a nearby missionary. The missionary takes her in and eventually smuggles her out of India and into the United States. Soon Anla’s greatest desire is to become just like the other students at her high school.

When Anla is coerced into speaking before an international human rights committee, she is horrified to learn that their plan is simply to talk to the factory owners. [Not clear why she's horrified. Tell us what she thinks the committee should do.] She comes up with a dangerous scheme to return to India and save the children still trapped in the factory where she once worked. [If she's willing to do this much, why did she have to be coerced to speak to the committee?]

Although her plans fail, [You have room to give more info. Why does her plan fail?] and she returns to her home and school bitterly disappointed, Anla ultimately finds that her courage has inspired hundreds of people to join together to fight for the children she was unable to save. [Well, now I feel like I would if I watched Erin Brockovich, and she failed to win the case against Pacific Gas and Electric, but at the end of the movie they ran a crawl saying that two years later some other people took down the company. On the other hand, Karen Silkwood died before her nuclear plant folded. On the other hand, Julia Roberts won an Oscar as Brockovich, and Meryl Streep only got nominated as Silkwood. So if you want the Oscar, I suggest Anla come up with a plan that works.] [Does the reader find out whether the people she inspires actually succeed? If so, at least put that in the query, that the children were ultimately saved.]

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[More information about the book would be helpful. You have six sentences. Try to make it ten or twelve.]

Query 7

2006-09-03T13:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Evil Editor:

I thought I’d been everywhere and done everything. Then last week I was surfing the Internet, found Miss Snark, and there you were. So here I am. [How did Miss Snark let you get away?]

BOOK 1: SOULS & SEX is the first book that materializes our souls. [Ah, that's how.] Our souls are a major part of our physical world and knowing about them makes sex better. My soul is an active participant in my life.

BOOK 1 ends the four-century war between religion and science. [Finally. Who wins?] It addresses my trials and tribulations of becoming published, how the book industry is sabotaging itself [by not publishing my books], and other big thoughts from my average American work-boot wearing middle-class life.

I am a virgin author with a nonconforming book that cannot be easily classified. If you are interested in reading my entire 77,000-word creative nonfiction memoir/journal, I will happily give you exclusivity, and complete solitude, for six long-ass weeks.

Cheers likesa beers,

[Your book consists of thoughts you've had about stuff? And soul theories? It's going to be a hard sell. Look through the book and find the most interesting stuff (interesting to other people, not you) and work it into the query. Next eliminate what's already here. Then see what you have. It's sure to be better than this.] [At least naming the sequel won't be hard.]

Query 6

2006-09-03T10:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Editor,

I am seeking representation for my young adult fantasy novel, SPIRIT OF A PHOENIX, complete at 70,000 words.

Rangers are those that [who] protect the Wilderland and keep it safe for all the races to travel and live—they are revered and admired by all. In Haleva’s eyes, there is no greater honor than to be counted among their ranks. Even though she is among the most privileged of Eledhrin Elves, the path to becoming a ranger isn’t an easy one. She lacks the most basic magic gifts that are present in the youngest of her race, and because of that she is an outcast in her world, and her parents refuse to let her follow her dreams.

Haleva’s world is turned upside down when she discovers the real reason she has no magic—her parents took it from her at birth. [Feeling] Angry and [betrayed] [feeling alone], she joins a ranger group and runs away, [not necessarily in that order] throwing herself into achieving her dream of passing the training and earning a ranger’s badge.

What gives her confidence is a newfound love, the turning of enemies into allies, and the trust displayed by her fellow rangers. What nearly destroys her is her mother’s death, and the irony that the death returns her magic gifts to her. [At which point she quits the rangers and becomes a crime-fighting superhero.] Like the symbol of her family, the phoenix, Haleva must change and grow in order to survive. [I guess that's okay, though I think of a phoenix as starting a new life. For change and grow, maybe you could make the family symbol Alien.]

I look forward to hearing from you[, and any suggestions you may have for improvement.] Thank you for your time.

Sincerley, [sp.]

[Haven't seen the book, of course, but it sounds more like middle grade than young adult.]

Query 5

2006-09-03T09:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Evil Agent:

I am seeking representation for my novel The Last Slayer, an urban fantasy with romantic elements set in Washington D.C. It's completed at 100,000 words.

Ashera del Cid is a demon hunter who takes great pride in her work. But when a triumvirate of demigods wants her dead for killing one of its dragons, the hunter turns hunted. Even though Ramiel, a rival demigod, offers his help, she turns him down. She isn't dumb [naive?] enough to trust a demon, especially one who arouses her senses like no other. [Is there a difference between a demigod and a demon? Ramiel seems to be both.]

Ramiel has his own agenda. He has waited decades for revenge on the demigod who humiliated and irreversibly crippled him by ripping out his wing, a demigod who just happens to be Ashera's father [Is Ashera human? If not, I want that up front. If so, wouldn't a demigod's daughter be more than human?] and the one leading the triumvirate against her. Ramiel plans to use Ashera to destroy the world order led by her father and his fellow triumvirs. But Ashera's father, Nathanael, can't allow Ashera to change the status quo. [Move that last sentence (or a revised version) to the beginning of the next paragraph.]

He paid dearly to establish dominance over all demons centuries ago as his duties dictated. Yet he is conflicted; killing Ashera will break the heart of the only woman he's ever loved.

The stakes are raised when one of the triumvirs poisons Ashera's best friend. [No query letter should include the word "triumvir" more than once.] To get the antidote Ashera is forced to accept Ramiel's help [even though it galls her to bend her principles--she doesn't make deals with demons]. [The bracketed part is stated or implied in paragraph 1. Dump it. And add the next paragraph to this one.]

But [as Ashera and Ramiel battle demigods and dragons--and their mutual distrust--] there is one thing they could never have planned on: falling in love [with each other. As they struggle with the need to protect their hearts and the desire to reach across the rift of distrust, they must choose between two seemingly mutually exclusive options while fighting vengeful demigods and armies of dragons.] [The bracketed stuff (your bracketed stuff) can go.]

I'm a member of Romance Writers of America and its special interest chapters RWAOnline, and Futuristic, Fantasy & Paranormal. An SASE is enclosed for your response.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Query 4

2006-09-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

[This one is excellent, but seems a bit long. I've placed brackets around things that can go without affecting the content or tone.]

Dear Evil Editor,

THE BIG SPLASH – approximately 60,000 words – is a hard-boiled detective novel for the middle grade set, with strong archetypal characters and dialogue that’s quick and punchy, like a flyweight boxer on too much caffeine.

Matt Stevens is smart, witty and tough as a cheap steak in a bad restaurant. He’s a middle school Philip Marlowe, [a Sam Spade in the seventh grade,] and he just did something he said he’d never do: he accepted a job from Vinny “Biggs”.

Vincent Biggio, [a.k.a Vinny “Biggs”] is a pre-teen Al Capone. Vinny’s got his chubby little fingers in a lot of illegal pies baked at James Franklin Junior High: extortion, racketeering, black market sales of stolen exams. Matt trusts Vinny [as much as] [like] a deer trusts a guy in an orange vest, but Vinny just made him an offer that was hard to refuse: twenty bucks to return a good luck charm [that] Vinny had lent out long ago. The problem? The girl he lent it [out] to is Nicole Finnegan, a.k.a. Nikki Fingers, the most feared squirt gun assassin [to ever attend] [at] Franklin Junior High.

You see, life at Franklin is tough, like trying to play the piano [with] [in] oven mitts [on]. Find yourself on the wrong side of Vinny Biggs, [the next thing you know] [and] you’re in “the Outs,” the least popular “club” in school. How’d you get there? Water, apple juice, cat pee… anything liquid, strategically splattered below your belt for maximum humiliation, [marking you forever as an enemy of Vinny Biggs.]

While Matt is negotiating the return of Vinny’s good luck charm, someone puts Nikki [on] [in] “the Outs”. Matt has to juggle two clients (Vinny Biggs and Jenny Finnegan, Nikki’s younger sister) as he tries to find the trigger kid [amongst a list of suspects as long as a New York City phone book]. Was it Joey Renoni, the hit kid with a high-pitched giggle and a hair trigger[, who was always looking to prove himself against the baddest and the best]? Was it Kevin Carling, [Matt’s ex-best friend, ] Vinny’s right-hand man, and the boyfriend that Nikki left behind when she quit the life? Or was it some other kid with [“]soda-induced courage,[” a friend or relative in “the Outs,”] and a big beef against Nikki? Matt’s got to watch his back, and [especially] his front, as he works a case that’s harder to navigate than the streets of downtown Boston[, or he just might find himself on “the Outs].”

On a personal note, my eighth year as a writer, director and dialogue editor for children’s television animation has been a great one. In January, I was nominated for an Annie Award for best writing in a television series. I also wrote, developed, and directed a series of shorts that will be airing on (NetworkA) in November. [(NetworkA) ordered forty half-hour episodes based on the strength of those shorts, stating that the writing was the main factor in their decision.] I’ve just started writing the second Matt Stevens book in what I imagine to be a series, chronicling the life and hard-boiled adventures of Matt, his classmates, and his family. May I send you a full or partial manuscript of The Big Splash?

Thank you so much for your time. [I look forward to hearing from you soon.]

Best,

[Well done. While your characters are in middle school, one wonders if your audience might be even younger, as middle schoolers these days would identify only with kids using real guns.]

Query 3

2006-09-02T23:55:00.000-07:00

Dear (Agent):

I am seeking representation for my fantasy novel, The Demon Tamer, which runs 150,000 words. Though it is a stand-alone novel, I have outlines for two sequels.

Sixteen years ago, Thorn thought he had his life planned. Son of renowned Akira Printmaster, living in a Sun Islander colony in the far Mistlands, young Thorn helped his father create woodblock prints that won fame as far away as the Golden Empire. But then came the plague that killed his father -- and then the demons, pouring from the dark forests to feed on death. Thorn's mother dragged her children to [their] former home in the dry Highlands, where Thorn endured a miserable existence tilling the dusty fields.

When Thorn returned to the Mistlands, there was no work for a ragged dirt-scratcher save for the lowly post of demon tamer. But Thorn had unusual resources: the ability to see the color of sounds, an ear for the yammering thought-speak of the demons, and a book of magic from his Barbarian grandfather. His skills at demon taming won the grudging respect of the colony -- and the enmity of a politically ambitious Mistlander shaman. Yet his low status cost him his dream of returning to his father's profession.

Now his father's former apprentice has returned to the Mistlands from the Golden Empire in search of the artist, clearly influenced by his former master, whose prints have created a sensation in the Emperor's court. Thorn admits it is his work, a secret labor carried out in the months when the demons slept. But even as Thorn's dream seems within his grasp, a new, deadly plague creeps across the colony. The jealous shaman accuses Thorn of causing the plague with demon magic [and he is] Condemned to death for witchcraft, [I would cut this paragraph off here. There are too many characters in the rest, and it's overwhelming.] Thorn narrowly escapes, but finds he is a pawn in a political struggle between the Mistlander headman, the shaman, and the colony's governor. With the help of the former apprentice, a runaway slave child, and the secretive little people of the forest, Thorn battles a shaman's magic and an army of hellish monsters unleashed in the struggle for control of the Mistlands.

I am the author of over 30 children's books, including collections of vintage ghost stories and horror stories which I edited and wrote introductions for. If my book interests you, I can send you the entire manuscript or sample chapters and a synopsis at your request. I have enclosed an SASE for your convenience. Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

[This is much better than it was when you submitted it as Face-Lift 51. A cohesive description of a very long book. Let's hope it's not too long.]